Broad Ideas with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen - The Only Plans Are No Plans with Jackie Johnson

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

Rachel and Olivia talk to podcaster Jackie Johnson about new beginnings, being the room parent and celebrity dog walking in your twenties. Make sure to check out Jackie’s solo show How to Get a Second Husband next time it’s live in your city!Watch the video of this episode here!Like the show? Rate Broad Ideas 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts and SpotifyAdvertise on Broad Ideas via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgum podcast. Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is The Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, here's stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room,

and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hax podcast on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. Sometimes we'll talk about dogs and kids and things. We'll talk about chicks and tampon strings. We'll talk about boys. Because people die.

Welcome to broad ideas. Hello, my fellow people. Hi. Today we have Jackie Johnson, who is such a delight. I think no more of me talking. And you guys not talking, let's hear Jackie talking. Can we talk about how we've met before once?

Maybe a couple of times. Did you? You didn't tell her? Okay. What? So I used to walk Jill's dogs. What? Like 15 years ago.

In those feelings? Yeah. Are you serious? And you were super pregnant. Y'all were both super pregnant at the same time. I think she was pregnant with Winnie. Yeah. And y'all were like out to here.

Are you kidding? Yeah. I used to be a celebrity dog walker. Like that was one of my first careers. Oh. Wait, is that a title? I mean, self-proclaimed. Okay, good.

Okay. Is that crazy? Is that crazy? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, Gracie, too? Yeah, at one point. Sprout just passed away like two months ago.

You know what's so annoying is that I'm Instagram friends with Katie. Oh, you are? And Josh. And I said to Katie, I was like, you need to call me or text me when that happens. When Sprout. And nobody ever told me because my dog passed away too, semi-recently. And they had them all at the same. know all my dogs are dead now that I used to walk because it's been so long oh that's been so

and I get messages like you know every few months I remember Jackie because she'd be like Jackie the dog you know yes yes I was like I was there when both the kids are born I've met both sides of the family every single person like I was like very integrated you know that and I didn't know that this yeah this is crazy what I was on Instagram and I see a picture of Josh with like this smoking hot check and I go who's that oh and my husband goes that's probably a sister or something. I go, I know his sister. I know his brother. I know his brother. I know his not his sister. And so I googled him and I couldn't find anything. And then I read his Wikipedia and there's one line that's like he got a divorce in 2020. And I was like,

I got a divorce in 2019. Oh shit. So like I know all about that life. Right. I was like I should have, I should have reached out and been like, I just saw that you got a divorce. You know, I didn't know. But Chill is like the, I mean, obviously she's like your bestie. And I'm assuming forever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, forever for life. Oh yeah. That family, I was so obsessed with them. I know. They had, so I would house it for them for like months when they were off shooting. Yeah. Oh, this is so weird. Like when they went to Atlanta. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Okay. And they would on their screensaver on their TV, it would be like their Apple pictures. Yeah. Just like them on safari and like the family. And they're all just like so having so much fun. And I was just like this is like goals. Like this is family goals. Yeah. We all kind of thought that. Yeah. It's been hard. The divorce has been hard on me. Yeah, well, pandemic is hard. You know, I don't know any details. Obviously, we don't want to talk about that.

But yeah, Josh just had another baby. Yeah, I saw. Yeah. I figured that's what you saw. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yep. Are we, we have teams or no teams?

I have to be Switzerland. Yes, I understand. Yeah, you're too involved. I'm too involved. Yeah. Because didn't you introduce them? I did. Isn't that crazy?

It's crazy. Human beings exist because of you. I mean, it's true. And my daughter and them are, those are her closest. Yeah, those are like, basically her cousins. Yeah, yeah. Those are the closest friends to her. Yeah.

That are the girls. We'll have to talk about that later. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, there's so much to talk about. I know. Well, I haven't seen them forever. Actually, I saw Josh at a party a few months ago, and I was too embarrassed to, like, go say hi.

Aw. Because he left me on fucking red on Instagram, which I know isn't like a big deal. No, but, like, can we talk about that a little bit? Yes. It does hurt. Just right back, cool, or whatever. Because we've messaged a little bit. Listen, I named my kid Sandy after Sandy Cohen.

No, you didn't. Yes. Are you kidding? No. You named your kid after Sandy Cohen? Yeah. My son is named Sandy. I almost want to like FaceTime Josh right now. Yeah, let's call him. Steve, but what if he like didn't remember who I was or something? I would be traumatized. I mean, he's for sure would. He followed me. We follow each other. We've DMed a little bit. All right. I'm going to text him. And then I'm doing a one woman show and like, so I just DMed him and I was like, I've never asked any of my old clients for anything. Nothing. To my detriment. I used to walk every fucking showrunner in this town to dogs. Like everyone. I never. asked for anybody to give me a fucking under five on hard of 60. Nothing. Okay. Doctor, you're needing the other room. That could have gotten me health insurance. Bitch, I never asked

anybody, okay? And I'm like, can you come to my show? I'll give you a free ticket. Just come. Like, you know, I don't know what you're up to. I saw that he read it, but he didn't respond. And that's fine. He's busy. Like, can I tell you? Can I tell you? You say something? You walk away? I get it. I, he's like my brother. Yeah. And I'm like, hey, can you read this? Yeah. I get left on red. Okay. So don't take it But then I saw him at this party. I was at this fancy party. Mm-hmm.

And I was the plus one. Mm-hmm. And Christine Aguilera was walking around. This was a fancy party. Oh, yeah. He was there. Nothing says fancy party. Like Christina Aguilera.

And I didn't even have lashes on because I was like, Wait, I'm dead. Getting ready with a kid is a nightmare. And my kid. Wait, wait, you didn't have lashes on. No. I was humiliated because then I see her there and I literally go, Ben, I cannot stand in front of Christine Angelaar without a lash on.

I need to leave right now. Jackie, I told you she might be here. I'm like, no, you did it. And I'm like, have you ever tried to put lashes on with a toddler? I've never tried to put lashes on. I've never put them on. Just myself. Right. And so like, I'm trying to get ready. My son is destroying my bathroom. I'm like, fine. This is, you know, I'm not going to do a full beat. I'm just going to whatever. And then I meet Christina without a lash. Humiliated. Is she nice? Yes, but I was trying to keep it cool. I keep it cool after, you know, all my clients and whatnot in my life. And, but Ben was like, God, I didn't realize you were. such a Christian Aguilera fan. I'm like, this stripped album only changed my life. What do you mean? Not a fan. And I'm trying not to stare at her.

She's very tiny. Tiny. Tiny. And she has the same size feet as me and I would go places and they'd be like Christine Aguilera has already been here. And she bought the only size five. Down. That's rough. I know. She's very tiny. But yeah, I was trying not to stare at her. But yeah, Josh was there. And part of me

wanted to go up to him and go, boom, bunk, bunk. You should have. Why not? Why didn't you respond to me? I didn't. No, I just, I don't know. I just got in my head about it. And because I was terrified that if I walked over there, he like wouldn't know who I was

because I've had that happen to me before. Mark Platt did that to me, but it's not Mark Platt's fault. I was his intern when I was 21. And he doesn't remember me. And I walked open to a store and it was so bad. What did you do? I don't blame him though. No, do you tell.

I did just a bit where I was like, oh, excuse me and like kind of bumped into him, which was way too much. Honestly, it was way too much. Wait. And then he looked at me like, it's okay and like kept shopping. And I was like, oh, he doesn't remember me. Got it. But now I see him semi regularly because I'm friends with his son.

But that's another story. Anyway, I should have said something. I wish you would have bumped into Josh. I know. I would have. I really should have. And then by the time I was like kind of figuring I should go over there, he was already gone. Got it.

Yeah. No, he for sure would remember. Yeah. But I'm going to text him as soon as we're. Yeah. Not. How does it picture me? I know.

I will right now. What if I put a leash in my hand, then he might remember me. Here, here. They're picking up shit with a little baggie. Oh, my God. Then you might remember me. Anyway. A hundred percent.

Small world. Jill will, no doubt. Oh, for sure. Yeah. No doubt. She 100%. But what is that etiquette? So let's talk about that for a second.

Because that's a big deal. Yes. How do you feel, look it? It all seems juvenile, right? Right. I know things get lost in the shuffle. You follow someone. They don't see it.

They don't follow you back. You write someone. I don't see it, blah-bidi-blot, and it happens on, there's good people on both sides. Oh, yeah, of course. But does it sting each time? If you follow someone and they don't follow you back, does it bother you? I only follow people that follow me back because I'm petty. Oh.

Yep. I'm petty like that. So if you see they don't follow you back, you're like, goodbye. Yeah, yeah. Because I've thought of doing that. And then I'm like, what am I doing? Yeah. I mean, it's all dumb anyway.

It's all dumb, right? We should all be touching grass. Yeah, I know. Just throw the phone out the window. Yeah, because then there's people that I'm sure feel like that. They see me at school and they're probably like, this bitch doesn't even follow me back and I don't even know they're following. Same. Right?

Oh, yeah. But then I feel like ignorance is bliss in that case. Like it's like, well, they don't, they just, I'm not, whatever. But I will say the scene, seeing the scene on a DM and no response. Yeah. depending who it is. Yeah. But you're kind of like, hey.

Yeah. Like you know they read the message. Right. They know you know they read the message. But then that was my question because I think I asked this recently. I'm like, is there any version of someone just sending something and then not checking if it's been seen? Guys. That's what I'm saying.

But also, I figured this out. If someone sends you a message and you never open it, eventually it just clears. I don't know if it says that you saw it, though, because I do that all the time when I get anxious and I see. somebody wrong. I'm like, I'm just going to leave that. And after a while, it goes away. I don't know what happens. I don't know what it tells them. It just like clears. Like it won't show up as your little number one message. Oh, right. Like it won't notify that there's a message there. So it could just be there and you won't know. But does it tell them that you saw it. I think it does.

I think it does. When you do experiment, somebody's yummy and I won't open it. And then a week we'll check by a kid. Yeah, I think it does. If you open it, I think it's said. Well, she's saying you don't open it. Like you can see. There's a message there. Right, and it's in bold. But you don't open it. Right. But it notifies you there.

You know, I have like seven Instagram accounts. I'm going to send myself a message. And then I'll see what it's saying. Yeah, yeah. Why haven't I thought of this? I don't know. Yeah. Same with like you accidentally follow someone.

Then you immediately unfollow. Do they get an notification? Or actually like a photo? Yeah, and then you unlike it. That's really bad. You like a photo from like 2010. Yeah. Their vacation photos from 2018 or like, yeah.

Oh, shit. Listen, I have big hands. And those iPhones are not. Speaking of big hands, another funny story. What? So when I first moved here, people would tell me I look like Misha Barton. Yeah. So I took her Got Milk ad to the hairdresser at the Oakwood Apartments, which is where I was living. And I was like, can you make me look like Misha Barton? And she did the highlights like her and everything. And I was like, I'm going to manifest Misha Barton into my life. and I got a call

we're looking for 5 foot 10 stand-ins and I was like that's me I get there it's Misha Barton and they're trying to match her hands

for a movie and she comes out and it's me and like five women and we all put our hands out my hands when I say they're triple the size

of all the other women I'm not exaggerating they're fucking gigantic and she literally goes no not rude not rude

she was like they are giant though and she was just like um and pick the girl with obviously the pretty tiny hand

But I'm just like, why do I have such big hands? Oh, my God, wait. They're giant. I should have played basketball or something. They're beautiful. They're pretty hands. I'm not complaining, but they are big. Is your ring pink?

That's pretty. I'm a crazy pink lady. Right. Yeah. You had a pink wedding. Yeah. Right? My first one, yeah.

Oh, your first one. Sorry. The failed one. Yeah. Second one was black. The failed one, you're like, I'm not doing that again. But that just stuck out. It was so beautiful.

Everything but the husband was perfect. Oh, my God, that's amazing. Oh, okay. Yeah. And how old were you when you got the first marriage? 31. Okay. Yeah.

That's reasonable. Yeah. That sounds like the right age. I wasn't like a child bride or anything. Yeah. And then it lasted. I was married to an improv coach. And, you know, that's a big red flag of like, you begging someone to marry you for like five years.

Like, please just bury me. Yeah. That's the red flag. That was you begging or him? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. You should be the other way around. Yeah.

Yeah. So, but then was it the case of, like, you got what you wanted? You were, like, never mind? No. Wait. That's the most loaded answer. We will take a moment and collect ourselves here. Never in my life.

Have I ever summed up a whole moment of my life in one word before. Let's do it again. Oh, my God. I'm so good. My whole show is about this. Yeah. A woman show called How to Go a Second husband. Like literally all of that is in it.

So my whole life just flashed before my eyes. Yeah. I think when I'm dead someday, like I'm in my deathbed and I'm holding my kid's hand and I'm like, I'm going to like remember that no. Yeah. It was like a very powerful moment. That was. I got silent and had to take it in for a minute. Okay.

I don't, I'm not going to ask any more questions. Yeah. I think we thought it's come to my show. I don't think we can. Yeah. And bring Josh. Josh is coming with me Josh has never gone to any of my shows either

And I've known him for He has a newborn too I have a lot of one woman shows I don't No I don't have any I've never done one I'm coming Queen

Olivia She is a one woman show Oh my God you should do one I think that's so What did do one Can you tell her like what Now's the time Rachel

I can make her She always is like Olivia You should Yeah girl You should both do one Now's the time I definitely will not be doing. But you could do one.

I'll write one for you. There you go. It'll be so fun. Then maybe. Yeah. Yeah, that's fun. You could just do like character monologues or something. Nothing is scarier than like.

Oh, yeah. Public speaking is the number one human fear. I don't know why that is. That's Jill's biggest fear. I think it's, see, I have more fears of. I love people that don't want anyone to look at them. Like, it's, I wish I had that. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. What a way to live your life. I don't get it. Yeah. I feel more comfortable public speaking than speaking to people one-on-one. Wow. Is that right?

Yeah. Honey, you need to do one more show. She does. I really feel like she does. No, I don't. No, you would have so much fun. No, I don't. Do you sing?

No. I was going to say, we should do a musical show or something. Oh, my God, I would love to do a musical. I wish that you didn't have to sing. You don't have to. For musicals. You could do like the kind of staccato speaking. I could.

Yeah. like Sondheimy rhythming? I could. Or rap. Do you rap? I mean, Hamilton? Listen. Hamilton. I could rap. There you go. I wrapped her maid of honor speech. You did. With our other best friend. Yeah.

They did. They surprised. We surprised me. An original? Oh, yeah. An original. Is there a tape of that? Oh, yeah. It was a banger. I'm about to sing somebody down the aisle next month. You are. What are you saying? When does this come out? A couple weeks.

Wait, real singing? I don't want to out her. song. Oh. You know what I mean? April 7. April 7th? Yeah.

That's what day is that? Monday. On Monday. That's the day after her wedding, I can tell you. Awesome. Sweet Nothing by Taylor Swift on midnight. Oh my God. It's a very simple song, but I'm like, there's so many words.

And I don't want to read off a paper because I'm like, that is, that's the most chuggy shit you can do. I'm not reading all the paper if I'm singing you down the aisle. but that is high status I've never sung somebody down the aisle I've sung in two weddings and I've sung at a reception I've never sung somebody down the aisle

Wow do you feel pressure Yes I'm scared My husband's playing piano Do you want to practice right now? I know Absolutely not Wait that's amazing

He's playing the piano That's really cute I know it's gonna be cute Is this your best friend You're like no I don't even know her This is his bestie But they're doll She's a doll

I mean she's so pretty It's gonna be amazing But I think by plan is to just not look at them. Yeah. And like really use the acting and not feel it. Just look at them straight. So I have to just pretend this is like I'm doing a corporate presentation. That kind of thing. Yeah. It's scary. How did you do your rap? Like, were you nervous? Uh, no. I don't think we were nervous. They just went for it. Did you use an original beat? We went, we wrapped it to a tribe song. Oh, that's fun. Back in the days when it was

That one. Teenager. I'm trying, I can't think of the title. How much rehearsal did you do? Are you good at my rising? None. It was the morning of the wedding. Stop.

And my brother and Leah, our best friend and I, sat at the kitchen table in our rental house for her wedding and came up with it. And you read off the paper? Did we read off a paper? I don't know. I know. I know. It was easier because the beat was just like there.

Yeah. And the work, I don't think we read off the paper. You're such a pro. We didn't mess it up. This is why you're friends with the pros. But I gave her the like weed line because I was like, I'm not saying that in front of all our family. Did she say?

Rapping about the reaper. Like it was like in there. Oh, okay. Yeah. You got a real one right here. Oh, I know. I know. Yeah.

But like you do. Because how many people memorize raps for you? That says that. Two people. Two people. And that's all you need. That's all you need in life is like a handful. Yeah.

You know, the partner, the friends, the animals. But they've got to rap. They got a rap, though. Yeah, yeah. If they don't rap for you, keep walking. Yes, they're out. Or sing Taylor Swift. Yeah.

I feel like those go hand in hand. Yes. So you can actually sing. You know, I think everyone in L.A. can sing. I can't. Jackie can sing. Don't go to karaoke in L.A. without feeling like shit about yourself.

I mean. Everyone gets up there and they're like, maybe this time. And they're like, God damn it. Like, everyone's a man. Amazing. You can sing? I mean, I can be not tone deaf. She can sing. Yeah.

She's playing coy. That's what I'm saying. This is an act. Yeah. This is, but that's what it is. You know it's in LA. Everyone's like, oh, it can't sing. Yeah, and then she gets up there and she's like, oh, a little angel. No. No, she really can. Oh, she really can. I tease her all the time.

There's not that many people who are absolutely so bad, like, cannot hit it. I went to voice lessons for years. It's my biggest passion in life. It's her biggest passion. Her husband, every occasion, gets her singing lessons. as her present. I want singing lessons. I've taken them. Girl, you need to do a one-woman show and you need to sing.

I'm done with this bullshit. It's her number one passion. It's her number one passion. I'm not buying this shit. She's not bad at it. She can carry a tune. I really think I was a singer in my past life. Yeah, for sure.

And it's my voice is, I'm like Ariel. I was what to say Ursula. Someone took my fucking voice. Yeah, yeah. We got to find her and break that shell. You still have a voice. Like, you can carry a tune, but she's just so programmed to think that she can't sing. Yeah. But she'll do it anyways.

Oh, I'll sing anywhere. She does see anywhere. Go on the mass singer. Oh. That's how people get over their fears because nobody goes to you are so you can like really go there. But why are the costumes so insane? Because it's the theater, honey. Okay.

It's part of the fun. Actually, you know what? Somebody told me. I have a couple of friends that did it. Did it? There's tea. Everybody ready for the tea? When somebody comes out and their costume looks so cheap, they're going home soon.

Because they order the cheapy costumes. For people that can't really sing. For the for the for the for the they can't afford like the really so if they're in like an amazing costume they're going to the end But if they're in like a shitty costume out of a package from party city you're like they're out Interesting and you can tell now yeah as soon as they come out. I'm like they're gone oh They're gone and wait because I think some of it's a little planned I haven't heard that I just I'm assuming not you're assuming one of my favorite screenshots is Lucy Hale posted and it's a conversation with her dad and it's all like scratched off and then it just says sweetheart. I have a question are you the mass sing-man? I was like, that's amazing. Oh my gosh.

A friend of mine was on it, Scott Porter, who was on Hardy Dixie. He made it to runner up. Like, he was almost. I think Vanessa Hudgens won. But he was like right under her. How can you compete with that? I know. And then there was a scene where like Leanne Rimes was on and you were like, well, who's

competing against her? I know. And she won. I'm fair. Yeah. She had a very beautiful costume. Yeah. Did she?

Yeah. I mean, I just remember it being very elaborate. Yeah. It's like on season 400. six. Yeah. I don't watch it anymore, but during my divorce, I remember I was like really sad and I would watch like a random, you know, Lil Wayne in a peacock suit or whatever. And I'm like, I need this right now. I've never seen it. It's wild. It is wild. It's a wild. I want to go to the taping. I've almost gone a couple times. You know the costumes, right? No. They're so insane. They're very intricate.

I just wish I cared. I want to pull up. Like I just can't care. I need to show you. I don't know why. No, you need to go on it. bitch. Oh, this is what I'm saying. You'll care when you're in the peacock suit. Like, everyone talks about the costumes and in my head, I'm like, why? No, they're like crazy.

Rachel, can you please make a call? They're like animals. Get her on it. Look at this. No, these are the costumes. No, you need to go on it. Those are cool. We're making a call. What would you be?

Don't you have to be a good singer? No. They have athletes on there. People that can't sing at all are on there. Huh. And then people have to try and figure out who you are. That part. They're not going to know who.

who I am. No one's going to be able to figure it out. Honey, then you'll win. Right. I do like winning. There you go. We're making a call. Sure. Sorry. No, we're making a call at the end of this. She should go on. No, I'm not going on.

I could never do that. Oh my God. I would go on a second. You should go on. I've been pitching. They need to have one not famous person every season. And they give clothes. No, but they'll be like, who is that? Who is that? And then they pull up the mask and I'm like, hi, I'm Jackie. I'm a podcaster. I think it would just be so great

because they don't know who the non-famous person is so they're still guessing like your family don't you think that'd be fun? I do. Yeah, like Angela, third grade teacher from Detroit. Yes, they need to do that. They should, yeah, I agree. Call me, messed singers, execs.

They should do one round. Yes. Yeah. One round? One round of people that aren't famous. Yeah. Well, but the whole thing is you're trying to guess who's in the mask.

So it's hard to guess if you don't know who they are. That's what I'm saying throw one in and they won't know who it is And they're going to be like, that's usher Exactly, they're going to think I'm usher And you're like, no, it's me, Jackie Yeah, yeah With those moves, that's Usher. That's Usher for sure.

I can tell. I would be so honored to be mistaken for Urshur. Did you go to his Vegas show? No, did you? No one didn't, but I should have. You should have like you 100% of it. Well, I'm going to Backstreet Boys in Sphere. I'm sorry, what?

They have a Sphere show? Yes. Backstoo? Where have you been? Yes. I don't know anything. This is why I need your husband. You need to come.

I know nothing about anything. No, but you need to come. They want everyone to wear all white. Stop it. Yeah, they put out a TikTok and I'm like, I want it that way. Yeah, I have to buy a white bucket hat now for AJ. But I'm going to. If you better believe, I'm going to.

Wait, who's your favorite? Yeah, who's your favorite backstreet boy? You know, to be honest, I'm, I would say I'm ambidextrious between like Insync and Baxter boys. Like, yeah. Because we were saying I'm kind of Switzerland. Like, I don't think I like one more than the other. But are we talking like which one I'd want?

want to fuck or like yeah of course obviously i mean i guess it's always the question neck yeah nick was the best age is a little too grungy for me i saw him in traffic we were in sync girls you saw him in traffic yeah i saw him just driving nothing i could just tell by his black gel manny it was him black gel man always do you know who i saw in traffic which he the way he showed up is gonna make you yeah in traffic made me feel so good oh my god who so i was driving and i look over this could be a whole podcast, by the way. Yeah. Celebrities you see in traffic.

Like, I could do the whole episode of my dog walking days. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm sure. Keep going, sorry. So I'm driving. I look over and I see this man and it's Jeff Goldblum. And I look at him. Yeah.

Everyone has a Jeff Goldblum story. Do they? Is that a thing? I do. So I look over at him and I kind of point like, it's Jeff Goldblum. And he looks at me and he smiles like, yes, it's me. It's Jeff Goldblum. You know, like it said it all.

in that moment. He was like, it is me. And he like lit up. I don't remember. I was just too caught up. The details you got a clock. But he showed up in his essence and he was happy for me that I got to see him. Yes. He's a real showman. Yeah. He was like, good for you. You saw me. You know where I saw him. Where? Was crunch gym. Is that one still there? I don't know. The Crescent Heights. I don't know. Is there something? I joined it at one point in my life. mid-20s and he's my dad's age this motherfucker looks good like it looks amazing and this was in 2010 or so yeah he's like deadlifting and I'm just like okay daddy like he looked good and he knew he looked good and it was the same thing he saw me see him he

he saw and he like kept on lifting I'm like I see you dad-ah you know so yeah that's my Jeff Goldblum story I guess it's not that much of a story but no it is it's the same He's everywhere. Kevin, do you have a Jeff Goldblum story? No, unfortunately. Come on. I know. Not yet. Do you have one?

That's a good affirmation. You're like, we dated. I'm like, I totally fucked him, but. He's tall. I have no memory. He's tall. There's certain people, and I can point them out often, where I'm like, that person is having a good time being. A hundred percent.

He's one of them. The energy. He has this amazing. It's just like he came for it. What's his sign? Will you look up? What is his son? What do we think?

Leo? Oh, he's given Leo. Yeah. For sure. Or Scorp. Oh. Oh. October 22nd.

Oh, my God. He's a Scorpio. No, I think that's a Scorpio. My daughter is a Scorpio. She's the 29th. So I feel like that's like the cuss. But I think it cuts right in there. No, it's the 23rd.

I'm pretty sure it's a... Oh, so he's not. Scorpio. No, I think he's a Libra. He's a Libre. No, I think he's a Scorpio. Help us. October November.

Help us, Kevin. You're our wizard. Our wizard. The 23rd is cut off for Libra, isn't it? Well, then he would be a Libra. A Libra. Because he's the 22nd. So he's the last day of Leibes.

And I don't believe in Cusps. Are you not understanding? October November. Right. He's the 24th. He's the 22nd. Oh, I thought you said 24. That's why.

Like, you're not understanding. You're like, my God. Oh, he's a Libra. He's a Libra. I don't know what I'm all Libra. I'm a Libra. She's a Libra. So maybe it's like game.

Recognized game. That's what it was. We were like, viving. For sure you were. So your daughter's a scorp? Yeah. That's my dream. Really? A Scorpio daughter is my dream. That's my girl. Yeah. Do you just want, do you just want that? Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to get it because I'm not having any more kids, but. You're not, you're one and done. Yeah. Yeah. Team one and done. Yeah. Yeah. I think we deserve more respect. I agree. Team one and doneners? Yeah. Yeah. I just feel like all my friends, when I say that, they're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's so. It's so. It's great over here. I mean, too. And I'm like, why are you trying to convince me, though? Yeah. Like, who are you trying to convince me or you? Right. I'm sure it is great. I'm just tired and I know my limits. And I think that makes me a better mom, right? Yeah. Yeah. I think it makes a good mom to not

have kids sometimes too. A hundred percent. I'm like, now that's a good fucking mom. That's right. She got ahead of the problem and was like, we're good here. I said this is the time I have. I'm the room parent at preschool. Big deal. I've committed myself. What does that entail at yours? Okay, so here's what happened. Yeah. I get to the school and I'm like, you know, time's pretty free for me these days. I'm going to get involved somehow, make a good impression. And they were like, well, we do need a room parent for the class.

And I was like, well, what does that entail? They're like, oh, not much. They were like, the teachers have birthdays. You organize their gifts. And we do one event where the parents come on the day the school's closing, clean up a little bit. And you kind of organize that. That's it. I said, okay, I'll do it.

it? Bitch. E-mail? When I tell you, and most of them are me begging them for money. They're like, can you please mail your yard and ask for money? Oh my God. For this, for that, for this, for that, for this, for that. And I'm just like, these people hate me.

And they probably blocked my email by now. And it's not like I'm getting the money off. It's like, hey, it's me again. There's another thing that they need money for. Oh my God. And then I need money for the teacher gifts. And we don't scrimp. Teachers deserve the gift.

That's right. So I'm like, can everybody memo me? We're doing the teacher gifts. And I feel like because I've already asked them for money 15 times. It's amazing. They're like, no. Delete. And then I'm paying for the gift.

Oh, my God. And I don't want, the teachers don't think we're cheap assholes. So of course, I'm forking out the money. Yeah. But it's just like, what have I done? And it's nonstop. Oh, my God. And now there's a gala.

Oh, there's a gala for your preschool? Yes. And guess who's hosting it? Kevin. Your girl. And I didn't even try. I don't let anybody at the school know what I do. Like, I keep my head down.

And the woman who runs this school, she's a gangster. She knows everybody. When you walk up for the tour, she's like, oh, you're Jackie and your Ben and that's Sandy and, you know, your zip code. She like, she knows everybody. Yeah. And she was like, Jackie, she pulled up in the party. Like, Jackie, I know you do comedy. Would you like to host the summer gala?

I was like, I'm not going to say no to her. You know? Did you feel seen? Yes, but I'm scared. I'm also scared. It's a big gig. That's the biggest gig. I mean, I also don't know if these people have any sense of humor.

Oh, God. And I'm like, how hard do I want to go? Do I want to do roast jokes? Do I want to make fun of stuff? Or do I keep it light and fun and do like song parodies? Or I'm still trying to figure out. Are kids there? No, it's all adults.

And apparently everybody gets hammered. But I don't know. And they don't normally have hosts. I'm doing kind of like a Conan. I told them I'm going to do like Conan at the Oscars. Okay. They don't want to come out, do a song or something, throw it over. to the director, then there's an auction, and I'm going to, like, kind of be...

I feel like that's the move. I feel like song parody is always, like, safe, like, you know. Because, like, the parking lot is a nightmare. I'm like, I'm going to do some kind of parking lot song. Yeah, it's like traitor jokes. Oh, so my kids name is Sandy. I was going to do Sandy's mom has got it going on. You know, like, do a parody of Stacy's mom. Yeah. I was like, that might be cute. So I don't know. That's good. You don't think I should do roast jokes. I mean, I think as far as, I mean, I'm a big fan of roast jokes. I have to see these people in the parking lot for the next four years. I think a song parody is just always safe.

Do you think it would be weird to walk up to some of the more known people in the crowd and go get your wallet out? How much money's in there? Can I have it for the auction? Like some kind of like make them give me their money for the donations? Is that too aggressive? I would say if you heads up them, you're good. Yeah, yeah.

So ask permission for. That might be weird. See, this is my reaction. Zoom in on this. That's a no. That's a no. That's what I'm looking for. I don't want to make a bad impression on these people.

I think some people would think it was super funny and some people would be like, what the fuck. Yeah, yeah. And again, I have to see these people. And these are the people who are going to write me regulators to these private schools. Got it. So you know what I mean? I got to keep it.

It's like a whole thing. It's a whole thing. It's not other places. I feel like you just go to the local school. Oh, yeah. Same with these preschools. I don't even want to tell you, when you piss on a pregnancy test in Los Angeles, don't go find your partner, don't call your sister, call the preschools.

The first call you make. I need to get on the wait list. I just pissed on a stick. Put me on the list. Nobody told me this, and this is why getting my kid into a school was one of the most stressful things. It was harder than getting into college for me. Yeah. It was a nightmare.

Everyone says that about preschool. Yes. That's why for me, and I've mentioned it before, and I've said this before, I was like, great. The school looks great. Yeah. Co-op. Yes.

Well, co-ops are easy to get into because nobody wants to do the work. No, no shit. I didn't realize that. What did you have to do? You were literally a preschool teacher. Yeah. And snack teacher. Yeah.

Like, and a pod person. Like, you have to do everything. Yeah. What's a pod person? Like, the school had certain pods. Like, you're the event pod. You're in the like setup pod. You're in the, like, raise money pod.

You had to like literally teach the class. Yeah, which actually I kind of. Looking back, I loved it. I always wanted to be a preschool teacher. I loved being on the yard with my daughter. And you said your mom was in education. Yes. Yes.

Yes. My mom was a preschool teacher for a long time. Other grades as well. I loved being there. So looking back, I was super happy. Yeah. I got to do it. It's like me when I walked dogs.

I could have done that for the rest of my life. Really? Talk about the serotonin boost. Really? From loving the animals? How many would you walk at once? My record was 12 off leash, nine on leash. No, you didn't.

Where in the world can you walk 12 dogs off a leash? Runyon. Can you really? Yeah. Once you get to the off leash. Well, I think that's why I was young. I started walking dogs when I was like 22. Okay.

And then I was burnt out by the time I was like 27 or so. It can get scary. I worked for a trainer. So my dogs, for the most part, were very well behaved. I have two dog bite scars on my body so it doesn't completely track. But, no, it had anxiety. I had some crazy shit happen. But the thing is, dogs can't tell on you and kids can.

I had this fucking corgi. And I'm not going to say his name because what if that person hears this podcast? They listen. They probably do. They do. This fucking corgi. And I'm sorry, this dog changed me forever with that breed. I don't like corgi. Like, he turned me on corgis.

I was up, like, going up the hills of Mahalik's way up, way up. And all of a sudden, there was like this big of a crack in my window for those listening. Probably what is that? Six inches. is this fucking Houdini just jumps out of my car. What? Just jumps out of my moving car.

And it's full of dogs. There's nowhere to pull over. Oh, my God. And this is some billionaire's fucking Corgi. Oh, oh. Am I going to call the billionaire and say, I killed your dog? Oh my God.

I mean, whatever. I just pull over. I get out. I run. I tackle him. He's, dang, biting me. I'm like, get him back in the car, roll the window up, and I keep going.

Luckily, no cars came. You know, it was one of the angels. were looking out for me, but like, shit like that would happen. And of course, I never told anyone. The dog don't tell me. That's scary. Just out the car. Jumped.

And I don't know how he fit in this little slit, but he did, that little bastard. How many years did you do it? I'm trying to remember, like five or six, maybe. And there were glamorous moments. Like what? I want to hear all about it. Well, you know, like I would get to house sit at this amazing house for like a month straight. But see, I was just so trusted.

I was so good at my job. Yeah. I was so just, they honored me so much and they depended on me so much. And that also was like a really lovely feeling. And being that just, I mean, y'all know now as moms, it's like when you get help that is good, trustworthy help, do not want to let them go. Jill always. Like, I. And that's why another another reason I think nobody wanted to help me because they were like, I don't want you to get acting jobs. Yes. I was a nanny for like ever. So I know. Yes. No, Jill definitely felt that way. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah. And so, you know, I loved it. But that was the thing I had to walk away because I was like, I could do this forever. And there were ladies at that dog park who had been doing it forever, and they literally looked like a leather belt.

They were done. They were just clearly I never wore sunscreen. Yeah. No vitamin C serum. And these ladies were crazy. They were like, yeah, I used to walk by Jove's dogs. Yeah. Their stories were crazy.

And they were cool. But I was like, I cannot become. Oh, my God. Where's the movie? I know. There's a show. Yeah. Oh, 100%.

There is a show. A thousand percent. And I think people have tried. I've seen like a... Have they? I actually saw... So my old boss, one of her clients was a porn actor. Okay.

And I had to drop dogs off on a porn set once. Stop it. And it was a dog walker porn. I'm sorry? Yeah, it was a dog walker porn. And they were shooting like the cover of the book or whatever. So I had to go and bring my dogs. And I don't think any of the people knew that their dogs were going to be on the cover of a porn.

know. I just don't think because I didn't know. Oh, the porn was like the dog walker porn and I showed up on the set of the porn and they shot the like cover photo of like the girl walking the dogs and she used all my dogs. And I don't think those people know

that their dogs are on the cover of porn. Sick. With Sprout on a porn? They're like, I'm saying. I'm trying to remember if they were with me. Oh my God. I'm trying to remember if they were with me. I don't think they were. They're like. Sprout? Yeah, Sprout. Tilly and Mr. is that? You? Yeah, exactly. I used to walk two dogs named Jilliamister.

That's really funny. Yeah, and it was a wild experience. That is. I didn't know, like my brain doesn't know all the different porn. Like, yeah, like that's a thing for people. We should try to find it. Yeah, like I want dog walk her porn. But I used to walk this woman's dogs who was a porn actor and I actually looked her up there today. She's still at it. She's doing O-F now. Making her own money. I mean, she's a, she's now in the milk category. Okay. But I found out that the milk category is fairly young. Oh no, we're all in that. No, I knew I would be. We're all milfs. I knew like we're 30, 35 and up is milf now. Well, so people that don't even have kids, my friend was describing his friend. He's like, oh, she's total milf. I'm like, she doesn't have kids. Yeah. She's not a mom. Yeah. She's not a mom. And he's like, no, she's in that category. Yeah. And I was like, but she's only 35 and doesn't have children. He's like, milf. I'm sure same with you. Like, have you, did auditioning for commercials? Like, I would audition for commercials when I was 25 to be like a military wife with five kids.

True. And I remember being like, yeah. I don't, I just have a dog. I just have a dog. Yeah, but you know, Milf is a broad term, I guess. I just always thought it was for moms. It's taken on, like, so many more meaning. Yeah.

But yeah, walking the porn actresses dogs was crazy. Like, I showed up to her house. She had this amazing Pomeranian who was obsessed with him. She showed up and she's like, I just got my new tit. Because her old tits were on the counter. I was like, oh, what are these? She's like, those are my old tits. I just got taken out.

what? Oh, you know what else? Some celebrities are so liberal about their bodies and, like, being naked. And I think a lot of them is because they were Broadway people and like Broadway people were just naked because, you know, they have to court change. And I won't name her, I'll tell you all after, but this very famous Broadway actress would answer the door. And she's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry, I'm not dressed. And I'd be like, oh, no worries. She's like, you're cool with it. Great. Okay, so over here's where I keep the water. I'm like, what? But ass naked. And honey, the body was crazy. Like, snatched. I love it. And I'm like trying to. not lose my mind because again I am a bumpkin like I just got off you know the bus from Dallas like five minutes ago and I'm like okay I'm just trying not to stare at the titties of this

famous hot woman yeah I'm just like yeah okay got it so scooters waters over there okay you know it's just like some people are so chill and like the stories you have so many so many that is insane I know it was such a fun job like really truly like better than folding t-shirts of American Apparel well also you don't have to deal with the people because you're taking the dog Right? Or you do. Oh, you do. Oh, you have to. The people were the hard part. Right. The people are always the hard part. Are the hard part. Yeah. I mean, the shorts are the best. Yeah. The best. There were people, this one lady was so wacky. She was like, I like my dogs more than my children. And I go, I'm not joking. Oh, God. Oh, God. She would call me every five minutes. Where are you? Are they okay? I'm like, they're fine. But really what it was is I also had to deal with the help a lot. And because I was the help.

And that's what's hard is like the help, me coordinating with the help. And then the help would call me. And like that would get a little complicated and boundaries would be crossed. Like people would wait me up super early and be like, we're getting on a jet to St. Bartz. We need new callers. We have to get the callers. Like, are you going to meet us at the pet shop? Because we need to measure the callers.

And I'm just like, why did I sign up for this? Oh, wow. Have you noticed the more money people have, the more they care about stupid shit? like callers? That is very interesting. Because I've never heard someone that's like doing average. Right. It's like, we need to get the collars to the jet.

You know what I mean? Very, very wealthy person. Yeah. And it was the wife. Like, I don't get it. Who I think he picked up at a bar. I think she was a waitress and he picked her up at a bar. Right.

So she was a little Nouveau-Riche, which is a vibe. And you know, she probably is bored. That's what I'm saying. Do you get? They don't think they had children. When you get more money and all the weird sex stuff that starts happening, where you're like, oh, I heard they flew out to an island and they're all screwing each other and doing this and that. And I'm going, well, my friends aren't doing that.

And is it because they don't have that level of money? Like, what happens? You just get so bored that you're like. Yeah, you just want to feel something. Yeah. That has to be it, right? I hope I get rich enough someday where I know. You're looking at me like I'm crazy.

Well, no, I'm just wondering, like, when people have money, they like all have sex parties is the take place? lot of money. Like sickling. Like money we could never even imagine. Yeah, like money that's not normal. You hear about it all the time. I'm like, you hear oh, I was on so-and-so's private plane and everyone got

Bukaki. Everyone got blowjobs and everybody even about. Wow, you hear about that all the time. Yeah. I know. I'm like, you're hearing about that I'm with you all the time. Like, where are these stories? My investigating investigative reporting I'm interested in this. I am too. Why do you think

I'm investigating. I'm like, hold on. There's some wacky shit going on. Big time. I mean, what you have witnessed just in your career of that time. Yeah, but also, like, again, I have friends who do OF and, like, there's so many. Are they making so much money? Oh, yeah.

And there's things. Do you think about doing it? No. Okay. There's so many things that you don't even think about. Like what? That's right. That people jerk off to.

What? All kinds of, feet things are the biggest. Yeah, we know that. I'm trying to get her to put her feet on there. Feet are huge. They're huge. She's very nice. My friend goes to private foot rub parties.

What? What do you mean? I don't know. It's kind of like what you were talking about. It's like a, they buy out of a house and Airbnb beer something. And the people sit there and take off their shoes and just sit there. And then the people come around and go, can I touch your feet? I'll give you $500 and go, sure.

Can I suck your foot? Can I rub your feet? Like, whatever it is, you make your own schedule and payment. Hold on. And my friend walks out of there with a huge stack of cash. This is amazing. Why are you not doing this? Rachel, because I don't want to do it.

She wants me to be a only fan's book. Well, no, we've gotten some outlandish offers. Yeah. And so she's like, nowhere. Like people want her feet. She wasn't just like, you. You got it. No, there's, I saw on TikTok, women will brush their hair and then sell the hair from the hairbrush.

There's like all kinds of shit. I'm like, I'm throwing mine away for free. You know, they can sell your dirty underwear. Oh, that's a whole thing. What? I have a friend. The same friend who does the feet does that too. Oh, Rachel, you'd get so much money.

Yeah. Hold on. And she's authentic, though. Some people fake it. She's authentic. Yeah. They'll pay good money. My mind is like.

So much of it. The big thing is muck bongs. We just learned about this. No, no, no bangs. It's literally just you eating food and talking to the camera. Yeah. I'm actually into that. Yeah.

And I didn't know people jerked off to it. I thought it was just like a funny video. Oh, yeah. It's a whole thing. It's a sexual thing? Yeah. Did you know this? So much shit.

Kevin, did you know this? Muck banging. The, uh, no. Oh my God, that was this. He's a fucking muck panger. Nobody's ever been more guilty. Honey. The second loaded no of the day.

We don't buy that. We don't buy that for a second. Oh my God. No, I don't jerk off to people eating. Yeah. You subscribe to dough boys? Yes. Yes.

Oh my God. Yeah, but what about? They also have things where they'll like pay animals to do weird things on to you. I don't like that. No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that, like, you get paid a certain amount of money to, like, let a goat shit on you or, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't let any, I don't like anything involving animals. Me neither. No. Keep them out of it. Keep them out of it.

Keep an innocent. Yeah. I don't like getting paid for, um, anything. You know what I think I would be really good at, the like, a small penis humiliation? That's a, that's a rack. It's very lucrative. It's very lucrative. What do you mean? Like, basically they pay you to be like, oh my God, your dick is small. Now, I'm not, that's all I'm going to give you for free because I know someone's going to jerk off to that. That snippet. They're going to put it on repeat. That's right. They also because your hands are so big, though, that you'd be really good at that.

That's true because their dick would look so small. Yeah, I've had to deal with that my whole personal life. I think just because of my commanding voice, I think they would be really all up. Wait, they want to hear how small it is? Oh, yeah, and just, like, be humiliated and, like, really. You didn't know this. No. Yeah. Oh, it's a whole thing.

They also want to rate it. They want you to rate it. They'll pay you to rate their dick. You've done some research. I told you I'm an investigative reporter. Is that the Libra? I don't know anything about Libros. See, this is a surprise to me.

Like, I literally talk to her every day. I don't know anything about rating a small debt. I'm bringing out new things in y'all's friendship. Yeah. There's like the whole. Do we need to combine efforts? Yeah. Cut her out.

Dead weight. I am dead weight. You and me here. We can win a whole business strategy. That's your now, your two-woman show. That's right. This is it. Yeah.

SPH live. They call them, you know, Rachel, I've told you about this. Like the animal things, they call them do-do contracts. Oh, well, see, no. I have no idea about that. Yeah, you get a do-do contract. Wow. Yeah.

People have thought of everything. Everything is. You do. You do. Oh, my God. Talk about being able to make a killing and she's sleeping on. it. Oh yeah. Like letting animals

shit on me? No. Sending your underwear, showing your feet. I mean, we could beat those people with our own weird sex islands. Scratch it. All you need to do is muck-bong. Just you two, get on camera.

Do it here. Kevin will produce it. Go get food and sit and eat it and chat. Everyone, they're going to rub your feet on. Charge for it. Sounds like a plan. I came up with it so I get 10%. But.

Yeah. Yeah, that's all you have to do. Does it matter what you eat? No, I don't think so. It's anything. I think just like go get, you know, Jersey mics or whatever and open it. Because I think they like the like package opening sounds and all that. Yeah, you like that.

She loves the crunch. Yeah. Are you always trying to come up with like passive income? Because that's where I'm at. My brain won't stop. Yeah. It's not about passive incomes. It's just like keeps being like, ooh, that's something.

Yeah. I don't know what the something is for, but it's always on to something. Except for her. Yeah. Making money with her fucking feet. Yeah. On Only fans. I just, you know, I'm sure it's harder than it sounds.

Like, obviously there's a lot of business involved. You know, you get like one bang hair in your eyelash. Like I have one. It's the worst. I can't say anything. I can't say anything. I can't say anything. Let's come up with something.

But her husband's down. Like, she's like fine with it. Yeah. Well, I said, why don't you just do it and don't tell me then? And then that's a whole other fetish. Yeah, yeah. Like the secret wife foot. that she doesn't know.

Do you know what I mean? And he just sneak attacks, pictures and videos of my feet. I'm like, if you want to do that. If I don't know. If I don't know. Yeah, yeah. It's like voyeuristic or something. Voyeuristic.

Right. How do you feel about voyeuristic? Well, I feel you need to be, there's consent involved. I would give him consent to not tell me. Oh, okay. You see what I mean? Well, then that's no work for you. That's what I'm saying.

You're getting out of the shower. You've got your, you know, towel on, and he just snaps a couple of picks your feet wet on the mat. I didn't do it. That's what I'm saying. I'm not mad at that. Went on the mat is like a next level. Yeah, for sure.

Or you're like, you run outside real quick to get the mail and you come in. There's a little grid on the bottom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or you're like, oh my God, I need to go get a pedicure. Like, oh, my nails are a little grown out.

They like that. I don't know. Oh. I'm just spitballing here. I don't know. Maybe I should do this. You know what I mean? I really feel like.

Kind of on a tour over here. Yeah. my shot list. We're going to get a close up and then we're going to pan over. You know what I think they would like that I do with my feet? Oh my God. I want to know. Yeah.

Wholeheartedly. I want to know. I can clean up the whole house with my feet. What? Like you mom? Like you put the towel under it and you go? Oh, if like if something falls, it's like I'll take the, you know, or like clean up the kids room with my feet.

Like I pick everything. I don't bend over. They will. I pick it up with my feet. That shit. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's a milf shit. Oh yeah.

Like let me clean my house with my feet. I think he just came up with like the milk channel. Yeah, yeah. You know? Only milfs. Only milfs. Oh, M. It's happening.

Go on go daddy right now. See if that site is sold. Let me make you a little snack using just my feet. Wow. Right? Because my arms are full of babies. Yeah, I've just like so many babies. Yeah.

Exciting. Oh my God. So many exciting things happened. So many exciting things happening. Wait, when's your one woman? I can't wait to see your show. So as of right now, I don't have anything on the books. However, I'm doing Edinburgh Fringe in August in Scotland.

So come. I want to go there. Go. Yeah. I need people because it's scary. I'm like, does anyone in Europe know who I am? Does anyone in Europe think I'm funny? I don't know.

I've never performed over there. I don't know if my humor translates. Because they're very dry. But they're funny. It will. it. Yeah. They get it for sure. But right before I go to Scotland, I will do it a few more times in LA. So I guess, follow me on Instagram at Jagged Michelle Johnson and find my tour dates when they come up. Great. I'm going to be on the East Coast soon. Okay. So just be on the lookout.

We will be on the lookout. And now I'll be sending you a DM about it. And you're going to open it. And we'll see. And we might get Josh there. We might. Can you imagine? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I'll really ham it up to in his face. Yes. He deserves it. He does. 100%. But then Jill will come to the next one.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Perfect. Thank you, Jackie. Thanks for having me. This was so fun. So fun. Yeah.

Amazing. I kind of would like to know your favorite donut, though. Kevin? We don't know Kevin's. What's yours? We like... We talked about donut friend. Oh, I did.

I did. I didn't say the flavor. I'm not a big donut guy. I'm kind of a close. Classic. I like the cinnamon sugary. I don't like a glaze. Too messy for me. Interesting. It's like the ribs of sweet treats for me. Wow. That is so interesting. I mean, I'll eat one, two, or four, but it's, I just don't like the texture of it. Okay. But you will eat it. Yes, but it's not my go-to.

If you were going to surprise Leah with a treat, what would it be? Velvet cake. She likes a red velvet. I don't love red velvet. I sense have because I've had it multiple times now. It's grown on me. But it was not my go-to pre-my wife. Okay.

So what do you guys? You go Cupcake? You go Cupcake? No. I like a gosh, I mean, I talked about Oreos last week. I like chocolate chip cookie and ice cream. I love ice cream. Ice cream cake.

Isn't it funny? I feel like ice cream cake is for kids. And I'm just like, I will have an ice cream cake on my last day on this earth. I will have it. Oh, I have an important. Important ice cream cake question. Great. First of all, I guess you get a vegan one.

Yep. Right. Magpie. Oh, yeah. Get them tattooed my. chest. Go ahead. What was your question? Growing up, though, because you grew up outside Chicago, we grew up here. I've had this battle before because ice cream cake,

did your ice cream cakes have actual cake in the ice cream cake? Or was it just made out of ice cream? No, it was just like an ice cream shaped cake, basically. Right. So we, Olivia, growing up here, the ice cream cake had actually. cake. That's right. With the ice cream. I thought that's what ice cream cake was. Me too. I got in this battle

once debate where I was like, no. Ice cream cake has cake in it and they were like, no. Ice cream cake is just ice cream shaped like a cake. But it has like a cookie crust or something, right? Yeah, on the inside and the outside a little bit.

But yeah, they definitely felt like different on the West Coast. They are. Baskin Robbins had cake in it. With a different, yeah. Yeah.

It's a big deal, guys. They should rebrand. Baskin Robbins. We fuck with cake differently. Hey. They do. I like that. Yeah.

What I know, it's weird? I don't like ice cream. Really? Or cake. Or cake. This is true. That's such a strong statement. I know.

I want to start gaslighting people by saying, and this isn't true, but I want to start telling people like a weird thing about me. This is like if I was single, so many people would swipe left on me if I was like, I don't like ice cream and I don't like cake, but I do like ice cream cake. People would be like, this dude's toxic. I don't know. There's people like that that are like, don't like the ingredients of them. Totally. Individual things, but they like it all together. Well, that's also a thing.

Like my husband likes bananas, but doesn't like bananas mixed with things. Mm-hmm. Does he like banana bread? What? Banana pudding? I don't know if he likes banana. He doesn't like banana-flavored things. I kind of get that.

You do. But I eat bananas, and I like banana bread. But sometimes banana will just, like, hit me in a way that I'm just like, ugh, get out of my life. Oh, it hits me so right. and I find out not allergic, but food sensitivity off the charts

for bananas. Same with Leah. Like allergic to bananas. That's so fucked up. Yeah, it sucks. I need to stop cussing. Banana milkshake, I know I feel the same.

Can you help me? Even in our clips, it's like, wha, right, right, right, right. I know. We curse so much. I don't like it for me.

I'll get you guys like a shock collar. Will you? Yeah. I have a friend that did that. Every time he said, like, he got shocked on an episode. He got shocked like 70 times. Yeah. And I say like a lot.

That's funny. I'd be on the floor. That's pretty funny. But yeah, could do a swear caller. How do you feel about cussing? I like it. I think it's fun. Okay.

Rachel? You know how I feel. Really good. It's not really good. Really good. But when you see a clip of you cussing, how do you feel? I'm like I should probably ease up on it. But I don't think it's that black or white.

I think it depends on the context of how the swear was used. Like if it emphasizes what you're saying, I think that's fun. If you're saying it like you lost your train of thought like, oh, fucking so shit. That's whatever. But I think it can be used to be like an exclamation point on a clip or a state. statement or anything. I didn't know I had such strong beliefs on swearing.

And you asked. Well, we had this conversation on our walk last night with our kid. And he's like, I don't really understand why I can't cuss. Yeah. And I was like, well, it's the energy on which it rides. Yep. Right? But when my little boy says it, like he was showing me that his cousin was on roadblocks,

but wasn't calling him. And he goes, but he's on the iPad. And then he just looks at me. He goes, what the fuck is happening? He's using it appropriately. He's not being mean. Yeah. It's really funny.

It's definitely funny, but what's wrong with it? And it's funny because I feel very comfortable. I probably swear too much. But I do when I'm like around kids, I tone it back a lot. and probably like most adults do. However, do you swear in front of your son? I mean, I guess enough that he says it. He says it a lot.

Really? A lot. He uses every bad word he can. The older son never does. Yeah. I try not to, but it comes out. Yeah. I have a friend that the couple, they swear in front of their kids constantly.

Yeah, it's hard not to. Yeah. I definitely don't swear in front of other people's kids. When I was a kid, my friend had a piano lesson and his mom forgot. We were like 11. And the mom went, holy shit, fuck, I forgot. I didn't care at all. But you remember it.

I do. That's true. Well, I remember it because the mom called my mom and apologized and said, Oh. Oh. I forgot about Matthew's piano lesson and I swore in front of your son and I was so embarrassed. And my mom was like, his dad swears in front of him all of it. Did he even react?

And she was like, no, he didn't, but I felt bad. My mom was like, believe me, he didn't think twice of it. Yeah. But I just remember that her feeling so embarrassed and calling my mom to apologize. Wow. Yeah, it was very nice, I guess. That is very nice.

Breyer just knows not to say it. So if I ever slip, she'll just be like, well. Yeah. Yeah, but you probably don't do it in front of other people's kids, right? No, but I've slipped. I've said shit on accident, you know? Yeah. I mean, like, what's wrong with it?

I don't know. I feel like there's bigger things out there. Yeah. Shepard does it every day. It's just a word. They pulled out the scissors for his haircut, and he went, Holy shit. I was like, you know, what are you going to do?

It is funny. It's hard not to laugh too. You're like, well, what are you going to do? Yeah. I think we got a letter guy. Yeah, we do. Yeah, as I die. Like, I think you might be dying.

I know. I'm sorry, guys. I'm going to go lay down. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Get better. That was a headgum podcast.