Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 40 : Brian and James Join the IRA

Episode Date: October 20, 2019

We talk Boris Johnson's screenplay, the IRA, Jame's recent bad gig and the Pillowman by Martin McDonagh.

Episode 3 To be honest This is still all happening The one day I'm still concerned About my eyeball Yeah I may have chlamydia

Just to fill you in This is episode 3 of the day Yes And I might have given James Clamydia Yeah we're not sure Yes In multiple ways

There's ways You don't even know about Oh That's slight of hand Well man Climedia is such a little deal Right now Yeah

No one cares like I think you're just Telling yourself This to normalise You know when you were a kid You scraped your knee yeah that's basically what the media is that for adults like for sexually confident young adults like ourselves

fair enough um you know look it won't kill you these days not will kill you that's true even AIDS like just get some prep or some like um

a little cocktail your grand like yeah it's a beautiful time to get STDs I don't know do you think like are we heading towards the future where they eradicate all disease will that ever be a thing I certainly hope not There's too many of us as it is.

Well, that thing, these diseases don't kill you. They just, I'm worse, like... I'm talking about cancer and shit, you know. Oh, we're getting real, like, hippie-ish, like, you know. Well, I don't know. It'd be nice, wouldn't it, if they could cure cancer? You're opposed to that, are you? I don't always say some outlandish things here, but for God's saying,

draw a line. Really, James? You think that would help people? cancer will just be like chlamydia okay you know the way like I have chlamydia in case the listener isn't cut up

I caught out of it okay and I'm just like oh no when you go into the doctor I'm getting these chlamydia pills free with the way really? Yeah off the government how do you get that? The government oh really they give it to anybody for free yeah any old con they have free clinics

all over the country. So on Tuesdays and Fridays in Dundalk Hospital you go in there, you go like, my dick hurts and they just give you some pills. I ever tell you about that time? I was in the Monaghan Sexual Health Clinic. But do you pay for that? No. See? I don't think I paid for it. No, no. Actually, yeah,

that's right. I offered to pay for her and she was like, no, no, you don't have to pay. It was like, I've got a golden ticket. You're like, hey, well, take this for yourself and you put put in her cleavage. No, but I was Yeah, I got like a few spots in the bag From this doll

And no, it was just like on the I don't know it's pretty gross But yeah I just got some like little growth or whatever And the way that they get rid of it It's liquid nitrogen See that sounds worse than Climedia That's just like you have it

And you're like really and you're like yeah No they had to like freeze it off It's really like Ah ha ha you know If there's one part of the body It's not designed of liquid nitrogen on it It is the tip of my dick Yeah

But anyway so while I was sitting I'm in Monaghan, I'm living in Monaghan at the time, so there's only one hospital, I go there, but the thing is my mom is a nurse and works in Monaghan Hospital, but it's okay, she's upstairs in medical one, I know that, so I go in at a time where I think she's on her lunch break or whatever, but it doesn't even matter, she's like, you know, working on the different part. But, you know, fuck on, I'm just sitting there waiting, and just who walks past my mother, okay, yeah, anyone can see that coming. And she's like, James, oh my God, what's wrong, what's wrong? Before I could open my mouth

just a head pops out of a door that says sexual has James Cadden. My mother just looks at your one and looks at me like I'll talk to you at home and she just ran off ashamed. The only way to think they're better if it was like a carry on film. No, no, I know. It was such like it was like a badly written sitcom but it was

something that actually happened in my life. It would be worse if like you literally, it's like she walks in as they're spraying on tip of your penis and you're like Oh, matron. Oh, no. Liquid dietrichin on me jodin, on my meat tackle, meat and two veg. Oh, no.

Yeah. It's horrible, though. It was horrible experience in many ways. That's something like you're worried about getting chlamydia. Yeah. You've been through the war already. That's true. You're right.

At worst is what happened, kids, if you want to know. Give you some pills. You take it for a week. You're done. Everybody, go get chlamydia. We're all doing it. And that's what I'm saying cancer in a few years

like instead of like you know back now it's like oh no this is a big deal it's like ah fuck it bloody hell I got cancer

I have cancer last week and I can't come in today good day yeah I've got a bit of cancer I can't come in oh come on in it's only a bit of cancer

you're lazy piece of shit you're one of your wife left you you'll be talking man flu yeah that's what they were like this oh man cancer

oh No. The woman gets cancelled. She's so brave. Yeah, with my pink ribbon. So anyway, I'm just thinking some things we talk about today. Okay. You know, everyone's talking about Brex and stuff.

But a thing that kind of got a bit left, a new story came out, and it kind of got forgotten about because of Brex and all that. But it came out that Boris Johnson wrote a screenplay. Yeah, I remember you told me about this. You wrote a screenplay. No, this is a while ago.

He's not like, haven't you trashed up that bladder? That's where I'm in the third act, oh boy, don't worry. As soon as I'm done, I'll deal with all of those little people. No, he wrote a long time. No, no, that's the thing. So you assume, like, he must have wrote this in college. Yeah, yeah.

He wrote this in, like, 2015. Oh, my God. Yeah. Was he mayor back then? This is after he was mayor. After he was mayor. He was well under the policy. He's like a minister and all that.

And he has time to be like, hmm, that might put pen to paper. I'm going to be a real, uh, The next Johnny Screenwriter Johnny Screenplay Yeah, yeah, yeah So it was called Mission to Asgaria Asgaria

Or as It's a made-up place It's Asgrega Okay Yeah And it's the hero So he's going for a real Like Indiana Jones

Mission Impossible type find Okay right Which you wouldn't really expect From him No, it's a weird genre To But then again I suppose he probably would have

Growing up watching It was like adventure stories And so Yeah, like okay All right So it's gonna be like a real like action-packed kind of a

adventure, okay? And the hero of the film, he said he wanted George Clooney for the main role. Wow, that's ambitious. The hero is going to be called

it's where to guys it's true. Marmaduke Montgomery Bertz. Burthaz. Yeah, that's not a good protagonist name.

Marmaduke Montgomery Bertas. No. What's going to be the George Clooney role? No, yeah. Nobody is written for Marmaduke. Yeah. Marmaduke's the name of a comic strip of a dog.

About a dog, yeah. Which they made a movie about that, and Owen Wilson was the vice of the dog. Well, it was right after he tried to commit to see this stuff. Marmaduke, what's wrong? Oh, nothing makes any sense. Wow, I just want to die. Ooh, Marmaduke, just let me die.

Wow. Okay, so it's, um, it's set in this lost city, okay? Yeah. Of Azrig, yeah. Yeah, okay. And, oh no, actually, no, no, no.

Sorry, my mistake. The film is called Mission to Azria, okay? But the city itself is called Shergar. Shergar? Yeah. Oh, after the horse? Yeah. Yeah, the Ra kidnapped it and killed it, is that right?

Is that who did it? Yeah, I think it was the Ra. Well, no, I suppose nobody ever would they think it was the Ra. Why would the Ra want to kidnap a horse? It was worth a lot of money It was a top A bit of money thing

It was the top You know Racehorse at the time So it was like a hostage thing Like give us money Or you don't get the horse back They didn't get the money They didn't get the horse back

Pretty much A lot of people think it's what They botched it Did they? You think that's what They're trying to take the horse And they like dropped it or something Or like they broke a leg or something

Yeah I don't know Possibly You never know Yeah But a horse is a big thing Like how did they dispose the body Would be like big nuisance.

Yeah, but the IRA are good at heighten bodies like it's kind of their thing isn't it? Look, I know a woman is easy like but hiding a horse.

Interesting, you went straight to a woman there. Well, I'm referencing a particular case. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which one?

I don't want to get into it. Oh, okay. I'm in Dundalk, like, I'm actually a member of Sinn Féin. Oh, so you're not like, did I tell you that? It's like Fight Club,

you know, you're not allowed to talk about it. Yeah, being in Sinn Féinfein is a lot like Fight Club, you know, in that, Turns out I am Jerry Adams. I look how you want to look.

I fuck how you want to fuck. I am better than you in every way. And I was not in the IRA. I do, good time. Yes? Yeah. So I actually am a member of Shinfe. I signed up for a goof.

For a larv. Yeah. I didn't expect. I thought like they might put me in a mailing. or something they sent me a full on card oh i don't have it with me but it's like a shin fein card oh does it have your picture on it no okay it's just as it says shin fain like uh um pretty nifty and it's a lot of irish i don't understand okay so i hope it doesn't say anything crazy what are you're gonna do like use it to chop lines of coke or that'd be kind of fun yeah yeah it'd be

cool if it's like the stone cutters and the simpsons or like you know we do yeah who blows up mountbatting's so but they're constantly spamming me oh really they send me emails non-stop oh fuck what kind of stuff just like newsletters and shit bit of news yeah a lot of like raffles oh a lot of like uh yeah raffles and drug dealers yeah a lot of like you know uh just full on just donations like right okay hey you all be cool don't need some money yeah and it's cool because mary lou McDonald's like sending me these emails not personally but I'm in the chain so it's like oh I kind of sometimes pretend like Mary Lou and me are like you know friends yeah did you ever email her back not yet hey Mary Lou what could say to her what could you say

to her um where's Shergaar come on we got way off topic there Shergar Well, before we go back to the Lost City of Shergar Okay You're really kicking off the moment

in the emails because this guy got extradited Okay He used to be in Iraq And he's got extraded back to London To face crimes

Oh, right Yeah, so they're really kicking off about that now It's become a big thing I actually want to study it more Before we start

talking about it on the Should we even talk about it? I mean Will this not jeopardize your membership I shouldn't make I'm going to say with

this affect the court case Or is the rag gonna come after us? I think they know who's I beyond. Oh yeah? It's very much implied. Yeah, but we'll never say it outright. Yeah, yeah. Learn that from Jerry.

Yeah, they're really kicking up fuss about at the moment. So I'll do a bit more research on that and hopefully we'll solve the case. Okay, we're on it. Don't worry, Brian and James are off the case. The case of the IRA. Hey, gang, this pesky IRA, just keep playing carbox. What are we going to do? I'm got an idea

And I just get really high He's like Oh, it's the IRA And there's like a chase sequence You know Like music and stuff Through a haunted ice It is

Yeah So anyway Oh Ah look The IRA Like what are you going to do Kill us I'd like to see them try

Really You and what are me wait there's the ira and what's it the um the irish liberation network i don't know who they are at all there's another one i think i think i shouldn't even be talking about them oh there's another group this may be something that you have inside info now that you're a member of shin pha oh yeah you're right i'm the whistleblower oh you're going to go for a jog and end up with your wrists slashed in the forest it was hillary pito yeah pito i'm actually thinking of the ira

as well they send those debt threats to gay burn back the day did they yeah what about specifically i think this song's like being a brit sympathizer oh okay right and i think also he wouldn't shake uh jerry adam's hand once uh during a late late show appearance oh and it's a bit of uh fuck you to jerry adam you don't want to do that yeah i mean i i'd shake hands of jerry yeah if he yeah you'd have to well like if he told his hand down being like come on yeah you don't have to leave him hanging I mean, I know he may have murdered people, but there's, I mean, there's, there, there's a protocol. That's just rude. Well, I'd shake hands out, anyone.

Yeah. And I mean anyone, like, I don't get the whole idea, like, you always sometimes are like, oh, you had a white supremacist on your podcast, therefore you're a white supremacist. Yeah. Like, I'm constantly hearing that. But that kind of whole guilt by association thing. Yeah, yeah. Well, if that was the case, like, Louis Theroux, like, one of the worst people in the world, like. Yes, that's true.

He's constantly hanging out with racist people and, like... And petos and such. And people who, like, are into polygamous relationships. You know, they're worst people in the world. Yeah, we got really sight-tracked. Wow, all right, back to Boris Johnson's screenplay. There's not really much to talk about, like, it's like... But, like, apparently he optioned it to a famous director.

Well, he says he was talking to directors. Right, okay. He wanted to get Scarred Johansson in the female role. He wants to have, like, a badass female character. Okay. So Scarley Johansson and George Clooney were his two picks

Yeah And this thing is Apparently he says That like He was all up for it And he saw a post For the Monuments Men Yeah

And he said That's probably like my movie Oh And he gave up Even though he's never seen The Monuments Men Wait so he gave up Yeah

I thought it was like He tried to get it Made and it got rejected Oh he probably He probably got rejected And he's saying like No I wanted them to reject it Yeah

Monuments men was shit So I didn't want to do it do you see monuments man no well I remember thinking of a time like I wish Boris Johnson would do a movie like this well I mean by guilt by associate

that kind of thing like again like if we had Boris Johnson on the podcast I'm sure some people like oh that means like you're you're supporting him or something you're giving a platform yeah Joe Rogan gets that a lot if he has like people on

and everyone's like oh you obviously endorse whatever this person says like Mike Tyson for example people were like oh he's a convicted rapist and you're having it I would have Now like I would be interested

At some stage of going to Mount Joy And interviewing some of the When we get really big What? Yeah You've actually had this thought Yeah You want us to go to Mount Joy

And interview You listen to cereal They listen to like All those true crime podcast They talk to people in prison all the time Is that right? Yeah I've never listened to any

Oh yeah They actually have like It's like a You are receiving leaving a phone call from westward penitentiary and it's like hello yeah i killed them oh i sure did yeah so who would we interview in mountjoy then well i don't know anyone personally um but like just to get like a good do you think that's like uh yeah yeah brian and james fuck each other open the gates please i'm sorry here are you shut up yeah it would be cool if you had a

large fan base of mountjoy but only in like the non section The other way, we know some comedians who do, like, prison shows. Yeah, that's right. They've performed in prisons. Would you do that? If they asked you to, yeah. Yeah, it'd be pretty cool.

Like, Johnny Cash and San Quentin, you know? Hmm. But it's a common thing. Like, yeah, a lot of bands and people perform in prisons, like, it's a thing. Like, people have this image of, like, the prisons would be like, let me get them, let me get fresh meat,

you know, like crazy. But they're just, like, I'm sure they're doing more like the white collar performing, like, well, no, didn't they do a gig in my choice? like the comedians we know who is it but I doubt they're performing like the full on rapist

like well I'd imagine it's just like a general population thing like gen pop and the rapist wouldn't mean that would he probably not no I think they're segregated to a whole other place yeah

Oberstown is that not was that where the rapist no not Oberstown that's for the the rotunda oh I don't know there's some non to prison anyway yeah oh really

no I think that's where I draw the line so we should go. We should go to the Nasprison I'm a regular one. I don't think we're not going to get much out of them like. Imagine you get to Mountjoy. It's like, what? There's no petos here. Logging up, boys. We're leaving. You're just

like disgusted. Yeah, I don't think we'd have much conversation with an actual legit pedophile though. Like, we walk to walk. We don't want to talk to talk. Yeah, I don't want to talk to Peter-Fi. Yeah, yeah. Like, what are we going to say? So, how do you get into it? So, if you could

do it all again, how do you think what would be the best way to get away with it like hypothetically how would you get away with these crimes just so just asking for a friend like you got a hard drive and you want to delete you say like magnets or like bury it in like separate fields

how would you do it? I need to know just draw me a map but yeah okay so that'd be interesting well yeah hopefully would you you'd perform in a prison if they asked you to yeah I mean if the money's got to perform for the paedophiles

like I don't care well you know we're thinking of doing like a lot Brian and James show Yeah, that's right I have talked about that Would it be funny Our first show was in Well no we start off from Mount Joy

And work away up We only do prisons That's how hardcore we are We only do prisons A live show A live podcast in a prison Yeah With special guest

Um Who'd be good Irish That we could get like Um Who's a good Irish criminal I don't know You know who we could probably get You know the gay son

For Mrs Brown's boys Yeah Is he in prison? No, no, no, it's all... No, no, no. But he's promoting his book at the moment. Okay. So we can probably get him.

On our show? Yeah, as well. I was thinking more for a prison show, but in the regular show. Oh, right, right. I actually think we could get him. I'm not joking. You think? Yeah, he's desperate to sell his book.

Well, if he hears this, he's not going to be... He's desperate. He'll definitely do it. You know his story? No. He was on the radio there a while ago. Okay. So basically, he was like...

He worked in a record shop, okay? all right and the head of the record shot like that it was like a chain a brand okay kind of like uh what do you call them em i think it was em i think it was em i or tower records might be tower record look it was one of those okay and so it's a quiet day and Brendan O something Brennan O'Connor and that's not him Mrs. Brown's boys guy yeah I'm talking to gay son oh okay Rory something yeah yeah yeah so Rory's just hanging out and he's just doing a bit of like work on his own like he's clean the floor and the manager walks by and like hey that kid's got moxie you know he's not

even been asked to clean the floor make him a assistant producer or something like that what yeah assistant manager and then he became manager real quick and then by like the age of her he was like you know fucking basically running like multiple shops yeah Jesus Christ and then like um he went to a show and he's like hey this man dressed up like a woman on stage yeah and uh does comedy and he was like, oh, I want to see that. And then he was, um, Brendan O'Connor. Yeah, and he was like, this is the most funniest, uh, is it, no, it's not Brendan O'Carroll.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Carol is the good one. Yeah, well, Carol's the successful one. Brendan O'Connor is the one that everyone hates. Yes, that's the, yeah, yeah, including his son. Like, everyone hates him, like, um, okay, so back to, uh, yeah, and then he was like, it just seems like it just failed upwards. He was just, like, just fell into it.

It was like, and they were like, we need some. someone to play the gay son he's like well I can do that you know like that we need like an uncle Tom for gay people and he's like I can do that and then he's gone and then like um he just became like the show became big and he was just getting private jets to like Australia and stuff like that

to do the shows then he quit he quit yeah why did he quit uh because they expected them to do like two hours of work a week or something something like it sounded like he had a pretty cushy job and he was like it was awful I wasn't uh you know I went to a hotel room once it was cold so I quit yeah well he did say it's a bit of a sad moment it's like his mother was dying oh and he's on the phone with her but he wanted to quit the show and they're

like you can't it's mrs brown's boys right like you're on tour in australia's like oh what's more important you know uh and his mother died then yeah okay and you got to be on the phone with her but still the same thing still that's pretty great would you do that if we were on tour with brian james fuck each other my mother was dying yeah wow i mean long distance calls are pretty expensive to be honest but I don't know maybe like a WhatsApp chat or something

like dying L-O-L I don't know what's the dumb thing emojis an over gene that's like a

crying phase it's like I'm afraid that's too emotional like like the other way like we have final words in the future but like his final emoji

oh god that's depressing his final gif was like like it was like some drag queen going like yes queen so I told you I've been hanging out with these women like yeah they're real women and it's kind of like interesting

real women just regular women that's what they're not comedian women right now so I get like a see how the other side lives yes yeah okay so they watch a lot of RuPaul's drag race as well so I've been watching that okay have you ever watched it before I've tried to watch it for okay but this is the first time I was like look I'm stuck here now. I have to watch two episodes. Wait, so how, why is, you're like friends with these girls?

Just hanging out, okay. I'm hanging out, and it's kind of like, it looks really bad if they put it on, I go like, ah! You just get sick. Yeah. You pull out and go out and shoot the television. No worry, I got them.

They'll never hurt us again. Yeah, it looks bad. Wipe the gun. Yeah, so like, for your prints and planted down beside the TV. I put it, I make the girl hold it. but like you know like I'm the most liberal guy you've ever met my life

yeah you're pretty liberal even your life you know like yeah yeah but this show it's not it's just about they're just annoying yeah it's just very like loud and in your face

they're very loud even the stage like your girls are like this is like a particularly bad episode it's particularly bad group to like start with like uh

and after a while they kind of get a little bit like oh look they're they're not just cons they're kind of like I suppose they're kind of enjoying themselves. Yeah. And it's the thing

I just don't understand. Yeah, well, it's not for you, really. It's not for me. Yeah, it's not for me either. I think that the big part of life is kind of understanding, like... Yeah, just because something exists

and people like it, don't have to concern yourself with it. But it doesn't mean you have to like it as well if you don't like it. I'm kind of jealous. Some people, like, it feels like that's like their religion. Like, that's how they get strength

is from watching RuPaul's Drag Race. Really? Yeah, it's like they make it through life by, like, they feel sad and like, oh, no, I don't know what to do. and then they see like a gif. And they're like, hey, I'm getting back on the horse, you know?

Well, what's, to be honest, I didn't know it was like that. I thought it was just like another kind of trashy reality TV show. No, this is like a way of life for a lot of people. Oh, really? Even people who don't do drag around like that. Oh, wow. Yeah.

It's like, hey, she can do it. Maybe I can be confident in my, um, uh, awful banking job. Yeah. I really don't see how it translates to real life, though, because, I mean, again, I've never watched. show but it seems it's a lot of like

bitch slapped oh yeah you know what I mean like it's a lot which is like a Jerry Springer trash TV thing well you're not slapping each other too much like are they not no no no again I don't know like Jerry Springer is really just like let's get

poverty it's like poverty it's like poverty porn like let's get the the worst people who've had like the worst like life I'm pretty sure Jerry Springer a lot of those people aren't even real like you know it's just like they're just like act you know they're it's completely fake if you know what I mean

all the drama and even the real people like didn't have loads of cans of drink in the green room and stuff they'd be cursing

like hey why don't you get drunk you know do some gear yeah yeah yeah

just Jared would be like hey look I know you're off the wagon yeah I know sorry I know

you're on the wagon but for the purpose of the show do some fucking heroin yeah all right so RuPaul's

Driveways for watching it and I really there's nothing really to say about it's just like

it's another one of these things I'm watching and it's kind of like oh I kind of understand a bit more but I also don't really

like look can I can I just not watch something yeah that's totally fine really oh thank God why don't you just did you not feel like saying well no I guess you're in their house it's their house so you don't want to be like

there's six women okay I don't want to be the one guy going like ah this is wrong and I start handing out Bibles but yeah but then I'm sure they know that you're not into it like

are they kind of ha ha Brian's watching this no let's make him dress up like a girl let's pull his pants down and touch it it starts flicking it like look how small it is that is like I think subconsciously that's when when the straight man watches RuPaul

that's kind of like their fear if RuPaul's going to come out of the TV like the ring Oh, fucking hell But that being said, I would like to be a guest on the show They have a guest on every episode Do they have, like, big people on it? They have Miley Cyrus and Bobby Miningham.

Together? No. Oh. That's a bit of a drop, isn't it? Yeah. I love Bobby Minehan, but yeah, Miley Sarius is proper famous. Yeah, the thing where, like, she went undercover as like the makeup guy, she had a beard.

And they were like, you, be on. and say what it's my cyrus and they start screaming okay yeah and i'm like oh a lot of screaming then is there yeah yeah not the good type of scream not the kind of gets me all right yeah so this is like look just give you a window into my mind okay yeah so i watch two episodes of drag race and after while i'm kind of like hey look let them you know say sarah sarah yeah you know whatever it will be would be. Then I went home and watched Dogville. That's the Lars von Trier film about rape.

Just to like, you know. Just to, you know, to cheer you up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, when people have a hard day, they go watch RuPaul's Drag Race, but you come in, you know, put the code up in the hat and you sit down at a glass of Scotch and watch some. My wife, like, tries talking like, I just need a bit of dog, I need a bit of Lars von Trier just to get.

Where are the kids? Bring them in here. It's a great film, but it's very dark. It's all about a little village, and Nicole Kidman shows up, and then, like, they all rape her. That's basically, like, the... The whole movie? Yeah, they're nice worth of it's dark, and they're, like, you know, they make her do work, and they tie her to, like, a metal thing, and they all take turns on her. And even the children make fun of her, like...

Oh, wow. Yeah, they're like, you know, hey, hey, and they throw stuff out her. Jesus. Yeah. Is that Nelson from The Simpsets? Ah! Ha! He's got raped.

Ha! Sorry. Yeah. I like yeah that's really grim but the kids are and she's like tied up and all

one of the kids actually beforehand because she's on the run from gangsters and she's hiding out in this village I think you'd like it because we're both

from small towns communities so I've always liked that kind of image the idea of like the small town seems nice yeah it's a dark on her belly

and in a way isn't that like humanity itself isn't humanity just A small town on a really big scale No, not at all Isn't all, you know, every human's got a dark side Yeah, well that's true

The force of, evil is a force of nature Yeah, it exists The difference between man and animal Is blurred I'm telling these, I'm telling this to the girls This man is watch RuPaul's drag, Chris No, watch it got it Hey, what are you going to say?

I don't remember go ahead I want to watch more Laris Ventrier films I've seen a few of his yeah he had

Antichrist haven't seen that one but then he had an infomania part water too I've seen clips of that and it wasn't like Shaila Bluff

just like banging but I think they digitally inserted his penis or like digitally like that's not his body like

there's a lot of real sex in it but that's not their heads yeah or they do a lot creative imagery yes pretty much

Charlie Booth has a new film coming out about himself I saw that honey boy yeah yeah yeah and he play shyel buff plays oh i thought dad because his dad is like a real pushy oh i get i get that confused of peanut butter falcon what's peanut butter falcon it's about it keep it down syndrome that's not about chile

abut no i know but i get those two confused because they're both kind of titles that like peanut butter and honey yeah yeah i get confused so i like i'm pretty sure it's called honey boy yeah no it is it is and there's a kid in it and the kid is meant to be shyle buff when because shy above actually started when he was like 10 years old yeah yeah he went to comedy clubs when he was 13 that's insane and did sets like as a 13 year old and like he got a reputation by here's this little kid who says really dirty stuff apparently his act was filthy when he was 13 like so yeah he was like a child actor and stuff and now he's in the movie playing a fictionalized version of his dad who apparently was all coked up and pushing him into acting and stuff like that so

yeah looks very interested in him yeah I like Shilabuff I mean he's a good actor Charlotte Booth is like well I hope happens to us someday it's like we go through the ringer and we come out the other end and we're like all weird yeah and you know there's a dark side to us now we're like pulling out our teeth with pliers for a movie yeah yeah even though we didn't get the part

we're doing a lot of research for the roll up which is old Pete Tonsend defense eh you were saying like he did a lot of like dirty sets yeah i wish i started as a kid i wish i started doing stand-up as a kid i never would have like it would have been it's so easy though you just go up there like hey look at his uh hey why you some kind of kind of cunt and you know everyone would love it like yeah that's true actually yeah hey uh you know that's probably a really big thing in america like to have kids going up

well maybe not anymore there might be a thing like we can't have kids here yeah maybe it's like we have you opening for louis and we say opening oh yeah You better believe we mean it. Louie, Louie, Louis. Shut up. Damn kids. But yeah, like, I'd say that's the thing that isn't really... You only see it that much in Ireland.

Like, the real pushy parents going, like, you got to go out there. Well, it's more for gah and stuff. Yeah. You don't see for, like, you got to go, you got to work on your five minutes. You got to get rid. But, like, parents go to, like, under tens, gah matches and, like, scrubs. bloody murder fuck I get off the pitch

I'm like children like you know yeah that's a very interesting side of the human mind is like that kind of like this kid's gonna win or it's gonna kill him you know like that I love my son so much

I'm either gonna like I'm gonna make him a winner he's gonna be the best yeah there's a documentary called trophy kids and it's all about that like pushy parents who are like pushing

their kids into sports events and stuff but are like what the fuck was that shit that was that your best to like a two year old, I don't know, like a six-year-old or a fucking eight-year-old girl, like,

you fucking sucked! Get in the car! You know, the worst thing that happened was Tiger Woods, because that his story was that boy, he became the grace. Yeah, exactly. That's what they all got. So, think about how many kids' lives have been ruined because of Tiger Woods. Not directly. Yeah. He's not doing it, like,

he's not going, like, ha, ha, ha. That wasn't his motive in factor. Yeah. Yeah. But, like, just all these kids... There's another film about this documentary, and there's like, some little kid and he must be like seven and he's like yeah they cast me in all the fat rolls uh oh the losers gay kids uh Jesus yeah I need I'm like comic relief because like I'm so ugly looking and his mother's like that's right oh my god you better not get your teeth fixed

fuck that's horrible yeah just like force feeding on but I'm being that young just being so self-aware like yeah I'm weird looking and but even being able to just admit it and say it out loud like this is my career I'm a fat ugly kid that must be so weird like you're a child star and let's say like at the age of 15

you're like well I'm washed up you're done you're a husband now I sell Subaru's as you're looking that's like a success story yeah I suppose actually you're right yeah it goes a lot it could go real bad for child actors

like the two Corries didn't work out for them there's two Corrie's yeah Cory Feldman and Corey Ham which one one's dead? Corey Ham. What happened to him?

Drug overdose. But it's a well-known fact. They were both molested. Now, I heard someone say Charlie Brooker, not Charlie Brooker. Streetwife. No, I'm going to stick with this. I heard Charlie Brooker raped it. No, I heard Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen on the set of Lucas allegedly had sex with Corey Ham, who was... Charlie Sheen was 19, Corey Heim was 13. Now, what they do is they make the older children of sex with younger children, and that way they're both guilty. Yeah. And then almost like a breeding program, like... Yeah, it's pretty fucked up,

but apparently Corey Hym fell in love with Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen was like, ah, forget it, kid. Yeah. Yeah. It's Chinatown. It's like, what? Man. Min, bin, bin, men, men, men,

starring the two Corys. Yeah. Yeah, no. It's a child actors, man. They don't get a good run of it. How do we get on to this? Shailaboof. Shalaboof.

Child actors. Child actors. Comedy. Yeah, yeah. Comedy. it all, it all ties a neat little package Yeah

But even would you, like If you have a kid Would you want your kid to do Oh hell no No Not until he or she is at least like 18 Even 18

I'd be like Oh, are you sure Yeah I didn't live in first I didn't start till I was 26 Hmm You know I had a wealth of pain

To draw from Yeah you had a crazy life Not crazy just shit Yeah There's nothing remarkable Polarado went on the grand scheme of things Were you in a band though? Yeah, I played bands and stuff

So in my imagination It was a story of like, you know You woke up one day after a gig And there's groupies everywhere I'm an imagine In Hollywood This really isn't working for me anymore My creative spirit

Cannot thrive Yeah, this is how I sounded When I was in a band Get off me, you twollop I'm going to pursue comedy Yeah David Geffen rings me up Oh geez, we need it

Forgetting that I'm a comedian, yeah. Just hang off the phone. And then you get rid of all your platinum records and you go to jesters. Working from the bottom. Yeah, yeah. No, you do it like a part,

like a bit like undercover boss, like. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, you know, like it's, you wouldn't want your kids to do stand-up. That's the thing. I don't even want my kids to be alive. You'll take care of that. write a joke

but they should put this send Charlie Sheen after him I'm trying to think there's anything else we could talk about I feel like we've kind of like we've done like we've done straight up like

two and a half hours of talking yeah it's hard going it is yeah I know like to keep it going yeah yeah like it looks Navy SEALs I guess that's hard

but could they have a podcast yeah probably probably could actually be a great one really interesting I think But we all be redacted. The other way we, beep,

those civilians. Yeah, yeah. God, we did a lot to them. That was a lot, beep. And then we killed them. What?

Yeah. A humane thing to do, really. I'm trying to think of anything else crazy that happened to us during the week. You said you went to Mollinger. Oh, yeah, I did a gig of Mollingerer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I suppose, we could talk about, like, gig, that charity gig I did, that just sort of descended Oh, that'll be a great way to round up the end of night now. I'm not going to implicate, I'm not going to use any names. Yeah, so let's say all I know is I wasn't involved in this, this is James'

story now, all I know is James is a gig. I did a gig, it's not even that remarkable, like, but basically this guy, he like put on a night of charity gig or whatever, but like he got really drunk and just started heckling the comedians halfway through and he was just, yeah,

like people were showing up and leaving nobody knew who was on the bill but the whole time the guy's just hammered heckling like yeah it's like he booked all these people to come and perform while he just like you fucking shit mate more or less like and he's hammered so halfway through a set a guy just storms off

I don't want to use any names you know should I use names but the names you're going to use are all in good purpose like okay nah but again I don't know if like when you say so-and-so walked off the gig because it was so bad yeah well no see the guy was like full on heckling

actually got up on stage with the guy yeah started like the guy spelled a dragging themselves so the ends the guy who hosted went up a blue roll started wiping it on him and the comedian was like what the fuck are you doing just left the stage but then the headliner got on was like yeah there's a load of shout and there's lots of pricks so I'm out basically

again I'm not gonna use names I uh yeah that's not yeah that's not even use names but you went up though I went up yeah well I got there I was supposed to be opening the second half but like the first three comedians had all dropped out on the day more or less was like right you're up first

it's like when's that happening in two minutes basically I was like what the fuck like a guy got up he asked me to send him my bio which like you only do that for promotional shit but he started reading my bio before he brought me on which was really

awkward and uncomfortable but he couldn't even pronounce the words I had words like energetically boisterous in it and he was like energetic voice what the fuck's that man he couldn't read the words but then he started giving me shit his inability to read

something I didn't want him to read what's this word energy like you know what I mean and he was like giving me shit for it as like all right like it's a gig for mental health fucking donate some money to a literacy program it's funny how the mental health gigs are like the ones that like make you the most depressed

well nobody left there feeling better I'll tell you that much yeah look we'll talk about one final thing ago I've been reading a lot of plays oh yeah in the library in college where I am they've got a lot of Martin McDonough plays he's a guy that did in Bruges

yeah in Bruges three billboards outside Mississippi he's made some good movies yeah yeah seven psychopaths I don't remember that was fun it was actually pretty funny

from what I remember yeah Sam Rockwell's great now Sam Rockwood's great and like everything everything yeah so I read his play called The Pillow Man okay what's that about

it's kind of cool it's like it's about a writer and he gets he's getting interrogated by the police because he writes a lot of stories about children getting murdered

and how children are getting murdered in real life yeah and they're kind of similar to his uh his plots which I told you about this area and you said it's like castle yeah well it's kind of like castle in that like but that's like a shitty

kind of crime daytime crime show about like this crime novelist who the cops kept to like, help us solve the case, Castle. Yes, no problem, and he's just, like, the handsome and charming and makes jokes. Yeah, and I doubt there's, like, many children getting killed in Castle, like...

Not in any of the episodes I see. Like, one of the kids gets killed, like, crucified like Christ. Okay. And another kid gets, like, they put razor blades in, like, apples, and they shove, like, nine down her mouth. Jesus. And another kid, I think, just,

bar his head in. I'm running out of my ears. Yeah, who's getting a bit lately. I was like, that's very... As anything, I judge the writer more the murderer in that sense the murder is probably like what he's read the book

give you something to work with me it's like the most intense shit ever and afterwards like ah I don't know fucking hits her with a shovel the kid falls off the swing I don't know it's kind of like that

what's her name that Maria Bailey she fell off a swing do you remember that I missed all that because of America at the time but yeah she was like she was holding like a bottle of wine

and a glass and she fell off and she was like soon in the hotel yeah that's hilarious and then she was on like um Sean O'Rourke, I think, one of those interview shows

and she just didn't do herself any favours, like... Yeah, everybody was really against her from the start, like... Yeah, and she immediately, after a while, she's like, this... It's the press, is the ones that are a fault here. Yeah.

And then she went on to be called Gemma O'Dardy. Same woman, that's her secret origin, right? So anyway, yeah, um... The Pillow Man. The Pillow Man. So, like, and one of the stories is called The Pillow Man. Right. And there's a lot of it, like,

I'm like, why would anyone read this story? One of his stories, the Pillow Man, the story the name comes from, is about a guy who's made out pillows, and he what he does is he finds someone who's had depressing life, okay, and he brings him back in time and he helps a kid

commit suicide. What the fuck? Yeah. That's bizarre. Yeah. Made of pillows. And why travel back in time to commit suicide? So they'll never have to deal with their awful life. Just commit suicide in the present? No, because they've had to deal.

with like 30 years of awfulness it's much kinder to go back in time with a child this is my like an episode of Doctor Who this is absurd yeah yeah that little bit I'm like this feels like Martin McDonough just being like intense for the sake of it like well it sounds more retarded to be honest than anything yeah well speaking of retarded uh the writer is being interrogated by um these cops okay and his brother is like mentally handicapped the writers yeah yeah so they've tortured the brother and they've made them say like anything like Oh really?

Yeah yeah So Burr's like Yeah my brother My brother killed all those children And then like Kind of like a Brendan Dassey situation now What did you do

Brit? Killed him What's this? Brendan Dassey Oh yeah You've never seen Making a murderer Oh is that

What happened Making a murder Oh man there's like Yeah Like Brendan Dassey He's like an accomplice He's like the nephew And he is like genuinely

Like mentally He's got Really low IQ Like to the point Where he can be class As mentally retarded Where like He doesn't count as a human

well that's what the words they use but yeah and there's footage of it and the cops were like so what did he do Brendan came up behind her no that's not what you that's not what happened and tell us what happened and they really lead them down the path

it's shameful you know what that must be like for the interrogator you know the way if you go to a really nice gig really nice room and it doesn't even feel like it doesn't feel like work you know you're doing the jokes and they're laughing like really good energy yeah

for an interrogator that must be like where it's like I'm going to say anything this guy's going to agree with it. Like, doesn't even feel like work today. This is going to be a fun day. I can make him, like, I can, like, I'm surprised he didn't make him, like, confess, like, being Jack the Ripper as well, you know?

So back to the Pillow Man. So they beat a confession out of the retired brother. I'll just tell you what happens. Like, you're not going to be there yet. No, I'm not. Okay. So, you know, he's like, oh, no, why you do, Dan?

It's like, it's okay. Like, I just told him what they wanted to hear. And they're like, yeah, but they're going to shoot us because they're in a totalitarian state. Oh. Yeah. You left that part out. Oh, I forgot.

I imagine I was describing Blade Runner. And I was like, yeah, so Harrison Ford's looking for some girl and like, uh, I don't know. And also like just robots. That's not important. Okay, so they're in a totalitarian state. Yeah, but we don't find that straight away either, like. Okay. They mention it because they keep going, like, they're going to be executed, like.

Now, yeah, is this, okay. No, I can go. Okay, is this in the world that the place, This is the world's play set in. Okay, right, okay. This is the writer being interviewed by the guy, okay? And they're all, like, one of his, um, novel, like, short stories. Right.

This isn't, like, a story that the writer writes in the story kind of thing, you know? That would be almost too bullshit. Yeah, wouldn't it? If it turned out, it was that, like, you know. Uh, so, um, there is really, there's a real, Mara McDonough has a lot of the same twerks as like, um, like Chuck Paltanak and the Brett East Nellis where he's a lot. of this stuff thrown in for shock value

yeah like there's two detectives okay and halfway true it's mentioned that detective got raped by his dad and he's a kid yeah

and the other text like hey stop bringing that up and he's like hey what you want me do about not bring up

and rape my dad and stop him from raping me what do you want me do not bring up the traumatic incident where you get to feel like

Mark McDonald's writing and it going yeah yeah he's he's basically in the play version of what we're doing as a podcast where we're like rape yeah well the kid got rape and he's like we never said that uh well yeah we cut that out but we're like you know hey what if like um

you crucify the kid and like you kneel their arms to the walls and shit wouldn't that be crazy and they're like oh my god mark and you're a genius it's just gratuitous i was also wondering is you know the way like his brother is like mentally um wrong deficient like are you talking about the carcass brother that's what I mean like is that slight this

as brother oh wow whereas brother also wants to write stories yeah but he's not as good he's not as good no

because the guard wasn't as good I feel like the guard was an accident yeah the guard like the guard was like yeah good work

yeah you do that and then it's like what if Brendan Gleason was a priest and like yeah derivative you go ahead and do it just you know

stop eating those butterflies and then eventually he's like why if like Alexander Sarsgaard and who's the other guy in war and everything? I have no idea. And Michael Pina were like cops

and they're like get the gun well okay so they're interrogating him and we have a flashback in Act 2 turns out that Billigordoff

sorry I'm getting like I'll have a drink of water No, we've got to fight through this Sorry, so Clemeny's kicking in Yeah, yeah Okay, yeah We find out that the writer's parents

Are younger Tortured his brother So it'd be a better writer Oh Yeah Wow They felt like Doesn't seem like a little shite

As I say it Yeah, it really does seem Yeah, wait They tortured him in the other room The retarded brother Yeah, yeah So the trauma Of that would make him a better writer

Oh my God, are you serious That is so fucking shit I think that is hacky as fuck I take this back This is like kind of like shit Oh okay Yeah So Mark McDon

Guess what happens then Okay so the writer as a child Smuddered his own parents To save his brother With a pillow Oh of course Yeah Yeah alright

Okay The more I say this The more I'm like God Maybe Martin McDonough is the real retard That's the twist John's like an idiot savant Okay so let me cut back to the present

The detectives have left And like oh what are we going to do And the brother's all like you know It's okay we just get executed That sounds fun You know that kind of stuff And it turns out the brother actually killed the children That's the big twist

That's the act two twist Because he likes He likes his brother His writer brother so much He's so how you say like reenact the Okay right Yeah yeah okay and then guess what the writer does smothers his brother with a pillow okay

yeah and then the detectives come back in like Jesus what's going on here and he's like look I'll write a confession I did everything my brother wasn't involved in as tall I killed all of myself okay Jesus but please save my stories like all my short stories please save them all because they're only thing that matters in this world the only thing that matters in this world. The only thing I have left. And the writer's like, okay, if you sign a confession, I'm sorry, the detective's like, if you sign a confession,

we'll save your stories. He's like, thank you. So he writes a confession. And after you write it's like, guess what, we know your brother did it? We got fingerprints everywhere. And you know what? You didn't give a true confession. So we're burning your stories. So they burn the stories in front of them and then they shoot

them. The end. Yeah, the end. Marlon has done it again Doesn't that seem like a real shit Yeah it's pretty Like absurd to be honest Doesn't seem like real like someone Like a teenager

Trying to be edgy Yeah It's just Well what age was he when he wrote it It could have been like young Oh no No He just came out in 2003

Well What is it is it like When he in his 50s Yeah What makes him in 2003 What have you been It's still not enough It still doesn't excuse it like

Fair enough I take it back. I thought it was good because the dialogue's very good. Okay. Yeah, to be honest, I don't, you know, I think about the work Martin McDonough's done. I'm a genuine fan, like, so, and obviously he's better than us. He's gone better, like,

since 2003. Okay, yeah, his work is better. Like, in Bruges is great. Yeah. And I like seven psychopaths and, what was the other one? Three billboards. That was great. That, like, got nominated for an Oscar. That was great. Tell you, Woody Harlson, that's how you want to go. Fantastic.

Bag on the head, scare a horse. Leave a nice, letter, you know, the whole thing. Make your wife come one last time. I wouldn't be able to do that now. Ah, this really is a work of fiction, isn't it? Crazy Martin McDonough and his crazy ideas. Totalitarian state is one thing.

Making a woman come, you're mental. You've jumped this shark, buddy. Well, I've got three more plays to read. Play, Mark McDonough? Mark McDonough, yeah. One's a beauty queen in Ishmaur, a skull and Connemara I've heard

of that I've heard that's very good I know Pat Short did that yeah which you know

Pat Short does dramatic things he's great garage garage is great yeah yeah

love in the end he like doesn't he turn into a horse or something are you being serious he does he does like

it's like an image kind of thing isn't it he like goes into the water but then don't they show a horse running

oh do they yeah it's like symbolism oh right that he's free I'm not say he turned to a horse yeah

I know that's what he said you said he turned into a horse oh you know i meant no i didn't i'm tired like yeah he turned into the tristar logo and he flew away uh we're going to end it there yeah well like this is a a nice fun one of me a good recording session yeah uh any last words before you go we're not killing ourselves or anything just like well i don't know how the rest of this day is going to shit uh turn out yeah uh here's our final thought what Are we Jerry Springer?

Jerry Springer to the final talk? Yeah. Who was Jeremy Springer or Jeremy Kyle, like, one of the guests killed themselves? That was Jeremy Kyle. What was Dory with that? Basically very similar to what you were saying. Like, you know, they just like plied him full of drink and he went and made a fool of himself. And then he went and killed himself.

He was like mentally unwell. But that's like it all got cancelled and it all came out afterwards that they used to like give the guests drink and stuff. But obviously mentally unwell people with substance abuse problems. And they just took advantage. Fuck it, he's gone now I gotta be a good news for a go because we all talk

with suicide apparently the suicide right in Ireland's going down cowards you want to take response I was going to say

like maybe it's the podcast Oh yeah I think yeah I mean oh wow God well you know what

I can say if we stop more suicides and cause suicides I think that's yeah that's all you can ask for yeah

remember to say that to St. Peter when we're at the gate hey come on listen to the podcast yeah all right Okay, goodbye, everyone.

Goodbye.