Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Episode 99 : The Mysterious Death of Daniel Morgan

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

Problematic Friends moments, Mrs Brown, The mysterious death of a private investigator and the cool side of vaccines.

okay how you feel now james feeling better so much better i got a beer see you were all sad and depressed and lonely but now i have alcohol yeah so i just fixed everything it did like a magical cure all it is funny you know sometimes when you're depressed james if you know me fuck i'm no puff i'm fucking having eight lads me and the lads fucking damn the booze yes i'm familiar with getting the boo-hooos do you ever like the it gals want me to kill myself, but I won't give them the satisfaction. Do you ever like, when you have like the boo-hoo's

okay, and then you drink a bit, you're like I feel great now. Yeah. I'm a genius. Why doesn't everyone do this? I've solved the problem. Yeah. No, it's there's no, you know, there's no chemical solution

to an emotional problem, Brian. Push-ups. Oh, okay. That's what I hear. Yeah. Lobb, that's what people tell me. Push-ups? Yeah, push-ups and working out and working hard and therapy and and eating right nonsense yeah yeah voodoo bloody

hocus pocus fucking pins and dolls that's what that is fucking black magic don't trust it stay away yeah I'm doing all right have my good days and bad days well you know what better days ahead

it's always good to read up of people who've had less fortunate experiences that's what I find to cheer yourself up Yes, of course. So I've been reading about Daniel Morgan. Mm-hmm. Okay.

He was a man, a private investigator, okay? Who was investigating police corruption. Oh, I see. You know what happened to him? What? Axe in the face. Axe in the face. To death.

Okay. He died from that. You can die from that. Forget it, Daniel. It's Axe Town. So axe in the face. That cheers you up, doesn't it? It does.

Yeah, yeah. So he was just like a private investigator. Did he have any kind of? kind of, no, he's like an actual PI, like a gum shoe.

He was a PI, like good old fashion British PI. Yeah. Mostly, you know if you're PI, it's not that exciting.

It's not like, oh, hello, honey, you gotta get the diamonds. And if you get the diamonds, I'll show you my tits. Yes. Yeah,

it's not like that. It's more like, it's more like, my husband's cheating on me. Yeah. Get the bastard. Right. Yeah.

And she's all fat. You deserve it, you dog. I'll really paint the picture with words yeah but it is like for a PI it's most just like oh this guy is

you know says he's crippled I don't believe him right yeah or like it's like small scale stuff sure this guy says his windows got broken by black kids but it was actually his him and blackface small scale stuff

and he was cheating on his wife in blackface yeah She was into it. Yeah, she loved it. So this guy, Daniel Morgan, he was on his own for a while, working a little company,

little mom and pop detective agency. I think him and just one little typewriter guy. You know, the kind of the nerdy guy. He was like, oh, you're spending too much money. Be careful, Daniel. Yeah, yeah.

Shut the fuck up. Shut your goddamn mouth. These mean streets of Birmingham don't get no cleaner. Let me tell you. All right. Or he'd be like, you know, of all the cab shops

in all the world she walked into mine or did the counter be like you gotta stop helping all these orphans he's like shut up

I know they don't pay well but I gotta save the day I'm just a hooker with a hard of gold can I tell you who's also a PI in blackface

hooha no he's not potato so eventually Daniel Morgan meets up with his other guy another PI

called Jonathan Reese okay and Jonathan Reese is a very successful P.I. Doesn't seem to do fuck all. Okay. Barely does anything. Spends most of his time down the booze or with the police.

Oh, I see. Is he kind of in with the cops? Yeah, very, very buddy-buddy with the cops. We went to school with him. Is he like a retired cop running? No, just always like always buddy-buddy with them. Okay, okay. And he's like, this guy's got a lot money. We'll team up. We'll make an investigation

company together. Who has the money? Jonathan Reese. The guy was like... Yeah, I was thinking he, because that kind of sounds like he's a rich guy Like a rich kid probably comes from money. Yeah, okay. So he was like, okay, we'll team up. And they teamed up then to form a, I think it was called like Southern Investigations or something like that. And it was going well at first.

And eventually you started like falling apart because fucking they'd have like the money for the company. Yeah. And they'd be getting spent down the boozer. Oh. By Jonathan. Johnny Reese. Reese's pieces. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Having a big, having it large. And Jonathan was always like, so like, you know, they split the money they make. Right, right, right. And John was like, yeah, I made nothing this month. Okay. Okay. Turns out Johnton Reese actually made loads of money.

Okay. From the news of the world. Oh, was he kind of... He was working for them, was it? He was one their main guys. He was like hacking. He was basically on retainer. Really?

So not only would he hack phones for News the World. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would break in the houses for them. Jesus. Yeah. Steel fucking, steal Helen Mirren's underwear. It's like, we didn't ask you to do that. I sniffed them for you.

It's for the love of the job. Leave no stone unturned. He's like, don't wear underwear. They smell nice. Can that be a story? Cabab badge, miren. Heavy flow ruins jocks. Extra, extra. All the Echo boys are going mad about it.

Actually, you know who's running the news the world this stage? Who? Yeah She kind of Ginger Lady Yeah she was like One of the big Villains of the

Phone Hacking scandal What was that The Levinson Inquirer? Yeah yeah Now guess who she was banging Who was she banging? Bald man

Okay Ross Kemp No way She was banging Ross Kemp No only was she banging him She was banging him A more ways than one Because she burst

His lip open Did she? Yeah She beat the shit out of Ross Kemp She was domestic Abusing Ross Kent. That is hilarious.

Make him cry. Yeah. Make a documentary about that, you little sissy. Yeah, she was slapping around and he was in the corner all crying, feeling weak. Bit like why I do to you? Yeah, yeah. I thought Afghanistan was bad, but this bitch is bloody mental. I need to get

out. Yeah, she was proper slapping around. He had to leave. That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. He had to get Phil Mitchell to come around and help. Don't you touch my brother again? So anyway, John's and Reese, okay He's making big, big money

with news of the world Right, but he's not like He's not sharing it Right And he's not even tell, he doesn't tell Daniel Morgan doesn't even know about it probably Because he's like, he's like the straight arrow He like plays a-

Morgan's a straight arrow Okay So Morgan gets a tip from a police officer About certain Criminal activities in the police force Oh somebody smells a rat Yeah Something big okay

Yeah Something big to do with higher-ups and the smuggling of coke and people looking the other way. Right. And maybe someone making a bit of money off looking from the other way, if you know what I mean? Oh, yes. And you understand what I'm talking about? No, I don't know what you mean. Now, cocaine, what is that?

That's a soda brand of some guy in cocaine, coal. Yeah, no, I get you. I'm with it. I'm hip. You know, I got my contacts on the street. Yeah, I got huggy bear right there giving me the good word. You know what it is. You think everyone's huggy bear.

I just go to like, I'm not even, forget it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, could just go too many ways. Let's move on. I'm making the right. Here, New Year, New Me, Brian. Less racism. That's my New Year's resolution.

Okay. So Daniel's working on the story and he's like, this is gold. Okay. What am I going to do? Go to the police. They're all in on it. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll go to the news of the world. trustworthy. And had he had any dealings with them at all? No, not really. Okay. Well, if he did, he didn't talk about it and no one knew about it. Okay, okay. And not even John and Reese knew about it. Okay. So he goes to the news of the world

and tells him, like, I got a story, here you go. Okay. Next thing you know, he's walking along a car park. Yes. Hey, what, there's an axe. Oh, Jesus. He's in my face. Oh, there's a bloody axe in my face. Somebody help me. Oh, my doctor says, not supposed to get an axe in my face

I'm bloody allergic Has anyone got a clareton? So he gets an axe in the face and goes dead dead all right Wow, an axe in the face I mean that is sending a message You know what, that's personal Yes, yeah, yeah

You're right I mean it's messy You know, it's not even an effective You know, that's hubris right there Whoever wanted to kill this guy It's like, I'll use an axe in the face Also, it's a lot of effort Yeah, you know, I'll have a real swing on that

You do. I mean, to crack, I mean, get through the cartilage of the nose and the skull. Yeah. You know, it's a good sturdy arm on whoever did it. Now, the police officer who was giving him the story. Yeah. Guess what happened to him? What?

Suicide. Oh, it's always suicide, isn't it? Suicide by axe in the face. And, like, so the actual, so the big story was that the cops were just, uh, being paid to turn a blind eye to the trafficking of cocaine. Allegedly. Don't bad mouth the police. The Metropolitan Police Force. Where's this? London?

Yeah. The Met. The oligarchs playground, as I like to call it, swine the bloody lot of them. Okay. So, some of the police involved, right, that's a little suspicious axe in the face. All right. Maybe we should investigate. I don't know what it is, Janie,

but just something those shit right. What do you mean, Chief? Well, they got an axe in the face, sir. Anyway, whatever. So they're like... Shut up, Caden, you fucking worthless, cunt. Yeah.

Yeah. It was going well and you round it. We're going to start over. Hit stop. Throw the zoom out the window. Yeah. Okay, so... Okay, so the...

Some of the police involved are like, I think it's like the, what they call the anti-fraud union... The police officers who watches the watchmen. Oh, like internal affairs. Yeah, internal affairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a line of duty.

It's probably called something different. in America or in England No, it's full out, it's Mark Wahlberg and Martin Short. Martin Short. You did that again. Don't make me bust out my jimony click impression, Brian. You know I will.

Yeah, Martin Sheen. Well, you get thrown off the window. You know, you know. Yeah, I get. So Internal Affairs doing an investigation is John and Reese fell out. Right. They bug the office. Okay. They find out, well, one thing, before even that, the interview, you know, the nerdy accountant? Yeah. Yeah.

Apparently, the nerdy accountant said that Reese was, like, bragging about the fact that, like, oh, I fucking kill that guy. Serious? Yeah, yeah. Wow. He was to the accountant, like, oh, I'd love to fucking kill him. About Daniel? Yeah. No, he was saying, I would like to kill him or I did kill him.

No, I'd like to. I'd love to fucking do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's really getting him more tits. Okay. So the police were like, okay, we got him saying he'd like to do it and then him getting killed. Let's bug his office. Okay.

Now, they want to find information about this. crime they end up finding information about a completely different crime okay so they find out Jonathan Reese was working with a guy a client and the client hired Reese to plant cocaine on his wife's person

so the husband would get custody of the kids wow that's dodgy that's being a PI you know that's dodgy stuff yeah I like it yeah it gets me off you get a little sweaty now you can do that

Even more so than usual. I just come to random women and plant coke on them. I want their kids now. Give me their kids. Who are you? That's how custody works. Take her away, boys.

So because of this, Reese goes, he does time, but not as much as he could have. You know, this is murdered. Like, he does like five years.

Okay. It's almost like, lucky for him. He got caught for that. Right. Because that's kind of small fish in comparison. Yeah, yeah.

so the investigation does not end there because they're like what about all these corrupt police sure so they're doing more investigation now detective chief chief detective chief come on you can do it almost over the finish line superintendent yeah Dave cook Dave it was confusing because it's chief and cook and I was saying I kept thinking chef chef So, Cookie. Cookie. Yeah, okay. So Dave Cook, he's a detective, okay, head detective.

Okay. He goes on TV on BBC, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, if you have any information on the death of Daniel Morgan, please, you know, standard team. Gives a buzz.

Yeah, give me a message, okay, on the DM, you know? Hit me up on MySpace. It's cookie loves tits at yahoo.com. Now, Dave Cook's wife was a presenter on Crime Watch. Oh, okay.

It's probably good for her. She's getting it straight from the horse's mouth. Yeah, straight from the horse's cook. Yeah, he's getting it straight from her badge. Straight from the horse's cunt. Yeah. We did it. Yeah, we got there eventually.

Team work. Let me drink some more coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll drink some more beer. The words are getting confusing. I'm boozing it up. What time is it? It's not even 4 o'clock, yeah. Drink more.

What a tragic life. God, I wish I could get an axe to the face. drink more you'll slow down it so cookie goes on tvs like uh you know give me a buzz tell me some information yeah yeah yeah the next day gets word from higher up uh your life is in danger okay there's been credible threats right against you and your wife oh so you got to go into hiding yeah so they go into hiding in a house all right for like a couple weeks yeah yeah yeah until the police can do some more investigating there's a there's a van following them

and outside the house okay yeah yeah the wife sees it she gets one the police to follow the van turns out it's two people who work for news of the world

oh yeah so obviously they're just they're kind of scoping them out they're not threatening no matter well listen this their excuse was they were doing an investigation

to see if the news presenter was having an affair with Dave Cook and they were like but she's married to Dave Cook and we're like oh well that's what the confusion was

yeah oh we'll go then silly us yeah yeah it sounds like somebody's not very good at improvising on the spot yeah

that's some pretty bad lying right there oh no we were doing you know she might be a terrorist okay so they're in hiding what else

what else and then nothing else really happens. Oh, that's it then? Yeah, that's it. It all just kind of fizzled out. It all just fizzled out then.

Okay. So nothing got solved. When did this happen roughly? This was like, 2010-ish, was it? No, it's like maybe 90s. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. When was the news of the world scandal?

This was years later. Oh, okay. No, maybe it was early 2000s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the documentary I watched is about his mother, Daniel Morgan's mother, and she's like 90 now. Yeah. And she's like, when will they find out who killed my son?

Yeah. It's a bit in the documentary where she goes to number 10 and she's like, hello, Mr. Prime Minister. Mrs. May, are you there? Right, right. And then she comes out, then a few minutes later and she's like, she actually got, probably because the cameras were on her.

Of course. She was like, I'll talk to this old bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to shut her up, okay? Yeah. And then she's like, Mrs. May said she'd investigate. And then the text comes up like, yeah, his murder was never found.

Yeah, obviously, yeah, yeah. May was like, I'll do it, just leave me alone. Just fuck off. Look, what are you selling, love? I got jimes with this. Girl Scouts, cookies, is it? So, yeah, that's the bit of true crime. It's interesting now, yeah.

People love true crime. They do, yeah, yeah. That's your fill. There's a documentary to be made there. Well, there already has been. I watched it. Oh, yeah, there you go. But our one will be better.

Our one will be better, yeah. We'll go to number 10. Where's Theresa May? She's to blame for it all. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's got me more coffee Yeah, I have another sup there Yeah, well, it's interesting now

The old suicided, that's always the way, isn't it? Anytime, like, so many suicides attached to these types of investigations When it involves police corruption And the higher-ups and stuff, you know, they always are very convenient, if you ask me Always very weird suicides, never like a nice tidy one

Yeah, yeah, yeah me think you'd feel like if you're going to like do it you know fake a suicide you'd make it look good here's the thing is though i think the theory behind that is it's uh it's been it's called suicided so they make it look just enough like a suicide but also kind of sloppy enough so that it kind so guys like us who are in the no well more so to other people is like here look this can't open his mouth and we slashed his wrists while he was jogging in the woods yeah so maybe if you better keep your mouth shut to or yeah i don't know you go for a swim with some concrete boots pretty cool yeah that's the new jackass

it's them just killing themselves yeah they should do yeah they all that's the only way it should end jackass there's a there's a fourth one coming out is yeah it got postponed because of corona but they're back filming it now because they're all in the high risk category because they're all 52 yeah yeah and they're all like you know aren't all of them like fall in the part already. They must be, I mean, there must be an absolute bit. Steve-O looks pretty fresh though. You know, he's kind of gone clean, he's got a podcast now. He seems

all right. Yeah, yeah, getting a podcast. That's a sign of you're doing good. Well, I'm sure he's doing better than us, Brian. Actually, at this moment, yes. He's clean and happy. And we're the opposite. We're the complete opposite, yeah. Well, I'm pretty clean right now. Quit smoking

weed, quit popping the pills. You know? You're worried that when you get the vaccine your life of call the power? I don't think I'm going to get the vaccine at least not for a long time I'm not like you know

I want the vaccine straight away and I hope something weird happens what do you what do you think's going to happen like get an extra ear or something yeah would you like if they gave it to you

take it would you oh I'd take it yeah I actually would because I don't really care anymore if they were like look we got this we got this other thing as well yeah

we don't even know what it does we don't know look you want to check it out there yeah it's just glowing shit I was actually listen to this podcast about a guy who like he

he takes stuff for like hospitals what do you call it like medical research yeah medical research like a test thing yeah yeah yeah yeah sounds crazy you kind of forget

like doctors really are just going like fuck it try it I got this dickhead's willing to do it then yeah just pump him full of shit yeah yeah so like he was talking like one there's like okay look this thing and it's for like dogs we're gonna give it to you and see what happens

you take in your Dizzy for like three days. Yeah, yeah. And then they're like, well, I guess it doesn't do anything. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm sure, like, I don't know. Why would you want to do that job? Does it pay well? Well, these guys don't we have an option, like?

Or they're just like homeless that they found? Yeah, yeah. Look, if you want a bowl of cold porridge and a wet mattress for the night, take these pills. It's all homeless people and podcasters. That's literally, it's like, okay, if I take these pills, you subscribe to my Patreon. Yeah, yeah. That's how it goes.

And, like, they're doing crazy stuff. Like, you're taking, like, spinal fluid and then, like, well, we stick up your ass. The doctors kind of have their own jackass. Yeah, no way, dude. We're going to put stem cells down his fucking japside. Wee! Come on, just do it, man.

Like, the doctor's injecting, you're like, why have you got a skateboard? Well, he's, uh, it was Spike Jones. Yeah, yeah. Just there filming all. Well, if you're going to be dumb, you got to be tough. Oh, I was watching, I sent you a video with this thing. So there was a girl a couple years ago. Her name was Desry Jennings.

Oh, yeah, you did. Yeah, this is insane. I hope this happens to people when we get the vaccine. So she was a cheerleader, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a... It's kind of like a stuck-up hot girl. Yeah, like a Texas cheerleader.

Yeah. But she was like B-League. Okay. She wasn't like the main... The only way of cheerleaders, got the ones who danced at the football game. yeah she was the one clean the toilet but she still had to dress

like a cheerleader yeah yeah yeah can I use a brush instead of these pom-poms no now flush out the jacks I left a big growler in it yeah yeah you work your way up you know it's not about being

attractive around you get to start off from the bottom yeah you gotta start off like fucking slaves to the pyramids you gotta build a stadium right and then like the stadium just built from the bones

of cheerleaders so anyway this one, okay, she wasn't doing very well at cheerleading. Okay. She was like, hmm, how can I get more successful? Yeah. She comes up with an idea, an idea, okay? And idea, yeah, yeah.

She gets a vaccine, okay? And she tells it, like, for the HPV? Yeah, HPV vaccine, okay? And she tells everyone that because of the vaccine, she now walks backwards. Yeah, she, like, spasms and, no, you tell it, sorry, go on. She says that, okay, she now, she can only. only walk backwards normally. Or sideway.

Like a crab. Yeah, yeah. If she walks forward, she starts spazzing out. Yeah, she literally starts like, she's like James Brown like, get on up, get up, get on.

Like proper spazen out, you know. If she tries to walk forward, she goes, well, and then just falls into the ground. Yeah. Like sound like, now, help me now.

Yeah. Yeah. And also she talks Australian. Yeah. So that's like, of course an Australian accent she's all walk forward. emulgistry in

Australian. It's a neurological disease. But if I walk backwards, I'm totally fine. I talk like this. Like, it's mental. And people are like, what a tragedy? This is what happens when you vaccinate your kids. It was like on fucking 60 minutes and shit

it's like, you won't believe our next story. This stuck up bitch with perky tits has gone all retard in the brain after getting jabbed in the ass. Let's talk to her right. now. Well, I'm talking very strangely.

Yeah. Yeah. So. But if I walk backwards, I'm fine. Yeah. So she walks backwards. She can speak fine forwards. She's all jittery. She goes full on Parkinson's. Yeah, full-blown Michael J. Fox like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She says Michael J.

Fox taught of walking backwards. Picture this. If Michael J. Fox played Crocodile Dundee, that's what we're talking about here. with saggy tits that get worse by every year

God, what a fantasy that is I'm going to have to go into the bathroom for a bit I walk backwards to the bathroom so yeah

so you call he a cook this is a cook so a lot of people use this as an excuse not to vaccinate their kids right right so they're like

oh do you want your kid do you want your little boy to be Australian yeah and whatever the rest yeah but Australian not Australian

I can put up with the spas and then being disabled it's fine being Australian I'd have to take him out back I don't get a special

fucking parking space for him being Australian do I yeah funny you go to Australian and like

these people must have all got vaccinated my God it's an epidemic time to take out the trash okay

oh that's what's wrong with Nanette Hannah Gassby got fucking vaccinated and that's why she talks like that Yeah If I walk backwards My jokes are actually funny Yeah

Oh fuck So a lot of people are going like It's this is why don't vaccinate Okay But then 60 minutes But then some busy body No it all stick their beak in Yeah, some nerd, some fucking Daniel Morgan.

Some bookworming. Imagine this was a story he was working on. This is what the Metropolitan Police were covering up. She's not really a spas. They're like, get the axe. A Texas cheerleader is working with the Metropolitan Police. Okay, so there's a story on her where they followed her secretly. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she was walking fine. She was, she was like moonwalking, break dancing. Yeah. She was like B-boys out in the straight man She was Flips and kicks And everything

Yeah Yeah yeah Just in the supermarket Yeah And they go up to her Like excuse me How come you can walk now And you're talking normally

And she's like Oh what do you mean Yeah Yeah she immediately Reverts back to Well sometimes It's better than other times Oh goes right

Yeah Yeah Only on camera though Yes It's only bad on camera And then she like Walk sideways out of shot and people are like

we think discre was bullshiting so yeah so they kind of rumble her then and what happens then did she she kind of stuck to her guns did she yeah she took to her guns which you have to do if you apologize you admit defeat but there was an actual

condition that yeah it was because there is a condition like that not the Australian part the Australian part she completely put that was her own spin on it but the kind of walking weird than the spastic movements.

What's it called? I wrote it down somewhere. I think it's called like Deastonia. Deastonia. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's go with that. It's a muscle shaking disease, but the backwards thing is all made off.

Yeah, yeah. Plus, it's like degenerative. It happens kind of progressively over time. Whereas for her, it's like, the very next day, she's like full fucking, you know, yeah, full spastic. Yeah. Well, that's just, you can't believe

women spastics are, Australians, Brian. That's the world. They're all lies. They don't even exist. No, yeah. They're all just men. Just men in wings doing funny walks.

Who work for the news of the world. They're tapping into Hugh Grant's phone. Have you seen Mrs. Brown? Look at that proof. She's not even a spastic. Well, her head's on the chopping block. Her head, him. No, you're being super woke there.

Am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, Mrs. Brown, she... I don't think the trans-community. recognized Mrs. Brown as an ally. I don't think. I think they probably think she's worse in. What was a wrestler who was pretending to be trans? Gold dust? Gold dust.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You remember gold dust his thing was like, yeah, I'm fucking gay. And I'll suck your dick. Yeah, he tried to like kiss other wrestlers. And people were like, stop him! He's evil! He became like that bad guy overnight. Yeah, yeah. Brown's getting sued. She is. Do you think that's right?

Or think these little bitches should shut the fuck up? Well, it's not the first time that's somebody from the cast has sued Brendan O'Carroll. That's his name, yeah? Yeah, yeah. So, Brandon, they're suing him saying that he's, like, basically hoarding all the profits and not paying them fairly. Yeah, why should it be paid?

Yeah. You're worthless, you know that? They should be lucky to be fed. You're worthless. What, do you write the scripts? Yeah. Do you dress up like a woman? No, wordless.

Yeah. Workless dog. I've never watched, like, a full episode of Mrs. Brown, but, like, I mean, yeah, it's not like they're you know it's not the west wing like it's not like so much of it hinges on their performance and how believable and realistic it is i hope brendon starts every you know every day they're shooting that okay i hope he starts to tell him people like you were scum yeah this show is mrs brown it's not mrs brown and you yeah remember the gay guy we got rid of him got rid of him don't know where he is anymore i can kill a twink in the 21st century i am a god i am all powerful

If he can get away with that He can get away with anything In this day and age He hung the gay lad out to dry Well that gay guy Rory Cowan Yeah Okay, you know his big complaint

What was his His big complaint Okay Yeah All right They put him in a hotel room And it was cold Oh really

That was his big They put me in a premier In disgusting Yeah I was I was next to a Pakistani Family No wait

Is he Dublin is he Oh I'm He's gay He's gay Oh yeah Do you're gay accent James James

Yeah They just got a new gay guy Did they just replace them Or they're like amp guy Yeah But now So this new one that's suing him Like who's who is he

Does he play? I think he's like The only way There's like Damon and the other guy There's like two lads And they who all stress up Like giraffes and stuff

Okay right Yeah again Never watched it My parent might like It seems to be The older generation That really love it Yeah

It's a troll back to Are You Being Served and stuff like that Yeah, yeah, yeah Good times My parents don't even like it My parents, that's too high brow for them You know, my parents are watching over Christmas They were loving it and they're trying to get me to watch it as well And, uh, oh, getting ready for this, okay?

You know, Emmerdale Yeah Well, guess what, imagine if all the cast of Emmerdale Did a comedy quiz together Oh, what? Yeah, you know, my big fat quiz at year Yeah, imagine that, but with the cast of Emmerdale That's mental

I know Jimmy Carr to ruin it With his stupid jokes Yeah yeah None of that Yeah Who's the host then Is it an Emmerdale person Yeah, an Emmerdale man

I think it's the You know the The one who's like Oh, it's getting up in the trouble No I don't watch Emmerdale You're the man from Emmerdale The man from Emmerdale

Yeah So that's what they like And they're trying to get me into it Because apparently there's a girl Inmerdale And her mother's from The town I'm from Oh, okay

Yeah. Interesting. So they feel they have to support their the local talent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, if we don't watch this, they're going to kill her. And wait, now, she's from the town. I assume she's not, she's not still living there, is she? Oh, definitely. God knows. She's off in Hollywood land now.

She's probably up there with the Brad Pitt or a fucking Angelina, is it? She's on Emberdain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the big stars, like Rock Hudson. Do you know the county grand? Is he a good fell, is he? Yeah, yeah. So, anyway, back to Mrs. Brown, okay?

So there's another guy now, one of the fucking tards that work for... Is this another cast member? Yeah, okay, yeah. And again, he's just like, oh, I'm not being paid enough. The show will be not on without me. They're kind of doing the Chappelle thing.

That's why Chappelle walked away from his sketch show. That's like... That guy now he's done drinking drugs. He became a Muslim. lives out in a ranch That's so funny the guy Who plays Demo Mrs Brown went to Africa

They said I was smoking crack So there's the only crack I know Was down the pub Yeah Yeah Yeah So And the parents

There's rumours That more of the cast Are like You know like Hey if he can get more money I should get more money as well I play Winnie Yeah

That's his sister in real life No Winnie Oh is it The old one The real house one. Oh really? I think that's his sister in real life, yeah. It's a real family thing. Yeah. And that's the worst people that work with James.

Remember that? Because you can really abuse them, like, and they're not going to say shit. I could definitely see, like, when you have somebody like, obviously it's so funny, when you were somebody who's like the, the author, so funny to be talking about using that term of his work. But he writes

it, directs it, he's the main star. And he's been doing that for years. Years. He was doing the DVDs, the tours, before the fame came. All of it. He's been doing it all He did it with Angela Houston Angelica Houston

Angelica Houston What was she in it Remember in Mrs Brown film? No They made a Mrs. Brown film I know yeah But I never watched it Okay yeah

But he did that He did books but Mrs. Brown Yeah yeah Yeah, yeah Mrs. Brown is his character He is built He's basically done What Tyler Perry did

With Medea Yeah He built this whole empire With all this shit Surrounding it All in this one character And he has been At the tippy top

Oversaying it all He is, you know, Arthur Conan Doyle create Sherlock Holmes? Yes. Mrs. Brown is his Sherlock Holmes. Okay. His character that he created and he'll die with it. That's too high, bro. I'm going to bring it back to the Tyler Perry. Oh, my lord. What are we going

to do now? Medea is Sherlock Holmes. That's a movie right there. Elementary, motherfucker. Yeah. So, but I imagine, like, so what are we talking? At least a decade this show has been going, right?

Mrs. Brown's, roughly, okay. You're what, you talk for a second, I'm going to look up the history, Mrs. Brown. When he's like, you know, the top of this empire making all this money, all this fame, and he's like the head, creative driving force, obviously there's a lot of like egotistical narcissism that'll set in, you know. He's like, Caesar, you know, he's just like, beware the aides of March, Brendan O'Carroll. They're all going to stab her. Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah. So he's narrow as Rome Burns, you know.

And now the chickens are coming home to Roos. I reckon he has been a real tyrant and a con to work with and he's been abusive No, I doubt that He's ripped people off I think he's an angel And these are all this

fucking blood-sucking parasites Well, it'll be interesting Now I would love to see Like a whole big thing Come out of it like you know So Mrs. Brown first appeared On Irish Radio in 1992

Wow He was She was then in a series of books from 1990s onwards. Okay. Then in 1999 the books were adapted into Agnes Brown with Angelica Houston.

And then more books. Stage plays seven seven straight DVD releases. What? Okay. And then eventually gets picked up of BBC. That's insane. I didn't know it was going that long. Fuck me.

Wow. You only turned down HBO. What? Yeah. HBO Yeah Came to Mrs. Brown Yeah Oh my God Yeah

And he was like Because they wanted The maker of Polish And he was like You fuck them what Get the fuck out of my office right now Oh my God Mrs. Brown

Oh it's been adapted For Canadian TV As Madame Lebrun Okay Like French Canadian I assume so Yeah Better not be Polish

So clebebleu Mrs. Ableau I'm going to look up Madame Lebrun Madame Lebrun Yeah Yeah

Yeah So yeah It's like It's all a little Industry Yeah So it's made a lot of money And now

But see that's the thing Right So they probably look at All the money He's making I mean It's definitely like Why don't I have more

Of a cut of that Yeah I've done just as much work Yeah By playing the priest Who says Ooh Yeah

Yeah Yeah The sexually Ambiguous priest Yeah I'm just Looking up Sorry I'm just looking up

I'm just looking up Canadian Mrs Brown Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are we out here? Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

39 minutes. Great. Jesus Christ. Come on. Look, look. Let's do the Friends thing. No, I'm looked at Mrs. Brown. Yeah, Mrs. Brown, though, an inspiration.

And I hope that next season, it's just Mrs. Brown a new location. By yourself. Mrs. Brown down under, okay? It's a whole new cast. It's all a vaccinated. people. They're all walking spasticly. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. That's perfect. And all the rest of the cast, they died in the fire. Yes. The great fire of betrayal. So anyway, let's talk about something else, okay?

Yeah, go on. I thought it'll be fun. Yes. If we go through, you know, TV show Friends? I'm familiar. Remember when Friends went on Netflix and people like roll all these articles

about like, oh, it's a problematic? It's very problematic. Remember that was like a year ago? Yeah, it was like a couple of years ago. A couple years ago? Yeah. Well, guess I'm talking about it now. Topical

Because I'm on it Well Friends is one of those things That it's kind of People still love it Like you know And it's still Like people put it up there Like with Seinfeld

Which it really shouldn't be But okay Well I'm so cynical This stage I just don't like anything Yeah Yeah You have kind of gone like that

Yeah Like I'll bring up something He's like Oh do you see It's like no shit Yeah Yeah You should be a shame

For liking that What do you get enjoyment Out of now Brian What does it for you Nothing Nothing nothing. You're just

sit in a quiet room. Listen back to this podcast thinking fucking James is such an idiot. I need to get rid

cut off the dead weight. Listening back and just make numerous notes like that's wrong that's wrong. Wrong date. Yeah.

That's the wrong type of black voice. What region from the Midlands is that? Okay. But like I was looking up

problematic stuff and friends. I thought there's way more stuff. there are a few things I mean obviously you give me examples okay I

the first one that comes to mind and this is like season one Monica statutory rapes a child does she yeah that's weird that didn't come up when I looked on

you know what I looked up on the independent though right and they said problematic things and friends I guess the independent doesn't think statutory rapes a problem

well here's the thing he's like she's like 25 26 and he tells her that he's a senior in college but then it turns out he's

a senior in high school so they don't actually say what age he is but I think it's like 17 and she's like oh my like you know she popped his cherry and all and then he's like I got something to tell you I'm in high school and she's like oh my god you know I'm a criminal blah blah blah

and then all the friends are like ah Monica you statutory raped a child you big prick and you used to be fat which is worse that's way worse actually Yeah, you tried to lure them in with candy But then you ate it all yourself You fat bitch

Yeah So You might be skinny now But deep down You'll always be a fat bitch You're a fat child molester And that's all you'll ever be That's why you have to marry Chandler

That's your punishment Could that child be in a younger And now he's going to do With all the drugs You have to live with that Yeah Because of you Okay so that one didn't come up then

No Okay so then I'm guessing the transphobic thing with Chandler's dad, right? That doesn't count. Well, did that come up? I didn't actually, I forgot, that's a woman. Yeah, it's Kathleen Turner.

Yeah, I thought they actually got a trans person. No, no, just Kathleen Turner in a downslope. But you know what? I have to say, fairness to them, they could have done that way meaner. Okay. Because, like, what's the character's name in it?

I don't even remember. Let's say Mrs. Bing. Mrs. Bing. Okay. Well, Mrs. Bing, okay, she gets a few zingers back Yeah, she's pretty quick witness Yeah, because they might be like, yeah, you used to have a

cock, she's like, yeah, well Monica rape someone. Yeah, you're right, Monica, you're fat child rapist, boo! We can team up with the trans woman to make fun of the fat cunt. I remember there was one one joke in it

where they're at the wedding, right, and Chandler's parents are there, and Chandler's so Kathleen Turner goes to Chandler's mom, aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that? And then Chandler's mom goes, don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that? And obviously the crowd are like, whee! I know. Yeah, but like, yeah, I'm just saying that's, I mean, retroactive. That's great though. Oh, look, it's, I got nothing, you know, whatever, it's of its time. I don't really. No, I wouldn't say it now. Yeah. Yeah. It was

acceptable at the time. Yeah, no, I agree. I'm not like, next time I'm at a wedding, I'm not going to just go up to random people like, have you got a little bit? too much penis where's your dick yeah yeah no look I don't give a shit about you Mrs. Bing

I don't care enough about friends to either defend it or denounce it I'm you know benign look I'm not so one of the things

and you tell me what you stumble just to keep on about Mrs. Bing for a second they could have made that way worse where they get like

obviously like a very hairy man or something like that yeah like Robin Williams yeah yeah could have got Robin Williams

to do it a wig yeah yeah and like he's bending over shit on everyone like they could have done like and he's doing his black voice yeah yeah they could have made it way worse

okay his louis body dementia has set in big time that's why he hung himself yeah that is why he did it yeah yeah did you have like a little bit of Alzheimer's as well no that's sort of louis body dementia so yeah oh is that affected yeah it's like a degenerative neurological disease that can only be diagnosed in postmortem so he was literally like having a mental

breakdown he was having hallucinations and paranoid delusions and he couldn't sleep around him and he didn't know what was going on. Nobody knew. People thought he was back on drugs but then he was that you know in the autopsy

post-mortem they discovered the Now what causes that? Was it a flubber was it? Yeah it was flubber Yeah, a bicentennial man There's only so many things you can forget you know. He was doing hard flubber

He was doing flubber He bought up the Gary Glitchin Yeah he bought some fluffer Flubber. He brought Flubber from a fluffer. And boy, did he love her. Yeah. So what caused that actually? Was it the drugs?

I mean, it's the same as like, I mean, yeah, you could argue that his lifestyle alcoholism and drugs or whatever. But it's the same as like dementia or Alzheimer's. This is one of these degenerative neurological diseases that can happen in old age. But it's still very, like it's not very well. I think Hemingway, they found it in Ernest Hemingway after he died. So I think a lot of people, that do have it eventually go mental and kill themselves because, you know, their brain

basically turns on itself and makes you go crazy and then you just have to kill yourself. It's pretty fucking terrifying. Pretty scary. Nah, sounds kind of cool. Sounds like a bit of a laugh. Yeah, like it's why he was such a good improviser.

Yeah. I mean, like, it's bad for the people around you. Yeah. But if you, you know, the problem? If you're trying to fight it, it's bad. It's like, oh, what's going on? But if you just accept it, it's like great. Yeah, it's just a wacky time.

Yeah. It's like I live in a big character. tune. Yeah. It's like every day was a morke and Mindy for him. Nanu, I'm going mental. Yeah.

Okay, because here's the actual things that the independent think are problematic, okay? In friends. So number one. Yeah. Ross not wanting his son playing with dolls. Oh, yeah, yeah. The son,

because Ross has a kid with his ex-wife who then comes out, she's lesbian. Yeah, so he becomes lesbian as well. Yeah. Wait, Ross does. Oh, Rachel, I'm lesbian now, okay? Oh, I listen to neutral milk hotel And I'm tying my hair green So

So, so yeah Ross is scared The son's gonna catch lesbianism Lesbianism, yeah, yeah Which much like Louis's body dementia was a very We didn't know a lot about it in the 90s, Brian That's what Heavyway had Heaven Gway was a lesbian

The old woman in the sea Yeah, we know what the sea stands for Cone Hey oh, Caton's in the house now All right, the beer's kicking in Now we're doing it, there we do There we go Okay, so what do you think about that?

Let's rate it, okay, from one to five I mean, come on, that's very benign Like, yeah, you don't, you... But, you know, here's the thing, like, whatever if your kid plays with a Barbie, like, you probably don't give a shit about that But think about it, the kid will get bulls,

This is the 90s. This is New York in the 90s, right? We were tough. Lay it down. All right, yeah, let me tell. All right, some little Finooks playing with a fucking Bobby Dreamhouse. I'm going to bend him over, turn his asshole into a Bobby Creamhouse. You know what I'm talking about?

I'm going to fuck his little age, because he's a little Fanook. You know what I'm talking about. Play with a G. Joe. Get the fuck out of here. You don't sport the troops? Huh? I'm going to show some gabagool up your asshole.

See how you like that. Exactly. Yeah. that that's what Ross's defense was oh I just don't want them yeah so yeah oh no I it's it's a fucking dumb silly

little sitcom like it's a B plot yeah it's a nothing like the fact that that was number one on their list yeah the most egregious crime fucking you have little the world is literally burning falling apart and they're writing

articles about you know I noticed as well you didn't credit the writer of his article, because it probably knew people like us would track them down. Well, also, people that, like, people love fucking friends. Like, it's one of the most popular sitcoms of all time. I'm not sure why, because it's really not good. But, you know, whatever, it's popular. It's generic.

It's, you know, it's like candy floss for the brain. It's like a comfort food. Yeah, yeah. Warm blanket. I get it. I liked it as a kid, but now. A nice warm bath to sink into. Yes, exactly.

Yeah. Okay, so what I think that's dumb. The next one, okay? Rachel hiring someone because they're attractive. Remember this storyline? Yes, I do. Remember the tag? Tag, the handsome guy.

Yeah, a good character development there. He's good looking. That's all. Yeah, I mean... Why do you that abuse of power? Yeah, well, the fact that she's a woman in a position of power, that's the thing that I hate it. That's what I hated the most. That's what turned my stomach every time I watched it.

That was problematic for me. Yeah, yeah. No, well, like, here's the thing. I think if it was the, like, if it was a man doing that, no, well, they definitely did that in other sitcoms, men, like, hired women for being good looking. Oh, definitely. That was every sitcom.

Like, fucking Joey and Friends is a date rapist. Like, you know what I mean? He's just, like, banging women left, right and center. Oh, you think that's rape, do you? No, no. Oh, look at this guy. No, but, like, okay, there is, uh... Oh, you're trying to impress.

Whatever. See, I don't know enough about friends. I hate when James gets all drunk and starts spouting his lesbian rhetoric. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I don't, to be honest, it's a whatever. You know what it is? It's a badly written storyline. That's what's the more egregious part of it. What happened with that storyline?

Nothing. They broke up. That was it. Wasn't this something where he wrote a joke, she wrote a joke performance review about him? Yes, and it was all. sexy. Yeah, yeah, and then someone saw it and they were like, oh, yeah, what's going on here? And then she was like,

shut the fuck up. Shut your fucking mouth. I'm fucking Jennifer Aniston, I'll do whatever the fuck I want. I'm going to fucking peg this little bitch and fire him next week. They'll be collecting welfare checks while putting an ice pack on his asshole, because I run the show.

It's a revolving door. I get a new young fellow every week and I'll break them. It's a lazy Susan of Cox going into my gob. And I love it. Yeah, it's a carousel of cock. Well, is she working for like Vogue or something with that? Yeah, it was something like fashion magazine or some shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I say power to her. You know, if she's allowed to do it, then so am I. Yeah, so I like, if you want to work at this century, you have to touch it. No. Oh. Yeah. You want to be in the big league.

work in the deli someday yeah then handle this chicken fillet it roll baby yeah

extra taco sauce if you know what I mean I've got a medical problem leaky cock what's the next one next one okay

um Ross not wanting a male nanny yeah yeah it was Freddie Prince Jr was the male dally

do you want Freddie Prince Jr touching your kid of course. Yeah, of course, yeah. He was... What's his story? Did he, like... See, his dad was Freddy Prince, who was like a famous comedian in the 70s. Yeah.

He, like, rose to fame and shot himself and was dead by 22. Did he have lesbianism? Yeah, he had lesbianism dementia. No, he was just, uh, he was just like a mentally ill drug addict, but like, yeah, he shot himself. And then his son starred in Scooby-Doo. Yeah, Scooby-Doo, and I know what you did last summer, and she's all that. a bunch of terrible movies. And he's married to Michelle Geller.

Sir Michelle Geller, yeah, yeah. She's very hot. Very sexy. But then you know what? Much like yourself, he got into wrestling. He, like, started writing for wrestling companies, and I think he even, like, got in the ring a couple of times. Like, obviously not as a wrestler, but as a kind of like corporate heel type, you know.

Oh, okay. Yeah, kind of like a Vince McMahon type. But, yeah, so. Do he shoot himself in the head in the ring? No, he didn't, no. That would have been great. That would have been good. like the commenter's like, my God.

God, his brains are all over the ring. I want to see his wife's titties, J.R. King, it's just neither the time nor the place. Yeah, so he wants to be a nanny. Yeah, so, and Ross is uncomfortable. Yeah, Ross is very, like,

homophobic here, isn't he? Ross comes up a lot in this list. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I just want a bloody Nancy boy touching my kid. So, yeah, he's a nanny who plays with dolls and he's going to touch his kid. But here's the thing. Now, I'm not going to defend homophobia. But

ponder this for a moment, Brian, if you will. Okay. His wife, Susan, that he was very much in love with, broke up with him and came out his gaze. So maybe that would kind of, that would stick in your crawl a little bit, wouldn't it? You'd be like, ah. But the nanny straight. What's irrelevant? Just anything that's not heterocentric, you know? I mean, Ross Skeller is a hardworking. He's a big street-fighting paleontologist man. Yeah, Ross was like to Joe Rogan today. Oh, you smoke DMT, guys?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Ross is an alpha. That's what we all aspire to be. That's why I have a picture of Ross up in my office. Just with his shirt off. Just rooned with jizz. Yeah, yeah. I have a picture of David Schwimmer from Band of Brothers.

Oh, yeah. Here we salute the rank, not the man. salute the wank baby anyway yeah so whatever it's dumb would you let's say you have a kid yeah would you hire a male nanny yeah anybody

I just give him to somebody he's like here this is yours now yeah no references don't need it I don't care how badly you smell yeah but then you know he kind of he comes full circle

and then Freddie Prince Jr makes him realize the reason he harbors these things is because Ross's dad Elliot Gould was very tough on him growing up and then he unlocked some emotional baggage and then... Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I don't remember that. Yeah, well, you weren't paying attention, Brian. No. See, you were just saying it for the laughs, for the yucks. Yeah. I was there to learn. You were making notes the whole time.

This will help in my therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know what, that's actually dumb to put that in because they kind of, they resolve that. They find out why he has the... issue with it and then he comes to terms and accepts it or whatever so ha ha fuck you independent you just

got caddened okay what about this one just see if you can cadden this one yeah yeah yeah lack of black people yeah yeah oh yeah that's um oh that's bad yay now come on there's only like two Ross banged that black chick Ross to the rescue

Ross is the hero yeah Ross redeemed himself oh I banged a black chick So yeah, you know that girl's actually She's Lana and Archer That's right, yeah, yeah Very hot Yeah, but there's only like two black people

In the whole show He was the other person of color Oh, I wouldn't even I wouldn't even notice I made sure not to download those episodes I thought they were all black Yeah, yeah yeah You're right though

It is a very white show But even like, you know what Because I used things like Ah, you know, at the time You look at other shows And they're full of them get fucking get away from them yeah yeah yeah it was almost like they must have

I feel like there was definitely someone who was like you know we've got our thing yeah and they're probably thinking like this was the tinkin back of time and there's an excuse you know they were like you know what we're big in like Ireland yeah exactly you don't want to scare them yeah yeah we're big with the UK it's true they were huge in Europe as they were

like for example friends and Seinfeld were equally as big in America Seinfeld definitely nowhere near as popular over here. No, no, nowhere near as popular. People don't even know what you're talking about. Yeah, exactly, yeah, like, people haven't even watched it. You talk about, you know, tell you what, you get on stage, you mention friends.

Oh. In Ireland, people are like, yay. Yeah, you mentioned Seinfeld, they throw rocks with you. They don't, yeah, they call me George Constanza. Yeah. Well, I thought you never seen the show. How did you make that up? We watched, we watched enough to make that up, then we stopped.

Just the beat up nerds like you. Before we caught Jewish off it. But you know what? What's good about it is because they've never heard of Seinfeld I can do my Kramer routine. Yeah. Shut up!

Fifty years ago, you'd be upset that with a fork up your ass. Yeah, so anyway, back to this. Okay, so lack of black people. Yeah, look, I can't defend it. It is a very white show. I think there was a Chinese woman on the show.

Yeah, yeah. Again, and she was kind of like she was going out of Ross when Rachel was in love with Ross. So it was kind of like, oh, we hate her. a bitch. Yeah. What an evil woman.

Very sneaky. We all remember Pearl Harbor. Okay, what would this one? Okay. Ross dating his student. Yeah. See, that one in the Me Too, post Me Too era. Yeah.

And he was like in his 30s and she was 19? No, I think she was younger. I think she was like 12. He was a college professor. Dating a middle school girl. She was like, dude, yeah. Hauser. She was super smart, but not smart enough.

That's smart enough. And then her dad was Bruce Willis. No, was it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah. And then Rachel started banging Bruce Willis. That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. God. Great times. Great times had by all. Yeah. And it was, so yeah, he's... Yeah. And then remember the...

He's her professor. The heads of the university. Like, you can't do, Dan. He's like, oh, show you. He starts banging her right there. Right there. Yeah, yeah. And Gunther's like, oh, can I get you anything? Oh, give me a cockachino, Gunther. I'm about to bust the nut. It's going to be a dry roast in her asshole.

Yeah, that doesn't even make any kind of sense whatsoever. The nanny walk, he's like, get him out. People are ruin it. I can't get hard if I see him. Yeah, so, yeah, that's a, I mean, but again, like, the whole thing is it's for comedic effect. And they, from the very beginning and all throughout, are pointing out the fact that she's a lot younger than you. You're her professor.

You shouldn't do this. Blah, blah, blah. And then he does break it off with her. Again, it's for comedy purposes. You know, what are you? Like, why the fuck is friends, the moral compass of society? It's a fucking stupid, poorly written sitcom from the 90s. Who gives a fuck?

Because it's getting more popular now than ever was, James. And it's influencing our culture. What fucking Gen Z? 15 year old is looking at fucking mackle of blank and thinking, oh yeah, that's what I want to be. That's their affecting the culture. Are they? Yeah, definitely.

Oh yeah, because those of kids because I'd be hanging out with lots of young children. Of course, yeah. Yeah. You're like Ross. Yeah, yeah. I'm a professor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you like dinosaurs? Yeah. I don't know paleontology, but I got

a bone you could dig up. Hey, yo. But they're all like, have you watched friends? Really, yeah. When I lived America with that guy he was watching friends the first time and he was like 20 something wow he also he slept in the bunk bed

above me and I could hear it shaking sometimes I could feel it oh yeah and sometimes I started wanking as well and we were in sync it's like a metronome yeah oh yeah actually I had a gay dream a couple nights ago

yeah and was I featured in this stream No, Fuck you then I'll try harder I think you better than me Yeah No, it was weird

Because it was like I don't know what does this Okay James You're my therapist now Okay So I'm This guy brings me to his house Okay

And his whole family are there Yes And it's like a really nice house And I'm like Oh class Yeah yeah yeah He's got like a pool And a tennis court

And I know Some hoops And stuff like that I'm like this is gonna be great He's got like Doon buggies and shit It's like Holy fuck

And then he just makes out With me In front of his whole family. What? Yeah. Get out of this office right now. I don't cater to your kind in here.

You know what that means. It means you're sick. If you, well, it's very common. If you dream about sucking cock, it means you're very stressed. And okay, so what? Oh, yeah, nanny. So, like, he kissed

me in front of the whole family, okay? And I'm like, oh, what? I didn't, and the whole family are like, yay, good work. You came out of closet. James, not you. To the other guy Let's say his name's Gary Okay

I can't remember his name But they're all like Oh good work Gary He came out of the closet So who was it then? You don't? I don't know Oh okay

They're like Oh good work Gary He came out of the closet He's like Thank you thank you And I'm like Well I didn't agree to this And it's like no

We did in front of the family now You don't let them down do you And I'm like Okay And you're a people pleaser And then I think in the dream He came into my room And I was like

I was like I can't do this So you gotta keep You got to keep up appearances. Oh, wow. Now I woke up. Yeah. And I was all sweaty.

I'd imagine. So, didn't even get a go on the dune buggy. Yeah, yeah. I was like, Jesus Christ. It says... No, watch a bit Mrs. Brown to calm myself down. Yeah, yeah. Well, that tells me that if you want the life of luxury, Brian, you're going to have to...

Bite the bullet. Or you're going to have to earn it the hard way. Yes, sir. And as your therapist, I advise you to do that because you have no discernible skills, no talent, you're not a likable person, fairly average looks. It's minuscule penis from what I can tell, so whore yourself out to the richest, fat, as ugly

as cunt you can find, and you know, live off the fat of the land. Thank you, Doctor. You're welcome. Now, it's all changed. To salad and scramble, eh? Should you be drinking, Dr. Catton? Ah, shut up. Fucking hoa.

Okay, so what else has friends done? Okay, another one, another Ross one, It's nearly all Ross. It's all Ross. Poor old Ross has been scapegoated, and I think we know why. Yeah, poor, like, Ross is just, you know, he's a confused man. Okay, he was young. He's got all these whores and queer nannies, and he's just trying to navigate life.

Yeah, everyone's confusing them. Yeah, yeah. They say, like, oh, we're on a break, and they're not on a break? Yeah, yeah. What's he supposed to do? So, Ross stalking, uh, Rachel. When? Oh, I don't.

probably all the time. When did he stalker? I think she was dating someone and he was like following her and... No, I don't think so. Yeah, that doesn't happen. I mean, it was kind of like, yeah, he always kind of fancied her

but like he didn't stalk her. They were friends and they hung out. That's what the independence is. Well, I questioned the independent. Yes. What about when Joey got a purse? And everyone was like, lose the purse. Yeah.

Yeah. What about that? Ah, I don't know. bad what do you want from me yeah uh yeah no look it was but like it was a man bag that was the whole thing but yeah and then like he didn't get the audition because he came across as slightly effeminate it's like yeah yeah that's realistic yeah yeah yeah hollywood or like you know the actors union locked down on gay people yeah no gays in the acting profession yeah very realistic yeah excuse me we want men here not fithy.

We want alphs. Alphs like Ross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm going to fuck this 19 year old. Yeah, I'm going to jizz on your man bag, Joey. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Is that it? It's all of them. That's all of them, yeah. Oh, so I notice how Monica can statutory rape a boy, that's fine. Or Phoebe can have her half-brothers weird bastard children. Oh, yeah, that's fine. But, you know, well, no, in fairness, now, they did say the thing Rachel did so okay fine

but it was all Ross Chandler got away Scott Frey yeah Chander done nothing wrong he done nothing he did all the bad stuff in real life because he's half trans from his mother That's how it works Yeah yeah that's how it passes on yeah

Right right right right It's like it follows You ever see that film I didn't like that film I didn't like that film I thought it's a little pretentious It's like again it's a metaphor for HHS IV, I get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little on the nose. Yeah. Right. Yeah, not good. Tell you what I watch. I'll finish up on this. I watched a great film, actually.

Okay. This is a legitimate recommendation. Okay. Yeah. Notes on a scandal. Notes on a scandal? Yeah. What's that now?

It got my cock hard. Oh, right. Yeah. So, fuck. Mm-mm. Okay. It's, listen this, okay? Yeah.

It's what's her name and the other one. Ah, nice one. It's a Kate Blanche. And what's the name of the woman in James Bond, who's old? Judy Dench? Judy Dench. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's Judy Dench and Kate Blancher are both teachers, okay?

Right. But then Cape Blanchet, speaking of statutory rape, starts banging a 15-year-old. Oh, yeah. And Judy Dench finds out, and she's like, hmm. Wait, what do they do again? Sorry. Teachers. Teachers.

Yeah. So Judy Dench finds out, she's like, hmm, I guess I have you under my control now. will I go tell the principal Perhaps not Perhaps maybe you can invite me To all your dinner parties from now on Oh she's just a nerd who wants a friend Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Or maybe a little bit more Oh Yeah as the thing goes on She's like Maybe you could Wear something a little Yeah a little bit more Maybe show them a little

Yeah yeah And now does she just Did Kate Blancher just buying the 15 year old On her once off No, it's a relationship. What a legend. Yeah. The 50 year old is great, and he's a little Irish kid, okay?

Yeah? And he's like, ah, yeah, miss, my dad beats me, so he does. But I like to draw pictures. She's like, oh, how conflicted and artistic he is. Oh, my God. And his pictures are shit. Is he good looking? I don't know.

Dick Blanchett's pretty hot, like. They dress her down in this to make it more realistic. I liked it when she was Veronica Geeran, and we saw John, what's his name Billing, John Gilligan, John Gilligan, beat the shit out of her. Cunt! Cunt! He just keeps shouting

a cunt as he beats the shit out of her. It's the funniest thing ever. It'd be funny, in the 15-year-old's like banging going, cunt, I miss you're a cunt, but I draw pictures as well. Cunt! Okay, so guess what, okay? So he's banging, it becomes a relationship.

She's like, I know it's silly, but he just, there's something about him I just really like. And eventually, She's like, I got to end it, so she goes to the house and ends up meeting the dad. Turns out dad's lovely. Oh, so he was making it off? He's making up, yeah.

Ah, he doesn't really beat me, but, you know, you need to get your attention. I got to ride you, so it's a win-win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great film. Okay. It's a great, I won't say what happens, but it's kind of like, um, um, Judy Dench is just a, basically just a weird lesbian. And is this kind of manipulating her and controlling her and stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then if we find out the film goes on, like Judy Dench has a history of like her trying to um being weird with like other women and like multiple staff members have like left to school because of her cause of her yeah because she's like she's basically like Lady Weinstein right right yeah yeah but she's got tenure is she like the principal she's like she'd been there so long yeah like she think she's the principal right right right yeah and um because it's like an old lady basically trying to harass younger women the other women are like

I'm not really going to report this because it's so weird yeah and it's kind of embarrassing or whatever yeah what I'm going to say like oh Judy Dench fucking touch my tits who's going to believe she's like they're not going to believe you I'm just a frail old lady give it a bit of that just turn around and hit her a slap

oh no she's like that's an elder abuse oh okay so she's fine with raping children but she doesn't want to harm the elder no she's not raping children well technically statutory rape she's allowing it to happen what do you mean

Kate Blanchett's the one Yeah that's what I mean She's allowing Kate Blancher to do it Yeah yeah yeah So she can like you know It's a great film Okay It's written by Patrick Maybar

Well actually it's based in the book But Patrick Maybar adapted And he co-created Alan Patridge Oh right okay You're just finishing off Last your beers Yeah yeah As I talk about notes

This is how the podcast should be You drunk and quiet Well I'm hardly drunk I've had one beer You had more In the bathroom I saw you're hiding it all over the place In the what's the cistern

There's a big boathed You know I did that one time In a pub I brought like a bag of cans Into the pub And stashed them In the cistern of the toilet Yeah it was like legendary

Yeah But then people were like Why is the toilet not working I'm like oh who knows Yeah Yeah pretty funny Yeah that's great Heighting cans over the place

back when I was rock and roll by me. Shove them a big can up your hearse. Yeah, yeah. Deliver, catch me. That's how cheap. Like, I had no money. I was on the dole during the recession.

I was broke. So, like, I had to, you know, I probably said this before, but, like, my friend won't subscribe to the Patreon because apparently, like, over 10, maybe 15 years ago, he lent me 20 quid.

And when he asked her it back, I turned around and said, oh, what, do you expect me just to not drink tonight and refuse to give a, Back to him. I don't remember this at all, but he is like, he has harbored it. He's brought it up a few times. So until I pay him the 20 quids and possibly the interest on top of that, he refuses to subscribe to the Patreon. You were a real man back then. I was. I was pretty cute. You were like a Ross. Yeah, I was Ross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except instead of paleontology, I was, you know, inhaling solvents. And you were just seeing dinosaurs.

Sparkly dinosaurs dancing in mob wine Yeah Okay, I think we're going to wrap up now This is a fun one This was a kind of, we can probably cut a bit out of it Yeah, but it was wild Yeah, we went all over the place, we had fun This is a good episode

And you know what, we need this After a crazy Christmas Yes We're going to be back on a regular schedule Hopefully, yeah, yeah Before the gulags start coming into effect We get shot for going out into the We go to the Q zones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, I think that's it then. We'll leave it there. Yeah, I hope you enjoyed it. Yeah, I hope your 20-21's going okay and... No, you don't. Nah, I don't really like... You don't hope anything.

If mine's shit, then yours has to be shit too.