Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Jessica Capshaw on small town-living, finding purpose, and sitting with discomfort

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

Jessica Capshaw [Grey’s Anatomy, Valentine, Minority Report] talks with Rachel and Olivia about LA vs NYC, lifestyle changes and personal growth. They also discuss emotional regulation, finding purpose in whatever it is you do, and if/how to communicate openly with children about emotions.Jessica Capshaw and Camilla Luddington co-host and executive produce their new weekly podcast “Call It What It Is,” which can be streamed on all podcast platforms!Broad Ideas is supported by OSEA. Get 10% off your first order sitewide with code BROAD at OSEAMalibu.com.Broad Ideas is supported by Quince. Right now, go to Quince.com/breakdown to get free shipping and 365-day returns on your next order.Broad Ideas is supported by StoryWorth. Right now, save $10 on your first purchase when you go to StoryWorth.com/ideas.Broad Ideas is supported by Tropical Smoothie Café. Visit one of Tropical Smoothie Cafe’s 1400+ locations or order online or through their app.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast on HBO Max, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Broad Ideas.

Hello. Don't do this again. Bring it back. It's harder to do this to you on video, I will say. Why? Because it was just audio. We could just not say anything and then... We can do. Let's try again.

Yeah, let's try again. Welcome to Broad Ideas. This is great, guys. This is wonderful. Today we have Jessica Capshaw. She has a new podcast. Call it what it is. What is it?

Very funny. Let's please, Lord above, let Jessica in. Let her in? Yeah. Like we're keeping her in. Let her in. Let her in. Okay, bye.

I'm leaving you guys. hopping on over to the Jessica interview. Bye. Bye. People die. There we go. Can you see it? I can see you.

Oh, good. Good. Hi. Hi. Sorry. My daughter's homesick and she basically, the TV is watching her right now. So I just dealing with that. Yeah.

No, that's, I, yeah, I've been there. I've been there. Yeah. That's just life. It is. It's life. And I'm so happy you're a mom and you understand. Oh, my gosh.

Completely. Times four. Times four. That's crazy. That is a lot of child. It is, but you know, I don't have any twins. And so there's my gratitude for that. And then there's also the fact that given that there's four of them, usually no one's going through the same thing at the same time.

So I get to at least like vary my experience of all that child. Right. Like what's the age range? The age swing is I have a six. 16-year-old boy. Wow. Which is crazy. Crazy.

And then the rest are girls, and they go to 13, 11, and then the teeny tiny baby, who's not even a teeny tiny baby, but she's seven. Oh. It still feels like a teeny tiny baby in comparison, right? I can't hear you in the headphones. I don't, my mic's not on. Huh. I don't know, Casper, if you're listening, but Olivia's not.

I make my mic. Oh, now it is. There we go. Weird. Everything's going great. It's a good day, guys. We're doing so well. We're doing so well.

We are because we're not being reactive. We're just responding as it comes. Oh, my God. That's right. You know, it's so, we're just responding. We just went on a trip and it was really fun, but at the end, the tail end, our flight got canceled on the way there. Then it got canceled. on the way back. We had to get a hotel, all these things. And we were just like, okay, whatever.

Just surrendered. And we decided we're just going to kind of be McConaughey about everything in life. Because you're just going to keep living. Right? Just exactly. Just like keep living. Oh, wait. You know what? We were with Sarah Olson. We said we were, yeah. And we told her that we were talking to you today. And she was like, oh, my God, please tell Jessica. I love her so much. much. I was, what's even weird, well, even add to that. It's because it's all connected, guys. Right. Oh, yeah. I was just talking about her this morning and we were, I was saying that she is, um, she is one of those women who I just, I think she's so incredibly likable and that's such as sort of boring and, um, like unimaginative way to describe someone, but it actually feels like it's

what's top note to me because it doesn't matter what you like, she's just likable. Like everything about her is, even like when she's, it's not to say she's not provocative, she can be provocative. And the way she provokes is sort of likable. And the way that she, you know, is kind and sweet and kind of kitty cat is so likable. And she's a teacher and a friend and all that. So whoever's listening, if you don't know, Sarah Wright Olson, you should. I mean, yes. Yeah. She really is. It's like this, like angel of a person just kind of like floating through this world but just hits on everything like what you just said. We were in a for the teeny tiny baby. We were moms in preschool. Right. That's what she said. It was preschool. Yes. Esme and Josie were good friends. And then we went to, you know,

pandemic lockdown and everything else. So that was. And then you moved to New York? I moved to New York. Oh, wow. What prompted that? Was that all the things. But a lot of, a lot of them actually had to do with children. They had to do with sort of looking around at what adolescence looks like in Los Angeles. Oh. Wonderful. Yeah, that's the, if you know, you know. Yeah, it's a lot.

And Christopher and I sort of looked around and none of it looked like anything that we'd grown up with. So there was sort of an unfamiliarity time on top of unfamiliarity, because again, I always like say like with each of the kids, it's the first time that I've ever been a parent to this situation. So I sort of lay down really at the head of things like, I'm going to just reserve the right to change my mind or get a do over on this because this is the first time that I'm doing this. And I don't, I wouldn't expect anyone to do something the first time and get it exactly right. So whatever kid you're dealing with, it's like it's a nice little entry way into radical acceptance as well as battling those my own inner demons of perfectionism.

And being like, I don't fucking know. This could go a lot of ways, right? I'm going to lead with my best foot forward and then see what happens. But that being said, it was unfamiliar to us to be, you know, raising kids that were going into their teenage years and all the stuff that comes with that. And then all the things that we saw adolescents doing also seemed really unfamiliar. It was just like there was, it was lacking in the, the smallness, the face-to-face contact, the face-to-face all of it. The way that, you know, adolescents talk to each other now. And it's, it just, it seemed like really daunting.

And then to put it into a big city made it even more so. So when we didn't have, you know, work reasons to be in the city, we sort of rethought what we wanted, how we wanted to raise the kids and what environments we wanted them to be in. And so that just, you know, then invited a greater conversation and greater reimagining with, you know, again, the pandemic sort of, I think, hit the reset button for so many people. And it allowed you to think outside of the box. And then the box moved to New York. Yeah. The box was an apple crate. And is it hitting those notes you are looking for? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, good. The smallness. The smallness factor. We sort of move to, we are just outside, the big city, if you will. But we live in a small town. Awesome. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And it's, I remember like one of the first months that I was here, I was at one of the, I mean, I'm going to sound. And by the way, as I talk about where I live, you're going to at a certain moment, you're going to be like, you don't live on Little House. the prairie so like give it up what are you talking about but but i would be at you know i think i think yeah i think it was about a month into living here and i was on the sidelines of fill in the blank soccer game right and it's beautiful and it's fall and the foliage is you know all the things crispy you know crispy weather sweaters all like just fill in the blank of all your imagination of east coast uh fall and i was holding my car keys and one of the moms looked at me and said um

you obviously haven't been here for very long. And I think she's being friendly, but there was a little to it. I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, you don't need to take your keys out of the car. What? Pardon me? But I live in a place where you don't have to take the keys out of the car. Whoa.

So now I truly, I mean, wherever I am, like if I go to the grocery store, if I go, I mean, anywhere, I don't take my keys out of the car. I hope there's no criminals listening. They don't know where they are. Exactly. If so, follow me to wherever it is. Yeah, exactly. That's incredible. Yeah.

That's amazing. Wow. But then like, truly I'm on a train and I'm in the city and you have to, you have to like code switch quickly. Right. That's the place I live in at home and then now I'm going somewhere else that's different. Wow. I really like, I have this dream fantasy of being able to do that or something different or, you know, I grew up in L.A. Born and raised.

Still here. Have my kid. But like just the fall foliage. You know, like all of those things. But it's amazing that you guys just decided and you did it and you're doing it. And you're like, it's actually Williamsburg. No, I was kidding. No, but it was very much a leap and the net will appear.

And again, you know, if you think of however your family system is set up, that whoever the partners are or the single that's raising the family, that's the leader, most of the time the kids are kind of looking at those people and trusting that wherever they're going next, it's going to be okay. And if those people think it's going to be okay, it will. But I mean, I have this, I can't even give it anyone credit for it, but it's just become like such a mantra in my life. It's like, everything will be okay in the end if it's not okay. okay, it's not the end. It's just this whole theory of like figure out ability. And I just haven't yet had to to think that I could go up a mountain and not down or vice versa. I just,

you got to figure it out. So I agree. Got to figure it out. Yeah. I think that when you're looking at choices like that, my family, we've moved a lot now with like different schools and moving the kids. And I kind of feel the same way. It's like as long as the people operating the ship know what they're doing and we're making conscious choices, there's no regret. It's just different circumstances. So then we arrive at those circumstances and we say, okay, how are we going to navigate it?

It's not like we've been talking about that with schools. Like it's not, is this a right or wrong choice? There is no such thing. It's just different choices. Yeah, right? And then you're like, okay, we're in this. How did they adjust? How did the kids adjust? Well, I completely think that everything you said is completely true. And I would add the, there's no, there's no exact right choice. Every choice brings a different set of consequences. And sometimes those consequences intended or unintended are things that you can or cannot live with. Right. So you're like, I fucking hate this choice. This school sucks. And I would. I wasn't in this. And does the leader of that system say, okay, why?

Right? Like, why does this school suck or why does this choice suck or whatever it is? And then what are our choices now? Exactly. And it's like that flexibility, I think, is just that really, like, infinite mindset. Like, right. Okay, great. Whatever's going to happen is going to happen.

And I'm going to be on my toes about it. I'm not going to be on my heels and sort of go, well, that's just the choice. we made. No. You know what I mean? You can change your choices. Totally. Like if we'd come here and it hadn't been great, we wouldn't have figured that out. Yeah. And there's something to extract from all of it. Yeah. Like even when you make, we made a choice where you switched my kids' schools and then I decided it wasn't right once we were there. And I was like, this doesn't feel right. It's not right. And then we made another choice. But what we extracted from that experience carried over and made our next choice more clear. Completely. Right? And how great is that? Yeah. And that you didn't look at it or you

didn't frame it as though it had been a failure to try the other thing, right? It was like the trying is the part that's got the meat. It's going to be the thing that it's going to create the friction or is going to create the piece, whatever that is. And then you have one more piece of information about who you are or who your kids are. And that then helps you lead to, you know, further decision making. Yep. Yeah. So that's kind of how we went into all this. Yeah. I just think like, because I just made a decision to switch my daughter into this school, just the anxiety of everything and replaying things in your mind constantly when you can't sleep and you're in bed and then it's just like this hamster wheel. And to get a grasp on that has been such a challenge. And like I keep hearing you say things

that just sound like the best mottoes, quotes, affirmations, mantras to live by, you know? Yeah. But it's true. And I feel like it takes work. Have you done a lot of work to get there? Or is it kind of just your natural way of being? I think that, I mean, I can start by myself work in progress all the time. So, I mean, I think that sometimes I'm actively doing the work. And then I think I'm sometimes passively doing the work. I think I'm actually going to say this for the first time.

I'm having a discovery while talking to you guys. I think that. that so I was raised by a single mother for a very long time, and then I became part of a bigger family where I was the big sister to many. Like I went from being raised as an only child to sister of... How old were you when you gained the family? It's a very strange timeline because things came in sort of increments, but I think that I was solidly an only child in my mind until I was about 12 or 13. Okay. And then a lot more came. And then I was, squarely the first girl, daughter, child in the family system, and of, you know, now that it's all

said and done with all parents having had all their children, the oldest of 10. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. I didn't realize there was that many. No. There's a lot. There's a lot.

There's a lot. So many. So many. And so I think that my little discovery in that moment was I probably spent. I probably spent the first obviously very formative years in a binary system with my mother that was codependent completely. And I probably pretty much thought about her and thought about me. Those were my thoughts, right?

So when you say did you do a lot of work, again, I would say passively and actively, but the active work would probably be becoming a mother in partnership, in marriage. And then as an adult daughter, you know, like dealing with the expectations that you have of your grown parents and they of you, you start doing, I think, the work where you get curious about others in a really organic way that I think led me to a lot of mantras and understandings about how I think that maybe we all feel possibly as a collective, you know, humankind, right? Like how we relate. I think relating was something that I thought, I thought the admission was free. And I actually don't think that anymore. I think that you, there's a, there's a really lovely price that you pay when you enter into relationship with people. And I love all the memes too on Instagram and everything else, but I remember, there's something, I'll get it wrong. But it was something like, it was about the relationship between people who are

in therapy versus not in therapy. And it was something to the extent of people in therapy are doing all the work of the people who aren't in therapy. Yes. Yes. Oh, I've seen it. And I was like, yep, fuck. Well, that's a little unfair, right? Like, I think I need to look at people in my life who I think might not be doing their therapy and asking for a reciprocal situation. Right. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. It really does because you do. You end up doing too much heavy lifting where you're trying to base all these things, and if those around you aren't, it becomes an uneven situation.

Right? Well, yeah, you're weighted down by it, and there's no counterweight, right? So, I mean, we literally look at scales. It's like if one side is all the bottom, like, dragging, you know, that's not going to be so good. Right. Well, it's also, like, it sounds to me like there's a freedom

minute for you, which we're huge on sharing these kind of things with people. It's like you don't have to carry so much alone. And it sounds like you grew up kind of having that focus of like, okay, it's me and my mom. That's a lot of self, right? And then you go through, you become a mom and you realize there's so many other humans to share in the collective with, right? I personally think, And like, I'm sober. And in the program I'm in, it's like, they say one of the biggest freedoms you get is the bondage of self. And I'm like, oh, wow. So that is actually something we need freedom from. Yeah, because the bondage of self is crippling. It's not comfortable. It's not fun. And it's quite miserable, right? So then if you get therapy or you get help or you get community or children or, or, anything you connect with outside of yourself, you get a moment of reprieve from that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

No, for sure. I know. I just like, yeah. Absolutely. And I, but it's interesting, though, because I think that how, whatever modality you dip into or subscribe to or feel the greatest sense of belonging with, it, it looks different, right? So, like, how do you get teased into that? Or how do you? Usually through suffering. No, no, no. I mean, I totally know what you're talking about. But I mean sort of like in the positive way of like, is it again, total self-disclosure. I used to talk about myself a lot.

Right. And clearly we're in a spot where we're talking about our experiences. So that doesn't count. But she says hopefully, we want you to talk about yourself. You're here to talk about yourself. You're here to talk about yourself. But I think that there was a moment where someone really important to me said, I really need you to get more curious. That's the word. And I was like, what do you mean? Because from where I was sitting and from my perspective,

I had squished curiosity into the same file cabinet that was, I'm a fixer. I'm a people pleaser. I'm constantly looking at other people for cues and how do we do this and how are you feeling and like over-empetizing with how do I keep my room status quo and everyone's happy and everyone's good and feeling. So I thought curiosity was in that. I thought that my caretaking was curiosity. I thought that my showing up to help things when they went wrong was curiosity. And it's not. No, that's your comfort. Yeah. Yeah. That's all self, right? Yeah.

It's really mind-blowing when you discover that. Because you're like, oh, that's all for me. Yeah. I'm making sure everybody's okay, so I feel comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is like the people pleaser.

Yeah. Fixer hero child. You know, that's the, you're the, there's another expression in that. It's like, I'm not okay until you are. Right. Right. Which is, I don't know, very confusing too to me because what I never understood and that was, I'm, I've got opinions. I'm not a shrinking pilot. I'm not afraid to say what I think. I don't know that people in relationship with me would describe me as someone who just lets things happen or, you know, goes along with things.

I mean, lots of times I'm very disruptive. Right. We all can be. Yeah. But I mean, you know, I think that I think that being curious, being invited to be curious. Actually, let's be honest, I got pulled by my nose into being curious. Kicking and screaming. No, I already thought that I was.

So I was like, I don't know what this might be a you problem, not a me problem. And then I realized, okay, like this could be a me problem. Wow. Whoever said that to you is an incredible friend. Yeah. Whoever that was. Yeah. Because those are not things that are comfortable to say to people.

Yeah. And they put what's best for you first. Yeah. Well, that was my husband. Oh, we love him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you should stay in that.

We like him. Yeah. But it was a really, it was a heartfelt invitation and it was a hard won and then, you know, responded to. So, and that kind of trust, you know, is again earned. Support for bad ideas comes from Osea. Do send provoke memories and transport you back to being on the beach during your favorite vacation? I love the feeling. The instant I smell something that brings me back to my childhood beach vacations.

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The fisherman sweater, I wear that all year long, not just in the fall and winter because I'm always cold. Upgrade your closet this summer with Quince. Right now, go to quince.com slash breakdown to get free shipping and 365 day returns on your next order. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash breakdown for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash breakdown. I want to go back to just, this is selfishly, about me. It's a polar opposite. Yes, actress. Yes, actress. Sister Rachel? Sister Rachel? Yeah, so I just want to, you know, stay on topic here. She's like, have you seen the Oh, see. How have you ever?

Yes, I did. And you start singing, like the theme song. I, you know, I'm a single mom and I have my daughter and it's just us a lot of the time and we are very codependent. So when I hear you talking about the first like 12 to 13 years of your life being that soul. Because I have all these like, you know, like my daughter is like you're never allowed to have another kid. You know, this is also, not that I'm planning on it, but it's just these are the. the conversations. Like, it's just her. She is my world. I am hers. All of it. So I want to know how did it go for you when that all changed and transitioned and accepting everything else?

And this is a selfish question because I'm like, you know, I don't know what the future holds, but I do wonder. Well, I mean, first of all, I obviously can only bring my experience to it. I always, I really, my, my inclination is to always front load the positive because it actually is, I think, the most important in any given situation. And the positive would be that you have an unbelievable connection to your child. And it exists only in this space because it's so unique to you. you both will show up for each other and know each other in ways that likely and possibly no one else will ever on some level. Except you're the Gilmore Girls.

One of my daughters watching Ginny and Georgia, although they finished watching Gilmore Rules. I was like, oh, my God. I mean, that was a true gift. One of them said, what should I watch next night? I actually far prefer going back than forward. and it's wild to watch a show, by the way, that has no, like, none of the stuff that we see every day, right? It has, like, there's no social media.

There's no phone. Like, no one's really picking up their phone even. Like, they're, the Gilmore girls were phone free. And by the way, my daughter always, and we live in a small town, says all the time. She's like, I just want to live in that place. What's it called? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I don't know, but I did, I had a show and we used the same town. Is that Heart of Dixie? Yes. Yeah, called Heart of Dixie, yes. And it was the same. And it was like, oh, this is. Oh, this is the same as, and I can't think of the name. It's not like sleepy hollow.

I don't know. It's something magical. It's not sleepy hollow, but it's, that sounds like fairies live there. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. But, yeah. And by the way, it's funny because I listen, I always hear it wherever I go, Gilmore Girls. But I hear it.

And I am actually always amazed by, it's just a, I mean, I guess it's not so unique. I'm sure there's many, many families that are like that. But it's, there's something. When you know, you know, if you're in that. club, you're in that club and you know what it is. I mean, I think that the most incredible thing was like to know someone, to know another human being like that is pretty special. I think obviously what ends up coming into my mind first and foremost is like it sort of ends up being an easy place to have unboundaryed behavior. And totally with no ill intent, you know,

with totally yummy, incredible intent for closeness and, again, the belonging and the yumminess and all that. And it's still unboundaryed. Right. Or can be. I'm not saying yours is. I'm just saying it can be that, you know, plus or minus parent or child, it's hard to figure out where the lines are between you and me. mom and child and also

if something does go wrong there's no other there's no other so like I think it's really I watch in my family the thing that's totally new to me and I am learning

and have our front row seat too and I feel really really grateful for is that in our home and our marriage and with our children when there's friction or when there's a rupture between Christopher and one of the kids

or myself and one of the kids, that kid or that parent isn't alone, right? Like that parent can go to the other parent and be like, fuck, man, like, oh, what a dick. Like, why did they do that? And the other parent can be like, I know that sucked. That was really hard. Or, you know what, maybe just saying I overheard that

and I would try this or whatever it was. Same thing for the kid, right? the kid can go to siblings or the other parent and be like, mom was awful. She does not understand me. And you can like walk it off or talk it off or whatever and then come back together. You know, in the single parent situation, it's harder. And I think that maybe I used, once I got old enough, I used my friends. My case was also a little bit more specific because my mom was an actress that was traveling all over the world.

And so I went to like 13 different schools before I was 13. Wow. I was always a new girl. So I didn't have a ton of familiarity. And then when I got into my adolescence, I really did. And that was, I think, for sure, when I felt like my life took off. Yeah. I think, too, we both grew up with single moms.

And I think there is that kind of like, the way you're describing. it feels like it's almost like there's this ownership over the mom because you don't have to share her with another adult so it's like oh you know yeah like we still kind of have this yeah hook into our mom that like you're mine yeah yeah that's true yeah oh I think that's that's true for me too yeah was it hard to share her once you got to that I mean because you had to share her with a lot of people all of a sudden. It was very hard to share her when I was young, and I didn't do very well away from her. I didn't like that. Yeah. Yeah. My daughter tried to park herself in the podcast room right now. She's sick because she's sick. She was like, can I just lay on the couch? Yeah. Yeah,

I'll be so good. I'll just lay here. By the way, I would say that from my, I don't know what your all's experience was, but in my experience of being an only and an only child of a single parent, I am your girl for infinite adaptivity. I can go into any room. I don't know if I can do it successfully. I'm not saying that. I'm saying I can though. You know, I'm not afraid of those things

and I'm very well aware that anything can happen. And so I think that that's kind of a superpower because I don't know that that happens for, you know, others. I have a question about your siblings. We had Sasha on. Oh, yeah. Who? Oh, my goodness.

She's so cozy and just, she is. She's just like cozy and loving and like. So sweet. So sweet and kind. And you are so relatable and like present and right there. And obviously your family is maybe the most successful family on the planet. Like on planet Earth? How in the heck does that happen?

Because I meet a lot of, we grew up in L.A., right? And so you meet a lot of people with far less, and you guys have every reason under the sun to be dicks. Right, right. Let's just say it like it is. It's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I hear that. I hear that.

Well, first of all, thank you. And second of all, she is cozy and she is so loving and she is full of so much talent. I mean, she has so much talent. And I get, I'm so proud of her. You know, I, I'm really proud of her. And I see her in her marriage now and I see her as an aunt and she comes into the house and sits down. at the piano and plays, you know, Taylor Swift songs and sings with the girls. And it's so magical. And I'm like, I can't do that. You can do that. It's really like a real superpower.

And I really, to your question, I think was a question. I've heard, I hear that. I hear people say that where it's like people have less. I mean, I guess that's a question, right? Sorry, I'm talking in circles for a second. It's a total question. It's how given, you know, there's people that, I think entitlement is a real problem in our society right now. Even for an example, we were in a car the other day and the driver was shocked that we would open our own doors. And he's like, you guys, it's disgusting out there. Nobody opens their doors. I don't know what? I think it is. Also, I would add to the entitlement, or I would say that maybe entitlement could be split apart. Sometimes it's actually grand. And it's actually like I I I'm going to this immoderate place of I'm so great when I maybe if you

really talk to the inside of that person, they don't think they're so great. But they put on this like I don't know what. I agree with you. I think if I were again, I was thinking about the total question, it's like I think when you when you meet people who have resources, whatever that. is to you, right? If it's education, if it's money, if it's whatever it is, you have a hope for what they're going to be like, right? Like someone who has a super incredible education, you hope that they're really smart, someone who has, you know, money, you hope that they're generous,

someone who, whatever that is. And I think that oftentimes people can be disappointing. Of course. Right? And I think that there's so many different things at play for any given example of that. I feel like when I first started working, I remember being really shook that I had grown up on these sets where the best of the best, right? I mean, you watch Tom Hanks act. He's on time. He knows his lines. Makeup and hair is delightfully happy next to him.

There's been no shitstorm that he's created in the trailer that morning. There's been no AD or producer that's been called in to put out a fire. He comes to work. He does his job beautifully. And Sasha and I, in this example, would be people who had a front row seat to that. We got to sit next to, you know, our dad who was doing his work too, because we'd already seen all the work that he'd done to get there, to be sitting in that seat, right? The preparation, the storyboard drawings, the musings, the musings, the. the staring off into space while conjuring.

Like, we'd seen all that. So we knew what his preparation was. We then see Tom Hanks' preparation. And you put that all together. And you're like, well, that's the synthesis, right? That's great filmmaking. That's great storytelling. That's what you do when you go to work.

And then I started working in far inferior situations, by the way. Not inferior. Like, I'm judging the people, but like not the fact that he was. I get it. Yeah. And I was like, motherfuckers don't know their lines. Right. People are late.

People have started a whole thing in the hair and makeup trailer that they want people to come in and solve. And I'm like, I don't think that's what I want to be. Yeah. I don't want to be in the epicenter of that. That's not. So I think the answer, again, if I'm getting it right to your question, is we had incredible role models. Yep. We had incredible role models in having very inspired artists, both of our mother and our father.

We had accountability to each other and to others. We had a real, I feel very much like both of my parents who raised me cared very much about waking up in the morning with purpose. Yes. Whatever that was. and going back to Sarah Wright-Olson, your purpose can be in parenting, your purpose can be in writing, your purpose can be in finance. There's no right or wrong purpose, but waking up with it is a really good start. And the times in my life where I didn't have purpose, which often you don't as an actor in between jobs, was tough for me.

I sort of would be a little rudderless, a little like, where do I put all this energy? Where do I put these thoughts? What do I do? And going back to what you're saying, I just put them into thinking about me. That works. That's a really deep well. Anyways, but I think that it's that. I think that it's great role modeling.

I think that it's thinking about others. I then again, at whatever level you're at, whether when what invitations you're getting from people you're in relationship with, it's staying married to people who ask you to get curious and to not being defensive. And again, I love it more than anything. It's like I absolutely used to think it was important, crucial, and absolutely best to react when something happened. And my ongoing work, if you will, has been to shift that to responding. And the difference in those words has meant a lot to me personally. I can breathe a little better. Yeah. That's the work. Yeah. Right. Right. It's the space in between, what is it, the space in between stimulus and response. Yeah. Yes. And yes. And calibrating, like in real time. Like, oh, man, that really pissed me off. I am so mad about that and having to actually sit there with your heart racing and your sweaty armpits pretending to listen to what they're saying next because you actually can't even hear it.

You're so pissed. But sticking with it and waiting for that heart rate to come down and your armpits to stop sweating. And then you finally hear their voice again. Right. And if you stay in it, you can get there. But it's really easy to be like, want, want, wah, you talk. and now I'm going to whatever, and then it's, and then it's done. And that's so much harder to recover from.

I also feel like you had a certain point I got sick of trying to recover. You know, like when you're reactive, you just, I don't know, you just sort of like, you try to slay everyone. Yeah. You know, it's like, I don't know what that is. It's like, it's just ready, ready for combat. Yes, fully. Yes.

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and Meet Us Poolside. Visit one of Tropical Smoothie Cafe's 1,400-plus locations or order online or through their app. Was it one of your daughters that went to the Oscars? Yes, Eve. Nicole, one of our best friends, dressed her. She was her. She's our 20 years deep. Like, we started together.

She was like, we worked on the OC and she's like, I want to be a stylist. Can you be my first client? And we were friends and she was in costumes on the OC. Yeah. That's where it started. Anyway, she looked beautiful. I just put that together. Yeah.

Right now. I was like, wait, that's probably your daughter. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Eve. Oh, then she was incredible. And it was such a kind experience too, which, I mean, I don't know, 13 years old and you get to go to the Oscars with your grandpa. I mean, and she looked gorgeous, the dress, everything. And just what a cool moment.

That's amazing. I didn't acknowledge that. Yeah. Yeah. She and she really like, I mean, I think that Nicole would agree. She walked through it with real grace. Like she had some, because again, it's that adolescent. brain, right? It's like, I, I care so much. It's everything you don't want to be as an adult. It's,

I care so much what everyone thinks of me, right? So that's the starting place that we sit in. I care so much what everyone thinks about me. I only think about myself what others think about me or what people report back to me. I define myself by that. I create myself image because of it. It's everything. And then we slowly creep towards that understanding that it's really only what you think of yourself that matters that you bring to relationship and the stories you tell yourself about yourself. And so to watch her at 13 be in an extremely unique and privileged position to be playing dress up and to borrow a dress that gets put on your body. And in this instance, just fit so perfectly and to have your mom and your grandma there. And then to get ready and with all people like, you know, the hair and the makeup and that that, like all the silly stuff that's so important, obviously. Be done by these beautiful artists that have been in your parents' lives for a really long time.

And then when she walked out the door, she was so excited. There was no, there was no like invisible line to cut. There was no tethering that was like, oh, never was there a moment of like, wait, you're not going. She walked out the door with him and, see, now I'll cry about it, is that what I saw was that in my life at her age, I didn't have, it was it just wasn't as, there wasn't as great a sense of ease. There were lots of stuff going on. You know, there was transitions, there was marriage, there were new siblings. there was so much happening that I didn't have with him that just seamless like you walk out the door and they've got their arms around each other and you know that he's got her and she's got him.

And I just didn't have that. And when I saw them walk out the door with it, I very much felt replete. I very much felt like I got that. And again, it wasn't about me, but I happened to be there and watch it happen. And so it's like we double got it because she got it and I got it because she got it. And it was just so beautiful. And she had the best time. And your other daughters were fine with it.

Because you want to know the absolute fucking magical miracle that happened? Yes. Her two little sisters were as excited, if not maybe more, watching at home on TV. And for the moment. Well, hold on, because this is the best part because you can't have the great without the shit. Oh. They were able to name their jealousy. They were able to say, oh, my gosh, in a perfect world, like, I would want that.

And like, isn't that dress so perfect on Eve? I hope I look like that one day. I hope that I get to pick a great dress. I hope I get to go. It was, they named it. They weren't, they weren't blind to, yes, and they were not blind to the importance of what she was doing, how she was doing it and how magical it was and saying like, oh, I don't need that. I'm fine at home. Right.

Take out pizza for watching you. They were like, oh, wow, that's really amazing. And I wish I could have that. But, or rather, and, I'm really happy for you. Yeah, it was the aunt. One wasn't in lieu of the other. And they don't, and it doesn't have, we talk about that all the time. We're like two things can exist at once.

The same time. I didn't learn about paradox for a long. Like, it took me a long time. time paradox. Yeah. And so you, I want to go back to one thing because you said that you got to experience that with her, right? And you're like, oh, it's not about me, but it is. Because I think that as a marker, as a parent, if we can give to our children the things that we didn't get, we're winning. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's where the repletness comes. That's where you're sort of like, those are the moments that have the spackle. They like spackle in the holes.

Yeah. You know, like, let's fill in that part. That's right. Yeah. And I think that I actually deeply believe, although it sounds a little, like, abstract, I actually do think that we have the power to change, you know, our generational traumas and our DNA in that. A million. Yeah.

And so, again, Eve will never have the story of not being in relationship with, you know, a together all together now for better or for worse family right like she knows what that is

that wasn't my story that being said I found that story right and all these stories can they can all again they can all happen

at the same time so yeah and I and again I mean to go back to what you were saying Rachel I don't

I would still say that there's some particular brand of magic in the part of the story where there's you know, the single mom and the little girl. I think it gave me things that I... It's going to make me cry now.

We'll just pass it around. We'll just pass it around. Pass around the issues. I don't, I for sure wouldn't be who I am. And I'm grateful for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's been like a weird, like, heavy morning with it just because she's home sick

and we have all this work going on and I have to go for an MRI at 3. I'm trying to like figure out what to do. You know what I mean? And it's just like, It's really, today was just a lot of that. But anyway, I'm happy that we got to talk to you today with that. You know, it's weird is that my phone was on. I've never, my phone's on silent.

Yeah, always. All times. No matter what, I never have it on. And it was just on. And it was Nicole calling. Oh, my gosh. Look at that. I was like, that is so weird.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We want to do just a couple of fun questions. And then I also want you just to quickly tell us about call it, what it is because that's very exciting your podcast. That's, thank you.

Thank you. Yeah. First, what's the last thing that you Googled? Rachel Belson. I was like, I'm imagining that she's figuring out, you know, different things about me that might not be top note or right there. And I'm like, I know who she is. And I, I've watched all your stuff.

So I know who, like, you know, who you present to be. But I was like, maybe there's some other information here that I'd like to look up. Oh, God. That's good. I can't imagine what you came up with. But there is stuff out there. All good things. All good things.

Oh, my goodness. That's so funny. Do you want to ask one? I'll pull one. I'm just going to pull blindly here. Well, I know your answer to this. But let's see. If you could save your children or your partner, who would you save?

Oh, my God, that's a terrible question. Yeah. That's like the ultimate Sophie's choice question. Yeah. Not answering that. You don't have to answer it. Okay, what sex in the city character are you? Oh, that's rough.

Mm-hmm. I mean, well, it's like, who do you? I mean, I have to not overthink this. I think that I would want to be Carrie. Yeah. Do you see how I, like, really, like, winced and had a hard time saying that I wanted to be the leading lady in my own life? Huh.

But that was, but, I mean, obviously that was not. It was not like she was the only lady lady. But yeah, I don't know. Maybe even just for, maybe that's just that I liked her outfits the most. Who knows? Yeah. Yeah. I liked her thoughts to herself.

I like the articles. I love all that. Yes, okay. All of it. I mean, she's scary. If one song had to play every time you walked in a room, what would it be? These are tough questions. I know.

They're hard on the fly. These are tough questions. I don't know. I don't know. All I do is listen to Taylor. Swift anymore because of my children. Yes. And I probably would do it.

And sometimes I actually, even when they're gone. Yeah. It's a thing. So I don't know. I went through like, you know, listening to tortured poets and when Breyer wasn't in the car or whatever. I mean, I love Taylor anyways, of course. But like, you know, you start listening and then I'm like pinpointing like the ones where I'm like, oh, this one, she's going to be obsessed with this one.

And like I start finding ones that I want to replay like over and over because those are going to be the ones, you know? Yeah. No, I know. And the girls always, I have to sit with her albums for a minute. And I actually know that I have to. I listen to them all. And then it takes me really, like the girls are the shepherds. They bring in the ones that are like the ones that I end up loving the most. We keep listening to Thank You, Amy. And I have to say, it's a great song. And it was funny because it really got me to thinking about a situation in my own life. And it was like, you know, she's got like just the like screaming at the sky and the like how fucked up life can be and how unkind people can. be and how just terribly unfair the whole thing can be. But there's this and there's this thing at the end that happens, which is that I hear it as without that, without that resistance, without that thing to bump up against, she wouldn't have what she has. Right. She wouldn't be who she is. All of this wouldn't have come to be. So I think that it's, it's, it's, um, it's, it's, I have,

I don't know. There's just some really great life lessons and all of it. I know. I know. I think when I say I listen to it, it's more of like the helicopter mom. I mean, my daughter's so innocent that I'm also like, what does she not need to hear? What is she? You know, but that's just me being me. Anyway. Anyway. Okay. So I'm going to, but now, I mean, I'm not going to just like, you know, cavalierly. I'm going to front load it by saying I know what I'm about to say is like, oh my gosh, I can't believe this happened. But I had an occasion to sit with Taylor for like an hour. and a half many, many years ago. And at the time, my oldest was like five or six. And he was really into that song, pumped up kicks. Do you remember that song? Like, you got to run, baby, run, outrun my gun. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was super popular. It was on the radio all the time. And it was about outrunning a gun. It was about high school shooting, right? And I remember saying to Taylor, how do you, like how does one, like you're in the music business, like how does one reconcile themselves as a parent to letting kids listen to songs that have lyrics that are either whatever that are somehow provocative? And I remember her answer being a lot more complete than what I'm about to say, but this is the part I took away, which was for kids, it's really the feeling of the beat. It's the feeling of the bridge. It's the feeling of the anthem.

It's like the, if you didn't have any words, like the thump. It's that that brings the kids in and less the words at that point. And then when they get older and they're adolescents and then adults, then they're decoding the language and creating the story and understanding what the story and the lyrics are. And that made me feel better. No, I think she's absolutely right. Yeah, because I see them understanding and interpreting the words in such a different way because our seven-year-old, again, she's the fourth. So she's in it all. All of it.

And you know what? It's wild because, you know, the older one, it's like, oh, my God, don't say fuck. And, like, he thought the, you know, the worst word in the world was the S word. And that was stupid, which I still will argue is the worst word. It's a good word. But he, but now Josie will listen to all of the Taylor Swift hear fuck a million times or here fuck a million times because, by the way, I say fuck a lot. Because I say all the fucking time. Yeah.

All the fucking time is she never says it. Like she would never use it. She knows it's not her word to use. And we talk a lot about language. Like what words are yours to use? Which ones you can put in that toolbox and use all day long? And which ones you cannot. And which ones are lazy words and which ones are, I don't know. It's just it, we talk a lot about words because I think that words carry so much more meaning than people in our present day culture think that they do. And I carefully consider my words. And I, and sometimes, by the way, that really slows me down. But mostly, I think it's, I'm grateful for it. My little one, my five-year-old learned the F word. And we're like, that's not a word for you to use. So now he'll get upset and he'll say, I really, he doesn't talk all the way. But he was like, I really want to say the F word. And I was like, I really want to say the F word. And I was like. like, okay, I get the feeling you're trying to convey. So now instead of saying it, he'll say, I want to say the F word, you know, and we're like, yeah, I get the feeling. Yeah. But it's so funny that that's what he does. Because he gets, it's the moment for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I also, you know what, another thing that we used to do or things that I have done, I have no idea if they work for other people, by the way. But nowadays, I will sort of like will allocate a space. So for me,

it's like the car. Like what happens in the car, stays in the car. Say whatever. I like that. Like whatever. And by the way, all, all of it. Like, because I, it's, I'm not going to judge, right? Like, I'm actually saying it's because it's the, it's the, I think, I feel like everybody wants a shortcut from conflict to resolution. Nobody wants to. Nobody wants to. Nobody wants to. sit in the conflict. It's so uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable. And so I believe that the only way out is through. And the only way through for some people is like, fuck that shit. Yep. Yeah. Like sometimes I, like, why wouldn't I, in a safe space where I'm not hurting anyone with my words, why wouldn't I be able to be like, that person was fucking awful. I cannot stand what they did. And I, and just like, get it out.

That's healthy. Yeah. Because I think if you hold it, you get into that whole hurt people, hurt people. If you hold it, it just like it has physical properties, it finds some other way of getting out and unloading on someone else. Yeah, we feel our feelings so we don't become our feelings. Yeah. Yeah. We feel angry so we don't become angry.

So it's like you express it so that you don't become it. Yeah, which I think is... Which is a lot of fucks in the car. Yeah, sometimes you need to... Fuck that. Fuck that. Okay, so you're a new podcast. Yes, and we have two minutes because I've got to pick up Josie.

Yep. The new podcast. You know what? I'm so excited. I was late to the game on podcasts and I would, all my very smart friends would talk about the podcast that they were listening to. And I never also, I never really considered myself of someone who learned auditorially. I always found that I needed to see things.

So I just sort of took podcast out of my like, I'm not going to like podcasts. And so I was a little bit late to the game. And then I got hooked by Brne Brown. Yes. And I started listening. And I found quickly that I actually still would say I learn. I take in information better by looking at it. But there was this whole other category that I hadn't considered, which was

I felt so much listening to her. I felt it. So I didn't have to learn it. I just had to feel it. And I think that podcasts are uniquely positioned to be so much for their listeners. And there's so many out there that listeners get to pick what it is that they want to be with, right? Like, do I want, I mean, because you know they're out there. Like, you want to be angry at the world?

There's a podcast for that. You want to sit in your feelings. There's a podcast for that. You want to do something about a problem. There's a podcast for that. And Camilla and I have been friends, you know, since we met at Grays. And we weren't fast friends. We didn't click right away. There wasn't this incredible. Like we saw each other across the room and we were best friends. And we talk about that in the first episode. But we stayed friends through me leaving Grays and then me moving across the country. And our friendship has always just had. a real ease about it in that we talk it out. And we've always been, I think, because we love each other so much and because we deal with things similarly, we've been able to speak very honestly with each other. And so when things have been, you know, the hard, the hard, the hard, the hard reflections on an experience or the, the, maybe on the perspective that you're not so interested in hearing sometimes, we are able to. to speak to with each other and in our friendship. And, you know, the loneliness epidemic is no secret

anymore. We all know that people are lonely. People are looking for connection. And while it's sort of parasocial, it's, it's effective. And so starting this podcast was kind of like, all right, listen, everybody's got problems and everybody's got wonderful things to report. So it's not just all bad news. But our idea was to sort of take our friendship and and scale it out. You know, how do you open up that friendship circle so that you are including people and sorting through stuff? And we've also come to, we've come to the saying that feels very accurate, which is that we are unlicensed to advise, but we're going to do it anyways. And that's, and that's sort of where it sits. And I'm super, I don't know, I'm wildly, wildly excited about it.

Even just, you know, being here today with you, too, it makes me realize how much can be discovered in the course of an hour where you just are. And the things that you come up to talk about and the things that you get from each other and being able to look at your faces while we're doing this and get from you what I've gotten is a gift. And so, you know, I'm hoping for more of that. Yeah. Well, we feel the same with you today. Yeah, it's beautiful. It really is. Yeah. And this was awesome. Really appreciate it. And so excited for your podcast and to listen. And to have met you. Because I've always heard so many wonderful things. Me too. Me too. Me too. And like I said, the Google search was really truly only for the nuts and bolts. I was like, so, but where does she grow up? And where did she do this? Where did she do that? Well, I appreciate that.

But yes, I know. Go get your daughter. I were amazing, beautiful mother, human, and we can't wait to listen. What's new, guys? So much. I really enjoyed my salad. I did too. It had like hot honey in it.

Did you get the little bit of spice? I don't know about the spice, but I will tell you something that I appreciate. What? There's a certain crunch to a toasted almond that if not toasted properly, doesn't have the crunch. Doesn't have the crunch. This one is toasted properly. It's perfectly toasted almonds, I agree. Yeah, right?

Mm-hmm. How do you feel about toasted almonds, Bob? I love them. So good. Do you love them? I like an almond, yeah. Out of all toasted nuts, what is your favorite? Great question.

A walnut. What? Never in, like, top three answers of all time. No. Hazelnut. It's hazelnut. Maybe it's hazelnut, actually. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I got to find out. The hippo salad. Yeah, that's hazelnut. It's definitely not, huh? Walnut. Definitely not Walnut. I thought we were talking like wood types that we like. You idiot.

Yeah. What's the third? It's hazeln. I know, that was mean. It was so rude. That was rude. I didn't mean it. I take it back.

Walnut. It's not a walnut. And I think it is. Hazeln, it's not a hazelnuts. Hazelnut is number one. a Marcona almond, perhaps? No, I like those, too, but I'm pretty sure as a walnut. Pull up the menu, let's see.

I don't think it is, because I can picture that salad, and I do not picture a walnut. I like a toasted, like papita. Walnuts, toasted walnuts. What? I don't know if you have hazelnuts wrong. In what salad? The hippo salad. It's a garden lettuce and radish, vinaigrette.

salad. Huh. I could have swore it was a hazelnut. A walnut looks like this. We know what a walnut looks like. This is a walnut. We know what walnuts look like. You know what a walnut is?

You know what a hazelnut looks like? Yes. Yeah. Well, I stand by white walnut. I stand by my walnut. I stand by my walnut. Go stand by it. I like a macadamia nut too.

I like it in a cookie. Mm-hmm. What? in a cookie, a walnut? A macadamian. Oh, yeah. I don't, I don't mind a walnut in a chocolate chip cookie. I never would have said that as a kid, but now. Now you have the freedom, too. Yeah. Now that you're out of your mommy's rain. I do have a question for you guys over a cat. Picon or Pekan, sorry. Picon. Okay. Picon pie. Pekon. Pekon. Pekan. I think I do both. Yeah. It's like caramel. Yeah. Caramel.

But I never do caramel. I never say caramel. Do you? So there's a difference between I want... Salted caramel? Like salted caramel. Caramel. Caramel. Carmel. You don't like caramel. But do you say caramel apple? I say caramel. I don't say caramel.

You don't say caramel? No. It's like... It's like a mobile or mobile. Like a toffee type. My brother says pillow. What? Yeah. Does he say milk? I think he says milk, but he fucking for sure says pillow.

He'll be like, I lifted off of my pillow. And I'm like, you're what? Speaking of kids and food, I have a question. Elliot Lee. Elliot Lee. Elliot Lee. Elliot Lee. Elliot Lee recently started to eat tuna sandwiches.

Oh. Smelly. Mm, good. Love a tuna sandwich. I eat a tuna sandwich. What? What? You do? I've never known this.

Not even a tuna melt? Not even good tuna? Like, I mean, I guess. She's not a relish tuna person? No. Yeah, I would never, yeah. I don't fuck with relish. I don't fuck with turner.

I don't fuck with tuna. Okay, what? Unless it's like, at like Uchi. Here he goes. Okay, go. So if your kid likes tuna and they want it for lunch at school, do you give it to them? Yeah.

Do you spare them the embarrassment of being the kid with the speaking tea sandwich? I think they're there. Yeah, he's there right. I would not. I mean, he's eight years old. You dude? Absolutely. 100%.

They're not, maybe kids aren't assholes at your school? I don't know. They don't get me done of yet. I remember when I was a kid, I remember wanting a tuna sandwich, but it would never take it to school because it was like deeply embarrassed. Yeah, but I feel like you were probably a little older. I mean, you think it's starting started? I mean, eight seems about the time when...

I mean, he's already got a crush on a girl. Yeah, I think he's prime self-conscious, getting made fun of age. I would say it starts maybe in fourth grade, would be my assumption. No more tuna in fourth grade. Tuna is banned in fourth grade. No.

I would not send Cal to school with tuna. It just seems like... And also, he loves, like, hard-boiled eggs, and I'm just like, I just feel like that's aggressive. Like, you're opening your life. lunchbox and like, I know what you mean. He's got his little spoon to crack it. He's got a knee-swa salad, you know?

I know what you mean, though. But I think that's our own shit that we're projecting that we felt like embarrassed about in school. What embarrassed you in school? Well, I think L.A. is probably a little different. If he was living in like the Midwest and brought his tuna sandwich and hardboiled eggs, he'd maybe get a little harder. Oh, he'd maybe get what? get picked on a little more

Oh. Oh. Right. Because L.A. Like everyone's eating weird shit here. True. There's always a new like health craze and allergies and things like that. Well, he's the allergy kid. Yeah. He has the allergy kid.

I never thought I was going to have the allergy kids. That's so weird. Yeah. I used to think they were making it up. I'm like, these people can't have all these allergies. This is ridiculous. What do you think that's from? The allergies?

Mm-hmm. I think over. Like overbearing mothers. No, no. Environment. My theory is mold toxicity. Here we go. That's what I think.

And why is there so many food allergies? There was never, obviously our foods made different. So we're responding to it. Like, it's not good for us. But the actual allergies, I think it's mold. From where? Maybe we had it in a house or something and didn't know. Because they do associate mold toxicity.

with EEOE, which is what Elliot has, which is what causes his allergies. When did his coughing start though when he ate things? How old was he? How old was he? Where were you living? Two years old in Santa Monica. Where I was pregnant with him. And where I had him.

You lived by the ocean? I did. All that toxicity in the ocean. It's a theory. It's a running theory. Did you go swimming in the ocean while you're pregnant, too? in Hawaii He means Santa Monica He was like no

I didn't go swimming in San Juanica Ocean when I was pregnant Or ever Or ever I did take I did take surf lessons In San Juanica Pregnant?

No No I mean I've been in the ocean Yeah yeah yeah You took surf lessons to Santa Monica? I did Yeah I learned something new I never thought there's something I didn't know

Yeah They call it the bunny slopes of waves. The what? The bunny slopes of waves. Of course. You did that. Yeah.

It was great. Would you surf? Yeah. Why don't we surf this summer? I don't want to do that here. Would you serve? Yeah. I don't want to do that.

You know how cold the water is here? That is not fun. It's what a wet suits for. It's not fun. I know I have a friend in Chicago that they will surf on Lake Michigan in the winter. Yeah, that's ridiculous. And he'll post like pictures and he's got like icicles coming off his beard. That does not sound fun.

It looks cool. Cool. Anything for the gram? I did the pole. I did a polar plunge. That was freezing. What? In where?

In Canada. She's like in my pool. That was cold. In Costa Rica. Oh. What? I was laughing at some of the comments on our Instagram recently. I have no idea where this is going, but I know I don't like it.

Oh, your wedding ring? No, not the wedding ring. They're like, Rachel, that's really giddy. Oh, I love to see Rachel flirt with boys. Oh, look at Rachel. She loves our mail gas. Yeah. Really wakes up.

Oh, Rachel, she's awake. There's the Rachel we know and love. There she is. I'm really happy that you guys find this funny. I do. I actually find it really funny, and I'm like, you know what? I think the fans see her. I think they know her, feel her, and see her.

Hence why she's asleep. Because there's no. You're a boy in the room. Just kidding, Rob. How rude. I'm joking. But I am so comfortable with you. I almost peed with the door open today and didn't even

things to shut it. But the door was open and I was going to pee because if it's just Rachel, I would never shut the door. And so I was about to do that. And then I was like, oh, maybe I should shut the door. Rob would not even care. Not at all.

I don't even think you would have no. I think you'd pee with the door open. Do you? He's like, when you're at home alone and I'm in your room. Exactly. But I'm like, Yeah, so was she, though. Where were you?

Peeing? No, I was in by the kitchen. Yeah, that's like, like you guys were in the kitchen, though, and I wanted to, like, I get FOMO. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to shut the door and be out of the conversation. That bathroom's enough around the corner, too. The kitchen one?

Unless I followed you over there, like, it wouldn't matter if the door was open or closed, which I'm not following you that way anyway. I can see you're doing it, though, to pop out and scare it. when we come out of the bathroom. He tried to hide today when I opened the front door, but I have all windows. I saw you at the window today when I was getting here and I was like, I know what he's going to do. He's trying to hide, but there's windows. You can literally see.

Well, I did that in purpose. I knew that I could hear you coming from that direction. And I opened. I'm like, Rob, you know, he can see you. It's like how shepherd hides. No, I was trying to lock the door on you today. That's what I did. I knew you were doing.

I did the deadbolt and the latch. Yeah, I see your reflection, and I'm like, he's doing something to fuck with me. I don't know what it is, but I can see him. Yeah. Rachel and I used to do weird things, okay? We used to put on weird outfits. Do you remember this? We have pictures.

We do have pictures. But, like, people would be coming over, and we'd be like, let's... We're really entertained. ourselves. Dress up and open the door and pretend to be normal when they get here in like a bikini and high heels. And try. I have pictures of us in that.

In bikini and high heels. Bikinis and high heels. I don't remember this. And try and be like, hi. This is normal. Like it's normal. Did we pull it off? I don't know.

She's like, I did. I don't know. You know me. I cannot keep a straight face. That's what we used to do. Not. We should address one in the comments. What?

There was a comment about you being married. Yeah. Really? You're wearing a wedding ring right now. You're wearing it on your ring finger. Because they only fit on this finger. And I really like them. Let's clear.

Am I married? Yeah. No. The only thing you got married? Are you engaged? No. No. These, I love these rings.

I've had them for a very long time. and they only fit on this finger so I felt like wearing them I'm going against the norm guys someone actually commented and acted if I was married I think a lot of people did multiple people wanted to know if you were married well no I'm not married you guys ready for your options

this week my boyfriend of one week wants to marry me in a year is this a red flag it's question one Question two. You're voting for that one? No, I have something to say about that one.

Let's put your hand on until... Put your hand down. Question two. My boyfriend gets mad at me when I locked the bathroom door. Hmm. Suss. Am I wrong for saying no to my boyfriend? Who went from wanting a threesome to now wanting another girlfriend.

I know. Switch one of those three. I was just going to say there was a recent headline. What? about someone who said something on like the first date about being together. Do you want that one? Might as well. All right.

Hi, I am a 21-year-old non-binary. I recently wanted a date with a 20-year-old male and became a partner. I thought it was weird when he brought up rings and made a joke. Hopefully the last expensive ring I'll buy will be in the next 9 to 12 months. I laughed a little awkwardly and he talked about how in the next few months I should leave my face. family and move in with him on the first date. I have issues with tone and sometimes I can't understand social interactions. Fast forward to yesterday he asked me about a relationship timeline. I said I'd like to date for a few years until I really know a person. He then came up with this absolute bat-shit,

insane relationship timeline here. Six months are pretty tame. Getting to know each other and maybe playing around a little bit with some ideas are great, not fooling around as much, but getting to know each other. Six to eight months is definitely preferred to getting more serious, finding somebody that would definitely be good to move in with and actually moving in during that time. Things get a little more serious by then, and of course, nine to 14 months at that time, I'm probably going to propose an engagement at some point, and hopefully after this, it would be final stages, which would just be marriage. And it was like you completely ignore that I said years. I don't want to marry you in a year. Anyways, I think I'm breaking up because

this is crazy. Please tell me what you think. I think it sounds like a good timeline. One year? At 20? No, they're not going to get married. I just like a guy that's in. You like, you like, the security of that. I'm like, let's go. Let's do that. I know I'm going to have your approval in a year and that'll be that. Figure it out in the year and if it doesn't work, you move on. It's better than I know I'm not going to get married for 10 years when you know you want to get married in two years. So you're saying they just go go for a year and then see where things are at? I think that breaking up with someone because they want things to move faster than you do is a little bit odd. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like at least they're

interested in you. If you like them, why don't you see where it goes? It's better than the opposite. Yeah. I mean, they're young, though. That's the biggest thing for me. That's why it just all sounds like boo hockey. It's like fantasy. Are they wrong then for leading this person on knowing that in a year they won't be ready? And that's what their expectations are? How do you know in a year, though? If you are or you're not. You can say, I'm not sure I'll be ready in a year. I don't know where I'll be. It may take me five years. It may take me 10 years. But if you're willing to explore where this goes, let's do this. We both have to compromise on our time. line in order to be together, right? Mm-hmm. So let's see where it goes. Just for the record, I'm not the one that's at this time.

I don't like this question. You picked it. I gave you two other options. What were the other options? Bathroom door locked and didn't want a three-some one, another girlfriend. I mean, these are all such simple questions. Lock the bathroom door if you want, tell them you need privacy. and if your dude wants to have a three-some or another girlfriend and you're monogamous,

then you're saying, no, goodbye. The bathroom locking, he's just controlling and worried that she's, like, doing something. Yeah, like, you should be able to lock the bathroom door. Privacy. Yeah. Agreed. Do you have any privacy in your home? Mm-hmm.

He has his whole basement to himself. Yep. He does. Why do you think he put the Uber toilet in the basement? The Uber toilet Uber toilet Just like the Oh the extra toilet

Not I was like for the Uber drivers I do like your toilet All right I got a question A new question Okay Yeah My fiance told me he would prefer

To go on vacation without me Am I missing something Last night my fiance Told me He would prefer to go see our friends in Seattle without me, even though we actually got engaged the last time we went together. We never really ventured apart except for once last summer, so this seemingly coming from nowhere. I asked why, but he only provided it flows better when you're not there.

I'm not entirely sure what that means because we're both outdoorsy people, and when we went together, we both did everything we wanted to do, plus what our friends wanted to do. see the market, go to specific restaurants, etc. I'm a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no to anyone, especially when we're guests in their home. I would actually wake up early to do some of the household chores for them. Should I be upset? Like I said, it's a special place to both of us since we got engaged there, and it just isn't like him to say he wants to go without me.

I don't care to give him the space. It's just not typical of him. It's weird. He's on drugs. 100%. He's on drugs. It's drugs. He's cheating on her.

I wish you had an answer like that again. He's cheating on her. Oh, he's cheating on her 100%. Yeah, he's cheating on her. It's their mutual friends. They're engaged. I don't know. I think that sometimes people just want to do their own thing.

But it's their mutual friends. I understand if it's like his friends. He's 100% cheating on her. No, I'm not going to make that plan to be cheating on her. Is it mutual friends like male-female going? It's their friends. Yeah, probably a couple. I don't know this person, so I don't know.

Not weird. Like, I don't think he's going to bring, like, his... He is going to see their friends that they, that she also knows. Oh, I'm not saying he's going to bring his mistress. He's going to meet her up on the way. He's maybe engaged, or he's engaged in, like, is making this big commitment and wants to have a little space. It's called a bachelor party. With his, with their mutual.

I understand if it's, like, his friends. Or maybe he's going to hang out with the husband or the dude. You're only... Because you do it all the time. We're like, I'm going to go with my friends. Yeah, we do trips together and we're all so okay. Does she do trips on her out? Yeah, she's on trips on her.

She does? Mm-hmm. Because I hear about yours. Yeah, I hear about hers. I mean, the biggest thing when we do the trips is the expense. That's like the biggest thing we will argue about. It's not that like, I don't want you going somewhere without me. She'll be like, why you don't want you going somewhere without me?

You don't want me going anywhere without you? I don't want you going anywhere without you. I don't want you going anywhere without me. But I would never be like, I don't care if Jeff goes on trips. I would just find it weird that you're going with our friends and don't want me to go. I think they live there. I don't think they're going to visit. I mean, I think it is a little weird that they're doing a trip that they've done together that they like.

That's one thing versus like me going to mammoth with a bunch of guys to ski and snowboard. Like now that does not want to do that. Right. Which is fine. But going on a trip that she would like to go to. Yeah. She'd probably be like, no, fuck that. Yeah.

Or like, I'm going to come and we'll just do different things. That's what I would do. To me, I'm like there's a reason he doesn't want her there. And that would upset me. It's a hundred percent he's cheating. He's cheating. And on drugs. And on drugs.

And gambling. Probably. He's gambling. Yeah. All right. We did it, guys. I don't trust him. I really don't, but I got to go.

All right. Bye. That was a hate gum podcast.