Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 87 : The 2 Johnnies Movie

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

Brian and James pitch a movie to the 2 Johnnies. This is a short one but a good one.

You know the way you say, like, to impress people, you go, like, I'm big in Japan. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That should be like an insult. It's like, oh, no, I swear I can do better. Yeah. Like, the two johnnies are big in Ireland.

Oh, good. Sorry. Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, they're great. I watched their show. Oh, yeah. To be honest, I don't know anything about the two johnnies. Never listen to them.

It's interesting, because I remember seeing the two johnnies. They were just guys on a wall. What wall? They're just guys on a poster. I was like, what are they? and they were like, oh, they're big in gah clubs. And I was like, oh, really? And then it's just a short amount of time they've risen up.

And now they're basically like, they're cult. You know what I'm like Joe Rogan's big in America? Yeah. The two johnnies are like that in Ireland. Suppose they are. They are pretty big. Like, I know a lot of people who are like, yeah, I listen to two johnnies. And, uh, that's it.

And one versatile song. And, uh, maybe if I'm feeling a bit wild. Yeah. I might watch, um, Fair City. Okay. But that's it. Like, that's, like, that's, like, that's, like, like, the two johnnies is where to get the news

two johnnies is where to get their opinions okay they don't know what to think unless the two johnnies that's kind of their touchstone of like uh the cultural zeit guys they wake up in the morning they're lost yeah where's the two johnnies yeah and then their their fucking carer has to like

come in oh oh I love the guy no just wipe your own ass today please I'm hung on no do the two johnnies do it the two johnnies do it two johnny's gonna wipe my bum yeah so they have to like play two johnnies like calm or down

okay yeah yeah yeah but they're so big like yeah so you watch their show right yeah they have the two johnnies do America license fee money yeah this obviously shot pre-COVID yeah okay yeah yeah yeah yeah so the two johnnies have stolen

the license fee money and have used it to travel around America okay so this is their first TV show right and they try and present themselves like this is mad run TV

and that's is that that's the whole two johnnies to America so the whole crux or gimmicks of the show is oh look at this now Jesus look at this

you wouldn't have this and Kerry yeah that's it that's the whole yeah I think they're from tape and limerick

oh really it's like Jesus this is mad even just the idea of like it starts off them the tower

okay they're like Jesus what's going on this is fucking huge it's like the spire but with

window that's fucking class yeah okay so they're like this is how to start to show off this is like cold open okay this building is fucking huge oh what's going on

here last time we saw something that big I was looking at your mommy yeah okay because that building's like my cock that's what I'm saying there I'm gonna cut off your head I'm gonna cut off your cock

I put it in that building okay so there's a little slide okay Okay. From the top story to the, uh, let's say it's 100 floors in the building. Yeah. There's a slide going from the 100 floor to the 99th floor.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. And there's a little bit of a glass bottom on the slide. Okay. So you can kind of see out, but you can see down. You can look at the skyline. Oh, you can see down while you're sliding. So it kind of looks like, oh, I'm a falling. Okay.

No, I'm not. It doesn't look very exciting at all. Okay. It looks very boring. It's the kind of thing that like a child would find scary. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a dumb child. Like an idiot child with no friends.

With diabetes. You can't wash himself properly. Always smells like McDonald's French fries for some reason. Although he hasn't eaten McDonald's in years. He's been banned from there, obviously. So like a child would find a scary, okay? And they're going like, oh, geez, we're going to go down the slide. And the other two join is like, I didn't sign up for this.

Ah, okay One of their days Johnny Watt and Johnny one And Johnny one and Johnny two Antideck Why I bet We're going down the slide Oh what do you mean

You've been drink driving again You fucking pillhead cunt So they go like Oh let's go down the slide Way So they go down the slide Okay Very boring

Very like Ah yay we're there They're at the top And they go to the bottom That's usually Yeah, okay, right. And they go, Jesus,

that's a great way to start the show. It's not. Dear RTE Commissioning Department. Lies. How I hate they, let me count the ways.

So then they have the intro, okay, to Two Johnny's intro is about, It's the two Joddies, the two Jannies, one plus one equals two. Now, listen to this, okay, it starts off

to walk around L.A. Now a lot of this is just like, we're in LA And just like shots of like Like you see in MTV in 90s It's like them moving the camera Close and far away from something And being like whoa

Okay So it's them walking around LA being like Jesus sure Well this isn't Kerry Look at the big buildings Isn't that class Yeah okay Or they just

They go into a more multicultural bar Who said you wouldn't get that And Kerry I'll tell you that Yeah okay Like you wouldn't allow that in limerick I'm happy I'm happy that your type isn't a loud walk around the street

you should be chipped Okay And you will be Yeah So they're walking along The cops The LAPD stop them okay They're like

What's going on here Do you have a license And he's like Ash your Jesus My producer would have a license Ha ha ha Okay the producer Get on the ground

Get on the fucking ground Motherfucker I ain't fucking with you Get down now Oh Jesus you wouldn't get that and carry. Yeah, okay.

So the producer comes over and they have the whole thing on film, producer comes over not an exciting at all, producer comes over, shows them a document and the cops like,

okay, fair enough. And then drives off. The driving off the one, two Johnny's goes like, big fans. Uh-huh.

A little bit, you know. A little bit of, had he seen the George Floyd video? Oh, yeah. I assume so. Yeah, I assume so.

Yeah, okay. Well, that was Minneapolis. I think Rodney King would be more applicable, Brian. You idiot! They probably don't know who Rodney King is. They'd be like, oh, is he related to burger?

Is he the hamburgler? Something like that, yeah. Okay. So, like, a lot of the documentary in the first episode is them just go to like, like, let's go to an Irish pub in L.A. Yeah. Let's see an Irish football team in L.A. Right.

It's kind of, kind of like dog shit Irish tourists. It's the most, like, just lowbrow common denominator pandering bullshit. Like the people will go to New York Okay, and like, let's buy a shamrock. Yeah, let's go to an Irish pub. Yeah. And just be like, oh, that's not the way we do it in Ireland. Yeah.

So you can watch the hurling in New York. Yeah, yeah. You know, they have to pay like $20 just to watch that fucking thing. Do they? If you want to watch the guy in like a pub in New York, it's like they charge like $20 a head. Wait. How?

Just like if it's a big game, whatever. Like the All Ireland finals, like you want to get in. It's like they'll sell tickets like 20 quits. Oh, because they can. That's the thing people will do it like, yeah. That's the thing, like they, you know, like the pub will like, it's like subscribing to, you know, the channel or whatever that's broadcasting it, whatever. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

It is. They're scamming Irish people, so I'm okay with it. Yeah, I'm fine with it. So they're having fun seeing Irish things, but they're like, okay, we're going to have to deal with, like, some bad stuff, okay? Okay. So they go to Compton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The two Johnny's go to Compton.

Okay, like that. And they meet a black guy who runs. a charity called Bikes Not Banging Bikes Not Banging Yeah, okay And it's For sex offenders Yeah

Okay, so it's a charity Okay And they try and show gang bangers Okay You know we like being in a gang Yeah Where you get to have a gun And feel powerful

Sure yeah And you get to bang chicks Yeah yeah yeah And do coke okay And drink in middle of the day And shoot people Yeah Okay

And just feel like Fucking like a god Yeah Like a god of the streets sucky like that that's not fun what's more fun is riding a bike around

the ring yeah yeah yeah so that's what this guy's charred I think he's some crazy Christian guy or something like that

okay yeah that's his charity is like to teach people that like the best thing you can do in the hood is cycle a bike is ride a little bike

around and wave okay and the two giants are like this is class fair plate you know fair play to you know fair play to Jesus

and then they they ask him questions about gang culture sure. And it's the most basic shit is like, sure, like, would you and the cops now, would you be having the crack together? Or Jesus, maybe you're wouldn't get down to towel, huh?

Or would you be going at each other like an inter-county final? Would you be going when hell is for letter, would you? Yeah, you'd be fucking thrown a few slight eggs, would you? Now they shot my mother in the face, yeah?

Oh, Jesus. Bantor? Bantor? Irish mamie. you know I tell you if the LAPD tried to shoot my mommy

she'd get the wooden spoon or she'd go after them serious now yeah yeah and like their questions are like sure like

we'll love them join gangs because of because of poverty yes sure and what about the trochera boxes does that not help

at all I'm not sure what you're lying there yeah okay so like they hang out with his gang and what probably happened is

they probably tried to they got like the least non-threatening black man sure yeah like they were like let's get someone who likes bikes yeah yeah like that because the two giants probably wouldn't go near anyone

of course not you're not actually going to go into like proper Compton and like you know start kicking it with the Piru bloods like they would just be like who the fuck are these paddywhack cunts yeah yeah and it's so funny like literally one stage

you're riding the bike around like ah Limerick limerick and some black guy just goes like limerick he goes are you from limerick are you like just so desperate like yeah and you guys like no you said limerick's like ah sure ha ha ha i know everyone limerick and you're not from limerick ha we wouldn't at you yeah the psychos off like ah ha so they go and meet they meet a black man okay and they get so excited from this they're like let's let's produce a rap video oh no really yeah wow so they go to some poor music producers like gaff or like studio okay

yeah yeah and they're like ha ha we're gonna start producing what hey alright that and you're just

fitting with buttons probably damaging everything okay they're just getting their sticky chocolate

covered fingers with all the buttons yeah yeah just drooling all over the place like okay like that

and this is like a make a wish foundation kind of things like we're going to make a rap

video yeah yeah so then like they have like this black guy is a little rap amazed by it

you made the words rhyme and all that's brilliant how'd you do that and then at the end he's like let's just drink and they drink

Patron okay all right and they go Cheers ha ha what is Patron is it like

you know what so it's like spirits like you know I've served it I've literally served it and I can't remember now what it is

like a rum or a whiskey or hey it's good it's good shit it's good enough for the two Johnny's

it's good enough for me okay yeah okay it's always in a nice bottle that's all I know. Right, right. Patron. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, um, they just drink that and you probably just ask them to leave. Yeah, sure. Could you please leave? Like, I don't know what fucking, uh,

Tipperary is. I don't want to know. Wait, so do they make a rap song or not? No, they just kind of fill it with the buttons and they get tired of it. Because they've probably got ADHD, so they move on to the next thing. Oh, turns out you actually have to be somewhat talented to make a music. They probably saw a bird in the, in the sky and like, let's follow that height. Is that from limerick too? Yeah, yeah. We have birds in Limerick. Yeah. And, uh, yeah, they kind of just kind of go around the nine people. And it's mostly Irish people.

They meet like, um, the L.A. Cougars. Who are they? Like, uh. They're like an Irish football team. Oh, as in. They do Gaelic. Oh, okay. In L.A.

Oh. All right. And one of the guys like won a fucking, I don't know, what you call it? Like a championship a few years ago. Right. So they talk to him. And is there like, is it big over there? No.

No. It's literally some guys meet up. Okay, right. Yeah, it's like a real amateur, just meet up. Oh, I see. They're all, like, fucking, they work in, like, accounting or ever, like. I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's funny, because they keep meeting these people,

and I really want to see, like, how their lives have been affected by COVID. Yeah. So it's funny, you think, like, a lot of people they meet. Probably dead. Yeah, probably kill themselves. After they met the two shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I didn't watch the second episode.

God is dead. God is dead. And the two genis have killed him. How will we console ourselves? I didn't watch the... So, like, the whole thing is I'm going, like, Jesus, ha, ha, ha, okay? Yeah.

And they have, like, coming up, so for the trailer for next episode, yeah. It's them doing the exact same thing. They'm going, Jesus, ha, ha, ha. And they see, like,

some hurling team in America. So they saw a gay, like, football team in America. No, it's a hurling team. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then they go to, like,

a brothel where there's, like, human trafficking, and child sex trade. Look at that, that's class. And they're like, there's only Irish people here. they find like one ginger girl who's sad and like ha ha jesus yeah so how many episodes is it gonna have

oh probably fucking 90 it goes into syndication or T have gone bust making this yeah they've cancelled everything else and they just make the two Johnny shows now they're podcast pretty popular yeah no they are probably one of the biggest podcast in the contrary like would I be

are you listening to their songs no I have to admit, no hand on heart, I have never, I can't really sit here and slag off the two johnnies, even though I've been doing it for the last half hour, but I've never listened to their podcast or any of their songs. I don't know any of their work. There's no harm in them. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure they're fine. I'm sure they're very nice guys or whatever. They're not like sad losers like us who just like hate on everything that's mildly successful. Just like, oh, fuck you. Yeah, it's like, let's say if you went down the pub and there's two that. that just weren't right. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But there's no harm in them, okay? Sometimes get a little bit drunk and touch women or something like that.

They go into the girl's bathroom. It's like, come on now, Johnny. Where's the other Johnny? Yeah, yeah. I hope you're wearing a Johnny, Johnny. Miss, don't struggle. That'll only, yeah. Just play a dead.

It's best to let him finish. Okay. He's got her hurl. Yeah, yeah. Okay. But it's like, let's say there's two lads down the pub and like you chat him for a little bit, but you get bored

with no harm in my thing. Or like they ask like, can I come back to your house? It's like, no. Yeah. I've got a DVD of Talladega nights and some can't. We'll go back to your gaff and have the crack. Yeah. And then they just never leave. Yeah, these guys probably like, it's like, you know, way like you'll meet someone

and they're still doing like Borat. Very nice. Yeah, yeah. It's 2023. I like. Yeah, okay. Although they are making a sequel apparently. Oh, no, it's been made. It's been shot. made yeah yeah that'd be interesting i don't think it'll be good but it'll be interesting yeah i want to see sasha do more serious because borat is just such a kind of classic comedy uh you know film that like a sequel is only going to hurt the legacy yeah it's not gonna top it like no it's because it different time

completely like exactly you couldn't get away with that film now you forget how popular it was like oh man it was like a proper it was like a phenomenon who was bigger than the two johnnies is is that possible yeah yeah that's the shame jesus she ever go to the Kazakhstan, do you? There's a pub and Balantul called Kazakhstan. That's where I get my kebabs. None of that makes sense, James.

You're fucking idiot. I'm sorry, I've got an air infection and I'm dizzy and tired. Yeah, but we're seeing... The two johnnies would never let illness affect them. Okay, let's say, okay, the two johnnies come to us. Yeah. Like, guys, we love what you do.

The TV show's doing well. Yeah. The podcast's doing well. Yeah. We're getting so much pussy off this, okay? So much money. and pussy. Yeah. We're getting like,

he nearly drowned because he fucked Jizzy Lizzie. Jizzy Lizzy. Yeah. He tried to fish her out of the bathtub. Yeah,

okay. But she ended up sucking him off. Trooper till the end. Okay, so banging all these chicks it's going well, but we want to take it to the next level.

Yes. Film. Yeah. They approach us. Got any ideas? So we're like the Russo brothers. No, the Safty brothers.

That's where we are. Yeah, we're a safties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not mainstream. I just come in, we're like, oh, is he pretends? to be disabled.

No, he's not. He just, no, he pretends to be, like, normal on the podcast. He's wearing a hearing aid. Does he need those? Nope. They're just for show. And so, it's how he gets the way with doing the voice. Yeah, okay. Hello! So, the two

Johnny's come to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We want to do a film. Okay. What do you think it should be? Okay. Let me see now. Well, I mean, there's got to be a rift. The two Johnny's, it has to be a rift. Is it a woman? That's, that, that, that, who comes between the two johnnies

they both fall in love it's a woman and she's evil she's an evil she's an evil woman and the two johnnies come together and kill her

yeah and they defeat the evil that was no she'd be like the third act twist that she's evil okay so let's say

no you'd know straight away you just know they're all evil yoke yoke in the field hatched out of an egg

I think they found her in like a skip somewhere and then they sold her John Lennon I think that's how it works but anyway so I'd say the way it work is okay

yeah so it's the two johnnies this Ireland okay and they and what are their characters do they run a pub maybe two lads running a pub

oh no tell you what yeah they're running has to be a funny thing okay so it's a a tattoo parlor okay okay

but they're not very good of tattoos Tipperary Yeah okay and they're not very good tattoos

and they keep like let's say a woman comes in she's like I want to pick I want the name of I want the name

Charlie tattooed on my leg because that my son and he died of leukemia yeah and they're like ha ha

sure we'll do that hey okay and then this they put like it's just

a drunk a badly drunk a cock badly drunk a cock in the Tipperary

flag yeah just the word Charlie misspelled. There you go. Instead of Charlie, they're like uptip.

Sure, it's better. That's $220, please. They still charge pounds, they don't even know about Euro. So what they do, they run the tattoo place, but their passion, okay,

is music. Oh, okay. What kind of music? Country ballads. Country ballads. Okay. But with a hip-hop influence. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

With a, you know, a bit of shoe polish, you know what I'm saying? Okay. So then, like, an evil businessman called. Oh, okay. It'd be something like, it'd be called

Stephen Otify. Stephen Otify. Oh, no, Stephen Potify. Potify. I don't get it. It's Spotify. Oh, Spotify. Yeah. Okay. We'll work on that.

Stick a pain on that. No, Stephen Netanyahu. Okay. Hey, shit too Janis. I love what you do. I'm going to make you huge. Take it out of the big time. My name's Adam Silver.

Weinstein Greenberg Yeah You want to be a star Yeah Okay So he comes to him He's like

I can make you a big Music star Yeah but he whispers in one ear He's like Johnny You're great With that other one He's dead wave He's holding you back

And he says Same thing the other Johnny Yeah Yeah yeah yeah So then Then they kind of splinter off They get their own Two entourages

You know Yeah Okay So let's think now No we start off First to get big Together Yeah

And then they meet the girl Okay Okay and who is she Who's gonna play her? No, I'm thinking No, I'm thinking, no Oh, she, tell you what's her character?

What, she's actually, okay, the girlfriend of the evil business man But the two, we don't realize that until the third act. Oh, and he's using her to like split them up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he can make more money with them separately than together. Yeah, yeah.

So that's why they join up and they like set fire to her. They just hit it with bricks. They take her to the train tracks. And pour paint on or hit her with bricks. Or it's like hands on the ground, just put her in the oven. Yeah, okay. Okay. Anyway, yeah, so they get big and they get separate.

Okay. And one of them, kind of like Ant and Deck, one of them like... Goes off the rails. Yeah, yeah. He just, he gets addicted to like Premier League stickers and, uh, I don't know. Huffing white spirits from a rag. Yeah, yeah. It has to be something like, it can't just be like, like, coke.

Booze and pills. Or heroin. It has to be like something a little bit, like, mad, you know? Yeah. Oh no, it would be Taito. Tato, salt and vinegar. It just crushes them up and does sniffs.

Yeah. I was addicted to the Tato. Ha, ha, ha. Also, met. Yeah. Okay. So, and then one of them, kind of like,

is it, which one is the one who's on the rocks? I think, deck is the, see, Deck's, no, aunt, aunt is the druggy one.

See, uh, aunt's, um, uh, wife, ex-wife, pull all the stuff out on the stuff out

on the sidewalk. Oh really? Just threw it on the street. Yeah, and say take what you want. Why, that's me good Tommy Hilfigerlof, what you doing,

you daff bitch. And all the stuff in it was pretty like shit. Yeah. A lot of like just Jamie Oliver books. And like DVD box sets of,

I don't know. Are you being served? Are you being served? Signed by Mr. Humphreys. And Captain Peacock. Never give up. He was a gay icon.

Okay. All right, so the two johnnies, all right, so they... It has to be more than that, like, I think we have to have a spy element as well. Oh, they're actually, okay, they're contacted by Benjamin Natu to work on behalf of the Mossad. We're going to use you in sexual blackmail. Apparently, Trump is very attracted to the two Johnny, so they have to go in... There's a piss on him. All tart it up and he bangs them and the Mossad film it.

How about that? No. No. I don't think they take that. I was thinking more like the music producer is working for like some kind of evil organization

that wants to ban good times. He wants to ban the crack. Yeah, the sech. The crack. They're going to make it illegal to have the crack. And you're going to ban gha. Because it's going to be like some like

nerdy guy going like, actually gah is bad for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so he's going to ban the guy. It actually promotes toxic masculinity and homo repression. Yes. Shut up, dude, you're big queer. Yeah, yeah.

So it's a big queer for the band of guy. Okay. And he's working with the manager, all right? It's all connected, right? It's all connected, baby. And you see, like, the big queer has tricked the women into thinking that, like, sexism is bad. Okay. in an effort to ruin the crack

Yeah, yeah Used to be able to slap a woman's arse But now you can't Because this big nerdy queer is ruining the crack Yeah Yeah But so then like At the end it all comes out

And so they beat up They kill the woman and the manager all right But they're like Where's the big queer He's in the doll okay and they're about to pass

like through the doll okay and he's talking to the T-Shok the anti-Krak bill yeah the anti-Gan crack bill and slapping women's arces bill

okay okay and so they're like oh shit so the two johnnies have to run to the and they have to like hop on a horse like giddy up gety up

okay and they're going okay I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the die okay so then we cut to

like the doll and now people in favour of the anti-crack and garabail so he's like the results are in

and I can now announce that the law has been stop yeah they just burst in on horseback neither or yeah

with a shlitter with a slitter and a tricolour and they hit the ball okay and it goes the queer's mouth and he chokes on it

he dies yeah yeah yeah and they all celebrate because the gay man's dead and that's my two Johnny's movie cut and print

that's a rap folks that is gold dust that is magic in a lightning in a bottle baby oh that's great We actually have people who would know them, so I'm going to send them that.

You're going to send them. Yeah, that's your pitch right there. I'm going to write that in crayon and blood. That's your elevator pitch. At the end, you kill a queer with a schlitter. Nold. We're on. They sign on for a three-picture deal.

You had me a queer. They become like the two Corries, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.