Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Next We Have Gareth Reynolds

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

Rachel and Olivia sit down with podcaster and comedian Gareth Reynolds to talk about life on the road, how his childhood shaped the way he connects with others and his hilarious new podcast Next We Have (which you can check out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube!)This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Broad Ideas via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgum podcast. Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, here's stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room,

and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max, and listen to The Hax podcast, on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. Sometimes because beep. I think we whispered on the last one. We did. I know, as I said it, I was like, I just did this.

I like it. It gets Olivia to talk. I like it. I like Gareth Reynolds. I do too. Love. Yeah, he's great. I'm not even going to say like.

I'm just going to go for it. Me too. I heart, G.R. It's so sweet and very funny. Didn't you get that tattooed on you? Lower back. Yes. My cousin convinced me that my grandma had a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back.

What? I'm dead. Is it true? No. But for years, I like your cousin. I like your cousin. That's like my brother. Question quickly.

Shepard told me he wants me to get a tattoo and he wants me to get a happy face tattoo. And now I feel like I have to get a happy face tattoo. Okay. If he says it for like the next year, then get it. but he said it once Gareth has a new podcast I'm working on called Next We Have You can check it out

It's available now on all the pods And next we have Gareth Reynolds Wow See how I did that Fuck, wow I should be a podcast Okay

I am recording on all my The wires I think it's a portable What does he got there? It's a bomb His little timer Oh my God Do you miss it?

Do you not have a timer? I don't think I have a timer We do segments so we don't really need the timer. What does that mean? Because they're a little segment. Gareth's show is like... Yeah, let's get this out of the way now. Yeah, let's just...

What's it called again? We just heard. Next we have. Next we have. Each episode has like four 15-minute segments. And so when we record, we record like 10 segments at a time. And so normally for shows, I use the timer for like an hour-long recording. But because we do so many like 10-minute segments.

I don't really use the timer for us. Tell us about these 10 minutes. Yeah. Do one. Do, Kevin, do a segment for us. Do a segment. We wrote one star business reviews. No, we read them.

Oh, no, we wrote a. We wrote and read. We read, we read one star sex toy reviews. What? We wrote. One star. Uh-huh. People that had bad.

That means bad. People that had bad experiences with sex toys. Interesting. And then we wrote one-star business reviews with Lisa Gilroy and callers. So if someone had a bad experience at a hotel, they called- We wrote a scathing Yelp. Yeah, like an over-the-top. But it ended up not even really being scathing as much as just bizarre. But still, that'll get them.

That'll show them. Wait, what do you think of a person who writes reviews on their sex toys? What do I think of them? Yeah. I mean, probably good to put it out there for other people. because I definitely like if I were buying some of the things I would have been like yeah I would have been like oh I'm not going to do this what kind of review are you looking for I should point out I was not fully

shopping on the show for sex toys you wanted to say being nicely yeah oh that thing nicely fucked me yeah nicely fucked four stars I didn't give it five because the delivery was two days off but other than that awesome like shockingly it came late Oh, oh. Hey.

We like those here. For a guy that works, for a girl, they want to hear it, they came on time. Or early. Or it never showed up, and I said it did. Yeah. Just to make everyone feel good about it. What do you look for when you're... When I'm shopping for sex toys?

Yeah. Very large. The used section. The used... I like that. I like to know it's been driven around a little. Would you ever? No.

No. I feel like you don't seem sure about that. Well, I'm only not sure, and that I'm trying to think of what I, like, because I haven't, I've never, I really have never bought one for personal use. You've bought it for someone else. Yeah. So I'm trying to think if I would ever, like, because I'm pretty like, I'll take a shirt that someone else wore no problem. But I think if someone else has finished in a device, that to me is a, there's a red line there. Yeah, so like for guys, if you're buying a sex toy, you're looking.

for like a sex doll or... Yeah, it's pretty much Orifice based. Right? I was... I mean, I don't know. Yeah, I think it's pretty strong. It's just like, it's very simple.

It's just sort of like, your cock goes in this and then you're good. Right. Whether it be a ring or a doll or a hole. Yeah. It goes in. Yeah, it's just an in. There's an in.

But you'll take a person. I would buy a person? Every person at this point you've taken has been probably recycled maybe? Well, I should point out, my religion actually doesn't permit that. No, they're all freshies. No, like I said, like I said,

I've been bragging that I have two vans, but they have previous owners, but I love driving them. Right. Yeah, they're great. So freshies only pertain to women. I've got to be careful. Kevin, you're my lawyer, my legal counsel.

Are I doing okay? Do you feel unsafe? I feel unsafe. Yep. I feel like you feel nicely fucked. I feel nicely fucked, but I'm about to get nicely fucked on the show. This would be a clip, but people will be like, ooh. Should we take a break and go in the van?

Yeah. Can we do a sponsor? What's happening in the van? You don't even want to know. How many ways can we try to get you canceled? It's vancilled. And keep going. Keep trying.

I would love you. Keep trying. By the end of this, I'll be like, I was nicely fucked. I got to call my agent. I got nicely fucked. It's bad. It's over. Everything's over.

It's over. But I have two vans. I got two vans to show for it. I feel like two vans is a real flex. It's a mighty flex. Call me J.D. Vans. Oh, my lanta. Oh, my God.

Yep. Keep it coming. Back to the review. Okay. I had to bring it all for a little circle. Yeah. Have you ever written a review? I think only on the next we have show have I written a review.

I don't think I think even I think even when I've gotten close to doing it it's been like set up your profile. I'm like, oh, fuck this. Right. Then you have to the extra step. They need to do the extra step. And then you're, then you're, you know, you're fully. So that's, that dissuades me. But I know there are people that will only do things by reading reviews.

Like, Yelp, there are really hardcore Yelpers. Yep. And Rediders. Yep. And Rediders. And I don't even think to do that They're like, well, did you read reviews? No, I agree.

I never do. Ever. Because I'm like the people that write reviews usually aren't my kind of people. So I'm probably not going to agree with them. Who are the people? Kevin, do you write reviews? I don't. I like watching YouTube reviews, though.

What are watching like someone be like, and I didn't love that about the coffee maker. They do a little homework report on the headphones or something. But is it is like that's a different type of person too. Is that person's looking to make money? Yeah, that person's like an expert in whatever. Do you ever review their reviews? Because that could be a nice niche for you.

I could see you doing that on Twitch. You should. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go for it. My next project. Your next podcast. That would be a good one. Yeah.

Like this review really didn't sit right with me and here's why. Yeah. That could be a segment on the show. How many reviews do you think this episode is going to get just on a portion of reviews? I don't know. Well, look, I think, I mean, again, if we're thinking negative a lot, it's always, the negatives are always the highest where the people get mad. I mean, it's like comments. It's like the commenters a lot of times are these like fucking assholes who are just like taking out some deranged high school anger in your direction.

At least that's what I tell myself when they say I'm fat Aaron Paul or they're like, boy, he looks red. As some people did off mic. Rachel wrote that this morning on your page. Oh my God, he looks red. Why has he got so much sun? Boy, this kid's red. Kid, that'd be nice. Oh, my God.

I saw red. You look well read. Well, I really, it's not from books. It's from just being me. I'm allergic to the house. It's your vans. Yep, man's, yeah. It's all there is to it.

Yeah, Verico's vans. What is the weirdest? Oh, one of the weirdest calls that you've gotten on here to help. We're here to help my show with Jake Johnson. We had a woman two days ago, literally, who was like she couldn't, she called in the show because she's a wild firefighter, which just. A wild firefighter as opposed to a regular firefighter. Okay. Yeah, you know, you remember the videos.

We go wild. They lift their shirt. But so she fights wildfires in the summer. and when you're out there for those extended periods of time, she has to go to the bathroom, and she can't fully evacuate when she's out there for days. Why? Just because she gets a little stage fright when she's like she...

Sure, I understand. Yeah, and she's in the woods. There's like no bathroom, so she's got to go in the woods. It's not easy. And yeah, not easy. It's the hardest part of the job. And so we were coming up with pitches on how she can find a place to how she can comfortable dropping a deuce.

I mean, probably, like most of the we're here to help shows, when I explain what we said, people are like, what? Well, Jake, Jake suggested taking a bringing a quiz nose bag or something. Quiznos, it's harder to get.

Very specific. Very specific. And bringing that into her bathroom and starting to go in there for practice. And I suggested brief wildfire season, you've got to go and crap in the woods a couple times and just get used to it. That's what I think. Yeah. Just like in your backyard. Yeah. Just like, go for it.

But she's in an apartment building and she has roommates. But I think she decided she was going to. And then we actually ended up suggesting that she could have this kind of tent that she takes with her. There's pop-up tents. Yeah. A poop-up tent. A poop-up. Yeah.

That's smart. Is that real? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's like a little, you know, pop-up. You just mean a pop-up tent. It's not a tent, though. It's like tall and skinny.

And it's literally for potty. Yeah. Oh, it is? Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So we were saying in her, her pack. Does she have to dig a hole?

For the tent or for in general. I mean, it's respectful. I don't know if you have to. The nice people do, but it depends on the fire. Have you ever pooped in the woods on the wild in the wild? I don't think I've ever pooped in the woods, but the day's not over. But I don't think I've ever pooped in the woods. Where's the craziest place you've poop?

Good question. I mean, aside from my pants, the craziest place. I mean, I think I'm pretty lucky that I've always, I mean, you know, like terrible bathrooms out on the road. Again, I have two vans. Yeah. So life's crazy. And but definitely there have been times where I'm like, oh, this is a horrendous. Questionable.

Yeah, questionable without question. That's as bad as it gets. Portage. Yeah. I think I've always, like I said, except, you know, one times. I poop my pants on the plane. Sure. On the plane?

Yeah. But there was a bathroom there. Do you have a change of clothes? No, no, I was... Would you do? Yeah. Well, if you must know. I think we must know.

Okay. I was on the plane and I was hung over. I was flying to Canada and I went into the bathroom planning to pee and I did pee. And in there at some point during the pee, I, I left the bathroom thinking I'd just peed. And yeah, this is medically alarming. And as I was walking to my seat, I felt a different vibe. Sure.

Temperature. Yeah. Just things. Didn't feel right. Yeah. Just didn't feel like normal secretions. The seat all of a sudden got real cushy. Well, I didn't even make it to the seat.

It was on my walk to the seat. Your walk is shame. And then I started thinking to myself, well, what do I do? Should I? Part of me was thinking what anyone would think was like I didn't shit my pants because that would register when I was in there. But I also started thinking, well, maybe I should go back and check. And then I was like, just go to your seat. There's like an hour left. And then during the mulling, I was like, I'll go back to the bathroom. But now there were like three people, four people waiting in line. Oh, man. I didn't feel like I had time for that. So I went to the front of the line and said to the gentleman at the front, hey, I was just in there. I think I left my phone in their mind if I grab it.

And he was like, yeah. And then I shut the door in his face. And I was in there for 15 minutes while I was a slow-mo Superman, got the boxers off, took him off, cleaned myself like a baby. And then left with everyone in line being like, hey, that. That guy's a psycho. What happened there? And probably people being like, I think he must have shit his pants.

Were you alone? Yes. And then I vowed I'd never tell anyone. And then that night I had a show and the guy I was opening for at the time, I told him, and he was like, you have to talk about it on stage. And then the next night I was telling the story.

And people were genuinely like, that's gross. And I was like, that's not, it just feels like a sad confession of the plain shitter. We know it's normal. Thank you. I feel so.

Do you feel safe? Yeah, that was great. That is exactly. We want you to feel safe. Yeah, that was awesome. What happened to your pinky? Well, I was in the wood. I was cleaning under my couch.

Yeah. And I guess my couch, it's not a bad couch, but apparently the legs of the couch need to be sanded. And a splinter went under my pinky like a big one. And then I had to yank it out. And that was yesterday. With your hand cleaning? Yeah, I was like kind of going under there, like cleaning. Did you have a rag?

Yeah. I should point out there was a rag. So you don't vacuum under. I wasn't just going under there. Let's see if I can look like a gorilla. Yeah. You clean under your own couch with a rag? Yeah.

Like how special? You know, whatever. I mean, I'm gone a lot when I'm home. When I'm home, you know, why? You don't do that? I've never done that. Really? No.

Oh, there's, if you have a cat, the toys you find, that's exciting. I don't have a cat. And then all the random hairs and. We don't have cats. It's a thrill. Well, you should get a cat. What you guys are doing. Cat anavan.

I don't know. Yeah. It sounded like a pill, what you just said. Not Ativan? It's Ativan for cats. Yeah, no, it was... Did you get the splinter out? No.

Yeah. It was big. It was comically large, so I yanked it out. And then it was bleeding on the rag while I was cleaning it. Huh? I'm doing well. Do you clean under your couch, Kevin? Not regularly, but my hedgehog does hang out under the couch, so I do try to clean under there so he doesn't get like stuck in dust.

Hedgehog scapegoat. Yeah. Sometimes I push it back and then vacuum. Push the, yeah, I do that too. Okay. Sometimes I'll do the full couch move and I'll really go to town. You know, depends how in depth I'm getting. Right now that I'm home, I have a little time I'm actually really doing a good clean.

Yeah. So that, you know. But not spared of injury. No, you got to leave it along the field. If you're getting under the couch with your full arm, stuff happens. Do you cook? Yeah. The way you said, yeah.

You cook and clean. Yeah, I cook what I find under the couch. Yeah, stir it up. Stop it, Kevin. Yeah, I cook. Yeah, I cook pretty regular. I go to the farmer's market every Sunday. I enjoy it.

Do you? Yeah. All right, walk us through it. Oh, gosh, what do I cook? You know. Do you feel like you're on a dating show? I feel like I'm on a dating show where two people are not going to pick me. I feel and they're like, that's, one of them has to pick you and you guys are like talking to producers.

Like we're both out. And I'm like, what? Like a dating show where we're trying to get you off the show. Yeah, like, yeah, exactly. A dating show where it's like, let him down. And I think it's called like score. And you guys are like, the show's actually called Let Him Go. And you're done.

I cook a load of stuff. I mean, I cook in the morning I'll make. a few real eggs and one fake one one just egg oh yeah why mm-hmm why why yeah no I like them I like them and I feel like one less real egg no help me I don't understand but you're eating real egg yeah that's true look I'm not my logic isn't gonna be for everyone obviously I don't understand well it's like when you have two vans you're you're trying you got two vans but then you have an electric car It's the same as your eggs and your fake eggs.

When I go on the road, I bring a like portable kitchen with me now since I drive to most of my shows. And so when I check in, I have a hot plate. Yep. This is not freaking you out. The other stuff freaks you out. And then this is normal to you too. Okay. That sounds good.

Okay. So I'm in the room cooking like a fucking TikToker, like trying to be like, you know, like I'm cooking in the room. There's eggshells and every little bin in the room. But only two. No, well, I'm there for multiple days. You know, it might be like five. Then I'll cook, it's a lot of vegetables. When I'm on the road, I'll cook some chicken.

I don't normally eat chicken. On a hot plate? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's psychotic. It's not okay. But food on the road isn't that great. So you kind of need that, right?

Otherwise you're going to get a big belly. You get all red-faced and you don't look healthy and people talk. People start talking. You don't want that. No. Now, are you just cooking? for yourself on the road? Yes.

Okay. Oh, that felt serious. Well, it took a dark turn. Yeah. Yeah, I cook in darkness alone for myself. Yeah. But what was the dark turn? I felt something different than I think you feel.

What? Explain. Well, I think it was like, I think you felt like I was shutting it down. Like, no, just for me. Only piggy eats his slop. Yeah, where I was kind of like. That's what it felt like. Yeah.

So, yeah, that is what it is. It's a very selfish little world on the road as a touring comedian alone. Do you feel like those around you may want to play it? You know? Who said you? No, I don't think they do. I think they all are like, wow, this guy's out of his mind. You can just go literally next door and get food pre-made.

They're going to Applebee's in your life. Yeah, they're like going to go to Applebee's and get food. And then I'm like, oh, the sink's clogged with lettuce. Wow. It's going to be tough. Yeah. Okay. I told you I'd creep you up.

No, you did in the beginning. I lost you in the beginning. Yeah. Okay, so there's nothing to lose. No, you're safe. Let him go. Yep. On and all you let him go.

Kevin, let him go. Wait, Kevin, you said it was a lock. All right, we want to talk, we want to talk dating and dating stories. Okay. Because we know you have so many. Yes. Oh. What was the craziest first date?

Oh, man. I probably shouldn't even tell this one. You have to. Well, I'm not contagious, by the way. Okay. I, uh, well, I don't, I, this one just freaked me out a little bit, okay? Great. We're already there. Okay. So, uh, we're already freaked out. Yeah. So, uh, okay, so, so I was, I was on mushrooms, uh, walking around like Silver Lake with a buddy of mine. And, uh, and we'd like, we're walking around and we're having a good old time. And then we were, like, we were walking around and we were having a good old time. And then we were, starting to come down and we went to a bar, like right near the TG or something like that,

and near whatever, Atwater. And there was an attractive woman at the bar, and it was me and another, and she was sitting alone. And so, you know, we were definitely not, my buddy who was married was kind of just being nice, you know, whatever. And she was standoffish as she should be to two grown men who were on mushrooms. But then he says, we're on mushroom. But then he says, we're on mushrooms and she just completely was like oh my god how is it and everything changed and then we started like chatting i got her phone number and um and we uh we set up a like a date and um and then so we went we went out uh we were having some drinks we went to like what's that there's like that oyster bar or something oh um ellenie yeah ellenie we went there and um and and she really liked uh

the shirt. So, so when she was in the bathroom, I was like, hey, put that shirt in a box, and then she came back, and then at the end of the meal, I gave her. And we were like, I gave her the shirt, and we were, like, hitting it off. We were splitting cigarettes, and, uh, which is a great sign. That's always a good one. Is that how this dating show ends here? Yeah. We do or we don't. We don't know yet. Well, I contractually, someone said I would be smoking this. So, Kevin. And, um, and then, uh, and then, uh, we, uh, we went back to my place. and we started hooking up and then as we were hooking up

I know where this is going No I don't think you do Where do you think it's going? She sighed Yeah She went Lucky bitch She was hooking up with him

So as we were hooking up She goes We shouldn't have sex Because I had an abortion yesterday And I went Yesterday Yeah And I was like

Go And I was like, well, and then that just threw me into a real quandary overall of like, well, that's... Well, now I got to fuck the shit out of her. Yeah, let me show you. Let's get another one soon. No, no, I was like, it just... Or you can't get pregnant, so. Yeah, it's great.

That's what I said, good news. Yeah. I looked in her eyes and I said, that's good. And then that threw me off enough to be like, I think we should take a step back from this journey we're going on together for a minute. minute. And then we didn't talk for a while and then because I don't know it felt it's a little weird felt a little strange. Not again, you know, very okay with it. Yes. But I was like we're for you could have postponed or something. It felt like she was unavailable. Yeah, it was strange. That was that that was one of the the weirder ones. That says a lot about someone.

Not that they had an abortion. That she was honest or what do you? mean? No, just kind of like, I don't know, I think psychologically there would be something to give it a day or two. Like let yourself like heal and I don't know. It seems a little, a little odd to go on a date the very next day. Yeah. Yep. Like wouldn't you want your body to heal and be there for yourself and all of that? And we were drinking and we were smoking cigarettes. I mentioned the cigarettes, right? Yeah. We're cool. Yeah. You shared it. Yeah, two vans. And, but no, that was exactly what I felt. I felt like maybe.

A day or two. I mean, fuck. A week? Yeah. Yeah. But, uh, and also you could, it, I didn't, you could have found another way around that, you know? I really like you. I'm on my period.

Yeah, great. Yeah. You wouldn't even have to lie. You wouldn't even have to lie. She could have just been like, I'm bleeding right now. But you might have been like, cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's true. I love blood. Yeah. Yeah. Some guys don't care. That's true. Well, like that happens.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not necessarily an out. It's all I'm saying. No, I don't think it was. She could have simply said I'm not ready for that right now. That would have been way back. That would have been a winner.

I'd have been like, you came back to my place. I think you are. No. No, I would have been like, yeah, there were many outs. Question on that. Yeah. How do you feel? Oh, I know what you're going to say.

You do? Yeah. Go. Oh, well, I know you. Do you even need to do a show? Couldn't you just sit here and think to each other? We could. Just do that.

We literally would. We literally could. Just look at each other and be like, yeah. Okay, go ask. Nachos. Notch. Always. Traffic.

Notchos. No, she's like, jalapinos on the side. Okay. Right? Necessary. Notchos. How do you feel? Good.

Thank you. Okay. We're good here. Thank you. Yeah. No, glad. It was in it. Really good.

Good. If a girl's on her period. Mm-hmm. Do you want to know that information? Like, let. say you're going to go out with a girl. She's going to go on a date. It's time to take her back to your house. Like you guys know this is what's coming. Sure. Right? She's on her period. Probably doesn't want to have sex with you for the first time. Oh, there's more. On her period. Sure. Right? Like maybe not the first time. Sure. Do you think she needs to lead with that information? Lead where? Like be like, hey. As soon as you get back to the place. Early in the night or before she goes to your place? No, no, I think there, I think, I think, I think in the moment is okay. I think you're good in the moment to, like once you're getting to that zone, then you sort of go, hey, here's a heads.

I think it would be, you know, because I think it's, yeah, I think if I were to be like early in the night, say that, I would honestly, part of me would be like, ooh, so it's going to go that good. Yeah. But I think there's no, you know, there's no point in saying it that early. I think you're fine to say it. in that moment. And then we talk about it as a couple. So, but that to me signifies you're a good guy. But girls, just to you. Girls do contemplate this.

Like I remember in our 20s, they'd be like, should I tell him before, like, say he's like, I'm going to cook you dinner at my house. And they know they're on their period. And they know they're not going to have sex. Just so you know, I'm on my period. Well, dinner's off. Yeah.

They literally contemplate, like, should I tell him? Should I say it? Should I not go? Should I change it? But you're like, to me, what I hear in that is I wasn't planning on having sex with you. I was going to try. Yeah, obviously. I'm going to try.

Right? Yeah. Yeah, but no, I think that it, I mean, that says a lot about like, you know, the way it's all structured in the sense that it's like to feel guilt over something that your body does. no I would say that you're fine to be like and you would just say it I know it's from Kevin no I think in the moment you're fine to do that because it also

you know that stuff kind of happens organically so I would say you want to like just wait you know I think just wait let him discover that's what I say oh my God no it's not what you think

no I think you're fine in the moment of freshie In the moment, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, get your seafood shirt. No, I think you're definitely fine to wait until then. Okay. How do you guys feel about that?

Do you about... Here we go. What? This is what you're here for. Yeah. Not treating it as a red light? Yeah. I mean, I've gone both ways on it.

Okay. Yeah, I definitely have time. I think it... I've been in relationships where, you know, you've definitely been like whatever and then and then eventually it's like a given and then I like I'm like well we could wait a day or something like that um but uh I mean look at the end I'll tell you the only time it really matters is when I'm in my van when when I'm in the van and the cops have pulled me over and I got to explain all this blood on my crotch uh no is when you're alone in a bathroom

and the lights come on and you're like go well I got to like oh what go do what do you do do do do do do some surgery washing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like scrub in. Then you're, you know, then we're talking about a real calf workout as you're kind of going over the sink trying to make yourself, you know, and then I feel like, and then I always always remember, you know, from the other room like, is it bad? Yeah.

You're like, no, things are good. I'm in a good zone in here. I remember once I was at, he was, my husband was once my boyfriend, you know, worked at that. I know, it's so weird. But at the time we were dating and we were sleeping and we could hear through the wall next door, his neighbor who we knew. And all of a sudden we hear, oh my God, there's so much blood. Well, that's not good. Because we could hear what they were doing.

Watching Dexter. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Very loud. Very loud. You heard them. Yes.

Oh, wow. Very loud. We were like, geez, he's getting some fun tonight. And then we heard, well, oh my God. Now that's too late to reveal it. That's right. I think that's rude. Yes, yes.

Like, that's not kind. He's got sheets. Yeah. No, I agree. I actually have been on the other. I've been in that position. Was it you? Yes, it was me.

No, I, I, years ago, like, had a, like, a one-night stand and on the road. She's sick of. No, but I wanted to. marry her. It was her wishes. And, uh, and then it was the next morning, like, I woke up and I was like, oh, my God. I was like, oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah. What happened? Yeah. And then she was just dead by the bed and I went, oh, thank God. Yeah. That's what it was. It's a gunshot wound. Yeah. But I don't know. It's a very, you know, it's a very, uh, look, it's not, it's not one, It's not your fault.

It's like you've got to figure it out as a unit. No, I mean that. It's not your fault. It's always my fault. It is your fault. I agree. Why'd you do this? Do you think of women any differently if they sleep with you like on the first date versus like

they're going to wait it out a little bit and make you work for it? No, really no. I think that. Makes no different. No, I think that I think there is something to like if you are like teasing it out for like a month. Yeah, that's like I get that. And there definitely by the time it happens, it's like, you know, you're like e-gads. But I also, if you like someone and it happens on the first night, I'm like, oh, that doesn't bother me.

That just means we get to do that more. That would be funny if it bothered you. If I was like, God, it's so annoying. These girls keep sleeping with me on the first day. Aren't we easy? Not for me, thanks. I'm not into sex that early. No, I would love to play the card where I'm like, I want to wait.

Oh, my God. Have you ever done that? I don't believe I have now. You haven't. I don't think so. Wow. I think I've always been like, sure. Has a guy ever done that to you?

We should wait? Yeah. And how would you feel if they did or had? I would be like there's something clearly wrong with his dick. Yeah. Oh. That's, that's what I feel like I would be saying. Right?

Yeah. Like something's not right there. Yeah, I feel like I would be saying like it got burned. Wow. So that's the first thought. Like if a guy wants to wait, it's got to be a dick issue. What would your thought be? Religion?

No. Probably, I don't know. Yeah, maybe what's going on. Well, they would have to follow it up with a good reason. I like you a lot. But what's a good reason? I don't know. I was just trying to sound like I didn't make sense.

Again, I don't relate to it at all. Never done that. I genuinely don't think. Is something wrong maybe in that area? I would maybe think that. Right. Yeah. Yeah, I don't.

I mean, I've just never, I don't know. Or I have another theory. No. I don't know. On that, they're like a love bomber. So they do that on purpose. Like, no, like you're amazing. You're special.

I want to wait. Still, dick issue. That's never real. Still, I would be like, lie or dick issue. Quit lying about your dick issue. You're so special. I want to. to wait. Let's see it. Yeah. What happened? Why? What's wrong with it? Wait, what if Rachel acted like that?

Like, someone's like, I really like you and I want to wait and you're like, dick issue. All right. That's what you would say. We can wait. I just need to see it. We can totally wait. Yeah. Show it to me. Just show it to me and make sure it goes big. Does it? Prove it. All right. Well, then you're a sweetheart. That's adorable. Okay, you're sweet. Yeah. Or you're just like, boy, it's really not getting any bigger, is it? Like, it should. There was a guy I dated and he waited so long to even kiss me that I lost interest by the time he did. Oh yeah. Wait, that sounds so familiar. Cellmate.

Cellmate? That's right. Yeah, that's right. In juvie? My bunkey. My bunkey. Yeah, it was my bunkey. Wait, who's cellmate?

What does that mean? Yeah. This is where you two are communicating in that twin language you've invented again. Yeah. We told the story, I think, like, I don't even know. Like last week, maybe? She met a guy. She said the next guy.

that walks in the room as my soulmate in walks this guy that we knew we wind up dating i put him in my phone as soulmate unbeknownst to me olivia took my phone and changed it to sell me okay he likes it of course but soulmate is well i mean that's ambitious you did you think you were going to be soulmates yes yeah because of what you're kind of were for a minute okay i feel like there can be like short-term soulmate totally for sure tons yeah millions so many so many you know that's what brought me to the polygamy church. I really believe God gave me nine. How do you feel about polygmy? Like it would be a nightmare for everyone involved. You do? Yes. Why? Because from what I've seen, it seems like the women rightfully so are like, hey, that sucks that you're just here one night a week. And for the dude, he always walks

into a new living situation with the woman giving him that energy. So every time he walks in, she's like, how is Catherine? And he's like, fine, I'm sorry. Like, ah, and then he's got to like, every day is a deficit in his relationship. And it seems exhausting. And then he just spends 24 hours getting it back up to a good spot and then he leaves again. And then so it's just his life is plus the amount of kids. If it's

the religiously based one, it's like 50 kids. Yeah. A cap is like a lot for me. So I can't imagine. Apparently all the toys under the couch. Well, I mean, we like to have fun. How do you feel about... The boys are having fun to live. Open relationships. Good for everyone who's

in it. Not for me. Not for you. Yeah. You have a girlfriend, right? Yeah, I do, yeah. Not open. No. Very. Very closed. Very closed.

She's not allowed outside. No. She's the cat. She's the cat. She's my cat with a wig. No, I think if you get, personally, like, if you get to that point, if you're, I think then you're, you know, maybe there's something not right and that's, but I also think there are people who are able to do it successfully.

but I don't know. I was just wired with like a weird parental upbringing where it was very strange. And I think it made me extra. What was strange? Well, like my parents were always on again, off again. And my dad was kind of cheating. And it was always just very difficult to see my mother in that.

It just definitely made me be like, if I'm going to be in a relationship, it's going to be because it actually is, working and you know there is some sort of like you know there is a connection that is between two people versus like I also from a like if if I was with someone who was sleeping with someone I don't I would not be able to be like oh you know let's watch a movie I'd be like it was good though oh good all right cool you know I'd be in a bad mood right yeah I would just couldn't do it couldn't do it you two we're in an open relationship

Her and I? Yeah. With notches. We're allowed to see other people. Yeah, you can do other podcasts? That's interesting. Only yours. Yeah.

Interesting. All right. Yeah. No, I could never do it. Yeah. She could never. I could never be in an open relationship. Could I?

She's like, I could have a side piece? No, I could have an affair. Oh, cheating is great. I'm just kidding. You just don't tell them. I'm just kidding. I haven't been in a long term, like, committed in like a minute. So for me, it's hard to speak on when I, you know what I mean?

Yeah. But I don't think I couldn't. No, I couldn't. No, I absolutely could not. The phone going on. You know what I mean? No, I already. No, I absolutely could not.

It would be death by a thousand cuts. If it was like one-sided, sure. Your side. Yeah. Anyone could do one-sided. For sure. Right. Does that exist?

Yes. It seems like it does, but then it's labeled. Wait, I just heard of this. Really? It's called something? No. Someone we know was like, I'm allowed to. Kevin.

I work on other podcasts. There was some sort of agreement where... Won't last. Won't last. One-sided one seems the craziest. That seems the craziest. There was something like that. But I would have an issue as the partner.

If like the partner was letting you, it would kind of be like, hey, that would be a turn off to me. You know? I think I figured it out. What? I'd be like, all right. You know, I'd come back. Well, you made a crazy decision. Yeah.

No, I think you're right. Just kidding. I definitely think you'd be like, why are you letting me do this? Right. You mad at me? Like, are you not, like you don't, it's a trap. It's a trap. It's a trap. It is a trap. Trap.

Who was that? I don't know. That's going to drive me insane. I didn't tell them. Okay. But. Conventional out them. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's talk about it. No. Oh, okay, I need to clear my mind. There you go. Come back to center. Yeah. The only time I think it could work is if you go into it open. Yeah.

If you're like the kind of people that are like, we like. Like you start dating and you're dating other people at the same time? Yeah. And you both all parties know and all parties are okay versus we're in a monogamous relationship and then we open it. Still makes no sense to me personally, but I think you are right. That would be the way to go in. But then I, you know, I would just be too jealous. Yeah, I couldn't.

I would just start, you know, I don't know. I would just be, I would start being a prick. I would just be like, well, you know, and then you'd be like, well, this is what the plan was. And I'd be like, no, I know. And I'm just like, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, you know. And then I'd be like self-cucking. It would be bad. That sounds horrible.

Yeah, the self-cuck. The self-cuck. People don't talk about that. No, not enough people. No, it's killing kids. It's an epidemic. Yeah, the self-cuck. Yeah, I could not swing it.

Could you come back from infidelity? No. What have you heard? No. No, I couldn't. You know what? You like your girlfriend. Yeah.

You do? I really do. Oh, yeah. No, I, and two ways. I would not be able to, I would not be able to, if it happened to me, I could not let it go. And if I did it, I'm not the kind of person who would be able to get away. with it. It would drive me crazy. Me neither. You would just be like, I did this.

Yep. We'd be watching, like, TV, and there'd be, like, something happened. I'd be, like, over laughing or just thinking about it too much, and I would just be like, look, I fucked up, you know. Like, you could never watch cheaters again. What's cheaters? Remember the Joey Greco show? No. You guys don't remember cheaters? What's cheater? Oh, where they catch them cheating? Yeah. That's a great show. A great show, but you couldn't watch it as a cheater.

It's reality. You couldn't watch anything because there's always cheating. I agree. They had like eight. hosts. But yeah, you couldn't, you really couldn't. But that's how I would feel. I would be sitting there. You'd just be like, his hand's sweaty. His face is red. Yeah. Why is he talking so much about his vans? What's going on with him? His vans. But you would, I think I would just emanate that I've done something. I would too. I couldn't do it. Yeah. For sure. Guilt ridden. Guilt ridden and I would become weird. And then it would be like three days after I would have to like confess. So I just, that The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

Just from the confession alone, you stay away from it. Yeah, right, yeah. I'm just yelling at a pillow. What was that? I would be too nice. What do you mean? He'd be like, why is she being so nice? Oh.

Yeah, I would do that too. I think I'd be so nice. There'd be a lot of like, just love it. I love you. Yeah. So much. Jesus, you're hurting me. I hurt everyone around me.

This is what I do. Yeah. I mean, again, when I watch like, when I watched my mother kind of come to terms with like the ending of my parents' relationship, it's imprinted in a way that, you know, no one would be able to ever remove it. Did she move on? Well, in the sense that they got divorced, but no, she never like went into another relationship. What about him?

He did, and then he went into the, he went right into the next one. Yeah, that's what they do. And then it was like another 20 years, and then that ended. Oh, wow. Well, maybe like 15. And then that ended. And then now he's like, he's just, he really wants to find someone. He's very sweet.

He's a very sweet man and he is a romantic man. But he, you know, now I'm like trying to get my dad on like dating apps and shit. Really? Oh, yeah. I'm like paying for him. Could you set him up with your mom? It's my cover so my girlfriend doesn't know. Huh?

Could you set him up with your mom? That would be an incredible thing to do. but uh... Like a blind date like A movie Paratrap A lot of us The blind parent trap

Oh yeah Yeah I don't know if I could Pinak a lot of them I think my mother would lose her mind And then I think And I think my father would probably be like I'll give it a short

I have a friend Whose parents separated Uh huh The dad left Had a whole other family wife child All of it broke up

Huh How does it make you feel about marriage Having witness theirs Hesotent Are you? Yeah. How long have you been with your girlfriend? Two and a half years.

Oh, it's time. Stop. You're like her family. Oh, you feel some pressure? Yeah. Yeah. I need more time. You need more time?

How old is she? She's a little younger. She's like 39. Does she want kids? No, not just not really. Sort of. Like she's a great, she's great with kids and she doesn't want to like let that go, but she also recognizes she's with a kid.

who, you know, loves to play with vans. I have, I also travel with like little vans that I play with to like Tonka. Do you feel good about life partners just not getting married? Yeah. Oh, for sure. Okay. Yeah. So, like, this is my thing, committed.

Yeah. Don't need the paperwork. Legalities. Yeah. No, I think that. But she disagrees. No, she doesn't disagree. She doesn't want a wedding or marriage?

I mean, I think she does. to someone else. To another person. My father. No, I think, no, I think ultimately. And like, you know, it's something I never thought about doing. I think because of like, I think her parents also had a pretty shitty marriage. So I think that we both saw like terrible examples.

So it, you know, I know many people who are very committed and happy without it. But then I also know there's some people who just like to have. a big party and, you know, do something like that. So isn't that what a wedding is? Yeah, it's just a big party. It's just a big party, right? It's a big party in front of God. It's a God party.

Do you know what I heard recently I found very interesting that the marriages that have the highest success rate have prenups? Wow. And the guy said he thinks it's because this is a really huge divorce lawyer. He said when sitting down and going through all these divorces, what I've learned about people that do preempts is these. are two people that are comfortable having hard conversations. Wow.

And that are able to work through things, come to terms, and agree. I just thought you were going to say they know they can't leave because there's well, that's what my brother said. He goes, there's no money grab at the end. Yeah. There's no thing to leave for. You're not grabbing money and running. So you stay.

It's also a great way to let a woman know your dick doesn't work. You sit her down for the, you have your lawyer there. I've always found that helpful. legally his penis will not function. No, that's interesting. I thought it was interesting. I didn't get a pre-up. I also think you're then talking,

you're maybe laying it out in like these terms of like far more of reality. There's harder conversations that are kind of unburdened then maybe. I thought it was interesting. That's very interesting. Yeah. And my brother was like, no, it's because they, leaving, they don't get half of the person's money. so they're more likely to stay. But let's say you have a big payout

and you're like, well, if I leave, I get $5 million. Jesus Christ. Yeah, who's that? I need to find out of course. When can I leave earliest? You know what I mean? Do you have one?

No. No. No pre-nop. No. Kevin? Me either. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Yeah, no. That feels it. That's interesting. I thought so. I don't know if I could bring it up. I don't know. I would have major nerves about bringing up.

Yeah, I can or I already know that you couldn't. But he made it good way. I'd have the paperwork and then I'd be like, no, I didn't do it again. No, it's fine. Yeah. I just am going to put my stuff in two piles. She gets one of them. Yeah.

No, that is interesting though. I don't know. If someone pitched me a pre-up, I'd be like, yeah, that's fine. Yeah. You would have no issue. No. I'd be like, I get it. Cover your bases.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a lunatic. As long as you don't touch my vans. What if she wants? I wanted half of the vans. Which one?

The passenger one or the Honda? We don't know. It depends on what judge you get, you know? She wanted half of the pass van, we could talk. But if she's going for the Honda, I'm afraid not. It's a 2012. They don't make them like that anymore.

It's almost got 100K on it, so. It's a hard no. Yeah, sorry. Is that your cat on your tattoo? That is a dog that I took care of that passed away. Oh, that's the cat. Yeah, that is my cat. that's actually

that's what we call sorry Rachel that's a dog B-O-G and they're like cats but a little different oh yeah no I have another animal on that arm yeah that's my cat that's my cat with a rainbow shooting out of its third eye

and that's your cat A psychic dog is a dog that died The dog is a dog that died Thank you It's like I'm at the eulogy What is the dog and the dog to dad dad Dad dad dog did a dog did a dog Yeah, that dog died

And so then I got a tattoo of it Her name was bug But she wasn't yours She was a friend Everything's complicated with me It's like getting someone else's wife tattooed on you I've done that I

It was my friend's dog That I took care of part time In like 2020 And I fucking love the dog And then she kind of like It became her dog again but I still would see her and just loved her. She was just the best dog.

So I got a tattoo over. Was this an ex or a friend? This was a friend. It's complicated. I was part of the pre-nup. I got the dog. It was a prepup. And I dated her very briefly.

And then was a friend mainly for a while so that I took care of the dog. How does your girlfriend feel about that dog tattoo on your arm? We'll be right back. Chemical, we take five. I think she loves animals, so I think, but I probably like, you know, she loves animals. She loves animals. I mean, she dates me. But, you know, I think feels like whatever.

She thinks of the X a little too. But wasn't even really an X. It was a friend. I took care of the dog for like six months on my own. I know. I mean. I bet it was a dog. You have her dog tattooed on your arm.

I know. I don't love that. It's a little uncomfortable. For who? And I said, I said. I said, is that your cat? And you went straight to the dog. That you can flag. Well, my plan is to get every animal that mattered to me on my arm by the time I die.

It'll be like a pet cemetery. Literally, is that your cat? Oh, that's a dog. Nah, uh, Rich, you're doing what a lot of people do. That's actually called a dog. Dogs go bark, bark. Like, no, you're right. I didn't realize.

It's big, too. Yeah, no, it is big. Thank you. Is that a compliment? I don't know how we. feel, you know? About the arm? About any of it?

Well, Olivia, you sound exhausted. I'll be honest. No, it's the dog that was your ex-girlfriend. Yeah, and she asked you about your pants, and you were like, let me tell you about this dog that meant the world to me. Wait, what about the pants? I'm just kidding. Oh.

I know. I just mean, like, you weren't talking about the dog. And he was like, let me tell you about this dog. And she's like, but I'm talking about the cat. Well, I guess I thought I saw her vision on the dog tattoo. So, either way. The other arm is a actor tattoo. Can you explain how you see my vision?

How I see your vision. For me? I bet there's notes. I bet there's a lot of notes. There always are. Are you feeling happy you came here today? Yeah. Okay.

Are you happy I came here? Okay. No. Oh, damn it. Thank you for your honesty. We should have signed a pre-up before the show. We should have. So many things.

Yeah. And it's a good time to say hello again. Really quick, though, explain the podcast, the new podcast. Oh, I thought you could say yours. Well, it is. Wait, I wanted it really quick. I needed to share a fact. Go.

Oh, love a fact. Because you said, say hello. Yes. Hello was a word that was only invented when the telephone was invented because Alexander Graham Bell wanted everyone to say, ahoy, when he answered the phone. Why did we stop him? People. Why?

He had it. What if you answered and you were like, Ahoy! Ahoi! Can you start doing that? How are you doing? So then they came up with hello. Why?

Instead of ahoi because people didn't want to say ahoi. Why didn't they want to say ahoi? That's a great question. I would have loved it. Ahoi. Okay, your podcast. Well, I know how I'm starting my podcast from now on. Ahoy, everybody.

Well, we established we're here to help, which I should just say again. People should listen to your episodes. You're great. Yeah, you're on a couple, right? Are we? No. Yeah, you did a couple calls

and then we put them in multiple episodes. Just kidding. We didn't know that. We didn't know that. We didn't know we were spread open. We didn't know we were spread open. Yeah. Well, I don't know what to tell you.

We're seeing other guests. So we should have. Yeah, sorry, everybody. Hate to spoil it. It's called Next we have. Kevin is on it a lot. so people who are K-heads, they should go listen to it. It's basically a lot of segments.

Like we said, there's very few interviews. There's one-star sex reviews. There's games like Guess That Sound, which I will say is pretty good. I want to do all these things. There's quizzes. Yeah, we can play. Yeah, you can come on. We can play it.

We write scathing reviews for businesses that have wronged people. My mother, we did one where my mother kept thinking she was hang. My mother can't hang up face time. She's incapable of it. And so I a lot of times will let it go and keep surprising her. And then we've done it to her a couple times. And as soon as she hangs up, she starts talking shit on me. We have Schwarzenegger stories like urban legends that people have experienced with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Specific. I like that. Yeah, it's very specific to him. But it's just a lot. We're leaning into the short attention span. And so if you don't like one segment, there's a good change. right around the corner. I like the fan.

It's called Next We Have, because next we have another segment coming up. Right. Okay. Skating review of Blake Lively, go. Well, I thought when I saw Blake Lively online, I thought, oh, this will be something interesting to try. But the more I look behind the kitchen, it seemed like there were a lot of secrets back here. Back here.

In the kitchen. You're in her kitchen? I was thinking like a restaurant. Oh, okay. Like a yell. Can you tell them about the dating video we watched this week and the guy that you called? Oh, well, we thought we could watch. There are a lot of like kismat moments that have just been happening.

But one was, you know, those 80 date, like those 80s like videotaped dating profiles where it'd be like someone with a pop collar. Yeah, I'm like, hey, I'm Jim. Yeah. And like the guys are always, it's the misogyny, not that it's, I mean, it's improved. we still have a lot of notes, but guys are just like, I don't like a woman who breathes. That bothers me, you know, and you're like, Jesus Christ, Trevor. But so we thought it'd be funny to, you know, watch some of those and have a little fun with them. And so we were my friend Burns, who helps produce the show as well, had queued up the first one.

We were just mocking this guy. He had the pop collar. He was bragging about having a microwave on his boat and how, like, the best thing he'd had was he had a woman on his boat. and he'd melted Bree in his microwave and they were drinking some sort of wine and whatnot. And we were just shitting all over him, having a laugh. But at the very beginning, I thought, oh, this guy looks like my friend if it was the 80s.

And then we keep watching it. And then two thirds of the way through it, I go, this is a fake video. That is my friend. It was like a school. So my buddy hadn't vetted it properly. And then so I called my friend, this guy named Eric Price, I know from Milwaukee.

And so I call Eric on the show. And I'm like, are you in a fake dating? profile from the 80s thing and he's like yeah why and I was like I'm watching it's shitting all over you on my new podcast that's amazing and I hadn't talked to him in ages either and he was like oh my and I was like yeah it was just so convincing but

eventually it was him that is amazing so we really vet the stuff properly I wish it was a real of him same like a real that's what I wish too but it's that my producer Burns is just a lazy piece of shit wow that is good thing you have funny

Kay had yeah good thing K-Head's here. In God for K-Head. Yeah. Why does he put the timer out? To let you know. Because we went over.

You should do what they do in comedy clubs. They flash a light at you when it's time to stop. Do they? Yeah. Can you do that? Yeah, it can flash a light at you? They flash a light at you? So you go, oh, like, 45 minutes, and then you know you got to wrap it up.

You get the hook. Basically, and then if they're getting sick of you, they start flashing the light. And then if you go past the flash, then it's like, there's their pitch. Issue. It's like the Oscar thing. Yeah. They're just like.

That's naming your book. Yeah. Just stop. No, past the flash. Past the flash. And then the next one, Just Stop would also be pretty good, honestly.

And next up we have. Yeah. Yeah. At a show I did recently, a woman, as I was like, she said something like, you're doing great.

And I was like, miss, that is tough to hear her during. I was like, I feel like I was until you, like, in a silent room, just kind of like, it's fine. You're okay. Ooh. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, that's painful. It hurt. It hurt. Mm-hmm. Just like. Life has a lot of hurts. If you're a stand-up on the road, it's tremendous pain constantly. Yeah, you're out there much.

You're always somewhere. Like, you're always here. Like, you're all over the place. It's a lot of travel. A lot of pain. A lot of pain. A lot of pain. I got so much pain.

I need too. vans to get away from it. Yeah, no, I'm gone all the time for the most part, and it gets old. Wow. Yeah. But you're funny, so what are you going to do? You've got to do it. I like the shows.

Like I said, the stuff around the shows gets so fucking old. The hot plates. The hot... Natchos. Halapinos on the side. Are you saying that to each other a lot? No, because it feels like you guys have like... That should definitely be like a thing you say on the show.

more nachos. Halapinos on the side. It's never happened. It's from you. You brought that out of us. Thanks for giving the man credit for the thing you two created. That feels fair. Yeah, I guess I did do it by sitting

here and not being involved at all, didn't I? Yeah, in retrospect, you built it, but I was there secretly the whole time. You know what? Notcha. You're really funny. Oh, stop.

You are. You're really funny. Your brain works really well. Oh, stop. It does. It's quick. It's quick, man. Well, I've heard quick's not great always.

Thank you for saying that. In the brain it works. Yes, yes. The brain is very quick. Yes. I come right away with my thoughts. I'm the only one that finishes. See?

I know. We like it. No, well, you are great. I really do. I'm glad we all kind of became like podcast friends. Yeah, we are. Podcast friends. Well, I mean, when we talked through mics,

You know, you have those, but you're a great chat. You're a great chat. You are. It's always lovely. We want you back all the time. Yeah, we like it. Kevin, turn the clock around. We're not, this is bullshit.

Let's set a record. Okay, bye. Bye. Olivia had dairy. Olivia, how are you feeling? I don't know yet. We'll see. Do you still have half and half in the morning, though, with your coffee?

Yeah, but that doesn't affect me. She might have to leave mid-interview Half and half I'm okay with Ice cream I'm fine with It's cheese I'm fine It's only milk Milk milk I wonder why

I don't know What did you have it like with coffee or something Is it that? It's macha with milk She usually gets it with oat I switched to almond You did I noticed the other day you asked for almond I'm being a better person

Why is that a better person? Way better because the oat makes your glycemic spike. So it's like having sugar crashes and ups and downs, whereas almond is not going to do that like oat does. You heard it here first? Wow. Yeah, take care of yourself and your loved ones. Get almond milk. Kevin always does.

Not to be gross, but I opened some almond milk last night. I don't know what I was having. I was probably making a coffee like in the morning or something. But I opened it and I just set the cap. down and I was like, that's weird. Why is the inside of the cap black? Oh, no. There was a lip of mold around. Oh, no. It was a brand new one? No, but it, but it didn't expire. It's like four years old. What years is it? It didn't expire for a couple weeks. And how long was it open? Um, maybe a week or two, I think. Interesting. It was not old by any means. And I was, um, fortunately there wasn't that much left,

so I just dumped it and recycled it and stuff. Good thing you recycled it. Recycle the mold. We're all glad you put that in there. Me too. Can we say what brand it was? I think it was almond breeze. Oh, yeah.

I was going to guess. You got to do monk. Yeah, milk is legit. Is it M-A-L-K? Yeah. Interesting. It's a white bottle with blue-riding. It doesn't have all this stuff in it.

Stuff? Okay. Yeah. I got to check it out. We're so fast. Amazing. Ooh. Wow. Isn't it fancy?

Yeah, it looks good. I just want, I came basically straight from the grocery store this morning and hit the jackpot where there was no line. I feel like it got super lucky where sometimes with Ralph's, it'll be local grocery store. There will be a 15 minute wait for the line. What? Yeah, like it'll be. What Ralphs are you going to? There's one by me.

Okay. And it I just was like No line The guy was super nice In and out super fast I got super lucky So

Yeah you know what Ralph does You sometimes have long lines Yeah I guess because I went At like 11 a.m. And not Like at a rush hour time where Or like on the weekend

Yeah I tried to be better about What time I'm going Yeah Because it will be The last time I went I went at like 9 p.m. And I was like

It felt like a slumber party. It was just like me and the employees and I was like, we're crazy. Get out of here. The only people there are like there to buy whiskey. Yeah. Yeah. They're getting booze. Do you cook?

Not well, no. Leah's a significantly better cook than I am. But I try to do a grocery run today. Unsuccessfully too. I got like three quarters of the stuff on the list. And I came back and I told Leah, I was like, I'm going to have to go back because I didn't get everything. She's like, okay.

I saw this thing on Instagram Where like a wife Sent her husband to the grocery store with a list and then she turned off her phone But the list was like things that don't exist Like sour cream 4% Like you know what you mean And the details were all things that don't exist I was going to send it to you because I'm like you would get a kick out of this

Doing that to Jeff I don't know if you've seen it but there's this thing going around That's like could A gorilla versus a hundred men is a thing for some reason on my TikTok or like how many men could how many men could a guerrilla battle or something? Yeah. And the very savage one I've been seeing is how about one man with one to-do list for house activities? I like it. I like it. How do you feel about this? What would you do in this situation? I sent Jeff to the store only because,

Because it was Mother's Day a little while back, right? And he's like, don't worry, I'll go. So I wrote a list and he came back with it. And I asked for lettuce, baubidi-blah, a red onion. He came back with chopped red onion. Oh, I didn't like that. I didn't want chopped up red onions. Yeah.

And he's like, he's like, here you go. And I was like, babe, I wanted a red onion. Yeah. And he's like, well, I was trying to make your life easier so you didn't have to chop it. That was sweet. But I wanted it thinly. You know, like, the thinly sliced onion for a salad. I don't want chopped onions in a salad. I don't want chopped onions in a salad. Yeah. Like if you're sauteing an onion in something. Different. You could get me a chopped yellow onion.

Totally. Happy. But in a salad? No. You would never want to throw chopped red onions in a salad. It's not a chopped salad. was not a chopped salad. Issues. I'm doing a toxic overcorrecting

where I've had like a few stomach aches with sweet green salads. And unfortunately, I feel like I have just written off salad as a whole. Was it kale? I don't know. I'm afraid it was like avocado or something. But yeah, they have this thing called the shroomami, which is like mushroom.

Yeah, kale, avocado. And it's really, really good. but the last five times I've had it, four of them, I've been like, my stomach hurts. I'm done for the day. And so now I feel like I'm much more cautious with. Maybe it's the like fast foodie salad. It's not the salad. Yeah.

It's probably the either one of two things. It's probably either the oil they cook the mushrooms in. If you get an oil that doesn't agree with you. Yeah. I did not know. That's a good tip. Oh, I can't eat. We have like a running joke in my family.

Like, I can't eat sushi. Like when they cook it in that oil, like if you get like the rock shrimp or. What oil are they cooking it in? Whatever oil it is destroys my stomach. Yeah. What oil do we think it is? I don't know. Is it like an olive oil or something?

No. No, that's why I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. It's like a different type of oil. They know I'm going to poop my pants. It's like safflower oil. It's like sesame oil. I don't know what it is.

It's poopy pants oil is what it is. Oh, man. So when we go to sushi, he'll be like, are you going to poop your pants today? Are you going to not get that? Yeah. I'm going to poop my pants. I'm going to poop my pants. Give me that shrimp.

I got it. What's the last restaurant you guys have been to where you drove home and you're like, unfortunately, this one did not agree with me? It happens every time I eat sushi. Oh. Really? If I don't get the things cooked in the oil, it doesn't. So everybody pretty much tells me it happens after Benihana. It doesn't happen to me.

Because you don't have any issues with lactose. So if I get Benihana with no butter, I don't get sick. Oh, it's the butter. It's the butter. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. When have you gotten sick?

Not from, I mean, from like food poisoning a restaurant, sure, but not like. You never get poopy pants? Like, oh, we got the cramps and the chills and like... No, the only thing that'll do that is like coffee, you know, when coffee will just like... Yeah. Go through you. But not food. Not really.

That's interesting. I know. Huh. Yeah. Fascinating, guys. Yeah. I did a, like, no coffee day a couple days ago. Oh, you had a headache?

Uh, yeah. You had depression. The day before, we'll both. Um, unrelated. But the day before I had, like, too much. I did like a coffee and a Celsius back to back and then I was just like buzzing all day in a way that

like didn't feel good. And then so the next I was like, okay, no coffee. And my wife was like, you have to stop talking about how you haven't had coffee today. Because it became my new personality. I'm like, God, I can't believe I hadn't having that coffee today. Kevin's like I'm vegan and I haven't had coffee. Everyone's worst nightmare.

But yeah, I unfortunately rely too much on caffeine. So then doing having no caffeine for a day felt like a nice reset, I guess. I get such a killer headache without it. Yeah, I don't know how to do it. So my friend Nicole doesn't drink coffee.

She doesn't drink coffee. And she has way more energy than I do. She's like up at five and can go all day and stay up all night. And I'm like, why is that? And she's like, because I don't drink coffee. And I was like, oh, maybe it is like actually killing me. I mean, it is an addiction. Oh, it's definitely.

Maybe it's like higher highs and then lower lows. I quit caffeine for like four years. Wow. When? That's so crazy. I don't. It was like before I had Briar and then I got pregnant with her and so I stuck with it for three years after her. Yeah.

Crazy. And then I got a job where I was shooting and I'm like, I can't do this without caffeine. Dude, Rachel's coffee. Oh. Talk about. I can give people panic attacks. She has given me literal out of body experience panic attacks. It's really strong.

I actually said something this week that truly altered my brain, and I can't stop thinking about it now. Or just very casually, you said the only thing, not the only thing. The main thing that gets you out of bed is a good cup of coffee. And like the last four days I have woken up, I've been like, you know what? I'm looking forward to that cup of coffee. I thought he was going to go. I thought he was going to say the vagina. Me too.

Oh, that was very funny. I thought you were going to tell the vagina story. You should definitely tell that. That was very funny. I told some people I had gum and they all burst out after one. Wow, it's making the rounds. Yeah, people love it. People love it.

Okay. Well, well, you'll all wonder what her vagina story is. You're welcome. Rachel's famous vagina story. Yeah. Rachel's famous vagina, period. That's right. We have the same thing.

Okay, bye. Bye. That was a headgum part. podcast.