Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Nadine Crocker on Inner Circle Management, Mel Gibson, and Ending Transgenerational Trauma

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Director, actor, writer, producer Nadine Crocker talks with Rachel and Olivia about Mel Gibson, her new film Desperation Road and ending transgenerational trauma. They also discuss dreaming big and following your gut instinct, mothers in films, and managing your inner circle.Broad Ideas is supported by Talkspace. Get $80 off your first month at Talkspace.com/IDEAS.Broad Ideas is supported by Blissy. Get better sleep now with Blissy, and use code RACHEL to get an additional 30% off at blissy.com/RACHEL.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast on HBO Max, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to broad ideas.

I just wanted to say that as proper as possible. Cool. Yeah, good job. Thank you. Nadine Crocker is on today. Woo, woo. Nadine is a phenomenal filmmaker, writer, director, actor, producer, everything.

She is a longtime love of Olivia's. A newer love of mine. I've gained such a special light in my life. Tell us about that special light. You will see and hear for yourself because we're welcoming Nadine. Sometimes when the inside of Rachel's little brain, all these thoughts are swirling round and round inside to join us on this journey as we take a little ride. We'll talk about dogs and kids and things.

We'll talk about chicks and tampon strings. We'll talk about boys. Because people die. Okay. All right. We're going to say hi. Hi. We're so happy.

I'm going to let you introduce. Nadine. Yeah. Crocker. The fabulous, amazing, gifted, beautiful creature of love. that you are, we're really happy to have you here. I'm so excited to be here. Thanks for having me. It's weird. I know. It's like surreal. It is surreal. Well, we've been talking about for so long wanting to sit down and talk with you. I mean, for so many reasons. And obviously, on a personal

level, we are friends and all of those things. But just, I don't know. There just feels like there's like so much love here and the inspiration that I know I feel from you and the work you do and the human you are and everything. And it's just like coming together finally and being able to talk to you. It just feels like a blessing. I'm just going to just going to say it. Thank you for saying that. I feel the same way. I just like I feel like I'm a fan girl. I listen to all of your guys' episodes. Just like smiling the entire time and couldn't wait to come and talk to you guys. So thank you. for having me. Yeah.

And you and Olivia have known each other for a long time. How long has it been now? Like 10... Probably 10 years or more. Yeah. Or more maybe. How old is Elliot? Elliot is going to be eight.

Yeah, so probably like 10. I think I like 10. Because it was before I even met Jeff or anything. Oh, wow. Yeah. Before Jeff. We got introduced through our friend Bubba. He came to me one day and he was like,

there's this girl, Nadine, she's you. He's like, you need to meet her. He's like, she's like a mini you. And like, all I can say is you guys need to be in each other's lives. And that's exactly what happened, right? Yeah, it was like love at first time. It was. But it was also, I mean, for me or like a godsend, you know, I was getting sober.

And that person who introduced us was my Eskimo, I guess you call it there, who helps you get sober. and, you know, introduce me to Olivia. I think it was like my first, like, healthy relationship with a woman who, like, who I saw could, you could be sober and kind and spiritual and all of these things and find, like, meaningful relationships. I hadn't had a lot of women in my life at that time. And what's funny is, like, then you've gone out of my life at different, like, you know, moving and different stuff. And every time it comes, you come back, it's like no time ever.

passed at all. And like those are the friendships, you know, like you never forget. It's like the ones where it doesn't matter how much time passes, like you know each other's soul. You know? And it's like those are the relationships that give you so much life, you know. They're hard to find. I do think it's interesting how you came back in my life and it ties into the podcast. It does. Because Teresa Palmer and Sarah Olson came on the podcast and they were talking to us about manifestation and you know, I'm obsessed with... That's our shit. Literally.

Our shit. And they were saying, dream big. Like, make it something big. And I sat with that for a moment. And I'm like... Teresa was like, I wanted to do a movie with Brad Pitt. And then I got a script. And it was like Brad Pitt.

And she got this. And we were just like, holy fuck, you can dream as big as Brad Pitt. We're going to dream big. Right? And then she showed us her phone. Like she had her little visualizations on her phone and everything. And we were just like, wait a minute, what are we doing?

Like, what is the big thing we think is unattainable or that's too big to dream of? And then Sarah followed it up with. And when you get a gut instinct to act on it immediately, not to wait, not to let it pass, but that that's the muse whispering to you. And when the muse whispers, if you don't act on it, it'll go ahead and whisper to someone else. I hadn't seen or talked to you in like years, seven years, something, seven years. I hope it's not that. Oh, yeah, you could have him met my son.

Because I was pregnant. Yeah. The last time I saw you. And then I was driving one morning at six in the morning and I thought, and Rachel and I have talked so much about like writing things and creating projects and doing things. And I just got this gut instinct. reach out to Nadine. And I wrote you at like six in the morning and was like, hey, this may be weird.

Yeah, but my favorite part is that you said that you pulled the car over to do it, which is like, you pulled the car over. On the way to drive Shepard to school, I pulled the car over and was like, this might sound weird. I'm texting you at like six in the morning, but I'm trying to do this thing where I follow my gut. And I want to connect with you. I want to pick your brain about writing. And so you responded instantly

And you were like, oh my God We met like the next day or something And talked for like I literally was like I think I'm not free tomorrow But I'm free the day after Let's sit down And it was like that that love That doesn't go anywhere

It's soul connection Yeah But I also am like a big And this is another thing too It's like I'm a big person And she knows this on like pay it forward Or things like that So like, regardless of how much I love her, it was also the fact that someone was like,

I'm following my gut. And I'm like, yes, I want to tell someone to do that. And also I want to pick your brain because I have these dreams. And I'm like, yes, I want to tell someone to do that. It also helps that it's Olivia. And I'm like, and I'm also fucking obsessed with her. So yes, all around tomorrow, over the next day, we're sitting down. Right.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. And it changed the course of all three of our lives, you know. And we sat down. Obviously, you know, we're working on things together. And Rachel's an executive producer of one of your films that's coming out that is absolutely. I'll let her take over.

Well, yeah. I mean, I know you can't say much about continue because you're acting in it. But we can. And what I will. I'm just sort of silly because I also produced it, put my life savings and ended up homeless for it. I wrote it. my true life story. So like, I just be able to scream from the mountaintops about that, but that's been another day.

You will. You'll come back and scream about it. Absolutely. But like when I watched that, I was so overcome by like, I was so blown away by everything you did. I mean, every little detail, acting, direct, the, like, I was so blown away and inspired, like I said before, like the inspiration that just exudes because of you. And it's unreal.

And it's, but not only that, it's so amazing to see a woman do that and do it that fucking, like, amazingly well. You see my eyes starting to water as you're talking. Let's go. Let's cry. It's so beautiful. And I'm like, if we have this, like, example, like, fuck yes. And that's just like the energy that comes with it is just like, fuck yes.

And I was just like, okay, anything, anytime, anywhere, this fucking woman and everything she has done and does and we'll do, I just want to be in your presence. Like, in the energy of it, like, whatever it is. And it's just, and that's so genuine. Very. And she never feels that way. I was like, she wouldn't say that. I know Rachel well enough to know she wouldn't say that she didn't be it. Oh, my God.

That's why I also mean so much, you know, because I love both of you guys so much. And like, you know, there's always nerves when I share that film in particular because it's based on my life. And it's, and it really is a glimpse into the messiness that, you know, lives inside of me in my 20s and mistakes and regrets and, um, and pain and trauma and, you know, all of the things. and it's the things like we're normally taught to like not show. Like let's not talk about, right? So when I first went on that journey of like being like, okay, I'm going to like let the cat out of the bag that like these are struggles I have. And this is like what I've been through.

And you know, and to see it be accepted and like to hear you say those things, you know, means a lot because pretty much everyone told me that no one would like the movie that no one wanted to talk about mental health, that, you know, it's a taboo subject, that people wouldn't like my ending, like, which, you know, I can't say much about until the movie comes out. But, you know, it just, I had to fight really hard.

And I do feel like since the pandemic and, like, since people, I just feel like people are more open about depression and suicide, suicidal ideation and just, like, struggles. And, you know, but I just, I'm really proud, like, You know, sometimes where you know those moments where you're like, God, who was that girl?

She was really brave. Like, I don't feel like that girl. Like, you know, it's like that. I think that all the time, like, when I talk about like dropping out of high school and moving here when I was 16, I'm like, God, that girl was fearless. I'm like, you know, so was the girl who put her entire life savings. And then like, you know, like, you forget that that girl's in there, you know? Right.

Because when you're doing it, I mean, we talk about this a lot. When you're doing it, like, it's terrifying. You don't feel like brave. You feel like courageous, you know? Like we always talk about courage is more important than confidence or all of those other things. You know, and it's just kind of having the courage and putting one foot in front of the other. Right. And to hear like you resonated with it and, you know, you resonated with it and other people who have seen it.

And, you know, my whole mission was to save lives from suicide. And every time I hear someone say that they think that I might be able to be able to. do that. You know, it just feels like, you know, I get emotional just thinking about it. It's always been the mission. So. Right. But yeah. I mean, I hope so. That's why we leaped into it to get behind because that's why we're doing this podcast is like it's for people to feel a little bit less alone and to take some of the things that may be kept inside and bring them to the light and be like, look, it doesn't matter where you're at in your career. It doesn't matter. where you're at in life.

Like these things are being felt all over the place. Right. Depression's real. Anxiety's real. All mental health issues need to be addressed and they need to be talked about. And you have one of the most courageous, generous spirits I've ever come across. Absolutely. Yeah.

Like. I point to her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. And it's also, you know, speaking to what you're saying is,

like the safe space that we want to create and it's like what you've created with your film to be able to be so open and and show all right like it's really like the most vulnerable to show yourself in that way or you know and and but to make it not taboo or not um just people there's so many people out there that can resonate with it and and and i kind of like find myself saying like it's not easy and people sometimes, but like, it should be. Right. It should be. Let's make it easy.

Let's make it easy because that's exactly what people need, I think, when you're struggling or going through things. That's exactly why I did. I made the movie the way I did and just like everything about it is because when you're in it, there's nothing more isolating. You feel completely alone. Like something's wrong with you. Like I constantly, I think I still feel that feeling of like thinking I'm a freak or a

burden. Like the burden messaging in my mind comes in real heavy all the time, you know, like when you're having a bad day. I'm all shit. Will my parents be listening to this? I think it's ingrained from our childhood. I do. And I think if we're told our emotions are too much, like, God, she's so dramatic. God, she, oh, that's her little actress. It's like, I just think it gets ingrained in us that like you know in that crazy thing and like you know i was listening i listened to all your guys's episodes and i love your podcast and you know christina ritchie and you guys had a great conversation about like the crazy thing and like you know just like how frivolously that's thrown around and different things and so it becomes such a feared like thing of looking that way or being that way or for

me like difficult you know female directors like if you are outspoken or very like like, determined, specific. I mean, all of the things that I am. I have OCD. Like, what makes me, my husband and I actually talk about this a lot is like, what makes me such a good creator is what makes living everyday life and my body hard. Like, I obsess. I get consumed.

I channel. Like, I believe I'm channeling with God when I write. But, like, at the same time, being with a person who channels and gets involved and writes a script, my later script, four days, 27 pages a day. Holy shit. That tells you, it's bananas, but it also tells you what kind of like disappearance, like, bye, love you, like, you know, almost like, I kind of sometimes call it like a form of mania, you know, I'm sure that there are flavors of that.

But. Sure. So, you know, it's, you know, going back to all of that, I do think that we're told at a young age that those things like, you know, maybe they're what make us creative a really great, you know, I'm a very different being than my sister is. My sister's very intellectual, stray days, like all of those things. I was not, but I could do creative and all of these different things. But it's like maybe that wasn't valued as much or maybe that was looked at as dramatic or maybe is a lot.

I don't know, you know, but either way it gets ingrained in us, that burden mentality or if I'm, having an emotional day, I feel like I have to isolate and, like, kick rocks so that you don't put it on other, you know, it's like... Do you find yourself still doing that, like, now? Yeah, I think I'll probably always kind of have flavors of that, except for I have now, like, friends, like, you guys who, like, you wouldn't let me. You know, you'd be like, no, let's talk about it. Right. A husband who's, like, you know, so supportive, but also so attuned to, like, my emotions. It's very, it's hard.

I guess I've never been with someone who actually like paid attention to my emotion. Yeah. So I can't really hide it in the same way, you know? Like I just went home. It's always like that fine line of like, what do you, are you, are you going to tell this story? But okay, I think I'm going to. But I went home for my parents, my dad's 70th birthday this weekend. And returning home for me is not what it is for most people.

And, like, my husband's like, how are you? I'm like, good. You know, and he's like, yeah, I think you've said maybe like four words an entire weekend. So how are you? Like, you disappear inside, you know? And it's just because like when I don't know how to process or I don't know how to, it's like I'm, I go up here and then I'm there and I stay there, you know? Yeah.

So I think it's definitely still a form of it. like our ways of coping that we're used to. Mine is to go inward. Right. But you have a partner though that like set is so. Spots it. Yeah. Which I mean.

So where you're like, oh shit. Okay. I guess let's talk about it. Right. I'm feeling this. You know? And then it forces you're like, oh. Yeah.

You want to know? Yeah. I know. Do we really have to talk about this? I mean, it's the same shit I feel every time I go home. You know, it's like same shit different day. You kind of feel like a broken record at times. But.

Mm-hmm. At the same time, it's nice to talk about it, you know? Yeah. I think once you finally can or do, it releases something, you know. And I mean, I go through that stuff all the time, even when it's like something really small. Like, am I inconveniencing someone? Like, oh, I don't want to text you because am I bothering you? I'm constantly convinced I'm bugging people.

Right. Like, I won't even text to you or like anything. And she's like, what do you mean? You couldn't bug me? And I'm like, yeah, but like, you know. Yeah, it's our own. It's 12 o'clock on a table. Tuesday. Like, I can't bother you. Right. I'll get back to you and I can. Yeah.

Like, it's never going to be like, you know. Yeah. And it's always. And it's just like that inner dialogue you have with yourself. And it's like so, I don't know what the word is. Like if it's like insecure or, you know, talking down to or whatever like this person doesn't want to hear from me or I'm doing, you know. And it's just like this insecurity. And I think it does probably. I mean, it must stem from childhood and whatever, you know, formulated that. And I'm trying to think, I'm like, what was it for me? My brother, like, teased me all the time, but like, I don't know, you know, but I think that we really, I think it's just the, I really do think it's just the mind protecting us from, from pain, from rejection. It's like fear of rejection. Yeah. So, like,

whenever you first felt the feeling of rejection as a kid, your coping mechanisms kicked in and we're like, we're going to make sure you don't feel this again. So anytime you get a glimmer of that, they come in to do their job. Well, you also think that, like, you know, you're a good girl if you smile and you're this and oh, she's like, you know, so I think like whether you know it or not, it's ingrained that like, oh, people like me when I'm the happy and like outgoing and like the this and the that, which inevitably means that people don't like me when I'm the other friend. Right. Right. You're such a light. You're so inspired.

So you kind of feel like I've got to be that. And if I'm not that, yeah. Yeah, like, oh my God, you know. And it's like, so I feel like I have to, you know, I'm an empath and I'm, and I love people. And so then I feel like I, if I'm not giving that to each person, or I'm having a bad, you know, it's like, okay, well, I have to do that and I have to be that. And then all of a sudden you're like, God, why am I fucking depleted, you know? And it's like, so getting older and like getting attuned to these things in ourselves means like we constantly have to like listen to ourselves and work on these things.

And talk when we maybe are feeling like shutting down or, you know, not go if we don't feel like goddamn going. You know? Like I started doing that for myself more. She is good at that. Yeah. I want like that. She does not go.

She's like, nope, not going. Not doing anything. I need that energy. Broad Ideas is supported by Talkspace. Do you think seeing a therapist or psychiatrist would be helpful, but you don't have the time to actually find one and meet with them or afford them? Try Talkspace. By doing everything online.

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That's Talkspace.com slash ideas. Broad Ideas is supported by Blissie. Who knew that a better pillowcase is all you need for better sleep? Let's talk about staying cool throughout the night and waking up with hydrated skin and hair. Sleep better this summer with Blissie's award-winning 100% mulberry silk pillowcases. Blissi silk pillowcases are temperature regulating and have naturally insulating properties. So if you sweat and overheat while you sleep, Blissi is for you. It stays cool throughout the night so that you're not constantly waking up sweating around your neck or flipping.

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That's B-L-I-S-Sy.com slash Rachel and use code Rachel to get an additional 30% off. Sleep cooler this summer with Blissie. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And I think, you know, for a long time, there's certain situations and you go through things and I know I have gone through things that like shut me down where I wouldn't didn't be able to talk about anything. And I would just go inside and not deal. But like as I've gotten older and you have to train yourself to deal with it and like talk about it, but still stay home when you want to. Yeah.

Like, well, it's also like, I mean, I know we're all mothers here. So it's also very different when you're realizing I want to show him like that it's okay to have days. and it's okay to like be that way and like it's okay to have big feelings or or or you know whatever it is and to talk about your feelings and or you know just period I want to be better like and I come from a long life of trauma like I have been through some shit I have facted in so much life in my 34 years on this planet and most things you could like name I've probably been through and like the truth is I think that that was exactly

my plan because it formed you know like as a soul it formed who I am and it made me really I can relate to a lot of different people from a lot of different backgrounds and a lot of different backgrounds and a lot of different pain and different things and you know and it made me a better filmmaker I think it makes me

it's a gift yeah I do look at my trauma as a gift now right at the same time I don't want to repeat it at all no no no so like that's where it comes back to the mother's thing of like, okay, I've been through these things and I have these emotions and I have this stuff. And also, how do I be the best version of myself for my child and for my spouse and for myself, you know, and how do I keep growing? And it's just like a never ending fucking battle because the second you feel like you've like gotten through something like life brings shit up, you know, and it's just like constantly learning. Yeah. You're like, you know, like why? Why? You.

Yeah. I know. Olivia's like literally my coach. So like wait, she like it's so many of the things like something that you've really ingrained in me that I like constantly ask myself is like, how is this working for you? Even when in the moment it doesn't feel like it's working for you at fucking all. And then I can be like, oh, it's working for you because you just learned this. And it's working for you because it just reminded you that you still have the strength to do that. It's working for you because it made you. have this really serious conversation with that person. You know, it's like, so I'm looking at things from a different way than what my family does,

which is like as a family of victims. Like, everything is done to us. The world is an ugly place. People are ugly. None of the should I want any part of. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, okay, what's my part also? And that takes undoing.

That takes rewiring on such a level. like it's a constant 24 hour a day rewiring. But one of the questions I have, because Rachel and I, I watched both of your films back to back, and then sent them to Rachel. She watched them back to back, right? And I didn't say what I thought

because I wanted to hear what she said first, you know? And the most beautiful thing is we had the same exact reaction. We both said, this is what makes me want to do this. Like make films or have art and tell stories. Like your work woke up the same thing in both of us of like this is why this matters. Because there's plenty of content out there. But to watch what you did with Desperation Road and every single shot.

unbelievable. Like I, for me, you know, and I've been doing what I do for a long time. And I'll be like, okay, it's a job. And yeah, it's fun. And I do this. But then like watching your work, I was like, oh, like, no, I want to do that. Like, that's the thing, you know? And I'm like so blown away.

And it did it, like woke something up in me because I'm, I totally can be very. I don't know what the word is, but just, you know, coasting along, so to speak. And it was just like the creative side of just seeing what you did and so amazing. Like, I know I keep using the same words because it's like, but the directing, you know, obviously with continue and then desperation road right after and just watching, being able to watch them together was so fucking cool. And every like shot, like in your shooting. this scene and desperation, like, there was many and, like, in the car, but you're from behind and, like, they're in the truck and they're having a conversation. And then on the porch with

the, the, with Garrett Headland's character and the old fiancé and, like, just how everything's shot. I was just like, oh, oh, oh, my God. Yeah. Like, unreal, you know, and you had, the actors you had, you know, like I said, Garrett Headlin and Mel Gibson, fucking, you, like, directed Mel Gibson. Like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. You know? Like, holy shit, Nadine. Like, hold on. I could not, I could not, like, and the lead actress in it, she.

Willa Fitzgerald. Willa Fitzgerald. I was just like, I'm just going to talk about the movie for a second. Like, in the beginning of the movie, when she's at the motel with her daughter, okay. Like, I'm a mom and I'm watching this and she gets taken away. And, like, the daughter is in the motel. And all I can think is, like, she's going to wake up.

and her mom's gone. She would make me cry. I'm crying. I, when I saw that, I was like, I don't know if I can watch this. I was so emotionally like, I think you text me. I don't know if I can watch it.

I was like, I don't think I can go on. Like, that little girl's going to wake up and her mom's week. I was losing my mind and everything the character goes through and I'm not going to give anything away because everybody needs to fucking watch this. Yeah. Blown away just from the get-go

and the fact that you fucking did that is, Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah, it woke up in us what's true in our soul as far as storytelling goes and what matters. And, you know, my question to you, though, is do you believe, and this is where it gets tricky for me, and I have a hard time with it because, you know, we've all, all three of us have been through a lot of life, right? And we've had a lot of pain and trauma. Yeah. And, you know, I do think that that sometimes does go hand in hand with creativity. But how much of your creativity and your vision and your storytelling is attached to that?

Do you ever feel like you have to keep that pain alive in order to tell these stories? Or do you feel like what would happen when you heal? Are you able to still tap into that? it's a very very profound question actually and one that i don't know that i've given like deep thoughts like i so there's this line and continue where i say like i used to think that i had to like stay in these deep dark places to create my art you know and so i used to think like my depression and my pain and all of that is like what i needed to create from um but i think that it's cellular right Right. So those things we go through, like, you know, I don't know. I guess this is just coming to me in this moment. It's like the body keeps score, right? Like it's in there. Like we know that. We can tap into it anytime we want. But we don't need to stay in how in order to be able to like tell stories with that. I think it'll always. Those experiences that I've been through will always guide me a little bit through those, you know, like because when I'm sitting there and I'm directing.

people. It's not really my pain or the trauma. It's more like the human condition and the humanity of it all. And like, you know, and it's the backstory. And it's like, I'm not a method actor. So like, even with continue, I prepped it as if it was not mine. Like it, because it isn't. It is a dramatized version. It's there's differences. Like, my parents aren't dead. My grandfathers who took his life, not my father. But for the story, because of my dad and my relationship of talking about suicide and how affected. I wanted to be able to like almost say his words, right? So like I prep it like it's not my own at all, you know? So so so it probably is guiding me somewhat because like that is in us. Like right? You're like your trauma will always somewhat guide. Yeah. What you spend through. Exactly.

And like it's just but like this reason this comes up for me is you recently read my new scripts love me to oblivion. When I just wrote in four days. I just got the chill of No, it's disgusting. I was on the airplane, like, crying, embarrassingly on the plane. I didn't want it to end. I texted, I was like, that felt like a pack of cigarettes and, like,

bottles of wine. Like, I just wanted to, like, so I put that line, by the way, on my lookbook, I wrote a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes to the senses. That's what it is. Yeah, a ride that will leave you wrecked.

And because, like, that's, but, and so from that, the only reason I bring that up, for instance, is like, I have totally healed from, I went through a situation of domestic abuse. And I was in a very abusive relationship. And so I wrote this story. It came to me through a dream. And when I woke up from the dream, I realized it was a movie.

And it was actually about my past. It was like four in the morning, woke up, had a weird dream. Jeremy Allen White was in it, had this dream. It was me and him, and it happened. And I was like, oh, that's a movie. Oh, oh, it's about my past. Okay. Sat down that day at four, outlined it in an hour and a half, started writing four days later, had a finish script.

Wow. And so again, I say that because it's like, I'm healed from that domestic, but it was sure easy to tap into and completely go back to those moments. But the thing is, it didn't feel like I was reliving them at all. Like, it didn't make me feel. Yeah, I didn't feel. re-hurt or damaged. It was actually almost like eye-opening because through writing I realized

like so their names are blue and Natalie, I realized I am blue and I am Natalie. And they're both based on me. They're not based on the person who abused me because the person who abused me is unredeemable. I needed the guy to be likable. Right. Right. For this to be a movie you want to go on the journey whatsoever.

It's basically about how like love can be toxic. But it doesn't make the people bad. That's right. And it's so well. Some people, Well, no, no, no, no. There is toxic love where that version should just be beat up. No, but in the script, you find yourself rooting for him.

But that's, you know what I mean? That speaks to the fucking writing. Like, that's good writing. That's what you can. Well, because it's flawed individuals and we're all flawed individuals. How do you think you healed it? Like, what steps or what kind of led to that? Time.

Yeah. Time does heal a lot of wounds. For sure. I mean, massive amounts of therapy. coaching, sobriety, sobriety, sobriety, sobriety, sobriety, sobriety. I'm eight years sober on October 4th. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. And so truthfully, most of my memories that were continue or love me to a little bit of where while I was drinking, you know, so that eliminated a lot of the uncontrollable emotions instantly. Because now, like, I used to call myself.

a chemist. How many drinks tell I'm just the fun girl that they all want to hang out with? Because I am a blast. Most people wouldn't know that this is something I battle, right, unless you're my closest people and then you were with me. And then how many drinks until it's unleashed? Right. And then I can't reel it back in, you know, until you wake up the next day or whatever. So because those depression, that depression, those thoughts of self-worth and loathing and all of that, like, could come out, you know? So sobriety changed a lot. of that for me. But I also just think wanting to break the cycles, becoming a mother too, like later

helped me. Because I come from a family of trauma and abuse and saw mental and some physical abuse and grew up in like an environment that's that, you know, so that's what's like in the script. I have like, why I say I'm blue and both, because a. And X said to me, you know, the fucked up thing is, is that you think this is normal. You think screaming at each other like this is completely normal. And I was like, you know, probably in a moment like, fuck you, no, I don't.

But then later I'm like, wow, I actually do. Right, right. I totally do. Yeah. My parents scream at fine. My dad would throw things. Like, I'd come out as a kid and things would be ripped apart. And, you know, I've seen, you know, attrition shit.

So I totally. did think it was normal. It speaks to people who grow up in a household like that. Like, that is the norm, right? And so if they get into something else and they're doing this shit and the person is like, this is abuse. This is abusive. Like, no, that's offensive to people who are actually abused. Like, you don't know what you're talking about. Yeah. But you're like, wait, no. Yeah. Totally warped because of how you grew up. That's what happens. We're all brainwashed. Yeah. As children. Yeah. So we don't know what's normal, we just know what is. We just know our environment.

We know our normal, which is what we were exposed to. Yeah. Yeah. And it carries. And then once you have a tiny person, you're like, oh, that's not ever going to be fucking normal. No, that's never. That is never going to be normal.

You're never going to see. Even like we have this running joke, you know, in our family, it's like about the crockers, the crocker name period. It's like, oh, you're a crocker. And there's a lot of weight to that. And the Crocker women and they're crazy and they have the same rage as their fathers. And like, you know, and our fathers only have that rage because my grandfather beat the living fuck out of them and was an alcoholic and was terribly abusive. So let's call it what really is.

It's not Crocker rage. It's ancestral trauma being passed down from generation to generation. My dad is sober, but he has every ism of an alcoholic because that's what he grew up in. It's not even his fall. Like none of it that I am talking about is, I believe, is, you know, it was taught to him, right? But I'm sitting there at Crocker Christmas and all the Crocker ladies are going back and forth telling stories of like them doing crazy shit. I'm just sitting there listening. And I'm like in my head.

And I don't want them to ever think like I'm sitting there thinking like, I'm better than you. Right. But I'm sitting there thinking like essentially, thank God, I get a lot of therapy and da-da-da. I won't repeat that. I will not repeat that. I will not. Yeah. This is where that cycle ends.

It ends with me because I will not repeat that incestral trauma. And I am not taking that to my son. And I will not teach him that it is okay to do that. You change. Like there's certain little details in the film. And like I said, I don't want to give anything away. But like the crayons that she takes for her. Like, fuck, you know.

And we can cut that up. No, you can say it. Please say the cranes. Because deep. We'll have no idea what you're talking about until you watch it, but the crayons, that was... I was like, oh my... I have...

You're getting fucking chills talking about it, but that, it's like those... And what most people won't know, too, is like, before I cut it from the movie, but the scene she gets the crayons. So you see the crayons. She makes it this important thing, right? But she got them from a free packet

at a diner. And what I was trying to show there is something that means nothing to you or I. means everything to a little girl who has nothing. Exactly. So those crowns are everything to her. And so they were everywhere. And I wanted them always in her hand.

And I wanted them to be everything because that is all she has. Right. And so again, there's a lot of men. There's a lot of people who were like, cut the crowns from the fucking movie. We don't need it. Like, we don't need it. Are you fucking kidding me? See?

And I knew every mother out there. Oh, my God. And I don't want to be like sexist. Like some men won't understand. understand it. But what I, what I will tell you right now is there's definitely several men that were like, in a moment when you're escaping

a shelter, you're going to worry about crayons. And I'm like, yeah. No, motherfucking yes. Because you know what? That fucking child comes before every fucking thing else. I will. Literally. Because every three one of us, I can tell you right now would scrape

the skin from our fucking bodies to give them what, like, in a second. So, I made sure twice before they got to that room. She said, my crayons, mommy, my crayons, mommy. So that when she sees them and her face sees them, you all know that feeling. Fuck. Yeah.

I have to do this. And that is that I have chills as I say it. It meant everything to me and her being able to give him to it. She can't give her a lot of things, but if it's in her power, she's going to. And, like, you know, there isn't even a moment where the actress, Willow was like, God damn, it feels like I'm carrying this little girl around too much. Doesn't it feel like I carry her a lot? And I was like, well, let me just tell you something.

Is she a mom? No. Let me just explain something to you. You've never had arm strength in your entire life until you've had a child. And all they want is you to carry them. If they feel lost, if they feel hurt, if they get a boo-boo, if they get tired, if they're anything, your mommy's arms. If they're awake, if they're breathing, they're in your arms, they want you.

They're, you know. But on top of that, you know, there was one. seen in particular. She's like, I just ran from the shelter with her in my arms. And that was something like in the book and in the script. She ran and the little girl was trailing behind by herself. Not no, no, no, no. You guys?

Yeah, exactly. I was like, no. No. Why? Because I hate her for doing that. She should be in her fucking arms. She should be making sure she's safe before she's ever safe. She should be distracting and letting her run ahead. If she's tired, You do not leave her behind. Back.

Doesn't matter. That little girl up. You do not leave her behind you. Look at us all getting fierce. We'll fucking kill someone, right? So I was like, no, right? So I rewrote, I worked very closely on this script because there was a lot of things that are really important to me.

And for me also, too, because I don't want to forget to say this and like bringing me back to it later is that no character should be unlikable. Every person is lovable to somebody, even if they're flawed, right? So it is a waste of a fucking character if I don't care about your character. It's just lazy. Because you can make an audience care about any person. Look at Larry in this film. I was going to say, like, fucking Larry.

I love Larry. Larry's one of my favorite characters. That's also because Ryan Hurst is an unbelievably talented actor. Oh, my God, that's who that is. Yeah. He is one of my favorite artists. And honestly, he slayed it. And he was my, so I turned him into a mental health character.

He was originally just a villain to be a villain, a bad guy. And I was like, no, he's struggling. And, like, we'll come back to that in his story and his back story and how I try and bring mental health into that. But what I wanted to finish with is she was like in that scene when she has the gun to, which I feel like I can say this because it's in the trailer. Is it in the trailer? All right. Where guns up to Garrett's head and the mom has the little girl and they go around the car. It's in the trailer.

So I feel like a hot day. I don't want to ruin. I have put all the action in the trailer. So, like, I think I'm okay. And she was like, I just carried her, though. And I was like, let me tell you something. All right. Here's your two options.

There's a man that you don't know when that driver's needed that car. And your child is here. You can go behind and he can reverse and kill you. Or you can go in front and he can drive forward and kill you. But if he's going to do that, you're going to make sure that your body is first and you can throw her or you can protect her. Secondly, make him look her in the eyes if he's going to do that and remind him what he's doing. You hold that fucking gun to him. Like, let him know you're going to kill him

if he hurts you. You're both dead here. But also, make him look her in the eyes as he makes that decision, you know, and she was like, oh, and I'm like, yes. Because as a mother, there's about 900 things that go through my head. When I see even a person walking down the street, I don't care

if you're a threat or not. I'm like, who are you? What is having? What's your hands? What are you doing? What's on you? You know, you're like, are you a danger? Do I have to like fuck you up? No. Okay, keep going. Right. You know, it's like, so let me explain something to you.

You don't have a kid yet. You would fucking carry that kid and you would not let them go beside you. Hell no. No. Because first step, straight up in my mind, I'm like, because if he goes forward, I'm going to throw you as far as I possibly can. So you're safe and I go. You know, whatever it is.

It's like. It doesn't matter. Your mentality is self-sacrifice. All every mother. It's like, yeah, yep. Yep. You know, we'd get the crabs. We would totally.

You're going to get the cram. Like we, you know, and that's what I wanted. And that's what this story was to me. When I, what enticed me and why I was willing to do so much work on the script is because the number one thing that really interested me is what if you had absolutely, you have this child and you have absolutely no means and no support and no one in your life to help you. But all you want to do is love them and protect them. I remember the feeling so well.

Like, it's going to make me emotional. I was 27 years old, and me and my husband were both servers and bartenders, and we live in a one-bedroom apartment, and we do not have money. And we have no idea what we're doing. And we were surprised pregnant. We found out two months before our wedding. We were two and a half months pregnant. And we had no idea what we were going to do. And it was just like, I'll sell everything I have.

And like, there goes my 68 Chavelle. It goes my range driver. There goes anything I had a value. There goes expensive shoes. Let me refinish them. Let me, like, I mean, we, I did whatever it took to have any kind of savings, right? So I could remember that feeling. And I'm like, imagine.

So there was this line in the movie, which to me is my through line. Not everybody has somebody. What if you had nobody? Like, what would you do? And life just keeps beating you down, right? And what if one act of kindness could change? your life. Okay. Well, that's what I want to tell people, you know. And on that, also, Russell, the self-loathing and the guilt, what if we aren't our biggest mistake or failure, but we're actually

our biggest act of kindness? What if that's what we could be remembered for rather than the mistake we made and he went to prison for and all of those different things, you know? So it's just like, for me it was it's always what can I say yeah what am I doing this for and who can I help or who can I inspire or who can I let feel seen because of this film yeah and if there is answers there then I move forward and then I go you know and it's like it's sometimes it's pain book it's like fuck I'd like to pay my bills but at the same time if I don't feel it within every inch of my being. I just, I can't do it. You know, I think that it's like, I have to find a story that does, you know? Yeah. One of the things I pride myself, like, I believe that God had me survive that

suicide attempt, um, because I want to use every last breath I have on this planet saying something, right? And actually doing something with this second chance I have. Yeah. So what am I saying or what am I doing, you know? I'm... I just, I mean, the thought of like, like when you said, like, we've talked about that so much about your attempted suicide. But hearing you say it right now in a different context in this way and thinking, like, you fucker.

But just like, what if that had wanted to? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think about it all the time. I mean, I'm a mom now and a wife and a friend and all of these things like I would have never been, right? That's the whole message of continue is, God, you have no, I like, I'm just now I'm like,

I'm speaking to you if you are feeling pain and you're out there because now my friends made me cry and I'm going to be real. Your life matters. I know it feels dark and I know it feels like no one cares, but people do. And I'm sitting in a room with two people whose life would have been different had I never been in it. And like, you know, and we don't know that. We don't know how many lives our lives will touch. You know, you don't know where your life is going. And the only way you will know. You gave it one more day. My skin is crawling off my body.

Yeah, I know. I've had a lot of those moments, you know, lately. Like, you know, my mentor is Robbie Brenner. And she's like someone I manifested into my life. And she's like a bright beacon, you know? And she just said, sometimes I sit and think about a world where you're not here right now. And I can't even believe that was almost like an existence. And I, like, started crying.

I was like, I can't either. I can't either, you know? Yeah. So thank God. Thank God for unanswered prayers, huh? Oh, my God. You know, and you sit here and it's like, oh, I feel so heavy. But, like, it's actually kind of, like, beautiful, too, to sit here and talk about it and be able to reflect on it.

And it makes, I think it makes everyone think, like, maybe if they haven't been. in that exact situation, but like choices or paths or things, you know, in your life that have transpired and kind of like looking back and like reflecting on it all and just being like, oh, like I wouldn't be here or this wouldn't have happened or fucking manifesting shit, which is just happening left and right like with all of us, which is just so insane. And you're just looking at life and you're like, I always think about like if there was a movie and I know that I'm sure they've done it. but like if you would have went this way or that way.

Or, I mean, there's like sliding doors. Sliding doors was like one of the inspirations for my film. And that's kind of how my film and the different twists and turns I take is. But yeah, it's like multiverse theory of like there's so many different ways it could have been. And that's why when people ask me like I don't really give my answer about continues ending and I won't say too much more about the ending. Don't just keep your mouth shut. I know. But what I'll say is like it all exists.

Well, that's a thing, too. I was just reading the book by Joe Despenza, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. And he talks a lot about, you know, the science of how our, what is it? My brain is shot now because of the crying. Like the observer theory, right? That energy or matter or whatever changes based on the observer. And it's made up of 99.9% nothing. But our observation of it is what makes it actual particles.

But without the observation, it's nothing. And so if we were to put all of our energy and attention into things having gone a different way versus you taking your attention, your focused attention, and shifting your experience, you've created, it's like basically creating an alternate universe. And that the only difference is the energy of the shift that you gave that. Like it could have in a split second gone a different way. But for whatever reason, and what do you attribute that to? Is it a miracle? Do you have a spiritual connection? Was it a voice that came in? Like, and I've wondered this for myself too, like being sober. I've wondered, like, how did I get so lucky?

Because there's so many people that can't get it, you know? And I've wondered, like, what was it? Was it divine inspiration? What was it for you that saved your life? So I'm going to be super real with you. And I don't think I've ever actually answered this to, like, anyone, like, in the sense of, but I absolutely believe I was chosen. I believe that all of these collaborations, being able to write a script in four days,

being able to do all, they're all collaboration with God. So I believe that I am chosen to do that, right? Because there's no way, when I look, that quote I love by Steve Jobs, you can't connect the dots looking forward, only looking back, right? So I look at every single thing that has ever happened to me, even the pain. And it always led me to where I was going into the beauty, right? I would not. You can break it down.

You know, it's hard because I don't tell some of the stuff of my past, but something really bad had to happen to me in order to have money for continue to come about. I didn't want that money, so I put it all into healing and helping people, right? And when you go into that, having suicidal depression, well, if I didn't have suicidal depression, I wouldn't have had something so important to talk about and I wouldn't have made continue. And then I would have never realized that I was actually meant to be a director. And then I would have never, blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, blank.

blank, right? So all of these different things and where it led me, getting dropped by all of my reps while I was on maternity leave. Fucking two week old baby in my arm as I got the email letting me know that my reps of a long time are all dropping me. And mind you, had I not cried hysterically and felt like my entire life was over and, you know, I just got my baby to sleep and I'm muffling my sobs as I'm wailing because my entire team just dropped. me, right? And I get him down and I'm crying on my kitchen floor and I'm saying to my husband and we talk about this night all the time, I just have so much inside of me and I'm scared. I'm never going to get to show it. Like I'm scared. No one will ever know who I really am. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and that made me go and make continue and do it the way I did and stop waiting for people's fucking permission and stop waiting for the opportunity and to make the opportunity

and to not fucking stop and the da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. So when I look at it, every single thing has purposed, even pain. Yes. My worst pain has influenced my biggest moments of gratitude and beauty. So now I can understand it in a completely different way. There's also a story that I feel like I'm going to tell now because I've never actually said this to anyone,

and I don't think you even know this story. But when I was at my worst, I had just attempted suicide. And I was with an ex and we were fighting and it was drunk and in Yosemite and with friends and off fighting and da-da-da-da. So we had just made up from the fight. We were out in the middle of the field.

No one else around. And he was laying down and I was laying on his chest and like on him like this and we were staring at the stars. And, you know, he was just. just telling me like he was scared I wasn't going to make it and you know I had to basically get it together you know he was worried that the depression and you know the suicidal attempts and stuff were going to happen and so I screamed out and I was like god aliens whoever the fuck is up

there if my life has any purpose any purpose give me a sign right now I'll never say this again, but give me a sign and I'll never attempt to take my life again. I will never question it this one time. Like a ball of light came and was gone within the same exact moment. And mind you, this is the ex who was so hardcore atheist who the reason I finally took, tried to take my own life is he had convinced me that God wasn't real and how science is and how like anyone who believes in like God and all of these things is idiot basically and showed me all these documentaries and just all of this stuff. So you take my spirituality away.

When I'm out my lowest low, you are basically saying, bye, like what's the fucking point of being? If this is really it and this is, why am I here then? Like, bye. And the entire sky,

like it was like a ball of light and it was there just as quickly as it went. And I, we both jumped up and I accused him of doing it with a flashlight. And he was like, how the fuck would I have done that with a flashlight? and he couldn't explain it either. And it was the most surreal, crazy moment. And I've tried again, of course.

You were sure? Because, like, the one time wasn't enough. I'd love second proof, you know? And you were all like, see that, motherfucker? Yeah, like something, it's real. And it was crazy. And then, like, this is just a weird synchronicity, but we love synchronicity.

All of us love them. And then we're driving home and our GPS isn't working trying to get home from Yosemite and he pulls over because I have to go to the bathroom and I get out of the car and I look up,

like just stand out of the car and I look over and it's a huge sign that says Nadine's farm. I mean huge cursive Nadine's farm and it was like a massive wooden vintage cool sign. And I just said,

and nobody has a name Nadine. I've never met another name in my whole life other than my great aunt Nadine who I was named after. I have never met another Nadine. That's so like, what?

Yeah. You know? That shit. I know. So as much as I tried to be like, no, that was like, you know, I still think back about that. And I'm like,

yeah, those little maybe you really are supposed to be here. Maybe even, you know, like maybe there really is something and you know and and each time I tell a story or I take a step into this life I'm now living I understand yeah that I am here for a reason right and that I am here to tell stories and I am here to help others you know and like one of the things I pride myself on is all of my films have a charity aspect you know one of the things that was important to all of us on continue is that

um a percentage part of the percentage goes to a charity for for suicide prevention and mental health, I now have the Continue on Organization, which has officially been formed, which is a nonprofit to coincide with the film. And, you know, my next script, Dear Son, which is, you know, I wrote specifically for a person in mind

who is currently reading it. Yeah, she is. So, and that's a dream. I mean, a dream, a dream, a dream. And we don't know what will happen with it, but just that I manifested. I was like, if ever there was a person, I want to play me, that's her and she's reading it.

Like, I'm like, I'm waiting. I'm reading. Yes. Exactly. So, but that, I'm donating a portion of the proceeds to Alzheimer's, Mental Health and Suicide Prevention, love me to oblivion, a portion will go to domestic abuse survivors. And, you know, so everything I do, I want to change the world

in whatever way we can, you know? You change my world on a daily basis. And the biggest thing I can say about you is strength, the heart, you have the most generous spirit, but also you have impeccable integrity. And that to me is what I respect the most in this life. You do not waver. Even you do it in such a loving way, too. You're like, no, I'm not going to waver on this. And here's why. And then you share from your heart. And it's like, oh, you're affecting other people with your truth. That's what you're doing. a truth teller. And like, the simple fact of the matter is we're all better off having you on our

side. It's true. Thanks for saying that. You're welcome. It's like she has a mission to make me cry as many times as possible as I both of you every time you guys start compliment me. I mean, I think compliments are hard for most women period because it's like, you know, and that's something like I wish we could all see each other how our closest friends see each other. You know, like my biggest gift would be for you guys to see you how I see you. You know, I think you are the brightest shining stars and the most giving and loving. And, you know, that's why I love your guys' podcasts as well, too. And just like listening to so many of the episodes.

I mean, I mentioned this to you too. And I was like, wait, I shouldn't talk about this ahead of that podcast. But one of the things that was so fascinating and it's so like lifegiving as a woman is all the episodes I constantly listen to. I realized like, I'm really not special. Like in the sense of eating disorders. Like battles, body dysmorphia. Like the inner voice and critic, the trauma even. Like, it's just like, fuck, man.

We all experience it. We all battle it. It's such a great number of us who do. And like the question is, why? You know? And like, maybe if we could get to the bottom of that through podcasts like this and like through listening and all of that like you know it's just nice just like it made me ask really interesting questions as I like listen to the episodes you guys

create you know and one of the things that I love also is like I'm sure people are here to promote but that's not what you're doing no we don't care you're fucking talking like life exactly it's like how can we talk about stuff that matters and like what forms us as humans yeah yeah and that's so important I think too that like what we do here in these conversations is is really important is that it's no longer about women competing we are stronger together we are like the way rachel and i and you support each other it's like i and i don't mean this in a like oh i'd be nothing without it way i mean it and i would be nothing without it yeah like the way you guys see me and the way i see you and like

champion championing championing still doesn't sound right but it is right championing champion like a champion we are champion

champion but I think it's something like that but we talk about all the time we are each other's champion yeah yeah how do I say that without being like we are each other's

we champion each other champion they're like okay we're going to edit out the five minutes of chair. You're going to explain that on. What they're going to do. Yeah. What we always say is like through this life, you know, you have, there's certain

girlfriends, friends, any friends that are your lifeline, your support system, your soulmates. Like, and I always say like, oh, you're brought up to be like, oh, like, this man's going to come and he's going to save me and he's going to be my soulmate and da-da-da. And I'm not saying that doesn't happen because it absolutely does and can. but the women in my life in particular that I'm surrounded by are my support system. Yeah. Are my soul mates, soul sisters, lifelines. They have saved me so many times in so many ways.

And I think just like giving that the credit it's due that like when you have those amazing women or people that are your friends in your life that fully just are your champion. Yeah. I don't know that people. understand how like, you know, I hadn't had a lot of female friends in my life. And as I've gotten into my 30s is when I feel like all of these relationships have really started to blossom. And like, I do. I feel like there's a turn. Like, women just always used to be so against each other. I was heavily bullied. Like, and just, I hadn't had many friends, you know, friends, period, but especially

that were women. And then once you have it, you're like, I mean, yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah, sure, the whole soulmate thing and love and, like, all of that's great. But if it didn't work out, I would just, like, live with you too. And, like, never date again and, like, be totally happy. Totally happy. Like, once you have, like, marriage, you're like, yeah, I don't want to marry you again. It doesn't work out. Commune with your girlfriend.

Like, I mean, and raising the children. 100%. And that'd be totally okay to do that. You know, you don't know how life-giving it is until you have that, you know, until you have a person that you want to send all of the memes about. Do you think that it's changed due to age? Like, I'm not sure for me. Like, I think when I was younger, I used to get jealous or envious or be like,

why not me or any of those thoughts? And as I've gotten older, I truly feel like with every success one of my friends has, it's a piece of meat. I'm like, we're doing it, you know? And it doesn't take away, but it adds. It's like there's little. freckles of each other in each other. No, freckles.

Those are my freckles on your face. You know, but I'm not sure for me if it was maturity or if it was getting out of alcoholism or... It might be the cycle of like addiction and like scarcity. Because right, with addiction and all of that comes like, there isn't enough for any of us. Like, I need what's mine because if you take what's mine, like, I'll have nothing. And then then you find out like that's all bullshit essentially.

And like the more, you share and give, the more you receive and just like, yeah, I think it's probably maturity and getting out of darkness too. Sure. Because I'll say, like, you know, everything you're describing comes from deep insecurity. Yeah. And I know in those times of addiction and all of that, I was deeply insecure and I never felt like enough, right?

So that all comes with like wounds also healing and like finding a security within yourself to realize that you shining bright doesn't make me sure. shine less. Right. We just all shine together, right? Right. So I do think it's a maturity thing. But I also think it's different when you find your people.

That's true. Like, you know, like there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for either of you. Right. Like, you know, you were like, I want to tell this story. And I'm like, fuck yes. Okay. Okay, weekly session. We're going to have a session every week and we're going to write this and I'm going to

and we're going to do it. Like, I don't give a fuck what it is. If you want it, I want it for you. And I'm going to fucking put my powers to make it happen, you know? And it's like, Mama Bear up for each other. We all mama bear up for each other. We've all done it for each other in this room. And, like, you know, I read you an email and you're crying.

And like, I'm crying. And like, we're both crying. Because it's just like through my dreams coming true, yours are coming true. And through your dreams coming true, mine are coming. It's like, because what we're not realizing, too is like we're perfect examples to each other that dreams come true right yeah each thing that happens for us each time we get what we're manifesting we're literally seeing in real time it's fucking possible right all we have to do is believe all we have to do is believe together you know right right

and there's a power in that and and it also doesn't feel like it probably should feel unattainable at times But like, Olivia and I have accepted my Oscar, like, numerous times. Yeah. I have given this speech and we have both cried hysterically as I held the weight of what the Oscar felt like in my hand and we saw it for each other. And she's like, you fucking did it. And I mean, we're both like crying. Oh, my God.

And then I'm like, not only does it feel more attainable and real than it's ever felt for me, but like, like, I know she felt that. And like, I feel that for her. I feel it right now. You're like, you're sitting in the audience watching you on that stage.

Exactly. But like, don't you also feel like it's possible? Anything is possible. Like, you have an idea, like, the three women in this room are going to make sure that Rachel's fucking movie is made and it's powerful and it's exactly what she always wanted it to be.

that is what I want to do on this planet. My birthday, like my astrological birthday chart, like this woman who's very close to me, and it was all about like partnerships and business and creating things you haven't done before and like all of it. Yes. Yep.

Like what's funny right now, like every single day. Every single day. Speaking it into existence and believing it. And one day you're going to lose faith. One day I'm going to have faith. One day you're going to have faith. I'm going to lose it.

Like knowing it's okay. to drop it for a minute and have someone there. It was like the, what you might call it in the trenches. Remember the video of, and the, David Goggins. Basically, like, your closest people to you, like, basically your life is a foxhole. And, like, which is, like, you're going into battle with. And you need to be very sacred with who you allow in your boxhole. And, like, I've been very adamant about that.

And something that became really real for me was boundaries with getting. healthy and I have sick motherfucking boundaries now. I'm like, I'm getting them and I'm developing them and I'm really starting to enforce them. And I say no, no, which is really hard for me. I'm a person who wants to say yes to everything, even if it hurts me. Like, this person really hurt my feelings. Now they're asking for this. I haven't talked to them in five years.

So it is weird that they're asking me now. And like, you know, and it's just like there's these things. And I'm like, no. Like, it doesn't feel right for me. And I'm going to just like, I'm okay with that. Like, I have that boundary. Yeah. You know, and it's like.

But you also need people in your foxhole that have boundaries themselves. So, and that was the whole important part is that like your foxhole is only as safe as the people in your foxhole's boundaries and strength is for themselves, right? So like, let's say we put five friends in the foxhole. Who's in your foxhole? You guys? my husband, Robbie, my son. Is it okay to be like, that's it? And I'm like, that's so fucked up

because I know that there's going to be people listening to this and are like, I'm going to run in your motherfucker, but I can love you and you still should be. Because here's the thing. It's like that's kind of as, too, is like there's just certain people with energy. Like if you are not motivated for change,

if you cannot do that, I am very sacred because you are your closest five friends. You are what you eat. you are the sum of the five total you hang out with. And I constantly tell my husband that. And he's like, yeah, but all of our front. And I was like, not all of them. We can love them all.

And they can all be in our life. But who I let my foxhole is very different. I want to help everybody. I want to be a good friend to everybody. But who I let my foxhole is very different because I am a giver. And like, I want to make sure that that. never-ending give is also with someone who isn't just a taker, you know, or like, and I don't know if that's okay to say, but I think it is.

Of course it's okay. I know. Like, look at me. The balance is like, it's not okay to say that I want people to give and like, but it's not that. It's more like, we need people who give and receive, you know, like who, who both who are, like, so many times, like, I am standing firm and abundance and manifesting and all of this. And then I'm like, hey, Lydia, I'm fucking stressed.

The strike is stressing me to fuck out. My pay attack that was supposed to cut. And she's like, hey, let's talk about it. Like, I don't need someone who's like, I know, life is so hard. So I today had that. And I'm like, oh, now we're both in it. Now we're both in it. I do not want to commiserate.

I want us to, like, motivate each other. Motivate. Well, that's like what he said. He was like, he said, I think I sent you this video too. He talked about, I might have shared it on the podcast, but basically he was like, in your Foxville, you want people that are going to support you. You say you want to go to law school and then you say you want to drop out. He's like, I'm going to show up at your house.

I'm going to take you to the library and I'm going to make you go to school because that's something that you wanted to do. He's like, I'm going to study in the library. I'm going to wait outside to take you home. I'm going to wake up. He said, because there's people that will support you in going to law school and there's people that will support you in quitting law school. Because there's also people.

And he's like, I don't want them in my. boxhole, I want the ones that are going to support me when I can't see straight. That's hard sometimes. And it's almost not even their fault because sometimes you are, without even knowing it, like, that was the other thing he talked about. It's like they're also a little intimidated of like, where will you go in their life once you're a lawyer? You know, like, what will it look like then? Well, I mean, it's been pretty great how it is, so maybe you don't have to go to law school. Like, Maybe you can stay here and never move away. Maybe you cannot go to L.A. Nadine.

Maybe you can stay in Fresno. You know, and it's like, it's not even their fault, but like, I don't need that in my fox. Yeah. Yeah. Because we all have that. It's like, you know, doesn't make them wrong, but it just I want the people in my foxhole or like, oh, you feel like there's only been twice in my life. I mean, and it's twice in my life where I really was like, I'm done.

I'm done. And my husband was like, okay. You know, for the day, that's okay. I was packing my bag. I was packing my bag to move away because I was done pursuing directing and acting. And it was like, I was done. And he was like, okay, well, can we talk about it? Okay.

Well, pack your bag. And then we'll talk. Well, maybe let's leave tomorrow. I mean, like, and then slowly, like, once I had calmed down, he's like, so, you know, and then he starts, like, doing the foxhole shit, you know, being like, we're not a foxhole shit. Yeah, doing the foxhole shit. being like, yeah, sure.

Okay, well, like, I support that and I would love you either way. But, you know, you may continue and like, remember when you said that it was me? And remember when you're like, no, I don't remember it. Sometimes it's like, oh. Yeah, completely. Right. But that's what you want. I mean, that's what you need.

Yeah. Yeah, but it's hard because I think sometimes people want to make you happy. And it's hard for them to change. and they don't necessarily want to do the things it takes to create what you're trying to create. So they'll be like, oh, yeah, it might be easier if you start. Yeah. Yeah. You know, let's quit.

And let's go. Have you tried sewing? Like, what would be an easy fix for you instead of being like, you know, let's get in there and actually face it. Like you got this. Let's figure this out. Like, this is going to happen for you. You're going to have time so it's hard.

But I'm here to remind you that you want this. Yeah, every single thing that's like that I've ever done in my life that I'm extremely proud of, everyone told me not to do. Wow. Like literally everyone told me not to do. So, you know, who's in your foxhole is really important? Super important. You know, don't jump at high school moved to L.A. at 16. Like, that's not a great move.

Probably. I'm not right at a bad point there. But at the same time, look, if you know that's your calling and, like, I'm willing. to work three jobs from 16 until however long, you know, and like that's what people always used to ask me, when is your expiration date? Like, when do you finally pack up and, like, get a real job, you know, or figure something else out?

And when people ask me that, it was like, there is no end date. I'll be a waitress for the rest of my life pursuing this dream that I love because that's what makes me happy. And, you know, when people say, like, What is your advice for the next generation? If it isn't, if that isn't your answer, don't do it. Like, find something that you feel that way about. But if you can't do anything, but.

That thing, whatever it is. Whatever it is, you have to do it. And you can't listen to anyone else because it's that or death. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a big sigh after like everything because it's just like, I'm really thinking about my foxhole right now but I went inside and it's just so important

and the people are like it's so desolate I'm like I'm so alone listen girl we could just be free in a foxhole and I'm we are good listen we're motherfucking fighter the standards you should hold is like people that you're letting in your life like would you let them in there

yeah or you can have them on the peripheral too yeah they could be standing guard They can be like around, but they're not around. Or there could be a foxhole that you like protect behind your foxhole, like, where you're like, hey, I got your back to. Maybe you'll move like, you chillax in that line. You're foxhole. And I'm going to like defend you and keep you safe, but you're not in my motherfucking foxhole. You are the guardian of your mind, right?

And so you have to be really mindful of who you let into your mind. And so you can have friends and they may be negative or they may be this or that. But the people you come to with certain things, you want to make sure they're congruent. gruent with the safety of your mind and that is something like you know we speak in in manifestation empire positive like we're really motivating to each other if we were to be oh i don't know if anything's going to we do that sometimes not with no those are separate issues though oh of course we do it no everyone has moments yeah yeah yeah of course we do it yeah yeah of 100%. But then the one thing I've noticed about every good relationship, whether it's romantic or

friendship, it usually isn't happening at the same time. Have you ever noticed that? What do you mean? When she's feeling strong, you're feeling weak and vice versa. It's like almost like the universe has your back in the sense of like when I'm having a moment of weakness, you'll be strong. And when you're feeling weak, I am there. Yes. 100%. It's usually always always. It's always balanced. Yeah. Well, and what's like, that kind of brings the mind, like, too, like, reps or people or like, right?

So, like, as you're talking, it's like, you know, just for me personally, like looking at two people like you, it's like you shouldn't have anyone that's around you and around your dreams that isn't talking exactly like you guys are because you guys can take over the world. I believe that you two together can do profound things. And if the people in your foxhole aren't saying that, get the fuck out about the foxhole then.

And I am mama bear. I will fucking gnaw them and take them out of your foxhole, you know? So it's like, and honestly, it's like, this has become something so big to me. And remember, I told you, what the fuck when you sent me that video? Because I had just typed, I was listening to David Garvin's book again. And I had just typed this whole thing up. I could literally show it in my notes and my phone. And it's like, for me, I have a daily, not maybe not daily, but like, you know, again, I hate to sound like I'm bragging, like,

gagging on my family because I'm not, but my family has this like certain mindset in the way of talking. And when I go around it, I notice that instantly I'm complaining about the coffee. I'm complaining about the food. I'm really feeling like this or that or, you know, and honestly, like I went back during the pandemic for a little bit of time. And when coming back, I was like, wow, who and how you operate and how you let people talk around you and what it leads. And it takes a long time to get. get back to ground zero or whatever you want to call it. Yeah.

To undo that once you've been around it. So it made me like very firm, you know, like there is. And I don't want it to sound just like family. I use that as an example because like, you know, safe space. But like friends, anything. Anything. You just I'll be like, you know, I have you talked to it? I'm like, no, I just, I'm being really sacred about my space right now.

Right. And boundaries. Yeah, boundaries. Yeah. because like, I can't have that right now. There's people in my life, if I spend time around, like, it tweaks my nervous system so gnarly that, like, to get back and regulate, it takes a lot of time. I am not well. Yeah.

You know, and but the fact that you're aware of it and you can recognize it and you kind of know what's going on definitely helps. But you also are like, why are you around these people? Yeah. Well, it's also harder with family too because it's so subconscious that you're not. natural default is going to be to just fall into that. Or you feel wrong. You feel wrong for like being optimistic. They're like, oh, she's so annoying.

Or that, no, but what I was going to say is you feel wrong for like cutting them out or distancing too. Like there's this ingrained guilt, you know? Right. Like. Which is like, shouldn't be a thing, man. It's hard. It's so hard.

See we're like, oh, God. She's like. I mean, I mean, I cannot. Just this weekend, I was like stressing out because I was leaving to Maine. Yeah. And I'm like, she's like, how are you doing? I'm like, I'm honestly having a hard time. I've never left my kids for that long with my husband. And so I was like, I'm stressing out about it. And she's like, yeah, I really don't understand why you guys are going halfway across the country. Right. So she feeds into the stress. She's like, oh, yeah. And did you think of this? And I'm just like, oh. My mom, every time I talked around the phone, there's something I like need to do. And my, like, life and I have to like face and do. And every time we're on the phone, she's like, well, you know, you have to do to.

I know. Mom, I'm literally just talking about like picking up Briar from school. You don't need to say this every time I'm on the phone with you. You know? Exactly it. It's just they know how to get in there. Yeah. They're like, oh, are you packing stress in your bag?

I've got more. Yeah. Because if it was one of us saying that to each other, we'd be like, go, have fun. The kids are going to be great. Like, you deserve this. But my mom's like, I know. Yeah. And it is because my family.

can also make everything stressful that doesn't need stress. Right. Like this weekend, 70th birthday, right? We've hired someone to decorate. We hired someone to come and do a taco truck. We hired, I mean, it's all,

I'm like, I'm actually not coming up Saturday. I'm going to come up Friday. Well, good, because there are so much. And I'm like, I'm coming. I should come up Saturday. I don't know. I should give up Saturday. I'm already having a panic attack.

What the fuck are we stressing about? Right. We have, we already hired. And then mind you, the day it comes. and it's all stress. And you're like, what the fuck? Is there no way to avoid this? Like, we hire people and yet we're still bringing, like,

did you remember to get the stress? Well, we need more of that, you know? It's just like it's making any non-stressful situation. Stress stressful. Look at your foot tapping. I know. You're much tapping on right now. I'm like, but next twitching, we're like, I'm stressed just talking about the stress.

We don't use the word, stress anymore. We use the word bamboozled. Bambozled. We can say this is a really bamboozling situation. You know what? That made me feel really bamboozled. And then you smile. Yeah.

And your body calms down as opposed to, I'm stressed. Every time we do that, we're like, I'm stressed, I'm stressed. No, that was bamboozling. It was a bit. Your party at your parents was a very bamboozling experience. It was. It was bamboozling, which also for me, like going back to family stuff is always bamboozling.

Like, you know, I've always been the black. sheep so then just kind of like returning to the scene and you're like and I'm like oh but at the same time we're going to stress about the decoration right yeah yeah anyway bamboozling but got through it look at that hey right isn't that amazing all the things that you get through what however small or big they are you can look back and be like I survived that however bamboozling they however bamboozling they may be well also it's just like it's a little glimpse like a little taste size bite of growth. Yep.

Right. Right. Like every time you talk, like, when you talk about anxiety or like different things, when you talk, like I can just identify with it so deeply

on such a deep level because I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I feel that. I know that. Like, my fighter flight is sick. Like, you know, trauma has nurtured it well. And I feel like, honestly,

that's what makes me such a good director. I'm like, I've been through worse. I have a great fighter flight. But like each time that we get through those little situations without feeling a massive amount of anxiety, without it sticking for an extra day. Yeah, or not reacting.

Yeah. Right. Exactly. Without having to tell them, like, that used to be my thing. I just needed to tell them every time what they were doing wrong and why, how it makes me feel. And you're like, it doesn't make a fucking difference. It's not going to change.

Just shut up and like listen and get through it and then leave. Right. It's like, it doesn't have, you know, you've honestly helped me with a lot of that. And acceptance. Acceptance is the key to most things in our life. A thousand percent. And it is the hardest thing to attain. Oh, acceptance, surrender.

Yep. Surrender. Well, especially for control freaks. I don't know if y'all have that. But like, I'm a bit of a control freak. So like, surrender, letting go. Oh, yeah. Acceptance.

Yeah. Except also understanding that people aren't what you want them to be. They are what they are. Right. And we can't change people. Nope. Can we accept them and love them at their level at what they are? Not a high, what is it?

High involvement, low attachment. Like, poof. You've helped me like see that in a totally different way. Also the expectations I put on people. Expectations. That's another huge one. You can't put expectations. It's really hard.

It's so hard. It's really hard though. It's so hard. But I expect you to be a father. I expect you to be a mother and to do this and to do that. And it's like, but that's your expectations. Yeah. It's not them.

And it's like, and you're setting yourself up for disappointment or for this or for that. Like, can you just enjoy the moments and accept them for everything they are in that moment? Yeah. Yeah. And then I think the next. I'm like, I don't know. Okay, I know. Then the next step is to then turn and give yourself what you're craving from them.

Well, you've, yeah, that inner child work also, like, I mean, is next level, too. It's like I realized a lot of my problems where I was waiting to be seen by people who will never see me. That's right. I have people who see me who make me cry when they compliment my work because they see me in it. They see my heart, my empathy, my this, my that. So I can see me. I have friends who see me. I don't need the dickhead who doesn't see me to see me.

He just won't see me. Right. And it's just not everyone is going to be your people. Right. Like that's a hard thing to accept, especially I think like you guys just said a thousand times on your podcast, I think it's ingrained in women to be liked. We want to have friends and we want to be this and, you know. But the truth is like.

you know, I, I'm not for everyone. I'm like, I crave deep vulnerability. Like, and if you aren't that, I'm like, it's okay. I'm just going to be quiet and I'm just going to keep it moving and like I'm going to wait until I get into conversation with these two. And I'm going to like, yak, because that's just like, I'll talk for days. You know, it's probably five hours past how long you were supposed to have me on the show. And it's like, I'll stay here all damn day talking to you guys, you know. Of course.

That's not going to be for everybody. But it's where our people. I know. I don't get it. I'm like, how. Yeah. But think of that, right? Yeah.

We all have gone through trauma and, like, are, have dealt with it and are really aware and emotionally intelligent and all of these different things. Not everyone has the tools in the toolbox to be as open and be as those things, you know? So I've started to realize, like, that the people who don't like me, because I am how I am. Maybe it's because they don't have those same tools and or, you know, they're just not wired the same. And that's okay. That doesn't make them wrong. It just makes them not my people, you know? And that took a long time to... That's a hard one. Yeah. Yeah. Because like, as a filmmaker, there's going to be people who don't like my movies. And that like makes me sad. Yeah, it makes me sad too. And I want to kill them. Yeah, I'm like, there's no way.

I know. Because for me, my art is a part of my soul. Your heart. But even talking about it. All the choices you make, you are, you're telling everything from the heart. And that's what makes the fucking difference. And that's what makes you a phenomenal filmmaker. You know, it's like the little choices and the thought behind it and everything, but it's all here. Yeah. And that's where it comes from. And certain people don't want to go there.

Right. People are avoiders. They avoid all of that. They don't want to feel. They don't want to be vulnerable. There's also actors who don't want to fuck with that either. Who I'm like, what do you mean? Like hard to get them to go there?

Yeah. Like actual actors? Who? Like who? I know. I'll never tell you. But I've worked in multiple people who are basically like, there is one person in particular.

I'll never tell the name of this person. But they were talking in the makeup and hair chair of my fucking film who like, my people are my people, bro. Yeah. Right. My makeup and hair chair. I was going to tell me? Like, hair and makeup people are our people.

Like, you know what are the fucking coolest? And they were telling. them like, God, I wish the directors would just like stay the fuck out of your way. Like, I'm an actor. I know what I'm doing. I don't need you to direct me. Like, I wish they would just like, leave you alone and stay out of your fucking way and realize some people don't need to be directed.

You're like, oh, you're really insecure. Yeah. Okay. Well, we could do it that way. Also, the only actor who on that movie in particular wouldn't work with the acting coach, like who I had on set, who was there. you know, just in case, like... People get so in their ego and...

And the arts coach was, by the way, only there for me. But then everyone else started to be like, you know, like... Hey, it's so free for a minute. And I'd be like, yo, I'm in the scene with them, but go tell them that if they didn't... And like, you know, so I'm giving backstory. I'm like, yo, go tell them. Because if it's different coming from me

when I'm in the scene across from you and I'm telling you something about me, but from a third party, it's like, you know, go tell them that her deepest and a bit of... And so, like, it became this fun game. And everyone wanted a part of... of working with my acting coach for a period of time, who was really only there for me to shove me

because I couldn't shove myself in scenes, you know? Of course. When I was, because I'm in every scene of continue and stuff. And it's just so funny because it's also the person whose performance was the weakest. The worst to cut. It was the hardest to include and, like, you know, all of those things. And that's not, that's not the only person I've experienced

that had that attitude. Like, you know, there's a trust that has to be earned And there's a lot of people who don't, yeah, and there's a lot of people who don't want that. And you have to just, and like what I pride myself, like, what I constantly just try and remind myself is like, all I can be is me. You either accept that and want to be a part of it or you don't. And that has more to do with you than me. Right. And, okay, let me figure out then how I can be there for you in your way, right?

And like how I can still support you. It's hard. but they almost always come around to my way. Unless you're an asshole and that's okay. Everyone has different processes. Yeah, yeah. And also, this is something I go back to too, is like, stallions, like, when you're working with fucking stallions,

like, sometimes you just have to give them some whispers and then like no one to stay the fuck out of their way because they're like, ready to rug. You know, like, I don't know how else to say it other than like, yeah, you know, it's our job as an intuitive person And as a director to know, like, I'm going to stay on your way because something cool is happening here. Right.

Or like, oh, that must be so fun. It's so fun. It makes me like, I'm like, I can't wait to direct both of you. Like, I can't make that. You know, it's like, it's addicting, like to create with collaborators. Yeah. Like, that's what I always say, too. It's like, I crave collaborators.

Yeah, me too. People like, stay humble. I'm like, like, I am nothing. I am nothing without a production designer to help me. build the sets that I see in my head without a cinematographer to actually capture the vision that's in my head without actors to actually bring these creators, I mean, these characters to life and this story to fruition through my lens and through all of that. Like without them, what am I doing? Who am I directing? What am I, you know what I mean? You are only as strong as your

collaborators, your sound design who then puts the audience in the fucking seat, your score, who then makes the emotional feeling. My music is my love. language. So it's like, without every person you make a movie with, what is a director? You know, we need collaborators. And collaboration is the funnest fucking part. You know? I know. I know. This is why I'm like, I can't wait for us to play. That's why I'm just writing films for us all to make films together. You know, like, it's fun. I mean, yeah, I'm like, what can we just take? Let's just go. I know, I know. I know. You find your people. You try. And you find your people. You find your.

people and that branches out like they always say the right actor finds the right role like you you know when you get a no it feels disappointing and you're like oh but it could have been could have been the right person always comes along and that's how i feel about every person from desperation road and every person who's in my life period you know it's just like i i i know that they're divinely put there you know but yeah even down to like mel and what an incredible human being he is you know and and and what a journey he's had, you know, and 16 years sober. And like the thing is like, you know, is he really 16 years sober? Yeah, I actually thought it was more than that, but basically since hit, like,

I don't remember that whole thing. Yeah, he's been sober since. And what a lot of people don't know about Mel, right? So he's saved more lives than I can count. I mean, he is one of, like, Robert Downey Jr. talks about how. Mel Gibson saved his life. Wow. So many people within the program.

Like my husband was in rehab for heroin and drugs and OD'd and almost died my husband. And Mel was at his rehab speaking. So was Robert Downey Jr. So we're all of these people. So again, these huge stars who have no reason to be there other than to help people. So again, it goes back to redemption. Like we are either our greatest mistakes or our greatest acts of kindness. And I want to believe that we can be our greatest acts of kindness because while we all make mistakes, like my entire 20s.

Yeah, same cease. Or even down to like, right? So imagine if no one from my family ever trusted or loved or like accepted because I made that choice of suicide or tried to attempt or like never accepted me back in to trust like or or forget. give, you know, the few times I failed at Soriety before I got it, the eight years now, you know? So it's like, I look at everybody and I know that we're all brought together for a specific reason, you know, and just being able to talk to Mel and like, you know, to like fist bump. And then like, I'm showing my movie at Lionsgate and I'm talking to all the execs there. And then I say to them, because they are like, oh, yeah, I've seen continue.

and I was like crazy what sobriety can do for you. And then like I saw these two execs, the main two execs there, like light up and they're like 13 years, you know, we're just like fist pumping. And it's just like, you know, it's again, things like cancel culture, things like that terrify me. Because like you can change who you completely are. Like you can save lives.

Like you can make a mistake and be reborn like and like use your life for a purpose. like people are not to be thrown away. That's right. We could have agree more. Sorry, it's probably like a random tangent, but it's just like, I don't know. Every thing you say is important. Every single thing you say is important.

Yeah, it really is. I do. I feel like we're all led together, to quote desperation. Led by what hand, I don't know, but here we are and I and let it go. You know, scary fly, but it's true. I mean, something does connect us all

and you don't necessarily understand it, but all I have started to do is like accept it and be excited by it. Like, it's not changing perspective. I used to be like, why me, why me? And now I'm like, okay. We'll see why. You know, like, right?

I'm sure eventually I'll understand this. Or not. Or not. But I definitely learned something from it. Yeah, exactly. And where can everyone see Desperation Road? Oh, yeah. So October 6th, it'll be out in theater.

on demand, pay-per-view, everywhere, all at the same time. But we got a lot of screens. So it should be at theaters. Yeah. Oh, my God. Rachel is going to the theater. Oh, my God. I don't go to the movies.

Yes. You're going to the movies. Can we go together? Yes. You guys want to come with me for the first time, like, ever seeing my movie on a theater? Absolutely. A thousand percent. It's a date.

I actually get, like, crazy anxiety about it. I'm like, so. I'm going to have that time ever. I know. I need my. Foxhole peeps with me. We're going to go October 6. We need to go watch it for the first time.

October is the best month. It's the best month. It's going to be pure magic and we're going to go together and we're going to... When's your birthday? October 28. Briars the 29. Huh. Oh, I love that.

I'm like, what's my name? Scorpio. Yeah. I know. Of course. Yeah. Oh, my God. I know.

So soon. All the magic. What a conversation. What a conversation. What a conversation. We're so excited for the movie. Everyone needs. to see it and continue when that comes out.

Oh, yeah, continue will be, well, hopefully later, I'm waiting. We'll have you back because we're going to be. Yeah, we'll talk about that more. Yeah. Yeah, we need, that needs to have its own thing. It needs to have a own thing. It needs to have a own thing. We've really joined together to like change lives, save lives, and it will have its own thing.

Yeah. And as soon as we know, I mean, the other thing is, is if it doesn't, if the strike doesn't end pretty soon here, I could also get an interim agreement too because it's, it doesn't get more indie than continue. Yeah. It does not get married to. I mean, we literally, like, made it on a wish and a dream. So, but yeah, so later this year. Later this year. But we're going to have a whole new introduction on that.

Yep. And, you know. Desperation Road, October 6th. Yes. We love you. I love you. Thank you. Let's talk about Desperation Road. Rob hasn't watched it yet. Are you going to come with us to see it on October 6th? When it comes out in theaters?

I wasn't invited, so... I just invited you. You weren't here. All right. Sure. When is it? October 6th. Let me see.

We're going to go to the movies. I'm actually going to go to a movie theater. She is. She doesn't do that. Which is a miracle. I don't have any plans on the 6th. Awesome. Put it in the calendar.

We have a trip. Yeah, but we can put it in our calendar. Okay. I mean, like that's going to do anything. I meant we can make it home at night. Oh, I was like, I'll put it in our calendar. I don't go to the movies. Yeah, no, I'm aware.

I'm not like a moviegoer. What do you get when you go to the movies? Like snack white. Yeah. Okay, this is important. Very. Go ahead, Rob. You're next.

I just get popcorn and water. What? What? Yeah. That's it. Always popcorn. What butter on your popcorn? Yeah, butter on the popcorn.

Okay. And water. Well, I don't, I don't eat candy. really. What? Weird. And I don't drink soda. He only used those mint chocolate thingies from Chicago.

What? Those mint things, remember that you never gave us? Oh, I don't get those regularly either. I know, but I'm just saying it's a candy. A mint melt toys from Fannie Mae. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't get that every time into the movies.

It also depends if I'm at like Alamo Draft House. I'm sorry? What? Are you in Texas? No, Alamo Draft House is a movie theater that is in Los Angeles. It's in L.A.? And what about it? It's probably some cool, like, indie, rad.

They also serve you food at the, it's one of those. Yeah, so like. It's like a really nice. I'll get a pretzel from there occasionally. Like a soft pretzel? Do you get mustard or cheese? It comes with both. What do you prefer dipping it in?

I do pretty evenly. Okay. Where is this place? Why do I not know it? It's downtown L.A. Oh, I don't like going downtown. There's parking right there, though. There is parking garage.

Okay. Validated. It's like six bucks. More appealing. Elevator goes right to the door of the theater. Okay. What does Natalie get? She's, well, again, it depends on the theater.

Let's just go classic movie theater. Okay, you're popcorn and water. She doesn't do soda either. She'll maybe do a chocolate, a junior mince. Junior mince are good. I don't love them. Interesting. What do you get at a movie theater?

Popcorn. Yeah. I don't think I've ever gone to the movie. and not gotten popcorn. I have a text chain with people about popcorn. What is it? What is it? It's just like a popcorn club. What do you mean?

We send photos when we get popcorn because we all like popcorn that much. Well, you're from Chicago, and they have the famous caramel popcorn cheddar popcorn mix. Both of the people aren't... I have one from yesterday. The Chicago mix. Of popcorn.

That's so random. Can I tell you... Okay, I have a few things about popcorn. But you didn't say what you order. Sorry, go to your order. It's not important. I get popcorn, a Diet Coke. That's like my party drink.

I know I shouldn't drink it. And peanut M&Ms and... Do you put the M&Ms in the popcorn? Oh, I am majorly... Go ahead. Sorry, I'm not. It's my turn yet. And then I either get Swedish fish.

Oh. Red vines or... Sour Patch Kids. Oh. What's your favorite color Sourapach Kid? guess. Well, red's the best, but it's not yours. No. It's either the yellow or the orange. Yeah. It's the orange. Yeah, who would like the yellow? I love the yellow. That's my second. Starbursts, she goes yellow and orange. And Elliot, too. He's your son. He's my sandwich.

And then Jeff gets milk duds. Those are so hard on your teeth. Yeah, but I always have to have at least one. Uh-huh. I just one. Okay, what do you get? If I go. which is never. I need popcorn, but I need something sweet to put in the popcorn. My first choice is raisinets. Yeah. Okay? Yeah.

In the popcorn. It's a really good combo. People love that. I have a big issue with popcorn in general. What? Because I have my wisdom teeth. I get food stuck very easily in my teeth. Popcorn is my biggest enemy.

Oh, no. It's not fun being you. No, it gets stuck there. And sometimes I'll think, like, I have an infected tooth or like, you know, and I go to the dentist and they're like, you just had popcorn stuck in your comes. Have you tried flossing? Yeah. So do you stay away from it?

I try to avoid popcorn. That's why you don't like going to the movies. Let me tell you one thing I love. Tabasco on popcorn. With lemon. I have not done that, but do you want to know where I learned it? I think I've said this before. Poetic justice, Janet Jackson puts Tabasco on her popcorn.

I've had it and I like it. It's so good. I like jalapinos in the popcorn. My sister does that. Do you bring Tabasco to the theater? I would bring a little Tabaski if I had it. If you went to the theaters. If I went to the theaters.

I love those little tabinos in it. That sounds really good. It's so good. It reminds me of like junior high nachos. The best in the world. There was nothing better with like the shitty cheese sauce with the fucking halapinos. I will say this. One of the biggest fights I got in with one of my best friends.

I know this story. We got in a fight. Like, it was bad. We weren't talking. It was brutal. And then I had a baby. And the way she made it better is that I got a delivery of melted cheese, jalapinos, and the chips to make junior high nachos.

Who did that? Deanna. Oh. Yeah. And I was like, oh. She's right back in my heart forever. She had slept with Jeff. But that was all that.

No. She even sent the. little the tray things that they come in. That is so thoughtful. Yeah. See, those are the things like the ways to someone's heart. She did it. Yeah.

Yeah. That's it right there. That's all it did for me is something like that. To someone with no context. Like that doesn't even care for a notch or like whatever, but like just like, just like. Plastic baseball helmet with it. Yeah. Oh my God.

The best. See, I like going to baseball games for snacks. Like I. Okay, when I get crazy, I order a Coke because for me, that's a party. Yeah, it's a party drink. Yeah. I don't drink alcohol. So I'm like, I'll have a Coke.

I'll probably get a Coke. Or now let me tell you, only at AMC Burbank, they had a white cherry icy. Oh, that shit was so good. Only, I was saying that's the only theater that has a white cherry icing. No, but I just knew they had it. So I would always get so excited. I used to do icies at the theater. Yeah. My family still does them.

Shepard calls him Blue Juice. Oh. I know. He says I want popcorn in blue juice. Popcorn and Blue Juice. Pryor's never been to a movie theater. Have we talked about this? What? Yeah, I think that's so weird. It's so weird. It's not on purpose.

Well, can I take her to a movie? Yeah, we're going to take. But now she has a thing where she wants to go with friends, like a friend. So it's a thing now. And you've said no. No, I said, of course. What movie? I don't know. It has to be one that comes up. She also doesn't love watching movies if she doesn't know what's going to happen.

She has like, you know, it doesn't want to get scared. She doesn't want to you. You know what I've realized, though, is most kids' movies are scary. Why is that? I don't know. Why do you think they do that? What? Can you give some examples?

Every single kid's movie. I mean, like, there's some element of like fear in it. Yeah. Think of a kid's movie. So just to prepare them? I mean. For like life. there's always an element that's like it's not going to work out and then it works out or the

freaking dad dies or the mom dies or the parents are lost at sea or there's always some sort of like cryptic scary dark message in it yeah what's interesting is like I feel like briar isn't as affected like when like a parent dies or like you know but when it's like really like I remember it was like in conto and like the girl like breaks the house she couldn't deal Why? Because the girl did this and caused this. The emotion. She felt bad.

She had to turn off the movie. I was here for that. You were here for that. Yeah, you guys had to go in the other room. It was like a thing. And then we had to come back to it because she had a really hard time with that. And I said, well, let's finish it because I think, you know, it's important to see what happened. Which I thought was great.

I was glad you guys didn't just dip out and not come back. I was glad you were like, let's follow through because I wanted her to see that it was going to be okay. Okay. Okay. Do we talk about movies every post? And food. And food. Yeah.

We're big on that. Did you guys watch Good Boy yet? No. No. Can't say that I did. All right. Well. I'll tell you what I did watch on the plane was,

are you there goddess me, Margaret? That was really good. Is it new? With Rachel McAdams? Yeah. with Rachel McAdams. It's new? It's not new.

It's in the last like year though. Yeah. I don't even know. It's great. I thought it was super cute and charming. I've been watching this German show. Oh my God. Oh, here we go.

It's called Dear Child. It's on Netflix. Is it crazy? It starts. So they're in this like bunker. This woman and two kids. And the dad like comes in and like they all. to hold their hands out and show each side

to make sure that they don't have something. And then the mom breaks out because they're like trapped in this room clearly. From the dad. From the dad. We don't know who the dad is. But he clearly had like kidnapped this woman. I think she had the babies there.

Oh man. This just sounds. Then they escape what you really don't know much. I finished it last night actually to it. His choices are so strange. It was good. It was solid. There was enough like twists and stuff along the way where like the kids weren't hers.

Right. She wasn't actually Lena, which was what they were calling her. She had gotten like hit by a car. That's when she escaped. Like someone called the ambulance and that's how they were out. And a little girl was with her. But the boy was still back. at the home.

Dude, I went down a hole on TikTok the other night and I couldn't sleep because I had to watch every single one of these videos of this girl. From the show? No, but it sounds like that. It's like this girl who she escaped her house and she was like 18 years old or 17 years old. This is real.

Diane Sawyer was like covering it. She escaped her house and she sounded really young. She sounded like almost like a four-year-old or like an eight-year-old. And she was like, I escaped. Like, you need to send help because my brothers and sisters are chained up. And they show live footage of going into this house. And were kids chained up?

Chained. What? Because they would chain them up if they took food. They said that they were stealing food. There was 15 of them. This family had 15 children. 15 biological children that they had. Biological children.

They kept them in their. their house, chained them up. They were malnourished, uneducated. It was complete hoarders. They only, like, let them eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while they ate, like, fast food and frozen food. And these kids were literally chained to beds. This was right here in Riverside, California. What? Yes. How did I not hear anything about this? I think I've heard of this. You have? It's so insane, though, when you watch it because these girls are being interviewed and it's them now

like having escaped that. How long ago was this? Not that long ago. Yeah, there's like 30. She's like 30 now I think and her sister. What is like people? Like what?

It's so tragic. I mean, I'm serious. Like I don't. I don't know. But I'm like, why keep having kids? Why have 15 kids? Well, I think there's probably

some sort of psychological. Oh, you think? The parents. Yeah, maybe a little mental illness. Questioning why with them. Yeah, I think they're in jail now. I hope so. I hope so, too.

But it's just literally gutted me. Like, these kids were all emaciated, and I can't. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up. Did you watch anything fucked up this week, Rachel? I'm trying to think. Did I? Fucked up.

Dark? Anything? Bueller? I'm like, have I watched anything? I don't watch anything. It's just whatever Breyer has on is what I kind of see. And then that's the end of me. You should see, start watching Dear Child tonight.

Oh, thank you. She's not going to see. I watched a little of the ultimatum. I watched all of Ted Lasso and shrinking finally. Oh. That's good times. It's really good times. Did you watch them both?

Wholesome. They made you feel so good. You would love them. I just, the only. way I can watch something is if I go on a plane. Well, that's unrealistic. And that's not true. Well, I mean, for me,

it's just kind of how my world works a little bit. Yeah, but doesn't Breyer watch something before bed? Yeah. So why can't you put your earphones and watch something before bed too? Because I'm doing all the things. I know. I don't do that either. I don't do that. I don't do that either. Yeah, what are you talking about?

I don't know. Just cool. After she goes to bed, but certainly not. She's in my bed, man In an iPad Yeah, I could So what do you do? Do you go to sleep?

Usually. You sit on your phone for like two, three hours. I do look at my phone. I don't know about two, three hours, but I've gotten late in the text. For like, what, an hour? Like an hour probably. You know.

Scroll on the phone. Texting. Text. Yeah. Whatever. Respond to emails that I didn't get to. You do not. Yes, I do.

I do. I'm just kidding. It's the only time I'll just be there Or if I have to like order something Or read something You'll read something You'll read something You're an online shop from bed

That's mostly what she's doing Not usually She nights online shopping But I don't do that at bed at night Oh you don't? You do that like in the day She waits till we're podcasting And that's when she likes to do it

Because I get bored I do it like if I wake up really early In the middle of night At 4 a.m. Sometimes I'll be like huh It's weird Yeah Just I need new shoes

Yeah, and then I'll return them because it was a very stupid, like an impulsive irresponsible. Do you follow through with returns? Yes. That's my one thing I've gotten good at. Am I late sometimes and have to call and be like, hey? Please take it. Oh, really? Yeah, but I try to follow through.

I try to follow through with things. It's hard for me to get everything done, but I try. Returns are really hard for me. I end up just keeping it all. I do that sometimes. But sometimes that comes in handy. Like I needed a dress for a wedding. Speaking of which I have a pair of shoes for Elliot.

Oh, you do? Yeah. What did you wind up wearing with wedding? Pink or green? Pink. Yeah, good. Look at that. Yes.

Yep. You look phenomenal. That's pink. It's very bright from over here. It's very bright. I wanted to get a tattoo when I was in Salem and I was trying to get everyone else to do it with me, but then we didn't have enough time. A group one? Yeah.

I thought it would. I'd commemorate the trip. Yeah. I thought it would be really cute to get a little. little witch's broom in Salem? No. Why? Because you'd have a witch's broom on your arm. Oh, I love witch's brooms. You don't like witches brooms? I like witches brooms. I don't know that I would tattoo it on my body. Is there anything you would tattooing your body? I'm always trying to get tattoos and no one will let me get them.

Who was on board? I was trying to get an ice cream cone this summer in Pittsburgh because I love ice cream of a tattoo? Tattoo of an ice cream cone? Yeah. So cute. Just like a little sketch of an ice cream cone. Okay. But what happened?

Jeff was like, no. I wanted him to do it with me. Who was on board for the witch's broom? Johnny. Yeah, I could see Johnny being on board. And Leah was like, I love that. And then no one else. No one else.

It sounds like you didn't try that hard. You had like floated the idea of brief. and then no one was on board. Well, we only had 25 minutes left, so it just wasn't going to work. But I would have 100% gone into the tattoo shop and gotten it. You had 25 minutes left of it being open? It's interesting to me. Why is that interesting?

You don't understand. Like, I'm impulsive. I will like. I get that. Do you have any? Two. Two. Little ones.

And you don't have any. You'll never do it. I mean, I never say never to things, but it's not something. You need to have some sort of like that or a wager or where the- I could be impulsive. If we were somewhere, when everyone was doing something, I would probably do it. This cracker barrel trip. Yes.

Cracker barrel tattoo. Oh my God. See? Let's do it. No. You're going to put it somewhere that isn't visible all the time. Yeah. Put on your fucking foot.

No. your side no I don't know I'm gonna stop naming parts of your do you not like tattoos no I like tattoos on other people

yeah do you like them on girls yeah I do I think they're cool I like finger tattoo like I like tattoos I love all Nadine's tattoos I love all Nadine's tattoos

I know I was looking and I was like I'm gonna fucking like tattoo my fingers I can fucking look so cool She's got him like on her neck and fingers and like I would do like behind the ear right here or something or like back here maybe like something like that. It's hard for you because you act still. Yeah, you have to get listen, I do factor in like people who do have and they have to come in earlier because I have to cover that tattoos. I'm always like clocking and calculating. Yeah.

You have no face tattoos for you. Yeah. No, but I'm just like, oh, you got extra time. That's true. I think about that. Yeah. It's something to think about. I mean, I'm an overthinker.

I'm an overthinker. And I'm an overshare. And you're indecisive. And I'm indecisive. So all of these things, maybe not a good recipe for tattoos. What do you mean you're an overshare? I'm really an oversharer. How do you figure?

Like, I will say anything to anyone about myself personally. I don't really think that's true. What's an example of you oversharing? What I've done in the past, like you start dating someone, and I overshare so much about. Like other relationships or exes or what I've done or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

That I have learned, you know, within the last, whatever, decade or so. Like, you get older. Yeah. What? In the last two weeks. The last relationship. The last 10 minutes. That, like, I think it's important not to bring in all your past shit into something new.

I agree. Well, it's not a great look to bash a previous. I'm not even saying bashing partners, but that is true. And that is, I believe, a red flag when you're dating someone and off the bat, they're bashing an ex. You're like, that's interesting. Like in time and you guys get close and they start to share things, of course. But like, when they come out the gate and they're bashing an ex, I don't think that's a good look. I agree.

Do you want to know about their ex relationships? So when I was younger, I was like obsessed with like knowing everything and feeding off that and whatever. Was it a turn on? is what it sounds like. I don't know if it was a turn on, but I was like obsessed with having to know. And as I've gotten older, I'm like,

maybe I don't need that information. Oh, I don't want to. Yeah, you're an over thinker too. So maybe that information's not helpful. Right. Because then my mind will go to places.

There's, does not need to be at all. And they're not even true. Because your mind will fuck with you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm actually not interested. Like straight up not interested.

I feel like in the beginning of Jeff, though, you need to know everything. No. I didn't. I wouldn't want to know a thing. But in the past, you would say you would have wanted to know. In the past? Before Jeff. No. I don't like to know. I think that it's like a protection mechanism. That like it would bother me if I was dating someone and they'd be like, oh, so and so used to, I'd be like, I don't want to know. I don't care. I don't want to know what kind of lip gloss she used to use. That's a random fact.

But that's what like things like I don't want to know. Yeah. What about you? I used to not want to know, but I don't really care too much now. Well, yeah. Yeah. Married a long time. It's different.

Well, what do you do if they start telling you and you don't want to know, what would you do? Listen or say like I'm not really. It depends on what the information is, I guess, but I guess I'd be like. I would, I would shush. I would just say, that's enough. I would just be like, I don't want to hear that.

I don't need to see that. I don't need to see that. But it shows growth and maturity, I think, to be like, I don't need this information. And I don't want to share this information. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, it's not important anymore. It has nothing to do. But I've been, like, thinking about it a lot lately, just, like, reflecting and being like, it's interesting. Yeah.

To not. carry over, bring things in, I think it's important. Do you feel like it's been healthier for you in those relationships when you're not hanging on those things? Yeah, for sure. You can be present. And it's just about like the two people and you're not bringing in this other random person into the mix because essentially that's what you're doing. Yeah. And I think it's a red flag. I've noticed that with people that come in hot with like how they talk about their ex. And I'm just like, mm-mm. Yeah. That is not. Right. That's not classy.

It's not cute. And it's, I don't trust that you wouldn't do that to my friend or, you know. So I'll keep you guys posted in my future endeavors. Have you ever been called someone else's name? No. Have you? Yep. Sure have.

Walk us through that. It's happened twice. It's happened twice. It's happened three times. It's happened three times. Oh my God. Three different people, three different names. Was it someone, they just got your name wrong or?

No, they were calling me someone else's name. Yeah. An ex. During sex. Not in a sexual way. One time it was a little sexual. Can you explain how it was a little sexual? I remember.

Okay, so the first time it happened, the person was drunk. and they were like talking about something and they called me their ex's name. And I remember being really upset and like not really having the confidence to like share that that really hurt me and upset me and so I like kind of brushed it off. And I was like, I'm going to pretend that didn't happen

because he was drunk and I'm just going to keep going. The second time it happened, the person was drunk. Different person. Yep. same level of drunkness. And they called me someone's name. And I don't know if it was an X of theirs

or just like a completely different name. The reason I say it was slightly sexual is because I think we were like making out and he called me a different name. And then I was like, does he know? Someone you've known for a while? Very long time. What?

And then the third was Jeff. I know this one. What? You called you as mom's name? No. he called me his ex name. We were fighting and he got mad and called me his ex's name, which... How long into the relationship?

Three months. Three months. Into the relationship. Three months. Do you think it takes about three months to, like, have your first fight? Like, what do you think the time? You know what I mean? The timeline is, like, to show all true colors and whatever.

We started fighting really early on. We did. Yeah. But I think it was like, yeah. we fought early on, like had kind of a lot of tension early on. I remember we hadn't said I love you yet. And so when he got mad at me, like that was our first fight and it was before I love you. And he was like irritated or upset and he called me his ex's name.

And I think through that he then ended up being like, I love you. You know? I used to do it all the time though. Because when something would bother me, I love you. No, but like my ex-boyfriend I was with for so long. Like so long. So whenever something bothered me, even if a dog was bothering me, I'd be like, stop it, Ollie. Like, just because I was so used to saying that and programmed.

So I did it on accident quite a few times. If someone would like tickle me or fuss with me, I'd be like, stop it, Ollie. You know, and then I'd be like, oh, you're not. I don't think I use it. these people's names enough to do that. What do you mean? I'm not like calling Natalie by her first name often enough. Is it babe?

No. What is it? You? We're just talking to one another. I don't need to. How do you call her when you call her? How do you call her from the other room? I guess I'll say her name in that case, but I'll.

Do you ever say like babe or any nicknamey? Nothing? Nat. No. Nat, maybe. You say babe. All the time, babe. Yeah.

Or sandwich. Right. Babe. Babe. Babe City sandwich. I know. But Babe. Yeah.

Yeah. Interesting. I don't think I've never called anyone the wrong name. No, unless I do like my pop-pop thing where they go through every name they know until they get to yours. You. John, Rick, Mary, Jan, Carol. Until they land on your name. Yeah.

I do that sometimes. But that's not to a partner. Maybe it could be. And no one's ever called you the wrong name. Mm-mm. You know why? Why? Because you historically haven't dated a bunch of drunk dudes.

That's probably accurate. Yeah, that's the common denominator in most abuse of race. I think because I think when you were dating so much and when people should be dating so much, like, let's say in their 20s, I was in a relationship with all my 20s. Yeah, that's why. Yeah. They knew who you were. I hope so. She's like, that's because they knew who I was.

No one's ever forgotten. Yeah. No, but it's true, you know, you date around. Of course, it's bound to happen, I guess. I mean, these were all people I was dating. I wasn't like, they knew who I was. They weren't like random. I just mean, like, you're drinking and you're socializing and you're dating and multiple people.

Like lots of people. You know, I hear what you're saying. What I'm saying is that. But you dated when you should have, like, you know. Sure. Dated a bunch of people. A lot of people. A lot.

It wasn't a lot. It was a lot. It was a lot of people. My number's lower than all of our friends. I have the lowest number. What is it? Lower than yours. Well, hold on.

Just saying. So maybe I dated around, but my number. That's not fair because... What's your number, Rob? You guys aren't saying. I'm not saying that. He doesn't know it. Do you know?

know it? I can figure it out. Is it is a high number a turn on or a turn off for you both? And like a partner like that you're dating like and they say oh I've lost track at 100. Like like would that deter you or is it attractive? I wouldn't say it's attractive to me. He's like get that number up baby. experience you no I don't know

is it unattractive or attractive at this day and age you'd be like I'm a little weird what's low like if a dude it's like

I don't know this is going to sound so like judgmental but if a dude like in his 40s and he's like I've slept with like four women but it all depends like maybe he's just maybe he's been in like decade relationships totally respectable yeah but if he's single on his 40s and it's only four and he's never been in the long term thinks that's an issue no I don't know it's not fair for me to say either way I don't know a person no person I'm not saying what's right or wrong I'm saying

what do you find attractive right because it sounds like you want more than four you hope that number I mean I guess the other question is do you think it's different for women well there's a definite like fucking double standard for sure and do you buy into the double standard

like what do you mean explain are you you're fine with the guy's number being super high but would you judge a woman if hers was if Olivia said hers is 85

and a guy you meet at the bar that you're attracted to says his is 125. Do you feel the same way about those two? Yeah. Oh, I would. Okay. Sitting here. Sitting here lying. Sitting here on the camera.

Lying to you find people. I remember once I was dating a guy and I was like, well, how many women have you been with? And he was like, well, if I really think of it, I lost count in high school. Like when I ended high school, it was at 100. That's a lot for high school. That's fucking insane. And you know what's wrong with me? You liked it.

I did. Yeah. I did. That's what I mean. I liked it. I'm not going to. I'm being completely honest. Like, there was something about that that I'm like, hmm.

Right. Where the number breaks through at some point and then you become impressed? It's not that. It's just like, I remember when I first heard Jeff's number, I was like, interesting. And like, I was more comforted by the height of it. Mm-hmm. I don't know. I don't know why that is.

I didn't expect it. I didn't expect it to be as high as it was. Yeah, I know. And I liked it. Yeah. I get that. Do you? Yeah.

It just shows some kind of confidence thing or something. It's something. I don't know what it is. Swagger. And then would you have that same? feeling if your girlfriend had a high number? Well, I'm not attracted to women, so it wouldn't, like, do anything for me. But would you be like, good for her?

Would you be like, hmm? I think now my opinion of it has shifted. I think if I'm being completely honest, in the past, I probably would have been like, what's up with her? Like, why is she sleeping around so much? But I do think that that's shifted for me, and I feel, like the younger generation, a lot of younger women in my life

has helped me shift that. Now I'd be like, great. Yeah. Yeah. I feel the same exact as you. That's why when you said, how do I feel? I was like, I'd feel the same. And I think it's how people hold it. Like, are they doing it?

Like, are they doing it because they like to do that? It's their choice and they want to do it. You're like, yeah, go for it. Or is a destructive love addiction? Right. Like, where is it coming from? And I think that is. I still would be like, well, it's their prerogative.

Sure, we're not shaming it, but there could be something. There could be underlying issues. And I think that that's what's most important. But I do think it's unfair that if a guy's number is high, we don't look at that and be like, are there underlying issues? We're just like, yeah, he's got game, you know? Or it's just assumed there are underlying issues. Oh, I didn't realize that. Yeah, he probably is trying to do something.

Right. By sleeping his way through everything. Of course. Yeah, but what I'm saying is I didn't, when I was young, I didn't compute it that way. I didn't think like, oh, he must have issues. I thought like he's got game. And you think that's more cultural evolution has changed versus you just being older and wiser about it. Oh, no, I think cultural evolution has changed 100%.

And I do think I've learned so much from like young women in my life teaching me those things. Because I used to view it different. I used to think like women should be hard. to get and you know I don't think that anymore I think that women should be just as empowered yeah be the sexual beings that they are and however they want to conduct their life is groovy but I do think that men look at women differently than women look at men I still think that that's there yeah you know I still think there's stigma there of someone being used or you know because they don't realize that women actually like it.

Do you think it's weird like dating in your 40s to like even ask someone's number? It does seem a little bit juvenile to. Oh, but I'd be so curious. I just would want to round about. Yeah, I feel like you're doing it. Just give me a roundabout. You're doing because you're just curious and want to know these things. Yeah, like I don't know that I would ask anymore.

Have you asked people? In the past, of course. Oh, you have? Yeah. Okay. In the past, yeah, for sure. I don't know where I'm sitting today that I would date someone and ask their number. But would you be curious?

Or would you think you could like, you could look at them and eyeball it? Or you're at a point now where it's not relevant. It's not relevant. But I'm sure if I wound up like really like dating someone, at some point I'd be like, do you have any idea? How many? So maybe, you know, but it's not like younger. It's like one of the first few dates.

Like, how many people have you slept? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're young. Is that like an STD-driven question? Not where it was coming from. No. That's always a question, though. Like when you're, at least when I was younger of like, have you ever had anything?

Yeah. That's part of like screening process. Yeah, screening process. Well, I was just wondering if that not being a question anymore is driven by STDs being less prominent or were more of a thing back then. I think when you're younger, you're just more scared or something? STD. I don't know. Well, STDs were scarier when we were younger.

I mean, are you kidding? Like, they've come up with cures. Like, people can live with things they couldn't live with when we were young. Yes. So totally. Yeah, it's a different ball game for sure. But unfortunately, it doesn't have anything to do with your amount of partners. No.

Because you can sleep with one person and get something or you can sleep with 100 and none. Exactly. Okay. Here's a question. Okay. Did you bring laundry on your weekend away with your husband to Maine? And did you wear it? Because we talked about this.

You guys won't talk about anything. And then you want to talk about me and my lawn. Laundre. Did you bring? I'll talk to you later. Well, I just thought you might be willing to talk about it. No. How do you feel about it?

Nope, you won't talk about it either. What? I don't know. Like, I'm always curious, like, if guys appreciate that. I appreciate it. Okay. Laundre? I feel like the majority do in my experience, wouldn't you say?

I mean, I think that who's not going to, like, appreciate it? you know what I mean But I think it's more And it's more important to some people I think it's more important to other people Yeah I mean to some people than others It's the most important thing to me

But is it something that you would go pick out And like buy for Natalie Or do you like it if it's a surprise Like she surprises you That part doesn't really matter to me Okay If it's a surprise or not or not or Right

But is something you would do something I would do because she doesn't Right But she's down But she just won't go get it But it's not like she can go buy something And right Do it

So it's like all right Here's a easy gift idea Got it For me For Valentine's Day Yeah Yeah Right

Like if Jeff bought you lingerie for Valentine's Day That'd be sweet He's done that before Yeah Yeah Because it's like a gift for them Yeah I think that's a sweet gift

I think it's a gift for me because I like it. I do too. You know? Yeah. But I think there's certain people that would be like, oh, no. I would think that that was really sweet. And it's like a way to connect to it. Yeah.

And it's like, here's what I like. It's nice. Yeah. It's a nicety. It's a nicety. Okay. Should we wrap it up? That's what she said.

That's stupid. Oh, my God. Okay. Love you guys. See ya. Bye. That was a headgum podcast.