Bros & Shows - Pain With a Purpose feat. Steel (A Podcast about Recovery)

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

From pro ball to rock bottom, Steel Russell’s journey is one of resilience and transformation. After losing his career and battling addiction, Steel found his way to sobriety, becoming an exceptional father, a phenomenal private chef and the co-host of the BravBros Podcast. Tune in to hear this inspiring story of turning pain into purpose. Whats up Bros? This is a special crossover episode of a podcast, Pain With a Purpose, that Steel went on a couple of weeks ago. While we like to keep things light here most of the time, this was an important episode to share because of Steel's journey in recovery. If you ever wanted to know more about Steel's background, where he came from, how he got here today and what his journey with alcohol was like, this is the episode for you. If you do give it a listen, go and give Painwpurpose a follow on Instagram and a listen to some of their other episodes. Chris Woods, the host, is doing an amazing thing by sharing not just the sad and dark parts of addiction and alcoholism, but what those of us are able to do with the newfound respect for life and sobriety. Truer words never spoken, Pain With a Purpose. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Welcome to pain with the problem. purpose, the podcast where we dive deep into the stories of resilience, redemption, and purpose. I'm your host, Chris Woods, and each week we will sit down with guests who have faced challenges with substance abuse, mental health, and recovery. But we're not just well-in-one-one-the-past. Instead, we'll explore what keeps them driven towards a purposeful life. Join us as we navigate the journey from pain to a purpose. Chaunty visuals. Yeah, maybe I'll hit them. up when I need a little tip or trick because I had to figure it all out of my own and that was not

easy I'm still not great at it figuring out what do you get you do something with like a podcast or something I have like a little podcast yeah we'll uh we'll jump into it so welcome back to pain with a purpose episode six um with steel russell are you sure I'm sure for now um steel russell that was probably one of the worst intros i could have given but this is the truth in the matter is that steel is not only first and foremost a father yeah right he's a loving husband yep gainfully employed

a couple times over by yourself I guess you could say yeah I don't like to use the entrepreneur tags I think it sounds dushy sorry to all entrepreneurs out there but yeah a lot I wear a lot of hats

you could say former former baseball player yeah former professional baseball player private chef and podcaster and personal trainer yes so we have a lot to dive

into. Yes. But, you know, obviously, we're all in pain with the purpose. Um, so there's a reason we haven't alluded to yet of why I asked you to be on, but we'll jump into it. Um, so thanks for coming out. Yeah. Yeah. I'm thrilled to be. We've been trying to put this together for what, like three months, two months? I think ever since I had the original thought. Yeah. Yeah. We finally figured it out. You set me to the wrong location, but we, we got here eventually. Yes. Um, yeah. Uh, it's been a, you know, it's been a whole thing. But it is what it is, right? You kind of just like move with time. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I'm just, I'm happy to be here, man. Like, when I saw that you guys were starting this podcast, when you were starting this, even the name resonated, you know,

and we've obviously talked about it. You know, we played softball together as kind of where we met for the first time. And yeah, so when I saw Pain with a Purpose, then the name immediately spoke to him. I was like, oh, that's awesome. And we talked a little bit about it. And again, we've been trying to figure out a time that worked. So I'm glad that we finally got it together. So I'm excited. Absolutely, man. I know that you're always running around.

I was recently just got back from Texas again. Yep. Going back this week. Yep. Or next week? Next Friday. Yeah. So yeah, I definitely really appreciate it.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, man. So let's dive into, like, who is Steel Russell, right? Let's start from, let's start from this. Let's start from your local. You're from PA? I was born in Texas. I moved to Philly when I was seven with my mom and my brother.

I grew up kind of back and forth. My dad was in professional baseball, still is, like, my entire life. So we would go summers with him, holidays with him, full time in Philly. But I lived in Florida, Texas, Canada. Where else? Venezuela for a month. My dad was managing in Winterball. I was going to say, yeah.

I've been all over everywhere. I'm well-traveled, you can say. Yeah, and you still are. I mean, you're still traveling all the time. Yeah. So it's a lot. All right, so you grew up everywhere, essentially. Started playing baseball young.

Yeah. I know that about you. Walk me through that. So, you know, obviously, very successful with baseball. You don't, I mean, listen, making it to D2 is kind of a big deal, right? I think you went a little bit further than that. Talk a little bit about that. Yeah, I mean, like I said, my dad played for the Phillies, the Rangers, the Braves.

He actually met my mom playing for the Phillies because she was the ball girl and he was playing right field. So that means my dad was spitting game during the games to my mom. Love that. Yeah, so my dad got traded to the Rangers. That's when I was born. And then growing up, my dad was a minor league manager, my entire childhood. So every summer was spent going to some random town, like, you know, minor league. towns are in the middle of nowhere the only thing you can guarantee that is in

that town is a waffle house and probably a shitty casino so it was a lot of those towns growing up and I would spend my summers there and from an early age all I wanted to do was play baseball and that's all I really put my time into and obviously growing up in that atmosphere I got to be around a lot of big names and learn from them kind of watch them play like my dad managed his a ball team was insane it was like Johann Santana, David Ortiz, Doug McEvich, God, I'm leaving out so many good ones. Did you mean Poppy?

Big Poppy used to put me in the ceiling. Like these ceiling tiles, you would move them and stick me and my brother up there to mess with us. A.J. Persinski was on that team. So we grew up in a really cool atmosphere as far as baseball goes. And as I started to play, my career progressed. You know, I was decent at it. And I went to CHA, had a good career there, committed to Ohio. played at Ohio State for two years after my red shirt freshman year so my second year there

wasn't getting as much playing time as I'd like so I transferred to junior college because I knew like I said early that all I want to do is play pro ball and I'll do whatever I can to get there so it was all kind of a means to an end for me like I always had that goal in mind so when I went to pick a college I was trying to pick a big name go somewhere get exposure so I can get drafted didn't play as much as I wanted to so I transferred to Juco in West Texas at Midland College which is in if you ever seen Friday Night Lights so it's like Odessa Midland like Midland are you from Midland like that's where I went to junior college and my grandparents are from Odessa so I lived with them commuted to school

every day had a really good season there got drafted by the Orioles played for them for five six seasons parts of six seasons and And then going into my last spring training, my minor league coordinator came up to me and had a meeting with me and was like, hey, man, you can either kick around AA and AAA this year. And, like, the highest level I got to was double A. He's like, you know, you'll kick around, double A, go to AAA, and kind of fill in where we need you. But we had just drafted three catchers in the top five rounds. Some people that watch baseball, Jonah Heim might ring a bell. That's the all-star catcher for the World Series Rangers.

He just got drafted by the Orioles So Jonah was there Austin wins who's a big league catcher now He's in AAA I think with like the Rockies at the moment But The writing was kind of on the wall I was always an organizational guy I was really good defensively

Didn't hit great when I got to pro ball Because they throw splitters and changeups And that's bullshit they should be illegal Because I couldn't hit those So he said you can either do that Or you can start your coaching career And I was like you know what I always figured I would get into coaching

At some point So I was like all right let's do it Let's give it a shot and started coaching and did that for three seasons. And then all of my shit happened. And that got me back to Philadelphia five years ago. So I feel like we could do a whole other episode on, because I have so many questions about like how competitive is like the coaching just in the aspect of, you know,

because I mean, it's not like, you know, me just because I like baseball and I played varsity. Right. That I'd be a candidate for even a varsity high school team. Yeah. Um, so I, you know, whatever, for another time. Yeah, I'm happy to talk about whatever. So you alluded to that's when all of my shit happened. You ended up back in Philly.

Um, so I know, right? Um, because that's kind of how we kind of made this initial connection, right? I remember it vividly, we were down. Where were we? It was a C aisle. Um, we started that was a tournament. Yeah, we played that tournament with, uh, I forget which one it was, but that is where it was. Um, and we were just talking about, you know, everything that happened in my experience and your experience and

you know I immediately didn't have a podcast at the time but I was like you need to do more right because you have a very interesting story and there's also a really huge perception of like what an alcoholic or what a drug addict or what somebody struggling with mental health might look like and for all things considered it wasn't you you know and it's it's interesting you say that because I remember when I got home to Philly in 2018 and got out of rehab and everything and when I saw people from my past life, they were like, oh man, what you've been up to? And eventually that would come out. And the reaction I always got was you? Like, yeah. I'm like, really? Like you? Because, you know, my big thing from an early age, because of how I grew up, you know, my parents getting divorced when I was younger and going back and forth all the time, the only constant really in my life was my older brother. We would go back and forth together. So you learn to become independent at a very young age, which has its benefits, but at the same time it has its downfalls because I just assumed I'm a grown-up. You know, from an early age, I could take care of myself.

If I had an issue, I would handle it. I wouldn't lean on other people. I didn't talk about my shit. So I just thought I was self-sufficient with everything. So when push came to shove and shit got out of hand, it's like I've been able to do everything else I've wanted to do. Anytime I've had a problem, I can fix it. Anytime my friends have a problem, they come to me, my family. Like, that was the big thing in my family.

I was the peacekeeper. Anything went wrong. I was always the middleman. And same with my friend group. I was the guy that would take care of things. Like, I'll help you out. So when it came to trying to deal with alcohol, it didn't resonate. I didn't understand why is this thing kicking the shit out of me?

And it pissed me off. And instead of, you know, swallowing my pride and being like, hey, I'm fucked up. Instead, I'm like, I'll figure it out, I'll figure it out, it's getting worse and worse. No, no, no, no, you got it. Like, eventually you'll figure it out. Like, don't worry about it. So it's this double-edged sword of, you know, you want to be, quote-unquote, a man. And like my dad growing up, you know, he's from Oklahoma, he's in baseball.

So it's a mindset of rub some dirt on it, pick yourself up by your bootstraps, all that shit. So that was ingrained in me where it's like asking for help is soft or being emotional, being vulnerable, up to people and allowing yourself to either get help or just say I need help was so foreign to me that I never even broached the topic. And I don't know how you were raised, right, but you talked a little bit about like your perception of your dad and it's not like I went through the same thing where it was not, nobody ever told me that I wasn't allowed to do any of this stuff. It was just how I perceived the world and when I perceived being a man and much like yourself

and it make it as far as you, right? but by all means, it was like, if you want something, you're going to fail the first time, and then you're going to bear it on, you're going to do what you have to do and get whatever that is that I was seeking, right? And turns out I can do that in every aspect of my life, except drinking and drugging.

And unlike yourself, I went to treatment so many times with the thought of there's no way. There's no way that you're going to tell me that I can't do this, this, this, and this, or act this way, or this way, or whatever it was, that was going on in my head where I was like you're going to tell me

that I have to do a bunch of this stuff to remain sober or be in recovery and I was like kick rocks there's no way yeah it's this daunting feeling

of like and I'll never forget pulling up to rehab with my parents as my mom my stepdad were in the car just the premise of it

right the overshadowing fear of one how the fuck are they going to tell me what to do two how am I going to

stay here for x amount of days that i don't really know and three how is this supposed to fix things like i'm in charge of myself i fix things like i can figure this out and that's the craziest thing when you get so far down this rabbit hole you still think that you got it you know what i mean like even at the end i'm falling apart i'm physically dying and i'm like we didn't talk about that yet oh we'll get there but in that moment i still have this like inkling in my head like I'll figure it out. It's like now you dumbass like just look around you know take some take some time to understand where you are right now instead of trying to figure out how you're going to get out of it but I think that's how we all are on this side of the street you know it's it's what leads us down

that path is that we are self-sufficient we are independent we can get put into a shitty situation and usually figure our way out of it right and that's what was so remarkable for me when I got into this world when I started to get clean and sober and when I started to see the people around me and honestly why you and I even before we talked about it like we connected pretty early like we just got along it's because I was so good at softball it's because you're a stud it's off well you can't run but you're get a pinch runner for it every time pinch runner for woods yeah but there's just something there and you can kind of feel it when you're around the same kind of people where they've been through it it's this unspoken bond and it's this incredible community to be a part

of, but there's just this like-mindedness that you can't seem to get out of. And it's in a lot of ways really beneficial. There's a lot of positives that come from when you learn how to use it the right way. But on the flip side, if you're going down the wrong path, it will continue to lead you on that path because you have this thing in your head

that's like you got this, you got this. No matter what's going on, you'll figure it the fuck out. And eventually you don't. And that's when you go, shoot. Well, the flip side for me is that I wasn't like anybody when I was when I was like in it when I was you know in and out of treatment when I was struggling I remember and I don't know if it was like the sense of entitlement or ego pride whatever the list goes on and on where I would look at people like just going to work

I'm like how are they doing it right what are you on what are you doing because I couldn't figure it out and then when it got to the point where I needed to get help I'm not like I'm not as bad as these people like don't don't group me with them when I absolutely if not, was worse. Because forget about the substance and everything else that I was actually putting in my body. I was sicker than everybody else. Yeah.

Whatever. I'll go on a bunch of tangents like that. That's what we're here for, man. I think that what you start to learn in this process on both sides, whether you're on your side, you're the interviewer versus the interviewee. As you go through it,

you start to learn that, you know, this right now is just as much for me as it is for you, right? For you to be able to talk about your experiences, relate, be able to say certain things and have somebody resonate and be like, yep, feel you. And just the catharticness, if that's a word, of these kind of things,

whether it's a podcast or a conversation or you're watching something or listening to something, there's just something therapeutic and necessary for anybody involved. Like I said, you're interviewing me, sure. But at the same time, I know you're getting something out of this as well. That's helping you move forward. And that's what this community does.

And that's when you learn that you're not alone on an island and you learn how to use your resources, the people around you. That's when you start to make progress and be like, oh, one, there's a lot of people out here just like me. Two, by opening up and being vulnerable and able to talk about it, you're only progressing more and more. The levels that you don't really know you have in you until you get there, you're like, oh, shit. and you look around, I'm sure you've had these moments. Absolutely. You're standing somewhere, and it could be so mundane. And I'll never forget it.

A good example. I was, you know, my wife and I bought a house in Lafayette Hill. My daughter was in town for the summer, and I'm out front doing yard work. And Poppy, my daughter's playing in the street with all the neighborhood kids. We've got a great neighborhood with tons of kids in it. And I looked through the window, and Dev, my wife, she's on the Peloton, like in the back room. And it was like the middle of summer. It's like six in the afternoon.

And it's just this beautiful, normal suburban scene. And I'll never forget standing there, like getting choked up. I'm like, how the fuck did you get here in a good way? Like, how did you do this? This is amazing. Like, it's so simple. And it's so, it's like you watching people go to work, right? So simple.

Yeah. But when you get there, after you've been through what you've been through, you're like, holy shit, this is all I need. It's all I wanted. I just didn't know how to get to it. I also didn't know it at the time. No, you don't, right? I wanted all the flashy stuff.

I wanted everything. I mean, listen, you know, this is going to be on social media. You know, we're literally pouring into this at the same time. So it's a double-ended sword in that sense, too. But it's like I wanted everything that I just didn't have yet. Yeah. Turns out I can get a lot of that stuff and I don't want it. That's what I'm saying, man.

And that's what, you know, I wanted to be a professional baseball player. I grew up around some of the greatest to do it. I went to Ohio State University. I got drafted by the Orioles. I'm playing, I live six months in Australia, playing in the Australian Baseball League. Like, I did all of these crazy things, and that was my only sole focus to the point that

when I got out of baseball, I was so lost because my entire identity, my entire personality was wrapped up in, I'm a baseball player. Positioning a number. Right. That's my life. And if I'm not successful there,

what the fuck am I going to be successful at? And it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me to step away from the game to realize that there's so much more to life. Whatever you think your number is, whatever you think your lot in life is, I promise you. There's way, way more out there. And sometimes, like I said, it's just the simple shit. Having a home base. I lived out of a fucking hotel or apartment for seven, eight, eight and a half years. Every six months, I move apartments.

And then during the season, I would stay in an apartment with, like, like six dudes, three bedroom apartment, two guys living in the living room on air mattresses. If you paid more money, got to live in the bedroom, no furniture. And like, that was my life. That was my normal. And I never forget my big wake-up call with that one day. His people always say, like, oh, that must have been awesome.

Don't get me wrong. Like, professional baseball was incredible. And I'm grateful I got to play. I'm grateful I got to grow up in it. But I think it was like 25. And I was on the road. I was in AA. And I think we were in Erie, because that hotel sucked.

And, Eerie PA, the Erie Sea Wolves is a double A team. And there's this hotel, dude, and it was like, you know those hotels with the pool inside, the rooms are around it, but it's indoor. So everything in the hotel is wet. You wake up and the door has condensation on it. Your clothes smell like shit. And you're just like, I remember, I have my own room. I can literally picture it right now.

Yeah, you can smell it. You can like taste it and feel it. where a lot of conventions are held. It's, oh. Yeah, it's those kinds of play. That's where I lived pretty much because of baseball. And I remember waking up

and putting my clothes on, they were damp. I looked at the door, it was like sweating. And I was like, what the fuck, dude? Like my friends at this point had careers.

They graduated college. They were moving up. I'm making $1,200 a month playing double A baseball in the middle of nowhere. And I had this weird moment where I'm like, one, this is kind of dark.

Two, I'm more comfortable here in this hotel room than when I get back to wherever my home is in that apartment. Yep. I would rather be in the hotel. I'm like, that's probably not great. Yeah. And that was, I still had three more years of pro ball after that. Well, you're also still, you're always used to being around people 24-7, right? Because that's got to play a huge, I mean, you have a family now, so you know, in a different sense, that's got to play a huge part too.

Yeah, it does. I mean, you know, that's interesting, especially in professional baseball, because, yeah, you're constantly surrounded by the guys and your teammates and your coaches, you've got spring training, then season, all that, and then instructional league after the season, or winter ball, whatever you're doing. But at the same time, it's lonely and so isolating because, yeah, those are your boys, they're your teammates, your ride or die for each other. At the same time, the other catchers on the team, who I'm spending most of my time with,

If I tear an ACL, they're not that bummed out because they get to play. They get to play more. Like, it's this weird sense of, yeah, these are my friends, but at the same time, I don't really know them. They don't really know me. Everybody's really just looking for a shot, too. That's all you're doing. You're waiting for your turn. You are literally in A ball waiting for the AA catcher to get hurt.

So you can go up and play. When you're in double, you're waiting for the AAA or the big league catcher to get hurt. So you can go play. So you're always waiting for something. So it's this weird, isolated lifestyle. And in the meantime, outsiders looking in are going, that's so cool. So in your head, you're like,

I have to make it seem cool because I don't want people to know that actually I'm pretty fucking lonely and not very happy right now. And who do you, at that time, you might not have really been conscious of it, but who do you talk to? Nobody.

I'm sure the team has something. But you don't go to them. No, and like we had, when I was in baseball, is when they started to, there's been this major shift in professional sports in general, which is great, that it's much more health focused. It's much more mental health focused.

I was like the last generation of professional baseball where it's like, all right, games over at 10, dive bar at 11, bed by two or three, wake up at noon, do it all over again. And that was our lifestyle. In the heat. In the heat. Like that's what we like to do. And that was how I grew up, seeing those guys do it.

So that's what I did. That's what my teammates did. Like, that's what we enjoyed doing. Now, like my little brother, he's in the Royals organization. You just got drafted. Remember that, yeah. They're night and day different. When they get done games, they do yoga, and they drink green smoothie, and they do breathing exercise.

It's a different time. It's great, though. Like, that should be because your body is your livelihood, right? So we're treating our bodies like shit because we're professional athletes. That's what we do versus, no, maybe take care of. of yourself a little bit more. So I'm glad the shift has happened. But when I played, again,

there's so much testosterone in that room all the time that you don't want to seem like a bitch, right? You don't want to be that guy where it's like, oh, I need to go talk to a therapist or, oh, hey, man, I don't think I'm doing very well mentally. Like, can we have a talk? Like, you don't want to open yourself up to that, not because the other guys wouldn't be open to it

because they're going through it too, right? Everyone goes through this stuff, whether it's baseball, fresh out of college, whatever your career choices, whatever your path of life. It doesn't matter, right? It's just, that's what my reality was. And I knew that I was not comfortable letting people know that I was hurting.

I was not comfortable being vulnerable and opening myself up to criticism or admitting, hey, I'm just not okay. And that hurdle, and, you know, especially for men, like we have this roadblock for whatever reason. And it could be generational, like, from our parents to us. And it's definitely easier now and more people are talking about it, which is incredible. But especially when we were growing up and in our 20s, whatever, that was such a thing where it's like, no, no, no.

Don't be a bitch, dude. Don't be a bitch. Which at the same time, looking back, it's like, you're a bitch if you can't talk about it. But to understand and finally realize that, I had to go through what I went through or I wouldn't have had my eyes open. I also think, and this is more of a normality now, like us talking about this on a public platform, if you will. But I think it all started to kind of break the ice when people started doing exactly this. Yeah.

You know, looking back on it, especially now, and what I do for work and even like my friends, you know, if people don't want to talk, it's like, open up, man. Yeah. Like, it's really not that big of a deal. But I remember back in grade school, high school, I'd be dying inside, who knows, right? Like, and that's, and I think I actually absorbed some of this, maybe this idea or conception in a treatment center, but it was like, you could punch me in the face right now, right?

And I would get over quicker than if I were to find out that you were talking shit about me for the last week behind my back. Yeah. Because that other stuff, I got like, at least that's in public or, you know, whatever happened or, you know, we get the fight, whatever the case may be. The other stuff, I'm going back home and not talking to anybody about, and I'm just thinking about it. And I'm just dwelling on it. And it's, I don't know. Much like yourself, I had to go through what I had to go through to finally find this idea.

Or, you know, I've come to this. Like a realization, right? It's like almost without sounding too, whatever, like almost like an awakening, where it's like you find this whole different side of you that you weren't aware was there. You didn't know you could tap into this. And once you find it, you're like, oh, wow, this is way easier. Yeah. It's still hard.

but I'm able to handle it so much better. You talked about not to side track or go back to what we were just talking about, but you talked about like a really cool moment that you had at the house, right? And it was like all, you know, it was just like this snapshot of everything that you wanted to life. And it just all came to fruition in one moment. I had one the other day. And I was screaming up to my wife who was working. I think she was still working.

So she was probably pissed that I was screaming her name. But the kids were home and they didn't really understand. My twins are seven. but this, I don't know her name. She's been my neighbor, across the street neighbor for coming up on six years. You don't know her name. You don't know her name. I'm not good like that.

I'm really not. And I'm sorry if you ever watch this podcast, but congrats on the graduation. We'll call her Ethel. Ready to go Ethel. So, yeah, she got out of the car with her mom and dad, right? And she gets out, mom's wearing the graduation cap. She gets out with the gown on, right? And she walks into the house.

And I'm like, oh, that's awesome. she graduated today. Didn't know if it was high school, didn't know if it was college. But as soon as she walked back out, mom plopped the, you know, SJU right on the lawn. Obviously it's college.

And then she goes and knocks on the neighbor's door, right? And I'm getting like emotional thing about it. And I don't know why. But she was proud to show the neighbor that I assume has probably followed her entire life. Right. That she just graduated from college. And mom and dad were out there taking a picture

of like his initial reaction. and I'm screaming at my wife I'm like you gotta look outside look outside she's like what and I'm like getting choked up like you know screaming her name like saying getting her attention but like I don't notice stuff like that when I'm out there

and that's what we're talking about I don't want to get too corny about like recovery in the big book and things of that nature but you want to talk about the fourth existence right being in the right here right now like that's some shit that's literally what my life

life has become about and you know when I I talk some on my Instagram not as much as I used to but I make sure I at least make like a video every year on my sobriety date talk about it like what I've been feeling or thinking about or sharing my story again anything that pertains to the moment in the moment and that's my focus now and I talk about it a lot is taking stock in your moments and a lot of people don't do that and it's not their fault and it's no one's to blame you get caught up in the rat race you get caught up in work you get caught up in your kids schedules whatever it might be like life speeds up so fast that it's nice to have a reminder everyone so I'll take a step back and look around and it's the moments because the moments are what's going to get you through a downtime the moments are going to get you through when shit hits the fan and you're not sure which way to turn that moment of seeing your neighbor graduate I'm so innocuous, right? Not life-changing for you, for them, obviously. Congratulations on the graduation, but you're just the third party to it. But at the same time, being able to step back and recognize, wow, good for them. Sharing it with the neighbor. They must be invested in their life. That's a beautiful thing. This is such a beautiful moment that you've gotten to witness 15 years ago you wouldn't have fucking cared. I wouldn't have cared, but I also, I don't know why I had such a moment. I went through like multiple thoughts. I was like, imagine like the rough times, right? Like, imagine like the times that. this girl might not have wanted to finish high school, right?

Imagine the times where she didn't want to go to college. And next thing, you know, then I went into, like, this segue thought of, imagine how, like, good of a family they might have, like how close they are, right? And maybe it's the truth, maybe it's not. I had no idea. But a lot of, like, what I try to model me and my daughters after,

kind of just, like, transposed in front of my eyes. And I was like, this is a pretty cool moment. That's amazing. And that's taking stock in a month. moment. That's recognizing a scenario and that's the biggest thing is usually the moments are something that seem not that big of a deal. It's standing and watching my daughter play with the kids, but my wife's inside in the middle of summer and I'm just like, wow, I'm like a suburban dad right now and that's fucking awesome. Yeah. It can be anything. And it's just if you're not present,

one, it's not your fault. Shit happens. Life speeds up, like I said. But being present, enough to recognize that and then say, oh shit, I need to slow down and step back and just look. And it might be something in your life. It might be something in someone else's life. It might be a post. And like that's when you said earlier that kind of like perked my ear up is you don't want to get corny, right? You don't want to get corny. But at the same time, there's so much to be said about the corny shit when it comes to sobriety one day at a time.

Like shit like that. Where it's like, yeah, duh. But or like just ask for help. Like all of these different things that we're taught to do. do on paper look and sound corny, but the corny shit a lot of the time is the best shit. Like sometimes it's nice to be corny.

It's nice to sit back and get choked up at a moment that you don't even know their name and you're sitting there trying to hold back tears. That means that you're present and feeling. And you know what it's like to not feel feelings. And that is a horrifying thing. So from that, to have that moment is such a beautiful thing to be able to get to that place

in our lives where... You are present enough to recognize those things. And that's the biggest lesson I think is that you don't have to be using or drinking to miss that stuff. That's universal. Whatever you're going through job, career, your pursuits, maybe you're just depressed. Maybe it's something else. That's a lesson that everybody can take home because we get so caught up in shit that you don't

just pause and go, yeah, you know what? And like a big thing that I try to live my life by is, because I got sick of the trope in like meetings or rehab when people would say that life sucks, stuff like that. Because then we'll get into, you know, the dark part of my stuff in a little bit. But as somebody that almost died, life does not suck. Life is hard.

Life gets really fucking hard. But life does not suck. I promise you that. I promise the alternative or being close to the alternative. is infinitely worse than going through a hard time living. The difference is being able to recognize while you are alive and in the moment when you're having a moment to be like, oh shit, hold up.

I need to take a breath, I need to look around, I need to take stock in my life, take stock in my moments, take a little inventory as to what's good right now. Doesn't mean it's gonna fix everything, doesn't mean you're gonna wake up the next day and be like, oh, I'm good now. But it points you in the right direction to be able to recognize I need to make a change.

or I'm simply unhappy and you need to ask for help, but if you're not within yourself, with your present, present moment and self, that stuff will go over your head. Using or not, drinking or not, that's universal, and I'll learn that pretty quickly. Yeah, I don't know, so the way that I perceive all of that, right, is, you know, you talked about life being really tough, right?

Like, life doesn't really suck, but it can absolutely be really difficult. Yeah. Multiple times a week. And everything that we're talking about is all great, right? And I guess we had a moment. I have multiple moments. And I know there's many more moments to come if I continue down this path.

Yes. But that's not always the story. But early on in my sobriety, I don't know why the original thought. I don't know where I got this idea of stuff. But I'm a firm believer. And maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. But it works for me.

That nothing happens by mistake. You know, I'm also. you know like I didn't go through everything that I went through to get to this side and have a tough day and just get dropped here right so that's kind of what I try to keep in the forefront of my mind even if like some catastrophic stuff is going on okay it's just another day yeah it's just another moment this moment just not as beautiful to see otherwise the other one absolutely if I got through what I got through to get to this point I'm fairly certain I can get through the next one too now granted

that there's some really horrible things that happen. And again, there might be some really bad stuff down the road. I don't know. But up until this point, that's been my experience. And it hasn't been just a couple of weeks, God, you know, God, I thank God for that. I don't know how I'm still sober, but I am. So I'm a firm believer of that. It's funny you said that because, and again, I'm saving the story from we get into it.

But there was a moment, my second day in rehab, there was a guy in there that was getting out the following day and he'd been there for 60 days I believe and I'm talking to him and I'm still in that that mindset of like how the fuck am I supposed to stay here for at the very least 30 days if not more and when you get in I think that's the initial thought for most people's like what do you mean I have to stay here for at least a month like that's a really really long time to be here so I just asked him I was like, how do you do this? How do you stay here?

And he was like, all right, I want you to think about the worst thing you've ever been through other than this. Think about the worst moment of your life up until this point. All right, I'm thinking about it. He goes, do you still think about that often? I'm like, no.

Think about the second worst thing you've been through. You think about that? I'm like, no. No matter what you've been through, at some point, it will pass. That trope, that corny trope, Once again, this two shall pass. That is 100% true.

And anybody listening, think about some of the toughest shit you've been through. Think about high school, right? Think about all the dumb shit in high school. It seems like it is the end of the world. You don't think about that shit anymore. And he was saying this to me. He said, sometimes, man, he goes,

you've got to dig your fucking heels in, grit your teeth, and just get through it. Just get through it. Because one day you're going to look back at this. It might be a month, a year, two years. You're going to look back and be like, man, that feels like 10 years ago, but it just happened. But that is true for anything that anyone's been through.

And yeah, sure. Again, it might take a week, a month, a year, two, five. I'm not trying to minimize anybody's experience. But eventually, this two shall pass. You will get past it and you will be looking back. So he said to me, he's like, dude, however long you're here, grind, or sorry, grit your teeth, dig your heels in, and just fucking get through it. And that was, like you said before, right place, right time,

nothing happens by mistake, everything happens for a reason. That be my second day there and getting that advice right out of the gate was monumental and started my shift towards everything happens for reason. I was not that guy before. No, not even close. Yeah, coincidence, my, like, it just happened by chance, whatever. I believe wholeheartedly now that you are meant to be where you are at all times. things happen for a reason.

The big moments in your life, you're there to experience that intentionally. And I'm not super religious, so I'm not going to say that's God. I'm not not religious, but there's just something out there that puts you in the position to move forward in your life.

Now, when you get to that point, that's when you need to make a decision, go this way or go that way, but you are put in a position intentionally throughout your life. I firmly believe that. Absolutely. I mean, we're talking about some

deep stuff. So if anybody's listening, we'll get into, like, the dark stuff and, like, what it brought us to this point at some point. But I will take a second. If you do enjoy what we're talking about, like this reel or whatever you see on Facebook, right? So we're on Facebook, PaineW Purpose, YouTube, Pain with a Purpose podcast, and Apple and Spotify, Pain with a Purpose.

We greatly appreciate it. The support, you have no clue how often it just brightens my day. So, yeah, love all you for watching. Thanks for watching. If you are watching, if you're not watching, I'm going to keep doing this by myself. I don't care. Get those plugs in, you got to plug, yeah.

Yeah, you know what I mean? But, yeah, talking about plugs. You have a podcast. I do have a podcast. So we'll jump, we'll segue into that, and then we'll get back to the deep stuff, right? Because we've been deep for a while. Yeah, we can take a breather.

And this is the deal, right? Because we could be here for four hours. If we just stay deep, we would just be here. Bro, I could talk to until 6 a.m. tomorrow. And I would love it because I would have a ton of footage. But, yeah, the cameras won't hold up. No. No.

But yeah, so you have a podcast. I do. Talk to us about that. Talk to us about Brabros. All right. So, Brov Bros is my podcast, me and Shooter McGuder. Shooter. Shooter is his nickname since high school.

So I've known this idiot since we were 15 years old. And, you know, when I got back home, that was another part of my journey is I pretty much lost track and lost connection with all of my friends back on. Didn't really talk to them anymore. So when I moved back, we got back in touch. And I did with, like, my whole high school friend group was all still pretty tight, which was awesome. So I kind of fell right back into it, which was great. But we have a podcast that talks about Bravo TV. Say it with a straight face.

I can't, not because I'm not proud of it. Absolutely not. That's me because like the premise and the fact that it has done what it's done to this point is still so remarkable and astounding to me that like I can't say it without kind of smirking because it just it hasn't sank in yet. Can't believe it. No, but you know it started because it was pandemic quarantine. Like remember those two weeks we weren't about to leave? So I lived in a row home at the time with Devin. We were dating at the time.

We weren't engaged yet. but we were living in a Roe Home and she was starting Vanderpump Rules, which is a Bravo TV show for those that are unacquainted, uh, from season one episode one. Like I just, I'm going to rewatch it because What year did it come out?

BPR came out, oh, 2011 maybe. Okay, so she was, she was starting afresh and she was, there were seven seasons at that point. And she had seen it already, but she wanted to do like a deep dive back into it. And we, the place is not very big. That's why I emphasized Roeholm. So I can't, like, escape to another room and, like, do something else because like upstairs like the bedrooms yeah in the living room she's starting from like season

one episode one we're on lockdown we can't leave the house and she's watching bravo i'm on my phone trying not to pay attention and you just hear the shit come out of the tv and you're like what did they just say to each other like you can't say that to people because it's not like jersey short it's deeper than that it's different than that so like i start paying attention a little bit next thing i know i'm watching it next thing i know she's going to bed and i'm binge watching like seven of them bitches, like in a row, boop, boop, boop, to the point I finished seven seasons, and they're not sure, they're like 15 episode seasons,

like 45 to an hour, an episode plus reunion episodes. I finished seven seasons in like eight days. Crushed it, loved it, needed more. I'm like, what's next? You didn't struggle during COVID. No, we're doing well. Oh, we had a great time. We're a lot of we talk about all the time.

Yeah. That was way better than it could have been. Like, we really enjoyed ourselves. And after I got done that, I was like, what's next? She's like, oh, now we've got to start the Housewives. That's like the big ticket on Bravo. We've got to get into the Housewives. So we started watching Real Housewives of New York.

Okay, so I thought Bravo Bros was just Banner Pump Rules. Oh, no. So this is all, anything that's on Bravo? All of it. I watch like eight hours of Bravo a week and talk about it for like eight hours a week. Well, yeah. We do five episodes a week, an hour each. We're doing that many a week.

Yeah, bro. And we watch every show unless we're like, if we're five or six episodes in and that's flopping and like nobody's paying attention to it, we'll move on to a different one just because we want to give our listeners what they want to hear. But we were at a party

and Shooter was there, I was there, and Shooter and I'd already talked Bravo, so I knew he was into it. And, you know, the dudes were downstairs, the ladies were upstairs, and we were walking upstairs, and they were talking about Bravo. They were talking, I believe, about Bandervo,

pump or Jersey. Real House House, I was in New Jersey. I'm not sure which one, but I was up on both. I knew what was going on both. And somebody made a comment. I'm like, nah, she sucks. And they're like, oh, what? Like, what about this? And we gave our opinion. They tried to test it. Oh, yeah. And they're like, oh, shit, you guys really watch. We're like, yeah. And so Dev heard about it. And I was talking to Dev about it. She's like, oh, you guys just start a podcast. Ha, ha. I'm ever since especially rehab and everything I have zero shame like I will try whatever and so I'm like okay so the next day was a Saturday morning I woke up drove to guitar center walked in I'll never forget like this he had to big 19 and I walked in like the audio video section I was like hey man I'm starting a podcast and I don't know what to get and he's like okay like I'm another guy's another one here we go and And he's like, all right, well, here's this and this and he racked up this shit for like a thousand dollars. I was like, no, no, no. I need to give me the basics, two microphones and something to plug into my computer, which by the way did not have a laptop at the time. My wife had a MacBook that she hadn't used in six years. And she's like, you can try it.

That's what I'm rocking on. There you up. And she pulled it out of like a storage bin. It still worked. And I plugged in all of our shit to that. I think I spent $130. Okay. And we started this podcast.

Yeah. And I had no idea what we were doing, had a blast with it. And after like five or six episodes, I started reaching out to, I just Googled, biggest Bravo podcast. And I got clips on our reels or whatever and just sent them and said, hey, here's who we are. Like, we're two straight dudes that review Bravo TV. We would love to come on your podcast.

So typically the people you were reaching out to. There were not two other straight men. We are the only, there's another, Ryan Bailey, who we work with a lot, he's awesome. He has so bad at school

with Ryan Bailey. He's been doing it for a long time. But as far as like the Bravo sphere, like, no, there's not a whole lot of straight dudes doing what we're doing. So we found a niche

in a saturated market. And I recognized that early. And I was like, I think this could be a thing. I don't know, but I think it could be. So I started to reach out. And this guy,

Zach Peter, who we work with all that we do live shows with him, He's a great dude, and he helps us out a lot. He's kind of been a mentor for us along the way. And he's got no filter with Zach Peter, and I sent him a message of like 30,000 followers. We have like 30.

And he was like, oh, my God, I love you guys. Like, this would be awesome. Come on my show. So we went on his show. We went from 100 listeners to like 1,000 listeners the next week. Yeah. Then my wife kept bugging me. She said, like, you've got to make a TikTok.

And I'm like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to be a TikToker, quote. Like, you have to make a TikTok. So her and her mom were going to dinner, and I filmed them leaving the house. Didn't tell them what I was doing. Just filmed them leaving the house. And I was like, waving.

Oh, I've seen this. You've seen this. So I exposed it the other day because it was like our anniversary. It was like two years. And so she's leaving the house. And I'm waving at her. And she's like, what are you doing? Bye.

I'm like, see you? So I shut the door and flip the camera around in my face. And I'm like, Dev's out of the house tonight. You know what that means. And I also shaved a mustache because people said, looked like Miles Teller and I wanted to get our listeners to vote on that to see if I actually did so I had a stupid mustache and I start like shutting the blinds I like I light the candle it looks like I'm about to do some gross shit and I flipped the camera around

one more time it's me like kicking my feet up and housewives is playing so I post that on TikTok and I went to sleep and I totally forgot that I'd made this TikTok it was nothing until like four in the afternoon the next day and I'm like oh shit I got to check TikTok I like maybe we got 10 I got 10 likes we got 10 we got 10 likes we got 20,000 followers overnight. Oh my God. They just jumped off. And that took our listeners from like 1,000 to like 2,000.

And then from there, it's been a lot of networking. Zach has been incredible in introducing us to other people. He did our fee, was doing a live show. He was like, do you guys want to come and do a live show? And that was like my number one goal. That was D.C.? Or that was the most recent one? No, that was the most recent one with D.C.

But no, our first one was in Philly with Zach. the city winery downtown yeah um he's like you want to come do that and we're like absolutely so we did that and then from there it's just been like we were talking about before you know ideally how this game kind of works is you'll kind of spike then you'll plateau for a while then you'll spike plateau and you kind of just grow gradually but it's been this whirlwind of you know we would go viral on ticot or we'd go viral on instagram we'd get a bunch of followers and then it just started to kind of pick up speed to the point where we signed with a company, they were dog shit, I won't name what the company is, but I hate them.

And then from there, we sign with this newer company, the guy we're working with now, Scott, who has been a godsend, and it's just kind of taken on a life of its own. It's been one of the coolest things I've ever done. I've been very fortunate in my life to have a lot of really cool opportunities. I don't take that for granted. but this has been something I'd never imagine you know

that was gonna be my next question yeah like five years ago sitting in rehab six years ago sitting in rehab it was five yeah it'll be six years in August yeah you know like uh yeah you know what I'm done with baseball I'm gonna be I'm gonna get podcast on bravo yeah Bravo TV podcast like totally makes sense that's where I saw my life

going but you know that because of where I was in my life at that point in a positive way I've learned that, you know, my biggest, I'm now given, like, a few mottos tonight that I kind of try to live by. My biggest one, for sure, without a doubt, is if you work hard, if you surround yourself with good people,

and if you genuinely try to be a good person, don't tell yourself you're a good person if you're being an asshole. Genuinely try your best to be a good person and surround yourself with the good people, good things happen. And that's been kind of my mantra since I got out of rehab is just to buckle down, keep your head down and work and be nice to people and be open to new experiences, be open to new perspectives and all these different things. And what that gives you is weird opportunities out of nowhere. All of the things I have now, I'm a private chef and I've

cooked for Michael Rubin. I've cooked for Michael Nutter. I've cooked for the owner of the Sixers. That's not Michael Rubin. I've cooked for a lot of incredible people that, like, the only only way that came about, and I'm sorry if I'm ranting for too long here, but during the pandemic, the pandemic for me, I did big things in the pandemic. I didn't realize that until right now. Many people did. Yeah, it was a, it was an interesting time, right? Because everyone kind of got to focus on. Go back to the drawing board. Yeah, exactly. Like, I've got time to kind of like rethink some things. And a lot of people took advantage of that, which is, you know, a silver lining of that disaster. But I was making food. I've always loved cooking, didn't go to culinary school. cooked my whole life my mom loved to cook i love to cook so during the pandemic i really got into it and my sister riley who was 23 was like you should start an instagram and just post your food i'm like cool so she's like oh call it steals meals and i was like great good idea i started this instagram account and i was working at a gym personal training at the time in chestnut hill called balance and while I was working there this woman was walking out who was a concierge in the area

and she's like I when you cook for people do you cook at their house or do you drop the food off for them I was like I don't do either of those things I take a picture and then I eat it and that's it like what would you want to because I have a private chef that is sick and she's like I've got this couple that lives downtown and it's their anniversary and him and his husband want to have a private chef come to the house and cook for him. Would you be interested? And I'm like, fuck it. Why not? Let's give it a shot. And the worst thing I could ever do was Google the family because it's like, now you're nerves. It's the second wealthiest family in Philadelphia is the first thing it says on Google. I'm like, oh, okay, cool. And they want lobster, which I've never

cooked before. Truffle mashed potatoes, mushroom soup, which I've never made before, and a few other things. And so their house was on Delancey downtown, which is this beautiful street. And this house is like, I want to say it's like 8,000 square feet in the middle of the city. And I show up. And you can, here's a little tip for everybody. You can peel potatoes early and put them in a bowl of water and they won't turn brown. So if you want to do like the prep work, you can do that. So I peeled all my potatoes

to make the truffle mashed potatoes. I get out of my truck. It took me forever to find a parking spot because fucking M-night shamelons filming a movie downtown in the area. So I couldn't find a parking spot. Parked illegally. From Lafayette Hill.

What's up? I think he's from Lafayette Hill. M-night? Hey. Look it up. Someone fact-check us. I can neither confirm nor do you night. But hey, maybe.

But all the streets are closed. I got a ticket because I park your legal, whatever. So I get all my shit out of the car. and the fucking potato water just spills like all over me. I'm like, great. Don't have time to do anything about it. Walk up to the house, knock on the door, and they open it.

I mean, you're talking like 15 foot ceilings, ornate hand-carved wood, stained glass windows. There's organ music playing throughout the house. Come to find out this man's an organ enthusiast. And in the basement, because I went down there to get all the silverware, the wall was moving because it's a self-playing organ in the house. and thank God this couple these dudes turned out to be the nicest guys in the world they were so easy going so it put me at ease I didn't know how to cook lobster I know

to cook it now if you're going to put it in the oven and broil it you got to stick a skewer through it so that the tail isn't curl didn't know that so I stick the lobster in the oven tails curl pull them out they're fucking ruined I'm panicking you serve them oh this is what I've learned something you had to call it a couple of wrong something always goes wrong to be prepped to do something different. So I chopped it into chunks, tossed it in lemon, butter, and parsley on the stove and made a warm lobster salad, as I called it,

served it on top of a filet. And when I got done and went out there to check and was like, how was everything like, oh, this lobster's exquisite. Could you bring some more? I'm like, no problem, guys. It's one of my go-toes. Yeah, it's one of my standards.

But it went really well. And from there, the woman that hooked me up with that job I was like, well, I've got this other client out on the main line. They're looking for a chef. Would you like to cook for them? And I was like, yeah, sure. So I went to their house in Longport, cooked for them. And it kind of took off from there.

But again, like, right place, right time. That's dumb luck. I mean, I performed when I had to. But being there for that opportunity was luck. And that's where it comes into my mindset of work hard, surround yourself with good people, be a good person, and good shit happens. it's and it's funny i don't know if you've ever like thought about it like this right but the first one was made by a comment uh by her devon right now wife yep um you should start a podcast yeah right

took the suggestion you did it yep your sister should make like an instagram and call it steal meals okay sure right that went the correct way as well right uh you took probably a few suggestions when you left rehab no yeah and this is the trajectory of your life right but I always thought right because I always call it judgment call it perception call it whatever you want I thought that you know Major League Baseball player

comes out right and like is already on the trajectory to do well whatever the case may be right but now when I look more into it it's so much deeper than that and again that's just my own shit if you will you know because I think I judge everybody

before I know them or I I think everybody does. I create a story of what I think I know about somebody. That's human nature, I believe. Yeah. Yeah, but sometimes I get too wrapped up. Yeah, yeah, stuff where I'm like, you scum. You would think that.

Yeah, you'd work hard for it. You know, like, that's like, that's how sick I could be. But anyway, I digress. All right, so you did the private chef stuff. Still currently doing that. Yeah, I still do that. Enough of the good stuff. We'll probably, we'll probably, we'll probably you into, you know, let's dive into it.

You want to get into the dark stuff? I want to hear about, I want to hear about getting me out of the dugout. Man, all right, let's talk about it. If you're going to talk about it. Let's do it. No, yeah, I'm more than happy to tell my story. And so, you know, I'll start from like the beginning of the end, as, you know, most of us like to start there.

But I was coaching. I was married at the time to my ex-wife, the mother of my, my daughter, Poppy, and, you know, we got married super young. I was 23, he was 21. Wow. Yeah, but that, that's kind of the baseball and, like, the South. Like, I was spending, I lived in Texas. Military, too.

Military, like, you know, it's just kind of ingrained, you know, especially in Pro Bowl, for whatever reason. It's just kind of like, yeah, you get married between 23 and 25. And again, I thought I was a grown-up, and, you know, we had some tough times. And, like, towards the end of everything, That's when my drinking started to pick up. And, you know, when we got separated is really when it took a turn for me. I mean, I had a drinking problem before that.

I was an alcoholic before we got separated. But when she moved back to Texas with my daughter is when I realized that I no longer had responsibility to anybody but myself. It was me and my dog, Louis, who, by the way, I bought when I was blackout drunk online for $3,000. Best purchase ever made. But we'll get there, but I know Louis made the trip back too. Louis did make the trip back, but anyway, so as things start to take a turn, like I said, my daughter and my wife were back in ex-wife, her back in Texas, and I looked around my apartment and I couldn't bear to see my daughter's room empty. Same with my bedroom. So I shut the doors to both rooms. And I lived exclusively in my living room, was where I set up camp. And I would drink one to two pints of vodka, which turns into one to two-fifth a day, which turns into a handle every two days.

I didn't eat anything, didn't need to, because of the starch that's in vodka, which I didn't know about. But it started to ramp up a lot, and, you know, I'd show up to the field lit every day. And there was starting to be speculation around it. like people were definitely like picking up on it but you know again in baseball especially it's not something you discuss like there's been plenty of people that have drank themselves out of baseball in the past there'll be plenty in the future back then we didn't really talk about it at all so it got to the point where I could feel that something was wrong you know again I'm putting down one to two-fifths of vodka a day my stomach I'm starting to put on the fluid in my body

my eyes are starting to turn yellow and I'm in really bad shape, but it came to a head when I showed up to the field one day for a game. Again, I'm coaching at this point in Florida, which is a rookie ball. So it's 12 o'clock games. It's the middle of summer in Florida, 100% humidity, and I'm not drinking anything but vodka. But I get to the field late, and I'm in the dugout, and I'm about to run out as coaching third base.

So I get up to get off the bench, and I fell down in the dugout. And as soon as I fell down, my manager was like, sit down. He's like, you can't go out there. Like, Jesus Christ. And of course, me being me, I like grab my knee. I'm like, ah, fake like a fucking ACL injury. And my manager, like, sit down. So the game ends.

And, you know, I rushed to get out of there because, like, I kind of realized what was going on. Again, I'm wasted at that point. And I always kept a water bottle in the dugout, in the bathroom. Yeah, I hit it above the vent in the bathroom and I would go in there and take a hit like every half inning or so to keep myself level, honestly. And I rushed out of there. I turned my truck on. Didn't drive, thank God. I turned my truck on and realized I forgot my phone and I went back in the clubhouse and my head trainer flagged me down and goes, you need to come in here now.

And he sits me down on the table. He's like, you're clearly drunk and I'm no, I'm not, I'm fine, whatever. And he lays me down and strap me to an EKG machine at the field and my blood alcohol content was point three or sorry, that's later. My heart rate was 149 beats per minute at total rest, which is not safe. That's borderline, you know, heart attack, stroke. So he's like, you know, you're not good at all. We need to get this figured out. So another trainer drove me to the hospital and they started to run tests and they drew blood.

And that's when I got my BAC and it had been probably five hours since my last drink at that point. And my blood alcohol content was 0.36, which means that its peak was probably over 5. And you were probably normal. That's the scariest part. And that's what I tell people is like my tolerance was so high that I remember everything. And I wasn't normal. Like, I was fucked up during the day, but I remember everything, which kind of sucks. Like, that's one of those.

It's like, I could be good with not remembering that one. But they run every test, and they're like, you drink a lot. I'm like, oh, you know, not really. So now they're like, all right, whatever. But the trainer drives me back to my apartment and drops me off. And the first thing I did was get an Uber to the liquor store. And I got a bottle and got back home and chugged it. And I woke up the next day, like so out of it.

My boss had called me at some point. I didn't remember that. So I ended up going back to the... I didn't know what to do. I was like, I guess I got to go to work. I showed up. My manager saw me and was like, you can't be here, dude. You got to leave, like, now.

And I left and got in my truck to go home. And my catching coordinator who had known since I got drafted, like, Donnie Werner, who's like salt to the earth. It's fucking great. He's a legend in baseball. And his son had dealt with addiction. And as I'm about to leave the field, he like oh by the way before i left the field ran to the dugout to grab my vok out of the bathroom

make sure i had everything but got back to my truck and donnie came up and just like stopped me and i was like hey man like love you i care about you like i want you to be okay i still talk to donnie i check in with him every now and then now which is great but um i went back to my apartment and you know my boss called me again he's like you got two options he goes you can either or go get help or we can terminate your contract. Like, that's your options. You're not thinking clearly. So I'm like, I don't have a problem.

Cancel it. No, at that point I did. Like that point I knew. Yeah, but it's like that ego. It's like, yeah, cancel it. I'm like terminate my contract. And it was ego, but it was also fear. I was terrified.

I was terrified of the situation I got myself into because, again, up until that point, and anybody that's been through it, that's been an alcoholic or an addict, you know, you're functional until you're not. And when you're not, it spirals so fucking fast.

So I hadn't gotten to the point where I could grasp that I was out of control. And then when I finally got out of control, I don't know what to do now. And I don't want to face this. I'm just fucking terminate my, I'm done. I quit, whatever.

Thank God he called me back. And he's like, look, we're not going to fire you. We're not terminating your contract. You need the insurance. We're going to figure this out, but that's not happening. So for the next 48 hours,

And as you know, when you get to the end of your run and you know it's the end, it's a fucking free-for-all. So I went to the liquor store. I bought a handle of vodka and just started chugging. I don't remember a whole lot from that last 48 hours. You know, it's probably for the best, honestly. But the one thing I'll always remember that really sits with me and probably always will.

That's probably a good thing was, you know, at that point in my life before this had happened. You know, it wasn't that I was, like, functioning and fine. When we got separated and I was on my own, it was, like, really dark nights where I would drink one to two pines. Like I said, I always got the pines because they were cheaper for whatever reason. And it got to the point where my body hurt so much. And I remember I woke up one morning, and my mornings consisted of either throwing up

or, you know, not to be TMI here, but I would shit and it would just be blood. Yeah. And there wasn't anything else. There's blood. And I'll never forget, I stood up and looked in the mirror and I was naked, and I looked at myself for the first time, really looked at myself in a long time.

And I was coherent enough at that point because I hadn't chug vodka yet because that's how our day started. That's how my day started. I would have to drink, throw up, drink, and keep it down to function. Yep. And when people ask what it was like,

how you feel sober that's how I felt drunk if I wasn't drunk I was sick so I remember looking at myself and I was like my eyes at that point were yellow not kind of yellow they were really jaundice

my stomach was distended you could see my liver poking out and my stomach was disformed over here it was just it was a just this macabre image of somebody I didn't know And I remember being coherent enough in that moment to be like, dude, you can't come back from this.

Like, this is it. This is who you are. How the fuck did you do this? Who the fuck are you? Like, how could you go down this path? And at that point, when I would go to bed at night, like I would chug vodka until I passed out. And I remember after that day,

and it's still hard to talk about. But after that day when I would lay down on the couch, in that same corner of my room, my living room, I would just pray to God that I would go to sleep and just not wake up. Yep. Because that would be so much easier than the pain than recognizing that I'd ruined my life.

But I let my daughter down, let my parents down. Like it was just this overwhelming feeling of just fucking let it end. And that's something that I'll never forget. And I think that's what, you know, as we go through this process, you kind of get hit with certain things every once in a while where that kind of creeps back. And not that I want that to happen, more just that feeling of, oh, fuck, you remember that?

And after I got, you know, caught at the field or whatever, I had that 48-hour window of fucking whatever. And my uncle, David, flew out from Texas to my apartment and packed up, all my shit. My stepmom was there too. They didn't live that far away. Um, so she was, she was there and he packed up all the stuff I needed for my apartment. My apartment was a fucking mess. They were shit everywhere. I can't imagine. There was dog shit everywhere because of Louis. Um, and that was my dog that I purchased for, you know, again, three grand drunk one night, but he packed us in a truck and he drove us north to Philly. And, uh, you know, at the time, we thought I had a white knuckle to get back. We were not aware. And for anybody

out there listening that does not know if you are withdrawing from alcohol you can die pretty easily remember the first you know the only time that you told me that i was like you did yeah what yeah it's not smart so if you're ever headed to treatment or taking somebody to treatment make sure they have booze on the way just to keep them level until they get to a doctor let the doctors detox them correctly that's why they exist yes we didn't know that so we did the best we could My uncle did the best we could. He drove fucking straight through to get me back to Philly. Oh, he did stop.

This is kind of funny. It's not, but it is now. Like, we stopped, I think, in like South Carolina or something for the night. And he took a shower and I saw my chance. I wasn't trying to run away, but I saw my chance. I'm taking Louis for a walk. Bolt, he's like, wait, wait, I'm out. There's a gas station next door and I tie Louis to a trash airplane bottle or something, dude.

No, I wish. I'm so upset that this is the last thing I drank. then hopefully this will be the last thing I ever drank I'm so bummed out because I was like a big whiskey guy and I used to drink like Blanton's was my favorite

like some really high end stuff yeah because you're classy yeah I'm a classy bitch but I tie Louie to a trash can and I go inside that was my M.O if it was a gas station I would look for the strongest

like pounder they had fucking Reds Apple Ale two big pounders of Reds Apple Ale and I buy those and some guy runs in the store and goes whose dog is that I turn around, my dog is dragging the trash can across the parking lot. Louis, then we had enough of you, too.

Louis fucking taken off, so I'm like, shit. So I run outside, I grab him. Oh, we're good. So I walk back to the hotel, and I'm in the lobby. I take Louis into the bathroom, and I chug two 24 ounces of reds, and that's like the extra apple ale, so it's got like 12% alcohol and 50 grams of sugar. I chugged both of those, and that's the last thing I ever drank, and that was October, sorry, August 18.

That's my sobriety day. That was the last thing I ever drank. Go back up to the room. My uncle's like, fucking just ghastly white. Like, where did you go? I was like, I told you, I just took Louis for a walk. Like, got in bed, whatever. And the next day we get up and go.

And we're right around D.C., and I'll never forget that. And as we're going through D.C., sounds really started to get loud. And I'm like, that's weird. I was watching a movie on my phone. And it was Captain America's Civil War. and I only remember that because the gunshots sounded like they were inside of my head and now everything starts getting really loud my heart starts going I look and it looks like the cars on the other side of the highway are coming into our car

and I'm like hallucinating at this point so I'm going through withdrawal up until this point I've had probably many withdrawals just where I sweat or like feel jittery but I'd never had enough of a gap in between drinking where I went to even really go through right yeah Well, I get hit with full-fledged withdrawal. I'm getting tunnel vision, my heart rates through the roof, and this, again, this is why you get detoxed by professionals. I didn't realize while that was happening was the closest I could have been to a heart attack or a stroke.

He did my uncle. So we're fighting through it, and we get back to Philly, and I get out of the car, and my mom was there, and I was like, hey, I'm going to withdrawal. That's the first thing I tell her. And she obviously knows what's going on. But I go inside to lay down. And my uncle, my other uncle, my mom's brother,

I had been sober now for 30 years, I want to say. And he was talking to her, and she's like, you've got to get him to a hospital. Like, he can die. Like, he can die. You need to get him there now. So the next morning, she takes me to the hospital, and they're running tests on me.

And they said they hadn't seen that kind of liver damage in anybody under the age of 65. Ever. Ever. They were astounded that I was still alive. They were shocked that I remembered as much as I did. and the last thing that they said was we don't know. Might not make it out of here.

Side note, right? Like all of this very real stuff and the fact that some people still think that this is a choice. I know, I know, and that's, you know, for me. Again, we could do a whole other episode on that. Yeah, dude. But that's why I'm as passionate as I am.

Because there's people that never really get to a sober breath. because of all the stuff that we had talked about leading up until this point, right? This preconceived notion of I'm a man eventually, if I want to put it down, I will, right? That's the delusion that I live in, that essentially I have power over this deal, right? Like, you didn't

stop until something stopped you. Much like my story. Call it whatever you want, but really it was you falling on your face, right? In the dugout. And then being like, dude, the jig's up. Yeah, we got you. Like, we see what's going on and, like, time's up. And thank God, it happened.

What it did specifically because when, you know, they ran tests on me for like five days. I was in there for five days. They were trying to figure out. They took fluid out. I'll never forget that sitting there watching them pull this yellow shit out of my stomach. I'm like, I had 20 plus pounds of fluid in my body. Yeah. And they got to the point like midway through where my dad was in Major League Baseball at that point, coaching.

And they told my mom to call my dad and get him there. because we're not sure if he's gonna walk out of here. And that's all kind of foggy, too. I remember a lot of it, but not everything from the hospital. But I remember my dad getting there, and my sisters were there the whole time. My stepdad, my mom, my brother came. Like, it was really, the support was so remarkable.

And, like, that's something that I'll never, ever take for granted that I was so fortunate to have such an amazing support system because not everybody does. And I'm well aware of that, that that set me up for success early on. And I'm so grateful for them. But when it got like day five, they came in, they'd run their test. They said, look, we think you're going to be okay. You can never drink again, obviously.

But we think that your liver will revert back and be able to heal itself given the time. What do you think about rehab? At that point in my life, I was getting divorced. My daughter, I hadn't seen her in like five months, I lost my job. I lost my home. All I had was my dog and my truck. And I was like, what else am I going to do? Yeah, let's give it a shot.

So they checked me into Karen and I'll never forget, you know, like I said earlier, driving up there, man, like just the impending doom that comes with it. Because we grow up and we're told that rehab. is this place for drug addicts. How life's over? Yeah, like just derelicts. Like, if you end up there, you're a piece of shit. That was in my head.

You know, I always thought that, and I used this a lot, but I always thought that the alcoholic was the homeless dude under a bridge with a brown paper bag. Not that it could be a guy like you and me, but on the flip side of that, that homeless dude under a bridge of the paper bag,

you have no idea how we got there. You don't know what that man's story is, that woman's story. They could have been in a really shitty situation that they were incapable of getting out of that led them down that path. The fact that we're so quick to jump to judgment

over people less fortunate than us is something that I pride myself on trying to never take that approach and talk to other people about it to make sure you recognize like that person under the bridge or wherever is probably not a bad person. I don't believe that people are inherently bad.

No. I think people go down bad paths and shitty things happen and they make bad decisions. I don't think anyone's born bad. So the judgment that we pass on people we don't know because they're panhandling or whatever, you have no fucking

clue how that person got there. Who the fuck are you to judge them? Yep. But even in that moment driving them to rehab, I didn't know that yet. No. And I get there and I'm fucking terrified. I remember I'll never forget, dude, I'm sitting in the front seat. My mom was sitting behind. I stepped out driving and I'm holding my mom's hand and I'm just

fucking shaking. I have no idea what I'm saying. You're still withdrawing. I'm still going through withdrawal a little bit, but it was also the fucking panic and fear that set in as we pulled up to Karen was overwhelming. And we get there and I was so fortunate that my unit was, the Atkins unit, shout out Atkins, but the guys that I was with were so amazing. And they took me in, they made me feel comfortable. And, you know, for I want to say probably three weeks, and I was there for 30 days,

for three weeks I hadn't really bought in you know I've always been a rule follower so like I went to the classes I went to the meetings I went to the speakers I didn't sleep in like I did what I was supposed to do and like that's how I've always been it's like if you tell me what to do I'll get it done I'll always get it done I might not agree with it but I'll get it done I'm going to the motions I'm going to meetings and you know saying the run of the mill shit like yeah my name steal I want to get this right for my daughter or whatever and I'll never forget every week my mom came to visit you know on Sundays after the first Sunday then she's allowed to come visit I could tell she was scared because she knew that I wasn't into it yet because

I did what you talked about earlier it's the biggest biggest flaw not just an addicts and alcoholics but I think in people in general is drawing comparisons I'm pointing around the room this guy lived in a dumpster and did crystal meth this guy shot heroin in his toes I'm not as bad as I'm I just drank It wasn't until the third week, we're sitting in a meeting and it's all dads. Everyone in that room's a dad, my daughter was two at the time. And, you know, we go through, everyone shares their story and it gets to me. And I'm like, yeah, my name's Steele.

And my daughter is two. I want to get this right for her so I can be a good role model, whatever. And like, you've been there. You know when you can see people are not buying into it. You also know you're not supposed to cross talk. This old head shuts me down. firm because you have no idea how fucking lucky you are I was so pissed what the fuck are you talking about that you have no idea how fucking lucky you are because my kids are 26 23 like

18 and 17 yeah because they remember every fucking thing I've done every stupid move every incident they remember all of it if you get this right if you give a fuck your daughter never has to know that side of you yeah and it was literally like a fucking sledge hammer hit me in the forehead I'll never forget that moment as long as I'll be like okay I'm awake now it was earth shattering to it like I blinked and I was like oh my God I'm like what the fuck are you doing how the fuck are you not doing everything you can to get this right we're so selfish dude and we're so selfish I mean yeah like you you were saying the right stuff yeah but you didn't believe it no we're crafty right we know what to say we know

how to move that's our biggest positive and negative is we know how to fucking handle ourselves. But at the same time, it's such a detriment because up until that point, this man saved my life. I don't even know his name. He saved my life in that moment by telling me that because it literally woke me up.

And from that point on, not only did I finally realize, of course you can't ever drink again, you dip shit, but I looked around the room and I was like, how the fuck do you think you're better than anybody else here?

The kid that lived in a dumpster, the guy that shot heroin, the only difference between you and them is your vice. That's all. And the only reason I didn't get into drugs probably is because I got drug tested for professional baseball. They didn't test for booze. They tested for drugs.

So for me to sit there and pass judgment on anybody else in that room, like I'm better than them, I'm sitting in the same room. And the most remarkable thing happens in those places or in meetings or in sobriety areas where you start talking and people,

you can see the fog start to lift after two, three weeks, whatever the time frame might be, and these people that in your past life, you would pass judgment on, even when you're actively drinking or using, you still pass judgment on other people to make yourself feel better

about the spot that you're in. You look around and start talking to these guys, and they're fucking incredible people. This kid that lived in a dumpster was so intelligent, so creative, so charismatic, got down the wrong path with crystal meth. This other guy that literally shot heroin

into his toes was a CEO of a major company. You have no idea what walk of life these people are from, who they are, what they represent and stand for, but you have the balls to stand there and pass judgment on them, on anybody you come across. And that was such an eye-opening moment for me to look at my life, look around at everyone else's life, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be.

And because of that guy in that meeting, not only did I have a different outlook on, humanity on people, but my life became so fucking clear where it's like, I know exactly, exactly what I got to do. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but when I get out of here, I'm going to hit the ground fucking sprinting because I'm never coming back to this place. And I recognize, look, this is a journey and there's speed bumps and people end up back in rehab and that's okay.

Like that's what I think the hardest thing to get by in sobriety is that, yeah, I was under the impression that you go to rehab. have, and you're fixed. Yep. Because that's what people, they don't talk about the aftermath. They just talk about get there, get your shit together.

Like, okay, cool. You don't realize that, no, it's a journey. And for a lot of people, like I said, I was so lucky that when I got out, my whole family's in Philadelphia, and they were so supportive of me.

They had my back from day one. I'm so fortunate because there's a lot of guys in there that left and went straight back into their life solo. Yep. It's a lot harder. So, yeah, I'm so grateful that hopefully I've only, only have to go once, you know, again, it's a life.

Who knows? I'm going to keep down this path and do the best that I can with the tools that I've been given because of Karen, but hopefully I never end up back in there. But for people that do, for whatever this journey looks like, it's never too late to figure it out, it's never too late. It might be, my counselor, my CA in there, 18 times. He'd been legally dead three times. He had to get Narcan three times. And he'd been sober at that point for 10 years. 18 treatment centers, didn't give up, kept going. And that, to me, that's more of a remarkable story than mine.

The fact that you kept going 18 times and you still went back and you still tried and you still kept fighting and you fucking did it. That's the craziest thing. We want to point at people, right? We want to make people feel bad for being addicted, for being an alcoholic, this and that. They are some of the most incredible people in the world. it's so inspiring when you surround yourself and see that different side to this life where it's like you get through it and it's like wow this group of people is so dynamic so interesting so intelligence smart and that's why bringing it all the way back to the beginning

of this when people would say to me you this happened to you yep this happens to fucking everybody. That's the stigma, right? Where everybody, I shouldn't say everybody, many people have this thought, much like yourself, much like I did as well, that it's, can't happen to that guy, right? Won't happen to my family. Right. Until it does. And then all of those preconceived ideas or all those judgments or all that stuff, you know, I hear, I hear people all the time like reference drug addicts or alcoholics as like certain slang words, like, you know, junkie, whatever. Now, if you were to call me a junkie, we'd laugh. But we're in the club. But when I hear

somebody else, use that term, it takes everything inside me to be like, you have no clue. After everything that I just heard you say about like your final hours, right, or your final days, you know, losing your job, drinking at every waking moment. And that's a junkie. That's what somebody that's choosing to do that. You have no clue. Someone that had, you know, Chesson Hill Academy, right?

Ohio State, Pro Bowl, what, just made a choice to ruin it all? There's no way. There's no way. And that was one of the toughest things for me to get over, honestly, because when I was in rehab, that was when I was fighting to finally accept until week three, like I said. And it was to the point when, like, when I would tell stories about my drinking, I shocked other alcoholics. Like, you drank what?

And I'm like, oh, you guys don't do that. Like, not that I'm like, I'm ranking it. It's just like, yeah. Yeah, but that was to the level that I was drinking. And I remember firmly believing for three weeks that it's a cop out to call this a disease. It's just you're trying to give us an excuse to feel better about all the stupid shit we did. And like, you know, I would wake up in Target bathrooms. That was a big one.

For whatever reason, Target was my go to when I needed to pass out. And I'll never forget, I would like open the bathroom stall nine times out of ten, my phone was in my truck. I don't know what time it is. So I'm like peeking open the bathroom, they're like, please be open. Hopefully they're open. Be fucking open. It was every time I got lucky. But I'd fall asleep in movie theaters.

I'd pass out like all over the place. So like, I thought that they were trying to give us an excuse until I sat down with a therapist in rehab. And he was like, he said pretty much what you just laid out. would you ever choose to do this? I'm like, fuck no. He goes, all right, let's take it a step further. Would you ever choose to have cancer? I'm like, that's not the same thing.

He goes, this almost killed you, right? I'm like, yeah. Does cancer kill people? I'm like, yeah. He goes, how long did you have to live? And this is what doctors told me. If I kept doing what I was doing, I had 36 to 48 hours left. That's it.

I had less than two days to live. Yep. Would you put yourself in that position intentionally? I'm like, obviously not. He goes, then how the fuck are you going to sit here and tell me that this is a choice? So the flip side of that, right? Because a lot of people used to think the way that you did in that moment, cancer, they're like, hey, we're going to put you on this, this, and this, you're going to do chemo, you're going to, you know, we're going to get you into remission. We go into rehab and we're identifying it as something similar, right, both the disease.

They're like, hey, we're going to need you to do this, this and this. Maybe, like, follow through with your care on this end, follow through with your primary therapist on this end. Maybe, like, you know, go to some self-help groups, and you're like, yeah, okay. That's a lot of work. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't think I have that in me. That's really a lot of work. But not everybody has.

Now, for me, it took me a number of times going to treatment to have that same moment of clarity that you talked about, right, when that guy saved your life. But that's really all we're looking for, right? A moment of clarity, right? Call it, we want a jumping off point where I was like, there's two directions for me to go. Yeah.

I mean, they're going to continue down this path, and this is going to be my story until eventually I kicked a bucket. But in the meantime, until I do, I'm going to drag my family through all this shit. Or I can take, which looks like the much harder road, of taking some suggestions and being like, okay, I'm going to actually like try to recreate my life. And I don't know what that looks like right now.

And to be honest, but yeah, there's nothing good looking in the near future, but I'm going to give it an honest shot. Yeah. And despite myself, I got better. Yeah. Problem with people like you and myself, right, is that I'm so filled with pride, ego, fear. The list again goes on, is that it's so hard to get through to me.

It is. And I think that that's, again, that's very common in this space. I think that's partly what got us into the messes that we got into. But what rehab did for me in that moment specifically, because when that sledge hammered me in the forehead and that, that aha moment, that wake up call, I cried for the first time in, I don't know how long. and not like cried, I'm like ugly crying. Couldn't stop it. No, like just every emotion that I'd been holding in, everything that I've been holding back just finally came out.

And that, in that moment, like, that's why I say that man saved my life. I learned so much in that 30 seconds afterwards than I had in years. And I'm sitting there. And that's when I realized, like, how much easier would it be to just tell people, to just say, hey, I'm fucked up right now. Be vulnerable. Be okay with being vulnerable. For people that think that you're being a bitch

or it's immasculent to not share your feelings or whatever, like that's such an antiquated way of thinking and leads to this whole epidemic. I mean, if you look at like suicide rates in men, like 50% or something crazy, there's a crazy number of men that take their lives other than asking for help. And obviously there's no blame to be placed there.

It's more so for whatever reason. And again, maybe it's the generation before us, but this fear of being open, being honest, being vulnerable, being able to look in the mirror at yourself and say, dude, you're fucked up, go get help. And there's so many outlets now. There's so many avenues you can take to get better. And there's so many people that are able to communicate with you now.

This podcast, things like this, it's not as difficult as it used to be to be able to open up, but it's still stigmatized, just like addiction, alcoholism, is still stigmatized. And I, it's, it's astounding to me when you think about it. Like why? When you think about the fact that everybody I talk to, no matter who it is, oh, my uncle went through that. Oh, my sister went through that.

My brother went through that. Everybody knows somebody that's gone through it. And yet people want to sit on this high horse and point a finger at the junkie, like you said. And no, dude, that word pisses me off so much. Drunk, junkie, boo's head, whatever. you want to say is so nonchalantly tossed around that, you know, it's a big sticking point for me on my podcast. Anytime there's something on the shows that are centric to that, alcoholism, addiction,

whatever it might be, I hone in on it and I share some of my experience. And then on my sobriety date last year, I did a solo episode and just told everybody my story. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, it was like a 20, 30 minute episode where I just share everything. Because, you know, as we talk, like I forget certain things. Like they pop back up, so I shared everything. And that was one of the coolest experiences I ever had. I'm going to get choked up talking about because the amount of people that reach out and say

that they've either been through it or they grew up with an alcoholic parent and the fact that you could get right for your daughter and that you focus to figure this out, um it was so incredible to the point that this hat that i'm wearing the sobriety social club was um one of our listeners who had just gotten a year sober when she came to our show and uh she gave me this hat and um that i was so proud of of her um i was so proud of just not proud of me but just just proud in that moment to be able to take something that

it's so looked at with this just this air of disgust for fucking who knows why that's the funniest thing the people that point fingers it's like dude you have a drinking problem you're talking shit about alcoholics like you have a drinking problem who the fuck are you once again who are we out to point and know anybody's lot in life and yet we're so fast to be like I'm better than that guy better than that guy how do you know what have they been through and who the fuck do you think you are but everyone has that about them until they go through something real and to be able to wake up from that and look out and like the reception that I got for that episode and just having support is such a major

major thing in this life whether it's you're struggling with addiction whether you're just living your life knowing that people have been through what you've been through is such a powerful thing and for me to hear back from hundreds I'm talking hundreds of our listeners with their own stories, how that podcast helped them get through one more day. And that's why it's so important for everybody out there that's going through this, whether your addiction,

whether you're drinking, whatever the fuck it is, depression, you have no clue what you can do by speaking up. And it might be for somebody else. You don't know. You may not know them, and it might resonate with them. You might save somebody's life.

And in turn, you're saving your own. What I said to in the beginning, this is for me, yeah, you're interviewing me, but this is just as much for you because of what you gain from these things and that's all about connection with people and the only way that we can get out of our own fucking way to connect, learn,

be open to new experiences, new perspectives, people that you may not hang out with before, people that you might just sit down and fucking listen, see what you can learn from them rather than turning your nose up and thinking you're better then. Because I promise you, all of you out there,

whoever the fuck you think you are, you're not better than anybody. because whenever you're going through, everyone else has gone through in some capacity. And if you're open to that idea and if you're aware of that, you are so much better off because all you're going to do is get better,

smarter, stronger, more emotionally connected with yourself, with the people around you, and you're going to make yourself a better person and that's what it's all about is being the best version of yourself, whatever that looks like. Are you perfect?

Fuck, no, none of us are. But striving to be better, that's all. Do that. And I mean, I could go on and on, dude. It's just, it breaks my heart when, like, just hearing you that, that triggered it. When you said, like, hearing people say junkie, I know what that feels like when people say, oh, you know, he's a fucking drunk. I'm like, fuck you, I'm a drunk. Yeah.

What do you got to say about me? So, and that's where it comes from. For me, in, like, a professional setting, I've done presentations. I've spoke to a large number of people, you know, and people come up and they're like, I can't believe you've gone through what you've gone through. You don't look like you've. Was it look like? Yeah, that's the point. point. I mean, that's the point. I'm not supposed to look like that because it doesn't

discriminate. No, it doesn't have an image. So as much as people pass judgment and everything of that nature, like that could be anybody who's suffering in silence. You have no clue. And we talk about the mental health aspect of it. You know, that's a whole other realm, right? Like, yeah, we're starting to talk about it more and more. But there's still, I work with people. I work in the mental health. I work in the substance abuse field. And we're still losing people, right? People work in the space that they could get help. Yep. And they still don't know how to reach out.

That's how powerful this stuff is. Yeah. So I really appreciate you being as vulnerable as you were. I mean, like my big thing when I got out, especially, and I think that everybody in recovery has that moment. They've gone to a treatment center. When you get out, it's like, how am I going to handle this? Like, who am I going to be?

Am I going to hide it? Am I going to go to meetings and silence, which is fine? And like, there's people out there that don't want to billboard that they're going through it. Whatever keeps you sober is my whole thing. Whatever keeps you sober, do that. Great. My whole thing, my whole life was hide, hide, hide, hide your problems, hide whatever's going on. And, you know, you eventually look back.

You got this big pile of shit behind, you know, like, I can't deal with all that. Yeah. So you crawl into a bottle. So when I got out of Karen, I was like, how am I going to handle this? I was like, you know what? I've tried hiding everything. I'm going to tell everybody everything. Yeah.

You're going to, everyone's going to know my story. And whether you want to pass judgment on me or not, I don't really give a shit. Because if you think you're better than me, I don't have time for you anyway. So I'm going to tell the world, this is who I am. I'm a fucking alcoholic.

And I'm proud of that. And that goes back, the last thing I'll say, and I'll stop talking your ear off. But the third day I was in rehab. And so this is the day after I talked to that dude that told me to just grip my teeth and get through it. We had this speaker come in, and she was talking to everybody at Karen, and she was like,

she introed with, I'm standing in front of you as a grateful alcoholic. And I fucking hated her. It was like, how on earth. What a contradiction. Yeah, you're grateful for this? I lost everything. I worked my whole life for professional baseball. I got it.

I lost it because of alcohol. How are you grateful? And so fast forward and, like, you know, a treat. centers are set up where you kind of slowly take on a leadership role in your group so towards the end like now I was kind of who people looked up to which was the guy that I talked to. President Steele right pretty much and that's the guy I looked up to who I had the conversation with on how to get through it when I got there yeah which by the way second week in the van pulls up and are carrying him out at the back back in detox yeah and he was the guy so that was a wake-up call for me as well but

I remember I was getting out the next day and I was standing in front of my unit like we had just gotten done like TV time or whatever and I just said hey guys just want to say a few words and I was like look for those you they were here remember that woman came and spoke to us that she was a great full alcoholic

and in that moment I hated her I'm standing before you as a great full alcoholic because I never would have found myself again and this other side of myself that I didn't know I had if I hadn't gone through what I went through and I think back on my whole life

everything that I've done and accomplished and like I said I've been very fortunate to be presented with some amazing opportunities and I never take that for granted but the person that I am now today because of alcohol because of almost dying because of everything I had gone through in the darkest times of my life

I would not change a fucking thing I would do it all over again if I had to to become this version of myself for the people around me, for my daughter, for my wife, but most importantly, do it for me because I'm so fucking proud of me. And I think that there's something beautiful about being able to be confident and proud of who you are,

also being aware that there's always more work to do, right? You're never done, but... Also being conscious of being outspoken, you never know, like the ripple effect. You never know who you're going to help. and that's why this all kind of came to fruition. I've always been outspoken about it. I didn't really have a choice, right?

Because unlike you, everybody knew I was fucked up. But it wasn't until this past year, this past two years where I lost like really two close people to me, right? And it was like, I'm done. I'm done not speaking my mind about all of it, right? If there's a platform for me to do it, why not? If one person logs on, cool. But if anybody ever has the ability to kind of just stumble upon something that needs to, that they need to hear, why not do it?

Right. Let's say that one person that logged on to listen, you saved their life. You help them in that moment where they need it. And listen, I'm not God, right? No. But I absolutely can attribute to what I can pack into the stream of life instead of my previous experience before I guess ever was, what does life have to offer me? Exactly. Exactly, and that's, you know, that's, that's what this is all about, dude.

That's why I was so excited to do this with you and sit down, because we've had these conversations on the sideline of the softball field. Yeah. You know, we've had these conversations at a restaurant after softball games, whatever it might be, but the power of just hearing that there's other people out there that have gone through literally the same fucking things. And that's what's funny when you go to meetings and shit. You hear somebody tell a story like, oh, fuck.

done that. Someone else says, like, oh, it did that too. And like you find this camaraderie in pain, pain with a purpose, you know, that that is such true words there because if you get to this side of it,

and if you're still going through it, you're still fighting to get to this side, keep fucking going, keep fucking fighting, keep working towards it, lean on the people around you, surround yourself with the right people, do your best,

and also understand that you can have hiccups. Shit might not go great. It took you a while, Took you a few tries, that guy in rehab with me 18 fucking times. It's never too late. If your heart's still fucking beating, it's not too late. Yeah. So this is the kind of shit that will help just talk, be open about it.

If you hear people talking shit about it, either educate them or fucking move on from them. Yeah. It's not your job to educate everybody, one, and two, it's not your job to surround yourself with people that are going to drag you down. Like, that's such a trope these days, too. It's like, cut the people out of your life, they're toxic and all that stuff. People laugh at it and shrug it off. And it's like, yeah, you know what? If this is your goal in life and people think it's corny, people think it's tacky, whatever the fuck.

So be it. Fuck them. Go be yourself, man. Go be yourself, whatever that looks like, because that's going to be the best version of you. And it made it very easy for me to figure that out because I want to be the best version of myself to be the best father I can, husband, son. brother, friend, person. Yeah. Because then I'm my best person,

and that's who I strive to be every day. Am I perfect? No, none of us are, like I said. Yeah, dude, this sobriety saved my life, not just because it literally physically saved my life, but like it made me who I am today. It taught me everything, and it gave me everything. You're literally living a second life.

Seriously, I even look different. That's the funniest fucking part. Yeah, that's, I mean, the people that might hear this, they have no clue. I looked into you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Completely different. If you want to fuck, I think I had puberty at 28, it's wild.

People see me. I had no clue. I was like, no way. I was like, that's not him. People see me from my past life and they're like, they've reintroduced themselves to me. They're like, hey, I'm so on. I'm like, yeah, I know. I'm steal.

They're like, okay. I'm like, no, steal Russell. They're like, what the fuck? I'm like, I know. Glow up, baby. Yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah, I remember when, I remember the first time before we actually had a deep

conversation. I looked you up because I was like, anybody that ever says that they play like collegiate ball and you were out here like, yeah, I played for the Orioles. I'm like, okay. Yeah, everyone, everyone's saying. So I look it up and like, if I can't find you on Ted Salary, you know, it didn't happen. No, Ted Salary loved me. Right? Um, no, you just Google your name. And I'm like, I'm like, no, don't look like me. Yeah. Don't look like me at all. But, you know, it's almost, and I still have my Florida ID. Let me see if I have it in my pocket. Um, I keep it in here. Just I have one picture of myself from back then. that I've never gotten rid of on my phone.

Just I need to look at everyone so on to remind myself. And I think I got it in here. I have my Florida Dreia that Louis Chewed on. Yeah, it's completely just to clarify that it really was me back then. It does scream Chestnut Hall Academy, though. Oh, yeah, but yeah, that was. This is Russell, Russell, Chad, Steele. Nah, they fuck out of here.

But yeah, dude, it's like. Yeah, I mean, completely different. Night and day, but I think it's almost. it's almost poetic it's like yeah i started a new life and i literally look like a different person i think that you know the biggest thing man is for whoever's listening to this you know again i like to talk a lot so i apologize if i've dragged on for too long but whether you're going through addiction or anything like wherever you're at in your life even if you're not addicted or drinking or alcohol or anything like that there's always time to to shift the narrative

to become the person you thought you were supposed to be. And, like, I am ending on this. I'm done talking. But somebody, I read a quote the other day, and it's like, maybe the journey isn't about becoming somebody else. Maybe the journey is about forgetting things along the way, meaning, and I butchered that, but the point of it was we have these preconceived notions

of what we want to be, right? And along the way, especially if when you're a kid, you know, you have these dreams, I want to be this person when I grow up. If all these aspirations, then along the way you shift and you mold to different things along that way, where now you become somebody that maybe you weren't to fit into a crowd, to fit into a job,

to fit into professional baseball. You do things and act a certain way that's not you. That's not the person that you wanted to be. That's not the stand-up citizen or whatever you thought you were gonna be when you were a kid. Then you have these wake-up calls, again, with it's rehab or just life, whatever the fuck it is, where you kind of get shaken,

taken up and along this journey it's almost like getting back to that person you thought you were when you were a kid yeah where you are a good person you work hard you have great friends and great job opportunities everything that you want in life that's so attainable when you're young and along the way we shift and mold and change into these different versions of ourselves where it's almost unrecognizable where you're standing in front of a mirror deformed with yellow eyes like how the fuck that I get here only to learn that you need to get back to just the basics of who you want wanted to be and how do you get there?

You get there by having a good support system, having good people around you, being open, honest, vulnerable, and ready to experience new things without passing judgment all the time. So it's almost like going through this path in life to get back to what you originally thought was the best version of you. Listen, I'm not a, it was like really profound, right?

At least the way that I perceive it because I'm not a, I don't apologize for the word God. I don't shy away from God, but by all means, I'm not a God guy, although I do have a conception that, like, I just call God because if not, I would have to describe it

the way I just did before I say God. So I just say, I get it. I believe in something. Yeah. I think it's naive to assume that we're here

out of just chance. I just don't know what the label is. Before I got sober, I was God. Yeah. I think we all were. You know? But for me,

I mean, that's the whole name of the game, right? Where it's the more that I'm doing stuff like this or the more that I am concerned or seeing how I can benefit

to fit somebody else's life. The more that I can get back to a childlike state, the better off I am. But when I'm more consumed with self and I'm more consumed about like my little plans and designs or what people think about me or the list goes on and on and it's never ending, I am such a shitty human being. And that's just like me and my own head.

So that was really like, that hit the nail on the head, right? like trying to get back to going through all this to get back to where I first started. To get back to that person. It's really the whole name of the game. Because you lose sight of it a long way. You think you need to be this version of yourself or that version of yourself to impress this crew,

to impress that crew to be successful. You mold and change into this grotesque image of yourself. I have the good fortune, honestly, to see that version of myself in a mirror physically. Like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Who are you? And change.

Thank God. Thank God, I had the, again, I do it too, but the path has led me back to this. And here, I wrote it down just so I don't fucking butcher it. He's going to end on this. I'm not ending on anything. I'm just reading the quote for what the quote actually was, and then you can take this old thing. While he finds it, another plug. I love plugs.

Instagram, Pane W Purpose. Spotify and Apple, Pain with a Purpose podcast. I can't even talk. That's how long we've been here. Pain with a Purpose podcast. Just look me up, all right, or find me somehow. We appreciate all you. Here's the last, yeah, the quote to end on.

Maybe the journey isn't about becoming who you're supposed to be, but unbecoming who you aren't supposed to be. It's really powerful stuff. Absolutely. So without further ado, dude, I appreciate you more than you know. Sorry, if I talk too long, guys. No, I don't care what they think, dude. This was great.

It was great for me. I enjoyed it. You know, even if we cut it up, it is what it is. Yeah, yeah, do what you got to do. But by all means, like, this was really good. We'll do it again, for sure. And yeah, man. Brod pros, check them out.

Oh, yeah. Check out, brofros. I got two cameras. You got fancier shit than we do. I walked into this room. Well, that's why we're not doing five a week. Well, it took us, you know, waiting so you see the breakdown process. Oh, you'll see, dude.

It just takes time. It gets easier, I promise. Ours used to be a disaster. Still, usually, I mean, listen, we had Charles here, a shout out, uh, Chauncey visuals. He's pointed me in a direction I never even knew that I would want to go in. Um, I find all this content stuff like super, you know, just interesting. Um, but yeah, without him, I mean, we started, I mean, like, the stuff that we're using. I mean, I went to.

Guitar sound? Sam. Oh. Sam Goody. Sam Ash or whatever that. Yeah. Same deal. I said, I'm starting a podcast.

I need the whole setup. And he laughed at you didn't he. Yeah. You should have seen. what he racked up. Told you. And I was like, brother, I don't need half of this. I got all this stuff.

And Charles was like, dude, what do you do? I was like, I don't know, man. So yeah, it's been a really cool experience. You know, I never thought I'd have a podcast. I never thought that I'd, I'm not one to really get in front of a camera, right? Whatever. I'm going to start going on tangents now at this point, but it's been a really cool experience. Yeah, it's, well, you're helping people, man.

And like I said, whether it's one person, 10 people, 100 if you save one person or you talk to them at the right time they hear at the right time like that's a fucking that's successful so i i love what you're doing i'll support and keep fucking doing it man keep going seriously this this is awesome like i said the minute i heard pain with the purpose i'm like yeah fuck yeah i appreciate it man um so with that we'll end it we'll see you guys uh whenever whenever whenever chauncy visuals gives me the next thing to put put live um but eventually we're going to go weekly um we'll figure that out as we go so Yeah, thanks for having me out.

Absolutely. I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times. And I'm Paul Shear, an actor, writer, and director. You might know me from the League, Veep, or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters. We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives. Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't. He's too old. Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude, too, is overrated.

It is. Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspool, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits. Fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them. We're talking Parasite the Home Alone. From Greece to the Dark Night. We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks. We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look. And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of like Ganges and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure. Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcast. And don't forget to hit the follow. button. Goodbye, summer movies, hello fall. I'm Anthony Devaney, and I'm his twin brother, James. We host Raiders of the Lost Podcast, the Ultimate Movie Podcast, and we are ecstatic to break down late summer and early fall releases.

We have Leonardo DiCaprio leading a revolution in one battle after another, Timothy Salome playing power ping pong in Mari Supreme. Let's not forget Emma Stone and Jorgos Lanthamos' Bougonia. Dwayne Johnson, he's coming for that Oscar in The Smashing Machine, Spike Lee and Denzel teaming up again, plus Daniel DeLewis's return from retirement. There will be plenty of blockbusters to chat about, too. Tron Aries looks exceptional, plus Mortal Kombat 2, and Edgar Wright's The Running Man starring Glenn Powell. Search for Raiders of the Lost Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube.