Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 52 : Fiddy Shades Darker

Episode Date: December 4, 2019

Brian and James talk about ladies getting fingered in elevators.

sitting down. Hello, everyone. This is crazy. Hello. Hello. Welcome to the show, everybody. What episode is this? 52, I believe.

52? Yeah. Oh, wow. 52. So, hi, everybody. This is our 52nd episode. Yes. This is our post, no, pre.

What's it, pre-op? Post-up. This is our pre-op. This pre-show, pre-live show. Pre-live show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This will be the last time we ever record is two people that have never done a live podcast.

This is our final, like, few minutes of anonymity, you know? We are, this is Hitler's bunker. No, I think it's more like, you know, in next few hours, we won't be able to walk on the street anymore. Oh, it's going to be like the Beatles. When we do our first live show, it was rocket from the next stop, the Ed Sullivan show. This is going to be non-stop fame. I'm kind of scared.

I'm not ready for it, and we won't handle it well. That's the thing. No. It'll be dead, no. week. But what a week it'll be? So we're going to do a live show on the workmen's tonight. Yeah. Are you excited? I'm very excited. Are you nervous? I'm a little bit nervous. Yeah, I'm going to be, it's going to be interesting to see how our dynamic changes in front of a room full of judgmental people. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I think it can only get better. We need a bit of judgment. It has to get better.

Yeah, yeah. So how are you feeling? I'm good, man. Yeah, yeah, nervous, but good, good nervous. It's interesting. you know if it's a success we could do more of them oh yeah but this all depends on you the faithful listeners to come out and support us it's up to you really yeah our lives are in your hands if you don't come to the show tonight we're both dead yeah by your own hands and then it'll be a couple of prison guards that take the rap first um yeah so i'm feeling good i'm kind of excited for a show i got a bit of bad news i haven't told you about oh yeah so um i applied for a job in guinness oh in a storehouse didn't get it didn't get it yeah i'm a bit disappointed about that that's a shame now yeah because remember you were telling me

you're feeling good about the i was feeling good well learned my lesson don't feel good about things no i felt confident yeah i was like i nailed it there it's all i did as best as i could turns out wasn't enough no no that was you were like it's all going to turn around now yeah this is going to be the thing that saves me i had a glimpse of what life could have been in the Guinness Star Eyes and then faded away yeah it would have been so good I would have been a tour guide it would have went around it would have it would have been like willie wonka's chocolate factory but instead of umpalumpus it's just alcoholics with jaundice they still have the yellow faces I couldn't even get that now I'm back with my grandparents oh four of them in one

bed and they make you sleep in the middle oh it all smit it smells like piss that's just you yeah i'm a bit annoyed about that to be honest now i kind of ruined my day it was uh you only found out today was it yeah yeah well i've got an idea for a prank oh little prank don't get mad get even yeah a little prank for the ginnis storehouse i won't say what it is but let's just say I'm gonna bring in a gun and uh shoot the staff wink wait if you know what I mean if you catch my drift oh I don't think you got the code I was thinking

to be funny though if I'm actually going with a gun to a Guinness storehouse okay and I'm shooting people you know

I'm shooting staff and civilians all like bamabababang bang bang bang bang bang bang but I'm still in tour guide

mode so as I'm shooting and I'm still giving me little fax with the building you know like bang bang bang bang bang

bang and here you see the lease that is signed by after Guinness himself and bang bang bang

bang bang going grenade oh fuck it's like a woman with no legs that's what you get no more walking tour for you bitch yeah that'd be good now uh so it was for college though wasn't it

it was like a work experience thing it was it was placement yeah placement it would have been a paid placement no it's very excited oh yeah i never got paid in mine but anyway where was your placement i did mine in uh northern sound it's like a local radio station in monaghan well that sounds fun it was yeah it was all right i made little like kind of five minute uh like every friday to be like a lunchtime show and they made me do like a five little five minute segment on like a certain topic so like I did one about um how there's still a lot of a drug abuse in Monhen but it's legal highs like it's called clockwork orange and apparently if you smoke it it just like induces psychosis straight away what's clockwork orange it's like a herbal synthetic uh cannabinoids essentially

so like they've been manufactured like with chemicals they're not like uh plant plant base or whatever but you smoke it and it just fucking blows the head of you like i suppose i used to smoke a good bit of that shit back in the day but now it's like the the chemical formula has changed and it's even more potent and there's been a lot of like cases of like drug-induced psychosis and suicides and stuff linked to this shit so i did uh and i was all paid dirt for old cat and you know i was really capitalizing on the misery of the monaun people that's great for you yeah do a documentary about it you know the audio documentary but you're also taking it

the whole time yeah and then when you come down there was no radio station at all it was all in my mind that's cool

that's a bit of like investigative journalism yeah I was I was like Louis Theroux you hear it on the radio sometimes in the mornings I have a guy

like go out and kind of talk people about stuff yeah do you understand anything that's going on of course you don't you're bloody shit muncher

that's basically yeah so it's big thing like oh England's going to leave the EU the EU let's go to Monaghan

and ask some people and people like what what's that I just think it'd be funny if you paid a little prank on the radio station like what go in with a gun yes

that was my it would be over there's only like five people of work there it'd be over in 30 seconds and then I'd just be like bored for the rest of the day no it's like you in the office and you kill everyone's like oh well you got to keep the show going and you start

you know, put on the music. This just in, a sexy maniac murders the entire people in the Mononghan radio station. And then you press the toilet noise. The plush. And then I got some porn star in to sit on like a simian and she starts like, what is it when they do?

They squirt. They're sexy juices. Oh, I know all about it. Oh, yes. I've seen tutorials. Speaking of squirting, we're going to talk about 50 shades darker in a minute or two. That's a little preview.

You couldn't help yourself but watch the sequel. couldn't actually you are compelled yeah well for the live show i thought we could talk about this we can't think of anything else so i watched it and uh it's way worse than the first one yeah you were saying yeah it's um i heard that from a lot of people though that the sequels or just they got worse and worse as they went on it doesn't feel like a movie what does it feel like um an assault on my eyes and ear cavity i don't know what it feels like well what made this one even kind of bearably interesting was I watched a pirated version of it So it was one that'd be filmed in the cinema

So you could hear like a baby crying That's the only version you could find The first one I found I was like this is the best one going to find It was that or like Blu-ray quality And I was like no I want the one with the baby The crying baby

And every now when the kiss or anything you hear like Ooh Like you know a sitcom we have like a two people kiss Yeah and all the crowd goes Woo Yeah In a sitcom in the 80s It was two white people, and it was interracial.

Just dead silence. You hear crying, but it's not a baby. It's Chuck Lorre. Who's that? That's the guy who made two and a half men in Big Bang Theory. Oh, yeah. Chuck Laurie. Yeah, Laurie, yeah.

Talked Lorre was some kind of like white supremacist guy. Yeah, maybe he is. That's what, who did Woody Harrelson play in that movie, the pornographer? Oh, Larry Flint. Yeah, that's what Larry Flint got. killed. Did he got crippled? By white supremacists?

Yeah, because he printed pictures of, I think it was like a black guy I'm a sex of white lady or a white guy I'm sex with a black lady. Yeah, and then the white guy was the white supremacist. Like, oh, God, I gotta kill him. Jesus, I didn't know. So, wow. I never actually seen the movie, though. It's a good movie.

Yeah, for good things. I think it's written by the same guys who did, Ed Wood and Dolomite is my name. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's too Jewish. brothers and they like to write about guys who um what had a singular vision you could say yeah yeah very unique in their uh yeah yeah two of them made movies and one made a porn magazine yes well the porn magazine he played hustler was that him hustler yeah yeah now that was very successful whereas

the guy who played dolomite and ed wood were both notoriously on the well no i guess dolomite the guy who played dolomite became like successful in the sort of underground but ed wood like he's considered one of the worst filmmakers of all time well dolomite uh what was his name again the guy who i don't i don't well edy murphy's character yeah he went on to make another three films really and he had more stand-up albums and yeah he definitely got a career i yeah he kept going yeah whereas ed wood was like addicted i think near the end he was like homeless or like close to homeless and sad and depressed and just addicted the pills and stuff like that yeah yeah and i think larry flins still live is it yeah oh wow fair place

to the wheeling around the place. Yeah. He's very disabled. Too disabled. Is that what you're saying, bro? I mean, like, a fair play to him, but, like, you know, his... He's been disabled for a long time, so his body's kind of whittered a bit, I think. Okay, right.

I think he's still, like... Banging chicks? Well, they kind of rub his tits on his face. Oh. No, they rub their tits in his face, not his tits. A fair pay to him. So 50 shades of darker, then? Yeah.

stitch it darker we'll go through the plot of this all right alright okay so we start off like it's like a horror movie flashbacks oh to christian gray's childhood oh yeah christian gray he's in bed he's kind of going oh oh oh oh like that like having bad dreams yeah and in the dreams we're like no no like bad things happening you know we don't know exactly what's going on because it's cutting really fast okay but you can so what they're saying that he got uh well no he got molested at 15 we find oh yeah well that was they really revealed that in the first film yeah yeah he got molested 15 i think this is more like was crack addict mother oh which we go into more detail she's a crack addict yeah oh good i didn't remember that pretty cool ma why can't be more like christian gray's mother

okay so we have to flashbacks cut and then credits uh the words 50 shades of gray. Okay. And we're like, oh, the movie's starting. That's when a baby starts crying. Yeah. Yeah. In cinema. And it's a very distressed baby throughout the film. Why are they taking a baby to see this very sexual film? The baby's big Jamie Doran fan. Oh, I see. Which I was thinking would be funny because the only way Jamie Doran is from North Ireland. Yeah. It's funny if he kept his accent through the whole film. He does an American accent. He does. Yeah. Yeah. I assume during like New York, something like that. I'm a big city and he's like a billionaire, okay? And then we, we see, okay, so in the last film, they broke up.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Anna, you know, she's on her own now. Right. In the big city. And they've broken up, but she still gets flowers from Christian Gray. Okay. Every now and again. And the little card that says, don't fucking say anything.

No. Oh, sorry. Like, she's lonely, though. Okay. And, like, her friend's doing really good. She has a blonde friend. And she's on vacation where her handsome boyfriend, and she's doing great.

Living life. Yeah, and poor old Anna. She's just a poor, lonely girl in a massive apartment. In her penthouse suite. Yeah, yeah. It's like friends in a way or like, these people are living such good lives.

Yeah, yeah. And we have to kind of like, oh no, Joey didn't get the audition. Oh, it's okay. He's banging someone. So she's fine. So Anna goes to an art show, right, that her friend has put on.

I think the friend might be gay We don't really go into it too much He's a guy But there's no like chemistry or anything Okay So it's a bit weird She goes to the art show And on the walls

Are pictures of her Oh That's a red flag Yeah They don't like that Pictures of her all over the place Without her consent or permission No yeah

No telling you Women don't like that I'm pretty sure I can speak For most women Even like an art show And an art show An art gallery Yeah

And they hate even more When it's just like It's an art down but it's in your apartment and you give tours of it. It's just your shed and she's like, what we're doing here?

How did I get here? Like, it's an art show. No questions, please. Don't disrespect the arts. I'm like Andy Warhol. Okay, so she's like, they're not even good pictures. Like crappy black and white ones

that I could take. And she's like, oh, who would want these pictures? And the guy, the male friend's like, well, someone just bought all of them for like a million dollars. she's like who could it be enter christian gray yeah yeah the hero returns yeah okay and then and he's kind of like oh look i want to get back together yeah no rules this time look yeah we were playing it safe first time round

but now we're playing for keep baby yeah Jesus yeah no rules no rules so like this time she's allowed drink and stuff oh okay yeah because remember last time like she wasn't allowed drink and she wasn't allowed eat certain food and stuff like that. All right so now she can do whatever she wants. Yeah,

yeah, well that's very kind of him. Yeah, it's really good. Very progressive. I'm going to let you eat food if you want to. Yeah.

I'm a romantic. So they're having dinner now. She's still like on a little bit of fence like, hmm. I'm not sure if I should trust them. Should I let him back in my life? You know,

I just do I want to get hurt again? And I'm like, oh, I can relate, sister. And they have a little bit of comedy moment, actually, where they're talking. and the waiter is like a squeaky wine bottle Okay

It's like squeak squeak And then Christian Greg's looking at it like This guy just knew how to open the bottle of wine And I think he takes the bottle himself Like all do it and opens it I think that's kind of show Anna And then the waiter is taking out back and shot Mr Gray please

Same with that friend from the last movie All these people is getting shot in the background I'm like Okay and she's like He can open a bottle of wine hmm that's a plus he is the one yeah

yeah but she's still like hmm I don't know but then he tells her about his crack addict mother okay yeah it turns out she died

and he was with the body for three days right yeah with the body for three days yeah well just okay that's weird

where like in a morgue or something or where no in their crack house oh was this when he was like oh a kid oh I should have mentioned that oh right

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, so, all right, so he was in the crack house. He was like a little baby going, Mama, Mama, you want crack. Mama do the crack. Yeah. Mama can't handle her shit. Yeah. Mommy weak.

Yeah, so she dies from crack. Okay. All right, and then he's like, oh, no, he's a hugger hard enough, she'll come back to life. And she did it for three days. And didn't work. Yeah, and that's why he likes bondage. Ah, okay. And crack.

Yeah. That would be great if you went off the rails on crack. went full super hands okay and because this story they're back together okay so that was it that's all she needed to hear i must use that next time with chander woman what's your name my mother crack i'm just dead that's gonna be your tinder bio crack mother dead please touch it yeah that's gonna be you mean your mother was good crack oh no no no okay so they're back together now. Okay.

And no rules. He's going to be less controlling. Okay. All this stuff. He's going to be like a regular boyfriend, a regular relationship. You know what, Brian? I don't trust it. We're 10 minutes in.

Something fishy here? What's going on? 10 minutes in, I think this couple's going to work. I think these kids are going to go just right. Okay. So then we see Anna with her boss. Right. She's going for coffee with the boss, all right?

And he's like a literary agent or something like that. They work in a publishing company. Okay. Because, you know, what's sexier than, publishing yeah yeah words on a page that's that's what you want yeah yeah well the book was it's from a book so this is the way the offer is like let's make them think publish and sexy i haven't seen the third film okay but if it ends and i'm going like i think i'm going to write about my experiences oh and i'm going to call it hmm and then the title 50 shades of great

like that if that's how it ends fair play tom because that's original that's genius yeah yeah so So she's with coffee, she's getting coffee with the boss. Guess who shows up, Christian. Get away from her. You psycho? Coffee in the face. He doesn't go that far, but he's kind of like really like kind of trying to alpha him like, Oh, okay.

What's up, bro? What are you doing here? What's up, bro? The boss, he's not afraid. Because the boss is equally handsome. I would argue more handsome. Oh. Yeah.

Wow. So you're thinking like, oh, this is going to be like the love triangle. Yeah, yeah. No. No? No. We'll get, like, it doesn't really work out like that. Okay.

Yeah. so he's so like not used to someone alifying him a little bit like standing up to him just a little bit yeah you what he does but he's the publishing company oh damn now that's an alpha move i gotta give him props there yeah that's like a darn pimp move yeah so he just goes like i bought it now and she's like oh she's a little bit weirded out by yes yeah she's like oh i don't really want like the idea of you being my boss and he's like i'm not your boss i'm the boss of your boss she's like oh that's okay then. I have a 3pm appointment

to get my dicks up about you. And then they fuck. Oh, okay. And this is the first big fuck of the movie. Okay. And how was this? Because I remember in the first movie you were saying the sex scene was kind of boring and...

Well, I say in this one, they get the more interesting sex stuff later on. Okay. But for this first one, it's just some boring white people's sex. Ugh. Just a lot of crying and hugging. Oh, knitting. Yeah.

They're doing their taxes in between. white people say there's listen to maroon five and she will be loved I keep thinking I think you mentioned

in the last episode as well but I'd love if ghost just showed up oh from power because we watch so much power that like there's no black people in it boring

boring if I'm not saying that perfectly sculpted black ass just pounding some if I ain't seen black ass then I am out of here unsubscribe so that's why I want to see

like No black ass. Okay, boomer. So let's say, like, the scene where, like, Ghost meets Anna. Okay. And they're getting coffee.

And then Christian grows up going to like, oh, what's going on here and Ghost? Like, we're just getting coffee. White boy. All right. And Christian's like, well, I'm going to buy your nightclub. And Ghost is like, oh, really? Then puts a gun in his mouth.

And then, you know, in public, okay? Yeah. And he's like, suck it. Suck it. And Christian Gray starts crying. And it's like, stop. He's like, you shut up. And see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that would play very well in middle America. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they'd like that. Well, a lot of them subconsciously, I think, like, they say they wouldn't like it, but they'd be like, why am I getting an erection? There's a guy where I make America a great hat, he's like, why am I getting an erection? Just a grand wizard in his KKK outfit and his pitching a tent. So they fuck, okay, it's real kind of boring, like missionary kind of stuff, right? Listen, this is another baller move.

I think this is what people think is baller. They wake up, all right? And Christian Greer stands up immediately. It makes phone convos. Yes, put for $40,000 in Anna's account. Thank you. And it's like, how do you know my bank account details? Because I'm a romantic.

Yeah. Jesus. But again, there's all these scenes of her going like, wait, how do you know this? And he's like, hey, I got money. Okay. So next, they're getting brunt. Okay. Post-sex brunch.

Nice, nice. They're eggs, Benedict. Yeah, yeah. They're all happy, okay, but then Anna looks at the window, there's a mysterious girl watching them. And she's like, huh, who's done? And do the thing where the bus drives boy.

And then she's gone. Like Batman. Yeah. Like Commissioner Gordon, I mean, that's for Batman. I feel like that, okay. And here's the thing, it's a young girl. How young? um like anna's age

okay right yeah so first at all maybe it's the girl who molested um the woman who molested um christian okay but it's not it's young so they're what's going on here i'm confused yeah a fair plane at this stage the movie you're intrigued i've actually got a question

yeah yeah which i didn't have it tall of the last film you're slightly invested yeah okay so here's the thing now the next very next scene they're walking boy and they meet kim basinger oh who's the woman who molested christian really yeah yeah wow yeah didn't see that yeah and apparently they're still friends oh yeah i mean you know not to be a victim blamer but kim basings are pretty hot like oh yeah and he's 15 i mean yeah still statutory rape which is bad

is it i think it's only bad if um they're ugly if they're hot it's awesome that's what american pie taught me No, it's only bad if it's a young guy, if the guy's underage. Okay. But if the girl's underage. She's probably partying on Leonardo DiCaprio's yacht. Well, again, to quote Tarantino, what do you expect? Oh, yeah, that's...

He said that about the Polansky thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you expect? What do you expect? If a young girl goes to a party, case closed. Detective Tarantino, that's not how it works. Oh, Jesus. yeah yeah so like anna is making a big deal out of it you know like that's the woman who blesseded you

yeah and he's he literally is like oh look we're still friends don't make a big thing oh okay right right okay so does all right go on so i'm like okay we've met kim then the leave okay so i'm like okay we met kim basinger so that's a bit anticlimactic i thought we're gonna like have a big big thing with her yeah yeah yeah but it's like oh we're going about the mysterious girl that'll be big mystery for rest of the film I was like this is going to be a big mystery for rest of the film yeah next scene we find out who she is yeah yeah

Chris just sits her down was like you know that girl you saw yeah I guess who long lost sister no oh no it's actually more boring it's his his ex oh okay yeah his former submissive who a few months ago tried to commit suicide apparently she showed up at the office instead of wrists really yeah jesus christian's like not again

clean up on aisle 4 and then he decides to show her his what the files as private investigator made first with the girl then about Anna oh wait so he shows Anna the file he has on her yeah yeah he's he's a new man now it doesn't sound like it sounds like he's really upped his game like private investigators he's buying a company he's no shame now and he's like yeah have people

watching you God problem with that what are you something a sissy okay

and Anna looks to file and says it even it even times my bathroom breaks

wow yeah and they play it off as comedy oh yeah I just

had a big burrito but no this is very troubling behavior yeah yeah

it's like a nose you of IBS you whore yeah did you catch it from your boss yeah

so yeah Anna doesn't like this okay this isn't a relationship it's ownership oh yeah you go girl

so she's a bit pissed off now as you would be I think she's in the right here but Christian knows how to calm her down

oh yeah guess why he does what does he do how if you does a girl angry at her because he's monitoring her

bathroom breaks okay and taking secret pictures of her yeah how do you calm her down oh I don't know. Hit her a couple of times?

No, I don't know. What does he do? I assume he just, like, takes her back to the sex dungeon and it's party time. It's more weak, actually. Oh. He allows her to touch him. What? Yeah.

He allows her to touch him? Yeah. They've been banging. Yeah, but this time, like, she's in control. Oh. But, like, he just ropes his chest for, like, a second. He's like, oh, ooh, oh, like, because he's in, like, a... Really?

Yeah. How are they banging if he doesn't like to be? touched was he in a hazmat suit no like he doesn't like it touched when like he's not like in control yeah oh i see when there's no chains and stuff involved oh right okay fair enough i guess okay now they're back together oh no problems at all that was it just touch my chest and uh water under the bridge and it's like this whole scene supposed to think it's supposed to be sexy her just like rubbing a finger across his chest and he's like oh oh like it's like really pains him but he's letting her do it because he's in love right that's

It's just very bizarre It's weird Well they're back together now And they're going to go to a party Okay So they're getting dressed Okay And Anne's wearing some sexy clothes

Like lingerie And it's stuff out And Christian's watching And she's like Are you going to just stand there and watch And he's like Yes Yes I am

Okay And then she puts on a dress And she's already going And Christian's like You forgot one thing Then he pulls out the anal beads Oh of course he does Yeah

anal beads yeah no party is complete without anal beads and she's all innocent she's a virgin in that film that's right so she's like how am i supposed to wear these this pearl necklace seems a little big it's just a wacky misunderstanding and he's like oh it's okay first he got to get him wet then he puts them in her mouth I hope they were cleaned beforehand I hope not and the audience this stage

because you can hear the audience they're loving it and what's the baby doing is the baby still crying the baby's clapping I'd give it a standing ovation baby's first steps it's like oh jeez

so she bends over and he just shoves them in like Jesus I always wonder about any old beads because I have no experience with them it's like do you only put one or two in or how many do you try fit in or like because it's like

I don't know On the chain It was like five Okay Yeah But the thing is like They just show it Like her bending over

And him shoving it up So it's not sexy It's more like a drug mule Kind of thing Okay Like he also shoved a Johnny Full of heroin up there as well For safekeeping

Yeah So they go to the masked ball Okay Masked and anal beads It's very niche market Yeah And they meet the mother For a few minutes

He's like, oh, I'm so happy you're back together. Wait, oh, Anna's mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because, yeah, no, Christian's mother. But she was, no, he's adopted, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a nice lady. Oh, okay, she's not a crack addict. No, no. Just oxy cock. Yeah, well, that's acceptable.

Yeah, yeah, she's rich, so it's fine. If you're rich and white, you can just be addicted to the drugs. Yeah, oh, you're crazy. You're just the eccentric, you're a goof. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still get a massive credit loan, right? In fact, you're going to the back. bank popping pills and they're like oh there you are okay so they kind of like do a bit of

chit-chat in the party yeah then they go upstairs and they fuck oh okay yeah whose house is it in they just they don't care oh actually he's in christian gray's mother's house oh is it okay adopted mother's house right okay but then the big she lives a big mansion okay okay okay all right yeah spanks are little as well oh yeah so it would hurt but the anal beads up there oh i didn't think of that yeah maybe all combines are they all up there five beads I don't know how it works maybe on the uncourt edition they'll show

like them just dangling like bloopers yeah you know bead bloopers that'll be a funny blooper they fall out and then like the cameraman slips on them or like the beads fall out and like where are they and the dogs running away they think they're sausages

like follow that dog and they're running like Benny Hill Yeah It's like It's like Christian Gray Anna and a police officer

Like a whole English Bobby Run around And the dogs chasing them Turns in like a Scooby doo See they're all running out of Different doors In a corridor

Oh Okay yeah So after they fuck All right Yeah um they're leaving and chris uh anna sees a picture of his birth mother christian gray's birth mother she's like is that your mom he's like i don't want to talk about it i'm brooding yeah okay and she takes a little picture on her phone and then walks down the stairs it was it was just like

on the wall uh yeah why would his adopted mother have a picture of his biological mother i think she's a cool mom oh okay like this is your crack addict mom maybe it's like punishment like oh if you keep playing video games and not doing your homework I'm going to send you back to your dead crack addict mother do you want that do you that'll teach it

with the worms in the eyes you want that do you stop playing Sega Genesis yeah so in the bathroom she's freshening up after we're getting fucked okay

okay sure the Zana now Kim Basinger walks in and you're like oh drama yeah drama excuse me

did you drop these anal beads? Yes, yes, I did. Those are my anal beads. They belong to my grandmother. So, okay, so they're in the bathroom together. Yeah, and Anna's like, well, no, Kim Baster's giving her a little shit, like, you don't know him. Oh.

You know, not like I know him. Yeah. And then she's like, you molested him. And then she says, which is great now, she says, all I did was show him the truth. Jesus Christ. What a great, like, imagine if in his news night you're doing,

interview. All I did was show her the bloody truth. Sex, the positive thing. Actually, wait, just to go on a tangent for a second. You're the woman who was accusing him of Ray. Yeah. I think, um, not Katie Perry. Maybe you're a fine.

I forget her name, but, yeah. Okay, so. But we were like, she's meant to do an interview with BBC's Panorama show. All right. It was meant to be a half hour, and they've extended. it to a full hour. Oh.

That's not good sign, is it? No, I don't think so. If your accuser needs next to 30 minutes. Well, Andrew, so we're like, maybe she'll tell the story about when we played bad Binton together. When we took her to Pizza Express. Pizza Gate, more like it. Yeah, yeah. What bad.

That, I think, like, surely anyone in the knoll, like, if you're going to use it as your alibi, pizza. Pizza Express. Just do a little bit of Googling. and see what connections are the pizza in terms of child porn. Just go McDonald's. What's wrong with McDonald's? Oh, well, the clown. Oh, yeah.

He got called as well. Ronald, um, Ronald was doing that thing that like a lot of business people do. He's walking down and wear a robe and it was opening up. The hamburger is like in his hotel room. You're ready for my Big Mac? Yeah, just grimace is crying. Grimis's mascara is running. okay

where are we what's oh wait all I did was show them the truth they have a little bit an argument and Anna stands up

because Anna for a lot of the film was like oh yeah a bit like Morty and Rick and Morty oh I don't know

oh geez oh you bless him all geez yeah but this time she's like you know what fuck off

yeah says that the kid Baster right in her face nice and the audience like woo

even the baby's like you go girl Yes, we Yeah, yeah So they drive home Okay Anna and Christian

Yeah Anna's left her car Christian's place Okay And it's like a private car block Yeah Yeah, yeah

And he's got like loads of cars He's rich Yeah Yeah, he's billionaire Okay Anna's car He's been smashed up Oh

Yeah Yeah Smash the pieces And she's like Oh what's going on Chris's like Don't worry about it Let's go to my yacht

that solves every argument let's go to my yacht yeah yeah who say a no to that do you know what I mean so they go to the yacht okay and um it's kind of like oh what's going on I don't feel safe it's like it's okay we're on a yacht and then they're like a five-minute montage them like yachting you know okay you know it's like you know he's driving at first and she tries to drive it with him behind yeah ah it's like cute maybe covers her eyes it's like oh crazy Christian, I can't see Yeah, yeah And then he just twos her up her ass

Yeah, her earneed beads fall out again Oh no, it's so funny If he's like Pulls the anal beads And it goes Bhaugh Yeah, yeah Oh Jesus

And it frightens the seagulls And then nothing really happens For a while It's just a lot of people Walking in our rooms Okay, yeah And then eventually you meet the housekeeper

I think this is maybe a comedy scene so we meet the housekeeper who cleans up the red room and the red room is Christian's special sex room yeah yeah and she's kind of like oh she probably knows what we're doing he's like yeah I don't care and then he picks her up over his shoulder

and brings her into the red room and they walk past the maid okay and I think it's like the maid it's supposed to be like you know the maid's like oh oh Christian yeah I got to clean that up a few minutes. I'll get a mop.

Yeah. And like, even when they walk past, like, Anna makes eye contact with the mage. Like, oh, oh, here we go again. Jesus. I'm about to get fucked and you have to clean it up. I'm going to squirt everywhere and you have to clean it up. You hag.

Yeah. Yeah. And I hope you get you fired afterwards. I'm going to lie and say you've been stealing the China. The good China. Send you back to Mexico. I'm from Delaware. Shut up. you damn mexicans should go back to africa so then they fuck again

yeah of course Anna meets her boss now the boss she's a she's actually forgotten do a few things is this the boss she was having coffee with yeah the publisher boss yeah yeah yeah yeah now she because of all the drama

of Kim Basinger in her car she's forgot to do a few things in the office like book him a flight and uh okay you know tell him about meeting stuff like that sure yeah so he's going to be angry her okay and he's like oh fire you unless you can do something for me and he just the whole like puts the hand she's trying to walk out he puts the hand over the door and gets close to her and it's like

maybe if you uh suck my cock if you get me yeah wink wink wink i won't have to kill you you know like that he's using cold oh yeah he's a player yeah very smooth but guess what anna does what kicks him in the ball nice yeah and runs out of the office good And again, the audience is like, woo! Woo! You go, girl! What, what, what? Go Anna, go Anna. It's your birthday. It's a birthday.

Okay. Yeah. And she tells Christian the boss is fired straight away. Guess who's in charge of the publishing company now? Christian? No. No. Who?

Kim Bessinger. Anna. Oh, what? Yeah. He promoted her. Now, bear in mind, Anna is, I think, an assistant. Okay. She's only like 21 or her.

Yeah, she's just graduated college Now bear mind Other women who are also working in the place Yeah And they all seem dead happy for her Even though she just She just jumped like 20 positions

Yeah in the space of like A couple of bangs Yeah Just because her Her fucking Banging the boss Her fuck buddy owns the company Yeah

And owns it because of her And I don't know Literally like there's like There's a black lady in the office And we see her now and again and she's working I think she was like another assist

or something like that and she seems happy for her even though like Anna is like the definition of white privilege yeah

yeah but they're like you go girl hey you're still it's good to have another girl in the office

even though you're getting I'm just doing what you tell me to do I have to call you Mrs. Steele now and you accuse me of stealing the stationery

even though I don't I'm going to send you back to Africa like the maid none of these are African I don't care well that's where they're going yeah

okay so Anna first day as the head of this published company she has a meeting okay with these guys I think the investors

are like the guys who won't stock or like people aren't buying books anymore what are we going to do their company's going to go under oh god and she's like I think we need to publish

new vices like there's this guy on Twitter he's popular let's publish his book okay and they're like what you

that's insane that's outrageous we can't do that and one guy's like let's hear her out so who's the guy on Twitter did they go into that at all

no of course not no just like this guy is popular on Twitter the internet that has no place in here yeah yeah yeah this is a place of

book no devil internet stuff will get into here okay so it's all going so well Kristen asks her to move in with him okay yeah and guess what she says yes of course yeah why wouldn't she

she doesn't have a choice no real drama no okay so so far nothing really okay yeah the only kind of mystery at this stage like who smashed the car yeah which I don't even know if we find out. Oh, really? I kind of, I want to find out more about the, that girl

that showed up, you know, the ex. Oh, we find out about her a little bit. Maybe, maybe to say she smashed the car. She probably did. I just kind of was paying attention. Okay. Yeah. So, this is a dinner, okay, that there, he's like, I want to move in. She's like, yes. And he's like, good. Take off your panties. They're not in a restaurant, are they? They are. Oh, they are? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. They're in public. Take off your panties. Yeah. She's like, oh, I can't do it here. There's people around and say, yes. Even. Even. better. So she takes them off right there in a restaurant, puts them in her handbag. Jesus. And they never got back to chucky cheese again. They were bad for like...

All the kids are like pointing. Would you do that with a girl? Ask her to take off her underwear in public? Yeah. No, I don't think so. Like unless she was into it or whatever, if that was one of her things. Well, so you're not going to make her do it. Yeah, but you know, but I suggest it. Okay. If we were done, do you have... Allie. You're buying some... messed off and you just get in the mood it's like take off your panties I'm buying bleach and I'm like

take them off it's it only works with a dress okay well yeah obviously it wouldn't work if like she's wearing dungarees if I was having dinner with a girl and she's like take your jocks off

and I'm like okay I start unbutting my jeans but I'm trying to be inconspicuous like so I unbutting my jeans but forget to take my shoes off so I like get him caught up and then I like fall over

yeah um oh yeah any fingers are on the elevator okay yeah sure when there's people in there oh there's people in the elevator right oh okay yeah so it seems like christian's got a bit of a public thing as well oh he likes banging in public exhibitionist it's the first time he's shown these kind of traits right okay yeah he's a complex man

yeah but like he's his finger in the elevator and it's like no a couple beside they don't notice yeah yeah she'll be like you know I'll have where she's having or like the old days monocle for us oh my duty clear oh I never oh I say oh she's like

Charles you never do that to me anymore there's so many ways you can go with this what are a kind of cliched way could you have it like I don't know oh no there's definitely another one we could do okay

well or he turns out the old man's a cop oh no no no no okay okay so he's like fingering what he thinks is anna but it turns out it's the old woman instead and she's saying nothing because she's loving it yeah yeah yeah why do you say anything why would I and then the elevator stops it's like it looks like I'm about to get off oh getting off yeah and then she walks out and there's a little dog

and a dog's a double take like I'll get the next one yeah I'll clean up on all five We're not in a... Shut up! Let's do another one. I like these now. They're so easy to write. I can write an erotic thriller in seconds.

Yeah, we should. We should. Like an Irish erotic thriller. God. Oh, what would that be now? Jesus, look at that Mickey there and all that's class. And Jesus, the fuck of the smel of it. Jesus, we could actually do this.

Yeah, I think it wouldn't be that hard. It would be great. So wait, let's just take a break for a second. Okay. So it would be... Um, a woman. I'm out. Sorry, alright.

No, okay, okay. It's a woman from Dublin. Okay. She's a Dublin girl. Yeah, big city. We're talking north side or south side? Uh, which would be more appealing? Southside's posh.

Northside's a bit of... Do you think people want to see posh people having sex or... I think we got to do like a, you know, somebody from the wrong side of the tracks kind of thing. I don't know. My doorbell just rang. But that's the publishing company right there. Should I go answer? I think so much just answered a bit.

Okay, good. Yeah, all right. Never mind. Sorry. But anyway, so back to our Irish erotics. Yeah, okay. So when people want to see, like, a northside girl getting fucked or a south side girl? I think it's, you know, that old classic, you know, bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks.

Oh, okay, yeah. You know, posh girl. Posh girl and the guy from, like, inner city, Dublin. But he's real smart, like, Goodwill Hunting. No. Okay, yeah, yeah. So it's a posh girl. How would you like

Is our apples there Yeah Yeah Yeah So she's like Oh my word Yeah Oh my gosh

Amazing And she falls in love of them Yeah But Along comes Polly No no No no

Along comes Seamus Okay Who's Seamus Sheimis is from Limerick Oh From the outskirts

Limerick Right Right He's from the fields He's a Colchie is he No I'll tell you He's from Kerry

Okay Yeah Dublin Kerry Colchie Gallad Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then she asked the debate which one like team edward team jacob right okay yeah yeah oh my god yeah and then like do we have kind of sex so like um he rubs his hurl instead of anal bees it's a hurl he stick yeah yeah yeah and then that's the guy from kerry

you can just like um inject her with syringe and then listen versatile together like oh man this would be so easy right like yeah this is a can we just bang this out over christmas we should do it man yeah sell on kindle oh no we just tell ourselves down market the christmas markets yeah yeah yeah erotic swinders two euro actually you're really sad wow i popped into um a little market in dundalk

there's a guy selling a book of facts but you can tell he just did it himself oh really yeah yeah book of facts yeah i'm very lonely i'm scared of spiders I'm going to kill myself The end Question mark

It's like It's like Mark's like It's 50 amazing facts And it's like The paper's not great It's kind of like Remember a peep show In the later seasons

Mark published his book Yeah And it's like And the print It kind of goes into the size of it And it's not even Binded properly That's what it's like

Yeah Yeah And it's like internet facts Did you buy it? No I thought he does You know I only help him

I feel like he's going to a rough patch and I don't want to help him No, no, we need him out of the gene pool as soon as possible I actually know I was chatting for a little bit and just to get on his side Yeah

And I followed him home And I hit him with brick There's your fact Fact 51, you're bleeding from the head Bricks are bad for a brain Okay, let's go back to this time Back to 50 shins darker Speaking of hitting people with bricks

All right Yeah So, you know, Anna's doing great She's getting fingered in elevators And like anal beads and all that She's living life One day she's making breakfast And then she looks in the reflection

Of a plate or something The girl standing behind her Oh, yeah The girl from the bus Yeah, yeah With a gun Oh shit, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah

She's packing heat Yeah, yeah Oh shit, she's strapped Yeah, she's got a gat Yeah, she's got a bloody gat man Man's about to get murk blood get me it's funny if she was played by Stormsy

because you know it's like the whole gender blind casting thing yeah yeah yeah Stormsy plays the ex-girlfriend you fucking my man blood yeah well eventually Grime is getting more more popular so we're going to see it like just in the culture like okay like sense and sensibility

but it's grime artists man that's our second book Grime and sensibility Grime and sensibility Grime and sensibility Yeah, I love it. Okay, so this one now, we'll go back to 50 years in a minute. I'm trying to get the basic, like...

Darcy blood, can I hit you up, fam? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mises need to talk with you and tea. It's so simple. It's on how many books. So it's like, oh, I don't want to marry the Lord of Derby, sure. You have to. It's a woman shouldn't make their own choices, and then, like, in comes storms.

Yeah, and we've got a musical act for the night. Something called Grime. Ooh, I say, he's ever so dark. It's so interesting And he's like Yo, bro, your room is messy Like that Oh, that, that IKEA

Yeah, yeah Your room is messy And they're like, ooh And then like he fucks her Yeah And it's like nine chapters Of him just pumping Just banging the shit out of it

Yeah, yeah It went in, it went out It went in, it went out Squirt, squirt, squirt rinse repeat Yeah Yeah She'd never feel out

I think like this before The Lord of Derbyshire Couldn't do this And there's a bit near he walks and like, oh, I see, stop molesting my future wife's like, get out of here, bro. Whoa. Oh, no, nothing.

Yeah, yeah. That's what he sounds like. That is what he sounds like. Yeah, yeah. That's what they all sound like, yeah. And then, but I'm saying, like, it's like, and then you shoot them. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Nice. God, these books are going, I don't want to go proper writing nonstop. I tell you, man, we're building an empire here. Which should I start? Should I start with the grind book or the Christmas? Well,

the romantic one. Seeing as it was my idea, you can fuck. cry off my I'm gonna Zuckerberg you know I'll do the work okay good I'll take I promise I'll do all the ghost writing stuff

okay nice I'm was your was I'm jobs yeah yeah you're gonna get cancer I probably already have it yeah all right back to 50 shit

okay enough offensive voices yeah well offensive nah your room is missing we've definitely done worse yeah and we'll do worse but it's again like

it's the black guy shooting the white guy so it's empowering yeah yeah I'm yeah I'm 100% I know you are

Yeah Yeah You're getting sweaty Oh God I'm getting hot and bothered Okay We're nearly over now Okay

So she fires a warning shot On the wall The show she means business The ex-girlfriend Yeah Yeah And she's like And Anna is

Look I won't say The Coda Johnson Is a bad actress But she's Badly directed I'll say that Okay

This whole scene Scene Where a gun ponies are Yeah Anna seems like She's gonna fall asleep Oh really She's just like

Whatever She's like Wait Hey So I put that we can get you help I know he used to love Christian but I love him now

so you know don't shoot you leave yeah then Christian walks in takes a gun offer and end of scene oh really no actually no he takes it off it's not even directed that like entry he's like give me the gun

and then he's like give me the gun and then he's it yeah yeah Jesus and then he goes like get the bodyguards to take Anna away oh yeah and he's like what what's and um

Christian's like Look just listen to me for once Would you? Get out here Yeah, yeah And the bodyguard takes her way He's going to put her in the car And now goes like, get away from me, Terry And goes away

And the bodyguard's like Oh, come on, steal Come on Oh, like that Like I'm not being paid enough for this And I made me realise How much better would have been If we'd follow the bodyguard

Okay Like wouldn't that be so much better If it's the rich asshole And the bodyguard has to get the bodyguard falls in love with her oh yeah yeah book number three well that's kind of what the bodyguard is the Kevin Costner movie with you know

Whitney Houston he's she's like a famous singer and he protects her but then they fall in love and start banging and oh you know you know that's him when he's fucking yeah that's what he sounds like when he comes yeah yeah oh I didn't know that and then she goes and takes a bath and I'll say this there's no sequel

to the bodyguard uh yeah so okay we're nearly we're at the end here yeah yeah uh but i would like to find you know show more to bodyguard like what's his life okay his life is just a succession of just like women like just bring them to christ's place and bring them out and then they try and kill themselves and just deal with it like he's probably like christian again and another girl show up with a gun he's like what can i what can i say hey you're the bodyguard deal with it got that magic dick you know what i'm saying yeah yeah he's like oh i know you do believe me i remember the interview uh best day in my life okay uh they have a little fight the next day okay you know why'd you send me away and he was like oh i had to talk her down and stuff yeah

oh okay then they fuck oh it seems like any time there's like about to be some kind of conflict it's just like oh okay let's forget about it then You're like, jeez, there is no conflict here. We found out everything. There's no mystery left. Yeah. Still there are 20 minutes to go. We're like, what's going to happen next?

Next scene, Christian's like, oh, I've got to go Portland on a business trip. Yeah. I'm going to fly my own helicopter there. Okay. All right. And she's like, okay, I'll see you tomorrow. He's like, okay. Next scene, he finds a little helicopter and there's a woman in there with him.

And then he's like, beep, be, beep, be, b, b, b. Oh, God, we're going down. Oh, no. I just remembered. I don't know how to fly an helicopter. And there's black smoke coming out. It's like, oh God, May Day, May Day, May Day, May Day. And they're about to crash, they're like, whew, they're about to hit the ground.

Cut to Anna and Christian's family. Yeah. And they're all watching the news. Oh. And they're all crying. Oh. And the news says, Billionaire missing. Oh, so his helicopter went down.

Yeah, yeah. He's missing. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. And they're all like, oh, boo-hoo. Boo-hoo, my son died, the helicopter crash. Boo-hoo, you know, like that. And then when I was like, if you, it'll be okay.

You've got to stay strong. Oh, boo, hoo, who, who, you know, like all that stuff. Yeah, sure, yeah. And it's a real emotional scene. I'm like, oh, what's going to happen next? And Dirk Christian Gray. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He faked the whole thing? No, he just survived. Oh, yeah. That's it? Yeah. And he walks in, like, what are you guys looking at? You're funny if he walked in with a keg, like, yeah. Oh, my God.

Who'd ready to party. Jesus. Yeah. So what was there? Was it like, is there anything suspicious about the helicopter? Was it just a, it just, it just went down and that's it? Just went down. Okay.

He's his life. Right, that's bought me. What happened to the girl with helicopter? Oh. Never come back to it. Never come back to it. Ted Kennedy there, is it? Oh, you still, yeah.

Chappaquitt in the air. Yeah, he's like, I, um, uh, what woman? I don't remember that. I don't remember a helicopter. Uh, yeah, okay. and you know what they're so happy about this uh they get married oh really yeah yeah just get married no they propose oh oh right okay then they fuck of course yeah this time you use blindfolds and ties and everything because you know you gotta make a special when you've just got engaged just got

got engaged yeah tonight we're using the bigger anal beads we're using the big dills over we're gonna use kennet tonight yeah it's a special occasion yeah um they have a party then the celebrate their engagement. Kim Baster is there. She looks angry. Okay. I'm like, oh, what's going to happen now? Kim Baster goes up and tries to throw a little sly dig.

Yeah. And Anna, something like, oh, you think this is going to last? And gets what Anna does. Trows the drink right in Kim Bess in her face. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then what happens? The mother shows up for no reason and slaps Kim Baster in the face.

That's what you get for raping my son. Even though the mother was way over the other side of the rule. So it wouldn't have heard any of this Right, okay Yeah, yeah Alright Okay, then Christian Nana Go outside

Kiss, fireworks in the background Big end of the movie, okay? Yeah, yeah This is so romantic, this is amazing Then a mysterious figure watches With um Binoculars, yeah Guess who it is?

The boss Oh Yeah, yeah And he's like I'll get my revenge, Christian Then he takes out a picture of Christian Gray And he puts a cigarette

it over the face and burns it He's like, I'll get you, like Dr. Gadgett Like I'll get you next time. Cheez-y as fuck, yeah. The cut the black. That's it? Yeah. The end?

Yeah. Wow. Are you going to watch the third one? I think you have to know. It'd really be weird if I went through my whole life and I was like, I watched two of them. Yeah, but I will never watch the third. That's how I am with the Godfather movies. I've never actually watched the third one.

Well, you know what? People's to give the Godfather a tree, a lot of shit. Yeah. But I bet you it's better than. 50 Shades 3s? I would imagine it is. I've never finished actually. I tried to watch it a few times. I think twice I've tried to watch it. Yeah. I've given up. Yeah. It's not good

at all, apparently. But anyway, so that was 50 Shades Darker. Wow. What do you think? I think, you know, my life is 50 Shades Darker after hearing that. Oh, that's a good review. It's not meant to be a positive review. If you work for the New Yorker, that's the kind of...

Oh, yeah. I could work for the New Yorker. I sent them a packet, but they were not you know they didn't like it your packet was just like it was just that review my life's 50 shades

darker now and then a dead rat and just they used Johnny and then there was two polaroid pictures one of your penis and one of you holding a gun and they were like

I like this guy's style I just the caption I'm available to start one day he's got a certain wits that we like can you cover the New York fashion show I was like, oh, can I?

Move over, Ronan Farrow. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Did he write for the New Yorker? He's written for a lot of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be like the opposite of Ronan Farrell. You'd be actively covering up stories.

Don't worry, Woody. I'm on your side. So that's the end of the show, everyone. All right. We're off to the workman's... The workman's club. Live show. Yeah.

So next. episode we'll let you know how that went i'm getting a little nervous actually i'm actually getting the opposite really yeah i'm getting way too can oh that's not good i wonder we have chairs hmm like i don't want to sound like we're not in the big leagues i don't want to sound like a diva but i think i'd rather have a chair is that me being asking too much is it well this is why i told you to look over the contract brian you know there are no chairs and we're not allowed to wear clothes i just want a chairs you're a hard day okay yeah yeah i just want a chair we can share it like a chair a banister and a piece of rope

that's all I need I've got a pretty good idea for a finale for one night only alright well yeah we'll tell you how the live show went in the next episode well hopefully we're able to tell you how the live show went hopefully we're yeah still alive this literally could be like

that was the last thing they ever recorded their bodies are never found we'd be like Jimmy Hoffoff of podcast yeah yeah yeah yeah but at least he died for something he died for something important you know we died for a podcast that has bad quality audio bad audio quality yeah if someone said we had bad audio quality we kind of do so well you know i never listen back to it

i refuse it it sounds too bad yeah only an idiot will listen to this shit okay let's end it there all right thanks for listening bye