Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Harry Hudson on Rapping in The Valley, His Cancer Diagnosis, and Meeting Ghosts

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

Musician Harry Hudson sits down with Olivia and Rachel to talk about growing up in The Valley and trying to become a rapper, moving to Sweden to hustle, and being diagnosed with cancer at 20. They also discuss Harry losing his dad, hitting rock-bottom during Covid, and finding a way to move on. Broad Ideas is supported by Sundays for Dogs. Go to SundaysForDogs.com/IDEAS or use code IDEAS at checkout for 35% off your first order. Broad Ideas is supported by Daily Harvest. Go to dailyharvest.com/ideas to get up to $40 off your first box. Broad Ideas is supported by Hiya Health. Receive 50% off your first order by going to hiyahealth.com/IDEAS.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Go to SundaysforDogs.com slash ideas or use code ideas at checkout. That's go to Sundaysforogs.com slash ideas. upgrade your pup to Sundays and feel good about the food you feed your dog. Welcome to Broad Ideas. This is your host, Rachel Bilsson. Thanks for joining us, Olivia. You're welcome. We have a podcast.

Oh, jeal. She's one of these minutes. What are we doing? Well, what we're doing is talking to Harry Hudson, who is a singer-songwriter. He had a 2018 album yesterday's tomorrow, but his 2020 album, Hey, I'm Here for You. And his latest EP, which actually just came out in July of 2022, a deer in headlights. His new single is called Emotional Hangover. Yep. And there's two versions. He has a meditation version of this song,

Which I love and you're going to hear some emotional hangover. But we're going to talk to Harry. Rachel's little brain All these thoughts are swirling Round and round inside To join us on this journey As we take a little ride We'll talk about dogs and kids and things We'll talk about chicks and tampon strings

We'll talk about boys Because people die Okay October 14th When's yours? June 2nd Oh, nice. Wait, is that Gemini? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, it's a lot of problems. My brother's a Gemini. You get it. Two problems. Yeah, too airy. Yeah. I saw a psychic the other day.

It was like you got even more grounded. Really? Wait, was it a good psychic? Yeah. Well, it wasn't really the other day. It was years ago. Oh. But no, they weren't.

But I feel like they were right about the grounding thing. Are we starting? Yeah, we're on. Well, we're just going. Oh, that's how it goes. Yeah. I was like burping in the thing. No.

Yeah. You're good. We don't ease you in. We just throw you in the deep water. No, there's no formalities. We just, you know. So I'll break it down. So this is how I got here.

Let's just, how did I end up here was me and my lovely girlfriend over there? We were like, we need to watch a show and what show should we binge watch? Somehow the OC came up. Oh, man. And we just went for it. Binge watched it. We've been obsessed. They were like, what are they doing now?

Yeah. And then I looked you up and I was like, she has a podcast. But this is like the day. of my mental telling me I need to do podcast. What? It's like a real life thing. No way. Me and my brother were talking.

He's like, you have to start doing podcasts and telling your story more in a unique way. I'm not really a social media person, so it's hard to be myself through the lens to promote something on social media. Yeah. So it's easier to do something like this. Great. Then I saw you got a podcast and I was like, I need to be on this. And so I DM'd you literally five seconds after that.

I was like, I need to be on this podcast. I don't know why. It's the universe. And I feel like. That is so amazing. I can express truth and now I'm here. Yeah. I just feel like, I don't know.

We love it. We love it. That's so fucking rad. Yeah. I was like, this is cool. This is the universe and the fact that you reach back out. I was like, yeah. I was telling her, I was like, oh my gosh, you reach back out.

Yeah. We've got to do this. This is sick. That is so, I love hearing that so much. I know when you DM me, I was like, oh, I was like, hey, what's up here? Do people reach out? Do people reach out to be like, hey, I want to be on the show? I mean, we've had, yeah, I'm sure we've had some, you know, but

I was very flattered when you did. Was that the first time you guys watched the OC? Was it like your first run through? Yeah. I watched it once as like, like, a little younger. Yeah, no, it's almost 20 years old. But yeah, and then like I was like, we finished something. What should we watch?

And then we got into the first episode and we're like, but the next one. But the next one. Should we go out Friday night? But the OC. And then it turned into that for a while. And then someone told us that the main girl dies. And then we haven't got there. So we just said, we were just like, let's, we just, like,

she wanted to keep it like a nice memory. Yeah, we're just like, you know, let's just stop here. Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't watch that scene. It's so rough. But the fourth season, I will say, is a fun one. So if you just want to, like, skip that one episode. No, you can't skip it.

Why? It's so traumatic. I'm a fast forward kind of guy. Like, you can see, now you can see the clips of you fast forward fast. You can see kind of what's happening. Yeah. But I feel like you've been through more than not in your real life. Way more.

Here's the thing, though, my heart felt that when you said it was a universe and that you want to tell your story in a different way. And the fact that you were called to this podcast, I think is beautiful. And we reached out to Charlotte Lawrence because we saw there was a connection there. And she's like, no, he's an actual angel on earth. Oh, great. I love Charlotte so much. Is she an angel? She is the best.

I know. And you're the voice of an angel. I'm like, I know. She's too talented. And I'm like, I hate it. She wrote the theme song for this. You're lying. No.

Yeah. You know it's so funny? I was going to say, do you guys have a theme song? Because I was going to have one in my head. Great. Do you have one? Can you like bust it out right now? No.

No. It was. Before you leave. Before I leave, I'll figure something out. But if Charlotte already did it, then there's no point for me to do it. She doesn't sing it though. What about an outro? I mean, that's our intro.

Yeah. Outro. Yeah. Yeah. Outro credit thing. Like a cool little folly's thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, your voice is amazing. I was listening to your music. Thank you. Oh my God. It's so beautiful. Thank you so much. Where does that come from? Like, how did you get into music?

All of it. Start from the day you were born. Well, I was born June 2nd. In New Jersey. Were you born in New Jersey? In Englewood, New Jersey. No way. Yeah.

Okay. And then moved out here when I was about five or six and then grew up in the valley. So we shared the valley. Yeah. So I was also hype in the O.C. You kept dropping the Valley show thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's right. I don't know. I just could mention Van Nuys ever. Did you grow up in Van Nuys? Yeah. You did grow up in Van Nuys. Take us through it. Through all the schools. Yeah.

The only school is high school, Crespi. Yeah, Cresby. I went to Notre Dame. Okay, so rival. It's like a rivalry. Yeah, that's right. Cresby's boys, right? What?

What's that look? No, just we went with Winter Cresby. So it's just like, it's funny that like the, no one knows Notre Dame. And so the fact that like, yeah. Yeah. The rivalry, I don't know. I wasn't a part of any rivalries. I was just a weird kid.

But is that all through elementary or where'd you go to elementary? No, Crushche is just high school. No, yeah, high school. Elementary was this school called St. Cyril. Okay. It's like a Catholic school. Yeah. I was not the best kids with both of us and we got sent to Catholic schools and like the whole

button down thing. Right, button up and private and all of that. Yeah, which turned me to a monster. Really? Yeah. Why? Do you tell because my son's in a private Catholic school right now and I worry. And he's in kindergarten.

First grade. Well, I can tell you stories about my family telling me stories. And I was like six telling everybody that they're going to go to hell if they don't have like sex until after marriage. Oh, yeah. I was just saying crazy. Yeah, no. It's a real concern. I guess like my uncle and my aunt, they were having a kid without marriage.

I sat them both down, I guess, when I was like 10. Yeah. And like, was crying and like so disappointed and how they're going to rot in hell. Oh, no. I don't remember one thing I said about this. My uncle and my aunt will tell me until this day, like, do you remember because they were traumatized that this kid was just like it's crying being like you guys were going to be like. But beyond that, I think the worst experience I had in that time was fifth grade. I'm dyslexic.

I'm very dyslexic. She is too. You get me. Of course they do. You know? And so I remember she was calling me to read in the class and I hate public speaking. I hated it. I don't hate really anything anymore.

But disliked it at the time. And then I remember she called me to read this sentence that was a paragraph. And when they tell you to read the paragraph, that's what I'm like nervous, you know, as a kid. Yeah. And I messed it up so bad. bad. And so like, instead of like teaching me the words that I was messing up, like, the teacher like called me out and was like, how could you be so dumb? What? Like, fully. Like, I started laughing like, I can't believe you don't know how to read.

Oh my God. Oh, my heart. All the kids were laughing at me. I mean, this is like, that's pain. That is. I'm a grown man now. So like the fact that I can go back to that moment and like pinpoint it like yesterday to be like that traumatized me because everyone was like laughing at me, not with me kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's not okay. And so from that day, I just made sure I was like the class clown. And this like changed my whole. life as a human because I was like instead of laughing at me I'd rather be laughed with. Right. So then I just became a really bad student because it was funny to the kids to say something

crazy to the teacher or do something or failure tests and laugh about it or do something. And they're like, Harry just leave the class. Yeah. So I looked like this like, oh, Harry just not cared. He's a class clown and like da-da-da. But it was just because like I was insecure as a kid. Yeah. You know, and I think I had a lot of like problems growing up like in childhood and with family

stuff and it made me insecure. and like shy kid. Yeah. You know? So when you're getting called out, no one's kind of like holding you to like kind of guide you through something, I kind of just like, I lost my shit.

Yeah. But in a way of just acting out because then I used everything as a comic relief. Sure. So then like we'll get into it, but I'm starting therapy now to get rid of that comic relief kind of thing because it gets to a point of like I used it for good, right? When there was serious things going on in much household or outside of the household or like things, I would use comedy and like funny things to kind of like ease.

Yeah. So your coping mechanism? Yeah. So why are you trying to get rid of that? Yeah, that's what I was wondering. Then it becomes two things where it's like, let's have a serious conversation and I'll say a joke. Right, right. And you're like there needs to be a balance.

But you feel like there's something not right about that. I felt, yeah, at the time. Okay. You know, I was using it for like, and then I didn't shift it until I got older. It became a shield. It became my protection. It was my super cape because then you can say, you can call me out in class and I can say, something funny and everyone laughs, but then it's like, you're never going to call me again.

Right. Or a situation with a girl that I liked or something. And if it wasn't my way, I would be like, I didn't even like it, make fun of her or do something. You know, it's like these things of like trying to joke. And then also if serious situations come around and everyone's awkward in a room, I will make a scene and make myself look like a fool to make everyone talk about me to be like he looks like an idiot. Or isn't, what is he doing? And then it makes room for open conversation for other people to feel like they can fit in or like. Feel comfortable.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I got to a point where I was like, I think I'm just too funny. You know? Where I just, you get to a point where it's like, I don't know, because the too funny people, you can't get real. Right, right. Are you shitting with me now at it to a point?

And then it kind of got like that for me. Yeah, where you're like, okay, hold on. Yes, that's funny. And can you be authentic for a second? Yes. And I think I've always wanted to be authentic. And I wasn't until 20, which is when I got diagnosed with cancer. Right.

And then that's when the whole world went, like, turned around and did the whole thing. Right. But before that, with music, music was a scapegoat for me as a kid. So it's like my parents, toxic household, I'm sure most people can relate. Yeah, sure, of course. And, you know, when there was fighting going on or yelling or things or the cops are at the house or what a da-da. Like my escape was like putting on the walkman and like having a CD and putting my headphones on and like hiding. Yeah.

You know, or just listening to music or I remember just remembering songs, like lyrics as a kid. And that was like homework for me is to remember lyrics as a young kid and like things like that, which is an escape. Right? And I didn't pay attention to it at all. I never wanted to make music. I was like, this is amazing. You know, and then I saw like an M&M music video when I was a child. Which one?

Was it the way I am, the one he's falling off a building? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I sit back with this bag is exact. Yeah. Yeah. And so I started rapping that in first grade, like constantly to get kicked out of class. I love it.

Two get kicked out. I don't know. I don't think I wanted to get kicked out. I just remember saying these lines all the time. And my babysitter showed me this music video. I was like, I feel like I'm this human as a first grader. I don't know why I've related to Eminem in first grade. And then from there it was just like kind of this constant of like me trying to write raps.

You know, in third, fourth grade. Like in my journals, there was always like, or my notebooks in school was always like poems or raps. They made no sense. Do you still have those notes? I bet it would be so fun to go back and read. So bad. Like, oh my goodness. They're so bad.

But it was an escape. And I think it's beautiful to have that and notice it as a kid. I never talked to anybody about it. It wasn't like, I got rap so my thing. It was like, this is cool and distracting when I'm not really paying attention what's going on. I was a one-on-one learner, so it was hard for me to be in class. But don't you also think this is something I learned about being dyslexic or having a learning disability? I feel like nobody paid attention to the fact that I could memorize every lyric.

I could memorize every song like that, but I couldn't do the reading. And it's because later in life I realized I don't learn visually. I learn through audio. And so if I hear it, I can remember it. If I see it, it doesn't register. And I feel like teachers aren't looking for that. They're not like, how does this kid learn? Like, to me, that should be noted that you know the lyrics to songs and that you can remember that.

And it's like that's how they should be teaching. I absolutely agree. And I think slowly now it's kind of gearing more into those. You find different schools that you can find, you know, niches. Yeah, my daughter's in like a small school and it's way more individualized. So they're like, oh, this, you know, she maybe needs more help here or whatever it is. And like there's just more of that. And I feel like that's super important.

I'm just here to get my yearly. check and I come here and do this and there's going to be bad kids and good kids, but bad kids are like just troubled kids. Right. And where's the mental health? Right. But where's the mental health support? You know what I mean?

Because I feel like that's really... That's the biggest thing. We never really get. No. It's kind of shunned upon. Right. And especially in certain areas of the world too, like in cultures, like getting help or therapy is like so looked down upon.

It's like to fix it yourself kind of thing. And especially in high school, especially now, but like when I, all of us, like, it's like, we're we got to miss the social media age. So I feel like, yeah. And I feel like now it's just like ridiculous. But like even back then, it's like, I was journaling most of the time. And I was doing things where it's like I wasn't being distracted.

Then I started like writing more music. Then I was like, I love, I wanted to do rap in like eighth grade. Right? And my heroes were the people who sold CDs on the side of the street. Hell yeah. And this is so serious. Like I would get nervous to talk to them type of shit. Oh my God.

And I would be like, you guys know how to put, you know how to make a song. You're selling a CD and your voices on it. You have production. You have mix and mastering. Like, how do you do that? I never understood how to even start there. And so there's like two guys, specifically like on Hollywood Boulevard and then one guy was like on Laurel Canyon.

And I remember I would take a bus or whatever to these guys and they would take me to their house after. It's so weird. Like, I don't know. Like, thank God. Like God had my back or something. But they took me like to help and like, like, taught me how to make like music. You know, like all kinds of music. Yeah.

Yeah. Like there was like, ICE the Golden Child. If he's still out there. That was his name. Ice the Golden Child. I don't know. why I remember that. Shout out to A. Yeah, I haven't seen him probably in 20 years. Oh my God. Yeah, no, things like that were I was so, if I wanted it, I got to go get it. And there

wasn't social media to go find out how to do that. Right. Right. And it was a weird where I would go to guitar center and be like, do you know how to make beats anybody here? Like, I want to rap. You know, and they're like, okay, sure. And like, I had my friend during high school, he would cold call. Like, I would just, I didn't know how to get signed. I didn't know anything. So I was like, oh, maybe a studio, like just a normal recording studio, I thought they could sign you. Right. You just go there.

Yeah, you just like knock on the door. And then they give you free sessions and then, you know, we have a discount or something like I didn't know. So I had my friend Cole, I would find during school like hundreds and hundreds of studios and I would make my friend call them at lunch and pretend to be my manager. And we're probably both 14 or 15. And he would be like, I got my artist. I'm like, where is his song?

He has no songs, but he wants to sign to you. They're like, well, we are a recording studio. We don't have anything set up to sign anything. They're like, well, like, and we kept doing it into like one studio. It was like, yeah, come by. No way. Yeah, my dad was like, I'm going to take you guys. I was like, what do you guys?

My dad, like, loved it. Because my dad's like, this is hustle. Like, I love it. Like, dropped us off at a stranger's house. And like, I just was like, I was like, I would play beats and I would just rap in and I would just rap. And then they would be like, nah. Yeah, that's all I would do.

Just try to get someone, want someone to notice that I can rap. And then. it was just more of like a hobby. It wasn't good. Right, right, right. Well, you were learning. Yeah, I was trying. And I was just really trying to figure it out until like 10th grade came along. And I was doing it more and more. And one of my best friends at the time, like we always like after football games and we'd get a group together and like freestyle in the parking lot or out of house or whatever very eight mile of us. Yeah, I love it. I'm like, yeah. We were doing the same thing. Yeah, that's exactly. That was like that was like that was the dream. Rap battles.

Yeah. Papa dog is my idol. Fun fact, one of Papa Docs members in 8 Mile was my neighbor growing up. No. And so all the 8 Mile cast would come over, like, to his house. Oh, no. Geek. Freak out. Freak out.

I had a panic attack. I don't know why. Mackay Fifer came to my house one time because he knocked on the wrong door. No way. And I was just like, are you serious? Future. Like, what? And I started rapping right away.

No. I was like, this is my fucking shot. And then it was like, but. This is a real life. This is my shot. I know. It's like you only get one. And now it's ready.

And then no, that was just a sidebar of eight miles stuff. Important stuff. Really important because that shaped my... That's soundtrack, though? How do you feel about the eight miles soundtrack? I love it. It's incredible. Because it's like 90s hip hop.

Because obviously you're younger, but it's like the best. Like run rabbit run is like something I listen to all the time. I have trained tracks by my house. When I hear the train tracks, I'm like, I'm fucking in it. But it started with like Okay, so me like trying to like freestyle whatever One of my best friends Chris, he came up to me and he was like

You should actually rap But the raps I would do is trying to mimic Eminem I can kill you and do all this stuff I'm like no one's I'm not going to do any of that I'm just a nice kid you know what I'm not going to tell you I don't know anything I'm going to open the door for you Exactly so I was like oh like he was like but it rhymes

and you have a cadence, you have a flow. And he was like, you should do it for real. And I was like, no way. No. And he was like, you should actually do music. Like, I'll help you kind of thing. And I was like, well, if you think so, he's like, let me get you into a real studio. So I was like, okay.

And then one of my best friends, wasn't my best friends at the time at school. There was a kid named Diego Ferius. And Diego, like, was odd man out, but a genius savant. Like just funny, loud, crazy. He doesn't care about anything or anybody what they said about him or whatever. and he was in a metal band, and he was already touring at, like, 13. Wow. Like, Russia and places like this, he would come to school and leave for months and then come

back and, like, heavy metal band. So I'm like, yo, my friend was like, Diego, Harry has to record with you. And he was like, I would love that. His dad's like a Latin recording, like, producer, like, super, like, they had a real professional studio. And so one day I went to his house and I, what I'm doing right now is like when you hear yourself talk. That was the first time I ever really got to experience that.

And then, like, made a song. And I was like, there's no going to. back and this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life kind of way. And Diego became my best friend after that. So like all Friday night, Saturday night just became us trying to make music. Again, not good music, but like it was making metal and you were rap.

And he was going at it and making what he would produce in that kind of sense. That's so cool. And it was like really random because all of that because he had a studio and so all the Valley kids would like, you know, would show up. And so like the band, the neighborhood, like they were all like young kids.

Like a lot of cool. Valley bands and valley artists would come to this one studio to, like, make music when we're all, like, in high school. Broad Ideas is supported by Daily Harvest. My life can get a little hectic sometimes. I mean, mornings before school are absolute chaos. But thankfully, Daily Harvest does more so I can do less. Think stress-free meals delivered to your doorstep.

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That's H-I-A-Halth.com slash ideas. And get your kids the full-body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. That's really cool. In high school, I don't, I mean, for us, we definitely weren't like doing anything professional. But like just to have that as an outlet, I think would, I would think would be helpful. Definitely not professional. Definitely like that. Well, you know what I mean.

Right. Yeah. It's like, it's like anybody looks professional doing anything now. Yeah, right. But I think at the time it was just like not caring. Like we weren't the, my group of friends wasn't really like that let's go out and like, you know, I didn't drink till I was 21. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. Oh. What? When you just grew up with just alcohol and drugs your whole life, I did. And you see it and you're like, I do not. want to be that. I also thought like I'd be the craziest addict. So I was like if I drink, if I do any drugs. Smart. I'm going to go to jail right away. And jail is my biggest fear for some reason. Yeah. That's where all my family members are. Oh my God. Oh my God. Welcome. So it's like me and my friends are like straight at it.

And like, we're just we want to make music and money. And like things like that where it's like how do we do that? Not saying like I was ahead of the game and I had this mental. I was an asshole in high school for sure. Like just because I didn't understand who I am. Right. You don't know who you were in high school. You're trying to figure it out. You're taking all these things that you see and you're like, well, is this me? I don't know. Yeah. Kind of thing, right? And so when I'm making music and I started like actually going into it, me and my best friends had a rap group together now. What was it called? There were several names, but it was nasty boys. Of course. Yeah. But so my best friend is Chris. Chris Nassif, right? And we all, for some reason, we all lived at his house like during high school because he had like so many bedrooms and no one was ever there. And so he's like, he's like, yeah, just everybody crush here. So we all were like, okay, we stay at Chris Nassau's house. And everyone's like, we stay at Nassie. We call him Nasty.

We say I'm Nasty's house. Most straight-edge kid, nicest kid in the world, never heard a fly type guy. Still, we call him that till this day. But then we're all like, we're nasty, nasty boys. Because we live here and we use all of his equipment. And that's how we're recording. We use everything for him. And he's like, so that's what it was.

And there was like four of us in the group. And his dad, Chris's dad, it's like a movie producer or something in industry kind of And he was like, my best friend, this guy, Shug Knight. Oh, what? Called Shug Knight. He's like, I have this Justin Bieber rapper. My son found him. They're best friends, their partners.

Like, and so he was like, you guys have a meeting with like Shug Knight and this whole team. So I'm in high school, like, thank God. I'm about to drop out of high school. I'm about to have the most protection ever. Like, I'm like so happy. I'm like, this is exciting. We're all going to make it. and we took a bus from our high school to Beverly Hills or wherever the offices were.

And there was, you know, Shig Night, there was a guy John Atterbury. And unlike another guy named Cecil, and these guys were just like dogs, like great. In the music back in the day, like icons, whatever. Yeah. And walk in and like, so where's the, like, what's the music kind of shit? And I was like, oh, like, you know, and plug. And they're like, what the fuck? Like, so confused and like, Shug was just walked in right out.

Like, kind of confused. like, you need to make music. This is a waste of time type shit. Oh, no. Where's the music? Yeah. And this dude, my friend's dad, just threw us in the fire. Like, I don't know what the fuck was happening.

He was just like, you guys want to go get it, go get it. Yeah, right. And so, like, I was my first meeting I walked in like, I can do this. And then they're like, where's everything? And I'm like, oh, yeah, like, oh, well. It's in here. You're like, well, I'm here. Yeah, it's right here.

I got pen, I got papers and like stuff. And then it was kind of like, that was like the first learning experience I had in music. And then after that, it was kind of like come back with more songs in two weeks. With songs. But they, okay. And so this time, I'm starting to make music. My brother, four years older than me, genius man. He saw we were both like, we're both doing this thing together, but he started working

at a record label. And then I started making music. Yeah. Okay. And so like, I would send him songs. He's like, this is shit. This is awful. He had connections.

So I hit him up. I was like, bro, like, I know you don't fuck about music, but I need beats. Like right now. And he was like, cool. I hit up producers that are like, you know, I'm working with it. I know, whatever, whatever, and got me a whole folder of beats. And I wrote to every single one, you know, my friends rapping over them, yada, yada. And then, like, it went to a point where things went by.

And now, like, I'm in 11th grade or something. It was kept going back and forth and back and forth all these things. And I did a show with that guy Mario who did the You Should Let Me Love You Song. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we opened up for him because they're like, we want to see if you guys can perform. And like, we killed. This is nasty boys opening up. This nasty boys just going hard.

It's just so hard right now. We're freaking, we're out there at the key club. I went to key club was a thing. You know, we're going hard. We're stage diving. Like, we didn't think that you can have backtracks. We just, again, played the 12 beats live and run just straight live over the beats without anything. So people like, I'm running out of breath.

Like, I didn't know that you can have, like, anything. I'm doing all this in the fire and just fucking winging it. And then after they're like, you guys should do a tour. Like, we want to sign you guys. Oh, my God. So I was like, holy fuck. Like, yes. like, finally, this is about to change this whole thing.

And I remember meeting with this guy, John Atterbury, who was going to help us do the whole thing. And he sat down with me, he's like, Harry, like, pull me aside. He's like, you got to be a, you should be a singer. What? Fuck, no, dog. I'm a rapper dog. Like, I can not do that. Like, you know, all my friends are like, oh, you're a singer, like, whack.

You know what I'm like? I can't even sing, first off. So what does that mean? And he's like, no, there's something in your tone. Like, I can pull it out. Like, I want to get you vocal lessons. Like, we can do something. Like, I believe in that.

like trust me. I was like, no. And he was like, let them to rap. Because to my friends, like, fantastic. And like, you should do like the hooks and sing in the parts. And I was like, man, I'll think about it. Like whatever. I was just like, I was like really annoyed because my friend's like, oh, loser.

Like, and they pull me aside. He's like, Harry, like, everyone wants the singer. And I was like, yeah, you're right. You know, like kind of thing. Yeah. He was just, whatever. He encouraged me to do it. And then, you know, unfortunately two weeks after that.

He passed. He randomly passed away. And like out of a freak accent, somebody caught their wife cheating in Hollywood in an apartment. And then he just ran out and started shooting random people. What? What? Wait. It was like a thing like years ago. Yeah.

Insanity. Just like crazy. And he like such a successful. Like beautiful family. This guy was like, it was just like so devastating. That is horrible. Yeah. And so like after that, me and my friends stopped being friends.

And I started singing. And I kind of went my own. like did my own thing. Yeah. Because I was like, what's the point of all this? Like actually, like, as a kid, you're like, I want all these accolades and things and what you'd think as a 15, 16 year old kid, at least what I thought, you know, and then you kind of start seeing it and seeing the work and how much you have to actually put in to it if you really want something and the way you want it. Right. Because you can see a lot of successful people, but they're like, oh, but if I can do it my way or it's like controlled or whatever. And so for me, it was kind

I'm like, well, how do I step back? I were talking to my brother and being like, he's like, let's just do your thing solo. Like, you know, and like, I love all my friends and the whole thing. But he's like, if you really want to do it, you need to do it like yourself. Right, right. And I'm afraid of that. Again, I'm a shy kid. Now it's like, I have to sing by myself now.

Like, I didn't sing. Now, I'm not sure all the shit that happened to me, but I'm like, you have to go through the, the balance. And so for me, I was like, the shy kid. I was like, okay, like, you've got to do it, throw yourself in the fire. Okay, now I need to learn. how to sing. Okay, so like, how do they even start? You know? And so right after high school, I met somebody who was a Swedish producer and I went to this music college, Musicians Institute.

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Okay, so I went for a day. And I can sing. Yeah, well, I didn't get into college. I didn't get in anywhere. I tried. I applied to like the really hard ones just to see. I didn't really either. Yeah, I was just like, I knew I wasn't going to go. I just wanted my parents to be like, you tried. He tried. He died on the smart one other this one, like top of his college class and shit, LMU and stuff. You're just back there. Yeah, they were banking on me to do something. I was like, nah, can't be. And so I was like, I'm going to do college at this

music school. So my dad's like, yeah, I got you. Go do that. And so I went, and then, like, everyone's like on the computer and it's taking a really long time. I was trying to wrap dog right now. And they're like, we'll get there in four weeks when you do your project at the end of the year. I'm like, like, no. And I literally walked up out of class, like left.

That was it. That was it. I paid for the tuition for the first semester, whatever. I walked out. So I can't do it. Not my vibe. And I walked out. Some kids saw me. and walked out with me. Oh, geez. What do you do, man? I was like, I don't know to rap. I don't make music.

We're talking. We're talking. And then, long story short, like, he ends up being this, like, Swedish producer that I got, I met. The other kid in the class? Yeah. And there was another kid in that class

that went to my high school. I also was like, I knew. It was just like a little thing, but they knew each other. I get introduced to him. Long story short, this conversation, this friend of mine from Sweden, we end up making music together

and I'm singing hella auto tune, but melodies. Right? He's like, I love your melodies that you're coming. up with you should intern for me in Sweden when I go make this album so I was like I'm out let's do this so I moved to Sweden yeah when I was like 17 or I just turned 18 wow to work on and you think yeah Sweden like crazy right like in my head I'm like yo I'm made it pot chicks in my head yeah sorry sorry this is a long time ago yeah but yeah I was like you guys are going to college

I'm about to go to Sweden like whatever I get there this is the first time I traveled alone. This is the first time I'm out of the country. So now I just walk into like, wait, everything's in a different language. I'm ignorant. I'm an ignorant kid from Van Nu sometimes. And I'm like, whoa, it's negative degrees. Like, I wasn't prepared what I got into. And then I get to Sweden. It ends up being like this whole thing of the artist wants to make a depressing soul album. So the label gives us a budget to go to the most depressing place in Sweden. No one told me of this until I got there. I thought I was going to be in, you know, where's the... Where's the...

Where's the highest rise? Where the champagne? Yeah. Yeah, you know, like I'm in Stockholm. I'm by the waters, whatever. It's sunny. In my head, I didn't realize I was going to be like snowing and freezing and they had one hour of sunlight.

But it doesn't matter. No, it's, I mean. Because I went and it changed my life. Because we stayed in an old priest home. Wow. In a cemetery. And they gutted it out and turned it into a recording studio. That's really cool.

It was so interesting. So, like, everything. think about it now, it's dope. Yeah, but it is. You're like 17. Imagine like all I want is in and now in a bath. And like, you're like, yo, you probably won't eat for months now. And we took a train and then we took like a three hour ride into the forest.

And I see this like sign of a number. I'm like, what's the number? What's like the 40? And they're like, oh, that's the people in the town. So I was like, there's only like 40 people in this town. Oh my gosh. Now I'm like, okay, like I guess. I don't know what I'm getting into.

Then we just start driving through a cemetery. And I'm like, what's happening? then we get to this little house in the cemetery and the guy comes out and gives us the key and then he takes our car and then he left and I was like, what just happened? I'm not hearing because it's not in English by the way and so I'm our assistant.

I'm like, yo, what just happened? There's two guys that speak English there and like, oh, he's coming back in like in months. And I was like, what? In months? Like two months or something. I was like, what? What how we get anywhere?

Like, no, we're not leaving. Like we need to make the album. We have a budget, like a time. And my internship was me like sweeping and cleaning and making food and doing things like that. Oh, sheesh. And then maybe coming up with a melody, that's all in Swedish, by the way. So it's just a melody.

Right. So it's just me singing and being like, well, we might use that. We might not. So I'm cleaning and making grilled cheese sandwiches, 24-7, fish. And fish? I'm not a fish fan. Well, the only thing that you could have ate in there at the time was like bread, toast and eggs and cheese and fish. What kind of fish, though?

Like microwave? I mean, like, the kind you put in the oven frozen? or like you're cooking fish. Oh, you're thinking like fish sticks? Yeah. It's Sweden. It's probably like fish out of the water. Yeah, it's fish out of the water.

Oh, okay. I needed a visual. But there's a market that gets fish sticks that locals do make fish sticks. See? That saved my career. But beyond that, it was a tough situation. But I remember I was like, I've got to quit. If this is how you make music because my, we were working all day and I would do like 48-hour days nonstop.

Mm-mm. And like constant. And then there would be a time where I would record from my, because he's like, let's make a hairy demo. Like, let's have, we'll work on your album while we're working on this guy's album. But your slots of recording is 2 a.m. to 7 a.m. Oh, fun. And so, like, I have to come up with songs like during this time. And I'm so exhausted from working all day.

And I remember, like, one of the times I was singing and I was so, uh, something. And the guy's like, ah, shit. This is shit. So bad. And I'm like, what the fuck? Like, he's like, get outside. And so he gave me a water. and the water was warm

and he gave me the water and he said, go outside until this freezes and then come back in when you realize how shit you sound. And I was like, what the fuck?

And so I did that and so I would go and I would talk to there was like some people next door that I would wave to and there's, it's so, I feel bad

but there was a guy in a wheelchair and I think he was like paraplegia they couldn't, you know, he had a nurse, he was our next door neighbor but she always put him out the window to look out

for like three hours at a certain point of the day so I'd just stand out and stay in there and all the things is getting cold and I would walk around. And I did this and I was like freaking out. I'm like, is this what music is like,

is this how it takes to be a, now we're talking about professionals. Now I'm in a professional studio. Aba just left the studio, like type thing. You know, and I'm like, okay, well, this is what I want. This is what I need to be doing, right? And like, it just kept being harder and harder. I was like, oh, it's like abuse. You got hazed instead of going to college.

And then I was like crying. Yeah. And then these guys brought me in. And they're like, this is just how we, like, we're not trying to haze you. We're doing this because we believe. in you. Okay. Right. So it's like tough love. Tough love. And music's

this like Swedish people I think are the greatest of all time. If you're like in music, songwriting, producing, or like they have there's an energy out there for some reason. And I think it's the discipline. And I think it's the focus and it's like this whole thing where I don't know how to be disciplined. I didn't come from that. I come from like America. Yeah, America. Also like I do what I want

to do. No one's going to tell me what to do kind of thing. And you don't have that discipline. And you goes to a different culture and they're like, yo, this is. how we clock in every day. And this is how we work every day. Wow. This is like we're focused. It's not like trying to shun me.

It's like keep up with us. Because this is how we're working. Right. And I remember calling my brother and I was like, I can't do this. Like I don't want to do this. It's too tough. He was like, well, okay. He's like, cool.

Like I'm going to start signing you up for Santa Monica College. And he was like, cool. Like I like, he's like my dad and everything. So he was like, cool. I'm signing you up for San Monica College now. And I was like, he's like, I'll get you a flight and you'll come back like this week. from Sweden. And I was like, what? And he was like, yeah, like, you try the music thing. Like, cool. Like, and I was like, no, but I still want to do music. He's like, no, you're doing music right now.

Right. You don't want to do music if you're going to do that. And I was like, well, and he's like, well, do you want that or you want to go to college? Because like, either way. And I was like, well, I don't want to go to college. He's like, so you stay. And like, if that's what you want. And I remember, like, he can tell you, like, this, it's switched up, like, right after that. Yeah. Where it was like a whole different, like, okay, this is actually what I want. So I don't care of have to sleep on the floor, which I was doing. It's up in an attic and on the floor with like a bed and a blanket when it was freezing and no heat in the place and get cold showers and like this whole thing where it was just

discipline. And I was like, I want to make music so bad. So now when I go to L.A. And they're like, do you want a runner to get you Starbucks or something? And you're like, what? No. Like, I will walk and I will do it. You have this whole discipline of work.

Like I want to get in and get it done. I don't want the professional studio feeling. I want the, you know, we used to, we set up a studio in one of the storage spaces and like, downtown. My friend that had a storage room, and then he was illegal because he was here from Sweden. And so he couldn't afford to do it. So he got a little storage space and turned it into a studio. So we'd go down there. That's where I love making music where it's uncomfortable. Still to this day, I can only make music when it's uncomfortable. I love that. Yeah. So where are you making you?

Um, downtown right now. Oh, baby. Where am I making music right now? It's like an old abandoned hospital. So good. Oh, and the songs I'm making are like really sad folk songs. So it gives me a vibe. It's so such a far departure from rap. Yeah, so we'll get. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, I'm like, yeah. So rap is where it's starting the whole thing. And now with the Swedes, I'm making pop music. Oh. Right? So it starts slowly because I'm singing. It's auto tune. Katie Perry, Kesher's blown up the charts at this time.

Pop. You know, yeah. Like, this is where it's at right now. You know, so I'm like, okay, cool. Like I'm trying to make really poppy songs, right? And we make them. come back to LA. He's at a light label,

and he actually enjoys the songs now. So we made it to a place where he's like, let's take it into a label. And so now, like, we start shopping around music, you know, and then we're like,

oh, it's not good enough. So, but now, like, I have a flow of what sound I kind of want, this kind of pop sound. So we're making music,

and now we're talking to labels, and then finally we find a label that is interested and that I was interested in them. And, like, I was a huge fan of them in the beginning. And we got this whole, like,

we made the whole album, more project that I wanted to make and it's very poppy and very cute or whatever. And I just turned 20 at this time. And it's Friday. We're meeting with the label. We're going to come by Monday. We're going to start contracts. We want to hear more things.

Like it's going to be a go. So me and him were like, what the fuck? We did it. You know, like after all these years, like there were so many moments where it could have gone. Right. Whether it's rap, whether it's other pop, whether it's like these things. Now it's finally about to happen. It's a Friday.

And I leave the label. We're excited. We're celebrating. Go home. And then my mom wakes me up like that night in the middle of my sleep. She's like, yeah, you're having an asthma attack. We've got to go to the hospital. So I'm like, I'll go to the ER like two in the morning, three in the morning.

And the nurse checks me and they just give me the inhaler and a ventilator kind of thing of machine. Did you have asthma? Yeah, really bad. You've grown up with it. With it. Yeah. So I grew up with it. So she was like, you're having it like you're choking in your sleep.

So she takes me to the hospital. the nurse checks me, it's the ER. She's like, oh, let's give you all the inhalers and the breath machine thing to, like, fill up my lungs. Nebulizer. Nebulizer. And randomly, the head of the doctor, because we're at the ER, so it's attached to the hospital.

The head doctor of the hospital left his bag or his laptop at the hospital. So he came back at night, like a 2.30 in the morning. And I was the only person in the ER, so he walks past me and I'm about to leave in like 10 minutes. And he's like, what happened to you? I was like, oh, I have asthma. He's like, can you cough from me?

Can you do all this stuff? And he was like, come with me. And he takes me into the hospital, turns on all the CT scans, the pet scans, the whole thing, puts me into all of it. Comes back. I'm waiting for like an hour with my mom. She this dude walking down the hall. And I was like, oh, fuck. I just knew it right away.

Yeah. I knew it because I also knew as a kid that I was going to get cancer. As crazy as that sounds. Like, I just didn't know when. Like, I see like a lot of, like, I feel a lot and I see a lot and I knew what was going to happen. And so when I saw him walking, I was like, I've seen this 100 times before in my life. And so I'm like bracing myself Because I'm know he's gonna say some crazy shit

And so I'm trying to brace myself for my mom So like he comes He puts the scans on the wall And he takes a knee I'm like oh fuck He's grabbing me He's like this is the hardest part about my job No

Like the years tumor is like all over your body type shit And my mom's like to be catch it early He's like you need to start now Like if it went on for another month I would have died of like easy Like not even a question But like...

And the asthma attack was unrelated to the cancer. It was just... Tumors pressing on my lungs and like things like that. So like they're like, my mom's like, I'm now funny guy again. For sure. So my mom's fucking freaking out. And I'm like, mom, you know, it can be worse. You're like, you know, whatever the fuck I'll say.

Oh, it's chill mom. Like, uh, whatever. Like, it is what it is. Then like, I'm driving home. We have to tell... We have to wake him up and tell him. Like, this whole thing of like... it started today.

Like I have to go do three surgeries in a week, then I have to start chemo the next week, then I have to do. And plus that, like, have, like, a really bad pneumonia, like really bad at the time.

So it was like, everyone's freaking out. Now I have family members that I haven't seen in 10 years flying to L.A. in a second. So I'm like, oh, fuck.

Like, it's serious. It's real life. And now I'm like, this funny guy who's about to get a record deal who just goes to, who now is like,

you may have a couple months, if that, right? And I'm like, whoa, is that what they said? That's what they thought. Like, yeah, in the very beginning, for sure, because they're like, it was leaning more towards, like, a leukemia.

And so, like, so we didn't know until we did this test, but we couldn't do the surgery until I got rid of pneumonia. Shit. Because you can't do any of that. So now I'm in the hospital. I'm, like, doing some, like, now I'm, like, on so much medication that I went from, like, I had to use a cane to walk and nurses to get me.

Like, it was, like, lost, like, 85 pounds. Like, this whole thing of, like, oh, now this is crazy. Right? And this is before I started. chemo type things. And then I have to like do all this stuff before we started the chemo and then got rid of it all. Then we started the chemo. Or I did all the surgeries like the spinal thing and like open chest like kind of like the biopsies and things like that. So like my body is just like so out of it. Then I'm just having family members come in and like I don't think I spoke like no

words. I don't remember that. I was blocked out. But he's like I didn't say words to anybody. I was just dead silent for two weeks. Right? Because then I'm like having people come in. So I'm like, I am bracing for death, right? And that's my biggest fear in life is, like, dying. Right? If I asked me as a kid, it's like, what's your biggest fear? It's like dying or losing a parent or doing something like that. So I was like, okay, now I have to like brace.

And then I have the conversation of like to my family members of like, if I do die, like, you know, I love you guys. Like those kind of things. Like my dad and like, you know, he had problems growing up. It's like kind of like kind of like forgiveness in my head of like he didn't mean to like, you know, be on drugs or things like that. He was the most beautiful human in the world and people have their traumas and their problems,

but it was like, this is the shift of my life right now is this moment of like, oh, whoa, like, death is right here. And it's like, what is my biggest fear? And then it comes to a point where I got to have peace with it. You know, because they didn't know if I was going to wake up my night every time I went to sleep. I was like, oh, if something pushes on my chest and I die in the middle of my sleep.

You know, so I was like, I don't know. And I had to come to a place of like, how do I find my, what the fuck is my purpose? Because now I'm looking back and I'm looking back at all the things I did as a kid and the things I said and the way I reacted towards people or past relationships or things I was happening. I'm like, oh, like, I did it wrong. Like I didn't live life through my lens. I lived life through other people's fucking lenses. Right.

You know, and I was like, maybe I'm supposed to die. I think a butterfly effect. So I'm like maybe something happens to me, something beautiful happened to my friends and family. Right. Maybe something that can remember or something like, oh, at least he like that can give. So then it became cool with that. So I was like, oh, like, live the way he would want kind of thing. So then I became like maybe my brother, my parents like something bad can happen.

Maybe there's a beautiful thing at the end of that, right? Because I was like, I didn't do my purpose right. Then I started having fucking visions. I started chemo. And this is another shift. It's a beautiful shift. My first chemo, I sat next to this woman. And you get into a room now.

Like this is like what chemo looks like. You walk into a room and you see the fucking white walls and the lights that are like vibrant as hell. You know, like that kind of thing. Forenscent lights. And just like the beep, beep. And you're like walking around and you're like, okay. And everyone's looking at me like, you're my grandchild because I'm 20 and you're not a pediatric patient at that point. You're considered an adult. So you are now 20 doing chemo with 65 plus I can't relate to anybody. So they're like, oh, you're like my grandchild. You shouldn't be here. And I get it. But I'm like, but I am here. So it's like, let's relate to a different way. And I'm like, you're cute and you shouldn't be here. But I'm dying too. Yeah. And I'm like in a weird way. Like I was blessed with it because I feel like I can't. and take things like that on, you know? And I'm like, okay, this is just,

I like to see my life as like a movie, so it's my lens again. But I remember I sat next to this woman named Bonnie and she was right here. She was like purple wig on, a pink wig, some weed in her bag. Like this whole thing, and she's just laughing. And she was like, oh, my God, grabs my hand.

She's like, this is your first time, that kind of thing? And I'm like, yeah. And she was like, this is going to fucking suck, right? Kind of thing. And she held my hand. She was like, but it's going to be okay. And she's like, distract. to me as they're putting the chemo in. Now there's like this orange bag. And now I'm like,

okay, this is like real life, right? So she's screaming, she's grabbing my hand, this stranger. I feel so comforted by her because I'm like, you're going through it right now and you've been going through it. So now you're like, this is my self of like comfort right now. I don't know. And it's like, no one else can relate besides this woman right here, Bonnie. So Bonnie's like, what do you love to do? Harry, tell me what do you love to do? And I was like, um, I love making music. She's like, oh, I love music. She's like, I have a question. Would you die for music? That was the first thing she said.

That's the first conversation we had. And I was like, huh? Like, I'm dying now, I guess, but I didn't say, I didn't know what that meant. So I was like, when I died of music? She said, yeah, like, would you put it all on the line for music? Like, would that be the last thing you want to do? And I was like, thought about it. I'm thinking about, like, you know, making music for maybe to escape something or get recognition.

Then I'm thinking about prior making music as an escape as a child. And then it was like, music just shaped me and gave me this, like, feeling of understanding my feelings. Other artists got to write feelings that I didn't know what a feeling was until I heard it. So I was like, I love fucking music. Music has changed my life personally. So I was like, yes, I would die from music. And she's like, no matter how sick you are, no matter how bad you feel, how nauseous, you know, how tired, you always put music before cancer now. So show up to the studio every day, whether it's a minute, whether it's five minutes, whether you're listening to someone else sing, whether you're writing a song.

She's like, show up every day like it's work. You know, you show up to chemo like it's school. You know, it's like those kind of things where she's like, what about your friends and family? I love them. Okay. Music, friends, family. Then you have cancer. Wow.

You know, it's like you're not a cancer patient. You're all these battling cancer, right? Kind of thing. And she's like, how old are you? 20. She's like, ah, 20. Like, 20s were my favorite years and my whole life. Like, oh, my God.

Like, she's like, my biggest regret in life is not journaling what I did in my 20s because she figured she had Alzheimer's and she was like, you know, going through a lot of heavy chemones. She's like, I don't remember anything I did in my 20s. I just know it was the best time of my life. Right? And so the next day, my brother got me a journal. He's like, start telling your story. So I've journaled in that every day for the last 10 years, nine years.

And like, just like I get to look back and then now I get to have a story. But this woman, she passed a week after that. But like, she like shaped again my whole life. And a lot of people I got close to their past because there was a lot of like a lot of life advice and things. Like my biggest regret, Harry. And like you're like my kid now. And things like that, which got really heavy to a point where I had to move rooms and be private because I was like losing a lot of people. But like that moment, that's where everything changed.

I was like, okay, now I get to fall in love with a whole different person. And that's so cool because it's like shedding skin. Right. And I believe that like we all have to do that at some point in life many times, like a snake. You know, and it's like that was my first layer, I think for now I just turned 20. And I'm like the first 19 years just got shed off in a beautiful way of like I love that person. who I was, but I wasn't that person.

You're not him anymore. You weren't him anymore. Yeah. You know, and it's that kind of thing of like shedding the funny things and shedding this where I'm like, okay, funny can work because now I'm the most entertaining kid

in the cancer community. I walk into chemo, what the fuck is up? The nurse is I'm like, shut up. Like, you know, and everyone's like, this kid is out of his mind showing up with like Taco Bell and like eating like fucking blah blah, blah, and like trying to like bringing his friends

all the time and like, yeah, like, it's like this disruption and like this way where everyone's like we need this. Yes, we do. You know, because there's like this young, lively thing. We're all like, the patients were like, oh, it's so fun when he brings his friends over. And things like that and like whatever it was. But I'm like, okay, like, if I have an opportunity, I'm going to fight for it. And I felt like this was the time where I was like, oh, I can beat this. You know, and I'm like, I'm going to be good.

And I started focusing on music. I started having like some of my best friends, we all started becoming closer. I lost a lot of friends. You know, a lot of friends that are like, we don't know how to deal with that. And I get it. You know, some of my closest friends where I'm like, they're like, we don't know how to see best friend die and we don't know how to be there. It's a lot to face. You know, and so for me, I was like, what the fuck? How do you guys not be here? But then, like, I was like,

I got older. I was like, I understand that because we don't not know how to do that. Yeah. You know, and like, I get emotional talking about them. I'm like, yeah, like, that was probably, like, sucked. But then I started meeting a lot of new friends and, like, started having experiences and, like, some of like, you know, so many opportunities. Good morning America and things. And now my idols are reaching out because I'm the first person on Instagram. or not one of the few who's promoting their Instagram, just straight chemo and cancer. Like that's how I started getting a following.

I was told to not do it. They're like, hey, maybe it's best to not do it because it can be uncomfortable with people to watch and da-da-da-da. And things like that. And I was like, I want to show the whole process of what chemo is and like me smiling and me doing these things. I started promoting on Instagram. So then people started being like, we support you.

I started getting like tens of thousands of letters at our house. And my mom would tape them all over the walls. like getting like, you know, of all these people, like, we're rooting for you and we get it. And like, you know, it was like such a crazy feeling where like, I'm doing all these things and like, you know, doing phonathons with Celine Dion. I'm like, why am I? Like, it's like, it's like these things while I'm going through it still. Like I'm like, I'm still sick, you know, but like it was more of a thing of me being like,

well, whatever happens, like I know there's so many people like me going through it. And there's so many people who don't know how to talk. It's very short. Like, it's very quiet conversation. It's like, cancer. It's like, don't jinx me or like, I don't want to talk about it. Or like, even with patients who survived it, it's like, ah, I don't want to bring it back up because it's traumatizing, right? I think the whole journey of the chemo was kind of just like, and cancer was under, it was like the shedding of a person.

And as weird as it is, chemo like literally makes you bald and shed everything. Right. Literally shed, too. takes all of your toxic and cells and things, whatever, it flushes it all out. And so you kind of do renew everything. So it's like, how do I want to be now? Right? And so then I started heavily meditation and like heavily medicating myself. No, I'm going to. No, no, no, no. I started like heavily doing like meditation and readings and like, do you guys know Lake Shrine in Palestine? Oh, it's the best. That's where my grandma and I used to go when I was a kid. No way. Yeah, I grew up going there.

every Sunday when I was in L.A. Is that the realization? Yeah. Church is self-realization. I started going there a lot because it was near my, near the hospital I was going to, and it's just like a beautiful garden, and there's a meditation room, and you can walk around and sit. Like, they have gone these ashes there.

Like, just a really beautiful, like, spiritual experience, right? And so I started going there. Then I got a job, like, washing windows there for a little bit. And then, like, it's like a weekend or two. Not like a whole thing. I'm not trying to make it seem like, ah, I was doing it. I was like, I was trying to volunteer. I just signed up for like volunteering.

So it's like passing out flyers or like washing something or whatever. Because I was like, I am devoted to what's happening here. So I started reading a lot about Yogananda who brought yoga to here. And, you know, the whole meditation. And he started becoming like a guide for me. How do you say it? Pramahaansa, Yongana. Yeah.

I always say it. But the autobiography of a yogi changed my life. Incredible. You know, like fully changed my life. And that kind of shaped me into who I want to be. become and that was all like after the battle with cancer and like thank god like i got through it and then it was kind of like what do i do next right you took it and it was an opportunity yeah because it was like it wasn't an opportunity for me to just like okay well i'm healed and now what do i

do now it's like you know we were building my charity so i have a charity called hey i'm here for you yeah guys could check it out no it's like it's like we're still we're still like the process of it, but it's like we just built a center in Nashville at Vanderbilt. And so it's a teen cancer center. So what it is is for 13 and 19 year old pediatric patients because also 19 year old is doing chemo with a 4 year old. So you're going to be like, I don't want a fucking like, at least I lived enough life, a 19 year old, you know, and then you're like, but you're still 19 and then that kid's,

it's fucking with your head. It's so heavy. So you're like, I should be this person's big bro or whatever, but then I also don't have anybody for me to talk to. Because I've talked to a lot of kids going through it. And so we built a space with teen cancer America. and that's a company that was founded by like Roger Dalton and Pete Townsend from the Who. And they started, it was called Teenage Cancer Trust in the UK and they brought it out here.

And they saw me on Good Morning America. So they helped me like bring it out here with them from when I was sick. And so I've known them for like 10 years now. Like that like a couple Geraldine and Simon, like they started it and brought it out here with them. But they build out teen cancer lounges in hospitals. So they have like hundreds of hospitals that they built these lounges in. And it's for 13 and 9 year olds to have a space where they can come in something like this. You know, there's recording studios, there's a gyms, there's, you know, TVs, there's, you know, things like that where people can come and feel like they can relate to somebody.

Yeah. Because it's illegal for, say, we're on the same floor doing chemo and we have similar interest and we have the same nurse, but they couldn't introduce us. They couldn't name you. They couldn't mention what you have. They can't name your interest because it's under HIPAA laws, they can't do that. But if we walked down the hall and we bumped into each other and you had a Laker jersey on or something, I'm like, oh, I like the Lakers too. whatever it is, right? It's like, then we can start the conversation. Then you can like, okay, cool, then you guys should hang out. So you've got to put them in the same environment. Yes. People don't know that. Wow. So you feel really lonely. Is there any other kids? I would ask all the time. Is there any other kids? Like around here, like, whatever, like near my age. They're like, oh, like, you can't tell you. You know, and like they watch as they want to.

And the nurses are like the sweetest people in the world. But so we just built one in Nashville. Why Nashville? So it's funny. So it's going to get more deep. We like it. We like the, we like the, we like the devil. Um, four and a half years ago now, I want to say, maybe five, life, probably five. That's fucking crazy. Me and my brother and my dad, it was like round Christmas time. And he was like being like, we got to go to Nashville. We're like, dad, like, we ain't really got money right now like that. Like, to go to get up and go to Nashville. Like, let's do Christmas in Nashville. Like, it'd be so much fun. Me and the boys, like, my dad's obsessed with country music, folk music. This is where the whole shift happened.

Made us watch Westerns all the time as a kid. Only country music. So I wasn't really a fan. someone who says like, oh, I'm listening to in the car. Like, I want like, mbop, you know what I'm saying? I don't want, I don't want Johnny Cash right now as a little kid. You know, it's like that thing. But, you know, we got older. My dad's like, we got to go to Nashville. We have to see the Johnny Cash Museum.

We got to see Elvis. Like, we got to go to Memphis. We got to do this whole thing. And so I was like, that sounds awesome, but we can't do it now. And like, we're very adamant about, like, let's not do that because we don't have money and we don't want to waste that. And unfortunately, like two months after our dad passed, like randomly. What?

Like from a heart attack. Yeah. Like, what old was he? 60, just turned 60. And I was 23. He must have been 27, right? So I was like, this is two years after chemo where I'm like, oh, like life. And let's not talk about rock bottom.

If I thought I knew anything about death, fuck no. No. Not even a little bit. Wow. And so I'm like, do you want to talk about like two biggest fears happened in my early 20s like from each other where I'm like, everything is fine? You know, I made this whole album. Now, this time I signed a rock nation.

And my dad got to experience it. I signed a Jay's E, who is my idol. Like, things were happening. And it was like, whoa, like, he was seeing it in real time. People promoting my music. Like, it's actually, like, happening. So my dad got to be there and part of it. And we did a whole short film called King Cowboys Cry for my first album.

So I signed to the label. And they're like, so we should do a music video. I was like, I need to do a movie that I just wrote. And you're like, what the fuck? Who is this? Like, okay, it makes no sense. Like, we didn't even have that budget. I was like, I need it.

I need to do it all. I need to do a short film. And it was like, I wanted to make a short film for my dad. I wanted him to like my music so much that I made this cowboy. You guys can watch it. It's called Can Cowboys Cry? And it's a whole short film about like all my songs and me being like this like heartbroken cowboy is trying to figure out life kind of thing. But through my music.

And I made this album and like two days before it came out, my dad passed. And I was like, what the fuck was that? So now this whole thing was like an homage to my dad because I'm like, why did I even do most of the country? Like it was like all like country driven. It was for him. Yeah. What the fuck? For sure.

You know? And like right after that. I had my first concert a day after he passed. And I was like, my dad... And you did it? Yeah. Wow. Well, my dad...

Because he would have wanted you to... I have this tattoo right here and it says, singers sing. Yeah. Because my dad would be like, we'll be like, really living and be like, Harry, sing me that song he wrote. And I was like, dad, no, it's not good yet. Like, it's fucked up. He's like, Harry, what the fuck? He's like, singers sing.

You know that? He's like, singers fucking sing. That's all he would do. Singers fucking sing. I'm like, ah, dad, it's not good enough. Like, I need to impress you. You know, he's like, I don't care. right and so like after you pass

I'm like it's my first show ever like you can't not you have to label people to this thing and like you know I just hear this fucking voice everyone's like don't do it it's all good and I was like here like singer sing like I'm so sorry I knew he did not want to leave you know and he's like singer's fucking sing I'm like yeah you're right

and so I go up and I do it and I don't know how do you can do that and I'm like yo I kind of like after that blacked out for like two years and then COVID happened but I toured nonstop for two years right after that so after that it was just constant tour nonstop like traveling and touring so I didn't really have time to grieve. And then the world stops.

And I'm like, what the fuck? What the hell just happened. You're like, hello. Yeah. And then rock bottom came like during COVID. Oh, fuck. I was like, okay, because I've had all this distractions. I'm like, I'm going to help people.

Yeah. I'm going to do all this stuff. Like, I was trying to help people during cancer, you know? And I was like, it's not for me. Like, it's like me and God. And we have something powerful going on here. And like, is how I felt. And then when COVID, I was like, okay, how do I learn how to love myself?

Yep. You know, like, what is that process like? You said you didn't have the tools, and now you might have some tools that you discovered in that, right? What were they for you? Well, I think it was just more of like a morning routine, I think, is like the most perfect thing. I love helping people and caring for people, and then I'll do it to a point where I'm

like, who am I? Right. And I'm like, what am I doing? Like, I like that stuff that, like, you know, I'd make 40 people food before I ate kind of thing, you know, like those kind of things where I'm like, I just want to give yeah and then COVID made me want to not do shit I don't give I don't want to take I just want to sit here and like figure it out and then I kind of just like did that for too long and I'm like I don't even know who I am so I lost myself out of the whole thing and I think through like finding that morning routine which is I start therapy

right and for the first time for the first time at that time I'll start therapy for like a week and then I'll stop. He's like for the first time that week. That one time. With that person I talked to. Which is also super tough. But then it comes to a point where like I'm very Gemini. I'm very air signed, very floaty, like constantly.

And it's very hard. If I, sometimes I'm too far, you can't bring me down. You know, like, and I need that groundedness to not be depressed and not have anxiety because I'm like, which is like putting my feet in the dirt in the morning. You know, like actually. Feeling the earth on your feet. feeling the earth on your feet or like keeping yourself really like truly grounded you know certain types of food certain types of things that can be like okay like i am here not like yeah and during

covid i'm like okay how do i keep the ground in it so as the morning routine waking up sunrise putting my feet in the dirt you know working out um journaling reading a book reading something new keep your brain going by all that now it's like 8 a.m and you're you're like, I just did so much. Right? And you're like, okay, now I get to focus on the other things. Like, what makes me happen? Music, work, you know, meetings and things like that throughout your day.

Like, relationship, you know, like, figure out how to family time, you know, you know, like spending time with just like little, little things. So how can you go throughout your day? But I think finding those tools. And then I lost the tools again, right? And so now this week I'm actually going, have you heard of OnSight? Yeah. I'm going this week. Amazing.

I guess it's like for your mental health. It's like one of those check-in places. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they take your phone for like eight days. Great. So I'm still in the process of healing, right? I'm still in the process, which is why I want to come on the show because it's like, I'm not fucking. I don't have answers, but I want to talk about healing and talking about tools and processes of like how to do that.

Because I'm sure there's so many people who have tools, the key to like happiness is just like consistency of being content with the moment, I feel like. And it's like, how do you wake up? Even if you wake up depressed, which is me a lot, I'll wake up, like, I'm bipolar. So I'll wake up and be like, I'm angry. And they're like, why? She'll be like, why are you angry? I have no idea. I woke up.

I was like, I had to have a good dream last night, but I'm fucking pissed. And she's like, what? Like, you know, and it's like, sometimes I don't know. And that's totally okay. Of course. And that's totally fine. But then finding the tools I can help you come back to center. You know, my favorite thing.

And I usually notice it when I go to like, I get like a morning coffee or macho usually. I talk to the barista and I'll be like, you know, it's usually like, how are you doing? It's usually like, I'm good. Pay, why? Like, bye. That's how like I've been? Yeah. But I'm usually like, how are you?

How is your life? You know, they're like, I'm good. How are you? I'm like, I'm so depressed. You know? And then they'll be like, well, can I be honest? I'm so fucking depressed too. This job is so tough.

And then it's like, yo, I get it. And I have more of those conversations that you would think of people being like, no one fucking wants to work that unless they own the shop. And they're working in. It's a dream. Amazing. But it's like people have goals and people have like dreams that they actually want to accomplish. And it's realistically you can't accomplish them.

Yeah. Right. Knowing how to do it, knowing the right people, which is all possible. Right? And it's like, which is the reason like I started my foundation. You know, okay, I'm here for you because it's like for these kids who are 13 to 19 who don't have. You're coming from places where it's like, especially in the south. Like people were coming from no service places.

People are coming from like places like in the cuts because this is Vanderbilt's one of the top cancer research. centers and top facilities there is like so it was very long story short my dad wanted to go to Nashville right sorry I'm so sorry I keep fucking forgetting where I'm at he wanted to go to and then after he passed those people said hey um do you want to build a cancer center I said yes I was like where where is there available and there said something else and they said Nashville and I said it's in Nashville done and so I went to Nashville we stayed there for a couple months I try to meet like everybody there I could possibly meet every one of my dad's favorite country singers I'm friends with their kids now

Like just be like I'm out here You know just to feel my dad And like hey like these And then they accepted me into that community And Nashville is like my favorite place in the world It's incredible city My favorite place What's your dad's name?

Richard Richard Richard He'd be so hyped to be fucking Yeah He's hyped right now I wanted to hear his name But yeah

So we built it there And it's kind of like this like Forever home that he has Yeah You know kind of thing And it's like really special to go and see like something that you get to build and it's going to be there forever. Yeah.

And you go and you visit. Yeah. So this year is going to be really focused on that. So you guys should definitely come visit. Absolutely. They have Ryan Sechrist built his studio in it. Oh, really? And so they have a radio station inside the place, but strictly for the kids.

So all the kids get to listen, they can tune in in the middle. That's so cool. So he has that. And then I have the Hey, I'm Here for You Center above it. Right now it's just a meditation room with TV, cool desks. But I'm getting all my friends to like donate their clothes. So like every month, they're going to get stocked with like cool makeup and cool clothes. Dude, you tell me like I want to do whatever I can.

So it's just like, and so these kids are going to get this like cool opportunity, right? So I've always wanted to make, my dream is to build a hospital. But I'm like, how do you have to start by putting your foot in the door. So this is the first foot in. But it's like, how do you make the Disneyland of hospitals? If I'm about to go to chemo, like I'm about to be hyped. Yeah. So it's like if for this one specifically, I want to get to the whole world eventually.

But like, for me, I'm like, why do I have so many connections and things? not to be like, hey, put this song out or do this. Like, amazing. If my passion reaches the masses in a way that it's supposed to be, it's gonna be naturally. But through this, there's a whole different, like purpose feeling of like, there's something so much bigger and there's so much reach that you can do,

but if a kid is coming to go to chemo and they know that like, wait, this is a, hey, I'm here for you, center where I'm about to do chemo, like my life can change. Right, yeah. Because the whole focus is, whatever you want to do, I'm going to provide it.

So if a kid comes in and I want to be a scientist, all right, well, we're teaching up with the Vanderbilt school. So I'm going to get contact with the college. We're going to get you a tutor. We're going to get you, you know, so you're going to start locking in every week about that. You know, eventually we're going to start building it like that or you want to make music. Okay, well, I'm going to give you a recording setup. I'm going to get you an engineer. I'm going to have you learn how to make music, record yourself, the business of music.

Like, wherever you want to find your field, if that's what you want to do, like we're going to provide. Right? It's like, you know, like there's make a wish and there's things that are all beautiful things, but it's like there's not one that caters to an individual in a group. Right, right. I keep hearing in my head, one of the things, I've been to the hospital a lot with one of my younger children. We've spent a lot of time in the hospital. And my mentor at the time was like, let's change it from you have to be there to I get to be here. And it got to the point where I could sit there and remind myself, I don't have to be here. I'm not a victim for being here. I get to be here. Absolutely.

And that's like what it sounds like you want those kids to experience. Like it's legitimately taking that victim and gifting them one of the most incredible experiences that they wouldn't be gifted had they not had that, right? Yeah, because I see that. It's like you get the kid who misses prom, you know, misses their big football game or, you know, like, all these. Or their first day of high school. Right. You know, and it's like, oh, like, especially young women, young guys, imagine going bald at that time. Right.

Especially now with social media, a 15-year-old girl goes bald, like, and they can't afford a wig. And you can't, like, you're going to get bullied no matter what because kids are not fucking mature enough yet to understand how to like, even if they don't want to bully them, they're going to look at them weird. do these things and it's so tough. And so like we'll provide therapy and mental help for these kids. Mental health. They don't have that in hospitals. I mean, that seems like such a no-brainer. Yeah.

You don't even know. And it's like these things where these special little moments like me and Jaden Smith, we got to like that's one of my closest friends. We got to go. He travels with me sometimes to these cancer centers because you don't come and people love him. You know, and we met this kid a couple months ago in Nashville and, you know, he loved Jaden and they started talking about Fortnite in video games and so like they exchanged numbers and like me and Jada were at dinner he's like I'm like who you texting he's like oh you remember that kid

that way you guys whatever whatever but unfortunately like his mom hit me up and he was like he just passed like he wasn't he he wasn't even that like they didn't like we thought he was gonna be totally fine because Jain was gonna give him like a whole gaming system or like getting it ready for it and like the mom hit me up and was like I just want you to let me let you know that you guys made his like he would not stop talking about Jaden you know and I'm like you know it's like those things where you get to provide even a moment like that, like it breaks my heart because it's happened several times with us because I'll bring him somewhere because kids love him.

And I'm like, you know, there's certain things where it's so much bigger. And we all see it and it's like, okay, it's not just about like, what's the bigger thing, right? And these kids, he got a moment, but it's like, he was texting and he was like, yeah, I'm getting like, hang, like, and we're talking video games and doing this stuff. And this kid looked up to, like, James was like his idol. So it was like really cool to have to bring that.

But I'm like, beyond that, there's experience. kids want to be seen. They want to be loved. They want to be heard. And there's not equal opportunity everywhere. Right? And everybody's like, LA. It's like not a real town. Growing up out here. It's like it's like not real. It's like it's like at all. It's different though. If you grow up here, right? You have such a different perspective than everyone who comes here for it. For sure. For sure. And I think it's like, people like, how did you grow up? Like how is it a real place? We're like, no, it's just like it's home. But look it. Real life happened to you, regardless of where you were. I mean, you've had a lot of real life for a young man. It doesn't

matter. Real life finds people no matter what the situation is. She lost her dad at 15. Sorry, I always do this. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. At, you know, nowhere. And she's a spiritual psychologist. Like, all the things that like you're hitting on. I just got to put her own blast a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. How did you find healing and answers to that? Because of that young, I don't. I mean, I think that I had to in order to survive. You know, like my dad died. He was shot by a police officer. and at that point my mom went off the deep end my sister and my brother like everybody and I remember one night I was laying in bed and I was crying and it felt like blood like it just felt like oh like I'm dying from the inside out and then I remember this just warmth came over me

and it was just a warmth like you were saying when that guy embraced you yeah it's that warmth that you can't explain. And I was like, whatever that is, that's spirit. And I think that that's what started me on my path. It's funny that you say that because there was a moment I just forgot until you said that. But it was the night before I did my open chest surgery. And there is this, this is like a wild moment. So it's very spiritual. But have you heard of the book of Kabbalah, the Zohar. Okay, so I had, we were all like, it's like, I had a 6 a.m. surgery. It's probably like 9 p.m. about to go to sleep soon or whatever.

And I'm in the hospital bed. This is those two weeks where I wasn't talking. And a rabbi walked, this is like a joke, but he's like a rabbi walk in the real life, real life story. But a rabbi walked into my room with the Zohar and was like, hey, like, you know, I have a group out here and we want to pray for you. I'm dark right now. So I'm like, I didn't say anything, but in my head, I'm like,

what the fuck of your prayer is going to do? You know what I'm saying? What is this going to do? You know, why are you? I was mad. So mad. But I'm like, and I'm also hurting. I'm also scared.

And so I'm like, whatever. And my dad is very spiritual. My dad's like, yes, like holding him. Like, let's go. And the guy gives me a book. He's like, this is the Zohar. It's small. It's pocket book.

He's like, this is a book of healing and protection. You know, you put it on where it hurts at night or you keep it on your pillow. Then I have a tattoo of it's like a faded thing of it. Which is funny because you're not supposed to get tattoos. Right. I'll show rabbis. I got the Zohar and they're like, no, no, no, no, don't do that. Oh, man, I got that omen or something.

I don't know what I did. But I remember it was like I had like two IVs in for some reason. I remember when I had to go to the bathroom. I have to press a button and the nurse comes and takes one of them and I have to carry one of them to the bathroom. So it's a whole process to go to the bathroom, right? I'm using a decafator. I'm chilling because I don't want to go to the bathroom. That's what you pee yourself.

We've done that when we had. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's the best thing. It's so, we're like, don't you wish you could always have that? Yeah, 1,000 percent. Like, I'd be peeing right now. I would be so happy.

We should get them. We really should. That's what I'm saying. I wouldn't have to leave. But, so, like, it was very difficult. So I'm kind of going this whole thing. And I remember everyone left,

and I'm in the bed, and I'm facing this way. And there was a couch over there where you guys are and I tossed the Zohar over there. When he left. I'm not keeping this book where I'm sleeping or whatever. I'm so uncomfortable. I'm like, no book's good. Help me kind of thing.

And then my mom, my brother, my dad, they left to go home. They were going to come back and come in the morning when I did the surgery. So everyone leaves and I fall asleep, everything's chill. And then I feel like someone stroking my arm like this. And I'm like, oh, I feel so good. It's like that kind of thing. And I felt this really warmth. And usually the nurse will slowly wake you up because you have to take your blood every two hours.

So you have to wake you up and then poke you. It's the worst. Awesome. And so I'm feeling this. I'm putting my arm out like, okay, she's just trying to wake my arm up. And then I felt like this warmth wrap around me. Like, exactly that feeling. And then someone whispered it in my ear, like, you're going to be okay.

And like, everything's going to be okay. And I felt like a kiss on my head. I remember this so well. And like, that was it. Right? And I felt this warmth. And I looked up and no one was there. And then this is a true story.

And it could have just been high on drugs, but I believe it was. real. But when I woke up, I was clenching the book like this to my chest, like holding it like this. And my mom was like, my mom took a picture mom and came in in the morning. She's like, oh, you look so cute when you're gripping your book. And I was like, how was I gripping the book? How did you give it to me? And she said, no. Remy, did you give it to him? No. Dad, did you give it to him? No. Nurse, did you bring the book over and give it to him? No. So either I got up, which I couldn't. No. And like, I don't know what happened. And there's a real life story.

That's not like, I don't know. I believe it. One thousand percent. And so that moment changed. Again, because I was like, okay, I can do the chest surgery. So I'm laughing. I'm doing this whole thing. It's like ER, I'm in the, push me down in the cold room, the whole thing. And I'm like, after that I felt peace. Wow. When I was then I started talking again, I was a whole different person.

What is your connection like spiritually now? Beyond. Well, my mom. Yeah, he looks like he knows. He's like, I brought Jesus. Well, our mom is very, like, intuitive. Yeah. So, like, mom, we grew.

up with very, I was like, you know, my mom would. What's your mom? I feel that in you, by the way. Susan? Susan. She's a beauty. She's, I love Susan. I love you, mom.

She's the greatest. She's super woman. But she's funny as fuck. But she, as a kid would, like, be on some witch shit, like, call out, like, she would have psychics around and friends around their mediums and things where I'm like, she'll be really intuitive. And I'm like, you used to call her a witch all the time. My mom, like, you're a witch, like, you know, type things.

Or she was very, you know. what I am now. But she, she, like, opened up this whole sense of, like, universal, I think spirituality for me, growing up in a Catholic church,

I practiced every religion because I try to find every answer, possibly, you know, and yeah, so I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, what are the answers? Who is heaven? What is God? Which one should I believe in? You're like, you know, and then you come down to,

like, it's all one thing, you know, all of us is one thing. But I think going to that, I don't know what the fuck I was talking about. My mom, spirituality, so many ghosts as a kid I saw. Please tell us.

I want to do that. Who were they? Were they children? No. Oh, no. So this is how I started seeing ghosts. I would always be afraid. We lived on the third floor apartment building

two bedroom, like for some reason I would always lock my door. Yeah. I can't trust. No. My mom's like, what the fuck you do it? You lived in. You do it.

to lock it into it. But no, like not an apartment building. Like, whatever it was. And lock the house door, but not my bedroom door. And I remember I would lock it because, like, I would see somebody all the time. And I said, why you always lock the door? I was like, I never told her because I was like, I think I'm crazy. Sometimes the toilet would flush and sometimes things would, like, happen.

Whatever. I just remember one time I was walking to get water and I would always sprint to the kitchen. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, the old night's-in kitchen room for sure. They're all watching me. Everyone's watching me. So I'm sprinting.

I get the water and I'm looking around. I'm looking around. It fills up. It takes a while it filled up. So I'm looking around. And then I saw a man on the couch. Nope. And so I was like, oh, and I like stopped in my tracks and I realized he was kind of like glowing. And away I'm like, okay, he's not real. This is a real life story, by the way. And I'm like, whoa, I didn't know what to say. And I started just like talking, but without talking, it was in other words. And he just started sending me information. Oh, sounds like an acid trip. Yeah, literally. Imagine a guy he's sitting down on my couch. He has a martini glass and he's smoking a cigarette.

This is all going on my couch. So I'm like, what the fuck? And then he was like telling me that like, I'm watching over you. Like, da-da-da, like, he's gay. He was like, all these things where he was just like spread. Like he can't stop smoking cigarettes. Like the war got to him and all shit. So I'm like, what the fuck?

This is a real life thing. And so I go to my room and I keep all asleep. And then one day my mom was like, what's like, she called me. I was like, mom, like, I think I see your uncle. And she was like, okay, like, why do you say that? And I was like, I don't know. Like, this is what I'm seeing. I was like, I see a figure.

What do you see? And I was like, well, this guy. And he's been telling me these kind of things. And he has this martini glass and a cigarette. My mom started breaking down. She's like, yeah. That's my uncle. That's your great uncle.

And she's like, well, this is weird because I saw a medium a couple weeks ago. And she, like, my mom was at dinner. And the woman was like, hey, Sue, can you tell Bill to stop flicking my hair? And so I'm like, what? So I was like, and this is in our house. And so my mom was like, Bill, stop flicking her ear. And then she's like, no, like he's not, like, he's like really annoying. Now he's playing with my hair.

So I was like, Bill, like, stop. Like, can you ask Bill why he's even here? And then she was like, oh, he is here to watch over your youngest son. Ooh. Oh. And then she was like, okay. Like, well, we have his ashes in her, in my mom's like room for some reason. She's like, well, what should we do with the ashes?

And he's like, I don't give a fuck. I'm dead. You know? And she was like, okay, that's how he talks. Yeah, that's what I would say. Yeah, so she's like, okay, whoa, weird. And then I told her that. My mom's like, okay, well, yeah, that is him.

And he is watching over you. And I was driving his car at the time. And so, like, what a trip. And then I started just like, it started unleashing where I would go to places, my friend's houses and things. And you would just start seeing ghosts. I wonder if it was him in the hospital.

No. It was definitely my grandma. Oh, because it was like the sweet. Yeah. Oh, okay. And she, my, And she used to do that. I never met her.

Oh shit. But she was my dad's mom and she passed away right before I was born from cancer. Oh. But it felt like I got to see the next life. Yeah. And I saw her because I did, I got to see her. Wow. And it was a very like clear visual.

And that moment was like, you can call it what you want to call it. But I woke, this is all I remember. And I woke up from surgery after this moment. But I remember waking up, which I thought was from surgery. And I'm in a room, which I thought was a hospital room. So like, I guess. up and I feel like so light. And I'm like, oh, there's no cords on me.

There's nothing. And I was like, a surgery went amazing. That's how I'm feeling in my head. And this is the real life thing that's going on in my head. And there's curtains like this. And I opened up the curtains and I realize that I'm just floating on water. And it was just like me floating on water in a room, but the room was perfect. Like, everything was perfect.

I just felt so good. And I remember going out into this balcony where it is. And I saw my grandma watering yellow roses. Like in a, there was a little island. in the water like a little sand pit like patch and she was watering these roses and they were growing out of the sand. Wow. And she looked up and she was like, wow, like it's so great to finally meet you. And she was like, you look like more beautiful than I can imagine. And she's like, sweetie, but I can't meet you like this. Like you need to go back. This is a real life thing. And I was

like, what? And I couldn't comprehend what was even happening. Because I was like, I don't want to go back. I want to be here. Oh my God. With the yellow roses. Yeah, with this water. Yeah. This is a real life thing. She said, you have to go back. And I was like, and you have to go back and I was like what? And then I felt someone grabbed my shoulder and then I felt like 50 hands grabbed my like body. And then I walked back into the bed and then I woke up and then like I was actually in like woke up from the surgery. Out of the hospital. Yeah. Do you think you kind of, do you think you passed to the other side for a minute? Like I don't. I'm not going to say I just feel like I am after that moment. I'm not afraid of death. Oh. Because you saw like it was too clear.

It was too clear. It was way too clear. Yeah. Wow. It was. And I can remember like yesterday. Like, it was way too, like, oh, if there is a place we go after this, like, we're good. We are chill. Oh, my God. You know? And so, like, when my dad passed, it took a while. I'm like, oh, he's definitely there. You know, kind of vibe.

Yeah. Like, my dad lost, like, is, like, a lot of his closest people in his family. So, like, for him, I'm like, oh, he's at peace. Yeah. Cool ass way. And, like, you know, I think from that moment, I started really grousing on to, like, there's something so much bigger than this. And I think for people right now, especially. is like, you know, I've talked to friends and their little brothers who are like, I'm depressed at 11.

Yeah. Like, the girl got mad because I didn't know if it was they or them or if I was, you know, it's like, these things that are happening now where it's like, you can't put that pressure on a child. And then kids are getting bullied by it now because they don't know how to talk or react to it because it's like, oh, yeah. Yeah, that's not okay. My friend had to fly it, like, you know, take his brother, his brother, like lives back east and he he like flew him out here so we all hang out.

You know, he's a younger 12 years old. And, like, you know, like, he's just like, you know, like, this girl, like, da-ta-da-ta-me because I didn't do that. He's like, well, I'm kind of like, chubby. I'm like, you're 11, dude. Like, you're talking about, bro. Yeah. Like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But there's so much pressure from social media. It's social media. I want to look like this person or this thing where it's like, let's like, I want to try to help people escape, you know, in a beautiful, not in a way of like, from themselves, but like, balance it. You can have social media. It's not a bad thing.

It's a beautiful tool. Anything is a beautiful tool if you make it. If you know how to use it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, yeah, thank you. But I'm like, I don't, I don't like, you know, I'm glad I didn't grow up with

the social media. But now I'm like, oh, like, I don't even know. That's what I'm saying. I don't know how to act on social media. I'll post something and overthink when I'm about to say 20 times. I'm like, it could be offensive or could be weird. Is it like people liking it? Like what I get enough comments?

What the, what is that even? What am I doing? Right. What is it? It's really a mind fuck. We were actually going to ask you about. that because when looking at your social media, you're not like, look at me, look at me. You're not someone that posts a lot. Like, you don't have a lot out there. And like, that made

us question. We're like, I wonder what his relationship is with it. Is with it, you know? Because I think I started, like, being heavy on social media. And like, some of my friends are like social media, you know? And it's like, I'm like, that's there. Like, they can kill that. They do that. You know what I'm saying? And for me, I'm just like, I just exist. And I want to just try to explain my story, but I think I deleted a lot of stuff on Instagram and things. Yeah. Oh, so you've like got rid of it. I got rid of it. And just kind of just like, for the last two and a half years,

kind of just like, I'm not going to post as much. Yeah. And not be so present because I'm like, I want to build out the music I want to make. I want to travel with that music. Like, we're working on a show right now and it's like, this is not a concert kind of show. Yeah. Because I don't like when you walk into a show and it's lights off and

and you're really excited because the artist you're about to see is going to come on and they do this magical get up and then like it kind of dies down and you watch the show and you're like oh it's cool and they sang my three favorite songs or whatever like how do we bring this feel like it's like I'm trying to create a show where it's like you leave the house and then you go back but like I am a whole different human so like the music we're making right now it's like we're dropping singles starting in February back making music but it's like every song I dropped comes in the meditation version of the song oh my god so I'll play for you guys but it's like yeah it's like the first song we're releasing is called emotional hangover and like the idea I'm like what would you want to listen to with a hangover just in general like when you wake up in the morning yeah and so there's like a five minute meditation version to it just play it for five minutes and it's really just like a car ride driving thing but everything I'm putting out there's a reason behind it yeah you know because I don't want to just put out music and do this and try to be like everyone else and it's like how do I how do I showcase me right because you're more than just the formula yeah and I think I think I could make music and that's my happy place it's like going to the hospital studio. I can't with that. That's so good. It's so good.

And sending like, you know, just like trying to figure out what I can say. And I think that goes back to the folk music because folk music is very like singer songwriting and they have a story to tell and they're not afraid to tell it in a cool way. Which I find myself like falling into love with that pocket more. I say it's like euphoric folk. I love it. It sounds very euphoric. Yeah.

Your voice is gorgeous. Yeah. It's so beautiful. Thank you. I go send you guys. the songs. Yeah. But yeah, so I'm like, that's what I'm focusing on now is just trying to create the next level of art for people. If you want to leave the house, I want you to leave the house and be like, that was weird as fuck. Yeah. Like, you know, a show can maybe sing for five minutes

and you guys come and we do the podcast on the concert. Yeah. And then meditate. And then meditate. Yeah. I was like, wait, what just happened? Yeah. I want every show to be different where it's like, that was so random. You just wanted an experience. And like everything has an intention behind it, too. Yeah. It's so good. Now I'm thinking about I have a question for you. Oh, no, nothing bad. I just think of like social media age, like, you being on one of like the biggest shows at a time when there wasn't social media. Yeah. How did that, like, we were mental during that time.

Because I feel like during that process, there was like a whole, like, it was like a moment of like, I don't know. I feel like that time was like crazy. It was different for sure. Like it's so funny. I was talking about it this morning. And because when that show was at its height, it was more still like that paparazzi culture of like trying to get the picture because there wasn't another outlet. Like social media, I feel like Twitter wasn't around, and I feel like mental health-wise, if it would have existed and the show being, you know, as successful as it was, how would I have handled that at 21 years old? And I think there's so much pressure around it.

And I look at some of the, like the shows that are like Riverdale or whatever, and they have a huge presence on social media. I just wonder how that would probably, like, affect your mental health. Totally. And I mean, the kids like, like, Misha. and all the girls like Lindsay Lohan and like Paris Hilton. I feel like that was really that. Generation. Generation.

But the paparazzi were like watching your every move. So I don't know because like what's better? But your mental health social media. Yeah, mine, I mean, I was fine. She was good. Yeah, yeah. She was good. I was fine.

And where did you grow up in the valley? In North Hollywood. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Because I thought that would be curious. Because I'm like at that time. Yeah.

And being that young. and it's like all that craziness. But then again, growing up in L.A., I'm sure it's like... Well, we grew up, like, we were young, like, going to all the clubs and, like, doing all the things, like, way before we were supposed to. You know? Like, sneaking in and all of it. So by the time we could...

It's actually there. I was like, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, like, Dublin's... You were too young. You're too young. Where's Devlins? Tell me.

Dublin. No. Like, it's in Jay's song. Like, it was like one of the clubs back in the day when you would have probably been... With an L.A.? Yeah. On sunset. We used to go to club.

We were like 14. Like Peanuts in L.A. Bublin and Dublin's right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it peanuts? I don't even know. I don't know.

I'm making up lyrics. I'm making up words. Peanuts. Like, what the... That's just what it is in my mind. Sorry, Jay-Z. It's something, though. But I think that almost...

She got saved in a way that it wasn't social media. Like, the paparazzi thing was gnarly. We used to have to hide her and, like, switch calls. cars and do like crazy-out shit. It was nuts. Yeah. And I feel like almost it's easier on a lot of people now because of social media that they're not stalking people onto the same level.

And you also control your narrative to a certain extent, like what you're putting out there. That's true. I mean, there's certain things that get caught still by paparazzi, you know, and I can't imagine being any, like, I know you're friends with, you know, the most famous people in the world. Like, I can't imagine having that much attention and, like, you know, you know. Because for them, it's like, what's life without social? You know, like, you know? Right, right.

They're like, what is that like? Yeah. You know, and they're like, that sounds awesome. What do you fear now that you've faced what most people fear? Spiders. That's what I said. I said, I bet it's spiders. Yeah.

Yeah. How funny is that that we said that? You literally said that. I did say that. I was like, I really want to know what he fears now. It's spiders. It's scary. I'm like, oh, there's a big, she's like, there's a huge bug.

I'm like, that's all you. I'll be, I'll run away. What are you doing? Why don't I even bother? That's all you. We have, like, why don't I even do that? But I also think, like, the fear of, like, I always put the pressure of, like, not being where I'm supposed to be at a certain age. I think we all do that.

I hate that. I hate that I became that person. I'm like, I'm never going to complain. Like, I'm about to be 30. And I'm like, yeah. It doesn't exist. But then I'm like, but when I tell myself, I was going to own a castle and have 12 kids when I'm 30. Like, you know, it's like that, like, like, that, like,

bullshit kind of thing, but I'm not there. And like, it's like, this kind of like weird thing that I've done is put this by pressure of like career and life and my mental, like, I shouldn't be reacting sometimes the way I react to things. And, you know, so I feel like now it's getting so much easier. And I'm like, I love getting older because I have like my mind is growing. And like people that I talk to are like 20s is like, let me figure it out. Let me fuck around.

Let me understand what I am. 30s is like, okay, let me get grounded. And 40 is like, everybody I talked to and I was like, this is my favorite time. It's the best. Yeah. That's why I hear from everybody because it's like you fully know who you are. You're riding. You're riding the machine now.

She's 43? 43. 41. Okay. So like we're in there. Yeah. We're in it. Am I, would I be right with that saying?

100,000 percent. Okay. A thousand percent. Yeah. Like just looking and reevaluating and like for the first time in my life, I'm like, wait, what do I want? Like I'm putting myself first instead of like people pleasing her. Oh, what are they?

thinking what are they feeling i'm like hold on this isn't like right for me or like right with me so i'm like i know myself and like having gone through a lot of stuff you learn from it you know and like you survive it yeah and you're like oh like i survived like these traumas or whatever and you know nothing like what you've survived but it's still these things that you do come out on the other side and then it's just all this information and you just feel a little bit stronger and like oh I handled that. Like I feel a little bit better about going into the next thing or whatever it may be. And you just with age and like experience and you have had a lot of experience at your young age. So I feel like you're probably more like mid 30s. You're like a mid 30. You're like a good 78. 78. Yeah. I feel like you're like way ahead of other times. I feel like that's what people say. Yeah, but that's that past life shit. Did you read many lives, many masters?

Yes. Isn't it the best? so good. I know. I know. Wait, do you still see ghosts? Yeah. Okay. What's up? Is there one here right now? I have, I... Do you, can you channel it, like a medium style and, and see them? I've done that before, but not, like, on purpose.

I don't know how to do that. You don't know how to tap into that skill. We're not Tyler Henry out here. Okay. But your random, like, one will just, like, show up. Random. Random. I'll be like... Does it ever scare you? Oh, sometimes. You know, there's, like, certain friends. I'll stand

a house and I'd be like, oh, there's somebody that keeps a walking in or something. And then they're like, oh, wait, wait, what? Like, for example, my friend, I was at his house and I was staying at his house. I just moved in with him. It was Jaden. And I moved into his house for a while. And when I first, like, the first week I was there, it was like really scary. And there was this car on this driveway that always had like a cloak on.

But long story short, like, I think it was his, like grandfather's house, you know? And I kept seeing this figure because I was just a random person that just started living there. And it was his old house. the longest start I saw this figure and I was like definitely I think your grandpa is like keeps watching me and he's definitely him he's for sure him but like I thought it's from the same of like he's protecting it's like protectors like guardian angels I love I love it yeah I think I'm seeing more of that instead of like evil things yeah yeah I'm seeing the people that I love and who loves them does that make sense yeah so I'm like seeing this figure of like oh he just wants me to be kind to

my friend like that's the energy I got right it's like oh like he's coming around to make sure that I'm a suss person who just moved into this house and those kind of energies. Or like, I'll go to a friend's house and I'm like, I think a woman died in here. And like, they're like, yeah, what? How do you know that? And like, I don't know what's happening. I feel like I'm, like, I feel like I'm not real. Yeah. So I'll say random things. Yeah. You just come out with it. Yeah. Yeah. But that's like for those things that's like beautiful to have like moments like that. Yeah. Like having that like wake up call and. But so I'll see things for sure. And I think where is the most haunted places in L.A. and like I would break into it.

Yeah. Me too. Oh yeah, cool. Like downtown, like the old jail house. And like, oh, like the old mental asylum. I'm like, oh. The Los Angeles murder house is for sale. Did you know that?

Should we buy it? Yes. You should fucking buy it and make the podcast house? Yes. Podcasts recording studio. Fucking yes. But for those things, I was like, that was like my high school. It was like, how do I find?

My best friend, Nasty, Chris Nasca. Yeah. He lived next to a person. This is really dark. And one of the people down the street from his house, like, it was a whole, like, murder thing. Like, the dad killed the whole family kind of thing and himself, like, real life. And, like, one of the kids was our age and what did we want to do? Like, obviously, go to the house every Friday night at 3 a.m.

Because no one bought the house who we would go and try to, like, seek out any energies until it got, like, really, got really, like, weird. I can go into it. I'm not going to go super into it, but, like, because it long. But, yeah, we started seeing a lot of things. And there's, like, 10 of us. Oh, 10. 10 of you? There's like,

10 of us that's like, people, everybody's like, I don't believe you. And we'd be like, come 3 a.m. to this house and we'd go and like,

this kid out like really like showed energy. Like, to the point where like, is the house still there? Yeah. We're like, are we going. Can we go on a field trip right now?

You need to take Rob because he is not a believer. He's not a believer. Rob would love it. This is my friend. My friend who wasn't a believer was like, I don't believe this. And through a rock I got the house. And then like 10 seconds later,

the rock got chucked back as far as he can at him. this is somebody who's like not afraid of anything kind of kid and I was like nah nah no no no bro and there's like 12 people to have that experience of like hmm like my friend brought his

mini cooper I remember to the house like meet us at the house it's a real life story no one's gonna believe it's like hard to even say it that's why I don't like we're in a mini cooper we're all in the car and we're looking at the street light and the street light blows up boom blue smoke starts going everywhere

the car dies and the blue stuff starts going into the car and we get covered up in blue smoke and then the car was dead and we had a called AAA to come. Is this in Van Nu? This is in Tarzana. Oh. No.

But it was like stuff like that. Weird experience. Yeah. Do you know the Armenian Deli? Sorry. Side note. No? Armenian deli.

Oh, it's so bombed. It's the best sandwiches ever. It's in Tarzana. Where? They put string cheese in it. They put the Armenian string cheese in it. Where?

Yeah, it's like a wrap. What are you talking? It's on Ventura. We're hungry. It's near like, it's near like where the whole food there's like, shopping center with like Whole Foods and stuff. It's like on the... Yes. Don't fuck around. Get peppered turkey.

Get it a wrap. For sure. Get the large. Dude. Yeah. I want it right now. Yeah. Sounds so good. But anytime I'm over there, they put their Armenian string cheese in it.

They put peppercini's in Armenian string cheese in the wrap. Oh. Peppuccine is too exotic. But everything else is so much. I eat like a five year old. Oh, I guess. No, they have the kids version with just like the turkey and cheese. They do.

That's me. I fuck with those. That's me. I fuck with those hard. Okay. Cool. Yeah. Yep.

You're good. If ever teenagers, I'm just like, ah, texture. You get the kids one. You're gonna be super happy. I have a kid's a meal kind of guy. Well, I'm growing up. I had a little bit of roogla the other day. Oh.

Yeah. A roogala or rogula? Some people say rogula. Rougala. Other people say rocket if you're in. Oh. No, but there's a game? It's not.

It's not. Is it a game? No. No, sometimes we do a game. Sometimes we ask really, like, crazy questions. Okay, so it's like, you guys should make that as like a card game. That's what I said. I'm like, we need to make this an actual card game.

Sometimes we do it just for fun. Yeah. You know what I mean? But they're like, some are really out there. Some are, like, Rob's always pushing. Do you want to hear what some of what? Yes. Would you rather only be able to have sex or only be able to masturbate for the rest of your life?

Oh, wait, I can only do one of the other. Yeah. Oh, sex. Obviously. That's what we said. We're like, he's going to choose sex. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. Yeah. Oh yeah. So those are those type of questions. Yeah. Like they're just fun, uncomfortable.

But there's like mild ones. Like if you could trade places with anyone for a day. You know, who would you pick? The Dalai Lama. Love it. Good.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just because I don't, I don't understand it, but I don't. Right. And I want to feel it.

I want to feel it. You want to feel it. I feel like I'm like, we're kind of look the same. That you look the same. We're going to do a side by side. Yeah. I just feel that energy for me and him.

I don't know. That's one person I would do that. What about you guys, huh? Trade with someone for a day? Larry David. Wow. Okay, that makes sense. He's so sick.

Wow. I thought you were going to say he's so sexy. He is. I know. No, he is sexy. And he's the only like, I have a bald head, so it's like he really pulls off the side hair thing. It is a thing, right?

It's a George Costanza, which is Larry, so it's all full circle. You can't do the Larry thing. Do you know signs of? No. No, George Costanda, yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. He's your...

I don't know. He's got to pull something out. Like, I just... Larry's just always right there at the front. I know, but you didn't just pull it out. You've got him on... He's my speed dial. Yeah, he's speed dial.

Yeah. I feel like I would go... Who's that that's sleeping with Brad Pitt right now? You'd be Tony. What's her name? I'd probably be her or Oprah. Tony Robbins. I would not be Tony.

Robbins. I already know what that feels like. I can fucking channel that man right now. Let's go. Say yes. All right, Rob, do you have? I'll take Brad Pitt. Wow. I can see that. Yeah. You're going to be Brad Pitt for a day. I'd be Brad Pitt for a day. One time, when I went to church and Brad Pitt sat next to me. Did you hold his hand? Gently caress him? I almost, but I wear those, um, the newspaper boy hats. My dad would have all those in

I'm talking about. So I usually wear paper boy hats. Yeah. So I would wear those. So I had mine on. Yeah. He also had one. He does wear those a lot.

And then he did this thing where like he took his glasses off in a really cool way and like put it behind his head. So they're behind his head. And he did in a really cool way. And I'm like, he's just sitting next me looking like me, but way cooler and way just like Brad Pitter. And I'm like, I just was really like, I don't know. I just talked for five seconds, but I was like, I don't know like why you're that. I get it. Yeah.

He's magnet. I never got it. I never got it before. until I was like, I get it. He's nagged. Oh, you saw it. In my left. I was like,

yeah. That's the, that's the effect, buddy. I get it. That's the effect. I see what you're doing there, Brad Pitt. The fact that you put the,

you turned it around. You just did it. Yeah, you just turned it around. You put the glasses on. Behind your neck. Eyes in the back of your head, I'll look Brad Pitt's sick. But I got it.

I got it. I got it from there. Oh, what could, what, what bet would you need to lose to get broad ideas tattooed on your? Yeah. I don't even know.

to wrap my head. Oh, I just do it to be honest. It's your first, is it your first podcast? Yeah. That's why. You know what? I feel very honored that you, your first podcast that you were willing to do it with us and tell your story. I'm so, like I feel really special. Yeah. You're really special. You're absolutely special. You all are like this whole thing going on. We had to, it was just, it was the universe. It was the universe. I also have another question for you. Okay. This is a random question. This is my OC question is how to have it. Why did you not have a room until, like, the later in the seasons? Why didn't have a bedroom?

Yeah. You wanted to see something's bedroom? No, or like the house. I feel like it was just soundstage with, like, random rooms, like, placed around. But then once the characters, like, my dad started dating Marissa's mom, they were like, oh, she's going to move into the house, and they had more of a reason to have a house. And it was off Canaan, I think, that house that we used. Wow.

Yeah, and we didn't need it until there was more storyline playing out in the house. I was like curious. And then wait. No, all the kids would always come to the bedroom door. You're like, where's the front door? Yeah, that's what we thought. They'd literally just show up at the bedroom. They're like, hey.

Yeah. That's where I thought I'm like, does she have a house? Where's the budget out yet? And then like, you see a change. I was just curious because I was like, that's a fair question. And then last question, I'm going to ask you, just because just for my movie by show geek, was the pool house? Was that a green screen? On the show?

Yeah. It was on a soundstage. The pilot was shot at an actual house. Okay. Which had the view, had the ocean and everything. But then we moved it. We built the whole Cohen house and pool house on a sound stage. Oh, really?

And it was a backdrop. Yeah. Okay. It looks pretty real. Yeah. And then I was like, I want, I'm just going to ask the question. Ask you. Yeah.

You can have a way. Do you have my number? Literally, you can just like text me anytime and ask me questions. Like, hey, we're watching it. Yeah, yeah. You want answers. I will be your inside information. Okay, cool.

I just had to know because I'm like if she, if I, she might hate me if I text. No. Never. Are you kidding? Okay. She might not remember everything. That's true. My memory's not great.

But you did just rewatch. So I did. I just had to rewatch the show. Yeah. So I kind of know some stuff. Oh yeah. We're, yes. But those are.

Just don't watch that or watch it. We've been slow to. We've been slow to it. Just watch it. No. So yeah. So now we're doing that. And now we're trying to watch new things.

But OC still. No, thank you guys for so much for having me on the show. They were coming. I thought I wouldn't fit in. Are you kidding? What do you mean? You didn't know. You're just saying that to say something?

Yeah. Get out here. But no, this is like, it's really awesome and it's really awesome that you guys are doing this because I feel like, you know. I think I like the show you guys, it's like you let the person tell the story. Yeah. And you guys work around that, which is really cool. Yeah. And I think there's so many stories to be told.

For sure. Yeah. That's why we're doing it. You're why we're doing this. Exactly. Like we want to create like a safe space and place. platform to talk about any and everything that some people are like, oh, I shouldn't talk about this. And that's your whole story is like you wanted to be so open with what you're experiencing

and what you went through and the messages and everything. And that's why we do this. So it couldn't be more perfect. Well, I appreciate it because that feels like and you guys make me feel safe to talk about my shit. So yeah, anything. It's hard to do that. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's like you need to have an energy to like even talk more. Yeah. It wasn't being reciprocated. I've been like, yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. No. Music is cool. Wait. They do it to me all the time though. Like I'll go off on a tangent, like very openly, and they'll be like, oh, we've never done that. And I'm like, fuck you guys.

What? One time. It was like the, it was more than one time. It was about your vagina. Oh, it was a vagina picture. Oh, oh, it was a vagina picture. Sorry. That's the only time we left you out on your own.

It's very relevant. Topic is irrelevant. It was just you guys did not make me feel things. You're still on that one. I am. It's traumatizing. That's like when the fifth grade teacher called me out. Right.

I get it. You got fifth grade teacher at her. They did. No, she just asked us and we said, no, I've never done that. And she took it. She took it in horror. I'm still dealing with it. It's fine.

Well, it's still a safe place. I appreciate you guys for letting you come. Is it Monday? Yeah. It is Monday. Yeah. Best way to start the week. It is.

It is the best way. I am so happy to meet you in person. I'm so happy to meet you guys. You're incredible. You're an absolutely beautiful human. You are. Thank you. One thousand percent.

Thank you. Thank you for coming. Thank you, Rob. Thank you, Rob. Thank you, Rob. Thank you, Rob. Thank you, Rob. Thank you, Rob.

All right, that was Harry's, that was Harry's new single. I'm fully, emotional hangover. That was going to be my new song, Windows Down. I always, you know, you find that song. Yeah, that's it. Windows down in the car, driving. Phantom Planet, California, your new one. Yeah, that same feeling.

And that's emotional hangover for me. Yeah, it gets you going. It does. I was not expecting when he's like, there's a meditation version. I wasn't expecting it to like. Be that. Hit. Yeah, hit it.

It hit it. It didn't. I know, I saw myself in Malibu driving to it, didn't you? You're like just in Malibu. Well, he's like, got to fight with you in Malibu. I know, but I... She missed that part. Yeah.

I just heard white Mercedes and that used to be you. That used to be me. But now I'm blue. I wear his merch every fucking day. I swear to God, I wear nothing with the Harry Hudson merch sweatshirts. Jeff was rocking the hat. Yeah, he gets comfort. On supplements on it everywhere you both.

Yeah, it's great. Rob, where's yours? He didn't give me any. He just gave you guys to. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's right. Rob, why were you upset with us yesterday? I was I'm upset with you yesterday.

Rob disappeared and he never disappears on our group chat. No, he was like silent, like not responsive. Well, I'm trying to this a new thing where I'm being happy. So you have to go silent because you can't forcibly be happy that much? Exactly. No, I don't understand it. So the week before you were like trying this new thing where you were super positive. Not a contrarian.

No, like hype beast to the fullest. Like I was getting some real laugh out louds by myself when I would send text and you'd be like, I can't wait to see their expression. Like you were like hype beasting the shit out of us. With his like avatar heart, doing hearts with his hands. No, it felt really good. Didn't it? Yeah, but it's all bullshit. I was saying, there's a very fine line between, like, sarcastic asshole and hype beast.

No, I know, but I still enjoyed it. She just to see Hype Beast. Yeah, it's like, this still feels good. He's like, you rock that girl. I'm like, okay. The only way he'll be positive is if he's, like, forced to and it's sarcastic. So then, then you went silent on us yesterday, and we felt a disconnect. We felt your distance.

Well, I was, I had lunch with a friend. This was later in the day. So you weren't eating lunch at four. Was I doing at four? I was with the boys at four. Mm-hmm. The boys. That was with my boys at four.

Let's hear for the boy. No, I was with Calvin and Vincent then. Okay, so do you consider it gaslighting if you have a feeling about something, right? Yeah. That someone's upset with you or distant or something was going on with them and they weren't being themselves. And you ask them and they say no. Is that them gaslighting you? I think it's gaslighting.

What is it? Some people don't want to talk about it. Or it's not a big enough deal to bring up something. That's just you. Yeah, sure. It would happen to me all, yeah. I don't want to pick a fight about something or say something. Oh, so that's what's happening?

No, no, it's happening. But I wouldn't call that. This is how I get you to explain what was going on. I wouldn't call that gaslight. No, if you were like, this is not a big deal, I'm not going to bring it up. Well, why? But that's different. If I'm saying, was there something wrong and you saying no.

versus maybe I was a little irritated, but it's not worth a conversation. I guess, but I think if a person doesn't... Why were you irritated, Rob? I wasn't irritated. So are we being gaslit? No. Oh, that we're crazy for thinking it? Yeah.

Because they didn't respond his text for a couple hours. Yeah, but we know you. Yeah, you never don't respond. Here's why it feels gaslighting is because... when your intuition tells you something, and you're like, I know my intuition's not off, I think it's true. And then the person's like, no, no, everything's fine.

You're like, do I trust them or do I trust my intuition? Intuition. I mean, there's also a thing, though, like, if I'm annoyed and I can cool off on something and then still just communicate it. But then you have these feelings that you don't talk about. They're unresolved. Like, they're going to be there and resentment and all that shit's going to fester.

Olivia, you and I in particular, and I can speak on us when our instincts tell us, they're always right. They're always right. That sounds a little cocky, I don't know. No, they are. And also unprovable. No, that's not true.

I have proven my instincts correct many times. That's true. But here's the thing. I think that men and women process things different. Like men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Like my therapist said, like when it comes to Jeff, like if I feel he's annoyed. at something, I will go at him and go at him until I get the answer, right? And he's just like,

leave me alone. Yeah, sometimes I want to be annoyed and to process it and I'll be totally fine and not resentful about it the next day. That's what he says, but I don't believe it. Because he's still in there. My therapist said he needs to go into the cave and you need to not chase him in the cave with a stick. I'm not always ready to have that conversation as it's happening. I guess where I get confused is that's where the gaslighting comes in as a, not with you. I'm just saying in general, like when I'm like, is something wrong and they're like, no. I guess the term gaslighting is tricky.

Lori explained it perfectly. And I know it's overused nowadays. It seems overused. It's super overused. That's why I'm trying to understand it. It seems flippant to use it for like just a casual spat between friends versus when gaslighting is using a toxic relationship. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like when someone makes you feel crazy for what you're saying or thinking, that's essentially gaslighting.

Right. Yeah. That's not the same thing. And the way that it's being used now culturally is in abusive relationships. Right. Well, people just throw it around too. like, oh, you're gaslighting me. It's like, no, that's not actually not gaslighting.

Right. That's why I asked. No, I didn't. I asked if that's what that is or what is that, right? What would be the term for that? Yeah. My intent behind it wasn't to like manipulate you. It was more like, I don't think this is a worthwhile conversation that's going to benefit us.

So, sweeping under the rug, I'm fine. Hmm. Sweep it under the rug is the problem, I think. Do you feel like when you sweep things? under the rug, they're like little pebbles and then the bag gets heavier to hold and then you're like, I can usually differentiate when it's going to be something that needs to be addressed. Right. And will you address it? Yeah. Will you? Yeah. Okay. Good. Is it easy for you to address or comfortable? It's not, I mean, I've gotten better with it. Yeah. That's when I do it too, is if I'm like,

this is only worth like addressing if I feel like oh this could turn into a resentment. And Rob wasn't going to tell me. He was annoyed with me. I could annoy with you plenty. Yeah, I know. But usually you show it like when you're annoyed with her. Well, yeah, but I'm trying this new toxic positivity thing. Where you just go silent. I wish people could see like the exchanges. I almost want to like read one of Rob. like trying to be super positive.

Please do. I have to find one. It's been a minute now. Well, it's also because you guys paint that I'm the contrarian. You are. I think I've realized I think you're just difficult sometimes

is what it is. You're less contrarian. I'll give you that. I'm not, yeah. Just difficult. Difficult? I'm not difficult. I might be frustrating because

frustrating. That's frustrating. I'm not difficult. Don't paint me as a difficult. person. I'll train difficult. I'm not a difficult person. I think it's definitely more frustrating. Yes. That's the right word. Yes. I get that. I know. I'm fucking mess. But I'm not difficult. You're not a diva. Don't make me sound difficult, Rob. That's me. I'm trying to find one of his positive things. My favorite was when I was like, oh, I don't know, because I'm going to go see my Uncle Patrick in Miami. And he's like, oh my God, I can't even. I'm picturing Uncle. Patrice's face when you walk in the door. I died at that one. Oh my God.

Shout out to our girl Ray for helping pick out the perfect bench. You sure know how to make a home feel cozy. That's good. Like, I don't care if you're doing it to be sarcastic or if it's worse. It makes me laugh. My sweet Ray, Ray, Ray. I know you're having a busy day with the kiddo. Hope you guys are making memories that will last a life.

time. But did you get a chance to follow up? Oh my God. Oh my God. There's a picture of a dead ran over rat that Rob sent us. Oh, God. I know. It just makes me love because it's so not Rob. Yeah. Like, hey guys. Yeah. Rob here. They're so fun to read, though. Well, keep them coming for you guys. Yeah, keep them coming. we have sandwiches. Ooh, I can't wait to eat my sandwich. I'm hungry for a sandwich. You guys watch anything good?

The Pamela Anderson documentary. Yeah, that's all you can think about. I love her. I love her. I heard that she still really loves Tommy. Is that true? She does. She loves Tommy. She does still?

Yeah. We talked about that Armacristen episode. Yeah. That's where you heard it. Oh. Oh. Good. See? It's my brain. I think we should take you to Dr. Amen. To see what's going on up there. Yeah, to get a brain scan. I'm scared. I think there's like a chunk of it missing.

But the good thing is, is that he can detect and see, like, if you need certain supplements or if you need. No, I need it. I need to go. I think you should go. I'll go when you go to your period doctor. Like the same day? Well, we're going to make both appointments. Okay. What does Rob need to get check? Oh, therapy. He's going to therapy. Okay. Look at him. He's like so. Why won't you go to therapy, Rob? I don't, I don't, I literally don't have time. Nobody has time. Like, you find the time. Yeah. You're just not into it. Or do you think you don't have like anything substantial to work through?

I would benefit from it, but I have to prioritize the already long list of things I don't have time to do. Like what? Like this show. You don't have time to do this show? show? Barely. I feel like we see you a lot. You get my only free time. Oh, no. Are you mad about that that we're stealing your free time? Don't you like what we do together? Yeah, I do. I wouldn't do it. It's my choice to do it. He won't give us anything. Except all his time. Apparently. His only spare time. That's a lot. What do you need me to give you? That's an active love.

Do you enjoy it? Yeah. Oh my God. Whatever. He likes eating with us. Only if he gets to pick the place the food's from. That's true. So people wrote in saying they thought the John Mayer thing was a good idea for you to DM. What? Yeah.

And then they sent some videos of some really compelling reasons why, which was like John Mayer in the car with what's the guy's name who does all the roast? Jim. Jeffrey Ross. Jeffrey Ross. He's funny. He's really funny. The two of them driving together talking about why they love Bob Sagitt, they were like, if you need more reasons to seal the deal for Rachel, show her this video.

Yeah, I'm not DMing, John Mayer. Okay, so who would you DM? Nobody. Not a single person. Well, I don't know. Well, it's just no fun. Who would you DM if you weren't, like, let's just say you had an opportunity. Who would you, DM?

I'm married. I'm saying hypothetical. Hypothetically, Jeff is skiing and he does. Oh no, I don't like that hypothetical game. That is not. You got to get specific for the hypotheticals to work. No, Jeff isn't Jesus. Especially because he's going skiing this weekend.

He leaves you for his hot new secretary that he hires. Rob! Yeah. I bet Rob won't even answer this. I'd probably go for like Tommy and not Tommy Lee. I'd go Bobby Lee. I'd be like he might bite. He would.

No, you're too old for him. Yeah. He would not bite. Now that feels like a mission. You're like, now I got to DM Bobby Lee. Rob? Who I would DM if my family died in a horrible car crash. Not the whole family, dude.

My wife, sorry. Oh, my God. I don't like these pictures he paints. Go ahead and answer the question, though. Well, I need to get in the right mindset if that's happened. Natalie left you for her hot, done. Okay. I don't know.

No. It's not it. You have to answer. I'll pick Phoebe Bridgers. That makes sense. Okay. Okay. What would you say?

Hey, you up? Yeah. Who would I DM? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Well, think about it. Different for me. All right, your husband, in this scenario, you got married.

It's like, could happen. So in this scenario, you got married. Yeah. But then he became terminally ill. You guys had a lot of, you had years together. That's so sad. I don't like that. He died peacefully, though, in the pool.

Jesus Christ. You spend a few months morning, but now you're ready to get back out there. Oh, God, it's like he had it written out first. That's horrible. Who are you DMing? Tom Brady. Tom Brady? He just got divorced.

Yeah, I don't really want to go there, but I don't know who else to pick. I'm just going to DM him a steak emoji What does that mean? No, no, it looks like he would cook a steak Want to cook you steak? Oh, you'd like want to cook me a steak? Yeah, fucking feed me. I heard that's what he's into.

See, that would slay on me. If a guy sent me an emoji of a steak and was like, do you want to make me this? You would go making it? I would like it. I'd really, I fucking do. I want to make you that steak. God.

You don't like that? No, I like that. You too. I know you do. Like if Eminem sent you a steak and he was like... Oh, Eminem. Can I DM him? Yes.

Because it would never happen. I feel like it would be better though if he was like, I'll cook you a steak. No. No. You're like, no, I want a man who puts me in the kitchen. Yeah, this guy's baking you cook for him. Oh, my God. What would I say to Eminem?

I mean, like, obviously like a plate of spaghetti would be too obvious. It would have to be something so random and weird. Because that's me. Like, I would never send, like, a sexy. No. No. No, it'd be like a picture of Grover or something. Let's do it and see what happens.

Let's just see if he even opens it. Never in a million years. Would he open it? I don't even know if he does his Instagram. You'll never know unless you try. Really, guys? I'm not DMing Eminem. Except for right now.

And I'm going to put, Do you want to be my friend? He follows no one. Zero people? Zero. And he has 38.2 million followers. Definitely going to see my DM. Like, hi, you seem like a really nice person.

All right, on that note. We can eat our sandwiches. Well, we're going to close this episode out with the meditation version. Yeah. That sounds great. of emotional hangover. Let's do it. That was a Hidgum podcast.