Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Aubrey Plaza

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Aubrey Plaza [] sits down with Rachel and Olivia this week for a rather conversation. The broads discuss Aubrey dating a Swedish exchange student, her spur-of-the-moment wedding and her neighbor Dandelion (who is a witch). Aubrey reveals what it was like interning at SNL and getting proposed to at the location of the Basque witch trials! Enjoy!Parks and Recreation, Legion, Dirty Grandpa, Funny PeopleWitchySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast on HBO Max, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to broad ideas

where I, Rachel Bilsen, and I, Olivia Allen, speak with people, all kinds of people, all kinds of ideas. Right. It's a very broad, and you will hear how broad it really is, because let me tell you, we run the gamut. A very dear friend of mine is here today.

I adore Aubrey Plaza so very much. We had a very special relationship when we worked together. We played sisters. And I'm so happy that she is here to talk with us today. As am I? Huge fan, also. Huge. What do people know her from?

You might know, Aubrey, from Parks and Recreation. Quite a popular show. She was in that Father John Misty music video. Excuse me? What? I feel like that's where most people know her from. Are you being serious? The Father John Misty music video.

Who's Father John Misty? He was in the Fleet Foxes. Okay. Yeah. Rob, you're too cool for me. She's in. The Fleet Foxes? No, just Fleet Foxes.

She's in Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings. His first music video. Okay. Father John Misty. She's also in Dirty Grandpa and Ingrid Goes West. She's. She's done so much. It's hard to say her credits and wrote a book,

the legend of the Christmas witch. Yep. I mean, the list can go on and on. And it does. She also did a little movie called The To Do List that I also did. Huge movie. Huge, huge, huge. Huge stars. Let's talk to her. Let's do that. Aubrey. Sometimes when the way inside of Rachel's little brain, all these thoughts are swirling round and round inside to join. To join. us on this journey as we take a little ride. We'll talk about dogs and kids and things. We'll talk about chicks and tampon strings. We'll talk about boys that are...

Because people die. I'm so happy to see you. Hello. Aubrey, this is Olivia. She's one of my best friends. Hi, Aubrey. Nice to meet you. Hi.

Nice to meet you too. I feel like I haven't actually seen you since running into you in a mall in Atlanta. Do you remember that? Oh, shit. I, like, had my baby. You were shooting. I don't know what you were shooting there. I don't know what I was shooting either.

Dirty grandpa? I don't know. Oh, yeah. I think you were. And we ran into you in the mall. And you were like, what, what are you guys doing? Yeah. What were you doing?

I was only there because my ex was shooting a movie there and we had a newborn. Oh, got it. And she likes the mall. Yeah, why were we in the mall? Who was I? I don't even know who I was with. My memory is so bad. No, you were by, I'm the same, but you were by yourself.

Such a lizard. No, you were like, I'm really stoned them in this mall and I don't know what is going on. Oh, yeah, that sounds about right. But yeah, I don't know if I've seen you since then. And that would have been like six years ago or something. Seven? I don't know. That's some fucked up.

Yeah, some fucked up shit. You look great. You look great. Thanks. You are a very busy lady. You have a lot of things going on. I know. What the fuck?

I don't know. What's happening? Olivia's been like, I cannot wait to talk. I'm obsessed. Aubrey. I'm obsessed with her. Yeah. In a creepy, like, cozy way, though.

Yeah. Okay. I'll take it. I feel like you would understand that because it seems like you like some creepy, cozy things. Yeah, that's like those are the two best words to describe most of the things that I like. Is that how I feel about you? Yeah, 100%.

Your adjective. Well, I personally fell in love with you when we worked together on the to-do list. By the way, that was a great movie. You are fucking phenomenal in it. And I feel like it should have got more recognition than it did. So were you. I know. Honestly, I feel like it was ahead of its time.

And I'm not going to hate on any other movie that, like, does, you know, the similar things or whatever. But that book smart, did you see books smart? I did see Booksmart. That Book Smart, which was great. Great. Good. Good for all the people involved in Book Smart. But I did watch that movie and go like, oh, hello.

We did this. We fucking did this. I mean, ours was set in the 90s, of course. Right. Which I don't think that movie was. But, um. Was it? But, you know, whatever.

funny you say that. I just saw Book Smart for the first time, like less than a month ago. Yeah. And I thought it was good. I thought Olivia Wilde did a really good job, you know, visually. Totally. Totally. But you're so right. And I think it was before it's time. And I almost wanted them to like re-release it. Honestly, they should. But they should re-release it with the original title, which was the hand job. Which is so much better. Which is so much better. Because it's about your character who is a virgin, who hasn't done anything, hasn't done shit. And like you have a to-do list to like accomplish before before you graduate. Yeah. I'm like one summer, I'm like, I must make this list of all the sexual things before I go to college so that I'm not like an inexperienced loser in college or

something. And you play my older sister and we fight. We have like physical fight. Which are really funny. Yeah. And I'm like telling you how to give a good rim job or some shit. I don't know. Yeah. Did anyone do that in real life to either of you? Like, did anyone explain how to do things? Or did you just kind of figure it out in real life? Rim job? I don't even know what a rim job really is. I just mean in general.

Like, I remember being in elementary school and then being like, this is how you give a blow job. And then doing it. Someone showed you? Yeah. How to give a blow job? I think my sister legitimately showed me on a banana how to give a blow job. Hmm.

No? I don't think I had that. Did you, Aubrey? Well, I had this one summer where I was dating the Swedish exchange student that was from like, okay, it's like a really long story. We have time. Basically, I went to an all-girls school, like a very small, all-girls Catholic school. And so there were no boys on my boss. The boys were all like at the brother's school.

So we didn't interact with boys that much. But I did community theater. And I met this, like, Swedish guy, and he was so hot. And I was like, who is that guy who's, like, painting the sets or whatever? And they were like, I don't know, just like the public school. And then he, like, couldn't really speak that great English at that point when I met him at first. But then I asked him to go to junior prom with me, like, kind of as a joke, not to be, like, making fun of him or anything. But I was like, wouldn't it be hilarious if I took the Swedish guy?

and he like can't speak English or something. But then by the time that I asked him to go, I guess he had been in Delaware for so long, he totally spoke English and it wasn't funny. It was like, it was so funny or something. But then we very quickly just kind of, I fell in love with him. I don't know how he felt about me,

but I was like obsessed with him. And he was only a year older than me, I think. But I had a car and this is going back to the original question. I just remember he taught me a lot in the woods. In the car. And he was in Delaware. It was like one of the, yeah, it was like one of those summers where there was a lot of like car driving around in cars and like parking in like parking lots and stuff.

And I was like to say thank you so much to the Swedish boy who seemed a very much more advanced in all of those things. And I learned a lot that summer. That's all I'm going to say. Learning a lot. Bringing it back to the creepy. cozy feeling. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. And then have you stayed in touch with him? Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. I mean, this is like a very loaded question because I actually have this

movie that was written about this relationship. Oh, wow. And it hasn't been me yet. But it was, yeah, it has not come to fruition. But there exists a script that is about this relationship. And the answer is, yes, I have stayed in touch with him, but in the creepiest of ways where basically like I, 10 years after that infamous summer, I went to Sweden, like without telling him and kind of like went to his hometown and was like, what's up? Remember me? Did you tell anyone? It was like my eat, pray love moment. I had just broken up with someone and I was like, I'm going to go to Sweden and find him again

because technically we never broke up. We just had to stop dating because the program was over. You're still together now. We are. Even though I'm pretty sure he's married and has kids now, we're spiritually married because we never broke up. It's like a weird unresolved thing when you're like, but what would have happened if he hadn't been forced apart

because we didn't really broke up? Right. What happened when you saw him when you went there? Basically, the short version is I saw him. He had a girlfriend. which I didn't know. And like I told him I was coming. I think I maybe Facebook message him to or something.

We hadn't kept in touch. So I sent him this message hoping that he would see it. But I planned my trip anyway. I was like, I'm going whether I see him or not just for my own thing. Because I wanted to like write this script. And then he got back to me a couple days before I went to his hometown. It was like, oh my God, I do live here.

I still live here. I would love to take you out for dinner. And I was like, oh my God. Like my movie is happening in real life. And then he picks me up for dinner, but he had a girl with him. What? So I had like built up. Yeah.

So I had built up this whole thing where I was like, oh my God, like we're going to get back together. Like everything is happening. And then he was like, this is my girlfriend. This is my love. And I was like, and she was like, what are you doing here? Who are you? Why are you? I can't.

And I was like, I'm on a work trip. She's like, what work are you doing here? This is my terrible, that's not even a Swedish accent. But she was like, what, why are you in this town? What work are you doing? I was like, nothing. Just sightseeing. It made for a very awkward dinner.

Everybody drank a lot of wine. And then I remember that in the middle of dinner, he realized what was going on and was like, oh. You want me to teach you more. Yeah. I was like, our lessons aren't. But, yeah, so that was like a shit show. That was a long time ago. That was fucking hilarious.

Were you already, like, working at the time? Like, did he know that you were successful? It was, like, early into parks and recreation. It was like, I can't remember what season it was. But it was the first time that I had, like, hiatus or whatever. And I felt like, I had a little bit of extra money. I never had that before. and I was like, oh, wow, I'm like a professional actor and I'm on hiatus.

Fucking, I'm going to like make this little trip and I just, yeah, I went to Scandinavia for two weeks. I can't believe if you did that. And by yourself. Yeah, you were just like, fuck it, I'm going to go. Even if he doesn't see my message, I'm going to go find him. I would imagine it was a big town. Yeah, basically, yeah.

It wasn't. It was, it was, Gothenburg, Gothenburg, Gothenburg, Yotabori. Again, terrible Swedish. I'm really impressed with your Swedish. Isms. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

That's why I say thank you. So you learned so much from him. I know, I did. Yo, for sure, Svenska. Your Sotta, Svinska. I can like kind of. No, no, I like became upset. Oh, that is.

I mean, we've all been there. I mean, I haven't been that far. To Sweden. I haven't been to Sweden, but I would have gone. He was extremely attracted. And I was like, like, he was out of my leave. Oh my God, you're right.

No. Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. What I would have given to be a fly on the wall at that dinner with you and him and his girlfriend. Okay. This is why the movie needs to happen. Well, it's going to happen because you keep talking about it and you're putting it out there.

I know. Are you going to direct hit to manifest? I can't. I feel like I can't like jinx it. No, don't. But it's like, it's just already. It's going to happen and everyone will know soon enough. Put it that way.

Yeah. Yeah. So you got married, spur of the moment kind of thing, right? Yeah, we had been together for 10 years. We got married the summer of the quarantine, but we didn't tell anyone. So I think people think like it happens a year later or something.

At least the internet thinks that, which I like because I don't want them to know everything. But yeah, it was our 10 year anniversary and we had been quarantined for months. And we were just sitting in the living room at like 5 p.m. or something. We had like ordered dinner and we were just joking around. And I was like, we should, I was just like we should do something, you know, special.

It's our 10 year anniversary. That's crazy. Like, we should just get married or something. And then we're just like joking about it. And then we were like, well, could we actually do that? And then I just Googled it and found one hour marriage.com, which was the first website that popped up. That exists. That's amazing.

Yes. I thought it was a joke. And then I called the number and I was like, can you come to our house right now? And they were like, oh, can we do tomorrow? And I was like, no. It's like, you advertised one hour. And they were like, all right, we'll be there in two hours. And I was like, again, not the advertisement, but I'll take it. And so that was it.

And then this very sweet man came to our house around 830, I think, from Alhambra. And he had a briefcase and was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. And I was like creating like a love altar and like saging and like I've told the story of her that's like this other woman that is a witch that moves across the street for me during the quarantine. I only told her. You told her that you were getting married. Yeah. I like went. I like ran across the street.

Her name was her name is Dandelion. And I was like Dandelion, I'm going to get married in like two hours. I was like, can you just tell me if this is like. cosmically like okay. I don't know. Is it like a bad idea or a good idea or like can you do something? And she was like, she's like, it's a good idea. And then, um, and then made me like this rosemary crown. So she like, she was like, wait right there. I'll do something. And I was like, okay. And then she like went in her house. She made this like crown. And I wore it while for the ceremony. It was very like kind of woodstock. I mean, we were in your yard. Definitely. Yeah. naked. Um, um.

Okay, we weren't naked, but we were wearing tie-dye pajamas that Jeff had made. Are you serious? During the quarantine. Yeah, he got really into tie-dye during the quarantine. So he had made me like a lot of tie-dye clothes. So it was very, yeah, it was like kind of, you know, hippie-dippy. I love it. I want to know why dandelion is a witch, though.

Like, what does she do that makes her witchy? She's a fourth generation witch. Oh, a legit witch. You're speaking my mom. Like, my mom's all into witches and the realest. and the good and all of that. So this is like, she's like a legit.

And then you did a book, The Christmas Witch. Was it, did you do it because of Dandelion? No, I think I've always been, I mean, maybe,

maybe there's like an uncought, maybe that helped me launch into it, but I, no, I've always had like a witchy fascination with that kind of stuff. And I think,

I don't know what it was. There was something about the quarantine pandemic stuff that I got really into like, terror cards. and stuff like that. And then Dandelion moved in. And then my neighbor,

it was all very manifestation-y because my neighbor, who led to across the street from me, knew that I was like kind of into the witchy stuff. And then before she moved out and had Dandelion house it for her, she was like, I met this like witch,

like a real witch. And she wants to do this ritual in my backyard. Do you want to do it with us? And I was like, yeah. And she was like, I might even have this other psychic come to like join the ritual. And I was like,

I really want to experience a psychic and a witch at a ritual to get, like, I want to, like, see how they interrupt because I'm just the intern. I was like, I'm really, but that, so then I was like, I'm in, but the psychic never showed up, but Dandelion showed up. And yeah, she, like, we sat in a little circle and she taught us how to do little altars. And then she, I think because of that day, my neighbor, when she was deciding if she's going to leave town or not, was like, you know what? I think I will have Dandelion House sit for me because it'd be great for Aubrey too. Like, I'm not saying she did it for me, but I think there was like partially why. So that was like a weird gift. And then I kind of, you know, unspokenly became Dandelion's apprentice.

At least I'd like to say I am her apprentice. I don't, she's never called me now before, but I'm, you're, you've made yourself. Yeah. That's what I try. And she would like leave little gifts on my doorstep and like little. just like a box with herbs and salts and things to burn and stuff. And then she'd like write a note and be like, tonight is the night for sex magic.

Yes, this is Rachel's mom. Yeah. Is your mom a witch? Wait, is your mom a witch? I wouldn't say she's a witch, but she's very into it. Yeah, she taught me how to read tarot. She does, she's like next level. Do you read cards now?

So Dandelion gave me the motherpiece tarot deck, which I don't know if you've encountered. countered this one, but they're the circular cards. They're like the goddess cards. Oh, yeah. And she gave me that with a book, like the guidebook or whatever. I'm getting better. I'm getting so familiar with the cards now that I can dabble in like reading them, but I just use the book. Like I know how to do certain kinds of like readings, but I'm always like, I let the cards are speaking, you know, I'm just the messenger. I'm just the vessel. I'm the vessel. I'm the vessel. I'm an empty vessel. I'm not claiming to have any magical powers here. But.

It's the deck that has the powers. And I swear to God, every time I've done a reading for people, it's always, it's always crazy. It's always like, are you kidding? I know. I want you to do our reading. Yeah, when are you going to do mine? I will. I'll come over and do it.

Do you sleep with the cards under your pillow? No. That's what, that's what Rachel's mom taught me to do. She did? Yes. She was like, you sleep with the cards under your pillow because when you're in your deep subconscious, you'll get messages and that's how you kind of form a relationship with them. So it's kind of like an exchange while you sleep.

Wait, like the whole deck? The whole deck. Like you put the deck in something if you want like a little thing and you put it under your pillow to sleep. I was going to say, because I have a lot of pillow problems and I don't know if that lump is going to do me any favors, but I could try. Well, you have to put it in something. Put it in something soft like a soft thing and then tuck it behind.

And then you, I think. You could even like, you could probably even do like a bedtime intention first of like, I'm open to receiving any messages while I sleep. And then I guess it's supposed to connect you to the cards. That sounds- Just carry them with you every day. Well, she also said to just shuffle them every day. And like not even if you're reading them, but just to shuffle them.

Just like, I do believe in like the energy that is transferred into the cards. Because when I do a reading, I basically like whoever I'm pulling a card for, I have them like spend time with the deck, shuffle. it, hold it, whatever, precedence. So I believe that. It's all energy, baby. Have you ever found out anything about yourself from doing it? Like, do you use it?

I remember I used to use it to make decisions. I'd be like, I don't know if I should do this. That's his thing. And then Jan, Rachel's mom would be like, go to the deck. And so I'd do a reading and be like, yeah, no, fuck him. I just use the decision app. What's that? What's that?

It's an app. The decider or something. And like it spins a wheel. And then it tells you yes or no. Rachel's like, aren't just using it. Rachel. Not the decision. I'm serious.

It exists. I would do it. I'm terrible making a decision. I'm sure I've used the deck to do. A lot of times the deck is like reaffirming for me. Like I'll be in a zone or something and I'll be like about to like embark on something and I pull a card. And I'm like, I'm like, I. I knew it.

Slow and steady wins the braids. It's like, whatever. It's normally just like, yeah, it's normally like, you're in the right, whatever thing. You're getting affirmation. But. From it. Yeah.

Which I need. I feel like I need. I need reassure. I need reassure. Me too. Do you want some? I mean, I'll give it to you because I literally, like, a few nights ago, Rachel's like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I can't stop watching Aubrey Plaza. She really, she always. All she did was watch you. I can't stop. I'm like, I'm in a hole. And then I went back in. No. It's so terrifying.

It's so terrifying. It's so terrifying. There's so many people that will come up to me. They'll be like, I know you from your interviews. I'm like, that is so weird. It's like should be the other way around. Right. No, it's so weird.

People, they're like, I've never seen you in anything you've done, but I've seen your interviews. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me? But like, that is the thing. No, it's right. It's something that's so right. Listen, it's all the same. And doing this and talking to people too, like, you know, there's only so much a lot of times actors are willing to give of themselves and be authentic.

But like when you see someone who's like unapologetically rad or raw, you're like, wait, what is that? I need. I need more. Yeah. Okay. So it's not something wrong with you. No. And it translates in your work too, obviously.

But yeah, people do that. They always come and they think they know you. I guess you more interviews than your characters, which is weird. No, people know you from everything you do. But it is weird that they feel like they can just come up and they're your best friend. And it's really weird and awkward. That's when I'm doing. Yeah.

She's doing that to you right now. And she doesn't care. No, I don't care either. I don't care about anything. Like, it's so funny to me because I honestly, like most of the times in those interviews, I'm just brain dead. I'm just like in survival. Do you like doing interviews or do you hate it? It's like a sick kind of like I get like I don't like it. I get really nervous. Like I get really self-conscious and I'm always kind of like, oh God. But then I think I've like dug myself into this weird pattern where it's like I've already like. set a weirdness standard. You feel like you have to upkeep it? Yeah, but then the funniest thing is like,

I always am like, besides for when I was going on doing interviews for the Christmas witch because I purposefully was like literally dressing like a witch and being like psychotic. But that was just for my own enjoyment. But like normally I'm just genuinely like saying to myself in the green room like, just be yourself and just don't worry about, you know, being funny. you're trying to do anything or whatever.

Just like, be normal. Yeah. And then it never works out. But is that your normal? That is your normal, right? I guess. I guess. I think I just don't like my brain like explode.

Like that scenario explodes my brain. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you know, it's like the weirdest. It's the weirdest. I get like mini panic attacks. Like when you're standing waiting to walk on to stage for an interview, I get like mini panic attacks.

like right before. And I don't know how, but you walk out there and then, but you talk, I have no idea what I say. But it's so nerve-wracking. You know what? Me too. I feel like I black out every time. Right. And it goes by so fast. And then I walk out and like, well, I don't know what the fuck I said this time. Like every time. I know. I feel the same way. It's just like this weird, unnatural thing. Especially when they talk to you before and you do these pre-interviews. You're like, oh, you know what you're going to be talking about? I'm like, well, what kind of conversation is that? Because then it's just like. I know. And it's like in the, the spontaneity of that conversation, I've said it the funniest way or something.

You already did it. Right. Yeah. I've already done the better version. So like my stand-up comedy brain is going like, well, don't try to recreate the joke that you already told that worked because that mean never going to work. And then it never does. So then my like tactic is like, I'm going to make a hard left turn here and talk about something that you were not expected to talk about. And then and then it just goes off the rails or something. I think it's a defense mechanism to be like, yeah. Right. And then I'm going to get you before you get me.

But that's way better, I think. Yeah. And then you just throw them for a loop. Right. But I'm never trying. Like, it's their show. Like I would never, because like my publicist who I've been with forever and ever and ever who I love, like now she's like a family member to me, but she's always kind of like, don't try to like

prank them, you know? Don't be respectful and all this stuff. And I'm like, I would never like go on someone else's show to be like, fuck you, like, I'm the butt of the joke in my mind. Right. I'm humiliating myself. It's like some weird, like, thing that I like to do. It's just, like, publicly humiliate myself for your own pleasure, for their pleasure.

But I would never want to, like, yeah, unless I really didn't like someone. Have you ever done that where you don't like someone and like purposely? No, but, um. You're like, but I would and I will. I would. I would. I think I would. I hope that when I'm like older, even though I'm already old, but like older, older,

like I'll just start, just not give it fuck. If I feel like I don't like someone, I'll just be like I'm never doing that show where I just won't even. Right. There's like one time and I won't mention who it is, but like one time I went in a show

and like three minutes into it, I was so horrified. And I had never had that feeling before where I was like, I'm never, ever doing that again. Wait, because of what they asked you or what? No, it's just like, the vibe. So when you do these things, your interviews and whatnot, because like you were into

stand-up, you did improv, like, all of that. Would you do that now? Would you do stand-up? Do you do stand-up? Please do stand-up. Well, that's such a good question because, honestly, it is the one thing that I still dream about, but I don't do it. Why not? Because I'm scared. And also, the closest thing that I have gotten to doing it was hosting the Independent Spirit Awards, which I did the last two years. And because I did that, I got to do stand-up because the monologue is basically like a 10-minute set. So to prepare for it, I did like sets at comedy clubs. Amazing. The nights leading up to it. But legitimately doing stand-up, I haven't done since funny people, which is a Judd-Aftal movie. I was in like over 10 years ago.

And I did it. I went on the circuit for a little bit, but I haven't done it in so long. To me, it's like the most respected like thing. It's the scariest and hardest thing to do. And I wish that I had the discipline to do it. But I feel like to be really good at it. You have to do it every fucking night. It's like you can't just like, yeah, like you can't just like dabble in it. Especially when you have some kind of like public profile because I feel like and this is like all ego stuff.

So I need to like just let that shit go. but I do have this like fear now where I'm like, because when I was doing it before, no one knew who the fuck I was. So I didn't have any like expectations to deliver on. And now it's like I feel like I get up there with all this baggage where I'm like, people are just going to like want this thing and I'm not going to give it to them. And then I'm going to like panic.

The pressure of it. So whatever. But maybe like posting award shows is my way of doing it. Which is like a rare like hobby. My hobby is posting for work. show. Yeah, that's my hobby. That's a good hobby.

But what about Estanel? Would you want to do that? Yes, but yes. Because I think you'd be fucking awesome. Dude, I want to do it so bad. Have you ever done SNL? No, but I worked there. You were an intern there, right?

Yes, I was an intern there for a year. That must have been insane. 2004 season. 2004. Who was there then? It was 2004, 2005. I always mark it as the year that Rob Riggle was in the cast because I think he was only on the show for that year.

Tina Faye was still head writer. Polar was there. Wow. I think it was the year after Will Ferrell had left because I pretty sure that season he came to host the show for the first time.

But it was like a crazy year. It was the year that Ashley Simpson had her thing. Her acid reflex. I was there. I was front row. Shit. Front row. In fact, when she ran off stage, she ran right past me in tears and screaming, crying and calling for her dad, I think.

Yikes. But I felt I felt really bad for her, but that was a crazy night. Yeah, insane. Paris Hilton hosted that season. I remember because at one point someone was like, watch her dogs. And I was like, what? And then she had two little doggies and they were like running up and down the hallway. and I was like, I can't believe I'm like watching her dogs.

Like, how did this happen? How did I get here? Just like weird. You felt special, right? Yeah, I loved it. I loved it. I couldn't get enough. I was like lurking in the shadows that whole year, just absorbing and stealing all the scripts.

I saw all the scripts. I would take them in my backpack and like, for what? How old were you? I was in college. I was like, yeah. 20. But what a trip that Polar was there and then you wound up with her on parks. Yeah. And we never met. Like I didn't, I was an intern in the design department. So I wasn't interacting with a cast or anything. I was just kind of, yeah, just in the background. And I never. I was like shy. I would get into the parties all the time after. And that was so much fun. And I remember getting really drunk one time and like going up to Fred Armisen and being like, yes, that's a. fine, yeah. Or whatever.

And he was like, thank you. And I was just, I was like, ha, yeah. And then that was, that was, that was your moment. That was the big one. That was my moment. It was like by the bathroom. I was like, I'm going to talk to him.

I'm going to talk. I was obsessed with him. You were. And Will Forte. Yeah. Yes. They were, because at that point, they were just like writing the weirdest shit.

And like, a lot of it wasn't getting onto the live show. And there was like, Will Forte was writing like such insane stuff. And it was so up my alley, but I felt like it never got on the show. And then I would get, like, really angry. And I'm like, I'm going to say something. And I'm like, you can't. You're no one. You're nothing.

Like, you're like, let me put these dogs down and I'm going to go say something. I know. Just going to like, hold these dogs for ransom and like, be like, Lauren. Like, hey, Lauren. Whatever. But. But what a fucking trip, though, to be a part. Just like, watching that while you're in college and like what you want to do and everything.

I mean, that's insane to me. It was so. The year after that, I became a page. Yeah. That building is very, like, important. I worked in that building in so many weird ways. Like, I was always, like, lurking in the hallways of that building. I still know, like, the security cards.

When you go to New York, you go stay with them. Totally, yeah. That's so crazy. And then when did you come to L.A.? I came to L.A. to do funny people, like, 2008, maybe. Yeah. But I just think like the stand-up, you know, going back to that, like, I don't think there's anything harder and more scary. And when I see people do it well, even like females, you know, it was such a bummer.

Like, I fucking loved Amy Schumer. Like, I felt like her stand-up, you know, awesome. I, one time I, like, commented on her Instagram. I was, like, trying to get in and, like, maybe she'll notice me. She was, like, talking about, like, Romney and Michelle's High School reunion or something. I was like, I know that movie. anyway and I commented That'd be so weird if you didn't

I know I know that was a weird comment But I commented and I went back to look To see like did she notice me She deleted my comment What? No she did I don't know why It was gone Gone

I was like But then part of me was like Well she noticed me But why would she took the time To erase my comment About posted Rachel There's

No way. I'm telling you. Did it that? You knew at the time. She called me right away and was like, what the fuck? I was very upset about this. It was very upsetting. I don't think she would like deliberately erase your comment.

Like, do people do that? Why would she do that? What was your comment? What did you actually? I think I quoted Mommy and Michelle. I was like, I invented Post-it. That's what she wrote. That's all.

There's something. She was talking about her favorite. She's like, no, you didn't, bitch. I'm not going to let this. Take my glory. Yeah, it was like a big bummer for me. I think I, like, unfollowed her after that. Like, it was very heartbreaking.

What are you talking about? I'm sure she would love you. I don't know her that well, but she seems down the earth. No, it was really upsetting and weird. And I just had to, oh, no. Look, I think this is all in your head. Are you still hurt by that? Me?

Yeah, I'm still bit. I'm upset. I'm not going to lie. I still love her, though. I think she's hilarious. I mean, it would be hard not to love her still because she's so good. but whatever. Whatever.

If you ever know her, you can ask her for me now. Well. I honestly, we've barely crossed paths, but it's so funny that you're bringing her up today because I made a joke to her today

about us hosting the Oscars together. And are you gonna? I mean, that would be the best Oscars ever. I think it would be funny. And I was like, I texted her. I was like,

maybe we should host the Oscars together. You can call me Tina if you want. And she like made a joke or whatever. But I don't really know her. Like I met her one time we were sat at a table together at some random award show. And she was like from across the table like giving me shit like yelling at me or something. And I was like drunk or I don't know like what was going on. But I felt like we had like an instant like dynamic.

Yeah, she likes you. But I never hung out of there. I mean, you have her number. You can text her. Can you ask her about the Romeo and Michelle post it comment? Yes. Should I ask her right now? Can you?

Can you face time? No, I'm scared. If you guys really did host together, though, that would be amazing. And I think it's... I'm an Oscar later. That's your new hobby anyway. I was about to say, like, let people know that's your hobby. Yeah, you're putting it out there.

Well, I did the last live hosting gig before the pandemic was me. So I hosted the 2020 Indy Spirit Awards and that was it. That was it. Because that year, the Oscars were hostless. Right. That was the first year that that was. That was the first year the Oscars went hostless. And so I kept joking like, I'm the last host in the history of hosts.

But apparently, yeah. But then apparently this year, they're bringing back a host. But they don't know who's going to be. I think you just put it out there in the universe. And I think Dandelion could do a little ritual and make it happen. Make it happen. Okay, Dandelion. Can you hear me?

Did she name herself? Or is that like her birth name? She, no, she. She's like given it. by like. She was given the name on some like island from like a shaman or something and it was like a moment where she was like

oh I've just received like my witch name but she's a fourth generation witch from Tennessee whatever that means. I mean I get it. I wonder what your witch name would be. I don't know. Dandelion can give you one. Aubrey means ruler of the elves

which I think. Slightly witchy. We're born into it. ruler of the elves. Is that really the meaning of your name? What sign are you? Yeah, it's cancer. Yeah, it is. It's really weird. Look it up. It's like everyone else's

name means like gift from God. And then mine's just like female lamb or something. Oh, I love lamb. It's like olive branch. Olive branch. Olive branch. Ranch dressing? Olive branch. That would be dope if it was like my name, my name means the best thing

ever. I wish my name fucking man ranch dressing. Oh, I have you so excited. Oh my God. Just call me ranch dressing. That is my witch name. Oh my goodness. Off the rails once again.

How is married life? When people ask that, honestly, for me, I felt like it did change things a little bit. Yeah, because you're not allowed to leave. I felt in power. Maybe that's why I've never been married. I never got married. I was in a long-term relationship, but we never got married. You were never married?

No, I thought you were. No, we were never married. Honestly, marriage to me, I thought I would never be married either. It was never something that we really cared about. But I grew up really Catholic. So, like, sometime along the way that went out the window. But, like, it does feel different. But, you know, we waited, obviously.

When you were like, oh, maybe, hey, it should get married. Like six o'clock, let's get married. Had you ever been engaged? No. I know. Well, this one time, a lot of the things we do are like for a joke, but then the joke becomes real. So one time we got engaged. That's a joke. And it was the craziest thing ever because it was a year before we got married.

and we were in Spain and this is all coming back to witches. We were staying in the north of Spain at this hotel called Akalare and we had dinner at their restaurant the first night. And the first thing they brought me at the dinner was this butter that had a devil goat head

like burned into the butter or something. It was like demonic butter. And it had like a devil-satan devil-head like, but on the butter and as like a pattern or something. But it was really fancy butter. But I was like, looking at it, like, why is there like a fucking devil goat head in my butter?

And so then we asked the waiter like, what's going on to steam in butter? And he was like, A collare, it means a witch's coven. And I was like, what? He was like, this is where you're staying. The witch is coven. And I was like, I didn't know.

I didn't know because I was drawn to this hotel. I had no idea. Then he went on to tell us that in that area, which is like in the Basque region of Spain and southern France, there was a town called Tsugada Merdi, which it was like the site of one of the largest witch executions in like European history. And unlike Salem witch trials, which, you know, was a couple hundred witches, I think that got burned at the stake, like a couple hundred. there were thousands of witches that got burned and killed in this town to guard in Marendy and he was like, it's very close to here

and I was like, we're going on our vacation so we fucking drove there and it was crazy, it's this like little town in the middle of nowhere there's a cave and you like go into this cave and there's a river that runs through the cave

called the River of Hell and that's, I guess, where, like, a lot of the witches were, like, killed and, like, killed in this river of hell or something. And so I was, like, in the river, like, looking for rocks because I like to collect rocks. And so I was, like, knee deep in the river of hell, like, my hands and I turned around and Jeff was on his knees. That's a big dreams. He proposed me. in the river. Yeah.

Are you crying? No. I had an allergy. I knew that when you were saying that somehow you were going to be in the river. I didn't know why, but I knew you were going to be in it. I was wet. I had wet like river hell rocks like dripping in my fingers. Well, he proposed.

And he was like, yeah, basically. Did he have an actual ring or it was a joke and he didn't? No, he didn't. Oh, he did. That's not very funny. No, he waited until you were knee-deep in the room. That's funny. But, I mean, like, it wasn't like a joke.

He was dead serious about marrying you. I was not expecting him to, yeah. He had his mother's ring. He had his mother's ring. I guess his mother had given him a ring at some point and was like, marry her. And you said, but. And you said, no. Yes.

And he was like, stop on. Yeah, he just went for it. I mean, unexpected, because we didn't even know we were going to Zucgada Merida. It was like this new thing. So I don't even know. He didn't plan that. I guess. No, I don't know if like, I honestly, I don't know.

I don't want to know. No. The story's better this way. Was there energy at the river? It just happened that way. Like, could you feel, like, did it have like energy? Did you feel something? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it was, it was dark. It was dark. Beautiful. Did you keep the rocks? Do you have the rock? Yeah, we have all, we have rocks. Like, we were like a little like hobbit house. We have like all kind of like for everywhere you go. Yeah, like little like this is a jar of rat skulls. Where'd you get those rat skulls? Those are real rat skulls. Yeah. Where'd you get them? I think honestly, and I'm not making this up, I'm pretty sure Dandelion did that because I didn't collect me. Really?

She leaves little... Those are one of the gifts, but she leaves. I wonder what that... What's that? What does it mean? What is? Feathers? I don't know.

I have all these like oddities, but check this. That weed? Hey, girl. Go think it is. You just want to see some crazy shit. Wait, I had to show you this one thing. I'm sorry. You know, this is the podcast.

No, it's a show. I'll describe. But this is worth it. No, this is worth it. Ready? Okay, can you see that? Yes. It's a big bush of some sort.

It's a branch. A branch. It's a branch. And it is, if you can tell, it goes up to the ceiling. Yeah. Oh, is that weed? Yeah. No, it's not.

Did you grow that? Yes. My neighbor's stitch. That's amazing. That's a beautiful site right there. That's pretty. It's just a tree growing in my living room. No big deal.

No big deal. But it's actually a magic. No, it's not. No, no, it's not growing. It's dried out. It's dried out. My neighbors brought it over to me and they dry it out in their barn. It sounds like you have a good community where you are.

I mean, you've got a win. You're about growers. Like a commune. Do you live on a commune? It's like kind of becoming that way. But not yet. We're not there. Do you still live where you used to when you would, I'm not going to say what I do.

I do. But I got to. a different place up up north. No, I'm like up north. I'm in the northern wilderness of California. Oh, wait. So am I. I mean, I still live in L.A. too. But you have a place. Is that where you are right now?

You're up north? Yeah. And an undisclosed location. But Dandelion lived in L.A. Like, that was an L. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. This is very fascinating to me. I feel like I need a dandelion. Yeah. Everyone needs a dandelion. But I want to know what the rots

Like, does she give it to me? She doesn't explain it? No, she just, like, leaves little trinkets and gifts and skulls. Do she have you do? I remember when I called Rachel's mom once, I used to have these really bad dreams at night where I felt like someone was watching me. And it was only from, like, one corner of the room. And it was just this fucked up feeling.

And I called Rachel's mom, and she's like, you need to put Epsons salt in the corner. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She didn't help me with my fucking nightmares when I was a kid. What's your mom's name? My mom is Jan. Her witch name is...

No, she doesn't have one. She doesn't have a witch name. She's from Philly. She grew up super Catholic. Dude, I'm from right near Phil. I know. You know, we vacation in a town, and I can see Delaware from it, and I always think of you, because she's the only person I've ever known from Delaware.

But, yeah, I always see it, and I think of you. But, yeah, she's from Philly, grew up super Catholic, but then, like, rebelled. and got really into spirituality and all that stuff. I love that. Yeah. So we grew up in a very open house. But you didn't grow up. Where did you?

Here, L.A. Cool. Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay. She did too. That's why we know each other. You guys grew up together. Yeah.

I know. Yeah. It's a long, long friendship. Long time. I like, I'm still friends with a lot of people that I grew up with. Are you? Are they still in Delaware? Yeah.

Yeah. Some of them are in Delaware. some of them are in New York, like one friend that I grew up with that's like still one of my best friends lives in Brooklyn. And then I have a couple friends that are in L.A.

that I actually like have been working with a little bit. Like we're developing an animated show and we all met at the same community theater that I met the Swedish kid. But yes. Yeah. I love that. I still have.

Yeah. A lot of my friends, yeah. I've known since like forever. Did you make good friends out in L.A.? Because I know that us being from here it was never hard. But I feel like a lot of people that move to L.A. Find it hard to make, like, good, solid friendships.

I think I got really lucky, like, early on on parks because of Amy, Polar and Rashida Jones. Like, they kind of took me under their wing. And obviously, I had no idea what was going on. And I didn't, I don't know. I think I, like, early on just didn't understand that when you work on something, like, it's like just work and everyone is like friends but then when it's over everyone just like goes off and does their thing or something and I it took me a while to like understand that because I would just get really attached to people and be like we're best friends forever and then

it'd be over and they'd be like bye and I'd be like but what about this but yeah but I think I got lucky because I worked with a lot of like women that I really liked like you obviously Like, I feel like, even though, you know, I haven't seen you in years, but it's like, I feel like we're still friends. I know, you can text me. We're doing that movie in Vancouver. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah.

So, yeah, I feel like I have definitely meets really good friends. Yeah. Yeah. You know, Alia Shaka. I was just going to say, yeah. She, oh, yeah, duh, from the. Yeah, but you and you were good friends with her. The to-do list.

I was good friends with her before the to-do list. And then she is my neighbor. She, like, totally coincidentally. yeah, we live next door to each other. Oh, you're lucky. No, in L.A. I was going to say, because that's really, right? Yeah.

Yeah, in L.A. So, yeah, it was a total coincidence. Like, when I bought my house, she was like, I live there. Our property lines touch. And I was like, jackpot. So, like, that was cool. That's awesome. And it was fun, actually, during the quarantine

because she was one of the only people, like, I would see in person. You know, when everybody was, like, super locked down. I would just, like, walk over there. And we'd, like, sit on her deck and, like, smoke and catch up. That's my dream. Like we want to have a commune. We're like if we could live next door to each other and all help with the shit.

Rob wants to know if you met. What do you want to know, Rob? I'm just throwing Rob. Rob, what did you ask? Alia came on an armchair this week. Yeah. So we just saw her. Oh, she was.

But we wanted, yeah, if you were hanging out with Brad Pitt during lockdown. No, I wasn't. But I, my life was affected by that too, you know, because the fucking paparazzi, which I know you have dealt with your whole life, but like I never dealt with that stuff. Like that was not like no one cares about the fuck I'm doing. But because of that, because I live next door to Alia, they would park.

I'm sure she would talk about this already, but they would park and wait for Alia. And then they realized that I lived there. So like I was like their sloppy thirds basically. We also like, seriously. They're like, we'll take her. If you Google like don't, please don't. But if you Google, if you Google like Aubrey, like Aubrey walking her dogs, I'm telling you,

there are hundreds of photos every single day of me walking my dogs in disgusting suits. I'm flipping them off. I, at one point, I have, I was wearing masks that say like, go away. Like that kind of stuff. because I couldn't leave my house, but he's finding out. Yeah, he's finding them all up.

They're everywhere. Like there should be a tie-dye because your husband. It's mostly that. It's like, Oh, your dogs are so cute. There's dark moments. You can see the trajectory of the entire barringing. You're not lying.

There's like a hundred different outfit. I'm telling you, there could be a book made that is just me walking my dogs because of Brad Pitt and Alia because he lived also in the same neighborhood. So they would just park on the main street. And then wait for all of us. Yeah. And I would be like, Alia, this needs to stop. And she'd be like, dude, I don't know what to do.

Like, it was crazy. Just like a pit or the paparazzi. I'm going with Pitt. Yeah. I mean, but I would go up to their windows and be like, I know you're not here for me. So stop doing me. Do them. Right.

And they'd be like, well, they're an actor. So, you know, whatever. Like, fuck off. And I'm like, well, fuck you too. Like, I don't know. So many things. I think we should make the coffee table book. Yeah.

It's so good. Because people like dogs, you know. It's rough, though. Those photos. I don't, I'm not someone that like thinks to dress myself when I go out to walk my dogs. I just like don't. Yeah. And it's not cute.

That takes an extra effort and type of person that gets ready. But that's the type of person that like goes on a plane and heels and a skirt. Yeah. We were just talking about this. Like people that dress up for planes. Like when I see. that. I'm just like, why? I can't. But I also like, I will say, I feel like the New Yorker in me does respect the, just the idea of like dressing up to go out or to go on a, like, you know,

there's like a romantic, like old-fashionedy vibe of like dressing nicely on a plane. Those days are over. So, but in that spirit, I'm into it. But in the spirit of like, I'm doing this in case I got like photographed in the fucking terminal or whatever. Like. I can't. I'm too focused on like wellness and like oils that I'm right. And like I'm too like focus on supplements or like spring things up my nostrils so that I don't get sick or like it's more like yeah. I'm like. It's more about the wet wipes and the yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm with you. But like more for me is when like the skin and like the skin touching the seats. Like I'm just like anything exposed. That's my bigger issue. But I couldn't walk in heels that. No. I with the luggage. But. you, how you have your dog pictures like that, I have like airport pictures like that. Like, because that's me, like the most horrendous, sleeping, like horrific. Yeah. I remember flying once. I was doing a movie and we were shooting out. Do you know Doug Lyman, the director? Yeah, yeah.

He's like an amazing, passionate man and like always, always going, right? Yeah. We were and Rob has really lovely pictures of me at the airport. Okay. We have our coffee table book, both of the us like just side by side. And I was sleeping. We were like flying a long flight to like Italy or something. I was sleeping and I woke up with his camera in my face like a red like for the film to use in a movie. And it was like a bigger movie like a bunch. And just woke up. Yeah. With the camera in my face. Like no, this is you going. I'm like my clothes don't matter. It didn't matter. No. The man is. I don't think it was used. But he did do it. He's a very passionate. I've fucking love Doug. I'm obsessed with him. Oh my God. I would have punched him in the face.

You probably would have. But that just goes to show I am not the lady ready on an airplane or ever. Fuck. Fuck me too. No, definitely not. No. Nope. Took my kid in my pajamas and slippers this morning to school.

And she's like, Mom, you didn't even change your shoes. I was like, well. I know. And living in L.A. has only made that like worse for me. Because at least like when I lived in New York, I did have like some sense of like I can't be, you know, wearing my pajamas on the subway or whatever. But those days are, yeah. L.A. is like anything goes. I can wear PJs. Or get married in tie-dye PJs. Or exactly. Right. Exactly. I feel like the pandemic like helped that too. Like after the pandemic,

everyone's like nobody was like we don't ever have to put shoes on again or clothes or. Well, it's just comfort became a priority. It's like we might as well be comfortable. Yeah. Right. If we're all going to die, we might as well die in comfort. Yeah. I mean, I'm, yeah, I've always been that one. I'm not afraid to say it or show it or spray it. Yeah. I think you, but you have, you have always had like comfort and style. I feel like you're like a good aspirational like comfort style person. I do like to be comfortable, but I like, yeah, I like clothes. Yeah, I really, but you have an effortless style. Like, you never seem like it's like you're trying to do. It just seems like, yeah. I appreciate that. I really liked our clothes in the to-do. because 90s was pretty fun. I know. I love it.

I'm wearing like a G-string leotard with leggings doing like step aerobics at one point. Yeah. I feel like you were just always wearing like a bra and like a mini skirt or something. Yeah. Doing the Roger Rabbit and like a bra and a mini skirt. Like we're teaching you to do the Roger Rabbit. Oh man. That was fun.

I know. Yeah. We need to have some kind of screening. How long has it been? I feel like, I don't even know, maybe 10 years, the to do list. Do you want to see when it came out? I feel like 2011. Maybe I'm making that out.

Really? So we missed the day. Oh, it came out in 2013. Oh, my God. So, 2023. 10 years. We'll do our 10 year screening party. That would be awesome.

But just you two, right? Me, you. Alia. No, that cast was like stacked. It was. Childish Gambino can do a set. Dude, right? Scott Porter.

I'm still friends and I did a show, you know, with him. Love Scott. Yeah. I don't think. A traitor. Andy Sandberg. That's right. Chris Furman's class.

Johnny Simmons. It was a huge cast. Like, there were a lot of people in that. You know Bill and I dated, right? What? Are you serious? That's why when I wrote that to you in the text, I was like, I don't know if Aubrey actually knows this.

No. You didn't know that? No. Oh my God. I don't know shit. I don't know anything. Well, stop it. I know.

I swear to God. Like two years ago. Right when the pandemic hit. I went with him to the fucking golden globes. But your character is dated in the movie. And we wound up dating. I know. Oh my God.

I have the weirdest compliment that you can totally take out if this is weird. But. I've never even thought this about someone. I know. It's starting really strange because it's kind of strange. You know what I really like about your face is that it looks constantly. Like it almost feels like you're always on the verge of an orgasm. Oh my God.

I know. It's not weird. It's like the weirdest. It's like something really good is always about to happen. Okay. I mean, probably no one's ever said that, right? No. That's new.

No. That's new. That is new. That is definitely, I've never heard that before. I'll take it though. Yeah. Do you get what I mean? Yeah.

You get what she means? I mean, you always look like you're just like yes to life. It's like there's a secret and something good about to happen that you're not going to tell us about. So it's like an orgasm. It's like, Rob, do you get what I mean? I think that has to do with me. don't ask Rob. He's like, yeah.

He's like, yeah, I get it. I feel like that has something to do with my like repress, like Catholic upbringing or something. I don't know. Like the shame that I carry with me. It could be. So much shame. So much fucking shame. I don't know.

It doesn't feel shamy though. It just feels like something good. Okay. I'll take it. All right. You have that. All right. Arby, are you ready to play a game with us?

Yes. Do you prefer, well, fuck Mary kill is what we usually do. Whatever you want. We also do Mary. No. We also do Bang Mary Barry. If it's like if fuck Mary Kill is too harsh. Oh, I don't really care.

I had a feeling you wouldn't. I'm scared. You should be scared. Okay. Jason Momoa. You know who he is, right? Yeah. Okay.

John Malaney. Okay. And Bill Hater. Dick. Okay. I have to think about this. Okay, what is it? Fuck Mary.

Okay. I would kill Bill Hater. And I'll tell you why. Yeah. And I'm not afraid to say this, Bill. I saw him on a plane and he did this joke that he thought was really funny

but my pet peeve is like that thing that people do where like that joke quote unquote joke that people do where like you're like hey can you hand me that pen and they go no and you're like ha ha ha ha

hand me the pen and then they're like okay and I'm like you just wasted like a couple seconds of my fucking life with whatever. Anyway, why am I talking? Okay, Bill, you know what you did, Bill, on the plane. I'm going to leave it at that. I asked him to put my fucking, hand me my goddamn overhead luggage, and he wouldn't do it.

And the plane was packed, and I know he was doing a bit, but the plane was packed, man. And I couldn't make my way back to the bin to get my bags, and he wouldn't give it to me. And I'm pretty sure Billy Crystal was on the flight and a bunch of other high-profile people that were watching this go down. It was very humiliating. So jokes on you, buddy. Fuck Bill Hater. Sorry.

Kill Bill. Okay. I would marry. Wait, what was the other ones? Jason. John Maloney. Okay. Kill Bill.

Mary. I guess I would, wait, Mary or fuck. Damn. I guess I would like, honestly, I would fuck Malaney

just because like I don't know I feel like we have like similar like kind of is he Catholic? I don't know maybe it's the Irish repress Irish so there's a I feel like there'd be like

a lot of like hate shame and hatred and just something there and then the other one I guess because I care the least about him I'll marry him that makes perfect sense yeah Because then you can leave if you want.

Jason Mamawa. Right, right, right, right, that guy. Yeah, I don't know. I don't, I'm not like, I don't know much about that guy, but I wish him well. And he seems like, he seems like a good, solid, like married husband kind of guy. I don't know. There we go. He seems like you would, you could be like, can you, hey, can you like raise the kids while I'm over here and he'd be like, I got it, babe?

He seems capable. Yeah. Very strong. Very strong. Like he'd be like the guy that can move the thing. Yeah. The guy that could get your luggage for you. Yeah. He wouldn't be leaving me hanging about the luggage. I don't know. Did he ever get the luggage? No, he didn't. Then that's not a bit. That's what I was saying for myself for hours after. I was like, it wasn't a bit because he never got it. I had to go and let everybody else pass me. And then I had to go back. That is some fucked up. shit my luggage. I know, dude. It was a dark, dark day. But I'm pretty sure Sally, I want, I could be making this up, but I'm pretty sure Sally Field and Billy Crystal were also in

first class. I'm pretty sure they were watching. But I could have made this fantasy up in my head. Maybe it never happened. Maybe it never. No, I think it did. I think it did. I love what he did. Yeah. Okay. I loved. I just. loved talking to you because I love you and I'm so happy that I got to see you. I love you too. And talk to you. I know. And I want to see you soon. Touch you. Touch you through the lens. I know. Come do a reading. Yeah. Let us know when you're, you know, when you're around. Hit me up. I will. I'll be back soon. Yeah. And we should set up for real. We should, we should be the spearhead, this to do list thing. But we should make it really dark and like some kind of like game where everyone needs to like. survive the night or something.

I don't know. Like squid games. Everyone loves that. No one's getting out of here a virgin. I don't know. Everyone loves that. I've never seen it. You haven't seen it?

Oh, Lord. It's twisted. Oh, man. Yeah, don't do it. I will. Oh, thank you. Yeah, and with that. Have a wonderful day.

Have a wonderful evening. And just like that. And just like that. All right So you guys have not heard that Father John Misty song? I don't think I have, but I do I am aware of the video.

Like I can picture her in it. Because I just showed you. I have a big recollection. I have a big recollection of her in a music video. No, but Olivia was in a music video. Why are you bringing that back up? What music video?

Yeah. It was a simple plan music video. Number one on TRL at the time. Now, TRL. Yeah, do you remember TRL? Have you ever heard of TRL, Rob? I know they were Canadian.

I don't know if they were Christian. It didn't feel Christian what I was doing in the music video. I'm thinking of Story of the Year. No. They were very similar band. Simple plan. And, you know, I got to say, as a child, that was my dream, was to be the girl in a music video. What song was it?

Literally. Your love is a lie. What do you do in the video? We're about to find out. I know. I'm like, I forget. I make out with a guy. I'm cheating on the lead singer and he like catches me and he's very distraught about the fact that my love is a lie.

But here's the good news about doing that music video. That was my dream as a kid. I get it. To be the girl in the video. For sure. I did it. There was only maybe three people on the earth. I cared if they saw that music video.

Who were they? I'm not saying who they were, but they all contacted me. And we're like, oh, my gosh. I saw your music video. Look at her. Wait. Olivia. That's, oh my gosh, the outfit.

What year was, what did this have been? Oh, God. I have no idea. Look at her. That's, you know, listen, I did what I set out to do in this life. So you actually got. You've done your goal in life. Yeah, I'm done here.

It was 2008. It's been a while. 14 years. 14. Damn. But you made your goal. My goal still haven't done it. What is your goal?

Disney fucking princess. Oh, yeah. We fucked up by this guest, though. Yeah. This is our first non-Disney princess guest. Well, but she's a witch. And you know what? I will take a witch over a Disney princess.

Oh, you will? Will you? Well, today I will. Okay. Listen, I grew up with a mother who is very, Very witchy. Yes. Very witchy. And was always like, no, the witches and the, you know, pagan times and like the whole thing.

So. What was the weirdest witchy thing you've witnessed her do? She was not. See, that's exactly where your mind goes. Like, was she casting spells? And there was like a dead frog in this fucking, you know, pot on the stove. And it's not like, it's more about a powerful woman, really, right? But there are real witches.

No. there's real witches. I am not well educated enough on actual witchery. She tunes it out. She literally tunes it out and acts like it doesn't exist. I'll sit there and talk to Jan all day long about them. Teach me. I want to be a witch. But it's like my mom, you know, it's like the same thing where you don't want to talk to your mom about like, you know. Because everyone can relate to that. Everyone can relate to that. You don't want to talk to your mom about witchery. No, everyone does want to talk to their mom about, like, Elliot would give anything to talk about witchery with me, like Harry Potter type deals, you know? But that's a fantasy. I'd love to talk to my mom about witchery.

Yeah. You guys, witchery, the way you're picturing it, it's not like, oh, Harry Potter and spells. It's not the same thing. Then what is it? What is it? We're trying, we want you to teach us. I don't. No, I just, she told you I tune it out. I know it's not that. They're not riding around on broomsticks.

Well, I don't think either of us thought she was riding around. On a broomstick. Well, you know, stranger things have happened. But would she do, like, rituals, seances, that kind of vibe? Like, satanic? I don't know if she... No. But would she, like, sacrifice, like...

I don't think that... No. That was definitely not her journey. Okay. I think she just knows witches. But my mom always be like, I'm a witch. I'm a crone. You know, whatever.

I'm not going to lie. She said the other day, oh, my friend, so-and-so is coming over. Remember the witch from da-da-da-da. And I was like... But she's like a legit witch. And my mom, you know what? We could have her on and talk all about witchery and witches. And we will learn.

Because I cannot tell you. I wonder if she did some of it on you, which is why you're... She wiped my memory. Yeah. She's like literally wiped your memory. She's like, you will only remember. the positives. Well, I don't think that's true.

Oh, no, it didn't work, Jan. It did not work. No, she would go on, like, these crazy, like, excursions, like, you know, whatever. Mystery School. It was a school she went to. Oh, I looked at mystery school. Yeah.

I really did. And? It's a big mystery. I have no idea. I don't remember. I don't know. Yeah. I think she worked my brain, too.

I think it was a little culty, maybe. He was like just ayahuasca trip she would take. No. No. No, Iowalska wasn't even out then. The wedding I was at this weekend, the groom grew up in a cult. Oh, he did? Called the Source family, I think?

Sick. We need to talk to him. We could have Adam on. Yeah. So his mom was there. She's a trip. And, like, she went by, like, the name Elektra. We, I'm so.

Not now. This seems more than anything I've heard in the long time. A documentary on the Source family, and we should watch it because it's very curious. I cannot wait. We need to have him on. Father Yodd. Yep. Did you know this?

Did you always know this about him? I didn't know this. I didn't know this until I was given the best men's speech. Like, I read it. I saw it. You were supposed to be the best man? You gave the speech. I was the best man.

I was the best man. No, I read their speech before they did it. For them. I read what they wrote and I read it in there and I was like, huh. And I think maybe I knew that, but I kind of forgot. The spell. Right. The spell that you might put out of you.

I have so many questions. My memory was wiped by a horrific car accident that I had head trauma from at 14. Also, all the pot and whippets. Is that real? Yeah, that is real. Jaws of life and all. What was that? Well.

I don't think anyone knows about this. That's not true. I've talked about this. Haven't I? This is episode three of the podcast. I'm not sure. Well, I thought maybe... See, this is my memory. I'm like, what do you mean?

We did the whole first episode on this. My friends and I were at the beach hanging out with some not so good guys. Was it, like, the guy that just moved from Chino? Yeah. Chino would get very upset if you used that town in that way. Isn't that where... Yes, that was the wrong side of the tracks on the O-C. Yes.

Does Chino actually get mad about that? Chino, I think, was upset when the show came out. They were, like, painted as the wrong side. side of the tracks, you know. And they're not. And they were a little... So are you sure this happened? Or are you just remembering the TV show? Yeah, she's like... And there was this girl named Marissa with me. And this guy stole a car and crashed it.

No, we were at the beach and we were young and, like, doing what we should and, like, drinking. And apparently the dudes were on drugs and I didn't know. And on our way home, it was an Oxnard. And on our way home, the guy in the front seat was, like, turned around on his knees. And he was tickling the dude I was with. was like laying down in the back seat, right? And I was sitting up and he... This guy was driving and tickling the dude?

No, there was... My friend was driving. Her dude was turned around on the passenger seat, tickling my dude. And then all of a sudden, we're on PCH, Pacific Coast Highway. And he grabs the steering wheel, the guy in the front seat,

and yanks it. We're in a little Ford probe. I don't know if you know what that car is. It's super small. And a huge, like, Mack truck is coming. And it was a... a head-on collision now. My last memory is his hand

on the steering wheel. I don't remember a thing after that. I was like half like scalped. Like my scalp was like flapping. Disgusting. Oh, that's what that is. Yeah. That's why I look like this. I have an actually I do have a scar under here.

You can see. Whatever. I have a nasty scar. Like I have like little scars from the glass shattering and like black eye. But like the head trauma was really the main injury. And I black. out and I was helicoptered to the hospital. Everyone else was...

And the passenger seat guy was paralyzed. The guy on my lap was mentally disabled from it. And the driver, our friend, her foot basically just got so fucked up. She could like never dance again and she, like, love dancing.

So brutal. It was a gnarly accident. It was really like changing, brutal. It was Jaws of Life. Helicopter to the hospital. Yikes. Yeah. Yeah, and I don't remember anything. Do you remember waking up in the hospital? I vaguely remember, I had like a bandage around my head, you know?

Yeah. But like, I didn't remember anything. So I just went on like nothing, you know? And I remember smoking pot like right after the accident. Oh, geez. And like passing out. Oh, my God. Rachel.

Yeah, well, I know. But like, look, I was 14, you know, it was a lot of things I shouldn't have been doing. worse. It's making it sound worse. I was 14. 14. But let me tell you, if that accident hadn't happened, I would not have redirected my life because I was hanging out with the wrong fucking dudes. Okay? Let me tell you. This dude is in jail for life now. Yeah. The one that was in the backseat with me is in jail for life. Yes. Because of this incident? No. No. Well, I think his mind suffered a lot from what happened in that accident that his path, he didn't. have the opportunity mentally probably to turn his life back around.

He was not mentally capable of living in normal life after that. And he was already 18. And he was also already troubled. Very troubled. He was 18 hanging out with a 14-year-old. Yeah, well, there you go, right? There's one problem of many. Yeah.

Yeah, not going down the right track. So anyway, this accident really turned me around where I stopped hanging out with certain kinds of people. Yep. Thank God. Thank God. And I think about that now as a mom thinking of like. Like getting the call. I will.

Yeah. It was bad. 14 is a baby. A baby. I was way too young. Way too young. I started way too young. And that's why oftentimes she really truly does not remember things.

But she'll remember things from like far back from before the accident. Mm-hmm. but like anything else we're kind of playing catchup. Like photographic, sure. You know, anyone who listens to the OC podcast knows that I remember nothing from the show. But the weird thing is then you can also get a script and memorize a photographic memory and memorize your lines. I have an amazing photographic memory. If I see something, I'll remember like, you know, that is like sharp as fuck.

But no memory. Like remember when we were here? you did this and... Is it for everything or just everything before then? I think it's everything after that accident is more foggy. Like, I can remember things from... It's like after the accident, your brain stops storing it the same way. I think so.

Something. Something. You don't remember things from a month ago. No. What was a month ago? She doesn't. She doesn't. I don't either.

And I didn't. get in an accident. Well, then you're a mom and then it's like add that on top of it. Something happens to your brain and they say like, oh, mom brain or whatever. Like, that's real. My brain is gone. That's the COVID brain. Oh, you think? COVID and mom brain together and just like, just fucked. Good thing I don't rely too much on my brain guys. I don't. Well, yeah. It's mush. Just just your looks for the Simple playing music videos. Yes, I've always just gone off my looks.

No, I honestly try my best in life to not make any decisions from my head, but I go to my body because I think it has more valid information than the mind. I think the mind is a screwy thing to listen to. And when we cannot listen to it and listen to our body, we're usually guided in a more clear, precise manner. See, that all came from my body. I didn't need my head for that. See?

And that's where the answers are. That's how you channel. The body keeps the score. The body keeps the score. I do remember outfits, though. I can remember things by clothing. I always remember the clothing. I'll be like, I remember that night.

I was wearing your blue jacket. Remember when you were the Yankees? There's certain memories I have. By outfit. By outfit. Yeah. That stick out. I get it.

Like when we scaled. I wasn't there when they You talked about this, didn't we? Saying Disney Princess songs in the car without you? Yeah, they do a lot without me. And you know what? I don't care anymore. I have what's called J-O-M-O.

Do you know what J-O-M-O? Yeah. Get there quicker, Rob. You're not mom-brain or a car accident. My mentor taught him to me. She said, she said, I used to have foam. But now I have Jomo. It's the joy of missing out.

And so now when I see people do things, I used to get FOMO. Now I'm like, I'm so glad I'm in my pajamas in my bed. I'm so glad I wasn't there. Yeah. Like, oh, that looks so fun for them. I'm really glad I wasn't there. Every day. Yeah.

Is that age? Do you think that's age? Maybe. It has to be, right? Like, you get to a certain point and you're like, I don't need to be there. I'm just tired all the time. I walk in my door and instantly I put sweatpants on. The minute I get in my house.

The second I walk in my house. And I'm like, I'm not going anywhere. My pants are dropping in changing. Not in that way. The minute I walk in the house. I'm like, get me into clothesy clothes. Right now what I put on when I walked in the house yesterday. See, but I do.

That's what that smell is. Yes. I do multiple changes. Like, I go, I get home. What? Oh, yeah. At home, you do multiple changes? Multiple changes.

Because when I get home, I don't want to be in, like, my night pajamas because the kids might still want to go outside. Like, there's still things to do. I'm, like, cooking. So I put on sweats. But then when I go to bed, I change into pajamas. Well, what are your pajamas? They're pajamas.

Like proper pajamas. Pajamas. Do you say pajama or pajama? Pajama. Pajama. They're like really beautiful, gorgeous negligees. From Luna. Yeah.

Luna. Yeah. They're pajamas. I get like, you know, I have like matching pajamas set. Yeah, me too. Like you saw my pajamas last night. Hello. I get us matching.

Olivia Arlia and I have, I get us matching sets from T.J. Max. Oh, I can't wait to get mine. Oh, my God. I can't wait for you to get. Cheers. That's exciting. Yeah, we love a good matching pajamas. So you go straight to, I don't understand. You change into a set. Sounds like you never leave your sweats. I've never taken these off. I know. It's just pens. I don't love to sleep in sweats. Me neither. That's why they're like thick and like they get a little hot and they get tanked. They, they, they, they, what's the word I'm looking for? They creep up your leg. Can't deal. It's very uncomfortable. Yeah. So yes, I will take.

But if I'm so tired and I have, this is the new thing. What? Because I have to get brighter to school in the morning and I'm like, you know what? I'm already dressed. Like, that's one thing I can take away in the morning while I'm like, multitasking. The morning, hustle and bustle. So I'm like, I don't have to fucking get dressed. I'm ready to get her ready for school and we walk out the door because I'm in my sweatsuit.

But I can't sleep in a sweatsuit because the thing's not comfortable. I will have a bad night. That's why you're not sleeping good, Rachel. You need to take your pants off. Did you know for years? Okay, this is really important information. For years and years and years, I would go to sleep. I would change into my pajamas. And finally, my mom was like, I can't believe you sleep in your underwear. And I was like, what do you mean? I can't sleep in underwear. I was like, what does that mean? She's like, you sleep in a G string. And I was like, yeah. Like, obviously, I sleep in my underwear. You take your underwear off. She's like, I take my underwear off. And I was like, that's. weird. I 1,000% have to take my underwear off. Yeah, but then I thought that was creepy. And I was like, she's like, if you don't want to just take your underwear off, you know you could put on full but underwear. Oh, no, no. Well, well, let me tell you. Okay. Oh, my God. I took off

those G-strings to sleep. I'd been sleeping in G-strings for like 20 years. Yeah, that's not chill. No. I got myself a lot of full-but underwear. You know what? I got full blood underwear from having a baby and recovering from surgery and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, let me give these a try. Well, now I realize that you don't have to suffer with a G-string. You could put on full-butt underwear. Here's why.

Here's why. Here's why. They're amazing. They're delicious. They're delicious. Here's why, though, I don't wash my pajamas every time I wear them. So if you take off your underwear and you're sleeping with the pajamas. I totally get that.

I totally get that. I don't wear the same pajamas twice in a row. So I have a problem when I'm on vacation. Oh, see, you need full butt underwear. Hell no. I can't wear full blood underwear. I can't wear them. I can't wear them to sleep.

Like, unless you're like dealing with something, you're on your period, you need a fucking pad or whatever. Oh, speaking of periods. I'm getting mine. No, I know you're getting yours, but you did have me try those period underwear. Hey, Rob, is this fun? It's true. Period. Underwear. My friend Brandt turned me on to them. Yeah, no, I'm a fan now. They're fucking amazing. They're the only thing I will wear and they're full butt.

I hate, if I walk out of the house to go somewhere public and I have full butt underwear on, I feel like I'm walking out of the house naked. But you know that someone's the thing. I change my underwear, though. Like, I get home. Yeah. Put on my sweats, do my thing. No, I get home. I put on my sweats with my full butt underwear. No. And then I sleep in them. And then I take them off. But no period. No period. No full butt. That hands down. You sleep better. I'm happy for you. I can't sleep in a G-string. I don't sleep in underwear. But I was sleeping up my ass for like 20 years. Yes. That was not a good. That was not a good call. You wash your pajamas every time you wear them. I don't wash them. I just have a lot of pajamas. She throws them away. She throws them away.

She's done clothes. No, I just, you know, I can't. I cannot. First of all, I cannot wear full butt underwear. Cannot do it. I wore them today with jeans to my class. Full butt? Full butt fucking underwear.

You could do that and it doesn't make you feel. I can't do it. Cannot do it. Only a G-string and nothing with pajamas. I want you to know these are cute underwear. Except that some. One, I told you what Jeff said. What?

He was like, I think this pola underwear has gotten like a little out of line. He's like, are those your actual grandma's underwear? Did she like get those teeth? I was like, I looked down and I lost it. And I was like, I might have taken it too far. Yeah. They're like, I get it. But if you're going to go there, like after a baby, I had the most like atrocious, like, granny panties.

Well, after the baby, I was. I stole all the ones from the hospital. Oh. Well, you had the surgery. Yeah. Yeah, but those things were, those were the move. No underwear cannot sleep in them. Full butt underwear cannot wear them.

Yeah, G-string with clothes and nothing with pajamas. Yeah. But you're not like no underwear with clothes, right? No. Well, a lot of people are. Yeah, I'm that way. Are you free-balling? No, no, only a G-string.

What is Natalie's thing? Nobody knows, huh? I don't. Nobody knows. Maybe she doesn't want people to know. I don't know. She has both. But you don't know if she, does she sleep in?

I don't think it's one or the other. She'll wear full butt underwear with pants and... Yeah. But will she sleep in a phone? No, I think she just, she's got like silk pajamas that she sleeps in. What a sexy little bitch. What a life you have, Rob. Jammas.

I heard once like, I was doing a whole other episode right now. Basically. Sorry, Aubrey. Oh, yeah, Aubrey. Aubrey would be into this conversation, I feel like. Yeah, text her and see what kind of. Do you sleep in full butts or G strings or nothing at all? But you know what?

These are great questions. No, but like these are the unanswered questions of the world. Like the Big Bang theory. Like everyone, everyone, do you sleep in full butts, G strings or none at all? That is the age-old question. I mean, I felt freedom. I have a friend that can only wear full butts and I'm like, what?

Yeah. With clothes? Yeah. No. Yeah. But you can't do that. No. Because you have VPL.

Visible panting line. Oh, VPL. I was like vagina plump. Lips. Oh, my God. I lost it today. What? Because so I'm doing this acting workshop, right?

And they, they're, you're lying on the floor. And he takes you through this whole thing. It's great, right? And then he tells me, he doesn't tell me anything. This is Shai LaBuff, right? This is not Shia LaBuff. I now need to investigate Shia LaBuff's acting class. So anyways, he's like, okay, you know, he takes you through this like breathing exercise.

And then he's like, okay, laugh it out. And everyone just, like, starts laughing. And I started thinking of you and our contagious, like, laughter when we have, like, random contagious laughter. We had it at house of pies once, like, 20 years ago. And we still go to that for. Yeah, for, for, for, but it wasn't coming. And I was like, oh, fuck.

So I thought of what Zach said last night. What did he say? I told him, my husband went to Burning Man and he said, did he join a pussy eating con? And I was hearing that in my head. And he's laughing. I couldn't stop laughing. And then I couldn't stop laughing. And then when it was over and he's like, okay, you're going to let that settle now.

I was like, I'm not. I'm not going to let off laughing. I don't know why I just brought that up or where that came from. Well, because we said VPL. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You said the P word and I went. Straight to pussy eating contest.

That's pretty good. Isn't it? Yeah. And I was like, wait, is that a thing at Burning Man? Then she starts spiraling and spinning out that it's real. Oh, my goodness. It gave me a good laugh, though. That's so good.

Oh, well, she probably like, you know, before I have to go to bed, talk to Aubrey. This is the end. This is after. This is a really long intro. Oh, my God. She just went fucking on this. I was so down for it.

We're just going to take this over. Guys. We had a wedding in Josh's street, and it was so hot. And I was stuck in a bunk bed in a room that used to be a garage with no air conditioning. You guys, I came down off the top bunk one morning. Yeah. Because it was so hot. Heat rises, you know.

Thank you for that. And I came down and see I was in the bottom bunk. And I just looked at all like, oh. It was like, I'm sorry. I was like, we gotta go.

Oh my goodness. I'm delirious. So anyway, my point being is I'm delirious. I haven't slept now in four days because we did not sleep there. And then when I got home, I didn't sleep. Gertie decided.

keep me up all night, my dog. I think we've covered very important things. The underwear thing is huge. It's going to make a lot of people feel good and give them a lot of things to talk about with their friends and family. Well, now I think whenever we have someone on, we ask the question.

I want to know. And I want to know if, hey, yeah. There's a lot of other things I want to know, but I'll save it. Fuck Mary Kill or Mary Barry one night stand. Not instead of. I mean, in addition to, fine. Fine. Okay.

And then we can ask them. Full butter cheese. The one you fuck. Are you in full butt or are you in G string? Or are you none? Well, I guess you have to be none. Oh, geez. Must you put it to the side.

Someone turned my mic off. That was a hate gum podcast.