Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 92 : Bad Skype with Jordan Robinson

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

I HATE SKYPE.

recording no we're recording guys this is a new episode it's a Skype episode I'm sorry already apologising yeah yeah that's what we show now I'm very sorry it's how we should start every episode regardless of nothing it's not funny just to a Seinfeld will go on Letterman I'm very I apologize for what I said about Afro Americans anyway well look I like I was like this is shit I hate doing Skype we're going to need something to help us, okay? Something to like, you know, like a little bit of sprinkle or something onto the episode. Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, we need to get some cinnamon. I'll type cinnamon into Google. And you're the first picture came right up. Yeah, yeah. Introduce, we have a new guest. We have a guest on this episode. Who are you? My name is Jordan Robinson.

I'm a sound-up comedian from Belfast. Hence the accent. Yep. And, yeah. I do improv comedy. and I also do podcasts and stuff. And that's why I'm here, guys. Yeah.

And more importantly, you're also being very nice to us. Oh, yeah, well, I, I, I'm doing it because once the revelations come out, I'm not going to have a lot of friends. So I just want to get in with you guys. I see, yes, you're going to jump onto our sinking ship. Yeah, I like it. It's the amazing man game. We're going to do what Rogan did in Texas.

but our compounds in Nouri As soon as you get your girlfriend's family out of the gaff we're going to set up shop there Brian Yeah yeah This isn't a patron episode

Well she's going to hear it is she She doesn't listen anyway But I don't want her weird family to hit this in So yeah Jordan You and I met about What was it like Probably a year ago Two years ago

Was it at the Yeah, between one or two years ago. Yeah, yeah. What was called? The Australian place in Dublin. Oh, the Wilshed.

The Willshed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You call it the Australian place. Yeah, yeah. I've been there like twice in my life, so I can't remember the name. But the Willshead, it was lovely. It left a great impression on me.

Yeah. Just couldn't remember the name. But yeah, so fuck. That's just when I started, like, properly going like okay i'm going to like apply myself to this rather than just you know the odd kind of gig now and then yeah it's crazy to think like i guess with the lockdown in the past what like seven eight months it like you people haven't been doing comedies but that's still time elaps since you started so it feels kind of weird but yeah i'm a fucking two years yeah

it's fucking i'd say you were kind of like doing the improv thing in dublin as well weren't you like in, uh, on Shaw? Yeah, so, um, uh, I did, yeah, a couple of tight ropes and in the Pierce theater as well, um, in Dublin. And, uh, I've done some stuff in, uh, Galway as well. Um, and every Sunday in Belfast, uh, there's shows, improv shows. And, uh, I also kind of like, jump on and help with, uh, Belfast Improv Theater teach classes. So I would kind of, um, jump on the classes and, uh, help the kind of like 101 classes. with their shows and stuff like that. So that definitely kept me busy for a good portion of like the time between doing stand-up gigs.

This is interesting because I'm starting a teaching course at the moment. Now I'll be teaching English, all right? Okay. But teaching is the same no matter what you're teaching, all right? No matter what subject. How do you teach improv? It's really just about teaching people to kind of like lose their inhibitions. but like in a kind of positive way rather than you know just saying yes to everything uh like just

kind of just be open and instead of this sounds really creepy i'm sorry it's just to be open to uh different kind of circumstances where normally you would be like oh no i'm not doing that like getting on stage for people is normally a huge big no but um like when you just embrace the yes and go like yeah okay fuck it i'll do it that's you know when you kind of start learning and that's like the first hurdle to get over when you start teaching improv and then there's a lot of kind of like stagecraft and stuff like that but when you say you teach improv it's kind of like saying to people you teach people how to make shit up in their head yeah so you go for helping them find what's inside themselves

you don't like just throw bricks of them and say be funny you can't well that's like that's like i'd say 301 onwards is the brick stage be like Colin mockery you piece of shit this would never make it on who's line but like yeah no it's I don't I don't really know what I would prefer from performing improv to doing stand-up because they're they're kind of like two

completely different beasts but I genuinely do think that starting improv first definitely gave me the kind of the kind of confidence to at least try stand up and it's like most people's first gigs like you get like loads of your friends

or family or whatever to come and it's packed out and they all think you're the next fucking fucking sturtly or something like that and it's you're on fucking cloud nine for the next month and you're going like okay where can I gig next and you're fucking sending your clips out everywhere

so like I think it genuinely helped with that to actually just you know get up and write five minutes material to do on stage. I did an improv course one time. I did one class. And I remember the teacher told us at the start

just because it's improv doesn't mean you're allowed touch anyone. Well, yeah, that's an important part that I kind of glossed over. Yeah, consent is it's normally something you talk about before you go on stage or anything like that, just like people's boundaries and stuff like that.

so you're one of those teachers one of the boring ones you really couldn't have created a better art form for a sexual predator the word no is not allowed within these walls it's yes aunt it really is perfect it's just ideal

and Brian you're teaching English right that just it occurs to me aren't you dyslexic are you allowed to teach English I mean legally no they don't know yeah I'm going to The screening process for both of these things are just very alarm bells are ringing here, guys. Oh, I'm going to teach those Spanish kids all the wrong answers.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, Dublin has like a real problem with Italian students coming around and like throwing up the buses. Or that's the kind of the gist I get from Irish Simpsons fan page. There is a lot. Well, during the summer, yeah, it'd be pretty bad. It's usually like they all kind of stay in like student camp, like, college campuses. So, like, I get the 13 goes right by DCU. And, like, I'm not messing. There's like 50 or 60, like, young Spanish kids. And they're fucking going mental on the bus. Like,

they're acting like it's a private party bus or something. And I'm, like, just trying to get home from my shitty job. And it's- Yeah, perfect. Yeah. I'll be with those kids with a bottle of Bucky. All I'm saying is UKIP makes a lot more sense to me now. That's all the Exactly, guys. This is why I voted for Brexit. Just to get Italian chickens out. Because of Irish Simpsons memes, I voted for Brexit. Oh, dear.

So, Jordan, we've been in lockdown for a long time now. And we haven't had comedy to do. How have you been passing the time? I've, uh, so I, when the lockdown east up up north, at the just halfway through August there was a good couple of gigs starting back up in Belfast so I was able to do

there's like this socially distant social club which was in a comedian from London called Vittorio Angeloani he's from Belfast but he set up about some like 25 seats in his back garden and just charged everybody like a fibre to get in and actually know it was a pay what you want kind of gig

oh yeah yeah and it was actually really good uh it was really it's like a tiny stage with like you know one of the kind of uh mic setups that you get and like just a pub that decides like on the 11th hour that that they want to do like a comedy night yeah yeah like the the the real shitty fucking mic and speaker kind of thing but it yeah it was between it was like some like four or five months from being my last gig over in London to that gig and it was the feeling of being back was crazy like how good it felt because it's like when you're kind of doing it like four or five nights a week whether it be like it's like something if you're gigging down in Dublin or anywhere

else in the north like Belfast Derry Balmina somewhere like that it's it's such a culture shock from like doing nothing with your day to like getting this you have fucking endorphin hit that you're crew but yeah and then the limelight opened up in Belfast and they did like socially distant shows

so but it was weird because there's like 200 250 people in a show and when you've been in like lockdown for so long and like you don't like to stand in a queue with more than like three people it was kind of weird to like walk out and age and there's like over 200 people

like just sitting there fucking weird yeah it freak me out yeah there really does seem to be like a proper good scene and like Belfast in the north but there's really not a lot of crossover do you find between the northern Irish scene or like Dublin

scene you know it's not allowed it's strange part of the Good Friday agreement that we don't mix but no it's I find it kind of weird because like I fucking love going down to Dublin

to a gig but I find it very difficult to get like a gig that say like isn't something like the Anseo or like what's that one in the hipney call? The Ball of the Axe or something like that.

Yeah, yeah. I find it like I've done the seller and the crunch a couple of times but like it's kind of hard to go like okay I'll message them and try and go like okay i'll set this up so i can go down in dublin and maybe do more than one gig and maybe stay down i try and do too um i find it quite difficult from that perspective um

so i think that's why the majority of uh comedians uh in the north would kind of stay to the north um but there there's a couple exceptions to the rules like um people like mickey bartlett does laughter lounge quite a lot and uh robbie goes down quite a lot to do like the indoor and comedy crunching stuff like that. And they're both fantastic comedians and they're probably the two best in our scene. So it's kind of, I don't know,

it feels like you have to get to a certain point before you can graduate, getting like good gigs in Dublin. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's not exclusive to just people on your side of the border. Let me tell you. I'm not going to use this podcast to like,

yeah, hammer out all of my bitterness. But, you know, yeah. Yeah, they don't be answering the phone for a lot of us, Jordan. It's not just you. I thought it was a little Protestant thing, but yeah, it just turns out. Yeah, we're going to use this podcast

to finally bring the two scenes together. It's going to be like a, this is a Nelson, like when Bono made that the Israel and Palestine guy, we're going to get the whole to have together. Yeah, well, look, eventually we'll get so big off this podcast. We won't even need to do gigs.

Yeah, exactly. That's the dream. Can I like your... I'm looking forward to doing standards. up again but I think like it'll be so deep you ever hear like people who like like alcoholics who go off the drink for like three years and the relapse apparently the relapse is great but I was off cigarettes for 162 days and I was at a funeral there a couple of days ago and we all ended up back in the like wait with a and then the pines start flowing and then I tried to smoke cigarette and man, I thought

I was going to die. It was a very surreal experience. I don't think I have the same tolerance to what I had. So my last was terrifying. Yeah. Well, there you go. I do stand-up I do stand-up again and just get sick.

I'm like, oh, my body's not used to this. Yeah. It's going to be like starting again, though. I've been off state. Like the last gig I did was February. So it's just like, yeah, it's literally going to be like starting again. It's horrible. Yeah, but sure.

It's like riding a bike, isn't it? Yeah, well, I could reinvent myself kind of come back as a totally different character, you know? Yeah. All be your character, James. A polar opposite of your set at the minute. Like, walk your opener would be, but... I don't know.

I could just watch live at the Apollo and some upper middle class cunt talking about the price of coffee. That's what passes for comedy now. but anyway whatever yeah this is just a quick point on that that that's one thing that fucks me off no end when you're going to

bigger places in belfast like the empire that happens on Tuesday that's kind of like the um kind of like historical home of comedy in belfast um and they get a lot of like comedians from England and stuff like that and like you go on with them

uh you have like a decent opening set and they go on and they each shit for like 20 minutes because all they talk about is like, yeah, I was waiting in the queue to get in the tube and they're just like, oh, I don't know why that didn't work. And I was like, yeah, they think they can just sort of get on and talk about everyday mundane shit.

And it's like, oh, I'll test how good of a comedian I am by doing really banal material. It's like, no, you're not good enough. You have to tell some granny fucking jokes or something. Because you're not interesting enough to talk about getting on the tube with a coffee that was too big. Yeah. That's why

a lot of UK comics don't do well in America because they go over and they just do their little like I don't know If you ever say they stand this Ooh you're not at Phil Mitchell I'm sorry sir

What are you saying to me? Yeah it's just like this talk about Greggs like they have no concept of like Just change just change it to fucking subway or something They're like no Yeah I when I first started I

I fucked off to Chicago and Boston for just under three months months when I first started doing stand-up. And all my first set, I just like went through it and just replaced all the references I have to like say stuff in Ireland or the UK. I just replaced it with like

American things and it was relatively easy. Yeah, yeah. White people don't actually go and actually do that. Yeah, it's so much better. The stand-up over there is so much better. Like I went to a stand-up club in Boston. There was this big black guy and he was talking about how he loved

to like, he loved to fuck like disabled women. you wouldn't get that Ireland no what you'd get in Ireland is somebody fucks a disabled woman but doesn't tell anyone you don't see the humor in it you know try and keep it a secret yeah it's so much raw and better over in America I love it like

I don't need to change my references you know dead relatives it's the same in any country man I'm not joking the best thing to happen to my comedy career with my dad dying it is fucking hell did no end. Yeah. You hear that, Brian, you dork.

It'll happen eventually. When did your dad die? 2012. Oh, all right, okay. Yeah, and it's kind of weird because, like, I, in like, the two years I've got, I did my first solo show, so like my first hour. And I was kind of, because I videotape all the gigs that I do.

So even the one that Dublin's next top comic where I first met you, James, was I've got that video tip. I've got that whole night video tip. Nice. Oh, wait, am I on there as well? Uh-huh. Oh, wow. Without James' permission. Yeah, exactly.

I remember, yeah, if that was the first heat, I was very, very drunk, I remember that. Yeah. I remember just when I first folks were you and going like, this guy is pretty cool. that's right yeah um but i've completely forgot what i was saying there i don't know you your dad yeah my dad oh yeah my dad's dead i'm i forgot by that i'm always forgetting that you know it's if it's not that it's my house keys i tell you just yeah i can't remember like before you leave the house you check your you check your pockets for like your phone your keys your wallet your dead dad memories yeah you got an urn with some ashes in your backpack yeah always with me um

But yeah, no, that's the thing. Like, every single set that I've done in some way or another, I have mentioned that my dad's dead. So every single gig. So last calendar year, it was, like, about 112 gigs, I think I did in that calendar year. Like, every single one of them, there was the same joke about my dad, dad. So it's evergreen is what I'm saying. Hey, if it works, it works, you know?

Exactly. Hey, I don't dictate what's funny. I just have my finger on the pulse. Ironically enough. Speaking of death and decaying, we were going to talk about the exorcist. Yeah, I was going to talk with that in a second. I was going to say,

do you see Kanye brought Kim Kardashian's dad back from the dead? Robert Kardashian? Yeah, he brought Robert Kardashian back as a hologram. Yeah. Have you seen this? It's the weirdest thing ever. It's so weird. You actually sent that to me like late last night and I've kind of fell asleep.

So I totally forgot about it. I haven't actually looked it up yet. So what's, what was it her birthday or something? It's her birthday and he's like, oh, what's the best thing to get? Diamonds? No.

What do you get for the girl who has everything? Yeah. So it's a hologram of her dead dad, but actually talks and moves. So he must have. an actor to like be the body double and like do the voice and he's saying stuff like I'm always watching over you Kim I saw that video you did Kim good work yeah you're certainly your mother's daughter fair play I wish I was around to be part of that experience

and yet then it's like you've married a very very very great man And I miss you all very much. That's bizarre. Very weird. Is that verbatim what was said in the video? It's about five minutes long. He says a lot more. He talks about, you know, like all the other family members.

Don't think he mentions Caitlin. Oh. Yeah, I was thinking maybe like Bruce Jenner's dick could come back as a hologram. That's not right. That's dead naming a dick and you shouldn't do that. That's a bad thing. Yeah, not the dick. Not the dick.

There's nothing sacred. But yeah, it's a holographic talk. Surely I can make a joke, no? Anyway, whatever. Yeah, but it's about five minutes of him just talking about how, like, how much he misses them and how he's always watching over him and how great kind he is. It was mostly like how he put that in here.

Yeah. Well, it would be, that's the worst version is like getting the hologram. The cheap version would just be, like, digging up the body. Just like a ventriloquist tummy. Yeah, yeah. just sticking like a little tape like not even a CD

just a tape in his mouth oh that's great yeah I'd recommend that when this is done I recommend watching that it's it's actually impressive I certainly will yeah yeah did you watch him on Rogan did you see that

I know I see I I um you guys are the only podcast I listen to out of loyalty um good um I uh no I didn't catch it but I just assume like any podcast that Joe Rogan does with either Kanye or like

Alex Jones or anything that is just like fat shit crazy so just I didn't watch it I didn't watch it myself like okay there's some fucked up thing someone's going to say or whatever but like apparently it was just like proper rambling like kind of

the ramblings of a severely mentally ill man with like grandiose delusions is kind of the general yeah I don't know It's great. Yeah, he's consistent. So that's like, you know, number one. Give some people what he want, yeah.

Exactly. Exactly. The big, the thing I heard, I listened to a tiny bit of the podcast, the Kanye one. And the thing I remember is he had like, he was talking about Star Wars for a lot of it. And he was saying that it's Luke Skywalker. And it's George Luke. this you get it

what was his what was that that's why I'm running for president okay oh that's why he's running for president it's like the da Vinci code you know he's piecing things together of the Illuminati's grand plan

while joking aside he was saying that it's Luke Skywalker so Luke Skywalker is George Luke and it's the artist following his dreams. So he's an artist and he's going to follow his dreams by becoming president. Sweet.

Yeah. Why not? It's almost like he's playing like word association in his head and he's just going like, can I make this sound feasible? Well, apparently he goes off his psych meds. Like, he's on a lot of medication and every time he's writing a new album, he goes off the meds, which you really shouldn't do.

It's not like a, they're not like breath, where you take them every other day you know you kind of yeah they fuck you up if you go on and off them constantly no one stops them that's a great thing no one saying you shouldn't do like yeah go ahead yeah that new album is fire son see this is a problem with yes and in Kanye West

that just leads to I don't know possible presidential room okay so we got you on and we want to do a Halloween movie yeah I thought the exorcist would be good That's pretty Halloween Yeah

It's it is Yeah I think you know A woman putting a crucifix In her pussy is Yeah That's pretty healthy She is a child Brian Interesting that you said woman

Hmm Anyway Let's move on Oh I've been filed Yeah you have This is to catch your predator With cadden Yeah

So here's the thing though So I'm right The stunt woman Who did that scene Was a woman That was a stunt pussy yeah yeah that was a 22 year old stunt pussy yeah and by the time

filming her pussy was about 52 I'd say that took a real battering you know because the law directors didn't want to do the movie because they were like oh it's going to be hard to get a young actress to agree to do this and pull it off and make it convincing yeah but then they found it

they found her yeah no it was um I remember like the first time I watched It was like, I think it was like early on. So I went to boarding school in Belfast. So there was a like, do you remember like PSPs used to be a thing? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know the Universal Media Desk? So they're like DVDs for your PSP?

Yeah. I remember that, yeah. Yeah, I got the Exorcist, but it was, it was weird. It was like a blank one. Actually, I think it was like an old, do you remember that movie goal? Like about the Newcastle United player or something? The football player, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so.

somehow somebody recorded the Exorcist onto this one. So we it's kind of like, you know, the stereotypical, like kind of porno mag being passed around like the fucking barracks. Did it cut back and forth from gold

to the exorcist? Why are you, man? You got to score the gold, you know what I mean? Your mother sucks in hell. What are you safe about that over, you bastard? Yeah, that would have been good.

That would have been great. That's a great. to experience the film. Yeah, exactly. On a, what, like a six-inch tiny screen? Yeah, six-inch, all right. Baby.

I just thought you guys were going to interject there and go like six inches and tiny. So, James, you hadn't seen this movie before? No, I have. I had seen it. Oh, I'll tell you hadn't. No, no, no. This is one of the few films

I had seen before. But not in a few years, though. I haven't seen it in a while. what was it like watching it back to be honest I think I don't know I was maybe in

like the wrong mover or something I was a bit underwhelmed by it you know I think because it's been like parodied so much like we were talking about the Shining last week

and now that has like there's been parodies and spoofs of it but it's still very entertaining I don't know I find the Exorcist a bit laborous I was kind of like

checking my phone a lot throughout the film I don't know maybe I was just in a bit of a ADHD mood and I couldn't really focus but I need some adderall Brian you need to hook me up I don't know look I understand

it's a great film and you know consider probably the best horror of all time but for me I don't know it wasn't it wasn't popping I wasn't feeling it really yeah because Mark Kermode says it's the best movie ever made is that right Mark Kermode well I don't trust

the guy who's had the same haircut for 35 years. That's all I'll say about Mr. Kermode. As good as this analysis may be. It's just like, try a different look, my friend. Big glasses slick back hair. Yeah, we've seen it.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, we'll go through the plot real quick of the Exorcist and then we'll try and figure out what you taught was wrong with it. Okay. So I think me and Jordan are on Team Exorcist. Oh yeah, very much so. Yeah. In fact, I actually, I would recommend to everyone

The third Exorcist, Exorcist Part 3, is brilliant. Yeah, you're saying it's, and it's perked my interest enough that I'm probably going to HMV tomorrow to pick it up. Because he knows a detective in the first Exorcist. Yeah. Okay, in the third one, he's played by George C. Scott. Okay. And it's them going back and investigating another, kind of a copycat killer. A copy killer, like...

A serial killer. Yeah. Oh, wait, it's not about, like... demonic possession or anything? It is as well. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. It's about two things at the same time. No, that shouldn't be allowed.

That's confusing. I don't like that. Yeah. And they might be connected to the original case. But I'll say no more. Okay. And Larry King's in the background of a scene. Doesn't talk. Okay.

Fun fact. Good, good one. Good one. So the Exorcist, okay, we start off in the desert Yeah, I like that initially is like, oh, Iraq, yeah, that's where the devil comes from.

Did George Bush watch The Exorcist is like, we need to go into Iraq. Those devil worshiping sons of bitches. Like, this is, I blame the Exorcist for Islamophobic rhetoric. Ah ha, so.

Yeah. Look who comes out on top. Yeah. So we see, the real weapon of mass destruction was actual, actual sin. There you go. It is funny how it's a horror film and it starts with like foreigners working

together. They're unifying. So like it starts off with that. We meet the two characters, two priests, okay, does Max von Seedow as Father Merrin. Yeah.

What do you think of him? He's, uh, from the seventh seal. Is that right? Yeah. Chess with death? Yeah, he died like this year, I think. Oh, yeah?

Well, he was 40 in the film, but they dressed him up to look like 80. Okay, right, right, right. And then Fader Merrin is the cool priest. He does boxing and he drinks pints and he's got a mother. Oh, yeah, but he's all, like, his mother dies and he's all sad about it, like a little bit. That's even cooler.

Okay, yeah, so. What's the actor that plays him? I've never seen him in anything else before. Jason Miller. He won a surprise. He was a playwright. Oh, okay. Well. Yeah. And he's an

Exorcist tree. How does he appear? You'll have to watch it to find out. As a hologram. Cania West brings him back as a hologram. Okay. So we meet the mother and she's like an actress. I've forgotten about the whole

actress aspect of this where she's working on a film. yeah it kind of seems a bit unnecessary or irrelevant it's like does it really play an integral part

to the film I don't know no no yeah it doesn't did you like the fact that she worked on a film

called Crash Course and it's set in a college oh okay good who is she starring with Rodney Dangerfield sounds like trash

I love Rodney Dangerfield yeah so uh it's all going well with her daughter her daughter's like perfect but then her daughter starts getting a little bit weird yeah you know acting up um and one scene she walks into a room and pisses herself yes yeah as you do you know it's like it was very before it's time like uh that's what teenagers do now you ever seen jackass we just go down and piss in the middle of a dinner party yeah yeah so what's funny is so she's acting weird and then they do loads of surgeries

on her and they just stick a load of shit into her neck. She's having emotions. Let's get her under the knife straight away. Slice her and dice her. That woman did you remember. But remember the scene in it where the doctor's like just give her these pills and the mother's like, should we take her to

psychiatrist? And he's like, no. Just pills. So psychiatrist knows nothing. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, okay, what kind of procedures are they doing on her? Because again, I was kind of half looking at my phone. Well, I'll be honest as well, I watched, so I watched this years ago. And I watched this last night.

But I stopped an hour in and then went to a, and I went to someone's house and I had like nine cans. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're the little Captain Morgan's cans. Oh, yeah, yeah. Nice. Yeah, I had like nine of those. And I walked back and watched the rest of this.

So I was feeling a little bit, you know, I was feeling great, but not because of the film. Okay. Yeah, so she's swearing. She says, keep away from my goddamn cunt. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, yeah, we need to open up a brain. She said the C word. That's a microagration.

Lobotomize the cunt. Yeah, I don't know. I'm kind of losing interest in this. Do you hear Batman's Jewish? What? Do you know that? No? Yeah, they made him Jewish by accident. Okay.

Explain. You have to explain that now. Because in the comics, they introduced, so we all know Batman, okay? Sure, yeah. Yeah, and Batman is of Scottish descent. Okay. Okay. So people are like, okay, Batman's Scottish, he's white, he's Christian, we like this, all right?

Yeah, yeah. They introduced a character called Batwoman. Oh. They were like, okay, she's a lesbian and she's Jewish. Okay. All right. But then after a while, they're like, okay, let's make them related, all right? Because that makes more sense instead of just there being two separate bat people.

All right. So they were like, okay, she's actually Bruce Wayne's cousin. all right so then they kind of without realizing it give him like jewish ancestry well yeah but the thing is like the the publishers are like oh yeah his mother is jewish so he's half jewish and people are like well actually if your mother's Jewish technically you're full Jewish okay and then the publisher's like oh shit oh no um that that's kind of weird because um my grand my grandmother on my mom's side is Jewish and my mom got really annoyed at me because she wanted all her kids to be buried in like a Jewish cemetery but when I came back in Australia I had like

a couple of tattoos and you can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery with tattoos. Oh fuck. Yeah. She made me get the first one laser removed. Really? Yeah, which hurts a lot more than getting an actual tattoo done. Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah. I've heard that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It hurts. It's a good five to ten times more painful. What was the tattoo? It was a...

Wasn't the swadstick there, was it? Punk rock. It's just like American History X. The hill out of down. No, it was like Guinness Harp, and I got it in a place called Surfer's Paradise in Australia. And I got it on my butt and one of my ass cheeks. Nice. Oh, and your mother made you get rid of that.

I was so proud of it when I came. home I was like literally dropped my bags and I was like ma look at this um but yeah no she was like yeah that's going so i was like okay and next holiday she took the spain i got like a full sleep so so she tried to chop your arm off yeah yeah exactly and i'm getting you in that cemetery piece by piece but now for some reason she she's kind of she's jumped ship and now she's a presbyterian Oh, that's a big different That's a big change Hey, it's

She's, you know, getting on in years now She just kind of wants to try a couple of things You know, before she dies But, so yeah, it was kind of My granddaughter was Catholic And then on my dad's side, both grandparents were Protestants So they're just kind of I have loads of jeans

Like fighting out for supremacy in my body right now Can I ask if it's not too much To inquiring Why did she swap And go Presbyterian of all No idea. I don't know. Just... She saw a YouTube video about a certain event that didn't actually happen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you ever, like growing up, did you ever do anything to kind of, like, was there any kind of, did you incorporate like any Jewish things into your upbringing religion, whites? Are you asking my circumcised? Well, no, but now I really want to know that. That was a burning question, yes. That's a kind of worms. Save it for like a Patreon because... Okay. No, so like I was brought up a religious as a like no religion whatsoever because I went to I went to a mixed school growing up and the boarding school, the majority of borders.

There weren't a lot of people from the north or anywhere in Ireland. They're all kind of like international students. so like growing up I wasn't exposed to a lot of the stuff that normal people where I'm from are kind of like exposed to and I didn't grow up with any influence at home either I had a cousin who's a diehard Rangers fan so just to kind of kind of act that I'd probably say I'm you know Celtic fan kind of out of that kind of thing but that's just yeah number one to piss my cousin off and then you know so my dad turns in his grave the other time. Would Rangers be pro-Jew, anti-Jew? No, no. They would be, so they're

pro-Israel. Oh, are they? Oh, yeah, yeah. So, like, I don't know if it's the same down in Dublin, but in Belfast, everything's segregated into either one camp or the other.

So, for example, with Brexit, the people who wanted to leave were mostly from the loyalists slash Protestant kind of communities. People who wanted to remain were Republican-slash-Catholic. And everything is split down the middle,

in Belfast. So Israel, Palestine, that's another thing. So the Republicans are mostly pro-Palestine and just for, you know, just because they are, then the loyalists are more pro-Israel and that kind of thing. So, I credit the Protestants, they always know how to pick the winning side, you know, they know they crunch the numbers and they know which way it's going down in the end. Yeah, we're the Irish. We love like, like, oh, Palestinians, the losers. The other losers. Yeah, we like that. We can relate. We're also losers. You guys really like the underdogs, don't you? Yeah.

Well, we have no choice. We are in that camp eternally, you know, Brian and I. We are the underdogs of the underdogs. So, yeah, it's. That's so interesting. I didn't know the connection between sports and politics like the... Yeah, that's actually a topic I was discussing. when I was on another podcast recently about fascism football and how people like Hitler and Mussolini used it to like sway

kind of like the general consensus about them in Italy. Well, football. That's interesting. Yeah, yeah. Well, I know Tottenham has a Jewish following. Sorry? Tottenham has a Jewish following, doesn't it?

Tottenham has a big Jewish following and so do Man City because there's a lot of kind of, I don't know, Jewish population in Manchester. And even just the blue in Mansi, you know, blue is real. I can see it. Yeah.

That's what it all comes down to, Brian, just the color. Oh, they've got blue. That's why we don't get along for centuries. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I looked up cool Jewish tattoos here. Oh, yeah. A lot of them are just numbers.

Yeah. Yeah, Jewish people are really good at them. Common stereotype. One cool one It's kosher and it's a picture of a pig Okay I don't know what that means Isn't kosher?

Yeah Jewish people don't eat pork or something No it is that a thing? Yeah yeah yeah okay Anything with a cloven hoof Oh I don't know But yeah you sound

That's a nice interesting mix That you have in your back story I just have like boring Gail people So it was Granny was like Hungarian and Jewish and my granddaughter was from

Donegal and then the other my mom's dad and granny are both from like we're in Belfast right right yeah I think James you're the same where your family's just all inbred isn't it? Yes that's true

yeah and that's the exact term I would use as well all Roman Catholic rural people bog people yeah the bog people yeah the bog people that's where yeah yeah Roman Catholic I was an altar boy So there you go

Yeah Don't need to look into that any further It was fine And it's none of your business anyway Yeah I got nothing My backstory is very whatever Same as paint by numbers Rural Ireland Roman Catholic

You know Yeah And now you're You know Halloween is an Irish thing yeah, it's Sam Hain, isn't it? Yeah, sour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the Jacko Lantern, the, like, pumpkin thing,

that, like, started off in Ireland. It was originally turnips that they used. Isn't that right? Yeah, it was ugly people playing with turn-up. Uh... Uh... Yeah. You doing much for Halloween?

Hey, hey. Uh, no, absolutely not. I'm going home to watch some... fucking shitty Halloween movie. Yeah. Exorcist 3, maybe. Exorcist 3, definitely, yeah. Yeah.

Patrick Ewing is in it from the Knicks. Oh, yeah, I remember you saying that and thank you. Who else in it? Samuel Jackson makes a cameo. Does he really? Yeah.

There's the bit in it, okay, where they cut off, I think the Virgin Mary's head and they put black face on her. Really? Yeah. Wow. Because, you know, the killer satanic, so he just weird shit.

That sounds like a BBC variety show from back in the day. Directed by Lenihan, really. Yeah. I don't know, like, these Skype calls really just aren't the same. Yeah. Whenever said, what? Like, since lockdown and stuff like that, you guys haven't been recording, like, side by side or anything like that?

No, no. But, like, I don't know. we might just say fuck it at some point because like yeah the Skype thing it's just not as much fun you can't there's no like you don't feel the energy you know what I mean it's uh yeah yeah I'm gonna break

lock down this is a tester Jordan next time we'll get you actually in James's house you can look his cat yeah that's right I got a cat stay down for a long weekend we'll treat you right yeah yeah we'll show you

a few girls over you know like some camp we'll show you the seedy underbelly of Dublin you know yeah yeah yeah I mean like we just take it to the George and see look at that huh that seemed right to you

I know what the George is because so my dad used to work in he used to have this that's how he died the Tom Hanks disease so yeah He used to have this guy that worked from him, a guy from Teraldstown in Dublin.

And he came up to Belfast because he was doing some job. And I was helping him. This was when I was like 15, 16, something like that. And there's a famous chip shop in Belfast called the George. And we were, that's where we were getting food that night for tea. And he said some homophobic slurs and said he wouldn't eat it. So that's how I know about the Georgian double. Right.

So just a chip shop called the George and a gay club called it. You have some fun with that. Yeah. Would you like the backward sausage from the George? Yeah. Yes. Would you like a bag of homosexual? No, that one doesn't really work.

I got to work up that one a little bit. I need some tweaking. Yeah. It's close, though. so any like in terms of like any easing of restrictions are you guys because you there there was a little bit of freedom and then it went from like level three to level five didn't it yes yes so we were like level five for like you know the first few months then went back to level three but like shit was kind of opening up slowly but no fucking comedy clubs or anything like that so uh like the

cinemas were open maybe a couple of weeks and they closed again so it really hasn't it didn't go back to normal really you know it's slightly you could go to a restaurant and have a few pints but now that's even gone again so yeah we were shite they gave us like a tiny bit of freedom

for a phase and they're like okay that's enough of that yeah remember four months of lockdown yeah oh man um like I haven't drank since uh I was in London the last gig that I did before

lockdown. What gig were you doing over in London, actually? I was on a tour. So I was doing, we did Cardiff on the Friday. No, Cardiff on the Thursday, and on the Friday, we did

London, so it was the Irishman show. Okay. So you could call it a cultural appropriation if you want. Do it. So we did that, a bunch of of other comedians from the North. did it with Journal of Regan. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So he was headlining that night, and then it was just a bunch of us from the north. And then I was doing the Glasgow International Comedy Festival, that Saturday. Oh, cool. But that was when the lockdown started in the north, so I had to cancel that gig and change my flight to go back home.

So I was supposed to be doing Glasgow and then another gig in Glasgow the night after and then back home, but it all went to shit as soon as, the lockdown happened and I had a 252 easy jet and that was a absolute pain in the hole and cost a couple of hundred quid just to get homeless

ah fuck that was that like your own like half hour show because I know you were you were doing your own half hour show wasn't it like that you were kind of so I did a half hour show um like I want to say June like two years ago

yeah so I started in April and I did the half an hour in June yeah and then uh last no for yeah around this time last november last year it's when i did my first hour show yeah so yeah and it was uh it was called pig heart because of the whole surgery thing that was happening with our hearts so yeah you you had surgery there uh was it a couple of months ago wasn't it yeah at the start of locket or no uh the 6th of august um that's when i went in for surgery and got the got all the the the pig guts put inside

me. Nice. Nice. Well, that was what they were planning to do from the start. Like, put, like, animal tissue valve in, which would have been from a pig. But it turned out that they couldn't do it because they were able to fix the valve that I had.

Oh, wow. Okay. That's cool. Yeah, which was really fucking handy. But they also put, like, a pacemaker in my heart. Yeah. Because the likelihoods I'll need it in, like, 25 to 30 years is quite high. So they're, like, we'll put it in there and... how has the recovery been like how are you feeling like since and everything you know you're getting on

all right uh i'm not too bad man um i kind of fucked up uh because i went back to gigging uh a week after the surgery um so i got a little quite uh quite early because uh the recovery was going great um i went to uh i went to do that socially distanced uh social club gig yeah and i ended up that night I was like caught out a bed to like fucking take a piss or some and I tripped down the stairs the house like tripped over my shoes and I ended up

re-breaking my sternum and I had a collapse lung and back in the hospital for like three weeks. Holy shit. But yeah no I'm all good now. Oh it's good to hear. Fucking how which has been through the wars. I just look at it as like potential material.

That is a good art look. Yeah. People want to hear about that stuff. I mentioned you to a girl yesterday and she got real interested. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I went on a Tinder date not so long ago. It was when the lockdown eased, but

apparently she went on a Tinder day with you around. Ah, no way. What is this? Oh, we probably shouldn't show the name and shame her. Without giving a name, can you give me like initials or something?

I genuinely forget her name. I know that it's been. began with M and she is from Dundalk. She's from Dundalk. Yeah. M. Wait, sorry, her name starts with an N. Yeah, M.

M. M. Yeah. For mother. Mother. I know. Once we stop recording, we'll get to the bottom of this. Yeah, no, I genuinely forgot her name, but.

Was she, you know, was she yapping, was she? tell my secrets. She's a goddamn liar, I'll tell you that. She genuinely goes like, oh, I know a comedian, and like no one, like, she's from Dundalk. I was like, oh, is a brown tool? And she was like, yeah. Is she white?

Yeah. And of consenting age. Not one of mine, I'll tell you that. Small world, guys. Yeah. Yeah, I actually don't like that. I was being in the message

you when that happened, but I was like, and when you said I was going, uh, you guys wanted to have me on the podcast and I was like, oh, that's a, that's a revelation that would be great to fucking drop. Let's see how he reacts. Oh, great. Because I'm very interested now and yeah, I lost interest.

Oh, what the fuck was in? I don't care about the exorcist anymore. Oh, Jesus Christ. She was very, she was very complimentary. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. I just immediately assume it's negative. No, it was universally positive.

Okay, good. I've been around Dundalk for a while, so I've really, yeah. I've been around Dundalk for a while, so I've, you know. You've been there, done that kind of thing? Yeah, and probably, probably, the Dundalk has seen some of my worst moments. Let's say that. My saddest, most pathetic dates of being in Dundalk.

Yeah. Oh shit. Fun times. What do you think about this beheading in France? Well, I absolutely have not, well, like, I wouldn't be surprised if it happens in somewhere like America and I was still dating, but I have not heard about this. What happened? Yeah, I didn't hear about this either. So basically, there was a teacher in France and he was teaching in class about how to draw the prophet Muhammad.

This is like one of Jordan's improv classes gone home. Wait, so he was teaching his students how to draw the prophet Muhammad. Yeah. Was this on the curriculum, or did he go off book? I think he went off book. Again, when I'm teaching, this is what not to do. So, yeah, apparently the parents got upset, and then one lad was like, it was like a kind of shady look of lad hanging around after class.

And it was kind of like, which one's the teacher? to point him out and then he took out a knife and cut his head off. Wow. It must have been actually no machete here, so you wouldn't cut off. A knife would take ages. Yeah, it would. Like a pen knife? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he full on decapitated him. Were there people

around? Did people see it? I think so, yeah. He got shot by the police. Okay. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, I mean, like. I'd have to see the actual draw. how good they were, you know?

If they were color and a man's like, ah, you went outside the lines. Chop, chop. There we go. That's basically what they are. Those like Muslim extremists. They're just very extreme art critics. Yeah. They're sticklers for good art. Yeah, yeah.

Like, they're like the perspectives all wrong here. Where is the postmodern influence? No such thing as an abstract Mohammed. Yeah. Yeah. that happened in France before with a Charlie Hebdo, didn't it?

Charlie Hebdo, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell you the friends, they never learn their lesson, do they? Huh? I don't know if you guys can hear that in the background, but I'm on just layby in West Belfast, just off

the Falls Road, and there's loads of fireworks going off in the background. It might be a time thing, because as you were talking, fireworks went off in my estate as well. I talk from a minute. I said that because as the fireworks went off in both of your play.

Somebody called me the N-word. I think it was my roommate. Yeah, it's all going off. Crazy, eh? Very seraphitous. It is good to hear the fireworks, though. So are you. Ha!

Oh, shit. The kids near my estate, they've got proper big fireworks. Oh, no. Like, there's been a load of, do you guys know what meat wagons are? No. I have an idea.

they're like big armored police vans oh right right yeah i've seen a lot of them today so i don't know if there if there's some like trouble or whatever them just throwing it because i don't think it's for a celebration because it's halloween are you uh are you safe where you are is it about to get all bagdad in the background no um so this um their gilic pitch for anthem gAA i'm literally um on the other side of it there, the old Caseman Park. So I'm sweet. I'm good. You've been good, yeah, yeah.

I've got one of those fake last names in case I get stopped and somebody asked what my name is. Yeah, just tell him it's Brian O'Toole and you're on the way to a Tinder date. Yeah, they've got a file open for me. We finally got him, Chief. It'd be like when Martin Cahill was shot, the police all celebrate.

We got him. Yeah, we got them. Although I've been heading down to Nuri, and I haven't seen that much of a police presence. Well, it depends what part of Yuri or, like, County Down in general, you'd be in. Because County Down is normal. Bezbroke. Wait. Besberg? Okay. Holy shit. Have you not seen like any, please? No, not really.

I guess it's probably a bit different because of lockdown and stuff like that. But places like Cross McGland and Besberg are pretty rough air. is. Well, when I'm going there, I always lower the window and scream. I'm from the south. I'm from the south. Oh, no, no, no. You'll be grand if you do that. Yeah, just let them know, don't fuck with me. I'm better than you.

I actually, I've recently started doing a sports podcast with a comedian from Best Work as well, so, and he runs a company club in Yuri. What's the name? Darren Matthews. Oh, I'll probably be, I'll be around there, are you? When things get back to normal, hopefully.

Yeah, there's a great week. There's a great week club in Uri that happens like once a month. It's great paid and Darren runs it. It's fantastic. Yeah, I need to get into the new or he's seen. I'm up there all the time anyway. Yeah, man, infiltrate it. This is the start of the cross-pollination.

Yeah, well, before lockdown, Jordan, I was texting you kind of like, oh, like, could you give me any, like, tips on, like, what clubs to hit up? Because I was, you know, I could see the tide was turning in Dublin and it was time for me to get out, you know. The chickens were coming home to roost. I just wanted to go like to check out the Belfast scene or Northern Ireland. But then like, and you like, you graciously, you did give me like some contacts, but then literally lockdown happened like a week later.

So that kind of put the kibosh on it, you know. But yeah, once everyone gets back to normal, definitely will, we're going to use you as a our ticket into the Northern Irish scene. hey man you're more than welcome you're more than welcome to use and abuse what am i saying this this is a whole i'm yes sounding in my head yeah yeah just let it happen yeah yeah show business but yeah like uh there's a bunch of great clubs that um would love to have the uh this because i pause there this is going to sound really conceited but i was going to say there's a bunch of clubs that would love to have you guys down there

thank you because you guys funny ah thanks man thank you yeah as are you I really um was annoyed I didn't get to see like your full half hour show like but you kind of like talked about the

the heart surgery stuff like in the gig in the woolshed if I remember correctly or you mentioned it did you I don't think so because I didn't know that it was as serious as it was because like going up through my life I know I've had like six heart surgeries

but my mom never told me how severe it was until I started going to the the doctors by myself because I was getting chest pains and work and I was like this isn't good so oh shit son you need like well they didn't say shit son

you need a pulmonary stretch immediately or you know just going to hit the palm and I was like okay cool and that was 2017 and then this one was the really big one so yeah

yeah Jesus well you're lucky people know what it is now people like understand how the body works they're not just like saying prayers and casting voodoo spells

just drink some flat seven up and you'll be fine yeah like I keep thinking this if I was like born in the 1950s I'm dead like yeah I'm not making it past the crash definitely Yeah, just throw you in the well.

Yeah, throw you in the septic tank with all the rest. Yeah. Yeah, because that's what scares me about concentration camps, because I know this is the question you guys were asking. Okay, what's the wanting this scares you? Now they've got, like, two reasons. I'm, like, fucking medically defective and, like, Jewish heritage. So, like, I'm a twofer.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't bode well for you. No, I'm not going back in time. Let's be honest, Hitler wouldn't like us either. It's not like he was like, oh, the Irish were great. Yeah, that's true. Oh, fuck. Gerbils, Gerbils would like us, I think.

He'd see what we're doing. You'd think we're a bit of crack. Well, you know what? You could argue that Hitler had one of the very first podcasts. because, like, he would always, like, go on the radio every single day and give, like, a big spiel, you know? It's like, you're listening to Hitler. This is brought to you by audible.com.

Yeah, yeah. Welcome to Hitler in the morning with Hitler. Like Howard Stern, but it's Hitler. Let's see your tities. I don't know why Hitler's Russian all of a sudden. Well, he's still got Robin there as well. Yeah, but she's even first. they're a way. Yeah, yeah. There's an even

greater distance between them. Just that and Joseph Mangeland the fucking experiment on twins, I don't know. Yeah. Twins, yeah. Yeah. Hot. How long have we been going here, Brian?

We're just about done. Yeah. I'm just looking up. Do you ever hear Operation Green? That was Hitler's plans for Ireland. Oh, no? No. Yeah, yeah. This, this your only sounds like it would be a great

full-length podcast for you guys. Yeah, I think actually I might save this another day. It's a lot of stuff about it. Basically he wanted, Ireland would have just been like a base for refueling and stuff. That's pretty much what America uses us for. Don't they refuel in Shannon Airport?

Yeah, but I think Operation Green there's no one here. Okay, right, right, I get you. Where did it gone? Don't ask. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, well, before we wrap up, Jordan, you said, like, you just started a new podcast. Is there anything you want to, like, plug or?

Yeah, no, I just do a weekly sports podcast with Darren Matthews. Just going over loads of different sports. Like, I'm a big American sports fans, like baseball, basketball, American football, and ice hockey. But... L.A. is fucking killing it. L.A.? Yeah, well, it could have been... It could have went either way with Tampa Bay or L.A. Dodgers winning it, because the Tampa Bay Lightning won the Stanley Cup this year as well

so they could have been double champs but yeah no it's it's been a crazy year for sport as long as well Tampa Bay is doing very well at the moments at Tampa Bay in what sport I mean like in all

just in general like they're all like doing well like in the NFL like they're just like flustered is ah I'm not I'm not with the Buccaneers to keep like they'll more and more guys they're like assembling like a mercenary team. They've gone to the finals with

the LMLB baseball. Yeah, MLB, yeah. And like, you know, getting Tom Brady and Rob Bruncowski to that. Those two, but just recently they got, what's his name? The guy who like jizzed on his trainer? What's this?

Who's the guy who jizzed on his trainer? He's like Antonio Brown. The guy who plays for Pittsburgh Oh, he just went to Tampa Bay, didn't he? Did he? No, last time I heard of him, he was, I think he was like tied end for the fucking Pittsburgh Steelers. But what's the story about him coming on someone's shoe? Let me just look this up real quick before we end it. I'm pretty sure he jizzed on his trainer's back.

Injury time is the name of your podcast. Did I get that right? Yeah, you talk with your podcast for a minute. through time with Darren and Jordan. So, yeah, it's a build on Spotify, iTunes, all that kind of noise. So if you like, because Darren plays GAA for, or Hurlin for East Belfast, GAA, which is, it's a real Protestant area of Belfast, is East Belfast. So it's community, nice kind of thing.

That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, between that and this podcast, I think we can finally bring the two sides together. you know. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, long overdue. Yeah, guys, well, fucking, thanks so much for having me on.

Just before you go, Jordan, it's been excellent, okay? Just to say, he does, he has moved to Tampa Bay. Uh-huh. And, um, he didn't think of his trainer's back. Let me just read the actual statement here.

Oh, fuck, I had it. Where is it? Give a second. This is the guy who's going to teach English. Are you kidding me? Uh, uh, his former trainer alleged. that he exposed himself to her

and ejaculated on her back yeah so there you go go buccaneers go bucks who do you support actually before we go

who'd you support um ice hockey Vancouver Canucks baseball with Boston Red Sox um basketball Chicago Bulls and American football the

New York Jets okay that's a very exactic mix it is yeah yeah it's all just from like different family members and stuff like that. Bulls is hard.

Bulls, it's hard. It's been a long time. I don't know. Premier League, real quick. Premier League. I support West Ham because out of spite for my dad because he took me to a match, he was a diehard United fan.

So he took me to West Ham against United in Old Trafford. And we went to the track. Trafford Center before the game and like I wanted a toy or something out of like one of the toy shops like in the Trapperge Center. He didn't get me it. So I was like, fuck you. I'm supporting this thing now. And it's stuck now for over 15 years. I really wanted that Tamagotchi. So Shetrit still burns. Yeah, I get you. I get you. Okay. Well, now that I got down my system, I found out he came on her back. We can end the podcast now. Perfect. You've been, you've been a great guest. It's been so fun. We went. by, we did an hour so quickly.

Yeah, fucking like it. When this lockdown shit's over, we'll definitely have you on proper, you know, be in the room together. Yeah, no, we're getting you down to the house, and I'll tell you what, I'm going to get my girlfriend to look after you.

You never offered that to me. Anyway. All right, guys. You won't, I'll have to convince her. No, it's, it's fine. Like, don't... she's not going to get all weird about it is she come on love yes and it's improv yes and the word no it doesn't exist okay that's the end of the podcast guys uh you've been a great guest

we're going to end it there bye cheers guys