Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Derek Waters

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Derek Waters of Drunk History is this week’s guest. Derek, Olivia and Rachel discuss sex in public, the dark within comedians, and Derek and Olivia struggling in school. Derek also talks about good and bad dog names, wanting to be a baseball player growing up, his family “de-breathing” a cat and much more.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast on HBO Max, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Broad Ideas.

He joined in for the chorus. Rob, thank you for joining me. The chorus, Olivia. You're welcome. Thank you for not. Super dope person, friend of mine is on today. Derek Waters. I was an am, a huge, huge fan of drunk history.

Me too. It's the... Me too. only way I really like to learn about history because it's... It was when you're drunk. It is when I'm drunk. Watching that show, it's very informative and very fun. And I loved the show.

And I was like, I want to be on drunk history. And lucky for me, Derek. You're famous and you can reach out to anyone. Yeah, you can just do that. I didn't. I don't think I reached it. Or maybe I asked, I don't remember how it went down. I'm sure I had someone ask.

And Derek put me in drunk history. I actually did two episodes that were really fun. One was the cop sisters, first cops, and then the second was League of Their Own with Vanessa Hudgens. The first one was with Elizabeth Olson. And it was so much fun, and I love the show. And I love Derek. He is one of the greatest humans, hilarious.

And he also is neighbors with my brother. Little known fact. So I was so excited that he was willing to come on our show, not only come on our show, but he has actually listened to our show. And he loves our theme song. Hi, Derek. Hi, Derek. Hi, Derek.

We know you're listening. We miss you. We miss you. Come back. Wear shorts. So without further ado, let's talk to Derek. Sometimes when the weekend side of Rachel's little brain, all these thoughts are swirling, round and round inside. To join us on this journey.

We'll talk about dogs and kids and things We'll talk about chicks and tampon strings We'll talk about boys that a need Because people die Very stuffy I'm gonna take one more swing And I won't make that noise again You too do it

I haven't done podcast since the 80s So I might be a little nervous Have you done a podcast? No It's my first time Oh made one never But I've been on them Yeah.

Yeah. But that was a long time ago. Was it? You have a really good voice for it. Thank you. Have you guys, I know you've learned a lot doing this, but have you learned two things real quick? Yeah.

How many people love the sound of their own voice while at the same time cannot pick up social cues on when the interview is over? That's a great question. Oh, I listened. And that's why I bring it up, because I've heard a couple that I can tell you're trying to end it. Well, I'm not going to say their names. We can cut it out.

Do you know who did the best ending for our podcast was Bobby Lee? Because he just ended it for us. He's like, we're done here, right? He's like, yeah, we've been going an hour, right? He's great. I love him so much. Yeah, he's hilarious. I don't know if I think people love the sound of their own voice.

Some people love to talk. Yeah. Wouldn't you say? More than others? More than others, for sure. You know who doesn't like to talk that much? Hmm. Rachel.

Really? What? Do I not? You're picky. She's picky on who she likes to talk to. Oh, that's the truth. I am quieter on some than others. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. I see that. I'm not talking today. I think you're naturally, like, shy, but then you open up, which, I'm pretty open. Oh, you're definitely open, but I'm saying like, you have a good, like,

not shield sounds negative, but like, you got to get through it to, like, in a positive way. That's true. You never gave me an attitude, but, like, when I first met you, I thought you were shy. But, you know. You thought I was shy? Really? Yeah. I feel like I'm shy until I can trust the person.

Really? I don't know. You know, Derek and I went to breakfast recently. What did you get? I got a breakfast cassidia. What Derek got? Derek got eggs and fruit. Eggs and fruit.

No toast. I felt very guilty about not finishing my fruit. So I asked for it to go box and then took it home and put it in the recycle bin like a good boy. Good boy. You didn't throw it away there. No, yeah, exactly. I feel like disrespect. But we got to give shout out to Magnolia Grill.

That's right. Great place. OG. where you said again? Olivia We go there all the time. Magidolia grill. Yeah.

I like it there a lot. You don't know where you are. It feels like you're in a little small town. Yeah. Yeah. Her mom lives in that hood too. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So Derek lives on the same street as my brother. I won't say where. Don't worry. What's it address? It sounds like living on an edge. Yep. It does sound like that. It does sound like that.

It's a great street. And when I first moved there, I casually liked Halloween, but I wasn't a big fan of it. But now, like, I started decorating last night. You did? Every year, I run out of candy every year. Yeah. It's so. It's a very popular neighborhood for trick-or-treaters.

Yes. And it's just nice that we know where we live in other parts of America that you're able to decorate because it's that thing we all want. Like, oh, we're a community. And these are small little things that. you can feel like you are. But last year, when I ran out, I left the bowl that had the candy. You know, it was an empty bowl on a picnic table.

And I have a pirate ship. I have all this stuff going on. And when I came back, the bowl was gone. What? I don't want to brag, but I have security cameras. And I watched this young lady walk in, and she was like, you know, it doesn't have sound. please, if you're going to try to break in, know that there's no sound. But she was very excited.

She was pointing at the pirate ship. And then she, like, looked at the bowl like, what an asshole. He didn't leave any. And she just took the bull. So. Was this adult woman? I would say adult. Yeah, from my security camera footage.

Yes, she looked, I would say, between the ages of 21. and 25. We're still looking for her. It's been almost a year now. Uh-oh. That happened actually at my mom's house. So my mom also is in the same hood. Yeah.

Someone stole her bowl. And my brother, I feel like that's common. I guess it is. I didn't think about this before. Why a bowl? Like, guys, I got it. Someone who needs it, maybe.

Or just making a statement. Well, let's look at it like that. I'm just saying like, maybe there's soup in that bowl now. You know, like nobody. just going to steal a bowl that doesn't need it, right? Right. It would be the difference between somebody stealing and breaking it. Right.

Like, you steal it. Like, I remember a place where I used to live in an apartment, not too far from there, but I lived right next to a dumpster, not to brag, like in the apartment. Humble brag. Thank you. And sometimes it was used for people using the restroom. Oh. And someone did it both one and two on there.

And my dad said, we'll never forget, like someone always has it worse than you. Right. I still have shit all over my God. Wait, what? Sorry, I got distracted. She got distracted because he's candy got here.

Oh, get your candy. Get your candy. No, I'm just to see it. Trick or candy. He was saying someone used to go do tea. Yeah, in the bathroom, in the dumpster. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. And that was your. Yeah. Yeah. This is my. These are things that have shaped him. At one time I was leaving for work early in the morning, and I was pulling out and pulling my car out. And just before I was about to pull out, I noticed that two people were having sex in front of my...

Thumbster? A toy out of forerunner, 2003, Forerunner Special Dish. And I just felt the need to say something. And I said, hey, I... I don't want to interrupt, but I just want to like, you know, I'm about to turn on the car. And she said, we're not bothering you. And I said, no, I know you're not. I just didn't want to startle you.

And I pulled my car out. And out of those one out. They continued to do the merry thing and pulled back to reveal a man with sunglasses in a beach chair just watching. What? Yeah. Was this in the valley? Were you living in the valley? I was on Vineland and Ventura, right behind that show station.

Yeah. The valley can be a little gritty. Well, yeah, there's parts. There's like there's the field of dreams and then once you step over, it's like, it really changes. The field of other kind of dreams. Yes, yes. So not only were people having sex in front of your car, there were spectators. But were they having sex in another car just like out on, just like on like the streets?

Yeah, you know how like apartment complexes a lot of like have a storage above the parking. spots. There's like a little area. So they were in the area. Their own cubby hole. And I was, yeah. Anyway, that's not a great story. No, no, no. But it brings up a great question. It really does. Have you ever not been able to wait that long?

Mm-hmm. Oh, oh, sex. I thought, no. No. No. Have you ever been like, it has to happen right here right now in this parking garage? That's never happened to me. Mm-mm. Haven't? I'm trying to think.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone said this has to happen right now? But because of where you were, it didn't feel appropriate. Oh, of course. Wednesday. Sure. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I would not be the one to be like, let's go in this cubby in public. Yeah, exactly. Go for it. Right. I've always had a little bit more patience than that.

I think. That's good. Yeah. You think it's a male-female thing? I do. Or a person thing. But you would know better than us on that one. How dare you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I did it again. No. No, I would say you're right, but I think it's also a control thing. Oh. That would be my psychology guess. Well, now we're getting somewhere. Would be control of let me see if you can do it here.

Have you done that? No. No. Never. Oh, my dear Lord. Heaven's the best team. I don't know. Never been a public place person.

Yeah, I think it's a thing. Would you name more comfortable going to the bathroom in public or doing it? What do you mean? Are you like a basement in a cave? No, in a bath, no, maybe making it out in a bathroom. No, I mean going pee or like would you, would you? Wait, were we talking about when you really have to go to the bathroom? You can't hold it or you really need to.

damn sex. When you really need... I thought you meant going to the bathroom. No, I meant at first, have you ever not been able to wait that long that you have to like bone in the garage, right? No. Did you think I really meant that? Yes, I was like all the time.

What do you need? No. Okay, sorry. I meant have you ever like not been able to take it and you had to have sex openly in a garage area I said no. I know. I'm lost. Did you get a strong there?

I don't know. No. Abort. Abort. Oh my God. I totally thought you meant like just popping a squat. Okay. I meant would you be more comfortable popping a squat or pop in a thingy?

But I don't, I don't pee easily. Like I get like the nervous pee, you know? Like if you have to go really bad or if someone's like there and like they're waiting for you like I was in Ethiopia and you had to pee in a hole in the ground. And there was a long line of us waiting. And I couldn't, I felt the pressure. So I couldn't, even though I had to go really bad, it just took too long and it didn't happen. So I just held it.

But that's issues. That's like deep rooted issues. Well, I mean, it starts with peeing in a hole. You know, I would start there that that's never something. Maybe I wasn't an Ethiopia, but I was in Africa. Yes. I did that in Morocco. Yes.

You peed in a hole? Yes. Okay. But you did that easily. I don't think. Well, guys always pee in a hole. Sure. Or out of a hole.

Right. Thank you. But yeah, no. I think pooping in a hole wasn't as sad as turning a hose on and wetting your hand because there's no toilet paper. Oh, my. I didn't experience that. I don't think. You're on your own there.

I was 16 when I was there. And there was no toilet paper? Well, they don't have it. So you, so you, that's why you don't shake with your left hand. That's your wiping hand. So you hose it off with your hand. And I'm a left hander and they say like, being left hand,

it's like disrespectful in a lot of countries because that's the hand you wipe with. Wow. All right. Enough of this poop. I do have one quick question on that. So if you get a hose and you can wash your hand off, Why can't you just like use the hose to wash your bum instead of using your hand? The hose probably isn't by the...

Yeah. You have to like walk. No. It was like if I, I mean, I just remember this white... What's the geography? I'm trying to, yeah. It was like a white squat hole. And then there was, it was like a spigot.

Like next to it. It was not like a... You couldn't like take it and just hose it down. No, it wasn't a hose. There wasn't portable because yes. Yeah. Why were you in Morocco at 16? I was bored.

I just wanted, I don't know. I just spur of the moment. I went with my Spanish class. My grandparents are so sweet. Like my mom and dad travel, but my father's claustrophobic, so we would only travel by RV. Oh, yeah, you told me that. Your dad's never been on an airplane. Never been on an airplane, ever.

Isn't that crazy? Wow. I get it. So my grandparents were very encouraging of me traveling, and so my Spanish class had a trip that was Madrid to Africa and so I took it and yeah yeah I was I still don't know Spanish and I should have going over there but went on a trip for it I knew how to point I knew had to wipe with you show us point point for I like that I think maybe this one maybe that oh my god you Derek I was watching I think yesterday I was catching up on Bachelor in Paradise

You know it. You know of it, right? I know of it. They did a thing in it where it was like a direct copy out of drunk history where, I mean, yes, they're acting it out and they're telling the story. Someone's telling the story and then they acted out. But even the way they shot it and everything else, I was like, motherfuckers. I feel like there's something. They were moving their lips to the reenactment? She's like, I feel like I could trigger you with that right now.

Is that triggering for you? We just really like to make people cry. Very much, though. I couldn't believe it, though. I was like, I was upset. But I mean. Or is it flattery? Maybe.

I don't know. If I was working, it would be flattery. But no, I would like to see it. I think that's neat when people do it. Yeah. Now it's in different countries. If you saw it, you'd be like that is, like, just even the way they did it. Yeah, there have been some shows that have done it.

The things that bother me that when they do, it's more like, oh, you lit it the same way. Oh, you use the same music. It's like, I didn't come up with the idea of reenactments. Right, right. The style is. Yeah. But, you know, look, we're only here for a little while if you're going to leave something behind that people are doing. It's pretty cool. Yeah. Super successful. It's not such a bad thing. Guess I'll watch The Bachelor. I know, Bachelor in Paradise. I think it was Monday Night's episode. Do you watch that? I did, but I haven't, I haven't watched it because I, much like candy that you're about to offer me. I always say I don't need candy because once I start, I don't stop.

And those reality shows are real good at getting me in. They're real good hookline sinker. I know. And I fall for it every time. Me too. Editing, the power of editing. That would actually be a good idea to do that. Like, reenact the Bachelor in regular settings or in the past.

You know what show they did? Do you remember that show they did that was like a mock, like a mock of the Bachelor? What was it? Do you remember it? Um, what was that? I'm, it was, um, I think I know what you're talking about, but I can't think of it. Yeah, I can't think of it either. Whatever. Oh, Casey Wilson is on it. I can't think of the name of the show.

It was funny, but that was an actual, like, mockumentary of it. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And that world, that world's real bums me out because it, look, I'm going to talk about reality shows for a second of like, when I can watch one, 90-day fiancé is one that I can. I haven't watched a while, but when I did and when I will again, why I enjoy that one is because you are watching two pieces of human garbage, like in the name of the thing that we all want and need, love, and doing it for the wrong reasons. Like, Bachelor breaks my heart because there's a lot of people that want love and there's a lot of people that struggle with that. And then it's kind of mocked.

But with 90-day fiancé, I'm fine watching you both fail. because one is doing it to get in and one's doing it to just get late, you know, like... Did you do the love as blind thing? Oh, no, I haven't watched that one. Okay. We won't touch that then. Is that in the same vein of Bachelor, or would you think it's like, oh, it's fun watching? It's an experiment where you don't see the person, but you have to commit to the person before you connect, physically see them.

Like, you're just meeting them behind a wall, essentially. One of blind people going to start canceling things like that? like that. It's like, yeah, that's my life. Yeah. Not funny. Yeah. But wait a minute. Like, what kind of commitment are we talking about? They get engaged. But that's so, like, no, they didn't.

No, they don't. Right? Do they? That's what I'm saying. Like, I mean, I don't know. There's some successful. What show or what premise? Yeah.

I don't be more specific. Like, of all those shows that you would be willing to try if you weren't. Like, go on. as a contestant? Yeah, just like, oh, that seems like fun or that one feels like my vibe that does, do any of them feel like something? Survivor? Yeah. No, totally kidding.

I would fucking die. Amazing race. You would do amazing race. I don't sure. I am super competitive. So I would be like, I'm going on the bachelor because I want to win. Like, that's my mentality because I'm psycho. I would never want to be on it.

Well, I mean, just in that, that's a little. Have you ever lost a friend after like playing a board game? No, but I'm pretty competitive in board games, huh? You are, but you don't remember that I'm actually good at board games too. We just had this fight the other day. We've been best friends for 25 plus years. I love that. Yeah, and she's like, but you don't like games.

And I was like, you don't, it's like you don't even know me. I master board games and she's really competitive. I am. You get salty if you lose. Yeah, ish. I don't, you know, burn the house down, but I, like, don't, you know, I am pretty competitive. She throws shade. She'll just, like, icy for the rest of the night.

I'll fight things. I'll definitely. Yeah. I have seen character change when people play games. I'm always like, when, like, I first moved out here and people were like, you want to play running charades? No, I don't want to play running charades. Like, with people I know, of course. But with people I don't know, it's like, I don't want to watch you do your Sylvester. just a lone impression.

And like all these people just doing impressions and like actors doing charades just makes me very like, you were just playing with actors and they were all doing. Yeah. Yeah. Do a comedy got people and like, and that's always a disaster. But games should be played with people that know each other. I think it's a hard thing because like you should be competitive. You should want to win.

But if you don't know the person, like, Rachel, it's scary me. With all the actors, would it get like showy? Like they're just taking their moment. Like, I just remember feeling uncomfortable. Like, I love what I do, but I never like to like talk. Not talk about it, but like, I don't know. I just like performers that are always on. That's the thing of like the big.

We were just talking about that. It's, it's, what's the opposite of intoxic? I mean, I guess it is intoxicating because it's. It's embarrassing for them. But it's, it's, it's, it's embarrassing for them. it's not for them. You feel they're fine. They're fine.

They go home going like, I killed. Yeah. And we're like, no, you killed me listening to you. Yeah. Yeah. But I think everything, we all know this, is out of insecurity. But how you go about your insecurity is who defines, I think, who you are. And if like you're always on, on, on, you're funny, but you're avoiding something, which is,

hey, look out there. Right. There's a. You keep dropping these fucking, you know, nuggets of knowledge. Nudders. Do you believe that that's true with funny people that they're always avoiding something? Or do you think people can just be born into it, raised into it? I mean, I think everyone's avoiding something in some way.

No, that's the thing. Yeah. Like, we're all trying to find things that take our minds off in the inevitable. But with comedy, I think it's so hard. I always think about it. Like, never to go like, oh, that's what a comedian does or that's like that type of person. But I think overall, yes, they're insecure. Most of them are.

So you think there's truth to the whole, like, there's always a dark, you know, side to a comedian. Someone can't always be happy. And I don't think you, I mean. oh, you're sad. It's like, no, just be real. You know what I mean? Like in real and happy can go side to side. But yeah, there's, yeah.

Yeah, there's, I don't want to be the spokesperson for a comedy. But yes, I do think there's some truth to. And look, let's look at it as a healing thing that there's some people that have been through some dark shit. And this does heal them. You know, it gets them out of being in that dark place if it actually does get them out of it. I feel like what I know of you, though, you have like a very loving, amazing family, upbringing. Like, I don't know. So where does your torture come from?

Oh, man. Well, I don't know, but it reminds me that, yeah, my parents have been married for 52 years, Bragg, and an older brother. And I remember when I first moved out here, I was doing something with Bob Oden Kirk. And I said, you know, I, I have. a really good childhood. Like, I really like, I love my parents and, like, it feels like everyone we work with, like, have some dark secret. And Bob said, well, just because you liked your childhood doesn't mean you had a good one.

And I didn't realize what that meant until years later of like, oh, right, yeah, yeah, why do you run? You know? Right. Why don't you? Well, but, yeah, it's, where does my darkness and everything? Well, this is a thing that happened to me six months. I'll probably text you to take it out. But I'm always honest.

And this recently, I'm probably six months ago where I've been writing this show and it takes place in 97. And I was thinking, it's like, man, why am I so gravitated towards 97? And I started thinking about it. I was like, all right, my hero Chris Farley died. My favorite grandmother died. No offense to you, Roseanne up there. And then I had the best high school girl. friend, a friend died of heroin overdose. There are all these things that happened. I was 16 and I asked

my mom and I was like, do you remember if there's anything else that happened in 97 and she goes, oh my God, you don't remember? And I said, what? And she said, that's the year that I had my nervous breakdown and I wouldn't leave my room. And I completely blocked that out, you know, that I really don't, I do remember it when she said it. But, you know, all the years, said like, oh, I left when Chris Farley died because I wanted, I knew I wanted to pursue comedy, but I think it's to make, you know, my mom laugh. And that was like, you know, guys and their moms. But for real, it's like, I think, like, obviously I already wanted to do comedy and stuff, but I think that was a trigger to make my mom happy. You know what I mean?

Oh, wow. But I wouldn't say torture. I was never torture. Never torture. Yeah. But I feel like oftentimes, you don't need some defining moment to be tortured as a human. I think the human condition is a little torturous. Something makes you, something, I mean, everything with, you know, watching what your kids like will repeat and what they remember. It's like we remember everything, but some things really make us who we are. And I think to live the best life is making it a positive, you know.

And is your mom still around? Oh, yes, yes. They've been married. 52 years. Yeah, she was just out here to visit. She was out here? She can fly. She can fly.

But my dad can't. But you were back there recently too. My dad has driven out here three times and he has glaucomo. So he drives a one eye. Oh, that's safe. The doctor said it was fine, Derek. That's great. I get to see the other side of the country on the way home.

Great, Dad. Are they funny? They're very funny. My mom's dad was really funny, like my favorite kind of like dark, like, but always like just the nicest, funniest, like, just I love him so much. And yeah, he, yeah, he's the one that I always think about, like, humor-wise, you know what I mean? Yeah, but your dad sounds funny. My dad's name was Burns Hargett Waters, the third. Burns. Burns. You kind of got to be funny. Yeah. But here's the thing I just was talking to him about it.

I was like his dad obviously was Burns and his father was Burns. And they all went by Bob. They know one of them went by Burns. Like that's why? Also, I want to have a kid named Burns. I just think that's a cool name. Yeah. But not with the middle name, Hargett.

Why Hargett? You got to do it. Harget. Yeah. I don't know. Harget is a hard. That's a hard one. I don't know.

It's like Target with an H. Do you want kids? I do. I don't really have a saying it, but I do. Yeah, yeah. I'm a party of one. Because you can't carry the child? Yes, I had these Girl Scout cookies that.

I was saying, did you eat those? I can't read, but I love Girl Scouts and somebody read to me. And no, I mean, yes, I guess I, yeah. Well, being a party of one, you're like, I would like to have kids. but I'm 43, you know, so. But you think it's, you're too old? No. I'm just saying, I don't have someone who's like, we're thinking about it.

Yeah. Yeah. And also the we thing, I'm not into the we. You're not a fan of we. We got pregnant. I don't like. Oh. Oh, I don't think anyone should ever say that.

We were pregnant. We got, I guess we got pregnant. No. No. She did. Right. Yeah. I agree.

I agree with that. I would like to meet someone. that disagrees. Do you disagree? I have heard it. When my wife was pregnant, we were pregnant. Oh, we were? No, it's right.

We had a C-section. Oh, no, you don't. No, we didn't. I did. Yeah, you're like, no, you did not push a baby out of your vagina. It was hard on both of us. Wasn't 97? So you're 79.

Mm-hmm. Wow. Same. You're good. Yeah. She's 79. I'm 79. Wouldn't that have meant we graduated high school in 97?

And wasn't that the OJ trial, too? That was. I got held back. So that's what it was for you was the OJ trial. You got held back? I got held back. Why? Well, my mom, I just thought it would be cool for you to be the oldest one in your class.

I don't know if that's true. That's a good story, though. She held me back in preschool and my brother as well. And there were a couple other kids that their parents did that as well. But I guess it was cool that I was the first one to drive in my class. But I graduated in 98. Oh, okay. But.

And then you had dyslexia and stuff too, right? Yeah. So did you? Yeah. Sorry. That made me a little emotional when I read that because you had, well, I have dyslexia. That's not why I made me emotional. Oh.

But because it said that you went to special school and all of that. I didn't. I don't know who told you that. It's a lie. She cried. I cried. It wasn't even true. You'll cry more when I tell you the real school.

Well, you know, don't forget the word is special and it's and it's true and i um you know also it was never diagnosed with stuff i was just in slow classes so like and i would always defend the classes and when friends would pick on me about like no they're just for people that don't want to go to college and then one day i went to my math class this is why i was impressed with your 79 knowing what was it uh your numbers were fast that uh My math class was called Consumer Math. And my other one was Math Connections.

And in Math Connections, as a senior in high school, I sat at a table that had a phone book. And the teacher said, if you wanted to order pizza, how would you do this? Oh, wow. So, yeah, I knew what kind of classes I was in them. But I do know how to own a pizza. I love. I'm lactose intolerant. Why would I order pizza, sir? I feel like we're unraveling a lot here. Yeah. I know. Thank you.

I look. When, when, what's your name, Rachel? When Rachel said, hey, we just talking about how broads have ideas, I was like, I'm into this. Yeah. So I'm ready. Yeah. Was that the pitch? Yeah, that was the pitch. No, broads of crazy ideas.

So you were in special. Were you? I know, same as you. It was undiagnosed. It was undiagnosed and I was always slow, but they never really kind of put their finger on what was going on. When did you realize it? I always knew. I would fake getting out of things all the time.

Like I'd get stomach aches. If they were like, you have to read this out loud, I would start panicking and like pretend to be sick and leave. And, you know, I remember my mom would always be like, Olivia just has a really hard time. And I remember kind of buying into that and then growing up and being like, wait a minute, maybe I didn't. Maybe I just wasn't taught the way I was supposed to learn. Right. Right. Well, yeah, it's very individual, like individualized, like learning and teaching.

And it should be more, but it was always like a mass kind of curriculum. So it's, I don't know. I mean, I don't really know because like I knew how to read. Oh, Brad. My thing about comedy, that was my thing was like, if I could make them laugh, they wouldn't call me dumb. Well, they wouldn't think I was dumb. You know what I mean? But I also remember this is recent, was like, I didn't talk until I was three.

And my sister-in-law said to my mom, did you ever like think something was wrong with Derek and you would want to take him somewhere if he wasn't talking to those three? you know, I thought about it and then I realized, Derek will be fine. So you can look at two sides of that. Yeah. But I'm glad. I mean, that that was how she thought, like, I would be fine. Do you have a sibling? I have two.

Okay. Or are you the youngest? Yeah. Did you talk? I was slow to talk. Like, my son now is three and a half and is still not talking, but we know there's something up with him. Does he have a sibling? Sorry.

He has an older sibling. I think there's something there. If you have an older sibling, they're doing it for you. They do it all for you. Like, if you don't have to talk, why would you? That's how you. That's how I've thought about it. And other friends I know that didn't talk to their later, like have older siblings.

Yeah. It would make some sense that. But I think there's something about your mom's attitude that helps the situation. 100%. Like for me, I go to the opposite. And I'm like, there's something wrong. And we found out there is, right? But besides that, there's a whole different way of being that's like,

it's going to affect. That's going to affect him if I stick to that story. But if I go to your mom's story, that he's going to be fine. Well, then she's going to parent you as such, right? And hold you to a certain standard and believe in you and push you. And that's why you're sitting where you are today. I believe so. No, I would not be here without my mom.

And I think that is that thing of like, when someone says something's wrong with you or labels you as anything, you are that. You know, a father doesn't talk well to his son. Like, they're going to have a hard time because that's how they feel. You're telling them who they are when they're at that age and when I was told like, you're fine. Like, what about these classes, Mom? I don't know how to tie my shoe. Well, that's why you wear Velcro, Derek.

I do know how to tie my shoes, though. Did you learn recently? Yeah, this morning. over a podcast. No, but that's interesting that you are very similar on that. That's, we're both sitting here because of how we were raised, which is pretty cool. True. Yeah.

Well. Well, no, it's, I hear what you're saying. I don't relate in the same way, but it is all about attitude. My mom raised me with a very, like, you know, have safe sex attitude. So, you know, I just had a lot of safe sex. And you were taught things when you were young, which is awesome. Yes. Right.

So I was ready for the world. Right. No, but it was. It was her attitude towards everything was always like the same kind of thing. Like, you're fine or my mom would be like, you're divinely protected. But it is like, it's not funny. It's true. It's true, though.

And it gave a sense of security. And like, I'd have boyfriends like camping once and we heard a bear. I'm like, it's fine. We're fine. We're divinely protected. And he looked at me. like I was insane. But I'm here today.

Exactly. That bear didn't come near you. That bear didn't come near me. And they sense fear. They do. And you were not given that fear. I sure wasn't. I love that.

That's right. Yeah. You weren't given that fear. I wasn't. I was not given a lot of fear in my brain as a kid, you know? It's awesome. Yeah. All of it was always very probably to a fault in some, to some degree.

But yeah, it was always that. I don't think to a fault. Well, I mean, And recently I told my mom about a school I was taking my kids to and you know what she said. I said it's on the cutest little road, on the country road, whatever, right? She goes, oh, God, I hope there's a lot of fire alarms there. That's the instant fear. Like, just looking for ways to find fear.

Yeah. Well, there are a lot of people that are like that that just instantly go to the fear, the fear-based mind, which is interesting. Yeah. Or is it protective? I don't know. You know, that and maybe it's also... Why were you thinking like, yeah, I was thinking how many fire alarms?

No, he's like, I'm thinking about where your mom, where Olivia's mom's coming from, or your mom, right? That she's like, I just want to remind you that I'm thinking about your child safety as well. But it's all about tone. I'm sure tone was like, run. It was like, it was like, check the fire alarms. Yeah. Like, interesting. It's all perspective.

You have the most endearing eyes. Wow. Yeah. Did you know that? Do people say that? And that's an annoying question. Did you know that? No, I have not.

No, I don't know that. Do you agree? Oh, absolutely. Just so endearing. That's very nice. Yeah, it is nice. But he's such an endearing, like, what I was saying, I was like, you got, Derek is my favorite person.

I know. I mean, you are. You're just, that's why when we're talking about, comedy and like the darkness, whatever, like, you're just, I don't know. There's just like this, this, I don't know, what do you want to call it, warmth, light, you know, that comes along with you. Wherever you go, divine protection. That's very nice.

It's true. Divine protection. If I was in the woods, but I heard a bear. Now you know you're just going to think of what I said and you'll be. Brown, there's like brown on the ground, right? If it's brown, you get on the ground. Do you know this well? Is that a rhyme, a survival rhyme?

Yeah, I feel like if it's brown, you get on the ground and the black attack. Well, I think black is like you make noise. You make like, you scare it. You get big and loud. Either way, I'm not doing that. Yeah. Would you do that? Would you be like, ah?

Like, scream? I don't know. I would just bail. I don't know. Is that? I mean, I'd get eaten by a bear. I don't know. know. I forget what it is. And there's like rhyme for like a snake that's like red or yellow mellow.

Or maybe that's no. If it's a yellow, let it bellow. That's when you pee. Yeah, that's another rhyme. If it's brown, flush it down. Yeah, yeah, that's the one around this house. But there is another one though with a snake. And I don't, my daughter will know it. We can ask her. That's Dominic. Yeah. Oh my God. Yes. He would know. Yeah. It's some of the stripes. It's there stripes. It's stripes. That means. It's poisonous, but I don't know the rhyme. It's not. If there's stripes, there's poisonous. Dood, do da.

You just stick to that. Have you ever gotten close to being bitten by any kind of ferocious animal? I mean, I got, my face was eaten by a beagle. We talked about that. I've been thinking about this. He's on a list for a beagle from Virginia. Oh. I'm not too bright.

And I want to know, how old were you in this? Three. Have you guys ever heard? Like I got attacked by a golden retriever. German Shepherd. Thank you. But what were you doing? I mean.

I'm petting to the dog. I just look. I'm not saying, are we sure the beagle didn't have rabies? I mean, that would probably explain a lot. It really did bite your face. Oh my God, my face completely. I was just petting it. I was three.

My mom said my face was swollen like a blueberry. It was like, it was huge and blue. Not gross. Are you pulling it? No, my friend had two dogs and I was going down the slide and the dogs were like looking up at me and she said, that's the mean one and that's the nice one. She told me the beagle was the nice one. Clearly the friend was an asshole and I was petting the beagle. Which way on the fur were you petting it? Don't go against the grain. You'll be insane. Against the grain, you become insane.

That's the wrong. Yeah. No, and it just, it's can't. It ate my, it's just a tap, brutally, viciously attacked my faith. Do you remember it? I do. I remember what I was wearing. Yeah. At three. What were you wearing? Blue and purple striped sweatsuit. Triggers, triggers. Listen. Those trigger beagles. Fucking loved that track suit. But I don't like beagles ever since that happened to you. Yeah, I know. And I told Derek, because there's like these beagles that were arrest. What is it? They were like. Bigel freedom. The Beagle Freedom Project. I've heard about this.

You have? Wait. What is it? Well, 4,000. Funny you should bring this up. 4,000 Beagles were rescued in a Virginia lab after being tested since the year of 1997. Now, yeah, because Beagles are... 97 really is your year. Thank you. Because he didn't graduate high school then. Yes, I was still learning cursive. But the, no, the Beagles, what was this Beagle's name?

Let's just call him a... Teddy. Okay, so we don't, this is, we're not going to say Teddy is like this beagle. But the majority of Beagles have a reputation. of being the most trusting and allow you to do whatever you want to them, which scientists have taken advantage of and test them for bleaching. They test them for all different kinds of crazy things. And so these great people at the Humane Society,

I always struggle saying that word without saying insane. All right, humane, what's insane got no humane. They took down this lab that was testing 4,000 Beagles, until they started this thing. And I've been watching my friends Beagle for many years. Colton, love you, buddy. I hope you're still out there. Oh, that's right.

Okay. And so I got really attached to this dog. And I, you know, I haven't had a dog since I was a kid, which, all right, here we go. Here's the dark part. This is what I didn't put on my application, but what I will say to you guys is I had a dog when I was six or seven. My parents got a golden retriever named DJ, stood for Derek. My brother's name is Justin, DJ.

Oh, hold on. And he was. He was very cute. And he bit the top of my brother's thumb, so much so that you would never be able to tell by his thumb today. And my parents put him to sleep after a year. And that really fucked me up. But I didn't know that until I'm like, why haven't I gotten a dog?

I love dogs. And I was like, yeah, that's why I haven't gotten a dog. Did he actually, like, attack your father? He was a puppy. I love my parents. but it was a terrible decision. Oh, wow. That's a hard, that's brutal.

Yes. But, yeah, so there it is. There it is. And you haven't had one. So that's why you're funny. Yeah, yeah, I think so. I think it was, thank you, DJ. Thank you.

I appreciate you. And my dad, though, because they really are. It's not like when someone's like, no, this awful person's really great. And I'm like, no, they really are great. Even if they weren't my parents, I'd say that. But I remember asking my dad. dad. I was like, I just, dad was really uncalled for. And he's like, well, it wasn't as bad as Murphy. There's cat or no, his name was Mr. Fogarty, which is a great name.

I was going to say that's a great name. Mr. Fogarty was a great cat. And the neighbor kids found this bird. Again, I know that I do, this is funny, but I, this is not funny, but it's worth telling. But it probably cut it out. But the bird had babies and the bird, uh, had babies and the bird babies fell and these kids saved the bird's eggs and they were so excited they saved these eggs and then the eggs hatched and mr. fogarty ate them and my dad took it to the vet and he loves to say this because it is a funny joke but not funny what he's doing and it's like yeah i remember holding mr fogarty and the person next to me is like you're getting it declawed and my dad is now i'm getting it deep breathed.

Now, also, no, this is a very small community that, like, I think he felt he had to do this because the kids were so excited. He just killed all these birds. And they're like, what am I going to keep this killer cat? So your parents just killed any pet you ever. But they did let me, I remember having hamsters or no gerbils, and they let me bury them in the backyard. I was like, we.

Yeah. What does that mean? Well, I was like, Spike and Jose are dead like, well, you can bury them in your backyard. Okay. How long were they alive? About two days.

No. They're great. My mom has an amazing cat now, Millie. She's got about two more. Do you ever think of paying her back? Oh, my cow. No, no. I really, if my parents came in here for 30 seconds,

you would forget both of those stories. They also got, I don't know. You don't know. It was a bad decision when you think about it. But I'm also like, you don't know. You don't have any money. There's a dog biting and having the worms everywhere. I remember going like, worms?

He's got worms. Why don't you say diarrhea? I don't know. But it's like, DJ just keeps getting worms. Like, so the mixture of worms and biting people and trying to run a household of kids, I don't know. So you put all this on your application for the Beagle.

Yeah. Send. No, what I said, there was a question that I should have lied, which was have you ever, how many animals have you killed? And I said, I just, I said one. I said I had a dog when I was younger, but I've dog sat many.

And I should have been said for years. Are you getting the dog? I'm on a waiting list. There's 4,000 beagles. But are you dead set on a beagle? No. Are you open to dogs? I feel like I've changed your mind.

You've made you, you've made me and think about, okay, well, I couldn't bring old Buster Brown over here if I had a beagle. Yeah, but. I have yet to meet a beagle that could change my mind. Well, I think the dog that I babysit you would like. You do love that dog. Yes. He's a really sweet dog. Could you name him regal?

Riggle Beagle is a great name. That's from Three's Company. I love that, yeah. Right? Wasn't at the bar? Yeah. I always thought Farley would be a good dog. Farley.

That is, but I see a big, like, Yeah. Like, beagles are more like, Regal? They're more regal. Yeah. Well, you know, you know it when you look in their eyes. That's right.

I hear this. When you look in their eyes, you know exactly. Have you ever? met someone who has a really bad dog name. I was just, when I would walk the dog, when I walk, his name is Colton. And when I would walk him, I started realizing, I was like, man, people are so weird with animals. And one time, I was walking him and this guy said, can I pet your dog?

And I said, of course. And so he's petting Colton. He's like, Beagle? Yeah. It's usually arthritis that gets these guys. Hmm That's interesting Take care

Thank you Good to know Did you tell him Diabetes is a silent Killer? I don't know We never saw that man again After I gave him those Girl Scout cookies

We didn't talk I don't think we were recording When you read these Girl Scout cookies Do you want to say the story? The disclaimer Oh Well I was ordering Because Rachel wanted me to

And it came with a warning that said She ordered nuts and chocolate I ordered nuts and chocolate and it said consuming these products can expose you to chemicals in which Oh are they're asking her to read Derek sorry see I'm fucking peeing in my pants

Speak text known in a state of California To cause cancer and birth defects Or other reproductive harm Chocolatty Tasty Mm-hmm good Thanks girls guys Yeah some things you use

don't need to say. Right. But I think. Or maybe you do if it's actually real, right? Right. I don't know. That was kind of arthritis. It's like that's kind of a low blow.

Yeah, it just was inappropriate. Unnecessary. We'll call it. People are weird. I should just stared at them and said, how dare you? How dare you talk to my dog like that? Wait, but what does that have to do with meeting people with weird dog names? No, I was just thinking about meeting people with dogs.

I didn't have a good like, oh, this was it. It was like, oh, what kind of dog is it? It's a rescue. Like, oh, that's cool. What kind of dog? What kind of dog? He was about to die. Had two minutes.

I'm so sorry. That's great. What kind of dog is it? I think I have an embarrassing dog name. Not for me, but my son named our dog's strawberry. So like when my dog, like, that's a great name. I think so, too. Why are you embarrassed about it?

I'm not when I'm like, Strawberry, come here. I think it's a little funny when my husband's like, strawberry, get over here. You know, it's just a little. What did you do, strawberry? Yeah. But everyone says, when we say it, I know if people are cool or not, let's see if you guys get it. When I say, they say what's the name?

I say strawberry, and they go strawberry, strawberry. Why? What? You guys don't know it. Strawberry, strawberry. Pudding in pie? The neighborhood hoe from end of the end of it. W.A.

Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah. And your son loves NWA. Wow. Her seven-year-old son. Is that where he can? Big into easy.

He did a Daryl Strawberry. Strawberry wine. Daryl Strawberry was huge when I was a kid. Yeah. Loved Daryl Straw. Oh, yeah. He was a Dodger. Yeah.

And Strawberry is a great name. Mm-hmm. She should never be embarrassed about that. No, it's fine. I feel bad. My daughter named our dog Gertie. Gertrude. That's great.

Gertrude. Was it from E. No. She has not seen them. When will she? Never. I named my son after that. You did name your son.

Elliot? Yep. Like, wherever you're like, no, E.T. No, E.T. Wow. That would be amazing. Problems. I would change his name first.

No, the little one has problems. He's Shepherd. You know, we all have problems. I don't want to put him out. No, he's great. He's fantastic. He's better than all of us. Yes, agreed.

He's pretty badass. That's awesome. Yeah, the badass three-year-old that can take anyone down. That's right. He has kicked out his brother's teeth. He did kick out his brother's teeth. How? With his foot.

Sure, I know, but a game? No. You'll kick the mouth game? Just straight, like, he didn't get what he wanted. Wow. Man. Yeah, you don't. Brothers are rough.

Brothers. Do you have a brother? Yeah. Older brother. Yeah. DJ. Oh, yeah. Justin.

Justin. Yeah. Justin, older brother. The dog died. Yeah. Both of hands a finger. They fight. Or what's their age difference?

Three and a half years. Oh, that's good. Yeah, they fight constantly. But then they'll be best friends. Yeah. You're best friends. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

You're really close with my whole family. Is it his kids? Yeah, he has two boys that are twins and the youngest is six, Annie. Right. They're here? No. They're in Baltimore. Yeah.

They all live within five minutes from each other. My parents still live in the same house. I don't know why I always get excited to say that. Because it's special. Is your room still the same? No. And they've always, well, I don't say they've always, but like maybe 10 years ago they brought it up. And now they're really bringing it up.

It's like, Justin will get the company and you'll get the house. Okay, thanks. But upstairs, sink, you know, where my brother and I lived was upstairs and there was a bathroom. We were across the hall from each other. And so now my dad was up there because he snores. And the damn sink, like I would turn it on and just sounds like a machine gun's going off. And I go, and Derek's got the house. Like the water went and go down.

I was like, Mom, I think we need a plumber. Don't touch it. The only time me and your father have ever gotten to a fight is when I try to fix. fix something up there. Just leave it alone. Okay. I will kill a dog. She's going to haunt that bathroom. I hope so.

Oh, my God. So you don't think that's not a pretty equal? No, I do. Because my dad has a tire company since 1926. My great-grandfather started. And it was like a tire supply store. So it's like tire vows, wheel weights. Everything to do with tires except for tires was how I always described it.

And so I was very fortunate that I could have worked. And I did work there for a little bit, but I knew it wasn't for me. So I'm so thankful that my brother really does love it and it'll continue on because family business is that long. It's pretty cool. That's the 20s. I mean, that's a long run. What do they think of what you do? Yeah.

They've always been very supportive. And so much so that like when I first started and was really, really, really struggling. I'd asked my brother to put the phone down at work so I could hear the shipping tape. You know, like, it was kind of like this nice, motivational sound that would make me go

like, okay, I know I don't want to do that. And it's neat. I was thinking like comfort. Like, you missed home and you were low. I know. I know. Please remind me every day of what I don't want to do. You both looked at me like, that's so sweet. And I was like, oh, no.

Well, but it's, it is sweet. because here's somebody doing something that he loves, but now as I go, and it was kind of like a motivational thing. And, yeah, I remember my brother always brags that he was on TV before me because he was an extra on homicide. I really remember when he came home. I was so excited to hear how it was. He's like, that was the most boring day I've ever had.

I'll never do that again. Wow. And I was like, yeah, but what was it like? It's like, it just sat around. Yeah, but like, well, or the, What were they filming? A bunch of scenes. I don't know.

I'm fucking tired. Okay, cool. It's not for him. No, it wasn't for him. So growing up, were you, like, super into movies? Was it comedy? Like, what? I wanted to be a baseball player.

So no. Well, no, it started as baseball player. And I think about a lot where, like, people say they wanted to be a baseball player. A lot of actors say that. And the only thing I think of is, like, that that's the first thing that they've seen as a stage, like, that people are watching. and not like that it's some kind of proof they didn't grow up in new york or something that maybe there's some performance there and all i want i mean i loved baseball but it took me till i was 16 to realize i wasn't good you know but i still loved it i played were you big oriels

and i loved frank tombs yeah i could go on and on about all the players i loved rachel but uh frank thomas yeah yeah yeah i love the big hurt and uh but i just wasn't good so then um Yeah, I, but I do, I had, and this is another thing that recently happened is like having a memory of my grandfather taking me to Radio City Hall to see a production by the name of Annie. And there's one part I don't remember and then there's one part I really remember. The part I don't remember, he always used to tell me that I sat on his lap. I was 16. No, I was three or four. And he said, after that show, you just looked at me and you said, grandpa?

I really liked that show. And I guess the way I must have said it did something to him, but what I really, really remember is leaving the theater and a door opened as we were exiting. And I saw all the orphans in regular clothes. And it blew my mind that was like, that's not real. Wow. That I really think, like, did something to my brain of like, that thing just fooled me in a good way.

Right. Right. I want to figure that out and do it. But then it's also accessible too. that moment where you're like, what they're kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Those girls are mean. Yeah. I'm Annie. That's a little orphan is me. I am Danny. Yeah. I am little orphaned Danny. But that's interesting.

No. So did you think theater was the, did you? Yeah. So I did filler on the roof, not to brag. Well, who were you? This is recent. Were you singing? Another reason.

I was chorus. But I had a name that, no, I've never told this story because it's kind of embarrassing, but I think we were talking about reading is I thought my character's name was Tham. And I just recently realized Tom can be spelled with an H. And I was like, I'm Thumb. You just recently? Okay. I mean, I wouldn't say like yesterday.

Yesterday, but I would say like probably 10 years ago. Okay. I was like, your name wasn't Tham. It was Tom. Oh, well, I still have the same question. Where am I going to go with my 13 grandchildren, my six children, and my two wives? I don't remember what my line was.

But yes, yeah, I had a line. And then I was Harry the Horse and Guys and Dolls, and I loved that. And then I was George Gibbs in Our Town, which was like, oh, I finally got to be a star. And it's like, this year, Towson High will be renovating the auditorium. But don't you worry, our town will be presented live. in the cafeteria.

Oh, man. I always wanted to be in our town. You did? Wait, do you love musicals? Love, I mean, I'm enchanted by stupidity and passion. And I think musicals do that really well. Like, I find them funny. And, but I, like, if I had the opportunity to see Annie Live, I still would.

Mm-hmm. Would I, like, go to a karaoke name? night where it's a bunch of theater people doing songs? No fucking way. But I'm entertained by the shows. I love them. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm a huge, like, musical nerd. Did you do musicals? Yeah. And I don't, I don't usually, I don't usually, like, talk about this because I feel like it's a little embarrassing when you're like, I love musicals. But I do. I grew up, like, watching them. There's nothing.

It's embarrassing about that. It's not. It's not. It's like a... Maybe for me it is, but not for you. No, like my great grandmother's always showed me all of the, you know, classic musicals. growing up. Do you remember the first time you saw one live?

Live? Well, you know, I feel like my dad always took us to Phantom of the Opera. Like, I feel like I've seen that one so many times and realized like I actually kind of hate this play, but I like the music. Right. And there were horrible ones in the 80s, like Starlight Express. I never saw it. It was like a rollerblading musical.

No one? No. Starlight Express. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. How would they rollerblade on stage? That must have been cool. It wasn't a lot of room.

But they would figure it out. Where did you see it? In New York? In LA. No, at the whatever. Pantages? In Pantages, sure. Or the almonds.

One of those. Yeah. But my dad would always take us to the live ones. And in high school we did a theater trip and saw like Lay Mizz and Lion King and like whatever. But the other ones like Sunset Boulevard. I'm trying to think. There was other, all these ones in the 80s that in early 90s like City of Angels or something. Weird.

Musicals, but I've seen them all. Yeah. G.G. I've actually never seen that. I love that. I was going to be in the chorus, and I don't know what happened. I don't know how to. Wait.

Right? No. Love him. That's right. I just know any dream will do. And I look handsome. I look smart. I am a walking work of art.

And my most said that's a baby, be, ding. Yeah, that kind of stuff. I really find funny. But also the sets changing was more exciting to me. I just think that shit's so cool. But now they're taking all contemporary movies and whatnot and making them musicals. I know where you're going with this one.

What? What was I going to say? What was it going to say? Pinocchio. But I don't know. Derek's favorite movie is the new version of Syc. It's a good. Are you joking?

He loves it. Are you asking me if the new Pinocchio is Good. It's a new Pinocchio good. Let's start with G. Levitt as Jiminy Cricket. Well, I don't have a way on there. Well, you're going to see it up there. Well, I'm sure you wonder.

What kind of story? This is going to be. Well, this is going to be an exciting. Whatever I feel about that performance, there's a shot of Pinocchio looking at horseshit. And I'm not kidding. And I was recently thinking about it's like, I can't talk about the progress that Hollywood is done in creativity until you've seen a screen grab of Pinocchio looking at shit. I mean, I could have it.

Don't worry. If you just Google, it's a simple goog, Pinocchio looking at shit. It breaks my heart. But what you were asking, like, there just has to be a rulebook. Like Wizard of Oz, once it's hit some sort of also. maybe that it's been although i don't want to say if it's been a certain amount of years we can't touch it but like there just has to be a seal of approval because there's two things of like they're making money off of some of a name and why don't if you're going to change it why don't you just make a new

story it's this damn thing of like well that would be a risk we know we can get people to see bodies bodies bodies of p davisans and like there's just these things are just like why don't we think of ideas that are like, oh, that's based off creativity. And the thing I could preach about all day is like, what is the thing we always say after watching something good? I've never seen anything like that. So why can't we make things that you haven't ever seen and like taking risks on like new? It's like, yeah, but what's it like?

It's its own thing. Yeah, but what's it like? It's a same session. Oh, okay. What else is like? It's kind of like Walmart. Oh, okay. It's kind of like the Wizard of Oz.

Oh. What is that about the human condition that they need to know what it is? Fear. Yeah. Circle back. It's that fear. But everyone's trying to do their job and everyone's not trying to lose their job. But running on fear is never the way to go.

And how did you break, sorry, how did you break that with drunk history? because that had never been done? I think I, well, I had pitched it around and no one, but people were comparing it to jackass. And I was like, I think I have to shoot it because no one is understanding it just on its own. So got a really good friend drunk and filmed it and did not. I knew it would be, I humbly say I knew it would be funny. I didn't.

I thought it would be. So one time I was doing a show at the Upright Citizens Brigade, showing videos once a month to kind of like, I was getting real bitter about like internet comedy of like people were, nothing changed in this department of like it was more about hits than content. And I was like, whatever I had a show or once a month, people showed things before they went on the internet to kind of see if,

like a test screening for stuff. And then it also forced me to make something once a month. So I thought that's all I was going to be. And then people were like, you got to put it on the internet. I don't want to put on the internet. And Footfist Way was out at that point. You know that Danny McBride movie? And it was their first film.

And it was this floating DVD that no one else but the Hollywood nerds knew about it. And I was like, I want to have a trunk history DVD like that. And so I'll send it to Conan, Saturday Night Live and Daily Show. And just nothing happened. And so I was home for Christmas and I was just like, man, everyone's so bored in the holidays and no one has anything to talk about. What if I put this up and people were like, hey, have you seen that video? And so I did. Like you put it up on YouTube?

Yeah, just on YouTube to see what would happen. And yeah, it got on the front page of YouTube and that was a big deal. And then, yeah, again, I just was like, well, this will lead to something. But then Jack Black saw it and said, I want to be Ben. Franklin. So I was like, okay, we'll do it one more time. Yeah, and I just kept going. Who was the first one? Michael Sarah. And it was Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. That's right. That's right. Classic story now, but at that time.

It's the milk commercial. That's right. Yes, that's all I knew about it at that point was it was the bird. Exactly. You ever that commercial? No. You know. You're okay, thanks. And milk in his mouth, right? he was eating a peanut butter sandwich so he couldn't say it he's like so he could say it and he didn't

have milk he's like milk and he misses the question and he doesn't win because he can't say Aaron okay why don't we put him in the musical they should have put him in the musical you know what he really deserved that yes of course but it was and I told you this my favorite way to learn about history always and forever is drunk history thanks Rachel that last one that we did for a league of their own, I was like my attempt of trying to do like musical theater or like, you know, we had the backdrops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like an auditorium, not a cafeteria. Not a cafeteria. Yeah, but moving backdrops and yeah, that was really fun. It was fun. Yeah. I was always so much fun doing that. Did it blow your mind what came from that? Yeah, there's no way.

Yeah, it's still kind of hard to wrap my head around just of like doing something that you love and then it became bigger than me of just like, I'm not controlling it anymore. I'm not just part of it. And yeah, maybe it got to, it was just at the right spot. But I do want to finish it. We had shot all the stories, 16 episodes of the seventh season, and then COVID happened and it got canceled. But there's the seven or these, you know, the seven seasons that is halfway finished.

So I want to finish it. And I told Rachel this. the one part that I wanted to, that was going to be the series finale. And the last episode was called Teacher Appreciation. And so every night would do this thing where, you know, they tell it nine, 12 times, you know, it's like, you tell it sober and then I try to get them, it's really hard for me to still say, I try to get them drunk. That's why I actually in the second season, I made Comedy Central put mental health in my contract. So, because I would get really, I needed, I was already in therapy, but I also wanted it paid for.

But I was like, people hate me when I leave their house. Because they say things like, why are you leaving? I'm like, because you did it. I'm like, no, you didn't. I haven't told the story. And it really affected me of like, I'm giving people something that is making them feel bad. And then therapy goes, like, they've agreed to this. You're not making them do something they don't want to do.

But it was really hard. But that last season, when they would get to that sweet spot, And I'd always say, all right, look in the camera, say your name and what story you're about to tell. And then for the last season, I'll go, okay, look in the camera and tell me your name and who your favorite teacher was. And they would all cry. And it was just going to be this really cool thing of all of them talking about their favorite teacher. And then I talked about mine. And then suddenly I'm in a school desk and my high school history teacher told a great story.

And we got drunk and it was just that. I know. Me cry. It has to happen. Yeah, Mr. Stang. And yeah, we were both in our suits and we ended jumping in the pool. And yeah, he tells us great, great story. And I'm like, I do not want him going to his grave without that coming out.

So I'll fight for that if I have to fight for any of them. How long do we have? Oh, he's doing great. He just finished his 31st year of teaching his history. at Towson High School. That's so awesome. He's so great, yeah. But that, yeah.

How amazing is that? I mean, I literally brought tears to my eyes. Because even when we were talking before, my favorite teacher flashed through me as we were talking about reading and that, like, we all have that one in there that changed us, formed us, and opened our eyes to something different about ourselves, right? And I want to see that. Tell me yours. Mine was Mr. Miller.

I had gotten kicked. out of high school. How old? Two times at that point. Oh. So which one? I think like 16, 15, 15, 16. And.

Something to do with fire? No. That's why your mom would tell this is fire. Yeah. She's like, oh. No, I had an addiction to ditching. It was like a real thing. I did.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I didn't like learning because it made me uncomfortable. Right. Yeah. So Mr. Miller, I was really struggling. and I was failing every single class, and he sat me down. And he had been my speech teacher in junior high too.

And he sat me down and he said, I know you're intelligent. And he said, what interests you? What do you care about in life? And at that point, I said, the only thing that's ever interest me is theater, like acting theater. And he said, okay, we're going to scratch your curriculum. I'm going to recreate a new one for you. You're doing only theater.

So he recreated my English, my whole year, based on reading all theater. All my tests were on that, all my papers were on that, all that. And then I started getting A's, but only in English. But he changed me. Yeah. Because then I learned through that experience, I'm not stupid. I'm not interested. Right.

And I can become interested in things if I know what the motivation behind it is. Yeah. He taught me how to learn. I love. Yeah. I know. Mr. Miller. Mr. Miller.

I had a teacher like that too. Mr. Smith. It was my sixth grade teacher. And so I never liked math or anything. I was more like creative brain. So he never pushed it. We didn't have to do it. We got to explore just like more of our creative minds and do all of that.

And I did really well. in his class. And he had a crush on my mom. Maybe that had to do with it. But he saw you differently than the other teachers. Yeah. Well, yeah, because like we were talking about, you know, there's a specific, just standard curriculum

and how you learn and what you're learning and the teachers that really see you or actually take the time to care. Yeah, the teachers that don't teach, they talk and they listen. You know, that's a crucial thing. Or some that are just like taking out everything in their life on kids. Yeah, I have to share.

And one of the advantages of being in these slower classes was you got a lot of, you're in the WWF. You have a lot of like fellow wrestlers with you. And I don't like the word dumb ever, but this substitute was one of the dumbest guys in the world named Mr. Kern. And one day, it's so weird that how many years ago it was and I still don't want to say people's names because you don't know. So this one kid stepped on a stink bomb and we're losing it. We can't stop laughing. He's still teaching about who knows what. And Mr. Samanski, I will out him.

He was our vice principal comes in and goes, what the hell is going on in here? And Mr. Kern goes, I don't know, but someone's got to go to the bathroom. And like 14-year-olds, during that, we were fucking lost it. And then to top that off, he's like, no, no, no, no one needs to go to the bathroom, Mr. Kern. Someone stepped on a stink bomb. I want all of you students to stand up. And for some of you, I really think we were, it was just boys. It was a public school, but I think it was just boys in this class.

And everyone emptied out their pockets. But it's already been stepped on. So it's not going to be in anyone's pocket. And it gets to this kid who clearly, he didn't do it. And he won't empty his pockets. And he's like, empty your pockets, sir. And he's like, you don't, it was almost like, you don't have a warrant. Like, he's like, there's no reason.

But we're also like, why won't Chris empty his pocket? Like, it wasn't him. And he's like, you don't have a right to search me, sir. He's like, yes, I do. Empty your pockets, Chris. And he pulled out a pack of marble reds and started crying. Oh, buddy. How old is he?

14, you said. Yeah, 13 and 14, yeah. Busted. Oh, man. Yeah, he got the worst end of it. Yeah, but, yeah. I always think middle school was so much more fun. Did you guys like middle school more than high school?

That was the moment. That was it. Two years for me and then out. Because it was like, you know, how it was structured. You didn't do six, seven, eight? It was, no, it was just, it was 7, 9 for the longest time, which was weird because high school starts in 9th. Right. So I left for ninth grade to go to a high school.

So it was just seventh, eighth. But it's different now. I think lower is till fifth. Yeah, I think it goes six, seventh, eighth. Yeah. It's green. I think. Because I was seventh and eighth.

Oh, you are? In middle school. I was seventh eighth ninth. Whoa. Yeah. Well, we both grew up here. It was the same. Yeah.

But it's changed now. It's changed now. Mm-hmm. Or I was six, seven, eight. Yeah. I thought junior high was a blast. Same. Yeah.

Well, safety. No, safeties are elementary school. Oh, you guys weren't safeties? What are that? God, this is such a funny world. Like, so there are two safeties on each bus, and you had an orange, like, say, like a cross. Like a crossing guards. I don't know.

Get these kids to feel like they're crossing guards. I don't know. Call them safeties. Yeah, so when you got, you had to get picked to be a safety, and you wore like an orange thing, and you were, like, in control of like, hey, don't write the F word on the back of it. of that seat. And yeah. So you were a safety.

I was a safety that I got yelled at a lot. And then I also remember getting yelled at a lot because when I didn't make the high school team, I started umpiring a little league and the kids were bigger than me. And I didn't get yelled at a lot too. Yeah. There's a theme. Were you popular? I wasn't not, but I liked everybody.

I was never in like one clip. You were always making everyone laugh. I hope so. I hope so. But I was really, really. really short. So that was where I got made fun of more than like, yeah. So funny.

Kids will find anything to make fun of other kids about. Yeah. I'm like that. You're going to make fun of that? Yeah. What were you made fun of? Nothing. That's good.

I had an older brother and sister. I'm serious that were so intimidating that nobody would make fun. She was like scary looking. Like she just got a scary. Were you got? No. I wasn't God. She was more like Cholita.

A little Cholita. Wow. I know. She was scary. I was a little scary. But my brother and sister were scary, so it was like hand down to me, you know? Yeah, no one will mess with you. No.

No. Did anyone mess with you, Rachel? No. I mean, I feel like in elementary school, I got called bison. What? Instead of Bilsen. Oh, that's so lazy. I was like, whatever.

Yeah, but you were the, you were the bully? A little bit. I was not a bully. You became the bison. I was not a bully. But you were just saying yesterday, you'd make the girls change and wear what you wanted. You would make the girls do what? I was three years old and I made my best friend wear dresses because I was like, you have to wear a dress.

I mean, it was just, it was just, what I mean is you've always been strong. Or maybe I was four. I was four because the sweatsuit was the beagle and I was three. So let's say four. But I also, they, oh, they told me now, guys. I developed early. Okay? I was little, short.

They all around school started the rumor that I stuffed my bra. That was traumatic. And then I threw the tissues at them. Yeah. Because I made them cry. Yeah. I feel like that was just to kind of prove us wrong. That fails like a fake thing.

Oh. No, I don't. Right. That's what they're like, I know. I have to have. I say they're very, great, man. Great job, Curtis. Did you get bullied at all?

Yeah, Rob, what did people make fun of you for? I was short, too. You were? Mm-hmm. So, any nicknames? No, I was pretty quiet and kind of kept my head down in high school. Oh, really? Mm-hmm.

You had friends? I had friends outside of. They were, like, all older. You didn't have friends in high school? A couple, but it was... Did you eat lunch alone? No. Don't make me cry.

I know, I can't. With the eating? Can't. Can't. Anytime I see someone eat by the... themselves. I can't. I was always in the art class for lunch. Working on your art?

With friends? That sounds like sometimes it. Or just, okay. You were just focusing on? Yes. The computer multi-art class club. That's awesome. It is awesome.

Yeah. That makes so much sense, Rob. That makes so much sense. Well, I was real into sports prior to high school and realized I did not like those people. Yeah. And then got into art. It sucks that people can do that of take away, like this thing that you love. Yeah.

That's not fair to you or the sport. That's shitty. But also, you must not have been that good. I'm just kidding. You know, I played one of my teams when I played baseball as a kid, I was on the Orioles. Were you? I was. I thought you looked familiar.

Everyone was on the Orioles. Well, whatever. No, I only had three teams and one of them happened to be the Orioles. I was on the Orioles. You were? Did you guys do, we had 9, 10, 11, 12, like that was like the leagues, like 9, 10? Like, in ranking? Not like U12?

Like out of 100, I was 9 or 10. No. Your age, 9 or 10. Like that. I was younger. They called them like U10, U12. Under 10, under 10, under 12. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. See, I got diagnosed with this thing. That was really weird. I don't think I hit five foot until I was in ninth or tenth grade. And my mom and dad were like, let's just test them and see what happens. And so they're like, you have growth hormone deficiency, which means your body is seven years younger than you. And I was always like, so what was I doing between the ages of one and seven?

And so like, but there's a great thing. He can take these hormones that he will gain weight. And there's a 1% chance of getting cancer. So luckily my parents said, fuck no. But they're like, he'll be the height. I think they said, I don't remember if they said the exact height, but they said he'll be the height of Michael J. Fox. And I said, I love Marty McFly.

Yeah. And you know, now I'm 7-1 and I prove them all. What is up with that, though? Is your brother taller or is? He's normal. Yeah. My dad's really short. My dad's really short.

Well, I'm 5.6. My brother's probably 5'8. Okay. I feel like people are supposed to be, I don't understand that. I just talked to someone recently and they, they've done that with my kids, said, like, we're going to keep an eye on them. They may need growth hormones. And we're just like, I don't think they do, you know. Unless they're in pain, you know, like, I just said that wasn't random.

Based off your story, Rob was like, I remember starting to get nervous around basically because my mom would say, like, he shouldn't be at that. a league because like he has this thing out like i just want to play baseball you know yeah but also those kids are really mean kids are so mean yeah i'm terrified for my daughter unless you're in pain nothing's wrong with you yeah i'm like why would why can't people just be the height they're supposed to be that's you it's you it's you you or you you know and if you don't if you're comfortable you know and it's that same thing if unless you're told something's wrong you're not going to feel like something's wrong. Right. Like that same thing of like why can't we make something new. What do we do as adults to tell younger children is like be yourself. Don't, you know, stand out. Don't, don't worry about

fitting in, you know, and that's because you become your real self by, you know, standing out. And no one else is like you. That's right. And then we become adults and they're like, can you Yeah. Can you explain this to me? Are you sort of like Olivia Munn, leave you a little while? No, I'm not. Yeah, exactly. Sweatman. Always good. Me too. I'm going to say that's actually a pretty good one for her or what you did.

Well, I just played off Olivia. Yeah, it was a good one. It was still pretty good. I have to say. Just like this conversation. It's a pretty good one. That was a pretty good one. Are you dying for that candy? You want that candy?

Do you want that? You can't eat that candy. Oh, one bite couldn't hurt. I'm going to be. Yeah, we want that candy, but we have to do one more thing with you. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. I'm excited for the three names.

If you don't mind, let me have that pen so I remember them, what names you give me. Although, let's see if I can remember for my math connections class. If you look at our notes right here on this. It might be on there. Okay. You want me to text them to you? No, no, no. I'll remember.

Sorry. I was excited because you guys keep changing the name of it. and I'm excited which name you're going to call it. What? Rob. The name of the game. What did he say? He added one.

Did he add one? Did he add one? Did he add him? Michael J. Fox. He added Michael J.C. Did you? No. Frank Thomas.

Yeah. Michael J. Fox. Frank Thomas and Sting. Eh. The wrestler or the singer? The wrestler. Oh, okay. Um, okay.

Fuck along. So the one Rob gave was Olivia Mun, Olivia Wilde, and Aquafina. Real original. No, we're not going out. Oh. No, we're doing. Sorry.

I'm like talking. We have to say what we're doing first. Oh, yeah. Fuck Mary Kill. Sorry. Mary Barry, one-night stand. Hmm. Okay.

Okay. Either works. I'm adding. Whitney Cummings. Amy Adams. Olivia Munn. Did Livyamon get added? Yes.

Yeah. as we spoke. Would you rather have Aquafina? Such a good question. They both listen, so whenever you decide. Who was in the middle? Amy Adams. Oh, man.

But Ryan Adam's sister, not the actress. Oh, good, good, good. All right. Oh, man. I'm sorry, this is a real hard one. You know, traditionally you start with the Mary, but I'm not sure which one I would. Hmm. Yeah, I don't know enough about all these people, so, but I will let my thoughts be out there.

I feel like I would, well, I do know Whitney, and I feel uncomfortable saying it's because I really wouldn't have sex with her. But in this game, well, you're supposed to start with a marriage. I just... No, you start wherever you want. It's so easy. Aquafina, I would marry. No, I would, I guess I, I would marry Amy Adams.

Now, I've never met her or know anything about her personality, but from her acting choices, she really seems like the kind of girl like, just go to a crick, you know, watch the fish go down the stream, hold her hands, and whisper sweet, nothing, so I fell asleep

and jumped into the stream myself. I can't wait to hear how you described the love making. Recently, someone was telling me just like, yeah, I broke up with her. She was crazy, but the sex was good. And I have like a thing that I just wanted to round table about. I'm like the crazy sex thing. I'm just thinking out loud. Do you want to try it?

No, that I think that comes from something that when someone is, quote, that you've labeled crazy means that you don't connect with them. And I'm not saying that I'm in favor. I know this said person that is crazy and they were great in bed. I think it's like if you labeled them crazy, then everything is just like nuts

and you don't care. I don't, maybe I just think, that's just, I don't like when people say like, crazier or to better. Like I just, I don't know what that means. and I'm like, if someone's insane, like, I don't want to have sex with them. Like, call me old fashion. Call me establish in 1926, the Waters Company, 410242.

No, I'm just kidding. No, I don't know why they just came out of mind. But I don't like calling people crazy because I'm not someone that, yeah. I mean, the people that I've known that I can call crazy, but someone I don't know, I can't call crazy. Okay. I would have a one-night's down with Whitney Cummings because I bet it'd be funny and fun. And I would marry Amy Adams just to, you know, just for the Instagram of it all. You know what I mean?

Just married, L-O-L. And then I wouldn't kill her. I would put her to sleep. Barrier. You would DJ her. You would, what did your dad say? D-Brest. You would de-breather.

Yeah. It's just a game. Okay, now I get a game. On the count of three, let's all say, if we were to get canceled, how would we? I do want to touch on the crazy person. Who did you do in? Do you breathe.

Oh, Olivia Munn. Yeah. Oh. Okay. Do you know her? I've met her. So you're killing her. I'm marrying the one I've never met.

We'll see what happens. It's kind of like Aladdin. That's what everyone does, by the way. They're always like, I don't know this person, so I'd marry them. Well, which is interesting. Well. What? I don't know.

Well, I just the other choices I wouldn't marry. Okay. Yeah. Amy Adams seems like a pretty safe bet. She's very nice when I have met her. Oh. Okay. You recommend that?

Can I just ask you about the crazy? She ain't no beagle? Regal beagle? She ain't no beagle. Oh, they said she's a regal beagle. What? What about the crazy and sex thing I just want to touch on this for a second? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because there's some people that I made judges being a little out there and a little crazy. And if I were a guy, I would definitely want to fuck them. Sure. Do you know what I mean? Because you're like, that girl. It would be fun. Yeah. But I also think, do you think their craziness is like I'm trying to connect with you?

No. No. They just cooks. They're just crazy. Yeah. I do remember when we were talking about this earlier. Yeah, I remember someone that always wanted to have sex and was in this category. Yeah.

Like a girlfriend of yours? Yeah, sorry. I should have kept that to myself. Now, I was just like. But you were like, no. No, no. I was just like, oh, you asked earlier like, have you ever been in those situations? Oh, right.

Where you just can't wait. Yeah. Kind of five. Yeah. Sorry, I don't have a story. I just remembered. Oh, yeah. You had a person.

Yeah. Yeah. Some people are crazy. I think there is something a little attached to that in a way. That's attractive to be like, oh, it's stuck in wild. And also, sometimes we're attracted to the unavailable. Oh, well, that's the bigger thing. Class 101.

Right? From the beginning. Yeah. It all started on a clear and foggy day. And the untameable. I want to keep hearing these stories by a stream on a clear night. Like all of it. I've always thought I want to do a, like, I don't know what I would even call it, but like a good night stories.

Like I always say, like I could never be in a long distance relationship because I always put people to sleep over the phone. And I was like, that would be a fun, like, nighttime story of like, I never forget this one time. And I was a kid and they called me Short Derek. And I was really upset about it. And I went to my math connections class. And after I realized I couldn't make a cursive Z, I fell asleep in my own saliva, I fell on my desk. Chapter 2, things are looking good. I don't know, just really boring stories.

It's really comforting. It's comforting. No, like I play these apps for my daughter and these stories. Like, I feel like you could. I mean, you should just do it. I should just do it. I mean, yeah. Lydia and I were talking about those TikToks that people listen to.

What? There's like TikToks that people get comfort from, what is it called when you like to hear people chew? I know what you're talking to. ASMR. ASMR. You know, like there's certain sounds that. What's your sound? Crunching.

She likes to hear a kid crunch. Like the sound of my kids crunching food. He's recoiling. No. It like makes. With their mouth open or close? I will turn down the music. I will stop.

what I'm doing and listen, it makes me feel like everything is safe in the world. Because you're feeding. That's what I think. I'm like, is this like a DNA thing? Like, I know they're surviving because they're eating. And they're not talking to you. But it's the sound. It's the sound that triggers like maybe a memory when you were a kid that something was really bad and then you had cereal or something that created the crunch.

Cereal. Right? Yes, it was cereal. It's always cereal. Do you share your cereal? Sharing? Yeah. Would you share your bowl?

If you're eating a bowl of cereal. Yeah. With milk. Like in. What I said, you want some? Is that what you mean? Or if someone wanted to fight your cereal. Oh, yeah.

If I know, yeah, if I know the person. See, we feel like it's like gross. It's like milk. That was a target of question. If someone double dips, I get pissed if we're going to go into that. Like, I don't, not into the double dip. But if somebody takes it without asking, Yeah.

Have the rest. Have the rest. Well, cereal specifically, though. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. If someone took a bite out of my cereal. Yeah, yeah, then it's theirs. Or toothbrush. Also, it's cereal.

Oh, like without asking. Would you share a toothbrush? If it was my wife, girlfriend. No. I would get her another one. I have, I, I, I, I, I'm, no. I mean, I've always had equal toothbrushes. You could always afford to toothbrushes.

But if someone, that I was with didn't have one, yes. I've done that. Yeah. Yeah. I throw it away. I throw it away when they leave. Yeah.

Disgusting. Hmm. I just triggered someone. My dad was really great and still is, but I do this to tell the story because at dinner, it was always like, you'd grab the back. I'm like, you would hit me over there. No. It's like it was all about posture.

And I got to do those. So, up strike. So straight. If we would slurped, you go, this isn't a soup kitchen? Soup, that's another one. They don't like to share their soup. Who?

Rachel and Rob. Well, yeah, I feel like that. You do? It's just very, like, I'm fine if my lover would like bite a soup. Her and her husband share a toothbrush. No, we do not. We don't.

That's despicable. But if someone took a spoon into my tomato soup, and said, can I try that? Sure. But if they were like, they left their own spoon in it, just have it. Yeah.

I don't know. It depends on the size of the soup bowl. Let's be honest. My grandfather, I said he was funny, I haven't said anything. He would tip a lot, or when we would get the check, he would go,

the only thing I'd tip as a canoe and sometimes a soup bowl. Oh. But he would, too. The ball? The ball. Yeah.

I like him. I do, too. Yeah, he's a great man. Yeah. And then, all right, if we're going to end, this was a great one, Grandpa always said, was alcohol takes the polish

off of furniture and people. Oh, damn. Wow. I wanted to ask you your relationship with alcohol. Don't talk about it. Wait, what is it? I mean, can you get a shit face as everyone else? Well, you know, sometimes.

Yeah. If it was bad, What do you mean if it was bad? Some people, it doesn't affect them and they have to keep drinking. The show doesn't work if they don't look drunk. And sometimes you can see that and sometimes they're celebrities and that's as far as they go. But like if I'm doing light, let's do a shot, it gets them going. But when I was growing up, I didn't drink or smoke pot, but I was always accused of being drunk.

My first show I did out here was called Derek Walker. is in stone because everyone just always thought I was high or you know I know what I look like I'm aware I have mirrors but when I would do the show people would look at me and they would feel a lot better he's real drunk listen to his voice look at his eyes but most of the time it was just politely smiling and go oh didn't know that oh they're so smart wow yeah yeah it was that bar was that was the hardest part. That was the hardest part. Is alcohol.

And sitting, people were like, that's a fucking blast, man, that would have been so much. Sorry, but, like,

that must have been the most fun. I was like, it was. But imagine going to a party and getting cornered by someone very drunk, and you have to keep reminding them that they're a,

the funniest person here, and they're doing a good job. That's awful. I mean, honestly. It's rough. Yeah. That was, yeah. But the positives outweighed the negatives, yeah.

Jenny Slate. I, she as amazing as, you know, I love her. The cutest thing in the world, I swear. Watching her on when she narrates was. Yeah, I think that was the first time when she did the first story, that was the first time her and I met. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. It was only a couple times where people had done it that I never met. But, yeah, she was, yeah, one of my favorites. Yeah. Awesome. But, yeah, alcohol is a poison. I know.

I can't drink it, but. Good job. Yeah. Oh, I'm serious. No, I tried for a long time. It didn't work. She's been sober a long time. I can't drink it because it makes me puke, but.

These are things, these are great. You know, some people, it makes it still do it. So don't act like that's like everyone's decision. So good for you. I'm so drunk right now. Yeah. On that note, let's eat our C's candies. We have C's Cany.

Where's Amy Adams? You said I can marry you. Welcome to me. We already did that part. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Drink some more macha. I feel like you need some pick me up.

I need something. I need help. You barely had any drink. She's so modest with her matcha drinking. Drink up. Ever since I got sick, I haven't been able to like gulp the matcha. Yeah, but you're also just not a massive consumer. I'm not a massive consumer of liquids unless they're coming out of a penis. I'm just kidding. It's disgusting.

Barf. Have you ever had really funky spunk? No, this, yeah. Have you had funky, funky comadina? Yeah. Isn't it always a little funky? Isn't it always a little funky? Yes. Do you spit or swallow? Well, if it's like my man, I swallow. But like random... If it's not here... If it's a random guy. If it's someone else's man, I spit. I sneak under a table.

I'm definitely spitting. But you do swallow? Wait, why isn't there a table in this scenario? I was just saying, like, you know, you sneak up on someone. It's a stranger. You're definitely spitting. I have a question, though. It sounds like you spit.

Well, okay. Yeah, what do you do? So that's an interesting question. She keeps a jar next to the bed and... Of all my past lovers. No. Like when you're chewing tobacco. Tip of 40.

spit it in there. I think it, I mean, this is, I'm going to be real honest here. I think if I'm trying to like win a dude over, you swallow. Yeah, get him. Stare him in the eyes. So you always spit with Jeff. So I spit with Jeff. I already got him.

Yeah. But do you always spit? Not always. Like, I've definitely swallowed Jeff's love juice. I like that you said that, like, you're still trying to win guys over by swallowing. This wasn't past tense. No, I'm saying... Said when I'm trying to win a guy over.

Do you guys I swallow? I don't care. I feel like some guys are like get offended if you spit. That's weird. Well, yeah, I think it's weird too. Because like you can't put my seed in your stomach. Like that episode of Sex in the City where she makes him taste

his funky. It was Bobby Conavalli, I think, was the I don't remember. Am I saying his name right? You know, I'm talking about Rose Burns, dude. Anyway. I think it was I'm a big sex in the city fan. No, but you know who the actor is, and Samantha's dating him

and his cum is so funky. Yeah. That she's like, she wouldn't swallow, and she's like, fine, you taste it. And if you're fine with it, then I'll swallow. And he pretends to be fine with it, but it's absolutely disgusting. I want to know where your story was going. Oh, sorry. I don't remember.

Oh, I was saying, like, in the past, if it was someone I was trying to, like, really win. I think I would swallow. If it wasn't, I think I'd spit. But I think in marriage, it just depends on my mood and like where the most appropriate placement is. It also seems more like convenience, like running to the bathroom. Oh, I don't think I would even run to them.

Maybe I would. I don't know. You just see you're like swishing it around. In the times I have spit, you definitely move fast and like run to the toilet to spit it out. Yeah, it seems inconvenient. You don't just spit it on their chest like they do to you? You should. You should on their face.

Be like, how do you like it? Here, bitch. Yeah. Seriously. I swear that's the move. Now, I feel like it's not appropriate to ask you this without Natalie answering for herself, but do you know, does she prefer either? Or?

She, she, she, she won't talk about it. We'll wait until she asks. No, it's fine. I mean, she does not spit, but it's because of the bathroom's far. Right. It's convenient. I'm not going to lie, there's been times where I've swallowed and felt like I was going to peew. Oh, yeah, and gagged.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Sometimes it can be real funky. It's like, you guys, like, let's be real. It's like swallowing someone's luggy. Ew! I imagine it's like an oyster. No, not like an oyster.

There's no fucking hot sauce or lemon on it. There's no fucking minette. Okay. It's not on ice. No. No. It's not salty. It's like funky.

It's like. It's like... Old athletic socks. Smell and taste. Yeah. It really tastes gross. Some is definitely more potent than others. And I know they say it's what you eat or whatever, and I've heard pineapple juice is supposed to like...

I don't know if that's true or not. I think diet. Natalie has said it tastes different. Depending on what you eat. Different times. I think Derek's really going to appreciate that this is what we're talking about after this interview. Oh, God. I don't even know how we went there.

here to tell us what he... His opinion. Actually, should we call him? Honestly, please do. Should I text him and be like, we're doing? Yeah. Text him. What is he going to add to the spit or swallow conversation? If he would be offended if a girl spits. Like, is it... I wish to take a poll.

Oh, that's a good poll. Yeah. Mm-hmm. There was another poll we were supposed to do, Robin. We didn't. What was it? What are you doing? Olivia's on Instagram. She's checking her reels. I'm checking my real. Olivia's become... A real hardcore Instagrammer now.

I am a real making maniac. I didn't know it was fun. I always resisted the whole social media thing, and now I'm having a good time. She's hooked. It's like you're an addict at heart. Oh, it's like it. My macho's gone. You guys have had two sips.

That's a thing. I'm almost done. You're almost in the addict. And it's because I put more ice in it, so there's actually less. Rachel's still thinking about all those. all the little swimmers on your stomach right now. The buffet of semen. You know that stays in your stomach for like years.

Your body doesn't digest it the same. So I have so many unborn babies floating around. 15 years of semen is in the lining of your stomach. It's not true. Oh, I was like, that's crazy. No, I mean, I think in a relationship I've definitely done both spit or swallowed. Yeah, I think it depends on your mood when you're in a relationship. Depends on the taste.

But I would like to know in my little theory of like if you're really trying to win someone, would you ever spit or would you always swallow? Yeah, you probably always swallow if you're trying to like make a good first impression. Spitting and having to just dribble over your face. I don't think Jess should listen to this one. It's making my stomach hurt, just thinking about the taste of it. It's so gross. Especially because we just ate so much food and we're full.

Yeah, it's making me really sick. Ugh. Okay, anyways. Chase it down with some matcha. No, it's like creamy. Like, I can't look my mouth. It's like, bleep. It's disgusting.

Disgusting. Okay, let's bring it back. Bring it back. So, do you think you could tell a better story, drunk or sober? Well, I don't drink. When you both did. Obviously, sober, we would have kept drinking. Yeah, I mean, it'd probably be more fun to hear a story drunk.

That's not what I asked. Well, what's the question? You're talking about, like, accuracy? I don't know. Or entertainment value. I think there's certain people that are entertaining when they're drunk and they're good drunks. Like you, Rachel, you're a great, no, honestly, you're a great. drunk, I myself was getting to the point where

started to slur. And then that becomes really cringy and uncomfortable. Started to cock block. I've been told I'm a fun drunk. I could see you being a fun drunk. Well, I've been told that too. But then it goes too far. You only had one bad experience with me drunk. That was enough. That was only one. Oh, what happened? Only one? Yeah. There had to

have been more than that. Let's tell the story. We've already told the story. The Justin Timberlake piano story? Yeah. Done with that. Olivia got real. We've already told the story. Okay.

That's one of my favorites though, because it's so embarrassing for her because she was so not her. I don't want to even... Can we tell a drunk Rachel story? I mean... There aren't many because I don't drink. Yeah.

I always get sick if I drink. Mostly. But that's why she's good. So are there any? I mean... I don't ever do anything that, like, leaves a lasting impression. There's no lasting impressions. It's just fun in the moment.

I'm real fun in the moment. I wish there was. I'll, like, finish one glass of wine, and I'll be like, woo. Start wooing? No, seriously. I'm a wooer. I would always say when I was younger, like, I really like being drunk, but I don't like drinking alcohol because I hate the taste of it.

So I was always like, give me a quailude and call it a day. You're really dating yourself there. I know. They don't even exist. I'm just kidding. I'm not condoning drugs. Oh, my God. You immediately backpedal. Anyways. Would you ever taste your own gum? Oh, great question.

No. You wouldn't? Why? You'd taste someone else. It's like a fluid from my body. That sounds. And did you ever taste breast milk? Natalie's breast milk? Yeah. What it tastes like?

Hot milk. Hot milk? I hear people say it tastes like canola for some juice. You never tried your breast milk? No, I didn't. You did? You're saying when you would test it on your hand and stuff, you never like tasted it? Why would I test my breast milk on my hand?

It's not a bottle I would warm up. Oh, you never put it in a bottle. No, I never bottle fed. That's why. I squirt it out of my boob onto my hand to check the temperature. You never tasted it? Uh-uh. It tastes like almond milk.

It does? Yeah, it's like a little sweet milk. There's nothing like weird or gross about it at all. Have you ever tasted your pee? What? You don't, you're telling me right now. You've never put your pee on your hand and then licked it? Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?

You don't know the taste of pee. I do not know the taste of pee. Yeah, I don't know the taste of pee either. You've never tasted pee. I have never tasted pee. What are you talking about? I have. Why?

What? I don't know why. I did have this woman. I don't know if it's because I had an older brother or sister. Like, I don't know if they made me taste pee, but I know they taste pee. I can feel it in my mouth when I think about it. That is weird and disgusting. Okay.

I hope the tobacco was on your lips at the time to add a little flavor. No, no, no. I don't know if they, like, made. I don't know. Like held you down and peed on you or poured water and peeing in your mouth? There was a woman once at, like, the salon, and I'll never forget her. She's like, you have a pimple, put a little pee on it. You don't feel good?

Take a shot of pee. You just put a little pee. It was like her solve, you know, her answer to everything was put a little pee on it. And I was like, that's really weird. That's like breast milk. Yeah. I used to squirt my breast milk in my nannies. Just like bullying them?

Take that. She had an eye infection and I would fill up a syringe of my breast milk and squirt it into her eyes. And it would clear up her blood infections. No, not. squirting straight out of your mouth. No. But I would. Did it cure her?

100% cleared her eye infection. I would try to squirt breast milk up briars nose like for plane rides, you know? So like they say put aquafore in your nose to block out the bacteria. This is obviously pre-masks. Just put a little breast milk on anything. Anything. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if you could keep a kid on breast milk all through their childhood, they probably would never get really sick. But like, why can't you? Why do we do that and then switch? to cow's milk. There's nothing normal about that. Dude, I saw something. What? Okay, I'm a very sensitive person. I have a really hard time with things. I'm going to tell you two stories. One, I saw a video on Instagram of a cow who was like a retired dairy cow. You know, they get them pregnant and then. I saw this video. You did, the gentle barn. And then the mommy

cow, they rescued her, but she was not okay. She was crying and like not okay at the new sanctuary. And they told them she didn't have a baby. She was ready to go. Turns out she did have a baby. And the baby was still at the farm, at the dairy farm. But they got permission to go and get the baby to come live with the mom. So the baby came back and they kissed and they were so happy. No, they knew each other.

That was her baby. And that was her baby. And she was pregnant at the time she wound up having another baby. So now the three of them, the little family, to live the rest of their lives out at this sanctuary. My heart, I can't. I was driving the other day, you guys. Watching this on Instagram.

I was driving the other day. And it was a busy street. I don't know, Pico, I was like deep at L.A. A lot of traffic and I saw a squirrel. And it ran out. And I was like, oh, fuck, buddy. It ran out. And then it dodged a car.

I was like, fuck yes. I was so happy. But then it ran. into a tire of another car. Oh, no. And it ran it over, but, like, not squashed it to the death. So I looked in my rear view to, like, check on it. Oh, no.

You guys, you guys, I'm a sock on. And his little bushy tail, like, stood up and started waving in the air. And I was like, dear God, please. I was so, and then there was a big truck coming. And I was like, do I want, like, can it get up and run away? Or is it, like, doomed? Like, does it need to be, like, put out of its misery? It was very traumatic for me and it stayed with me for the rest of my half hour drive, like seeing its little bushy tail swishing because it wasn't gone after the first thump. You guys, I don't do well with these kind of things. I like to think that that squirrel made it out, okay? Have you ever hit something?

That does remind me of a movie that I watched last week. Tell you about it. It's this Norwegian film called The Innocence. See? Yep. And these T little kids are fucking with a cat and like drop it down a stairwell to see if it survives. And it does. It does, but its legs are broken. And then it like crawls into this cellar. This is horrible.

And the little boy, the little girl's with him and the little boy steps on and like crushes the cat's skull. It's fucked off. I mean, I hate cats, but that's horrible. No, that's horrible. There's something wrong. But have you ever ran something over? Or doesn't stay with you because you're heartless? No, I don't think I have.

Have you? I'm sure I have nothing's coming to mind, but I did save two dogs this week. That's good. I saved one dog on the way to meeting Robb. And I pulled over and I like swerved the whole road and honked and stopped it from getting hit by a car and then I got it to safety and Elliot goes oh you're a dog saver

are you? It was the Irish he's like oh you're a dog saver are you? Wait did you see the video of the people that saved a dog they were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and a dog was just swimming. What? Yes.

They pulled a dog. What's on your Instagram? They pulled a dog out of the middle of the ocean. It was a little jasmine. It was a little jack. Russell just swimming in like the depths of the ocean. Apparently a family had been going crazy. Look, they thought maybe the dog had been hiding and the,

but apparently had fallen overboard at some point. I don't know how long this dog was out to see. But they just like, could you imagine being on the ocean to seeing a Jack Russell like swim by your boat? I would get so excited. I know. Because I love saving dogs. I be like, I get to save it. Oh, my God.

Oh, that's hilarious. I mean. I mean. I mean. I mean. Speechless. No, you know what's funny is that you're getting these videos, right? Yeah. You're like, oh, the calves and the mom and the dog and the being rescued. And so what happens is you click on one of those videos and they're like, oh, the algorithm's like, oh, Rachel likes this kind of stuff.

We're going to start sending you more, right? And you get that. Well, my mom doesn't because she'll be like, she'll be like, oh yeah, it's on my Instagram feed. Don't you get it? And she'll be like, it's for hair loss. And I'm like, no, mom, I don't get the same feed

as you. Like, I'm not getting hair loss vitamins. She doesn't get that her clicking on things is determining. And searching. Didn't your mom like kill a cat in a dryer? What the fuck are you talking about?

No, my mom never killed a cat in the dryer. Oh, that was somebody else's mom. Have you ever killed a cat in the dryer, Rachel? You're safe. No. You're not alone. No, I don't want to answer that. You have?

No. I remember once I was dating a guy, and he's like, I want you to tell me one thing you've never told another person. And I was like, fuck, okay. And I thought about it And I was like Sometimes when I see road kill I don't swerve You just want to hear the sound of that skull

Oh This was a long time ago I thought I hit a cat once in high school I was driving home And I was so traumatized But it was like close to my house So I went home crying And I was like mom

You have to go back and see if there's a dead cat in the road like I was a teenager, so I was traumatized. I didn't, like, you know. So she went and she looked, she came back. She's like, there's no cat there. You didn't kill the cat. Okay. Years go by.

And out of nowhere, I'm like, mom. Did you lie about that cat? Did you lie about that cat? And? Well, she still says no, but I don't believe her. I love that you just like, brought it back to her years. I can hear it. Yeah, years later. Like, added mom. Yeah. Mom! Did you lie about that? I can't. I know she did. I know it. Oh, my God. Because I know my mother.

That is so something she would have protected you from. Absolutely. 100%. It's fine, baby. Are you that kind of mom? Like a protect kind of mom? You're brutally honest. She's like, Elliot, you're going out there in any of this life. Get a stick. I have a weird, like, I've actually got like almost like an OCD thing about lying. Like I do not. No, you're not about it. I will go to any link to tell the truth. To a fault.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I said I'm more of a protective mother. But I am honest with important things, but also one of the things I'm just like, is it necessary to be like. But see, I find that there's a way to tell the truth. Right.

Do you know what I mean? Like let's say. What about you? With like Calvin. Sorry. And then give you an example. No, no. No, I want to hear.

No, we don't find it. Yeah. Yeah. He hears about things. Yeah. Brutal honesty. Yes. Yeah.

Because I feel like there's a way to explain it in a way that helps them understand things that, you know, like if a cat got run over, I wouldn't be like, no, the cat's fine, he's going to be okay. Like I wouldn't, I would say like, yeah, yeah. It's really sad. It's really sad. So do you lie to them about Santa Claus? Yes, I do. The reason I lie to them about Santa Claus is because I think it's really fun. Like, I don't think it's fun to lie about real things.

Right, there's value for it. So Hayden's sister, who, like, is all about, like, not lying, whatever. Like, her daughter believed for so long. And I remember her saying, like, she's going to be so upset when she, learns that I lied to her. So I think when the time came and, you know, they had the conversation, she said, well,

he used to exist. But once he passed away, the parents carried on the tradition. Yeah. It's a tricky one. I do think it's weird. Like the tooth fairy came last night. Yeah.

You know? We almost, we talked about it. We were going to maybe not do it. Do Santa? So he'd be like the bearer of bad news at school? I feel like it'd be robbing him of such an experience. That's what we ultimately decided. When Christmas came and it was like holiday spirit and we did that stupid elf on a shelf.

Yeah, fucking elf on the shelf. But he got so excited and into it that we were like, all right, I guess. That fucking elf on the shelf, man. Dude. He named his Cuomo. What? Quamo. Quamo.

You named it, Cuomo? No, he named it, Cuomo. like K-W-A-M-O Huh Interesting Dude the Elf in the Shelt They're about to be back, you guys Fuck my life

Do you know what's really crazy Is that last year Was the first year Oh no, two years ago It was the first year That Elliot got Elf on the shelf He came home from school And he was like

I really want an elf on the shelf And in my mind I was like I'm going to have to figure that out We got a knock at the door An hour later And it was my neighbor across the street and on my porch, she text me, she's like, I'm leaving you something on your porch and it was an elf on the show.

Holy fuck. Because your kid died and she didn't have any use for it? Rob. He definitely didn't believe in Santa as a kid. So that is something that I do feel like for me, I'm like, yeah, I want him to believe in them to believe in Santa and all that stuff. But outside of that, no. How old were you?

How old were you? That's what I mean. Santa, tooth fairy, all those things. How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? I don't remember. I was young. I was like seven or eight. I remember finding one of the presents.

It was this little figurine found in my parents' room. And then it was in my stocking. And I was like, oh. They weren't very good hiders. Nope. I was seven. I think I was like seven to. in Elliot 7 and he's been picking up a lot like when last year all the Christmas movies

are kind of annoying. Yeah, we talked about this. Yeah, because they like out Santa all the time. They're like, I don't believe in Santa. So then Elliot's like, oh, like the bigger kids don't believe in Santa. And I'm like, well, let's see if he gets you presents then. Well, I feel like you can still have Christmas spirit without believing in Santa. I just don't want it to end yet. It's so fun. I feel like this might be our last. year because school is really, you know, kids will... Really fuck with it. They're already, like, last year, they were like,

the Easter Bunny is not real, like a kid in her class, if they question it, you know? It's sad. It's fun to keep that alive. They just keep popping out kids. Yeah. You know? Seven seems like young, though, to stop. Well, I had an older brother, you know.

Same. Yeah. Because that's like one more Christmas for Calvin. After this. Right. Yeah, that's not enough. Right. And Breyer still believes, and she just turned eight. Elliot still believes.

Yeah. Yeah. We're going to make sure they're going to keep it going as long as possible. Keep our kids as dumb as possible. And they still believe in Elfler. Briar's so obsessed. She named her North Pole. And she's so obsessed with him.

Oh, Elliot named his crystal. I remember when I found out there was... Is it a girl or a boy? It's a boy. Yeah. Okay. I remember when I found out there was no Santa. Why?

Because my mom had her friend come. Do we need to do like a trigger warning unless people... are listening that, well, what if some of our listeners still believe in Santa Claus? Oh, my mom had a friend, Robbie, who was the drug dealer, and I know this, dresses Santa, and come bring us our cousins. And I was like, that's Robbie. And not only that, guess what I got for Christmas? Crack?

Sheets. Can I tell you? Sheets. Bed sheets. Guess how many? times I asked for bed sheets for Christmas. Fucking zero. I was like, this is a crock.

That is not Santa. Because one. Because a fucking bedsheet. I didn't want bed sheets. Like, you can't get me something that's a necessity and call it Christmas. No. Well, that's when Christmas was dead. That's when Christmas died.

Oh, my God. Christmas is still fun after that. I love Christmas. I love Christmas. I love the holidays in general. I do too. Actually, I love Thanksgiving. It's my favorite.

I love it. Halloween's my favorite. What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving? It's coming up. It is coming up. Did you decide? Are you doing it here? Here, yeah.

Oh, my house. What time should we come? My house is the year, but it's just going to be us. It's going to be Jill. Jill, my mom, Hayden. Yeah, it's just going to be Jill and Brandy and, oh. It's the Disney crew. That's right.

I'm excited. I fucking love. decorating a table. You guys? Well, we're going to bring my mom. We're bringing my mom. I get off on decorating a table. I think I'm going to do it in front of the fireplace this year. What do you mean? You're moving the table. Either move the table or I've done this before with the coffee, like it's a big table. I've lifted it up with books or something. Are you hosting a lot of people? No. I just like to decorate and make it cozy. What do you make? For the dinner? Yeah, for Thanksgiving

So we have to, since my mom and my stepdad are vegan-ish, vegetarians for sure. We just do a breast because all of us like the white meat. So I'll do a whole breast. They're vegetarian, but they eat turkey breast? No, sorry. Me and my brother and my sister-in-law and Briar all like white meat. So we'll just do a breast, which is, I have to say, easier.

So I do the turkey, and I've added, like, root veggies in while it's cooking, you know, with it. But I do the stuffing. Courtney usually does mashed potatoes. We have all the things. What about you guys? What do you do? We do whole turkey.

Yeah. Mashed potatoes. My mom's stuffing is the best stuffing on the whole entire world. She does cornbread, doesn't she? It's mixed with cornbread and regular. It's really the best. And then we do, I like a good white trash green bean casserole. Oh, we do that, for sure.

And sweet potato casserole. And then we do a veg, a salad, and rolls. And cranberry? Rob? We don't really, since moving out to California, we go to fancy restaurant. We don't really do Thanksgiving because we don't have a lot of family out here. But you're doing it this year, you just said. Yeah, my mom's coming out.

Didn't you say you're going somewhere for Thanksgiving? We don't know. We might just skip it. You can't skip Thanksgiving. Well, that's, that's really. Order it. Order for, I bet all time has that. You just order it. That's what we're seeing if all time's going to do any dinner. Yeah. We might.

try to go there. But we, yeah, we normally, we used to do big Thanksgiving in Chicago. You know who has a menu is Superba? The coffee shop? Yes, but it looks really, look at it. I'll show you. Anyway, Rob likes the finer things in life. We normally skip.

But we did a Thanksgiving for armchair. That's right. You already had a very... Can't you even do just like a Whole Foods Thanksgiving or something? Yeah, you can't. Gelsons. They all do it. Just like...

We don't... You don't care? Um, your mom's gonna be, Rob, I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna show you. These are the menus. I mean,

I know about it. But you have to do a little Thanksgiving. We'll see. Probably not. What? He's so weird. I would invite you to my house, but there's 10 of you.

No. Well, if it's just you guys and your mom. It'd be my mom, yeah. You guys are welcome at my house. I'm a better person. She's a lot nicer than I am. I mean, we, We maybe take up on that.

Who's coming to your house? My little family. My mom. Deanna and Richie. Oh, they are? My cousin and her husband. Oh. And my other...

Christina. Are you going to have another table? Shannon. You're doing two turkeys. I'll probably do a turkey and a breath. Yeah. You have to with that funny people. But a lot of them don't eat meat.

Like, Christina doesn't meet me. Like, I'm not that big of a turkey person. There's a turkey shortage, you guys. There's, uh, yeah. Bird flu. There's bird flu. If one of the, one of the flock in it, they have to kill all the flock. Oh.

I don't really honestly care that much about the turkey. I like the cranberry. We had Michael Valtagio cooked our. No big deal. Whatever. All right. No, say it. He made the most insane stuffing.

It was the best thing. But didn't you say it had mushrooms or something? I like mushrooms. I mean, I'm not normally a mushroom person, but this was one of the best things I've ever eaten. I only like my mom's stuffing. I like my mom's stuffing. I make the stuffing now, though, and I really like it. Is it dressing or stuffing?

What's the difference in your mind? Stuffing is stuffed in the bird, turkey, and stuffing. You mean dressing is in the bird? No, stuffing is in the bird and dressing's out of the bird, I believe. That's why it's called stuffing because you stuff it in the bird. Okay. I don't, we do a breast, so I don't do it in the bird anymore. So you make dressing.

Well, they say you're not supposed to, but I don't care. I would if I had a whole turkey. We do still. Yeah. But we serve two different things because I like mine without the water chestnuts. Water chestnuts in your stuffing? I'm going to save you some, but you're not going to like it because that's mushroom. No, I hate cook mushrooms.

It's the best stuffing, I promise you. If it's, like, thin enough. He put a big block cheese in it, which. Oh, no. See, I don't want my stuffing fucked with. I don't want cheese in it. I like old school. I'm sure it's good for that, but I don't want it on Thanksgiving.

Like, I want everything to stay the same. If anyone wants to stray at all, I want them out of my house. You know what I mean? Like, I want my pumpkin pie to taste like pumpkin pie. Wait, you're having so many people. Are you going to have another table? Like, what are you going to do? Well, we have two tables.

We have our outside table, which we'll put it. Yeah, we'll put it inside and we'll put a tablecloth on it. Do you want to do floral arrangements together for Thanksgiving? Yes. Yes. Let's get them from Abigail. Yes. County line florals.

I was ordering... Abigail, if you're listening. I was ordering dried, like, pompous grass, like all this stuff to do, like... You know? I get off on floral arrangements. I do, too. And setting a table. Yeah, it's fun.

Oh, my God, are we going to have a floral arrangement party? Yes, we are. Okay. I'm happy. What's your favorite pie? There was this really good pumpkin cheesecake at this bakery in Chicago that we used to get. Is it still there? No.

Aw. Well, the baker just got old and stopped making it. Pumpkin cheesecake? Is a pumpkin cheesecake? Have you tried other pumpkin cheesecake? And do you like pumpkin cheesecake? Yeah, but this was better. This was really good pumpkin cheesecake.

Aw. Oh, are you okay? What's yours? I really love pumpkin pie and pecan pie. I knew that. I like both those. I actually just have to ask you. But I like it from like Marie calendars.

All the Marie calendars have, like, close. Oh, yeah, that's right. Where am I going to get my pies? This is like another seas thing. Yeah, it is. Marie calendars? I don't want a fancy pie for Thanksgiving. I want like a...

No, I love old school. I love pumpkin pie. Oh, we got our pies last year at Pie and Burger, remember? Oh, yeah, they were good. They were great. And I guess Susie Kakes has like a peacom pie that's supposed to be good, but I'm not... Susie Kakes is a little sweet for me. He doesn't...

The Winston Pyes. What is Winston? Winston's. No? Winston Pyes. They're good pies. they? Out in L.A.

Huh. I got to figure out where I'm getting my pies. We'll figure it out. Winston Pies. All right. Well, it's been real. Thanks. Broad Squad.

All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. That was a head gum podcast.