Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 50 : Shades of Grey

Episode Date: November 24, 2019

Brian and James get into Bondage.

and we're off hey it's a new episode episode 50 50 episodes well 50 episodes we've put up oh yeah yeah we've recorded other ones we had to delete we had to get rid off completely we had to like burn the hard drive throw the laptop in the river yeah yeah yeah like we proper like um get a magnet and go over laptops so we they can't like we i won't say who but there's one episode in particular we um we started off talking about slitting some celebrity's throat yeah and it just got worse from there we got really like, it was like a Rob Zombie film, we just kept talking about murdering people and it came off

more like a trest than a joke. It did, yeah it just was very late, we were very tired, we were just like, oh, fucking kill him. Yeah, we just came back from McDonald's so we were murderous. Yeah, we were high on preservatives. Well, actually, no, I drank one can and you'd smoke the joint. Okay, so

we can't be held accountable for actions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Roman Polanski. What was she doing there in the first place? Yeah, he was drunk, so like if he's strong was your argument sorry I was going a completely different direction never back yeah but both you know what wasn't that Tarantino's whole thing Tarantino said that yeah and Howard Sturney was like hey what was she doing there was a Hollywood party she was high on drugs what she expect yeah yeah that's basically what he said well that was like the attitude

it was back down it's kind of like it really was like what do you expect yeah it was in Jack's Nicholson's house as well yeah but Jack was a way at time I bet he's happy about that I would imagine so here we are episode 50. And it was your roommate actually. Give her a shout out. Leanne? Yeah. Who she suggested this. Oh, she did. You're right actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot about that. Remember, she was like, do 50 shades

of grey for a 50 episode and I was like, that's a great idea and you were kind of like, we don't want to watch that. Yeah. Well, I do. Look where we are now. I didn't watch it though. I did. You watched it. Because I care about our fans. When a fan says something to me, I listen. Yeah. I take it in and I do that thing.

Okay. You just throw fucking, you know, you just throw garbage at your fans. Because you're all pieces of trash.

Goddamn trash. Yeah, I was going to watch it, but then I was just like, oh, I really don't want to watch. Because I knew it was terrible, do you know?

Yeah. I was expecting more now. Like, I knew, look, I knew it wouldn't be great. Yeah. But it was a big budget

studio film that was released in cinema. So I was expecting a level of quality. Yeah. Even in terms of, like, acting in story that was just not,

not there really like this feels like a hallmark movie okay it's feels cheap right and it feels like no one put effort into it and that makes feel like you're wasting your life then kind of like the book i actually got depressed when i finished watching it well during it as well i was like what because like look i'm not going to live forever no you're not and the way i'm living the moment like i've been told you i've become addicted to quite a few drugs have you yeah oh yeah well not even fun drugs like just donkey tranquilizer rat poison I've become really addicted to rat poison

and I'm just injecting bleach into my dick I'm getting no benefits from this at all a fair amount of physical discomfort yeah yeah so I've only got like a year left

okay this is a big announcement for episode 50 and I'm wasting on my final days watching 50 shades of grey and I'm probably going to watch the next two as well for the podcast

really yeah because I care about the fans Ah, okay. Okay, so you watch 50 Shades of Grey. Yeah. Now, when did the book come out, actually? Let's go, you know, before the movie, there was the book, and the book became a global sensation.

So basically some wine-drunk fucking moron, yeah. Wrote some Twilight Fan Fiction. Twilight Fan Fiction. That's how this fucking started. And then she published it on fanfiction.com under the name, like, Princess, warrior or something like that emerald golden princess something like that on fanfiction.com you're

going fanfiction. Never in my life. I've never written or read any fan fiction. I used to go on sometimes to go into the explicit section. Like what? Like what were your oh were your favorites? Like what fan fiction like what shows or maybe that was the kind of fun thing yeah now I wouldn't go on there going like I can't wait to get hot and heavy here I'd go on it more like kind of a laughing kind of way right we're like oh this is so dumb this is pretty sexy getting little hot and bothered here oh my god

a little steamy oh what's the what's Doctor Who doing there oh canine bear watch out Doctor Who the most notorious rapist ever because nobody knows who he is

well Doctor Who like his whole thing is he's an old man who puts women like brings women into his box and the family never see them again get into the telephone box yeah

and then this newest doctor it's kind of like well the women aren't coming into my box anymore I'm going

pretend to be a woman so it started off as fad fiction yeah yeah and then it got published and it became

huge overnight and they're saying the big reason for it was because the Kindle okay because with Kindle you could read

wherever you want and it was just around the same time we got shared around social media and it was kind half a meme and half serious

yeah I think a lot of people were kind of taking the piss of it because it was shite no it's kind of me and fanfiction dot com a lot of people were kind of reading it sort of ironically yeah right go on it ironically

wink wink yeah and what they have a teenage me ninja turtles fan fiction this is funny I'd read it on top of like Donatello Stroking Magneto

not like me or a shredder no it's Donatelo Michael Angelo Oh Leonardo Michael Arnold They're all related. Donatello and Raphael. Yeah, but they're reptiles.

Yeah, it's a big incest reptile. Do you think teenage rooting Ninja Turtles are actually, you know, they allude to the reptilian overlords, you know? Oh, that could be, yeah, yeah. But all those turtles were having sex, like all those reptiles. It's kind of like, uh, Hillary Clinton's... And Obama. Yeah, yeah.

So it became huge, and more and more people got into it. and then what happened is then people who've never read books in their life never even seen a book that's not a joke you can go on to Amazon there's all these reviews going like I've never read a book before never wanted read a book before never even seen a book none of my business yeah what's like a bunch of bloody words on a page what am I supposed to do with that that's that the reviews it's almost like bragging like you I've never read a book before because I'm too cool I'm out partying with my bros

banging chicks I'm too busy tying chicks up and fucking them against their way I was like I can't relate to any books I can't relate to James Joyce I can't relate to Sylvia Platt fuck books James Joyce was actually a notorious pervert

I know but it wasn't tying them up okay yeah but then along comes The Long comes 50 Shades of Grey I think her name is like E L Jules James, something like that. E.L. James, yeah. Yeah.

Look it up. People got sexy. El James. Also, we're kind of coming around the time where women warrantage is ashamed about sexuality anymore. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean.

So I was kind of like, well, how do you phrase this? Like, a lot of really, like, a lot of like mothers and soccer moms and, like, lonely, old women, stuff like that. They probably, like, never really, like, repress.

or sexuality stuff like that yeah yeah some of these book comes on like oh oh my god yeah and they drink a little wine and masturbate and just yeah fucking have a good old time so it becomes a huge publishing it was all yeah it was a sensation like everyone was talking and it became like the big punchline's like oh don't you like 50 shades of gray yeah it became every now and again you go through phases where it becomes the go to punchline yeah it's like well it's like love islands or, oh, it's like, if you're sure it's a grey. Or Madeleine McCann. Yeah, yeah, they're all very similar, yeah.

All very erotic in their own way. Well, I'm writing a book involving all three. An erotic thriller. You know, in fairness, Madeline McCann probably did end up on a version of Love Island that was too hot for TV. It's not a lot of fun, but there are a lot of cameras there. This is the scariest person's Love Island there. This is Love Island too hot. hot for TV

on Little St. James Yeah So should we get to the film? Yeah, let's do it. Okay, so basically what happened is Obviously, a book is big What's going to happen? Gonna make a movie.

Mr. Movie Studio is going to come along. It's the Hollywood. Throw some money around, buy the rights to the book And this was like, it's kind of like, oh my God, people are already like When the rights were bought, people are like, I can't wait for this.

And then slowly and shortly you got more information about it or working on it. So they cast that Northern Irish guy Jamie Doran Jamie Doran Mr. Gray

Well originally he was going to be a guy from Suns Anarchy Oh The main guy The Charlie Hunnam Is that his name Ron Perlman

That would have been good Hellboy Yeah He's wearing the makeup With my red Right Hey and oh Yeah

Yeah So it might be Charlie But he dropped out Yeah I remember at the time He were going like good well he's a shite actor like yeah and they were like

he's not Mr. Gray oh really Jamie Doran isn't he's not Mr. Gray either you do and the director they got was

kick ass his wife oh Aaron Taylor Johnson Aaron Taylor Johnson's wife and his wife was like four years older than him yes she I think they started banging

when they made Nowher Boy where he played a young John Lennon yeah she directed but yeah there's like a 20 year age gap yeah yes queen feminism it is yeah but it's also kind like you know no fair like like you know i'm sure they love each other yeah but it's only a matter of time before well i'm sure he could be yeah like he's a famous actor like you know

pretty good looking like oh i meant like he'd get too old for her oh right i thought he'd be he'd want to maybe go for something a bit younger himself no i i meant like um she'd like throw him away and start fucking one the Stranger Things kids I want with the fucking teeth yeah yeah but you know what's funny is like he's got his teeth fixed

now but she's probably like no that doesn't do it for me and just breaks his teeth again like you can eat my you can lick my clip bear with a little gaff

she's a gangman with all the kids apart from 11 she's not allowed unless she shaved the head what we're talking about So, yeah, so they cast, she's directing it. Jamie Doran is Mr. Gray.

Okay. And Anastasia is the girl in film. Okay. We'll call her Anna. For Anna, right, okay. Time's sake. Yeah. We won't have, we won't call her Bill Gates by accident.

Steve Jones. Get some title. So Steve Gray, I mean, Christian Gates. Okay. In the, actually, the book, is the character a British guy? The Mr. Gray or is the American? American. It's all American.

They're all American. In our follow-up book, The Mr. It's about English people. Okay. We'll get that another time. All right, right, right. Okay. So, universal pictures and focus films

presents 50 Shades of Grey. Right. Gets your attention straight away. You're really going from the very beginning. Well, I mean, these companies work hard, okay? They make movies. They deserve a bit of recognition. And they cover up sex abuse cases, okay?

They're hard at it. It's 24-7. So, we see the two characters. Christian Gray is rich. And he's choosing which diamond watch to wear. Which fancy suit to wear, okay? He's got it all. Then we see Anna, and she's like,

Oh, no, where's me jumper? She's falling over a place. She's singing that song, Where's my jumpers? She's a big fan of Southern Japan. Where's me jumper? Where's me jumper? Where's me jumper? Pestro, put it to the tester.

sorry no no so she's trying to get ready she's like oh no she's got cornflakes in her hair she's like stumbling over the place you know she's like a real mess yeah you know chalk and cheese she's a real okay yeah she's poor you know yeah so you're going like oh dills never get to get her never i've never see that happen if if she if they get together i'm gonna spit coffee all over some random woman in cinema i'm gonna spit i'm gonna sneak some hot coffee in the cinema and there's throat as a woman's face because I'm so shocked by the power of love

Okay, so we see the Christian Gray's big building He's a millionaire He's got a big building And then Anna drives up in her little shit car And they never come back to this, okay, it's so weird She parks just outside the building

On a busy street Right, right At the door It's like in New York or somewhere Yeah, yeah She gets out, there's no ballet So I assume she leaves it She's left the caradere

Okay It's bad continuity there But also like Now if they came back afterwards And be towed away That would make sense And that would be like Oh Anna

You stupid bitch Oh I was going to see silly sausage Oh okay Same basic thing Same thing, yeah Stupid bitch sausage Sasha's one you know it Yeah

Yeah It'll get a car towed Then be more on her side then Yeah She can't get anything right But no it never comes back So she walks to the office All right

And she has to interview Christian Gray For her college newspaper She's a college student Yeah Yeah yeah Oh okay Yeah she's young

Young and fresh Oh Yeah Just how Christian likes it Christian Gray That's his name Yeah Christian Gray

okay so she walks in and she immediately just like I don't understand the way it's shot she's opening the door to his office they're like okay it's right in there mr. great like oh thank you she's opening the door next scene she's fallen into the office like whoa oh right yeah hair flusters yeah oh no it's very like oh she's a mess kind of thing yeah yeah and he's like hello dear oh I wanted you get up a dem's all in distress eh oh you look young and naive about your parents live somewhere else and you're on the city on your own he's a business man he can figure these things yeah just but the way just like the way he looks

there is like you know like a I get an animal will look like a little deer or something like that you know like a tiger would look at a gazelle or something like that easy pickings yeah yeah so she just ruins this interview she's forgot just no pen okay okay she's like oh oh no he you know he gets a gives her pen yeah so she's real like flustered and he's very cool and swall and she knows nothing okay so she's literally like uh have you ever been to uh to college like yes i graduated from the college i'm actually speaking there after graduation and she's like oh oh okay i didn't know yes well i don't suspect you'll be there you're fucking idiot yeah yeah um so she asked him some dumb kind of questions

like and then he goes and rant about how i always like to be in control yeah yeah yeah yeah which you know oh I know all about it yeah it's it's foreshadowing yes yeah as I always liked control I don't like consent what yeah yeah yeah I was like little hints like that she's asking these weird questions like so I hear you thought you pretend you're like this guy who doesn't care if we do a lot of charity work maybe you really do care I like what you've only man like two minutes ago what do you mean you pretend you don't care like

yeah what does that even mean like yeah and her interviews just going through like were you adopted and he goes no okay okay cross that off the then she goes like are you gay

are you an IBM are you you heard for IBM that's from a previous episode oh it is you're right sorry yeah continuity so he says no I'm not gay and she easily puts the pen in her mouth. I start, it's like,

mm, like that. Please don't slobber on that pen. It's fairly expensive. That pen costs more than your life. So, like, they're having this really awkward interview where, like, there's no chemistry here at all. Okay. Ask, like, one stop, like, you know,

this question, and then answer the next question. And then the secretary comes in, it's like, oh, Mr. Gray, you got a meeting. Cancel it. this conversation is too riveting Oh, what? Are you serious? Yeah, yeah.

Oh my God. And then, listen to this, okay? She just immediately gets off for an internship. What? Did you what? At the company. They don't, she said, oh, thank you. You've really impressed me

showing up to an interview with no pain. You got a job for life here. In fact, I'm going to make you vice president of sucking my cock. You've been struck. right now Sharon Holt my calls thank you for the opportunity it won't let you down okay so like she goes oh thank you thank you and then she goes to the to the elevator right yeah and there's a door is closing she he goes Anastasia and she goes

Christian door closes she walks out the office and she's like oh like just breathing real heavy yeah okay she's going touching her heart touching her heart think it's because her fanny's so hot oh that's what it is i think she's just so attracted to this man yeah she forgot how her lungs were she's also really dumb so she probably like sometimes like forgets to breathe like yeah yeah when she gets horny she like the rest her body shuts down all the blood flows to her pussy yeah i'm pretty sure that's how it works aren't yeah so we see her down like back college on that she just can't stop thinking about like you know she's like sucking her pen again what do you just he and what age of she did they they don't re-specify

okay she's um what would you say 20 let's say 20 okay and he's 30 let's say 30's but you know they could switch her like she could very easy play 30 yeah they don't look yeah much different yeah I get you so she's thinking about non-stop okay and then even in college then she goes to work in the hardware store and then who she shows up Christian gray yeah just going like oh I have didn't know you were here oh I want to buy some uh hard well listen to this okay he's like buying some stuff alright

he buys cable ties masking taste tools I have to have my tools finish and rope okay

yeah yeah and there's a little bit of like oh you're buying lot of stuff yes there's so much charisma I'll pay cash and I want you to burn receive so like they're having this little bit like banter between okay but there's

no charisma or vibe okay and he's just like I'm actually going to a photo shoot come with me it's like okay it's just like there's a real like there's no kind of logic like this isn't how people would behave yeah world like yeah so they go the photo shoot and like another girl there maybe it's PA or someone's like you know he never brings girls to photo shoots oh okay which I guarantee he pays the PA to say that there. Every dumb bitch she brings back, you know? And that PA probably gets rid of the bodies afterwards.

She's got a whole system of like acid like just to burn the body. Yeah, yeah, she's got a real like Jeffrey Dahmer thing going. Keeps the head in the freezer. Yeah. So like you're walking back on a photo shoot and a bike. What did the photo shoot consists of? Is he a photographer? No, it's

standing, he's standing there. Oh, he's getting his picture taking. It's actually a little bit where he's frowning and the photographer's like smile and you frowns more he's a bad boy he doesn't listen to photographers so they're walking back from distal okay

she a bike kind of goes by her slightly and Christian Bray grabs her to be pulling away from her truck like oh my god it just immediately grabs her tints oh I'm savoring me from that bike so they're holding shut on the street and they're like

like breathing head and look like you're not fuck right there and again okay but then they're about the case and he goes you're not the girl from me I have to go and he lets go all right and

pushes are in front of a car yeah yeah that's why he's into I like control and decapitated corpses so Anna's all confused then she's like well this guy I'm getting mixed signals mixed messages and Anna's friend is like come on bitch let's go get laid

let's go to a night club and have fucking sex. Okay. Her friend's like the party animal. Right, okay. She's a blonde, you know? She's like, yo, let's do pills, yeah.

Like that. She's a blonde woman. Oh, right, yeah. That's that man. Yo. Yeah, let's get fucked up, man. She's the party animal, you know? Yeah.

I love been Scandinavia, man. Shit. God damn, my warm, blonde hair, blue-eyed, bitch. I'm gonna get fucked up tonight. Yeah, yeah. So they go to nightclub and they get drunk. Yeah. They're not even that drunk.

They show them like drinking like a little bit and going, whoa, a little bit dizzy. Yeah. And then Anna rings up Christian. He's like, I'm in a nightclub and I'm drunk. And he's like, you're drunk? Yeah, I'm coming to get you. And she's like, what? And it's hangs up.

And now what I forgot to mention is Anna's a friend. I forget his name, but he seems like a nice guy. Okay. Okay, right, right, right. And, actually, earlier on, Christopher, like, are you... See him anymore? Yeah, it's like, no, no. I just hang out with my male friend, okay?

He's just a friend. We're just friends. Yeah. He definitely wouldn't try and kiss me or anything. Yeah. So, then in the nightclub, okay, the male friend comes up, like, Anna, are you doing? He's like, oh, cool, nice to see it. My friend.

He's like, Anna, I really like you. And would it be too forward of me to... kiss you and she's like ah and as she's paused Christian shows up and goes get away from her my best get away

he's he like comes in and full on glasses on the throne I'm saving you it is the most unlikable thing I've ever seen this guy who's literally going to like

it's like he's like Hugh granting her yeah yeah he pushes him away and we never see that character again which might change he was probably

wanted Christian Pant to have him killed 100% yeah yeah yeah he's like no no

he calls he calls her he calls him a psycho Christian get away from her cycle and as he says

that all the duct tape falls out his pockets that's actually so funny but I know they didn't intend it to be funny but it's actually

hilarious But the thing is, it's so badly done. And the fact that's directed by a woman is confusing to me. Because if you wanted to make Christian any way likable, you would have had some asshole guy go like, Hey, Tuts, I like those sweet melons you got. And then Christian Gray, like, pushing away. That would have been like...

Yeah, like chivalrous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But one of the times you've seen her friend throughout the film is he's being a nice guy. He's like, yeah, like... Just being a nice, cool dude. So what they're kind of telling us in the film is, if you're nice, you're not going to get anywhere.

Okay. you gotta be a psychopath millionaire you gotta be a millionaire you gotta get rope okay have a lot of rope yeah women like rope yeah let that down yeah you're gonna book the game i just thinking that i'm not even messing yeah it's like um so it's little tips like you know nagging check to okay so nagging okay you gotta get the rope then you gotta get the rope get a lot of rope yeah you better know how to use it so she passes out and Christian Grae just takes her home to his house

Jesus Christ Okay Now they play this often like kind of like This is nice okay So she wakes up in his bed Okay And she's like

Oh what happened And he's like You passed out I brought you here And she's like Where did you sleep Like I slept in that bed The bed she's in

Oh okay And she's like Oh wow My head is killing me he's like you shouldn't be getting drunk really yeah yeah yeah you whore really he's just like telling her you can't get drunk

yeah no he's like he's very controlling jeez he said yeah and then how is he meant to be like the likable guy he's not the whole time I was thinking how nice to be just put a gun's mouth I'm talking Jimmy Doran here not in the car just put guns now make him suck it just fucking shoot in the back of the trouble

he's still alive like we can't breathe right yeah yeah you got very angry when you said that yeah yeah I just really hates his character okay I just get any better listen it's okay so she's vulnerable yeah naked in the bed which is naked yeah he undressed her he undressed her this is so rapy yeah yeah this is so raving oh she probably got raped let's be honest okay yeah okay you don't wake up after being unconscious that someone's bed with no clothes on it's like don't worry you're perfectly excited I would say this is actually harmful for women yeah idea

of like oh he's such a nice guy he undressed me and brought me home when I was past out and he wouldn't do anything bad to me so then real life it just happens like well i guess it worked out for anna like are you christian gray and you guys like you're whatever getting my van you're a millionaire yeah yeah that's right yeah yeah yeah get my toy o what got a honda civic so he's giving her his lecture about you should be getting drunk right if you get drunk whatever happens is your own fault it's basically that kind of vibe okay and then he takes off his shirt and says it's just a quote now

if you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit for a week what the fuck yeah what wow and then because she's been in the bed toast

during the scene okay he eats her toast out of her hand he goes and grabs it like this is a very unhinged man yeah

like if you you could do an interesting thing now or if you just put Joker makeup on him the movie works the exact same way you get what you fucking deserve yeah sorry okay

so it looks like you're gonna focus or something like that yeah and he's like I'm not going to touch you not till I have your written consent your written consent sign this document he just sounds like Dennis Reynolds

for what's always son yeah it really does like it's all like if it was playing as a comedy I'd find it quite funny but what's so funny is Dennis predates this Dennis does yeah oh fuck yeah it's comes before this that's true yeah which makes it even worse because if this is just a woman who like wrote this and then realize how kind of harmful it was and then Dennis came out like oh okay yeah oh god because I imagine this must have went through a number of publisher or stuff like that or like people

the manuscript would have been read someone there must have gone like this is kind of like Dennis from it's always something or even just even more general this is kind of creepy it's very creepy

it's very like rapey and weird and yeah I don't know it's weird I guess when you're handsome and rich it doesn't find so this is okay

he's like I'm not going to kiss you until I get your consent and then he goes like fuck the paperwork and then this kisses her as if that's some grand romantic gesture

This is paperwork that you have insisted on. Yeah, no, I normally make women sign NDAs, but with you, I'm going to take the risk. The biggest NDA of all, I'm going to kill you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, actually, speaking of NDAs, okay? So they go on a date, all right?

It's a helicopter date. And it's this big, long scene of them flying around the city, which they never really specify, I assume it's New York. Okay. I'm not great at geography when it comes to American cities. And this played a song, Touch me if you do, uh, touch me if you know that song? No. You also know, no, touch me like you do.

Oh yeah. Touch me like you do. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that song was written for the movie. Oh, really? So they play the whole song. Oh, God. Oh, them just flying around and going like, oh, like pointing the things.

Oh, it's the top of a building. Oh, and somebody's jumping off it. Oh, how romantic. Yay. Yeah. Look, another building. Oh, he's jumping. there's a real mental health crisis in New York isn't there

time to fly away from this dance me like you do so then he brings her to his place to sign his NDA okay yeah his NDA non-disclosure agreement in case you guys aren't in the know yeah if you fucking let me tell you guys if you're a man in 2019

get used to NDAs if you want a career so you go do it yeah NDAs and pre-nups, baby, that's what it's all about. Women actually make me sign NDAs, like, please don't tell anyone I ever. Yeah, and they're right to do it. Oh, yeah, yeah, like, they kind of come out,

like the opposite to me too. He did not fuck me. She has a press conference. He didn't touch me, he didn't act inappropriate to me at all. He was a complete gentleman. It's all lies, I tell you. I swear it. I grab their tits, I swear.

I do an interview with Newsnight. I sweat profusely all the time. Also because of the Falklands War. I watched a documentary. It was very unnerving. Remember a big peep show, it's like Falklands War. Kill many black babies. In the Falklands?

So, yeah. So they're signed the NDA. and she's like, after this, can we make love? He says, I don't make love. I fuck. Yeah. Hard. Oh, he said, I don't know.

Yeah. It was romantic until he said hard. Kind of cheapens it. Yeah. Which, the whole film has a real kind of like, I'd like to know this, the woman who wrote with her, like, religious history has an idea of it. It's kind of like if a Mormon person trying to write kinky stuff. Really?

It kind of comes off like, like, like, imagine. your mother was trying to be sexy oh wait a look good jeez calm down calm down you uh you ignited this fire baby not my not my fault if the flames burn touch me like you do i'm a dick on a helicopter ride around mona you're fucked up oh yeah so um they've signed the NDA now So it's time for some fucking sex. Oh, yeah. The paperwork's files. There's them a lawyer there stamped it.

And no, they're... Oh, they're Johnny don't fit. You must have quit. So he brings her into his red room. His red room? Yeah. Wow. That's where all he's got all the whips.

Red room? Red ram. Red ram. Red ram. He's going to kill it. That's the... What's the name the kid? Danny.

Torrance. Danning's having visions of Red Room. Why is it, Danish? Bad production design in a terrible script. Okay. And the Red Room even, it's got a few whips, and like, there's nothing crazy in there. Okay. What were you hoping for? I don't know, like, a Mongolite gimp just stabbing himself.

Yeah. So get you off, you sick, whore. It would be funny if there was to some guy, like some gimp in the corner that he just feeds like wet bread like a duck but they never address it really like the tree like as a dog like oh I don't know right so they're in the red road yeah they're talking about what they're gonna do and guess what he's like what do you like you know I don't know would like blow jobs I don't know do like missionary I don't know have you done missionary

oh is she a virgin yeah oh shit okay oh she's a virgin yeah and she's like oh yeah and then they fuck bow bow well they fuck and they play like some like I kept looking this film because it was in a different like it's directed by a woman

but if you it doesn't feel like that at all even the sex scene it's not like in any way sexy it's kind of slow your power yeah those sex scenes are for women yeah yeah you can tell like there's like mood lighting and it's like very kind of taste yeah and it's slow

and the show the man's ass and it's very sensual and you see like the woman's like mouth when she's orgasming and the woman watching me like ooh oh my cussie you know like that but this like just a big there's no black people in the sex scenes no that's my big problem that's yeah that's all I want to see ghosts just railing some girl out

how great it'd be if just just like so he's about to fucking ghost shows off like get out of here or like they just spliced in sex scenes from power and didn't even address it just oh I'm gonna bang you now it's just big black co

no Christian Gray he's sexy in this film allegedly okay okay but if he was in power he'd be like the nerdy white guy yeah you can't muscle it on my business Mr Ghost and I'm like Mr. Ghost yeah excuse me Mr. Ghost I'm Christian Gray

and I like control and he gets pistol whipped guy white like you make some sign an NDA all right so yeah they're banging

yeah but it's boring sex it's like it's like it's not like ACDC or something like fun you know okay right

that's what you're like yeah it doesn't make the sex scene is boring okay in fact I'll say this for a lot of it a lot of things here I'm actually skipping over a lot of sex scenes as we go on

Because they are boring and they go on for a long time. Okay, okay. We're like, I'll just check on my phone for a while. I was like, it's still going? Yeah, it's still happening. Ah, okay. Yeah. So after the sex, next morning.

Oh, no, actually, no, like she wakes up in the middle of the night and he's playing piano. Oh, he looks sad. Ooh, what troubled man. And then she kissed him and then he picks her up and then they have sex again. Okay. And is it just regular sex or is it like? Missionary. So no.

I thought that it was all mad kinky and stuff. No. Is that even coming later? I don't even think they kiss. Oh. I think he's just missionary direct eye contact. Seeing a Hail Mary. It's not even, it's not even like, I'm not sure.

I don't even think they even show him licking her out or anything. Really? Or even a blowjob or anything. It's just. Missionary. Okay. No doggy style. So it's, yeah.

I always was told that these, like, the pure filth or whatever. No. No? you watch the secretary yeah that builds up sexual attention yeah oh this is sexy that's uh james spader and maggie joan where an erotic trailer like that taps into a little bit you're like oh i'm finding this kind of awry i didn't realize it but when this feels like some of the sexy sounds you're watching like an educational film like the man puts it in the woman okay they have sex right okay they do not enjoy it because they're a christian she gets pregnant okay

off this one no that's like the educational film they have she gets pregnant they never have sex again all right yeah back to the movie okay uh I just wrote here she's got nice little tits she doesn't sit down without oh well yeah um she's so happy in the morning she makes him breakfast oh that's nice have you ever well yeah love to a girl so so well she made you breakfast the morning well yeah but I was like going out with a girl really years so like that would be nice they were well it's just a it's not like

I'm gonna make your breath it's like oh let's make some breakfast I get there like oh no I need to lick out a girl for at least half an hour before I even get a cup of tea

I should have had the tea first I'm trying to drink it as I'm licking around I'm just getting at scolding or like yeah so then they're just having sex they try a little bit of bondage

but even the bondage like he just ties her arms like above her head yeah it's pretty statt that's like boring I mean that's stuff even the Pope does that I mean like it's so

I've never actually been able last few times I've kind of like been having sex all to be in beds that don't have like railings so there's nowhere to tie the woman's arms then you have to bring your own like kitchen post

or to the radiator like boy shows you just leave her there for days on end and beat her yeah I actually never really tied up a girl with handcuffs or anything we've done that but only have their request yeah yeah um it's not as much fun when they own the handcuffs I'm like well I can't get anything out of this oh I prefer like a police issue there's there's no escape you know they try oh yeah but it's part of a scene you mean it

oh yes yes I don't know we're going off the rails yeah yeah let me just find out where it was I got a bit lost because I drank some coffee there okay so they're they're trying a bit of bondage yeah oh yeah so the tie is our toy he ties her arms okay yeah they're about to get up get hot and heavy again right then we hear like Christian hello he's like oh it's my mama oh what yeah she live with him or she just hangs out sometimes yeah okay it's like oh no so he has the run out like mother what's going on while they're banging yeah but he doesn't hide it all he comes in like you know putting his belt back on like yo what's going on here yeah yeah i'm just uh

slam an ass back there i'm gonna happen this bitch and then she comes up she comes out as well like just on up like tiner shirt so it's pretty obvious what they're doing they're like oh hello what's i never meet any christian's girlfriends before you know like that who plays the mother actually is it anybody you know okay that's so abrupt yeah don't know or don't want it yeah okay so i'm like oh the mother's here what's gonna happen she just leaves okay so there's no like dramatic tension or all's like who are you you slack yeah i was like you know even that would be a bit cliche but like even like a talk even just a dialogue scene between them would have been nice like hello i'm the mother you'll see me later on the

film. Bye. Yeah. So they're walking down in the park where I were like, and she's like, ooh, I tell you, your mother seems nice. He's like, yes, yes, she does. She's a very nice woman. And she's like, so how did you become big into BDSM and stuff like that? And he says that when he was 15, he had an affair with mother's friend and he became her sex slave for seven years. Jesus Christ. He was dismissive. and that's where he learned to love BDSM and he and this like him telling her like you realize that giving up control is the best feeling in the world oh my god yeah that's really fucked up so he was molested as a child yeah that's what she goes like so you

were molested he's like no we're still friends I bang her on the reg yeah Jesus Christ that's that took a turn I wasn't expecting that yeah oh she changed the my attitude and she's like oh he got molested he's even sexier now which i'm just saying like no we've all been molested it's not yeah see how far you got the old tinder profile with that i were bummed from the age of nine and i bloody loved it all right now fucking touch it you slagg no i won't get you far that's some coal miner oh yeah he says okay by giving up control

I felt free okay wow this is really like normalizing sexual abuse yeah but by being sexually abused

I felt free wow doesn't it feel like it's written by a guy you were trying to trick a girl it's like Roman Polanski's last film yeah no you like

I feel like it's some asshole guy Rowan and gave to his girlfriend like he pretended like to be EL James Yeah, yeah. And they wrote a book, Hey, this woman's written this book,

you should read it and learn a thing or two from it. You'll notice I actually named the character Anna as well because you're probably too dumb to understand.

Okay, so they go, she's going to, he makes her sign a submissive contract. A submissive contract? Yeah, so a contract

on how to be a submissive for him. Oh, wow. Yeah, so it's like, are these a real thing? Probably, yeah. It's like a second. sex contract sexy contract okay so in the contract all right yeah the

submissive can't take alcohol or drugs and has to eat only approved foods what okay yeah she and she also has to exercise a certain amount every day she has to come over whenever the master wants Jesus Christ why is she doing this because that's how you feel free oh yeah by being controlled remember but by being controlled by a man is the only way he can be happy. There is a really, this is a really fucked up undercurrent to this whole film.

How does nobody, like, why is this so popular with women? I don't know. Well, I think I know, but I'm not going to say it. Oh, gee. Well, I don't know. I just like think, this is very problematic. Well, I will say it. Well, I will say it. You know where women have rape fantasies? Yeah, they do. I think there's a kind of like, there's a control fantasy

as well, it's like, the idea of an asshole controlling you is nice and fantasy. Yeah, but it's, I don't know. it's just well it's not particularly well done but it's also the fact that it's out there it's kind of problematic it sends a mixed message i think like women can have rape fantasies and that's okay but as long as it's you know just a fantasy and they're not actually like putting themselves in you know situation you know like does this send the message to younger women that's like oh yeah put yourself in a dangerous situation because you'll love it really yeah

do you know what i mean is it kind of dangerous it's like a roller coaster you're not in real danger it's like Space Mountain You can take a picture afterwards You'll be taking plenty of pictures I'll tell you that Pictures is a crime scene But I don't know whatever It's just very strange

That nobody has ever like Has anybody shed a light on this And said maybe this is problematic This book or film But the thing is I tell you why Because written by woman Directed by woman Okay

All right Well I will say Just a little bit of spoiler You know the friend he talks about That was molesting him when he was a kid yes she comes into i think the second or third film oh really it's a little teaser there yeah that's the only part i'll watch yeah well i don't flashback i don't think okay and it's a dude probably young year old yeah anyway so she so they go to the paperwork

yeah a lot of paperwork it did oh it's like sex scenes paperwork uh and and just basically rape yeah yeah so it's like an episode of boston legal remember that show well they're talking about Boston legal there's going through and she's like strike out anal fisting oh yeah he's like aw spoil sport yeah and then she's like

what are butt plugs and Christian Gray basically looks at the camera like can you leave it I want to prude yeah it's like the odd couple over here I'm going to draw a down the center of your asshole yeah so uh next we cut to her graduation okay and christian gray is given a speech eyes all right telling women too yeah yeah yeah

remember kids if a if a man makes you sign a contracts always do it you'll love it really never read the contract yeah fine print that's for suckers and there's these in particular everyone's bad in this film acting wise okay there's these two girls that i'm in particular are awful who are like like in the graduation audience like wow that mr christian gray sure is hot yeah he's a real hunk of a man and then anna's there like i hear he's gay and she's a smile like oh i know he's not because he rapes me he's not a fag because he rapes me he's not a funook yeah so then okay christian meets uh her dad okay yeah what's he got to say about all this funny if he showed her the con he shows him the contract because it has to get signed

by the father as well that's all in order uh i see you've taken out vaginal fisting uh is there a problem here anna i raised you right Oh, jeez. You raise you like your mother. Okay. So the next, no, guess what? It's her graduation. And Christian's like, I'm going to get a little presents.

Okay. Guess why he gets her? What is he get her? What? Yeah. Oh, shit. I'll sign a contract right now. God damn it.

Ean'll fist me all you want, Christian. And she refuses, but not like, like, like, no, I won't. She's like, oh, I couldn't possibly take a car. You know, because that's what... Someone gives you a car. You're not going to like... Yeah, that's true. It's like...

It's like when someone offers to pay for your breakfast roll. Yeah. You know they're going to make you sign a contract and rape you with that breakfast roll. Okay, that's not a good example. Sorry, I grew up in Monmouth, so... It's like when you go to a restaurant, someone offers to pay. Yeah. Or someone offers to get the next round.

You go like, oh, no, you can. Okay, yeah. Okay, yeah. But just for that little bit of disobedience there, a little bit like, oh, no, I couldn't. Yeah, it's just to be polite. disobeyed him so she he gets to spank her oh so uh he puts her on his knee and spanker two small gentle spanks is this happened this happens at his house oh not in front of the dad yeah in my minds are still at the graduation oh sorry i should mention that yeah on stage i'm not you bitch

oh she's still wearing her hat like to play the graduations yeah actually this is kind of like this is really bad now okay well um there's a video on porn hub of a girl doing porn what yeah it's very surprising yeah i'm gonna report but they actually have footage of a graduation at the start of a real graduation first yeah yeah that's a very niche so shot yeah graduation horse and you can tell it's a real graduation because it's a huge event okay it's no way porn hub have hired all these extras like it's been her her. Oh my God.

And does it show her getting her like... Her diploma walking off and next scene uh-huh oh

and so some guys in school a hot knack baby I'm sure some guys like

this is what I want that's the only way you can come for years he's been Googling graduation diploma

acceptance how did you go across this no pun intended real actually because that

the still image of the video was a girl I got to see what this is all about that's hilarious I'm definitely going to look for that I'll try and find it for you yeah yeah we can watch it together beautiful little girl as well woman woman yeah yeah little nice tithes on her yeah yeah jump around for daddy graduate this kid yeah um so next uh

so he's spanking her a bit yeah but again not sexy really it's just like it's like it's like eh dear yeah you're all spanked out now aren't you

okay so next to have dinner with his family Christian Gray's family okay and it's kind of there um you was actually weird

just looking back on it we never see the family again so we see I think like his cousins and sisters stuff like that oh so it's like a father yeah yeah yeah it's a big wealthy family

okay succession like you know yeah yeah yeah and uh they go like hello everyone the next thing next scene to go into the garden fuck oh okay who's the entire family now we shall adjourn to the garden it's tradition do you know what was the movie watched are ready or not ready or not yeah but instead of um chasing around my gun just fuck her it's tradition okay so that's we never see the family again okay yeah At this stage, the film is falling apart. Yeah.

I'm also looking, we're near the end here. Yeah. And it's like, what has happened or what's even about? Yeah. And, oh yeah, yeah. Turns out he actually was adopted. Oh. Yeah.

Turns out his real mother was, in his term, in his words, a crack addict homeless woman. Okay. Yeah, so we're finding more about them. Maybe this comes back in the other films. Oh, okay. Maybe not. How great a twist would it be if, okay, his real mother cleaned up her act, okay, and then met up with his mother, okay, they became friends.

And then at the age of 15, she was like, I've got to teach my son. Oh, wow. And then she fucks him and did he crack together. That would be a great twist. That would be, yeah. Now, if that was a twist, where it turns out he fucked his own mother, he'd be like, oh now I see why it's sexy but there's no way to do this now I see yeah so again like find out with mother the crack addict she's like oh find out that makes even more

sexy somehow we've all got crack addict mother is okay yeah so Anna oh here's another thing as well during dinner party for I've mentioned during dinner party Anna's like oh I'm going to Georgia to see my mother because they're divorced her mother and father okay he's like you're going to Georgia without my permission oh really like yes that's why they're fucking the garden oh he goes and teaches her a lesson yeah in the garden yeah okay so now she's in Georgia with mother and uh they're talking about Christian stuff like that and her mother's having to drink okay and she's like oh I can't drink she's like the mother's like go on I have one have a martini's like

okay she's a little sip she's a phone call are you drinking you bitch Oh, how? How is that by the way? No, this is okay. It's a phone call. Oh, it's Christian. He's here. And he shows up.

Are you serious? Yeah, he's in the hotel. This guy is a fucking cyclopath. This is demented. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, oh, you. The fact that you've stalked me makes you even more sexy. Oh, Jesus Christ.

And the mother, okay. And his mother's is like, oh, I'll leave you two alone. What a haughty. oh mom hey where do i sign oh does it continue it's a running joke every time a woman anyway sees christian gray like humana humana i like to slap that ass and make his dick hard and make it ejaculate all over my face yeah oh if you know what i mean if you catch the tail of my drift what look it uh so he's like leave your mother now we're going to fly a plane so they fly a little private plane around and again it's basically a music video

oh really yeah that's why it feels so cheap there's a whole scenes of like uh oh i know let's just have them fly around and play like a three minutes and it feels like going like okay that'll take like three minutes yeah perfect yeah yeah so then they fly around again it's like oh oh cool oh clouds oh no clouds oh building oh that guy's jumping off oh oh I'm kind of desensitized to it now. We find out they have more sex. There's lots more sex now. The plot is kind of winding down now. It's just loads of sex.

We find out her safe word is black and yellow. Black and yellow. Like the song? Black and yellow, black and yellow. Oh, yeah, that'd be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Who is that again?

Don't know. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. They play more, they play this time another sex scene they play church music

over it huh yeah now this is the last scene now okay this is the bit doesn't make any sense

okay so Anna is fully in love with Christian okay and she's like she says this I want to see

the worst I want to see the worst thing ever take me to the nasties okay I like that what's the nasties that's

she shouldn't say that okay she wants to see like how bad can how rough can you take how rough can you do fuck me what's the most kinkiest dirtiest fucking uh messed up thing you can do to me christian he's like oh yeah so he takes out a cat and nine tails okay okay it's like a whip yeah yeah yeah and he goes like i'm going to whip you six oh wait a i'm going to whip you six times and you're going to count with me. Whip.

One? Whip. Two. And it goes up to six. Yeah, yeah. That's it? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck?

What are you talking about? And they build up, like, I want to see the worst. What's the most kinkiest? I was expecting, like, a decapitated child or something. Yeah. Yeah, it's anything. Bohemian Grove, you know, the Franklin cover. I suspect some reason Nixon shows up.

I am not a crook. yeah okay all right so she gets whipped six times all right right on the ass and then after she's like I don't like didn't like that at all I don't like the man you've become it's like what yeah he's like stalked her and like kidnapped her but just a little bit of a whip and she's like you're a monster yeah so she decides she wants to break up with him all right that breaks the contract well oh yeah if he was a county

could have brought it up no she'd break up with him oh really yeah yeah and he's like all right yeah what about the contract bitch none of that shit was real I don't think the contract says he can't break up with me

okay I don't think that it's not that bad of contract I mean I'm sure I mean I'm just saying you want to put that in the contract I mean considering we know did like I've got to control what you eat and drink and where you go was like

wouldn't he have that like well Christians learned his lesson for next time yeah

the next one is going about in big bold right you cannot leave me okay

and there's a funny little scene so like they break up and then meet up again like

the next day or some just like you know get their belongs yeah and she's like um

he's kind of like you know I already sold the car so the car he gave her he sold it okay and she's like

I want the money for it's like fine then what yeah okay so they're broken up now and they have a montage of all their happy scenes together in case the audience are too fucking dumb which they probably remember it's like an hour and a half

filmed like do why are they sad were they dating were they what do they have sex did they what's going on well do you remember when they were an helicopter flying round that would brilliant so we see a montage of them in the helicopter them in the plane oh yeah yeah okay so and she goes like to her apartment she's all cry like oh no yeah i'm sad okay and he's in the boardroom and he's sitting there listening some meeting and he's like hmm then he smiles and stands up the end okay well i assume that's the end people who knows them because there's like three books and three movies so i assume that like leads into like Does it?

I don't know. I assume, I mean, what is the smiling and standing up the end? Yeah.

To me, that signifies that he's going to go get her and win her back or whatever, right? No?

He's off to get more rope. I need more rope. That's what the problem was. That's why she left. We're going to need more rope. I didn't whip her hard enough. Yeah. So that's the film.

A very anticlimactic ending. Sounds like a big piece of shit. I'll tell you what. It actually is the prize. me that. Really? The fact I ended there. Okay.

Was it kind of like a relief though? It was like, oh, thank God. You know what? I felt like, um, the other way of something if you be in class, it's meant to be a double class, all right? Yeah. Electric goes like, you know what? You can leave.

And you're like, oh, nice. That's what I felt like. It was like, oh, shit, I got, I got to watch them get back together. I don't. Oh, this is great. I started skipping around the place. Are you going to watch the other two? I'll watch it for this podcast, yes.

Okay, I think I'll watch, I'll watch, I'll watch the second ones. Oh, let that be fun, yeah. I'll watch the second one. Yeah. Well, I might be confused. What is going on? Well, I think I caught you up there. No, yeah, I think, yeah, it was a very detailed analysis.

Yeah. You didn't sell it, though. It doesn't sound good. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed hearing about it, but I didn't enjoy it the way the filmmakers would have intended it, you know what I mean? Well, my only fear is that the first film was interesting talking about. about because they're setting it up yeah I feel like the next two films might just be like

hmm I love you I do helicopter rides and banging although apparently does get a little bit more like there's more intrigue to it okay because I think like someone's trying to kill Christian Gray in next one oh okay I think someone's put a hit out on him okay yeah he's too sexy we got kill him you know how it is in the world of finance that's that what he does he's like been to finance. I don't even care. Don't go into it. I don't care. Because the audience wouldn't understand that.

They could say finance week. What's that? Is that something to do we choose, is it? Ah, that. Well, this has been a very fun podcast now. Yeah, I enjoyed that. That was good. Yeah.

All right. What movies we'd like to do next? God, I don't know. Tell me a movie to do and I'll watch it in the next week. Well, remember we talked about, Battlefield Earth Remember that that Scientology movie? Did you actually watch

The Shining in the end? Yeah You can talk about the Shining. Okay I love talking about the Shining. Maybe the next episode will be a Shining after you. Yeah, yeah, but like

we do movies that were like, ah shit, but I love the Shining. We did the Irish man. That's true. We could have a lot of fun with that. Yeah, okay, the Shining. All right, yeah, we've watched Shining.

Did you ever see Room 237 as well? I've seen bits of it. Yeah, yeah. So we can talk about that. Yeah, well, it'd be funny. It's no, what's it called again, Room 237? 237, okay.

that's all about the conspiracy theories the hidden meaning of the shining imagine they did a documentary like that for a few shades of grey where it's like really dumb stuff like when they're having sex there that means they're having sex I could be killed for telling you that

and when Christian grey whips her she likes it oh I'm thinking like that's a metaphor for you know Israel I don't have to look up He's taking Anna's land Her vagina is the whole

The promised lad Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah It's gonna wreck it I'm gonna nuke your fadge It's gonna be full of dead Palestinians I'm gonna build a little of sediments on your tits if you know what I mean Just not on the UN

You can do to stop me Oh That's the idea I like that now Alright Alright guys It's been fun That was episode number 50

50 Yeah Next up 100 Wow