Brown Girls Do It Too - Does Your Mother Know?

Episode Date: August 30, 2024

In Rubina's last episode before maternity leave, she and Poppy celebrate their mothers. What do they wish they could tell them? How have they shaped them as women? And what sort of mother will Rubina be to her grown up children?Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail]. Anger and all other emotions are welcomed!If you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

A good guide in life is to ask yourself Would I say this in front of my mother? It might stop you putting up a risky social media post Or saying something hurtful Should we take our own advice, Rubina? God no This podcast will contain strong language And themes of an adult nature

This is a podcast about sex. Um, sorry. At least it started off like that. Now we talk about everything. Everything is sex. And sex is everything. And that includes our mistakes, our heartbreaks. And our hot, hot, hot takes.

I'm Poppy. And I wish I could tell my mum everything. Maybe not this podcast though. I'm Rubina. Oh God, mine's a bit sad. I'm Rubina and I wish I could tell my mum that I'm scared we won't spend enough good time together before she dies. Oh wow. I am because I'm so time poor at the moment. And every time I hang out with her, there's like a child in between us. Sometimes when we do have time together, we argue.

Yeah, I was just going to say. And then I'm like, oh my God, no, we need to try and spend some good time together. Yeah, some quality time. Some quality time. Maybe you take your mom out on a date and just you and her time. Yeah, I think I'm going to try and book a holiday. That's why I'm like, if I book a holiday, then it's like I've done my bit where I've given the time. Or just you and her while you're preggers.

Yeah, no, maybe when the baby comes. But then you're taking care of the baby. But then babies in arms are... No, but babies in arms are much easier. Easier, yeah. And it's not really about them, is it? I mean, I'm saying that. I have no idea.

Everyone has told me going from one to two is like hell. Well, I was just going to say... Everyone is like, oh, the next step is big. I'm like, really? Going from zero to one was pretty big. Well, I would say, if I'm going to say. Everyone is like, oh, the next step is big. I'm like, really? Going from zero to one was pretty big. Well, I would say, if I'm allowed to say, as a lay person, seeing you go from zero to one, you were doing the show with me. You were bouncing up and down the balls.

Not much changed. He just came along to everything. Right? I mean, I know little bubs came three weeks early you didn't even you couldn't even write a handover at work and you have a big adult grown-up job I don't know like it's I'm weirdly anxious like more anxious this time because yeah you're right I do know what to expect and I know that the first month is really fucking hard yeah and I can't imagine I'm having all these complicated feelings about like how it's going to change my relationship

with my firstborn yeah and me and him like we have this really like strong solid bond that I don't really want to mess up in any way yeah and so then doing this feels like I'm putting that at risk yeah it's just a head fuck I mean everything's a head fuck you're pregnant your body changes you have to stop work like I was saying to my partner the other day I I was like, it's crazy how little your life has to change. Whereas like every section of my life has to stop. Work has to pause. This has to pause. Can you actually run me through that?

Like what I remember you saying to me, Pops, during pregnancy one, no one actually tells you what your body goes through. And I remember at the time thinking, oh, my God, there's so many Instagram influences and books. But you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then the stuff that you're telling me, you're quite graphic about like the discharge and the panty liners and your vagina and like the size of it, like all of it. I was just like in awe. Oh, my God.

It's so heavy on your whole body. You can't sleep. You're over on one side. you have something inside kicking you regularly regularly just kicking you being like hey i'm here i'm here i'm here like sitting on your bladder like this is definitely gonna be like hey hey i'm here but you're right your body your whole life just has to stop in every way exactly and it has to because of the like the physical nature of what i'm about to do which is the most primitive human thing i think i've ever done really like it's the rawest you see yourself yeah and you didn't give a shit like you're just like naked in hospital ward just like grunting and asking for like sugar sugar well I didn't ask for sugar

the first time but they did give me like a double lolly like an ice lolly with two sticks on it like right when I was feeling really tired and I had that lolly

and then gave birth really quickly so hopefully you get another ice lolly well I'm going to be packing the ice lollies that's what I'm saying because I think I'm going to

need all the energy I can get so Poppy this is my last episode before I go on my official maternity leave. And that's all we're going to do this episode, right? So we can talk about mothers and our relationship with our own mothers. Yeah. And what it means to be a mum. Sorry, I understood and processed everything you said.

But when you said this is your last episode, I had this like overwhelming sense of sadness. Well, I'm just going to have a baby, but I could die. So, you know, if I do die. These thoughts today from you, God. Two times more likely to die on childbirth than a white person. Oh, really? That is actually true. So, you know, but I mean, I'm just going to ride the wave.

I'll let you know how it goes. Most people are terrible to their mums. Yeah. And so you're looking at me here, eight months pregnant, and thinking, why the fuck are you doing this? You will not, no one will be grateful to you. I don't really know why I'm doing it. It's funny.

But you love motherhood. Oh my God, I love the whole thing, even though it's like really messy and complicated. Because you were already joking about your third. Like, you love it. I know. I mean, I'm a ballerina farm waiting to happen let me just tell you that I would love love to have like seven kids but I wouldn't know that until I had the first one yeah have you spoken to someone who has just had number two to talk about actually this is the dynamic this is what changes because even I was thinking about this for you

I was like you partner bubs but you've got a system you've got a network you've got it works but when you put another kid in the mix

it changes I think it's funny because I think this is you're going to get really upset by this but I think the rise of the trad wife

and like being good at domestic life has had a big influence on me because I've just been like working culture, working culture, work. The balance is the hard part. And so actually what's really nice is as I'm about to go into maternity leave,

I don't have to balance. Like I work in a country that's going to give me the maternity leave. I can just be at home and work really hard to be the best possible mum because I've been given the time to do that after you had

the first bubs how did it change you what's the biggest thing like in terms of your outlook on life that changed after you had

your first child be it your attitude to work it could be anything I'm not sure I was that fundamentally changed see I don't think you were

and I think it would be I think it's it's a very it's a very popular thing I could have said something quite romantic then I'm like no no no but I'm so glad that you said that I still feel very much like me and I feel like I wanted to have a child to bring a child into my life because I liked my life yeah and so my life kind of stayed the same because I was like my life's a really cool kid I'm so glad that you said that because when I speak to other women after their first child, the first thing that they say has changed is their attitude towards their job or their outlook on their career or their kind of like career goals, etc. So I wasn't expecting you to say that. And I'm actually glad I was right in the end. But that's kind of the, and I get it when you're a mum, before you're a mum or a parent, you slave away to work

and work is the most obvious thing I can think about. Or maybe you go out and, you know, your priorities obviously naturally will shift because you are now a mother and that is the most important job you're bringing, raising a child and your love and all your time will go to that child. And that's probably the one thing I hear so far. A lot of mums say that my job now is just, I don't really care. I mean, I don't care that much. I really care about my job and I'm really passionate about what I do.

Daytime with you. Like I've tried to put 110% into everything. You do. You know, like I really try to work really hard on stuff. And having a child hasn't made me not want to do that yeah

what it has done is like mitigate a bit of the risk of stuff yeah so if I'm like oh my god if I fuck up

or say do something really bad at work or something fails at work it's like less of a big deal yeah but I think that happens when you say less of a big deal can you expand on that

like why because you're a mother and you've got this thing that you've got you've got this human to take. When you say you have to give up a deal, can you expand on that? Like, why? Because you're a mother and you've got this thing that you've got this human to take care of. Because when you have life at home, you're like, okay, yeah. You know, my responsibility

to deliver you this product on time is a big responsibility. I take it seriously. But my responsibility to keep this tiny human alive for the next 16 years and not kill it by accident is a real responsibility

that I take very seriously. It's those things. Yeah. So like that, but I think you'd feel the same if you're, one of your parents passed away, you know,

that perspective shift of being like, that's life gone. And actually it's that reminder of life that pregnancy gives you, you know, because you're just like, there's life inside of me

and we think work is life, but this is, this is life. You know, these are, this is our life. I, I know i'm never

going to have children but i have frozen my eggs just in case and you and another friend of mine two of my closest friends who are mothers are if i was ever going to be a mom i would model motherhood on you two because you are so loving to your children like i look at your bubs and he is a happy child like he is and her two children they're fucking happy like she doesn't spoil them but and she reasons with them and when they're being dicks like she'll fucking tell them but she she does that because her own childhood wasn't so great and from the conversations I've had with you I know that your your childhood was tough and is that something that I guess are you actively trying to create recreate not recreate guess are you actively trying to create recreate not recreate

but are you actively trying to create memories that you didn't have in your own childhood with your parents yeah I mean I probably pre having my firstborn was like I'm gonna do everything different and I will change the the perspective of this human being and I'm gonna be this big influence I'm not gonna be my mom I'm not gonna be my mom influence. And I'm not going to be my mom. And I'm not going to be my mom. But the truth is, my mom's fucking great. And she worked with what she had at the time that she had it. And I'm not going to shade on her for that. Like, I didn't have a shit childhood. It was fine. It's complicated.

Like, whose isn't? But, you know, part of the reason I wanted to have a first child is because that relationship I have with my mom is so unique. It's such a unique thing and you come out of their body and you you change their life yeah and they give everything to you and we like don't appreciate them what traits do you share with your mom do you think I'm not very similar to my mom I share more traits with my dad but do you think you can't see that you can't see the similarities between your mom I really can't I. I'm really trying. I've never saw, I'm much more similar to my dad than I am my mum.

I don't see, me and my mum are two very different people. I'm really trying. I'm like, what does she do that's good and bad that I do that's good and bad? And I'm like, anger? She's actually an angry woman. You're weirdly a little bit like my mum Me? Yeah and you're both Leos as well You're both like August babies I find a lot of your personality traits To be quite similar to my mum

Really? Yeah Like I'm going to use this word And I mean it I know what word you're going to use No it's like a little bit like smothery Do you know that word smothery? It's really interesting, it's like a little bit like smothery. Do you know that word smothery?

It's really interesting because it's like smothering. It's got the word mother in it. But it's like what a mother is supposed to do. Did you? My mother will do that thing where she's like. Did you make that up? No, no, it's a word. Smother. I'm going to smother you.

Smother you. I thought you said smothering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smother you. Yes, I do do that. You're a bit of a smotherer. Yeah, I absolutely do that. So like you'll be like, do you need a drink?

Where's your drink? Should I get you a drink? And I'll be like, I don't know. P your drink should I get you a drink and I'll be like I don't know pops have just arrived like what the fuck she's like your glass is empty

let me get you another one you want water I'm gonna go get you that and it's like my mum does the same thing where like someone comes into our house and it's like

they will not rest until they know that that person is like fed watered comfortable happy oh my god

okay I love that about you but it's like a smothering no but you're my you make it sound like I've got a smothering no but you're my my you make it sound like i'm on a pillow on your fucking head stop smothering me um my mom does

that so i found a trait she does that but i think that is a universal asian mother thing yeah so i've got your mother that's everyone every i've got a theory about this i feel like because i was smothered as a child and like followed around and like made to have all the stuff that I needed and was like carefully, are you warm? Are you cold? Are you wet? Are you tired?

All of those things constantly that in my romantic life, I seek so much freedom. I seek independence. I don't want to be smothered. I want to be able to look after myself. And I want you to be able to look after yourself. And I want us to come at points where we need each other. Oh, that's great.

But I don't want to feel like someone's constantly asking me if I'm okay. Yeah. And that is something I'm very, very fully aware of, which is a thing of mine. I'm like, I don't know. I just need all these people and the voices in my head telling me. It's so funny. When my mother smothers me and it is like pillow-inducing smothers.

I go around her house. You've been to our house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she will not let me rest she's like do you need this do you need that eat that

and I'm like I haven't finished this my mum will come up and down from her room down to come and tell me and my partner many times do you want some grapes

there's some satsumas in the fridge did I tell you I got a pineapple there's a pineapple it's always fruit and it's always past midnight when you're like

I don't need a glucose spike this is why you have diabetes like why are you constantly giving her speed but she's up and down she'll go and sit down in her bed then she'll be like hmm but i'm out of the six of us i'm probably the most smotheriest and my mom does it and it is relentless i'm like i've had to literally bark at her stop sit sit yeah i want to have a conversation like a dog sit sit don't talk to me like and not as in

talk to me but i just need you to stop and it's this weird like complete selflessness that i you know i'm a mom and i wouldn't say i'm some selfless god like i have things i have needs i have things i want i have a caring responsibility but like i'm not selfless but they're just like turn this thing on but if i'm'm really honest, like to my core, I'd probably smother my son a bit. Because it's just like all I know. But it's all I know what it is to be a mum. Well, it's just all I know.

My six siblings. It's all I've been programmed to do. So you are a sexpert, sex connoisseur. You have a podcast all about sex. I'm not a sexpert, but yeah, yeah. I was saying it in jest. Someone who enjoys sex talks you have a podcast all about sex not a sex part but yeah yeah I was saying it in jest someone who enjoys sex talks about sex

talks about sex has sex drive you like it you talk about it you're open with it I'm a human being you're a human being although my personal trainer

the other day said that you and Rubina have high sex drives and I was like do we really and he's like yeah and then I was like

maybe we do anyway point is you like sex yeah can you see yourself fast forward can you imagine a future where one of your sons Maybe we do. Anyway, point is, you like sex. Yeah. Can you see yourself, fast forward, can you imagine a future where one of your sons comes to you and talks to you about a date

and gives you like really graphic details about the sex? Maybe he's got a conundrum, a bit like shaggy aunties. Can you be a shaggy auntie mum? To my son? To your son. I think it's funny because I think the conversations with around sex with children are always like this kind of like boarded off thing yeah and I actually think to have good healthy sex and good healthy conversations about sex you kind of need

to like pepper them through daily life yeah and I'm not saying I'm going to be talking to my son about my sex life every day but I think I will be as open as I feel I can be. And I also want my partner to do that. Is there a boundary? Is there a line? Yeah, there's definitely a boundary. Where's the line? I'm not going to be like, we waited for you to have an app to have sex. Lol.

Like, come on. I'm not going to like tell him every time I have sex. But I think. No, not necessarily about you having sex with your partner slash his dad. I'm saying him coming to you about his sex ploys. He can come to me. I'd listen. I hope to give him real...

Really? You're going to tell him, oh, this is... Darling, this is how you go down on a lady. This is what you should do. You must go first.

You must. No, as in, he needs to make sure she goes first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As in, he must go down on her first. Yeah, yeah, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that is definitely... I'm sorry, that's my responsibility as a woman to do that For my son To tell him That that is something He should do

No no no That yes That is broad strokes That's like Oh come on That's just That's just courtesy And etiquette

But like Well I don't know Because they're probably Watching a lot of pornography Where there's not That much cunnilingus Like there's much less Cunnilingus than there is blowjobs

Fair And so I will probably Need to tell him That it's his responsibility To go first. Yeah, I know, but that's like, what I'm saying is

that's like a very broad general advice. What if it goes a bit deeper and then it's like, is there a line, there must be a line for you. I don't want to hear all about his sex life.

Yeah. But I really want to be the mum that he can come to when he has issues. Yeah. Or if he's worried about like, you know, erectile dysfunction.

Like, I mean, I think that's probably something that his dad should deal with. But I will also be- So there are some things that you're palming off and delegating to the partner.

Well, it's harder, isn't it? Because like, how much of his body can he talk to me about? As a woman. Yeah.

Yeah, fair. Because I don't have the same parts as him. Well, that's the physiological side. Yeah. But what if, so,

okay, let's just do basics first. I love him coming to me and being like, oh, I love Mary and she doesn't love me anymore. Oh, my God, that's fucking... I love that shit.

I want that shit. Mary not fancying him is basic GCSE BTEC shit. I'm sorry, I did not go to my mum and say, Mary doesn't fancy me. Of course you don't fit to go to a house of cards. We're never going to go to a mum's. I want to get slapped for one thing and I don't know what your mum's going to do.

Like, that is... This is it. In the space of two generations, look how different it is. There was no way I could... I mean, forget about it. I don't know what your mum's going to do. Like, that is, this is it. In the space of two generations, look how different it is. There was no way I could, I mean, forget about it. I can't, like. I think realistically it won't happen. Like, I think the reality is he will grow up into whoever he grows up into,

and that could be, like, a big shy boy, or, like, a much more open energy boy. Like, he's still, he could be anyone. And I can give him the door and it will always be open but how he comes to it is up to him yeah that's true

but and I don't want to put any pressure on it like I would love to be the woman he comes and cries to about Mary but it's just it's fine if I'm not

if you encourage a house if your household is and like we said about peppering if you make it so from a young age

I mean not like two or whatever but from a young age, I mean, not like two or whatever, but from a young age where you can talk about these things and the door is always open, then you've effectively cultivated that sort of environment where, look at us Asians, we're the one fucking group, I feel, where sex is still a taboo. I know.

What we do, this feels rebellious. Condoms, I just wish my mum had said like, here, this is what a condom is use this condom whereas like the first time I heard sex I was like he got out a condom

and I was like well thank god you bought it because if I hadn't bought it we would have just done it unprotected yeah well this is it

there's so much we don't even talk about I mean we couldn't even have a condom chat with my mum and dad she'd probably ship me off

to Bangladesh but when are you going to do the birds and the bees are you going to do the birds and the bees? Are you going to do the birds and the bees? Yeah. Because we know

school, sex education in our day was shit and it's shit now. He must have some concept of the birds and the bees since his mum is up the duff. What are you talking about? As in like,

my two year old has asked me that there's a baby inside me. I've not told him how it got there, but I told him that his dad gave it to me Okay Bubs at this age

Is whatever Yeah but this is what I'm saying It's peppered through your life Right So you're like Birds and bees B-tech Whatever you call it level

This is like stage one Stage one okay Okay I get That babies come from women I'm just thinking about Like how those doors Were so shut for us In so

Like yeah I didn't have a cool auntie Telling me what the What the sex play was So my first night which I said shared the story on series one was horrific I was in a cell working me I was in thick camping socks you're nervous I was so nervous my heart was beating in my head um I didn't know what to do I'd never kissed a man I'd never shared a bed with a man I I just was clueless. And maybe not my mother, but if someone older had just taken me to one side and said,

maybe kiss him, maybe touch, maybe caress, maybe take your clothes off, maybe take your summer camisole off. Maybe take your socks off, honey. I still have sex with my socks on. It's stuck. I love that. I feel like there's a way to say it as well that's the one thing i need to be really careful of my partner's really good at like getting our

son to do stuff by jedi mind tricking him and basically being like yeah you don't want to go to bed do you oh he doesn't oh okay well maybe i will go to bed yeah yeah whereas i'm like come on come on come on come on whereas my partner's just like no we gotta like make him think it's not so like right now we're trying to get our two-year-old to become a jazz musician like long term this is like a long-term game we're like jazz musician let's just plant the seeds plant the seeds plant the seeds and part of that is like you know like playing like having instruments around the house and playing lots of jazz um and also then being like well you can do what you want but you know you could play piano it's over there no you don't have to play piano you know like doing all the kind of weird stuff and how much you can do what you want, but you know, you can play piano. It's over there. No, you don't have to play piano. You don't have to play piano.

You know, like doing all the kind of weird stuff and how much you can trick them. And I think the same thing about talking about sex, right? So you're gaslighting your child. You're gaslighting your child. But you're doing it in a way that, because look, nobody thinks their parents are cool.

Yeah. When you're growing up, you don't want to take your parents' advice. It's like, you want to do the complete opposite. Yeah. So give your child the complete opposite. Mm.

You know? So you're going to Jedi mind trick this one as well. Yeah, I'll be like, don't wear a condom. He's going to listen to this though and be like, I know you're gay, mum. I know what you're doing. Are you excited? Yeah, I'm really excited. I'm like, today is my last official day of work.

I am 35 weeks pregnant. My first child came at 36 weeks and six days. So I could be like a week away or I could be four weeks away. No, I don't want to be four weeks away. I'm so big right now. I'm like done. I'm just really excited about like nesting, which I didn't do for the first. And it's a summer holiday.

So my partner's off, my kid's off. We're just having some family time. And like, I'm actually quite relaxed. partner's off, my kid's off. We're just having some family time. So large. And like, I'm actually quite relaxed. And I hope my vagina is also relaxed for the birth. Was your vagina not relaxed the first time around? I mean, you know, vaginas are built to tear and repair. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess they are. That's what they're built to do. That's what they're built to do. Well, they have something the size of a watermelon coming out. There's going to be some tear on you. Yeah, that's why you don't want to get too far down the weeks, right? Oh's what they're built to do. That's what they're built to do. It's like literally their function. Well, they have something the size of a watermelon coming out. There's going to be some terror in there. Yeah, that's why you don't want to get too far down the weeks, right? Oh, because they get bigger and bigger and bigger. Well, you don't want the big head. The big head babies come at like the 41 week.

You could have a baby still inside you after 41 weeks, of course, because it could be overdue. It could be overdue. Oh. I know. And then by then, can you imagine? You've got this whole human inside of you and you're like get the fuck out

get the fuck out there's this really good TikTok that's like been pregnant for way too long and I'm going to sing this song and I'm like

I really need to do a video because I've started to feel pregnant for too long but I'm not I'm only 35 and so actually if I had the baby

right now today it would be premature alright what is it after 38 weeks 37 is like full time. Okay. So you want to get to 37

and that's when you want to start doing the curries and walks and the get out of me. What? What? 37. Yeah. Have you thought about

launching your TikTok career with the new bubs? No. Do you know what? I watch and have obviously been targeted online with a lot of

mother Instagram slash everyone is listening to me i've been very public about being pregnant um but i watch so much mum content and so much of it upsets me why because it's just like everyone thinking that there is the right way to do anything frustrates me every single pregnancy is different every single body is different don't listen to any of that shitty advice. Yeah. Speak to your midwife if you have concerns.

That is the most BBC thing I've ever said. I'm like literally so indoctrinated. It's more BBC than the Action Line. Yeah, exactly. But it's true. The internet's never going to tell you the stuff that's for you. And I feel sorry for people who like are addicted to therapy videos online or addicted to like mum content because it's because it's just like, it's not going to calm you. It's going to stress you out.

It's like, these are the three things I did that made my birth so beautiful. It's like, your birth isn't beautiful. It's fucking hardcore. It's really raw. A human being is climbing outside of you. It's okay for it not to be like pretty.

Like you don't have to be there with your makeup. Like I saw one woman, right? She had her hair in rollers. Right. For the birth. Shut up. So that she could take her rollers out and take photos with her baby do you have a full face of makeup full face of makeup everything i was like i think those women are just absolutely like the bat shit crazy i'm just yeah like you're gonna be i mean do what you want to do for you but

like if you think perpetuating that style of motherhood to other mothers, it makes other mothers feel terrible when the rest of us have like bled over our old nightie because that's all we packed in the bag. You know, like. Do you not find some of these videos like helpful in terms of information? No. No, okay. So do you think it's misinformation?

I don't think it's misinformation. Everyone's just talking about their own experience, right? And as long as you do it from this is my experience, this is your experience, this is what I did. A lot of the videos are like, I had two dates every day in the lead up to my birth and then I didn't tear. But you could also have two dates every day in the lead up to your birth and tear really badly. Like none of those things will help you get to that experience because your experience is different. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It sounds like you're saying that some of these influences are caveating it in such a way that it's like,

these are the three things that help me, so therefore it's implied that these are the three things that might help you. And if I was a new mum and a bit clueless and a bit lost, and certainly if it was my first, I would be lapping that shit up. You know what? And actually I have just shat on it

because there is that aspect of social media, social, right? It's like us all talking about it a bit more and like god our moms didn't have that they didn't have any of this like let me maybe tell you what might happen if you do tell let me tell you what happens if you become a single mom let me tell you what it's like to have triplets on a Tuesday when I'm trying to make my protein shake I mean some people just have like mad lives on the internet you're like really that's your life like a get ready with me and my newborn of two weeks it's like you should be fucking sleeping bruv yeah what are you doing making video content what about this that nadia's woman that you love the trad wife lady oh nara smith nara smith she's how many kids does she have she's got three kids i mean but her shit's mental too but that's kind of also why i like her because it's also surreal

because she's there in like her little dangly nightie basically like I'm gonna make coke from scratch but does she not have it she must have help and a nanny a family of people yeah but nobody shows you that stuff no of course yes I know but the whole like 24 hours in my day stuff isn't like let me show you how I bleach the floors or clean the toilet or do the recycling which I usually hate doing oh my god so I really really really think recycling's important But like could we make it easier Yeah And I'm cleaning out the yoghurt pot

We have a lot of yoghurt in our house We're a yoghurt family We're a dairy family actually And are you cleaning it out In the sink Yeah yeah Sometimes I don't even do that It's really bad

You don't clean your yoghurt pots I should but I don't It's assuming Who do you think's gonna do that then I'll just put it straight in the recycling Sometimes sometimes I take like waste quite seriously.

You know what? I want a compost bin. You should get a compost bin. Why can't? The council won't give it to you. Oh. They won't give it to me. And I think

if I got a compost bin I'd take everything seriously. Because if I don't have a compost bin I'm like a bit slapdash. Do you know we have a food waste disposal where you can put food

and then it goes... And then it sends it down to you. You've got a posh sink. Yeah, but the other day someone came over and they were like, where does it go? And I was like, that is a really good question. Well, clearly. Yeah, I was like, it goes to the recycling plant.

Surely. This magical recycling plant. I couldn't answer. I was like... Do you know what? I thought we were being really eco because it came with the house the food waste disposal unit but I don't know what it's for

that's great it was clearly going somewhere no it's mashing it up and sticking it in the sewage water it's soo soo I don't know do you find it really hard to be good

to be a good human on a daily basis and you're just like I think I'm good but then you're just like I'm a terrible human all the time yeah on a daily basis

but I'm like the way I justify is I think I'm good but then you're just I'm terrible human all the time yeah I'm on a daily basis but I'm like the way I uh justify is I am a really good friend probably could be probably could be a better daughter in fact definitely could be a better daughter but I offset it I off it's like you know how people offset their um their recycling it's like oh I don't have a kid so therefore I'm gonna going to eat steak and fly. Oh, yeah, of course. So you offset it, right? So I'm like... Carbon emissions, nice. Yeah, so I'm like, well, I haven't done that, but I'm good at that.

I didn't clean the yogurt pot, but I did call my mum to make sure she was alive. So I've done neither of those things. Oh, God, you should probably call her after this. I'm going to call my mum. What phrases or what things, other than saying I love you, what things would you say to your two children that your mum and dad didn't say to you as much that you wish they did say when you were growing up or even now I would just joke I'm gonna joke around with my kids way more than my parents joked around with me they took life very seriously they still take life quite seriously

and um we laughed as a family but really. And those were all the moments of my childhood I cherish. Like when we actually had jokes and we were all happy. But also I was going to say, I'm happy to be fallible in front of my kids in a way that my parents just could never say sorry and could never say they made a mistake. I'm happy to be like, I'm a human. I fucked up.

I'm sorry. I made this mistake and I'm sorry. And I'll do that regularly. And having fun and tell them there's no like model motherhood that I am and also they can be sad too like when my kid cries my mum's always like oh if you cry I'll call the police she's like pissing him out with my two-year-old and I like I know she's doing out of love but sometimes I'm like he can cry yeah I want a boy who can cry I want a boy who feels okay with getting there with his emotions,

however he does that. And I want him to know that he doesn't have to be happy all the time. I think it's so important to see your parents as human because that's when you start to forgive them. Totally. And you're like, you know, like, I think my parents did the best with us that they could do in the context of their situation.

And that's what you can ask for. I think my parents could have done better, but I will forgive them. I've forgiven them. I've forgiven them. I'm so happy. I'm where I need to be in life. No one is telling me what to do. And I've totally forgiven them, but they could have done a better job. But I also appreciate how difficult their life was.

So if I ever, you know, I'm not going to have a child, but if I ever, I think my fear actually, one of the fears I have of having a child is that I will actually be the worst versions of my dad and my mum. But the truth is sometimes that's okay. Like sometimes I hear my mum's voice come out of my mouth directly to my toddler. And I'm like, oh my God, why did I say that? Where did that even come from? Isn't it so ironic? But you'll be parent the way you were parented. Yeah.

And you're unlearning and you're doing all the kind of, you're doing all the progress with them. But you are doing things differently to the way your mum... There are some things that you're doing differently, right? Yeah, I'm with somebody I love and that's a really... That's shit, yeah. That's a bold start to a family. Yeah, absolutely.

But isn't that crazy? Because that really does change everything. Yeah, and that feels like basic for me yeah in the space of a generation I'm with somebody who also wants to raise a child with me together and that's not like a big reward that's just like base level expectation from me that's that's wild that in a generation that you can say that yeah isn't that mental I find that just yeah and this is the other thing like Bubz's generation and beyond

their experiences are going to be so different to ours and our parents and their grandparents right like we're probably a little bit closer

I don't know I'm a bit worried my mum's really influenced my two year old I think he's going to become quite religious she's always praying with him oh that is classic

she's always praying with him that is classic granny move my other friend she's like Pops that is classic granny move my other friend um she's like pops i don't know what to do they've got like my parents are talking about taking her to the mosque and like reading all this stuff and i'm like i don't even know i don't even know what my relationship is with faith like what is happening and i mean my my two-year-old in the car the other day before we started driving said bismillah because that's what Nani says and it'll just like

give us a good vibe for the ride and I'm like wow so now we all get into the car I'm driving he's like bismillah

go okay here we go but it's I mean I don't know what you're feeling about I don't know how you feel about it but it's like a it's a nice Nani tradition

that he's just when my mum is gone you're gonna beat that shit oh god no I was gonna say when my mum is gone I're going to beat that shit Oh god no When my mum is gone I will look at my child And see her there Yeah

It's so reassuring to me Yeah That's so reassuring to me Now it's time for The Shaggy Aunties Okay This is quite a meaty one I will read it

Hello team Love the podcast so much I didn't realise How meaningful it was To me personally Having you representing In such a high profile space Until I heard Rubina

Say her mum As mine does Say You might have to say this Munchumatukaito To use the spelling As in You're eating my head

My mum is also Ismaili from East Africa And speaks Kutchie And although I knew Rubina's family Was the Ismaili from East Africa and speaks Kutchie. And although I knew Rubina's family was the same background, it made me cry to hear Kutchie spoken on a mainstream BBC podcast. I know exactly how she feels.

My dilemma is I've recently devastatingly split up from my long-term partner of three years together. He was the only serious relationship I've had and I thought he was who I would have kids with, etc. We just bought a house together, I'm heartbroken. The breakup has left me pondering big questions about who I am and what I want from a partner. Anyway he was a white man and the only two other significant albeit not serious relationships I've had have been with white men too. All three of them had a real propensity for

brown women with all or at least most of their exes or other significant slash future partners also being brown and black women. It's something that's always made me uncomfortable, but we've never really discussed the question of fetishization. I struggle with only being liked by men who have a thing for brown women, but also feel discarded by most of the male population, possibly because I'm a brown woman. I do so badly on apps, even though I truly think I'm not bad looking and have a lot going for me in all the conventional ways. Good work, own home, lots of friends, sociable, et cetera. And then so many men who do like me

say something creepy about me being exotic or show up as a man with a thing for the browns. Any thoughts on this topic? Has it ever happened to or bothered either of you? Thanks so much, guys. Listener from London. know it probably feels really raw and bad now but like both of us can attest to long-term loves not working out and how much we grew from the end of that relationship to where we are now yeah and how much we love this person more than we did the person that was in those relationships yeah god i'm so sorry that well first of all sorry about your breakup i can't imagine how hard it is i

didn't mind being fetishized. I thought it was hot. But I think the moment I found it uncomfortable or a pattern, or if I was in a very similar situation to her where I was going out with white guys and the moment it got too serious, they didn't commit, they fucked off. Then I would really recalibrate and be like, hold on, what's going on here? This is not making me feel and this is making me now feel uncomfortable and I've got to change something about the way I the way I'm I've got to change my approach to dating yeah right yeah yeah yeah and I guess that like creepy exoticization that you're feeling on your side it might be interesting to like ask yourself also maybe why you're liking white guys right because there is that kind of same uh not

same but similar interest if you're just dating white guys like what is that about you what does that say about you yeah because i'm with a white guy and i have been for a long time although to be honest i was really pleased when the part my current partner told me that he's also south american like his mom's south american because i was like ah that feels interesting and that feels like less complicated in some way yeah um so maybe just explore the other like diversity of the the people that you're dating but also I think what you're right though like ask yourself because the guys I was fetishized the guys that were fetishized me it was only in the constructs of like the sex in day to day certainly with my partner felt totally equal and I didn't actually feel fetishized in my day to day yeah we were doing the washing and the

laundry and the cooking and the you do this it wasn't like you've got to do it because you're fucking brown and you're the maid like it was like in real life it was completely equal and that's how I approached the whole fetishization thing. In the bedroom, I don't mind. Immediately outside the bed. In fact, immediately after you finish coming inside me, we're equal now. And I don't know if those conversations are happening. Or they're clearly not happening because you're not talking about it. So maybe if the next guy you date is white and you feel like they are fetishizing you,

maybe this is a conversation that you need to have you know sober not not you know not during sex but certainly before like let's talk about this because it sounds like it's the elephant in the room and I also think that there's a big pool of men out there and maybe I know you're saying that you do badly on the apps and that sucks I mean sometimes that happened to me like sometimes I had really good flurries and i was like ah loads of guys and sometimes i had like very few but not all of us look like poppy j so you know some of us are just average looking with a bigger nose come on don't do that and so you know i just think like but i don't think you should like put your put all your eggs in an app basket you know like try and do some like day to day like ask your friends they got hot friends

I did a lot of that I was like you got a hot friend you got a hot friend you know people have some hot friends just be a dog on heat basically me at weddings I'm like who's single like yeah yeah yeah yeah the other thing uh dear listener I've um fucked my first brown guy after my ex-husband divorced him 2009 we're to 2024 that's that's a long while so diversify you know think like this instead of this I think like it has happened to most brown women dating in the UK to have some sort of like comment made at you brown fever was my thing yeah yeah yeah of course um it's a guy in an airport who told me that he had brown fever uh which is so racist which is so racist but i mean i still snogged him i think listener it's really important for you to check in with your feelings and you're feeling uncomfortable number one so this is a pattern

that maybe you like avoided denied kind of buried your head in the sand about with it but you're now feeling uncomfortable so it's risen up here yeah it's in the sand about with it. But you're now feeling uncomfortable. So it's risen up here. It's in the surface. So it's bubbling away. So the next guy, I mean, try and have an open palette, black, brown, East Asian, whoever. But if you are, you know, if you find yourself in a relationship

with a white guy and you find those patterns are reoccurring, you do need to talk about it. To your level of comfortability, attraction is attraction. If a guy comes up to you and he's like, I think you're hot, you don't always need to talk about it to your level of comfortability attraction is attraction if a guy comes up to you and he's like I think you're hot you don't always need to know the reason he thinks you're hot

I can tell this is eating your head or as my mum would say dear listener I hope it stops eating your head and I hope someone

is eating you out instead oh I rhymed oh god that was really smoothly done that's a good way to leave and mic drop I'm now going to go and have a baby. This is your last ep.

So we're taking a short break, but we'll be back soon with a special spin-off series. Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. Sorry. Which is really important for you, Poppy. You're going on a bit of a journey. I feel a bit lost. Lost is a stretch. No, I do feel a bit lost. I feel a bit weird not doing a stretch no I do feel a bit lost I feel a bit weird not doing

this with you you need to do this this is very important for you okay fine this is like the Poppy J school of unlearning the education of um the sex well the education of Poppy J yeah but yes we are we are parting ways but temporarily while you go have bubs and enjoy your life but we will be manning the inboxes so please do email us WhatsApp us keep us posted with all your shenanigans any shagging anti-dilemmas

tell us what you like tell us what you hate just tell us talk to us yeah we love hearing from you always and thank you for listening and being part of the Brown Girls gang. Yeah.

Bye. Bye.