Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Bobby Lee

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

This week’s guest is hilarious comedian, actor and podcaster Bobby Lee! This raunchy conversation is sure to make you laugh, as Rachel, Olivia and Bobby talk about nudes, sex-etiquette, porn addiction and more. Olivia and Bobby role play on a dating app and cover dating deal breakers, and Bobby shares about his current breakup and sobriety. Enjoy!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast on HBO Max, or, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to broad ideas. You guys never come in when I say that. Do you want us to like do that in a chorus?

Yeah. What do you want us to do? On the count of three. One, two, three. Welcome to broad ideas. I knew Rob wasn't going to do it. And then, of course, Olivia did it. Anyways, hi guys.

Hey. Hey. Hi. We've been trying to get this person on for a while. Since before we started the podcast. The only reason I started the podcast was to get him on. I met Bobby Lee, like, I want to say 17 years ago, ish, when he was on Mad TV. I felt in love with him then.

He is hilarious, awesome person, and he actually came out and agreed to speak with us, Broads and Rob here in the Broad Box. I like that this is sticking. This name. Yeah. Should it? Don't give us your opinion because it'll hurt my feeling. Yeah. So he has his podcast, Tiger Belly. He's much better at podcasts than we are. Podcasts. Does I say podcasts? I think it's podcasts. Thanks, Rob. Before we bring in Bobby, you guys, please follow, rate, review, broad ideas.

Tell your friends. Tell your friends. It is a pretty fun time. I'm not going to lie. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, that would be awesome. We would appreciate the support so much. Bobby already subscribed because we made him right now. Okay. We made him take out his phone. And we did it for him on his phone. Let's welcome Bobby Lee. Sometimes when inside of least thoughts are swirling round and round inside to join us on this journey as we take a little ride. We'll talk about dogs and kids. Because people We'll talk about chicks

And tampon strings We'll talk about boys Because people die I like big digs So do we Welcome to broad ideas, Bobby You like big I don't love it too big

I'm not gonna lie I don't like it too What's the longest? The longest? The longest? Yeah, I mean it could be thin Like a noodle But like in terms of length

But I feel like The girth is way more important than the length I love it. Thank you. You're welcome. Because mine's like a spam can. But it doesn't have the length. That's an interesting shape.

Thank you, thank you. It's square? It's square. It's got one of those weird tools that you have to. Okay. Can opener? Yeah. It's salty.

It's salty. Yeah, I hate my penis. It's colored weird. What do you mean? So is it actually like the inside of spam can? No, it's like, like she keels O'Neil's penis. Oh, okay. The same color.

Like super dark. I haven't seen shacks lately, so I am. Maybe that was, maybe a different, like, Gary Coleman. Okay. Like, he's my height. He's dead, though, right? Yeah. Well, he did?

He died? So is it the color of dead dick or is it a live dick? Yeah, it's gray. It's gray. Like, do you remember E.T. when he was sick in the river? Yes. Yeah, that's what the color is. Like the glow is on.

Like his finger. You remember he was about to die? Yeah. Yeah, the whole thing, yeah. Oh. Maybe I'll bleach you. I don't know. Is that how you start?

How do you start? Yes, this is how we start. This is how we start. You don't go welcome to the pot. No, no, don't worry about that. You know, you know this stuff. Unless you want to do that. Well, I mean, this is your thing.

You know, I'm just here as a guest, you know. Yeah. Yeah, but we want to, you can teach us. But there's no music or anything. Would you like some music? All of that happens in post. Oh, you do the post. Rob, yeah.

Rob, yeah. Why are you grabbing your breasts like that? I don't know. I just like holding you. It's really weird. Yeah, stop. Why are you doing that? I don't know.

I was holding my bra straps. Oh. Yeah. Is that what it was? It wasn't my breast. Oh. Well, you have a nice breast. Thank you.

Yeah. I appreciate that. From your vantage point. Yeah. From my vantage point. Yeah. I just got out of a nine-year relationship. Nine years is a long time.

Yeah. I just feel like I'm going to die alone. No. I just don't know how to do the day. Like when I go to the apps, I text and, you know, on the app match with somebody and they don't respond to me. I'll go, hi, Kate. And then the, just the ghost.

Silence. Yeah. I think I'm doing it wrong. Well, what apps are you on? Oh, I'm on. Hinge, Bumble, Raya, Tinder, coffees and bagel and something. Oh, yeah.

Is that a thing? Yeah, yeah. Bagels and coffee or something? Yeah, yeah, what is that? It's just another dating app. Is it a Jewish one? No. Wait, I feel like...

Maybe that's where I fucked up. Because I never get any matches there. You're on black people meet.com? Yeah. I shouldn't do that, right? Not that one. There's no... They should have one.

called Ching Chong for Asians. But are you really not killing it? Bobby, maybe you should start one. One called Ching Chong. But I feel like white dudes, because white dudes love Asian girls. They do. And I don't want to, can you do one? We're like, no white dudes.

This is only for Asians, or does that sound? I feel like you can do anything you want. Well, especially to white dudes right now. Like, I think if anyone starts anything, they could just be like, and no white dudes, and everyone will be like, yeah. Oh, right. Right? It's like your time if you want to do it.

Tantan. It's so racist. Asian dating. Well, Chin Chong's pretty racist. I mean, I'm going to say. Do you like Asian chicks? I'll be honest with you. I've never ventured that way, but I'm curious.

Okay. Yeah, I had one Korean girlfriend for like three months. She was like a Power Ranger. Oh, a literal Power Ranger? Well, she was on, not the original show, but she was in the one in space. I think they did two. I never saw them, but she was a one in space. and I think she was the yellow one.

Okay. That comes across my TV often, so I'll look out for that. Yeah, look out for it. But the reason why I broke up with her is because I used to live in Sandborn, and she, at 3 in the morning, I woke up, and she was standing in the front of my bed with her hair over her face, and she was just staring at me. Yeah, no.

Like the ring. Like the ring. You know what's her Samara or whatever? And I go, don't ever do that again. And then after that, I just said, like, I'll call you late. You know what I mean? Later. And then I just never called her again.

Yeah. It was so creepy. Was it kind of like how I was just holding my brass shots? Yeah. Was it that same? It was that kind of weirdness. Like, why would you fucking do that? Right.

Why would you grab your breasts in front of a guest? You just, I just got here. It's weird. Bobby, do you remember meeting me back? I don't know. Let me reframe that. Do you know me? Do you remember me grabbing my boobs?

We, on the O.C., okay? you were on Mad TV. I remember. You came and you did a skit, sketch. At the O.C.? Yeah. I did? Yes.

Oh. And I fell in love with you. It's fine. And then I was standing in your room at the end of the bed and you don't remember. I remember. Whatever. It was like an American Idol spoof.

Right. And you did, she bangs. She bangs. Oh, I know. You know who else was in the sketch? Jordan Peel. Yes. I did not know that, but I will tell you,

I watched it this morning because I was like, I remember. this and I was like, what the fuck? I had no recollection to him. I only remembered you. Was Jordan in it, though? Yes. He was Justin Gorbini. A guy named Ron Peterson was in it. Who was Clay Aiken. Who I kissed. Yes. I do

remember. You do? Okay, well, anyways, I remember meeting you then and I loved you. So all these years, I'm like, I know, Bob, you leave, and you don't even remember. I don't think so. Oh. That was a very long time ago. I think I'm just, maybe I was threatened by you guys.

Well, you gave a soft to know originally is what we heard when we wanted you on the show. No, that's not true. Yeah. Rob told us. That's insane. It was George.

It was George. Rob said it's a soft no. And I was like, is that what's a soft? I'm like, soft. I'll accept a hard no, but soft. Wait, wait. The reason why, no, I know what happened. So I, there was a soft no.

Yes. Fuck yeah. Soft no. Oh, sorry. Sorry, something was a bubble. I got stuck. Are you okay? It was like a reverse quiff.

You know what I mean? Those are the worst. That's the worst. So I, sorry for saying queve. Is that how? Are you kidding? What? You should, if you listen to us, you will...

You will queve. You will queef. Yeah. I feel like guys quefe, but our holes are so small, you can't hear it. Maybe. I believe it. It's probably like this. Like when you feel a little, like, bubble when they're inside you, it's just a

quefe. You feel a little poop. Those are kidney stones. Oh, is that what I'm saying? I feel like. I know how why I'm here. Why? Well, you know.

Manon. Manon. Yes. Yes. So it was weird. I guess George said yes or no, whatever. Soft no. Soft no.

There's a definite soft now. Yeah. And I was, but I never got that. Okay. You never got the request. I never got the request. He just said, you know what I mean? I tell him to say no,

soft know everybody. Oh. Right? That's actually a good position to be in. Yeah. Yeah. But then when I saw Manon, she goes,

because I just respect her. I think she's so funny. Yes. And then she goes, Rachel Beelson has a podcast. They asked you to do it. I go, I never heard it. And she goes, will you do it? I go, yeah.

And so as soon as she said it, I was like, I'm on. So she was there when we got the soft note. She was sitting there. She was sitting there. You're sitting now. No. Yes. And she's like, but I know him.

Do you want me to ask? And we were like, yeah. And then she ran into you the next day. And she's like, you're never going to believe it. Yeah. The lore is working on our behalf. I know. That's spiritual energy.

Exactly. Especially with Manon, I mean, she's really connected. And yeah, it was that day. The next day, she was like, you're never going to believe it. It's been like 20 years. Yeah, do you like her? I love her. I've known her for a really long time.

Why? What is it? For me? Yeah, yeah. I met her about 10, 12 years ago when we both were, and she's open about, you know, her trip with sobriety. Uh-huh. And we both got sober around the same time. And the minute she opened her mouth, I turned to my friend and she looked at me.

She goes, you love her, don't you? I was like, I fucking love her. Like, she's soul-connected. She's funny. She's down to earth. She's grounded. Are you still sober? Yeah.

How much time? I'll be 12 in October. Oh, my God. That's congratulations. Thank you. I had 17 and I went out. Yeah. And then I now only have seven months.

Not only. Yeah. No, not only. I'm not doing. No. Seven months is big. It is. You know the way this thing works.

If you relapse and you come back, you're so blessed. Because oftentimes people could have 30 years. They relapse. They never make it back. They die. Yeah. You're right. I should look at it that way.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I also like is because, you know, when I had 10 years of sobriety, I hated it because people would ask me to speak at like these big meetings because I'm funny. Yeah. And I hated it because it wasn't based on my

sobriety and what, you know what I mean? Yeah. It was just based on like more of a celebrity thing. Sure. So it's like now they can't ask me to speak because I have seven months.

But what about the fact that here, I'm just going to challenge that for a second. I like being challenged. Go ahead, Olivia. You've met your match. Yeah. Challenge me.

Sometimes the newcomers need something shiny, right? Because I know when I first came into the room. When I went into the room, I was like, if I come here, I'm going to get like a husband and a thing, like, I'm going to get shit, right? And it kept me sober because I had this glimmer of hope that like maybe I too can have something shiny. And, you know, call it superficial or what it is. It helped me stay sober in the beginning. So, yeah, you want, you need to, um, see sobriety

that there's hope in it and there's like a big world that you're going to get and all these like things, you know what I mean? You're right. You've only fucked up once in 18 years. No, it happened a couple of times. Well, I've been in and out for the last couple of years. Okay. It's painful. Don't go out, Poppy.

I know. It's so hard. But you're going to Vegas tonight. You think I'm going to go shoot heroin there? I don't. I don't know. There's no hair. I don't know how to get it.

Don't do that. Do you have sober people that are going to be there? Well, Gene, he's not sober. He's not sober, but he doesn't like party like that. Yeah, he doesn't party that way. And it's also like, I'm not going there to like, I'll be honest. I'm just, I'm just, you're going to have fun.

I want to go to strip club. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? I just want a lap dance or something. I'm so lonely. Rob. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Why?

Are you Christian? No. Yeah. You just no interest? Not really, no. Well, you get girls. Is that what it is? I have a wife.

Okay, well, that's it. No, no, no. Oh, yeah. I'm very cocky, dude. I'm very cocky, man. Your energy is fucking, you know, I know Daxx. Fuck you, man.

I love you. I only know Dax because of you, though. You know the roundabout. Now, how? So you did Chris Vatowski's show. I love him. So you do comedy. That's right.

And then... You're a photographer. Yep. You had me out. I fucking made your life, dude. You did. I fucking made you, dude. And I only know them because of you.

I did it. Right? And in your book, I better be a chapter. You are. That's right. That's right. I do remember now. Yeah, yeah.

Because I met Michael Rosenbaum at that show. That's right. I remember. What happened? I know you're making a stick off our clothes. Are you sweaty? Yeah. Oh.

Is this your house? This is my house. It's really nice. Thank you. How many children do you have? One. It looks like I have 10. I know.

What the fuck? That's what happens with one child. They just get everything. Yeah. What do you just have two? Well, okay. Okay. Well, how old is your child now?

She's seven. Almost eight. Okay. But yeah. I'm going to. You sure. I don't want to tell you what to do with their life. You have children, Olivia?

Two. Oh, how many? Two? Two. How old are they? Three and a half and six? He's been turning seven in like a week. Oh, so are they close?

The seven and the seven? They are. Very close. Oh, they're good friends. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's so dumb. Yeah, boy and a girl, but they couldn't be more opposite in some of the more, I guess, ways you would think.

Like her son. What are you going to say here, Rachel? Does not like to be. be physically active. He doesn't like throwing balls. He'll be a gamer. He's an artist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He likes to draw. He's not athletic. God, your bullying is...

Yes, she's if I'm a toxic masculinity over here. Yeah, I just bullied. She normally calls him a pussy off. I will kill... No, but then the three-year-old could not be more hardcore. We'll be hardcore in what way? He's hardcore. Every way. He's like... Like, he'll come in and just

karate chop you in the neck and then kick you. He kicked his older brother's tooth out. Yeah, I don't like it. Nobody's sweet. Yeah, I prefer the... You prefer the softie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go for the softie.

He's the artist. And you have a daughter, right? I have a daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. You know, what's that like? Having kids? Yeah, I've never done that.

Do you want to do that? Am I too old? No. I mean, maybe a little. I'm kidding. You're not a lot of... No, you're not a lot of sperm comes on. Have you had it tested?

It's like a vizine drop. You know what I mean? It's just like... Yeah. I'm sure if I look at it in a microscope or whatever, it'd be just like they're just like kind of weight, like floating on their back. Like you don't think they're strong, you know what? Have you ever got me? Yeah, do you know that?

You're guessing. I make basing on assumptions, yeah. Yeah. But I really have not a lot to come out though when I, you know. Yeah. Are you ejaculating it a lot though? Yeah. Maybe you're just dispensing too much.

Yeah. Yeah. If you don't ejaculate for like a week. You'll gather. You're like, that's not possible. No, no, it is possible. I did it for like three weeks of non-execulating. How that felt?

I didn't like what came out. It was like steel-cut oatmeal. It was way too much. Maybe somewhere in between. Yeah, I'll go in between maybe. It was like a marshmallow came out. Have you gotten a girl pregnant ever in your life? I have.

Okay. So you know you can. It was years ago. Yeah, I think I can. But it's like, I don't know. I just feel like it's going to, I feel like it's going to impede on my routine. So I feel like I have to meet. the right woman that's going to, you know what I mean, be able to fulfill certain aspects of

parenting. Like the parenting part? No, no, no. No, like, because I'm pretty much a child myself. And I feel like I have to grow up a lot. And maybe that's a challenge for me to have. But I don't know. I think I'm just scared.

I don't want to fuck anybody up. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't want to be able. I don't want to like, because I, my parents did such a terrible job. Did they? Why? My dad was alcoholic, abusive, you know what I mean? My mom was like a victim, you know what I mean?

Yeah. From his abuse. There was a lot of trauma and stuff. Like I just, not that I would do any of that, but it's like, I remember as a kid just going, I just never going to have kids because this is terrible. Yeah. Like you guys look like really good people and you're raising your kids the right way. But we'll see.

We hope. No, I think you are. But I grew up the same way as you and I just decided let's not do that. You broke the cycle. Yeah. Yeah. That's the other way to look at it. Yeah, you broke the cycle.

Yeah. Like, I know not to, like, raise my voice and get physical and stuff. I would never do those things because those things were like, it just impacted my life in a really negative way. But, yeah, maybe, you know, I think if Steve Martin, Steve Martin had him late. Oh, I thought you were going to say if Steve Martin wanted to have one. Like, Steve Martin's available to come in. You say yes.

But he was older when he had him, right? There's many men who have kids older. Really? Yes. You don't have an experience. Yeah. It's us that do. Yeah, we expire.

Well, you were in a relationship for nine years. You guys never, did you talk about kids? Well, that's who I got pregnant early on. Okay. Twice. But you guys weren't ready? Twice. We had just met.

So it was like, you know, there was the first year of the relationship. So we're just like, this is new. So. But, and then later we never got pregnant again. You tried and didn't or you just avoided it? came inside or, I mean, did this thing happen? Yeah.

What's so funny? He loves coming inside. He loves coming inside. He thinks it's funny. That's your thing? I knew that about you. Just by looking at you. What's the face you make when you come?

Oh. That's such a question. I'm so happy you're here. I've never seen it. Yeah. You've never seen it? Do you make a, do you grimace? Do you grimace?

You're usually like in pain. Oh, in pain? I wonder what my... Do you smile? I go, you look confused? No, no, no, no, I'm just trying to. Oh, yeah.

I do like a De Niro. Yeah, I do a De Niro, like a De Niro face. I feel like everyone should have a celebrity look like. Is their face as they come? Yeah. Would it creep you out if someone, like, I feel like that would really creep me out if someone smiled to me as they were coming.

I'm getting killed. Or is it a compliment? No, I think that would be, imagine it for a second. a moment, imagine someone coming, looking straight in the face and smiling. Well, I'm like, is that they come? Where are they coming? Oh, inside you when doing that? Anywhere they want. I'm just saying they're coming and smiling. Maybe it makes a difference where it's happening. It depends what the smile looks like, right? If it's like,

yeah. Yeah. You know what I'd be weird. Like just like, yeah. But if you went like this, you went, yeah. Like, that was pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. And a high five. Yeah. Would that be okay? Oh. Yeah. High five is great. Yeah. Is it? Yeah.

I just, you've never high fived after sex. What? You've high five. A thousand percent. You're being serious? Dead. Yeah. Wow.

Oh. You high five after sex. I'll like smack Jeff on the way out and be like, good job. Well, that smack on the ass is different than like, good job, buddy. I think I've high five in like, okay, we did that. Like a sporting event. Yes. Yeah.

We're parents. We got to get it in and like, you know, know? I've waved. You've waved? Yeah, yeah. Like on your way out? No, just after I come. And then their wave is like, this is weird. There, there's many of them. That's amazing. What is about, and I don't know if you guys are scientists or not, but I, I didn't, what if we were? Yeah. There is something that happens when a guy ejaculates. Yeah. Where it's like, I just want to be kind of left alone for a little bit. Right. But what is that? Maybe it's like you're so vulnerable, because you just shoot alone

and you're just like, I don't know. I feel the same way. You do as a woman? 100%. If you want to be left alone. Alone. I like to be left alone when I orgasm. So.

During it? She's like, get out. Okay, okay, okay. I think it's evolutionarily. You want to spread your seed to as many partners. I think there's something to that. Yeah.

And it's, I'm done. I've done the job. I'm going to reproduce. girl? Yeah. Wow. From a biological standpoint. For a biological.

Spreading the seeds. So Rob's the scientist. But it happens to me too and I'm a woman. I just feel like we're done here. Maybe you're broken. Maybe I'm broken. But do you think like staying with one guy or girl, whatever, this thing that we've set up in society is natural monogamy and being with somebody for the...

I always fight this because when... marriage was instituted, people live to be 30, right? Right. Or whatever. So you always question it because that's like, well, you're 30 or sure. You know, because that's like 15. I mean, listen, this was a line that I was given in a movie. It's the only reason I know it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it makes sense. Right. But you're, I mean, I mean, yes. I don't know. I think it's dependent on the person. I don't think it's natural, right? Like, I think that you see attractive people.

You physically want to. touch them and do weird shit with them, right? But I think that for me, it's natural in a relationship. Like, I don't battle it. You know, I'm like, yeah. So there are times when you guys are at like coffee bean or whatever and you see a guy and you go, I would fuck you that guy. Of course.

No, we're never at coffee bean. Yeah, yeah. Wherever you fucking go. Oh, I say it to my husband. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. They tell each other, like, who. Yeah. Do you have a pass?

We have, so we. came up with an agreement that it would have to be a double pass. So if you take like a couple where you're like, I'd take him and you could take her. So it's an even exchange, right? Right. So like, who are people? You are Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. Yeah, like I would bone Blake's, I know it's weird. Bollary's babe. He liked Gwen Stefani. So I'm like, I could do Blake. No, I like, yeah. I like his voice. Yeah, yeah. Like, but, well, how do you feel about monogamy. Yeah.

Oh, that's, you know, God, it's a tough one because I just, I don't think it's natural. And, but I stay in them because I like the comfort, I like love,

and I love the comfort of knowing somebody's home and somebody that, you know, I can spend time with, but there are times, what I noticed in the last two or three years of my relationship

with my ex is, um, my mind was, drifting more. You know what I mean? And I was kind of like fantasizing more. And it just took, and then along with my porn addiction, it just kind of got out of hand and I was out.

Do you feel like you had more of a relationship with porn sexually than your relationship? It was bad. It was bad. Yeah, you start fantasizing. And then you develop relationships with these fictional, of these, these fantasy, you know. And it's like, I mean, that's, I mean, that's, you know, that's, you know, That's why I'm like, not only am I addressing my, you know, drug addiction, alcoholism, but I'm addressing that as well because I think that it ruins intimacy, you know.

So I'm just, you know, I'm 51 too. I turn 51 soon. And I don't know. But I also believe in God, not God, but I believe. Like a higher. Yeah, things happen for a reason and there is a path. So maybe I'll meet somebody and it'll just rekindle something. know. But also I have a question, is it wrong to be, do you deem it as wrong to be in a relationship

but still fantasize about other things? Like, can't you have your own fantasies and still be intimate with someone? Huh. Interesting. Yeah, I mean, there's a healthy dose of it, right? But I think I was like, like, when I was, I was, I was like saving playlists, I'm making playlists on my porn you know what I mean? And revisiting the same girl. So you were making mixes for your porn? Yeah, I'm a mixtape. You know what I mean? And it's like, I would revisit them. You know what I mean?

There's Clarice or whatever, you know what I mean? And it's like, and then I would have fantasies about them, you know? And yeah, it's just not healthy, you know? Right. Yeah. You have an addictive personality. Yeah, but I'm trying to go to meetings and trying to figure that out.

But there's still things that I can do, like, I do therapy and, you know what I mean? And I call my sponsor. I do things to, like, you don't mean, work on those things. But I don't know. I think it's because I'm newly sober, too. There's just a lot going on, you know? But has porn always been in the picture?

Yeah. Hot seat. Yeah. It really has. But I feel like it's really common, though. A lot of guys, yeah, absolutely. Does your husband watch it? I don't have a husband.

Oh. So yes. Did your husband watch it? Yeah. Yeah. But I don't care. You don't care. Because it doesn't seem to affect our intimacy.

Like, we have a really good, healthy, intimate life. So I just, you know, I'm like, whatever. Do you watch it together? No. It's not my thing. Did you ever watch it together? We tried. It didn't work.

It didn't work, no, because it's like I skip around a lot. You're like, get her out of here. You're like, get the dick in the, yeah, you fast forward or what? Yeah, I go, next, I got to find the right video. You know what I mean? and she's, you know, going down on me. Yeah. It'll take five.

It's not fun. It's weird. It's like when I used to binge eat, it's like I wanted to do that shit in private. Like I didn't want a witness. You know what I mean? Like it's like, you don't watch porn. No, I don't. Right.

Okay. I had a boyfriend where we would watch it and then just mimic what they were. We were really young. We were really young. You know? So like whatever and just do what they did on screen. The same lines and stuff too? Oh, yeah.

We'd act. Could you imagine? Yeah. No, just like, yeah, all the sexual acts or whatever they were doing. Wow. But young youth, you're 12, you know. I just never imagined, Rachel, that you were even talking about the stuff. It's just like, I don't, I have a person.

Your image is just completely different to me. You know what I mean? Well. Like, you have a wholesome vibe, but then it's kind of cool to see this. I have a very, like, dirty, raunchy sense of humor and whatever, yes. I mean, I know what you're saying, and that's part of the fun of doing this is because, well, I get into trouble, too, but. You've gotten trouble from this? Yes.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Online? Yes. People comment. Yes.

Who cares though? Right. Because it's like if, here's, I keep saying this quote, but half the people have to hate you and half the people have to love you to be a success. Who says that? Mitzi Short told me that once. She goes, do you know what a star is? And I go, no.

And she goes, a star is somebody that half the people hate and half the people love. You have to have both. Wow. So when you have negative stuff, that means that you're doing something right. That's interesting. Because you're in their minds, right? And they're, you know, at the end of the day, people that hate you will buy it like stand-up-wise. People will pay money to come see me to do stand-up.

Wait in line to meet me and they hate me. Does anyone hate you? Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, I have so many people that hate me. You do? Do you? How do you know they hate you?

How? Because they comments? Yeah. Oh. I didn't know if they were like throwing things at you or? People will do like Literally like a monologue of like Here are the reasons why you're not talented

Oh fuck you And this this this And what do you do while they do these things I don't read them Oh Because this doesn't serve any purpose Right I mean I'll read a couple of lines like they go

They love me I mean I mean spend time And creating this thing for a stranger I mean you know what I I mean I mean his head Mm-hmm.

It's kind of cool, though. The way you just phrased it just occurred to me in a whole different way. It's kind of like, I remember someone once said to me, you know, a star is that which reflects light. And they show you, right, what's in you. And so when she said, it's like half the people hate you, half the people love you, like, that's what we do to ourselves all day long, right? Like half of us is good and half of us is evil. Yeah.

So it's like, it's just a reflection. of humans. Humans. Like, there's no total good in anything. It's the human condition. Yeah. I mean, the Salem Witch trials

were just all like rumors and it's basically comments and, you know what I mean? And it's like, it just got out of hand. But my point is that, you know, if there was social media way back then, you know, Jesus would have got a lot of bad comments. He would have gotten up bad Reddit review.

Yeah, like a bad review, you know. Yeah. You know, he'd be, you know, he'd be, you know, he'd be destroyed online. He wouldn't even have Twitter. He was destroyed. He was killed. On the cross. Yeah.

Yeah. It would have been bad for him. It would have been bad. Anybody. Right. But it's such an interesting point. And I've never once, like, thought of it from that perspective. Yeah.

If you're, there's, there are people that rarely, I mean, I think Tom Hanks is kind of, I guess, in many ways. But, you know what I mean? Steve Martin. Steve Martin is kind of, but they're rare. And also, for me, it's like, I like, I like people that. like kind of open the envelope and go to the wild. Right. That's too weak.

Yeah. It's not a negative thing, I don't think. It's not, it's a good thing. I try to tell myself that. But it's, you know, when we start, when you were on the OC and I was on mad, the internet had just started. Right. Right. So it's like.

Before social media, before all of that. Yeah, like people that were in show business before that had it so much easier because the only way they would get negative comments is through. fan mail and who I would never open that right and then maybe they would read a review or something on you know from a newspaper or whatever but in terms of like daily you know what I mean comments it's like I don't know if mankind can absorb all that I mean there are narcissists like Donald Trump that you know what I mean that feed off of that maybe but I have too much empathy and so I just I'm so sensitive, you know what I mean? So it's just a weird thing in modern times to deal with that. Yeah, that social

media just allows the whole platform for people to say whatever they want. Yeah, it's just fucking, it's so strange. But what about like turning comments off or whatever? Do you think that's showing like you care? Weakness. Yeah. I like it weakness. It's also you don't, I never, like I know a lot of comics that fight back. Right. You never engage. Never. Yeah. Well, because then you're giving them something, right? Exactly. Yeah. Because they're like, I'm getting to them. I'm getting to that person. Yeah. Like if they say something negative and I go, well, what the fuck? I mean, I was, you know what I mean? And then they go, I got to him. That's what they want.

That's what they want. What is wrong with them? I heard this. I told Rachel this today. I was reading this thing on some parent thing I'm on. And this woman, this was in the beginning of the pandemic. She said she had a daughter with a chromosome abnormality and she was immune compromised and she just said, stay home for those who can't protect themselves. And this person wrote, like, your daughter is no use to society anyways. And, like, I was like,

the anger that came up in me, I was like, what is... Oh, my God. People. Right? Yeah, it's like Sandy Hook deniers. Oh, my God, I just saw that. Alex Jones and that whole thing.

It's like, it's so crazy. Like, people experience the worst thing. Oh, my God. one could experience and then people are just going, that didn't happen. It's fucking insane. No, it's, I could not even, I hadn't heard that. And when I saw that, I, when did, when did you hear it?

I saw, I saw, I saw something on the news about someone being sued by a family. Yes, so it was Alex Jones. Okay. He's, you know, the one that's being sued by several families. And he's the one that started that whole thing. You know what I mean? And, um, he's, he's having to pay. hey, you know what I mean, a lot of money, millions of dollars.

But, yeah, there was millions, about thousands of people that troll these families online. You guys are crisis actors. Yeah, I mean, he's doing it intentionally. He knows what he's doing, because he generated a shit lot of money from it. A lot of money. How do you generate me from that? Through his Info Wars.

Info Wars. That's his podcast. Oh, my God. It's like a video show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking terrible. I, it's the most upsetting. And these families have had to move

because they get harassed. It's so, so what the fuck? It's fucking crazy. So that to me feels like they're no use to society. Right. But imagine what has to happen in your life for you to get to a point

where you're doing that kind of activity. It's like, you know, like, who has time to go to Washington, D.C. and perform an insurrection. I mean, it's like... But you wonder, like, what was their life like? Well, right? Those people are also being brainwashed.

Not to be sympathetic. I know. And there is empathy and sympathy that I have, but it's like, for me, it's like, I got too much shit going on. Yeah. I have too many dreams to pursue. I have too many goals that I have. I mean, you know what I mean? Just like, get a life.

Yeah. You know what I mean? There's just so much, this is... We have one shot at this. Right. You know what I mean? Let's fucking milk it. Like, look at a tree. Right.

No, sometimes I look at trees. Right. Yes. I do too. Yeah, yeah. To have a moment to be like, I'm present. To be present. Yes.

Yeah. And to look at like, you know, one time I was at rehab seven months ago and I walked out and there was like this bush with these red flowers coming out of it or whatever. And there was these two ants fighting, you know what I mean? For supremacy or whatever. And I was just observing this thing that was going on, right? And then, you know, when I see stuff like that, it just kind of grounds me. It's like, I'm here.

This is happening. Things are happening, you know. So, I mean, these people are sad. So, you know. Yeah. So let me ask you guys something, how I'm going to find somebody. So I get direct messages. Yeah.

On Instagram. Sometimes they send me nudes. Okay. Right. But like fallopian tubes. What? Like the inside. of the rat,

you know? You just, you know, like, you know. Yeah, yeah. You know, you know what a float man. Yeah. You have them.

Yeah. Yeah. Are they good? So far. So far. So far so good. Yeah. I've been concerned.

I have also, I've also shared a fallopian tube picture or two. Okay. Okay. But it's like, is, but,

and then, I mean, are these the kind of women I should pursue? No. I just said, I've sent Philopin to random.

To Bobby. Oh, those are yours. Oh, pretty cool. So is it just like that's their opener? Their open vagina is literally their opener? You know, have a nice day and they'll send it to me. That's like smiley face. What do you think, Bobby? What do you think the answer is?

It's their way of going, you know what? Hi. Hi. Right. Right. And I'm hot. Yeah. Right. And it does for a male, it does work. out on a certain level where I'll respond. Sure. And they're trying to stand out of the herd, you know what I'm in? Yeah.

It's, um, what? What do you think of a woman who does that to get your attention if she doesn't know you? What do you think that person's values are going to be? That's true, but, you know what I mean? How, how are you? Also doesn't really do much for me either. So what's the middle ground? That's right.

A boob? Probably not, probably not meeting someone in DM. Yeah. Oh, not? Well, maybe if it was like, hey, I'm friends with Gene, your friend, and da-da-da-da-da, and, like, says something maybe. But, like, I think that if a girl's showing you the inside of her vagina in a picture before meeting you, do you think that's the first time she's done that? Do they ever show their face, too, or is it just strictly vagina? Yeah, no, face too, yeah.

But they do that, is what I mean. You think that's their way of... Yeah, they sent Rosenbaum that same one. Oh, you think so? Maybe they've just gotten into other... What's the difference between... Well, I guess there is a difference. No, what's the difference?

Follow that. I was going to say dating app and DMing, like just reaching out to someone, but I guess on a dating app you have more information. Yeah, I think... Yeah, I think you're on to a point, okay? With dating apps, you're still... Because I can read you some of my conversations.

Yes, please do. Really? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. We love this shit. You should also respond to some for him and see if... Oh, that's a great idea. See if it helps.

Let's see. So let's go to which one. Let's go to Hinge. Oh, I got... I would imagine you're sling. I have four new likes. There you go. All right.

So, I'll get it. So this girl on her thing said, she goes, I'm Jewish. She's very pretty. Right? So then my opener was, I'm not Jewish. I'm Korean, which is pretty close, right?

You are very pretty pretty. Oh. No response. Hmm. Is that not a good opener? I like that opener. Do you like it? You don't...

No, I'll be critical. I don't care. I'm strong. I mean, maybe not... What was the last thing you said? You're very pretty? Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that?

I would imagine, do you think they know who you are if they're liking you on it? Oh, my God. You just said the rudest thing. They're not... They don't like my face? No, no, no, no. I'm saying they have a...

I can only get laid because of who I am. I'm trying to make the point that they may have a preconceived notion that you're funny because I know who you are. He was saying so big funny. So that's an appropriate opening. No, no, no, I'm saying it was funny. I'll do a funnier opener? I think that was funny. I think that was appropriate.

I think that was funny. You're like Korean is close to Jewish. Yeah. It's funny. Yeah. I don't see anything wrong with that. Humor for me is everything. So like definitely mean with that.

So she doesn't have a sense of humor. So fuck her. Fuck her. Could this one, she had a photo of a dog on her thing. So I go, my dog, Goby looks like you're. dog? It's a little weak. All right. So what do I do? What should I have said? Wait, she reached out. You just reached out to her blindly?

Is it start the chat with this person. So I go, my dog looks like your dog. We should set him up with Leah. Who's Leah? She's our best friend. Okay. So do you think that's a week opener? No. I do a little bit. You do? Why? Why? Why? How are I strengthened it, Rachel? I mean, I feel like you could do that, but it needs a little something with it. Do you want to know the best opener I got from a blind date?

He said to me someone sent him a picture and he said, you are so fucking cute I want to knock your teeth out, buy you new ones, and get you a tiger. And I was like... Write this down.

I loved it. I was like, this guy gets it. I'm not alpha in that way. I mean, I just feel like That's a high risk. That was my point, I think.

That's high risk. If they're connecting with you, like, they know you're a funny guy. Yeah. They're not looking for Prince charming. No, I memorized it. So this other girl, one last one. So I go, I go, let's follow each other on Instagram.

She goes, okay, and I go, and then I look, she wasn't following me, but she was following Joe Koi. So I go, you can't follow Joe Koi and not follow me back. I draw the line there. No response after that. No, that's hilarious. That is really funny.

That's funny. But I will say, don't say let's follow each other on Instagram. Why? Because that's like pressure and girls don't like pressure. Why is that? Wait, oh, that's, sorry. Because that's like, I'm being angry. Yeah, no, get angry.

Yeah. Let it all out. My argument is this. Save face. The reason why you open it up to Instagram is because you get a better sense about what their life is. I know it's a pretend life and I know it's a lot of it staged, right? Yeah.

But you still get a glimpse of. Maybe they'll have a photo of their dad. Was she private? No, she was, anyone can follow. Okay. And you're saying don't open with that. Don't open with that. I don't open with that.

That's like the fourth thing I'll say. You know what I mean? Let's go. And then this one right here, it's just, she goes, start chat with this person. I go, hey, Sarah, nothing. I mean, how? How much better can it get?

Yeah, how. You cross the line. Yeah, but why? Just say I want to buy you a tiger and see how that goes over. Yeah, I mean, that works for me. I think he said then said, like, I'll buy you a gold chain to match the teeth. Don't worry. I want to try one.

So I have one girl here on this thing that I didn't start a conversation with. Oh, let's do it right now. So I'm going to do it right now. So what is it? The whole thing? Well, let's come up with a new thing, but not like knock her teeth out. No, no, that's aggressive. Yeah.

That is aggressive. That's violent and that's aggressive. I don't want to do that. Yeah, you'll end up on the news. Yeah, yeah. So, um, I want to, I want to get you pregnant.

That's, what the fuck? I smile when they come. She's going to think on Buffalo Bill. No. Okay. Let's see. Let's bleach her rectums.

You want to bleach her rectum together? Yeah. We should bleach our rectum. My dick is shaped like a spam can. Does that not work? No, that's not going to work. That's not going to work. Let's not go sexual up front.

No, don't go sexual. Yeah, yeah. go, um, something weird, but not sexual. Totally random. Something random. Do you like to look at trees?

No. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to have some sort of, have you ever seen two aunts fight in the bush? It's got to be funny. It's got to be like, what?

This is so fucking random. Yeah. But so good. What does she look like? This one? Yeah. Um, let me,

I'll show you. She looks like this. Oh. Wait, let me see. I don't even know because she liked me first so on a hinge you know what I mean

they liked me first so then I just matched with her so all these people on this thing by the way aren't people that I reached out first fuck you I liked you first what's like a really random food you like or something to be like I don't know

do you hate artichokes as much as I do see that I would respond to do you hate that's the kind of if I would go for. Artichokes. Do you hate artichokes?

No, I don't. What's something you really hate? Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. Trump. You know, I hate deer meat. I don't like deer meat.

You hate deer meat. You're going to hope you're going to have venison. It is too gaming. Yeah. Do you hate venison as much as I do? Yes. Do you? Because there's a metaphor in that, too.

She hates being gaming. She looks kind of Swedish. I don't know. Venison as much as I do. God, that would hit my heart. I do. Let's get a tiger together. Let's get a tiger together.

Let's get a tiger together. You're fucking welcome. You guys are learning from you. We're going to need a follow up. If someone wrote me, let's get a tiger together, I would be packing my bag. My pants would be off. Off.

Really? Yeah. 100%. Yeah. I think I'm learning something from me. You are. We're here for you. But I'm serious we need to follow up.

We need to know how these go over. She might respond right now. That would be the best. That would be the best. Yeah. So, um, let me, can I re-correct some of these or am I fucked? Like, go, no, what do you move on? No, no, no, like, because this one I...

Why do you like her so much? Let us see her. This one, you're not going to like this one. I'm not. I can't show you this one. You have to. You have to show us. This one's like more like, hot topic.

Let me see. Let me see. We need to see hot topic in the flesh. I saw. Harley Quinn. Yeah, I gotta see it. You know, me, just like this. Okay, cute.

Well, what are you looking for right now? A girlfriend? You're just looking to smash? I'm not good smashing. You're not? So you are a monogamous? She looks like maybe that... Well, I mean, I'm not like...

You don't like to just... No, no, no. I like smashing. I'd smash any time. But I'm not... I don't know how good I am at it. At the actual act? Yeah.

It's not like my... I'm not super... Like, I don't have a black belt in it. Okay. What do you have? of a black, so what are you most confident in? I'm good at like dates and making you feel comfortable on a date and stuff, I'm funny, you know what I'm fun?

You're fun and stuff, you know what I mean? Do you pay when you take girls out? I've never, I've never ever had anyone else pay. Oh, cool. I thought you were going to be like, I've never paid. I was like, oh, yeah. Let me, that's a good question because I've never, even when I have, like, my ex-girlfriend, she's paid maybe twice in nine years. Yeah.

I always pay. Is that weird? No, I love that. You do? I find it very attractive. Yeah. Yeah. Even movies, whatever.

Even when they go, well, you want to go 50? No. But they offer usually, right? Dates? Yeah, they have. Yeah, they have. I don't know if when you ask that. I'm wondering if I feel weird if they don't offer.

Yeah, do you? No, I don't. You got to at least fake offer. Of course. Oh, let me get my... So let's say you want to earn it. Yeah. Oh, you like Bucca to Pepo, huh?

Love it. Isn't it delicious? Yeah, I like this salad. Such a large portion. Yeah. Oh, the bill. Oh. Here.

Oh, no, no. Oh, so that's how you do it. Oh, yeah. You would pull out a wallet. I would go for it. I would go to offer. No, let me ask you something. You'd have to stop me.

No, if I don't stop you. Then she would. No, but is that end? So I dated a guy where he wasn't paying. And I told him, like, we were dating, he wasn't paying, or he would do like the 50-50 thing. And then he... Does she respond?

No. I just got another matchup from a hottie. Okay. Anyway, go ahead. Ask her if she pays on the first date. Yeah. No, that'll end it. Yeah.

So finish your story, Sylvia. Olivia. Olivia. I'm... You guys are on a date, Bobby. You forgot her name. That's her character in the fucking day. Yeah, I'm Sophia.

In the scene, you're Sophia. You know what's funny? Is it whenever I say my name is something else? I told you with Sophia. Yeah, yeah. Olivia. Yes. I said, go ahead.

Date him a few times. Don't like that he doesn't offer to just pick it up, wants to go 50-50. I told him I would rather go to a taco truck and have you pay than go to nice dinners and do 50-50, it just doesn't feel sexy to me. How was he ever get laid? He does. How do women? I never paid for a thing after that conversation.

Okay, I have another one. Is this a deal breaker? What? Let's say you and I, okay, Sophia, that's your character's name. Yes. Because I know you're married. So in this, we're in a movie, right? Yeah.

We've been dating for a week. I mean, we smash, right? Mm-hmm. I come. I do a smile. That's fine. And then I get a hot towel for myself and not you. A hot towel.

Oh, no. To wipe. No. The guy always has to come with a towel and give it to me first. And then if they want to use it after, that's fine. So if I wipe before. That is not cool. Why?

Because I'm the one with the juices all over my mind. No, the girl is. Well, unless they do it on top of you, yeah. Or even in you. Oh, that's true. That's true. We always have it. You don't have it.

Right. But is that, so is that a deal breaker? Sophia. Sophia. I mean, I feel like I'm trying to replay this. I feel like I bounce the second it's over. I'm just like, boo to the bathroom. As it's like coming out of you, you're running and it's like getting everywhere?

Like to get it out of me? Well, I get bladder infections, you see. Right. Well, we do have to push it out. It's true. I just like go. You go. Yeah, I'm not expecting someone to come wipe me down afterwards.

To wipe your diaper? Well, I'm not going to wipe you down. I'm just saying that I'm like going to go, here's a towel. You know what? I will say if a guy does it first, I don't really care. Like if they wipe them, I don't.

So that's not a deal breaker. But it's not a deal breaker. Do you have hot towels? Like waiting? Yeah. I was like, no one's ever awkward me up. I fuck all my girls at Burke Williams.

No, I, um, yeah, I mean, I always go to the bathroom and get a clean towel and go, here my lady, you know what I mean? I think if you get anything for yourself, like a glass of water afterwards or a towel,

like, if it was me, I would get it for the person too. person too. If it was you. If I was in that situation, I would get them a towel or a glass of water or a potato chip, whatever it was that I wanted. I bet they want to. How about this?

Yeah. You and I, right? I kind of like this. I do. You and I, you and I, we just smashed. I put my clothes on right away and I'll see you later and I leave. Is that weird? I would celebrate.

Not you personally, but in just. general. Yeah, that fat Asian guy's gone. Oh. Okay. I had a guy. The first time I had slept with him, this was fucking brutal. Okay?

I had gone on three dates with him. We have sex. He puts on his clothes. He leaves. He had brought me ice cream sandwiches when he came for the date. He took them. He put on his clothes. He went out to my freezer and took.

took the ice cream sandwiches back and left with them. Is this the same guy that split the bill with you? No, it's been a hard life, guys. Okay? But he took the ice cream sandwiches. Let me get this straight. May I get this story straight? Yes.

A man. A sober man. Sober man. That makes it worse. I know. Comes with, are they high grade ice cream sandwiches? Yeah, they were like, you know, good. Whole foods.

Like cool house or whatever. You know. It was in a box of like six? It was a box of like six. Okay. Were they open? I don't remember us eating any. I don't think they were open.

They weren't open. So he goes, these are for you? Did they say that out loud? He said, I know you like chocolate and sweets because we bonded over being sober and sober people a lot of time like sugar.

So he's like, I brought ice cream sandwiches. And what did you say? Thank you. That's so sweet. And did you eat any? Not at that moment. So there we go.

I'm just trying to defend the guy real quick. Let me finish. Okay. So if I brought ice cream sandwiches to you and I go, I know you like chocolate and you go, I don't want to eat. I didn't say that. I'm just saying.

You kind of did. Kind of did. You kind of did. You should have ate one then. Hmm. Right? Just hear me out. I'm seeing where you're going to.

Right. So I don't want it. In my head, right, I'm going, ah, I fucked up. She doesn't like ice cream. Now I'm at your house. We make love, whatever, right? Just like a little bit of my brain's like,

those ice cream sounds just in the freezer. You know what I mean? She doesn't like them. And I just bought them. I love them. So I'm just going to take them home. Yeah, I think it's gross. All right.

I remember being disturbed. And I never heard from him again. Oh, that's... Did he come inside you? Hell no. No, does that... So he took you on three dates. smash, ran, never saw you again.

Correct. Oh, God. Why do guys do that? I don't know. Have you ever done that? No. No. Oh.

Not a hit and run. I mean, I want to. I wanted to, right? But I always ease out of it because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's very nice. Yeah, because that's classy. Yeah, it's classy, I think. But I'll spend months slowly, you know what I mean?

Not texting as much. Yeah. Right. It's a phase out. out. That's better. Respectable. Right. And then if I know I'm phasing out, I'll do everything I can not to tap it again. Right. Exactly. But sometimes you do. I have. Yes. But rarely rare. Do you get anxiety? Because I remember calling a dear friend of mine who is a guy after that happened and telling him the story. And he's like, dude, sometimes guys come and get anxiety. And then they're like, I can't do this. Like whether they

like someone or they think it's too intimate or they're just like once they can't, come, they don't ever want to see that person again. Is that true? No, I don't know. I don't know. I've never heard that. Okay. Yeah, I've never had anxiety.

I think what it looks like to me is the guy, right? This girl's hot, but, you know what I'm going to tap and run, but, you know, he's going to take me two or three dates to do it. He does it. He's out. He's out. Yeah, and that's the thing we, like, bonded and, like, talked for hours and hours. He probably loved bombed you.

What's it? Love bomb? He love bombed. Yeah. That's what that guys, you gotta be very, if they're really affectionate and giving you all these compliments and giving you gifts,

you got to be careful of all that. It's love bombing, maybe. Like ice cream sandwiches. Yeah. That's a love, and he took them. And he took them. You're right, you know what?

The bomb exploded. I'm on your side on that. You wouldn't do that. You would never take the ice cream sandwiches. No. You would never do that. I bought girls' golden goose shoes. You know what I mean?

Imagine if you left with them. I'm going to get these $800 pair of shoes. Yeah, yeah. Can I ask you another question because I'm single? What do you think of... I'm sorry, Is that I love this. I love it. What do you think of I, if I met somebody,

and when we do smash, I don't protect myself. You don't wear a condom? Do you don't wear a condom? No, I'm just saying... Condoms don't count. What do you mean? It's not like you had sex. What?

So, Rachel, let me ask you a question. That was a crazy thing to say. Rachel, they do count, number one. Right, they do count. That counts as a fucking, I got laid. Yeah, right? Doesn't feel as good, right? But still, yeah.

It's like, you know, you play mini golf, you're still playing golf. It's not the real thing. Yeah. Right? But it's still the same ballpark. I count the men I've had sex with with condoms. Sure.

Oh, you do? You don't, though? I count them as people I've had sex with. I think my number's so low, Rob. So if you do date somebody, it takes down two or three dates, the first time you smash you, you don't wear a condom? Of course you do. You do, right?

Yeah. Depends on the person. Oh, yeah. I guess it depends on the person. I have had guys test. Oh, first? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I did it with my husband. You didn't? Mm-mm. Mm-mm. But I dated him for a whole entire month before I slept with him. Oh, you did? Because of the guy that took the ice cream sandwiches. So we thank him for that.

Because I was like, I'm not going to go through that again. That's like a really gross feeling. Interesting. I did not sleep with my husband until we were in a committed relationship. Interesting. And you wanted to prove his worth. Yeah. I wanted to know he was in.

I hate to say this. What? And I don't want any girl that likes me to hear this, but I think that that's the right way. I do. I do. I know. Yeah.

I agree. There's something about chasing it and letting the guy work for it. Because, you know, I honestly like, I mean, I don't know you two very well, but I just think that you guys are high quality people, you know what I mean? And you deserve, you know what I mean? That I can't believe I just said that. I'm a fucking coward. So how do you feel about someone showing their vagina from the picture now then?

Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I'll be honest with it. The reason why is because. the last two years of my relationship with my ex, we didn't really have sex at all, ever. So I haven't had sex in years. Right.

Right. And, you know, I still have desires to do it. So it's like, what about her? What do you mean? Like, you know, did she express desires to do it? Oh my God, now we're going to get personal. Okay, let's get there. Let's go there.

Let's do it. Yeah. That's what we're here for. Yeah, she said, God, two years ago, she said, we're just not being intimate, you know, where are you? I mean, we're in a pandemic, and it's just like, you're just not here. And I'm like, yeah, I'm just going through. I don't know, you know. And she, for a year, every week was just like, what's going on with us?

Then we tried couples counseling and this and that. And, yeah, listen, it's my bad. I fucked up. How did you fuck up? Because I didn't really do the work, I don't think, to get back. You know what I mean? I think that I just checked out, you know, and I do love her so much. But there was a lot of things going, there's a lot of things happening.

The reason why I checked out is because our relationship shifted into more of a parental thing. Clean your room, you know what I mean? Your toenails are too long. You were roomy. Yeah. Then we started business together. You know what I mean? And it became business partner, best friend, parental thing.

And the roles that shifted, you know what I mean? And I'm just in my next relationship, I'm just not going to do that. Yeah. Okay. So you learned that from it. You know what I mean from it? And this is over years. Well, it takes out the sex appeal, right?

It does. You know, when you have to check in too much, it's like, are you my parole officer? I'm not a criminal. Don't treat me like that. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I texted you three hours ago. Yeah. I mean, you know what I mean?

It just puts so much like weird pressure. It just changes the dynamics of things. Like, I want to be free. I'm not going to cheat on you or see somebody else. But you want to feel like you have your independence and. Yeah, I mean, it's funny because the last three months since we've broken up, like, especially in the comedy community, people have noticed a difference that are like, oh, you're going to dinners.

and you're showing up to places and you're hanging out. So she was more of a homebody? Like, I liked it. I liked going home, but I just kind of disappeared off the face of the planet. But that happens in relationships or it can, you know? But is that good? It depends on the person. I don't think it's good.

I think it's good to still participate in life. Thank you. Yeah, it needs to be balanced too. Because you need to also have your own life outside of that person. So that at the end of the day, I think that would be hard to work with someone. because then at the end of the day, it's like, yeah, I know what you did, you know, like there's nothing to connect on. Yeah.

Right? And so if all of your time is with that other person, you're not bringing that much to the table, either of you. I agree. Here's another mistake I made. We moved in way too soon. How soon? Yeah.

Like three or four months in. Yeah, that's really fucking soon. Yeah, yeah. So the next time, here are the rules. It's going to probably three years until we move in. That's a long time. Is it too much? Yeah.

What do you think the numbers should be? A year. A year? Two. A year to two. How long did you and Natalie wait? It's a little more complicated. It was like a week.

What? Well, a week? It's because we, I knew her years before, and we reconnected when she was abroad. So we were talking for like a month. She was a woman or what's a broad thing? Yeah, she was a broad. Oh, abroad. Oh, God.

Oh, fuck. In Budapest. In Budapest. I see. And she came back, didn't have anywhere to live. I was living in a house with a band. They were on tour all the time. What band?

They were called Company of Thieves. Love them. Yep. So I had an empty house. And she didn't have anywhere to live. Right. So it was circumstantial. It wasn't like choice.

Like, we're doing this thing together after me. Yeah. I feel like, look, I think everything's different. A year, you could know in six to eight months, I think. Yeah. But not before six. Okay, okay. Number two thing I learned. Yeah. Don't do a podcast with them. Yeah. Yeah. So, me and Kalila started a podcast together. Right. You know what I mean? And our podcast, much like this one,

we were very open and we reveal very personal things. You know what I mean? And our business, you know, I mean, got out into the world, right? And then we didn't have a privacy thing. Right. Nothing was private. So it's like, you know what I mean, I want to, I want. I want my relationship, the next relationship, to be more sacred than that. Right. I mean, I don't want, you know what I mean, you know, I don't want to expose it on social media. I don't want any of that. I want it to be my own thing.

Right. To protect it. Right. I mean, because I think that's where we probably went wrong as well. How? Like, how does that influence it? Like, what does that have to do with? I mean, you're going to be so mad, but this is crazy.

but like, and I, let me say something. I'm standing up. So I, I've learned through trial and error what to say on podcast, but, you know, eight years ago, I would say anything. Like, even be just shallow and just bad. Like, so one time she was, she was getting an abortion. And I had to do a podcast. And I said on the podcast So you didn't take her?

No. But I said on the podcast that my girl's getting an abortion on the podcast. Oh, she lost it. And then she lost it. Yeah, of course. Well, you didn't talk about it

with her first that you were going to do that. I know, but I'm just saying I shouldn't even said that. It's like a private matter. Right. Right. Right. So like I made a lot of mistakes.

Yeah. I made a lot of mistakes. I don't know that it's like not to be talked about if she's in on it with you. Right. Right. Right. But she was not.

Not. Right. I just, I think the. bigger issues that you didn't take her. Yeah, that's what I would be mad about. I pay for it. Bobby?

I'd want you there, though. You got to take her? But if I pay for it? How'd she get there? No. She has a car? No. No, I think her sister bought.

That would, I would want you there. Yeah. Why? Because. I'm not a doctor. What am I going to do? I'm sorry. How long were you dating at that point?

Three months. Why do I have to take her? The moral support. The moral support. All right. You're right. I fucked up. Yeah.

more so than same. it was the fact that you weren't there. If she wanted to... Oh, you know, you're right, you're right. So you think you were wrong for that. We're telling you you were wrong. I know, I know. You were wrong for everything else, no.

I know. So that's the second thing we'll do. I'm not going to do that. And then... I'm not going to do that. And I'm also... I'm going to just set some boundaries, you know? Okay. Yeah. You mean, like, I... You know, I'm one of those guys that, like, in relationships in the past. If something irks me, I don't say it.

Oh, why? Like, I'm absorbed it. Why? Why don't you say it? I just, because I just, you know, the reason why is me, I'm sorry, I'm just, we like it. We like the passion. The reason why is because when I was young, I thought I was an in-cell. Like, before I was 23 years old, before I got into show business, women did not like me, right? Right. I tried everything.

And back in the 90s, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? I just couldn't, like, my type wasn't in. The self-esteem thing. You're right. So then once I started doing stand-up is when I start getting girls, right? And then so I feel like women are with me because I'm funny and I do this as a business. So I just have like a low of self-esteem about it. So you take one on the chin if they're doing things?

So if a beautiful woman's with me, I just take it on the chin. Has that not evolved at all since you've had your podcast? What do you mean? That people only like you for being funny. Because you're very open on Tiger Valley. I love me. I do. I love who I am. You know, I mean, I think that I, I mean, I know my character DFX and my frailties, but I think that I'm, I'm proud of myself.

Good. Hell, yeah. You know what I mean? I really am. And I, I, I, especially figuring out myself in this business, you know, how terrible it is. Of course. You know, I mean, I, I believe that I belong and I have something to contribute. And I, yeah, I mean, I've learned all that in the last eight years. Yeah, I mean, I think I mean more like public perception of you.

now, it's not, you're just a funny guy. Like, there's a lot more depth. Yeah, there's a lot of, yeah, there's some dynamic stuff. Yeah, thank you. That's a really nicest thing you've ever said to me, dude. I really appreciate it. So I'm not going to do that. So, I mean, there's just a bunch of things I'm not going to do in this next, you know, realm. But wait, yeah, why would you, so you think you have to just, things bother you and you just swallow it because you feel like, you know, it's very unhealthy to keep things inside. I know, and I did that for years. Yeah, don't do that. Can you accept now that you're an attractive man?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But can you really? Can you? Yes, I can. I can. I can't. No, yeah, I, yeah, I, listen, I... You'd smash. What do you mean? You. You'd smash it, right? Yeah, I would smash myself.

Yeah, I would smash myself. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe, I don't know, but I, I like who I am, and I think I'm cute, and I think that I'm really kind of weird and interesting. And I'm like, what? You're in a different place now, too, than you were 10 years ago. That's true, that's true. Like, you've evolved a lot since then. Yeah, I've grown a lot.

And you haven't dated. Yeah, you're right. That is interesting, too, is that I, before I met Kalila, my career were, I just had, I couldn't even get an audition for years. Like, I was out. You know what I mean? And I don't even know why my agency stuck with me. me, you know what I mean?

But they did. But I was like kind of like out. I was like, I'm going to do something else. I don't know what it is. And yeah, I'm not there in that place anymore. But I went, yeah, leaps and bounds in terms of like figuring out who I am in my place in this business, you know. And what I love about nowadays is that, you know, before, you know, we had gatekeepers.

Like, casting directors and people, if they just didn't like you, you're fucked. Right. And we, I've sort of bypassed all those people in terms of like waiting for people to go, you're the guy. Right. It's like, fuck you. I am the guy and I'm going to show you. And that's why it's cool doing podcasts and the internet and this and that because it's like, you know, I've kind of reinvented myself, you know? And now in doing so, Hollywood's fucking with me again. You know what I mean? But it's Like, it's been weird, you know, it's been cool, you know. How's it fucking with you again?

Like, in a good way. Like, before, like, I couldn't even get an audition. Oh, fucking with you. Yeah. Now they're like... Now they're fucking... Got it. Yeah.

You know, I'm reoccurring a bunch of shows. You know what I mean? I'm like doing business with them again. Yeah, yeah. So it's like... It's sort of like I did it myself. Yeah. And I show them like, I'm still viable and relevant.

You know what I mean? And now they're going, let's get involved, you know? It's not really. relationship have a lot to do with them? Yeah. She changed me. Oh, God. Why did you ask that?

She, I honestly believe that if I hadn't met her, I wouldn't be here. Does she know that? Yeah, she does. She changed me. She was this beautiful girl, and she was just like bright, creative and she just looked at me and she goes, no, I don't see you where you're at. That doesn't make any sense to me.

I think you're one of the funniest guys on planet Earth and let's just do something about it. You know what I mean? And so, I mean, one time she, I had this audition. Like, I had this audition, I wouldn't go to auditions because I just, in my head, I'm like, I'm never going to get it. So for, you know, if I did have an audition, I just wouldn't go. So I remember one time when I first dated her,

I had this audition for this pilot. And I told her, yeah, I'm working on it, but I knew I wasn't going to go. So I slept in the next day. I didn't even read it. And she wakes me up like a half and hour. I was supposed to be there like 10. It's like 10.30.

She goes, don't you have an audition? I go, yeah, I slept it through it. It's fine. And she goes, no, get in the car. We're going now. She drove me to Burbank, NBC or whatever. And we're fighting in the car. I'm like, I'm not going to get it.

And also, I haven't read it. I got right for it. You know what I mean? She goes, I'm going to break up with you if you don't go in there. You're a plusy. Good for a girl.

So I walked in there and I remember waiting for like an hour and all my people, I know so many people, you know, you go in there. It's like, I just remember just going, I'm not even reading it.

I'm like, I just a fucking waste of time. And I walked in and I literally put the fucking page in front of my face and I just read it really quickly. Mm-hmm. And then I kind of rolled it up and I threw it in the trash can.

Oh my God. Didn't even say goodbye. Later. You know what I mean? I left, I ended up getting it. Oh my God. I got it. The pilot. I tested a week later and then I got it. My point is that she's just shown me that you have to try. Right, right. And all that stuff. So like I just owe so much to her. It's all the bullshit in your brain that's trying to convince you otherwise. Yeah. That's beautiful though. And I think so often people are like, oh, you got to do this on your own or be good on your own.

I personally think sometimes it does take someone coming in and being like, I see you. Yeah. Where you're like, oh my God. Like they see that thing in me that I've always known inside but didn't think anyone could see. Yeah. That's so. So what you're right. So I'll tell you why it's going to be difficult for me.

I'm sure I'll be fine. But I'm looking for a partner that has those qualities as well. Like I need a partner that. has their own shit going on. I have to respect them creatively. And it doesn't have to be in the arts or whatever, but I just need people with their own goals. And I want to be able to help each other,

you know what I mean, through life, you know what I mean? Yeah. So it's like, that's such a, that's why it's hard. You got to find somebody that you're physically attracted to, but that also has the innards. Right. Or, you know what I mean? The insides.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So it's going to be difficult, you know what I mean? If you say it's going to be difficult. Oh my God. Oh my God. I know. I know.

But it might not be. Yeah. They exist. It might or might? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They exist. There's a lot of, there's a lot of beautiful innards out there and outards.

Yeah. But I need both. I do too. Yeah. Could I have another question. Yes. Because you guys, you know. Yeah.

We're here for you. So I'm 51. Mm-hmm. How young should I, can I date? 27. Who said that? Is that too young? I did.

27? 27? Yeah. Yeah. What about you? Really? Yeah. What about you?

Yeah. I mean... Any younger... Any younger... Like, once you start getting to like 25, that's definitely... Why game? I'm a gamer. Like, I've been on...

I've streamed. You know what I mean? How young do you like them and how old do you like them? Yeah, what's your range? Yeah. Oh, I'm going to sound so shallow right now. Go for it. You're human. I've always said the limit in terms of age.

And it's only because, and I love white people. I don't want to say that, you know, I don't want to make any white people. But when, not you guys, but generally, you know what I mean, white girls, when they reach a certain age, they just kind of shrivel up. Yeah. White women don't age as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's okay. They got like a Judy, they're 40, their Judy dent already. You know what I mean? Are we like Judy Day? No, I'm saying not you two. I just said it's not you two. I'm screaming. Right?

I just said like... 26. Right. So it's like, you know, Asian I would probably date 40, maybe is the top. White? What's the white? 35. Really?

Yeah. Wow. Why? Does that offend you? No, not at all. Yeah. It doesn't offend me at all. How old are you guys?

Forty-41. Yeah. Too old. But no, that's why I'm asking me. Yeah. But can I be honest with you? Yeah, so of course. Honestly, I've never seen

40-year-olds look like you guys. Well, that's very sweet, Bobby. We don't know if he means that. No, I really know. No, no, I mean it. I mean it. But I feel like you're in L.A., and I feel like 40 in L.A.

might read a little bit different because, you know. But I'm on Raya, right. Yeah. And I'll see somebody that's 40, right? And they're always doing something in the photos that I'm like, oh, that's way too sophisticated for me.

Like in a library. Or here's another thing that I don't like when they're in some sort of like Congress. Like they're in some sort of like capital building. Congress. We're wearing some sort of power suit. That happens on. Yeah. On Raya, it's like when they're 40,

they're like doing something important. It's like, I'm not going to go to Congress. like at the insurrection? No, no, like the people like Nancy Pelosi. I just feel bad about it. Why? We're not asking, would you date us and you're saying no? Because then we would kill you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't even believe it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be like, we could get him. We could close that deal. We could close. Yeah. Can I just say something?

Please do. I generally date the same kind of girl facially. Not pretty, but in terms of jawline. Oh. Because I have such a round, you know what I mean, kind of like a Buddha-like face. You know what I mean? And I always think that if I breed with somebody, I want them to have more lines. Oh, interesting.

Right? So I always go, like, Kalila's 58 or 57, right? And I'm 5.3. Right? And so I always date like much taller and with lines and more of a, you know what do you call it? Because if I was like a president, I was on a coin, it would just be a, flat line.

So you want more of a pronounced, you want more of a pronounced nose? Yeah, I want like an A Blinkeny vibe. Interesting. You understand what I'm saying? You want a strong nose. You want a strong nose. Not even a strong nose, but just a strong jaw line.

See the features, you want like angular, like striking. Yeah, because mine's round, you see. Wow. So this is like a thing that people think about or is it just like a subconscious thing? It's a subconscious thing people think about, I think. Wow. Yeah. For me, it's like, what would I, you know,

you know, because I've seen round-faced people make love to round-faced people and having round-faced babies. Right? Not that having a round-faced baby is a bad thing, right? But would you not date someone if they had like a round face? There's, no, that's not true. Yes, you would. I would, I mean. But they have to have some sort of extraordinary skill.

Like what? Like the amazing pianist or something? No, no, no. No, they have that, like, there's this one girl that I've been talking to on Instagram. She lives in Korea. She's Australian. And she's just an amazing singer. But she has a round face.

Pretty round. But for Korean, it's as chisels as it gets. Okay. Right? So I kind of gamble, like, you know. Because my mom. Oh, yeah. Your ex is really beautiful, too.

Your mom like. I love her. Why? I'm just asking. Yeah. I can't find a picture. But my mom has a chiseled face, but my dad is just a flat-faced.

You know, it's like he did a hundred-yard dash in a 90-yard gym, like smash his face against a head. Like, it's just like a pancake. Right? So that's why I kind of look, you know, in like this. So I just kind of want to even out

the facial structures. That's all for my future generations. Okay. Well, I'll keep that. I'll keep that in mind. So 27 to 35. with a strong jaw. Strong jaws.

Yeah. And a nose of sorts. Well, Koreans 40. Oh, right. Right. Right. Okay. What about black?

Here's the thing. And I don't want to get... Why are you laughing? Because I ask that? No, no. Here's a thing. All right. I don't think they like me that much.

Mm-hmm. You know, I don't get us... Like, when I'm out, like, you know, they don't even say hi to me. The comics do. Right. Yeah, like, I'll see Leslie Jones will hug or whatever, you know what I mean?

And I love her. And I have great comedy friends, right? But in terms of, like, when I'm at a club, they walk where I'm at, they think I'm help. They think I just work there. You know what I mean? They just don't look at me. Right?

So I've always never even thought it was even an option, really. You know what I mean? Yeah, but the world is your oyster now on hinge. I love it. I love the oyster, but my point of, yeah. Hispanic? How old do we go on them?

Oh, yeah. That's your come face. Hispanics, a 35. 35. Because I've dated one before. They're moody. You know what I mean? So you don't want to go through menopause with them?

Yeah, exactly. Spicy. They're spicy, yeah. Yeah. But I love the Hispanics. I also like Indian. Okay. Yeah, that's fun.

Yep. That's a fun color. Ages, they age beautifully to the women. Like Canadians. Oh, okay. Any Canadian. I like Canadians. All of them.

They're nice. Any. They are nice. Any and all. Yeah. Because Canadians, because if you look at Canadian men, have you been to Canada? Yes. It's like the ugliest dude dates the hottest chick.

Is that right? Oh, yeah. Her baby daddy is Canadian. Is he yours? Yeah. Who is he an actor? Yeah. Yeah, well, that's different.

I mean, there's anomalies. That's just what her kick. was about. There's anomalies. But, um, I, do you have dual custody?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. We weren't married, so. It's fine. She did act offended by that question. Yeah,

a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, yeah. She's like, yeah. What? And then if you guys ever,

like, let's be friends now. Mm-hmm. Do you think there's, I feel like I could come back here. Are you kidding? You're saying, we don't want you to leave. We're coming to Vegas.

Yeah. What are you're talking about? But I feel like, you know, I feel like I could come back to this podcast and do like. Anytime you. I feel like we need a reoccurring like dating segment with you. Yeah. Where we read your, we do the profile things with you. We help you, you know.

Oh, how about this? If I, if I'm in a relationship. Yeah. I'll come back anyway and just tell you about it. Yeah. Either way, this is like love line. Like a love line thing. Yeah.

Like a love thing. Bobby. This is good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

want to hear every, like I want you to send us the text. Yeah, no, this isn't over. Like, I need to hear the, like, this is what we do for each other. Yeah, I don't want it to be weird. Yeah, we're not. You're going to take my ice cream sandwiches. Yeah, you don't, yeah, you don't hit and run.

You said it. Yeah, I don't want to hit and run this one. No. Because I'll be honest with, I was kind of dreading this. Okay. Why? You seem like it. Yeah.

But you know what? I went out of my God, I was this going to be bad. Why were you dreading? Yeah, tell us why. I'll be completely honest. Do it. And forthright. Yes.

Okay. We appreciate it. Didn't know you. Yeah. With the wings. Sophia. And I'm so aware of your acting work. Yeah.

And, you know, I'll be honest with you. I think the reason why when Mad TV did the OC thing, I just was so intimidated because Matt Defeet didn't feel like a TV show. I felt like more like community theater or whatever. And so maybe I was, I don't know. But anyway, I was just like, you know, I know you as an actress, right? Yeah. And then as soon as I sat down and I,

I listened, it was just like, oh, no, this feels completely up my alley and comfortable. And my perception has been shattered. That's awesome. I think you guys are very good at this. And I would love to have you guys on mine if you guys are available. Absolutely. We should cross promote, but. I'm going to give you a soft no.

I'm just kidding. It's a hard yes. It's a hard yes. Before I go, top three movies, go ahead. What, your top three? Just Friends. Mm-hmm. That's my all-time.

It's comedy. Mm-hmm. You don't know it. I do. Is Ryan Reynolds in it? Yeah. He plays a fat guy? Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen that. Ana Ferris. I love her. Yeah, she's great. Stand by me. Right. Mulan Rouge. Fantastic.

And Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Way. Amazing combination. The next two, Beretka. They're not. They're shit. Just try. Well, Princess Bride is. one. Because I said it.

Because it came out of my mouth. It came out of my mouth. And I can't think of any other. Yeah. Really? So you have two. No, you have to come up with one more. Well, not going to have to come up with like a respectable one and not just like a dirty dancing. The Philadelphia story. The Tom Hanks movie. No. No. Not the eight movie.

You don't want these movies? Do you have to do your three? Already though I think it's I'm just Being there Okay I haven't seen it

No what's being there Have you heard of it? Yes What is it It's like some like really Critic Like like you know For people who like real good movies

So far go ahead It's like what Like really You know It's not Cool movie It's not a cool movie It's not a movie buff

People know No No Okay What is it It's one of Peter Seller's last movies Okay I rest my case

What What? He was at the Pink Panthers. I know, but still. All right, let's not fight. All right. You have to watch it.

It's just the music and the tone of the movie is very life-affirming to me. I want to see it. There's a lot of messages in it. Oh, I have seen it. Can I just tell you the premise of it? Yes, too. Okay. So essentially the premise is a kid, you know what I mean, is kind of orphaned, and he gets taken

in by a rich man to live in his house. And this kid never has an education. right, and he learns everything from television, and he just becomes this, like, rich man's gardener, right? And cut to 50 years later, this guy's still living there, and the rich man dies. And then people come in to foreclose the house, and this guy doesn't, he doesn't know any of the rules

in terms of, like, how do I buy a car or, like, buy a sandwich? Like, he doesn't know anything. And he's just kind of into the world. You know what I mean? And how he figures it out. It's really good. I want to see it. Yeah.

So that's the first one. Okay. The second one is Paris, Texas. Okay. I haven't seen it. I heard of the title. It's a great movie. It's a Vinders movie.

I'll give you the premise in the beginning, right? The movie opens up with a man in the middle of a desert. And he's wearing a suit, but it's kind of tattered. Like, you know what I mean? It hasn't been washed in a thousand years. And he just looks dry. and thirsty, and he's just walking

in this middle of the desert. And he sees like a gas station. And he sees like, like an ice thing, and he tries to get ice, and he passes out. He wakes up in like a makeshift hospital in No,

Bumpfuck, Egypt. And the doctor sees his wallet. There's nothing in it except one phone number. And the phone number is to this guy's brother who lives in L.A. And this guy had disappeared

off the face of this plant. for like 10 years because of love, but that's the opening of that movie. When was that made? In the 80s. You're like a criterion collection day. No, because I like watching, like, really bad movies as well.

Yeah, yeah. Well, your third one better be bad. Well, the third one's, I think, hereditary. That's the name of the movie? It's a horror movie. It's a recent horror movie. It is. Oh, I thought you meant, like,

it's in my DNA. Criterion collection is my DNA No, but it's a horror movie It's one of my favorites Tony Collette's in it It's so good 824 Oh okay, I know what you're talking about I love a good disturbing

Please watch it Absolutely We will be doing that Bobby Anyway, really Thanks for having me on Is that been an hour? You're like please make it stop Wait, we have one more thing we have to do with you

Yeah, real quick Okay, fuck Mary Kill, ready? With who? Rachel Bilsen No, shut up, Rob. Ronda Rousey J-Lo, Megan Fox Oh my God

Oh my God I'd kill Ronda Rousey Are you sure? Yeah She's gonna fight back She would kill you, no? I know She's put me in an arm lock before

Has she? Oh yeah That's why you're gonna kill her I don't think she likes me Oh Oh well then we'll continue Yeah so I'm just gonna get ahead of it Okay

I would fuck J-Lo and then marry Megan Fox Oh, okay All right. You're coming back. Bobby, this is not over. It'll be continued. Thank you. We love you very much.

Well, that was a really fun conversation. I want to do it a lot. I think Bobby really, really loved Sophia. Who doesn't love Sophia? Hey, there's a long line of Sophia is to love. Brand eight. If I were to name me, I would name me Sophia. If my name wasn't Olivia.

Mm-hmm. I've never heard you say that before No one's ever asked No what people say like if you could choose your name Or change your name Do you have a name you would pick Rob? No Have you ever thought about that?

No Well can you do it? Can you think about it? It's not like I'd rather my name be Sophia I thought you wanted your name to be Jade When I was a kid I did See?

Yeah Do you have a name? Yes Thurston Wasn't that your code name? Do you want to announce that? I was going to say Donald and then I realized that's Trump, so I'd act it. No, I actually don't have a name.

Like when I would write things and make myself like a character, I'd always use the name, Sophia. Because I feel like it's another word for Olivia. It's got the same vibe. I really hope Bobby comes back so we can follow up on all of his dating ventures. That would be fun. So fun. So fun. He's so fun.

He is. I'm so happy that he was here. More importantly, Olivia and I discovered something this morning. So we all have kids. We all pack lunches. Do you ever buy those harvest crisp snap peas? Yeah. They're like the dehydrated, you know.

Yeah, yeah. They're good. You get those. Do you ever open them and think to yourself, God damn it Why is this not a resellable bag Most like High-end snacks like that don't

Have like you get the fancier chips They just have the tear They don't have like the kettle chips Yeah I know I know this okay But has it ever crossed your mind No because we expect it And we've got little

Of course it hasn't crossed Rob's mind You've got a little like pin Chip clip Yeah chip clip Just like clothesline pins. Yeah, the clothesline pins. Well, it's weird that she brought it up today because I was packing my kids lunch

and I haven't gotten those in like five years. I got them whatever the other day and was packing the lunch today. And I thought to myself, this is annoying. I have to go get a chip clip. And then I got here and she asked me the question Let's hear it again, Rachel I said

Have you ever Open these pea crisps And thought This should really be a resellable bag And she goes That's weird Fucking weird That's weird

I thought that this morning Of all days I haven't gotten those in five years Guys I'm speechless You need to take a moment Yeah I've got the chills So many times I'm packing my kids lunch or snacks, like the rice rolls.

What's the portion size on the crisps in a bag? It's not supposed to be consumed in a while. No, that's the only thing I can think. No, that's my point. Yeah. It's very frustrating. Well, I'm sure it's probably environmentally. I know, and I said that, and I was going to be like,

don't at me about extra plastic or whatever it takes to make it reseable. I understand that point of view. Keeping the call slow. Okay. But then doesn't it take extra resources to make a chip clip to them? Sure. But that's reusable. Rob, why are you always against us?

I'm not against you. No, you can teach us. No, you can't. You can be contrary. It's fine. I mean, there's a lot. I have to learn about the things that are affecting the environment. So anytime I can learn something new about it, I welcome that.

I'm also learning it from Natalie, to be fair. More conscious? I get yelled at. I get yelled at. For what? What do you get yelled at for? Like which things should be rinsed out and recycled and which things go into the garbage bag? Oh, yeah.

Those things? You don't know the difference between recyclables and garbage bag? Apparently not. Well, like a coffee cup can't because it's got the plastic lining in it. I mean, I've been told I can just look for the recycling symbol. A little low. Yep, it's right there for you on the bottom. What do you mean a coffee thing?

I don't think the Starbucks cup can be recycled. But the lid can. It's like... The lining in it isn't recyclable or something like that. Okay, see, that's new information for me. I did not know that. Do we learn things here? We did.

We did. But Maru's coffee cups can be recycled. Do they pay you? No. I pay them a lot. Yeah, you do. They asked me yesterday. I went after we got finished.

Oh, my gosh. You went and got more? Yeah. And she's like, third visit today? Yeah. Do you walk in as like Norm? Do you get that reference, Rob? I was going to say, do you even get that reference?

No. Cheers, Rob. I watched Cheers. Well, you're Chicago. You should know. Yeah, yeah. They know, but almost all the baristas there know my name and what I get. Yeah.

It'd be weird if they didn't. But there's always a long line at that place, and it's busy. A lot of people. A lot of people. Okay. I feel like we should have someone come in and teach us all the things about the life. Yeah, just all the things.

I wish someone would just teach me how to do this life. No. Like maybe Dakota, like China, they know, you know, Dakota just graduated for environmental studies. And there's a lot of people that know a lot of information about how to the planet. Yeah, I would love. Love.

I think we need to learn. It'd be a huge episode. What? That'd be a huge episode. Rob. What? Rob is a little turd today. You don't think there's plenty of people that want us, anyone to make it easier for them?

I also think people want to just hear Kristen Bell talk about whatever when she's on this podcast. Okay, well then Kristen Bell can come teach us about the environment. It's very knowledgeable about things. Do you guys use plastic Tupperware? No glass. So no plastic, would it be like, throw this out of the house? You don't keep, like, when restaurants, if you have, like, takeout and they give you the ones that are, like, you know, the black with the clear that are reusable? We recycle those.

I mean, we have glass, Tupperware. They have a plastic lid. Okay. Okay. Hmm. Are your children? Do you have a microwave? Yes.

but we didn't for a very long time. When we moved in our house, we put a microwave in. Okay. I do not. I know you don't. It's annoying. I know. I don't use it, though.

I do. I think for the kids that gets used more. Well, it's convenient. Yeah. Okay. I think it's hard to live without a microwave, but I mean... I don't know. I always had one, and then I just never got one for the space that was dedicated for it in my kitchen.

And I've just adapted. That happened to, we had an apartment and then, we're not going to move with a microwave. I love a toaster oven. But is there any actual science to back that microwaves aren't good for you? Okay, Jeff. I mean, he wears off on me. All right. I'm going to change gears for a second.

So I love nothing more than like going over Bobby's, like, dating apps and how he's talking to people. And I think it's so fun. Like, your friends that are on it and you're swiping and everything. I know the line you gave. that really got you smashing in your teeth and a tiger. That is a terrifying line. Rob's horrified. But do you have any other pickup lines that stand out to you?

Um, I mean, I like a good pickup line. Yeah, but it has to be a good... So what makes it a good pickup line? When it's not a pickup line. I mean, smashing your teeth in and then like a romantic... You wouldn't have gone for that? Oh, fuck yeah, I would have gone for that. See, you like it. I love it.

Yeah. I'm not hiding that. And then when we gave him about, like, let's share a tiger, like, let's get a tiger together. Yeah. If someone texts me that, I would be done. I think the context is a little different, though. What do you mean? In, like, the dating app world.

What do you mean? You're just getting rant. Like, when did you get that pickup line? What was a text message? Yeah. Or was it a dating app? No, it was a text message. So same thing.

But I think you've got to say weird shit like that on dating apps now. Oh, you do. To get... Attention. Through the high Sarah messages. I told him what was weak. Like, my dog looks like your dog. Like, no, it's not going to fly.

You got to, like, have something a little more attention grabbing. But I think if a guy came up... If the guy came up to the bar and said that line to you... that lands a little differently than someone sending it on Raya. You're saying I would like it better on the app or in person? What do you say? I think you need to say weird shit like that on apps. If a guy came up to me when I was single and he's like,

I need you to know you're so fucking cute. I want to knock your teeth out and buy you new ones. I'd be done. I'd be like, yeah. It depends, though, on the guy that delivers it. And then he also told me he wanted to get me. a gold chain to match the bikini he's going to get me for our holiday pictures. Who?

Yeah, this guy sounds awful. Who was this? What was this? Jeff. Was it Jeff? No. Oh my God, that is so far from Jeff. You want to know what his pickup line was?

Yeah. Would you like to go to coffee sometime? That was it. Yeah. And I said, yeah. But I don't, but that pickup line on Raya, wouldn't have gotten even a response from you, probably. Depends on who it was from.

One guy did text me once and was like, what are you doing? I want to go spend time with you on a rooftop, drink champagne, and eat Oreo cookies. And I was like, that's good. Oreo cookies thrown in there definitely. Everything up until the Oreo cookies, I was like, and then the Oreo cookies changed the game for me. Yeah.

That was it. Sure. Do you need, like, someone trying, that hard? I mean, clearly not because Jeff just asked me for coffee. He asked me for coffee three times on the fourth time. I was like, you've asked me three times and you've had

no follow through. Do you actually want to go to coffee? And he said, I'm a doctor. I've been saving lives. I'm a little busy. Yeah, he's like, sorry, my pagers going off. Well, he asked you three times but didn't follow up on it. Is that what we were saying? Yeah. Huh. Yeah. So by the fourth time, I was like, are you really going to ask me

that again? This is all on text. He said the cheesiest thing to me. Oh, my God. What was it? Oh, my God. It was so bad. We were at a party. And a friend of ours was like giving salsa lessons randomly. This is before you're dating? Yeah. Your friend was giving salsa lessons at a party? Yeah. Was it a dance party? It was a dance party. We were dancing. Oh, I thought it was just like or some random

backyard barbecue. No. It was like, it was like everybody was dancing and our friend was like a salsa party. dancer, so everyone's like, teach me. So then he was teaching people and Jeff and I danced together and he said to me, oh, it's so uncomfortable to say.

He said, we just took our first steps together in more ways than one. This was before or after coffee asking to take you for coffee. This was before coffee. He said

we just took our first steps together. in more ways than one. And how well did you know him at this point? I didn't. You didn't know about it? He was a stranger at this party. I met him at school. So, like, we all would socialize.

And, like, I had very few conversations with him. Elementary school? No. What is it? She's now married to him with two children. College? It's like a master's program. Sure.

It's not. But it's not college. Was it at a college, though? Master's programs. All right. Yeah. Whatever. It wasn't college.

Robin's little whispers. Oh, my God. Oh, well. I'm speechless. Yeah. But here's the thing. Wait, can we just take a moment? I'm like sweating.

Oh. I'm crying. Oh, my God. Fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Okay, so she's talking about one line that works knocking out her teeth, a line that doesn't work the first step. Well, but what do you mean?

But kind of. She didn't marry that guy. I married him. Okay, fair. But in the moment, you were not like, fuck, this line's good. Oh, no, I felt the cringe in my body. Your vagina turned inside out. No, it didn't.

Oh. I actually felt really down low excited. Because I was like, oh, he likes me. To me, pick up lines seemed to like rehearsed and not very genuine. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Yeah, that's. It's like Night at the Roxbury. I never mentioned that that would actually work.

I've never used the pickup. line. Right. I mean, I don't think that people really get far with them. Like, I think non, like, unintentional pickup lines. Well, but also, once I got to know Jeff, I realized that was a very genuine side of him. He has a very, like, almost hallmarky side to him. Yeah. You know, I am a fucking hopeless romantic. Like, I love that shit. When is genuine. But do you think if someone's romantic with you, that means they're just romantic? Because, like, I do think Jeff. Like he'd be romantic with anyone? Yeah, probably.

Anyone he's interested in. Well, I think it's people's character and what, you know, it's either how they are or not. But doesn't that kind of irritate you? Like they would do that for someone else? Yeah. No, but I know it irritates you because you're just thinking about Jeff doing that with someone else. Yeah, doesn't that irritate you? If a guy was like super, you know, romantic and thoughtful and then you're like, wait a minute, like, is it that I'm so...

Yeah, like, it's not the special one. Yeah. I get that. Yeah. Like I'd have boyfriends who like bring me my favorite like donut and coffee in the morning. And I'm like, well, is he doing that for everyone? Right. Right? But you still want them to do it for you. Fuck yeah. You want a donut and coffee brought to you. But like, you want to be the special one. Yeah. Hmm. What makes you feel special? You know what? I will say when any boyfriend I've had or whatever have done like really thoughtful or romantic things, I do really love that and it does make me feel really good, you know? Well, we learned last week you do not like gifts though. Okay. I mean, I don't like gifts. Someone trying to buy your affection. Well, yeah, of course not.

But if it's thoughtful. If it's like super thoughtful and like unique or whatever, you know what I mean? Like, like thoughtful or like romantic. It doesn't necessarily have to be a material thing. Not buying you a $2,000 bracelet. That doesn't mean anything. No, that doesn't mean anything. No, but like making me like a swing, you know.

Or like I had a TV that was broken and I couldn't watch TV in my bedroom. And when I didn't, like when I was out of town, they came and got a new. TV and put it up and it was all fixed for me. Like that kind of, you know, that's very thoughtful. But yeah, but anyway, just like thoughtful things, you know? Like, what stands out to me in all my years of dating is like a handmaid swing out of wood. Someone listening to someone listening and acting on that, not just like. Like consider it and they actually know you. Not generic girlfriend. Like I've had boyfriends like order things like I would never eat. And I'm like, what? Right. Do you not know. me? What's the thing you send me? The meme? The cookie monster's opening his presence and it's

crackers and he's looking at his wife. He's like, it's like, you don't even know me. That's my favorite. No, but just like the little things. You want someone to really pay attention. Not to say that they don't, and sometimes people can make mistakes. Sure. What's the nicest gift that you've ever given Natalie? Which means what was her favorite gift? It doesn't have to be, you know. I'll get her flowers for no reason. That's great. That are nice. Love flowers for no reason. That's sweet. thoughtful. That's what I'm saying. It's like it's not like I don't want gifts. But it's not that you like this handbag from Kelly. First of all, don't buy me shoes. Don't buy me clothes. Don't buy me things that I really like to buy for myself.

But pay attention to the little things, you know, bring me flowers, whatever. Really good coffee. A Mexican Coke? I'd be thrilled. It's a Mexican Coke. You hear that, guys? I'm serious. You know in the glass ball? It's a real sugar. There's a difference. It's really great with a meal. You, Olivia? Money. Cold, hard cash. Suitcases full of money. Suitcases, bags. I actually prefer to buy my own gifts. Right. That's what I'm saying. I do. Because I know what I like and want. But what do you get excited about if you get, like, what we're saying? Or what I'm saying. I get excited. Flowers for no reason. Oh, yeah. Side card donuts.

Side card donuts. Side card donuts. Way to the heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If Jeff comes in and brings me flowers for no reasons or stuff like that, that makes my day. I feel really loved. Yeah. But you know what I like more than anything?

Watching a show together. Like I like those quality little, you know, moments more than I care about. Or I'd like a vacation more than a bag. Right. You know. Yeah, totally. Yeah. I'd prefer a bag over a vacation. Rob loves his purse collection.

Yeah, I don't know. Just like the little thoughtful things, you know? You know what I was thinking about last night, which, so Jeff's dad is with us right now and his mom recently passed away. And so every time we have dinner or anything, he'll be like, oh, Maddie would have gotten the lettuce wraps or this or that. And I'm like, God, 50 years. of eating with someone. Yeah. Like, you know they're every... Like, you can't even look at a menu.

You go to any restaurant. Yeah, and you just know what they want? And you know who I'm like that with? Well, you, but Leah. Mm-hmm. You know? Like, we could go to any restaurant and look at a menu and know what our best friends would get.

Do you feel that way, Rob? No. But you know what now. When we got a, like, cheesecake factory, I'm like, Rachel would love this, and Olivia would be ordering this. And Natalie says, I don't fucking care. But couldn't you go to any restaurant and pick out what Natalie would be ordering?

Whatever doesn't have dairy in it, which is always like two items. So it makes it easy for you. So you always come off looking good. But does that show that you love someone? Like when I go to certain restaurants and I'm there, I'm like, ooh, Jeff would like that. Or I think of him wherever I eat. Or I think of you. Or if you're picking up food and you can't get a hold of them, but you just automatically get what you know.

what they would get. Shows that you listen and you're a tent. I think that's love. Yeah. And it feels good when they're like, oh, babe, you know me. I love meatball sandwiches. Yeah. Yeah.

I get a lot. So maybe, what was the other thing in love languages when you do? Is it acts of service? Acts of service. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. We're doing that for someone else.

And having it done for you. Right? Absolutely. But I'm just saying I am very much so like that. You love getting. I love getting blow jobs. But I am like that. I like doing things for the people I love and like making

their favorite meals and like their favorite things when you're at a store. You know it's like their thing and you get it because it's thoughtful and you know. Yeah. I think that's love. Rob was like, what the fuck are you guys talking about? But you do that. Rob's very thoughtful.

Did you ever date any of your siblings' best friends? No. Were you ever like crushes or, wait, you have a sister, right? Yeah, I have two sisters. They were, I mean, they were too old. They were older. How much older? Three and four years older.

That's not, my brother's four and a half years older. Yeah, but when I was like, 15 and... The girls are 17? Yeah. 19. And well, the boys, yeah. The other way around works, but not that way, I guess. I can, but not usually.

And I was not close with my siblings, so... Oh, okay. How does your brother feel? about you having dated friends of his. Well, the first go around did not go over well. No. Why? Because he didn't know about it and I was very young.

Yeah, that was his best friend. That was shitty. But like... Not of you. I didn't know. I mean, I was really young. Like 14? Yes.

And how old is? 18. Is that bad to say? I mean, not on your end. It might be under the law. Yeah, no, it wasn't good. Granted, it started a little earlier like he was 17. but yeah

I mean that probably played into why your brother was not a fan of it as well yeah oh for sure I understand from my brother's perspective 1,000% like I want to kick both of our asses you know and I was young and stupid and you know

yeah that's hard my poor brother my brother I love my brother so much me too bad my little brother so stop doing it poor guy can't make any friends Oh, it's really hard to break an old habit.

I know, I know. But that was, and you, you had your older brother's friends that you liked. I always had crushes on my... I think it's a thing. Maybe it's more common. I don't know, this is too much of a general statement, but for, like, little sisters to, like, have crushes on their older brothers' best friends. Yeah, I think that's so normal.

It's, I mean, it was definitely normal for me. It's also that, like, it's taboo. Yeah. Right? Is it? I mean, what brother is like, yeah, go ahead. Take my sister. Yeah, no chance.

No chance. Right? I mean, I think that's like no brother wants their little sister to be pursued. Taking advantage of by their friends. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not being taken advantage of if you're into it. I don't think brothers like the idea of their sister's dating too much in general.

If they think about it, it's like, oh my God, like my little sister's going to have sex with like my friend. They're protected. Of course. Yeah, that's really... You know what, though, is annoying. My brother would always take my boyfriend's sides on things. And I would always be like, he's supposed to be my big brother. It's going to, like, stand up for me.

And he wouldn't. He'd be like, oh, no, he's right. Like, you're acting like a little bitch. Isn't that wrong? Yeah. But it's also like a shit, little shit older brother who's just like, oh, he's going to fuck with you, you know? That was a good pickup line.

One of my brother's friends told me when he saw me. He's like, hey, I figured it out. What's up? I have to get you pregnant. That way, your brother can't get mad at me if we're sleeping together because he's going to then have to be the uncle to my child. Smart little maneuvering there. It seems like a great pickup line.

And it worked? No, it didn't. It didn't work. And that's my firstborn. That was Jeff. That again was Jeff. Jeff's just a predator. Oh my goodness.

All right, guys. Well, this has been eventful and uneventful. I miss Bobby. I miss Bobby. Bobby? Bobby, can you hear me? He's not here anymore. Oh.

Thanks, Rob. I think everything we have said here, guys, is definitely going to help Bobby on his journey. on the apps. We're going to check back in with him, see how our lines went. If he responds to us, hopefully. What if he ghosts us?

I know. It could happen. Maybe we should start sending him pick up one. Maybe we just need to sign pictures of our fallopian tubes and see if he... Let's send him like live animals. If he doesn't respond. Just an actual tiger at his door? Yeah, like a little kitten and be like split custody bitch.

We're sharing this thing. I should have been a guy. I would have gotten so much action. Sophia. Oh, Sophia. I like that as your alternate persona. It's just like Sophia now. That's what happened.

It's Sophia. Okay, until next week. Bye. Bye. That was a headgum podcast.