Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Emily Morse on Female Orgasms, Cheaters, and How to be a Great Lover

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Sex therapist Emily Morse talks with Rachel and Olivia about female orgasms, open relationships, and how to talk about sex with your kids. They also discuss cheating, squirting, sex parties, and much more.Broad Ideas is supported by Sundays for Dogs. Go to SundaysForDogs.com/IDEAS or use code IDEAS at checkout for 35% off your first order. Broad Ideas is supported by HelloFresh. Go to HelloFresh.com/ideas16 and use code ideas16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping. Broad Ideas is supported by Opti-Greens 50 from 1st Phorm. Visit 1stphorm.com/ideas. Broad Ideas is supported by Caldera + Lab. Get 20% off at calderalab.com by using code IDEAS.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast on HBO Max, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to broad ideas.

Hello, my people. Hello. Hi. Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Today, Rachel's talking about her favorite subject. Oh, shut up, Rob. Well, it just so happens.

We have someone on today who knows a lot about this subject. And we're going to talk. to her. Emily Morse, she's a sex therapist. She's an author, also a media personality. She has a podcast sex with Emily, which is hugely popular. And I love having these open conversations around the subject, clearly. But yeah, we get to talk to Emily Morris today. And I was super excited. Great conversation. Let's just jump right into it. Round and round inside as we take a little ride. We'll talk about dogs and kids and things.

We'll talk about chicks and tampon strings. We'll talk about boys. Because people die. We're here. Hi. Hi. My goodness, you are stunning. Hello.

So pretty. Thank you. Oh, my God. So pretty. Thank you. It's so nice to see you both. It's so nice to see you. I'm Rachel. That's Olivia down there.

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry we to get to meet in person. I know. Me too. But I'm so happy to hear. Yes, next time. Yeah, we too. Olivia's out of town. It was just, everything's a little crazy. But, um. I got you. But thanks for being here with us. I've been so excited to talk to you. I have to tell you, I grew up in a household with a mother who is maybe you could say too open when it comes to sex. So for me, this is very comfortable. Isn't your mom a sex therapist? So she doesn't have a degree, okay? But she counsels in it.

It's her area of specialty. Okay. You know, super comfortable with it. And when I showed her, I'm like, oh, we're talking to Emily. And she's like, a sister, tell her I said hi. It was very cute. I can picture how you grew up, though. Yeah, it was very open.

Everything was okay. Everything was okay. Yes. Like the night after I lost my virginity, my mom's like, let me talk to you about sex. And I was like, how do you know these things? Anyway, and so, you know, yes, a little too much at times. But anyway, this is a familiar, familiar space. Oh, I love it. Yes. Familiar safe space. Familiar safe space. Yes. So we can't wait to talk to you about all the work you do,

your podcast and your new book and just your whole philosophy behind sex and how you approach it. And if you can introduce a little of that to us. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for having me here. I think I know you guys talk a lot about mental health and spirituality and all the, you know, people get really real on your podcast. And so what I realize is the interesting thing about, like my philosophy about sex is that our sexual health is an important part of our overall health and wellness.

It's not separate. But for years, we've separated sex to be this random, like, outward, outlaw. that we should somehow kind of fit into our lives. And so my philosophy is that being sexually healthy means that we're going to be overall well and healthy. And then I just was, you know, for years I've been talking about this with people. And I think what I realize is and where I just, that people realize it's sort of this, we sort of compartmentalize sex and we put it on the bag burner and we sort of think

it's disconnected from every area of our life. But it's directly related to our mental health, our physical health, our overall well-being. So my philosophy is that like, look at your mental health, look at what medications you're taking, look at how often you move your body, how well you communicate with your partner. All these things are going to contribute to what is going to make you feel, have the best sex of your life, essentially. Yeah.

So you've had a lot of good sex. I have. But do you know, this show, my mission was born from the fact that I was in my mid-30s and I think you can relate to this. I wasn't having orgasms with a partner. I was faking pleasure, faking everything. Really. I thought that pleasure was about my partner's pleasure.

So I started this show because I was like, didn't know how to have great sex. And so I, you know, that was my mission. My mission was like, sex is supposed to be this amazing thing that everyone talks about, but it's not for me. Right. And then I realized that a lot of other people, it wasn't great for them either. Right. Wow.

Yeah. You know, so yes, I have been vocal about, it's funny because it was taken out of context, like what I had said. And people are like, oh, she never had an order. orgasm until she was 38 and I'm like, that's not what I said and that's not true. I hate that. Yeah, I know. So I was like, no, no, no.

And I had to correct it and all of that. But it's also such a taboo topic that I think is so lame because so many women, you know, feel like they can't talk about if they're not having an orgasm or what's helping them have an orgasm or if it's something you share. If you can have it through penetration. Like it's just all this whole taboo topic that we love to open the space where it's more comfortable to talk about. Yeah. It's so important, you know? It's so important. And why is it still so taboo and so shameful? Like that is essentially my mission. Like, let's talk about sex like we're talking about the weather. Like it's sunny with a chance of orgasms. Can we just normalize it and talk about it wherever we go?

Because it's the only way we're going to feel comfortable and safe with it. Right. Otherwise, it's like this random scary thing. Totally. You know what's cute is that so my son goes to a Catholic school. And I'm not, we're not Catholic, but it's a good school. And one of the moms, was like, wait, what do you do? What is your podcast? And I was like, you don't worry about it. I don't want you to listen. And they were all like, they all caught on. They're like, well, what do you mean you don't want us to listen? And I was like, well, you know, we talk about things that

kind of push the envelope. And this one mom is so precious. She looks at me and she goes, I listen to sex with Emily all the time. And I said then, okay, you're welcome to. I'm listening to ours too then. I love it. Well, that's the thing about podcast. As you know, it's like, it's the anonymity to it. Like, I started, you know, people feel like I can listen to it and it's not, like I don't have to, you know, I can kind of do my own thing.

Kind of like why 50 Shades of Gray became so popular because it was the first time people could listen on their, like, on their iPad or whatever, they could do an ebook with it or whatever it was at the time. They're like, no one has to see it. I think podcast is the same thing. And so, yeah, people can call in. They can share their stories and they just, yeah, can feel safe. I love that.

Yeah. And yeah, there's so many women, especially, like you're saying, at a Catholic school that are like... At a Catholic school. Tell me everything. But, yeah, she was like, I listen to sex with Emily. We're safe. She's like, we got this.

It's like a language. If you speak the sex with Emily language, but yeah, I mean, really, it's, hopefully it's I love that. I feel like we're definitely not teaching it at school. So, I mean, this is why I love podcasts. And your podcast, you bring up all these topics that we just, the more we talk about it, the better we're going to feel. And then our sex is going to be better because we're going to be like, I'm not so shameful about it.

I can talk to my partner about it. Right. Hopefully you're with somebody that can also talk about it. Right. For sure. For sure. And that's always been like my mom's thing is starting to talk about it. Girls need information and adolescence and like, you know, especially when they're coming into this world where curiosities are flying and all this other stuff.

And so that's her belief is like, you're not teaching them the important things to her that sex. Well, it's true. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. How was your sex education? Like, I learned about, yeah, pregnancy. Like, don't get pregnant.

Here's how you, you know, your menstrual cycle and, like, don't have sex because you're going to get pregnant or get an STD or an STI. But, yeah, we don't teach anything about, like, pleasure and just consent and any of that. So it's like huge mystery. And the thing is, I don't know what it's like at your kid, at the Catholic school, but I don't think it's changed much. No. No, it hasn't.

No. So we're still walking around. Right. Yeah. And these young girls are curious. You know, you'll see them like their hands curious. Whatever. Kristen Bell spoke openly about, you know, that with like her kids.

And it is something. And to have the dialogue, I think, is so beneficial. You know what I mean? And it's not shameful. Two questions. Okay. Is there an age you think is appropriate? And also, like for me, I grew up.

also with a very open mom, but it made me kind of uncomfortable. Like, I didn't want to have those conversations with her. And so if it's not going to come from a parent, like, where should it come from? I guess it has to, right? And what age is appropriate and how? Because I know my mom would say things like, oh, well, did he put his finger in you? And I'd be like, stop it. It's too gross.

Yeah. It's tricky. It's so tricky. those are such good questions. I mean, like my mission is really just to kind of get people to change the way we are even having these conversations in America. So how, okay, so the only place that I can cite is doing this correctly and that works is in the frigging Netherlands. In the Netherlands, they start talking about sex to kids when they're like pre-verbal. They, and meaning, they're not like so, you know, this is how you use a condom.

I mean, they're literally like naming the parts. And there's no shame in it. They'll say, like, this is your toes and your knees and your vulva, vagina, your belly, but they're not like going, your hoo-ha or your y-ha. They're like, this is the name. They're naming the parts. And then they teach kids about consent. And that's like when they're very young.

And then maybe they're a little bit old, even like two to three years old if they're kids touching themselves, which is probably what you were referring to on their podcast. Because a lot of times, we don't even remember this. Our kids touching themselves, right? They put their hands on their pants and you're like, don't do that. That's wrong. Right. So sometimes these early messages are shameful.

We don't even remember that we did that, but we're like, you know, your grandparents are sitting there and you had your hand on your pants. So I told you not to do that. So it's all of these messages that build up. Now, if you go somewhere like the Netherlands, it's completely normal. It's okay. It's accepted. So maybe at that age, they would say, okay, you know, that's something that you might want

to do in your room or, you know, does that feel good? I know that feels good. Right now, we're eating dinner. So let's do that after dinner, right? Like, let's wait till we're not in the middle of the grocery aisle. That's dessert. Yeah. That's dessert.

Exactly, right? But we just automatically, so there's these little things that we do in our society that we don't even realize it, that we're shaming people. But since it's normalized in the Dutch countries, so they like talk about it. So then as the kids get older, they teach them about, like, feelings they might be having. Like, even in elementary school, they say, like, okay, you have a crush on, you know, Bobby. Like, this is what it's feeling in your body. And if you had to tingle in your genitals, they just have a way of normalizing it. They talk to kids about sex every single year in their health class.

And so parents at that age, too, they do talk about pregnancy and menstruation and all those things, but they also talk about pleasure and orgasm. So I remember hearing a story about a Dutch parent whose kids had sex for the first time, and they were like, how did it go? Did you feel good? Did you have pleasure? Did he take care of you? Like it was a very normal as a family talked about around the table.

Yeah. So there's a way that we almost have to like lambast America. Because I think kids still feel awkward about it now. You still felt awkward about it. Your kids might still feel awkward. But I think the more we do it and more regularly, I think that our kids will start to understand that it's not a one-time conversation, that even though your kids are like, ew, gross, mom, I don't want to hear you say it.

You're like, no, you are going to talk to me about it. But also, ideally there's peer educators, which I'm working on some programs for kids to kind of people able to train themselves. Like that would be ideal. But I think getting this education into our schools isn't really going to happen. So there's some other, you know, I think that just normalizing it with our kids and having conversations. I have a lot of episodes I've done on sex with Emily about this. But yeah, we're not there in America yet.

But I think that the solution is getting peers, the aunts, the cousins, the uncles, everyone just kind of talk about it. Right. Without shame. Yeah. To normalize it. And I think any age normalizing it. For sure. It is tricky because like if I see my, I have two boys.

And you know boys in their penises. And I don't want to say to them, don't do that. Like instinctually, I know that's wrong. I don't want them to feel like what they're doing is wrong. It's their body. It probably feels good. It's not a big deal. They're sitting there watching TV playing with their penis.

I would never be like, you need to stop. However, when someone else comes in the room is when I feel like, hey, you maybe not want to play with your penis in front of people. Yeah. You could say, I know that feels good. And it actually itself soothing. Like the reason why I put our hands on our pants, and again, it's more normalized for boys. Not that doesn't feel good for girls, but we like, think about how much we glorify, like,

men in their penises and masturbation, all that. But anyway, so that's why, but it's soothing. So they're soothing themselves and it feels good. So you could say to them, you know, I tell you when people come over when there's people in the other room, like you're in the room with us, it might be better just to kind of wait until you are in your bedroom for that because it's, I know that it feels good, but it can be kind of a distraction from the connection we're having with others. And it's good to soothe ourselves when we're like in our rooms by ourselves.

That's good. I could say that. That's great. Yeah. And then you might have to remind him a few times. I don't know about you, but any time I want to change a behavior, I need to be reminded of a few times. Like someone's like, can you remember to, you know, say this thing or close the door

or do this thing? So it's like, you know, it's not that they're disrespectful or just like, you know, you have to remind them a few times. And then they'll start to get it. And so that's how it starts. And also normalizing, like, masturbation and just saying, like, hey, you might be masturbating and, like, letting them know that's okay. And getting ahead of it. And, like, I know some parents who, like, give their kids tissues in their bathroom, give them lotions, give them, and say, like, you're going to start having these feelings and puberty and explaining to them what is.

Even if it's clunky and it's awkward, it's, it's better than saying nothing and letting them know to come to you if they, if they have questions. Right. It'll be a lot easier. It'll get a lot easier. Yeah, it's like a safe space for the... Exactly. Yeah. And they won't feel like you are...

Because otherwise, when they're left up with their own devices, right? Let's say they start to masturbate. Then they start to think like, well, no one's talking about it and maybe they saw porn. Remember, kids are seeing porn at like eight years old right now. No. Eight years old? That's what they're saying, eight or nine years old. I just saw something on Facebook that said that they're targeting porn to toddlers and stuff.

they make these videos with different characters that parents would glance over and think their kids are watching Spider-Man or whatever. But it's really sexually stimulation, whatever, you get what I mean? Yeah, stimulating. Yeah. What are your thoughts on porn? That's a good question. I mean, my thoughts on porn or that porn is, you know, can be really titillating and arousal.

You can learn things from it. You can definitely learn how maybe some things that might turn you on. I love watching it with a partner. I think that's great. I think the problem, I think porn without sex education, without any information around it, is where it's harmful.

Because many people think that porn is literally a blueprint for how we're supposed to be having sex. And it's not. Like they're cheating towards camera. They're scripts. It's not accurate. She's not really having an orgasm.

I'm like looking at the screen and going like, he's nowhere near her clinical. That doesn't actually feel good. And so I think that for young people, when they're thinking like, this is actually how you have sex. And the problem is there's not, again, enough information for how you actually do have sex. So they're like, okay, if that's not real, then what is real? That's where it's like education and talking about it's letting him know that there is a script there. So I think that's one thing.

But there is, you know, when sex becomes a problem and there's all this debate in the community, like, is porn addiction a thing? And they don't like using the word addiction. but here's the thing. If it's having an impact on your life and you feel like you can't get aroused without the porn, you know, it's hard for you to have sex with a human being when the porn's not playing in the background. You're not showing up for work on time. Like then porn's a problem.

So there's like a spectrum of porn watching. But I do think that, again, porn without accurate information is problematic. So that's my takes on it. But there's some good porn out there. There's like ethical porn. There's like audio erotica. And there's like other porn that's made like. by women.

Yeah. I know. Under the male gaze. Yes. And so that can be really hot and tiddling too. Just like listen to audio and to or define porn that's actually made with real bodies that are like your bodies and then have like porn with a plot, you know, with more of a, that could also be really, you know, arousing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think the education though behind it is super important. And just I think that I don't know, the age. when you start watching it and like you're saying, you know, when you have this idea and how it influences and, yeah, for sure, it can be problematic. And it brings up, so you touched on faking orgasms. So that is something that you used to do. Am I correct? Yep. That's it for a long time.

I talk about how I've never done that. I have never faked an orgasm. I know. And I'm like, am I an asshole? Because then I start to go into that people pleasing thing and like, Oh, am I just a dick? Because, like, I, you know, never gave them that. Yeah. It goes against my whole nature of being, like, a people pleaser and, like, putting the dude first. Broad Ideas is supported by Sundays for dogs. Sundays is healthy, air-dried dog food made from a short list of human-grade ingredients.

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Go to Hellofresh.com slash ideas 16 and use code ideas 16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping. That's hellofresh.com slash ideas 16 and code idea 16 for 16 for 16 for six for for HelloFresh America's number one meal kit. It's so funny. Yeah. No, I have a people pleaser. So I think that's why I always did it. That's so funny.

But that's amazing that you didn't cross that off that threshold. Yeah. For you. Well, I just, yeah. Well, I mean, because then you were real about it. You're like, I'm not having it. But I realized, yeah, so I did fake orgasms for a long time because I kind of thought, first off, okay, this goes back to all the lack of sex education and misinformation.

I literally thought that sex was supposed to happen with two people. Think of all the sex we see in movies. There's two people. They make out. There's maybe a little bit of foreplay. They fall into the bed. They roll over. They both have orgasms.

And it's all over in like five to seven minutes. And so I thought that that was how sex would happen. And I always thought when I was with partners that it was. taking too long that if they were like going down to me, I remember like staring at the clock and being like, okay, it's been five minutes now. It's been seven minutes now. I've been not knowing that it actually takes women anywhere between like 18 minutes and 40 minutes to orgasm with a partner. Therein lies the orgasm gap because you've a penis, it might take you anywhere between like eight and 12 minutes. So just everything we know about sex is just untrue and wrong and set up for

us for false expectations. I didn't even grow up with porn. So it was like, I don't. I didn't even, so I just thought it's not happening. Something's wrong with me. My partner seems happy, you know, when he orgasms. So that must mean that sex is great. That means sex was a success if my partner has one. My orgasms are not as important. So I'm just going to fake it.

Oh my God. Maybe I'll fake multiples. Right. But that statistic, I've never heard that. That's like mind blowing to me. Right. Yes. Right.

Yes. That's crazy. It's crazy. So if that is the truth, that's like the orgasm gap, that's literally, like, we're not even warmed up yet. We're not even ready to go yet. And then they're having orgasm. So that's why it's so important to like learn to like communicate.

Like it's like this holistic approach to sex realizing that like it's not going to happen just because you're rubbing my genitals. Like there's all these other things that come into play for you to have better, smarter sex essentially. So this is why I just wrote my book too. I've been talking about this for over 20 years. And I realized that that people tend to like compartmental. Like I said, they compartmentalize sex. They think of something's wrong with them. And I realize that people want like a quick fix and they want for their sexual problems. Like why can't like why people might fake orgasms. There's like a million reasons why. Right. But for each person I could decide like for me, I could like run through these sexual pillars that I just wrote about in my book and figure out like why was I faking it or why by like the biggest problems we have around sex or like sort of can we can solve them. Like we can fix our own sexual problems. But to go back to orgasms, that was a really big one. for me that like I thought that I was broken because I couldn't have one. I mean, what about you? Like, Rachel, you talked about not having one, but you weren't faking it. So what were you doing?

Well, no. I don't. Yeah, no, please. I was, was not able to have one like actual, like during actual penetration sex, you know, because it, and I know for a lot of women, some never do. It's a way harder orgasm to have. And that's what I was referring to. For me, you know, my first orgasm didn't come until I was probably 20 years old with a partner, you know, from him touching me. And it took a very long time. And it finally happened. And then it was like, okay, the floodgates have opened. And then it was like easier. But, but yeah, but from penetration, it's such like, it's such. And I was reading something that are like, people put that kind of orgasm on a pedestal because it's so much harder to achieve, you know. And, and that's what happened. So I just was, but it was, all it had to do,

with all it had to do with. Well, mostly it was about me and my body and being comfortable and figuring out like position and whatnot. And that's what it was. And yes. And they and and and it was so interesting because now I can. And that's different partners I've been able to. You have to learn right. But it's learning your body and exactly. Exactly. That's exactly it. Yeah. Exactly it. No, I love that you're saying that because the truth is only okay so the stats get kind of wonky here but only between like 25% of women say maybe 20 can orgasm with a partner during penetration so that's it I you were so they and ever like literally it's very rare it's really really low and so that's what and I thought yeah exactly I thought that

that's how everyone did but it turns out most can and it's good that you learn that eventually but I could on my own too but not with a partner so I was like you got to fake it but most women And I don't know about what you learn, like, we need more clitoral stimulation. We need more foreplay. We need to be aroused and turn on. So just learning to be with a partner that you can communicate that and say, like, I need to move this way. I need to.

Because like, like one of the greatest books written about sex, too, is she comes first by Ian Kerner. And I think he just has like 20th year anniversary of the book. But literally that whole notion of like, we just talked about the orgasm gap. Like, we know he's going to get there. Like, it's going to happen. It's going to feel good. He's going to have an orgasm.

But we're not necessarily going to unless we learn to figure out the steps that it's going to take for us to get there. So, you know, sounds like you did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I loved. I did. I did. I did do that. Good, right.

Yeah. But so have you, so not being able to with a partner. So you said you were your mid-30s and then, right? Is that correct? That's correct. I wasn't with a partner, but I did through masturbation. Right. And so what happened was, what happened was, I realized.

I realized, so I started this podcast literally then, and I started interviewing people and realizing that most people were like, either that, I knew that there was a small percentage of women. I thought it was like some kind of miraculous thing that they were able to do. And it was, and we do put these orgasms on a pedestal with the partner. But it turns out that it really has to do with our anatomy. And it's how, so this is the first thing I learned. That is how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening.

And so it's about an inch closer. Like, the closer it is, you're more likely to orgasm during penetration. I'm like, that's it. It's not some mystical thing. It's that doesn't mean, you know, it's literally your anatomy and your biology, how you were born. So that's one thing. So then I realized that, you know, I'm never going to, like, I'm not going to fake orgasms again.

I'm going to learn my own body. So that also when I started the show, what I learned was, is that I wasn't really masturbating that much. I was sort of thinking that if I always had partners, someone's the partner, like, I'm just going to, like, kind of figure it out. But the best, the best sexual knowledge I ever gained and what I learned the most of was by taking time to figure out my own body and what felt good. And so then I started experimenting with toys and with different fantasies and with porn and all the things.

And I realized like, oh, I know how to orgasm. It's just like learning my own body and my own like muscle memory. And then I realized like I need to like pump my pelvic floor like your keglet muscles, right, which are responsible for orgasm. I learned how to tense and relax those during sex. I learned what kind of clitoral stimulation I needed. So then I could tell my partner. is what felt good.

And so, like, that was my whole journey. And then being with guys where I was just like, I'm, I became just much more open to explaining to them, like, this path was that what I was on. And what was really fun is at the time that I was sort of having my sexual awakening doing the show. So in real time, I'd be like, I got this whole thing of toys that we need to try. Or like, let's go to a sex party tonight. Or, you know, compress.

Oh, I want to hear about that. My God, they're really fun. Sex parties are fun. I just went to one recently. I just went to one recently. Are you in a committed relationship currently? I am in a committed relationship. Okay.

Okay. And so that's something you guys do together. We did together. Tell us about it. Okay, I'll tell you all about it. Please. Please. So I did a podcast, sex with Emily, about going to sex party if you want to check

it out. But what happens? So there's these sex parties, right? And it was, it's really fun to get kind of titillated and go into a party that, first off, to go to a party where you have to be like, it's not just everyone can come to this party. You have to go through a process or being interviewed. You have to know that you are consenting to the rules, which is you have to ask for permission. You have to usually in these parties that I went to, it's couples and like committed couples and women, like single women.

And there's all different kinds of parties, right, for all genders, all sexual orientations. But the one that I went to, this was the jam. And couples who go to these parties tend to have really excellent communication. They talk to their partners about, you know, what they might be open to. Are you open to watch? Some of them just want to watch other people. It's kind of like their boardplay for the night. Or maybe they want to experiment with another woman or they want to be with another couple, you know, swapping, as we call it, or swinging.

And so there's all a different, you know, so the people go to these parties to actually get there, have to, like, go through a process of talking to the owners and filling out a form and making sure, you know, to be like there's a fee associated with it. And there's like a lot of the prep that goes into it, making sure that you are ready to go to a party. And there's no obligation because it's a sex party. There's like no obligation that you have to have sex, right? There's no one like, not like you walk in the door.

They're like, take your clothes off and get into this pile of people, these bodies here having like an orgy and having sex with them. So thank God there's no pressure there. And so, yeah, so this one that we went to was just sort of, And open, like, so the people who throw this party, it's called Kinky Rabbit. You can go to their website. And they have a process that people, so you go in. And the woman who runs it comes up with like different sexual themes.

So the one we went to was like midsummer night's dream, but it was all decorated like a dream or fairytale fantasy. And like they rent out a house in like, you know, the Hollywood Hills. And the dress coat is like sexy sleepwear. And you go in and you're wearing like sexy pajamas or whatever you. want. And there's a little show where people are, I don't know, like in all different stages of undress or they're doing, you know, there's just some, you know, there's like a shabari rope tire. There's like all these different props in different corners of like, there's a room of sex toys. There is a room of like people being like tied up if you want to learn to like tie your partner up

or someone doing rope tie and there's, you know. So at the beginning of the night, people, it's like a regular party. People are drinking and getting to know each other. And then like an hour or two goes on and you realize, like, it starts at 10 or 11, and then it goes to like four in the morning. And you walk into different areas. And then there's, yeah, groups of people like having sex together. And it's like no thing. You're just like, it's an open thing. Do you guys share people or do you just? We didn't. So we, people do. We didn't in this party. But we would be open to it for sure. But we, we didn't at this particular time. But we have talked about the fact that we would be open to experimenting and playing. But really for us, for this time that we're at in my life

with my partner, it was just really hot to see any other couples and to watch it and to see. And it's kind of like watching real live porn and then going home and being in your house. And it's kind of like a really hot experience for us. And I could see maybe we're in a really healthy place. I think I would never be in relationships like I was in the past where I Here's a thing. Every relationship, I think, is going to have jealousy. They're going to go through periods where you're really hot and turn on. Like, we all have the honeymoon phase. And then you've periods of time where you might want other things to keep it interesting and sexy. And so I know that this is something that we would, you know, be open to at some times in our life.

And so just to even know that sometimes to know that, like, if that would turn him on to, like, see me with somebody else or I'd want him to, like, we could go there. And sometimes even just the act of talking about it, we have this thing on my site called the yes, no maybe list. And so this has been like a game changer for us and for many couples. And it lists like 80 different sex acts and different things that you might want to try. Because I think for couples sometimes they get stuck in knowing what they want to try or what to do. You're like, we're doing missionary sex every single night. And it's so boring.

It's the same thing over and over again. And so this list like kissing, spanking, watching other people have sex, going to a sex party, using your dirty talk. And then it's a yes and no. Or it's maybe. And my couple, my partner and I, like, filled this out. We realized, like, we were mostly yeses. We were like, weep it down. I'm like, I love you.

This is awesome. Okay, so this is, yes. So this party came up. They were friends and friends. I was like, let's go. Let's go and see what happens. And I can't tell you how for like days after, weeks after we were like talking about the party.

I had them on my show and we like talked about the experience. And it's like, listen, what most people are craving in long-term relationships are novelty. They're craving something new and different. Like it could be literally a bottle of loop. It could be a toy. It could be we went to a sex party. We watched a new kind of porn. They're also craving spontaneity.

We're craving something like we didn't know the sex was going to happen and it happened. I've interviewed so many people about like what's the most memorable time you have sex? And it's usually when they didn't think the sex was going to happen. They were on vacation. There was just something new and spontaneous. And the other thing is like variety. Like we're not having sex in the bedroom every night, but sometimes we're having it in the living room or we're you know, trying various different positions and things.

Because just like anything, if you had the same meal every single night, that's going to get a little stale and boring. And if you agree that sex is something to be prioritized and that's important, we've got to find ways to keep it hot and interesting. What if you're good with what you've got going on? Do you think that that's healthy or do you think that you should always be striving for more? Because like, I hear all that and I'm like, oh, that sounds exhausting. It is exhausting. It can't be exhausting for sure.

Right. And I'm like, I feel like I'm great with like the regular, like I would lose my mind. I could never do it. I could never go to a sex partner party. I could, but not with my husband. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like if I was with friends, I could go. I don't talk about this that much. It's a whole thing. So I'm not like going to sex parties. It's new for you. Totally new. I went 20 years ago when I was starting the show. So no. So people,

because people are always like, oh, do we need to talk? Emily, is this a new thing? Because I never. So this is the first time I've talked about it besides on my show a few weeks ago when I had the founders this party on.

But no, this is not our jam. We don't do this all the time. This is not like another. But we just thought like, let's just try it and see what happens. And a lot came up for us. It was like it was good learning to it.

But no, Olivia, answer your question. If you're both good with the sex you're having, like, that's amazing. I'm just giving like that's an extreme version of like most couples just need to like talk about it what turned you on when is a

good time today to have sex if we're not having it what most couples have to work on is like are we having it enough that we both feel good and connected right are we having enough that we're getting our needs met like do we have it as many times a week as we need to are we interested in are we both having orgasms however that is maybe it's mutual masturbation like you know there's a lot of different ways so yes you're fine you're so good. I'm just going to like, we just start at the sex parties, but like most people, though, realize that like after a while, they just want to, you know, sometimes it's even just

troubleshooting. Like, what if we get to a point where it's not good? What can we do to continue to feel like this is a safe relationship and open space to talk about it? Right. Yeah, which is amazing. And I feel like there's part of me that is like, I wish I could be more open, you know, but then when I think of my husband,

I get like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, which is great. Yeah. Have you guys talked about it before? About, I remember when we first met, I asked him, I think he would be open to all of it. Like, when we first met, I remember asking him, like, have you ever been in an orgy or would you want to? And he was like, of course I'd want to. And he was like, you? And I was like, no, you know?

And then he like went to Burning Man and I was like, oh no, he's like having a bunch of orgies there. You know? But like I think he would absolutely be way more open than I am. And I think if I was single I would be, it's just for some reason I'm like protective of him. Possessive. Yeah. I get it. Possessive. Yeah.

They've been together a long time. Ten years. What are you at? Ten years. A long time. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

What are your thoughts on open relationships? Oh, it's so funny you say that. So I was writing this book. So my book is coming out, is out smart sex. And I was writing the book. And I realized in the last chapter, it was like already late because I'm late with things. And I thought, I've got to add a chapter about open relationships and consensual non-monogamy because I feel that right now it is having a moment. They've been around for a long time.

But there's more of people who are curious about it. They're more open. And so I think, again, people I know who are in consensual, non-monogamous or open relationships, it's not for everybody, but then again, neither is monogamy, right? So for monogamy, sometimes people are like, oh, no, it just doesn't work. We know that we want variety. We know that we need something else. And so I think that this notion that it's just for people who are like sex addicts or

they don't have great relationships with each other, like they're doing it to spice it up, like, that's wrong. Like if someone's going into an open relationship because they're like, we want to spice it up, That's a terrible reason. But couples who have really excellent communication and they really have a great, really strong foundation and they've done work where they say, you know, I love the sex we're happy. I feel really safe with each other.

But we have these, I have a fantasy. Maybe hopefully both of them feel like it would be really hot to see you with somebody else, to have sex in public, to swap with another couple. Like let's, you know, let's try that out. and the couples I know who are successful at this, it's not a rash decision. They've talked about it. Maybe they dirty talked it in the bedroom

where they're like, hey, babe, right now, I'm picturing somebody else going down on you or we're walking into you. They go through all these scenarios and they actually really put themselves in the situation. They set boundaries. They set rules ahead of time. Those couples are very, they, it's successful and it works, you know.

So I think for the couples who are fighting that like, monogamy isn't going to work for them, that they, you know, maybe they see a therapist or they set boundaries and rules that can work for many people. Right. What do you guys think about it? What's your take on it? It's hard.

Like, I'm not in like a long-term relationship right now. And I know when I have been in the past, like I don't think I want to share my partner. But I do remember saying like, you know, maybe for your 50th birthday, if that's something you need to explore. And I want to believe that I would be open to that if the trust and, you know, the security and the safety is there. You know. Exactly.

I want to believe that I can be open-minded like that, but I also know that I can be. Olivia's like, shaking her head. She's like, you won't do that. Yes. It's trust, though. It's trust. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if you're in a relationship where you are worried that your partner's cheating or you don't feel great about your own sex life right now, which let's be honest, I don't know, even for me, it ebbs and flows. Like, there's times where I'm not in the mood. Just because it's my job, I've made this my job because I know that sex can be hard sometimes, and sometimes I need to work on it, too. always in the mood and I've got to figure it out how I can get there because I know it's important. But yeah, like to be open, you have to be like, we trust each other, we've gone there, we've talked about sex, we've talked about awkward things, we know how to turn each other on. And literally this is just a part of expanding our sexual repertoire because we know that we can go there with each other.

But if you at any way or like, you know, my partner wants it, but I don't want it, like, that's a terrible reason to get into something open or to play around. And it's certainly not for everybody. But when you look at the divorce rate and you look at how many couples are silently suffering through monogamy, you know, I just like to give people options that here's some other ways you can play. Right. And there's so many different versions of it too, right? Yeah.

I think, too, people are made different. Like, I don't think it's a one-size-all, you know, approach. I think that there's certain people that have the Constitution to be able to do that. And there's certain people that don't just like monogamy. I think it's the same exact thing. So, like, I think people can do it. I've actually seen a couple that opened up their relationship quite a few times, and they're still together, and it's like a successful marriage.

But they both felt the same way. And I think that that's the key. If you have one that's like, like, I was telling Rachel, we were talking earlier today because that's all we do is talk. And I said to her today, I was like, Like, I think I'm one of those people that's a thousand percent capable of going my whole life without cheating. Like, I feel like that's my truth, right? And then there's other people that don't.

But, like, I think it can work. Absolutely. I mean, and I do think it's a personality type. And they've actually shown this, too, that there's certain personality traits that are more akin to cheating or they're more likely to cheat or more likely, like, the impulse control. If you have ADD, if you have other, like, on the personality. these spectrums, those people will be more likely to cheat, right? And I think we know who they're. I don't know about you guys. I've dated so many, like, guys. I've been in so many different kinds of relationships. Like, I have not, like, I'm not your traditional person either. Like, I really was

not set up to be in the traditional structure of marriage and family and all that. However, I've gone out with lots of guys. And I know, I can tell you the ones. I was like, he would definitely cheat. He would not. And we've all been at, right, like, you know right away. Like, I remember, like, oh, God, I talk about him, we'll call him Mike in the book. Like, He was the guy that I love Mike. Like I wasn't living in San Francisco. He was in L.A. And I knew like every weekend.

Like he was at parties and going to the clubs. I'm like, he for sure was that guy and wasn't doing anything to make me feel safer in it. But I liked him for all the bunch of other reasons. But what I realized is I got older is like it's huge to me to feel safe with somebody. Like I need that. I need to be able to feel safe. Like I know that my partner would never.

I just know that he wouldn't. I just know. I'd not explain it. Right. You just know. And I actually would put that out to your listeners. Like, about it for a minute. Are you dating someone right now? Like if you close your eyes, like,

is it the hell yes or hell no, would this person cheat? And I think if you think that they might, that might be a really interesting place to go a little bit deeper right now in your relationship and think about like, is that real? Is that my worry? Is it fear? Is it based on like my mother cheated on my father? Or is it your last partner cheated or is that like a deep insecurity, like something that you're working on yourself? I just think it's an interesting place. But I like what you're saying because like you know you're not. I'm, I, okay, but here's other thing, I am a reform cheater, so I used to cheat. Oh, I want to know what your thoughts are on that.

So, but now I'm not. So, okay, I hadn't thought about this before. I love this. I was a cheater in my 20s. I, again, was like this kind of like, I just can't imagine being with one person for the rest of my life. And I would get in these relationships with men. And I thought, I'm with you for a year, year and a half.

And then there would start to be a problem with a lot of times with the sex life. I wasn't as attracted to him anymore. I wasn't having orgasms, as we've already established, blaming them, which definitely wasn't their fault. I know, Rachel, you said that too. Yeah. All your quotes came out about it. It wasn't their fault.

No, it had nothing to do with them. They were great men. I dated the nicest, mostly very kind men. I just didn't know that I could like ask for what I want. And then I was like, okay, well, here's somebody else, this bright, shiny out person. And like, then they're going to make it better, right? And then I would go out with that person. I would cheat.

And then I would end that relationship. And I'd go with someone else. And I kept trying to go from one relationship to the next. And then I realized in my 30s, when I got in my 30s, I thought, you know what? I don't want to be going from a relationship. But this doesn't feel good. I actually want to be with somebody where I don't want to cheat because this just feels awful. And I never got caught.

I think it was always like towards the end or whatever. It doesn't really matter, but it's all bad. And I thought, I'm going to take time to be really honest with people I'm dating. And I'm going to say that I'm like, I'm actually not going to commit right now. I'm dating a few people. So I sort of practice being more like dating. an open way and being really honest because I thought, you know, this doesn't feel good to not be, I guess, realistic, honest and open. And I thought a great way to learn about my own body, my own

sexuality. And I had, this is probably about the time I was starting to show. I thought, I'm just going to practice everything that I'm learning in a real relationship. And I thought, I want to learn to make great sex last with somebody. And that's what I was really focused on. And I realized I didn't need another person to make me feel hot or whatever the reasons I was treating on. So I decided, I'm not going to be with someone if I have that urge to cheat because that doesn't feel good. So I made a conscious effort to not be a cheater. And now I would never, never cheat again. But I did it.

Once a cheater is always a cheater, you've proven wrong. Yeah, exactly. And I think, again, because I did the work, I, like, drilled down. I wanted attention from men. It made me feel really good. I, like, lost my father when I was younger. It was, like, tied into daddy issues. She was like, let's be honest.

Therapy has been a huge part of my journey. And I think we can all change our behaviors. We can change our dating behaviors. we can change how we are in the bedroom. So many things if you commit to, you know, therapy. And I think it's not just people like, oh, I went a few times. I didn't like it. It's a practice.

It's going like once a week for a year. Sometimes twice a week. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. We're never done. I've been going through stuff lately, called my therapist, you know, back at it.

So I think for me really realizing what it was that was making me cheat, not wanting to commit all the sex stuff. I sort of was able to figure that out. and then not a cheater to date. I love that. I love that. Broad Ideas is supported by OptaGreens 50 from First Form. OptaGreens 50 is a precisely formulated green superfood powder meant for overall immune system support and digestive health.

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confidence. Now here's the exciting part. You can get 20% off with your exclusive code ideas at calderaLab.com. That's 20% off at caldera lab.com by using code ideas. Give the gift of skincare to the man in your life to make father's time a thing in the past with Caldera Lab. You know, when you were saying earlier, I can relate to growing up in a household where there was infidelity and then taking that into my own relationships as I got older, like my first serious relationship. It was high school, but it was my first serious relationship. I was cheated on, you know, a lot. And so it kind of put it in me that I was always thinking it was going to happen, you know, like always, no matter what. Like, oh, I have to check the phone. I know something's going on. And I'm like, how can I differentiate

what's real and what's just fear because of what I've been through and what I grew up with? Exactly. And it's so hard and it's taken so much to like to look at what's actually like your intuition and what's fear. And Olivia talks to me about this all the time because most of the time it's just fear and it's not real. But sometimes when it is, I always know. Exactly. That's your intuition. Right. Right. Because because the difference is when you're in your head and you're in fear, that's not your intuition. But when you get those gut feelings like I just know. Yeah, and I always do. Yeah, you do always. I do. Yeah. Yeah.

You're checking the phone because sometimes there was something that happened that didn't match up or didn't add up. And if you're with like a trusting partner, they'd be like, okay, I get why you check the phone, but that's, you know, not the case or that is the case. Right. And it's not in every relation. It's not like all the time. But, you know, there's just certain instances. I think a woman's intuition, like if you're in touch with that and in tune with it, there's nothing stronger as far as I'm concerned with what I've lived through. No, you're absolutely.

I'm so with you. I call it this. Okay, this is the first time I've talked about this as well, but this is what I've realized. Okay, hear me out. When there's something and you're not sure, like, is this a yes or is it no? Like, you say hell yes or hell no. It's like, is it a vagina blast or vagina cleanse? Like, you tune in to your pelvic floor and your pelvic floor will tell you

whether you're deciding that I want to buy this shirt, do I want to be with this partner, do I want to go on this trip? And you're like, what? Like, let me tune in. is this a vagina blessed or is my vagina cleansing? That is the power source. Like, you're so right. Oh my God.

Yeah. My mom would not agree with you more. Your mom would. I mean, she's that. Am I like your mother right now? I'm telling you though, but I want people to be like that we know women know and honing into that because I think I've had to work on that too not trusting myself, not trusting my God, turning against myself.

And when I think about it that way, I'm like, is this a full body yes or a full body? No, it's bed me down better path. Right. Yeah. No, but my mom's always been like, you know, the vagina, like literally you, life passes through and comes through and out, you know, in most cases, unless you're a C-section. But like, you know, you travel out. Like, it's just like the most powerful thing.

You know, another thing she told us, which I never realized was that there isn't actually a G-spot inside for women. Is that true? Well, there's a G-area, as I call it. We could talk about that. There's a G-area. There's internal clitoral nerve endings. And there's been all this debate about does the G spot exist?

Does it not? I just say do some exploring. And there is like, or some people call it the female prostate. Yes. There is an area, though, that it helps when you have a clitoral orgasm first. And there's an area about an inch and a half inside your vaginal opening. And when you're more aroused around, there's like an area where you can feel it's a little bit raised, like a kind of has like a rougher texture, like a peach pit or something. And you feel that start to swell.

And then if you apply pressure to that area, you can have, you know, orgasms, more pleasure. Some people, that's where you squirt, if you wonder what's squirting. Yeah, can we talk about squirting? Yes, we can. So there's a debate that it's just pee. Is that true? There are traces of urine in it, for sure. It's the periorethal glands that are close to the urethra.

And when they've done these studies, they have shown that there's urine in it. A lot of it is urine. Some of the traces of urine, say partial urine. but they have also done studies where people, women, empty their bladders completely, and then they have sex, and then they emit fluids, and it turns out those fluids,

it has like prostate, prosthetic fluid in it, which is similar to that, which is now this to when men ejaculate. So ejaculation is a different substance, for sure, but with urine it. And the problem with freaking squirting is that we're so caught up in what it is that some people are grossed out by it, or they shame themselves,

or there's all this pressure to do it because of porn now. No one was asking about squirting, like 15 years ago, but since porn has been in our hand, everyone's like, what is squirting? So it's by direct stimulation to internally, to that G area, and you apply the pressure there, and it's not like a fast in and now, but it's like a pressure. And again, it helps to already be aroused and turn on, and then you can emit fluid that way you might ejaculate. So here's the thing I also want to say is that I think that every woman could pretty much

learn to do it. That's what I was going to ask. Yeah. You can learn to do it. I just want to say this also. And we have a great episode about squirting. It's probably one of our, it's so funny. Like, probably one of our top downloaded episodes because you're like, what the hell is it?

And I had this woman who's like been teaching since the 70s. And she's like, the squirting expert, Deborah Sundahl. I wrote a book on it. And I was like, I brought it. And she's like, never had a podcast. It was like, you've got to talk about like your research on squirting. So she explains it all. But the thing is, is that it can feel really great.

It can be a great release. But you can, so for women, I want. you know, you can squirt and have an orgasm at the same time. You can squirt without orgasm. So for some moment, just like a release, but it's not necessarily related to orgasm. It's really just related to pressure. That is interesting. And anyone can do it?

I think anyone can do it with practice, but also I don't want anyone to feel pressured because I think I'm hearing from a lot of women now who might feel pressure to perform because of porn. And the party is like, can you squirt like that? Can you do this thing? Can you shoot it across the room? And then there's like, it's another thing I got to do. Right.

Right. It's another thing I got to do. Yeah, but I know it's a thing that like some people are like super into it and it's a fetish and they like it. Or there's other people that are like, it's a mess and everything gets wet. Exactly. There's everything there. And the thing about sex too, like, is it your, is it not? Part of me is like, so what? Like if it is, you're like, throw a towel down and. Right. Yeah. Be prepared. Sex is messy. Be prepared. But yeah, it is a very like common question right now for women. But I think, yeah, have fun with it. If you do, How do you feel about sex on your period? I feel good about it. I feel like for some women, again, listen, there's like bio-individuality, right? We are all so different that like I always, this is just what I think when you ask like my philosophy around sex is like, we're all so different, just explore what feels good. So for me, yeah, like maybe the first day by period I don't want. Yeah, not so much.

But yeah, I think it's, you throw down a towel and it's totally fine and it's safe, it's healthy, But for some, they're like, no, that's just my week, my time. I don't want to do it. But I'm okay with it. Do you find it a turnoff if a man isn't into that? I have historically. I have to say, I've been shamed. I remember dating, God, I remember dating a guy who, like, turns out he was a little

OCD, so, like, my heart goes, it's not easy being, like, having these kind of things. And that was probably a nightmare for him when he was, like, a clean freak. And we had sex, and there was, like, blood everywhere, right? So, like, sex is over. And he, like, jump. I still remember his butt. Like, I can see his butt, like, leaving the bedroom and jumping into the shower. I'm like, oh, my God, he's horrified.

And he's like, we got to get into the shower fast and, like, took the sheets off the bed. It was like, you know, and he was like horrified. It's like, here's the thing about women. I just want to say, like, that was like an extreme example. So that didn't feel good because I felt shame for it. I'm like, I didn't know it was about to have my period and it happened. And I don't want to feel shame in any way. But again, the way it's in our society, I can see, like, it's just not for everybody.

But I would definitely want to mean my partners of late. are very, and my partner, they're open. They're like, it's cool, like whatever, whatever you want to do. And I think that that comes with maturity. Yeah. I think the guys who've been with a lot of women realize, like, that's going to happen. Every month. And it's part of sex. Sex is beautiful and messy and dirty sometimes. And we make noises and it's awkward. We make funny faces. And that's part of the beauty and the pleasure in it, too. Right. There's so many things, you know, that come along with sex. And I I feel like women, feel like we have to deal with more of the embarrassing shit. Well, but if you think about it, so this is what I talk about, the things that's keeping

us from sex are these pleasure thieves, right? It's like stress, trauma, and shame. These are the things that's preventing us from having great sex, whatever that looks like to you. It doesn't have to be orgasm. It can just be connection. But when we're in our heads and we're so worried, like, I'm going to make a noise, I'm going to squirt.

I'm going to do something that's weird or not sexy or not hot, and then I'm going to be shame for it. that fear completely takes over and then we can't calm our nervous system and get into the mood for sex and even feel our way towards arousal because we have all this shame. So if we can just by talk, so I love that you're talking about it and I love that you're having me on to really go there because I think it's, I just want to tell people that on the other side of shame and the other side of worry and fear is your pleasure. Right. And pleasure is like, pleasure is so important, especially, you know, now, I think that we put conditions on pleasure.

Like, I only deserve pleasure. Whatever pleasure is, I have to be sex. It could be I deserve dessert or I deserve to hang out with a friend or go work out or whatever those things that give you shopping. Once I achieve something, then I can have more pleasure. But the truth is, pleasure is productive. The more pleasure we have in our life, the more productive we're going to feel, we're going to feel better because even if you give yourself an orgasm, you have a serotonin

rush, dopamine, you have all these feel-good hormones that are going to to make you feel better and then help you propel you for the next thing. So I think once we can examine our own relationship to sex and to pleasure and sort of release what's not serving us and bring in what feels good and prioritize it, we're going to have much more pleasurable, productive lives. Right. I've always been a person that, like I said before, the people pleasing, like whatever, like if a guy goes down on me, I'm instantly like, oh, this is taking too long and like, oh, they're down there. And okay, no, enough enough. Let's just have sex. like, you know, that constant just pressure of like, this isn't going to happen or if it is going to

happen, it's going to take way too long. And I feel like, I think there are women that do that. And it's like, how do you break out of that and be like either comfortable or, you know. That's exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I think you just, that's, that's, that's, that's was my problem too. I think I'm making sure that I'm with a partner who I'll say to them like this is going to, you know, this is, I, this is going to take a bit. And I, what I advise people. who are going down on women, the best thing that you can say is, I'm not going anywhere. We have all night. Right.

Just because you're relaxed. And then even if it doesn't take all night, at least you'll get there because you're calm, right? I know that you're in it and you want to do it because what's going through, I don't about you, it was going through my head was like, do I smell? Do they not want to be here? Is this something that they're just trying to get finished with so they could just penetrate me? Because those are all the things. If we already covered that most women aren't going to orgasm from penis at all, usually

it's from a mouth, fingers or toys. That's how we're going to have the most pleasure. I just literally want to buy a billboard that says that. I would love them to go to the board that just like tell people that. So we don't feel shame. So kind of just knowing that that's a requirement, I think it would allow us to feel much more safer and being with partners who are like, I am down. Like I want to do what makes you feel good. Right. It's important. That's the biggest. That's how I got more. Right. The biggest key. Safe with it. For sure. Yeah, the key. And also realizing the other thing that I love is that knowing that sex doesn't have to be as like linear or is like I think the problem is when we think that we both have to come and we both have to have all

these things like what if there's a night where like my partner is just going down on me right and then we go to dinner and maybe the next night I go down on him or we have sex together or we whatever it is like it doesn't knowing that we both are there for each other we both want each other and you know that I'll be here tomorrow I got you tomorrow it's like we've unlimited potential for pleasure and we can make space and time and our schedules. And so just kind of have it again, again, it's that open dialogue with a partner. And also when we reject sex, for example, if I'm saying like, you know what, not tonight, not in the mood. But this weekend, my schedule is way more open. I think Saturday night, you should make some time. We should

have a date night. We should get a babysitter. Because then your partner's not feeling rejected either. And you're saying, I don't want it right now, but I do want it later. Or this is where it might happen. So you're not just, you know, I don't know, it's all about the communication expectations and opening. I have a question. Yes. Do you get sick of talking about sex ever? Do I get sick of talking about it? Sometimes I get, well, I, here's what happened.

I love that you ask this question because, okay, to be honest, after 20 years, I was like, I can't believe every single day there's a woman who has an orgasm. Who's still faking orgasm. Every single day, there was a man who's shameful about his penis. Every day, there's somebody, and it's the same five questions. I can tell you that there's a million questions, but they all root from these same five questions. And so honestly, that's why I just, I was writing this book. I got a great book deal from Harper Collins.

I'm writing a book. They're like, we just want you to write a book, your top tips. And I'm writing the book. And I realized like, oh, my God, how could I help people? Because I can't answer every question anymore. I don't even, like, I've said it. How do I help? So I actually wrote, in the middle of the book, I got a fucking channel from the universe that

was like, you got to help people. and I saw these five pillars, and I called it sex IQ of sexual intelligence. And it was the five pillars that people can now go in there and they can look at why they can't have an orgasm, what to do about their self-confidence, why they're not aroused and turned on for sex, how to ask their partner to get what they want, because let's say the three of us here, okay, Olivia, Rachel, as myself, let's say the three of us couldn't have an orgasm tonight. We tried to have sex and we couldn't have an orgasm. There would be different reasons why, right?

So for me, I might look at my five pillars and these are the five pillars of sex IQ that are in my book and I have a sex IQ quiz that people can go and realize it. And I can diagnose myself, if you will. I can say, okay, one of the reasons is because one of the pillars is communication or collaboration. I'm resentful to my partner. I'm so mad at him that he didn't show up this week when he said it was going to. I'm having resentment. So my body is shut down and I need to talk to him about this thing. And that's why I can't have an orgasm. For one of you, it might be because you're on a medication right now. And maybe you're taking some kind of medication that's impacting your ability to be. That's why you can't have an orgasm. And one of you all,

because you're really, like, stressed out or you haven't been moving your body. And it's a blood flow thing. So there's five pillars that we can go through. And I do this all the time. I'll look at my, I have my phone. I have the five pillars. I have my notes app. And I'll run through all of them to know why, because it's really about my overall wellness, too. If it's impacting my sex life, it's probably impacting my work, my friendships, my ability to show up in other areas, but I help people decode that. So dance, you're quite, well, it was a lot to talk about sex after all this time. I'm super excited now that everyone can have sexual intelligence in their own hand so they can kind of figure it out and troubleshoot so we can all better sex. I love that.

Yeah. And it reminds me of, because I'm in AA and people will be like, well, you haven't drank in 12 and a half years. Like, why do you have to go to those meetings and don't you get sick of talking about it? And it's like the reason we do it is for the one person in the room that needs to hear what we have to say. Exactly. And someone needs to hear it every day. Every day. God, I love it. I love it.

I love the 12 steps for everything. I think that that is so frigging healing. Yep, every day you go back. So I think that's it. I mean, thank you for sharing that because it's like you, well, I get, I feel like every day there's somebody who needs to hear the stories. That's exactly it. And so that's why I've done thousands and thousands of podcasts and the different ways

you say, you need to hear things enough that it finally sinks in. Like maybe right now that we're talking about this, maybe Rachel, even you saying like you haven't had your orgasms or you have challenges. with your partner, someone's going, oh my God, me too, and I want to be empowered, and I want to ask for pleasure, and I'm going to not fake it anymore, I'm going to start asking for what I want, or I'm going to figure it out because they've been through this as well. And I also know the thing that gets me up every morning is that it's still shameful, that it's still taboo in most places.

Most people have not talked to their partners about sex. So if I can get more people to do that and to feel safe, be either buying the book or listening to a podcast or listening to your podcast, that just that's why I'm up in the morning. That's what it's about. And you're giving the tools too, which is, you know, when you're looking at all these things, like your pillars that you have in your book. And it's, I think that's so helpful because when people can actually pin it to things and then you have a better understanding. Exactly.

Exactly. It's so liberating. Right. We think that the bedroom is this isolated thing. Like if you've been walking around all day, you're like, I hate my body. I'm mad at my partner. I'm sluggish. I'm tired.

And then we think I should get into the bedroom. and I should feel like a sexy goddess. I should feel in my body and I should be able to have orgasms and do tricks. It's like, why? It's not an isolated, you know, it's not an isolated incident. Like it's not disconnected from everything you've done all day. So I want to set people up for success, whether they're in the bedroom or outside the bedroom. Right. Yeah.

And I think I like the, you know, in long terms, and I know, Olivia, you were saying, like you don't need it or whatever, but just switching it up and trying new things and being open. And I know I've always been like that in long-term relationships where it'll be like, okay, I'm going to wear something and I'm on a strip and I'm going to do, you know, like all, but it again, maybe people pleasing. I don't know. But like it is something that I think, because one of our questions we do like to ask is like, how do you keep it fresh in long-term relationships?

And I think that does speak to all of that of just like, and like you said, it can be as simple as like, here's a lube. And even like bringing toys into the bedroom, like I didn't have. a vibrator until I was in my mid-30s. Like, I hadn't even tried a toy until it was, it was given to me as a gift. And it was like, oh, well, this is easy. He's sort of like, yeah, it's a sure thing. Yeah. You're like, well, hold on. Like, I didn't have this for so long, but then introducing that, but introducing it into the bedroom, I think that there can be certain types of situations in men where men feel either threatened by it or, you know, like they can't perform. But I feel like,

Do you find, what are the red flags for you in dating with sex? Well, I think, I think, well, first off, yeah, I think that toys can be a game changer. I mean, think about, first of all, with toys is that our bodies are covered in nerve endings. And the reason why toys feel good, it's not like a replacement. People do, there are some men who feel threatened by toys. Like, it's going to replace me. It's like, a toy is not going to cuddle. Like, it doesn't take you to the farmer's market on Sunday.

Like, it's not going to replace you. Okay, first off. But it is, it is just another way. Like, it's, first of all, it's the sure thing. it's going to be of deep internal nerve endings that are not going to be able to be stimulated by a penis or fingers at all. That's the other thing. And that kind of like, but you can be an inclusive thing that you use with a partner.

And so what I would say to men who do feel threatened by what I've done too with partners, like I always use toys. I love using toys. I love using them. My partner is I'll say, look, I got this new toy. And here's the other thing. I think that there was this fear that for a lot of men that the toy is like this big phallic object that's going to like, again, like that's bigger than their penis. And first off, if you do

have a big phallic vibrator, that's awesome. I probably wouldn't use that one the first time you're with the partner. But they're like little, they're like little things that fit in the palm of your hand and vibrate. And I'll just say, look, look, I got this vibrator and look how cool is. And then I'll grab them, right? Like if we're naked and I'll rub it on their shaft or on their balls or on their chest and show them. Like, oh, yeah, that feels good. Because vibrations and warming sensations and all these things feel good. They're like, oh, yeah, that's really cool. And I'll show them how I use it on myself.

I use it on them. I'll go back and forth. And then usually it's like, they're like, they see what it does. I can have multiple orgasms with it. They have orgasms and pleasure with it. And they're happy. And they're like, let's bring that toy along with us. So I think it's the fear of the unknown.

And they're like, this toy is going to be this scary thing. And then when it's not, and they just realize like, oh, that made it a lot easier. We both had pleasure. or you had orgasms in a record time and you seem happy. Yeah, they should be happy. You're like, let's work for me. Exactly. I don't love them.

But that's, you know why? I think it makes me orgasm too quick. Yeah, that's real too. I like to be able to work for it a little bit because I'm a little bit like what they say about men. It's like once you have the orgasm, they roll over and they're done. That's how I am. Once I have an orgasm, I'm done.

So I don't want it to have. happen that quick. Which is a little... A little different. You know that you're going to get there. So you have an organ, you know how to do. I do. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So for me, toys are like, it's too fast. Yeah. Though that makes sense. Absolutely. And that is... See, so I would say that's the case for many, many women. I don't even know what the percentage.

I wouldn't even say a half, but 20, 30, 40 percent are like, no. And some women don't like oral sex, too, because they're really, really sensitive. Right. I found that the women who have multiple orgasms during penetration, there are women like that. Typically, they don't like oral sex because their clitoris is really sensitive, which means it just has a ton of nerve endings. Which is why they're more likely to orgasm during penetration. So it's like nothing I speak about is universal for everybody, of course. But I love that you know, that you know that you know that.

And as you were explaining that, you know what I was thinking? I was like, she must be great in fucking bad. Yes. I should tell my partner to come in here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like,

wedded. Yeah. It was so much fun. But you say, bring him in? Oh, no. He's in the room. You're like, yeah, bring him. No, but do you ever, do you feel pressure that like, because you're such an expert that you

have to be the best they've ever had? I have felt pressure. I have. Early on, I think I felt pressure like, oh, God, because first off, but here's the thing you've to understand. Like, I'm a nice girl. Like, I'm not saying there with like a bullhorn being like, to the left, to the right. Like, that's not my clitoris.

What are you doing? So I'm not that, but there is pressure. that is like I've got it. But the truth is, um, the reason why I am a great lover and the reason why I have confidence is because I'm present, I talk about sex and I'm open and I pay attention.

And I honestly think that those are the secret ingredients for everybody to be great in bed. If you are open to communicating about it with your partner without shame, you can, you know, I think the shame or learning to manage your shame and your stress and you're all that stuff. And you could openly say like how, like, for example, partner be like he'll come up to me in the bathroom we're getting ready for bed and he like kisses me I'm like babe I can't have said I'll be real I'm like uh I fuck I adore you I'm not gonna be able to have sex night but like I can't wait for this like I'll just call it right so in the moment there's not this

weird thing that's going to happen so I know how to talk about it right but when it does happen I also know that he knows that I can't have the lights I bought candles not the overhead light the room has to be warm not cold on a cold night heater I'll turn on the space heater my toys have to be charge. The lobe has to be in the nightstand. The lights have to be off in the house. We have closed down the house. Like, I have figured out how to reverse engineer my arousal. So I know all the things that need to happen to make me a great lover in bed. So I know how to talk about it. I know how all the things that I'll need present for it to happen. And I know how to be present with my partner for what they want. So to me, those are all the things that make a great lover.

And opposite of that would be somebody who is faking orgasms, not self-aware, just about their own pleasure, just having sex and grin and bearing it. And I try not to do those things. I try to be really real and present. So I think that's, and that's accessible to everybody. Right. Yeah. But do you ever have those times where you're like, all right, fine. Just go for it. Yeah. Oh, for sure. I do. But I'm conscious of it. I'm like, and he'll even say that. He's like, you're such a good girlfriend because it'll be nice. I think it just happened. I've been going through stuff. I've not been in the mood for sex. I've had a lot going on. And it's been honestly challenging the last few weeks. but I also know

I know that it's important I'm like is he here he's like literally working home yeah but I know how important it is I'm like it can't be three weeks like we need to make the time to connect and there's been times where I'm not but he's like I'm like I know it and then once you do it

honestly sex be gets sex so the more even if you don't it's like when you exercise and you've been to the gym in the while and it's really hard to get your shoes on and get out of the door but once you do like you realize oh that was the hardest part I got to the gym I took the class I did the thing the same is with sex so there's times where I'm just I realized like a

go a while without it because there's a lot going on. And I'm like, no, I'm going to get into it. I want to do what I need. And then I do it. Yes, of course. But I'm conscious of it. We talk about it. I wasn't totally there. I don't even want to have an orgasm right now. I'm going through something, but this is about you. And then I can show up and be really present because it's my partner and I love him and I know how important it is. And I'm not thinking that some magical things are going to come down from the universe and make it amazing and sprinkle fairy dust on it. I know that great sex takes effort, communication, and lots of loom. That's amazing. This was so informative and incredible. And I do appreciate, like I said, growing up with all of this, I appreciate that you are, you know, out there. And it's just accessible for women. And it should, everything should be talked about more. And especially like raising kids and the education behind it. It's so important. And you're doing a beautiful job. And I can't wait to read your book. I'm so excited.

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Absolutely. Yeah. We have to see you in person. I would love that. Yeah, you're amazing. And, you know, it seems like it's more common now for people to be opening up and talking about sex. But the fact that you started this work 20 years ago, which is hard to believe because you look 20 is amazing. And, you know, we really respect it greatly. Thank you.

Thank you for having me. It's a big deal. Thank you so much. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hello. Um, okay, I would like to open with this fine day. Her legs. Oh my God, no. My legs. I'm joking. No, Olivia, it's not Tuesday. Oh. Um, Lou, she was telling me Rob the other day. I actually loved this. Can you please tell the story of Shepard and the flowers? Okay. So Shepard, he's sees me taking the flowers and putting them in the trash. And he's like, mommy, no, no, flowers. And he's doing this sign for flowers. He's like, flowers. And I was like, no, baby, they're all done. They're all done. And he goes and opens the trash. And he's like, no, mommy, flowers. And I was like,

honey, they died. And he's like, you shot them? He was signing it, though, right? Yeah, he was signing. He was like, you shot them? And I was like, No, no, no, baby. He's like, Daddy shot them? And I'm like, no, he's like, Anna shot them. He's going through everyone. And I'm like, nobody shot the flowers. And then he's doing the sign for vampire. He's like, a vampire got them? And I'm like, no, they died of old age. And he was just going through, oh my God, it was killing me. And then he brought everyone over to show them. He'd open up the lid and be like, flowers died. Flowers down. Oh, but it was really funny.

He thought I shot the flowers. Oh, my God, it's my favorite. It's a hard concept to explain. It is. They died. He had a hard time with throwing those away. That's so cute. You shot them?

Oh, and then he was doing zombies. Like, did a zombie get them? It was like a whole book. I was like, this is like a children's book. Like, who killed the flowers? You should write this all down. Yeah, you should make it into a book for them. That's true.

Yeah, about the day the flowers died. That's great, guys. I think we're onto something. We are onto something, you guys. This is exciting. Rob, how was your week? That's good. I got back from Mammoth.

That was fun. How was your skiing situation? It was good. It had been a long time since I had went skiing. And the only time I had skied was on Wisconsin. hills, which are much smaller than mammoth hills. Oh, and you went mammoth. Oh, boy. I went mammoth with a bunch of dudes that snowboard often. So I realized that I didn't really know how to ski at all. Oh. Oh. Just be, I mean, it had been long enough and I think I had been on hills that were not. You didn't want to try

snowboarding? No, no, I didn't need to. I didn't need to do that. Um, but then I ended up just on like, We did a couple of the small slopes, like once or twice. And then they're like, all right, let's go up to the big one. Did you go? All right, let's do it. How'd you do? And I mean, I went down. Once.

Standing? It went outstanding, yeah. But I needed a little more practice before going up on that again. Oh, I wish you had a GoPro cam so we could witness Rob going down like that. Rob down. Rob down. Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's so good.

More importantly, I want to hear about the restaurant you went to. I want to hear about everything you ordered and ate. Oh, the restaurant was great. So we went to Volcanoia. You went it twice, right? We went twice. It's the Voltajio Brothers restaurant up there. And we, I mean, there was six of us.

So we just ordered most of the menu the first night. Just most of the menu, you know, casual. The best thing They had this Calabrese Roshetta Which was like Barada and Pesto And marinera sauce

But it was insane And then they had a Crazy pizza Like the brick oven Style pizza Called the salumi With like a spicy salami on it Yum

I love a spicy salami And then they did a They have like a take on SpaghettiOs that they do Like a fancy spaghetti with a giant meatball. Wow. That was really good. And then the second night, I think my favorite dish from there in entirety,

we got a rigatoni that had an Arbiotta brown butter sauce. Ooh. So a red sauce with brown butter. Wow. I've never heard of such a thing. Yeah, they had two red sauces with brown butter on the menu, but it tasted insane. It was so good. Oh, that sounds good.

I have a question. So was it a group of guys? Group of guys and one girl. So when a group of guys gets together and goes and eats, do you guys talk about the food the whole time and talk about other food and talk about restaurants and breakfast and lunch? Are you Olivia? It depends on who you're going with.

I mean, these guys aren't going to a ton of restaurants, so that wasn't our conversation. And it was like a hodgepodge of friends of mine that didn't all know each other well. So you're not taking a bite being like, What in the actual heck is going on? No, we're talking about the food when we're eating it, but that's not the whole conversation of the dinner. What else was the conversation at the dinner? It depends on which pockets of the table you're listening in and on.

Do you smile when you try these foods? When you try the food, do you smile? I want to know if Robb's like takes a bite and it's like, yes. Like, does it excite your innards? Because I know how much you love food. I just want to know if you express it. I don't think I'm smiling if it's really good. I think I'll say this is really good.

But I don't have like a big shitting grin on my face. Yeah, I guess I'm wondering if you'll say it because you don't like to tip your hand. So I wonder what tips your hand. I'll say if it's good or not. Right, but will you show it? No, I'll say it. Do you get what I mean, Rachel? Mm-hmm.

It was also so hot on the mountain. Like, we had to wear T-shirts. Wow. There's still plenty of snow. And then I got sun burned. I had a real nice farmer's tan on my arms because I had gloves on. And then I was wearing a hoodie. But then I had to roll the sleeves of the hoodie up because it was too hot.

So in between my gloves and the sleeves rolled up was just right red. Lovely. Did it hurt? I didn't feel great. My brother said they're going to have snow Like through the 4th of July, I think Really? They're saying, I heard them say until August

Whoa That is just crazy Half the mountain is closed though At this point So there's only like certain runs That are still open So Natalie stayed home with the kids Mm-hmm

When she stays home with the kids And you guys go on those kind of trips Does she get resentful? Um Not this one I don't, I won't normally, I won't do that often. This was kind of a birthday present from her slash trip. So was just the, I'm going to let you go for three days and I'll stay home with the kids.

Got it. Yeah, your birthday's coming up. But we had a resentful wife in the group. Oh. Back home. That same situation. Yeah. Was texting and just like passive, aggressive?

We have a group text between Natalie, him, and his wife. And, like, the first day I'd send a picture of us on the mountain. And he was like, don't send her any more pictures. That's funny. I enjoy those things, hearing those things. How was your guys' week? Ryder finished school. The best part was there was an end of the year party at a friend's house.

and all the girls, I have to show you guys this picture, were standing in the driveway with huge super-soaker guns waiting for any of the boys from their class to arrive, and they just fucking annihilated them. Like, I was in the backyard for part of it, and I just saw boys walk in, just completely drenched. Oh, my goodness. It was pretty awesome.

Really starting those gender wars early. Yeah. Yeah. Tel-fi. So that was that. It was a very long day. and it's officially summer and it's like,

oh, what do we do? It's like, yes. You're officially summer? I thought you've been summer for a while. Wamp, wamp. Yeah, so that's that. And then, what else? It was my brother's birthday.

And... I don't know, guys. It's still gloomy out here. Still no sun. June gloom. I kind of like it, actually. It doesn't surprise me. Over it.

I'm over it, too. I'm supposed to go to the beach today, and I'm like, oh, it's going to be phrasing. Yeah, you have to go to the beach and a party, right? I have a beach, a party, and supposedly maybe another party. Oh, the Lakota one? Well, I have his birthday and then Charlotte's. So Charlotte, you have to dress up as a dom or a client. You have to dress it as what?

A dom or a client to her birthday. So what are you going as, Olivia? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I'm guessing a dom. I just don't really... Do you have an outfit? No.

What do you wear? I don't know. Leah's like as a client, you need like a ball gag in your mouth. No, you can wear... She said that Jeff could just wear a suit. And he's a client? Yeah. Jeff doesn't have anything you can borrow?

He actually does from when we went to... a burning man, but I can't find it. Oh, I asked Jennifer, and she said she has a choker that you can, like, attach leashes to and shit, but she doesn't have the leashes. Oh. I don't know. I don't have anything to wear, and I have two parties to go to before that, so we'll see. Oh, my God.

What if you go to a kid's birthday party in your Dom outfit? That would be pretty amazing. You forget where you're going and you wear the wrong costume? But you could dress in a suit even as a Dom. you're a dude, right? Like, what would a male Dom dress like? Because like, automatically what comes into my head for a Dom is like sexy, you know, dominatrix like, you know, traditional wear. Yeah. But like, oh my God, Jeff's Bernie Man outfit. That's what I said. I'm like, where's your burning man off? He said he'd wear that. And I was like, I can't. I can't go with you. I can't.

I can't bring you into a party dress like that. I can't bring him to a party like that. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Yes. The leather's in the. Studs and all of it. I mean, I think I would have to dress as a dom, but I'm not going, so it doesn't matter. Would you guys ever go to a sex party? I don't think so. No. Would you?

No. I don't know. Rachel barely leaves the house. I mean, she won't go to a regular party. Yeah, she won't go to a diner. What does she get into? And I go to a sexist. Yes.

I'm like, but that I will go to. Would you? You were about to say yes. No, no, I was not about to say yes. You're not to say the circumstance in which you would go. No, I can't really say because I'm not in a relationship. You know, you go with someone, right? And it's like a thing. So I don't.

So you're saying if a man wanted you to go with, you would consider it. No. No, I'm not saying that. I am not saying that. I'm just saying I don't really, I'm not really in a space to answer like fully, but my first instinct is no. I think there's a difference between going to watch and going to participate. Right. If you go and explore it with a partner, like maybe it's a thing you guys like,

I could see that more than like just going around and, you know, doing things with other people. Yeah. I mean, no judgment. Whatever works in your relationship is just not something I'm interested in. Yeah, I'm not judging at all. I totally get it. Like I understand the people that, you know, are into it. I do understand it, but...

Yeah, you're not kink shaming. No. No. Me? Never. Never. You're the kink shamey usually, so... That's true.

And nothing is even that kinky, so there we have it. Yeah, I don't know. But it is fascinating. And I want to hear about it. Like, I'm totally down to, like, hear the stories with the people that do go, because I think it's fascinating. Absolutely. I wanted to hear more.

It was very interesting. Here's something funny. Okay, so you know how all the things that have been in the press are sex-related, sure. So all these companies are like, we want to send you dildos. We want to send you, whatever. So every time I give my mom's address, so my mom will be like, a package came for you, and I'm always like, Mom, open it. So yesterday she opens the package and I just get a picture of a huge bottle of lube.

It's been a vibrator. She's like, this came for you. You know what? She manifested this. She did. She did do that. She keeps all of it for herself, too. Yeah.

Every time she tries to give it to me, I was like, Mom, no, just keep it here. You'll get more use out of it than I will. I'll use it when I'm here, Mom. There's a huge box of just dildos, you guys, like 20 dildos. We should have a party and a dildo party. You know what? Bring those to the party. I was going to say you got a bunch of props for your party.

Yep, there you go. Oh, it kills me. Every time she opens it, she's like, oh, there's another one. Do you, do you want me to give you a bunch of broad ideas cards, Olivia? You can write, like, our email on them and get a bunch of guests for the podcast while you're at that party. Oh, like a business card. That's sexy. Especially all domed out, just like...

Represent. I mean, I feel like there's going to be some people that we're going to want to poach. Go poach. Yeah. It's a poachable party, for sure. It's a poachable party. Do you ever leave, Jeff and I did this recently. We went to eat and then we left the restaurant to go somewhere else to get dessert.

And then we went to three places to see if they had the dessert we wanted and they didn't. And we finally found them. We wanted Crembley. Oh, interesting. No. I don't think, I mean. I don't know that I would ever search that hard for Crembleuet. Maybe we don't know for like ice cream, but we won't go to another restaurant to like sit down and get dessert.

Yeah, we just did that. Wait, you actually went, how many restaurants? Well, we went to three different places. But it was like walkable. Oh, okay. And then you found one that had creme brulee, and you sat and had dessert at that one. Yeah, we found a steakhouse because we're like, they'll have it. And then we sat and got creme brulee, yeah.

I like you guys. We like creme brulee. I am taking my parents to a fancy restaurant in Chicago next week that I don't think my mom's going to eat anything. Why? Is she picky? She is so picky. It's called Smith and it's like a prefix. She is very picky. So I'll report back on how she does with a prefixed dinner. I didn't even know you were leaving. I'm going back for her funeral. Oh. And he comes back on Father's Day. I'm sorry. I'm taking a red eye Thursday night and then

coming back Sunday you want to see this is this is Bob Bob oh Bob bye Bob he's got a sweet face

he's got a face he was the sweetest he is so much like my dad oh oh Bob that's really nice of you to go all the way out there for that I guess he loved Bob

well I was sweet he was around Your whole life, right? Our whole life, yeah. And my dad were best friends since sixth grade. No. Oh, wow. Yeah.

And they went to like seminary school together and. My God, my heart. That's a hard one. The process. His favorite store was Amazon.com. Oh, Amazon. Yeah. Did you send that to Olivia too?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. How cute is that? So cute. Amazon was his favorite store. Yeah, the obituary says, and Lily Flowers, buy a gift for a loved one from Amazon.com, Bob's favorite store.

That's the sweet thing ever. So cute. Oh, my God. I love Bob. I feel Bob. Yeah, Bob's a good one. He is a good one. I wish you could share Elliot's letter, but it won't translate unless you just read it. I died, though.

Rob. Died. I'll just send it to you right now. Yeah, you got to see this thing. Dear Santa, how fast are your reindeer? How are you in life? I have been a good bowie. I want to see you.

My elf on the shelf is hot. Is what? Is what? I don't know. Is hay is here maybe? Mm-hmm. I really want you to come. See you.

I like when you come from Elliot. Jeff goes, what are they teaching him in this Catholic school? Oh, it's so good. I think that translates. I think that translates. That's so good. That's funny, right? Oh, my God. I was reading that and I was just fucking dying.

I was like, oh, my God. It was hilarious. All right, Olivia's going to explain a game that we like to play. We like to give each other things to do to get each other out of our comfort zones. Yes. And so we'll say, okay, here's your task. And then we'll task each other things to do that make us feel uncomfortable, but that are in alignment with what we want.

Do you ever do it just to fuck with each other, though, in a way that's not beneficial for the person? No. This is in all earnesty. This is in, I want you to have everything you want in life. And we know that in order to get it, you have to do things outside of your comfort zone. So we like to push each other and give each other tasks. Can we get an example of the best one that you each given each other? Well.

Nope. You give one, Lou. Well. I can give you one. Rachel gives me, yeah, like I'm looking to get new representation, right? And she knows that. And so she'll be like, I want you to reach out to three people today. I want you to circle back with that person. I want you to blah, blah, blah, blah, which is uncomfortable for me to do. I don't want to do it whatsoever. But she'll be like, by the end of the day, I want to hear that you reached out to three different people.

How does Rachel do with her homework when you tell her to do things like that? I do it. She's doing it. She does it. She's doing. She's doing. Great. Thank you, Olivia. Yeah. What is your homework been for her? Well. This is like... When I reach out to guests is out of my comfort zone and I do it. Big time. That's an example. And you do that to her all the time, Rob. You'll be like, I want you to reach out to these three people today.

Well, that's why I asked how she does with her homework because usually when I do that, I just don't hear from her for two days. Yeah, but she's gotten better, hasn't she? I have gotten better. She's gotten better. But there's still times where she just goes dark. Well, when you ask me to reach out to like, you know, just way out of the comfort zone. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's part of the exercise that. It's part of the exercise we do for each other, Rachel. Message. But we need to give you some now. Rob? Yeah. Oh, good. We gave him one that we can't say.

Oh, yeah, we did. Okay. Well, let's start with that. That's a great one. That's your first one, Rob. Well, I don't know when that's happening or if I'm there for it. Let's give him another one. Listen, you can give him another one. All right.

Something out of his comfort zone. He's surprisingly comfortable with things that would make me uncomfortable. Yeah. Can I get an example of that? You're good at, like, I feel like you would go up to someone and introduce yourself and, you know, be like, oh, you know so-and-so. or you're good at like doing that thing that I would probably just stay in line at the coffee shop and not go up to the person and introduce myself and make a connection. I can do that sometimes.

It depends on the context of it. But I feel like you're better at that than most. Uh-huh. Yeah, I mean, that part of that has to do with being around so many people at this point, like from these shows and these podcasts that it's easy. I have to meet so many people that I have to get comfortable with that. Yeah. See, and I have no problem meeting people.

I just, like, I was at a party the other day for a few shows. They were playing like clips of different Apple shows and there was five women on the panel that were speaking. And I went with my friend Nadine and there was two people she wanted to speak to. And I was like, okay, do it. And she would look for an opportunity and then be like, no, I can't. And then she did. And I was like, gosh, it was easy for me to push her. But like, I would never feel like comfortable doing that.

Right. But I guess she didn't feel comfortable doing it anyway. She did it. You know. Is that of anything to do with like imposter syndrome or anything like that? Are you still getting comfortable? I think it's like I don't want to bother anyone, you know? And what she did would never bother someone.

Like she had been introduced to this woman before. It was a director that she admired greatly and been introduced before and just wanted to remind her, hey, we met through whatever. And I love your work and I think you're incredible. And in my mind... Yeah, people don't mind hearing. I love your work and I think you're incredible. Right.

But to me, I guess I figure... Well, they must know that. They don't need to hear it from me. I think if you at least go into and give them an out to like... I'm just to make this a quick, nice comment and then I'm going to back away and let you engage or not engage. I don't think you have to worry about that. Yeah, like if I were to be that courageous, like what's her face was there?

Gosh. How do you say Hannah Weddington, Weddingham? Oh, from Ted Lasso? From Ted Lasso. Oh. I... Hannah Waddingham? I worship her. I think she's one of the most amazing actresses. She's so full of heart and strength and humor and depth and, like, all the things that I look up to in an actress.

But in my mind, I'm like, well, she knows that. I feel like you can give her that quick compliment and then... I think that's just your excuse like, oh, she knows that, I don't have to say it. You know, and that's also keeping you in your comfort zone because you don't have to actually do it. Would you? Yeah.

Would I say something like that? You'd go up to her and be like, hey, I wanted to introduce myself. I think you're incredible. Yeah. Yeah. But is that because you think you can because you're famous? Do you know what I mean?

Hmm. That's, I mean, that's why I was getting into the imposter syndrome thing. Because I feel like, I feel like, Because of armchair, I have a little more confidence in going and saying it. But I don't know without that if I would. Right. Right. Let me tell you a story.

A friend from high school was on American Idol back in the day. Catherine McPhee. I went and watched one of the tapings, you know. And the OC was on at the time. And sitting in front of me was Chris Rock or next to me. And I thought, oh my God, like I'm obsessed with Chris Rock, right? So I was like, I can say something, you know? I'm on TV.

I can say something to Chris Rock. You don't know who I am. Well, I was young and stupid, right? And I was like, oh my God, I love you. I think you're so, but like I totally just fangorled hard. And he kind of looked at me, side eye, and kind of like nodded uncomfortably and like kind of smiled. and then turn back away. And I was like, oh no, no.

That was so embarrassing. Anyway, I met Chris Rock later in life, though, guys. I just want to say he was... When you were more famous, this was like four movies in? No, not at all. Not at all. No. You see what I mean? I was teasing about the famous, the TV thing you guys before.

But I was just young and excited to see Chris Rock. No, but there's nothing wrong with feeling like that. There's nothing wrong with that. No, but then later I met him again, and he was very nice, but I think it was the setting that was. different than like an American Idol taping with his kid. You know what I mean? He was very nice.

Just want to put that out there. Let me talk about stories that come from quote unquote a close friend. Yeah. I got sent a story this past week from a publicist. My publicist. Sorry. Uh-oh, did the story I told get out? Shut up, Rob.

But it was completely fabricated. Not a single thing. in it was true. So I can say that people listening when you read things, sometimes there's truth to it. Sure. Sometimes there's truth to things. But a lot of the time, people just write things and it's insane because it's completely fabricated. And it says coming from a close friend, her friends think X, Y, and Z. To be fair, if I'm reading an article and that's the source, I'm going to question it. But it's like reputable or respectable outlets, too.

And it says close friend. So it's like, wait a minute. I think it depends on how many places are picking it up to and, yeah, how reputable and what the sources within it are. But you know what? Here's a tricky thing is that there have been times in the past that things came out. And it was the source was a close friend. And they were actually true. And we're going, who's the leak?

We're like, do we set people up? Like, how do you know who it is? Because there have been things that were accurate. Yeah. And we're like, someone in the inner circle is leaking. Yeah. That's true. In the past, over the past 20 years, there have been, like, a few things that got out, right?

Have you ever solved any of them? We've thought about so many things, like, what can we plant and see, you know? But no, we haven't. It's just Olivia. I mean, the fact that she's accusing other people. I'm like, did you ever think it could be... How do you think Jeff paid for his doctorate? Yeah.

Well, that's what we think. We're like it either has to be someone that needs money desperately or has something to gain. Or has a big mouth and talks to the wrong people also, is it? Yeah, but you have to be in that kind of circle to talk to the wrong people. Right. We have a few suspects. Yeah. But we still have not solved it.

We've never solved it. Never solved it. So yeah, so, you know, I just wanted to make... Oh, this is interesting because my friend, Jill's daughter, Stella, she's 11, you know, and she's like, my friend told me that, you know, Taylor Swift was dating the 1975 frontman. And... Which, they've broken up since. They've broken up, okay, well...

Yeah, she's been spotted with someone else on other dates. Oh, okay, thank you for that little gossip, Rob. Rob's got the tea. But Stella was like, my friend told me they... he is not a good, done it, and like going on, and I said, Stella, let me tell you something, as your auntie, who has, you know, things have been said about me sometimes in the past, that have been completely untrue. So don't believe everything you hear or read. Know it for yourself. But, but, but I want to battle that in a way. Yes, certain stories are not true at all coming from a

source, right? However, I will say when there's smoke, there's fire. One thing, nobody's ever called you a bitch or a diva or a this or that because... I've called her a diva before. We know she's a diva. But you know what I'm saying? That usually when people have a reputation, I think when there's smoke, there's fire. There's usually a tidbit to it. Yes. Sure. I'm not saying there's not truth to things. I'm just saying just don't believe everything you read or, you know. Oh, no way. Because you don't know.

That's all I'm saying. But yes, that is true. There is truth to things for sure. For sure. Yeah, like when everyone's like, this person's difficult, there has to be something about that. Yeah. Well, depending. If it's just one person saying it or there's multiple stories and sources coming up.

when there's everyone saying it. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Truth. Truth, truth, y'all.

Well, I think we've covered. Yes? I think we got to some good stuff. We did. Well done, everybody. Thanks for listening to broad ideas. Love you guys. Love you.

That was a hate gum podcast.