Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 98 : Wonder C*NT

Episode Date: January 7, 2021

Brian and James get Alternative and talk about Wonder Woman.

I actually have no, like I harbour no sectarian views whatsoever. Even though I grew up around people who were full-blown, like, active members of the rap, as many people did. But I just, I have no, I don't give a shit about any of that stuff. Never have, never will. Well, I think what you'd like is the alternative Christmas message. Oh, yeah. Because me and you, we're both alternative. Yeah, we're both alternative, you know.

Much as we try not to be, much as we would like to be in the mainstream, we've been told, oh, you're a very alternative. out of, aren't you? No, I'm trying to be mainstream. Yeah, Brian's forcing himself to watch the Premier League just so he can connect with his fellow man. So I can walk around and be like, Lampard, while you're wearing your Lakers hoodie.

It's a nice hoodie though. Yeah, thanks. Yeah. Don't get no respect for it though. Not even from like the Hipcats. No, a lot of people are like, oh, you like the Lakers? Oh, really? Yeah.

Who do they like? Oh, some other con shit. Yeah. Celtics. Uh, Rangers. The race. Oh, oh, I see what you did there. Very clever.

Confused, yeah. Oh, different sport. Bamboozled. Oh, can. Look at you. You're all confused. Cannon's been rumbled. Doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

That's a Scottish football team. You start crying. Yes. You pissed yourself. I don't have told this before, but like, we used to around as in secondary school, go to like field trips to Celtic games right and so the teachers along with the students would bring their mates and their mates were like all in their 30s drinking cans on the bus while we children sat down the back as the adults got rowdyer and then they parked outside ibrox which is

the rangers home stadium yeah and the teachers are like ladies and we'd like to bring your attention to the rangers home stadium ibrox and everybody started going boo so that was like school-sanctioned sectarian hatred right there. The teachers are like, come on, lads, that's all boo the proddy dogs for a laugh. Get out of their system, you know. I grew up in a golden age, man.

That's what they say, 90-minute bigots. 90-minute bigots? Yeah. Oh, I like that. You're 24 hours. 31-year bigot. Yeah, but that's what they say. It's like 90-minute bigot.

You get in there and you go, boo, it's the other team, you get all the hatred out. It's cathartic. Yeah, and then you walk out like, Jesus, like. And you go home to your Protestant wife. and you'd have to do her missionary and look her in the face

and it turns your stomach Wait, why were you going to Celtics games? Like Celtic? Oh, Celtic. Celtic, the football team? I know, I said, I did a plural by accent because I'm so you saying Celtics for the basketball. Why are you going to Celtic games?

Who me specifically? Well, like you guys. Well, no, because it was like a school trip thing because like obviously, you know, it was like an old boy's school and like football was a really big deal. I didn't give a shit about football I was just like going over

because like you know you went over and you were on the ferry and you get up to mischief and it was... You might see a Scottish bird Yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah My fall in love It was a bit of crack

You know it was actually good laugh Because like there'd be a few of us And we'd be down the back Talking shite And I remember I made a dead baby joke About my brothers Or no my friends Newly born little brother

And he didn't like He didn't react well You're starting early Yeah yeah yeah I remember feeling really, really bad about it. He's like, oh, I shouldn't have made that joke because it pissed them off. But now in retrospect, I'm like, nah, fuck it, it was hilarious.

Wait, did his brother die or you just saying? No, his brother didn't die, his brother. Oh, they didn't shut up then. Yeah, I think there was maybe complications, but you were born in a mon in hospital. Complications are part and parcel. As long as it doesn't come out with a fucking tail, you're doing all right, pal. Joe, relax. I imagine the mom in the hospital, there's those of cows walking around.

Yeah. Dr. Frisian Heffer Would be rather the Frisian Heffer Than the Pakistani doctors That was the choice in Monaghan I know which one I trust I wouldn't drink his milk I don't know about you

But I'm going with the other one We have our fun Yeah we're having a laugh now Anyway So we're talking about Christmas earlier and the Queen's speech and you're saying you hate the Queen's speech I have no

do you want me to go along with this for the sake of it okay pretend you do pretend you're so angry I hate the Queen's speech Yeah you're getting all red now I can't hate the royal family They are a pack of Pido love and scum See that's it

Drink the blood of children She's an albino lizard That eats Pakistani doctors That's why we had to have cows in Monon Hustle Because the Queen ate all of our Pakistani doctors See, that's what I wanted. That's a fact right there.

See, that's what I wanted. That's way better than you're going like, I don't really mind. Which is the truth. I really don't care. But I'll play along. I'll be the heels. I play the role of like, I love her.

Yeah, yeah. She was talking about mental health. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, like how we have, don't eat too much chocolate.

It'll make you feel shitty. Don't eat too many Pakistanis. It'll give you IBS and you'll feel bloated and depressed. Okay. So, what's better than the Queen's speech? The alternative Christmas message. No, too radical. Yeah, yeah.

This is real radical. No way. This is like the Dead Kennedys. Yeah. It's like... Paul. Platt. Name another punk band.

Black flag. Yeah. The descendants. Yeah. Minor threat. The sex pistols. The Clash, the Ramones. I'm with it, baby.

Knocking bow. They decemberists, you know. The bloody melon scratching bastardsons. That were my band. We were the melon scratchy bastards. We performed, dressed as fucking melons, and the birds loved it.

Oh, they loved it. Oh, you got their melons. Yeah, there you go. Come on, keep up O'Toole. You're with it now. Get on my level. All right. Okay, we're being silly here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to segue into, So Channel 4, since 1993, have had the alternative Christmas message. That was like, hey, you know, fucking anti, you know, BBC, you know, old man BBC. Yeah, yeah. He's got his message with the Queen on it. We got our cool Channel 4 edgy message. Yes, yes.

Okay. So just tell you how edgy there was. Their first person to do it, crispin crisp. Crispin crisp. An anthropomorphic packet of crisps. Yeah. They were a packet of poke scratchings

saying daft speak. Yeah, listen this. Crispin' crisp, okay? Yeah. Former rent boy. Yes. Former rent boy of Prince Andrew. So isn't that already better than the Queen?

Yes, immediately. More integrity anyway. Ooh, political satire. He's put the work in. Yeah, yeah. The hard graft. Former rent boy slash actor

slash public speaker. Right. Okay. Best known for his one-man show called Are you there? God, it's me. Red Boys asshole. No, the naked civil

servant. The naked, that's a good title. Yeah, I like that. And it got turned into a movie starring John Hurt. Oh. And that movie was so popular, they made a sequel. Really? Yeah. He was a public speaking darling. Okay. People loved to happen because he was outrageous. And was he like very camp? He was big,

gay fucking gay that's how like what year was that the first one like the 80s uh 93 yeah yeah so 93 that's what was considered radical guys what about this a gay man but like oh my god he was like he was a little bit of like um

what do you call those guys a little bit of a troll a little bit of like um outrageous don't say anything like he was known for constantly talking shit about Diana I like that He said she was trash And after she died He said she got what was coming to her

She could have been queen But instead she was swanning around with Arabs Disgraceful Wow, okay But apart from all he also said that AIDS was a fad Really? Yeah Okay But you know so we've all said problematic things in the past

No Not me But he also talked about getting fucked a lot And people are like that's crazy we love him Yeah In fact You know who loved him?

Who? Bill Murray Oh interesting Bill Murray loved him and when he was in the 2016 Ghostbusters movie Yeah

He modeled his style On Crisp and Chris Yeah I haven't seen the 2016 one I have no desire to Yeah It's disgraceful wasn't it

Yeah Kristen Whigs Swann around with Arabs She could have been queen Yeah Okay so that was the first one Crisp and crisp Okay

Next year Jesse Jackson Okay Yeah Civil rights activist Sure yeah We all know Jesse Jackson Yes I'm familiar

Next year Bridget Bardot Bridget Bardot Yeah She's like an actress Okay Big sexy tits Oh okay

Hey She's been fined Five times For inciting Racial hatred Oh Her big sexy tits Your tits are racist

your tits are so big they're racist no apparently she's a French actress and she's really big in the criticising Muslims and in France they got very strict hate laws sure yeah which we're probably going to get soon enough as soon as they listen to our podcast yeah Rocky Road baby yeah so

some of the things she says about Muslims are like that's pretty tame and some is like hmm that's not tame let's not pull this thread too much yeah yeah well none of it let's just we'll say this it's a mixed bag yeah yeah yeah none of it's good but some of it's not as bad as the other really bad stuff okay i think she likes marie lepen i like your uh that's a very optimistic way to look at it i mean none of it's good but some of it

isn't as bad as the really bad stuff so that's bridget bardo yeah big tits yes next year rory bremner who's that uh he's an impressionist okay i think he's indebt Red ringers. Oh, right. He dressed up like the queen. Are you just going to go through every year? Yeah. Okay.

We'll get good stuff out of it. All right, right, right. And if we don't, it's your fault. Okay. Okay. Next year, Margaret Gibney. I don't know who any of these people are. I'll explain them to you.

All right. Okay. She was a Belfast school girl, and she was all about peace. Oh. Why not not have pace of chance, right? I can't he be doing it no more. you see that one before me with our big tats If those won't make you settle down

I don't even know what well So the year after that Did the parents of Stephen Lawrence Oh yeah, yeah he's like a kid Stephen Lawrence, a horrific case of a black kid Got beaten up by like six lads Scumbags Scumbag lads and then took years for him to get rested

And they were so obviously guilty It was insane Okay Like they had a secret recording of them talking about how much they love to kill I'm not going to say it but I think you can fill in the blanks I'm not going to get sued in France

No matter how big my tits are I still can't say it And also they interviewed them on Channel 4 after they got quitted the first time About where they wore it at night And each one the stories was different Oh okay So it was just very obvious

Very obvious They were guilty But like When was that 90s? 90s yeah And one of them was like Yeah sure we mess around And play push down ginger

But we never do anything Pushed down He was actually dyslexic though He thought It wasn't ginger No no The French are after us Soch leblis

Le Brian and James But you thankfully They did get arrested after Good Good Like over 10 years And there's a great Paul Greengrass movie about it

Oh okay What's it called The Murder of Stephen Lawrence A bit on the nose But okay But it's a very good film Very well done And they show the police

as like dummies Okay Yeah Bloody silly bobby's Yeah Silly Bobby's playing silly beggars That's what that was So listen this okay

Yeah One year we have the parents Of a A kid who has been brutally murdered Okay In a horrific racial attack Okay

Next year Ali G Buyakasha I'll be got my main man Steven Lawrence Yeah no That's uh That's you know Again a mixed bag

very uh they're bouncing around yeah they don't like yeah don't get they like to switch it up of it don't make it too depressing sure after after ali g they get helen jeffreys who is a survivor of a brain disease okay not really ali g is it not even bruno is it oh yeah that's just pure borat too that's what that is then uh they get um jennifer guzma who was a nine eleven survivor Oh, fun. Then they get Sharon Osborne. Oh, God. Back to the 9-11 Survivor.

At least she's got a sense of comedic timing. You know, she hadn't. She had a miscarriage because she got attacked by a dog. Who? Sharon Osborne. Really? Yeah. That's how it happened to Kelly Osborne?

Oh, burn. Sick burn, Cadden coming in with the sick cultural references there, boy. So after Sharon Osborne, they had a couple from Wife Swap. Wow. Scraping the bottom. Someone must have dropped out Yeah We're meant to get

Lean out of Caprio And someone fucked up We were going to get A live video link From Osama bin Laden But yeah He was double booked So it's funny

He looked up this couple Because I was like Why did they pick this couple Apparently there were like Kind of minor celebrities At the turn of the millennium Okay Because they hate each other so much

Oh that's fun Yeah Kind of like Who is it Mary And what's his name And Father Ted A little bit like that Yeah

beating each other. I looked up clips on YouTube to them just screaming like you miserable cunt fuck you you dickhead yeah

yeah like that and people were like that's Britain that is that's Britain right there that's a bloody Yorkshire pudding

if I ever see next year this is so they got voice swap and like we're saving up to get a big guest okay

this is the biggest guest they've ever had okay you will not believe it they got Marge Simpson wow

yeah the real Marge Simps, you thought she was fictional. So what year, that's got to be what, like 2004 or five or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're well past their prime. We can actually do it now. So this is the one, two, three, this is the fourth

one after 9-11. Yeah, 2005. See? Detectives? Yeah, look at me. Elementary. So, yeah, Marge Simpson did it and it was pretty funny. Lisa held up a free Cornwall sign. Free cornwall sign.

Yeah. What's that in reference to? Nothing. Okay. But it's like, you know, makes it think. Oh, right, right. Because, you know, Scotland independence. Oh.

Irish independence? Yeah. Cornwall. No. No. Sorry. Okay. Next year, Jamie Oliver.

Oh, fuck. There's too many fat children and it makes me sad. Would you not have a piece of broccoli, please? Have your bottle sprouts this Christmas? It's not fucking play by here. They got Jamie Oliver next year A Muslim woman Okay

Yeah Yeah It was meant to be a different Muslim woman And she dropped out last minute Right Oh no actually no I got it wrong The first one they got was a British Muslim woman Right

Unreliable Yeah You get a proper one Okay Yeah So they got like a full on Like This was like one

The first one was They had converted like two years ago Yes She dropped out So they got one that was like you know from the Woo Muslim

Oh I see An OG Yeah OG Muslim Like a cool one And she gave like A kind of like You know

Nice little speech I looked up A nice little speech About like you know Doesn't matter Who you are What you wear Yeah

Look I didn't do it All right I wasn't on the plane I didn't know Those guys Did you leave me alone Yeah Yeah

Yeah It was pretty Come on Let's be honest It was Jamie Oliver Where was he He did it

So after that they got Major Andrew Stockton who was a soldier who got his arm blown off in Iraq assumed so yeah

after that they got the president of Iran oh he said that if Christ was alive he would support Iran right

and they got 300 complaints including Peter Tatchel oh we talked about him yeah yeah the fucking nonce lover yeah he's in yeah

you could more delicately pedo lover yeah okay yeah yeah yeah pedo synthesizer okay

pedo synthesizer yeah yeah he makes electronic music with the voices of famous pedophiles pedosynthes

now then now then again you tell what it is it so after that they got Katie Piper that she's a model

with the acid thrown in her face yeah the guy threw ass in her face now have you heard the story that that was all a fake?

No? Yeah. She's just a dog. No, sorry, what's the... That's mean. That's too much. That's an actual person. That's over the line.

Well, she's all better now. She got fixed. Wait, so what do you mean? What's the... It was just a law to... So they can put stricter laws to stop people throwing ass in women's face. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, they really should have had that law already. So what they're saying it was a false flag? Well, here's a bit of evidence for you, okay? It was a false flag. She's an actress. Her parents are actors. okay and here's the thing

if you watch the video of her talking about it she's wearing a t-shirt and the t-shirt is kind of creased in a way it looks like 7-7 oh my god 7-7 bombings the London bombings now where was she during

7-7? Interesting thing about 7-7 they were running a simulation how would police react to like bombings being planted and exploded on the tube and on buses so they were basically doing

a try run of what would happen while it was happening same thing as that happened on 9-11 Norad were doing the same thing so yeah Katie Piper did 9-11 and the 7-7 bombing people get with it and the troubles

and the troubles everything everything yeah yeah and only Ali G can stop her boi-ha-alli-G too I'm gonna throw acid in this bitch face Ski-me-skiddy-bop-p-p-p-p. So after Katie Piper, they had midwives. Wait, hang on, though, what is the...

Like, what's the official narrative? So some... Was it just a random asset attack, or was it... I didn't. The story's actually way worse. That's why I don't want to make fun of her too much. Okay. It was a crazed fan... Okay.

Who, like, started dating her. And apparently, a few days before, he had attacked and raped her. Oh, my God. And stabbed her. What the fuck? Yeah. So she got away from that. Jesus.

And she was like, Jesus. And she was like, he was like, he was. and then he came up during the street. Oh my God, man. So then who is putting forward the thing that it was fake? A man on YouTube. Oh, okay. Well, I have never had reason to doubt a man on YouTube before.

He's never steered me wrong. Always keeps me on the next street now. I'd recommend that it is a 50-minute video. Most of it is gibberish. Okay, so, sorry, who was after Katie Piper? Midwives. Just midwives. They kind of blew the budget on Katie.

Yeah. So just random midwives We're like We help too Do you? Show me the evidence Where were you on 7-7? Year after that

Adam Hill Comedian Yeah One leg Yeah one leg How do you lose his leg Born like that Doesn't count

Fanny accident She sneezed at the wrong time Ha Ha ha ha ha Oh yes But you know I have respect for Adam Hill I never really taught about him much Yeah

Apparently he was a comedian For like 10 years before he mentioned the leg Oh really? Yeah Okay A bit of respect there I give that Yeah yeah yeah

Because you know Most of them would just Get up on stage Okay Without a leg Just crawl on stage Just cry Yeah

And if you don't applaud You're a monster Yeah Just cry and piss themselves People like how brave Here's the thing About that show The last leg

right so they have him with the one leg then they have the other guy with the arm why's Joshua come there we all know why we all just have a problem with somebody says you want to eat that croissant

brilliant alive with the Apollo funny if like Adam Hill and your are like we don't want to hang around with him like we might catch something off him look at fucking he's a real quantum leap tart

yeah yeah Fuck. But yeah, he, for years. Didn't mention it. Didn't mention it at all. So he got out, did he have like a career in Australia? He was huge in Australia.

Okay. Yeah. Then he became king of the UK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next up, America. Is he in America now? No. He's kind of, I think he's settled.

He's probably, he's one of those losers as a wife and kids now. Oh. And he wants to look after them instead of hosting SNL. Yeah. He wants to just play Pogo stick with his kids. Daddy, you're so bad at a hopscotch I don't like you anymore Years of practice, man

Shattie, you little slag He plays rugby as well Really? Yeah, I can't even do that with two legs Right, I like this bit Because it's like we're defending disabled people But we've been winking the whole Have you been paying attention, Brian?

I don't think that's what people will say No, they're literally like... I've got to enjoy when they're playing this in course I'm like, this is us defending them. No, like, we're having a good natured riff with him. Okay. You know, because I was like, I'm bad at rugby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you know, I saw him once. In Edinburgh? Yeah. Okay. We, I managed to get into like a kind of fancy party. Yeah. And by, I basically, it's like, there was other people going and I was like, I'm coming as well. They're like, oh, okay.

Okay. Yeah. So, um, it was. We'll bring Brian. We'll be able to park closer to the venue this way. but yes we're a leash and you had the leash with you it's my first rodeo

it was exactly like extras actually okay so it was also a party and there was like a separate couch right kind of sectioned off and that's where Darrow Breen Jimmy Carr John Bishop and one leg

Adam Hill Adam Hill are all sitting around and you know they were using his fake leg for the velvet rope it's like here Adam you couldn't do us a favour We left the pole at home

So what I did I went to the bathroom like five times Because you had to walk past them Oh okay And I could listen to their conversation Right right right Didn't hear anything juicy

No I wanted to hear like walk past And someone like You raped her And the body's still there Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah I can't really do his laugh

But you know who I'm doing Yeah Yeah Yeah Well I don't I didn't pick up anything Juicy Just a little like

Did they seem like They were having fun They seemed like just like you know what had the vibe of them like their work conference because to be honest it kind of is it's like a public you know that's it must be weird to

like you know you go out and like that's you socialising but really it's it's just like another extension of doing the gig because you're out and people are watching here's big gossip they were nursing their points oh what you mean like just little sips other people were like going

like we'll get some shots yeah it's the fringe yeah let's go wild So I didn't get to talk to them I did get to talk to a woman who apparently is in some way connected to some agency And she had a dog with her What?

Yeah She brought a dog to the party Into the nightclub It was more like a garden party kind of thing Oh okay Yeah interesting She brought the dog to it and I just I rubbed the dog for a bit

Yeah Because I was kind of nervous around the people I kind of talked This might be my inn with her Oh yeah Okay Another person who was there Was a girl from

That Caitlin Moran show Um She's like a feminist And she had a show called like wolves Or something like that Okay Like a Channel 4 show Not familiar

As you can tell All the stars were Yeah all the big ones The big weeks The woman's dog The woman from the show Chappelle was there But they didn't let him in

yeah it wasn't a very eventful thing actually speaking of John Bishop John Bishop he's on Doctor Who now really he's gonna be the new companion interesting you ever notice like when he's on like Graham Norton so he's there and it's like somebody like

I don't know Kate Beckinsale or just some like real American actress and he's a can you know when you fucking hang out with your kids and they think you to fucking knob um pardon me

yeah they think you're a bit of a knob do you what mean I don't uh well I'm calling the police Is there Could you possibly get a bigger couch Oh you definitely definitely deaf Because what they'll have a lot

It's like a big celebrity And big American celebrity And then like a regional UK comment Yeah A lot of times they're looking at them like I don't know what you're talking about Yeah yeah it's great Like when Richard Iowadi's on

He's doing some kind of weird out there Cerebral bit And the American actor is just like way. What the fuck? Don't let him near Mark Wahlberg. Anyway, so what was it? Adam Hill. Next year, Edward Snowden.

He was at the party as well. He was on an iPad attached to the dog leash. I'm one of those little robots going around. He'd try to talk to him. He's like, oh fuck no. Go back to the dog. Yeah, so he

kind of talking about the NSA. Yeah, so basically, like, this Christmas, remember that privacy is important. Yeah, well, obviously it's not, because he's got two legs. We've all forfeited our privacy. We don't care.

We don't care. There's a shit, yeah. Next year, they got William Pooey. Okay. A nurse who got Ebola. Oh, Jesus. Next year, they got

the dead kid who drowned the Syrian kid, the refugee. Oh, yeah, yeah. They got his dad. Oh, fun Next year We're just gonna move Quickly past it

Next year They got the husband of Joe Cox Joe Cox She was the woman who got murdered Oh, she was a politician Yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah And she I think she was stabbed by someone

Who was like Britain first That's right Yeah yeah Britain first That's what he shouted that When he stabbed her didn't Yeah Nice So you know

Again a bit of a downer Yeah I've had a pretty good year Time to stick up Oh, this is so much. After that, they had survivors of Grenfell. Oh, the tower's burning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember those towers that they were made extra combustible? That's right. For the crack. It actually cost them more to make it more combustible. Could we make the windows out of petrol? I'm just saying try. Is that so hard? Instead of cement, use fireworks.

Instead of furniture, they can sit on bales of straw. After that they got Danny Dyer Oh nice one Fucking Danny Dyer In he Listen all these slags Fucking Joe Cox She was a Mavvy one

Got what was coming to her Yeah Get it Fucking acid in the face Who deserved it love Giving it the fucking Biggin fucking city Yeah where the fuck's up

Yeah I don't know It kind of slipped there Year after that they got John Berko Remember him like order Order order Oh he was speaker of the house Yeah yeah

Yeah, yeah. Pretty cool. Wow. Really appealing to the youth demographic. All the little tweens are like, yeah. Oh boy. They're even sexier than Jonas Brothers. Next year, this year.

This year. Deep fake queen. Okay. What do you think about that? We got lots of complaints over that. Did it? Yeah. In unsensit, bad.

Did it, did the deep fake make Prince Andrew jokes? Few, yeah. It wasn't like, Andrew fucking, he fucked a child. I loved it. With his cock, and he's still my favourite child. No, it was something like, I think it was a very gentle thing, like, Andrew spent a lot of time Pizza Express, something like, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't watch it.

I've never watched any of them, but. What's wrong with you? I'm too, I'm too much of a pussy. Too much of a... Off watching your Celtic games, toxic masculinity. yeah so was the deep fake realistic though did it look good yeah it's kind of weird the whole deep fake thing like you know as the technology gets more sophisticated you know they're gonna put my face on a on a cock on a big willy that's what they'll do and i'll try and say no that's not me it's a big willy

but they won't believe me they won't believe me yeah that's their main focus Yeah, that's why all this technology's being developed Putting my face on a big cock Yeah, we're gonna fuck with James Cadden Yeah In Russia, like, we must do this To destroy democracy Anyway, that's all the alternative Christmas messages

Wow Given the listeners what they want Yeah Yeah That's your Christmas special Little late You did a good bit of research there I did, didn't I?

Yeah, you did I watched the whole fucking Crispin' crisp thing Did you? Yeah Where is he now? Dead. Good.

Merry Christmas. That's how you end the show. Happy new qu... No. Did stop myself? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well done, me. A new James.

That's right. A drunker, more woke James. I have to be this drunk to get woke. It's the only way I can stomach it. That's like we never get like a pride parade. You have to basically be blacked out. I'm on 13 volume and a bottle of Captain Morgan's.

I did that one time I drank a bottle of Captain Morgan and took a few Xanax and completely blacked out but like was active for like 12 hours going around getting into all sorts of mischief. Apparently I did all sorts and...

You built a church. Yeah. In Haiti. And then embezzled the funds. That's what you get. Yeah. yeah yeah yeah pretty crazy year

what else uh not much we're gonna talk about Wonder Woman we'll talk about Wonder Woman a minute we'll get to it you got something else cook in there I'm just the drunken lout

yeah that you wheel out for a fuck a poke with a stick can I know those stuff out which is like guys fighting bears yeah yeah you're like grizzly man yeah yeah but no no in wrestling

did get a bear out but did take off his claws and teeth yes Yeah, and then dope it all up And they're like, hey, look, I'm fighting the bear He loves it That's what I'm doing with you Well, I've still got my teeth, baby

Yeah, you might get bit Yeah, don't come too close Cabin's got claws Okay, let's talk about Wonder Woman then Do it Okay, so Wonder Woman One and two You watch them both

Yep No one could ever Discredit your, you know Your sheer, what's the word I'm looking for? dedication and commitment and retardation but your commitment to this podcast the research that you put in

is on parallel so I would like to take this moment I put the work in thank you Brian yeah I put the my girlfriend left me this week she did that's why it's funny

you don't even get it she's like leaving the country it's a real goof she flew away at least she says she did I'll leave on a jet plane And I was like, that's sad, no, but I got to get home. Watch Wonder Woman.

A big yellow taxi, put up a parking lot. My illegal immigrant girlfriend left the country. Yeah. After I made a series of phone calls. Well, it's funny because we'll go into it actually now. Yeah, why not? Come on, Brian. Use this.

Work through your pain. Like the greats. I use more pain as my art. You're Richard Pryor right now. Let's do it. What's that? Brian O2 will running down the street. street.

I might do that next. I might get some crack. Just a free basic. You bring back free basing. Nobody's done it since 1987. You bring it back. It's back, baby. So the girlfriend was illegal.

Yeah. She's been living here since she was like in primary school. Okay. That's a new matter, yeah? Yeah. Oh, jokes. Illegal in both sense of the word. Yeah, so they brought her over it when she was real young, her and the mother.

Yeah. And she's illegal, and the mother, like, got with a guy, an Irish guy. Yeah. So now she has stepsisters who are Irish. Right. And, you know, things have kind of been going rough. The step sister is literally insane. Yeah, schizophrenic.

She spent time in the ward. Right. She met a guy who taught he was Jesus. Okay. And she... See, we kind of flirt with the... Oh, mental illness, but she's like, she's hardcore, straight in, no kissing, the real deal.

Yeah, real deal. Yeah, yeah. So recently what happened is the mental step sister put her own laptop in the bat. Okay. And then accused my girlfriend of putting in there. Right. And it was like, you have to give me a hundred euro from now on. Oh, like an allowance?

Yeah. Right. But not even like, she's already getting money from the government. And this money, it's not like when you pay for my laptop, we're done. It's like, you got to pay me now. in perpetuity. Or else I call it cops and get you deported.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. And it became a big family thing and they were like, please don't deport your step sister. Yeah, come on. That's not cool. Yeah.

And she was like, no, my laptop. Oh, my anxiety. Okay. Yeah. Sounds like she really makes life difficult for your girlfriend. Yeah. And then also the girlfriend

was getting threatened quite a lot in work. Oh, by. People she worked with. Yeah, we've kind of talked about it before, but she, She works with some very... Very scummy people.

Very, very dodgy people. There was like... Even around Christmas, this guy was... He called her like five times in a row. Yes. And then said, suck my dick. And then said, I'll punch you in the face. Fucking.

Now, is that... Is that... James? Yes. Is that problematic? Well, you kind of have to come out of it from all sides, Brian, I think. No, that's like... Because you wrote a book about getting pussy.

Yeah. Would that be... That would be chapter one. That would be in the prolog. it's like uh james caddens 12 rules for life threatened that bitch yeah no that's fucked up so like you know because she's illegal

a lot of people are treating her shit yeah yeah yeah she can't really do much it's all cash in hands yeah and it's like she can't go and make it complaint because then it's like she's bringing like attention of certain authorities on her that you don't want like so she's going back to Brazil so very sad

how long we're together uh since the first lockdown. Okay. And we've been talking to each other a little bit before that. So about a year

then? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is he a bit broken up over? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

I did something, actually, I kind of held up together well. The only time I kind went a bit weird was, um, I went to the Tesco

after like, I dropped off the airport. Right. And that was brutal, okay? Yeah, so I dropped off the airport. Now, so out of it,

I tried to pay, you know, self-service. Yes. I tried to use a fiber as a credit card. Oh, Jesus. Yeah.

Just so like... Yeah, I was just swiping it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was only buying like six things, okay? Right. And I was swiping the fridge, like, what's going on? And I was like, oh, fuck, it's a card. And I looked over, there was a guy...

The guy who worked there was laughing at me. Oh, wow. And I was like, I went a bit spazzy. I put my hands on my head and walked out without paying. Oh, wow. Or I didn't take the items, okay? Yeah. I just walked out because I need to get out here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was going down the lift then, and I was like, trying to camp. myself down. Right. And there's a guy in the pharmacy across from Tesco. Right. And he wasn't even looking at me. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, what's that cunt fucking doing? And then my legs

got all shaky. Wow. Yeah. And I was like, I'm spazzing out here. So it's kind of like anxiety or like. I think because I like, because she was all kind of messed up about it. Yeah. Because you know, she's leaving her family and stuff. So you were trying to kind of hold it together. Be strong for her. We had like our last

couple of days together. Yeah. And that was you know, brutal. Yeah. Yeah. And then so I had to be like Oh come on Yeah like come on Hey Yeah look

Let's make the best of it Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Drink some more That'll cheer you up I'm not very good Yeah At cheering people

Sure yeah Let's watch Wonder Woman Yeah Let's watch Let's watch eternal sunshine Of a spotless mind And if I start crying I get to hit you

Yeah So like I had to do So it was kind of like It hit me then After I dropped her off Yeah. But yeah, it's not good.

It's rough. It's a rough one, man. But hey, now we can both be single together during lockdown. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty fun, isn't you? We can be two wild and crazy dudes. Frat bros. We can freebase together.

Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. Very, very sad. It is sad. It's rough when relationships end. It's the Chinese's fault. It is. Yeah, well, I've, that's, I blame them for any of my relationships.

It's the Chinese. It's women with mental illness. It's, you know, Chinese broads that are mental, forget about it. They're the worst. That girl with the ass on her face, her as well. Yeah, so. Well, you know, I'll never be happy. No.

But look, you know. You know what's really depressing? Yeah. This is so sad. Not sad, it's like, like what a wimp brain is. Right, right, right. So I was like, oh, I feel sad now, but don't cry because that's soldiers wouldn't cry. Right, right.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. healthy people in the world. Yeah, they haven't. They're perfect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. And then I looked up like, um, dealing with breakups. Yeah. On YouTube. First thing comes up, Peterson. Oh, really? Yeah.

That's no help. Oh, well, you know, just don't be a pussy. Uh, yeah. Congress relationship I was ever in was like, I mean, this is a long time ago, but it was five years. So I was like, then you learned your lesson. I did. Yeah.

It's like, well, yeah, you'll never get that again. To be so. young and in love you're very foolish you know foolhardy narcissistic hubris would come to mind but yeah when it ends it's a horrible painful thing

well if I was a real man I'd just get into war now that's sort of yeah you'd join the army yeah yeah just matter who Americans let me at you'd be like scrappy do yeah let me at him let me at him the Mujah Hadin wherever fuck her

just want to kill something that'll cheer me up Oh, yeah But Ah, well You know So like You're not gonna See her again

Like I know We're both kind of like You know We're not like Emotional people Sure So like yeah

We're gonna meet each other again But you know yourself Like it's We'll meet again Won't be the same Yeah Yeah I think we're one

Those relationships We're like We're gonna have like A long story Oh you think You think you'll come back Like I think

Yeah I think when we're 80 will be up again. You think that. Yeah, and then I'll piss myself. No, no, no. What happens is they go off, right?

They go off and have a happy life and you're left alone and miserable. She's going to date LeBron and I'll be extra jealous. It should have been me. I'm stuck with magic. No, magic. How many times I've got to tell you?

Come on, eh. Don't be like that. Okay. So let's talk with Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman. So we got the emotions out. People liked a little bit of emotion. That was a...

A little peek behind the current. That was real. I didn't really... I didn't really offer any support there. No, no. That's why I needed. Yeah, yeah. I don't need to be molly cuddled.

Yeah. Dude, you're being a fag, man. You gotta fucking crush some pussy, bro. You see a fucking chick. You gotta be like, hey, whore. Sit on this dick and shut the fuck up about it, all right? That's what you need in your life. You need friends like that.

No, I'm not that. I could drink another one I'll have another drink and maybe I'll tell you what I'll have another drink We'll go cruising We'll go cruising Coozing Yeah

Go cruising for coos That's what we used to do We need to get drunk Hop in the car Yeah and then just It'll be like that scene And boys don't cry You remember that

This is for ya own good Anyway Let's talk about Wonder Woman Let's do it Let's talk what something is It's emotionally painful Well it kind of is So Wonder Woman

woman, 2017. Yes. Directed by Patty Jenkins. Patty Jenkins, starring Gail Godot. Is it Gail? Gal. I think it's Gail, Gaudo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to make an apology

because in the previous episode of the podcast, I said that she murdered children. Yes. Because she was with the IDF. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really defense force. Yeah, they all know what I mean. Yeah, of course they do, but now. Yeah, yeah. They've got, you know.

In case there's any, like, guardian columnists who are listening to this years from now. But I looked it up. Apparently she was only a shooting instructor. Okay. So she didn't actually shoot any Palestinians herself. Yeah, but you could make the argument that she trained people.

So she is responsible for the degree of accuracy to which the IDF were able to murder Palestinian children. Stop being sexist. I just don't like women in power, Brian. You know that. Should be men doing that. Yeah. Should be me. I should be Wonder Woman.

I've got the. outfit. Why Israelis get all the fun. I want my piece of the pie. Yeah. So, and she's, she is terrible. I'll be honest. As an actor. Yeah. Now, a lot of people... She is incredibly attractive, though. Is she? Oh, come on. Yeah. Oh, huh. You don't think so? To reevaluate. Because I actually was thinking that we... Okay, hang on. I thought only gay guys thought she was attractive. Oh, no. Was that the test?

Yeah. straight away. I just start. I'll make you forget all about her, Brian. It's not the same, but we'll do. Bye, bye, how big you are. No, I don't think she's at hot. Okay, hang on, I don't have my phone. Did you look up a picture of her real quick?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you need to, okay. We need to investigate. Okay, again, I've never, like, watched any of the films. I've just kind of seen pictures. I just assumed she was hot because she's playing Wonder Woman. I mean, they...

That's sexism. Is it? No, I'm... She's in a fucking major Hollywood film. They don't let dogs in those. I used that car too much. That's sexism. Oh, great, Brian, yeah.

Oh, you really turned on his head, didn't you? I'm just like, I just think there are some questions around the official narrative of 9-11. Sexism? Are you a helicopter? That's, you're a toxic, you're a Peterson, Bernie, bro, aren't you? Imagine my shock. There she is. Hang on.

Yeah, man, she's good looking Ah, you're right actually Oh look, I just broke up My girlfriend, all right Okay, you want to be a little Bitch about it Yeah, I want to be all red pill now Don't need them in my life

With their boobs Yeah Well, she's not a great actress Now, you know what, I take it all back She's actually great All right No, look, you're allowed to have an opinion Just because she's a woman

Doesn't mean she's exempt from criticism No, no, no, I think the script Doesn't help I'm sure the films It's themselves are shite Yeah It doesn't I don't think she could play anything else

She kind of Because she's like She's Vin Diesel Okay Or like Arnold See Arnold though It's weird Because he kind of has a bit of diversity

And like he can play Big Man Yeah But like he can play Like a goofball as well Yeah You're right She's more Vin Diesel

Yeah Vin Diesel isn't Well he was pretty funny In boiler room Anyway we're getting off track let's come on like stop crying

with your girlfriend you little bitch fuck sake this is what I need yeah yeah so the first film it's Wonder Woman

alright and it starts off in the island of Temescaira a magical island full of warrior women created by Zeus

to protect the world from his son Ares the god of war who's up to his mischief okay and this takes place

during World War 1 right okay the biggest war ever So there's like It's like Greek gods and superheroes Yeah Yeah Yeah

Already very messy They're kind of Blurring Greek mythology What about Jesus With World War I history And superheroes What about Jesus What about him

Where is he? Yeah Don't like it No Okay so It's an island Dal Godot trained some people To shoot him

See that's good satire Yeah I go They wouldn't allow that and mocked a week It would be too powerful Well done Cadden Yeah. People are like, oh, James Acaster's so great, isn't he? Where it's like, ooh, Brexit's like tea.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's not. Oh, man, I don't like him. I don't get the big appeal. He should be on last leg as well. He will be if I get my way. Yeah. Okay, so, um, there.

Whose leg is it anyway? That won't be a mocked a week. That's, yeah. We're actually defending disabled people. Okay, so. Yeah. So, um, so. it's an island full of warrior women, okay?

Yes. And their whole thing is they train to defend when Ares comes back. Because Aries's going to come back, he's going to start some shit. Right, right, right. He's going to start wilding out. Yeah. And then, uh-oh, a soldier comes by, and it's Chris Pine. Chris Pine? Yeah, yeah.

Chris Pine, he's like, because he, they have a force field, so the island's invisible. Right. But he is a little jet. Okay. And he flies in. And he's like, Jesus Christ, what's going on? here. And then the Germans follow

him. Oh, and they get into the island of superwomen. Yeah, and they're like Dik, do... Nain! Yes, Islamian and Nain Latitis! Yeah. So the women, warrior women are like, ha, don't worry, we've got swords and bows

Germans have guns. So they shoot them up, okay? And Chris Pine has to save the day. So they're like, oh but these are like warrior women. Yeah, but bullets. Okay, so bullets can kill them then. So is that like a Superman situation. No, no, no, no.

Right, okay. Bullets can kill them, Mike. Okay. Yeah, and they just don't know. And logic. Yeah. Yeah, very good. Yeah, oh, we got you.

If you can take a look at the Wonder Woman, clearly bullets can penetrate their flash. So, um, he, he kind of saves the day, okay. They've never seen a gun before. Right, okay. So, yeah, they kill Robin Wright's on the island. She gets killed straight away. They have a waste of Robin Wright. Yeah, yeah.

She was married to Sean Penn, wasn't she? That's right. Yeah. Well done. See? I'm single And they broke up too It all ends Brian Sean Penn went back to Brazil

Yeah Well he got with Scarlett Johans So Jesus, great Yeah, yeah There you go I'm just sad now Anyway, so Okay

So they're like Oh thanks Chris Pine Oh there's a World War won Oh shit we're going to help you Right okay So Wonder Woman and Chris Pine team up together And they have a little banter together Because she's never seen a man before

So she's like... Oh really? She's like, uh, all men like that? No, honey. God, that's something. Chris Pine is like... That's a pretty bad, like you start off the best. That's a high bet. I mean, it really doesn't get much better than that.

He is pretty much up there with the tops. Like, if this is what all men look like, I'm going to love it. He just sees me. Oh, I love. Oh, you're getting on. Ooh, I like your little asshole. Ooh, fucking, you can wrap that around me any time. Yeah, she's like, I'm going back to the island.

I'm siding with the Nazis. Well, they're not Nazis. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, Germans, Nazis, all the same. Somalians, whatever. So, um, they team up and they go to London, all right? Okay. And, um, oh, I forgot to know, they have a bit of banter about his penis.

Oh, really? The bit where he's getting the bat. Okay. She walks in and he's like, oh, Hey, privacy. And she's like, are all men like that? He's like, some men are a little bit average. Yeah.

Is the implication that he has a big dick? Yeah. Okay, good. And she's gagging for it. Doesn't know what it is, but she knows that she wants it. Yeah. Like a dog seen cheese. So they get to it and they meet

Candy Etel Candy who she's the comic relief It's Dawn from the office Oh, okay Yeah She's in this she wears a big fat suit Okay

And there's a few jokes about She's really hamming it up in this Right And she's fat so she's like Oh is any cake around Okay And there's a bit in it where someone's like We don't have to run this operation

She goes run Okay Yeah She doesn't like running because she's fat I get that but I think she's sassy later on

so it's okay okay yeah that's a thing yeah she's like that's not my job when they make jokes to hide

how miserable and depressed they are it's funny that's the fatties we like they don't want people like me

who are like oh oh it's all go to dog yeah you'd be a real bummer during World War I I'd bring the mood

down even the German like when the Germans get out to like play football on Christmas day they're like

we're going back in C3 Is that fat guy is really bombing us out? So, it turns out Ares, the god of war, has taken over the body of David Tewillis. Oh, okay, I like him. You know him? Yeah, good actor, yeah. And he wants peace.

Now, there's a weird message in this. He wants peace because peace brings more war. How? Because if peace, okay, will help the Germans. Okay. Instead, to just go, the access power. No, what's the, who are the good guys? They're the Axis powers, the Allies, okay?

The Allies, yeah, yeah. The Allies need to fight instead of like, oh, let's have peace. Yeah, okay. That's sissy talk, okay? Right, right, right. They need to have, they need to fight and destroy the Germans. Okay. Okay.

Okay. All right. That's what Wonder Woman is saying. She's like, you cannot have peace now. You must have, you must fight when things are wrong, because when brains are wrong, it is wrong. Okay. Okay.

Is that, so she is like an accent? I've never, I've never. She, I'll watch them clear. she's awful okay right I'm going back to awful now yes

well she's not good and they don't it's all very basic like when you're lying lying is bad this is basically which sounds like

right I wonder woman wonder woman good be jamming bad yes okay very monoslamic right okay

so yeah it doesn't even have like the charm of like Arnie where he's like Wonder Woman in the comics

has a bit of a bit of sass to her you know she's bit like hmm men i'd actually like that and this she's very much like no you do not i do i follow the orders of your penis whatever it tells me to do i go in this direction if your penis say murder Palestinian children I do so then they go to Germany okay and there's low scenes them like fighting Germans and they team up with listen to a guy with turban okay a black guy okay and the Native American. Right.

They're all working together. So it's just the YMCA crew. Yeah. Okay. And a sailor. They use dancing to confuse the Germans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then...

Why does men kiss other men? Is this normal? No fucking way, honey. It's just America, baby. So they all team up and they all defeat evil David to Willis. Aries. Yeah, so it turns out... Ares has caused World War I.

Okay, sure. Because he's influenced the mind of man. Okay. Okay. So he caused World War I. They defeat Ares. Chris Pine dies. Oh, no.

He sacrifices himself in a plane crash. Yeah, okay. And they defeat, and that's the end of war. Forever. Yeah. Don't mention World War II at all. Really? Yeah, very weird.

I thought to have at least a bit of like, not that it is over there will be other wars to come but I will defend you something like but truth and justice will always survive

but it's not it just goes like war is over now John Lennon's song starts playing yeah yeah yeah and that's the end of the first film okay

terrible sounds awful pretty boring that's the one people like oh that's the good one yeah at least a little bit of banter between the two because Chris Pine's

Likeable. Yeah, I like Respond. And Gail Godot, I might talk shit about her and I might go back and forth between

liking her and just liking her. I might send her like dead pigeons in the post with bullets in their mouths. I'm flirting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love it.

Yeah, but I mean, like, you know what? It's better she's doing Wonder Woman than, I don't know, like an actual serious

thriller or something. Okay. Like if she was doing Like a remake of the accused. I do not want to go to pinball machine. Like she couldn't do like pride

prejudice, let's say. She can't do any other accent, their voice or anything. Mr. Dassey. Yeah, okay. So next, Wonder Woman, let's get this over with it, okay? Wonder Woman 1984. Yes. The sequel. They're like, let's set in the 80s. This got released, like, Christmas Day.

Christmas Day. Yeah, on HBO Max. Nice. So, this is set in the 80s. Yeah. Gail Godot is still missing Chris Pine. She's pining for Pine. She hasn't fucked anyone since. Right. And she ever fucked anyone?

She fucked at him once. Oh, okay. Yeah, German, on the trenches. Yeah, in the mud. On the corpse of a German child. Yeah. Yeah. You all played football.

This was better. Yeah, yeah. All right. So it's the 80s now, and she's all sad, but she's Wonder Woman, and she mostly stops crimes and malls. Okay. You know, and Kristen Wigg is there, and she's a real nerd. Where's it said, England? No, America

America Okay So, and Kristen Wig Is like her friend She's a real nerd She's jealous of Wonder Woman Okay She's like, oh you're so pretty

And I'm not Yeah Then they find a magic wishing stone Oh okay Okay That can grant any wish Brilliant Okay

So if starts off Someone's like I wish I had some coffee Coffee appears Wow And that's how Starbucks was born Yeah Next Kristen Wig wishes

She was more like Wonder Woman Okay Next thing you know she takes off her glasses she's sexy oh that's how it works yeah that's what happened to you man you were wearing glasses that's why she left you and the take off my glasses

Christian wig I like Kristen wig like I tell you what you'd like because you're a red blooded male okay yeah there's a bit where she's working out in 80s gear oh I like that she is very hot though she's like there's a sexy like it's like a quirky attractiveness but she's definitely attractive you know what I mean

but like she's also like really talented and funny tell you what because we're both single now let's let's put that scene on downstairs afterwards and just you know i tell you what why don't we both pursue christin wig it'd be like a it'll be like a wacky 90s rom-com yeah let's drunk drive over to america right now where's christend wig yeah skeleton twin bitch get over here we end up fucking bill hater that's still good still good i'm banging barry he's doing he's doing his Puccino impression. Oh, I didn't bank on this.

Okay, so they find the magic wishing stone and Kristen Wigg gets mad sexy. Okay. In her, I don't know what, something about 80s stuff, I love the, like, the exercise stuff. The aesthetic. Yeah, but she looks great in it, okay?

So, Magic Wishing Stone. Yeah. Wonder Woman's like, okay, she got her wish. I wish Chris Pine was here. Ah, okay. Next thing she knows, she's at a party. A random guy goes up and goes like, Hey, how you doing, honey?

Go away from me, you're not Chris Pine. Yeah. Are you sure? She looks at the mirror. It's Chris Pine. His ghost has possessed the body of a random man. And by looking in a mirror she can see, it's him. Yeah, and then we cut back, Chris Pine standing there.

Okay. Yeah. Whatever. It's like quantum leap. It's dumb. And then they start making a, like a fucking vase with pottery. Oh. Chris Pine is in

Whoopi Goldberg's body Child is me, Chris Paa And they're still bang So people are saying this is rape What do you think about this? If a ghost possesses someone Oh, okay And then Gail Godot

Fux it The body, the original guy Didn't consent to that Okay This is like a quantum leap situation Where does his consciousness go When he's possessed by Chris Pine Yeah

I don't think he's going to mind Too much if he wakes up Next to Gal Godot win win yeah yeah that's me being a victim blamer there but look if gal gaddo wants to rape me i'm cool with it yeah i'll be your little palestinian bitch yeah yeah you'll have you for dessert you know who else wants the wishing stone yes mexican donald trump oh pablo pascal el trompo terrily yeah yeah he's name pascal what pascal pascal pablo pascal he's the mandolorean okay okay so he plays latino trump right now he's evil because his dad beat his mother right and then beat him when he pissed the bed

okay so that he's evil now okay right i see and he um is a reality tv star wow so they go real who runs a fake business okay uh has like you know hotels hmm and has i i like i Ideas of becoming president. Very on the nose then. Very on the nose, okay? And his business, it's good in the outside. When inside all his buildings are falling apart, he's like loads of unpaid bills. Right, right, right.

He's like, you got to get that stone. The magic wishing stone. Yeah, yeah. So he gets the stone. And the other way normally you'd say, like, I want a million wishes. Yeah. He wishes to be the stone. Well, that's just dumb.

Yeah. That's silly, Brian. This all sounds very, very serious. scientifically that's not what you do with a wishing stone I don't remember saying that in quantum leap so he becomes a stone so he can grant any wish he wants

he becomes a stone well the stone's inside him okay okay so he doesn't actually I just pictured him becoming stones like oh I didn't think this through at all he's just a big rock oh it's a Mexican rock

dog pisses on it hey I'm the president you said of a bitch I'll have your puppies put in cages okay so he's like now I can do anything. What am I going to do? I'm going to go to Egypt. Okay.

Okay. So he goes to Egypt, okay, to get their oil. Oh, interesting. Okay. And the Egyptians are like, no, we already sold their oil to Saudi Arabia. Arabia wouldn't really need to buy oil. No, they seem to have their own. But anyway, Mexican Trump is like, I can grant any wish you want.

What do you want? And the Egyptian Taoiseach, wherever the fuck, is like, I wish to have our love. land, separate from other land. He's like, okay, and Mexican Donald Trump builds a wall. Nice. Yeah. That's clever now, isn't it? Yeah, a big wall around Egypt, okay?

And then he becomes rich. Now he owns all the oil in Egypt. Couldn't he just have wished for... No. Now, I'll stop you right there. Now, Wonder Woman and Chris Pine fly over to Egypt and then fight Arabs for half an hour. But Chris Biden is still the possessed.

Yeah. Who's the possessed, dude? Some generic handsome guy who looks a little bit like, what's his name, McDreamy? Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Generic handsome guy from, yeah. But it kind of looks like Grey's Anatomy guy, okay? So they go over and fight Arabs for a while. Right, sure.

Yeah, I think Gail Godot probably was like, let's, you know. She's fairly seasoned in that. It's like, yeah. The other way in some superhero movies to fight, like, robots or aliens. Arabs. Yeah. even worse So they fight Arabs

Rages and they fly back to America and they bang sweet Yeah and And then Kristen Wigg

starts dating Mexican Trump Really? Yeah Yeah Interesting And they're like Now we can take over the world

Let's go To the Let's go to the White House So they go to the White House And meet the president Who isn't Reagan Okay

They just cast A generic white guy he's present who's like what's going on you can't be in here I wish you'd fuck off he's like any oh really

yeah okay does it drop an F bomb no he doesn't know I wish you'd get lost buzz off yeah yeah so now

hit the bricks so now he's he televises to the whole world okay and he's like people the world I'll grant

any wish you want because he loves granting wishes okay So there's like Then we cut to England 1984

There's a couple of fighting Okay Okay And the English woman's like I wish all you Irish bastards We'll get rounded up and sent back To where you came from And Irish guys like

Yeah I wish you drop dead She goes And falls down to the ground And he's like Jesus Christ He turns around There's vans going around Collecting Irish people

Why did Oh okay Right, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's, so, that means at that moment, everyone in the world

who's wishing something has it come true. Yeah. Right, that is beyond retarded. But they don't really have much fun with it. They don't like, they just show that one bit. They show that one,

and there's another clip of a guy who at loads of cows. He's like, I wished for a farm, but I just got a load of cows. Yeah. Okay. And, uh...

And Bill Cosby is like, I wish this girl would fall. sleep right now I have a waste of a wish isn't it I mean he had his own meds Okay So now everyone's getting their wish Very dumb

Everyone's getting their wish Okay and the world's gone to chaos Yeah this is like Bruce Almighty He had the same thing Anyway Also I don't know why they're like You know what's the worst thing he could do Grant people's wishes

Yeah Because people would pick nice things as well Yeah that's true Yeah But in this it's like They all pick things that That's greedy Yeah great

They're all greedy, greedy little pigs. Yeah. The age of consent drops to three. That's the one wish. You're like, let's just keep. I think we're all in agreement on that one, ladies and gentlemen. At least everyone who's all enough to vote. So now, like, Wonder Woman's trying to stop fucking Mexican Trump from broadcasting more wishes.

Right. But Kristen Wigg shows up and turns into a cat. oh was that her wish no no she just wants to be she wishes to be an apex predator okay so she turns to a big cat cheetah right and she fights wonder woman in the dark so you can't really see what's going on

probably because you know budget budget yeah yeah yeah they blew it all on the wishes they blew it all in the Irish people getting rounded up because they did that for real it's a viral marketing campaign So then Wonder Woman defeats Kristen Wig And she goes into

Fucking Mexican Trump It's like You must stop giving people wishes They don't know what they want They must Because you are lying to them Because great wish come great Responsibility

Right okay They do not know what power This is bad magic It goes off rage This is bad Mad Magico And he's like You're right

The power's too great And then he I don't know He just he runs away The end This will make it This will make a tear Come up your eye

Okay So he runs away And it's like Oh God Now I've got nothing again Because everyone Everyone in the world renounces their wishes

Right Yeah of course They all realize It's bad Yeah yeah That's what That would happen. You know in the dark night

where they agree not to press the button? Blow it up. Yeah. It's like that, but with magic wishes. And it involves the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they... You know what? I've decided that even though I'm seven years old, I don't want to get rid of my leukemia because that's selfish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Wonder Woman told me not to. Yeah, yeah.

So, so Mexican Trump now is nothing. He's like, oh, I'm a joke. Right. I've lost all my aisle. he sees his son and his son you know what his son's wish was to be loved by his father

Oh Jesus Christ And then Mexican Trump hugs his Mexican son Yeah Yeah And um Oh By the way

Chris Pine died off camera Good Yeah Really? Yeah Nice He he he Because when Wonder Woman

renounced her wish Oh he died again Yeah but we don't see him Right okay So now Wonder Woman's all sad Like no one will fuck me now. I'm such an unlovable

fucking whore. I'm like female Jonah Hill. Okay. Even that motherfucker's getting some pussy! So she's all sad now, okay? And then she meets the guy who Chris Pine

took over. And he's like Hey, how you doing now? Remember me? He's like, gee, I had a crea. I don't remember what happened the last couple days at all. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And she's like, well, I will fuck you. why do I have a tattoo of a swastika on my chest oh don't worry about that

so it ends there ends with Wonder Woman getting some dick sweet some new dick post credit sequence okay you're gonna like this you stuck into the very end yeah yeah I watched didn't skip so

post credit sequence a woman wearing a veil non-Muslim is walking down the street okay and a lamp post falls over and it's about to crush a pram but the woman puts her hand up and catches a lamp post stops it from falling

and the woman just keeps walking like it's nothing okay and the woman with the pram's like miss miss I must thank you who are you the woman turns around very shit turn she doesn't turn her neck

so you know oh it's like she turns her full body yeah body it's because she's old it's Linda Carter oh I see the original Wonder Woman from the 70s

how's she looking well she can't turn that well because her neck but I mean she doesn't look too bad like a bag of bones yeah you would still you would you wouldn't enjoy it that much you probably feel weird yeah but you know you wouldn't

you'd high five your friends afterwards you know dude I totally beg you know smell my fingers they seem why are they gangrous don't worry about it bro yeah and then like Linda Carr is like you know the woman

no, sorry, the one with the pram's like, you're like, Wonder Woman, it's like, Wonder Woman, yes, I am a little bit like her, the end. Right. So. And how has this been received critically? Not great. No.

People don't really like the idea of wishing stones. Yeah, I mean, that is really, I mean, it's all, it's weird because it's like, by superheroes, but they bring like a magic element into it. Like, you know, I don't know. And there's not really like. There's no stakes. There's no stakes. It just like make it, wish at the end brings everything because it's basically is doing

big undo at the end. It's the equivalent of it was all a dream. Also, like, I know this was meant to be out in the summer, but even at a Trump party in the summer would have felt like, oh, we get it. Yeah, it's been done. And now, at Christmas 2020, it's like,

like, he's leaving, it's over, like, yeah, yeah. They should just focus, like, Kristen Wig, I would like more of her in, but she doesn't do anything. She's kind of like, you know what? I'm going to stand walk here. Kristen Wig works for Mexican Trump. Should we another way around? Oh, brilliant.

Well done. Yeah, feel proud, do you? Will you come back to me now? Baby, come back. You can blame it all. Love me. Ah, you'd be fine, you'll be fine. Look, these are the things that make you, you know?

When they increase the dosage of your SSRI medication, you'll look back at this and laugh. You know what's annoying? Normally with a breakup, you're allowed, like, a week or two, of just going off to fucking boil, you know, just going a bit mental.

But I've got exams the next two weeks. So you've got to hunker down. So now my way to go mental is just to record the podcast. This is you cutting loose. You came here looking for emotional support.

We just had me calling you a buffed. I just showed up like, James, I'm sad. Do some racist voices. Like, she. See, man. You tripping over a bitch. Man, ain't no motherfucker I'm

going to be pussy whip like that. man where you dig ass son we're one minute 15 oh one hour 15 no one minute

it's just been a very long minute yeah one hour 15 yeah I think we can wrap up there I think this is a very good fun episode

yeah yeah yeah this is something we can be proud of unlike everything else I think our first one was a bit slow but still good stuff yeah yeah

again like it takes a while to get by you know you're getting getting over the Christmas thing you're letting your breakup come in here and ruin the dynamic and being unprofessional but you know whatever like you know it's cool don't worry about it i apologize yeah you should and uh

next time i'll keep it keep it all locked away inside my brain do that's the best place for it no one wants you're crying on the podcast here's the thing here's what nobody wants to tell you but this is the reality of it okay there is an increasing ever increasing number of homeless people on our streets if you got some pain inside just go out in the day of night and take it out on them. No one's going to care if they go missing. What, they got to fish some hobo out of the canal. Nobody's shedding tears for that, okay?

Bring a knife, bring a claw hammer, do it. Get creative with it. You know, have a bit of fun. Release all the boo-hooos and the angries and wake up tomorrow feeling fresh as daisies. That's the cadden advice sir. It is depressingly easy to do that, I imagine.

Well, if you can't get Kristen Whig, that's plan B. That's plan B. Anyway, let's send it there. Yeah. Okay. Well, look, Brian, you'll get through it with, you'll get by with a little help from your friends. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Actually, you know what? If we don't double our Patreon subscribers, Brian's going to kill himself. So that's your homework listeners. If we double. You go out and make sure you get friends to subscribe so Brian doesn't, you know, have a little whoopsie in the bath. Or like, if there's any, like, if there's any, like, you know, you know, Twink's listening. Yeah.

Cheer me up. Yeah. Do your job. Or women, I guess. No, no, not going to do that. Fool me once. Yeah, I've seen Wonder Woman. Once bitten twice shy.

All right. Press stop there. All right. Goodbye. Bye.