Brian and James Fuck Each Other - The Oil Rig Podcast

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

Jackson and O'Malley record the first episode of there new podcast about life on an Oil Rig. It's fun and educational.

oh have we got working yeah oh good good i hope the quality's good it's kind of hard to get the quality right when you're out here in the oil rig yeah yeah well we're on an oil rig apparently yeah well this is that's the whole point of the podcast we we've been working now in the oil rig hi listeners if there is any listeners uh my name uh my name and i'm omali Jackson and omali yeah perfect yeah we don't know each other's first names because that's not how we do it here in the oil rig it's last name only yeah last name only because we're men it's kind of prison we don't really like eye contact eaters first time we look at each other we just keep her heads down and work hard yeah yeah but i thought look you can work hard why not play hard so i thought we start a podcast well it gets pretty lonely out here on the oil rig you know it's just us guys what uh what brought you out here anyway what's uh what's your tail jackson as you end up here well i was born in minnesota oh yeah sody uh yes that's how i sounded like when i was born and i lost the accent because i moved to carlo oh yeah yeah really i moved to caro for two years yeah and uh then i moved to south africa i had a south african accent

and i then i moved to jamaica oh jamaican accent okay then i moved to india jamaican accent yeah yeah yeah i was like i thought they were the same yeah yeah yeah um immediately right yeah i didn't really um integrate with indian culture too much i was too busy smoking weed uh mon see it slipped that it slipped out there It did, yeah And then I was Yeah, field Yeah

So then I went I tried to get a job In London But I had you make an accent That was kind of hurting Because I was trying to Be an announcer for BBC radio Okay

Yeah But a boy now BBC My main man Jimmy Sable No That's racist No that's

That's how I sounded like But they all thought It was taking the piss And I wasn't And I was like You were dead serious It was disability like it had a proper thing in my car

with a warning sign like warning this driver sounds Jamaican you know items might passengers may appear maybe more Jamaican than they appear yeah that's what I said yeah yeah

if this guy's Jamaican you're too close so I was like Jesus this is awful now so I went back to Carlo to get my Carlo accent back and it took me like three years of proper training I went to an annunciation teacher

elocution lessons Yeah, yeah, all that stuff. And then I went Carlo again. But by that stage, I'd burned all my bridges in London. Okay. And I was like, what am I going to do here? And then my uncle, my uncle, who's also called Jackson, I'm named after my uncle, yeah.

My last name is Star Child. Jackson's Star Child? Yeah, yeah. So my uncle Star Child, as I called. Didn't we say, though, that I thought Jackson was your last name because we said no first names. So you actually fooled me. Yeah, yeah. You led me to believe that Jackson was your last name,

but in fact it's your first name. See again Now I look like a fool No see when I signed on the oil rig They asked me my last name It was Star Child I thought I was joking Yeah

And I said I'm not joking man With a boy now With your main man Star Child Yeah Working on the oil rig With the bumma clats And there was no space

In my name tag For Star Child So this went with Jackson I didn't tell you until now Yeah It's there enough to same amount of letters Is it, though? Not really. No, no, there's like a few extra.

Plus, they spell Star Child differently in Carlo. There's like nine hours. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And an exclamation mark at the end. It's actually in the name. It's on your birth certificate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So anyway, long story short. So you went into Martin Star Child from Carlo then. You must know him. My uncle. Is that right, yeah? Your other uncle. Yeah, yeah, I've got a couple uncles, yeah. So there's Jackson not named after it.

And then Martin Star Child. Yeah, yeah. It's basically I'm from a big family. All my uncles worked in this oil rig That's why he knows Starshot name My dad didn't No No

He broke the mould What did he do then? We don't talk about him In it's kind of a black sheep Of the family Yeah Yeah Let's just say

Black sheep of the family You still have your Jamaican sheep No No no I mean like he pretends to be a black sheep Oh right Yeah he wears wool And he runs around a field He's gone mental

Basically That's the The kind term he's uh he's gone spastic in the head yeah he's full div yeah yeah he runs around the field buying like a sheep yeah going babab black sheep and we don't have the heart to tell him that he's not a sheep so we just let him out okay and you know what it was actually too painful to see him that's why i went my uncles and that's why i'm on this oil rig what about yourself so you're here on the oil rig well jesus my tale i am from uh well i'm from monaghan because uh i'm not very good

good at improv. No, no, no. So my name's O'Malley. I actually, yeah, I'm from Onan originally, but emigrated in the 80s to New York City, tried to make it as a rapper. Are you familiar with House of Pain? Oh, I am. Jump around?

I am, yes. Yeah, I was in the original lineup of House of Pain. I didn't like jump around, so I was like, look, this track ain't ever going to work. I'm walking. Well, you want to call it Stay Still. Stay still. Stay still. Don't move. be considerate of other people.

Yeah, your one was more, more judgy and not as fun. No, no, not as fun. It didn't test well, man. The rest of the guys were like... I tried to go solo and release, stand still, don't move, and be considerate. It flop.

You just kept releasing these albums like that. Be kind to your parents. What else? Save money, invest wisely. Enron, looks like it'll be a big one. Yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, you were really. still sold out there yeah no I was the company spokesman for Enron you know some say that's where

it all went wrong yeah I don't know I'm not well I'm not a you know logistical analysis when Enron went down yeah people are more angry at you than Enron that's true yeah they just hated my they did that documentary about you the dumbest guys in the room yeah it was just me yeah yeah so now my failed rap career didn't take off and then I had a lot of people from Enron very very litigious people that worked in Enron I'll tell you this now a lot of busy bodies

if you pardon my French so I had to just get out of dodge for a while so I was feeling kind of low kind of depressed I went to the movies

what was on I bet you know Armageddon Hell yeah Armageddon for life bitch Our favorite movie Every man in the oil rig

loves Armaged They can't wait for an asteroid to come Yeah because they know they're the only ones That can save the world We can have sex with Bruce Willis' daughter

and blow up an asteroid. Yeah, we can do it. And so I just saw Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck just crushing it on the oil rig and I was like, this is where I need to be. If I save the world from an asteroid, then maybe I could restart my rap career.

I'll be embraced this time around as the saver of humanity. And you can, you have a telescope and you check that every two seconds. In fact, you don't even work here. You just check the telescope. Well, I think, you know, I do a little more than that, right?

Well, that's what it seems like sometimes. or Jackson That's what the manager says And you always call me Brian He just remind me of this guy That I used to know He was real, right Probably gay

Yeah I'll tell you He wouldn't work on an oil rig Couldn't hack it Probably yeah Probably doesn't have a six pack Like us Yeah that's right

Well you know what Haven't working on this oil rig You know I don't want to be one of those guys But I'm noticing a lot of toxic masculinity around here Especially from my uncles Yeah your uncles are pretty I mean I don't want to judge your family

But uh I will just say Martin Jackson They love entourage And they regularly Reenact Entourage Where they play Johnny Drama and Turtle Yes Yeah

And you're What the fuck is that Ah what is the The guy Aure Gold's assistant Oh black is so hard Why don't you guess Lloyd Yeah, yeah

So you're Lloyd They call me Lloyd They call you Lloyd I don't like it Well that's not what they call you Oh You play Lloyd but they call you something else

they call you a few things that I won't repeat here I choose again like my uncles were just joshing around it's not like they say these things and I cry in the bathroom that's not true they don't post these things online

regularly to specific group chats they do they post it publicly but it's all in good fun you know like one time they kicked the door open when I was in the back I was in a compromising position I was having a poop in the bathroom

and they kicked the door open and they dragged me out there with my jeans down and then they rubbed the shit in my face and they put that on Facebook Live Yeah, yeah Just remember like when Facebook Live

was launching and they had influencers to promote Facebook Live So this was there My uncles are influencers Okay, I see So this was part of Facebook Lives launch And I see I liked that one That one was a bit more playful

But I tell you the one I didn't like Yeah, go on Was the one where I mean I'm not sure if anybody's familiar With the mechanics of an oil rig But we have a giant drill that sort of drills into the bedrock of the seas so we can pump out oil.

Yes, I'm familiar. Yeah, yeah, of course. Oh, for a listener, I forget. I'm doing it for the listener. I'm new to podcasting, I'm sorry. Yeah, look, I know you're a seasoned professional on the oil rig. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, when they, you know, put you in that scuba suit and brought you down to the sea, but just had a little butt flap and your gaping white asshole had to accept the entirety of the drill. Yeah. I thought that was a bit mean, personally. I mean, don't get me wrong.

I love pranks. I watch you. practical jokers all the time. It's the only show we can get here out in the oil room. I'm such a sal. But, you know, that was mean, I'm going to say. That was a bit. How are you, by the way? Not good.

Do you need a cushion? Not good. I am just constantly bleeding. Yeah. It hasn't stopped bleeding. That was two years ago. We have gotten more blood from your asshole than we've gotten oil from the sea. That's awesome.

It's become a separate business now. We're selling it to the elites. Yes. Because you know how, like, children's blood is injected into rich people. Apparently, the blood for your asshole is even more invigorating. Yeah. Gives them a real zest. Now, I wouldn't mind if I was getting a cut of the profits.

Well, no. No, my uncle say I need to earn that. I don't know how I'm supposed to earn that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's it. Now, you mentioned Armageddon, of course, which is our favorite film. We watch it.

Like, you said we only get practical jokers. That's the only TB we get. We have one VHS of... of Armageddon. It used to be beta max, but we upgraded. We're doing pretty well. We got a money in oil, so VHS. A drone came along and dropped off the tape.

And we were like, where's the food? We should mention we have, we don't get fed. Where's my insulin? Just watch Armageddon and shut up. We don't get food. We don't get insulin. That's not a reason why I'm voting for Bernie. Yeah, we're Bernie bros here all the oil rig.

Yeah. I'm hoping that, you know, all these politicians talk about like, you know, equality and racism. No one talks about feeding people in oil rigs. no one speaks to me yeah we're you know we're not we're we're a key demographic oil rig workers are like the backbone of this economy and we're always forgotten about yeah yeah like oh these people now like you know with their gender neutral bathrooms and all that you know it's like yeah yeah yeah you know the only reason you can use that bathroom is because of us yeah yeah yeah yeah we know what that you know what the toilet's powered on oil that's the only way it works

but anyway I was talking about movies but there's another movie I remember watching back on the mainland that I loved did you ever see Deepwater Horizon Yes Yeah yeah yeah About that's oil spill that got blown out of proportion Which was

It was totally fine And the listeners might not know this That film was based on On an oil rig that we were on at time That's true Yeah okay I mean I wasn't gonna bring that up Are we allowed to talk about this

We signed NDAs But I don't know what NDA stands for It's no dudes the loud, which makes no sense because it's all men on the oil rigs. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I, you know, we signed an NDA, but I don't feel like companies are very litigious when it comes to

NDAs. No, I don't think anyway. I mean, look at the Weinstein thing, everybody's talking, so they obviously don't mean shit. Technically shouldn't those women give that money back? No, no, no, I'm sorry. Well, that was when you ran for office that time.

Yeah, that didn't work out well. If you thought my rap career was bad, my career in politics. When you ran from mayor of the oil rig, I should say it, the oil rig, like, it's kind of broken down, so we have our own little democracy on it. Yeah, yeah. And it was only me against Gummo O'Reilly, and he won by a landslide. I mean, physically, it was an actual landslide that wiped out most of my voters. How does a landslide kill people on oil rig? Yeah.

Lock it up. Read the book. What, do you want me to explain everything? You take? I should probably tell them. See, I at the time, you know those big model volcanoes? Yeah. So I was getting really into it.

So I made like a life-size one. Okay. Yeah. On the oil rig. I remember. Yeah. But unfortunately, it fell apart and killed gummy. Yeah.

Poor old gummy. The only thing gummo, sorry, yeah. The only thing that was left was his gums. His toothless gums, the only thing that was left. So anyway, like they based, um... Deepwater Horizon. I was the John Malkovich character. For some reason, they changed a lot about me.

oh god and you were um mark walberg's wife which didn't change at all no no they had a very accurate portrayal i was uh yeah very flattered by that yeah yeah yes do you want to talk about what it was like to you know have our story be turned into a film uh well okay i'm going to be honest i a part of my NDA. Not only am I not allowed to talk about that incident. I haven't actually been allowed to watch Deepwater Horizon. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, I'm forbidden. Well, I'm idle loophole in my NDA. So I'm allowed to watch it, but only in the reflection of a mirror. So everything's backwards when I watched it. But I got the gist of it. So basically what happens is, well, you know the story, but in the film. Okay, well, how did they,

how accurate was it in the film? That's what I want to know. It was fairly accurate. The left out a lot of the stuff involving, like, the great volcano I made. For the fact that we blamed it on Padro, the Mexican guy. Yeah, yeah. We kind of landed it all on his doorstep. Yeah, left out that. And the film was interesting. They made it, like, it was a fault of the company.

Oh, that's a good angle. Shum thought of that. Yeah. During the court case, would have gotten an awful lot of community service, if I had. We had a lot of community service. Oh, God. And it was community service on the oil rig. On the oil rig.

Yeah, yeah. So, we just had to. to walk around wearing orange jackets. We were breaking rocks on the oil rig. We had to dive into the sea, get the rocks, bring them up, break them. No, we were a chain gang underwater. But they didn't give us any scoop of equipment,

so we just had to hold our brand. Yeah, yeah. But apart from that, the film is very accurate. There's a cool scene where the oil rig, a bit of the oil rig is tipping over, and Walberg has to jump over some flames. Oh, yeah. That was really cool, which wasn't in real life.

That didn't happen at all, no. In fact, what did happen is there were people who were, you know, trying to jump them. We pushed them and they landed in the flames. Yeah. Well, I told the judge at the time, it's like when you're under pressure, you're going to do weird things. You don't know how you're going to react. And when the adrenaline's flowing, sometimes you shove innocent people into the fiery pit of death. Yeah, and that's just what happens.

It's just a fight or flight kind of thing, you know, like that. It's a natural human instinct. We're like first responders. We're like Pete Davidson's dad. Well, you know. We actually wore first responders and that's why Pete's dad is dead. Yeah, sorry about that Pete. Yeah, yeah.

We really dropped the ball there, to be honest. Yeah, yeah. I just panicked and pushed him in. But deep down I knew that his son would get some good pussy. He's going to be banging that chick from the Disney Club. Or was this she in Zoe 101 or I Carly or something? It's one of those shows, wasn't it? Nickelodeon.

vicious or Vitorious or Vittorius? Maybe something like that, yeah. She's a Nickelodeon person. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm not allowed to watch Nickelodeon. Oh, yeah. That was part of the NDA. This is a very elaborate NDA.

Yeah, it spanned a generation. Yeah, but yeah, so Deepwater Horizon, that was based on us. And they made another film based on a part of her lives. Oh, did they? Yeah. I didn't even hear about this one. You wrote it. Oh, I wrote it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was this back during my men? mescaline phase because I was doing a lot of writing back then I don't remember a lot of it Oh, well it was Kujo

Kujo Yeah You know I wrote that About the dog Yeah Now I remember Again they changed a lot Yeah

Because in real life There was just a dog In the oil rig And I like Kicked to death And then I was like Oh my dog was evil And I wrote a screenplay

Yeah In real life You just kicked a dog to death But you smuggled onto the oil rig Took a load of mescaline kicked it And then ran into your room

And wrote a book about it And a down fine book it was too To that Stephen King Son of a bitch He ripped off the idea Yeah he wrote up very similar You went to court with him I did I lost that one too

I need to stop going to court It never works out for me Well I see I was a big support of you And I remember when you lost that case I got in that car and I hit him Yes I know yeah I thought a part of the NDA Was you weren't allowed to talk about that too

Well again it doesn't count for podcasts Oh okay right I see Yeah There's a lot of clauses and new polls Apparently Who is it Alan Dershowitz that put this thing together? It was.

Yeah, of course it was. Yeah. I said I want the best Jew you got. No, that's too, Jewie. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, that's us.

Yeah, that's life on the oil rig. Yeah, yeah. Pretty cool. That's our lives. Do you have anyone back home that you send letters to or anything? No, not anymore. Yeah. You know, well, I had a, I had a,

it's tough that you even bring this up. I had someone back home, a little special someone. A little lovey-dovey action. It was Pete Davidson, actually. I was sending love letters to Pete Davidson. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. The first letter was kind of an apology on,

I was apologising on behalf of you for pushing his father into the burning tower. I hope he explained that it wasn't my fault. It was more his dad's fault. Yeah, he was being very reckless. Yeah. So, but, you know, kind of struck up a correspondence. And then it kind of became a bit of a love triangle

Between Pete, Arianda and me So Pete and Ariana were in love with each other And I was trying to send letters to both of them But they were both like, who is this freak? Get away from us, please stop harassing us You're actually putting a lot of strain in our relationship You know, just that a little cat and ice game That lovers play

It was like an episode of Crenation Street You know, with Ken Barlow and Deirdre Barlow And Mike Baldwin He used to run the underwear the underwear factory so it was very similar my little love triangle and you would mention this in the letters yeah yeah it's like and uh what do you mean you never watch carnation street you idiot william roach is a revelation and i'm glad your dad died in 9-11 fuck you and so it didn't really work out didn't really work out yeah but now they've broken up yeah but before that

pizza-free agent Before that they adopted the pig You wore that pig That was a pig That was during your pig stage

Yeah I was Well again That was the mescalin Yeah That's what mescalin does Put a little snout on me Like do you remember that picture of David Cameron

Back in the Wollington Club Yeah That was me Yeah That was me as a pig Decapitated big said You go through your pig Phaeges every now and again

Yeah Of course Yeah And that's where You don't remember The Charlie Brooker Black Mirror episode Again

that was me and you were great in that episode thank you thank you I feel my performance was overlooked the way by the way that's not a stunt cock that's a real cock going inside me that was in my contract I demanded that I'd be penetrated well when I watched the episode I was a minute I was like

the people in that show watching it I was just astounded yeah yeah thank you Brian I called you that again what's your name Jackson Jackson yeah but people say have a brine face the masculine really did a number on my old memory Jackson I apologize.

People say, I know you're called O'Malley. I'm O'Malley. What's your first name again, O'Malley? Well, I told you no first names. We don't do it. Well, maybe I'm the only one who adheres. You're the only one who does this.

Yeah, this is my rule. Nobody else. You also don't show any, like, your birth certificate. We don't know what age you are. We don't know. We don't even know that's your real name. Well, I'll never tell. You just showed up on the...

I'm like, catch me if you can. Yeah. But, no. Nobody wants to try and catch me. The thing you didn't mention is, you said that you saw Armageddon and went to Oil Rake. You didn't contact the owners of the Oil Rigg.

You just swam here. I just swam here. Well, more so floated and allowed the current to kind of take me in. It didn't work out very well. You're not being paid to be here. You're not on a salary. No, I'm not on contract at all.

You don't have anywhere to sleep? They've actually tried to kind of shove me off the Rigg quite a few times. They hired, it was like Benny Hill, like that the guy chase you around That wasn't the many hill things on We're actually not D-N-A-D-N-Lay-D-N-A-D-A-D-A-D-A-D-A-D-A

Oh, that's what it was Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay But yeah, yeah, so I mean, I don't have to be here But I want to be here It's for my love of oil rigs And I'm going to make it back to the big time Boy, I love oil rigs

I'm going to run for office I'm going to get back with Pete Davidson I'm going to murder Ariana Grande and it's all going to be fine You'll see So that's your plans for the future Well, my plans for the future and these might seem like big dreams

but see I love oil rigs that's why I want to start this podcast because I think oil rigs are almost like a vision of what the future can be where people live on land why you know an oil rig is like you're living here you're working in the same place

and also you're making oil which is like the best thing in the world and it's never going to end never going to end it's endless it's literally an infinite resource that's what they call it that's where the word oil comes from It's Latin for infinity.

Infinity, of course. Yeah, yeah. And there's never been, nothing, nothing bad has ever come from. Oil has only brought joy to the world. There's no, nothing wrong with oil.

You're speaking my language. Thank you. And yeah, you're going to get these hippie LGBTQ people, okay, that sail around the boat with their green peace signs, okay, and they're like, oh, climate change.

Oh, oil is bad. Oh, the plate, it's literally leaking right now. Oh, you know, stuff like that. And we, we don't not like that. Look, that's just old propaganda. The old propaganda machine at work. Oh, the Iraq war was because of oil. No.

No, it wasn't. No. I mean, it was. But, you know, no, it wasn't. And if it was, it was worth it? Yeah, it was. For that precious oil. Oil's great.

Yeah. It's the best. Yeah, those Greenpeace guys drive me mental. I'm very happy that you talk with those guys that based Captain Philip on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And you got those Somali pilots to come along. Yeah, well, you know, I have some connections.

from my New York days I met those guys in my underground club I can't really go into specific yeah well those Somali pirates they love the party they do

yeah yeah they do they actually loved jump around by House of Payne yeah they always played it which kind of you know irked me a little bit kind of ticked me off but you know

they have AK 47s and machetes so I can't really argue yeah they would bring that to the club which is a bit of like they shot 50 cent more than nine times

mind you yeah yeah yeah So anyway, what I was talking about is So I love oil rigs And I want to spread a positive message about oil rigs In fact, I've actually started a religion Where he worshipped the oil rig Yeah, like the same way that they worshipped a stone

In the start of 2001 Space Odyssey Yes, yeah, yeah I jump around and I act like a monkey Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah There were certain crew members in the oil rig Who find that a little insensitive, Ryan Especially when you dressed up

but look we best not go into that it's part of my religion so there's a lot of tax breaks there as well yes yes so I want to spread the word of my oil rig religion slash just general way to be so after this when we finish our tour of Dewey which is 20 years okay okay I want to go to schools and teach kids about the benefits of living on your own way a bunch of men in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean

and how just zero zero negatives at all. Zero drawbacks. It's all just win-win. Yeah. So I'm going to write a little play about our lives and it's a one-man show. You can be in it as well. It'd be one-man show with two people. Okay.

The best kind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a one-man show but... It's like you're subverting the whole whole idea of it. That's brilliant. Well, I don't want let a concept control me. No. It's like a one-man show. It's like oil. Yeah. Oil flows, maybe. It goes in

all directions. You can't, I mean, that's where I went wrong trying to release, stand still, don't move and be considerate. That ain't oil. That ain't the oil way of life. Oil flows. And I've learned that now. I've realized it. I've finally

come to this epiphany. Yeah. I've come to this epiphany. What I always say is, if music was any good, you have to drill for it. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Drill music is the best. Of course. And I'm a big fan of drill. I stab some people in London.

Not for any reason, just... No, yeah. For oil. They were just white people. Yeah. So anyway, I'm going to do this two-man, one-man play. One-man play with two people. Yeah, yeah.

To schools all across the world. Yes. And hopefully get some more crew members. Yeah. And finally, we can create a utopian society where it's just oil rigs and water. That's it. Yeah. So I'm working on a plane now.

I've got a wonderful writer called Emmett Kerwin. Ah, Hick-Kirwin. Yeah, yeah. Dublin Old School. Yeah, he's helped. helping me add a bit of stank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there like a, you wouldn't happen to have an excerpt that we could possibly hear?

Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you'll be so kind as to regalists. Let me just, I'll give you a moment, obviously. Let me just, okay, so we're getting ready for it. And I'll give you a little cue when it's your turn. Okay. Because you have a speaking part as well. Oh, okay, so I got to kick it up.

Yeah, but I'll give you the cue. So if I'm talking to someone, I'm doing a few characters. okay yeah yeah and then when i point is your turn okay so okay so okay it's theater okay this is my one act play uh one act one man play with uh with two people uh with the three act structure and two people and uh the name of the show is there will be oil there will be oil yeah yeah i love it yeah so uh by uh jackson star child yeah starring omale yeah yeah like shack yeah uh yeah uh so here it goes interior the street

I'll wake up where am I my life is ruined once again oh no no money in my pocket no dreams in my heart what am I going to do I've been chasing drugs alcohol

rock music gay stuff my whole life None of it's made me happy It's made me sad Not happy What am I going to do Oh look

It's a sign I'll rig I'll rig Hmm Isn't that for lameos And people that don't Isn't oil bad for you Hey look

It's someone from Greenpeace Ooh I'm from Greenpeace And I'm a loser I don't want to be like You Greenpeace You get Fuck off

I'm going to get on the oil rig And if any kids are watching I'm going to write a play about it If any kids watch it They should listen to me Look here's one that kids now Hi kid Hey mister

You're going to work in an oil rig That's awesome Yes it is kid What a great time we've had On the street I must leave now Well just one minute there sir Who's that

It is me Aloisius Make oil, the notorious oil baron. I hear you want to work in my oil rig. I do. And why should I hire you, sir? I love oil. It's running through my blood. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, why don't I cook you and see? Oh, no, it's red. Oh, my God. You lie, boy. I can change. I can drink the oil. Drink it?

It'll go through my veins. Let me see you drinking. Oh, this motherfucker drank the oil. I told you I get him to do it. That's 20 bucks, motherfucker. Peace. Are you one of my uncles? Yeah, it's me, Martin Starchild.

Oh, why do I write this in my own play? You dick. Oh, no, this is what happens when you're abused. Abuse runs downhill. You write it into your own art. Their fiction is or your reality. Oh, God, I've got oil all over me, and I'm, oh, I've got a small penis. Oh.

End scene. Finn. And that's an excerpt. Wow. I mean, if the play is anything like that, I mean. Now, you'll notice, I don't shy away from the truth. Wow, you hit, I mean, you were hitting some harsh realities there. Do you ever see clerks?

Yeah? Yeah, he worked in a store. He wrote about working in a store. I drank oil because my uncle tended to be a man called Aloysius. Put that in the play. That's, man. Yeah, I'm actually, it's so brave of you to be able to, like, explore your past life trauma and pain. So we're a cathartic medium, like, theatre and your playwrights, you know.

You're a genius. What can I say? I'm in awe. I'm inspired by you. I am brave. Yeah, you are very brave. And hopefully kids will see this

and think I'm brave as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, you know, fuck them. Yeah.

And one thing is also, I think you notice, is I actually drink oil for real every time I do the show. Yeah. And sometimes do the show like three times a day. Yeah. I have started to notice

that you're starting to look a little unwell, though, if you don't mind my saying, are you feeling all right? from drinking all this oil I mean we've done a lot of rehearsals even though I didn't know about it Yeah we haven't actually brought us out to a school yet

Yeah So I'm just being rehearsing in my room Yeah just for hours on end Just by yourself drinking oil Just naked staring in the mirror And you know it's like my veins have turned black They have Yeah kind of like venom from Spider-Man

But like in a really kind of sickly way Like you're not big or strong or muscular You're very frail and uh Yeah I'm reverse venom I'm getting frailer and frail and frailer. You're like, it's like Venom meets Benjamin

Button you're just getting worse so you're degenerating yeah, yeah and just sit down I listen to Eminem song about Venom

Venom, Venom do you hear that? No, yeah I think I did. Venom, Venom, got to get them, get them. That's how it goes. Yeah, and I'm like,

this song speaks to me in ways that Eminem can't even understand. You're like Stam but it's just for the Venom song. Yes, I've been writing to it. You're slim. I wrote you

But you're still in Colin I love Benno All that shit Be bawling Yeah So at the moment My veins are blue I'm sick

I'm coughing up oil And I'm driving around With your girlfriend In the oil Ray She's pregnant With an oil baby Yeah

She's a little too close To something else She gives birth to oil Just oil Yeah Just oil yeah Just crawls out Like in

Game of Thrones Yeah That like black shadow Demon comes out Now when I say my girlfriend's pregnant she's not actually real okay yeah yeah she's more just a mannequin

that I've cut a hole into poured oil push honey push I can see the head yeah it's just a weird screaming black thing and instead of a gynecologist

it's just that actual oil drill just drilling into this mannequin's non-existent vagina getting the oil out yeah so that's uh wow that's me yeah uh that's how i'm living uh do you what i tell you what this this oil rig podcast has been fun do you want to end it now or do you want to like uh is there anything i don't know me where else could we go we've went to some strange places already see this is all true by the way yeah this is all true this is our lives yeah it's all like but i worry that like

if we keep talking about our lives it might start to come a little ridiculous yeah oh could it possibly we'd want to avoid that at all costs yeah yeah because this is a little bit very factual so far so i'm wondering should we maybe maybe we should yeah maybe we should just call it a day get in get out kind of job that's right yeah and get back to work you know where we learned that on the oil rig get in grab the oil and get out yeah yeah yeah that's how we live baby yeah yeah i think we'll finish up there because i think we got some good stuff out of that well no we didn't get good stuff it's just our life yeah yeah yeah you think you got it easy before we go O'Malley

Is there anything you want to say to people Just keep consuming oil Don't buy into this climate change nonsense It's all bullshit Greta Thurnberg is a Holocaust denier Does anybody? Nobody talks about that But it's true

Yeah I mean she hasn't actually denied the Holocaust But I can tell I can tell by the way she kind of carries herself that Yeah she's not buying into that The way she blinks Oh yeah

She's blinking in the Morse code you know, 6 million didn't die Yeah, exactly, yeah So listen, keep consuming oil And we'll keep drilling it for you She actually blinks the word Cyclone B is good for you Yeah, so I'm going to end up as well

Thank you so much for listening You guys, you know You got a real treat there You've got to see a bit of my play Which I'm going to continue working on And I might even write a sequel to play And we might hear a bit of that in the future But who knows

But thank you so much for listening the first episode of the oil rig podcast I think that's it this will be a daily podcast three times a day and as well hopefully yeah and as you say in the oil rig

as we always say stay oily stay oily woo