Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 84 : Malice with Alec Baldwin

Episode Date: September 12, 2020

We gonna steal your ovaries........

Malice, it's Bill Pullman Alec Baldwin and Nicole Kidman All right there and it's them getting up to adventures Yes And look I could Google

Who directed it All right But I've forgotten Okay I don't care That's not important The only important bit Of the information to know

Is that one It's written by Sorkin Our and Sorkin Our friend My good buddy Yeah I'm a fan of the show Yeah

a writer of West Wing which I've been rewatching a little bit Oh yeah It's fun Are they doing a reunion or something They're doing something like that

Yeah Yeah Like all in the family We all team up To vote for Joe Biden Yeah I think they're doing Some reunion Some of the episodes now

It is funny Like the The change of tones Like I watch The season 6 premiere Yeah And it's Martin Sheen

Trying to do A peace deal Between Israel and Palestine Okay That's the A story and then the B plot is that one of the staffers is eating too many donuts I think you talked about this before did you

yeah yeah not on the podcast this sounds familiar yeah but he's just running around and he's trying to like eat a secret donut and a woman comes in like oh you stop down he's like rats rats yeah and then also like

the Jew would be wiped out winning okay so malice yeah okay important important what's the PTSD no PSA PSA important PSA

do not watch this film Malice Ever It's not that entertaining really Okay I just got a lot of entertainment out of it Because I'm a weirdo Yes And I enjoyed this type of thing

But most of you people listening Will not enjoy it And you do not need to have watched Malice To enjoy this episode Okay Don't be one of those guys Like no I'm a completionist I'm gonna

Yeah I'm gonna say it true Yeah yeah I don't want to turn people off I don't want people like Oh no this is another Crimson Tide episode Crimson Tide is great That was a great episode Yeah yeah That's what I'm gonna be a great episode

So don't be like Oh no I won't get the references You don't need to You don't need to If I go like Let's say Okay spoiler Okay let's say

If I say Alec Baldwin steals Nicole Kidman's Overeys Yeah That should be enough for you And don't watch the film Thinking that's going to happen

And that is also A lot of people Don't realize Commentary on the Israeli-Palestine conflict Yeah yeah Yeah, Sorkin, very, very clever in his writing. Pretty much anything I ever see, I just like, oh, that's, that's Israel and Paliside, that's what they're going after there.

When you see a McDonald's commercial in the 80s, you see the hamburger, you're like, oh, oh, what's he taken? Does Ronald look circumcised to you? Okay, what I'm saying is, so he does steal her ovaries in it. Okay. But it's more entertaining me talking about than you seeing it. Okay, I would imagine so. Okay, so let's start off at Malice. Yeah.

Okay, so happy couple, we start off with a happy couple. Bill Pullman and Nicole Kidman. No, this was the 90s. Oh, yeah. Nowadays, it probably would be two of them. Yeah, and Alec Baldwin would be black. It would be Alec Baldwin and Stephen Baldwin. Yeah, yeah.

And we all know who's the bottom. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. So Pullman and Nicole Kiddellman. Kidman. Or the couple. Yeah, happily married,

newlyweds, okay? Remember that? Well, Pullman's definitely a good bit older than Nicole Kidman. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. You know, I read a review about this that was written like years later. Yeah. And it was like, oh,

after the Me Too movement watching this film has proven very problematic. Okay. Because before Me Too, it was okay to steal a woman's ovaries. Yeah,

it was grand. It was banter. You know? Haven't you ever seen jackass? Yeah. This is what guys do. Like, 2015, okay, you know, you're having a few points with the lads, okay?

You see a bird in the booser, down the boosie with the legs, oh, there's a nice little bird, oh, oh, and you just go at her with like a ice cream scoop and a, you know. A fucking machete. There's only a butter knife as well, so you got to really hack in. You steal her ovaries and you're like, oh, women can't take a joke. That's why women aren't footy. Yeah. Can't steal their overs?

Yeah, but anyway, this article was like, oh, isn't it disgusting that there was like a 15 year age difference between Pullman and Kidman? Isn't that disgusting? And I was like, I'm going to look up this writer because I was like, hope he gets me-toed.

Yeah. That'd be so funny, it turns out he's dead. Ah. Didn't go into why. The natural me-toot. You got metude by life. By God. That's whenever someone gets killed,

I'm like, oh, look, they got me-tude. even like when my grandfather died he got me too that's what he gets yeah that's what happened that wasn't at lung cancer okay so uh they're happy married couple all right yeah and uh pullman's doing well for himself he's the dean oh the dean of a very uh prestigious yeah upper class prestigious white college okay i'm glad that you put that in there

There's very few black people in this film. Again, it was the 90s. It was the 90s. Black people hadn't been invented yet. Well, there were a few prototypes, I believe. Delirious by Eddie Murphy. That was a bit of a test run. Yeah, they tested a few, okay.

They made Jordan. They're like, that's too good. Let's dial it back. We know what, we know what? A race of super humans. Okay, so he's the dean of the college. You think that should be a cool, cushy job. Sure, yeah.

just signing old papers in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turns out it's a rapist on the loose. Ah, what? Yeah. In a college? Yeah. No.

Yeah, the kill surprise. The ghost of Brock Turner. Even though he's not even dead. That's how sneaky he is, okay? Yes. But yeah, so there's a rapist on the loose. Right. They don't, like, raping, like, coeds?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the very first, one of the very first scenes in the movie is a woman being like, do, do, do, do, do. And she walks into her, like, her student gaff, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the rapist comes in. Okay. So he must have had a key.

Oh. Yeah, that's one of the police are investigating now because they're like, oh, the rapist must keep, he keeps getting the student gaffs, okay? Okay. Not breaking in. Right. So they're like, oh, he must have a key. He must have access to the dean's office.

Oh, why, does the dean have access to all the student gaps? The dean would have all the keys. That, uh, hmm, that was the 90s. That's problematic in and of itself, isn't it? Okay. Okay. Yeah. The dean needs the reward.

well he's just charged that college for the good of his health he's got to get his yeah yeah yeah it's got to be something in it for old dean look you can't get tips okay no no so you need something else and revalute hadn't been invented yet so he needed something so one the girls okay is violently attacked and do we see this assault we don't see the actual rape but we see him like coming down at her and and like is he in a mask or what do we see of him I forget. I think it's like

the way it's shot you see like arms coming out of someone okay coming at a poor girl and one of the students okay is like attacked so hard

you need surgery okay enter Alec Baldwin yes Alec Baldwin looking amazing yeah what year is this

is this is pre or post Glen Gary Glenn Ross this is post this is not pre Glenn Garrett I mean that's peak Baldwin right there

this is like this is like this is like Like, he hasn't even My daughter needs surgery. I'm the guy in the fucking $40,000 Rolex. No, he plays it like that.

Really? Yeah, he plays it like he's the king. Okay. So I'll give you an example. Okay. So we first seen him. He's only been in the hospital 20 minutes. Okay.

They're like, uh, this is your new job. We're going to be head of surgery. Ding, ding. Oh God, a girl's being raped. She's like, eh, looks like it got here just in time. Okay. And like he's like, you know, fixing her up, okay.

And like, does someone are like, uh, nerd? in the operating room being like I don't think you should do that it's like he gives him a look and keeps doing it and afterwards is like hey I don't mind you criticising me

or give me advice outside of the operating room but if you compromise or criticize me in front of other people in that room I will rip out your fucking lungs like he's like that okay alpha dog

he is alpha dog okay and he is oozing sex This is leading man Could have played Batman Yeah, this isn't 30 Rock Like, guys, a bit overweight But you'd still fuck him Baldwin

This is peak Baldwin Yeah, yeah This is Bessinger Baldwin Oh yeah Were they banging at this point? Before Bessinger stole his essence Yeah That's what women do

That's what they do Well don't worry Alec Baldwin's gonna steal something from her Yeah, he's got a trick up his sleeve He learned it from Sorkin So anyway, okay, look So he's just walking out of the hospital now. He's like, fucking, yep, saved another life.

Yes. I'm fucking, I'm the fucking big daddy dog in this hospital, okay? Yeah. And then he meets Bill Pullman, because Bill Pullman's a dean, so he's obviously going to check up on the students. Yeah. Who's just been raped, okay? Sure, yeah.

And he's like, Bill Pullman's like, hey, we went to high school together, remember? And Alec Baldwin's like, do I remember? They went to high school together? Yeah. Isn't Pullman like a good bit older? Hey, don't question it. All right, all right.

Yeah, yeah. It's not important We went to high school together Yeah yeah Yeah Bill Pullman got held back 14 years in a row I just can't figure it out Okay yeah

So Alec Baldwin's kind of like Yeah you're the little nerd I used to pick on And Pullman's like Yeah that was me That's me So how's things I'm the dean

Somebody got raped Yeah Not going well Yeah Okay cool We'll get a drink some time And then Pullman's like

Actually me and my wife have just moved into a new place and the house is too big and we've got a free room. Do you want to come stay with us? What? Yeah. That's weird. Well, pay rent. That's even weirder. Yeah.

Why, he's like a head of surgery he's like a hot shot and he was his bully in high school. It's like do you want to come live with me and my wife was like, no, are you mental? Yeah. My newlywed wife. Okay. And it is funny the relationship because

like he's like yeah come on come on and the wife's like you did what you invited in this guy who you admitted bullied you yeah to live with us he's like yeah honey yeah he's great he's he's alec Baldwin look at look at his fucking face okay Nicole Kidman immediately is not into this okay okay um to make it even worse okay Pullman is just telling Alec Baldwin the most personal stuff really like he's like yeah mean me and the wife can't have kids probably something wrong with our fucking insides. Oh Jesus. Yeah

he's proper like, yeah, we've been trying to have kids but we can't have it and the doctor reckons it's something to do with her. Okay. Yeah. And you know, fucking Baldwin's like Hey, why don't have a look at her? Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. It's in his first rodeo. Yeah. And Nicole Kidman's like, get this freak away from me.

Okay. Let me look at your ovaries. Yeah, yeah. I won't do anything. I'm a doctor. Yeah, just a little peek, a little taste. A little beak, boo, I see you. Yeah. So, immediately, Alec Baldwin is not a good roommate. Okay.

Like, bear in mind, okay, he's head of surgery. Yeah. Okay. The first night there, he's blaring music, and he's brought back some random girls from the bar. And he's just banging her, okay? Really? Yeah, yeah. And literally...

With the door open? No. But literally, it's like him banging some random girls from the bar from the bar. bar. I think he's like drinking a fucking bottle of whiskey or something like that. While he's bagging her. He's wearing sunglasses and a backwards baseball cap

and they're like they're playing Judas Priest or something. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. Yeah, okay, so he's doing that. And then it cuts to Nicole Kidman and Bill Pullman sitting there like in the bed being like, he's been fucking her for six hours.

Oh my God. No, not exactly. They say like it's been two hours. Yeah, yeah. Sure he's going to get tired eventually and Pullman's like Not believe me I've seen what this guy can do Yeah yeah yeah yeah So it's really pissing off

Nicole Kidman sure yeah But then Pullman's like hey I know what will Cheer you up a bit of loving From the Pullman So they start like Getting a little bit frisky in bed Sure yeah

And we actually see Kidman get up on top Okay Of Pullman and we see ass And some side boobs Nice Now apparently A lot of the sex scenes

In this were written Without Sorkin's permission Oh really? Yeah They were like Do a fucking sex scene Yeah sure Yeah

Well maybe we have a sex scene Where to talk as well And that could enhance the story And the guy was like Fuck you You fucking Jew If you are Jewish Don't even know

But you sound Jewish Wait so he wanted like a big long Like a walk and talk scene But it's just like a fucking talk Like Yes Mr President There's really conflict

yeah martin sheen's walking around but also getting sucked off somehow okay so listen okay so they're getting frisky in the bed and that's normal for a newlywed couple okay to get a little bit frisky but listen to this okay the windows open okay and there's a little boy next door playing piano and watching them wow okay so this apparently this is every night he plays piano while his mother goes off to work nightship okay okay and and you know Nicole Kim's like we should pull the curtain yeah and and Pullman's like nah let him watch yeah yeah Jesus give him something to fantasize about got Liberacci over there in the piano yeah yeah now you see how a real man does it the full man yeah yeah so anyway um to get back to the story okay um also okay no you like Alec Baldwin doesn't even like has no like regard for like roommate etiquette

like he's walking around fucking barely barely covered okay tight little shorts alright right right he's always bringing back these girls and just walk around naked

bar whores yeah yeah like these like ditzy girls are drunk are like who where's the bathroom and they wander into like the wrong room yeah they go into the closet yeah yeah

and then you hear a toilet flush you're like whoa that doesn't make sense what's going on Nicole Kidman's just like whoa Yeah, yeah. She's like, yeah.

Okay, and also, okay, remember I mentioned before, Nicole Kidman couldn't have kids? Yeah. She's got, like, ovary problems, and they keep giving her the aches, okay? Okay. So, like, let's say she's, like, you know, talking to Alec Bob, and she's like, you sure do like to bring back your guests and I, you know, trying to, like, give him a dig. Yeah, yeah. She's like, oh, no, my ovaries.

And she, like, clutch her, like, wherever her ovaries are, okay, and be like, oh. Yeah. And Alec Baldwin would be like, you. okay and she'll be yes I am don't how dare you ask I just I just scream in pain sometimes okay mind your business

it's a woman thing yeah don't mansplain me okay so anyway back to the back to the college okay yeah so Bill Pullman he's back working as dean okay and he's got one real troublesome student

one real pain in his side okay guess who it is Gwynet Paltrell really in a very early role Wow Yeah, okay And she's playing this kind of student And she doesn't give a fuck about Academia or anything

She's like You know, Pullman's like You know, you've missed your last three exams She's like Yeah, whatever man Okay Yeah, my alarm clock Didn't go off

Yeah In the 90s She talks like She's like a beatnik From the 50s Hey, it's a real cool scene Daddy yo I'm just kicking it with the jazz kids

You ain't know nothing about it Square Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Pullman's like, you know what? You'll need an alarm clock. I'm going to call you half seven. Right. I'm going to get you up for that exam.

Okay. Whether you like it or not. Already, this is breaching, you know, codes of conduct here. I'm going to call up to student myself and get you out bed. Don't give me your number. I already have it. And the key. And the key.

Okay. So Pullman is like. like perfect. She's not going to miss this exam. Yeah. The next day, she misses it. Right. Pullman's like, oh, this piece of shit fucking Gwinnett Paltrow. Okay. So he goes over to her place. Yeah. Oh. Oh, no. Door open. Door slightly a jar. Cree.

Hello. Gwyneth Paltrow. It's me. Bill Pullman. Cut. He keeps using the real names. Cut. I don't understand. My name's Bill Pullman. I'm not the deed of any college. This doesn't make any sense. He's like, can't I be an actor in this? Can I actually bang Nicole Kidman? No.

Okay. Okay, so it's like, hello, Guinepaltrow, where are you? The place seems like there was a bit of a scuffle here. There's no one in the house. He was slightly expisional dialogue. Why would he say that out loud? This was early Sorkman. Oh, okay, I see.

So then he walks out outside of house. house and he sees the bushes and there's like a foot sticking out he's like a foot sticking out of the bush oh I'll come back later he's like Paltrow get out of bush

you crazy kids always hanging out in the bushes yeah Paltrow's like no man this is where we kick it homie yeah yeah yo I'm in the bush man but yeah it turns out she's been raped and murdered

ah yeah A siren went off Just as you said that They heard it Perfectly timed Yeah So and guess who's the fucking Main suspect now

Who Bill Pullman Oh of course Yeah It's like Why were you there Yeah Yeah

He's like Cause I like Waking up my students Yes Especially when they look Like Gwyneth Paltrow There's not Suspicion

I have the key To her house already Don't know You'd misunderstand She was in my office Yesterday And I was yelling at her Yeah

Because she just made me so angry So I think you'll understand Funny if he was like Did I tell you my Me and my wife For having trouble conceiving He just can't stop telling people about it She's got dodgy ovaries

I wish someone would take him out Okay So he's been arrested So Pullman's in the police custody now Right right yeah And at the same time Nicole Kidman Her ovaries pop

Her ovaries pop Well no sorry one of them pop Can ovaries pop? Well something goes wrong with them Okay And she proper collapses Okay Like they rupture or something

They rupture, yeah. I mean, I really don't know enough about, you know, medicine or femininity to really say, if this is accurate or not. One of them goes, yeah. One of her ovaries has its period. Is that what's happened? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, one of her ovaries starts PMS. Yeah, one of her ovaries gets hysterical.

And Alec Baldwin's got to get in there, pull it out, and start slapping it around. Hey, darn face. And then the ovary goes, thank you, I needed that. Okay, so look, they bring her into the hospital, okay? I think, like, her friend finds her or something like that. Right, right, right, right. Bring her to the hospital, Alec Baldwin's there. Yes.

And he's got to do the surgery. Okay. So he's doing the surgery, okay? And he's like, oh, it's over, he's fucked. They've got to take it out. But then he finds, like, he's checking a scan. There's actually twins in there. What?

Twins. She's pregnant? Yeah. What? With twins. Yeah. Okay. He's like, oh, no.

But I got to take the ovary. Twins. Yes. I got to. sexy It's twins Yeah I gotta take

That is like the ultimate Form of paedophilia Predophilia banging them while they're still in the wound Oh she's still a zygote Yeah Yeah So

Poor old Bill Pullman finds out about all this In police custody And they Oh also I should mention He's got a good Repetpoor Rapport

Rettat Tat He's got a good He's got a good Michael Rappapobor He's got good banter with the main police chief.

Okay. He's a woman. Okay. They have a good bit of banter. Yeah. Okay. So she's like, look, your wife's having a fucking, you know. Yeah.

You know, woman's problem. Her ovaries gone tits up. Yeah, yeah. Your wife's having a bit of a problem in the hospital. I'll let you out for this, okay? Standard police procedure. So he runs over and Alec Baldwin's like, listen, I got to take out one of the ovaries. Okay.

But this is going to kill the twins. All right. Okay. And it'll pull. moment's like, yeah, of course. And so I... How does he react to the fact that she was pregnant in the first place?

He's just like, oh, this is, what a week. Am I right, Alec? Oh, my God. Cut! He's using the real names again. God damn it. Yeah, okay. So he's like, oh, what a week? Yeah, sure.

Cut him over. Cut him out the twin. You're the boss. You're the doc. Wow. Yeah, I'm going to let my high school bully cut on my wife's over. it's everybody's dream

imagine that it's like let's say like they were kids and he was like you know like he gave him like a a wedging and he's like could it get any worse that's the ultimate bully to grow up and you kill his unborn children

nice yeah yeah what a prank what a goof it was a goof bro so Alex Baldwin goes back into the operating room and he's doing the operations okay like that and you remember the nerd who was like I wouldn't do that if I knew you

sure Alec Baldwin's like Actually we got to take out the other ovaries well Oh And the nerd's like why He's like don't question me Okay Yeah

So and then he takes out the other ovaries Now Nicole Kidman's got I don't like the look of that pancreas Better take it out too The lungs, liver Tits Everything I just I lost a suitcase at the airports

Now I need a replacement You know So she just hollows her Out Nicole Kidman Yeah. Okay. So he does the full surgery and then immediately everyone's like, why do you take out that other ovary? Yeah. It's like, don't question me. All right. And he's that like a tribunal. Don't you ever question me is like, that's literally the reason we're here. That's why we're doing this. Yeah, okay. Tony Blair should have said that at his tribunal. Don't you ever question me, you son of a bitch. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, go ahead. So afterwards, after surgery, everyone's pissed to Alec Baldwin. Okay. Okay. Nicole Kidman especially is pissed. Oh God

First he moved into my house Left his dirty laundry In the hamper And now he took out both my ovaries So Nicole Kidman wants to sue him Okay And Paulman's just like going along with He's like yeah okay

I'll guess we'll sue him Oh I mean if you feel you need to Yeah Okay Okay Right And so they have As you said they have a deposition

Yes Okay And they ask him Because they do a bit of research On Alec Baldwin to try and dig up some dirt. Sure, yeah. Okay, like that.

Wanting, the night of the surgery, he was drinking. What? Yeah, yeah. Wait, the night of the surgery? Yeah. They did it at night? Yeah. What, surgery happens at night?

Well, it was an emergency? No. No, I'm sorry. I mean, I've been going along with this film up until now, but this is just, it's bizarre. It's kind of her fault for having it that hour. Exactly, yeah, yeah. At that inconvenient hour. Obviously, he's, you know, he's a little bit grumpy and tired.

and sure he's been boozing it up, you know, knocking back a bit of grandpa's old cough medicine, huh? Yeah, yeah. Some lean. But anyway, okay, so he was drunk. And we see a scene of him in the bar drinking and his proper, like, another round on me! I'm going to go cut out so bitches over, yeah. Talk about happy hour, am I right, Gil?

Yeah, so everyone, the bar has seen it. Right, okay. There's no deniability. And also, they talk to some of his old teachers, like medical teachers. Right. And they're like, yeah, he was good. he had a real ego. Okay.

The word they use is God complex. God complex. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So, in the deposition, the lawyer who's on Nicole Kidman's side. Yes. It says, like, a lot of people have said that you've got a God complex. You don't like to follow the rules.

And he's like, you say, I've got God complex. You say, I've got a God complex when a man goes in the church. Okay. And praise that his wife doesn't die. or his daughter doesn't die. Is he praying to God or is he praying to me? Let me tell you, buddy, I am God. He says that.

Wow. With that kind of level of intensity, yeah, yeah. No further questions, Your Honor. Yeah, yeah. So then, like, the people on like... I really shouldn't have said any of that, should I? The people in Alec Baldwin's side are like, oh shit. That doesn't look great.

May I approach the bench, Your Honor? So they find the reach a settlement. Okay. Two million. Two million. Or something like that, maybe three or four million. Right, okay. Because the twins, they get extra.

Right. Okay. Okay. And because of two ovaries. Right. Yeah, I mean, it's a package, you know. Yeah, he took out quite a lot there. Okay.

So the deal is Nicole Kidman gets a huge amount of money. Right. Like a huge amount. A chunk of change. And Alec Baldwin can't be a doctor anymore. Okay. Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

Stripped of his medical license. Yeah, yeah. Okay. He's just an old slob like us. Yeah. but incredibly handsome good looking and yeah

so this and this okay so uh bill pudman's like here this is pretty swell you know wait so whatever happened to

the old rapist problem we'll get to that we'll get to that oh okay I would love did have just sorking just like

ah forget about it bored of that film's over yeah just don't come back to it at all we got to kill off Gwynipaltrow

yeah that's all that's all I want yeah okay so anyway Okay, so Bill Pullman's like, here's pretty swell we get some spending money here, a couple of mill

Yeah, you know, all you did was lose your ovaries, okay? And Nicole Kidman's like, you gave him permission to take my ovaries. I'm sorry, but I can never be in the same room

as you again. I'm leaving. Okay. And she leaves. She leaves. So Bill Pullman's like, oh, fucking hell, what an awful.

Oh, God. Oh, an awful time I'm having. This is, yeah. So he goes back this is true. He goes, back to his office now, the Dean's office, okay? Yeah. And he's like, oh, God.

And we still haven't caught this rapist, okay? It could be anyone. And then in the background, the janitor, oh, okay. Listen this, okay. The janitor is played by Tobin Bell. Tobin Bell. Who plays Saw. Oh, that guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he is looking full Tobin Bell. Yeah, it's like, well, still never caught the rapist, did you? I bet he's too smart for you. I hear he's got a big dick. Yeah, yeah. I want to play a game.

Or I fuck you in your ass without consent. They only introduced the janitor right in the scene again. Yeah, right then. I was like, I never caught the rapist, didn't they? Only a few people have access to the keys, wouldn't they? You go like that. And, you know... You're right, Tobin Bell.

Cut! Oh, all right, stop it. Comedy comes in threes. That was the third time I mentioned it. No, I'm done. Give it time. Okay. Give it time.

All right. Wait another 20 minutes. Okay, so Tobin was the... Yeah, Tobin was like, well, I guess they never caught the rapist. And Pullman's like, yeah, yeah, you're right. Anyway, time to go home. But as he's going home, I think that he noticed, like,

a flickering light, and he's like, one of the light bulbs is broken. He's like, oh, God, another bad thing in my life, okay? But then he sees the janitor's little office, the door's kind of like half open. Slightly ajar. This guy's not good at closing doors. Yeah, I've noticed.

See? Notice, yeah, okay. See, this is like sorking is the big books. Yeah, they'll tell you, you know, whew. So, Pullman's like, oh, I'll just walk into the office. You know, not to go too off the beaten track, but really, being a janitor isn't like opening and closing doors, a big part of your job description. Yeah. This guy's dropping the ball.

This guy, in multiple ways, is awful. I mean, he is a more negligent janitor than Alec Baldwin was a negligent surgeon. Yeah, yeah. Without a, go on. Okay, so he opens a door a little, and it's like, huh, not on suspicion, this janitor's office. Oh, a lot of like locks of women's hair I mean, he's

I'm not familiar with the custodial arts I'm not sure what it entails Maybe he needs all this hair Maybe it's his culture Yeah What do they eat Yeah, janitors, what do they eat

They're a different race Yeah, yeah Different skulls They're genetically predisposed To enjoy cleaning things. Yeah. Okay, so he's like, oh, this is odd.

And all this locks of hair and like bloody gloves and stuff. Really? Yeah, yeah. And then the janitor goes like, is there a problem here, Dean? And, you know, Bill Pullman's like, oh, no, I was just admiring your office.

Well, I must leave now. And, you know, Janer's like, well, I can't let you do that now, can I? Then they get into a fist fight, okay? Oh, okay. Bill Pullman beats up Tobin Bell. Yeah, yeah. and, you know, that's the end of the rape subplot, basically.

Oh, really? So they catch him and, like, oh, you know. He beats up Tobin Bell, okay, and they bring him into the police station. And the female detective is like, oh, by the way, we took a sample. Remember we took a sample for seamen, the test, you know. You did? What? Yeah, I forgot to mention.

That wasn't in my contract. Was that when I had the nap? Okay, I forgot to mention they took a semen sample. Oh, yeah, it's a seamen sample. Yeah, yeah, because he was suspect. Yeah. They're like, yeah, we... God, it must have been hard to get it up for that, you know?

It's like, okay, we need your semen because we think you're a rapist. Here's some porn and a little plastic cup. All right, awesome. Oh, but they're like, here's a book about consent. Whoa! Yeah, that's their punishment. Yeah, I can't get it up.

Yeah, I can't get it up. Actually, they're in the college at the moment, because college is back, it's coming back. Okay. They're really pushing these cartoon characters to tell people about. consent. So different cartoon characters represent bad boyfriends. So like there's

multiple text Simon. Multiple text Simon. Yeah, yeah. He just keeps texting it. It's like, where are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why won't you get back? Or like, don't hang out with your friends, Eric. Okay. Yeah, they're all like different like examples of bad boyfriend. Yeah. Multiple text, Simon. Don't hang out with your friends, Eric. Beat you within an inch of your life, Derek. Yeah, they're not exactly Mr. Men characters.

Mr. Grumpy There's no alliteration Which is denying, you know Yeah, okay Yeah, like if I was doing that, I'd be like, you know, uh, rapy Ricky

Uh, Water types of bad boyfriend Yeah, gaslight Gary Yeah, yeah That's a good one now, yeah Oh, Gary Oh, Gausie! Yeah

What, you mean, my mum's not dead Yeah, I don't know, I was how a gaslighting is, I mean, I've never done it That's good There you go now, It's good we have done tape Yeah, I got that recorded now

Your Honor I got that in the backpack Anyway, so they took a semen sample Right, Bill Pullman Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, we brought back Obviously you're not the rapist But it turns out you're infertile

What? Oh my God But twins Twins! How, what happened there, James? Oh, I don't know, well Yeah, yeah, okay So Bill Pullman's like

what the fuck so yeah Nicole Keatman was cheating on him was it Alec Baldwin's kids okay listen this this is so weird well it couldn't have been because like the only he only moved in like this is only being the space of a week that's how good he is yeah that's how good he is so this is Alec Baldwin we're talking about

this is so funny he actually goes to Alec Baldwin and goes like she tricked the boat of us let's go get her no he literally is like she shouldn't have got that money and Baldwin's like well I did take out her over he's you know Ah, I don't worry about that, come on. No, literally,

Alec Ballon's like, well, there were someone's kids, and I did kill someone's kids, so I still feel pretty bad about it when Pullman was like, no, fuck it, we got to get her. Yeah. I mean, why did he take out

the second ovary, though? Because, um, wait. We haven't got there, yeah. Okay, right, right, yeah. He's just like, don't question me. Okay, right. I'm God. I mentioned that before. I'm God.

Yeah, I told you. He's God. He's God, okay. So, like, proper, like, Baldwin has to calm down. He's like, look, look, you better off without her. She was a two-time and hussy. She was bad news, Jack. Yeah, look, you're the real winner here.

Sure, she's got, you know, three million dollars. Yeah. And you have to find a new janitor, but still. Yeah. Actually, I forgot to mention that when he meets up with Alec Baldwin, Alec Baldwin's like, because this is like directly, like, all this happens, like, it's based like two hours. Okay.

So it gets into a fight with a rapist. Yeah. Goes to the police station and goes to Alec Baldwin's house, okay? Right, right, right. And he's still got, like, a cut lip. Okay, from the fight. Yeah, Alec Baldwin's like, what happened to you? And he's like, sorry, I got to fight with a rapist.

And then... Mondays, right? And then Alec Baldwin doesn't go, like, what? He's like, oh, okay. Did I mention I'm God. Whiskey? Yeah. How about a bourbon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, Alex Baldwin calvin calms him down. Right, right. And Bill Pullman's like, oh, God, this is the worst thing ever. But then, okay, he gets, he finds out that Nicole Kidman's mother is still alive, even though Nicole Kidman previously had told him that the mother's dead. Oh, what? Yeah. So he's like, what?

And he goes to Nicole Kidman's mother's house. Yeah. And she's like, you trusted that bitch? Oh, I never trust my daughter. Apparently, she's a history of lying to men. Okay. And her move used to be Getting pregnant on purpose

Okay Right And getting money for the abortion And then getting the cheapest abortion Possible possible And keeping the rest of the money Oh wow Proper, you know

Money Fils and Horses type job You know You de Jweens Yeah Yeah Go to money You fucking Yeah

So that was her big thing She used to trick She used to use her feminine wild To trick How many abortions Can you have though before Well she did other things It wasn't just like

She had lots of like tricks Okay So that was one of her tricks Okay She's also just like You know Pretend Like oh definitely marry

Yeah And then like you know Take him for as much as he had She like getting like Gullible fools That's what the mother says Okay She like gullible fools

Like you Bill Pullman Okay All right And then she gives him The location of a beach house Okay That uh Kidman likes to hang out with

Right So Pullman goes over to the beach house Yeah He finds two people Okay Two people of passionately making love. No, I don't believe.

Nicole Kidman, Alec Baldwin. Turns out it was all a scam. God, why have you forsaken me? It was all a scam. So here's the scam. And this is like so clever, okay? Nicole Kidman, all right. Got pregnant with twins and then deliberately took these drugs that destroyed her over.

Jesus Christ Okay Okay Alright And then told Alec Baldwin To take out The plan was to take out One ovary

Okay But Kidman got greedy He was like no take up two of them We'll get more money Yeah take out two okay How did they meet initially Who knows They don't

Yeah Alright Alright Don't ask questions Don't ask questions Don't ask questions Hello Alec Baldwin You used to Bolly

My husband Isn't she Australian originally Yeah yeah that's a real fight that'd be like that'd be part of twist as well

she's like all right oh this bloody chaswack is gonna go fall up the didgerid

do okay all right so instead of like so Bill Pullman sees this

and he's like he's like peeking in the window he goes like oh no and he just puts his head back down again what a sim

yeah yeah he's a cook he's getting cooked all right and then we find out that fucking

Kidman's been the mastermind behind this whole thing okay like Alex Baldwin's like like, oh, I didn't want it. I lost my medical license. This is like... Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, come on, but the money, honey.

We got the sweet, sweet money. You don't need to be a doctor anymore. How much money did they get? A couple of mill. Yeah, it's really fuck all. Like, you know, compared to, I mean, he was the head of surgery. Surely he would make that... And he seemed to enjoy his job. Yeah, and be, he was good at him. Yeah. And he was banging lots of chicks as well. Yeah, yeah. And Nicole Kim was like, no, throw it all away. We'll get a couple of million.

Look out to the Bahamas. It's funny if it was like, yeah, we got a... Two grand. We're going to live off this forever, baby. I'm not good at Matt's. My uncle is an assistant director and home and away. Oh, he can get you apart as a grape. Yeah, yeah.

It'll be great. They got two grand and an Easton's book voucher. Okay. Okay. So, um, Pullman's like, what am we going to do here? So he leaves a letter for Nicole Kidman, me like, I know what you did. Meet me at this, meet me at our favorite restaurant. okay so they meet up at a restaurant

she goes to like a real fancy restaurant he's just sitting in a chucky cheese where is she she did it again yeah we really were not in common that's a red flag isn't it when you've got different restaurants that you like

okay so they meet up in a public place and you know Nicole Kim's like yeah sure I like you what do you expect okay I wanted the money okay what do you want and he's like isn't it obvious I want half He wants half the money

Okay She's like Why should I give you half the money Why don't I just kill you right now He's like Well let me tell you something If anything happens to me That little kid next door

Oh my God What? Yeah He tells me he saw you banging Baldwin Oh wow Yeah Wow So if anything happens to me

That kid's going to the police What the fuck? Yeah That's so weird I forgot about the little kid but wasn't Paul like Kidman was like oh let's close the curtains

Bill Paul was like nah let him watch yeah yeah yeah so so what that's it he's that's his big like that's his big plan yeah yeah

I got the creepy kid from next door he saw you cheating on me okay and the kids on my side right right this is this is dumb okay right

so Nicole Kidman's like well I know I'm going to do and she tries to get Alec Baldwin to kill the kid Alec Baldwin's like whoa whoa honey this is a little too much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One thing I lost my medical license, okay, and everyone thinks I'm an awful doctor. And I cut two twins out of the wound. Yeah, I kill two unborn children. Well, eight, repeal the eight. Repeal the eight. Doesn't count.

Yeah. Doesn't count? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Could those twins play the piano? I don't think so. No, no. In fact, I could get like some unborn kids and just like whack him off the wall.

It doesn't count. Okay, so. So, Alec Baldwin's not into it. Yeah, he's not doing it. He don't want to kill it. you gotta do it you gotta do oh you don't do it

and she slips in the Australian okay like that cute like little fucking cant slut his fucking fucking puff yeah

yeah and like Bob just slapped her like control yourself woman yeah yeah she's like

yeah I'll control myself and then she picks up a harpoon of course and kills them she has a harpoon just lying around

it's beach house oh okay beach house do have those things that's true yeah god I look I look like the fool

yeah every room in a house that's a harpoon yeah a harpoon you know one those little

fish that like it sings and yeah Billy Bass that's a yeah rolling on the river

yeah yeah okay so she kills Alec Baldwin right she's like oh if you need

something done right you gotta get a woman to do it yeah so she's gonna kill the kid

alright okay right right so it's night time I told you before the mother

it goes works works night shifts okay oh she's not gonna be the cop

shit? No, no, listen. Well, listen this, okay. So, Nicole Kidman. So, okay, the house, okay, we see the woman leaving, like, goodbye, Tommy, I got to go to my night shift job, okay? I left the window open for you so you can watch your neighbors bang. I know it's when your hobbies, stamp collection and pervin. Yeah, yeah. So she's like, goodbye, honey, have fun. This name's Tommy. Yeah. Peeping Tom. Oh, Sorkin you've done it Multi-level here Oh, this is Christopher Nolan shit Okay, so she's gone, okay

And then Nicole came and sneaks in With like fucking wire Piano wire Yeah, yeah, yeah To fucking cut his head off All right, like that So the little kid, she walks the room She's the back of the little kid

Playing piano, okay? She's like, oh, I got him Tip, tip, tipto, tipto, tipto All right Put the wire around, it's a doll Dahl Okay, I was kind of hoping it'd be built Pullman just like, I fooled you.

You're a 53 year old man. How did you think I was going to fall for that? It was a doll. It was a tape recording of piano. Yeah, okay? So she's like, blazes, what's going on? Blumenel, all right? And Alec Baldwin, sorry, no, sorry.

Bill Pullman shows up like, ha, I got you. Then they have a fist fight, okay? Oh, of course. They have a fist fight, and they fall off the stairs. I think it's like a tree story building. So they fall off the stairs and they fall down. onto a table, like wrestling.

Nice. Yeah, yeah. And then the mother comes back in, it's the cop. Ah, I know it. Yes, yes. It's the cop dressed up like a fucking 1950s nurse. You know, like the old... Yeah.

Yeah, like... Wait, so she's a cop and a nurse? No, sorry. The night shift was a nursing job. Yeah. Okay. But she's a cop and a nurse then? No, no, no.

The mother was doing a night shift. Oh, sorry. And the cop was pretending... Oh, sorry. The cop was pretending to be the mother. Oh, right. okay, right, right, sorry, all right, okay, I got you. That was my bad, it was my bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. So, you know, Nicole Kibman's like rats, you know. Filed, my perfect plan has been filed. Why wasn't it if it wasn't for their little piping tomb? Okay, listen to this, this is the big twist, all right? Oh, here we go. Am I ready? I'm ready.

I don't know. You're going to fall off your chair, okay? So she's being led away by the police. You're going on a long way, you evil bitch. Yeah. Okay. When a woman does. something she should be put in prison twice as long

as a man. Who says this? I said it. Okay. Oh, I'm just saying, like, they're all giving her shit, okay? Right, sure. Yeah, trying to ruin the good name of the dean. Yeah, yeah. Long live the dean, okay? Yeah, yeah. So then we see the real kid and the real mother. Yes. Okay. The door, they're in the car, okay.

The door opens. The kid's foot touches the ground. Then another foot. Then a stick. Okay. The kid gets out, blind. ah okay the kid was blind the whole time so he wasn't banging or watching them bang yeah yeah he was just playing piano listening to him bang okay it was actually ray charles uh little came ray charles is five-year-old child do the mess around everybody do the mess around yeah and then the coke him was like damn it filed by ray charles yeah that little b no okay okay so then

Bill Pullman's like sitting with the police detective and she's like how about me and you get herself a little drink they have a little bit of a flirty scene and then like uh yeah let's get some whiskey and then they walk off together and you're like they're probably going to bang yeah and the kids gonna listen to it they're going to cure the kids so we can watch it

and then it says the end okay and that's chin mark no and that's the end of the film wow I was very entertained by that I think I would have enjoyed that had I watched it. Yeah. You know, for the wrong reasons. Yeah. Well, the thing is like, there's a lot of scenes that aren't very entertaining in it.

But Baldwin's great. I think the problem is, after Baldwin dies, it's just like, whatever. It's like, oh, it's just Nicole Kidman being evil. To Bill Pullman. Yeah. But Bill Pullman, I think, is kind of the weak link in this. He usually is. He's very, I don't know what it is.

He just has a kind of a nothing. Yeah, even like the scene was like, yeah, sorry I got in a fight with a rapist. That wasn't meant to be funny Yeah, but it just is funny It just comes out with so weird Yeah Yeah, I'm trying to think of like Anyone else would be even better

Yes Anyone, you know, would have been great Like someone like, I don't know Harrison Ford Yeah Yeah Or someone like Literally any other actor

I think would be better But see Harrison Ford You know It'd be he'd be almost too good looking You're right You're right Because Alec Baldwin's got to be the Yeah

He's got to be like the beta Who's like Jack Lemon be too old who'd be a good who'd be a good kind of like 90s now 90s 90s who would be a good everyone I think of as too handsome

Yeah Kilmer Kilmer Michael Keaton maybe I tell you Keaton He won't perfect for this Because Keaton has good looks But not as good looking

As there's a clear You know Like between Alec Baldwin and what Or it's 90s So he could have gone Like maybe a comedic actor Getting a chance do something a little bit more serious

so who Robin Williams David Spade They cut my wife My wife's over He's out chief You know I think Robin Williams

It's actually too It's such as like That's the thing like It's a real non-roll So if you know Rob Williams Like why is Robin Williams Wasting his time with this?

I mean I never heard of this film It's not a big film at all No yeah Yeah It only came back to news recently Because Sorkin was talking about Like All the sex scenes you have to write

And they were like Just have them bang and he was like, can we not just have like maybe a little bit of like flirty banter first and then they bang? No. No, that's gay. Yeah. Just having bang. I want to see Kidman's ass. Yeah. You do see her ass, sorry.

Well, I mean, eyes wide shut. You see the whole The whole enchilada. Oh yes. I've seen everything. I've seen it all. So that's, uh, that's malice. Malice. Well, I enjoyed your telling of it. Yeah. I think everyone else will as well. Yes. I can't

What time we are At 48 minutes Yeah Should we just end it Instead like stretching out Sure Yeah we'll just end it there Yeah

We should tell people We've got some good episodes Coming up Yes we do We got We're gonna have a Patreon episode coming up Where I'm gonna get

Into some like Real Patreon stuff You know what I mean I like it I got some Let's just say I've got some Stories

Yeah About a guy Who Possibly Killed a German Man all right yeah i mean yeah so that's why you pay your money i've got some sex stories you're the master of suspense brian people are like oh i must find out

yeah i had some sex stories uh some uh hot takes that are we're too scared to talk about okay yeah all right the issues of trans racialism oh yes that is a hot button that's a hot button that we will talk about oh that's a hot potato yeah oh my i can feel the heat i'm getting scared i feel like if I mentioned transracialism, just a little sniper, a little red dot up here on my head, and we're like, uh-oh,

take it, take the shot. Yeah, Nicole Kidman trying to slip my throat. Steal my ovaries. We also have James Moran coming up. Yes, James Moran. Host of the Celtic Ligers podcast.

Yes, yeah. And B-side comedy back when gigs were a thing. Yeah. So he'll be on and talk about much smarter stuff than us. Yeah, he's big into his politics. He's going to drop some knowledge.

Yeah, yeah. Eggs of knowledge. he'll be talking about probably like a lot of protests and stuff like that okay so you ever hear about the demonims I have heard of it but literally only because I follow him on Instagram or hear about that liveroo driver oh yeah yeah I heard about that the guy who got knocked on I tell you now well no I probably shouldn't I'll say I'll save that for the Patreon cool yeah even more yeah

even more reason to subscribe no actually I'll just say it like this because it really not that big deal someone that you and I both know but I won't mention was in having lunch somewhere and there's a gang of young fellas sitting around and they were all like passing around a video and it's like, whoa, is he dead? And like then he could just kind of overhear things like yeah, yeah, yeah, they got rid of the car or whatever.

So and then like literally this is like the day that that story broke. So this guy that I know thinks he's sort of overheard not the people who are involved, but people who had videos of the incident and knew that was involved or whatever but I don't know if this is all this is a group of young fellows

and track suits in the city centre so there's real no way to... Well we'll put out... What do you call that put out description? We're on the case. Yeah, yeah, we're on the case. We're going to solve this. You know who probably did it?

The janitor. Yeah, it was Tobin Bell. I knew it. Yeah. But then there was like... They had like a kind of march or protest about it and they were walking down a lot of deliveroo drivers and stuff

and then like young fellas like just whatever to start throwing fireworks and bricks big fight broke out there's a lot of craziness surrounding this story of that guy who got knocked over well we'll talk about that all with James Morin yeah and also one final thing before we go big shout out

to Paul Marsh oh yes Paul Marsh who is a patron thank you so much Paul a patron he gave us some money so yeah cheers for that yeah we're gonna go around his house and you'll fix up a few things, you know. We'd make it worse.

He definitely knows how to fix things. I know, yeah. We just land up, like the Chockel brothers, to me, to you. Get out of my house. Just me and you will ladder. We're wearing dungarees. Yeah, yeah. And it's kind of like, okay, you two, paint that wall and be back in 20 minutes.

Sure thing, Mr. Marsh. Yeah, but instead of like... Yeah, but we just like put like a stick of dynamite and a tin of paint. It's like, hey, don't work hard. Work smart. And we're just like, you lose a leg. Oh, Mr. Marsh, we had a problem. Yeah, it's realistic tree stooges where it's like, just blood everywhere.

You're just in a wheelchair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you're in a coma and I have to like, you know, put a pillow over your face. That's a way, that's a waste of a good pillow. I just shove a sponge down your throat. I was just laughing there, the idea of like, one, the chuckle brothers is dying. Well, yeah, one of them is dead. Oh, really?

In real life, yeah. But, like, as he has to kill him with a pillow, and he's like, to me, to me, to me? To me? To me? To me? Oh, buddy, I'm going to miss you. Yeah.

Yeah. And then he's like, did you ever see the porno version called the Fuckle Brothers? No. No, it's not a thing. I just made it up. Oh. It'll be good, though.

We can make it. We can make it. We can make it. To me, to you. Yeah. Yeah. They're just, I don't know. Well, yeah.

Well, anyway, back to Paul Marge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for subscribing to Patreon. A great all-around guy. One of the coolest guys, I think, we've ever met. I'm a damn good comedian. I think he's like a DJ, fireman, paramedic. Comedian, he does a bit of surgery as well.

Yeah, yeah. He is Alec Baldwin in Malice. That's what we're saying. He can steal our ovaries anytime. Paul Marsh is like, I am God. And we're like, yeah, okay. Hey, hey, yeah. He's subscribed to the Patreon, I suppose.

Yeah, yeah. I am God. Yeah, that was a great scene. Okay. That scenes, like, I'd say look up that. scene on the peak of the film i might actually watch the film now just like yeah fuck it yeah for enjoyment yeah yeah yeah yeah watch it and but play this episode while you're watching i'll mute the yeah i'll mute the tv and just play this episode yeah that's how everyone should watch films

with the sound down and just our voices in the background i'll tell you what i'll tell you what if we make a hundred quids yeah off this uh podcast yeah i will make my own version of this film myself. Okay. I'll play all the characters. A Carlo Theatre Community Theatre production. Yeah, yeah. I'll film it on an old like some kind of camera. You still need

to put cassette tapes in. Yeah, or like a Super 8 film. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Super 8, okay. And I'll tape it over a snuff film. Okay. Okay, yeah. So I'll make it my, if we make 100 quid, I'll make my own version of malice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it'll be even sexier. You take a bank loan out

I'm making my own version of malice Don't ask me questions I am God I am God Alright let's end it there Bye guys Goodbye Goodbye