Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 58 : Astronaut Podcast

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

An improvised space adventure.

And we are at Lift Off. Welcome to the first episode of the Astronaut Podcast. Woo! Yes, we are coming to you live from space. My name's Niall Armstrong, no relation. And I'm joined by my host. Hello, my name is Nile Aldrin. But my friends call me Buzz.

No, no, no, no. I don't know who I am. What's your name? My name's James. I'm an astronaut. Okay, right. What's your last name? Not Hatfield.

It's none of your fucking business. How about that? We're on a mission to Mars to get. We are, yeah. We might as well talk to each other. But you know what? I'm like, I'm the old, you know, cynical, cromogen astronaut and I don't need no partners up here in space, but you're like the young buck is going to show me the error of my ways.

Well, you said you need no partners, but... Too old for this shit. You've done a lot of damage in the past. I have, yeah. You remember you crashed a rocket into the space needle? Yeah, the space needle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, in Seattle, isn't it?

You actually, they were filming Frasier at the time. And that's why I went down there. I don't understand these jokes. I go, what's opera? I'm sick of having to watch a sitcom with a thesaurus right beside me, you know what I mean? So, and that's why they sent you on the Mars mission. Yeah, they, so basically, I burned a lot of bridges in the space community in Ireland and abroad. Yeah, and so they've sent me out here on this mission to Mars.

This is, in case you don't know, this is a mission to Mars. So it's going to take many, many years to get there. Oh, yeah. Well, look, tell you what is the mission? I know what it is because I'm the old dog, but you're the young gun, you got to impress me. So what's our mission, kid? Our mission is to get there and then populate the earth.

Okay, we're going to start a new planet population on Mars. It's just us, though. Just us, though. We forgot to bring women. Yeah, I brought a flashlight with me. Can you impregnate a fleshlight? Is that, I'm not very up to do it on female anatomy. No, I think what it actually is, it's more to like, we have lots of seeds and plants and we're supposed to grow things on the planet trying, like, you know, a bit like the marshalment, Matt Damon.

I haven't seen it. Yeah. I don't like watching space. A bit of a bus man's holiday for me, Brian. I mean, I don't want to watch, you know, Bruce Willis on an asteroid blowing up a nuke, because I've lived it, baby. Well, they showed it. We're supposed to watch this part of training, but what he doesn't down, what we'll have to do, is. He has to use his own feces as a way to grow the plants.

Like fertilizer. Yeah. Yeah. See, we were supposed to stop off and get Miracle Grow, but we forgot. So now we have to use our own shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I should remember miracle grow as well. You should have, you dick. I was too distracted. Yeah, what were you distracted? What were you? I was saying goodbye to my loved ones. Oh, what? Yeah. What loved ones do you have that you come here to Mars? You know, we're not coming back, by the way. They only put enough fuel to get us there. Oh, well, that was part of the deal. I know that yet So what did your

Who were your loved ones? My foster mother Your foster mother Yeah Yeah yeah That's her name Gloria Gloria Armstrong

Yeah that's it Yeah She doesn't like to be called Gbag Arbson Oh no Gloria She shouldn't like to be called Gbag She knows you Yeah

I know she says you were a very bad man Back in the day Yeah You're gonna believe her She's your foster mother Not even blood related She said She's an old bint

She said you two Spent She said you two spent a lot of time To get her 24 years ago That's right Yeah And she don't want talk about it back when I was

what age was I 24 years ago 30? 30 yeah yeah you're a real old dog I'm a real old dog apparently so what am I 54 so yeah 50 I'm not good with numbers let's just say I'm 54 yeah you're 54 yeah I sound pretty uh I sound like very

like a lot of enthusiasm in my voice but that's just I've been doing coke the whole time yeah you brought a lot of coke and you know what I shouldn't have let it out of the bag because I was sort of everywhere all around it you're probably getting a lot of it's going up my nose right now

which is bad because I'm trying to drive to do you think they have any checkpoints up here in space there's that new initiative

the guard initiative that they're putting speed cameras all over the place maybe there's a few up here so just keep an eye on

well I've actually got stopped before by the garage and I was in space oh really yeah I had to do a breathaliser test

I nearly died because like you're supposed to let the guard into the thing but I just let the window down good thing you can hold your breath yeah I'm very good

I used to play the tombah the tuba I forget what's called because I have a head injury the tuba the trombone I was very good that's now I can survive in space

okay cool I just do coke to get through it that's how I make it up here in space well it's different ways you know different books for different folks as the same goes

No, well, that's not the same As you're saying, like, this is a one-way trip to Mars We're not coming back We're going to die on the red planet If we even make it there Which we probably won't Now, I told my foster mother Who is definitely my real mother

Okay That would be a big twist That will be a big twist No, she's my foster mother She looks exactly like me Okay She's my foster mother And I told her I was going to Mars

In one-way trip and she said goodbye Yeah She didn't even She's closed the door on my face well that's Gloria yeah she was a real ice queen for back in the I remember that

yeah and by that I mean she was always high on Crystal Mess and also a bitch well a real ice queen well she really

she turned around now and now she runs a foster care home she gave what's the name of that foster home again the Aldrin the Aldrin no it's the Armstrong

no she named that after after Buzzie yeah yeah yeah she also used to hang out with Aldrin 24 years ago yeah yeah oh believe me

I was there. Spittlosseter. It's the Buzz Aldrin Orphanage. Oh. Most of... Wasn't there a lot of... That was in the press a lot recently for some kind of... Yeah, all the kids...

All the kids that are lying in unison. And that Netflix team came by and tried to make a documentary about it. But... It's all lies. Yeah, my... Because there's some really dark things in that documentary, I remember. All lies. All lies.

Yeah, yeah. So she didn't sell the kids to the Lolita Express or Harvest their... None of that's true. It was an internship. Oh, okay. She didn't sell it to him. It's a false course. It's kind of like, you know, college athletes don't get paid.

Ah, I see. Yeah, it's like that. The kids didn't get paid, but my foster mother did. Allegedly. But it's not true, right? Well, no, the elite thing is, but there was nothing untoward going on there. Just spent some time with Clinton. Okay.

Yeah. Did you make Clinton when you were a kid? Yeah, but I blocked it out. Well, hello there, Nile Armstrong. That's where I got into the trombone. Yeah. just to block just to block out

the noises of squelching in my head yeah that's because I must have had such a good time yeah that I blocked it out because sometimes

like if you have such you have too much fun you just completely don't remember any of it yeah time flies when you're having fun and the memory really goes blank

when you're having a good time yeah that's the old saying that's why Alzheimer's patients are always having such a good time yeah all I remember is Hillary's laugh

yeah and and something else about like Epstein I don't know I don't know I don't know yeah

look who knows I think but like that documentary was a piece of if you don't mind me saying

a piece of SH double hockey sticks Oh yeah yeah yeah I did not like it and we actually banned it from the buzz alder

orphanage okay fair enough so well let me ask you what are you doing up here then in this mission of Mars I got a little

trouble with the law ooh what happened I don't want to talk it was you might have seen it you might have seen it in the press I mean Nile

yeah we're up here at this rocket ship going to Mars I'm the last person you're ever going to speak to you we're both going to die we might as well confess everything well if you must know I'm sure you saw on the press

I got a little accident I was driving not a rocket but a car okay it's kind of hard for me to talk about I was driving a car and you know Courtney Cox I'm familiar

I broke her legs oh okay and it was just you're going to do a proper friends reunion but now And I broke her legs And they had to cancel the whole thing

Oh Yeah And then the public That wasn't even too bad But the whole public Turned against me Because I've ruined friends Yeah

And they were outside my house And they were You know Burning effigies of me And stuff like that And I had to get out there And I tried to stay in the orphanage But my foster mother

said you're not allowed Stay here anymore Okay Yeah She says that I love all the children In the orphanage apart from you Ah, you're the one

Black Sheep So then I decided to go back well I tried to get I was a fighter pilot I'm sure you know this Of course yeah we all were So I was a fighter pilot and I lost my Fighter pilot license because of the Courtney Cox instance

Okay She's got a lot of pull with the military I know that much Yeah yeah yeah All the Friends cast in fact Which is a shame I thought the military Would be on my side Because I was actually the influence

The base top gun on my life Okay about a closeted man Who pretends to be straight by flying jets And playing volleyball Yeah well in my version There was no subtext Okay, you were just full on We were just

It wasn't he was called Instead of ice man He was called cum man And you freeze his cum Yeah We used to do that While driving planes over Beirut Yeah

But um I went to the danger zone Yeah But Danger Zone in real life Was a gay club And believe me It was a dangerous zone Yeah but this is in the 80s

it was a real trill yeah it really is just raw dog and some dude in a nightclub in the 80s like hey you don't happen to be a member of NWA do you

I actually met EZ Oh Yeah he was in the Yeah he was in one of my planes And that's actually how he got AIDS It's because I was doing a flip in the plane and his mouth was open and actually spit into it.

But yeah, so I got in trouble with Courtney Cox and everyone on the planet who watched his friends hate me. So I thought, I'm, you know, I can't drive a plane. I can't drive a car anymore. It's getting a rocket. So you got on this space,

now did you offer it for this mission or did they say you have to go? They strongly offered it to me. They put a gun to my head and offered it to me Okay, well, yeah, that's pretty You know, see, I'm here of my own accord Despite what you may believe What, tell me, how did you end up here?

I'm an old road dog, Brian That's a long and twisted tail You know how they say that Kobe has a complicated legacy? Yeah, they're going to say that about me. How so? Tell me your story. My story, well, it starts off in Tennessee. Oh, you're from Tennessee? No, it's...

You don't sound like you from Tennessee. No, I'm not from Tennessee. Tennessee is that In Monaghan Yeah it's in Monaghan Yeah yeah Tennessee in Monaghan No I haven't been

No yeah well look So it's not called that anymore You know how Africa used to be called by Afra It's kind of similar Monaghan used to be called Tennessee But some bad shit went down And also had apartheid But nobody intervened

Yeah Yeah We tried to stage our own live in concert But with Big Tom Instead of Bob Geldof And it wasn't very popular It didn't really take off you know

and so how you were born in Monon and how did you get into the astronaut game well uh little little James Armstrong

well I used to look up at the skies and think you know someday I'll be up there away from all this away from this horrible world I used to dream

that an alien spaceship would come down and take me aboard and say James we're actually you're from our planet you don't belong here with the scum

because I I was, you know, I was kind of put in a remedial school, and in order to cope, I sort of developed what psychologists called narcissistic personality disorder, where I had grandiose delusions and thought, say, knew I was better than everyone else, a bunch of fucking window liquors that they were. So you were in intermediate school. Yeah, yeah. And then somehow you got involved in Operation Desert Storm? Desert Storm, yeah, 93. Well, I was a big supporter of the Bush administration, you know, even back, you know, for granddaddy Bush who had links to the Holocaust.

You set up that thing in school, Irish for Bush. Irish for Bush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, that kind of got taken over by a lot of feminists, you know. One thing that I did notice my time growing up in Monaghan, I got very into improv, actually. One thing I noticed about improv is when you don't rehearse it at all or know what you're going to say,

that could get you in a lot of trouble. But I digress. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I'm walking around with my narcissistic personality disorder in my mind. Well, you taught, that's what you did when you were in the army with Operation Desert Storm. You taught troops how to do improv. Improv, yes, and, yes, and, will I murder and rape these women and children? Yes, and never stop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you got, what's he call it when you get discharged, but not in a good way? Dishonorable discharge. You got dishonorably on, yeah, discharge, yeah. because ironically enough I shot and produced my own amateur porn that was also called dishonorable discharge

where we jins on Iraqi children No no no Which is weird because Was Upparish there to storm even in Iraq? Was it? I don't know No, it was Iraq

Oh right, okay, that's okay then Yeah, I'm pretty sure It was like the first attempt I know, I was there Yeah, yeah, yeah PTSD and the heroin And the you know Yeah, I was on heroin

Yeah, you were I was on a lot of I actually remember now you were quite the news story back in the day Yeah Hey I was kind of like Pre-Springery

You know I was the original Shock Jock Well that's like So what happened is I remember this now Okay Oh you do

That's how you got your job In New York On the radio Yeah That's right Because you would go on Talk shows a lot Yeah

While on drugs Talk about Usually heroin Sometimes coke But mostly heroin So you go on Talk about your Pornow that you shot

With a bunch of like Unwilling troops Who are suffering From schizophrenia and they were going around jacking off on suspecting Israelis. And Fox News now. No, wait, I'm right.

What do I say, Israeli? That's where I really got into trouble. Well, the thing is like... That exact slip of the tongue is what got me cancelled. Well, the thing is like that, but actually that's what kind of got you on Fox News. They liked that. Yeah, they really warm to me.

I mean, I'm not sure if you've seen the loudest voice. That thing about Roger... No, I knew Roger. Oh, did you? He was a great man. But, you know, all this bullshit that's come out of about him.

It's all lies. I mean, yes, maybe his cock did look like a bit of chewed-up hamburger meat. Maybe he did come blood.

He was a hemophiliaic. He was in blood. And look, okay, maybe he did viciously, sexually assault people. But hey, we've all got our flaws,

you know, that's all I'm going to say. Yeah, you've never done that. Oh, I never did that. No, no, no. Good. Not to anybody was away. Because I couldn't,

what? What? No, because I couldn't share a rocket ship with someone who was like that and it would be try to do something to me.

No, no, you're not my type. Oh, good. Okay. So, um, so that's, uh, the, so then, and then, so you're on radio in New York for what? You were a shock jock. It was a shock jack. Yeah, yeah. Um, heroin most of the time.

Yeah, and people love that. Just saying the things that everybody was thinking and nobody wanted to say, well, at least that was what I thought. Turns out I was saying what nobody was thinking. So you were a media personality. Yeah. Now I don't really watch TV or, but so I wouldn't know too much. So you're a media personality.

So how did you get from there to get on this rocket ship? Okay, well, the space program, I kind of just, I always wanted, I had an affinity for the astrology and space, and I always wanted to be up there. So, one time when I was doing my radio show, I had this porn star in, put her on a simian, you know, that old gag, you know, Stern kind of stole it from me, but I've seen, I originated it. I've seen those videos on Pornhub. I didn't know you were the one who originated that. That was me, yeah. But it turns out she was this porn star that I had in. She was very big with the astronauts and the naval bases.

She did her own kind of USO tour, shall we say. Was her name Gloria? Yeah, well, no, we called her Guy by Armstrong. Okay, right. I think she did go by Gloria also. Oh, oh, no. She's... So, I'm going to continue.

So that's... No, it's actually a friend of hers. But yeah, so they kind of took me to one of their cocaine sex parties in NASA. And, yeah, I just got really high. And they said, do you want to be a... part of NASA. I was like, do I ever? That's pretty much how I ended up in the NASA program.

I did some missions that didn't go well at the old... How so? Well, I crashed the rocket ship into the space in Seattle. I mean, that kind of you know... That was one of the... People say that's the day that Grunge really died. That was one of your many little incidents.

Yeah, I had a few. I had a few. Well, we've all had a few. Like, that Corny Cox team was the only one that made the press, but I've done other things. I did the same thing to Matt LaGla, and they didn't even report it. Nobody cared. All the big sitcom stars like it was becoming like

a bit of a thing like they were all winding up with broken legs but Courtney Cox is the only one that got caught for. Again I wasn't doing on purpose just a big coincidence like you know happenstance.

Yeah yeah well okay so I guess the final incident how I ended up here is I'm not sure if you're familiar with Harvey Weinstein Oh I've heard of him He made Goodwill Hunting That's right. Goodwill Hunting. Again, I haven't been reading the news much lately.

No, yeah. We made Goodwill Hunting and Shakespeare in love. I love those films. One of the best picture in 1998, I believe. And rightly so. Rightly so. A wonderful little. Well, anyway, he's kind of, he's got some legal trouble at the minute. He's in court. But I was meant to be a star witness for the prosecution because he's done so bad stuff, Brian. And I was going to put him behind bars. Yeah.

But apparently he's still got a lot of pull in the industry underneath the surface. Nobody knows this, but he's got Bob doing things for him. So basically, Bob and a couple of goons showed up in my gaff, bag over the head, battered me with dildos, don't know why they were dildos, and kind of dragged me onto this rocket ship. Oh, really? Yeah.

So you didn't even give consent to this? No, I didn't, no. How ironic? That's the Weinstein Motus operandi, Nile. That is... Oh, that's interesting, because, like, as... So Bob Weinstein forced me to be on this rocket ship with you. Oh, it's interesting because

if the listeners don't know This is the first time We've actually met Yeah So like I saw you Getting dragged in with a bag On your head And those dildos

I assumed that was just what That's just kind of my thing That's how you warm up You know Like I myself I'd like to have a cup of tea Before I go in the space Well, different strokes

Yeah Yeah Yeah It's very interesting On our suicide Camacazi mission to Mars We decided to record a podcast Well

It can get boring This is the captain's log Yeah Captain's Log Well So regular old Captain's Log is boring and I love Star Trek when I was a kid

If you want a captain's log Go check the bug Oh I left a big log in there And I don't like how you didn't flush So it's like it's floating around right now Yeah In zero gravity Zero gravity shit

And it's kind of formed It's formed to a nice kind of circular kind of thing like it'd be beautiful It wasn't so You know it's disgusting And covered in blood Yeah I was gonna ask about that I've lived a hard life

What can I tell you We've been in space 20 minutes And you're already shitting blood I was, ah ha, jokes on you. I was shitting blood before I got on the space. Ah, ha, idiot. Did you do a health check before you go on? No, why?

Are we mentioned? Well, I failed mine as well. No, did you mention it? I was starting to feel a little light-headed. Are there certain requirements you need to get on a space? I thought so as well, but they said you can get on, you're fine. Okay, well, I guess we're not coming back. Yeah, and I was like, by asthma, can I bring him in the haler?

And they're like, no, you don't need that. You don't need that. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm a diabetic, but I don't need my insulin in space. That's what they told me, anyway. Yeah, I'm starting to think that they just want to get rid of us. Because I was looking at the logs, and it's supposed to be Mars, but I just see the word sun. Oh, no.

Are we going to be able to plant stuff on the sun? I mean, it'll get a lot of sunlight. That's what plants need to grow with sunlight. You get plenty of that on the sun. I heard about these Polish guys that try to land on the sun, but it was at night. Oh. you've heard that oh it's an old joke

about Polish people oh right obviously that didn't happen I was just trying to make a joke to like because we're probably going to die yeah so I was trying to like lighten the moves

I don't know I'm starting to feel I don't like Polish people okay yeah it's good to get that out there my brother was killed by one okay

he was killed by a bad well not my not my actual brother he was one of the foster kids yeah and was the Polish person Roman Volanski has he Polish

I don't know actually he did like to dress like Austin Powers yeah by me so really groovy

shagadelic he's a nine year old I'm from the swinging 60s so I was saying I really don't have much people who will miss me like my kids won't miss me

my ex-wife won't miss me I don't have any kids except for one one loved child that I heard we know it was before

repeal the 8th so we had no choice had to take the boat but I actually fell overboard when we were taking the ferry to England it was actually me and the old G-bags Armstrong yeah I knocked her up once

That's weird how Dave she's a similar name to my Yeah G-bags Armstrong My Vostermore said she named me Armstrong because of a guy she met but it's probably a different guy Yeah probably is yeah

So you had to go get the ferry to get you Yeah, the ferry, and what happened was, there was a, well, look, this might make me sound a bit racist, but, you know, it was 2005, we just had the London bombings. Yeah. I saw a lad with a hit jab or whatever it's called, and I kind of panicked. I was on Meskolin at the time,

and I jumped overboard thinking he was going to blow up the boat. Now, he never did, so I was wrong. That was a risk. And then when you surfaced, when you surfaced, James. Yeah. the boat was gone it was gone yeah it didn't wait for me and i just assumed she got the old uh abortion i don't know it's uh it's interesting that like um because i'm much younger than you what it how old are you 24 24 i'm 54 i'm the youngest ever um because you remember i said

that like i was a fighter pilot in the 80s yeah yeah yeah that was actually i got reincarnated oh yeah yeah yeah i used to be um bell kilber yeah yeah i used to be um yeah i used to be um yeah yeah i used Valcimer and that's why Val Kimmer looks like that now

is because his soul actually left his body but his body and now he's just a husk that can't talk

is in the snowman actually one of the last films I watched before I came on the spaceship was this Jane

Silent Bob reboot oh yeah Al Kilmer your old vessel had a cameo in it

but didn't speak you see he was barely able to stand he looks awful that's

that's a very disappointing hear about your old vessel kind of like hearing about your old car you know Yeah How's it doing

When I was in Val He was great He was in the doors He was He played Elvis In True Romance He was doing Good stuff

Yeah And I died Just around I was like I'm gonna leave This vessel Yeah So I floated into the

The ether Yeah Into the ether And I went straight Into the The Buzz Aldrin Orphan Yeah

What is it Buzz Alder and Orphanage Yeah Yeah Named after Buzz because Buzz actually fader a lot of those children. Yeah, that's true. Well, you see, it's an orphanage that specifies.

He used to sling dick. That's one thing about a Buzzy, you know. But and he used to punch reporters. That was his two things, like, yeah. He said he was never on the moon. Yeah. Yeah. Um, do you, would you, do you ever believe that that he didn't land the moon? I mean, we know, we know, I was there. Were you? No. Do you, were you reincarnated

as well? No, no, no, I was just a bad acid trip. I thought it was a it was a shot for shot reenactment of the landed very specific and uncomfortable very cubric yeah i didn't like it but uh yeah we've been there yeah i'd love to go there if you don't die from the sun we could take a little detour i mean what do you say i suppose we could hack the the system yeah i i could you ever used a computer because i haven't i'm not allowed to use computers okay i had a calculator once it was a cassio could this be that much i had a calculator as well i had a calculator as well and i ate it

I ended up I nearly choked on it because something about my childhood I just put things to them out Big pointy things Yeah yeah I just said I know something built into me Okay

Yeah so I could try I'll remember that for later actually Yeah so I could try I could kind of put anything in front of your mouth And you're instinctually You will just sort of gobble Oh yeah

It's got me into a lot of trouble I'd imagine so That's like I think that was the main reason And it's gonna get you in some more trouble I guarantee you that I think that was the reason Courtney Cox so angry at me Because like I hit her

and I got him and just put her foot in my mouth. I couldn't help it out. So I'm going to try hack the system now. Okay. So, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be, be. Okay, it's done. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was actually pretty simple.

That was great. You must have watched the movie Swordfish, because, you know, he's, Hugh Jackman is in that, and he's a really good hacker. He actually, there's a code that the fastest hacker in the world that takes them an hour. He has to do it in 60 seconds. Oh, wow.

While Vinny Jones holds a gun to his head, and he's getting a blowjohn. being stared at by John Travolta. Is that true? That's a true scene in Swordfish. I do know in that Swordfish, if you see Halliberry's tits, there's actually a code in those tits. Oh, I see. So if you cut them open, like, you'll find a code.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what the code's for. I think it's for like a bank or like a... Like a Swiss account? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a Swiss account for $10. So if you want...

So now, yeah. Okay, now we can go anywhere. It won't let me go back to Earth. That's a fail safe. But I can go anywhere else. Where do you think we should go? Should we go moon? We could go look at the moon and see what's on the moon.

You know what, let's go see your namesake. Yeah, let's go fly past. It's funny how we're both called Armstrong. Best not think about it. No. Yeah. So now we're going to the moon now. Um.

Shrew. Wow. We're on it now. here on the moon. Now only problem, we don't want any suits. No. Okay. Big breath. Get back in, get back in. Oh my God. Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh. Who are all those people? Yeah. Why were they all Asian? What is going on of here? What's going? Why is there a Chinese flag here? Wait, there's... Oh my God. It's the director of Parasite. He's Korean. All Chinese. Yeah. There, you know the way Buzz Aldrin, not

Stanley Kubrick. allegedly fake the moon landing on earth the Asians are so efficient they're faking the moon landing on the moon and they've got the best Korean director around to do it

the Korean Kubrick that's what they call them it's like the Italian stallion the Korean cubric I mean we probably shouldn't should we say hello to them I mean we should try maybe get apart to be like extras in the background

I can do a really good impression of an Asian person would you like to hear it let's save it till we meet them. Have you done much acting? I've appeared in a few things.

I mean, you know, a few cameos back in the day. I was in, I was actually a featured extra in Animal House. You remember the guy who was playing the guitar that John Belushi

smashed? Well, I was the dealer that gave John Belushi the cocaine that killed him. Oh, wow. That's pretty good. That's on your IMDB, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. I haven't done. Like, people ask, how exactly is that related scene in animal house is like well you don't know nothing about Hollywood

baby well and you reprised your role when you met Philip Seymour Hoffman Chris Farley as well you've been called the angel of death yes I have by a lot of I kind of speedball

you know I wasn't there I didn't give it to River Phoenix but I was there when it happened that's where I got the idea it's like oh this is actually a very efficient you were the one who leaked the recording of Joaquin yeah calling for that's right I did yeah

I was doing a hidden camera prank show at the time I originated that format as well And I was like, yeah, we're welcome back to Welcome back to buzzed Yay, your brother's died on a sidewalk You big bitch How do you like it? Oh please no

Yeah, it's funny how like yet MTV didn't pick it up Yeah But a few years later Jackass comes along Did I get residuals? Did I fuck? That's a shame You think if that got picked up to maybe the stuff I've shoved up my ass

Yeah You know It's annoying how like If that got picked up Maybe they wouldn't have Give me a bit more leeway With the whole Seattle thing Maybe

Maybe About blowing up all Seattle Cutta what a shut of Brian There are many avenues in life I could have taken I'm trying to think if I done much acting now Uh I

Probably in those like Basement films That used to get made In the Armstrong Orphan orphanage boys The Buzz Aldrin Orphan Yeah

Yeah well you see those films like kind of hard to get now well not if you got the right connections I actually happened to have them all not with me oh really yeah so I was not gonna be honest I've been kind of saving it because I was a little starstruck I'm kind of a fan boy of your very early work

as a child actor is that what you had in that big black bag yeah well don't look in it because it's not for you and you'll get in trouble it looked like a bunch of VHS yeah it is VHS yeah I was hoping maybe they'd have an old VCR on this space ship but apparently not I'll tell you what I've got a photographic memory

I'll tell you what I want to impress the Asians Bujun Hoh okay I want to impress him so I'm going to show him one of the tapes all right

and I'm going to take one of the tapes here and I'm going to put on I'm going to hold my breath yeah I'm going to go out again in space okay give it to him I'm going to give it to him

and we're going to see what happens so you talk for second you describe what goes on yeah okay oh fuck sick fuck sick why did I give him the tape Oh no

I wonder if my fingerprints are on it No I always wear latex gloves It's okay Oh shit shit shit shit wait Hang on maybe your man can't speak English Oh no he's got a translator He's gonna be able to Oh fuck

I'm back Hey hey what's up I was Did you meet him I showed him the tape How did he like it? He loved it Oh

I didn't see it myself But he said he loved it He loved it He's gonna make me a star He says Oh wow okay He's gonna he's making a film called Parasite 2

Okay Interesting Well I mean look I don't want to get too litigious on you but I think I deserve an executive producer credit. Oh, of course, yeah, yeah, I'll make sure. I'll make sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, I'm going to use an acronym or a pseudonym, you know.

I don't like, I like to use a pseudonym for certain credits on certain films. Oh. So you can just call me James Cadden. Oh, I always blame that guy for everything. I've seen that name. Oh, he's a bad man. Yeah, yeah. He is a bad man.

Yeah, that name was on all the VHS tape. Written by. directed by produced by like an episode Louis starring by it was like

Louis it's like nonstop just you Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy yeah the Asians loved it so much

that they're stopping the whole moon landing thing now oh and they're gonna move straight on to that yeah

just that yeah so they're actually heading off now so I should oh shit wow they've gone where'd they go

they took the tapes oh no just one oh no that was apparently that was the best one that was it was written on it the best one you uh you stare directly into the camera the entire time oh really it's the best one but it's funny because it's called the best one brackets unconscious bracket steer so you are unconscious yeah yeah yeah yeah i think that's why the ages liked it yeah yeah you probably don't remember you were definitely comatose the whole time what what oh okay well the ages have gone there They're gone.

What should we do? Should we just head to Mars then? Back to our original mission? Yeah, let's go to Mars properly. We've got the shit and the seeds. Might as well. Go. Now, just to, look, I don't want to be that guy,

but while you were giving him the tape, he didn't, like, cough or sneeze or anything because... Oh, yeah. Oh, he did, huh? Yeah, yeah, he coughed really hard. Okay, are you having any respiratory trouble right now? Have you caught coronavirus? That's what I'm asking.

See, I've only got one lung. Oh, okay. because of an instant now you say a mention that your face is turning in a slight blue

yeah yeah yeah yeah think how good I've only got one lung and I'm still really good

to hold my breath think about that if I had two lungs Jesus you'd be unstoppable yeah I lost in football accident

okay I was playing in school yeah with this new body yeah my principal shot me with a harpoon okay

he said by accident yeah I disagree all right okay yeah so I got one lung but even at one lung like I'm finding

I am getting signs of coronavirus. Okay. Well look let's just head to Mars and do what we came here to do. Yeah. So you don't care if you get coronavirus. No, I don't care. I'm on the way out anyway. I just wish that I could have met that child from all those years ago.

I wish I could have met my dad. I actually have a picture of him right here in my wallet as a little baby. She sent it to me in the post on his first birthday. Oh. So I almost thought she got the abortion, but she sent me this picture.

Look at the birth mark on his shoulder. You see that? That's the only discernible thing. Val Kilmer has that birth mark. No way. I have that birth mark. Falcilmer's my son. Oh my, I can't believe it.

You're also my son? No, your son's the husk of Val Kilmer. Oh, okay. Yeah. Kind of depressing. Yeah, you don't want to talk to him. No, he can't even talk to you. No, he can't.

He's got a throat cancer. Yeah. From all that pussy he was eating. sorry to hear that ah that's a shame well i'm god i'm killing myself now yeah that was a big disappointment that was kind of the only last thing that was giving me any source of hope was finding my son now it turns out it's val kilmer yeah she just kill ourselves yeah i think we should let's just go to mars ah you know what i'm not even going to wait i'm just going to open the hatch yeah i see how that one long treat you now

Oh my god, it's an alien Oh, his cock is so big I come in peace As I'm going to turn your asshole into pieces Why does he sound like a Kennedy? I don't know Were the Kennedy's aliens? Wait, we're back, we're back, okay?

We're back, we're close to hatch. We close it, wait, the aliens We just fought off a redpicious alien. The alien looks like Ted Kennedy. Yeah. Yeah, there's aliens outside. I'm starting to think that the Kennedy's might be an aliens. That would explain a lot.

They are the reptilian overlords that David Ike has been talking about. Oh wait. The aliens, he's like, he's beckoning. He wants us to follow him. Should we follow him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. We're following the aliens.

Oh, he's showing us a little, um, it's a little hole in the moon. Oh, we're going into the hole. Oh, we're going into the hole in the moon. Queen Elizabeth. What are you doing here? Oh, hello, darling. Welcome to the centre of the moon. uh what's in that what's in between those two slices of bread oh my god it's a vietnamese child oh this looks

pretty good what's the matter dear never had Thai food oh my god she just devoured that child oh my god that's that's impressive for a woman of her age i guess usually they can't have big meals like that so good for her i guess we've really seen true die of the needle here we're seeing it all do you think we should just stay here with the reptilian overlords i mean do you think the No, hopefully you think we're cool. Okay. We'll have to eat a baby to prove that we're, you know,

witted. We have to get wet. We got to get wet. We've got to make your bones, son. Okay, look, I got a baby sandwich here. Okay. What type of baby sandwich? What type of baby is a...

Okay, it is a live baby? Kind of wriggling a little bit. Yeah. Ah, there we're good. Okay, mine, let me just smack its head off the wall. Yeah, go out. There. Ah!

Wait, wait, wait, I'm very weak. Ah! Oh, wait. Oh! Oh! It's hitting back. It's hitting back. It's hitting back.

Oh my God. It's Puerto Rican. Stavit. Oh, God. Thank you. Yeah, that was a tough baby. I didn't want to do that now. Stabbing a baby, I'm not down with that.

Yeah, okay? Eating it's one thing. I'll eat a baby, sure. But I'm not going to stab it. I'm not a goddamn savage. What race is yours? I don't see Color Nile. But if you must know,

it's certainly a Jewish baby. I'm not going to tell you how I know. Okay Mine's white Can I get a new Excuse me Your Majesty Waiter

Oh yeah it's a restaurant system Yes May I help you Oh my God You look so hideous But I won't say no to another baby A non-white one please White ones are so gauche

Yeah they are They're gluten Packed with gluten White babies are packed with gluten You gotta go And they can't dance And they can't jump White babies can't jump

I've seen that movie Have you seen the sequel White babies taste bland Okay let's eat a baby then Go on they're all watching us Let's do this Are you gonna do head first or feet first? I'm gonna go head

Yeah I'm gonna try and get the head in one go Just I think that'd be the cronchyest part I think yeah yeah let's do it Oh my fucking teeth Oh Yeah A baby skull is hard Its teeth is biting my teeth

It's very uncomfortable Very tangy Very tangy I normally like tangs I'm an astronaut Yeah I'm like how you Yes I like tang

Because I'm an astronaut Yeah yeah Nobody can Ridiculous for that Not being consistent Yeah yeah When I When I

When I joined up to the Air Force Didn't expect this to happen in my life Oh, well, I kind of, I knew it would have. I know, I don't know why, but I always knew I would eat a baby at some point in my life. I just knew that about myself. I always knew. When you looked in the mirror. I was like,

one day, you're going to eat a fucking baby. When you were getting a first confession, you're like, I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to eat a baby. It's on the cards. And the priest is like, tell me more. So here we are now in the center of the moon in a reptilian overlord restaurant. Was the queen and the Kennedys eating a baby?

it's just the queen and kenties that's it there are a couple other plebis here oh coby what's up oh Kobe you faked your death nice oh but you actually did kill the kids to make it look more real okay hey dedication

yeah I suppose they were too old to eat yeah they were okay yeah you know what that old's saying you know ready to bleed too old to eat it just grass in the field don't eat them

it just fuck them yeah I don't So they're going to have a big ceremony for us now It's kind of like prom Like what? It's kind of like prom Oh yeah So we have to find dates now

To the prom To no the ceremony To become one of the elites Like so who are you going to take You have all the elites here All the elites Who are you going to take? Who are you going to take?

Wow Gosh, that's So I got my choice I can they say no to me Is that an option? Yeah, it's like life Okay So then I gotta go realistic

Well, the thing is, like, you're, you're, they have the option to say no. But they're fans of your radio show back in New York. Oh, okay. I'll take, uh, brilliant, I'll take Scarlett Johansson. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, she's one of the elites. Okay.

She's over there. Yeah, yeah. Hello, Scarlett. Where's, uh, she's a spin on me. Ooh. Oh, and the game begins. Oh, a little cat and mouse. Spill on her, spill on her, do it.

Oh, she got right in the eye. liked it she did like it yeah look she's giving you a come hit her look yeah oh look jost is here he's not supposed to be here throw him out throw him out of space lock get out yeah oh his head exploded good yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah michael shay's the better of the two yeah this is getting very uh okay i got to go find the date now i got scarlet so i'm all good something tells me that our adventure is going to last under 10 minutes oh really yeah something might say it's gone on too long as it is no no no i disagree um maybe when we get back from the space adventure

we should go to do a bit of improv in Dublin I think we're good enough okay I got to find a date I'm going to pick that goop lady who oh Gwyneth Paltrow Gwena Paltrow She's very evil

Her vagina candles Yeah yeah yeah yeah Well she's going to put the candles in my vagina Ah you have a vagina No she's going to say She's going to give me one Oh that's very nice of it Yeah yeah all before the next few minutes

You're going to take psychedelics and shove a candle in your pussy And then you won't be depressed And then she's going to make another Netflix show Now I've been burned by Netflix in the past You have But this time They made that surreptitious false documentary

But this time Their Goop documentary is going to be 100% accurate Okay so now I've got I got Palatro You got Johansson You're still spitting on each other Yeah yeah It's really become a ting now

Like she's really Man she has a lot of flames She must be a smoker Instead of holding hands We just spit on each other Be honest I wouldn't mind spitting Because my one just keeps chugging candles of my ass.

Lit candles. I imagine that's uncomfortable. Lit can't. Yeah. And not the small ones either. Full on, you know, key candles.

You know how they come in the glass? She doesn't take it out of the house. I don't like it because I keep trying to put in my mouth because, you know, it's phallic shape. Yeah.

But she's like, no, you can't. You got to put on your ass. But, you know, that's relationships, I suppose. So what times the ceremony kick it out of it? It's starting in like a minute.

Okay. I'm going to do anything? Do we have to write like a monologue for our ceremony? Yes. Like an acceptance? We have to write an acceptance speech. Okay, right, okay.

Who would you like to thank? Ooh, I think I'm going to thank my foster mother. Yeah. He definitely isn't my real mother. Yeah. That she was so shamed by me. She just said I was adopted. Okay.

Makes sense. I can see that. No, no, no. It would make sense that. I think we're going to do my speech. Who would I tank? Well, you know what? All the fellow astronauts, I think.

All the ones who died in the challenger, they're going to dedicate my speech to that teacher died in the challenger. What's going to be your, like, political angle? You know how, when you mean? make an acceptance speech you got to get up there and say we got to save the planet or save the animals or you know save the babies. I'm going to be a bit like a walking

Phoenix where I'm against lynching black people and drinking dairy and they're both equally important. Yeah. So you're anti-drinking cow's milk but you're pro eating babies apparently because we just

oh that's just each. Yeah because cows can't give consent. Oh okay. that baby you know I could sense by the eyes it was even though it was attacking me when you were slamming its head yeah yeah

but what was wearing you know I was wearing makeup yeah okay oh my god oh god okay let's do her speeches okay so okay

just that you know the listener no forget the listeners listening probably nobody's listening at this point no they are they are okay and I think listeners listening we're very close to finishing

yeah yeah um please stand by yeah so uh we're going to have the um the speeches now what is our award again what are we actually getting we're going to become members of elite oh okay then we can live in this moon palace it's an initiation initiation kind of ceremony we can control the banks then in hollywood oh i'm looking forward to it we're really going to be things are really starting to look up for us yeah i think we're going to kill ourselves 20 minutes ago wow and now we're literally in the moon base with the reptilian elites yeah we're to control

Hollywood in the banks. I don't even need that Korean film like I don't even need Parasite 2 I'm not even like I was worried about having a collection of child porn but now I'm with the elites yeah you're gonna love me I'm gonna be the toast of the town you're gonna be like you know a house party someone shows up with coke

that's what you're gonna be like I got a bag of child porn yeah yeah who wants a sniff just take turns in the bathroom I would know the door open wheeh whey and the door closes okay I'm going to so everyone's here it's a big cathedral

okay I'm going to give my speech first you go ahead just get my throat sorry my stomach's a bit block because the lit candles so much wax in my anus ladies and gentlemen

thank you so much for taking two lonely astronauts who were just about to end it all and welcoming us into your heart it really means a lot a lot and thank you so much for allowing us to control the banks and to use people as objects that's always been a dream of mine yeah and um thank you for being so inclusive of um you know

even though it's a racist organization you are so inclusive because we're white yes yeah and i want dedicate uh the speech and this little reward i've got it's a you know like a world's best dad mug It's like that was world's best reptilian pedophile Yeah

Yeah World's best Reptile Pito Yeah I want to dedicate this to all the people who died in the

Challenger including that teacher I hear she was a very bad teacher She wouldn't let kids

have chewing gum during class I'm being played off Oh no they've got that little thing for like getting sheep

Okay that's my time Thank you I would also just like to dedicate this award to Sean Weiss. He played Greg Goldberg in the Mighty Ducks franchise

he's fallen on hard times and is now a crack addict. Get better Greg, we love you. Or Sean or whatever he's called. Be more like Jussie. Yeah, Jussie Smolet. That's a guy he took the world by the balls. Okay, thank you so much for this award.

Good night. Thank you everyone. What's that? Give it back. Why? What? It's because of the statement about the guy for Mighty Ducks. He was very funny in the Mighty Dog. Give me that. Give me that. You don't understand.

No. No, please. What? They've got sticks. Oh no. We're being chased out. By Greg. Run.

We're getting the ship. Get in the ship. It's the entire cast of the mighty duck. Oh no. Oh no. Justy Smallette's getting attacked by some black, some white guys, wink, wink. Maga hats. They're boring bleach on him.

He just wanted to go to subway. Nigerians with white face. All right. Good back at the rock. ship, back, back. Fly off, fly off. Oh my God, that was crazy. Oh my God, that was...

That really took a turn. I didn't know how divided the reptilian overlords were on the actor that played Goldberg from the Mighty Dogs. Yeah, yeah. That was a divisive issue. Which is ironic.

Well, Goldberg, obviously he's parody to the United. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. Unless he kicked him out because have you seen pictures of him lately? He does not look good. That's what he wants you to think.

Oh, well, he had me hood with it. Well, you see, I used to be, that used to be one of my hosts. oh yeah yeah i used to jump between him and val kilmer yeah i'm a mystical being but anyway i think um why don't we just go to mars and end at all you know what we're going to set a course to mars and i think we're going to leave it for this episode of the podcast

and if you want to see if we make it to mars you're going to have to join us for next episode which might come about in a year depending on how this one yeah depending on what people think of this Please leave us a review on astronaut.com People are going to hate this I can tell No, no, they'll love it Well, it's all real

You can't deny it Can't deny it We are in space right now In Glasgow Prove it, prove it Prove other ones Yeah Anyway, that's been the end of the astronaut podcast

My name's Noel Armstrong And I don't really remember what my name was James Armstrong James, just one with my dad Daddy is Nile and is actually the long-lost son of James or whatever the fuck my character's name is find out next time on

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