Brian and James Fuck Each Other - Mini Bonus Podcast cause my Laptop F**ked up.

Episode Date: March 14, 2020

It was going well and then Brian tried to pause the episode and Audacity went weird. Thought it was lost but then Brian prayed to his Islamic Jesus and found it. Enjoy.

We're freaks. Let's not got down that rabbit I hate myself. Yeah, I know. We're freaks. Why can't it be normal? Well, we tried. We tried.

This is actually our attempt to be normal. It was like, let's start a podcast and it'll be, you know, but no. We can talk about fun things. What do we end up doing? A full episode about 12 years of slave. We talked about racism for at a full hour, over an hour. We got still excited. Yeah.

Too excited. Yeah. Why can't be normal? Three hours, but we had to edit it down. Yeah, heavily at it See again Like we just made a joke there about us being racist We're not

But we're not actually racist We're just freaks Like we don't know how to like Just have an honest discussion Yeah But still make it funny Like yeah Like we can't talk

I guarantee you We can't talk for five minutes So rape Pitos Racism Yeah Yeah It's true

We are We're just We're kind of Doctor Who We're kind of One Trick ponies You know But our

I actually, I'm putting it out there. I've taught about doing it a Doctor Who episode. Yeah. But I realized it would just be me talking about it and you, like... I've never watched an episode of Doctor Who. It would just be me talking, you self-harming. So if anyone out there wants to hear my Doctor Who episode, I might just do it on my own. Oh.

Yeah. Oh, I see. All right. Well, if you want... No, no, no, I get it. I get it. No. This is how it works, huh?

Yeah, yeah. How about we both do... I'm Adam Carolla and your Jimmy Kimo. Is that the way it's going to work? What it's sad You're making documentaries For free speech I should be allowed

I'm saying whatever the fuck I want Yeah I know I say Corolla's fun to hang out with Yeah We might just screw with him politically But I'd say he's fun I think he's a bit of a

You know He says stuff like Yeah Women are funny I think you know Yeah It's deep down he knows It's like he's kind of

He's kind of getting The shock jock mentality Like you gotta say something You know Just be yeah Yeah But would it be fun If we did solo podcasts

Okay So I probably talk with Dr. Hugh because Doctor Who is like the thing when I was a kid I really latched on to and I was like this is my thing and it's funny like I'll talk about getting sucked off

by an old man in a car no problem you know no shame at all Doctor Who I'm like oh I don't want anybody to think I'm a weirdo yeah yeah

oh if I say this so how will my family look at me it's funny because when you're a kid and you're a bit of a nerdy loser a lot of times you'll latch on something and you're like oh this is my universe now because you can make that make sense

and it's like I can learn I don't know about reality and social interactions but so some kids like are like oh I love science and they'll like learn all about science and they'll kind of comfort them just you know

after a long day of school of being bullied you can disappear into a world of science everything makes sense you know or like history I'm just going to learn about the the fair stuff like that because it was like oh it was at a different time and it's so different in reality I can like escape sure and kids who did that grew up and they got jobs out of it you know

so now you're trying to figure out a way to profit off your Doctor Who knowledge and I'm just like I know so much about Doctor Who I read all I read the books so listen to the CDs you actually probably could start a Doctor Who podcast and get an audience I'm way bigger than this yeah way bigger than this one would not be hard yeah but not be hard but I would feel ashamed deep down Plus, I stopped watching it. Okay. It's still going. It's still going, yeah.

They've got a woman doctor now. That's when you stopped watching. No, I see, that's the nine thing. It's like, I stopped because the writer. Also, because I'm like, I was growing up. It's like, I can't keep watching. That's the thing I understand is you're supposed to like watch something for a little while and then grow out of it. Yeah.

That's the hell thing to do. These people are like, no, I like Star Wars in the 70s and I still like Star Wars. Yeah, well. And if I don't feel the same way about Star Wars than I did in the 70s and I was a kid, that's Disney's fucking fault. There is big. money and nostalgia now and sort of never growing up and staying in that state of a rest of development where

because we're old there's like 40 year old men who are like obsessed to Star Wars and Harry Potter now it's like this is really for kids you know comic book nerds as well or in their fucking Kevin Smith fucking he's like pushing 60 and he still acts like he's 19

but what I was saying was like with Doctor Who it's like yeah I don't like because they're writing but I'm sure like some little kid watching it's like this is pretty cool and it's like well I'm 25 now

I'm supposed to like shut up kid you don't get it you don't understand you don't you never even you'll even know who William Hartnell is you fucking piece of shit

Sidney Newman you fucking whore so I'm saying like I could do a whole episode about Doctor Who what would you do on if you're doing this if I was like James

you got to talk about one subject for 60 minutes what would it be for 60 minutes Jesus I don't know And something narrow it down about Don't you just be like I'll talk about life

No no okay Well I suppose going back to That Okay well like Comedy is kind of too obvious So like that you forget about that Maybe growing up like I was really big into music I was like in a punk band and stuff

I would maybe talk about like Punk bands and like how they came Like emerged from like the garage rock Of the 60s and then the 70s evolved into sort of punk rock like six pistols the clash all that kind of stuff and then there was also the new york scene with like the romans and the new york dolls higgy pop i was like really obsessed with i would like i full on read books about it and stuff when i was like 15 yeah it was because that was my escapism because like growing up being bullied in school people were like oh fuck you you're

a little bitch and i would take it all the time you're like yes sir you're right may i have another thank you please you know i was like yeah i'm a little worthless bitch i deserve to be bully. But then I got like really into punk rock music, which is like kind of, uh, the whole ethos is like, you know, don't take shit, fight back, blah, blah, blah. So it kind of gave me courage to stand up for myself and self-harm in public. No, I didn't do that. Do you know what I mean? I know that's kind of sad now, but I was 15 and it, uh, it really helped me back then, you know? It was an escape, you know? It's interesting our choices of escapeism. So your stuff was still kind of based in reality. Whereas like, yeah, it's rock bands, but like they're doing like stuff that you

can do and it's cool. Yeah. Yeah, where my stuff is like, maybe if we get a time machine. Then all my problems will be solved. Yeah, maybe I can fly around the different planets and fight aliens. And what's funny well about Doctor Who is like, again, what your stuff is like people drinking bottles and like,

fuck you and fucking women and stuff. Well, yeah. Yeah. And Doctor Who, he doesn't even do that. He's just kind of like a smart guy. He doesn't fight around his dad. He just kind of like. He just sort of was like kind of.

dry sarcastic wit and like yeah there's a big scarf and just goes like oh it's the Daleks I'll outwit them with my knowledge and I'm like

yeah I could do that as well I could out wit them I could wear it scarf and then you just go around like abusing post boxes because they kind of look like Daleks you know yeah yeah

you like paint for the lies on them oh look who it is my own nemesis the Dalek and then the postman comes along yeah it's you get out of here yeah I warned you about this

he waxed me like I'm regenerating yeah but yeah so yeah yeah yeah like i couldn't i could do an episode i couldn't get a full podcast out of it well i don't know maybe you could i i yeah i think it shows in the way like we've grown up now how if i got into punk when i was a kid i'd be a very different person right now yeah yeah yeah i'd uh sit differently

i'd sit with the chair backwards i'd lean on the back yeah yeah yeah yeah and i've just been smashing bottles and you'd be like Brian please start that. Yeah, anarchy in the UK Yeah, where you're like that you know that old interview

on the BBC where I'd be like It's a load of bollocks And you're like, what did you say a young man You're like He's trying to get an interview With Bill Grundy on ITB Yeah, it's allowed to be shit It's like please leave Bill alone

He's got dementia Well I'm pretty sure he's dead now But uh, you got fired from that Yeah wasn't it like Who said it's low of the shit? No, it's like... Was it Sid Vicious? No, it was Johnny Rotten said,

yeah, called something... No, yeah, it's like, Bill Grundy asked, what if somebody really likes Mozart? And Johnny Rotten under his bed said, well, that's just their tough shit. And then Bill was like, what did you say there, young man?

It's like, oh, saying shit, in it? Yeah. And apparently that caused outrage and, like, people, like, you know, through their television, at their wife and disgust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. but yeah it was a real big like watershed moment are these levels okay yeah they're a little low but like we listen back and boost it if we need to is that possible yeah of course yeah well don't boost it in the middle of the episode so that then it'll be weird yeah that's true then we'll have audio problems oh god no yeah that's one thing we pride ourselves on this show I'm just looking at levels I'd hate it if the listeners couldn't hear this gold right now no we'll listen back to it and if it's a bit low we'll boost it yeah yeah

yeah that's good it's good so um yeah talking with childhood there uh how's your week being james with the coronavirus well i tell you there a lot of people are getting a lot more kind of nervous about it you know like um like in work there's like there's a couple of guys in work who'd been to northern italy they've been told not to come in kind of quarantine themselves there's like hand sanitizer in every room now but now they're even talking about like people that can work from home to do like the office people they work from home but we can't do that we're We have to go in and still monitor their channels. But what was interesting is the game's got cancelled.

Yeah, a lot of the game, like a lot of the events, like Syria, which is Italian football and like NBA. And I were like, so basically all. Jesus, NBA is cancelled. That's such big money. Like, but here's the thing, like, how long's it going to be cancelled for? Maybe Kobe knew this. That's why he crashed the helicopter himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was like, he had a vision of like, Tom Hanks is going to get Corona. Yeah, Tom Hanks is coronavirus. that's that's serious now that's a big deal that's like a sequel to philadelphia they fired because they had coronavirus yeah and they're like get away from it yeah don't shake his hand someone was telling me that like um so it was drinking there over a dirty old mug yeah i've no respect for listeners someone's telling me that it's actually like it's not just COVID-19 there's actually two viruses and it's kind of like a HIV AIDS situation how so you know the way one of them like oh okay so there's HIV and then there's AIDS

yeah and like one reduces your immunity and the other one actually kills you okay right right it's like COVID-19 and it's like I know JPEG 7 or something like that and like they're two like separate diseases which is worse then no it's like if you get both of them you're fucked like yeah right right right I get you

oh okay but if Tom Hanks dies then we've got a problem like that's it yeah if Tom Hanks dies it will be like the world will take notice if Tom Hanks dies years from now during the history but like 9-11

Trump getting elected and Tom Hanks dying and then everything else just be a footnote Yeah Yeah yeah Even the Iraq war It's like yeah whatever

Yeah whatever For you know Tony Blair It doesn't matter It'll all be It'll all be Do you say Levinson No yeah

What was the Levinson Was the phone hacking Yeah Yeah it's funny What was the Tony Blair There's something inquiry But his like He had to appear in front of that

Like in You know it was like the war crime yeah is it mandos the lord lord pedophile okay yeah something like that there's a something inquiry lord sable yeah okay yeah yeah yeah jimmy savel was jimmy savel caused the iraq war i knew it i knew it yeah jim will fix it i don't think so jim will bring democracy to the middle east oh oh dickmocracy yeah yeah so um yeah the corona is getting worse now it's um

schools have been shut down worried about coronavirus think it's going to get worse there's a real attitude with young people or it's like yo I'm fucking young I don't care

yeah it's more like the elderly that are going to feel it a lot of young people I know are like you'm not going to let the Chinese ruin my day if you want to get real hacky

now there's lots of people online and stuff like yo get some cans and start drinking boys Corona's in town and I don't give a fuck it's not going to affect me I'm going to go cough

with some old people I don't give a shit I'm not going to wash my hands And I agree with Yeah I agree well hardly with that statement Yeah Yeah I don't know

It's weird because I have the media coverage of it Is definitely kind of hyphen up the hysteria But maybe it's necessary Like because maybe it can't get a lot worse I saw one newspaper The front of a newspaper And they definitely photoshop

Simon Harris to make him look sick They made him look all stressy and worried You know what's so funny Put a thermometer in his mouth Yeah And the black eye he met Amber Hurd You know what's so funny

So they had a big press conference today Today is the 12th by the way in case You want to date this okay Yeah yeah if you're listening to this in the future Yeah you're trying to like Oh what's the Oh what's the chronology of all this I'm trying to get the continuity straight

So they had a press conference live On the radio not on the radio It's been broadcasting radio Of them going like we're shutting down the schools We're shutting down all football events any gathering over 100 Stay home Lock the doors

Shoot any foreigners You see This is serious If your kid coughs Just drown them You know If you got a hot daughter Don't look at her tits

You'll get corona It's a trap So like they're They're broadcasting is live On news talk And it's getting to around 12 o'clock And then they just cut off the broadcast And Pat Kenny was like

Well that's the end of my show now we're going to have Kira Kelly on next when she'd be continuing to broadcast but that's the end of the show goodbye and then Kira Kelly

the next presenter comes on but it sounded like Pacane's like yeah I'm getting out here I've got a chopper waiting for me on the roof good luck with everything

plebs those of you that make it I'll see you in the future like the last chopper out Saigon he's like leaving the news talk buildings people are trying to grab onto his point

it's like get away they're like holding up their babies please me stop gaming we stop kidding please get away from me your bloody swine actually speaking of

uh um speaking of pat kenny you know the way you get like spam ads that you know are fake and they're targeted towards you yeah like the whole like you know

make your dick bigger stuff like that so I keep getting this ad when I go on to website sometimes and you know sometimes be like oh this celebrity's amazing weight loss technique

something like that I see an ad that a lot of times going like Pat Kenny's secret or like you won't believe what happened

to Pat Kenny like for some reason like the guy's trying to scam me think that you're going to use Pat Kenny to like

yeah yeah they're like what I gotta find out what this is and they sometimes

they actually scared me once stage or like Pat Kenny health shocker oh I was like oh my gosh

is Pat Kenny okay and you Google it and he's like he's okay ah you you fell for it you drank the cool

no I didn't click on the link oh okay yeah well they didn't get you then no I didn't get me But I was close. So if you use Pat Kenny now, you're going to trick me, you know?

It's like, you know the way to like, get in my car, I got, I got candy. Get in the back of my van, I got candy. So for you, you know, Viles, which is when you were growing up, they'd hold up a picture of Pat Kennedy. Hey, Brian, come hop in the van here. I do love the late late show. He's a great audition to the team. I think he was a wonderful successor to Gay Bird. And yes, I will get in your van.

Oh, please. I have memories, actually, because the other way it's like, um, Who was your, do you, who was your late, late show host? Well, you mean, well, I suppose I remember Gabe Byrne and then, you remember Pat Kenney taken over. See, I only remember, um, I remember Pat Kenny. So in my head, when I see, um, this subconsciously, when I see Ryan Tupperty, I'm like, this is wrong.

I always think that. Yeah. Yeah, but, like, I remember being a little kid playing my Legos and, like, I'd see, like, the late late show will be on and be like, Pat Kenny, like, somebody I'll be on. I'll be able to talk about my Legos. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You had big dreams back then. I'm going to be a really good person with Legos and then like... A Lego architect. And obviously a genius, Pat Kenney would say you're a very clever boy because no one says that at home. You're a very clever boy, Brian, and we love you. You've made our lives better. I'm proud of you, son. Thank you, Pat Kenny.

You're not a mistake, Brian, and your Legos are lovely. Yeah. But you didn't get that. Not yet. Not yet. There's still time. What's going to happen now is like, someday Pat Kenny, like, he's just going to be walking to a taxi. going to show up like Pat

my Legos my Legos I started showing Lego Lego into his mouth my Legos Oh I get away from me unless you have bionicles Yeah

So how do we get around to this Actually speaking The Late Late Late Show as well This made me really angry So Barry Kogan Yeah Was on the late late age show Yes

On Friday Did you hear about this No So he was on the late late age show And Tuberty interviewed him Okay I think this is the same episode where Tauberti had a guest on who showed him how to wash your hands. Oh, I remember you tell me about that.

Yeah. They had a demonstration sink and everything. And he was like, put your hands in the water and use a sponge to get rid of all the bacteria. And Ryan Tauberty's like, wow. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. I thought about that segment and it's like, God, that's so dumb.

But you know why they did that? Because the coronavirus, it's the older people that are, that it threatens the most, which is literally the entire lately it shows demographic. so if they all die off his ratings will tank so that's why he needed it's like we need to save the viewers any way we can he's like the opposite of the HSC he wants to save the old people

where they're looking look our hospitals are overcrowded we need to free up a bit of space maybe only wash your hands every couple hours the HACC of a new program now where they hire little babies to hug old people and cough on them

yeah if that doesn't work they just give them the old pillow over the face coronavirus yeah yeah it was coronavirus wink wink like Hillary like the Clinton body

yeah yeah yeah got coronavirus yeah was it Seth Rice Rice was that his name the guy got killed

Seth Rich yeah yeah he got coronavirus but no one knew what that meant at the time actually you mind if we just pause this

for one second I want to test to see the levels okay you can hit pause this pause this pause yeah