Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Chelsea Handler on Tucker Carlson, Ayahuasca, and Body Odor

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Chelsea Handler [Chelsea Lately, Chelsea Does, Chelsea] talks with Rachel and Olivia about being allergic to your partner’s dick, body odor, and how her relationship with her sister changed after she did the plant-based psychedelic ayahuasca. The broads also ask Chelsea about the most embarrassing thing she’s done to someone else, her stance on tipping, and what she would do if she had a dick for a day. Broad Ideas is supported by Magic Spoon. Get your next delicious bowl of high-protein cereal at magicspoon.com/IDEAS and use the code IDEAS to save $5 off. Broad Ideas is supported by Béis – BEISTRAVEL.com/ Broad Ideas is supported by Factor. Head to factormeals.com/ideas50 and use code ideas50 to get 50% off your first box. Broad Ideas is supported by Blissy. Get better sleep now with Blissy and use code RACHEL to get an additional 30% off at blissy.com/RACHEL.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast on HBO Max, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Broad Ideas.

Hi, Rob. Hi, Olivia. Hey, Rachel. He said hi to me. Today we have the incredible, amazing, Chelsea Handler, who obviously needs no introduction, but comedian. Let's give her one now. Actor, writer, TV host.

Her new special revolution I fucking loved. Absolutely. Loved it. It's out on Netflix. And she also has a tour coming up. It starts April 13th, Little Big Bitch Tour. It's kicking off in Illinois. Oh, here in Illinois.

Chicago? Peoria. Peoria, yeah. I said it right? Sort of. You said it very slowly and awkwardly. Well, I said it slowly, so I get it right. I definitely want to go.

I need to look and see when she's... Let's go to Peoria, guys. Let's go to Peoria, Illinois. I would. That would be fun. That's something I would do. 40 minutes from where I grew up. Really? We could visit Rob's home.

Say hi to the parents. And the 11 grandkids that are at the house probably? Oh my God. I'm into it. I'm also into Chelsea. And I'm so happy she's here with us today. Please enjoy. Sometimes when the work inside of Rachel's little brain, all these thoughts are swirling round and round inside to join us on this turn.

me as we take a little ride. We'll talk about dogs and kids and things. We'll talk about chicks and tampon strings. We'll talk about boys that a meet. Because people die. Okay. Hi. I am so happy that you were willing to come and talk to us, Chelsea.

I'm just such a fan for so long. Oh, thank you. And I love you. And I remember going on your show back in the day. and your dog was chunk at the time. And I name everything chunk. Like I get in my car, it says welcome chunk because I'm obsessed. Oh, shut up.

I swear. I'm obsessed with chunk from the Goonies. So when I knew you had a dog named chunk, it was love at first listen. So I had to tell you that because it's been a long time. That's so funny. I used to call my mom chunk. And I'm because she was chung-like, I was her chunky monkey and I called her chunk too. And I would just like, she had meat on her, my mom.

And so I would constantly squeeze it. I'm like, you are to chunk. You are to chunk. And so then I named when I got my first rescue dog, I looked at him. I'm like, oh, my mother's in there. Oh. I'm like, this dog is going to give it to me. And so I named him, Chalk.

And people are like, you can't name a dog after your mom. I'm like, watch me. Watch me. I love that if I named Gertie Jan. Yeah. I love it. I love it. So first of all, your new special is so awesome.

Thank you. Oh, my Netflix special. Thank you so much. Yes. Your Netflix special. died. Died. There were like a few parts of it that really spoke to me.

Number one, the yeast infection bit was like... Yeah, we've all been in that situation, right? Yeah. I don't know if we've all swallowed it. No, no, no. We're not all swallowers, only some of us. But we've all had a yeast infection. Oh, yeah.

This is true. No, I'm fully allergic. And have been assaulted in a pharmacy by the various degrees of monostat you can get for your... Oh, my God. cuteness. I was dying, yeah, and I'm definitely allergic to like new dick, so I can relate. Yeah, I know. Is that funny when you hook up with someone and then you're like, oh, I think I'm allergic to you? Yeah. And now I have proof. What happens when you get into a relationship and you find out you're allergic to their dick? Oh. Has that happened? I don't know. If you're allergic to good dick. No, no. No, to their dick. Like you meet someone and you're falling for them and then you do it and you're allergic. Well, you find out though, but you find out.

before you even, you know what I mean? Before you can fall in love, like, aren't you having sex? Right. I need to have sex before I can be in love with someone. Like, I need to know what's going on in that department between us. And I have had this. I had a boyfriend once or a guy that I was kind of seeing. And every time we had sex, it was a situation. Oh, wait, what kind of situation? Like, I would just have an allergic reaction to him. Like, I get, you know, so I was like, oh, this can't, I can't continue to have sex with this guy. Like, I'm allergic to whatever is inside your semen or whatever bodily fluid we're exchanging. Right. Well, that's the whole thing is like if you wait to have sex to get married it's like oh you're fucked like if you

can't experience that no no no that's not fair that's not fair that's not fair you can't do that's a little vienna sausage for a penis you have to know in advance that's a choice you can't be for by the way if you're getting married as a virgin i'm sure someone's forcing you to do that so right you know not many people are doing that these days no they yes for a good reason yeah it's like yeah for me i agree with you i just saw a statistic that penises have gotten longer by like 24%. There's some fact on Instagram. What? Yes.

My son has a really long penis. I'm not going to lie. I'm allowed to say that. It's really long. Wait, your four-year-old? That must be some sort of evolutionary development if penises are getting longer. I'm going to find this fact for you guys because I read it and I was like, is that so they can attack us from farther away.

They have better aim now. Right? Studies show that the average human penis length has increased. 24% over the course of 29 years. What is, well, what's happened to our vagina? Has anything changed there? That I don't know. But it was, they're sewing themselves shut.

Yeah. That's an evolutionary development. Oh my gosh, that's so interesting. I wonder what's happening. I believe deep down evolutionarily, men will someday be able to conceive. Because what else, you know, as we, women become more and more independent, like, and they decide more often and frequently that they don't want children, like, what is going to be the use of men if not to procreate? So something's going to happen. I don't know what, but hopefully

we'll see the tables reverse. Yeah. Maybe men will have to give birth because women are so prevalent in the workforce. That would be awesome. Out of their, they cut them out. Right. Meanwhile, every one of them would die during childbirth. Every man would be like, what? Excuse me? Have you seen those things where They put those contraction things on men when they have to feel what it feels like and they cannot even take it at like a level two? No, they can't make it past period cramp. Oh, okay. They can't make it.

They're like, I'm dying. Turn it off. And they're like, you're just at period cramps. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's not surprising, right? Yeah.

No. We have to go through a lot. My friend just had a baby and she almost died during her childbirth. Like, she's so traumatized. She needs like a childbirth trauma therapist. Yeah. So it's pretty scary. that in this day and age, at the best hospitals that can still happen, it makes you understand why

so many women, you know, did die during childbirth. Right. Yep, it's so true. I think I would have been one of those women. Speaking of childbirth, I love everything you do about not having children. Oh, my God. We're both moms. But when I see it, I'm like, she's fucking right. She's on to something. Like, when you're like, I get to wake up in the morning and I get to do what I want. And I'm like, more people need to advocate for not having children. Yeah, well, they need to advocate for making sure you know what you're doing when you are having a child, not being on the fence about it. You know, it's just so ridiculous. These kids having kids.

And then we were forced to bring children into the world now through government, like the political party that doesn't want any government interference. It's like, what? I mean, talking about. I know. And then we don't even protect them when they can. get here, you know, these school shootings and just guns and the country that supports gun. It's so gross. So, yeah, and nobody should be talking about anything.

I heard, though, through the grapevine that Tucker Carlson and one of his conservative guests were ripping me apart saying that I'm a miserable, unhappy person who's been lied to about living a life of fulfillment without children. And someone sent me the clip. Yep. And then he goes, oh, taking a half a bottle of Santa Ex-Den. I was like, not far off, but it's way more than that, buddy. I mean, it's just so ridiculous that these men think we, we, they know what is best for us.

Oh, my God. It's so stupid. No, I saw that this morning. My friend didn't even know we were talking to you and sent it to me the unrelated this morning. And I was like, oh, my God, we're talking to Chelsea. And I could not believe this fucking interview. It was, it was so. I know.

He's like, oh, a tumbleweed going on. I don't even know what the fuck he was talking about. It was so ridiculous. And I'm happy you said something. Because I was like, I can't wait to hear Chelsea's opinion on this one. Yeah, I guess I'll have to publicly respond. I'll whip that up after this podcast. My 80-year-old mom heard about it and was like, she's so kind and so sweet and so amazing.

And she's like, I just want to slap him in his dumb face. And I was like, oh, right. Yeah, he's pretty gross. Oh, disgusting. Yeah. So, you know, you've been pretty open about relationships. Yeah, everything. Relationships in general and we break up with your last relationship and all of that. And I have to tell you, so I was reading something where you talked about not willing

to, you know, compromise who you are or, you know, change yourself. You said something like, oh, if I was in my 20s, maybe I would have been more open to adhering to whatever it is you guys were disagreeing on or being something else. And I just have to tell you, like, I relate to that so much now being in my 40s and dating and looking at it like, you know what, this isn't right for me. Or I don't want to change this about me or this isn't meeting a need. And for the first time of my life, the last person I dated, I decided that it wasn't for me. And I just, when I was reading that you, I'm not saying that you did that exactly, but something similar where you were like, I'm going to stay true to myself, which I think is awesome. So it brings up the whole red flag conversation.

We have been talking about it a lot Because I think there's a lot of red flags that come up That you don't tell your friends You don't tell anyone about it Yeah, yeah, definitely That you just take note of But then after the fact you're like, oh shit And then it all comes

Yeah, yeah, I mean there are a lot of red flags But you know when you're like falling in love Like you're not thinking about any of that stuff Yeah, of course we're making excuses Or being like oh that's just until this person gets comfortable Like whatever the issue may be whether it's possessiveness or insecurity or whatever, neediness. I don't know, all the things that come up when you're in a love relationship.

Yeah, you just kind of couch it all. But there comes a time where like, you know, and that time becomes shorter and shorter as an adult where you can recognize exactly what is happening and whether something is workable or unworkable, you know? Right. But that's also the difference between red flags and deal breakers because I think that we have those things that we know,

okay, here's my line in the sand, right? Like, we know are deal breakers that we wouldn't consciously put up with. But I think the red... But if we put up with enough red flags, that becomes, that turns into what is the deal breaker? Totally. Totally. And have your red flags changed over the years?

Like, when you were younger, were certain things glaringly obvious and you ignored them? Or, like, has it changed? Like, I know my red flags as I got older, changed. Yeah. I mean, I'm more aware of everything. now, like little micro things that what I wouldn't have been tuned into when I was younger, of course, I'm now like, wait a second, no, that's not going to be okay with me.

I'm also like, I'm just, I don't have a problem with being by myself. Like, I'm into it. So, like, you're not going to convince me that it's going to be bad, whereas when I was younger, I would be scared to be alone. Not alone, but out of the relationship. Like, oh, what's the aftermath going to be? I would just be so scared of the ending of a relationship because, it's so painful and the missing and the loss and all of that. I didn't like that aspect. So I would

just kind of like avoid that because that was like the crash and burn. Now as I've gotten older, it's like, that's, that doesn't have to be like that. Breakup doesn't have to be a crash and burn. It just is a separation and just, you know, handle yourself with a plum and then you'll get through it. And it happens much more quickly as we get older. We just don't sit in things for as long because, you know, that's just a sign of not evolving, I think. Yeah, but that's, so we would hope people don't, but not everybody is as conscious and willing to look at their side of it. And like, I think that the more people show up and learn their patterns,

learn what their side of it is, learn what they want, then they can face it and move on a lot faster because they have that muscle memory, right? But what gave you that? Is it just experience? Experience, I think. I mean, experience, I guess. Yes, yeah, being more mature and understanding myself more, like, knowing that I do have boundaries that I didn't have to necessarily be explicit about before, or people would, you know,

cross over those boundaries. I mean, I had no boundaries for a long time. Like, I was boundaryless, and I kind of, you know, exuded that as well when in a relationship. But I was in some, like, I was in a very unhealthy relationship for, like, two years on and off when I was in my 30s, that was like, when I think about the fat version of my, you know, myself, I think, oh, God, you were so not grounded. Like, you were up in the clouds and not paying attention to anything or any of your intuition. Even though the intuition was there, but I was just, you know, putting it away. Like, no, no, no, I can do this. So now it's just a different story

because as we all know, you know, the older we get, the less likely we are to put up with any bullshit. And I already have a very small bullshit like parameter or like I hate that. I hate fake. I hate being fake. I hate when people are kissing my ass. I don't like any of that. Right. So I have a short fuse for that to begin with. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. So okay, let me ask you this. What about like age parameters? Because that kind of brings up, you know, do you feel like and have you dated someone like much younger and has that because you know when we're talking about when you're younger and you know boundaries or whatever do you notice that in younger men i don't date i mean i don't think i've i i don't think i've dated i'm 50s when i was in my 20s i dated a 50 year old when i was in my 30s i dated

250 year old and when i was in my 40s i dated 250 year olds so no matter what age i am every every their 50s i'm not a con a i know it's like the opposite of lea decaprio um i i i don't know why, but I've just always been attracted to older men, you know? Like, that's just my thing. Probably a combination of daddy issues and also I'm, you know, more mature. Like, you know, I like a guy that's more mature. Right. I do too. I find it attractive, like the older a man gets, the more distinguished, the hotter it is to me. Well, yeah, but not too old. Don't get carried away. You know what I mean? But we're still, I'm still an ageist. So it has to be like, there's a cap. There's a cap. There's a Yeah, I don't know. I wonder, you know. Yes, I agree. Do you wonder, Rachel? I wonder. Or do you dabble?

I dabble. Oh, God. Yeah, I have dabbled, but we don't need to go there. Broad ideas is supported by Magic Spoon. Growing up cereal was one of the best parts of being a kid. But as I got older, I had to watch out for sugar and empty carbs. Magic Spoon has the amazing flavors you love, but high protein and less sugar. What's your favorite Magic Spoon? My favorite is the fruity. It reminds me of my favorite childhood cereal. I love the peanut butter. You do? Yeah, I'm going to try that next. Variety pack.

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Remember, get your next delicious bowl of high protein cereal at magicspoon.com slash ideas and use the code ideas to save $5 off. Thank you, MagicSpoon, for sponsoring this episode. Broad Ideas is supported by base. Size matters. But as they say, it's not just the size of the boat. It's the motion of the ocean. With my base, weekend or bag, there's room for everything with hyperfunctional and chic designs.

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first purchase by visiting basetravel.com slash ideas. Go to base travel.com slash ideas for 15% off your first purchase. That's B-E-I-S travel.com slash ideas. But Rachel, are you single right now? Yes, yes. Oh, you are. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. No, I am single. I'm getting pressure to like go on Raya and I have are you are you openly yeah I'm on Raya how is it I mean it yields better results than I would imagine well I'm not on other dating sites I'm only on that but I it seems to me like I've never met a guy in a city that wasn't acceptable you know what I mean like so it's it's a good barometer of like and like a level of people that you're going to get that are like you know not rapists or murderers or some lunatic you know what I mean

there's a little bit of a screening process, so that helps. I love that you said in cities because it's like, yeah, well, when I go to different cities, I'm like, okay, I don't want anyone really at my house in L.A. You know what I mean? I'd rather, like, bounce around and have my little things going. Yeah. I was asking Rachel, I'm like, okay, so if Chelsea is on riot, like what would your pictures even be? You're like, I'm just like, I'm fucking Chelsea Handler, right? I have no idea. My cousin put together my profile, like, I don't know, six or seven years. ago when Raya started and it's been the same pictures ever since. My song is Ride My Pony by Genuine. Yes.

Oh my God. I love that so much. But the pictures are pretty stupid as you can imagine. I've seen them and they're pretty stupid. Okay. Good. Yeah. But being on there like you're, you know, you are Chelsea Handler. So imagine like guys, but I get, you're right. There's a screening process so they're not complete. Yeah. And there's other famous people on it. You'll see. I mean, there's lots. It's like a merry-go round of people. I've already been through this group of men. When is somebody getting a dispatch, you know? Oh, my gosh. I mean, it's something. It's good to flirt, you know, even if it doesn't materialize it to anything.

Sometimes we just need to do that to be flirting with someone. Right. Yeah, just like that, even the text exchange or whatever it is. I mean, I could get behind that, I guess. Do you like dating? Not really. You know, I'm more of like a relationship person. Like, when I meet someone, I'm into them and then we're in a relationship.

I'm not a huge dater. So, yeah. It's hard when you're not interested in someone. You know what I mean? Like, then when I'm interested in someone, I'm all about it. But when I have no one in my life, I enjoy that time alone. I get it. It's nice to be untethered.

Do you know what I mean? I can do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want, without consulting anyone. Like, I'm enjoying that. And I know it won't last forever because there's always another relationship around the corner. Yeah. Yeah. I know that's how I feel when my daughter is with her dad, like, for a night, a Saturday night.

I'm like, I don't want to go out. I want to lay in bed. I want to watch TV and probably smoke weeks. You know, like, do whatever. That's exactly. Sometimes I want to spend the whole day doing that. Yeah. But I feel like, too, to play devil's advocate on the other side of that, hopefully when you are in a partnership, you're going to want to do the same things.

So like my favorite thing is when my husband and I do nothing but together, you know, like I don't want to always be doing. I want to be silent or I want to watch something. Like, and I want him to be silent too. And watch something or do whatever. and you don't feel that need to entertain each other. And it's just kind of like they allow you independence, right? Yeah. Like you don't have to be tethered in that way.

Right. Well, but I mean, if you're watching TV together, you're not really being independent, right? You're just being quiet. You're just watching TV. Independence, I think, we imply something else. But yeah, I get your point. Separate rooms. Separate rooms.

Separate rooms. Separate beds. Separate houses. Yeah, I think that's also being comfortable, silent is also a huge thing in a relationship, like when you can do that and not have to talk and it doesn't matter. That's like friendships too. Any relationship also. Right? Yes.

Just like not talk. If it's small talk is like, I'm not into it. Oh, God. I know. And that's when you know. It's real. I'd rather die. Yeah.

Yeah. So one of the things that I find really fascinating was your experience with plant medicine. really like curious what brought you to that and like obviously I know from watching you know the special but like what called you to that and what I really want to know is have you seen it change anything in your life yeah I mean it definitely changed my relationship with my sister I went in there thinking it was going to be about my brother who had died or my mom who had passed away and it wasn't it was all about my older sister one of my older sisters and we had a had a contentious relationship growing up. And it was just about me not judging her. And it just was like

this phantasmagoria of images on my iPod, like an iPod shuffle. Like remember those? And it was just like images from our childhood of all of the memories we had spent together growing up in the summers on Martha's Vineyard and like running through the beach holding hands, like tipping each other over in kayaks. Like all these suppressed memories I had were coming to the surface because they were all real, like all things that had happened. My childhood doll. was there who had forgotten about. Oh my girl. We're in the same bathing suits that we really wore.

And it was just this voice saying like, stop judging your sister. She's not like you. She doesn't want a big life. And she doesn't want all of these things. And she's happy living a simpler life. Like I always was just like, you're so lazy. Come on. Like, let's get motivated.

But she's not like that. She's just not interested in the things that I'm interested in. So it was a definite defining moment in terms of like an epiphany. It was had. And she definitely noticed a difference of my behavior towards her after that because I was like, oh, I didn't tell her what had happened on the ayahuasca trip. She saw it when it came out on Netflix and was like, oh, my God, I totally have seen a difference since you had that moment. And I was like, yeah, she's like, why didn't you tell me about that moment? I was like, you know, because I'm a bitch.

And I was like, fuck, you know. I realized I was basically being told during my ayahuasca ceremony to be less of a bitch. So I decided, okay, let me employ that. And it did change our relationship. Wow. That's wild. I love that you went in with one intention, like mom or brother, and it was something completely different that was actually more practical to life on life's terms today, right?

Yeah. I mean, it was, I don't know if I even went. The first night I did it, I had two friends there. And they had a really strong kind of negative reaction initially. So that took me out of my trip. I just, I had to like be there for them. So then when I, the next night, the shaman's like, you buy yourself only one camera. And I was shooting this for a Netflix special.

I wouldn't have been attracted to doing this without having, you know, been on camera. Like I was just trying to have an experiential time that the viewers could also experience something with. So I wanted to do something I had never done before. But I would, yeah, I'm not like, it was amazing and great, but I have no desire to do it again. Right. My friends are always like, oh, let's do another sit with a whole group. and I'm just like, no. I'm good.

Like, I got something out of it. I'm going to, like, let it, you know, let it ride like that. Yeah. I feel like I would feel like that too, because it would also just be scared that it could go south the second time. Like, like a bad negative trip. I don't know, but that's my own negativity, I guess. Right, right. Well, you definitely can't go in it being fearful.

Right. That's no good. Like, my friend up here in Whistler, I'm in Whistler right now, does all these mushroom psilocybin and ketamine sits. And she's trying to convince me to do five grams of muscle. mushrooms until like, you know, it takes, it's like an ego killer. Like, you go to a place that you are not even in your body. And I'm like, honestly, five years ago I would have been down with this, but now I'm like, that just gives me diarrhea thinking about that, you know? Like, I'm like, I don't think I want five grams of mushrooms. And she's like, you don't understand. You're

going to love it. I'm like, but what if I don't? Like, what if I have terrible? And I've never felt like this about drugs. And I'm like, okay, you definitely can't go do it if you feel that way about it. No, not at all. It happened to me at Disneyland. I stupidly took much. and I got stuck umpire to the Caribbean and I like almost shit my pants. So it was the same. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. That wasn't spiritual. No. Yeah, no. Being on a roller coaster isn't quite big experience. Or stuck with like Johnny Depp and the boat doesn't move and you're just stuck there, which feels like five hours. He's not. I was ready to jump ship. So I can relate to the feeling. Okay, so we have some questions that we want to go through if you're down. Not down.

All right, what's your weirdest turn on? I don't know weirdest, but there are certain parts of a man's body that I really like. Like, their hamstrings, like when they're sitting in a chair and you can see like the muscle in their hamstrings, I love that. I love when you can see like a cut around their waist because they're like ripped, but not ripped, ripped. I don't like that. I just like when it's natural, you know, I don't want someone that's, like, working out too hard. But I also want them to be ripped. You want them good and perfect.

But certain people. body parts like hands you know neck like i get turned on by things like that i love those like little cut yeah yeah yeah i like when a man has like a really strong neck you know like i love that yeah how do you feel about like neck tattoos no oh definitely i find it very hot what about you yeah i don't know oh you do oh i do i do i guess i find it attractive i don't know it's weird okay if you can only watch one movie for the rest of your life what would you pick oh i guess jaws i love jaws that's a good movie. That would be like, yeah, that'd be intense.

Well, I grew up on Martha's Vineyard, which is where they filmed it. I was going to say, yeah. And so we have a close relationship with that movie, and we love it. Because we saw that shark in the water when it was being filmed. Well, I didn't because I was born after that movie. But my brothers and sisters saw the shark bruise going back and forth in Katabba Bay. And so they didn't go in the water for like 10 years after that movie came out. Yeah, it's scary.

I wouldn't either. Is my turn? Okay. What's the most embarrassing thing you've done to someone else? Oh. I mean, showing up at my ex-boyfriend's apartment, like at the day after we broke up or another ex-boyfriend driving by his apartment, seeing him with a girl after we had broken up and then making some stupid excuse to knock on his door and, like, come over at that time because I was, you know, looking for my invisible line or something. That was pretty embarrassing. That was embarrassing. That was embarrassing. because he knew as soon as I was doing that, what I was doing, and I knew that he knew what I was doing. So there was no mystique or even belief that anyone was getting away with it. The good old, I left my envisaline at your house. I've also used that line to get out of a one, like out of a hookup. Like if I'm hooking up, I remember hooking up with this guy and I couldn't go through with it. I was like, no, no, this isn't going to work. Probably because of the Vienna sausage that I mentioned earlier. Right. And I was like, I have to go to my car. I can't sleep here without my invisible line. And I left and never came up. back. So Invisaline is a great excuse to use because it's invisible, so they're really hard to find. Do you actually wear one though? Yeah, sometimes when I sleep on my bottom teeth. I love it if you were like, no. If you're like never touched the thing. No, I've never had it. If you had a dick for a day, what would you do with it? Keep it in its pants. Awesome. Love that. Just all day. In the past. Yes. Yes, exactly.

Yeah, not even taking it out to go to the bathroom. Just letting it sit and understand what. what being in the cover of dark means. All right, what are your deal breakers in a relationship? Oh, jealousy. Like cheating. What else? Nass, like, mean to waiters. I could never be like somebody like that.

Yeah. And just like if they smell, like I can't. like unhygienic. I'm very grossed out by that. What if a dude has just like really strong B.O. But it's his smell. It's not necessarily pleasant. And they are clean. What do you do in that situation? Sounds specific. It depends. It depends. You know, sometimes you like those smells and sometimes you don't. But if you don't, I am very hypersensitive to smell and to sound. It's called hyperacusus for sound. I don't know what it's called for smell. But yeah, I can't. I did once have an affair with this guy. It's not an affair. I mean, we're both single. but like a love, like relationship with a guy who had a very strong scent that I did not like. Right.

And eventually I just had to, you know, tell him that our pheromones don't match up. Yeah, but I told him the truth. I said, listen, there's just a strong odor that's coming from you. And I don't know if you have candida or what, but I'm out, skidoodle. Oh, what about halitosis? No. I can't even forgive that from somebody I'm not having sex with. I remember people who had bad breath six years ago.

Like that's how intense my sense of smell is. I don't want to smell your breath ever. Right. And if I do and it's bad, that's a big, I will never forget. Oh yeah. I'm with you. 100%. Have you ever had someone on a date be addicted to a waiter or service?

Do you just leave people in general? No, but I've been around people like that and it's like, oh, it's unforgivable. Unfavorable. I am with you. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't you start as a waitress? Like, didn't you wait tables?

Where did you wait tables? Everywhere that I go everywhere. I mean, I waited so many places because I got fired so often that I had to just keep. I circled the area. I worked a Chia Venice. That was open. Roasty, Montana, I worked there for. Oh, my God. Yes. A bunch of places. A lot of places I worked out for one day. They would fire me like the day I started. Were you good at all? Or were you just like, I don't give a fuck? Like, I wasn't going to take a test for like about the menu. So anytime that came up, when restaurants were like, hey, we need you to take a test about them. I'm like, I'm not doing that. Like, I can deliver food and take orders, but I'm not going to have a great attitude about it. And it's just going to be a transaction. And so, yeah, that didn't work out great. But I mean, I survived for like six or seven years waiting tables. So I just kept showing up at different places, you know, hoping to make a new impression. Isn't it awesome? But I feel like everyone should do it so that they know how to treat people. Yeah, it should be mandatory, like six months. Before you have sex, you should wait tables for six months.

That's right. And then just, you know, like, because people are really, really obnoxious. People don't look you in the eye. They don't respect you. They order you around. And it makes you really understand. Like, I don't think I'm always so conscious about how I treat staff. You know what I mean? Like, I can't believe people just go in there and do that. Can't believe it. Even my own father. I waited on my own father. He didn't even tip me. I was like, dad, that's, you can't do that. He's like, you're my daughter. I'm not tipping you. I'm like, no, dad. You do that all the time. Like, my dad was really cheap. He would, like, flirt with the waitresses and then just leave them a shitty tip. I'm like, that's gross, dad. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Intergenerational trauma. I'm breaking it. You're healing it. I'm healing the world with my friendliness towards the servers. Same. I'm, like, overboard. I over-tip.

I mean, from being a waitress myself for many years, I'm like, if anyone is even remotely rude, I'm done with them as a human. Yeah, yeah. I agree with that. You're not okay. How do you feel about putting shopping carts back where they go, though? It's a good question. I mean, and Whistler, I do my grocery shopping here.

I don't do it in L.A., so it's funny when you see me grocery shopping because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And all I do is buy liquid. I just buy tons of just different drinks and think that that's all I'll need when I get home. But I do always return the grocery cart because I just feel like someone's always watching me. So like half of my good deeds are just because I'm like, is God watching? Like is my dead brother watching? I just want to be a good Samaritan. You know what I mean?

I don't want to cause any trouble. But there are times where like, you know, I hate putting money in a meter, so I just refuse to do that. And I'd rather, like, almost rather get the ticket because I just don't want to deal with, like, you know, a whole parking situation. So that doesn't really line up with the shopping cart thing, but it's somehow analogous. Yeah. Yeah, but you're still, yeah, the good news about that is you're still paying because you're going

to get a ticket. So it's not like you're like beating the city out, actually. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm funding the city, the municipality. It's actually very generous. Thank you. Broad Ideas is supported by Factor.

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That's B-L-I-S-S-Y.com slash Rachel. Okay, tell us about your worst one-night stand. Oh, there were so many. I wrote a whole book. I wrote a whole book about it called My Horizontal Life, a Collection of One Night's Dance. That was my first book. Yeah. And there were some in there that were pretty bad.

I mean, I once walked in a walk of shame in like an M-N-M-N-Cust. after Halloween. So that was pretty horrifying. Like in Santa Monica, I was walking home from this guy's house. And all I had was this huge green Eminem costume to wear and the tights. So that was, that was bad. And then I ended up back at that guy's house three years later. He was hooking up with my girlfriend. And I'm in this guy's apartment. And I'm like, you know, Santa Monica, all the apartments are kind of the same. And I was like, huh, this apartment seems familiar. And then I'm like all apartments. It all feels like three's company, right? Those fun bedroom bedroom. apartment or two-bedroom. And then finally I was like, no, I fit in this apartment. And then this guy brought

out hashish and I knew. I was like, I know you. I hooked up with you three years ago. Oh my God. And he was like, oh my God. And my friend was hooking up with him. And I was like, what a full circle moment. Oh my God. That's a good one. Did you have any good walk of shame? I don't know. I did have one when I had a boyfriend and I wasn't supposed to be out. And I ran it in Santa Monica. It made me think of it. I ran into his friend outside of a diner. going to a party when I was supposed to be home and I got busted. That's not a walk of shame, but that's just like you got caught. That's just a story.

That's just something she wanted us to know. I'm totally unrelated and I just felt like sharing. Okay, so you're going on a ski vacation with three close friends. Who are you bringing and pick people that maybe people know? Who do I want to ski with? First of all, they need to be able to ski. Right. So, Lindsay Vaughn, I'd go with Lindsay.

Okay. And Michaela Schifrin. That would be fun. because I would learn something. And then my ski buddy from up here, Kelly. She's my ski guide up here. So she was a ski racer, and she's taught me how to ski better than I did before. So I guess those three.

Okay. Well, here's the second part. I have to have sex with one of them? No. There's an avalanche and you all get trapped in your cabin. Who would you eat first? Oh, God. I don't think I could eat somebody, honestly.

I guess whoever had the most meat on them. I feel like that's fair. Yeah, I guess who, but I really don't think I could eat someone. I would rather just kill myself. Like, if there's any chance of me dying, I would just end it as quickly as possible. Yeah. I don't want to fight for my life. You know what I mean?

I'm the same. I'm like, it's time to go. Yeah, I'm not going to put up a fight. It's like, you know, if these Republicans get me one day, good for them. I don't care. I'm just like, whatever. Yeah, so in any situation you're like, I'm just, that's it for me. What would you do?

Would you eat them? No. The only reason I would eat someone is. I couldn't. You couldn't, though. I don't even think you could do it. Like, it takes, first of all, you have to probably be a man to eat another verse. I'm true.

I don't think a woman could do it. I definitely couldn't do it. I could only do if it meant like keeping my child alive or something. Like I would do it for my kid. I'd be like, all right, this bitch's thigh is going down. I'm going to eat it. Yeah, but that's those, but those aren't the circumstances. Those are not, you're just skiing.

You're just skiing and the Republicans are going to. coming to get you. Yes, on skis. On ski. Sounds appropriate. It sounds right. What is the strangest reason you've ever broken up with someone? The strangest reason. I've never, there's never been a strange reason. Oh, one guy's leg was too long and I was freaking, that is a strange reason. Yeah, I remember dating this guy and he just had one leg that seemed longer than the other one, like one splayed out and they weren't even. And then I had my assistant take a look at it. I was like, listen, I had left something at his house and my sister went to go grab it. I go, while are you there, check out his legs.

Like, something's off. And he came back. He's like, I saw what you're talking about. One leg is longer. He's like, he's pretty hot though. I'm like, I don't know about that leg. So, yeah, that was the weirdest thing. And that wasn't the whole reason, but it was a contributing factor.

That's a big, that is a strange reason. What about you? Do you have one? A strange reason? No. Can't ask these questions and not give her something back. Well, one arm longer. No, but like one of the, no, I was going to think of like a red flag thing.

It's not, it's not as strange, though. It's just, okay, but let me ask you, you're going to bed at night. You guys are in bed and you're watching something. And then he just turns it off when he's ready to go to sleep. No. Right? Right? No, that's not right. That's not necessarily a red flag.

That's just like, hey, asshole, you're not in charge of the television. Don't do that again. Don't do that again. But you don't think it's a red flag? I feel like it's like, oh, you're a little self-involved. Well, you just say it right then, though. Like, that's a moment. That's something you could bring up right in the moment.

Like, what are you doing? Right. I had a boyfriend who was once eating food. There was, I guess, like, calamari, let's say, on a plate. And, like, he was sorting around the food with his finger to pick the right piece of calamari and shoving the other ones. And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, we had been dating for a few months.

I go, whoa, whoa, what's going on here? What are you doing? What are you doing fingering the calamari? Whenever it was, I was like, you can't move food around because you're looking for the best one. You pick one, you touch one, and then you eat it. And he was like, oh. And I was like, did you not know that? And he was like, no, I always do it.

It's like a nervous. I go, well, you can't do that anymore. It's disgusting and I won't stand for it. Yeah, we're done with that. In moments like that with tiny infractions, I think it's best and most useful to raise the point in that moment. That is true. How would you feel about this? A friend of mine told me she was once giving a guy head.

and all of a sudden she heard crunching. And she looked up and he was eating chips. No, that's a deal breaker. Right? Wait, that's disgusting. That happened to me, but he was eating, he took a baguette and just bit it. Oh, oh. Oh, my God, are you serious?

I'm dead serious. I once was having sex and went to grab my phone and then realized what I was doing. I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're so bored that you were about to check your phone. Oh my God, that's so good. Oh, that's so good. Can you imagine if you're like looking up and finding someone scrolling on Instagram while

they're not sex with you. What were you grabbing it for? Who knows? It's just like your phone. You're just like subconscious, you know, how we're just addicted to our phones. Right. Grab it without even thinking mindlessly. Just your go-to.

What's the lowest you've stooped to get back in the next? Oh, well, I was 21 and I had this British boyfriend. We broke up. And then I went to his house the next day. I got really drunk when I was with my girlfriends and then went over there, you know, like you do in your in your 20s. And I walked in and he had another girl over his apartment and I was just horrified. Like it was the worst night. And then my girlfriend went back the next day in Keita's car, got my things and Keita's car for me.

And I was like, yeah. Yeah. And that was pretty, you know, dumb. Did he find out? Yeah. Yeah. He saw her do it. She's like, that's for Jalzi.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he, yeah. But, I mean, it was the night after we broke up. So I had, you know, I was pissed. Yeah, really pissed. And young and drunk. Young, drunk and ready to key. Yeah, exactly. I was like, listen, you're going to. And then I remember, I think years later, it's funny how ex-boyfriends always resurfaced. Don't you find that? They're always coming around the mountain again. It doesn't matter how much time is passed by. There's never been an ex of mine that has not gotten back in contact with me. Wow. But yeah, that says a lot because there's people that don't have that experience. Oh, really? I just feel like men are so predictable. Like, once you're in a relationship with them and I don't know. Yeah, maybe not everybody does have that experience. Did 50 Cent ever come back? I mean, we've spoken since. I don't know if he came back. We spoke about something. But yeah, there's always a flirtation there. Yeah. I think he would be open to that. I feel like he'd be that reunification. Oh my God. He'd be hard not to flirt with.

Like, I can't imagine having a conversation with him and not flirting. Yeah, he's very flirtatious. Yeah. And he's got like a twinkle in his eyes. So, yeah, it's easy to fall into. Yeah, completely. I mean, that one song, what is it? You know, the one, the main one.

Find me. Is that his in the club? Yes. At me in the club? It's a fucking panicky. Or that birthday song. Oh, the birthday song. Or is the same?

It's like, you can find me in the club. Bottle full of a mama, what you need. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's so sexy. Takes you to your 20s in the club. I don't know. But I loved it.

I loved when that was made public, Chelsea. We all did. We all did. I like that you two still support each other. Yeah. Yeah, we do. That's good. So are you friends with X's?

Like do you say friends or do they just resurface or what are your thoughts on that? I mean, we're friendly. All my exes are friendly. I'm friendly with not like hanging out friendly, but you know, emails here and there when they see something or to send me an email. It's hard to ever take your exes seriously after you break up with them I find. Like once you get distance, you're like, oh, right. So I don't know. Like there's not much happening. We're not, you know, we're not besties, but we're on good terms. Yeah, I think it's good to be on good terms. Are there any that you're just on terrible terms with that you never want to hear from again? No, no.

None. No. Wow, that's really good. Yeah. What about you, Miss Rachel? Well, I don't know. I don't think. I think I'm fine.

She doesn't remember anyone she's deemed. I don't remember anything. Like, I don't even remember. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't remember. I don't even remember Dick sometimes. Like, I don't remember what it was like. Or, like, I know.

Like, I remember the member. Do you remember the person? Is. She doesn't even try and search for that. She just tries to remember their dick. Well, that's, I mean, that would be so insulting. If I were someone and had sex with someone and they didn't remember me, I would be so insulted. Yeah.

I just, but I don't remember anything in my defense. It's hard. I don't know, but I definitely don't remember sex with a lot of guys. And I think that's, I don't know what that's about. Maybe I block it. I block it out. Do you remember every sexual encounter you've ever had? No.

No, I mean, probably not. I don't know. Some people do or might. I mean, I think I would remember everyone I had sex with, but you know what? I probably wouldn't either. There's probably been nights where I don't remember who I had sex with. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, here was my question.

So in your special, you talk about the guy in the flip-flops, right? The captain hat. Yes. That's a real person who saw my special, by the way. Oh. I'm glad. Did he see your Pikachu? No.

Okay. No, no, no. No, no. Because afterwards I was like to my husband, I'm like, I wonder if she actually fucked him. Well, I say that I didn't because I took his drugs and handed it out to all the women in the party in the special. So I definitely didn't have sex with Greg with two G's. Oh.

But my favorite thing that you say is Pikachu. Like, fucking every single time, where did that come from? It's a Pokemon. It's a family term. Well, no, no. It's a family term. It's way before the movie or Pokemon, the game or movie, whatever the fuck it is. People think I've been using that, Pikachu.

No, we had Pikachu before that. We spell a P-E-E-K-A-C-H-U, Pikachu. And then we have other words, like for boys' private parts, it was called Bichuki. And then for, and then we had another name for vagina, which was Caslopis, which is much more vile than Pikachu. It's a lot less melifluous, so I like to use Pikachu. But, yeah, it's a family name. It's a family name.

I knew it had to come from somewhere. I'm like, it's not the Pokemon character. I mean, that's where I know. No, no, it's not. But it's something that I've adopted because I like the way it sounds and it's fun to say. Oh, good. I'm glad you're perpetuating it. Oh, yeah.

Good. Thank you. We're letting that one live. I like it. I'm down with that. I hurt my Pikachu. You know, it just feels right. It's not like.

Dr. Carlson hurts my Pikachu. The sound of his voice hurts my Pikachu. I feel like when he speaks, he hurts one Pikachu at a time. It's just like all our Pikachu's clothes and shri- And you know he's going to invite me on his show. I'm waiting for that invitation. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Chelsea, that'd be my favorite conversation of all time. I can't even imagine. I also, you know, when you spoke about the gun violence and also the abortion thing, like, if you really look at everything that is going on and I just love how vocal you are about all of it because it's absolutely preposterous. Could you date someone in a different political party? I would hope so. I mean, but probably not.

I mean, no, a different political party. Yeah, they could be an independent. I mean, I just can't get, I mean, you know, I don't think I could date a Republican in the current atmosphere that we're in when the people like Marjorie Taylor Green have been voted into office. Like, that's the party. You stand behind. No, no. Yeah. I don't, I just don't see how it would work. And the guns. Like, the guns are like, I feel like it's so criminal, you know, like all these people supporting the NRA should be in jail. Like, it's basic, it's murder. Like, we're letting little children, innocent children die every single day because of a profit. I can't for the life of me understand how that is a political position. I can't either. No. Don't you ever feel like you just woke up to like some weird-ass dream where you're like, how can this be legal that people are fighting for the right to shoot people is just fucking insane. Like it makes absolutely no sense. It feels like a nightmare. Yeah. It's pretty pretty pathetic as a country. Yeah. Yeah. It is. It's absolutely. absolutely pathetic as a country. And that's why you go to Whistler. Yeah, that's why I spend so much time

in Canada. I'm like, never mind. How do you feel, though, does it make you lose faith at all in humanity? Or do you feel like it's just that divided? Or do you kind of lose a little bit of faith in this? No, I mean, I think, I mean, yeah, it's pretty upsetting that so many people can vote against, you know, like human rights and stuff like that. So, yeah, that's upsetting. But I have hope for the future. I think, you know, the younger generations are just like so much smarter and so much more well-attuned and so much more tolerant of people with differences. Like, it's not about skin color and whether you know, you want to, you know, transition or be gay or marry a person that's gay. Like, shut the fuck. Who cares what people are doing? Right. Like, let people be free. That's what

brings the best society together is when people pursue their right to happiness and freedom. Like, and that's when we get the best results from the people. So I want everyone here to be happy. not mad and angry or forcibly repressed, you know, having a man tell you that, you know, you can't transition or you can't change your body that you're unhappy with and you don't feel like is your own. I just can't stand, you know, I think that this new generation and probably a couple generations are just much more understanding of the fact that people have different stuff going on just because you don't experience that. Doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And you should be tolerant. Tolerant is the best thing that you can be with people or

different, you know, like that's the first step to being compassionate. And then having empathy, you know, take the whole ride. But start with being more tolerant. Right. Yeah. And what is the difference? It's like, okay, you don't want me to change my body if someone wants to transition or whatever. But let's go ahead and cut open my chest and put some big tittyes in there and you're cool with that, right? Yeah, absolutely. So, yeah, they love big titties. They love big titties. Like, yeah, I don't understand what the difference is. They love big titty. They love big titty.

So we play a game. We do play a game. At the end of our conversations. Fuck Mary Kill. Okay. Okay, we have Caesar Milan, David Spade, and Tristan Thompson. Is Tristan Thompson the Bachelor? Oh, Tristan Thompson. Chloe? Yeah, yeah. Yes. Fuck Mary.

Kill. Okay, well, I'd marry David because he's funny. Who's the other option? Caesar Milan, the dog whisper. Oh, well, I can't have sex with him, so I guess I'll kill him. And then I'll have sex with Tristan. Yeah, that's my decision. That was easy, actually.

Oh, that was easy. Okay. Okay, so you have a tour. You're going to go on tour. When is that happening? Yes. Little Big Bitch tour that I just announced. Yeah, I'm going, we're announcing Red Rocks.

I'm playing Red Rocks in Colorado in the spring, and I have a bunch of dates. Yeah, so you can go to Chelseahandler.com for Little Big Bitch. Tickets. Oh, I want to see it. I'm so excited. I think that's so awesome. And Revolution, your Netflix special is so, oh my God. Wait, I didn't even say, my favorite part was when you were talking about Gary, the dog. Oh, poor Gary. And how your other dogs, you're like, they just open the door and let them out. Yeah. Yeah, dogs are like that. They fucking hate each other. They hate each other. I just had like rivalry at its finest. Oh, my God, at its finest. I'm at its finest. I just had to give a little shout out to Gary because that just killed me. Oh, thank you.

Yes, yes. Make sure everyone catches my Revolution special. It's my favorite special for sure. It is brilliant. And I so appreciate your comedy and your openness and just how rad you are. Oh, thank you, girls. That's so sweet. No, and appreciate you talking with us.

Okay, girls, thank you. Thank you so much. Bye. Have a great day. You too. You know those uncomfortable, yeah, so uncomfortable moments where you just start laughing at the the most inopportune time, and it always happens. I feel like there's something to that.

Like, it's like a nervous, no, you're not supposed to. And it makes it worse, obviously. And then it becomes, like, almost a thing. Everything triggers it. Yeah, no matter what. Yeah, my grandma's funeral. We had it. And her, like, sister, who was in her, like, 90s was sitting right next to us.

Did she catch it? No, she didn't catch it. Imagine if she did? We were laughing. Couldn't stop. And then, like, my brother went up to do a reading and he stumbled on a word. And then my sister went up to do a reading and her shoe fell off. Oh, my gosh.

What a real company of errors, huh? What set you guys off, though? Do you remember? I don't even know what it was originally. It might have been my brothers. Stumbling on a word. Guys. So this weekend, which will be the weekend that just passed.

You know, since Chelsea is... an avid skier, my daughter is turning out to be, I'd say, probably a nice pro-jury. She's very good. I've never skied in my life. When I was younger, the cool thing was to snowboard, right? So I took up snowboarding. I guess it would have been like junior high or beginning of high school. Now when I say I took up snowboarding, like I never got good at it.

Like I could make it down the mountain, but I could never carve. You didn't really have, you had to go to like a. Mammoth. Well, mammoth. No, no, but back in Chicago, like, you could just go at the hill by your school. But that's not, like, snowboarding. You could get a snowboard and practice on the hill. Like practice. Yeah.

But you don't get to do that here because you don't have snow. Oh. That's what I was saying. Okay. Like, you could go to sled hill and practice snowboarding. Got it. I saw something I got targeted on Instagram for some virtual. You should do that, but it'll get really good.

ski place you can go and it like simulates since not snow. But anyway, so I haven't been on a snowboard in at least a decade. Okay. Are you, you're going to snowboard instead of skiing? I have never put skis on my feet. It's so much easier. That's what I keep saying. Everybody, I got a lot of opinions and they were like, if you've never done it, and I can't, I don't have time to take a lesson. I have to go with Briar down the mountain. You're going to like, be like, why didn't I do this? If you can snowboard, you can ski. It's so much easier Rachel. I didn't say I can snowboard. If you've snowboarded before

you'll be just as good at skiing. Better. Better. Yeah. It's easier. It's way easier. Snowboarding is so much harder. I've been snowboarding and I switched to skiing like halfway through the day and it was just like this so much easier with. But you had skied as a kid or something. No. No. I'm for ski.

When I was learning how to snowboard, I just kept like falling and I was like, fuck this. So I got to a point where I can make it down a mountain with out falling. Then you'll be great on skis. You should ski. But I didn't think this was the time. It is. To learn. It is. I have to be with my kid

and take her down. Yeah, it's easier. Pizza, French fries. Pizza. Have you ever been to? Skiing? Yeah. Yeah, I've had to do it with Jeff. And he taught me pizza, French fries. If you want to stop, you just, you just go down like this the whole time you're fine. Are you doing black diamonds with her?

You're doing like the lead. Fuck yeah, she's doing black I guarantee you my life. You're going to have a better experience. I've already committed to the snowboard, so I need you guys to not make me more anxious. Bad idea. Why is that a bad idea? If it's the only thing I've ever done. You have so much more control over skiing.

Yeah. So I'm the sole parent on this trip. I am responsible. Then you should have more control over yourself. And it should be skis because you can at least walk. Not one board. You have two and two sticks. You're stuck in them.

You can't move your feet like that. But I am of, I can make it down the mountain on a snowboard. You can make it down on skis then better, even having never done it. You're going to go down the bunny hill once. You'll get it. And you're not doing black diamonds, right? You're going to do like the more leisurely. Yeah.

Then you'll be totally fine on skis. So more control on skis. You have poles to like help you. I do think this is seriously. It's been a decade since you've snowboarded. It's stupid. You're going to end up waddling around with one leg and a board attached to you. You know what my biggest thing is?

Getting off the fucking lift. That's easier on skis. I hate it. Easier on skis. I hate getting off the lift. It is my least favorite thing. I already have anxiety thinking about being on the lift and with my kids. So like I have to like, you know, she's even like, mom, if I need help, can you help me off the lift?

I'm like, of course I can. I'm like dreading it and super, super nervous. Any beta blockers? I think you need skis. Yeah, you need skis. And poles. You need the poles? I'm sure I can change it.

Oh, God. You can. But, okay, so the other mom who's going, my friend Terry, her daughter, like, they're skiing. She's still snowboards. Her husband switched to skiing for the kids. Like, he's not snowboarding anymore. Well, just, he's always, he's telling her, like, it's so. Helpish of you to snowboard, like, you should be on skis, like with the kids or whatever.

But I... You should be on snow. Yeah, why would... No, but I've never put skis on my feet before. It doesn't matter. Rachel, you need to trust us. It really doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter.

I've done both. I've done both, too. You've snowboard? Yes. When? I was horrible. Yeah, it's hard. Back in the day, it's really hard.

It's a lot harder than... I know. It's hard to balance at all. It's very hard. It's hard to fall over on skis. It has... Two legs. And two holes.

I just think that I'm going to go this way and like pull my groin or something. No, no, you just go like that with your feet. I'm telling you if I can do it. I do believe that. Yeah. I did both. It's hard to fall on skis. I don't know about it being hard to fall in skis, but.

Guys, but I have a big problem. I bought snowboarding. Like a snowboarding outfit, not a ski one. What? Do you mean snow pants? What are you talking about? Not snow pants? It's fine.

was skiing is cuter. You have like tighter pants and like cuter things. And I didn't do that. You bought the big overalls instead. I looked like a 13 year old boy. Oh, I didn't know there was a difference. Yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah.

There's a different. You got like the Burton jacket. Yes. I look like a bro. Yeah. That's cute. Instead of the like little plaid bunny outfit. Yeah.

Yeah, I could have had a really, Nicole was going to give me a really cute outfit. And I was like, nerd, bruh. You know what? I'm fucking shredding the mountain, bruh. She probably still. could get you that outfit. I leave in the morning. I know.

Anyways. That's the opinion skiing. I mean, I have to say, seeing Chelsea's ski, like, I'm like, fuck, that looks fun. She looks great. She's still only, like, 40% convinced. 100%. I'm only 40%. And could do whatever she wants anyways.

No, you know, I'll go back and forth another, like, 100 times. You guys, I bought these snowboard pants that are, like, 2001 low riders. I'm like, what the fuck is the point of this, first of all? I'm going to have snow falling into my pants. It's a shit show, the whole thing. I sent Olivia a picture of my goggles arrived. Yeah. And she's like, what is happening?

She didn't even remember. I've told her a million times I have to go fucking snowboarding. I'm in denial. You're in denial. I'm in denial. I remember our friend Jill, like, for years, we've been like, it's been a long time. We used to go with her parents in high school. Like, we would pretend to snowboard, whatever.

We're like, we're fucking done. Like, never doing it again. I don't want to do it. And here I am. Yeah, you shouldn't. Yeah, you should ski. You absolutely should not. Okay.

All right. She does it. She does it. No, I'm... No, I'm not true. It's more my outfit than my... No, I'm kidding. I totally can...

Wait, it doesn't even matter. No, I'm choking. No, I might... I think I'm strongly considering switch to skis if it's... 45%. If I'll die less, it's definitely... appealing. There's a 45% chance

that she'll switch. Yeah. Part of me is like, I kind of want to prove like, oh, I can totally still snowboard. You're not proving that to anyone. To myself and my camera phone. Do it when you don't have an eight-year-old

that you want to chase around. I know. I know. I agree. Guys, I'm dreading either, if I'm being honest. Okay? Winter sports,

not my wheelhouse. Do you know which one's easier? Skiing. Yeah. You know what's even easier? Sledding. You know what's easiest? Sitting in a lodge having a hot chocolate. Did you see that Boy Meets World where they go to the ski lounge?

No. What? Wait, I love that. What? I used to watch that. Yes. Boy Meets World. No, I have it. He's skiing with Topanga and then he gets hurt and then he meets another girl at the lodge.

Was that your dream as a kid? Yeah. Did you have a crush on Topanga? No, I liked the girl that he fell in love. with. At the lodge? That was a big episode for you, huh? Big episode for me. Life changing. She worked at the lodge and they kissed, and then he had to tell the panga.

I mean, how long was he in this lodge? It's like a whole love story. It was like the weekend. They stayed up late by the fire talking while everyone out. She was out on the slopes. He told her to go out on the slopes, and he had gotten hurt. That is some fucked up shit, man. Were they together? Topanga and her own, yeah. Oh, that was very, yeah, I understand why that was. Oh, on the O.C.

Yeah. Everyone was not my favorite storyline. I loved that story. Of course you did. I mean, I hated him. Yeah, everyone did. That was the point, I think. All right, well, fuck.

Yeah, you should ski. I should ski. Look, if I took up ski, like, I actually, I enjoy adventure. I enjoy sports. Maybe it was because I only ever snowboarded why I'm not into it. Maybe if I skied, I'd actually enjoy it. And I would like to do something with my daughter, because she's actually really good. Well, we're going to do a mammoth trip.

You and Jeff? You just want to go to the restaurant. Yes, but I also want to ski. When was this trip where you snowboarded and switched to skiing? When? Yeah. When I was like 16? Oh, okay.

I don't know. They've lost merit. How does it lose me? I don't know It's going to be a disaster all the way around But anyway Yeah I kind of want to go just in my head You guys, I should have a GoPro

Oh my helmet Live from the slopes Live from the slopes It'd be pretty fucking epic Will you go live on Instagram Oh my god Your first time getting off the lift And the going down

No I really am terrified of getting off the lift We need to get you one of those like Things so you can mount the phone to your head. That's what I just said, a GoPro on my helmet. Yeah, but with your phone, so you can be live. Oh, so you can go live? Yeah. Oh, man.

Yeah. Okay. Well, it'll be something. So, you know, people talk about like, okay, what's healthy? Like, amount of sex you have when you're in like a long-term... Why are you laughing, bro? A long-term relationship. No, but it comes up a long-term relationship.

lot. Like, what's considered, like, oh, you have a healthy sex life with your partner in a long-term relationship if you have X amount, you know, a week or a month or whatever? Right. And I think it varies. Now, I'm always, like, astounded by the amount Olivia and Jeff have sex. It's not that much. Well, married two kids. So it's what? How many times? Well, I would say the average. The average is on the lower. and once a week. Okay. Lately, it's been more. We're like two to four times a week.

What? What? With a new baby? A one-year-old and a six-year-old and marriage. Two to four times a week? Are you the instigator? Uh, normally. Okay.

What about you? I used to be. So, I mean, it varies, though. Like, when she was pregnant, it was more. What? And then after it was less for a little bit. Yeah, of course. Are we calling, are you intercourse or any sort of?

Do you just do other any sorts? Sometimes. What do you mean? Yeah. Sometimes it'll just be a blowjob or whatever. Oh, yeah. Or a hand job in a life. Yeah.

I mean, it's been a long time since I've been in like a long-term relationship. So I can't. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. So I'll do this. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

If you take the dog out, I'll give you a handy. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, we definitely make deals. You know, like if you do this all, or if he does something like really nice, like, all right, you're getting. Right. Yeah, yeah. I do think there's a gender disconnect, though, that for men, like, I would do it every night.

Every night? So you like it at night? Yeah. I mean, I would do it in the morning, too. Rachel? It was an option. What? Do I like it at night or in the morning?

Yeah. move to your daughter. Why you guys? What? I always have more... Yeah. Well, I always have more energy in the morning than going to bed at night, but I can be enticed. I mean, we've had young kids for so long, too, that morning's not an option.

Yeah. Oh, interesting. How do you guys make it happen in the morning? Is it before the kids wake up? No. Like, on the weekends, they're on their eyewitness. They're on their iPad. And you just sneak away and lock the door?

Last night, my mom was there. His dad was there. Both kids are up. And he asks me to meet him in the other room. And I did. Good for you. I think there's a disconnect, though, because I think most men are willing to do it and are happy to do it.

Right. And then when that is not reciprocated from the partner, It's hard for us to process that like, oh, I'm willing to do it whenever. Why aren't they? Right. There's something totally different happening when a female doesn't want to. What do you mean? What's different?

I don't know. Sometimes she's just not in the mood. Right. Guys don't understand that. I could get in the mood very easily. Right. Unless I'm like food poisoning. I've had a guy who like wouldn't be a.

the mood and I always thought that was a red flag. I don't know if it's a red role or a control thing. Do you think that's true or do you think that's true? I've never once in my 10 years of marriage or relationship asked Jeff to have sex or initiated it and him say I'm not in the mood. Right. Yeah, that's the norm for sure. Like whatever it is, that's never happening.

I think it's like, could be like a control thing with someone who's like just, you know, kind of. in our mind. I think for a man though, it's hard for him to understand that that's not how women are thinking too, that like they don't want to. If they love me, they just get in like, they'll get in the mood.

They'll think like, oh, you're not attracted to me or it's a chore or whatever. But sometimes don't you think it is? Like, I mean, not a chore, but like sometimes you're doing it for the other person.

I definitely have done it for the other person. But I think that's a female thing. Yeah. I think that there are times where it's like you're tired or you've got a bunch of stuff to do. You've got kids, whatever. But you're going to do it. But as a guy, like, I don't think I get, I've told Natalie like, wake me up if you want. Yeah.

Yeah. Ready to go. Ready to go. Ready and rare. See, I had this thing for so long that I never said no. never said no. And lately, I've pulled the no card a few times. Oh, I bet that has a negative effect.

Yeah, he's like... I bet he doesn't like... He's like, you can't say anymore that you've never said no. Because it'll be like, well, I just like got in a car accident or like, you know what I mean? Like my mom's in the hospital. Like, I'm not like really feeling sexy. But for many, many, many years, I never said no. I bet you switching that?

has done something. Well, yeah, is this is always at his disposal? What do you mean? Yeah, it was. She would never say no. And now if you've said no, that's probably triggered something in him.

Yeah, it probably makes him think that you're unattracted to him or you don't want to have sex with him. He knows that she's attracted. I know, but it's going to be happening subconsciously of like what's different now. I think this is probably Jeff's favorite podcast because we talk about Jeff so much.

He stopped listening to us. He did? Yeah. Because he got mad. I don't know why he stopped, but he stopped. You should let him not to listen to this. He did. He's probably going to listen because it's Chelsea Heunler, to be honest.

Yeah, he loves comedian. Like he loves, like this is, yeah. Loves strong, powerful women. He sure does, can't you tell? Uh-huh. But women that will never say no. I bet Chelsea loves that. Oh.

Holy goodness. What about you? Would you say no? No. Ever. You would never say no? Now, it's harder for me because, like, I'm in, like, the dating pool. Like, I'm not in a long term.

I'm trying to remember in the, like, long term. Your stakes are also higher. I don't think I ever said no. Your stakes are higher, too, when you're in the dating phase. Like, you're going to... Like, impress dude? Pull out all the stops? What do you mean?

Yeah. You're trying to impress. You're trying to trap a motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. Venus flytrap that shit. No. You wouldn't say no to anything?

She wouldn't. She would be like, I would try to be, but here's the thing is that he wasn't like, I think because he started working out more, his testosterone is higher, so his appetite is higher, you know? But before, it was like a rational amount of requests, you know? So I was just like always, I kind of had a thing with myself. Like, I've heard a lot of marriages and a lot of relationships that when that goes south, like the relationship kind of tends to suffer. And it's always just kind of been a thing that I'm like that deserves. Not like I was doing it out of fear, but also like I think that deserves attention and maintenance.

You know? And I think if you start being like, no, I'm tired or I'm full or me. that like would you say no first day of period? I'll say it's my first day of a period but you'd still, I try not to have sex the first day in my period, but yeah. Does Natalie say no a lot or no? Yeah.

Oh, she does. Is every time initiated with a question of like, do you want to have sex? Yeah. I feel like in this day and age, yeah. She does not like that. She doesn't like it being like asked.

I'm fine with it being asked. That doesn't bother me. To have sex? Yeah, and I also ask. I don't like to be asked to like be kissed, which. Oh, no, that's different. I know, but that goes against this whole new like consent thing. You know, that's like a weird, tricky thing because like the consent thing is like.

I think all of this is prefaced with this is happening in a consensual relationship where. Okay. Well, I can't be. this conversation. Both partners are because you've never been in a consensual sexual relationship. Is that you're saying? No, but this is very relationship based. So,

it's not my world right now. What was the frequency in your healthiest relationship? Like, after a while, probably like three times is like the most frequent. I don't know. I have no memory, you guys. I don't know. Wait, so Natalie doesn't

want you to ask. So you have to like come on to her? Like you have to seduce her. I mean, there's like a time of the night where it's going to happen or not going to happen right before bed. But you can't ask. So you have to like reach over to her and she'll swat you away or... I'll ask sometimes still. Right. Okay. She wants you to just like go for it if you're going to go for it. Pretty much. Yeah. I get that. I told you if I see Jeff brushing his teeth. Yeah, you know that's the sign. Like if it's not at a regular teeth brushing time. I know the sign. They used to stay with me when they're. And they lived up north.

And like literally I would see like Jeff like walkies on the bathroom with like, yeah, like brushing his teeth. And then Olivia disappears for like a minute. The kids are just out in the living room. I'm that, you know, and I'm like, well. It's true. I'm in it. Yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes you've got to like get it in. Get it out. Get on. Yeah. But I know different times that happened when we're staying here. And I'd be like, babe, we can't like Rachel's out there. And he'd be like Rachel would be in full support of this. And I was.

I know. And I would know and I would keep the kids distracted. Yeah. He would say, he'd be like, you could go tell her. Yeah. And she'd be fine with this. Of course. I'm like, but you don't want to go, like, tell someone like, hey, I'm going to go have sex in the other room.

I've had many friends have sex in my guest room. Yeah, I know. Yeah, but last night was awkward because Shepard came looking for me. Oh, no. And my mom's like, Olivia, Shepard's looking for you. Where were you guys? In the kids room. What?

Yeah. You can lock the door. Because you can lock a door and no one would think we're in there. And that when you get caught in there, what's your explanation? We were fucking. No, it's just like, there's the... There's your clothes, Shepard. Oh, my gosh.

There they are. Yeah. I mean, have you ever done it during the day while the kids are, like, around? Or napping only, right? Napping and maybe if Calvin's like off watching TV. Right. Otherwise, it's at night only, in bed, like pretty traditional. On the kitchen counter.

You're in bed, but you get up and you go to the kitchen counter. Yeah. Yeah, you know, yeah. I used to have to like go in the other room and like send a picture from the bed. bedroom of like something you know. Or what? What do he mean? Like wearing laundry?

No, I just mean like, okay, and then they'd have to come to meet me. Yeah. Watching TV and you just leave. What do you mean you'd have to? Sorry, that was phrased poorly. I was kept as a slut. I was phrased poorly. Jeff does not like it when I say I'm his sex slave.

Well, I understand that. Would he like it, though, if you went in the other room and, like, took, like, a naughty picture? Would he like it? Yeah, I'm sure he would love that. Out of his mind thrilled. Oh, okay. Well, you guys were like, what are you talking about? Here's the thing.

I'm, like, putting the lunches in the backpack. I get it. I am not, like, going in. I did this when I had, like, a baby. You should try this at night while the kids are asleep and you got time. I fall asleep with them. Yeah, it's a thing, for sure. That's the only time we get, though.

Right. we just make time other times So wait, you'd go in the other room And send a picture and that would be The alert That would be the invite Would they do the same if they were in the mood? I don't think so

I don't know Not in the same house You're acting like it's crazy What you're doing that I don't know I think it's different I don't know Maybe for a guy to like go in

Well maybe not I don't know Every guest we've asked about unsolicited dickpicks is not a fan. Not a fan. In the relationship with the person, though, nobody wants a dick. Yeah, no, I don't think anyone wants to. I don't think anyone wants, like, a cold dick pick, like, coming through. I don't think Natalie would appreciate it. Yeah, that's fair.

That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. I would be wigged out if Jeff just, like, told, sent me a dick pick. I would be like, oh, you're going. Sorry wrong text. Yeah. I'd be like, oh, you're going through like a midlife crisis or something.

Oh, with a dick pick? You know what he mean? Like, what are you doing? Yeah. Uh-uh. You should try that with Jeff. Send him an unsolicited dick pick. Not an unsolicited dick pick.

Dude, try the Rachel. Oh, my God. You should do that one time. He would love it. Rachel, can you send me pictures of you? My head is cut off and all of them. See if he notices. And then you guys can contact Natalie and tell her to try it on me.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. Natalie would be like, fuck you guys. Wait, imagine. I bet I could almost know. What? Use my picture?

Yeah. There are some that you probably could. Yeah. He'd be like, what's up? What's up? Oh my gosh, this is funny. I use your vagina pictures. You got enough on your phone?

He probably doesn't want to see that. He's a doctor. He's like, I've seen too many vaginas in my days. Too many is a doctor. You would think he would maybe be observant enough to tell the difference. Oh, he would know the difference. He knows Olivia's vagina inside and now. Doctors are very, very introspective. I don't know what. No, but he's technical.

And on that note. On that note, thanks for listening. Come back again next week. That was a headgum podcast.