Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 97 : Wild Mountain Thyme Time

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

Brian talks about Wild Mountain Thyme and James can smell something strange.

you're in it well we're in it you're in it okay you're listening to the brian james podcast sponsored by fyser Pfizer yeah i hear nothing but good things about the good sponsorship yeah yeah the big fuck what do you call them the chem uh what do you call them

chem sex yeah the chem sex company sponsored by chem sex do you want to get high and fuck someone and then feel sad afterwards you don't have a choice because i just put something in your drink so it's happening sponsored by Rehypnal It's in the game

I love Pfizer I've been consuming their products for years Happy pills and head meds To make me feel good Not a single problem Never They don't work I'll tell you that

They're duds Don't know we're being sponsored by them James No I'm giving the people the truth No no when you're being sponsored You have to say it's great No matter what And then you have to give a story A personal story about you using a product

And it felt great So say like your life was shit Okay. Yeah, my life was shit. You took one pill, they all changed. It's amazing. I literally see colors like I've never seen before. You took one pill.

And by that, I mean, I've become very racist. You didn't even know black people existed. No, I didn't. I was much happy. Let me tell you, Brian, ignorance certainly is bliss. We're through the looking glass, people. Yeah, you took one pill and then Margot Robbie just called up. I was like, can I suck your cock?

I'm like, oh, if you have to, wake me up when you're done. Yeah. You take some pills just so you knock yourself out. Yeah, yeah. So you don't have to talk to her. Just this bitch you all up in my dick. Oh, she's talking about the suicide squad again. Oh, here we go.

That's what I call your fucking bushy, the suicide squad, because you'll make me fuck you and I want to kill myself. Have you heard the theory? I think I mentioned it before in a podcast that the drugs, this is false, by the way, guys, Pfizer's good. Pfizer's good. But the theory is that pills like this, you know, the vaccine for COVID, Right.

That makes you stop believing in God. What? Yeah. Have you heard this? No, I have not heard this. So the vaccine has stuff in it that changes your brain. It transforms your brain because it's like dead babies in the vaccine. Oh yeah, like fetal tissue?

Yeah, so the fetuses, okay? Change your brain to stop you believing in God. Okay. And they think religion is bad. And because religion is bad in your head now, you won't form communities and families together. Right. Okay.

And that will mean it's easier for you to be controlled by the government. okay now that's the theory is it well it's a theory that's the bobby kennedy junior theory that's that's that's one one thing to say yeah uh no i haven't heard that one now well it's not true well how do you know have you done the research well have you crunched the numbers we just need to start injecting priest to find out do you believe in god that's the question no well then it hasn't even taken the vaccine yeah well then you're patient quiro yeah that's what i call you so anyway yeah so anyway yeah so Yeah, take the pills Or else you're a queer open Yeah, yeah Use promo code Fuck Last one on drugs is a queer

Shouts Blair Oh, I'm feeling good James Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm feeling very good As we said in last podcast We were meant to do a TV show Tomorrow And it got cancelled

It's like a snow day It didn't get cancelled We got cancelled We were told no Actually you're right The show's still going ahead It's still going to be a quiz show And you're going to get me and James on

But they said we were too good for it Yeah So I can still a show up, though. I think I might. Yeah, you should. You should show up with a gun. That'd be a fun prank, wouldn't it? It's a prank, yeah.

You're like Ashton Cotcher. We're just having a laugh. Yeah. Having a little joky joke. I'm a wild card. I'm a wild and crazy guy. But yeah, I might go up and might play detective. You know the way detectives do stakeouts?

Right. I might do that. We're just sit there and watch for hours and hours. I'm like, it's a great prank. Oh, yeah. That's good. Anyway, let's talk about a film? A movie. A movie. A cinematic experience. We're going to talk about Wild Mountain

Time. Yes. Directed by John Patrick Stanley. Yes. An American. No, it's Shanley, isn't it? Shanley? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Shanley. That sounds dumb. Right, okay, fine. Stanley, who cares? His film is shit. Yeah, so I've heard very, very negative things about this film. His filmography is weird, because he did Moonstruck. Yeah, he won an Oscar for that. What's that about? It's about like Cherr falls in love with Nicholas Cage. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, so two freaks get off with each other. Okay. And then he did We're Back, which is an animated film about dinosaurs coming to the present day. Oh. With John Goodman is a dinosaur. Oh. Then he did Congo, which is about killer gorillas.

Then he did doubt, which is about killer gorillas. It's about a petophile gorilla who comes to present. and times and fuck Cher and Nicholas Cage watches. Now that's a movie I'd watch to be honest, that sounds great. So he did all those films, okay, and he's like, what can I do next? I know, Wild Mountain Tyne.

So it's based in his play. I think his play is called like Mullingar. Right. Malinger. Because he's actually American, but he like cashes in on the whole Irish heritage thing. But yeah, his dad's, I think he's like first generation American. His dad got, his dad

sucked off Michael Flatley during a river dance show. Yeah, and then gave Burt. Yeah. If you suck off Michael Flatley, men can give birth. Yeah, then he shit out, Mike, this, what the fucks is called me?

John, Pat. Just call him just Pat, John, Johnny. John, John Pat. Yeah. Jay Pat. Yeah. Jay Pat. Okay. Yo, Jay Pat. Okay, so he was Irish dancing. He was Irish dancing in Brooklyn, and Jay Pat fell out,

and he was like, I want to make shit films. Yeah, yeah. Is doubt good? Doubt's pretty good, but I tell you, It's just the it's the acting that makes it. It's Philip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep. So it's a kind of like

fairly generic paint by numbers pedophile priest story. You know, it's not really reinventing the wheel. Yeah, exactly, yeah. But it's the acting that makes it. So yeah, it's definitely worth a watch. It's like Philip Seymour Hoffman

doing like some of his best work. And he's a pedophile, is he? Well, that's the doubt, Brian. We don't actually know. It won the Pulitzer Prize. Did it? Yeah, the play. Pulitzer Prize for Pettos.

Yeah, the pedophile prize. The pedophile. Actually, I was accused to being a pedophile recently. Yeah, you were. Let's talk with this for a second. We'll get back to Wild Mountain Time. All right.

It all ties in. Yeah, so I was accused of being a pedophile. Yeah. And I'm just going to hit stop. No context. Yeah. I was accused of being a pedophile

and then stop and send the police. We got them. I got him on tape, boys. I'm like Serpico. Leave it outside the police station. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So I was sitting in my room, okay,

watching, I forget what I was watching. I think I was watching it's done for the podcast, okay? I'll tell you what I was watching. I was watching the cars that made America. It's all about the history of Ford. Okay. Yeah, it's pretty good.

The recreations in it are hilarious still because it's about half documentary, half recreation. Like a docu-drama. Docky drama. But all the actors in there are terrible. Right. So a lot of times, you're like, is he meant to be sarcastic right now?

Like the guy who runs GM, he keeps going like, wow, this is a great design. We'll definitely beat Ford with this car. And he's actually being serious, but you're like, he's so shit. You're like, is he being sarcastic? Yeah. Yeah, but he's not. He's just bad acting.

Right, right, right. So I was watching that. And so. I've become a real diesel face, you know, watching these cars documentaries. Okay. You're like, Jay Leno. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Seinfeld, you just love your cars.

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I love cars. I'm a fucking bro. Yeah, yeah. Then I get a phone call, okay. I get a phone call and the guy's like, okay, uh, how you doing that? It's best if you let me talk and don't interrupt. Okay.

And he has this, like, sound of authority. Right. I'm like, oh, this must be important. He's like, yeah, we've been conducting an investigation into people who talk to children online and people who use, use the internet to groom children. Sure. So I'm like, oh, okay. And in my head, I'm like, oh, this must be like a guard. Yes.

Or like a cyber security guy. He's doing an investigation. He needs my help. Yeah. Or like the, you know, security guard in Sainsbury's, you know, he's just going. and above and beyond the call of duty. Yeah, a Tesco security guy. Yeah, yeah.

It's Paul Blart. It's Paul Blart. Paul Blart, Pedophile Hunter. Yeah, yeah. I love it. Okay, so he's like, yeah, he's going around on a segue hunting petos.

So he's like, yeah, we've been in an investigation to a website called Viva Street. Are you familiar with this website? What they call it? Vivistree. Never heard of it. Okay, so Vivistri is a thing that, like,

I would have gone on until when I was younger and, like, didn't know, didn't really fuck much. So Vivistri, it's, it's kind of like, Craig's list for Ireland. Okay. So you can go on there and buy a couch.

Right. But it's also like a section where like does meetups. Okay. So it's a lot of like, you know, a guy overweight, 53 years old, looking for a 20 year old woman

to suck him off. Okay. No questions asked. Yeah. So there's that and there's also like loads of like, yeah, I'm a hot, sexy girl, uh, age 23. Love anonymous sex with old,

ugly men. Please send credit card information. What's this Viva Street? Yeah, yeah. It's just for catfishing, basically. It's very obvious. It's like, yeah, I'm a supermodel, but I love banging old men in Carlo. Yeah, I'm a supermodel whose vagina cures cancer.

Please send me your mother's maiden name. And security codes. Yeah. Oh, it's a sure thing. Yeah, so I haven't gone on this website in, like, years. You've learned your lesson. Yeah, I've lost a lot of money. I lost a house.

and my dad was miffed miffed yeah I also lost my mother I stole my mother to to a gangster online so this guy is like we're doing an investigation of Viva Street

are you familiar with that website and my head's like oh yeah Viva Street so I come out like oh yeah boy I am do I

I sure do yeah because nostalgia's kicking in so I'm like oh yeah Viva Street I'm like way too excited I'm like Yeah that brings me back

Jesus Oh how time flies Okay so he's like Yeah we uh we have records We're talking to underage girls And that's when Maybe the conversation Maybe it's sours a little bit

A little yeah Yeah I was like What And I might have I'm still thinking like Oh this is a guy doing an investigation He's made a mistake Yeah

And I can explain this to him Yeah From a padded cell Yeah, I can explain everything as a mini electric chair. Guys, there's been a huge misunderstanding. So he's like, yeah, you've been talking to underage girls online. I've been like, no, I haven't. He's like, yes, you have.

Don't lie to me. Right. And I'm like, no, I haven't. And like, even if I did talk to, like, underage girls, I didn't meet him. Okay. Yeah, which sounds bad. Is that what you actually said? Yeah, something like that, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that is bad. Yeah, it is bad. Well, I was kind of panicking, like. I was like, but I didn't meet any underage girls. Let me just tell you, you don't react well when you panic. Yeah, yeah. I didn't meet them. I didn't kill them.

Yeah, yeah. I was like, I don't know any underage girl. I haven't talked to him. Even if I did talk to him, like, I didn't meet him. I haven't talked to him anyway. Okay. I was like panicking, talking about it too low. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were kind of like George Costanza. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, underage girl. It would define underage, you know? Defined underage. It depends what country you're in as well, you know? Have you been to Nepal? I mean, yeah, yeah.

In Thailand, it's considered impolite to not talking underage girl. If you don't fucking 11 year old, you're a queer. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, no, no, I haven't. I definitely haven't. He's like, yes, you have, don't like to me. You have?

And I was like, no, I have, I definitely haven't. Yeah. I definitely haven't talked to any underage girls. So you're confident, you know, this guy's got the wrong. Yeah, I just think like, oh, just made a stake here and I need to explain this to him. But I'm not thinking like, oh, he knows my secrets. You're just like burning hard drives.

Putting hard drives into a wood chipper. Shredding hard drives. Okay. So he's like, yeah, we have the information. We know you're talking to these girls. We know you arranged me up with them. We know everything about you. We know your email address.

We know your actual address. We know everything about you. Yeah. And I'm like, what? No. Yeah. No, you don't. And he's like, yes, we do.

And listen, we're going to put your information up on a website. So everyone will know it. And we're going to tell all your neighbors. We're going to come around Tell your neighbors And I was like Don't do that Don't be a spoiled sport

Oh don't be unsound That's not good banter And to be honest My main concern at this stage Like if he tells the neighbors They might hurt my car That's what you have initially thought Yeah yeah

I was like they might smash up my car I don't need this right now You don't want them Spraybent and Pito on your car Yeah it just looks bad Doesn't it Cock Pito Patridge Okay, so I'm like, I'm still like

Oh, don't do that I don't He's like, I'm just telling you what's going to happen I'm just telling you I'm just letting you know This is what going to happen I was like Oh, well no, I can explain I didn't do

I can explain Look, you know kids tell lies They're fibbers They come up with stories Oh they just made up So they get money for bay blades A Digimon cards They love their Digimon Go

Okay. So I was like, no, I don't. He's like, this is just going to happen. Okay. Just what's going to happen. Yeah. Okay. And he was like, you know, unless you can meet me in Tesco right now, there's cameras in Tesco, you be safe. Meet me in Tesco. Give me 150 euro. Right. And we're done. Okay. And right there, I was like, 150. Oh, I'm being blackmailed. Some reason then I was like, oh, I'm grand. Okay. Oh, it's because he can't go to the police then. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Because initially you thought, like, this is actually like a cop or something. You know, well, then I thought, like, maybe it's like, you're like, you're like, just some weirdo internet guy who is like, like, he thinks he's a pedo hunter.

Yeah. And thinks he's doing good and he, like, is, like, is misunderstood. Yeah. And maybe it's like, there's a Brian F tool who's a pedo. Right. And it's a mistake. And I was still like, oh, fuck's sake. I hope this weirdos and, like, think I'm a pedo.

Yeah. But when it mentioned money, I was like, oh, it's a criminal. Oh, okay. Oh, it's a scam. I'm safe now. Yeah, yeah. So I always felt a bit safer now. So I was like, wait, wait a minute, like, how did you get this information?

And he was like, no, we got the information. I can't tell you how, but we have the information. We're going to put up on the website. And I was like, what's the name of the website? He's like, I can't tell you that information. We can't put the website up yet. We're collecting information. We'll put the website up in the next few days.

So now he's panicking. Yeah, now it's like... You turned the tables. You turned the tables on them. So I was like, well, what's my email address? Yeah. And he was like, I don't have that information. with me right now, but we have it all on file. We have all information and we're going to tell

your neighbours. And I was like, what, what's my name? Do you have any information about me at all? He shouldn't have to give you that information. I was like, no, you should know your own name, you idiot. I was like, no, you're blackmailing me. This is how it works. You have to give me some information so I know you're being honest. And then I'll give you the money. He's like, no, we have information about you. We know that. Don't tell me how to blackmail, you son of a bit. She was like, no, we have the information about you, okay? We know you wanted to meet the girls at 2 o'clock, and he cancelled because of work. You're going to meet them on Barrick Street.

We have all the information. I was like, that's... Not true. Yeah, yeah. I'm unemployed. Yeah. And I've never been awake before 3pm. I'm on the pub, like...

Yeah. And he was like, no, no, we have it. You said, you're going to meet them at 2. You'd cancel because he had a work appointment. Now, I was like, what's my name? I know your name. I was like, what is it? he was like, Shane.

Okay. And I was like, that's not my name. He's like, yes, it is. He just, he just threw out a random guess. Yeah, yeah. I just hoped that was your name. Yeah, which, I mean, fair play to him. Yeah, fair play to him, yeah.

It's not exactly, he's not exactly the best liar. No. Yeah, and now it's like, listen man, I'm not going to do this. He was like, well, you know what? We're going to be at your house in 40 minutes. Okay. And I hung up then? Yeah.

And I texted you, I was like, that's a bit, that's a bit weird? Yeah. I might be in a bit silly. Yeah, no, and I remember you text. me and I was like Jesus that's mental man and like I was actually with the lads and they were like here if I was him I just get a knife and be ready

yeah because I was like you know telling me I maybe call the guards or something yeah I mean like if he has what I'm thinking is if he has my phone number maybe he has your address and he shows up with some big heavy guys to like put you up I just didn't want him to like tell

neighbors or like make it into a big thing where it's like oh great now everyone thinks I'm a pedophile again Now I've got to move country again Yeah Yeah I'm gonna have to move to the other housing estate Will disaffect my podcast

Probably would help Probably would Yeah Yeah Yeah yeah yeah So I was like that's wild And he didn't show up And I was like

Okay I think I can relax a bit The next day I'm with my girlfriend All right Now I forgot to mention this to her Okay Because I mentioned it to you And a few other people

Right And I kind of got out my system then Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, I get you. So we're driving home, okay, and as we park in, we get a phone call. I'm just like, oh, it's the guy who thinks I'm a pedo. What? Yeah, I didn't give her any context. I should have, yeah.

So I'd be like, oh, he. And she didn't even flinch. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, he knows, does he? Okay. Yeah, so I was like, oh, shit, I put on a speaker phone, and he was like,

listen, it's best of you don't talk and let me talk right now. I'm doing the exact same script. The exact, exact, so he's literally reading off a speaker. I'm doing an investigation right now into people who are talking to underage girls online and using the internet to groom people and I was like

oh man yeah you called me before he's like no I didn't oh really this guy's very sloppy yeah I know he's not good and listen this I was like you have to give you some information I was saying the same stuff again and I was like what's my name and he goes Shane ah again

that's so weird yeah and this time I noticed that There was like noises. It sounded like he was in the car. Right. Or he was like on the road or something like that. You could hear like stuff passing by. And I thought I heard in the car is on one stage.

Okay. Okay. So we know he turns either left or right. Yeah. Oh, elementary, my dear Watson. From that I can conduct. I can deduct, all right, that he's a botanist from Peru. How did you figure that out?

Oh, it's all rather simple, really? with a fake leg Once I heard the indicator It all fell into place So again he was like Fucking Shane I'm like

That's not my name man Yeah And I was like I'm not giving you the money And he was like Yeah Yeah Cool

I don't care Yeah You can care what a pito does Yeah Then he went like Yeah sure I was only fucking joking Really

I was only fucking joking man, okay. Oh my God. And I was like, all right, that's cool. And I was like, well, I'm going to hang up now because me and the girlfriend are going to make some, make some dinner. He goes like, really, making dinner, yeah? Yeah.

Wow. And I was like, yeah, we are. And he goes, all right, cool, yeah, yeah. What are you having? Yeah. Spaghetti ball in the ears. He goes, yeah, he goes like that. He goes like, all right, cool, yeah.

Well, listen, like, don't fucking, it was just a joke, all right? Don't fucking trace his call. And he just hung up. Oh, my. God, man. That's so weird. This is bizarre. This is like,

it's like somebody who's never done this before or something. Yeah, I was his first attempt. Yeah. And it was so weird the way he was like, yeah, I was just fucking joking. Like, don't make a big deal out of it.

Don't be a fucking prick. It's just, fuck, this is hazing. Yeah, yeah, just banter. Yeah, this is how I make friends. You see Dirty Sanchez. I call him pedos. And then, um...

Ask them for money. Now let a scorpion sting my dick. Yeah, yeah. It's good crack. Yeah. joining the skull and bones. I'm going to swallow a goldfish than throw it up.

Yeah. Why do you think of that? That's a wacky, wacky tale, Brian. I got to tell, you know, people, I've already heard this story, so it's not like I'm just like, oh yeah, whatever. Like, you told me the whole sordid affair. Yeah, but it's definitely...

I told you the uncensored version where I'm actually a paedophile. That's for the Patreon. Yeah, yeah. The Patreon is just me like giving detailed tips under how to hide the files. How to groom children. Yeah. You got to give them cans

and tell them to be naughty. Yeah, yeah. Tell them you've got polarides of them doing gay stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I actually looked up and it's a common thing

like especially young gay kids. They get blackmailed all the time. Oh really? Yeah. Because what happens is like an older guy be like, show me your Willie. Okay. They do.

Like, give me a hundred and fifty or I'll show everyone in your class. And it gives them 150s. He's like, that's not enough. Oh. then this keeps going on until eventually they kill themselves

Yeah See there's not really I can't really You can't make that funny Brian let's just say I'm just that's the fact Okay Thanks

Okay Yeah you're really I mean we're having fun there Well I tell you what I know You being blackmailed as a pito But then you had to take it to a weird Let's go to a funny place then

Okay I know a guy Who's full gay Okay No bisexual about it He's full 100% It's in his DNA okay Straight in no kissing

Yeah and he got called Same thing okay He was like We actually have videos of you wanking online. Yeah. He was like, yeah, show it. Yeah. To be honest, that's what I do.

Like, if somebody said, we have a picture of you or video of you, wanking. It's like, yeah, so. Yeah. Most embarrassing things, you know, how I look with a shirt off. You think anyone's going to be surprised by that? Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, James Caton? He wanks?

He wanks to porn. What? I thought he just bang models all day. Yeah, yeah. Hey. No, yeah, you're right. But I mean, like, pretty accurate. Yeah.

But I mean, it'd be different if someone's like. Can't really defunds. I mean, if someone's like, you know the queen wanks? You'd be like, oh my God, what? I wonder does she wank? Oh, definitely, yeah. I always, you ever hear that thing that there's like a golden dildo in Buckingham Palace? That's not a ting, James.

I know it's not, but I got told it when I was a kid and I believed it. The teacher, did the teacher tell you? My funny uncle. Yeah. Then he gave you some cans that I met on Viva Street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He contacted who said, oh, we're actually related. You should come around to my house.

Tell you what will be a fun segment if I can find my phone. on Fiva Street right now. Oh, what? Yeah, and talked underage girls. Yeah, for the last. For the podcast. A bit of crack. Yeah.

Oh, no, my phone's nearly dead. Yeah, fuck it. No, let's not do that, because it could get weird. Yeah, but literally, it's nearly all, like, guys, like, um, unmarried, uh, obese. Fat and depressed. Um, touch it or all kill myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like...

My people, basically. kind of people. Divorced, 40-year-old, disabled, looking for a girl, no fat chicks. Looking for a Swedish

supermodel. And you better not have a wonky eye or some weird shit like that. Double D or else. Double D or else. I have a knife.

Yeah. Okay, let's get back to Wild Mountain Time. So from pedophile blackmail to something even more disturbing. Oh, satire.

Okay, so it starts off, okay, Yeah, with the beautiful shots of Mayo. Mayo. Yeah, beautiful, like, mountains and the hills. Not a single, like, city or, like, car or anything. It's just all grass, the rivers and the cows, okay? Very, like, the quiet man type aesthetic, you know? Okay.

And we hear Christopher Walken's voice, and he says, I'm dead. Okay. But this is my story. I'm bad. I grew up here in Ireland I got wanked off by a colline with red hair I'll lick my asshole

and I know this is a place for me so I hit it up my ass So he's like They say if an Irish man dies While telling a story He's never really dead What does that even mean?

Don't know First of all nobody says that Ever has ever said it No one's ever said that Because it's a fucking stupid It makes no sense. No. What does it even mean?

If an Irish man dies telling a story, he's never really dead. What the fuck does that mean? Well, there's a lot of that in it. There's a lot of, they all speak poetic in this film. There's a lot of, like, here's another bit of dialogue, okay? Let's see if it like this. Jesus, now he's dead.

He's in the ground. But what about the sky? The sky's for now. The sky's for us. Sure, we are the sky. Fuck all. kill yourself they're pedos

they're all going on Viva Street wanking off to kids whoever wrote that dialogue is a pedo that's where he got the inspiration for doubt yeah it's like hey what if somebody challenged me on the fact that I'm alleged children

doubt was originally about a cool priest a cool screenwriter in Hollywood who knew how Irish people spoke okay so we all the characters so there's Emily Blunt. Yeah, I like

Emily Blunt. She's great in this. She's married to Jim from the office. In real life? Yeah.

Okay. He's the Krasinski one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, they've got kids together.

Yeah. What's that mean? Oh, I bet they do. I bet they do. Okay, well, she's in this, okay, and there's her

and her mother and they live next door to Jamie Dorin and his dad, Christopher Walkin. Okay. And, I think Jamie Dorin's a

terrible actor. He's, not good. No. He's not good. And in this... I don't think he's good at all. In this, he's meant to be

quirky. Right. But Irish people aren't really quirky. No. They're more mentally ill. Mentally ill and depressed. Yeah. What, he's meant to be

kind of adorkeable. Is that right? Not even that. Like, they play it off like, oh, isn't he silly? But it's like, I'll tell you some of the things he does, okay? Okay.

So one thing is a... Drowns a bag of cats. Yeah. Oh. With a full erection. That's my boy. Dramming pussy. in the river, just like I taught him how to do.

So he always talks to the donkeys. Okay. And sometimes he gets a little raft, goes down the lake, and screams. Yeah, okay, so this guy is legitimately schizophrenic. Yeah, he screams and shakes his arm in the sky, like curse you God. Yes, he's mentally ill. But the thing is, like, Emily Blunt walks past, and he goes, oh. And she's like, ah, Jesus, he's off shouting at the sky again.

Oh. So they lived beside each other And him and Emily Blunt I've always had this little romance Will they won't they? Yeah, yeah But it seems like he's so weird He doesn't realize it

He's so mentally ill Yeah, yeah He's a bipolar paranoid schizophrenic He talks to donkeys He talks to trees as well Okay, he's fucking nuts Yeah He's a fucking wackad though

Yeah But she's always looking at a window going like, Ah, Jay's, he talked to the donkeys again. He's a free spirit. Ah, I was once told I have a fanny,

like a yawning donkey. God, I'd love it if he talked to me like that. Yeah. So the, the drama is, okay, Emily Blunt's father dies. Okay.

And she's going to get the land. What? A woman? Fuck ya. I'd rather give it to the fucking donkeys, pal. You having a laugh. Okay.

And this starts a conversation between Jamie Doran and Christopher Walken because he's like you're going to give the land to me right and Walkins like I'm not sure I gotta think about it And Jamie Doran's like

I'm your only son who's left All the other sons have gone off I'm the one who stayed I should get and he's like I'm thinking about it Is Christopher Walkin doing an Irish accent Yes A good Irish accent? No

Everyone's doing bad Irish accents Even Jamie Doran Even the Irish people Yeah yeah Well I give them a bit of slack I think probably what happened was the... You're right, you should be executed.

It should be. Yeah. Firing squad. Yeah, yeah. Do you watch a real firing squad? Of course. I'm not a buffed. What are you thinking about that?

Gets me off. It's a goof. It's a bit comical, isn't it? Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? Because they do flop around. Oh, look at you silly man. He fell out of there and had the red sauce come out of his face. Ooh, he got ketchup.

He's got fanny juice pouring out of his face. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what should happen to Emily Blunt. It's a bit of a goose. While, I tell you, she gets shot, okay, and then John Krasinski looks in the camera. Then Dwight does something. You know I'm talking about people. Yeah, get with it.

Okay, so there's a bit of drama about like, oh, will Jamie Doran get the land or not, okay? Yeah. And basically, Christopher Wagner's like, listen, you're a bachelor. You haven't had enough pussy. Yeah. I don't think you're a man. I don't want to give you land until you've proved yourself as a man. God damn funook, boy.

Get some goddamn fuck. fucking pussy or else you don't get no fucking land. Yeah. I think basically we're meant to think that Jamie Doran's like a virgin. Right. Or at least he's not very good with the ladies. Yeah, yeah. He's literally a underwear model for Abercrombie and Fitch, but he's too dorky to get with women.

If you're good looking enough, it doesn't matter how mentally retarded you are. You will get some put hay. Yeah. So like he is, he's legit like gone. Same for women. If you're an attractive, retarded woman, you'll get some dick. Even the ugly retards get dick.

They don't have a choice. Jesus, James, calm down, okay? Yeah, you've had too much funny juice. I have, yeah. I'm getting no silly, all dizzy in the head. Okay, so, and Emily Blunt, she's so wet for Jamie Dorn in this. There's a scene that where she'll see Jamie Dorn and she'll say out loud, Jesus, I must have him

Okay Yeah She's so wet and horny for He's a good looking man Okay Even though he's like Just talking to the cows And licking tractors

All right Yeah Okay Now Jamie Dorn Here's this It's like I'll prove you I'll get some pussy dad I'll show you

Yeah So he goes to the pub And orders an orange blossom Whoa What's that? It's like a cocktail Okay And

Then like They like he goes and meets, this is a weird scene, he goes, meets a girl. Yeah. And this girl's like 40, but she's acting like a little girl. She's like, ah, Jesus, how you doing? Okay. All right. And then, um, she chats to Jamie Doran. Right.

They go to a graveyard together. Yeah. They sit on a wall. Okay. And she's like, oh, when I was young, I slept with a priest. And he's like, that's very naughty. She's like, oh, I know. Then she falls off a wall.

We never see her again. Really? Yeah. Okay. What's that mean? I have no idea. We never see that woman again. I can only assume Jamie Dorn killed her and drowned her in a river.

Sweet. Yeah. That's my boy. Like the Irish Christian Grey. Yeah. She just ended up in a septic tank and chew him. Instead of like, you know, the red room where you like tickles away a fetter. Yeah.

He just throws on a slurry pit. Okay. So anyway, like, so then this is where a drama comes in. Okay. So that was like a weird scene that had no relation to it. then John Hamm comes along Oh fuck yeah And John Hamm is like the rich American

Right Okay And he's meant to be the villain in this Because he's like Geez you're all depressed Wouldn't you like Want to move? Yeah

They're like oh you yanked your notions Maybe go to a doctor Or go somewhere Where there's a bit of sun Or eat an apple or something Who does that yank think he is? What's he do? Here's a thing that's insulting, okay?

Okay There's a running joke where John Ham's like how many acres you have and no one knows they're all like sure why would I want to know that sure why would I be knowing how many acres I have

that's not important the land itself the fields are important yeah you need to declare how much land you have for tax rebates insurance purposes yes documentation

we're not all fucking people living in muck out here you know we do have to actually answer to like insurance companies none of the characters know how many acres they have and I'll treat him like he's a

weirdo for asking Like he's asked Like would you fuck your wife much She'd be like That's an awful Personal question now Okay Or like he asks

Like how many molecules He's on your body You know It's like That's an impossible thing to know Yeah Numbers aren't real Only the land is real

Yeah I know how much How much grass Can grow in a field And how much the cows can eat So that You know for his tax forms He just writes

He just writes That For his tax form He just covers it In cow shit and sends it off in the post Yeah, okay That'll do

So here's a funny scene Okay So they have a picnic Okay With all the family members And all the Irish people are like Traiti is why are you having a picnic now This is mad

It's like to keep the yank happy You know the yanks love their picnics All right So they have it And then like John Ham does a bit of flirting With Emily Blunt And then

We go from the flirting To a scene of someone getting wheeled into a hospital Into an ambulance all right We do not see the face We just see a white head Okay We go into the

We cut to the hospital And we assume Someone's died Yeah And there's all these scenes And people feeling sad Right And people crying

And we're like Who the fuck died Yeah Yeah yeah And then we just assume It's the mother It's Emily Blunt's mother Right

They never fucking say Would it not have been Christopher Walking no No it's Emily Blunt Oh okay yeah right but we they never fucking it's so badly edited and shot it john stanley directed this as well okay so like he's he's not our director right he's a writer so the way they shot it no one knew the mother died until like five minutes later okay okay it's very badly done right right right i get you yeah so now emily blunt owns the land full out okay okay and doran's thinking about if he proposes marriage he can get like the land as well oh yes and then he can get the girl of his dreams No, he just wants the land He just wants to fuck the trees

Yeah So, but then John Hamm shows up again, all right And he brings Emily Blunt to America Oh, really? Yeah, yeah Because she wants... What does he do exactly? He's like an architect or something

Why is he there though? Because he's got relatives in Ireland I smell something weird Like porridge or something Is that a sign of a stroke? Yeah, I know, I'm actually concerned I don't smell it Maybe they're cooking porridge downstairs

Maybe I don't know Maybe I shit myself Maybe I'm dying. Yeah. Anyway. Maybe I did ship pure porridge. I'll smell it, no. No, I can't.

Anyway. Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll live. Maybe I won't. All right. So then John Hamm brings her over and gives her... Brings her over to America, right?

Yeah. And then shows her an amazing night in New York City. Right. The whole time she's like, ah, that's good, but... Where's the fields? It's no male. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like this at all.

Right. And then he kisses her. At the end, and she goes, oh, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus. And she just walks home, she gets on a plane on the plane. She's like, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus. Oh, okay, it's like a montage of her going, oh, Jesus. Yeah. And we're like, is she something wrong with her as well.

Yeah, yeah. Does she smell porridge too? Yeah. They all smell porridge. Just for listeners, James is very concerned with the porridge. That's not even porridge. Do you smell something cooking? They're probably cooking downstairs.

But do you smell it? No. But I've got bad smell Okay When I was a kid I put jelly up my nose Look if they're not cooking downstairs Something's going wrong here And I'm dying

This isn't good for listener Sorry yeah okay The listener can't smell I'm sorry that I'm dying On your watch The listener feels left out Alright let's go to your fucking You're getting distracted

I'm gonna go see You keep talking Okay I'm leaving Yeah you go check James is so concerned about this Just to let listener know For the last few minutes James has not been listening

to me describe the film which is, he's missing out because surely the best thing in the world is hearing me describe a film and not actually watching it. That's what people pay extra for. But yeah, the whole time he's been like, sniffing like and I thought it was something wrong.

Wait, James is running upstairs. James is back. Okay. We're cooking popcorn. Okay. So fuck you guys. gaslighting me. I didn't gaslight you.

I said they were probably... Telling me you don't smell anything. I don't. You're like John Hamm coming into my house trying to confuse me. Yeah, and I kiss you because I want your lands. Okay, let's get back to the shit, Phil.

What was the point of that? What? You just had a little moment there. No, it was a genuine moment of concern because I could smell something weird. I know, I smell things all the time. Well, I guess I'm not as emotionally mature as you. Tell you what, if you went to my place,

you'd be freaking out. I probably will. All sorts of smells. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm sorry that I derailed us there. What did you talk about when I was gone?

Just about you smelling things. Okay. Okay. I get that sometimes. I get like a weird smell and then I'm overcome with anxiety because I think I'm having a stroke. That was a genuine moment of terror there. I didn't leave the room as a bit, as a goof. I was terrified.

Okay. Well, anyway, look, so Emily Blunt's confused now because there's two men that she wants to bang. Okay. I'm sorry, now, you probably did say, but I was so concerned about dying. Why is John Hamm over in Ireland? I did tell you this, yeah. He's got relatives in Ireland. Oh, look how angry you're getting...

Yeah, I'm not getting talked down to it by a paedophile, all right? You nonce. Fuck you. I got away with it. If I did it. He's got... You're going to release a book. I love the idea.

Somewhere in Ireland is a paedophile called Shane. He was just like, he's just... You're getting all his... And he's there just banging kids Yeah, he's like, no blackmail for me The Teflon Pito So anyway, Emily Blunt goes back And then she talks to Jamie Doran for like 20 minutes

Because it's based on the play So it's just them talking for ages Right, right, right, right, okay And she's basically like, please let me marry you Please, and he's like Ah no, you can't marry me, sure I'm gun on the head, sure I hear voices? Really?

He says he hears voices, yeah? I am Jamie Doran. I'm Jimmy Doran, but if he was unattractive. Yeah. Oh, God. And then she's like, Ah, sure, look, we're all mentally ill. Sure, I'm suicidal.

Really? Yeah. And she just brushes it off as a goof? Yeah, yeah. She's like, ah, sure, that's the Irish. Jesus. There's a good few jokes about suicide in this. Really?

Yeah, there's a joke about one of their uncles is like, Asher, he killed himself. No, he didn't kill himself. He went for a swim and drowned. He tied himself to a rock. Yeah, it's like, ah, that's true. The Irish do kill ourselves. Yes, we are a depressed people.

Yeah. We are very suicidal. You got me, you got me Yeah, my dad went dancing At the end of a rope Way, oh God Yeah I'm so painful

It never goes away at the pain So then like, you know, she's like You're just brushing it off You don't care, do you? Sure, I'm with Irish We're the Irish Anyway, go on So they have a big talk for ages

Where she's like, oh sure I'm a swan What does that mean? I think it means like spiritually I'm a swan or something like that Right, okay And it's kind of like Asher, I can't marry, I'm mad, I'm mad, he runs away. Right.

Now, this time, Christopher Walken's dying. Okay. So Christopher Walken's on his deathbed, okay? And he's like, son, I'm dying. But I just want to say, I love you, son, I love you, I love you so much. Christopher Walken goes, oh, daddy, oh daddy, oh daddy. He literally goes, oh, daddy, oh daddy, oh daddy, says it like six times, okay. Christopher Walken does.

No, Jamie Doran. Be weird if Christopher Walkins said. yeah well that's what you know because you did say it's like he says it's i know whatever okay gaslighting me again yeah oh can you smell popcorn this time no on the end of my fist yeah okay this would be the popcorn episode the popcorn boys yeah okay so and then like it's our pito ring the popcorn petos yeah yeah okay can you hear the pop corn yo cherry okay so jimmy dorans like oh daddy oh daddy oh daddy oh dad While they're in bed

And then it cuts away And we just assume he died Right We never We never actually say it Really? Yeah Now Jamie Dorm

Goes back Okay And he's like Oh Jesus Maybe I will marry you Oh no And then they get in the car

And the car crashes And they're in the rain Then they kiss each other Right Yeah And I should say as well That while this kissing Is going on

John Hamm is flying Back to Ireland To get Emily Blum Yeah, but on the plane he meets another Irish girl. Oh. And he's like, cutting her wrists. What is with you, Irish broads? You're all crazy.

Oh, sure, Jesus, I'm pure depressed. Sure, the priest touched me. And now I'm all dizzy in the head. Ah, God damn it. Just have a cappuccino and relax, honey. Have some volume. You ever watch an Adam Sandler movie for fuck sake? Oh, Jesus, I wouldn't know about that, though.

Yeah, he does. he does go like why is it we are you Irish people you don't want to be happy and she's like

sure being happy you know you're a yank oh okay okay and what happens is um

Jamie Jamie Jamie Dore and Emie Blunt get married okay hooray yeah to go to the pub

and have a sing song together to get on stage and sing that's how Irish people get married that's what the ceremony actually is

and then we pan to the audience we see Emily Blunt's mother there See Christopher walking there And we see John Hamm with the girl on the plane Okay And now they're like holding hands and kissing

Michael Collins is there Yeah Two-pack Biggie's there The brother from love hate Yeah Robert Kennedy Jr Jimmy Hendrix

The Beatles They're all there Nidge The whole gang All the Irish legends Michael Flatley Michael Flatley The entire Riverdance team

were there Gable Dustin the Turkey Yeah Podge and Rodge Yeah they're all just hanging out Yeah yeah And then they all sing

And then we hear a voice over From Christopher Walkin Going like You know what I always say When an Irish man dies Telling the story He never truly dies And then we see

Another shot of like The beautiful Mayo countryside it gets dark The end That sounds like The biggest Piece of shit Like it actually sounds like

It would be a genius parody Of an American filmmaker portraying Irish culture But the fact that it's played Dead Straight Like this is

Like who is this for Who like See this got me thinking Alright Like who Yeah So this is obviously This is a Hollywood

production Yeah And they got the funding By getting American actors That's But like Like, you know what, this, we've seen these kinds of films before, like about Adam and shit like that,

where American filmmakers and production companies come in. This was like during the California. That was another one. Yeah, Far and away is another one. Like, into the West. Like, all these, like, Americanized portrayals of Irish culture. It's always really stupid, silly, plastic paddy, over the top nonsense. I've got Terry.

I've got Terry, okay. Hit me with it. So, you know the way Jews? Do you know the Jewish people? I'm familiar. They have Israel. Yes. So that's their chosen lands.

Yeah. And that's kind of like, you know, it's like, well, you know what? Everything's okay in Israel. Now, in real life, it's not. Yeah. There's a good few buses get blown up every now and again, all right? No. Nah, I don't believe it.

Yeah. That's fake news. Palestinian propaganda. That's what that is. Okay. But in their head, it's like, well, at least there's somewhere from me. Yeah. Now, there's a lot of Irish Americans.

Yes. Who are just American, okay? Yeah. But they need an identity. identity. They see the blacks, you know, they see black people with their hip-hop and they're jealous. Yeah, yeah. And they're, they see the B-boys out in the street breakdancing, with their Rundee-M-C cassette tapes. Yeah, they're jealous. They want their identity. Yeah. And they have an image of Ireland in their head that isn't a D4 Dublin. Yeah. It's not, it's not fucking junkies on Sheriff Street. It's not fingless, okay? It's not, it's not even like limerick, okay? It's feel.

It's literally like the West. Yeah, yeah. It's in the... So in their perfect world... Yeah. And the image we sell of Ireland and here's a thing I think is true. It's very white.

That is true. You're right. Yeah, absolutely. It's very white. No multiculturalism whatsoever. No other ethnicity. It's always Irish, white Catholic... In this film, okay,

Wild Mountain Tyne, there's not a single... Even like tanned person. Really? Yeah. It's all pale white people. Okay. So I think for an Irish American, okay, let's say he's in Boston, his life is shit. Yeah. Okay. The Celtics are shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, oh my God, sure at least someday I can go to lovely Ireland. Yeah, yeah. Now, they go to Ireland. They go to Ireland. They go through Dublin City Centre, like. They go to Temple Bar. Yeah. And then they go to like, what's the Atlantic Way? Wild Atlantic Way. They go to those two spots. I'm like, jeez, that's, that's Ireland. Yeah. Well, see, Dublin, Dublin is a very multicultural city, though.

They get out with Dublin very quick. Yeah. Oh, I mean, oh, what the fuck's going on here? Yeah, yeah. They go to Dublin, they see one, uh, scary looking man. Yeah, they go to a McDonald's on O'Connell Street. They're like, oh! Yeah.

Yeah. This is even worse. They want their money back. Yeah. They could blame them. They want a refund because they saw one guy with a turban. Yeah, yeah. So then they get a, they get a money back.

on our bus on bus and head out to the west Yeah Yeah And they're like This is good Now this is good

This is good This is what I'm talking about Ah Look at those fucking Feels We got a dog over here Some fucking sheep Yeah

It's fucking awesome A man hanging From a tree Yeah That's the Irish That's the Irish We're depressed But it's good

Yeah Yeah They're little fetishising Their depression Really do Because these They're in going Like

If I made some changes And didn't Didn't drink All the time Yeah Yeah Maybe took some Multivitamins

And tried yoga. It's like those people who are like, yeah, I beat my wife, but you know, I'm hot tempered.

I can't help it, you know? I'm a passionate guy, yeah, right? Yo, the Celtics lost. I got a... This broad comes in here talking about the guacabagoo.

I can't change it. Yeah. I can't change it. It's same with the Irish, I think it was like, Jay's I'm depressed because I drink all the time and me life shit.

It's the Brits. Yeah, it's the Tans. It's the Brits fault. The tans tricked me into drinking every night. they tricked me into impregnating my second cousin and having retarded children

that I can't afford to keep I didn't think they'd live this long this motherfucker's in his 40s he's still alive yeah Prince Philip told me to do it yeah modern medicine is ruined this country keeping all the retarded children alive into their 40s

Jesus Christ where'd that come from wow it's nothing to do what we're talking about at all I really just I was making a good point about race. One of the first times

I made a good point on this show and I just ruined it. And you're like yeah and also disabled people live too long and nurses

get paid too much yeah yeah well you know what if these student nurses want some money maybe it gives some of those mongos a pillow treatment

you know what I mean and you know we're sick of us you're ruining this country yeah you hear it I'm running for office catting for president

peace I'm outy oh fucking Even Iceberg Slim paid his whores. This is what happens when you make me record late into the night. I'm all dizzy and I say, you put bad thoughts in my head. I'm not responsible. You make me say the silly things.

But yeah, Wild Mountain Time, okay? Sounds awful. It's bad, it's pandering, and it's a sign that... Who? Who is it pandering to? The Americans. But even they must know, come on. No, they love it. No. They love this stuff.

Okay. They love... They think, like, far. in a way, did very, very well. Really? Yeah, it's a big success. I've never watched it. What's it even about?

It's like Tom Cruise, it's like an Irish guy. Right. And there's like a rich Irish girl. I think it's Kidman. It's a Kidman? Some lady. Yes. And then they run off together and make it in America.

Right. And I think he becomes like a bare knuckle boxer at one stage. And then like, I don't know, they start a fucking company. Okay. And it's like, sure, you can make it in America, can't you? Yeah, yeah. And that's how, uh, yeah. General Motors was founded.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, wild mountain time. Yeah, shite. You didn't like it. No. What are we at here?

We're at 51 minutes. Okay, people don't like it when you count the time. Whoa. Yeah, they want to... I'm sorry. I thought it was having a stroke two minutes ago. And now I'm talking about killing retards. What do you want for me?

I'm all over the place. I'm falling apart here. I am a man in decline in free fall on the downward spiral. So I'll keep time. I'll count the minutes of... I want to. This is my goddamn house. I pay bills in this motherfucker and I'll do what I want. Okay, let's talk about some MBA. Oh, here we go. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so Malik Beasley. Okay. I've been waiting for you to bring it up. Okay. He's 24 years old. Yes. Okay.

His father was an actor in Rudy? Rudy? The movie with Sean Astin? I don't know. Wait, what team does he play for? What is he play for? Is it Nuggets? Okay. Oh, no. He was with the Nuggets, I think. Now he's with the Timberwolves.

Okay. Okay. So he got in a bit of trouble, okay? Right. So, well, recently he got a bit of attention because he's been banging Scottie Pippen's ex-wife. Oh, she's nice. Oh, she's very nice.

And she's way older, and that's cool. She's like 40 and he's like 24. Yeah, but she still looks really. Real good. Oh, you wouldn't know if she was 40 at all. Like, that's where Scottie,

that's where half of Scottie Pippen's money is went. Okay. So he's got a spot of bother because what happened is, um, oh, by the way,

you know, he got, he got pictured holding hands with Scottie Pippen's wife. Okay. His, uh, his wife found out. Oh shit.

He's married and his mistress found out. Oh, what? Yeah. Yeah, now he's got two women, okay, that are angry with him.

Apparently the wife knew about the mistress. wisdom's like, you're allowed one. Ah. You're a loud one. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he got in trouble because he had a big house, okay, full of like, I think he had some unregistered guns and lots of weed.

Whoa, man, this guy's, this guy is a hero. Yeah, he's pretty cool. 24. 24, yeah. He's got a wife, a mistress, a mansion. A second mistress and a mansion full of guns and weed. Yeah. And he plays professional.

And his dad was in Rudy. Yeah. I mean, this guy, who. This is like the. This is, you know what, this is like the guy who fucks of the week. This guy, this is awesome, okay? The, Brian and James fuck each other man of the week.

Yes. Now, here's the bit of trouble he got into, okay? So, he was on the, he lives in a neighborhood, okay? A nice neighborhood. Right. And there was a couple driving along with their teenage daughter in the back, okay?

They parked outside his house to check directions, okay? So they're checking the map wherever. Right. Malik walks out with a gun Oh shit To be an assault rifle Oh shit

And told him to get the fuck off his property And he knocked on the window Okay pointed at the daughter And then pointed the gun at them As they drove away Now obviously the police got involved Oh Johnny Law here he comes Fucking pigs

Kill him the buzz A cab The police got involved Raid to the house found the guns in the weed the wife took the blame nice good woman she's a soldier

she's taking one for the team jumping on a grenade and after this he cheated on her after yeah wow well look I mean to be honest when you're living that kind of a life

at 24 I assume your your psychology is like I can do what I want and he's right if I got rich to that age I'd be doing way worse stuff I'll be on Viva Street all the time You just want to Went out to that family

It's like See your daughter She's mine now Get the fuck off my property Yeah my name Call me Shane Shane is my alternative personality Yeah your alter ego

Yeah yeah It's like that movie split Yes exactly But all of your personalities Are paedophiles And one's a kid Oh no I don't like it here

I'm just molesting my Every time I wank and molesting myself. I'm cutting back and forth. Like, stop, stop. Yes. You love it. You a little hoa. Oh, fucking hell. This is fun. Do you want

to talk about Hitch real quick? Yeah, go on. Let's talk about Hitch, okay? So I watched the film Hitch with my girlfriend, okay? Okay. And she, I actually was way more into it than she was. Right? Yeah, she kind of fell asleep on stage. And I was like, wake up, it's Hitch. It's Paul Blart and the French Prince.

Together at last. Finally. So basically hitchooker, it's Will Smith. Yeah. And his whole thing is he's a relationship doctor. He's a date doctor. Right. And he helps men get the women of their dreams and fall in love.

He doesn't help people get pussy. No. That's not his style. He's not like a Neil Strauss type. Is Neil Strauss the game? Yeah, it's him, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's his story?

He's just a fucking scumbag, really? Is he a scumbag? Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of, I think there were some allegations came out after. it is a lot of like you know being kind of creepy and weird like and kind of just harassing women berating them into having sex with you

yeah well his whole thing is like it's a game um do not think of them as people that gets in the way yeah exactly yeah he calls it like charging like when you go and start hitting on women it's called charging and then there's negging as well where you like talk down to make them

feel shitty basically so the whole thing is like be really psychological manipulative until you break them down and then they touch it that's basically the book If that don't work Just getting hooked on drugs Yeah look just get a gun

Yeah The audio book That was the audio book Was just by a gun I love like you get an audio book And says it's eight hours long Yeah He says get a gun

And rest your silence And then you hear a gunshot So anyway Hitch okay He helps people Get into relationships Right Now it's interesting about Hitches

It came out 2004 Okay, now It was a good year The London bombings 77 Was there a connection Well, very possibly I'm just saying

Those terrorists had hitch around They wouldn't have needed a bomb Exactly Too busy banging women Yeah, yeah, yeah So hitch, okay It's Will Smith And it's going to be a girl

Now the studio didn't know what to do Because they didn't want to get a black woman Because then it's a black movie And people don't want to watch black movies Oh Okay and didn't want to get a white woman What are your sources on this

Or is this just your hypothesis No this is on Wikipedia It was a big thing Okay It was a big controversy at time Oh okay And they didn't want to get a white woman Because then it's like

What a black man The white woman That's taboo It won't it won't sell Oh wait so it was meant to be Instead of the Kevin James role It was meant to be a woman No what are you talking about

No What are you talking about Because you're a retard You can't explain anything You can't explain hitched properly Yeah Let me try better Okay

Go on late, okay? So what I meant was, in this Will Smith falls in love with Eva Mendez, who's Latino. Right. Now, they were going to get a black actress, but they were like, then it's a black movie. Yeah, you do not

explain this at all. I thought you were... And then you lashed out at me for not knowing what you're talking about. I thought you were just assumed. I'm not obviously on the time like, oh no, if he bangs Kevin James, they won't like it. You didn't even mention that there was a love interest. I was going to get to it. You just said that he was a, you know, he helps people.

find women and then you're like but they didn't want a black woman like you completely jumped over it and then you fucking get mad at me for not no one the inner workings of your retarded mind well fuck you sorry no no I deserve let's talk about Hitch some more I deserved it yeah I deserved it so I didn't want so basically it's got Latino okay it's neither one or the other yeah okay it's not white as his love interest yeah yeah right okay so he falls in love with a girl but then she finds out he's a date doctor and she's like oh that's disgusting

you help men get pussy ew yeah but in the film she's a gossip columnist okay so her whole thing is like you know making severities kill themselves yeah yeah she works for TMZ yeah yeah yeah like her whole thing is like making Caroline flat kill herself

but then she's like oh you help you help Kevin James get pussy you're disgusting Kevin James should never get pussy you ever say his wife actually Kevin James's wife she is smoking hot

it's like a really hot Asian woman and she's Oh no She's very attractive Does she know what's going on No no she's like Missa James please I need to go back to home country

Shut up I was Paul Blart I know a guy Well no one's the nine The scene around college Yeah he's got an Asian girlfriend And he's very He's smaller than me

Okay But she's smaller than him And he's very dominant over her Oh Very leads to away a lot and what i've noticed okay what a leash he's got a leash no just with the heart like very very much like drags her okay yeah that's not a good look yeah yeah and like like i've seen sometimes like she's talking someone else and he gets between them oh really yeah yeah oh he's one

of those then yeah yeah yeah he's not hitch he ain't no hitch he's not even paul blart no yeah he's kevin james when he played the name Nazi. I've never seen that film. No, I mean either, but it's terrible apparently. But anyway, look, let's get back to Hitch. That's not much to say. No, I'm sorry. I really like, I got very angry at you there. I kind of like late night James.

There's not much difference between late night James, early morning James, middle of the day James. It's kind of all the same. If I'm not being gay, I'm being angry. You wake up in morning, like, retard should die. Also, I smell popcorn. Yeah. And Brian's

retard sorry for lashing out of it. Brian's a drain on the NHS. You make me so angry as a thing. You yink I like it. Jake, I like having to correct you all the time. You embarrass me. You're hot-blooded. You're Irish. You know, you can't help it. It's part of your DNA.

It's part of my DNA. You're fiery. Okay. So, Will Smith, did you enjoy hitch? I liked it for what I was. Yeah. It was a bit stoned. Okay. That's probably... The whole thing is, yes, so he can find a day for anyone and then Kevin James calls like oh it's gonna be a challenge

yeah because he's a fat guy well the funny thing is in the film Kevin James has like a nice job in New York he's got like a big New York apartment he seems very wealthy but he's still like oh I can't get girls he's always spilling mustard on himself

and falling over so he needs yo look I keep telling you you need to stop bringing jars of mustard with you but I like it I just like it He's just like, he's downing mustard. I don't know what I'm going wrong, Will Smith.

He's talking about a girl who's going, well, I was like, just one minute. He goes to the bathroom, just downs it. Chops up a line and sniffs it. Oh, that's the good stuff. He has a baby bottle full of mustard. I just sucks it. He's got like one of those beer hats,

but instead of the cans, it's two jars of mustard with the straws. Yeah, he's proper dumb in this film. Really? Yeah. He's a bit in there where, like, he has to do, like, I think it's like a first date or something, he goes to the bathroom and he accidentally rips a sink off the wall.

Okay. Yeah. So, water goes everywhere on his trousers. Oh, I see. He's like, oh, no. So he puts the trousers on, like, uh, some of a radiator. Right. And then he forgets his walks out without his trousers.

Okay. Right. He's like, oh, no, I forgot me trousers. See, that's what happens when you let them live to that age, Brian. This is what they do. And they get high on mustard. Oh, take the dizzy sauce makes me feel. fatty. And in the film

he wants to get with, she's one of the richest women in New York, okay? Oh, who is she, who's played, does... Some girl. Is she hot? No, she's hot. She's not a known actress. And her last boyfriend was the king of Sweden, okay? And Kevin James, like, I want her. Make it happen,

Will Smith. Do a hitch. Yeah. Make her touch it. Do you still have that memory eraser thing for men in black? I want to suck mustard over titties. so then like you know you can kind of predict

but James tell me what happens okay I actually have no idea so okay all right Kevin James is bumbling she's rich right what he's going to happen oh it's like

she's kind of finds it charming that he's a goofball because she's surrounded by the rich the elite people and she's like here's this fat goofball and she's like oh he's so charming and silly. All the other guys are like, hey. He's covered in mustard

and he shits himself. Yeah. All the other guys are like, hey, how you doing? Do you want to go on my private yacht? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at my fancy suit. She's like, boring. I see Kevin James, he's like, you know, he's got his dick stuck in something. His dick

is in a jar of mustard. And then he has my hot dog. And now it's on my ding-dong. Oh, no. He's got a plate on his head. And spaghetti everywhere. She's just like, oh, my. Oh, he's a real man. He's just, uh, yeah.

He's not afraid to be himself. I've got your motion on my ding, dog. Yeah, yeah. So then at the end, okay, so the, the journalist, okay, publishes the story in his front page news. Oh, really? Yeah. Man helps men find pussy.

Okay. Stop the presses. Okay, yeah. It's the front page of the New York Times. There was a terrorist attack the same day. They're like, not important. There was a second 9-11. Like, no, Hitch.

This is the real story. Hitch helps men. Wow. Black helps fat get laid. Yeah. That's the headline. Okay, so then the rich girl finds out, okay, and she goes to Hitch. Did you tell him all?

Did you tell him to spill mustard on his toy? Mm. He's like, no, he did that himself. She's like, he's so charming And then they get married Wow Okay

And then Will Smith goes to the journalist And he's like You know what You're the only girl That my powers of seduction Haven't worked on Because I've been in love with you too much

I forget it all Oh really And she's like Oh how sexy Oh so that's it He turns into a bumbling fool Mustard on his dick And that's what women love

Apparently The thing she loves Okay, so he's trying out all these, like, moves, okay? And she's like, oh, boring. I'm Eva Mendez. I've seen it all. I've given birth to two of Ryan Gosting's children. Okay.

I've seen it all, Will Smith, okay? And but then what happens is, they go on a day, and he eats, like, shellfish. Okay. And he's an allergic reaction. Oh, okay. So he gets, he, they get him like Bianzo Paul, Bambole, what do you call it? Bealamzeobble? Benadry.

Benadry, okay, yeah. She gives him, he drinks to it, Benadryl and gets high. He's like, whee. Okay And because he's high She's like Oh he's so charming Because he's high

He's like His face is all swollen And he's like High on drugs Yeah He's like I'm a Superman I'm a Superman

But I feel dizzy And funny Oh he's so charming Then him and Kevin James Getting the spaghetti They fight over mustard It's mine Yeah

And the two women are like That's my man Yeah Yeah So they get married And then they all They dance right

okay and oh here's the little funny scene at the end you like this okay so Eva Mendez

has an ugly unfuckable friend okay she's not unfuckable in real life but in the film she's like I can't get a man

even though she's like incredibly attractive I can't get a man no one will fuck me my pussy so dry

right I've got to have my stand for your pussy okay so at the wedding of Kevin James and the blonde

rich woman okay everyone's dancing And then this old woman comes by And she's like Oh hello dearie How are you doing Oh not good

I can't get a boyfriend She's like Oh really And she eats like a grape And goes It starts choking And then like A handsome guy comes out

And gives her the Heimlich maneuver And he goes Oh granny, you okay She's like I'm fine You should meet this nice girl And then like The guy's like

Hey how you doing then the old lady looks a hitch and winks oh yeah she's in cahoots with hitch yeah yeah yeah maybe she taught hitch everything he knows probably yeah oh wow she was his mentor right she taught him out to get pussy yeah she was probably a woman

in like the 50s she was getting they're getting pussy in the 50s being a lesbian in the 50s that's hardcore cold war pussy yeah yeah I like it were like you know the bomb could go any minute no touch it you know as the wall was falling yeah She was eating pussy

As like the wall is falling Mr. Gorbachev Eat that pussy Eat that old woman's ass So that's how the film ends Yeah It sounds like fun It's like a silly film

Or it's like you know And Kevin James was a lot of falling over I actually I was like I watched like Paul Blart there Not too long ago Because I was like depressed So I was like

I want something That'll make me feel better It makes it worse It made it much worse Yeah, needless to say, my toaster went for a swim that night. Is Paul Burt, what, is this terrorists in there? What story? Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like a gang of like, it's a gang of like, they do like a parkour, you know, like, what is that, like free running jumpet?

Yeah, yeah, parkour, right? So they're like this gang of, they're not terrorists, they're just like, they're like robbers or, you know, bank. it's like it's a heist but it's in a mall right yeah so like paul blarts the mall cop and then this elite gang it's basically like die hard except it's in a mall and instead of bruce willis it's Kevin james on a segue yeah and he's diabetic he's a yeah hypoglycemic so like he needs to have sugar or he keeps passing out yeah which i'm not sure that's really how it works but anyway whatever um but yeah it's it's not good but you know it's kind of another things like I was stoned and I just watched it

and it filled the void for a while. Did it though? Not really. It's like fast food, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's kind of, I just had me thinking, maybe if I get a segue and work as a security guy, maybe I could get some pussy too.

Get some mustard. Yeah, yeah. I just spit it on myself. Yeah, because that's the thing he's like, he's in love with this, like, girl that works in like a little boutique place. Is the girl anyone famous? Um, you kind of know where to see.

She kind of is like one of those, like, quirky looking, but she's definitely very attractive. I'll look it up right now. Yeah, look her up. Paul Blart Mall cop and she'll come up. Pussy. Yeah, Paul Blart Pussy. But no, it wasn't good. But, you know, it's kind of one of those

when you're just like feeling like, you know, shit and you just want some mindly candy floss for your brain, you know? Something just silly and dumb to pat, you know, just to fill the silence. Yeah. Do you think you should do that when gigs are back, get a segue

just be Paul Blart that'll be my character yeah I'd probably be on the on Fallon within a week yeah yeah oh you get so much fun with that you fall off the Segway

get back on the Segway fall off again I could act like I'm like legitimately mentally deranged I'm Paul Blart this next guest is a wonderfully brave young man yeah and I just like

fully leave you get on the show in the attack Taylor Swift I just slit her throat yeah they're like he just know any better he's so charming I'm sure the Irish you know we're always slitting Taylor Swift's throat

Ah sure it's in the You know what they say If a fat Irish guy Slits Taylor Swift's throat On Fallin He never dies That's the old adage isn't it Yeah

Yeah Oh we've had fun tonight That was a good one We've had fun We've done four episodes Yeah Three of them are really good Yeah

One of them needs a little bit of work Not too much A little bit of work but I think we did good there I think there's some good stuff What's our schedule now over Christmas Well I mean I'm off work

But it's like Well see yeah I was gonna like go We were gonna go to Dundalk tomorrow And then I was gonna go back to Monag But now it's like We don't have to go to Dundalk Because we've been

Fired from the show Yeah we've been cancelled We've been cancelled Yeah which is great So yeah I guess we record a bit more Before Christmas Because like

Like I'm free I have nothing to do And my girlfriend's sick of me Okay Yeah Yeah So I'm all yours All right

Well I'm good to record We should probably Have this conversation off air No it's free This is a free episode We're just planning I get what they fucking deserve Yeah yeah

Yeah yeah You're dogs God I really went off on Mentally challenged people You did there You did It kind of came out nowhere Yeah

I think it works It's all about context You know what I think intent. It's all about intent. People would be offended, but then when they see the way you live, they're like, oh.

I just take pictures of the black mold on my ceiling and the fact that the headaches are getting worse. The black mold is a nice little storyline we have in the podcast. It keeps getting bigger and bigger. Bigger and bigger, yeah. I don't know how you can live like that.

Would you not just do it yourself? I probably could, yeah. Just get a little scraper and have your mouth open. I just feed it. Put it on. in your mouth. Get as much as in your eyes.

Lick it off. Nose, ears and cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I definitely should. Why is there black mold there? Where does it come from? I don't know.

I don't know. It's, it's, uh, I don't know, manifestation of my mental health. What have you licked then? You got high. I don't think that's how it works. I'm going to give it a go. For the podcast.

For the Patreon. And I just die. Yeah. All right. We should end it now, I think. Yeah. Well, let's do a little Christmas. If you don't mean,

up again. Let's see a little Christmas thing for listeners. Okay, are you getting in under my covers? I'm stretching. You're really trying to worm your way in here, aren't you? Yeah, I'll get out, I'll get out. Like a little tick burrowing. No, it's fine, please get comfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like,

James, you keep talking here. As I get into the bed and put on my little sleeping hat. And then it's like, all right, James, you can go now. Wait, what? Yeah. You have to go home now. You have to live my life. You have to go back to Dundon. It's like the double

I've taken over your life I'm new James You're welcome to it Pal You can have it It's all yours I'm like Please give it back

It's awful So let's say A Christmas message listeners Okay Why are you grateful for this year I don't know I mean It's been a heck of a year

It's been a wild one Jesus has been mad Yeah Jesus this little year's mad Yeah yeah Sure it's mad isn't it Oh Jesus In the new normal

Brian Yeah I don't know It's been a shit year I'm not thankful for any of it I wish I had the guts to kill myself But I'm too much of a coward So I'll see you all in 2021

You're cunts There you go Merry fucking Christmas Dare That's how you end the podcast That's how you There you go When you do like speeches

To kids and schools I'm like It's like the Queen's speech Yeah, the real one Do you ever hear of the alternative queen's speech? That's Channel 4 broadcast it, don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always someone different.

But what is it, is it like kind of, was it initially, you know, meant to be like an anti-establishment kind of thing? Not an anti-ting, it's like an alternative voice. So they'll get like, you know, like a Muslim guy. That's not Christmas. That's not even Ramadan, pal. Yeah. Or they'll get like, you know,

Like, oh, I can't think of it. They get, like, fucking... Stephen Fry. Yeah, Stephen Frye. The same as a Muslim, if you ask me. Worse. Worst. At least the Muslim, say, on the straight and narrow, you know what I mean?

That funny business. Yeah. Fry, what are you frying? Mm. What you frying in your frying pan? Stay away from Lorry. Leave house alone. Yeah.

He doesn't need you anymore. I want your house go to America. Get away from you. Freud with his wandering hands He uses big words to distract you Yeah He uses big words like Shakespeare

Like what's that mean He's shaking my spear Oh I'm coming Oh yeah Let's end it We had some fun We had some fun guys Thank you

We might be back before the end of New Year Maybe Before the end of 2020 Maybe if not we'll see you Yeah We'll see you on the other side Bye. Goodbye.