Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Bobby Lee on Death, Dating Above Your Number, and Stand-up Advice

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Bobby Lee [MADtv, Harold & Kumar, Pineapple Express] talks to Rachel and Olivia about pubes, dating and his plans to escape to a desert. They also discuss death and God, before Bobby trains Rachel and Olivia in stand-up comedy.Broad Ideas is supported by Quince. Go to Quince.com/ideas for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.Broad Ideas is supported by Firstleaf. Go to TryFirstleaf.com/IDEAS to get your first box.To hear more from Bobby, check out his podcast Bad Friends. Available wherever you get your podcasts.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast on HBO Max, or, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Broad Ideas. You guys, we have our honorary fourth member of the Broad Squad, Bobby Lee. This is the first time on video.

Oh, yeah. It's the first time everybody gets to look at Bobby while he talks to us. Shows us a lot. Disclaimer for underage eyes for this episode. Yeah, there's a lot of Bobby that gets shown. Just pubic region, right? Region. Yeah.

We hit the regionals. Let's just have him. Come on in. Sometimes when the worst's sick inside of Rachel's little brain, all these thoughts are swirling round and round inside to join us on this journey as we take a little ride. We'll talk about dogs and kids and things. We'll talk about chicks and tampon strings.

We'll talk about boys. People die. You go with the couch, too. You do. Green. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. Oh, God.

It's so good to see you. It's so good to see you ladies again. Oh, my gosh, it's been just a dream. Just being a part of your life. This is our favorite day of any year, month. How many times have I done this so far? This is three. This is three, right?

Have you had a guess before? No, no. You're our only. Why? Because you're our favorite. Oh. That's fine. Oh, oh, oh.

Wow. What a wonderful, wonderful thing. It's good to be here. What? You're a wonderful thing. You're a wonderful thing, too. How's everything? How's your lives?

We just got back from the biggest blizzard of all time. Yeah. What blizzard? In mammoth. Ooh, skiing? No. No. It was a film festival.

Oh, what's Aspen? No. Mammoth. There's a film festival in Mammoth? Yes. They have one big bear too, or no? No. I don't think.

I don't know. What film are you in? So many. Really? No. We were executive producers on this film that was. It was screening and nominated. And you guys produced it?

Yeah. And it's a, um, is it a documentary or a scripted movie? It's really, really good and intense. It's called what, infected? Continue. Oh, continued, sorry. Infected. All right, I love to write to infect.

That's our next one. Continued. Continue. From what? From what? Is it a sequel? Is it a sequel? No, just living.

It's about, it's pretty heavy. It's a heavy topic. Oh, it's a heavy, is it AIDS? No. No, suicide. Oh, no, that shouldn't even be fun of it. I'm so sorry about it. Well, it's a scripted show.

It's not really, real. It's based on true events. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Did you know somebody that? It's the filmmaker. It's her story. It's her story.

She died. No, she made the movie. She survived. Oh, she survived? No, I'm not laughing. No, I'm not laughing. No, I know you're not. She's laughing.

You're laughing and it makes me smile. Why are you laughing? I'm always laughing. Did she try to kill herself? Yes. But she lived. She lived. Wow.

So what's her story? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But she made it. She did make it. Yeah, yeah. That's a positive. It's a very powerful, beautiful message.

It's powerful? Yeah. It is. In what way? It truly is. Because it hits on so many things like in the human condition and you're just like forced. Yeah.

It gets sad. Fuck. Does it get life? Life's sad. Yeah. Life does get sad. How is your life? Oh my God.

I get really bad. Yeah, it sucks. It gets so bad that, like, I just want to like, you know, sometimes I'll go, like, I'll look at all my finances. Yeah. And go, okay, I'm going to, I could sell this, this and this, get to grab all my money and just disappear. Where would you go?

Yeah. The desert. Which one? Would it help? Well, I don't know what desert, like Nahara. Is there a Nahara desert? No. I think there's Sahara.

That's it. That's it. That's the one. Not Nahara. I would go to the Nahara of a desert or some mountain top. Oh. But don't you think you would get there and then you'd be. depressed?

Yeah, but I'm depressed anyway. So it's not going to change. You'd rather be alone. I'd rather be alone and depressed than like try to like, you know. It's always like this business that makes me sad. It's a fucked up business. And comments and people's reactions to me online. It makes me so sad.

So I'm like, well, I could just sell everything and just go to the Nahara, you know. Well, do you learn to maybe not read them? Some, they slip by. I'll tell you why. Why? Because that's how I get titties. Oh, so you have to read them for the day. So to get the titties.

Yeah. So I go to my direct message, I get a lot of titties. You do? Just like titty pictures or just women? I get fallopian tubes. You do. Oh, yeah, like, look inside, you know what I mean? Yeah.

And I'm a doctor. I'm like more of a scientist. It's not sexual. So I want to know how the body works. We just heard about a woman that has an only fan with two vaginas that she shows. How do you feel about that? Where's the other one? They're both right there.

They're both right there. They're both right there. It's impossible. No, it's possible. What, you look inside and there's another one. Well, I asked. I'm like, are they both external? Did we get an answer?

We didn't get an answer, but we do know someone with two vaginas. I know, but is it, say, if I open up a vagina, I'll go, there's another vagina, or is it, like, side to side? That's what I don't know. That's what, we don't have the answers. You know what, I bet you're going to have a DM probably with the answer shortly. Let me ask you guys a question. Yeah. If you had a vagina, two vaginas.

I do have one. Yeah, we have one. I don't want to think about it. But if you had two vaginas and one was, like, off to the side, like an underdeveloped one. Yeah. Like it was your like Siamese twin that didn't develop, only the vagina shows. And you were with a guy, right?

And then, you know, he's like pulling your pants down, right? Yeah. And then he just starts eating your sisters, right? Would you be offended or would you go like, oh, just continue? Continue. You would. You know what I would do? I put like underwear over my sisters.

That's not mine. That's Sophia. It's just the vagina. Yeah. Why did you say you didn't want to think about our vaginas? Because he's like our brother. Right? I don't view you like you have one.

Oh, okay. Holy. We're like Barbies. We're like Barbies? No. Oh. I am gentle. I don't.

You respect us. I don't respect. I don't respect you at all actually. Quite frankly. You know what I mean? But I think that I don't look at, it's like when you're like, I used to be on a sketch show. Yeah.

And I used to, and also I'm around female comics all the time. I just don't view them as a, not feminine. I just don't view the gender really because it's like their work, their workmates. Right. So are we workmates? Yeah. Okay. This is work.

Yeah. Yeah. So I view, it's like if we were in a war. Is this hard work? No, it's not hard work. Yeah, yeah. It's not like manual labor. But if you and I were in a war, we're in a foxhole, like I wouldn't go, oh my gosh, she has a vagina.

No, I would like that wouldn't even bring my mind. We'd be your warmates. Yeah. Okay. Okay. We'd die together. Yeah. Anyway, so two vaginas.

Yeah. Only fans. Would you ever do one? Only fans? Yeah. No. Not naked. They don't have to be naked.

Well, we talk about this a lot that people want to see her feet and like pay for her to post her feet. Let me see her feet. She's really nice feet. I was going to pull mine out. Yeah. I'll show you. Let's swap feet. All right.

Let me see her feet. I mean, they're not, I haven't had a pedicure. Oh, that's that's a peti cure. That's nice. Doesn't she have nice feet? Look at mine. Let me see. Oh, wait.

You have a better peti-eatier than I do. Nails. Toil-nails and nails are both painted same color. Do you go to the salon and just... Yeah, Rachel. I go to the fucking salon. What are you talking about? Of course I do.

I get gels. I can afford it, yeah. You get gels in your toes too? Yeah, I can afford gels now, man. I don't even go to like Vietnamese people anymore, man. I got Armenians and stuff. That's the next level. That doesn't bother you with the gel on your...

feet. It doesn't burn. What are you talking about? It just stays. Bother you. Why would it bother me? I get claustrophobic that I can't take it off. You know, you have to go in and get it taken off. Oh, and like, so good. Yes. Yeah, they do that machine. Gives me anxiety. Well, I mean, those are your issues. I know. I was just wondering if maybe you had them. I never know. I don't have those same ones. Damn it. How's your life good? It's so good. Yeah. Marriage is good. Right. I do it every day. Is it, is it fulfilling, though? Uh, it's, no. Are you fulfilled?

I'm fulfilled as a human. I think that if anyone looks to a relationship to fulfill them, they're going to be fucked. Mm, it's a partnership. Yes. But can I ask you, how long you've been dating your husband? I mean, been with your husband? 11 years. Oh my God.

So is it boring? No. He's really not. He's not. He's not boring. He keeps me going. Yeah. You know, like.

Like in the mornings, like when you wake up. Yeah. I mean, he's not entertaining in the morning. In the mornings when you wake up. Do you guys make money? Morning love. Do we make money? Morning love.

No, we have two kids that come into our bed. Dude, that's boring. Would you ever get married? At this point, I think it's over for me. What do you mean? You do. Oh, he's crying. They do.

It's over. Why do you say that? Yeah. I've been out there now later. I've been out there in the game, you know. Remember the last time I talk to you guys, you know, I've been out there. I know. It's not good out there for me.

What do you mean? Yeah, tell us about it. No, I don't want to know. Why? You want to know it? I'll get there. Okay. Yeah, but what do you mean, but what you're saying?

By what I'm doing? What are you asking me again? I'm sorry. I'm like, I'm not saying. What are you asking? What are you asking? I'm asking what it's been like since we saw you last because the last reason, the first time we saw you. Yeah, what was the first?

You were like. Like all about the... You were just getting out of a relationship. Yes. And all of the incoming messages and like provocative pictures and meeting girls in Vegas and whatnot. Yeah, I've been out in the wild for a very long time now. It's a different, I'm a different man. Oh.

Then the next time we saw you, you liked someone. I did? You did. I don't even remember that. You did. That's how far along I've been out there. Really who? Do you remember who I'm talking about?

Mm-mm. What was that described to me? What did I say? She was a good girl. And they're all good girls. She was a good girl. I'm a bad boy. No, I'm not too.

What do you mean? Yeah, I mean, I think I did have feelings for somebody maybe a little bit, but then you get to know them. Yeah. And then they dissipate. Why? What makes it dissipate? A little, like, here's a thing. I just can't deal with.

That's like little things annoying the fuck on me. I'd like to hear them. And I just, well, I have checklists now. Okay. Do it. We want it. We want it. Okay, number one, if your musical tastes don't go beyond Taylor Swift, I cannot do it.

If your film references don't go beyond elf, right? I cannot do it. You know what I mean? There's just certain things that's like, join the human race, join culture. There's so much out there to like, you know, learn and to know about and to immerse yourself in. and if you can't go beyond creatively in your own fucking stupid little fucking head beyond those two fucking things,

I can't fucking deal with that. But here's a thing, though. Last time you were saying you had age parameters and I want to... I have age parameters still. What are they? But they ended at like 30, right? And so was it...

Olivia, I don't even know what you're trying to do right now. You're trying to get me all like all argumentative and stuff and I will go there with you. But I'm saying right now you're like crossing the line. I'm going to say something to you right. Fuck you. You're right. What do you talk?

When I was fucking... You're fucking 16 years old, all right? I had a Velvet Underground album. Was that my era? That was in the 60s, right? I knew who Rock Wananoff was. Yeah. You know what I knew?

I knew composers, like, Hemingway is not like from my generation. Right. Hemingway is from thousands of years, whatever, you know what I mean? Thousands of years ago. Whenever he did it, you know what I mean? My point is is that that's not an excuse about age.

I don't think it's an excuse, but I do think there's a difference between our culture, how we were raised without having social media, internet, all of that stuff. We would go into our parents' shit. No, no, no, that's not true. You don't think it's true. No, no, no, no. I do, I don't know what you're trying to do, but you're poking.

And I will go there. Okay, so let me, I had friends in high school, okay? That, like, we would have, how would we watch movies back in the day? VHS. Yeah. Blockbuster. Right. Right.

So I would go to, right, and my friends would go, oh, I'm going to get this. Ernest goes to camp. Yeah. Remember those earnest movies? Yeah. Hey, right? Yeah. And I'm like, I'm going to get like Last Tango in Paris. Like, what are you doing?

Right. Right. So I'm saying it's not a generational. It's about what you're seeking. And I want to go out with a seeker. Okay. All right. I don't want basic shit anymore.

Good. All right. So that's what I'm saying. So I've been going out with like people that have base. That's my checklist. Okay. Let's go back to the checklist. Yes.

Go back to the checklist. That's one, right? Number two, they have to be able to function in my social realm. Okay. It's like Lord of the Rings, man. It's like, you know, if you and us three were going to the Shire, you know what I mean?

We'd ask Shire questions. And we're like, what shoes do you wear or whatever? I don't know. That's a bad example. Let me say something. What I'm saying is that I want a woman to be able to go into my realm and survive socially. Right.

Now, you ladies can do it because it's like you guys, you know, celebrities. Right? So what I'm saying is a woman that has a job at Bucca de Pappo. I want to be able to do whatever. They want to be able to survive. Like, if I bring them to Whitney Cummings House for a party. They need to hang. They need to be able to hang.

What? Like Whitney probably like, you don't think she likes me. No. The girls that I go out were like, let me get a selfie with everyone. It's like embarrassing. Well, you can't bring that. That's what I'd say. That's in the checklist.

Yeah, that's a good checklist. Yeah, that's important. It's called tact. You want a woman that can read the room. Yes, it's so important. But not everyone has that. No? No, of course not.

Yeah, they're, or they clam up. Oh. It was like, here's, you know, so-and-so, and they go, you know what I mean? And they clam up. It's like my assistant, I want to say her name, Melanie, I'll say it, why not? Yeah. I had Howie Mendel call her about something. And then she froze.

when she talked to him. What do you mean? Because he called her out of nowhere. She was like, hello. She's like, you know, hi, it's Howie Mendel. I need Bobby. You know what I mean? And she's like, I guess she's a huge Howie Mendel fan.

Okay. And she just locked up. This is amazing. I know. For him. Like, that must be. I don't know what you're trying to say right now, dude. I'm saying you must feel like that.

No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Olivia. Olivia? Listen. Fuck you. I'm not. I don't know what you're trying to say right now.

But Howie Mendel is a fucking. fucking celebrity. Oh, I know that. And also mainstream America, right, likes them. But she works for you. I don't like what you're trying to put Howie down.

She works for you. I love Howie. Have you met him? I have met him. He's a sweet man. Yeah, yeah. She's saying that she works for a celebrity. So why is she's based by another celebrity?

Because she doesn't like, if 10 Dylan calls her or like, I don't know, Mark Norman, right? She doesn't know them. She's basic. Like she's like, oh. You know, she's like, I'm going to watch AGT. I don't even know what that's on.

Yeah. Right. You know, she grew up with deal or no deal. Yeah. She's like basic. Got it. Yeah, I get it. So what I'm saying?

Anyway, what are we saying? Oh, yeah. Anyway, we're going to my checklist. Yeah. So, so tact. Yep. They have to have tact. Yes.

Like one of the, I don't want to say this. Say it. I know. Because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. Oh. People. Well, you're not saying names. I know.

Let's just say this. Okay. That I was dating a girl I liked and then one of my friends, one of my best friends. Yeah. Go, yeah, she's annoying. I've already said that was like, I can't do it. Because your friend said that? Yeah.

Did you think she was annoying too? She could have been. He confirmed it. You were on the fence. You obviously didn't like her. No. Why? Because.

I would have defended her? Yeah. She's not annoying? You'd be like, bitch, you're annoying. Oh, right. Yeah, I guess maybe. No, I liked her. I just, she was on the, like, you know,

Everyone's on the fence until they're not, you know? I do. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's, okay, how do you feel about that, though? The friend's influence is a thing. Yeah. Big time.

Well, my friends are people that generally I'm in business as well. So it's more than just, you know, it's like I need her to be able, I need my business partners and my friends to be able to be around someone I'm dating. Yeah. I don't want to be able to separate like scheduling and stuff and go. Well, well, I can't invite her to this because so-and-so is going to be. You know, I don't want to do that. Because she's annoying.

It's, you know, sometimes girls get drunk and then they become annoying. Well, yeah. Yeah. It's horrible. It's not cute. Yeah. And you're sober. Bread.

Doing good with it. Breath. Oh, bad breath. Well, it's drinking breath, you're saying. No, that's a checklist. Not just breath. Oh, just breath. Yeah, just breath.

Yeah. I hear you. But it's also now that we're in breath, kissing. Yeah. I mean, it's like. like, it's not a car wash. You know what I mean? Oh.

Stop it. Stop it. I'm like, oh. Like, just not, like, go in slow. Yeah. Agreed. Just, you know, do lip work. Kissing's a big deal.

A little lip work. You know what? Yeah. Lip work. Would you guide them? What? Would you guide them? Here's another thing.

You can't guide no girl about that, about stuff like that. Like, even like, blow jobs. They can't go. Why? Little to the left. You can't. And then the beginning. How long do you think it takes do you can be?

A year. No. A year. No. A little to the left. To the left, to the left. You can't do that. I would prefer that as a woman.

I don't want to waste my time doing something that's not like for you. I don't want to go down on you, Olivia, and you go, you're doing it wrong. Yeah. Have you ever told someone they're doing it wrong? Never. No. That's what I'm saying. Right.

No. You can't go, you're doing it wrong. I said one time I go, one girl, I go, and she stopped. And she got in a fight. I go, it's not a joystick at an arcade. Well, I think it's the delivery of the way you say it. The way I said it. And she was like, she was like, it was not good.

Well, a joystick wouldn't be good. Yeah, she was just like, we are playing fucking, you know what I mean? Street fighter at an arcade. I think you could say slow down or speed up or. No, you can't. You can't. Speed up. A little?

Yeah, yeah. A little. Slow down. Yeah, I mean, come on. A little fast. To the left. Fast slow. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. And we're done. Do you mind that? No, I wouldn't mind that. I'd be like, I'd be like, good. I guarantee you what.

You're saying that now in front of your fans on camera. Nobody's in here. No, but people are watching. I'm saying that it would annoy you. I guarantee it. Well, if it was constant, then I'd be like, I'm not taking the note. Okay, go on. But with kissing, you can't, like, when you first kiss somebody.

And that's like, you. Huge, right? It's like, that's your style? What else does that seep into? Right, yeah. The kind of spaghetti you like, I don't know, you know? Some of it. I don't know, that's terrible.

It's terrible. You're like meat sauce. But anyway, so, oh, back to the checklist. Yeah, yep. So breath slash kissing. Yes. That, that, so cultured, that social, right? Yep.

Oh, and it's also, well, now I'm going to get into, like, like stuff that. Yep, we are. Like, because I shave. Okay. You like hairless. I'm not going to show you all of it, but.

You know, it's trim. Yeah. You know what? I don't like your facial expression now. And I think, you know what? Can I sound honest? I'm going to call you racist. Oh.

You know what? Your face was a little racist then. Yeah. Because they were straight pubs and you're used to curly. There wasn't any pews. What? What? I'm talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your face was like, you're like shaved. I didn't like it. So that's rude. Anyway. There was no curly pubs. And I don't think you look. You turned your head.

Oh, no, I looked. What is it going on here? I was. Can you hear me? Everyone hear me? Yeah, I was looking. Oh, God. Yeah, so I groom a little.

That's great. That's great. May you groom as well. Yes, agreed. Oh, so you come across some ungroomed and kept women. Oh, you do? I mean, What are you, a fucking grizzly bear?

Like, what's going on here? I can't. Well, that's not for me. You know? We don't live in log cabins. You know, you have manscape or whatever you, whoever sponsors you. Man scape. Or whatever sponsors your podcast.

But, um, so that you grew up like pits. Do you do pits? Oh, my God. Oh, are you insane? You do pits. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Legs I'm fine with. I get legs go awry. I shave my legs every day. Yeah, okay. You know, it's so funny, I'm saying this right now, and I look at myself in the mirror, I go, I can't even, like, there's probably, I probably don't check other people's checklist.

Well, none of us are doing this, you know what I mean? My hygiene's not the best. You know, so, you know, it's like you have to find, you know, the right person where interlocks in that way. Yeah. Like, I check theirs and they check my, you know, and that's hard. Support for broad ideas comes from Quince.

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As a member, I get access to their incredibly helpful wine content. So if I want wine-paring advice or to talk about the wines in my box, I can always speak with one of their experts. Plus, I get member-exclusive pricing on every order. Join the club today and discover new wines you'll love with First Leaf. Go to try firstleaf.com slash ideas to get your first box. That's T-R-F-I-R-F-T-L-E-A-F dot com slash ideas. Try firstleaf.com Here's another one. I'm like, yeah, no go. Is this boring? No. No. Perfect.

I think, you know, I just need to get it out there. You need to get it out there. I have two more. And that's it. And then we'll move on. We don't have to. So, I think I'm done with White. Oh, okay.

Because of the way we age, was that it? Oh, thank you. You're welcome. That's some of it. Okay. You're 40, you look like Clint Eastwood already. Like, what's going on? Not you guys.

Hollywood, but oh, yeah, yeah. No, that's, I'm not kidding. No, I'm fine with that. I like Lenny's but, no, no, white people in that, here's what I don't like. Okay. They're not used to Asian smells and they're not used to Asian, like here's what I don't like. You bring a white girl to an ethnic restaurant and then they're just like, you mean, what is it? You know, like, here's, okay, here, no, just listen. Okay, okay. And I don't want to start a war with white women. No, we're not.

We're not. We don't. What I've noticed is this. What? A white woman will ask what it is before they eat it. An Asian woman will ask what they just ate. Interesting. Right?

They'll just go in. All right. So it's just like, what is it? I go, these are sauteed butterfly wings, whatever it is. And they're like, no. An Asian woman will eat it. And I'll go, that was sauteed butterfly wounds. And they'll go, oh, yeah, my grandma makes it bad.

You know what I mean? I just don't like this like, you know, picky, you know what I mean, foreign, you know what I mean? But don't you think it goes back to like the not cultured thing maybe more than like... Oh, you think I'm running over the same category? Well, I just feel like maybe those can go hand in hand instead of just like white women can't stand. Smells they don't know. Yeah. Okay, maybe.

I don't know. Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. I mean, the other, the culture thing was more music. and film and this is more. Okay. That's, I feel like someone that has a culture for music and film and life in general is going to be more open to try things.

Experiences and trying things. But if you get a girl that's like, I've only watched Elf and I like Taylor Swift and then you hand her butterfly wings, she's going to be like, no, thanks. Like that is the same woman. I think you're right. Yeah. I think we are too. Yeah.

I've had girls say at my mom's house, what's that smell? You know what I mean? And I'm like. That goes back to tact. Yeah, you're right. That same fucking woman. All of the things. Yeah, those are like, it's like dried squid that's in the kitchen.

What are you talking about? That she hangs, like as if it's like an ornament of some sort. Okay. So that's, okay, so that was another one. Yeah. I had another one. You did. Yeah, yeah.

I completely forgot about, but it's very important. Is it physicality in any sort of way? Physicality. Oh, yeah. I can go there too. That's a very interesting thing. You know, I don't have like a type. Like in terms of like ethnicity or even body structure.

Or like height or whatever. Yeah, I don't have a height thing. Okay. And I don't have a titty thing size. Okay. You know what I mean? I have a little bit of a badge thing. But, you know, I've had a variety.

A little bit of a what thing? Edge? Vaj. Oh, Vaj. What is it? What's the thing? Come on, please. Yeah, Bobby, come on.

I don't want to get in trouble. What? Well, there's smells. Yeah. Number one. Yeah. If you have an eye, like, an urinary,

urinary tract infection. A UTI. Yeah. I just said that. You said I. You started with an eye. But I said then urinary. You got it.

You got it. Yeah. You got it. Tell me that before I go down there, you know. Oh. Do UTIs make it? like potent. And there's a smell.

Oh. You know? That might be bacterial. Yeah. I'm like, I like bacteria-free. That's a good, there's nothing wrong with that.

Thank you. Thank you. Is that weird or no? No, I think that's actually very... A little bacteria is fine with your human being. But there's like a Coachella of bacteria going down there.

That's an infection. You know, like... You know, I was out there. You know what I don't like that. Not that you two are playing Coachella. And then also, shape. Shape.

Okay. Interesting. Yeah. What kind of shapes do you? Vaginal shaped? What are the different shapes? Yeah. What are the different shapes?

And it's so interesting. Like I've dated some mothers. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it snaps back. I'll tell you that. That's good. You know what I mean?

So it's like, you know, I dated this one. I still date her, but there's one girl. I'm still dating her. And she is a mother of two. Mm-hmm. And I saw, and I looked at it in the light. Like, it looks like we've never had kids. Yeah.

Great. Yeah. I gave her thumbs up. Oh. Like this, right? And then some women are like, wow, did your vagina go through a war? Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, did it save, like, went through five, you know what I mean? Duties in Vietnam or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, there's a purple heart on it. It's a hero? What's going on here? It's, you know, it's just got like a pirate vibe.

You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? You know what? And I don't like that. Do you think it came that way or do you think that... That's interesting genetics. Yeah. Well, I have a theory and I'm probably wrong and it's not scientific.

But I think the size and shape of a woman's mouth is directly proportional to the size and shape with their vagina. I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know what that means. I do. You're staring in my mouth right now. Yeah. So, and ladies.

No, Buono. Oh, my God. Do you think it's true about guys with their hands and feet? Yeah, I've sized nine feet, so mine's average. Thank you. So you. Okay. Yeah, I think so.

May you share about it about yours? Like, how do you feel about yours? How do I feel about it? Feel pretty good about it. Okay, good. And I'm proud of you. Thank you. And I'm like, so supportive of it.

Yeah. Congratulations. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. How do you feel about yours? Not great. No? It's a grower, for sure.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Andrew Santino saw the other, he goes, and he sits on, did it shrink, but I would go, it was like, it was like an accident to look. Right. He was supposed to see it. Yeah, you weren't ready.

Yeah, it wasn't ready. Yeah, it wasn't ready. Yeah, it wasn't ready. Yeah, it was like, still in makeup. I get that. And then he gets the set, gets on to, you know what I mean, mark, action, and then he is, you know what I mean, he knows his lines.

Do you? Do you need validation when it comes to it? I don't give a shit. I'm 52. Like, what do I get to? You don't care. I can't believe you're 52. Yeah.

It's the truth. Thank you. Yeah. But yeah, death is around the corner. Yeah, you're close. No, I think so. Yeah. I mean, when Richard died, I was like, just like,

he's just got fucking startled. He's shocked by it, you know? And then, you know, when you get old, how old are you guys? Forty-two. 44. 44? Yeah. That's great, man.

Thanks. Thumbs up. But do you fear death? Recently. Why? I don't think I fear death at all until having kids. It does take on a different thing when you're, like, going to leave them. I don't want to leave them.

What do you mean? I don't want to leave them. Like, if you die, you leave your kids. Not now. But as you get older, you're going to want to leave them. I have a thing about death that, like, when you die, you don't know. Like, so...

Oh, no. Okay, so stop. So what you're saying, what you believe is when one dies, it's nothingness. Sort of. Okay, what do you think you're feeling when you're dead? Nothing. Okay. Oh, you don't think there's an afterlife for reincarnation or anything?

Yes, I do believe in all that other stuff, but just from my own anxiety or, like, fear of it, I can comfort myself like, well, once you go, you don't know you're gone. Yes, because I don't know when I'm like sleeping. Right. Right. I mean, I dream, but there's not a real consciousness like now, you know what I mean?

Right. So that's another number. Or when you're knocked out, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? But I've never been knocked out, but you don't know. Right. You know, so it's like, but you're on drugs sometimes when you're knocked up. But if not, I mean, even if you like fall, you know, and get knocked out,

I don't know if you're like conscious about it. It's not even scared to even think about it. But so you think there's like, but you think there's any kind of awareness? Never. I think that there's. You get absorbed in some sort of energy vortex. Yeah. Yeah.

It just helps my brain. You know, I struggle with that all the time because it's like I do believe in God. I believe in, I believe that I'm taken care of in a weird way and that everything is kind of happening for the reason. and I feel like I'm witnessing my own life. And I try and I go out there and do the best I can. I'm not one of those that's like I'm living in fear. So I'm out there, you know what I mean, giving it a good go. But also I feel like when you give it a good go and you walk through fear

and you take the necessary steps that you're kind of taken care of, things just unfold the way they're supposed to unfold. So like when I'm watching like, you know, I see like a billboard like, crazy rich Asians. I'm like, there's a reason why I'm not in that. What's a reason? I'm not good enough.

You know what I'm just not good enough? I'm not like, you know what I mean? Like the top Asian. You know? Yeah, or any billboard really, to be honest. I look and I go,

oh my God, Randall Park's much better or Ronnie Chang. You know what I mean? You'd think those things. But I have a different path. That's not making me feel better, though. No, I do.

Because in many ways, it's so funny, it does because in many ways, I don't think I want that. Right. I think what I want, here's Guy Torrey, you know Guy Torrey? I know the name. He's a black comic and he had a brother named Joe Torrey. He still has a brother. He's not dead. And they had a lot to do with like Def Jam in the early days and all that stuff.

But Guy told me, 25 years ago he told me this. goes, you know, when I look at my career, every year I want to just do something that's different. So, you know, and I've done that. Like every year I'm like, oh, I never thought I would be here doing this. And this is like something that I couldn't even fathom or dream of. This right here. Like being what, in Pasadena? Yeah.

But I think, you know, I'll be honest with you. You're right. Yeah. Right. I think you're right. Because I used to be so intimidated by you. What? Yeah, like, dude, you're like Hollywood fancy.

I know, now I know you're garbage, but like, you know what I'm kidding. You're a great person. But my perception of you was always like, oh, that's like, you know what I mean, the high life. Yeah. And then you get to know somebody. You're like, oh, no, they have their own issues and stuff like. But like, so I never thought I would ever like, you know, be doing pop. Like back in the day, I would never thought, all that talented woman from the O-S.

is somebody that I'm going to podcast with once, one day at her house or whatever. Multiple times. Multiple times. Like that wasn't in. Yeah, but I loved you from. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get, I get, I get it. I get it. He's like, I know why you, I know why you saw. But, you know, yeah, so like, you know, so as long as like, and that's happened. You know, I've just, like, I just have had real, like, real big ups, but there's some downs. I've had some real bad times. Yeah. You know, but...

Do you question your faith in those times? Do you think, oh, there's nothing? I'm not being guided. Like, has anything... Oh. It's funny. Like, last year was like... This year is the best year of my life.

Wow. Since January. Really? No, it's just been like absolutely incredible. Really? Since January, yeah. What? It's just, I don't know.

It's just... The types of shows I'm doing, like, and just the love I'm getting. And also, you know, business-wise, it's like I'm getting weird, like, cool projects. And I think I'm just more of a witness to, you know, like, very present and going, this is great. Because last year was the worst year of my life. It was fucking terrible. Like, I had some downs, man.

And I didn't think I was going to get through it. I would call my sponsor and I'd go, I'm just like, I don't think I'm going to work again. And he would go, maybe. Maybe not. And like by him saying that it really was, like he's true, it was real, you're so convinced at certain outcomes. I want to talk about myself where I go, well, because these things are happening.

You know what I mean? It's going to lead to nothing. you know what I mean and bad you know and it's like it's just my mind going against me it's not who I am my mind right it's just yeah it's just my brain thinking you know right and then observing those thoughts you know I mean my spouse would just observe your thoughts because they're not real you know what's fear false evidence appearing real you know and then um and I really did think that like um certain things were going to happen and then he would also say like um it's like if I'd say talk about something that's not real or in the future,

you go, what does that have to do with Thursday's business, meaning it has nothing to do with what's going on right now. Right, right. And I would just kind of, like, I really, last year, my therapist and people around me, I had to like really listen to these things because, you know, I went through a breakup

and, you know what I mean? Wars with other podcasters, you know, I had people after me online. I mean, just all these things happening at once. And I was just like the pressures of it all. And I and then I just kind of weathered through it and cried a lot and went to a lot of meetings and went to therapy and I did all these things.

And then now this year is completely different. And who knows, it could change, but that's another thing I can't do. When's the shoe going to drop? Right. I know. That's another thing that we do to wear us all. All constantly. Yeah.

How long are you sober now? January 25th, I had two years again, which is great. Yay. I will say, I think the first, at least for me in my experience, the first two years of sobriety were the worst years of my life. They were by far the hardest years of my life. Yeah. And then something happens after year two where there's a psychic shift.

And you start to kind of. Like the doctor's opinion. Like the doctor's opinion. It's true. Yeah. Dr. Silkworth. Yeah, it's true, though. There's something that happens where you start to see the world a little bit different.

And that, to me, is the miracle. It's like, it's not necessarily that everything's changed. So you see it a little different. You see it different and I respond to things differently is what you're saying. Yeah. Whatever I also have to, I've had to do is detach myself from my dream. How do you do that? Yeah, and what is the dream?

Is it a surrender? No, I mean, in many ways, my whole life has been this, the dream. I got to make it. You know what I mean? I got to get these things, you know what I mean? And you sort of have to kind of go, if I lose it, fine. Yeah, acceptance. And you'll do something else.

And you'll be fine. What would you do if you lost it all? It would be hard at first. I'll admit, it would be hard at first. But I think I would figure it out. I don't know what I would do. I think I have, I would live, obviously, if I lost it all, I would probably live not as lavishly as I'm living now.

Not that I buy, I'm not like other people where I buy cars or stuff like that. But, you know, I... Yeah, what do you buy? Oh, my God, like expensive meals. Meals, food. Yeah, I was about to say you probably get a lot of good take. Yeah, good takeout. I also, you know, like clothing and trips and stuff. Like I spontaneously take trips and stuff. So that would probably, I would still do those things, but probably a little less.

And then I don't know. But I think I would be more active in my sobriety. I think that would help. like be helpful you know i started my own meeting in l.A and it's you know it's at you know a place it's at a club and it's um it's for comics mainly but like other people have shown up and it's been really great so i could go even if i'm not a 100% yeah oh my god i'll let you know where it is if you're ever in the area absolutely that's really but it's really great it's like good comics good different writers i want to go yeah yeah it's It's great. Just regular people.

I mean, it's great. And me and my friend Brittany started it. It's just been great. But it saved my life in many ways. Because a couple of people I've, you know, not that I had any to do with it, but to watch, you know, guys that to get it, I think that's what it is. Yeah. When you see somebody that just so broken down and so lost, get it. And trust me, it's one out of every 20.

Let's be honest. Yeah. But when you see it, it's like. like it's really just like affirming you know like you know that maybe that's why I'm here to be a tool in that way and that all this other thing stuff is bullshit and trust me I fucking have dedicated years of bullshit just trying to make it and be cool and and to all this stuff and it's like for what and it's never enough right what it's stupid and it's not enough it's not enough. It's not like you get there and you're like, okay, good now, right? No, it's never enough.

No. It's never enough. You're just kind of like, um, now what? Do you think that you're as an addict, do you think that it comes into your work as well? Or do you think that it goes hand in? Hey, what do you mean? Like, to me, the way I equated is I have the disease of more. So it doesn't matter what it is. I want more. Yeah, but it's a, that's a trap, right? So it's like, no, I've been trying to like, like, like, I just booked this movie, right? Mm-hmm. And it's like not a Hollywood movie. It's European financed.

And, you know, there's some weird people in it. To say the least. You know, it's, you know, it's shooting in Malta. Mm-hmm. Right? And it's like, it's not like, you know, I mean, Timony Selema or whatever, or John Hardy or whatever, these guys, you know what?

But it's like, you know what I mean? Some, like, weird names, you know what I mean? Story. you know what I mean? A guy that maybe is canceled. I don't know. You know what I mean? And you're just kind of going,

and it's like this weird action adventure where like the script doesn't make any sense or whatever. And I'm like, I can't wait to do it. Yeah. It's going to be weird. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I'm going to be with these weird people like, you know what I mean?

In some cave somewhere. Yeah. You know what I'm going, oh my God, this is like terrible but fun and exciting. And it's like I've never thought I would ever be in this situation. So it's like instead of like going, you know, A lot of these guys are like, you know, I'm doing a move with, you know, so-and-so with, you know, at the 824. Right.

Yeah. You're like, congratulations. They'll never have me. You know what I mean? So I'm just going to do my own thing. You know what's funny is I pitched you for something. Remember, they looked at me. I pitched you for something the other day because we have all these things.

And I was like, just hear me out. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, you're saying you want Bobby Lee as the woman part? It was getting for them. Really? That's so funny. It was written for a woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A woman, boss, lawyer, this and that.

Thank you so much. Thank you so for doing that for me. I'm stepping up. That was really nice. I was like, just hear me out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, we could change some things. Right, right, right, right.

And he would fucking destroy. You would actually would be fucking. You would have done producing stuff now? Yeah. You're right. Yeah, I think that like other people are doing that too. It's crazy. Well, now let me ask you something.

This is changed for you guys where you're like, I have to try, different thing. I mean, what's going on here? It kind of... Why are you doing what you're doing? No, because Oliver Hudson called me the other day. He's like, I'm producing now. Which is great. I love him.

Yeah. You know what I'm like, but he's like, I have these things in mind for you and stuff. I'm like, it's just interesting. I know a lot of guys that are like doing, like being creative and... Well, it's just getting ahead of it, right? Because like, otherwise you're just... Waiting. Yeah.

You're right. Yeah. I mean, I mean... Do you want to do... We have a thing. Will you do something with us? I'll do anything with you. Yeah.

You're fucking... I was trying to get you to play my part. No, you do it. You do your part. I was like, you do your part. I was like, keep your part. I'll play the other one. It'll come together naturally when it comes together.

Yeah. Like I have a show at a network that I'm, you know, that I pitched and I got. And, you know, me and Andrew have something at someone or another company. You know, so I'm doing it too. Just constantly doing it. Yeah. Yeah. But you know what?

But, you know, here's the thing that you guys don't have that I have. What? Which is, I wish you have. A penis. No. Stand up. I know. I know.

Because it relates. leaves a lot. I would imagine it does. That's the scariest thing to me in the world, though, is to get up. Oh, you could do it. You would kill it. I could teach you how to do it. Oh, my God.

And I may be fun. Can you do a stand-up class? Yeah. I could teach you guys. I think I could get, I can't teach you. I can't teach you to discover your voice. Right. Right.

But I think I can teach you how to get over the fear of doing it. I mean, I can teach you now if you want on this podcast. Please, let's do it. Okay, but I'll tell you why stand-up has been such a relief for me. Yeah. Because it's like, I don't need to wait in line. Yeah. And wait for the call.

It's like, no, I could just like, I just did a show with Bert and Tom in Vegas. And it was like 14,000 seats at the MGM. It was me, Shane Gillis, Trevor Wallace, and these two guys. And it was like, when I was on stage, I was like, oh, I can do this. Yes. You know what I mean? And it's like, I just played Phoenix where my mom lives. And like, it was so much.

fun at a club and I mean I'm headlining and I can sell tickets so it's like it's it's easier financially right yeah because if I relied on just I mean podcast money I can live on too but like but if I just relied on acting right oh my god I would have to have a day job I think right now you know I mean I mean yeah yeah so um here's how I can get your fear over stand-up okay well let me ask you some questions okay and now I'm going to say this too comics are going to hear this And they're going to be so mad at me. Are you giving away the songs? No, I think they're going to go, look at Bobby trying to get other people to do it.

I'm not trying to get you to do it. I'm just trying to get you because people, that's their biggest fear. Yeah. Is bombing. So I can get your mind, you know what I mean? So anyone listening, you know what? This is genius. This is like something that's like a hiccup.

I think I can get you past it. So what is your fear of doing it? Let me hear your fears first of doing stand up. If I were to tell you, hey, ladies, I'm doing a show in Irvine. I would love you guys to open for me. Oh my God, that would be. All right, so what is your fears about it? I think it's like the performing anxiety and, like, bombing.

Like, the joke's not landing. Yeah, I wouldn't be afraid to get up in front of all the people. I would be afraid that I wouldn't be able to write something funny enough to keep them going. And those two things are going to happen. Right. There's no way to escape it. Right. You're going to write something that's not going to work.

you're going to bomb. It's going to be the most embarrassing experience of your life. All right. But here's the thing. All right. The feeling that you get usually, 95% of the time when you first go up on stage,

even if you bomb and it's the worst experience, isn't, oh my God, I just bombed. It's going to be like this. The feeling is going to be, I can't believe I just did that. I did it. Yeah. Wow.

I just did that. Right. And that feeling is empowering. Right. All right. Do you ever find people funny in real life, then they get up there and you're like, oh, fuck, you're not. Well, when people go, hey, my buddy at work is funny, he should do it, right? No, no, that's not, you know.

Yeah, because it's different, right? That's just different, right? Number one, you have, like, even as a kid watching it, I would laugh, but I'd be like, I would also ask myself, why is that funny? And why, you know, did I just laugh at that? And what was it about the writing and what was it about his delivery? right? So it's like, it's more, I mean, obviously it's like, you know, I could do a fart in your face and get a laugh, right? Which is what the guy at work does, right? But it's like, no, it's like, obviously it's a craft and a skill set. Yeah. Right. But with you two, in particular, you guys already have the performance part down. Right? Yeah. All right. So number one, so let's go look. Number one, you're never going to write anything when you first start. that's going to help you because you're not going to be able to deliver it correctly. Because you're going to get go, you have to go through the pain of it first.

Okay. Right. But this is what ends up happening every time. You get immune to bombing. Right. Where once you get immune to it, where you don't care, that's when you become yourself. So you're the funniest when you're around your friends and you're relaxed, right? Yeah.

Yeah. One day you'll feel. like that on stage. It happens every time. Where you're on stage, no matter what the circumstances are, and you're like, oh, I don't care. Right. That's what you want to get to. And once you get to that, you can do anything. I believe that. But do you think people can learn that? Do you think there's certain people that can, if you watch people get good, that you're like, they don't have it. They're not that funny. Yeah. Okay. I'm supportive of anyone that wants to do it, right? But I'm not also, but it's like, You know, here's, now we're getting into like some Mitzie Shore when I was a young man.

You know who she is, right? I know the name. Mitzi Shore started the comedy store. That's Polly Shore's mom. Yes, yes, of course, of course. And Mitsy, you know, in the early 70s, you know what I mean? During a, in a divorce got the club. And she's like the queen.

Like she got everyone pat. I mean, she started Roseanne, Jim Carrey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gave everyone opportunities to do it. But when she was older, I used to. to drive her around and stuff, you know, when I was a kid, I was like 23, 24 years old. And she said something, she said, did something very amazing. She looked at me, she goes, you know, she goes, it's a sin to support mediocrity. And I go, what does that mean? She's like,

don't encourage comics that, you know, I mean, shouldn't be doing it to do it, right? Yeah. And so, you know, I've, you know, so I'm not going to tell, like, a comic, you're going to make it. But I feel like everyone has the right in their small town to go up and do it as a hobby. Right. Right. You just can't like, you know what I mean, make people delusional. Right. Right.

So it's like they're just, I can tell, I think for the most part, you know, like when I first saw Andrew Santino for the various first, I was like 16 years ago. And I went out and I just, I was sitting with another comic and I was like, oh no, that guy's got it. He's here. Right. You can tell. But it's storytelling too, right? Like, in a sense. It's, yeah, it's storytelling.

But it's also, you have to do it in a language. Number one, it's got, the punchlines have to come quicker. Right, because stand-up audiences have a retention span of 30 seconds or something. So if you're not getting a laugh in 30 seconds to a minute, you've lost them. Okay. You know what I mean? So that's a little bit of a, but you'll learn how to do that. You know what I mean?

And then, but also I have to say, and you'll never experience this, if you don't do it. Destoring a room. There's nothing like it on planet Earth. I can imagine. There really isn't. Sex, money, nothing comes even close to it. You know, it's a feeling where you're like, holy shit, it's an addiction.

I get that. I mean, I get it from doing theater. And when you get the laugh or when you get the silence and something when it's like. But it's different than theater. I'm sure it's different. Because you didn't write it. Right. That's true.

It's not your voice. Right. And you're doing it with other people. So everyone gets the, I mean, they can go, Olivia, you're great in that part, man. You really moved me, right? It's still not the same of you alone in front of thousands of people. Dean. And crushing.

Right. Crushing. There's nothing like it. Who do you think is the best that's ever done it? I think right now Shane Gillis, Tim Dillon. There's certain guys that are my friends. I go and I watch them and I go. And I'm fine with it.

I don't care. I'm like, oh, he's way better than me. I'm fine with it. But that's also... It's not. It's not. No, no, no. It's not.

It's not. It's not subjective or you're going to say. No, that's what I was going to say. I was going to say, like, but that's a really healthy attitude to not be like, you can see the fucking genius in other people without it meaning anything about you. Yeah.

Yeah. But that's not everybody's like that at all. It takes people a long time. Do you want to be anyone that's around that's like not like that? No, I don't. Yeah. No, absolutely not. No, I don't want to be around that guy.

No. I'm the best. Right. Only me? It's weird. No, it's gross. Yeah. And they get,

you're going to try stand up. Yeah. You're going to try it? I think you should. I think you should. Just as an exercise. I would do it with you. As an exercise.

As like a dare. Yeah, I would do it. Promise? I promise. I'm going to set it up now. With Rachel. It's a package. But we can't do it together.

You can't do it out in the same time. I know, but we would do. Oh, at the same night. You got to bomb together. When one kills and the other one doesn't. That's okay. It'll hurt. It'll hurt.

Yeah, yeah. I'm being real, though. She killed. I'll set it. Here's what I'm going to do. Oh, no. Because I'm going to be honest with you. Yeah.

You're going to weas a lot of it. I already know that. So I can just say what I'm going to say now. You'll look ready to it. But when time comes, you won't do it. I've done this before. See, but I would do it. If she'll do it, I would do it.

It's a deal. Okay. She said okay. So sometimes what I do is I'll do, I'll go to like an improv that's close to here, like Ontario, Brea or Irvine. Yeah. And do a Tuesday night. I'll sell it out.

Yeah. And do a new joke night. Okay. Right. So I'll pack it with like comics. I can squeeze you guys on one of those. Yes. I'm so scared.

So it'll be like 600 people. It'll be packed. He's like a little, you know. It'll be, I know, I would like, I'd rather throw you to the wolf. That is wolves. That's like a lot of wolves. You're not going to sleep the night before. No, I'm going to, like, poop my pants.

Yeah, yeah, you'll poop your pants. But I think that, I mean, honestly, it would be something that to experience. No, I think I'm all about saying yes to things in life for experience. But there's going to be no industry. I love that. There's going to be nobody there that's going to say anything. Yeah, that we want. We don't want those industry folk.

Also, it's not relying on you. I'm going to have hard hitters on it afterwards that kill. You know what I mean? So, like, the audience is going to have a great show. Yeah. And I also would say to the audience, if they've never done that before. Yeah.

Yeah, we never even considered doing it until this moment. Now, comments right now, if they listen to, if they listen to this right now, they're going to be so mad. Why? What does it matter? Because you're like inviting us to like a secret space? No, they don't. They don't like...

Impostors? No. It's sort of going like, let's suppose like I'm the only one with the fentanyl. You know? Me and my friends are the only ones that know about fentanyl. Yeah. Right? And I'm going, hey, you want to try some fentanyl?

Right? You guys are like, what is it? I'm scared. Well, then don't do it. But it feels good. You know what I mean? It's like, you know... Don't give away our supply.

Yeah. It's also. Another thing, it's like, we hate it when actors do it. Right. That's what I was going to say. It's like infiltrating, like actors infiltrating like that space. It takes us a while for us to accept an actor. I'll just hear it.

Yeah, it's hard. I get that. Like when I found out. Intimidating bunch. What? Intimidating. Oh, hard. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, weathered, hard, thick-skinned bastards.

Yeah, I mean, even the women. Yeah. I mean, they're just, they, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's a, it's our, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's our, it's a, it's a, it's a sure, it's, it's, it's, it's a certain, you know, like, you know, like, I'm also, I mean, we're doing, we're doing, we're not, I, it's not like, you guys are, we're going to be a stand-up comic. No. I, I also believe that it's something that people should experience. Experience, yeah. And I've done that. I've walked through a lot of people to do it.

And they walk off and they go, I can't believe that I just did that. Right. That was insane. That's the takeaway. Yeah. But it is insane. It's not. What you'll realize is that who cares?

Right. Right. Who, at the end of the day, I'm going to die. I know what I was going to remember. Like you said, the nothingness. Yeah. You know, if that's the end, who cares? Who cares?

Yeah. What people think? Right. And then you know, when I read things online now, I think that now. I go, it's like, you know, I get like, I hope you kill yourself. People hate me that by some people. Like, die. What is wrong with people?

You know, and I'm like. Okay. And I read it and I go, I don't, I want to, you know, they say not to, I don't respond. But what I would like to respond to people is go, I seriously don't feel the same about you. Oh. I really don't. You should say that. Yeah, yeah. I feel the opposite. So it's like, you know, that's what I feel. But, you know, I have to understand also they're going through these things. I don't, I mean, if they want people, people want me dead. They're going through. I know. And then, but I get 99.9% I love you. You changed my life. Yeah. I love you so much. So it's like, you know, I can tell when I go on the road. I sell out. People want to see it. And I know. And also when I, it's so funny.

When I go on the world, nothing ever really negative. Right. People are talking enough to being like... It's all love. It's all love. It's all love. So it's like, it's funny when you... So I think I really have... And I say this now. And hopefully I feel this way.

I think I'm good, you know? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I do you think I was talking to someone yesterday and we were talking about the song. Who sings it? I forget. But the song is, I believe most people are good. Do you know that song?

I don't know that song. It sounds like a terrible song. The lyric I hate. It's a really good. I believe most people are good. Yeah, it's such a good song. That's it? Pretty much.

Pretty much. Who sings it? Oh, it's like not, it's what's his name? Bill Withers? Oh, I actually know. Please don't look it up. I'm going to, I don't want to ever want to hear it. You don't ever want to hear it.

I'm going to send it to you. I'm going to send it to you when we're done here. But we were bonding over the fact of loving that song and really believing that most people are good. Because I do believe most people are good. I think that when you work in this kind of world where you're exposed online to like the bad ones, I feel like that's such a small portion compared to most people.

Do you disagree? I agree with you. I don't know if, I mean, it depends on the percentage of we're talking. Like when you're saying most, I don't know what the percentage of that is. You only experience it online, right? Like when you go into the world and you're like going to the grocery store and going, like, most people are pretty cool. Yeah. But it's also a perception thing too.

It's like, you know, sometimes like I'll go, hey, can I get a phone? Like people go, can I have a photo on it? No, not right. Not today. Yeah. And they'll go, oh, he's a dick. Right. He's an asshole.

It's like I've had a bad day. I already took 50 of them. Right. I'm just, I've had my limit. But like, it could be perceived as me being a bad person,

so it just depends. But, I believe that there, every, all human beings, there's a little bit of me and everyone. Mm-hmm. Even like a murderer.

Mm-hmm. You know? A little bit of you as a murderer. No, no, I'm just saying. I know, I'm like, mm-hmm. No. No.

What I'm saying, what I'm saying is, is that, you know, I think that a lot of times it's mental illness, maybe most of the time, but a lot of times it's environment, you know? And, like, I had a really fucked up environment. And I just, I was able to sort of overcome it. I don't know. I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Say, my brother and I, you know, and I, and I love my brother so much. He's like my best friend. I love him so much. But I don't think he'd be mine if I said this. him and I went You know Our dad used to beat the shit of her mom Like knock her teeth out

And then you beat us with golf clubs It was and it was like We were always on pins and needles Like is dad gonna go on a rage You know And at dinner he would You know Throw the fucking tail on the food flying over there

My mom crying It was chaos Right And my brother and I Experience that in two different ways My brother Sometimes he lashes out of the world And I lash within

so I hate myself. I'm a piece of shit. You know, I punished myself. I mean, and so I don't know what people's experiences are in life. Yeah.

With the environment they grew up in, genetics. I don't know any of that stuff. But it's like, I have to believe that, you know, all people, there's a little bit of good in everyone. I think so.

A little bit. And there's a little bit of murder and everyone, too. Yeah. I think in certain circumstances, I would murder somebody. Would you? Savage. When it comes to my kid. Would you murder anybody?

Go bring you. Would you? When it comes to my child, I would murder. I would kill someone if it came down to like... Like, if somebody was like, oh God, what would you do this? If somebody just outgrown adult, walked up to your kid and just slapped them. I would not murder them. What would you do?

Kick them in the balls. I would probably, I mean, it depends on the person. Like, could I get them? Like, if it was like her, I'd smack her, you know, but if it was like a big man. I just said a big man, we're not her. I know, but it depends on their size. Today I'm a big man.

Okay. I'm saying. Well, what circumstance would you murder somebody? If they were like, kid. I love it. I love how this. When I'm with you ladies, we go all over place. We do go all over the way.

I like it. I like this. If they kid or something, I would murder them to get my child back. But they didn't kill them. I don't give a fuck. What are the circumstances where you would murder for kidnapping? If they weren't giving me my kid back, don't I have a right to kill them?

What about this? Let's not try it. No, no, I'm not going to, I'll give you a phone call. Okay. Hello? Hello? I'm disguised. Hello?

Who is it? No matter who it is. Okay. Never mind, man. I have your kid. Hello? Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing?

I'm crying. There's a fucking kidnapping going on. Hello? Where are you? Where are you, man? I don't, never mind where I'm at. What do you want? I change voice.

I went high. Even the thought of that? No, just I'm not done. I'm not done. I'm not done. Okay, okay. I got your baby. Where are you?

Never mind where I'm at. What do you want? You have to kill Rachel. Oh my God. You have to kill Rachel Billson, or I'm never going to release your child. Fucking that bitch is dead. You would literally kill Rachel? For her kid?

She would. For my kid, probably. If they were going to kill my kid. What did Rachel do? Do a podcast with you, bitch? Would you kill me to save Breyer? Probably. I feel like you don't have a trace minute.

Oh, no. But he is the same question. Rachel. The same question. Really, you would... I would let them kill me to say Breyer. To be honest, like, when it comes to the little ones,

it's like you can't fuck with that. I wouldn't blame her if she could be... Oh, I don't know what it's like to have a kid. So I don't know. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'd be that way. Give us a different circumstance. Oh, to kill?

Yeah. Not kid related. Oh, not kid related. Yeah. All right. Ring ring. You answer. Oh, no, I'm a doctor.

Let's go to doctor. All right. Are your parents still alive? Only my mom. Does it have to be family? I don't know how to do. Okay, what about... Oh, no.

Okay, how about this? Okay. Are your parents still alive? Your parents? Just my mom. Oh, I'm sorry. That's okay. You love your mom?

Very much. Could she be in this scenario? Sure. Okay. Olivia, I'm your doctor. You have to call her, though. What? It's in person?

We're in person. I'm at the hospital. All right. What kind of voice do I do? That's, that you know. Oh, yeah. Just to go out with this. Ring, ring. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. No. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Who is this? Hello. That's good. Hello. And you doctor. Hi, doctor. Taka, Takaawa. Hi, Dr. Kawakawa. How are you? Oh, long time, no talk.

Yeah. Long time, no talk. You good? I'm good, I good. I have a bad news. I'm good. I have a bad nose. I have a very, very bad nose.

What is it, doctor? Oh, my God, oh my God. Oh, my God. Your mom has real condition. Oh, no. What is it? Well, the only thing that will save her is you have to kill you. Right?

Yeah? You have to kill a minority. I don't know why, for science, you have to kill a minority while he's running. While he's running because we need adrenaline, his adrenaline glands. Oh. Right? So he has to be running, running fast, right?

And you have to kill him while he's running, right? And then we take the adrenaline gland and you save your mom life. Oh, I think she'll be okay to go. She's old enough, doctor. Okay, bye. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. Why? You wouldn't do it?

No, she's these 81 years. old. Oh, okay. I'd be like, we did it. What if we did it? What if? And that minority. Absolutely.

Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I just had to make sure everybody knows that. Yeah, everyone knows that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you would, yeah. I think, yeah. 81, you're just like, you did it. I think if, like, if there was like, like, apocalyptic, like, let's say we,

us three had a fort, you know what I mean? Yeah. And, like, other clans are trying to steal our water. Yeah. Or our resources and stuff. that we would kill to save our resources and stuff. 100%. Yeah.

So I just think that, I mean, we went a long way to make the point that there are probably circumstances that will make us kill. Right. And it's not to... I lost, I forgot what the... I forgot where we started. I know, I don't know. About like, you know, there's a little bit of us and everybody. That's what it...

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And then there's mental illness plays apart. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, I don't... Like, like, if you're kids, God willing, I'm sure they're great.

But what if they had, if they had little Jeffrey Dahmer vibes, what would you do? What do you think that vibe would be, though? You'd know. Like, you know, like, you go, what's in the bag? Yeah. And you go, knacking. Give me the bag, what's in there? And you see, like, animal bones, like dogs, cats, squirrels, all kinds of variety.

And they've just been going out there and killing animals and saving their bones. I mean, that's a little weird, no? I'd turn them in. To who? You would turn your child? I would take him to a child psychologist. What? You would take him to a child psychologist.

Oh, yeah. I would be like something's a peer doctor. What if your doctor's like, he just likes bones? He's an archaeology. He could be an archaeologist. But I saw a Dahmer. No. Right.

Oh, you saw. I don't see it. Whenever you watch all these things, you know. Right. See it in someone. You're like, something's not right there. Or your kid is like taking scissors and just clipping birds' heads off. Yeah, I would definitely.

And sticking the head and shrinking them and making like a necklace out of it. And shrinking them? Yeah, yeah. How do you shrink them in the oven? No, like they do shrunken heads in Africa. Don't they do that like that? Oh, I don't know how they do it though. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure they do it in other cultures. I'm sorry, I just don't know. I wouldn't even fuck around with that for a second. I wouldn't be like, no, I think it's normal. He's just, you know, exploring. My first instinct was like I would move them to the top of a mountain, like, remotely. But then they would find girls Wait, wait, wait, wait, you don't think there's animals

In the mountaintops, like goats and stuff? Well, better than animals than, like, human beings. Oh, you would separate him from the human race. Yeah. But the thing is, the parents always know, and they didn't do anything. There was always signs, and it's fucked up. Yeah, yeah, but it's like, but, you know, I think I used to shoot squirrels with my BB gun. I feel like that's supposed to.

More normal. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was like a wrong. I felt bad about it. it, but I did it. No, but that's more of a, that's different. That's different than a kid going out and being like, me, me, me, me. Yeah.

And like cutting things privately. All right. Was it private? Or would you do it with other kids? What does that matter? I think it matters a lot. I think that when you're doing things with other kids and it's like, I don't kill the animal.

I just clip the head off with my scissors. But if you're doing it with a, in a group. She said like in a group, then it's maybe. It's less scary. Oh, I see. I see. Yeah, yeah. Privately going to kill.

animals. Right. That's dark. But what if your kid is the leader of that group? Like all the kids are like... It's a little bit of a red flag. Okay. It's a huge red flag. What about this? What about this? You go, you're in your room. Yeah. They have their own bedroom, right? Yeah. I don't know how it works. Yeah. And you see dark paintings. Like, all she does have paintings of your dead body with little exes. Mom, with exes and just dead. It would be alarming. Well, my youngest.

Really? No. Oh, he is. He is. Well, he's, he's, I don't know what he is. He's got special needs, all kinds of learning. He's got a whole thing. Oh, really?

Yeah. Like what? He's got like a chromosonal deletion syndrome. He's working on a different. Yeah. He's the shit. I know, I bet he's the shit. But what do you have to do?

Is he going to be able to? I don't know. We don't know. We don't know. I'm sorry. It's okay. I'm sure he's a great kid. He's amazing.

He's amazing. But he likes psychotically scary shit. Okay, but he's not Dahmer vibes. But he does like really scary like five nights at Freddie, Chuckie, like. That's normal. I did that. You did? He just turned five.

Yeah. Yeah. He's into all that stuff, but he's not like, but he's kind and loving. He's not like, you're not like, ooh. Yeah, I would watch horror movies as a little kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Did he have tantrums?

No, he doesn't have, he'll have tantrums, but he's not like upset in them. It's more just like I want what I want. It's not like, I've seen those kids where I've been like... Yeah, on TikTok, like Applebee, like that Applebee's guy? No, I don't know what that is. I wouldn't go to Applebee's. And he's huge. He's like six foot five with this kid.

And he goes, I want Applebee's. It starts choking out of his mom. Oh, no, not that. It's just like, ah. And it's real? Oh, yeah, it's real. You can look on TikTok. Yeah.

Like autism Applebee's and you'll find it. But it's like, when I look at that, I'm like, oh, I don't want kids. If I had one of those. Yeah. That's scary. Yeah, I think, I don't know how it. I mean, I would do the best I could, but it would just be so stressful. It is stressful.

That would be horrible. And especially if you're the parent and you know it and you're like, ooh. Can you check for that when they're in the womb? No. Not for. No. There's certain things they can test for, but. Like, what can they test for?

They can't. Not or not. They can test for different things. Like, my son's partially deaf and, like, they didn't tell us that while he was in the room. The same son? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Wow. Yeah. So it's like there's things they can check for, but not like autism or... No, nothing like that. Down syndrome, yeah? Down syndrome, yeah. Spinal diphtha? Yep.

Okay. Yeah. And if they don't have those two things, they're like, carry on. Oh, really? Pretty much. Yeah. Unless you do specialized testing. Yeah.

How do you do specialized ones? You can do it. You can do like, what is it called when they go in? Oh, the amni? The amniostasis. And you can also do like a gene sequence. There's other things. Yeah.

You can do more. It didn't occur to me to do it. But I'm so fucking glad I didn't. Sure, sure. Yeah. I wouldn't probably have my kid today. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah, I wonder what I could live with. It's a hard question. I've thought of that a lot since having... I just hear so I don't want. What? Psycho. No what? A psycho.

No, not even psycho. I just don't want to, like, at 18, I want to be able to kind of like move out. Yeah. If I had a kid that had to stay with me for the rest of my life, I'm sure I would like it. Like, tell them to do a sweatshop. I don't know. Like Nike's or something.

I don't know. We'll figure it out. Make a living. You know what I mean? But it's like, I mean, I'm sure there are other things I could do. But I'd figure it out. But I don't know. It just seems like a lot of, like they're a little depressing.

Because I want my, I want my, I want to be at the, um, the graduation. Right. Yeah. I want to see him at the ball game. Get a touchdown. You know, I want to see him get Oscar. My dad. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Thanks, dad. I know you couldn't get one of these. Because you couldn't get any movies, you know what I mean, that like would even even go on or this kind of attention. Yeah. You know, because like, you know, he did Harold and Kumar. You know what I mean?

Nobody watched that, you know, whatever, you know what? Like one of those speeches where it's going to kind of make fun of me, but also like I'm proud and stuff, you know what? Yeah. I don't want, like, you know what, you know, I mean. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be, you know, this is my wife.

Do you want that? What? A wife. You're talking about your kid having a wife. My kid having a wife. Yeah. But do you want a wife and a kid? I do.

You do. We just went full circle. You started out being like done and now. Yeah, because it's not happening. You can be going to happen. There's a difference between it's not happening and it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. See, you're putting that out there.

I've tested the waters, baby. You're in the wrong water. I've been in the ocean. Is that the big water? No, that's cool. I'm not in a pond. I'm in the Pacific Ocean, baby. Maybe you need to move from the Pacific Ocean.

And what, go to a lake? Yeah. Listen, I've been there. Okay. You haven't been everywhere. No. I've done every size, shape, color, region, and intellectual level. Here's my question.

One time, I think I've said this, I was getting my nails, nails done, and the guy that was doing my nails. Asian guy? He was Asian. Good. He said to me, the problem in Los Angeles is that nobody wants to date their number. They all want to date above their number. You have to do that

You have to date above your number My friend Jean and I have a theory I would love to hear it We believe that We have the both The man and the women have to feel Like they're out of their league The other person is out of their league

I do agree with that Yeah And what's the reason It's just because I can't I can't Because Oh God it's so terrible to say Or I met this girl

Yeah In Austin I don't know. I just did that. And I want to just, can I just bleep up? She's, to bleep this up. Okay. Okay. And I met her on a dating app.

Okay. And we had a day together. One day. Okay. The whole time I felt like, oh my God, she's out of my league. Yeah. And I like that. Everything about her was like, oh, this is somebody.

You know, but she lives in Texas. Right. You know what I mean? And we still text and talk. You know what I mean? like later out she'll call me and we'll talk

but that she's the only one I think I felt like with where I'm like oh this is like if I was with her like if I wasn't asked and with her I'd be like

oh I can't believe she's with me here you know I mean right you know I mean so you got to feel that I think but here's another thing

about L.A. I have to bleep out another name I can know I can just do it so I was I was with this girl and

And I'm going to change her name. Okay. And I was at a comedy club. And a bigger comic came up to me and goes, I were in the green room. And he's like, I'm a huge fan of this guy. And he goes, how's Deborah? And he didn't, I never posted a photo with her. I never told anybody about her that I've been hanging out with this girl.

And I go, wait, how do you do Deborah? And he goes, I'm fucking her too. Oh, no. And I realized that women in L.A. that have hook up with comics, it's one pool. Oh, no. What? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, chuckle fuckers. Chuckle fuckers. Chuckle fuckers. They're chuckle fuckers. Oh, my God. Are they funny? What? Are the girls funny?

No. But they like laughing. They like to laugh. Yeah. And they also, I think they're like, like, oh, we can get comics. Oh, it's like a... We tried post Malone and it didn't work.

You mean, so we'll be chuckle fuckers. I would rather be a chuckle fucker. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So they're like, you know, but there's some chuckle fuckers that I'm too gross. What do you mean? Stop it. I don't like it when you do that.

What? Because. This is a fact. No, it's no one. These specific chuckle fuckers, yes. Okay. All right. I live my life.

I know what it's a lot. I know what it is. You're living by your stories, too, though. Yeah. Go, but tell us. So a couple of chuckle-fuckers. Yeah. I've tried.

Yeah. And they're like, no. You know what I mean? I only do the good-looking white, like the Matt Reifie chart. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You know, and I'm not their cup of tea. Through the laugh I can, I can get a laugh. I just physically, you know, I'm like, I'm not saying I'm ugly. I hope. I'm just a specific. I'm a little small, rotund,

circular, you know what I mean, a little kind of dirt, you know, I'm just like a different flavor. Yeah. Not everyone likes leachy fruit, you know what I mean?

But some people do. But some people just like apples. Oh. It's better to be the leachy than that. No, you're just trying to be encouraging, thank you. But you guys are apple

fucking blueberry people. What? Blueberry people? Apple blueberry people? Yeah, you guys like standard fucking vegetables. That's not fucking true. I love a motherfucking papaya.

No, you've never even had one before. Yeah, with lime on it. Have you had durian fruit? What's stinky. Wow, that's good. Oh, shit. How do you know? Because I know what it is.

Have you had it, though? But does she think it's stinky because she's white? No. No, it's a fat. It's a fat. It smells like, yeah. It's the stinkiest, like, thing, food you could ever. It's one of the stink.

It's so delicious. Yeah, and it tastes good. It's so weird. What is it called? Durian fruit Durian fruit Have you ever had Balut?

No What's Balut? See that's the thing I don't think you would have it And that's why I couldn't date you guys What is it? You don't think we would try a fruit? There's no way you're on a flute

What is it? It's a fruit? No, it's not a fruit It's like some animal thing So basically what it is In the Philippines I'm going to look at you Right?

It's like an animal thing It's an animal Yeah Can I look it out? Yeah Yeah So they take a duck egg Right

And right before it hatches, they then they, right? So it's like, that's balloon. Oh. And you just eat it? Yeah, you eat it. And when you crunch into the skull. You eat an unborn baby duck that died before it could be hatch. So when you bite into the skull, like the eyeball pops into your mouth.

You know what I mean? And like, you know what I mean? Are you into it? And you crunch, you eat the feathers. I would not eat that. Yeah, I know. No, but do you like it? It's pretty good.

You don't mind the eyeball punching? I've had a balut maybe twice in my life. It's not something like I'm not like like, oh, I'm craving balut right now, no. But like if I'm like in the Philippines, I've been the Philippines like two or three times. Yeah. And I'm there in a small village and other people are eating balut. I'm not going to be like, no thanks. Well, I think I would do the same thing.

What? If I was in someone's home or village, I would eat their food. I would. Go ahead. Out of respect. An example, like I don't eat baby animals. right? Like I don't. But the first time, like years and years ago, I met the boyfriend's grandma for the first time

and she made veal parmesan. Like, I ate the veal because I was... That's different than Balut, by honest with you? It's delicious veal parmesan. Yeah. He's like, that's wrong. But what I'm saying is, you know, sometimes you bend your own rule. If I was in the Philippines, at someone's home, I would eat what they serve me and get over myself for that meal. You would vomit. I would vomit. I don't know. That's really rough.

It's just hard to get past the feathers. No, that is really rough. And the skull. That's brutal. That doesn't make us like uncultured, like, you know, whatever you were saying that... I would try to get it down. Wouldn't you try? I can't even think about it, can be honest.

I think we would try, though, Rachel. I did drink live fish in Japan. Swallowed them. Completely different. But still. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Come on. How about Pog Pog Pog.

What's that? Oh, you wouldn't do it. What is it? What is it? What is it? I can't do Pogogog. What is it? So.

So in certain countries, but the Philippines call it Pogpog. Okay. And, you know, I've got eight Filipinos. I love them. Yeah. What they do is they go to, like, dumpsters, like at seafood restaurants or, you know, other people's houses. Yeah. And they collect all the raw material, like, you know, onion chicken, seafood, vegetables.

Raw, though. From the dumpster. Okay, or cooked. Okay. Raw or cooked, whatever. Are you making this up? No, no. You can look it up.

Go ahead. Yeah. And then they put it, they defry it. Okay. At least it's cooked. Yeah. You know what I mean? And then, you know, you don't know what you're getting, but that's Pog, Pog.

Would you eat it? That sounds way less harsh than that. Oh, I disagree. I think that sounds worse. I don't. It's coming from a dumpster. I did. It does not sound worse.

It's deep fried. That would kill anything. Because what, what Ballute tastes like is literally egg. Okay. Like a thicker egg. I would do that. I would do that over the other one. I think I'm dumpster diving.

Really? But if you're in love with a girl and you're like, we're going to go travel, she's got good taste in music, she's cultured, she knows film, she can read a room, she shows up as a really great representative at your shit, and then you take her to the Philippines and she won't eat these things and goes, ew. I think those two I can bypass. You can get behind.

I can get behind those. I get it. It's a text. thing, right? Sure. But like, there used to be back in this 70s and 80s, I think in the early 80s, maybe late 70s. There used to be a video called Faces of Death.

Have you heard of it? Yeah. You see it? I feel like I remember what is it again? I remember as a kid watching it, there was this one restaurant, these people go go to and they take a live monkey. They put them in the middle of this table. I know it's terrible.

Why are you closing your eyes? I'm not doing it now. No, but it's just, I pictured it for a second. Right. And then they take the skull off And they all eat the brain of the monkey Would you eat that? No!

Depends on who is serving it. Absolutely not. What if Wolfgang Pucks are you? No! You said it depends who's serving it? Did you just say a live monkey? You said live. What if it's dead?

Well, still it. Here's the hard part for me. So if I was, I'm trying to put myself in the position of let's say you brought someone to your grandma's house. Okay? Why? What is the difference? You've got to pay respect to the grandmother, right?

You don't. Yeah, I want you to marry me. I want you to like all these things. And then she's like, this is my gift to you. And everyone's eating it. I might take a bite. I don't know. That's a hard one for me.

I love monkeys. It's like almost cannibalism in many ways. I can't. But isn't it the same as every other hand? Would you eat a human brain? No. No. Okay.

I would never eat a monkey brain. Good, good, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I know you're trying to. Like, I respect what you're doing. I'm trying to. But you're not eating that monkey brain. There's no real.

But then what do you do? You make a scene and you're like, I got a though. No, no, thank you. I'm allergic to monkey brains. Highly allergic. Yeah, yeah. I have like a thing. Anaphylactic reaction.

Reaction. I could die. That's a good one. I'll break out in high. I'm allergic. All brain. All brains? I'm allergic.

It's just the thing I have. I'm so sorry. That's actually a really great answer. That's what I used to say when I first quit drinking because I was too ashamed to say. But you are allergic to alcohol. I know. And people would want to know so many more answers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They'd be like, what happens? Yeah, yeah. I'd be like I turn into. Yeah. You have an uncontrollable response to it. Yeah. It's true. Yeah.

It's a good excuse for my brain. Let me can I ask you another about. So this is what I've thought about is taking, what's that thing called the psychedelic everyone's doing. Ayahuasca. Oh, yeah. Being a sober person doing ayahuasca.

Now, so I read it to a guy who has a lot of time. Yep. And I had dinner with them and he goes, I mean, to be honest, I did it once in sorriety and I didn't change my day. Because I don't feel like it's a relapse. I know a lot of people have done that. Here's my reservation.

In AA. In AA, a lot. And they haven't changed their date. Correct. I haven't done it and I've been curious about it I've been like oh I wonder I'll say this

and I don't know if it's true and I don't know if it contributed but I did just recently lose a friend to suicide and he had done ayahuasca a week prior and I believe it had something to do with that and it's not the first person Is that the first thing you've heard about killing this after ayahuasca?

Are you making this up, Olivia? I've never heard that before my life. Not, it's not, yeah, I'm not saying that's the reason, but the thought of like what that could bring open in me scares the shit out of me. So I'm like, I'm just going to stay right here on this plane. Yeah, because I'm fine now, but people are going, I saw my dad. I know, yeah, and I knew myself within myself within it. Right. I was that even mean.

So you would never do it. I used to. I used to actually want to do it up until recently. If you do it, if you do it, you know. If you do it. Let's do it. Let's do it together. In Peru.

I just don't have an interest in it. I don't want to like throw up. I don't really want to go on that journey. See, I do have an interest in that. I do. And it's so weird. I just think that I think there's something to it. I really do.

And it's not my alcohol as I'm talking. Because I can do without it too. But I just, I honestly, when I hear other people in AA talk about it. I know. And I go, wow, that is interesting. And Bill W. Did psychedelics. He sure did.

Yeah. I like psychedelics. I personally think that I think that I know a lot of people, too, that have experienced healing from ayahuasca and journeys and all of that. And I'm intrigued by it. I'm like, I would love to meet my soul or whatever you meet. Honestly, if you, here's, my only contingency of doing it is if you do it. Okay.

But I don't think you'll ever do it. This is like an exchange. Stand up for ayahuasca. Yeah. Damn. Oh, yeah. So let's go back. When we wrap it up, can I set this date?

Yeah, it's so scary, so yes. But I'm going to put you on a flyer. Robbie? Can we set it out a little bit? So we have good time to... Yeah, we'll do it in March, April, May. Let's do in June. Two years.

Just kidding. June 2028. Yeah, June. Let's do it. June? Yeah. And we have to write our own material. Yeah.

Five minutes. Five minutes. A five minute set? Yeah. We can do it. Five minutes is okay. You want to do three? Yeah, three is better.

Three minutes. Three is great. That's really, but you have to do three or I'm literally, I'm going to push you back up on stage. Okay, three minutes. Right. Go over the day. And then what? We have to go over the dates.

Yeah, I'm going to clear the dates with you first. Yeah. But also, I'm just, I don't give, this is what I'm, because I've been down this path before. You have. COVID is not going to stop you from doing it. No, I'm just talking about our kids are out of school and summer trips and plans. Did you say COVID? Yeah.

The day before you. I just test it to COVID. I don't care. I don't care. I'd rather get it than you get it. Yeah. That scares me, but. What?

I just, it's scary. It's going to be so fun. Okay. Because the first thing you do is this. What are you going to do? What's the first thing you're going to do? Fuck if I know. No, just what would be your guess?

I'm going to try to write. No, what would be your guess? What's the first thing out of your mouth? Oh, uh, we're having a good time. Who's that? Do you know that comedian? Who does that? It's funny.

The guy with the long blonde hair and the beard and the mustache. No, I've never heard of that guy. Oh, he's great. What would you say the first day? I'd be like... Oh, I don't know. You say a round of applause

for whoever brought you out. Oh, there you go. Round of applause. You said this is what you do. You go, hey, I have a round of applause for John. Okay. I didn't see it, but I'm sure it was great. Yeah.

It was clap, right? Mm-hmm. How you guys... Do you guys... I'll be honest, I've never done stand up before. I'm petrified, but here we go. Yeah.

I mean, right there, that's what, 20 seconds? Yeah, that's great. Anyway, thanks for having me. Thanks. Oh, my God. Okay. She's ready. Things to do.

Oh. All right, what do you got for us? Hi, guys. Rachel came with. No, we do have a funny story, though. We do. We haven't talked to you. We haven't done this in a while, you guys.

We haven't even talked to South by. Well, we went to South Buy. Did something funny happen? Yeah. What? At the airport. On the way back? I don't know.

On the way back. So South By happened. I was in Austin for separate reasons and had to miss the live show. But you guys came in Sunday. Rob left the day we got there. We did have lunch. He had pizza. We met Rob from Pizza and Austin.

And then he. He left us to our own devices. You have a picture pop up here. I actually felt bad for him. For Rob? Yeah. That he had to leave. Without us.

Yeah, I think she felt bad. I wanted to say there was a lot of stuff happening that week. He's like, not you guys, but there was like so much happening. I mean, you were included in the ball of things that I wanted to do that week in Austin. Oh, we're in the ball. It's like a dust ball full of garbage. We're the dust in the ball. So what happened on your return?

This is big stuff. It's so stupid. So Olivia and I get, we're leaving and we get to the airport and we're like both hungry, right? And so we're walking around trying to figure out where we want to eat. But Olivia's like, I've been going so hard on gluten. Like, I really need to be gluten free. So she's like, I'm going to go to the taco place. And I'm like, well, I'm just going to go to the sandwich place.

It's like their version of like a subway or something. You know what I'm talking about? I mean, I know what sandwiches. I know what Subway is. Yeah. And I know. Yeah. You continue.

Well, she went and then I went and looked at the tacos and I was like, oh, those look kind of boo-boo. Like, they didn't look good. Well, I mean, airport food in general is usually not the best. I don't know. They had like a chicken sandwich place that looked delicious. Yeah, but like I thought going with like a subway sandwich, you know what? That's a little safer.

It's like. Yeah, deli meat is harder. You don't really have to cook it. Yeah. So I go and I'm like in line ordering the sandwich. It's so stupid. This isn't even a story. And the lady taking my order is like, what would you like?

And I was like white bread with turkey and salami. And she was like, you want turkey and salami? And I was like, yeah, I want turkey and salami. And she's like, okay, but you're going to have to pay extra for the salami. And I was like, that's fine. And she goes, you know, it's so weird. Someone else just came. Was it Rachel?

Someone. She looked like there must be. Yeah, there must be some weird shit going down in the universe. She was like, you know what's so weird? Is someone else just came and ordered that? I've never seen anyone do that before in my life. Turkey and salami. And I was like, yeah.

And pepperini. and lettuce and whatever, whatever. So I'm going to buy my sandwich and in walks Rachel. And I said, I have a feeling I know who did it, you know. So in walks Rachel and I just point to Rachel, like, that's her. The woman looked like it was Christmas Day. She was like, that's her. I've never, she was so stoic the whole time until then.

And she was like, I've never tried this and I'm going to try it now. And it was just. Did you guys have lunch with her? She didn't date herself sandwich and took a break. It was so good, though. She was like, I'm going to try turkey and salami. She was like turkey and salami. Like, as I walked in and she goes, that's her.

And Rachel's like, huh? We're like cheering as she walks in because that is her. And then the girl came out and was like, I'm going to try it. We both got turkey and salami. And then we both just like died. Died. Died. Oh, my God.

Which I thought was normal. Turkey and salami? Yeah. Would you get a combo? That's not two meats that normally would go together. Right. Like an Italian would be pepperoni, salami. Sure.

Capacola, whatever. Yeah. I don't want any of that. I just want the turkey and salami. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's that weird, but I don't know. I don't think that's a regular. Well, she had never heard of, no one had ever ordered it before in her life. Except that lady.

Within the span of 10 minutes, she got two. Her mind was boom below. Two orders of the Kornissela-kla-mi. And she was like, you know her? Oh, my God. Because, yeah, I went to the souvenir shop. You should have paid someone else to them. Just buy, like, I'm going to buy this for you, but please go order this.

Please go order a turkey and salami. You're going to make this. day. You're going to be the third. She really questioned it too. Like, you're going to have to pay for that, you know? And I was like, yeah. She's like, like, this has happened. This just happened to me. She's had the same thing to me. She's like, but you know, it's going to be extra if you do that. And I was like, I know, I want. One extra me. I want the damn salami. I want the damsela it was very funny. Then that happened to us the other night when we were supposed to pick something from whole website of something.

And then we didn't say anything about it. And we're like, what'd you pick? And it was just the same two things. We've picked the same exact things. Yeah. We really. Turkey and salami. We're turkey and salami.

We're really turkey and tuna if we wanted to go into it. But we don't know. It was tuna. It was turkey. Didn't I send you guys a serendipity? What? What? Oh, the red string.

The red string? Oh, yeah. It was just a red string. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's like, I have something. I had a great one. And that was it.

The next day. I saw Sarah and Teresa put on their podcast. Like, have you been seeing red strings? Oh. Yeah, that's what I said. When you brought it up originally, that's something that they've talked about all the time. Yeah, it is. But you had just sent the red string when they posted that.

And I was like, Rob has. I mean, there's red strings all over that Jesus. Jesus loves Robert. Jesus says like Robert. I really feel that way, too. No, that Jesus loves Robert. I know. That was very earnest.

I know. Do you? It was genuine. I have a story. I have a story from the week. I got back. Okay. We went out to dinner at a, like, Mexican place and Silver Lake.

Mm-hmm. And it was Calvin and Benny. And we're sitting there eating, and they're up on the wall is this, like, painting of, like, a saint or something. It's like an Aztec woman on a horse. Oh, okay. And she's topless. Yeah. And Calvin, like, like, comes.

Looks over at Natalie and I, he's like, I can see that woman's boobies. And we're like, yeah, yeah, it's art. Sometimes that's an art. And he's like, I can't stop staring at it. And then just the whole rest of the dinner, he just like kept side-eyeing the breast up in a little. I mean, that's true, you know. Yeah, I mean, I get it. What does Shep always say?

Sheep. He's always with your. Oh, nanana. Na Nana. Na Nana. What about that video? I sent you, both those videos I sent you the other day. Which ones?

Last night? No. No. Not the monkey being washed. And her TikTok shares at bedtime. Wasn't that comforting, though? That little monkey. All it is is a monkey?

Just them pouring water over a monkey. I need to send it to it to. It's so soothing. I can understand what I can. It feels right. It's like everything is okay. I feel like I know what that video is like without watching it. No, no, you need it.

You need it. Because when you watch it, you're going to be like, you're going to get it. No, I sent you a video because I asked Shepard. I was like, oh, I was like, Shepard, do you have a crush on anyone? And he said, yeah. And I said, do you know what a crush is? Like, do you want a girlfriend? And he said, yeah.

I said, who do you have a crush on? And he said, Breyer. And clear his day. Clear his day. Can't talk. By the way, I was in Breyer's room, like, when I just watched the video, and Breyer goes, huh? Her face turned.

She's like, I have a brush on Shepard, too. And then she started, like, laughing and smiling. And I was like, say it again. Like, who do you have a crush on? He's like, Briar. And he's like, she's nice. I know. That's what made her smile.

She's nice. She's nice. And then Elliot, I asked him if you had a crush. And he was like, no. And then I was like, does anyone have a crush on you? And he was like, yeah. He's like five people. Five people.

I said, how do you know? He goes, it's just a spiritual thing. Yeah. What? He goes, it's spiritual. Yeah. He goes, I just get a feeling. It's like spiritual.

It's not confirmed. He just. No, it's just a spiritual hit. Yeah, he just knows. It's spiritual. I'm going to start using that. Huh? He gets that from you, for sure.

I mean, I've never said that. You've never said something as spiritual? I've never Well, I've said things are spiritual But I've never been like that dude fucking likes me It's spiritual I can feel it It's pretty gangster at 8

I respect it It's pretty good Oh I have a question Do you like it when someone has a crush on you? Do I like it when someone has a crush on me? I mean I guess it's somewhat flattering Do you? depend too

anyone I mean I wouldn't say like I like it if someone has a crush on me okay I don't know yeah it's not something you like actively enjoy well some people really like it but how do you know if they have a crush on you it's spiritual oh right what do you mean

it's spiritual can't you spiritually tell when someone has a crush on you yes yeah and does that make you feel flattered or repulsed depends on the person no I think it's always nice to know somebody likes you. No? I don't.

You don't like it? I've never liked it. No, it makes me really uncomfortable. I've never liked that feeling. Just because you don't like when people like you? Not so much. Yeah. I like it when...

Even like when Jeff shows you affection, you're like, oh, that's gross. Stop. No, I like it. I like it when friends like me, but I've never liked it when people, like, have a crush. Yeah, I guess I don't love it. I guess it makes me feel weird if I know. Yeah. I'm trying to like that.

think of circumcision. Depends on who it is. If it, because what in most of his case is, it's just a stranger. Not necessarily. Yeah. Well, then circumstantially it gets weirder if it's like your friend's husband. Your friend's husband, though, would be weird. If he's got a crush on you, then yeah, that you maybe wouldn't like that.

Guys, speaking of taking trips, like we had this conversation. How do you feel when people are like? like dress to the nines to take flight. Good question. Thank you. Do you ever notice it and like clock it or doesn't even like register? I'll clock it, I guess. I'm somewhere in between.

I don't want to dress like I'm in pajamas. Don't want to travel with us. But also I'm not going to wear a suit. But would you wear jeans? you wouldn't wear sweats. You probably would wear what he has on right now. I don't wear sweats, so. Let's breathe it about that.

You know what bothers me more? Even at home? Wait. Yeah. I wear like shorts sometimes. But you don't wear sweats? When you get home, you stay in your jeans so you go to bed. Yeah.

Can I say something? Please. You know what bothers me more than like, let's say, dress to the lines, whatever. I'm not saying bothers me. But something I noticed more than I'm like, how could you do that? like shorts on a plane. Oof. Yeah.

Well, I think mine's also different. I do not like flying. And like if I can have control over something and feel like. Like if you have to ride here in jeans and not. No, I just like, I want things in order when I'm flying because I do not like flying. So you want pants on? I just want to be, I don't know. Ready to die?

I'm like, what? Dressed for a funeral? No, but just like... What's your uniform? Not sloppy and like... Oh. Not sloppy? Weird.

Yeah. But I'm what I'm saying, I think it's like a control thing. I will say... I don't feel like I have control and I don't enjoy it. I do feel that I think, just from like men that I've either traveled with or notice while traveling are more so like in normal clothes as they fly. Hmm. Well, that's not totally true because I know women, like, I'll see women in, like, heels and, like,

proper, like, clothes and whatever. Oh, yeah. People get dressed. They totally do. Not me. But I think I'm talking about, no, me either. I'm talking about, like, more personal experience of, like, men I have traveled with. They're always, like, in their normal clothes.

Not my husband. Yeah, I just normally. I don't dress. Really? Oh, yeah. Up for it. Like, I'm not dressed. Like, I'll wear something.

nicer if I'm going to dinner than I would wear on an airplane. But don't you think wearing shorts on an airplane, like your skin just like on the seats? Yeah, I wouldn't. And like wearing sandals and putting your feet up? I don't understand any of them. Bare feet going through security. Yeah. Bare feet on the plane too.

Yes. Bare feet on the plane really bothers me. I just think bare feet. When other people have it. Going through security bare feet and I've had to do it before. Mm-hmm. And you think as you're walking. It's gross.

growth. But even like... I started bringing socks in my back. To put on through the security. Me too. My last flight back from Austin, not this time, but before there was someone notable sitting like in front of us and she had no feet on, like up. No feet on? She had no socks on, no shoes, just like feet out, feet out up in the air. Is this the person that you had text and asked about a certain movie? No, no, no. I don't really want an airplane. I don't, yeah. I don't, I don't, I don't like... My feet out. My feet out. I don't, I don't like... I feed are out right now.

I don't think. I actually brought socks. So I don't think feet are gross generally. I always do too. Because I knew I was going to be barefooted. So I was like, no. I don't think feet are gross generally, but feet in that environment. Do you suck a toe?

Do you don't? Do I suck a toe? You've never sucked a toe. Do you? Sure. I don't do it like on the regular, but like absolutely have sucked a toe. If you suck to toe? Has anyone stuck to?

I'm trying to think. I'm sure a toe's been in my, or maybe my toes been in someone's mouth. I don't know. Are you guys ready for a question? Yes, we're ready for a question. I was going to look too. You do this every time. You're like, I'm going to look, but internet doesn't work, and I can't find things.

You put your glasses on and then you give up. How cute are her glasses? I bought those for her at the airport. I'm so smart. So you want me to do this? Yeah, go. Yeah, I'm listening. We're listening.

I'm looking at the same time. I caught my husband going through my purse. How can I go about navigating this? This started one evening last week. My husband and I were enjoying a quiet night and after work. They're 33 and 32 years old. I was exhausted, so he suggested to take a hot shower to unwind. For context, we have an onsuit in our bedroom,

and I used the bathroom to take a shower. When I exited the shower, my husband was sat on my side of the bed, and to my surprise, he was going through my purse. laid out in front of him were some of the contents. Few receipts, my car is and my money. I was so shocked I stood there in silence for a while. He clearly hadn't immediately noticed me. And when he caught a glimpse of me, he almost jumped out of his skin. I asked him when he was doing with my purse. And he started laughing and said he wanted to see what I get up to. That comment really confused me. And I asked what he meant. He just laughed and said it didn't matter. He put everything back and handed me my purse before getting up and leaving the room.

I was pretty much stunned by what happened, as well as my husband's weird reaction. I tried talking to him about a few more times that evening, about every time you brushed it off. Saying he wondered what kind of stuff I kept in my purse, I explained to him that it made me uncomfortable that he went through it. It seemed to offend him. He said that as a married couple, we should share things and not conceal stuff. He hasn't acted like this before, and the whole thing really disconcerted me. We went to bed, and I still don't have any answers.

The next day I call my parents told what happened. They were immediately concerned, and they were immediately concerned, in their response only solidified my own worries about the situation. On their advice, I attempted to sit down discussion with my husband, but he told me he thought I was overreacting. And I got no further clarity on what his intentions had been. I would like some advice on how I can navigate the situation. It's weird.

One other thing. I confided on my friend over this and theorized whether my husband suspected me of infidelity or had wanted to steal money in my purse. Yep. Both options upset me to consider? I think he's on drugs and he's trying to steal money. Oh, that's... Whoa.

You're going there. That says so much to her upbringing. Yeah. Nobody, first of all, I don't think people, unless they have a psychological... Or he's being unfaithful, so he's projecting and trying to find things that... Or he's insecure and thinks she is. Right. But what is in your purse, like a...

What are you going to find if you're cheating? Like a condom wrapper? A used condom wrapper that was for masturbating in the car? I think he's stealing. I know. I got it. She didn't. I got it.

You think he's stealing because of a drug abuse issue? 100%. 100%. 100%. You were like certain that that's what this is? That's so like out of left field. It's what it is. It's what it is.

It's what it is. Who goes through someone's dad? Why does he have to steal from his wife's purse? Yeah. I mean, we don't know that they don't share a bank account. Yeah. Like, he just got an ATM. If he thought she was cheating, he'd be going through her phone.

Yeah, I don't know. It would not be going through her purse. Yeah, it doesn't seem like a current day thing. That's a good point. It would be a phone because, yeah, what? He's looking for something to sell or to take. From her purse, though? He either wants to take a pill.

He's looking for a pill. He's looking for money or he's looking for something valuable that he can pawn. But the most of, I mean, sure, there's more valuable things in their bedroom. What the hell else would you be going through someone's purse for? I mean, we could take him... Ideas. We could take him at face value, and he was just curious that he wanted to see what was in her purse. He wanted to see what...

Like, it would be interesting right now if you came in here and put your purse and just, like, went through and told us everything you keep in it. But he acted shade balls. No, I know, I know. He acted shady. And he, like, kind of was, like, gaslighting a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yeah.

There's a reason. He's looking for clues. He's on him. He's a detective. Yeah. I think I'm on Rachel's team with this one. He's looking for clues. Not that he's smoking crack and needs a fix.

I think he's on drugs and he's stealing. Been caught stealing once when I was fine. Have you done that? What? She has known people that have done that. No, but I've had it done to me. Mm-hmm. Multiple times.

And whenever someone steals from me, fucks. I just, I enjoyed how sure you were. You were 100% he's on drugs. There's no doubt. He's on drugs. That was like the first thing. Like he's looking at him. Whenever there's no other explanation.

He's on drugs. I just love that that's her mind. I've only known, I've known a lot of people that go through people's stuff. All the people I know who go through other people's stuff. are on drugs. Or they have some sort of psychological disorder where they steal. Yeah. But otherwise, nobody goes through people's stuff for no reason.

Like if Rachel came into her room and I was on her bed going through her person and acted weird. Yeah, yeah. You're on drugs. You're on drugs. But this is also... Me selling money. Selling money.

This is her husband, though. That's what... Silling money. That's the part that I'm not convinced that that's what... it is. If it was like a boyfriend, maybe, and they didn't live together, they didn't share finances. I guess we don't know that they share finances, but if we're assuming they do. Credit card. But if they share a credit card, like... We don't know if they share a credit card. There was something in that purse he wanted. It wasn't her tampons. Yeah. To me,

it read more as he was looking for clues, like Rachel said. Well, then he's an idiot because you've got to go to the phone. Sure. I mean, he might be dumb. True. True. That's where You're going to catch that. That's where you're going to find it. That's where you're going to find the things. The phone. Not the purse, dude. Not the purse, the phone.

The phone tried and true. Try the phone, bro. All right. Thanks, guys. Look for folders. Thanks for coming back. Thank you. Thanks for coming back, Bobby.

Thanks, Bobby. Thanks, Bobby. For everything. That was a hate gum podcast.