Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 291 : The Big Nowhere

Episode Date: June 15, 2026

Plus Queer as Folk

Aidan Gillen's character, who I assume is in his late 20s, he starts banging Charlie Honum, who's 15. Because at first, I was trying to offend it. No, what I mean, okay, is he's talking to Charlie Honum, and I'm kind of like, oh, look, he doesn't know he's 15. They haven't done anything, just chatting. The chat is not illegal, James, okay, all right? But then they start kissing.

I'm like, oh, well, they're only kissing, but then they have full-on sex and they're rimming and everything. Well, it's only a rent job. I mean, you know. It's like a handshake, really. But then he finds out that Charlie Hunnam is 15. Okay, and instead of being like, holy shit, he's like, Jackpot!

Nice. Woo! This day gets better and better. Yeah. And then he's got a pregnant... What's his relationship with that woman? I think they're just friends? Yeah, I think so his friend is a woman and they're having a baby together, okay?

Like a surrogacy ting or Weber, okay? I guess. And he runs over because the girl's given birth. He brings the 15-year-old. And then the woman who's just given birth makes a joke. Remember this? Like, oh, you've had two children in one night? Oh.

Yeah, and they all high-five and go, yeah, that's fucking class, isn't it? And then they make the 15-year-old buy them snacks. Yeah. Like, buy me more crisps. That's pretty, he's got it locked down, you know. Actually, you missed it. You went to the shop. I couldn't handle it.

There's a bit where Aidan Gilli, jumps up out of bed and you see his cock. Really? You see his talk. Stick it on now. His cocks there. And then the other character is actually watching Doctor Who. Oh, God. With Tom Baker.

And he starts, like, doing the quotes. What quote was it? I don't know. Something like, oh, I'm a fucking daft bullocks. Whatever. Is that it? That's pretty close to it. Oh, look at me. I'm a fucking daft wanker.

Oh, look at that. Oh, fucking time, Lord. Yeah, that it? You got him one. Pretty it. Yeah, it's pretty on the nose. You could buy the show. Yeah.

The show's on sale right now. How much? How much you reckon? Sadly, I don't think it's that much at all. It's like a bag of chips. Well. I want those chips. In this day and age, that's your choice, isn't it?

That's capitalism in 20206. You either buy a bag of chips or buy Doctor Who. You can't have both. Thanks to Kear-Starmor. Cheers, pal. And now, again, not to psychoanalyze too much, but we're going to spoil Tiptoe, by the way, for everyone. Because basically, tiptoe ends with the gay character

who is basically an analogue for Rusty Davis, you know, him being basically crucified. Yeah. Being hanged. And I'm wondering is that Rusty Davis, he's kind of like, you know, I'm being crucified by Doctor Who fans. Right. Here.

Yeah. And this is how, you know, I feel. I think though, because... Are we right to criticize him? Well, the whole basis for why that unfolds is obviously David Morrissey is the homophobic neighbor, but he's like,

oh, you're trying to turn my son into a girl, you know, you're giving them, putting makeup on him, and, you know, you're trying to indoctrinate our children. So I have to hang you from a lamppost to save our kids. And didn't Russell T. Davis kind of getting a bit of trouble,

his new fella is like 26 where and he's like 50 odd. Yeah. He's like everyone's calling me a groomer and a paedophile. Yeah. Yeah. Again, you can kind of read into it and be like a victim kind of complex thing. But look, look, the point is we got on Patreon. I started talking Rusty Davis.

You didn't get word into whole that way. No. Like literally you were like, but I've also got a bet. And I was like, shut up. Yeah. So I kind of. I went and took a shit for about half an hour. even noticed.

No, I know. Yeah, so I can't talk too much on the Patreon. So I want to give you more time to shine. I got nothing to say, you know? Of course you do. Tiptoe. I watched all of tiptoe. It was all right, actually.

Very good performance from Alan Cumming, I have to say. Alan Cumming's great. Very good. He should be bigger, I think, you know. He should be. He's kind of moved into a more hosting role in his life now. People think of him like he's the host who also has some acting. And he's been around for a long.

long, long time. X-Men, of course. Eyeed-wise shot. And he's coming. Oh, yeah, I forgot. I believe he was the only one that Kubrick was like just, yeah, do a take. Yeah. He's like, should do it again? Nah. That's funny. And he made like Tom Cruise walk through a door like 50 times. Yeah. You're not doing it right. Well, if I had to guess, I assume that's Kubrick

deliberately like fucking with Cruz even more there. He's like, yeah, coming. That's perfect. That's great. You can learn something from that cruise. Yeah, yeah. You're taking notes. You bow. Well, Alan Cumming, he's been around for a long, long time. And of course... Golden Eye.

Well, look, anyway... A lot of good stuff on YouTube. Except Lockstock and two smoking barrels. Oh, I felt bad for you, because last... I was fucking so angry with that. Just let Listers know, so we recorded last week had a great time. I think it was one of our best episodes. Well, it was fine.

I thought it was all right. Yeah, it was good. It was fine, yeah. If that's what you're happy bringing to the table... If your standards are that low? Yeah, yeah, good for you. If you were able to get out of bed for a week after that, then power to you, I suppose.

The point is, so we record and I was like, yeah, fucking fair. High five, you didn't high five me. And then you were like, I need to put on something to cheer me up. Yeah. And you put on Lockstock on YouTube. It was on YouTube. I was like, oh, perfect full movie on YouTube. I'll put down the knife.

I will. And then the swear words were all censored. It was like a radio edit where they dropped out to Like that man, trying to cut out all the swear words of lock, stock, a two, smoking barrel. That's like watching a Tarantino movie and you edit out all the N words. Pointless, completely pointless. Ruins the integrity of the piece of work. It's just, it's a disgrace.

Whoever uploaded that should be hung from a lamp post, quite frankly. They should get the tiptoe treatment. The tiptoe treatment. 100%. And I'll die on that hill. Well, look, so we watch one. version of on YouTube. Like, oh, fuck's sake.

You rightly stopped it. Because I'm such a pussy. I'm like, let's just enjoy it anyway. It's better like this. None of the naughty, bad words, you know. That way the whole family can enjoy it. So then we watched another one. Another one YouTube was actually beeped.

So it was like a real loud. Not like a little beep. It was like, bea. Like Jerry Springer. Yeah. Even worse. I felt so bad because that was all you had left. And then it just went upstairs.

and you didn't come down again. Nope. I heard this kind of weird noise coming from your rooms. Haven't showered since or, you know. Yeah, I tried to hang myself from the light fixture and, well, look,

I'll not go into detail, but let's just say, I'm still here and the light fixture is worse for wear. The light fixture's in heaven, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, the landlord have fixed that. He's a good guy. No, he won't. He's probably the one who uploaded that

censored version of locks. because he's an evil piece of shit. Well, again, people don't know this. Don't listen to Patreon. We defeated the landlord once again. He came around to give a shit and the place was so clean he walked by tail to his legs.

Yeah, he better walk away, punk. I wasn't actually dare, but in my head, I was thinking that. You're cruising for a bruising, pal, yeah? Yeah, if you're fond of those kneecaps, you better use them to walk out right now. Otherwise, you'll be carrying them out in a fucking paper.

bag. We should give him the landlord more grief. I need you around. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm sad. Put me on the payroll. My muscle. Tell Jimmy to get me, you know. I want you dressed like odd job. I can't wait. I'll be random task from Austin Powers. A great man

who never did anything wrong. On and off the camera. Yes, sir. Well, look, I want to talk with some stuff here is a little bit more accessible. Because on the Patreon, we talk with Doctor Who and stuff, right? That stuff that, look, I'll be honest, not a lot of cool people like that stuff. Okay.

I want to talk about stuff to appeal to a broad audience. We're going to talk about Hitler and Star Wars. Okay. Which had the better storm troopers. You decide. Hitler, Star Wars. And they're both back.

They're coming back. The fan base is stronger than ever. So which one you want to talk about first? The Mandalorian and Grogu or Hitler's nephew. Let's get the Mandalorian out of the way so we can get to the good stuff. I think, yeah, yeah. That's dessert.

The Hitler's dessert. So I have watched The Mandalorian and Grogu. It's the new movie that everyone hates. Good. And it's weird how much the fans hate it. Because I think I said four, I'm pretty ambivalent towards Star Wars. I don't really care.

So I watch, I'm kind of like, oh, all right. And then you online, and fans are, like, crying about it. And they're like, I literally, I can't go to work anymore. Yeah. I'm on the dole now because of Star Wars. I'm on benefits now because of Star Wars. Because of the Mandalorian. You'll be like domestic abuse rates go up.

during World War, during the World Cup, you know. Yeah. It's kind of like that with the Mandalorian Grogu, you know. The fans are lashing out against their... Blow-up dolls. Yeah. You're all better, yeah. I said sex dolls.

He said blow-up dolls. Doesn't... It's not a contest. No, you're better, yeah. Okay. It's my time I admitted it. I've been lying to myself. Good.

So I watch the Mandalorian and Grogu. It's... You know the story about it? Nah. Okay, so the Mandalorian came out... Are you going to tell me, are you? I taught to my... be fun. I said yes, no.

But, uh... Yes, no need to tell me. No, I know at all. If you said yes, and we kept going anyway. And he said no, it would have gone even harder. Talk with Star Wars, I mean. Oh, yes. So the Mandalorian came out,

I think, like, during the COVID, I think, season one. And the whole thing is just like the Mandalorian, who I think is like a bounty hunter, he's Pedro Pascal. Right. And he goes around shooting people, collecting bounties. Like, the man with no name. And he finds a little Muppet, and that's Baby Grogu.

Okay. Yeah, and that's it Is that baby Yoda? Exactly, yeah All right His name's Grogu Okay So it was a big success

Nice and simple Each episode You know, half hour He goes to a town or something meets a guy You know defeats a villain or You know, whatever

And then they made Season 2 and season 3 And then While they're making season 4 Disney were like Turn this into a movie Okay So they took

Season 4 And just blew up With a big screen So it's in theaters Exactly Yeah. Right. And it's not doing very well.

Wow. In fact, obsession and what's the other word? Backdoors. Backrooms. Oh, right, okay. Backdoors is that other movie you like to watch, you know? I thought he starred in. Why isn't this in theatre?

Yeah, so black rooms, okay. Is that it? Black back doors? Black rooms. That's a different franchise. Oh, backrooms. Yeah, and obsession. They did way better.

Not even sure what it is backrooms I think it literally is just like a man He's a black man actually Twitch the edge of the fort I think Oh is it? Yeah I think he find I think he How do you

So the guy who made backrooms Is only 20 years old Yeah How do you make a big movie With Twitchla Edge Laford I'm sorry if I got that wrong Look James getting something wrong Oh you can't speak can you

Can't speak now I think that's pretty Insensitive of you To punch down on me oh I'm sorry that I wasn't born with a silver tongue and a silver spoon up my abs. Unlike some. Yeah, how does a 20-year-old kid get a big movie like that? So I think what happened is, I don't know anything about this, but I'm just going to talk like I do.

So I think he put up some video on YouTube and it went super viral. And from that, he managed to get some investment and then because of that he managed to attract Twidget Edge Report. Well, fair play to him. And, you know, this is just the start of it. Yeah. His name's like Kane. Patterson I think. Ken Parsons?

I don't know. You might be right. I'm right. Okay, yeah. So his name is... Cam Patterson. Yeah. His name is Cam Peterson, okay?

And he... This is the start. So it's going to become a franchise, he says. And literally the plot is... I think Twitchellet Fort is a drinker. Okay. And he buys this, like, you know, abandoned kind of lot.

Kind of like, you know, on an industrial estate, okay? Yeah. And there's a back door and there's a room in it and the rooms just go on and on and on forever. Oh, okay. I think that's it, nice and simple. Some of the rooms are big, some are small.

That's pretty cool. Simple, yeah. And what's obsession about? Everyone talks about obsession. I think obsession is, so a guy, I'm not sure how, but he basically, it's kind of similar to the movie big in that he discovers some kind of ability to make a magic wish

that I want this girl to be obsessed with me. I want her to love me. Oh, and like a Twilight Zone and it becomes like... And then she becomes so obsessed that it ruins his life kind of thing. Happened to me. Apparently, it's very good,

but I'm actually familiar with the filmmaker his name's Curry Baker or Barker, but he does like sketch comedy online. And, yeah. As who? That's a bad idea, is the name of the sketch crew. I don't know these guys at all.

You got your finger in the pulse. They're big on TikTok. He's very, he's funny. got a real kind of like Tim Robinson vibe. Okay. Where like he's got a kind of interesting face and he does like very kind of over the top, you know, absurd characters. But he's just like, just immediately funny. Right.

He says is just funny. And then he kind of has transferred this into like a horror movie. So he's a big horror movie buff. Well, these two films, so they're both social media backgrounds and then they make these horror films. And they've done so much better than the Mandalorian Grogo. Yeah, yeah. And it's also very unheard of. These films, you know, they come out and do okay.

Next week, they do even better. Next week, even better again. Yeah. The budget is going up and up and up and up. Yeah. And the budgets are so small. It's kind of like the new, it's like new Hollywood in the 70s, you know? This kind of like, like, you know, kind of underground thing that started very organically,

but basically transforms the entire studio system. You're actually right because, thinking back, this is a very good point I've made now. you think of like Ben Hur and stuff like that Yeah Yeah they were like big films Like cost loads of money Loads of trouble It's like oh fuck sake

And they just make like a French connection You know it's gritty It's cheap They literally stick a car Stick a camera to the car Drive around the place Gene Hackman almost dies Yeah

That's what you want You know And I think I'd like to see that in cinema more Yeah And Mandelaury and Grogu It's funny because everyone hates it There actually is some stuff in it I will say that was like

Oh that's kind of charming It's kind of like old Hollywood Okay Not enough obviously but I think with Mandelorian Grogu it's just a it's been building up

this feeling right so there's been like lots of Star Wars films of like oh yeah it's good yeah

yeah no I like it yeah my childhood's not being raped yeah it's kind of like with every new

iteration the franchise just kind of diminishes further and further I think this is just the point it's like

I can't fucking stand this anymore right yeah because it feels so just kind of

it feels It feels episode. It feels like it's a streaming thing that's put on the big screen, you know? It's kind of like when Kill Tony went to Netflix. It's like, you ruined it. Yeah. This used to be the YouTube show where you bullied retards. And now you're making the big books. Kill Tony was a safe space to bully disabled men. Exactly, yeah. And we loved it. We did. I built my whole life around it, you know. I'd go to the, I go to the Special Olympics. It's like, do your tight five asshole. So the Mandelorian Grinogu

It starts off And it's the Mandalorian Alright And it's kind of like Basque kind of like a Bond style opening So Mandalorian's chasing this guy Right

And this guy he's like I think he's like Head of some kind of like Cry he's like Blowfeld or something Okay So he's on the run All his minions

Trying to kill the Mandalorian And I was surprised by this Because I haven't watched A show in years The Mandalorian Kills so many people Okay And it's not just laser guns

Like it is some laser guns Like it is some laser guns But all of just like stab at the neck Set a guy on fire Right You know, throw some out a window And then we see him fall And like hit something

And then bounce Okay Yeah And like shooting something That drops on top of someone else Right Right I was like oh there's a

And he kills I think like 400 people In the first 10 minutes Nice Like it's a lot of people dying I was like oh Jesus And still Pedro Pascal Yeah

Although let's be honest You don't see his face for most of it Ah So they say I think that he's in the suit all the time. If you believe that, yeah. Well, yeah.

I do believe it, yeah. I've got a sand castle in the Sahara to sell you. Skyhooks, is that the saying? I don't care if it is or not. I got an Arab sandal, sell you. Ever hear that phrase?

No. Yeah, hotter than Arab sandal. Okay. After they suicide bomb themselves? No, no, no. Okay. So, um, so the Mandalorian and Groku, okay? The Mandalorian kills

loads of people to start. And it's like, loads of violence, okay? And you're like, wow, he's very good this. It's almost like there's no stakes in this at all. He's just killing everyone. And it's a lot of, like, you know, cool. You know, so a guy come behind him. He's a gun, you know, shoots him, not even looking.

Right, right. Yeah. Kind of like under his legs. Yeah, all that kind of stuff. Yeah, like he spreads his ass cheeks and shoots through them somehow, all right? He shoots himself in the mouth and then spits the bullet out. It's like, oh, yeah. Yeah.

I've always been told I have bad. breath. And the reason why Mandalorian was so successful is because it's a real Muppet, Baby Grogu, okay? It's not CGI. It's literally the little puppet thing, all right? It's like a Furby basically. Yeah, and people love that little Furby,

all right? And there's a lot of CGI in this, but there actually is some stop motion and some puppets and stuff. The stop motion is actually pretty cool. It looks like a, is it Ray Harryhausen? Like, you know, it looks proper stop motion. Or you've seen Robocop 2? Yes.

You know the machine in there? Oh yeah, yeah. It's done by that guy. Okay, wow. The guy who did Robocop 2 did this. So that was kind of charming. From the hospice. Yeah.

He's got to be old as shit now. And they still make him do it, you know, like pause, stop, pause, stop. And he's like, please kill me. Can't I use computers? No, you old dip shit. Now come on. What about AI? That's evil to beat him to death.

So that, I suppose, is good. But the plot is, and it's pretty, I kind of got pretty boring. about halfway true but from what I remember the Mandalorian is hired to find is it was the Jabba the Hutt was the original Yes

So Jabba's son It was Boba Fett in the original movies Was it? Yeah Boba Fett I think is a Mandalorian Okay right That's the group I see

Yeah yeah It'd be kind of like you know The Mafia in a way Or the Muslim Brotherhood Yeah so it's ISIS essentially Yeah You know it is kind of like People have said before

In Star Wars Dark Vader is kind of like the presence of America Okay The empire is America Because George Lucas wanted it be like The Via Cong's originally Oh

Yeah so like you know Luke Skywalker is like You know Charlie essentially Ah Yeah that's Didimah Yeah exactly Yeah

So what was going now So he's hired by I think Sigourney Weaver To oh no sorry He's hired by Jabba the Hutz two sons to find their brother who's Jeremy Allen White.

Ah. Yeah, so Jeremy Allen White plays a Jabba the Hut. Hmm. But it's like a Rip Jabba. Yeah, like sexy Jabba. Yeah, yeah. It's like depressed, sexy Jabba.

He's got like six-pack, and he cooks and he looks at the window sometimes. Right. This city. Yeah. He plays his guitar, you know. Baby we were born to run. So he goes looking for Jabba the Hut's son.

His little son, all right? And he's not so little. goes to this crime planet and Martin Scorsese is there. I genuinely I'm saying this, okay, not just because I'm biased. Martin Scors says he's the best actor in this. Wow. He's given the

best performance in this and he's all CGI by the way. He's actually doing it like, hey ho, I ain't telling you nothing. How many credits going to give me? Have you ever seen what a lightsaber can do the woman's pussy? That you should see. What a lightsaber can do the woman's pussy, you should see. My wife's up there.

You know, she's banging. she's banging a chap of the hut I'm gonna kill him I'm gonna fucking kill him if you don't get that reference we can't be friends simple as if I go into a bar and start doing that

you don't know what I'm talking about if I you book me in your comedy club and I do that whole speech verbatim and you don't get it brother that's on you and there's like some Italian girls in the crowd don't get you like you fucking stupid bitches how can I'm I'm

it's Star Wars taxi driving It's fucking obvious. Yeah. Idiots. So he finds him and Jabba the Hutt's son is basically he's a prisoner

and he's got to fight his way to freedom. So this evil crime lord is making him fight and he's like a good fighter Jabba. He's got one fight left and Jabba Hutt's son

doesn't want to go back to his brothers. Okay. He doesn't want to take over the crime empire of Jabba the Hutt. He just wants to earn his freedom and then go off and just chill. smoke a joint.

Okay. Yeah. But Mandalorian's like, no, I've got to take you back. Okay. And then would you believe it? He gets enrolled in the fight, and now he's got to fight Jabba,

the Hudson. Oh, the Mandalorian? Yeah. So it's Pedro Pascal versus Bruce Springsteen. Basically Bruce Springsteen to hook, yeah. And Jabba wants to kill him, but Mandelorian's like, I don't want to kill you. I want to bring you back.

Earned my credits. Right, right. So that's pretty exciting, isn't it? No. Oh, well. I'm not invested at all. It gets boring after that. So you really bore it.

I don't think you'd like this. Okay. Because that's like an hour in. It's not for me. I was never a big Star Wars guy. You need to open your heart. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah.

You block off all these things. It's not a good example because Mandelorian shite. Yeah. But you need to at least try it. You know, it's like a relationship. Sure, most women are terrible, but you got to try him out. They don't appreciate my Star Wars taxi driver a bit. I don't want to know them

They're not for me, Brian You know I'm just me I'm never going to change And if they can't get with that Then that's on them They're missing out No, I think

Let's be honest 2026 is a right off You know, it's I've given up already Okay But 2027, that's when it's all going to change Really? I work already working on it It's Project Brian 2.0

Okay Yeah And I can't reveal anything yet Because it's a hush-hush Okay. But oh my God. Because you don't know. Oh, wait.

You wait and see. Right. Oh, I want to see. I'm going to be a menace. Oh, okay. It's all going to click together. No more Mr. Nice guy.

Now I get my revenge. It's payback time. Yeah, a lot of people in my list. Like, you know the girl over in the shop and the Bally Mun shop there? Yeah? Yeah. She was talking to another guy apart from me.

What? Yeah. That should be illegal. I told her not allowed to talk to men. You're a paying customer. Yeah, I was so annoyed. He was like, oh, it's fucking raging. He looked like a builder.

Right. You know, tattoos and all that. You know, he's carrying a big spanner. I least I hope it's a spanner. Ooh, big vaney spanner. But he's talking to the girl. I'm behind her, right? I'm like, I can't wait to riz up this girl.

And he's talking to her, and he sounds so eloquent. I expect him, because, you know, I'm a very classist. You know, expect him to be like, all right, lav with me facket sausage. Yeah. Where's me fucking sausage roll. Is it in your gum? Oh, nice fucking tics, nice ass, love.

You watch the fucking, yeah. But instead he's all like, yeah, yeah, you know, waving his hair around. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm working on my one-act play, you know, it's sort of a, you know, it's an exploration of masculinity in 2026 and, you know, sort of appreciating, of course, there's toxic masculinity, but there's positive masculinity that I think we really need to get back to, you know?

And I just want to help all the children. No, it's actually worse. And sick animals. It's actually worse than that. He was talking about his band or playing tonight. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, no. And she was like, oh, really?

I'm coughing, like, some people are trying to buy. Sandwich is here. I have sandwich and chocolate milk. I want to buy it. And she was like talking to him. And he was like, again, you've bought the stuff. Move on. okay.

Oh. He's got his receipt there, you know? He's using it to make origami while he's talking about his band. His little swan gives it to her. I want that swan. Yeah, yeah. So he's like chatting there. He's like, I'll tell you, the prices are crazy, aren't they?

Yeah, they are. We all know that, okay? And he's like, you know why that is? It's caused the war. What? It's crazy. Is it crazy, is it? Isn't that pretty obvious?

Doesn't everyone know that? Read a fucking newspaper, you daft. Bint? Yeah, you'd tell her. You'd set her right. Man, by the time I got, I couldn't even look at her. I was so disappointed with her. Breaking my heart.

She let me down. And she let herself down, really. That's the big... Because he won't treat you right. No. Mr. Rock and Roll with his skiffle band, you know, playing the blues or whatever. He'll probably, he'll fucking underage groupie.

That's what they all do. Yeah, literally. Yeah. He'll give her the full lead Zeppelin. they'll hold her down and shove a big trout of her pussy. That's what they do, these rock stars. They're sick. You know, they all follow Alistair Crowley.

Yeah, the occult, sentinism. Yeah? You want to get in bed with that, do you? I know another woman I don't like, now. You got me on a roll here, okay? Go on. We're really leaning into this white guy podcaster. I don't know. I'm sorry.

I don't see what you're talking about. There was a woman, all right? This is ages ago, literally years ago, all right? I asked her to go see a play She was talking about seeing a play And I was like, oh, you know, I'd see a play I forget, it was some kind of like Jane Austen thing, all right

And she was like, oh no, I'm hanging out my boyfriend And that's a very clear fuck you, Brian Sure Yeah, the fact she has a boyfriend Yeah Wait, so you have a boyfriend But you're talking to me A man in public

Yeah, she'd be wearing a burqa, what do you Yeah, so she's like No, and I'm like, oh, okay, right And that's it, it didn't touch her Your Honor Okay, all right I went on Instagram And she was with a man

Okay Your story checks out Yeah, but how do you know That wasn't an actor That she paid Just to throw you off the scent Did you follow her home The plot ticking

Because if you didn't Then you're obviously You know You really got to put in time You're not that romantic then Yeah yeah Okay so then years passed And she didn't post it much

On Instagram Okay She's posted there recently A ring with a different fella What? Yeah I was not consulted

about this So you're telling me At some stage She broke up with that boyfriend Didn't come back to me And apologise Oh I wish she did I had it all planned out

She's like Oh you want to go see a play I'm busy actually Yeah Yeah Don't even like plays now I'm going to see Glen Gary

Glenn Ross With my new beautiful bride It's the female version That's the thing You know that Oh Yeah

Because I did one With like Bill Burr Glenn Gary, Glenn Gloss. Is that it? The female version? Really? Yeah. Ah, well, you know.

Yeah, you think that's acceptable. It was an attempt. You're on the list now as well. Like, I've been on the list for quite some time. Yeah, I think they're doing it now, but it's like won the Sykes and, you know, great, yeah, great. Kiki Palmer, uh, Janine Grafalo. Sounds awesome.

I'm all on board for it, you know? Uh, always saying, yeah. But yeah, I shouldn't come back crawl into me. Okay. She moved on her life. Right. Which shouldn't be allowed. Well, I'd last laugh.

How did you know this woman? I'm not going to have to reveal, indulge too much, you know? Okay. But I'm growing up though, because I was going to leave her a little comment or something, you know, under the post. Right. Yeah, but I didn't. What were you going to say if you were going to... Uh, something not weird at all.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Just something not very normal. I really hope no one shows up to your wedding and blows his fucking brains out on the altar. Oh, wouldn't that be terrible? Any objections? Speak now or forever hold your pace. That'll learner.

Good and proper. But yeah, 2027 I'm going to get back out in the world, you know? Get back on Bumble. I keep matching with people in Bumble, but they're not my type. Right. For some reason, Bumble seem to think I'm gay. Ah. He's just kind of pushing that.

Their liberal ideology on me. They're really putting the bum and bumble, you know? I think there's something wrong with my bumble. Like, a lot of the hot women aren't matching with me. Are you sure you're not on bum chumble? Um-chumble bumble. Bum chumble. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what. I might get Bumble premium. Okay. Yeah. Right. It's a good deal. How much is it? 500 euro a week.

Ah, okay. Yeah. To find love? Yeah. And you don't pay to the app. Just give it to the guy the bus stop. Okay. Yeah, and he runs away. The bumble CEO. The bumble man.

He's dressed as a bumblebee so you can trust him, you know? Yeah, so, oh, things are looking up, tell you. That's good. Yeah. That's good. And, you know, I've got a lot of other stuff going on. I can't talk about. But it's big.

I'm kind of like... Court cases. I'm like Katie Price's new fiancé. I've got like, yeah. Big things, big mover and shakers, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm talking some big wigs about a big company. Right.

Let's just say it rhymes with Wessler. But anyway, let's talk with something fun, all right? A bit of history. So you didn't like the Grogu Manilorean thing. I like to stop motioning Mandalorian Groku. I like the Muppet. But after a while, it's like, can we just fucking end it? Like, I don't know if watching cinema, maybe I'd be more invested.

Yeah. But watching it on my laptop, I was like, are we near the end? There's like an hour in. Oh, God. God, I got another hour to go. Yeah. And just the Mandalorian doing more shit. And again, look, I wouldn't kill myself over it.

That's good. That's growth. That's growth. I'm happy to hear that. I wouldn't go in cinema and shoot myself. But. There's orange hair, you know, in Aurora, Colorado. I don't got it, yeah.

Yeah, good. You know, it's sad now. We're unk. A lot of kids wouldn't even get that reference. No, you're right. Yeah. Well, I've been unk for a while, you know. I'm actually evolving out of Unk into full Gies.

I'm full gazed up now, you know. It goes Unk, Giz, Pido. Great, great. Like evolution, like Pokemon. Well, I can't wait for 2027 either then, you know, yeah. Yeah, no, I think people respect Unk. People are, I think you know what problem is. People make fun of Unk because it's guys who are Unk,

but they're trying to be young. Yeah. But if he's lean into it, like, we're watching All Creatures Great and Small. small. I'm going to just dress an old tweed and have a hat. Okay. And walk around by hello young children. Uh-huh. And they'll respect me.

They will. Yeah, no, I know. I know. I know. Believe me, I know. Yeah, they won't have a choice. Yeah. We were watching all creatures. Well, no, let me rephrase that. I was watching all creatures great and small and you were just

walking around and going like, oh, fucking British. Yeah, Brit's out. I, well, to be honest. You're listening a kneecap in the corner. I was getting a bit kind of kneecap, you know. What's that mean? It was just so offensively British and middle class and disgusting. It kind of made me sick to my stomach.

I love all creatures creating small. Just colonize our bullshit. We should go back. You think? I can't, Ireland and England, it's kind of like, you know, when the woman leaves the man and she regrets it forever and ever, because she didn't realize how good she had it when she was at Brian. Right.

So in this scenario, you're the British Empire. Okay. And then we're. You know, that girl is just some smelly. That girl's Michael Collins. Yeah, yeah. Some smelly paddy wag bitch. Spud lover.

Yeah, yeah. I do like, all joke inside, I do like all creatures great and small because it's very simple, it's gentle. It's basically, it's hospice viewing. Yes. You watch it when you're old in the hospice. Especially old, you know, Brexit voters.

Like, ah, that was when it was good. Yeah, look at that. White people. Yeah. Should you be illegal to make this now? Yeah. But it's being. made right now. Literally right now.

Film is season six right now. I get a daily update. Season six? Yeah. Holy shit. I followed the vlog where they keep us updates for true fans. There's a vlog. Yeah, it's only 500 a week and you get, and you might find love as well. Right. Not with a human. No, well.

So a lot of it, like being a vet back then is so cool. You drive around your little car and you know you fix the animals or you shoot them. Yeah, one or the other. And in the book, I didn't know about this talk. So in the book when they put down an animal, it's a gun. And in the show, I don't know why, maybe... Because, oh God, my...

With short, they're really right enough there. Wow, yeah. Ticking your balls out, you know? Yeah. Talk about all creatures great and small. Here we go. Yeah. No, I don't say that, all right? Sorry. Sorry. I've got a medical issue.

So, in this, have you ever seen this thing? It's like a flute with a bullet in it? A flute. So it's a long thing, like a blow dart kind of thing. It's like a blow dart. Right.

And you put a bullet in. And there's a button on top. And you put the thing on the horse or the cow's head. Right. And you slap it like a bottle of ketchup. Okay. And it explodes and the cow's head, you know, turns into fucking meat meat. Yeah.

Oh, okay. I'm unfamiliar at that now. Yeah. It's called cow killer. Cow killer. That's what it's called, the product. I never heard of it for. I'm going to look and see if it's real or not.

Yeah. I'm embarrassed. to say that I'm not very familiar with means to kill animals. He's do with your bare hands. Yeah, exactly. The man's... A bit of elbow grease, you know?

But anyway, look, let's talk about history. All right. Let's talk about Hitler's nephew. Right. So, I don't know much about Hitler's backstory, really. So, do you know his dad was called Aldus Hitler?

Aldus Hitler. Aldus Hitler Sr. Right. And he had, Hitler, what's he called Adolf Edolf I keep thinking Eddie Hitler

from Bottom Do you ever watch Bottom? No In Bottom Edmondson's called Eddie Hitler Eddie Hitler

Yeah Yeah It's pretty funny It's a good name Isn't it I want to My kids Eddie Hitler

Yeah And it's like No it's bottom It's okay It's not offensive That's a porn star name Right there Eddie Hitler

Yeah Yeah Be with Adam 22 All right yeah So Adam 22 Yeah So Hitler had a half-brother called Aldous Dumbledore.

No, what did I say? Aldous Hitler. Aldous Hitler, Jr. Yeah. That's okay. So Hitler had a brother, half-brother, and that brother didn't get on with the dad. Okay. So the brother moved from Germany to Dublin.

Ah. So Hitler, imagine, man, they'd be a cool sitcom. Hitler's brother in Dublin. Right. It's all like the how he is. What? Alright there Hitler What's the story pal, yeah?

And he's a bit of a con man So he's actually working as a waiter in Shelburne All right But he pretends he's like Oh yeah, I'm very rich You know, I'm just in my time off I've got loads of money back home in Germany It's kind of, you know, I'm social with the plebs

You know, yeah, yeah Father makes me do this So I appreciate the money more I see And he meets this young one All right, daughter of I think Willie Dowling Hmm

So Willie Dowling's a local lad living on the Valley Mun Road, okay? Yeah. And he falls in love with the daughter, but the family don't even want him to marry because he's German. Yeah. Yeah, they don't really like that.

So they elope to England. Oh, wow. Yeah, so now they have a son called Willie Hitler, and they live in Liverpool for a while. Okay. So they're scouts, basically. All right, fucking Hitler, lad,

your fucking sound, yeah? And Eddie, Willie, sorry, Willie's dad, start a restaurant, The restaurant fails. He's like, fuck this. He just abandons the family. Nice.

Goes back to Germany, sell raisers. Yeah. Yeah. So now it's like poor old little Willie Hitler on his own with his mother. Right. And when he becomes of age,

he goes over to Germany to meet his dad and his uncle. Hey. He meets Uncle Adolf. Uncle Adolf. Yeah. Now, was this during the time of when Adolf was the big swing and dick? This is when Adolf is on the rise. Right.

But he hasn't done the full, like, Nick Nain, all that, all that, all right? Uh-huh. So he's still. up and coming, all right? And he thinks it's pretty cool, Willie. He's like, fucking, my uncle's fucking the chancellor, it's pretty sweet.

So he goes back to the UK, and because his uncle is a pretty noteworthy figure, he's been interviewed by the press. Right. And he's like, yeah, my uncle's class, yeah. In fact, my uncle says, I'm going to take over eventually, yeah. He's no kids, so, yeah, my, my

uncle thinks I'm pretty sweet, pretty cool. Then, of course, World War II breaks out. Right. And suddenly this kind of backfires on him. Okay. It looks bad to be praising Hitler and also your last name's Hitler and your friends are Hitler. So what he does is he goes on tour. Well, like

a stand-off comedy tour? Yeah, he does something like my uncle Hitler. And he goes around talking about Hitler and how like... Like a one-man play. Exactly, but a bit like you know Tom Holden's dad. He is a show called like My Son Spider-Man. Oh, what? Yeah, he goes around like, yeah, my son's Spider-Man. Wow.

Or like Jack Whitehall's dad? I think Jack Whitehall's dad isn't he like a successful barrister or something or just a lord? No I think he was like he worked in entertainment I think he was like a manager or something. Oh really? Yeah yeah. I assumed he was like a kind of peer to realm

you know kind of boring into it. No I think he's just like a very rich and stuffy upper class like he worked in entertainment though that's how Jack Whitehall became famous at 21. Would you believe it wasn't based on sheer talent? I don't know you sound pretty

crumudgingly right there. I think he just got by, just like look and pluck. Okay. I can't wait till I have a son who's successful. And I can be like the funny dad. I'd be kind of cool because I'm like my son's going to the Emmys and stuff. I'm hanging out there. It's like, Dad, don't

do anything crazy. I'm like, oh, I smoked a dude, boy. With these cool jazz cats. I'm with the K-pop demon hunters. And because I'm old, then the girls you know, they kind of underestimate me. Oh, they let their guard down, you know? Yeah.

I give them long hugs. I'm just so proud of you, my dear. You've achieved so much. Anyway, look, back to Hitler, all right? So, like I said, Eddie Hitler, I keep calling

Eddie Hitler, fuck's sake, that's bottom. Willie Hitler is on tour, doing a show called my uncle's Hitler. Yeah. And he goes to America, And he decides, I'm going to write a letter to the president and tell him, I want to serve in a Navy to fucking fight against my uncle.

Because I love America so much now. Right. There's a real turban coat, all right? So then he... Sounds like a little fucking whirr. It's just like, you know. You got to lie to get by, you know? Okay, all right.

Yeah, fucking... Standing up for yourself is going to get you fucking knock down, you know? Well, okay. That's why I never stand up for... Never grow his spine. Uh-huh. That's what I'm going to tell my son. Always stay malleable.

you know, fold and contort yourself as the situation dictates, you know. It's like, oh yes, I love being in the KKK. Oh, yes, I love being in the Black Panther movement, you know, just whatever you need to. Yeah. And that'll get you boy. That's obviously why you're so lovable and everybody, you know,

you're the toast of the time. What's that mean? What's that mean? No, I'm being genuine. They're lashing out. I'm not. No. No.

You're great. Everyone loves you, Brian. Yeah, they do. No. I've been sincere. No. Just because my voice is very high, what I'm saying. Don't look into that, you know.

I really meet it. I really do. I really. Well, anyway, he fought in the Pacific. Okay. And this is crazy. He died like 87. Right.

Isn't that meant he saw Star Wars? That's cool. Yeah. I'm glad he died before the Mandalorian and Grogu, you know? Yeah. we'll talk about something else then alright we watched a few things

in the last little while we haven't talked about in the podcast yeah alright so we want to catch up on that so one thing we watched that was pretty crazy was quiz

oh yeah yeah we talked about this and it's funny because it's weird I watched this whole thing when it came out and I was like oh that's pretty good

but I'm watching it with you and maybe I was paying more attention to it or maybe because I was kind of watching through your eyes right and because you were so infested oh no what oh my God

I'll be honest It was a lot more enthralling than I expected it to be Yeah, yeah It's a four-part miniseries About what you call it? What do you call it? What do you call it?

No, but look The coughing soldier is what was called Alright? Yes. And basically... The coughing major. Coffing major, that's it yeah. Once again, you've corrected me

I'm very sorry. I need to learn. Never apologise for... You do need to learn but you never seem to learn which is interesting. In fact, I'm actually getting worse. So the spitting admiral on who's lying is it anyway?

The jive talking commander. See, man, you know I want to be a millionaire up this motherfucker. You're where the cheddar hat, don't. Come on, nah, hit a brother, put that good, good. So we'll jump back to the start of this drama, okay? So they launched this show called Who Wants to be Millionaire? Yeah. ITV, is it?

Yes. And at first it's called Money Mountain. Yeah. And it's way too like 80s. It's all like shiny and glossy and fun. There's a menstrual show, you know. It's not with the times at all, you know? Yeah.

So they take away that, all right? And they darken it, not like that. They kind of darken the set, not the faces. And they make it more dramatic. And there's lots of like shots of just the person's siding, you know? Very like tense, like close up. Like, oh, is this the right one? Exactly.

No, no noise is nothing just like close up on the face as they get more and more worried. No music. Just pure. silence, the lights go down, it's all very tense. Especially if a woman's like, I need money to pay for my son's medical operation. Chris Tarant's like, yeah, what are you going to do?

And she gets it wrong, starts crying, that's the money shop. Oh yeah. Chris Tarant's like wait for me in my dressing room, love, yeah. There's a fiver with your name on it. It's stapled to me cock. Make sure you cry the whole time, though. That's how it works for me.

Chris Terrant. So it becomes a huge success And there's a little kind of undercurrent Kind of like a little secret society Of people who want to try and rig the system Yeah Yeah Which I had no idea about it

I didn't know so that it's kind of like This entire little underground infrastructure That are trying to like Like what way did they do it They have all these phones rigged up It's like you've got to keep calling and calling To try and be the next contestant So the way it works is you call into the show

To apply Yeah And then they call you and they have a way of calling you, or they call you, and they call you and ask you questions. Yeah. And the ones who get like the closest to, kind of get on the show. Yeah, yeah.

Or get the chance to be on the show, right? But they don't really keep track of it too well. So they might, you know, if you keep applying for it, they'll keep calling you back. Yeah, yeah. And they might have it all, like, the same questions we asked many times. So like, like, all these people that are kind of like, you know, in this little underground movement,

they all know the answers right away. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And so then. We start off with this guy, the brother-in-law of the major. And he's like a real, like, a cool guy. I loved him, yeah?

I really related to him. He was like the most little fucking weasel, wormy, cut. It's like, oh, I borrowed money from the butcher to call into the quiz show. Oh, I owe so much money, please help me. If I borrow more money, that'll help. Yeah. So he he had a wife and kids. He never saw them.

I have to go on the run because I owe the butcher 50 quid so I have to leave the country and change my name and dye my hair I bought some sausages on ticks and I gotta fake my debt

so he he gets on the show just brother-in-law and I think he wins like was it it was something kind of like you know 12 grand

yes something like you're like that's fucking nice like it's not enough I need to pay off me debt yeah no because he like

racked up so much debt just like borrowing money to keep constantly Because I'm going to win, I'm going to be a millionaire. Yeah, yeah. All right, it's foolproof. Chris Tarrant won't let me down. So he doesn't get the million.

So he makes his sister go on. Yeah. And then she does it. And she gets 12 grand as well. Same amount. Yeah, yeah. And of course, she has to give him all the money. Uh-huh.

And it's still not enough. Yeah. And then he's like, okay, now your husband has to go on. And the husband is played by Tom Wamsgams. Matthew McFad. Yeah. It does a good job kind of like a, uh, Yes.

Yeah. So he goes on then. But by the time he's on, they've got this, uh, well, you didn't watch the end of it, did you? No. They don't fully say, there's no concrete like this is what they did. Okay. They kind of suggest certain things, like how planned was it? Right.

How much of it was like premeditated, how much it spurred a moment. Yeah. But basically what we do know is he was on the show, Tom Wamsgams, and he's, he'd get a question. And he'd be like, oh, hey. B C D Yeah, D

D, yeah Yeah and that would happen a lot So somebody in the audience would cough Every time the right answer

Got, you know read out loud And it would be Kind of even worse than that Something he's been like Yeah, I think it's B Definitely B B, yeah B

Not A Oh A actually Yeah I saw you A I changed my mind Yeah It's very obvious And egregious

When they're like So the producer are watching back on the tape and they're like, look, somebody coughs every time the right answer is read out, you know? And it's one of those things that when you're watching the show, you're like, it's so fucking obvious. Like, how do you fuck would you

not have got it? But then the rest of it like this kind of courtroom drama then of like, you prove it beyond a reasonable doubt. Yeah, yeah. Of course, the slimy lady lawyer. Oh, yes. Oh, God, two things I hate. No, she is

slime and lame. 80s. They're always getting their slime everywhere, aren't they? But never on me! No, there's no slide to be found with Brian's around. Oh, okay.

No Brian slime. It's not Brian slime time. So, she has the course, she's using all our magic tricks, you know, that women have. You know, she's like, all, there's loads of people coughing the audience. The tape they have show the court, that's, you know, that's They edit that tape.

Yeah, they edited it. They could have pumped the volume up with the coughs. Yes. And there's no shot of the guy coughing. Like, you know, they don't have him on camera, you know. Yeah. So it's all subjective. Now, you kind of watch it.

And you think the public would be like, hey, fucking fair play, you know, scamming the system. Yeah. Fuck ITV. No, the people are like, how dare you betray ITV? Yeah. It's a cultural institution. You're worse than a pedophile. Yeah.

They show Corey. Yeah, basically shit all over curry. Curry, heartbeat, London's burning, have you no shame? So they're throwing eggs at him. Yeah. Like, you'll, coughing, like, on purpose. And they shoot his dog. That's, yeah.

Yeah. That's pretty wild. Which I love ITV as much as the next guy. Hey, we all love Trevor McDonald. Even though he ruined my childhood, I will not go into further detail. No, he aired a whole segment about how like kids watch wrestling and then do wrestling things on each other.

And then after that, my mother banned wrestling from our house. And my life was fucking ruined. It never, like, it's kind of been a steady decline. It is, like, ever since that. It's this kind of turning point in your life. If it wasn't for him, you'd be like a CEO of a Goldman Sachs right now. Exactly, yes. Doing wrestling in the office.

Yeah, yeah. Me and Vince McMahon would be best buddies. You know? And Vince would be like, James, he's got to stop doing that. tone it down, man. Women are people. You got a... No, you sound like a cook, dude.

Come on. Look at this lib-tired, Vince. So, what happens next? Yeah, so then it becomes this thing. I think if you missed it at the end, but what happens at the end is they basically, they kind of get away with it.

So I think they're charged, they're guilty, but they get a suspended sentence so they never have to go to jail. Right. But they're actually still fighting it to this day. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow.

I'm not sure how. But, like, they were offered loads of monies. Let's say, like, they're accused, they were found guilty, okay? And the papers are like, we'll give you all this money if you say, like, you're guilty and how he did it. And they're like, no, we're innocent. Oh, okay. And actually, you know, the people in the society. Yeah.

They say they didn't actually, like, work with the couple. Okay. Yeah, so there's a little bit of doubt, like, how much was done, how much. Interesting. And how much was luck. Well, like, yeah, so they got the suspended sentence, but they did get fined a lot of money, though. Yeah, and didn't get their million. Yeah.

They cancelled the check. So are they still fighting that so they still don't have to pay the, you know, if it's still in process, the whole kind of court case or whatever. I'm not too sure. It's mad how court cases last so long. Yeah. Well, listen, if you go against a big massive corporation, they can just file motion after motion and just keep it like prolonged for like months or years even.

and then eventually they just wait you out they have more money than you do so you're gonna lose anyway I taught justice was blind oh you just gotta bend over and take it pal yeah you hope you're blind by the end of it because you don't have to see all the cocks going into your mouth

I think he's feel it proverbial cocks I mean lawyer cocks oh another thing I want to talk about okay we'll talk about Mrs. Biggs in a minute but I'm reading a new book at the moment called the Biggs nowhere.

Yes. And by reading, I mean listening. Audio book. Yeah. That's fine. I listen to it, but I actually hold the book and I read along. Ah. That's what I do.

I lick the pages as they read them out loud. To absorb all the slurs. Was that in Jimmy Neutron where they shrink the books and then you swallow the book and then you know all the knowledge? Can I be honest with you? Yeah. My Jimmy Neutron knowledge is pretty weak. I never watched it.

The animation style I didn't like. Really? Which is such a cunty thing. little kid, be like, no, I don't like his animation. No, I prefer hand-d too deep. Yes, yeah. I prefer the word, Mr. Ben. That was animation, you know.

This cheap, cheap, CGI nonsense. Oh, Mr. Ben, yes. Bring back Mr. Ben. Doctor Who's gone now. Who played Mr. Ben in the reboot? Oh, in the reboot, it'd be Mr. Bend or, you know. Which is great.

Yeah. Which is great. You watched Tiptoe. I thought you were growing up, I have. I'm much better person now. No way it's funny, because you're like, oh, that thing and tipto, that wouldn't happen. Look, are you part of the culture is allowing it to happen. And the first thing come for Alan Cummings, next are coming for podcasters to do black voices. No, we're a protected class of people.

They'll never come for us, you know. If they come for us, the whole system crumbles, you know? So I'm listening to the Big Nowhere. Okay. And it's James Elroy. And James Elroy is such an interesting guy. I mentioned him for he's a proud, panty sniffer. Remember of the

panty sniffing community, being him. Really? Yeah, breaking in the women's houses and sniffing him. He breaks into women's houses and sniffing them. Not anymore. He's giving up now. He's retired. He's gone Hollywood now, you know. He's gone a lib-tar, yeah. But back in the day, he used to break in sniff panties. Wow. Yeah.

Well, you got a problem with it? I mean, God. Far be it for me to get in the way of the creative process, you know, whatever you need to do to write... Did you write LA Confidential? I did not. No. But I I've sniffed a lot of panties. You know, it's funny.

People like... My own panties. It's not as sexy. I can smell my pussy off my jocs. So, proud panty-sniffer, used to rob house and stuff as well. Did you get caught?

Do you get caught? I think you get caught, but I think you got caught more for stealing than sniffing. Okay. I think sniffing is not a victimist crime, isn't it? Well...

It is. I... I don't know, I think some women might feel violated by that. Oh, my fuck. Fuck off. Fuck off. You can't do anything.

It's crazy. I want to sniff, all right? It's not like you're sniffing them. They're going to go to waste. If you're breaking into their bedroom while they're not there. I'm not stealing anything. It's a victimless crime. You don't notice it.

Okay. I'm not jizzing on him. Right. I asked for that. I ask permission for that. Okay. I don't even sniff them on any panties. Oh, not that meant.

not that many. Baker's dozen every year. It's like I'm trying to quit smoking, you know. Only when I'm drinking. You got like a patch on, you know, like a panty patch. Put the paties on my mouth like zin. But the point is, okay,

he had a rough, tough childhood, you know, lots of fights, a bit of time in juvie and all that. And he likes to fuck with people when he comes to politics. Okay. So, like, one interview, he'd be like, yeah,

George Bush, the greatest president who ever lived. And next interview he was like, yeah, he's fucking Hitler. He did 9-11. Yeah, he's. Exactly. Yeah.

So he'll just say random things. And he purposely does not follow the news at all. Is he still alive? Still alive, yeah. Oh, that's good. His new book came out, I think, this week. That's why I'm kind of on the buzz now, okay? Okay.

So he's still working flat out. And I think what he does now is he doesn't own a phone or have a laptop. He only reads, like, newspaper from the 50s and books from the 50s and listens to music from the 50s. Okay. He's writing about the 50s, right? swimming like it's the 50s. Well, actually, he's... His black neighbor doesn't like him very much.

A bit of animosity there. His black neighbor doesn't understand literature. Yeah, yeah. You can't be breaking in here, sniffing my woman panties, dog. I'm sniffing your panties, sir. That's not how we do. That's not how we do. So, I think the way he has a wife, I believe, but they live in separate apartments.

Good. So he has, like, you know, there's, like, small, like, Florida kind of, like, apartments, you know? Condos. That's a. condo, that's it. So I think she's in one, he's next door. I think they might meet up, you know, once a week. Right. To do that shameful thing you

do with your genitals. That's bad. But the rest time, he's just right, typing away, nonstop. His last book was about the killing of Marilyn Monroe. Oh. And this book, I think, is following the same kind of a... Interesting. Yeah. What does he say happen?

Well, in, like, so he's very into all this stuff. So in his books, in his universe, uh, JFK was the mob and all working with Cuba and all that and that's the same with like Marilyn Row it's all like it's all connected in his books everyone is fucking evil essentially that's all you know right right so this book here is called a big nowhere and it follows basically three characters and they're all very interesting I just go through them real quick I won't say like what happens well just give you the character ideas I'm still reading them but halfway

true all right okay what time we are oh I want to go a little bit over here okay because I just got me talking it's all right so we start off with Danny. Danny is the young upshot. He's a little bit like, is it Guy Pearce, Nelley Confidential? Yeah. A little bit like that, kind of a young upshot, but he's a little bit more dirty than,

he's not as a... Yeah, Guy Pearce is very idealistic. Yeah, he's like, he's, he's raised up the ranks very quickly, but he knows, like, who to fuck win, who's arse to lick. And he's investigating these homo killers. That's what, that's not my wording, okay? This homo... I'd phrase it very differently, but, uh, you know.

James Elroy's a Libthard cook This is called the homo killer Okay And what he seems to be doing is He likes to take the eyes out And jizzing the eye sockets Oh

Right That I think is a bit too far That's you know Look maybe this is controversial That may be a bit further But it gets weirder It gets actually weird Okay

Oh So there's also bite marks But they're not human Oh And see the running theory is that he has dentures and he's put animal tea in the dentures and he uses

that to bite the victims. After he carves out the eyes and jizzes in the sockets. It's all part of it, yeah. Wow. He's biting them while wanking. That's a pretty, I don't want a kink shame, but that's a bit, you know, that's a bit awes, isn't it?

Nah, you got to open yourself up to these things. You're right. I'm going to bring you to the George and you're going to I've got an ice cream Scooper here. Point me to the eyeballs. Fellas, I'm ready to open my heart to your lifestyle. And

the tea are actually Wolverine Teat. Okay. So I'm like, oh yeah, schnicked. Dittla-de-de-de-de-de-dha. And you could be Cyclops. So, um... Cyclops is a leader. I want to be Gambit. Gambit was cool. Gambit. Yeah, having sex at Rogue.

Yeah. That'd be grey. It would be. Yeah, yeah. No, because the thing is, if you can't get it up, you can just go, oh, you drained all my energy. That's why my, my dick is all limp, you know? It's not because I'm a closet homosexual because of you, you whore? Yeah, mona me.

Yeah. Hey, chef, mona me, you're drain all the power for my dick, and now I'm a limp noodle, mine. Yeah. And then Danny's investigating this. And Danny's kind of running, he's doing too much. So he's investigating this homo murderer, all right? And he, it's funny.

Like, he's, he hates gays so much that he's really interested in them. And, like, he'll, he'll be watching, you know, doing steakouts, watching guys kiss. Yeah. And he feels something weird in the stomach. This is all very natural. He's a detective. Yeah. And he pukes.

Out of his penis. Very natural. His dick gets hard and pukes. Yes. And, like, so, and then he finds these videos that they take, these sick hollies. Hollywood homoes, okay? Okay. And it's footage of, like, guys having sex,

and he gets really hard. Right. And he has to puke again and take lots of pills. Because it's the 50s. It's not a video. It's like a real. He's got like a whole projector set up. No, it's in a screening room.

Yeah. No, actually is. So he goes to this party with loads of gays, and they're showing these film footage, okay? Right, right. And he's like, oh, this is terrible. Yeah. But I got to do this for law and order.

Because I'm a detective, you know, I gotta do it. Yeah. Adjust that one more. Mr. Homo, when you had jacked off the other guy, you know, was he 15 years old like the queerish folk fellas, or he was, okay, that's good to know for my investigation. Thank you.

So, of all the gay bars and all the world, he walked into mine. He took his cock out and I sucked it dry. So he gets... That's what we've got to do to beat the Kaiser. See? Beat the Reds. Yeah. So he gets invested, he gets more and more invested in this.

And it kind of links in this whole kind of world of Hollywood and they pimpe out young gay boys to certain people who may be involved in Hollywood. So it's all that. But as is going on, he's also investigating communist influences in the stagehand guild. Right. You know, the guys who move around all the shit, okay?

And they're going on strike. And basically they're using the communist thing to break down the strike, because they're actually working for Mickey Cohen. Oh. Mickey Cohen is paying the police to break the unions.

Okay. Okay. And he's kind of going undercover as a communist as well. Right, right. But the problem is he meant, would you believe it, is a sexy girl communist

and his superior's like, you got a fucker. To win her over. And he's like, I feel a bit sick, actually. Yeah. I don't feel like it today. Can I just watch the gay lads

kill each other? I mean, that's, you know, I'm a red blood. an American. That I can set my watch to, but you want me to chat up a dame? Oh, no, that's too far, you know.

So that's Danny's thing. I'm starting to suspect that maybe there's more going on with Danny. I think you're reading into things that aren't there, you know? So next we follow Mal. Well, Malcolm, but yeah, so Mal. Now, Mal is much older.

Well, he's got an interesting history. So he was a regular cop, and then during World War II, Two, by the way, it's 1950s. Okay. So during World War II, he went over and one of his jobs was basically to catalog the camps and

interview them and the work camps were just work happened, right? Yeah, yeah. So a lot of them, you know, when they liberated the camps, there was a lot of guys who like, they only lived for like three days afterwards, you know. And his job was basically a pretty

grueling job. Because they lost a sense of purpose, Brian, and people need that in their life. So I'm glad that we're talking about this. It's like you with Satanta, yeah. So Tantau will set you free. Yeah. So that's a pretty depressing job. Sure.

But he finds love. You find love, because he finds this young woman, all right? And she was, I won't sugarcoat it. She was a whore for Nazis. Right. The Nazi generals would tie her up and fuck her and all that. But on purpose, she was like, she liked it. Oh, she did?

No, she actually supported it because she was doing it to, basically to live. Sure. And she wanted to stay alive so she can find her son. She got separated from her son during war. Okay. So you want to stay alive to find her son. Right.

Little whatever, okay. So he meets her and they fall in love. And he actually really, like, she's describing all the treatment of the Nazis, the way they fuck her and all that. And he gets really hard. He likes it. And he starts fucking her.

Okay. And she, of course, she's like, oh, this is great. Yeah, can you, let's marry so I get American citizenship. she loves me she wants to get and she's like oh yeah but can you find my son first so he used to go traips and all over Vienna like trying to find a son

and eventually he fucking finds her finds a son yeah brings reunites them and you know that one of the Nazi generals the main guy he loses it and he just shoots the Nazi general

oh he's a prisoner of war okay but you know they're like ah fuck it you know he's a Nazi you're a good egg we'll just kind of cover this up Okay, right. Yeah. Obviously, we don't really want you around here anymore because you're, you know, you're not doing too well. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, so he goes back to America, brings this woman over, all right, and the son as well. And he's like living this do-lally fantasy of like, now we can live the all-American dream. And you're going to call me, you know, his son doesn't even speak English, right, his stepson, all right? Oh, right. Like, you call me Papa. What do you go there? English. Goddammit.

I'll slap to English, ain't you? You're talking like some kind of comirita. And, you know, she just gives him non-stop abuse. Oh, yeah. Conce, you are not real man. And he's like, no, that's just the way she is. She loves me really, you know?

She makes him dress as an SS officer when he fucks her, you know? You're not doing the goose step properly. I can't get wet if you not do goose step well. It's difficult. Try it my best. hip. I have coordination issues. Well, would you believe it? One day he comes back, she's like, I'm leaving.

I have met new man. He makes more money than you, and he's more handsome. I'm taking... He's not your son. I'm taking my son. My boy. He is not your boy. He knows that. You are just old man.

Weak, powerless. Wow. And you know when I told you that the Nazis tied me up, I lied. I did it all consensually. I just told you. that because I saw how excited it made you. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And he loses it. He'd smash their face in, okay?

Uh-huh. And of course, his son is like, oh, Papa. You call me Papa now. Yeah. Yeah. No. A bit fucking late, pal, yeah? No, please don't hit Mama. So now he's in a custody battle. Of course, the fucking mother's got, like, a black guy, and she's got, like, a dog collar on her.

So, like, the jury are going to, like, support her. I see, okay. So he's got all that going on. And now he's competing with a, little character called Dudley Smith, aka James Cromwell. Oh, yes, yeah, yeah. So he, now I don't know what's going to happen yet.

This, by the way, is set before Ellie Confidential. Yeah. So he's the police chief in this. Well, he's in charge of Dudley, and Dudley's like fucking with him. And Dudley wants his job. Oh, okay. So I'm going to guess not all goes well from Malcolm. Sorry.

Oh, that's the Malcolm alarm. My Malcolm alarm is going off. And finally, the last character, the most fun, simple character, is Buzz. Ah, yeah. Yeah. Do you know Buzz? Wait, Buzz Meeks? Yeah.

Yeah. It's Buzz Meeks. Yeah, you know Buzz Meeks. Yes, yes. He's from LA Confidential. He is, he is, yeah. Huh. I was going to blow your mind there, got you?

I want to be like, who's that? Who's Buzz Meeks? Buzz, you mean Buzz Lightyer? Buzz from the Hardy box? Oh my God. Where's Woody? So, Buzz Meeks and this. He's working for Howard Hughes to start.

Okay. So he's a cop, but he gets money from Howard Hughes. Yeah, yeah. Just to beat up people. and mostly, to be honest to you, it's mostly just basically pimping. Howard Hughes is all these apartments

around, you know, L.A. They're empty, and basically Buzz just collects women, puts him in the apartment. And he, you know, Hughes fucks him until they turn 19. And then it's Buzz's job to kick him out. Right. Yeah. Well, because he was, you know,

OCD, you know. He was all about cleanliness, you know. It's a disability, actually. Yeah, yeah. So, but then, would you believe it? fucking buzz, he can't help himself. He falls in love with Mickey Cohen's girl. Ah. And he's like, hey,

Mickey's pretty chill. Or can I say, by the way, they don't call him Mickey Cohen in the book a lot. They call him something else. That's pretty offensive. Oh. Let's, I'll tell you all fair. I'm actually not going to tell you on this. Right. It starts with a Kay.

But, so he's banging Mickey's girl. Kiki Cohen. Old Kiki Cohen. Kiki Palmer. Yeah, yeah. So he's banging his girl. I was like, hey, what's the worst going to happen? Would you believe it?

He's banging his girl. Someone comes along. They think it's Mickey Cohen, and they try and kill Buzz. And Buzz shoots a lad. Turns out it's a cop. Oh, shit. It's another dirty cop in a take. God damn it. So he's like, oh, fuck. Are there any honest

men in L.A.? God's sake. It's nothing but bad apples. Dare I say something's wrong with the orchard. If I could be so bold. No, the one thing is it. She's doing their job.

That's it. All right. It's the woman's fault, actually. Oh, that makes sense. She was too beautiful. You're right. She tricked both meeks with her beauty. Yeah.

So then he's got, well, at the moment when I'm reading it, he's thinking I can use this to my advantage. Right. And he's going to use the dead cop and frame another cop. Okay. For this.

Right, right. Maybe Danny. Oh, yeah, Danny. Because Danny's kind of losing it. And Danny, this particular cop got in a fight with Danny because he was like, hey, you're a homo. And Danny's like, No,

not. Fucking fuck you queen bitch you fat pig slap. Yeah yeah.

So that just basically everyone's out to get everyone else and what I really enjoy about his books.

I've read one other book is before Perfidia is just how gross a little bit like Irving Welsh

it's just so gross and shit and you're just in that world and there's no let up at all I like that

there's a whole bit about because you know the whole teat angle. Uh-huh. He goes to like this guy who's kind of like, he sells dogs to, for people to film, you know,

dog fights, you know? Oh, yeah. Or they do, they film dogs eating children sometimes. Whoa. Yeah, it's like, still film stuff. Wow. And he's like, hey, I just sell the dogs. I don't care what you do.

Hey, I love my job. Every dog has you stay. You know how it is. But he also sells, you know, to Disney to like, you know, make, you know, some kind of film where... Lassie? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah. And Lassie fucks a kid. But there's a whole thing about like how you get a dog to... Like basically like attack a human, all right? Okay. So what you do is the male dog, all right? You basically just tease his balls for days.

Just whack his balls with a stick. All right, you know? Maybe he licked them a little bit, you know? Yeah, exactly, yeah. I love my job. Yeah, yeah. And then you get menstrual blood from a bitch dog, all right? Okay.

And you rub it on some. one and then you let the dog just go wild. Wow. Yeah. There's a little lesson for you guys. It's like art attack. Wow. Yeah, it's like just the griminess of the whole thing. And just like just how, but also there's something kind of like

fun, like there's a bit where when he kills the cop, Buzz, all this little stuff but like, you know, the way he buries the body at first, but he does it so it will be dug up so it looks like it's found by coyotes. Oh, okay. It looks and then like

kind of the way he kind of drives around for an alibi and stuff and he pays off some there's so many slurs in this it's hard not to want to slip out okay he pays for some urban characters some doctors or engineers come on I know what you're up to in Belfast

I'm a patriot show I am yeah yeah we haven't really talk with that but it's a bit too depressing to talk about it yeah it is a bit what are you going to do be satirical about it No No

Gotta be careful You know Yeah I'd rather talk about More important stuff Like the Mandalorian Grogoo I think that's That's really where

Discourse gets solved My shorts are going up there Really are writing up You're trying to tease me Are you Yeah Yeah Yeah

Well you know You wear something like that I might get some ideas I am a man after all He was asking for it Your Honor He's wearing his little hot pads around me talking about the Mandalorian. I'm only gonna think one thing.

I gotta grow goo. Yeah, yeah. Got a boba fed all over you, pal.