Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - Recentering with Laura Clery

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

Rachel and Olivia sit down with comedian and podcaster Laura Clery for an honest conversation about healing after relationship challenges, and how she’s learned to deeply value time with her kids, her friends, and herself.Like the show? Rate Broad Ideas 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts and SpotifyThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, here's stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room,

and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hax podcast, on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. Olivia has got like all the books. Yeah. I look very collegiate. We're quite different right now.

You look like we're going to like see you on CNN or something. Like we got an expert in the field and it cuts. Exactly. You know, the studies are showing that masks work. That's good. That's what I look like, the person that they would cut on and we're like, we've heard it, lady. They cut to me and I'm like, ballpits are getting. out of control. They're putting too many

balls in here and kids are, they can't even see. Rachel, and yours? Oh, what? I fell asleep. Rachel's is the like nighttime weather report. Like we get some cumulus clouds and some describing

some things from views that the average person can see. I feel like I could tell a good scary story right now. Yeah. Yeah. Excuse me. All right, stay tuned for the end of the episode for the scary story. Yes, but first.

Yes, but first, Laura Cleary, who is hilarious. Super funny. One of our funniest episodes, I feel like. I absolutely. I love her. Yes, she's outstanding. Yes. Okay, we'll stop talking.

Enjoy. I remember the first time I met Manon, she raised her hand and said something. Yeah. And we were in a weird room. And I think I was like, I don't know. This was 14 years ago. Oh, my God. And she said something.

And one of my best friends turned to me and she goes, oh, you love her. And I was like, I fucking love that girl. Yeah. So much. Like her voice. Yeah. Her delivery. Everything about her.

I was like, I'm in. I love her. Yeah. And this is before. any of her content in the world or anything. Like, I discovered her is what I'm saying. Okay. She wants credit.

For you, too, essentially. She's taking credit for discovering you. And I discovered you, and I discovered Rachel. I discovered everyone. She's a discoverer. You're a star maker. You, you're a star. That's right.

Yeah. Yeah. But you guys are so funny. Oh, thank you. Olivia showed me one the other day. I was dying. Dying. I forget what it.

The people please. Oh, yeah, the people's pizza. Oh, yeah. Because that's just so fucking true, isn't it? Yes. And it was really like we were meeting at this cafe and I was like, do you want to sit inside or outside? And she was like, I want to sit inside. I was like, oh, okay.

And she's like, but do you want to sit outside? Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I wanted to sit outside. And she's like, no, we'll sit outside. I'm like, no, because you want to sit inside. And like it just happened. And I was like, man, I'm like, we need to film this. Yeah.

And then we just like put the phone back and forth and just film it on the spot. You know? Because it just, and then it just feels so real. Yeah. And because it is. Because it is. It is because I feel like it's like the Larry David who gets like all the real little isms of life. And if you catch it and you film it, whether it's scripted or not, it's content, it's very funny.

That's what I love about social media. That's what I love about it is like you can just pull your phone out and like there's a funny moment happening. And it's like, oh, wait, we can just make this into a little piece of art and then push it out to the world. Yeah. You know, there's no, like, writer's room and having to get it approved by a producer. And then, like, it not getting picked up. Like, what? You're like, this shit's getting picked up.

Oh, my God. I remember I shot a pilot once I wrote it. I co-directed it. It was like a million dollar budget, which was a big deal for me because my shit costs $20. Yeah. And then they fucking didn't pick it up. And I'm like, y'all are just going to waste this? Yeah.

Let me post it at least. Nope. It's gone. Done. Done. Yeah, because they own it and, you know. Right, sure. Yeah.

So do you even dabble in that world anymore? No. Are you just a creator? I don't. I don't at all. That's great. You're like it and it feels good. So good.

Totally. Yeah, as much as I love auditioning. Oh, my God. But, like, it's the best thing. Did you like auditioning? I fucking hate auditioning. Oh, God. Hate.

I know. What about you? Absolutely hate it with every fiber. You know? But do you have run? who are like, I love it. Yeah, and they're fucking lying. Who?

Right. Are they lying? They're lying. Nobody could possibly love that. How? How could you love that? Unless, you know, there's something wrong. Maybe there's a genetic chip missing or something.

Do you think it's a psychological pathological ability to lie to oneself? It could be an actual psychopath or just, or I don't know. Like, I have a few friends who just don't sweat it or maybe they're. They're lying, you know? Yeah. They just kind of can go in, do it, go out. They don't like get all neuronic. Yeah. They just don't care. I guess. I guess. But like like it. There's a difference between like indifference and actually enjoying it. Do you like, are you going to memorizing lines? Like do you not get overwhelmed with like 12 pages of size? That doesn't bother me. Oh, I hate it. I, this is how I roll. I'm really bad. I'm a huge procrastinator. So even if I'm working, I won't know my shit.

when we're rehearsing it and blocking it, it's like when they're setting it up is when I memorize it. Whoa. I know. Do you think you'll still be able to do that? Yeah. You do? Yeah. I like that.

It's the pressure. Like if I have to do it. Like I'm packing for the summer right now. It's not done. I leave tomorrow morning. But after this, the pressure, I will get that shit done. Not to diagnose you? Yeah, please do.

I've been diagnosing her for a long time. A long time. I have so many things. But that's like a huge ADHD. Yes. This is our, this is our, which I have too. Okay, great. Yeah.

Yeah, no. The most artists do, actually, I really do. You're just proving her right, because I've never been diagnosed. Really? Byer. Oh, you are. And Nicole Byer. And Laura.

I mean, hello. Yeah. So. But that's a huge thing because we thrive on adrenaline. And so, like, we're the most productive last minute because you get that, like, adrenaline. You're able to pack it all in a few hours rather than space it out over the week. Like, what's that?

Yeah. No. I mean, I will say I will, like, I'll think about it constantly. Yeah. Like, obsessively. So you'll kind of pack in your head? Yes. Like what I need. But then if I, I almost want to, like, show a picture of, like, what the shit looks like right now. It's, it's insane. But yeah. So I'm convinced I definitely have 80s. So do you go away for the summer? Not normally. So do you go to therapy? Where do I summer? Where do you summer? No, I just want to. Because I just need to leave my house. So I'm just like, any ideas. I'm like, so. I'm so scared to travel with young kids.

Have you traveled with them? Four and six. Yeah. And literally like once. Are you married, partner? Going through a divorce. Going through a divorce right now. Okay, single mom.

Yes. With a four and a six-year-olds. Yeah, a single mom. So literally September, 2022, we separated. Okay. And then we like tried the mediation route. Did not work. And now we're,

figuring other things out. Like I literally have a restraining order against him right now. Oh, shit. I know. I know. Is this a comedy podcast? No, this actually... Wait.

So the kids are just with you? The kids are with me. Okay. Yeah. I say this because it's all very public. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's literally posting everything online every day. I wake up and he's posting shit.

So he's an actor? So he's an act of? Yeah. Yeah. And so that's what's happening right now. Oh, wow. And so what you say, Is he an actor? He said he's an actor.

No musician, but same shit. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Wait a minute. So how do you go through that? And this is what I worry about when people go through that. It's not as much the mess, right? Yeah. But I guess where I don't worry for you, but where I would look is like, are you okay with your own intuition now? Like, right? Like going through that, you're like, I married you. We had children. And then you're not who I thought you were. How do you reconcile that? Well, it's wild. Like when we met, I was 24. He was 36. I had 59 days sober. I went to my sister, like, dragged me to this party. And at the time, like, she literally only hung out with British people. They call it like an anglofile where she's just like obsessed with everything British to the point where she would call me and be like, no, do you want to get some tea? And I'm like, you're from Chicago. Are you calling me from your mobile?

Yeah, like literally you're from Chicago. But that's gone away. You know, but anyway. Yeah, so I go, the accent's gone away. So I go to this party full of Brits and I meet him, Brit. And we like, you know, bonded over both being recovering alcoholics. He was the only one holding a water. And I was like, oh my God, like, where did you get your water?

Like, I love water. That is the first thing ever. Yeah. I love water. Yeah, and I just kept talking about water. And then it was like, he just like paused. He didn't respond. And I was like, yeah, like it's so important to stay hydrated. That is the first thing I said to him. And he was like, he goes, obviously you don't know, voter, you would have brought some yourself. And we get in this whole like water fight. And it's like cute. And then, you know, 20 minutes later, everyone's getting progressively drunker or higher. And I don't want to be around it because I'm newly sober. And I was like, and I'm like, you know, tell my sister I'm going to leave. And then. And I'm like, all right, I guess I'll say goodbye to the water guy. So I go back and I was like, hey, I'm leaving. And he goes, why are you leaving? And I said, because I'm the only sober person here. And he goes, I'm sober, and I'm like sober, sober, because there's like driving home

tonight sober, like, I'm a raging alcoholic sober. And he's like, sober. And then from there, it was like, that was it. The rest of history, we like went out of, had a three hour lunch the next day. Within six months, he proposed. Within a year, we were married. Whoa. Yeah.

And so I don't I'm not one of those like I wasted a decade of my life because it was 10 years. Yeah. And I don't think that at all. It was like it was fun and amazing. And then it was like fun with problems. And then it was just problems. Right. Right.

And so I don't, it worked and then it didn't. You know? And now he's in a relapse also very public, also very public so I can say. Right. And so he's a famous musician? Mm-hmm. And he's a famous musician? Yeah.

Unknown. Yeah, like he's, well, he's a, he was a film composer. So he came out here to work with Hans Zimmer and like score films, movie scores. And then, yeah. So, and then we like started, you know, he would like score all my stuff. He'd be doing like a 15 piece orchestra and like my Instagram videos. Like it was, you know, but, you know, so honestly, I think the relapse just changed him, you know, and that was three years. ago. And I didn't know at the time. Like, I was like, what's going on? Like, he just was so distant and cold and weird. And then I caught him in a lie and, like, confronted him. And even when I confronted him, I was not willing to give up. I was like, hey, like, maybe you got a cross addiction going on or maybe there's something going on and we can work it out. And like, I wasn't willing to give up. At that point, we had two young kids and one and a three-year-old and, you know, we're in it. And I'm, like, willing to fight.

But it just spiraled more and more out of control. And he became unsafe. And it wasn't about loving him or not. It was like I had to walk away. And my mom looked at me, she goes, don't make the same mistake I did. Because she stayed with my dad, who was an alcoholic, who was, you know, not, I don't think it's so black and white, right? Like, it's like sometimes they're good and nice and lovely. But then when they're drunk or high, it's like they're a different person and dangerous or whatever.

So she said, don't make the same mistake I did. And it was like, wow. And then what example am I showing my daughter by staying in something that's Yeah. Not safe. No. No. So it's like had to separate. And then yeah, we're still kind of in it now. It's a crazy, crazy time. But you guys are a great distraction. So thank you for having Yeah. Yeah. We're so distracting. We're like, and then what did you feel? No, but you can ask you. I'm an open book. I know. I love that. I know. I love how open you are about being, you know, all of that. Because yeah, it's fucking hard. Isn't it? And it's so fucking common. I know. I feel like so many women go through it. Yeah. Like you said, the person I married, like, where'd they go type thing. Well, now that you brought up addiction, it's like they were hijacked. And that's what happens with addiction is that you no longer commit to the human, right? So like even if you commit to the human and then they get into their addiction. that version of them is hijacked. That is elsewhere. So you're no longer fighting with that person,

arguing in mediation. That's not that person anymore. Yeah. And that is a really hard thing for people that haven't dealt with addiction or alcoholism to really grapple. But it sounds like you already had the education in it before coming from an alcoholic. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And just like, But also it's trippy because I empathize with the addict, right? Totally. Because I'm like, oh, I get it. It's a disease. You can't control it.

But then at some point, you know, it's not my responsibility. I can't save him. Like, I have to walk away. If he doesn't want to get clean, I can't be around it. And my kids can't either. And it just is what it is. But that's okay. I'm practicing radical acceptance.

Yeah. I don't have to love what is, but accepting what is is is is kind of fucking amazing. Because I'm like, cool, this is what it is. And then this is really fucked up. But sometimes I just look at my life like a movie and I'm like, this is terrible, but a great scene. This is a great, great scene. Like, what's going to happen next?

Like restraining order, that's so cinematic. Yeah. I used to always do that at like explaining my childhood. I'm like, it went, don't don't, don't. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like a don't don't. Totally.

And then you're like, something's going to be solid. Law and order? Okay. I feel like my childhood was like had that as like I'd open the door and it'd be like dump them, you know? And your body kind of is like, what's going to happen next? Yes.

Yes. What's going to happen next? Totally. What's going? I know. You get dun duns every day. You have dun dun duns? I still have duntums.

Do you get dunds? Do I? You're not so dundany right now? It's more of like a. I have to ask her. My brain does not work. It just doesn't work anymore. It's same. It's like kids. Is that why I'm so dumb now? Yeah. It could be like the copious amount of weed. I smoked as a young person, but it's definitely children. Too, yes. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Because it's just like not happening up here. No. It's kids. Wait, so do you have, how many kids do you have? I have a 10 year old girl. My old girl. She's so, you guys, I don't even know. Her legs are long. than my entire body. Yeah. And she's like, you know, she's just getting older.

It's crazy. Are you guys really close? Very. Like, probably too close. Like, she needs to, like, figure out how to be a little more independent. But she, no, she's good. And does she live? You're divorced, right?

We were never married, but together for a very long time. And co-parent, but, you know, he travels a lot for work and stuff. So she's with me, mostly. Mostly. Yeah. Okay. So you like have custody? Yeah, there's no like legal thing.

There's no legal thing. Oh, right. Because you were never married. That's right. Yeah. But we totally like he sees it all the time. That's cool. That's cool.

I hope to get to that point. It was that point. Like when he's sober, it's that point. But when you're not, you just have to make moves. It is what it is. Yeah. Someone told me we walk over the sick and we walk over the dead. And I, that hit harder.

Would you say? Say that again? Like someone told me in recovery, we walk over the sick and we walk over the dead. And I was like, that is so harsh. And they were talking about like family members. But it stuck with me. And what it means is we keep moving. Right?

What it means is we stomp on dead people. Yeah. What it means is we're zombies. We dance on the ground. We kill people. No, but like, you know, there's nothing you can do. With cancer. That's what it means.

Just like person who gets phrases wrong. That's what I love about you. Person that gets phrases wrong. That's my favorite. That's a great thing. Right? Like how many things can we come up? Yeah.

But like meaning, you're meaning we don't enable. You don't enable. You keep going and you focus and you stay on your track. And like they say, it's a family disease. And what they mean by that is their disease will kill. you. Right? Yeah. So you're doing what you have to do to protect yourself and your children. So he's not seeing his children. Well, literally, this has been like two weeks of him not seeing them. Okay. And it was because he had like this really public relapse. Literally he would, he was documenting the whole relapse

online. Yeah. Like when I tell you like it's all out there. It's fucking insane. Yeah, but when that happened, I was like, oh, okay, like not safe. And so then, yeah, and so this is like, it's been like two weeks or something. And then, yeah, we go to court, like, next week or something. And, yeah, so we'll see. I mean, I'm hoping, I'm actually hopeful that this will be his bottom. And he goes to rehab and gets better. Right.

And then eventually after a year sober, we can, you know, figure something out. Yeah. So I'm, like, weirdly hopeful about it. it, but it will be what it will be. Right. So, you know, I'm just like, I've got a really good support system. I've got great friends, great family, my women's group that I go to every week. And I just could not do it without women specifically.

Yeah. I wouldn't say I'm anti-men now. But I'm a little antsy men. Fuck you, whoever you are. Yeah, no, just kidding. Just kidding. Kevin. Kevin, he's not. He's like, he's like, Kevin, I love you. No, but like, I'm not into men, but like,

I don't know, like, I just feel weird about, I don't know if I believe in marriage anymore. Like, I don't know. It's a business deal. That's what I'm fucking saying. And we're this, we're these hopeless romantics and we meet all these fairy tales and it's charming forever. And I don't know if men see it the same way. And it does feel like just this contract that I'm like, Why would I get into that again? Well, you might. Are you married? I am.

I like it, but I like. Do you have a pre-up? No. Why? Not. Because when I met him, I was a nanny. Okay. I had nothing.

And he was like. He's a doctor. Oh, never mind. So you do the girl match. No. I, we didn't do a pre-num. No, that's great. Yeah.

I support it. Yeah. It's in her favor. I support it. I support it too. But no, I'm actually strangely a fan of marriage, but I'm a little boring. How long have you been married? Eight years. Thank you.

I love that. You know that. See, I don't know my shit. And you guys are kids? Yeah, we have two boys. Okay. Wow. Yeah.

Okay. No, she has like the, you know, the real thing, like the marriage. Yeah, but it's hard. Why is it hard? I'm not hard, but like, you know. Um, why is it hard? Okay, so we have a man. Because he's a man.

I know. We had a woman on Patty Sangler. Oh, that's funny. I just had her on mine. Oh, did you really? Yeah. And she talked about the black cat and the golden retriever in each relationship. Oh, funny.

She didn't do that on mine, but I've seen that on TikTok. Oh, she didn't do that on yours? The black cat golden retriever. It's somebody, who is it? It's somebody that she did that on mine. Oh, she didn't do that on yours? Interesting. Well, should you bring her?

You hurt perfume cologne pheromone. Oh, really? Because I got some. Yeah. She brought that on mine. Interesting. Yeah. So, anyway.

You guys can probably buy it, though. If you want. You hit the right spot inside. Like you're... You have a dick. You have a dick. I'm going to stop talking. We do have dick.

We do have dick. We all have dicks. clits are like dick It depends whether it forms into a penis Or if it goes on its journey as a clip No but like the click go inside It's an inside it's an inside It's an inside dick

It goes out like your click goes in And it's like this big It's like the clit is here Do you think girls compare like who has the biggest clit? Oh But it's inside It's inside That's why when you like put

You ever like put Go for it say it Say it all Nobody's listening. Like, do you ever like push on your... Clit? Not your clit. Do you ever push on your clit?

You guys ever, like, pushed you on your clip before? Cannot be the clip. That's the only clip. That's the only clip. It's the only clip. Make that the only clip. Do you guys ever push you on your clit? Okay. But like, no, like here.

Yeah. You like rub there. Can you get off? Are you getting sickly? That makes me pee if I push there. But like your inside penis is there. And if you like rub there. Where you have to pee?

Yeah. Literally. I swear I'm not making it out Google at Chatsy. I believe. Okay. I'm going to. My mom has like lectured me on like that kind of anatomy. Like the rubbing on.

on your tummy to get off. Not rubbing on your tummy to feel your clip boner. Your clip-boner. I swear. I swear. It works. Okay. How does it just makes all I feel is that I have to be.

Just try it. Just go home and try it. Is that how they make you squirt? Wait, okay. If you're using a clitoral. If you're using a clitoral stimulator on your clit. Then if you're using that and then the other hand, you rub. here.

Okay. Same time. It's like crazy. And I think it's because you're rubbing the iny dick. The iny dick. It's like severance. It sounds so cute. Yeah, but you'll just like try it and texting.

You know. While we're doing it, we're going to be texting you. Like, I like this. I got a big any dick. Oh my God. And it like swells up. It actually gets like hard too. Not, you can't, like, are you touching, like, where your bladder is?

Okay, have Susan the sexpert on your podcast. She's a sex expert. She was on diary of a CEO. I saw her on that. And I was like, oh, I need her on mine. Okay. She came on mine. Yeah, yeah.

She's like, this 62-year-old sex expert. And she's like, I've got a young pussy. And she's, like, 62. And she's in this, like, crazy open marriage. Like, she's like, I've got a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a husband. And they fill every hole. Oh. I know.

And I'm just like, okay. Like, it's intense. But I will say she is a sex expert. Like, she knows what's off. I'm not, I personally, I feel like I'm not mature enough for like that. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I don't know. I'm not mature enough for that. Right? Like, could you have an open marriage? Never. She could never. Could you? I honestly don't think so.

It's easier to say now because I'm not married or in whatever. In whatever? What do you mean? You're not in whatever? No, I'm not like in a serious. relationship. But a casual one? No, nothing. She was like, I was going for it.

I was trying to make it sound way more interesting. I was trying to do a thing. I was doing a thing. Jazz hands. I also don't know. I feel like I could do it. You could do it? I could absolutely do it.

Oh, you could do it, but then him being... He could not. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah. I feel like most women maybe feel how. I think most humans feel that way. Yeah. Because most men are like, I could do it, but you can't.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not equipped for it. There's a thing called compersion. And it's apparently it's the opposite of jealousy. And so that's, because I was like asking this woman, I was like, how the fuck do you not get pissed off when I was like, does? Because she was like, yeah, my husband has a girlfriend. And I was like, does his girlfriend sleep over at your house?

And she's like, sometimes she does. And I'm like, okay, like, how are you not so jealous of this other girl that's sleeping there? and then what? And she goes, I practice compersion. And it's like basically loving the fact that they're in love and just, you're just like, nope, no, absolutely not. Nope, not happening. Absolutely not.

I know. I have a slight version of that. What? I do. A slight version. Oh, I get annoyed if my husband doesn't find people attractive. I'll be like, tell me how, she's so pretty, right? And I'll be like, she's fine.

And I'll get angry. She'll go through a list. Because you know he's lying to you. No. He's not lying. He would not lie. I believe him. He's like the most unfiltered person.

Like spectrum level of truth, you know. No, but like I want him to find my friends attractive or a gorgeous woman. I'm like how beautiful. She'll go through every single friend. Because I like, I enjoy things, right? So if I enjoy something, I want you to enjoy it. So if you're even. in a burrito that is on the table and you don't enjoy it, I'm not going to have a good experience.

Yeah. I get that. It's going to bother me. And so if I see a beautiful woman, I'm like, reveling in her beauty or think she's hilarious or any of those things, I'm enjoying that. So I want him to enjoy it. That's kind of compersity. It's kind of compersiony. Yeah. Yeah. But he doesn't? No. Not all the time. I'm sure sometimes. He agrees. There's a mild amount of people that he will agree with me on. Really? Yeah. Do you think men have a type?

Yes. No. No? No. Interesting. No. You don't? No.

Do you? I mean, I don't know. I'm back and forth on it. Like the guy I'm seeing now, like his axes all kind of look the same. Yeah. Opposite of me. That's actually a good thing. Yeah.

It? Yeah. Why? Well, what are they, are they like tiny, short, little, dark-haired? Yeah. Just everything, just me opposite that. Just opposite me. Big old titty. No, not even that. Not even that, actually. Not that. But like, you know, darker skin and more petite or whatever. Just, you know, and that's fine. It's just like, I guess I don't have a type necessarily. So, but I just always wonder if men do. I think they have a type that they just initially probably look at and like there's like a consistency. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I make him break it down for me. Because I'll show him people and he'll be like, nope.

And I'm like, why? Yeah. But could you pick out someone and be. 100%. Yeah. And I'm right. Like we had a girl on that we've now become friends with. And I liked her so much when we first came on.

I liked her so much. I was like, and she was single at the time. I was like, I wish I could set you up with my husband because he would like, What are you talking about? Amanda Klutz. Remember? I was like, that's Jeff's type. One time in our relationship, we were looking through something recently, and it was her.

And he goes, who's that? And I was like, I knew it. And what, does she look like you? Nothing like me. No. Tall, blonde, beautiful. Yeah. But then so, does that not trip you out?

That that, well, I guess, because it. he doesn't have a type, he finds different types of women attractive. That's just one brand. She is the kind of girl I pictured in my head when I first met him and he had an ex-fiancee and he's like, my ex-fiancee. In my mind, it was a girl that looked like that. Okay. But then I met his ex-fiance and I was like, that's not, that doesn't fit. Okay. Okay. All right. I mean, I don't. Do you think men have types, Kevin? Kevin, what's your type? Yeah, what's your type? I don't really have a type. See?

It's just attractive people and attractive personalities. Yeah. Yeah. Sense of humor. That makes sense. Sense of humor, definitely. Yeah. Makes sense.

But I do have friends that have types. Like, I went to a birthday party and saw someone and I was like, oh, my friend would really like her. And then my friend came to the party and just beeline right to her and was like, hey, what's up? How's it going? Right. So I do think some guys definitely have types.

Yeah. Don't you ever feel when you're a guy's type? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yes, I do. And then sometimes, you know. But then I think, I think, like you said, some men do, some men don't. So, yeah. I don't know. It's interesting. You don't feel like you're a man's certain type sometimes? I don't know. I don't know. You're such a type, too. What type is that? Like the tiny little brunette, like girl neck. store like when I first met Jeff and he saw you he was like I had a huge I could have told you he had a huge

I can't find my words I crushed on you in what was it? What was that thing? The last kiss not OC He was like oh I loved her in the last kiss I liked that he said that one me too it makes me so happy

that's so nice what about a sense of humor though because you're so funny like what about that when you are with a dude Oh, they have to be funnier. It's a fucking deal breaker. They could be, they could have check all the boxes if they're not funny or like don't have a sense of humor. Like they don't have to be a stand-up. Right.

In fact, Helmo to that. I actually watched that clip of the girl who talked about that killed me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So imagine a guy who gets zero attention. I was dying. And then. But it's, yeah, that's so true. Like, oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no. But yeah, there was this guy, like, after I separated from my ex, I remember, because I never, I've never been on the apps ever. And, like, I'm fascinated because I feel like I live in the past, you know? It's like I was married for a decade. I come out and, like, everyone's on these apps and I'm like, what are they? How do they work, you know? And, like, I just, but then I'm also, like, I was just nervous to get on. I think I wasn't ready and just, I don't know.

It just, whatever. It's a thing. Yeah, but so, so I was just at, I was just going to coffee shop. I love to go to coffee shops and just write and just be around people, you know. Especially in L.A., it just gives you a sense of community. It's just be around people, you know? Yeah. And so I was at this coffee shop and this, like, really hot guy was sitting there with his dog.

And I was just like, I like, I like, I like your dog, you know. So yeah, like, I like water. I love water. I'm just saying. But, you know, they say, like, women actually kind of do make the first move in a weird way often. Like, have you ever heard the drop the scarf thing? No, please tell. Okay, so I think it was in the 1920s.

Women would drop scarves when they were interested in a man to let them know to signal. Yeah. And then they dropped the scarf. And then if the man picked it up, then that was the sort of. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, I sort of dropped the scarf by just like saying, oh, cute dog. Yeah.

You give a shit about his dog. Yeah. Right. You're like he's cute. Didn't they do something like that in the legally blonde where they drop the thing and then you have to bend over and pick it up? That's just your move. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Same, same, same.

It's not like signaling for him to, yeah. I like your dog. All right. Yeah, I like your dog. And then we like just started chatting, you know, and then he asked me to go to lunch or something like that. Hold on, slow down. Okay. All in one coffee trip.

Just the one sitting? Yeah, like he asked me to, he asked me to, he asked me out. Yeah, basically. How long were you talking about? Before he asked you out. I think he asked me out that day. You said I like your dog and he's like, well, you go out with me. We should hang out or something.

Oh, sorry, how long in that session? It was probably like 20 minutes of, like, talking. Yeah, just talking. And I can't even remember at this point what we were talking about, probably dogs. And, you know, and like, yeah, I don't know, just small talk. And then he, yeah, and then he asked me out, and it was, again, very strange because I had been in this 11-year relationship, 10-year marriage, and then I come out. And so I'm awkward, and it's just a weird feeling, you know. And I remember I was just really nervous and we sat.

And then he just, dude, he just kept quoting Anchorman. The whole time. The whole time. Yo, I was fucking out. And then, yeah, great family, great relationship with mom and dad. Solid job. Six foot two. Muscles, anchor man.

I can't get past it. No. No. And then, Borat. I was going to say, that was going to be. I was like, it's almost as if someone just quoted Borat. That's right. I'm not kidding you.

What was his name? What kind of dog was it? I'm just kidding. It was a big one. Okay. I don't even know what kind of felt like muddy, big. No. He didn't quote.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, he did. Yes, he did. And just. I was going to say Anchorman isn't as bad as if you were going to say Borat. Mm-hmm. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

And then it like kind of came out that because he, I liked it. He had a normal job. Like he owned a vitamin company and I was like, cool. Oh, God. Does that not sound like somebody? You guys. You guys, he owned a vitamin company, but wait, it gets worse. Please.

So shitty-ass anchorman quotes, okay? And that's just like drying me up so hard. Yeah. So hard. You're in any. And I'm just like I can't. And then just he would just be obnoxious. Like his jokes weren't funny.

And then I thought to myself, well, there's got to be a girl out there who's like, he's hilarious, you know? Just maybe. No. But like you could argue that comedy's subjective and like there's some person out there that's like hilarious. Yeah, I think actually, right? I don't know. Right?

It's like I don't know. Yes, I guess. You think this song is horrible. This person loves this song. And so it's the same kind of thing. I don't know or maybe not. But so there's that. And I had told them that I like made content for a living and now I have to specify.

If people are like, what are you doing? I'm like, content creator. And they're like, really? And I'm like, like comedy. Yeah. Like I'm not, isn't that fucked up? Yeah. People just assume Only fans.

Right. Yeah. Where, what world are we living in? Do you guys remember when like porn you like weren't a porn star? Do you remember that when everyone just like wasn't fucking on camera? I don't remember that. We had someone from Only Fan on. And we just went through this whole thing about it.

It's like a thing. Yeah. She's the girl that slept. with 583 dudes in six hours. I'm hospitalized. Bitch. I'm sick. Because I feel it.

You feel it's 533 dicks. Do you know what I mean when you say something and you go, oh. Yeah. Horrible. How's she doing? She's fantastic. Fantastic, apparently. Well, that's the thing is we had her on thinking we were going to get to the humanity of it and like what that experience was like.

And what was it like? There was no. She enjoyed it. Okay. Yeah, there was no sign of remorse or anything at all. So you say you're a content creator. So say I'm a content creator. So I'm a contact creator.

Oh, see ADHD. Yeah. This is it. I'm with you. I was all over. I went. I was right there. Yep.

Okay. So yeah. Say I'm a contact creator. Oh, yeah. Make comedy. So I do mention that. So then he's like really whining and dining me. Like just like pulling out all the stops, flowers.

nice dinners, being a gentleman, opening the door, the car door, like not trying to fuck me right away, all of it, right? And I'm just like, wow. And then he tells me more about, I'm like the second day, because at this point, I'm like, even with the Anchorman stuff, I'm like trying to so hard to look past it. Because he's hot? Yeah, because he's, he's attractive. He's successful. He's... You said six, too. I mean. Yeah. He's got a good family. Like, he's a kind. He's got a good heart. So I'm like, wow, there's all these green flags.

And I'm just trying to get myself out there because I've been, you know? Yeah. So this is the first time. Like I said, I'm not on the apps. Like, so, okay, this guy is trying and he's, so what? He makes bad jokes and I have to go. I hate that. Courtesy laugh.

You know what the thing is about you? You feel like what you do publicly is who we are privately. Oh. You didn't talk about everything. We're closeted assholes. Yeah, we hide it. We hide it. But in private.

I'm you guys in private. Yes. Yeah. I'm you guys in private just talking about my any dick. You're any dick. Yeah. So like anyway. So then, fucking, where was I?

So then, oh, yeah. Vining, dining. Green flag. Wine and I'm looking past the shodogues, whatever. And then he starts like, oh, you know, I want to tell you more about my vitamins. Okay. So they're basically these natural vitamins where if you take them, they enhance your breasts, but naturally. And he goes, I think, you know, would you be interested?

Yeah. And I'm just like, wow, what? Like, wow. But also, at the time, I was like, you know, maybe I would like slightly bigger titty. It's like, maybe I would. Maybe I'll try it. Yeah. Yeah, like I was like sort of offended that he was like, you would benefit from that.

But I know, right? But then also I was like kind of intrigued. And I'm like, oh, I want to see if it works. Yeah. Like I'm too much of a pussy to get breast implants. And like, also I don't want it that much. right right and so okay let me like try these i guess so he starts so he brings over like a bunch of these breast enhancement natural supplements weird it's so weird it's so weird okay then i start taking

it then he starts texting me every morning every morning every morning every morning reminding me you know so weird So I'm like, okay, and then my dumbass isn't like connecting the dots of what's really going on here. Okay. He wants a collab. He's using me. Yeah. You're his child.

Like you're his girl. Right? Yes. So he's whining and dining and pulling out all the stops because he wants me to fucking promote his titty pills. He's love bombing you just for his fucking tit vitamin. That's diabolical. After 30 days, he's like, do you see any improvement? Right?

Bitch, no, I don't. There's still mosquito bites. Okay. Your shit doesn't even work. Did you take it every day? Yeah, pretty much. And you told him after 30 days, nothing happened. Yeah, I said it didn't work.

He goes, you got to keep trying, you got to keep trying. Then I think around the 60 day mark, he, and we had only gone out a couple times at this point. Because, like, again, the jokes were so unbearable that, like, we didn't even kiss nothing. I was going to say, did you hook up? No, no. No, didn't kiss nothing. He, like, hooked arms with me when we walked to dinner. That was, like, the extent.

He hooked arms with you? You know? Yeah. I don't, I don't, I can, I have no word. Out of everything you have said, that. You know the arm? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. He hooked arms. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Sorry, continue. We hooked arms. I'm not bragging, but we hooked arms. That's Leah.

Leah. Isn't it? Yes. Yeah, we totally hooked arms. But whatever. Anyway. But yeah. So then he's like, do you want to post about it on Instagram?

You know, like that? Like just like ask me to like promote his right. Right. And it's like, oh. So, you know, that was that guy. That was it? That was it. And then you were just like, it didn't work.

No. I'm done. I like randomly see him. Like I've seen him once or twice. Like around the neighborhood. Yeah, just like around the neighborhood. No. Do you talk?

Does he hook arms? Have you seen him with a girl? We didn't hook arms. Oh, I saw him with a girl once. Yeah. And her tits big. Dude. And then his true colors came out because he started, like, after it was so clear.

Like, he asked me to go to dinner like five more times. I ghosted him, no, no, no. Because it was so clear, you're just trying to use me. And honestly, I'm starting to see that a lot of men operate that way. They're like, what can you give me? How I'm, you're an asset to me. So I'm going to do whatever I have to do and say whatever I have to say for you to benefit me. And I don't think all men are like that.

That's not all men. But I just feel like a lot of men is, What I'm seeing are wired that way. And it's kind of fucked. And so women need to be careful. It's also because of what you hold. Yeah. You do have a different position than on a lot of women, right?

So you have access to what people are trying to gather, which is attention and followers. Yes. So you're going to attract the kind of people that are looking for that. But I just think women are such goddesses and like just a woman being next to a man provides him so. so much value and so much status in the world. There's a statistic out that says married men are happier and single women are happier.

Married men do better, earn more and are happier. Married women aren't as happy and earn less. Single women earn more and are happier. What the fuck is that about? Happiest subgroup is single women with no children. Yeah. That's when you're really happy. Yeah.

True. There's a book I'm listening to as mothers of daughters. I don't know. I find it interesting. It's called The Heroin's Journey. And it talks a lot about the feminine wounds. And like mother wounds and daughter wounds and femininity. And it's really an interesting read, side note.

Yeah. I like it. Oh, I need to read a book because I'm just dumb right now. I'm listening to it. But still, it's interesting about that kind of. relationship women have with men and how they enhance their life. And how they enhance their lives. Yes.

It's true. I know. But I think women are just naturally, we're more social. We have good relationships. Whereas men, not all the time, but a lot of men I know in my life, like struggle to have friends and value their social circles. And so they depend so much on that woman for so many things, whereas we, have more support, I think, in other places? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think for sure.

I think 100%. I always tell my husband, go go have friends. Yeah. He doesn't want any friends. He just wants her. Yeah, he's like, you're my friend. Yeah. I'm like, but it's healthy for you to like go. That's a lot of pressure on you. Yeah, well, I'm like, I'm going with my. Divorce. Divorce. What did you say? Divorce. Divorce. It's like that newly divorced friends. It's just like divorce. Well, you know divorce is contagious, right? I know. You should stay away from me.

But it really actually statistically is contagious. I've heard that. Wait, tell me more. That's all I know. Well, yeah, I heard that. Like, you're more likely to get a divorce. Well, one of my best friends is going through a divorce and she was, we were hanging out all the time.

But this motherfucker was super abusive, narcissistic, raging, screaming in her face, horrible, gross. So it's like, but her, I think. think her being around me and seeing me leave something bad gave her some courage or you know yeah yeah feel like she can do it and gives her the strength totally like find it in herself yeah whereas if i was like staying in it maybe she would have who knows right but i i think it is a little contagious right yeah and that's not a negative thing like sometimes it's a good thing it gives people yeah yeah the permission to be like wait a minute am i happy yeah happy who's happy yeah So anyway, just to wrap up on vitamin guy, he was such a gentleman, right, because he wanted something. And then when after I, like, ghosted him, he sort of opened up to me another time I just had randomly bumped into him about, like, this girl he was seeing and he was like, yeah. And I said I wanted to, you know, fuck other girls and she was pissed about it, but I didn't care. Like, it was just like this very... What was his name? Are we allowed to ask? I'll tell you after. But, like, it was just...

I was like, who are you? It was like the mask came off and he was just talking in this horrific, misogynistic way about... You're like, oh, the door opening and the flowers and the this and the that. And it was all calculated. That's what I'm saying. Crazy. Well, it is either to get laid anyways. Are you, like, because you're dating, obviously, you know, single mom, whatever.

Yeah. I have found, like, I'm kind of flabbergasted that, like, I've experienced love bombing shit a couple of times. Like, never before. I mean, I know I was young when I got like, you just like you into relationships. It is insane. Is it like, so you're experiencing it more now? Yeah. Oh, yeah. 100%. But now like you can like call, you're like, okay, you know? You see it, you spot it. Yes. But then you still kind of want to believe some stuff sometimes. Like, they can't all be like that. You know what I mean? And they all aren't. But, it's just interesting. And then do you find like what is the love bombing for you? Because like how many

months is it? Is there a pattern the times that it's happened to you? Not a pattern. I mean, I don't like date often. Yeah. I don't leave my house. Yeah. Same. So, you know, I don't even like want to date. You know what mean? Yes. So, but there's been like two instances in particular. And they were completely different, but still so insane. Like insane, right? Yeah. Yeah. What would be, what would you say would be the signs? I cannot. I cannot. Like, what are the signs? What are the signs? Yeah. You probably know them I mean, I'll tell you one. Yeah, please. Okay, so that happened. And then another time I went to fucking Vegas for work. to film something, and I meet this other creator, and he fully is just laying it on. Just, I will wake you up every morning with breakfast in bed and then take your kids to school.

What? Within like 10 minutes. Okay, well, that right there is the first red flag. That sounds great. But it, but. Would you say that sounds great? Sounds great. Okay, but like all so psychotic. Yeah.

Yeah, within the first 10 minutes. Yeah, it was just so crazy. It's the quick, like, commitment. Like, one dude, like, I'm moving right where, like, yeah, I'm going to live, like, right in your neighborhood. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. That is, it's when they come on that quick, that thick. But doesn't know.

And then the switch up. Yeah. Yeah. And then the switch up. Yeah. Like, what? Yeah. You were just obsessed with me yesterday.

Like, what? You know, that's a very strange thing, too. Like, something flips in them. It's interesting, like, how many dudes are like that, it seems, right? Is it in the water? Is it the estrogen in the water? It's something. We think it's worse now. I don't know because I didn't date before. Yeah, I don't know. I just feel, I do feel like dating apps, probably social media, all this exposure to these, like, perfect airbrushed women all the time. And you just think your limits are, or you think your options are.

Endless. Endless. Yeah. And so I'm sure that has to do with it. But why would that make someone love bomb? Wouldn't that make them be like, let me see how I feel about you, call you later? Yeah. Like, why love bomb?

What do you think guys get out of it? I do when they do that. Yeah, laid. They just want to have sex and they'll do and say anything. I mean, I'm going to sleep with them anyways. Yeah. Why do you have to say all that? Yeah.

You don't even, like, be mean. sleep with you quicker. They have these videos that are like things people say right before getting ghosted. And it's like, oh, I can't wait for you to meet my mom. Yes. Or like. Oh, yeah, the meet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You sound so good with my last name. Yeah. But that, I'm sorry. I think that's like, if I ever hear that come out of a dude's mouth and you've been dating for like a second, you just know. Well, now we're ultra sensitive. They're like, I think you're really pretty. We're like, whoa.

Like, fuck you. What is you doing? Like if you see a red flag, are you good at ending cutting or? No. Right? I know. It's a carnival. Yeah.

Well, I'm not leaving my house. You know, so like if they're standing on and whatever, I don't actually go anywhere. Yeah. But what do you do with red flags? Yeah. What do you do? Do you actually like cut it off? No.

I paint them green. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah. Or just. Yeah, I mean. Convinced that like, no, or like maybe not even a red flag in the love bomby kind of way. Or like an addict or someone with, you know, mental issue.

Whatever it is, are you the type of person that's like, I can fix this? Yeah, I mean, so, okay, so left that relationship, which it's funny now looking back at my marriage. And again, I don't regret it. There was so much good. We just had so much fun in the world. We made two amazing kids. Like, there was so much. So I'll just never be the type that's like, I don't get it.

But looking back, like, dude, there were flags that 24-year-old newly sober me did not see it at all, at all. And then so, yeah, there's the bad jokes guy, saw that. And then truly about a few months later, I met another fucking coffee shop. Oh, girl. I was a word of you. I'm telling you. And I mean, and this guy looks at me, he's like, I like your sweater. And I was like, thank you.

And then we ended up talking. for like an hour and we've literally been dating for two years now. Oh shit. What? What? Wait, that's the store. No. Way to bury the lead. Two years. What sweater was it? Come on. It was a Stella McCartney one. So I'll do like one nice sweater a year. Like one nice sweater. I actually haven't got my one nice sweater. I did like five cheap ones, you know? Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, you've been with him for two years. You don't need a nice sweater. I guess so. But, yeah.

Even that. So, like, we were, like, friends first. So we met, we, we, he asked me to dinner. We had dinner. Again, for, like, the first month, we were just hanging out in France and then it sort of progressed. But, again, like, it's been two years. And he doesn't live with me, you know, he stays over maybe a couple times a week. There was a period early on when you're in that honeymoon, like, oh, my God, where I feel like we were together a lot. And it was just so. intense, you know, that intense, passionate shit. I'm like, oh, my God. And then I kind of calm down the, like, drug, love drug war off. And now I'm like, I don't know, I'm just taking it very slow. I just, I truly do not know that I ever want to get married again. I don't think I want to have more kids, you know, whereas he does want to get married. He does want to have a baby. So there's these, like, big things where I'm just like, well, do you feel like there's a a little part of you that's a little open to that stuff. Maybe ever so slightly, but to be honest, I think you need to be 100%. If you want another baby, if you want to raise another human,

I know, it's a lot. You can't like kind of sort of want to raise a human. Right. It's a lot of work. And you're at four and six. So you're kind of like through the baby stuff, right? So much easier now. Yeah. Wait till 10. I mean, it gets so much easier. So you have to be sure you want to go back, you know. Is he young? He's five years younger than me. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's the hard part is when they want it and you don't know. You know, I know. So we're kind of just taking it day by day. I'm decenturing men, prioritizing my friendships, my kids, my creativity, my program. Like, that is when I feel the best, to be honest. Right. And that's why he's in. own relationships. Like, you know. Yeah.

But that's why he's in. Probably. Because you're prioritizing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. It's like the more distant I get, the more like obsessed he is. That's the law of the universe.

It's so weird. Put something else is your higher power and then they magnetized to you. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Every time. Yeah. You're like, I don't need you.

They're like, I want to be here. I know. I don't know. Just in general, you know. There's a lot to not know in this world. I'm so happy. Like, I love living with my kids and I. Like, we have so much fun.

We just jump in the pool every day. Do you jump in the pool every fucking day? I mean, since it's been warm. I know. Does your hair dry naturally, like, fine? Like, it's pretty. No. It's straight.

Well, it's super wavy. It's actually wavy and kind of big and frizzy. I mean, it prevents me from jumping. Me too. That aspect. So you got to put the oil in before. But then you have to wash it and blow trying to oil. I don't know.

That's just what I heard. I don't do it. No, you got to jump in the pool. I do. I went in yesterday, to be honest. Jump in the fucking pool. I jump in the pool. Jump in the pool.

I just put my hair up. You got to jump in the pool. I jumped in a freezing pool, no heater. Ew. You jumped in the pool yesterday? Yesterday? Why would you do that? Because my little boy wanted to go in and he's so cute.

How old are they? Six and nine. Yeah. You know, and he's got me in a stranglehold. He really does. I'm whooped. Oh. So when he wants to go in the pool, I'm like, fuck.

I love that. You know? Yeah. It was cold. Yeah. It was really cold. Yeah, that sounds horrible. Apparently, like, cold plunges aren't good for women.

That's what I hear. What? Yeah. Not for women. That's great names for me. That's why we all were repulsed by the idea. I was like, ew. I feel like everyone was like, no. It turns out it's not good for us. I like a sauna. I don't like being cold. I know. I hate cold water. Yeah. She hates water. I hate, I told you. I don't, I'm not a big fan of water. No, I don't. Rachel hates water. I fucking hate water. Fuck you water. Yeah. No, I'm just not, I don't like cold water. It's hard for me to jump into cold water. You know, agreed. But I'll do it. Funny? Is he funny? He's funny. He's funny. Like, he's not a comedian. He's, of course, a musician. Shut up. But like a tech nerd, too. He has a tech nerd job. You know, like I like that too. I was like, ooh, normal. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But also just happens to play. So he's like artistic. Yeah, but he has the artistic side. Yeah. And he's funny. Yeah, he's funny. Yeah, he's funny. He's funny and sweet. And he's so good with the kids, you know.

So that's all good. It's all good. I'm just taking it day by day. Yeah. You know? I'm just like not in fairy tale land anymore. Right. About it. You know? Right. It's just not the, it used to be the answer for me. I felt like finding the guy was the answer and like having that. No, it's so not. And I feel like we're in this culture so obsessed with romantic love. And we prioritize romantic love when there's so many different types of love. There's platonic love, family love, you know, community, there's just so many different types of love. And it seems like all we value is romantic. I agree. Agreed. Right? Yeah. We talk about that all the time.

What? No. What were going to say? I was just saying as friends. Oh, yeah. It's so much more. My friendships are my relationships. You know what I mean?

Like, I don't prioritize romantic love in any. It's like you get older. You get set in your ways like you with your kids, like me with my kid. Like, nothing else matters. I know. I know. And there's no, like, weird ups and downs with your friends, right? Like, it's just awesome and supportive for the most part.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so. And you can rub your own inner clit. Totally. Yes, you can. Oh, shit. Yes, you freaking can.

It's fine. You can do that. Yeah. And I think you're any. Dick. What do you call it? You're any dick. Any dick.

Any dick is way better than innerclit. Any dick. Any dick. Any dick. Any dick. Yeah. Yeah. Any deck? Mini deck? Any dick? You guys ever had a microdeck?

No. I feel very grateful. Have you? I know. Once. You have. How was it? Like someone died. You're like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It was jarring, to be honest. But it's, you know, it's such a small, I think it's like one percent of men have, like, true microdecks. And it was like literally like. No. Did he warn you?

Not even a full pinky. Yeah, it's like truly, it's like a clip. It's a clit. Yeah, I was going to say. Did he warn you? No, no. Oh, so surprised. Was he, how was his behavior before the reveal?

It was really funny. This was like actually, this was pre-marriage. Yeah. And we were friends first. And apparently that can be a sign when a guy wants to be your friend. Did they have a micro? I'm not. I knew it.

I'm not kidding. Like, they want to, like, get you in other ways attached and then reveal the micro penis. So he didn't say anything. You just, you just one day reached. Yeah, and then he was like, like. Wait, but like how was it? Yeah. When did you discover it?

Yeah. I think it was because we were actually, oh, I can't even. I will not say details because, you know, obviously. Of course. But we were, are you still friends with him? No. Okay. No. No. But basically we were hanging out a lot and just friendly, but liked each other, super smart and bunny and da-da. And then, yeah, it was probably like, I don't know, two months into we were dating but hadn't had sex. Right. Made out, whatever. And then yeah. And then it just happened. And I was like, you know. And then I was like, is it in? And he was like, yeah.

And I was like, all right. And then that was it. And then he like came. And that was it. Yeah, and then I never. It was one and done. One and done. And did you talk about it?

No. It was just like. Absolutely not. No. What am I going to say? Yeah, what are you going to say? What the fuck am I going to say? No, but I mean, did he try and hang out after or anything?

I can't date your clit dick ass. I'm not going to say that. No. Yeah. I was like, this isn't working out. That was it. We were young. I know, but I feel bad.

Early 20s. How many times do you think that's happened to him, you know? Right. That sucks. But, you know, here's what I'll say about that. Please. Okay. If you've got a micro dick out there and you're watching, you got to get good with your fingers, your tongue, you know, you're...

You got to get... I love that. It's like a lesson. You got to get good with all the... All of it, you know, you got to really master the vagina if you're not working with that. Bring in toys even. There you go. You got to do what you got to do.

Like own it and just. Own it and get her off. Because if he had like went down on me and like made me come a few times or just once. Sure. Maybe you would have revisited. Totally. Yes. Got it.

You're like we can figure this out. 100%. Right. Yeah. So there's a responsibility that comes with. I think so. PSA. Responsibility that comes with the microdeck, yeah.

I actually think that's proper. Right? Yeah. I mean, you should have, you should do that with a normal deck too. Right. Make sure. Right. Make sure you, yeah.

Unless you've got a magic dick. And it's like, you know. Have you had a magic dick? I don't know. No. Yeah. I like sex. There's never been one that's like, oh, you know.

Or so. Yeah. Like, yeah, have you had a magic dick? Yeah. Yeah? I mean, like. And did it keep you in something you knew you shouldn't have been in? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay, that's true. That is real. Yeah. Dude. That's a real magic dick. Oh, my God. And it keeps you.

And they may know it, don't they? Fuck, yeah, they do. Oh, yeah, they do. They fucking know they got the magic dick. They do. They got the magic stick, like 50 cent once a. That's right. I wonder if he does.

Who? Fitty. 50. Oh. 50. 50. No, no, no, I'm sorry. I said 50. That sounds horrible. It's Fitty. Yeah. 50. Do you? I saw Fitty sent once driving in a car.

Okay. We parked next, or we were, we stopped at a red light. I was driving. My friend was in the passenger seat and he's screen. He's in some stupid sports car. And he looks at my friend. He goes, you got pretty eyes. And then I literally go, what about my eyes? Are my eyes pretty? And he's like, yeah. And then drives off. Your eyes are pretty. Thank you so much. They are very pretty. Thank you so much. And you didn't need to ask that. No, I know.

Like, it should have been offered to you. But I just thought, like, I actually thought it was a fun. No, it is funny. You know, like, I wasn't fully attention seeking. I was also like, that's it. Like, I was being funny. I was being funny to Fitty. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I was being funny to Fitty. So what made you? Quick question. Yeah. Let's see if you can unpack it really quick. Okay.

This is a thing that there's typically a disconnect between really pretty girls and being funny, right? So it's more of a unicorn when you have a really pretty girl that's very funny. What broke you to the point where you became funny? That's so funny. I know, right? Because why? It doesn't make sense. Like, why are you funny?

You're too pretty to be funny. Yeah. I think, thank you for saying that. I once had a boyfriend say you're funnier. you are pretty. And I actually took that. That was a compliment. Yes. I was like, thank you so much. But I actually, like, it could be, I was actually thinking birth order as a part of it. Like, I'm the youngest. And I do feel like there's some truth that, like, have you guys ever read about birth orders? Yes. Right? And you feel like your birth order meets the personality type of that order?

100%. I don't know enough about it. What's your... Well, mine's a little tricky. A little tricky. But I am... I grew up to a young. Younger sister, I am very tricky. I was the younger sister, so I was like the baby growing up. Yeah. But then my dad, like, remarried, so I have much younger sisters. So I don't think it's different. See, it's different for her.

Okay, so for me, baby, so I was always, I was just always the clown and just, I was so goofy as a little kid. And I just remember from a very young age, being the funny girl in my friend group. and just making the kids laugh and loving that and then I realized very young at like eight I was like oh I'm funny okay so I need to figure out how to do this for a living I should probably write Lauren Michaels and let him know and I'm eight years old I swear to God I wrote Lauren Michaels maybe nine eight nine dear Lauren Michaels I am really funny and I think I can make your show so great so I'll see you soon or in the future or whatever like that sent that to That's amazing.

Never wrote back. What the fuck? Yeah. But it was like one of those things where I just like knew at a young age that I was good at it. And so I think it's kind of like, you know, you can either sing or you can't. Like I don't think you can teach someone to be Beyonce. You can get voice lessons and maybe be a little better, but you can either sing or you can't. I think that's about funny too.

I think you're either funny or you know. I either have a funny bone or you don't. You can't teach someone to be funny. Not really. No. Right? Not really. You can see it when it's mathematical.

Yeah. You're like, I get it. You learn to do that. And then I think like my parents influence that. Like my dad is unintentionally funny. He's like, I like to describe him as like Kramer from Seinfeld, but drunk and not racist. That's like my dad. He's just like, he walks in the room and he's like, yeah.

Like that. Just like, he's like six foot four and lanky and just like what? You know, like he and you're just laughing, but he's not meaning to be funny. Right. So I have a bit of that. And then. my mom is a storyteller. She's just funny Irish storyteller. And so I think I learned how to, yeah, tell funny stories from her. So I think it's a big old mixture. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think. I think I was

born a little goofball clown. But maybe if I was the oldest, I wouldn't have been. My oldest sister's high school math teacher. Maybe I would have been that. Yeah. I don't think so. I don't think so. What's your birth order? The youngest. Youngest? Yeah. And your entertainer and extroverted. I'm definitely the youngest. Yeah. Right? It's funny like you're the youngest slash super oldest. I'm the oldest. She's, she's, you are. No, I have an older brother. She's actually the oldest, even though she's the youngest. Yeah. Oh, like you actually... She's the most grown up.

Really? Yeah. How did you guys meet? Growing up. Oh, cute. Yeah. Yeah. That's really nice.

You guys grew up here? Yeah. Yeah. Wait, what? Why is that funny? Is that funny? We're just like... Am I, see?

This is why I got in a comedy. She's like, I'll just be like, Oh, because I'm interviewing like you guys. We're just sitting here like what's... So where did you guys go out? Yeah. Tell me, what was it like? I can't.

Oh, my God. If you guys ever gotten into a conflict or an argument? And how did you recover? We don't find out. All right, I'll shut up. Ask me something. No, no. No, I feel like I'm stoned right now.

Welcome right now to my podcast. I'm interviewing Rachel and Olivia. And we're learning more about who they are as people. Oh, my God. Nobody wants to know. You know, they really don't. But you are amazing. My favorite was the clip she showed me the other day and then it just cuts to you and your legs are like wrapped around your head.

Wait, which one is that? That's a bizarre. You're like, I do that all the time. It like cuts back and forth. Like you, you, and then all of a sudden, your legs are wrapped around your. Oh, that was okay. Yeah, we had done a few different people pleaser ones. You guys are so good.

Yeah, so good. It's so fucking good. I know I need to get back and I haven't made a comedy sketch in a little bit. Like it's been like a month or something. It's just been so fucking serious. It's so hard to be funny. You need to be funny. I know.

Like I just need to be funny right now. You can't fuck with that. Everyone needs funny right now. Right? Especially when shit is crazy. Yes. So we're encouraging you. I need to make restraining order comedy.

Oh my God. That's what everyone needs to. Everyone can relate. stepping on people dying. Everyone can relate, right? Everyone can relate with that. Yeah. Right?

Yes. Right? I know. Thank you. You're encouraging me to get back and make silly goofy stuff. Will you please do that? Yeah, please do it. A lot of it.

Will you come back here and talk to us more? Oh, I would love that. And come on my podcast too. Yeah. We're going to keep this going. I love it. Oh, I never mind. No, I was going to say once we end it.

My address is. I was going to ask you your address. but I'll wait until we stop recording. And then we're also going to hear who the vitamin guy was. Yeah, sorry, guys. We got to let you go. Okay, we're done with that. Bye.

You guys, I saw Wicked in New York. Whoa. It's the best. How was it? I cry. I cannot watch a musical and not cry. I cried. I loved it so much. It's so good.

It's so good. I know. this is a stupid uh i wouldn't even say hot take it's just an obvious opinion but i feel like every time i see a musical i just can't get over how insanely talented the performers are most of it it's like yeah the story's fun and the stage design and the production and stuff is really cool when they start singing as like a musical guy i'm like this is so genuinely impressive sometimes i'll lean over to lea and be like that's really impressive and she's like like, yeah, it's a musical.

Like, they're really good. Yeah. Yeah. It's so impressive. It's so impressive. And I'm sure wicked, too. They're all, oh, my God. All the stars.

Yeah. It's the next level. It's just the songs. I'm going to go see Ariana do it. What? Should you do the play? I don't know. I just want to see it.

You guys, you know how I know that my son has good. taste. He likes Seas Candy? No. He watches these weird sitcoms. They're not weird. He watches sitcoms. They're not sitcoms, whatever they are. They're like kids shows, you know?

And I said, why do you like those shows? What is it about them? And he goes, takes his hands and puts them together. And he goes, the girls. And this is Shepherd. This is the little one. I said, excuse me? Yeah. And he goes, he kept just going, I like cat. I like cat.

like cat. Well, Kat's Ariana Grande. And I'm like, of course you do. Oh, he's watching victorious. Yeah. It's his favorite show. We've been there. Yeah. And he also watches Sam and Kat.

He watches all Ariana Grande all day. That's amazing. Of course he does. I would make a bunch of huge statements when my sisters were watching, like, Lizzie McGuire, just to like my whole family of like, I just, I'm not watching this because, like, I want to watch a girl show, but like, Boy Meets World just ended. So, like, I'm just, they're watching it. So I'm just here just because the show that I liked was over.

A lot of that. You love it. I love those shows, though. Me too. They're cute. You know, I love, live and Maddie is, like, my favorite. Who's in that one again? Dove Cameron.

It's the best. Okay. Yeah. I like all of those shows. Yeah. I always have. Yeah, it's fun because they get into shows that you like watch with them. Although, you know, I love a Bluey, you guys.

Love Bluie. Yeah, Bluey Rocks. Bluey. It's fun. Our niece and nephew were here last year. And I also like that they're like 10-minute episodes. And then all of a sudden it was like, wow, we watch seven episodes of Bluey. Yeah, I know.

They go so fast. It's really nice. I'm like, okay, one show before bed, it's seven minutes long. Yeah. My kids never got into it. It's really cute. Yeah, they're sweet. Shepard skipped the whole cute thing.

Yeah, he went from like die hard to Ariana Grande. To girls. Yeah. Violence and chicks, man. What a badass. There's another lightning strike. I know. I saw it.

Was it? Yeah. Yeah. What's spooky? Wow. Mm-hmm. Lightning in my tower. I learned so much you guys yesterday

Like the history Briar learned so much yesterday The history of London From England You do some tours George his name was George He was very informative Breyer can tell you all about

King Charles I first King Charles the second Henry the 8th and his six wives She has a whole rhyme for it She can tell you about them Anyway He had six wives Yeah, 100 days. And there's a musical called The Six that I really want to see that's supposed to be great about his six wives.

How do you feel about that? Well, they weren't the same time. Oh. No. Dvorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived. Why were they beheaded? Well, Anne Boleyn, who's, you've heard of her, right? She's like probably the most famous. of his wife, so it would say her name. He thought she was cheating on him.

So he had her head cut off. Yeah. And I think he had one wife. I think he had, he divorced one wife because he didn't like her face. That sounds like an actual reason to divorce someone. We don't know what her face looks like, so he could have a good friend. No, I'm just kidding. But like, if you're like looking at their face in a day, I just don't like their face.

It's a long time to look at someone's face. Yeah. Like I've been with people where I'm like, I just don't, not the face. I know. I would always die over that. I saw a savage TikTok that I don't know if it's true because the story is so insane, but a woman said I learned that my husband or her boyfriend was cheating on her and he was like on the apps and she made a fake account matched with him,

set up a place for them to meet. And then he like went there and was like, where are you? And then she said, oh, I'm not, I don't like how you look. Never mind and like canceled on him. And then he came home. And then she like the actual girlfriend broke up with him and said, I'm just not attracted to you anymore. Whoa.

Wow. Pretty hard. Pretty savage. Yeah. It's just your face. It's the face thing that's not working. It's just not working. Do you want to know one other funny fact really quick?

Sorry, that we learned yesterday. So, like, we were standing in the square where lots of executions happened. And there was one guy who was the illegitimate son of King Charles II who was going to be executed. And the executioner was a part-time executioner, part-time butcher. Freelance. So he kept going to, like, execute. execute him and he kept like missing like part of his head chopped off part of his shoulder chopped off like all these things at one point finally the man being executed he was like Duke

James of something rather start with an M he said he said my God get on with it man or something like funny he like made a joke as he's dying then they never had a painting of him right so he would have been king they took out his dead body they sewed on his head to his neck. They covered a ruffle around it. They put a wig on him so he didn't see where part of his head was chopped off. So they could paint him post-mortem. Oh, that's crazy.

That's actually disturbing. Disgusting. And isn't that wild? Like, we let them teach our children this, but it's not like we're going to sit down and let them watch an episode of Dateline. Yeah, or Game of Thrones. It's like the same thing, you know? She was like not down going to bed that night.

Well, it's kind of a lot to take in. You're like, that's an intense amount of information. Yeah, and like details on how Anne Boleyn was beheaded and stuff. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we'll save that for the adult tour. Yeah, maybe that's the 18 and up tour. I was like, yeah, like what a day? Yeah, sure.

This will be fun and educational. She was really distra. And then King Charles I first when he was executed. and it was from a second story, people were, like, standing under him to collect his blood to sell because he was king. And she was like,

and then people were standing underneath. It's a lot. That's wild. I got to say not to note the tour guide. If I see kids, I'm given a different, I'm given a slightly different version of the tour. I'm doing a, like,

and then he died. Next, we're going to talk about, just leave it at that. Do you think preface by saying, like, this kind of stuff no longer exists or anything? No, I will say this. George was wonderful.

Sure. Loved him. Very informative. However, he's also an actor, right? So part-time executioner or butcher, part-time tour guide actor. And he really enjoyed telling the stories and, like, reciting Anne Boleyn's last words and very, like, dignified and, you know. It's his hamlet.

Yes. And we were his stage. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. But it was very enjoyable and very informative. And Breyer, yes, was terrified. And now that I'm saying it back to you guys, I'm like, oh, that's why she was so scared.

Get my daughter's sleep. Yeah, pretty funny. But that's history for you. Well, that's history for you. Savage. Savage. It's still savage, but, you know. On that note, guys, nice uplifting.

Worst stories. Dreams. Ninety-nine. Children. Good night, kids. Bye, night, night. Bye. That was a Headgum podcast.