Brown Girls Do It Too - Farting after Sex! and guest Sukh Ojla

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

Poppy and Rubina discuss the funny parts of sex and the inevitable after sex fart, negotiating sexual positions and leaking fluids! They're joined by comedian, writer and actor, Sukh Ojla who talks about the value of humour in a relationship, being 'on the shelf' (or in the bin outback as she puts it) and the importance of masturbation

BBC Sounds music, radio, podcasts You're about to listen to Brown Girls Do It Too It's a podcast about sex so expect to hear adult conversations and some very strong language Do feel free to check out

other podcasts on BBC Sounds but if you're old enough, brave enough and not easily offended give it a go Brown Girls Do It Too from the BBC Asian Network and not easily offended, give it a go. Brown girls do it too. Yeah. From the BBC Asian Network. I'm Poppy, a British Bangladeshi second-generation

chilli sauce-loving, rice-eating fanatic. And I'm Rubina, London-born British Indian. I can't make a round roti, but I can intellectually stroke my chin hair, so there you go. Do you have... I don't see any chin hair on you now. I've actually... Really, there's quite a lot going on right now. I can't see anything.

Really, that was really kind. Makeup's doing its work. And this is season de, zwa, dos, due, of Brown Girls Do It Too. Due is, I told you it's doi. I said to you in Bengali, doi is do, not doi. Doi. Doi. I was trying to learn Bengali

I was trying to make you feel comfortable here Q I'm so sorry no no no Q Q Q do-ee no say do-ee

do-ee do-ee like a D-H do-ee do-ee do-ee yeah there you go nailed it

nailed it so this is season do-ee of Brown Girls Do It Too or as our team has abbreviated it to bugger-dit bugger-dit bugger-dit which sounds a bit like bugger-tits or bigot bigot Or as our team has abbreviated it to bugadit. Bugadit. Bugadit.

Which sounds a bit like bugatits. Or bigot. Bigot. It is. It's on our WhatsApp group chats. We've abbreviated it to like. B-G-D-I-T. It's not a good abbreviation.

Bigot. Bigot. Bigot. Bigot. So Rubina and I want to provide a space, a platform where brown girls can talk about sex and everything that goes with it without any fear or shame. In this episode, we're talking about funny moments in sex. That's right. S-E-X. We'll be joined by stand-up comedian and writer Sukh Aujla, who will be talking about her funny relationship moments, body image and the importance of masturbation.

We would really love for you to join the chat. So you can email in us at browngirlsdoit2 at bbc.co.uk. And you can also tweet at BBC Asian Network. We are brown girls who talk about sex very openly. And we take a kind of no-holds-barred approach. So in series two, we'll be talking about sex positions, role play, fetishes, fantasies, heartbreak, hookups, makeup and breakup sex. We are brown. we are horny

and I can also make bad man samosas in 15 seconds I know everyone loved that everyone loved that video I put up on the IG of me doing the 15 second

samosa challenge do you know how many people messaged me saying I can make a samosa in 10 seconds and I was like challenge accepted and then I didn't

did you do it so you could start the 15 second samosa in 10 seconds. And I was like, challenge accepted. And then I didn't. Did you do it so you could start the 15 second samosa challenge? No, I wasn't starting any challenge. I was actually showing off my samosa skill. Like, hey, look how I can make a samosa in 15 seconds. And so many people came back and said, I can make it in less time than you. That's hilarious. Yeah, literally. They cussed me down, basically.

So probably you're like a funny person on social media. You're a funny person. You are somebody I've grown to love. You're hilarious. It's true though. When we first met, I'm fully aware that I'm a grower. I was like, you are intense. I'm a grower, not a shower.

You're intense. What I've grown to love about you the most, in all honesty, is like you are so funny and so fresh and so quick. Oh my God, I love you. You're so funny. And it's so funny. And I love hanging out with you because it's just so good. But like, I wonder if it is important in a sexual relationship or in a partnership or you know

with anyone that you've fallen around with to have that kind of level of humor a hundred percent like fit funny and kindness I think kindness is very underrated but funny and fit is like almost interchangeable if you are thinking about having a long term relationship with that person, you'll need the lols because the sex will vanish. Yeah, 100%. I always thought like because I was such like a gawky kind of gross teenager that if I was funny, people would like me because I couldn't be good looking. Like I had to be funny. I had to have some sort of element of personality going towards you. And I find that now all of my friends are like super funny.

They're not the hottest people in the world, but they are funny and they always keep me engaged and they always keep me smiling. Everyone thinks that about their group of mates, don't they? I have my mate because she's really funny. Yeah, I do that all the time. But I think it's interesting, though, your question about how important humour is in sex and in relationships. Would you say it's really important in new, fresh relationships or are you focusing just on the sex? Or like a one-night stand, like you don't care if your one-night stand is funny.

I mean, right now I care about the girth and not how fucking funny you are. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. I'm just hoping you won't call me tomorrow and then we'll be good. Like I remember I had this one-on-one, I'd just come out of like a really long-term relationship

and it was taking me ages to find somebody to like have sex with. Like I was having a couple of snogs here and there, but you know, after a long-term relationship, when you have sex with somebody for the first time after that it is a big deal and I remember taking it too seriously and being really just like getting inside my head and then one night I was just out and I saw this guy and I was like fit my friend was like he is fit and both of us were like he is fit and then she was like you go for it I was like sick I'm gonna go for it and I remember just being like I really want this to be casual I was so desperate

for it to be casual and to like to meet somebody on a night out and like instantly be like it's casual it has to be casual it has to be casual and he was like he was like

I am French and I leave for Toulouse tomorrow and I was like perfect this is perfect this is it you set the scene there is no expectation here

and you know that wasn't he wasn't very funny he was very good looking so I think for like casual sex it doesn't matter for a relationship or relationships going forward, friendships and humour, it's so key.

It's so key, but also I've noticed from a lot of my single friends who are dating online, the bants and the quality of bants is so important in order to get the juices flowing. If you're sliding into my DMs and you're not funny and you're not catching my attention, then I'm giving you nothing nothing so I think humor and having the ability to laugh at yourself as well be self-deprecating I think is a very British quality like we're much more able to be like funny about our defects yeah because like look no one's perfect and actually to be honest the first like 20 times I had sex I was taking it very seriously like almost too seriously

oh the first 20 times I've had sex I was just like thinking I was in a porn movie and like having to like perform all the time or thinking that like we should we're like connecting and it's love yeah yeah we're looking through each other's eyes and we're like really getting somewhere and actually if I could just have like loosened up a bit in that sense and like not taking myself so seriously and again not thought sex was love always and it can be but it doesn't always have to be I think I would have enjoyed it more I definitely would have enjoyed it more I think it's fair to say the way South Asian women, the way brown women are raised,

we are sort of raised to take sex seriously, right? Because it's something that you do when you're married. To take life seriously. Yeah, I know. We're not even allowed to be funny or silly or stupid. It's interesting though, because being funny, I don't think is a desirable quality in an Asian woman sometimes. When you think about the grand scheme of things in terms of like,

when you look at a marriage biodata you know it's like PhD and where she went to school it's not like she's really fucking funny just so funny like you don't it's funniness

and humour is not I don't think a top three quality in a South Asian woman and I also think that people think it's like

if you listen to this podcast you know that Poppy and I's humour is actually quite childish yeah we are like five years which I'm fine with I love it. Because for me, laughing is so, so therapeutic. It feels good when you can laugh from the tummy.

It just feels really nice. It's the medicine for me because I think I often, because of certain traumas in my life and dark times, I use humour to fight my way through it. I always have. My marriage that ended awfully and other things that have happened in my life and with my siblings as well, I use sort of dark humour really to get through it. I always have. Like my marriage that ended awfully and other things that have happened in my life and with my siblings as well. I use sort of dark humour

really to get through it. So laughter for me is a medicine and I want to make people laugh so much I don't really care if they're laughing at me or with me.

I will do anything for the lols. I'll give you a blowjob for the lols. I'm joking. I will. Maybe I would. I don't know. Poppy, have you had any

moments in the bedroom that have made you laugh? Either at yourself or at the person or if they're laughing at you. They all count. Well, I mean, I've always, have you always done that thing where you like fantasize and you sort of fantasize a situation out in your head, right? So whenever I've had sex, I'm quite gassy. God. That's probably why I don't do anal.

Whatever. Point is, I'm quite gassy. And so often when I'm having sex I really always need to fart but the partner I'm with if I farted he would just have a flaccid penis like that is game over done dusted no no we just put it off I mean we could probably laugh about it but it would just put him off and I really want to come and he wants to come so I have to like keep it all in but sometimes as I'm having sex I'm like what if I farted and like how would this play out like I would laugh he would laugh sometimes as I'm having sex, I'm like, what if I farted? And like, how would this play out? Like I would laugh, he would laugh. So as I'm having sex,

I'm like thinking about something completely different. I had that with like, if I need to piss. And I'm like, do I need to piss? Oh, you don't. I think I need to piss. Do you not like finish?

Do you not like come out and do the ween and come back? I'm just like, let's see how far this can go. Oh, wow. Okay. It's like a danger piss. It's a danger piss sex.

I feel like my most comedy moments in the bedroom are often changing from position. So you know when you're like fucking and you're in like a really good position and you're like, is this really working? And then one of you gets a cramp and you just need to move. And then you're in quite like a kind of contortion together

and then you're like, I better adjust. And then you're like, oh, oh, oh, just get around you. Is it you? Is it you? Is it me? To me? To you? To me?

To me? To you? To me? To you? And then those are the moments where you're like, this is not sexy because we are literally repositioning. oh just get around you is it you is it me to me to you to me to me to you to me to you and then those are the moments where you're like this is not sexy because we are literally

repositioning there's nothing sexy about the in between position bits but the comedy in it's good what is the chat when you're like moving position

do you just like do you say anything or do you laugh or do you giggle I think sex is quite a lot about like when you're really with someone it's about like

who's taking control and so sometimes I'll be like I want to go on top now I'm really bored of this like this is obviously really good for you but it's not working for me I need to like yeah yeah so I'll just be like move move climb move oh you don't I just use verbal I use verbal cues like I'm gonna be on top now oh I do like should we try something else oh my god I love that what the the other thing I sometimes get foot cramps really bad circulation oh so sometimes I'm like I'm moving with the foot cramps really bad circulation so sometimes I'm like

I'm moving with the foot cramps so I can so I can ease out the foot also I think my partner thinks I'm like a yoga G because sometimes I just lift up one of my legs

and he's like what about this and I'm like that is beyond my capability oh yeah I can't I actually I'm a tin man I can't do you do yoga?

I do a bit of yoga no I don't do anything but I think sometimes he expects my knees to be up near my ears and I'm like, what is this position? I can even do this in yoga. I'm doing it for you. I mean, it is a good stretch, I guess.

I'm not about that life, I can't. But the foot cramps and the farting and the fanny farts. Oh, fanny farts. So what do you do? Do you call it, do you call it? Because they can sound quite like I don't want to do it. I don't mind a fanny fart during sex at all. It's the fanny fart after sex. After sex and when you're when you call it because they can sound quite like you don't want to do it i don't mind the funny part during sex at all it's the funny part after sex you finish sex and then you're both lying down you're like oh that was great i feel so sexy i definitely

made you come and you made me come it was fucking brilliant and then it's like and that's destroyed any monocle of respect you had for me i'm going to pee i don't want to get a urinary tract infection so bye that's exactly what happens you're just like and they just like come out like it's like that it's like trapped air

yeah it's trapped air but then you're like come on you just pushed all this air inside me like what do you expect from me well I have to declare so if it happens during sex and neither of us have come

I have to declare it and be like that was my vagina making clear that was my vagina making it clear that was not my mouth man that was my vagina I just have to like

double check like oh my god that wasn't me farting that was my vagina and then they never show you the in between bits they never show you

the in between bits of sex the changing positions the putting on the condom the getting out the condom the like this position doesn't work actually can we flip over oh I've got have a cramp

fanny fart fanny fart queefing they never ever show you that stuff also I think being naked is quite funny yeah because being fully naked

in front of somebody is also just like because you don't do it with anyone you just do it with like one person well sometimes one time I did it

twice in 24 hours it was very fun but like you generally three times in 24 hours you generally spend your life just showing one person your naked body yeah and i remember when i first started seeing my partner i was just like like you know really nervous about my body and like really like he's just like butt naked all the time men are a bit like that even if they

don't have a fit because they've got one part to protect. Yeah. Whereas I'm like, my nipple. That's so weird. We are so lame. That's so true. Because like when you can just be like, yeah, I'm butt naked. What's happening now? This is amazing. Like long time relationships, you do get to a point where you're like, should we maybe have a little?

And then you're both like, on, on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got a little dance. It's really like quick. Yeah. You've got a routine. So when does, when does like funny become no longer funny and it's actually just like awkward or weird

when you're like, that's just not funny. I don't know why that's funny. Well, to go back to the farting example, if my partner farted once, he'd be like, hello. But if he farted all the time, I'd be like, you need to do a poo. Like go to the toilet.

Like it just wouldn't be funny. It would be unsexy and it would be unfunny. Yeah. Or if they're making like a comment about your body and laughing about it in a funny way like go to the toilet like it just wouldn't be funny it would be unsexy and it would be unfunny yeah or if they're making like a comment about your body and laughing about it in a funny way where they're like

oh look at your cheeseburgers that's funny but if you bring it up every time guess what I'm going to get a complex about my fucking cheeseburgers so I think there are definitely some things

some comments some actions that are one off I know we talked about it in one of our episodes dirty talk but like there's a fine line with Dirty Talk.

Oh yeah. When it can get offensive even sometimes when you're like, what? Especially with the like, if you're into being dominated. That can sometimes feel like you're in control of the domination for a bit if you're like,

if you feel like you're in control of it. But the line between suddenly being like, wait, what? Yeah. Do you actually think I'm a dirty slut? Yeah, exactly. Are you treating me badly now is what's happening. And that can happen very quickly.

There is a fine line. So that is unfunny. Also, I think that like funny, like being funny is sexy. But sometimes like sex can just, no, I don't think sex always has to be funny. Like sex after you're upset, if you're a bit depressed and you're having a little bit of like pick me up sex. You don't want them laughing.

Because it's not funny. I need to feel love. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah so there's a time and place for funniness yeah and there's definitely a fine line but I just I definitely couldn't ever have sex with somebody who took themselves too seriously because I don't take myself seriously so that would be like why are we together what are we even doing where's our chemistry what where's our banter yeah banter is very very important the lead up the during and the post-sex aftercare, the balance is important. So important. I almost feel like I almost want warm, funny moments after we've both come. That's probably when I don't want you to be too serious. I don't want you to take your hands in my hands and look at me.

I mean, there is a time and place for that too. I want that. I definitely want you to look into my eyes and be like, I love you. But I do, you know, I do like some top quality bounce. I think it's really hard with like fluids and sex because obviously you know

you stay in bed sheets you kind of get no no no I don't stay in bed sheets okay so no no so okay

this is where it becomes unfunny I have my Egyptian cotton sheets that I do not want to stay in it's not even fucking Egyptian cotton babe it's just like

when you are when they've come inside you, do you just like lie there with the cum? Like dribbling out of you? Yeah, for a little while. Whoa. So the moment he comes, I'm like, okay. I lie there for like 15 seconds, if that.

And then I like run to the bathroom and just like. Get it all out. Get it all out. Because like just cold cum dribbling down my leg onto sheets is not. Yeah, that's what happens to me. Oh my God. But then you have to like change your sheets or you just like live in those sheets for like a while.

Well, you sleep in some crusty cum sheets for a few days. Yeah, you do. I mean, that's just like normal. I can't do that. I can't. I just think like after sex, I really like a bit of like lying in each other's arms. Caressing.

Heavily breathing. And as our speedy breath slows down together, I'm trying to be like really over romanticising this, but I just like the fact that we're both just like naked and be like, we just did that

and we're just going to like sit in each other's sweat and filth and be okay with it. But, but, I am a victim of a UTI. So I need to make sure

that I am jumping up soon to go to weed and clean myself because that is very important. So this, this all happened when I got cystitis once. Well, cystitis for the first time.

I was like, what the fuck is happening here? What is this? It burns like daggers. It totally does. And you're like, I just need the lube all the time. What is this? And then this nurse said, you need to wee after you have sex. And so I've just gotten to the habit of like jumping up

and I do all the filth, dirt stuff after I've weed and clean myself. And then get back in bed. And then I can get back. And then I can just gotten to the habit of like jumping up and I do all the filth dirt stuff after I've weighed and clean myself. And then get back in bed. And then I can get back. And then I can really go deep. And then it's like caressing and touching and telling each other how much we love each other. But I have to get it all out.

I am slightly like, I don't want to get all like the patriarchy and misogyny, but like it's so annoying that like he can lie down and be like, oh my God, that was whatever it was. Insert adjective here. But I have to like do the work because there are some times where I want to do what you do. I want to just lie there. And this is going to sound awful, but like sometimes I prefer to have sex with a condom

because I like, I don't have to do anything. I could like, I don't have to. Yeah. I mean, I will go to the toilet eventually, but I don't have to do it there and then. I was thinking the other day about how men can donate sperm and how all they have to do to donate sperm is to cum. And if a woman wants to donate her eggs, she has to go through this like really invasive procedure.

And I've been actually looking into sharing my eggs. If anyone's interested. No, I'm joking. It is a really... I would take an egg. It's a really long... I would love a poppy genetic baby. Oh my God.

I actually love the idea. I would imagine if we had like a baby together it would never happen because that's not how what would we call biology works but

pobina poppina poppina aww so we both love laughing and we both try to think we're funny

but we our next guest is actually a professional comedian Suk Orjula we are so excited to have her on the show and she'll be talking to us to think we're funny, but our next guest is actually a professional comedian, Suk Orjala. We are so excited to have her on the show. And she'll be talking to us

about being funny in real life as well as the bedroom. BBC Easy Sounds. A puzzle appeared online. A cipher. Stumped the smartest people on the planet. But two were able to solve it.

And that's when everything changed. A new thriller podcast has arrived. Sabrina, can you see me? We need your help. Who? All of us. Starring Anya Chalotra and Chance Podomo. You want us to solve the murders? Only you can save the world.

Okay. Yeah, sure. The Cipher. I don't know who I can trust anymore. I'm sorry, I didn't want you to find out like this. Listen on BBC Sounds. Brown girls do it too. So we've been talking about funny stuff

in the bedroom, queefing, funny farts and now we are joined by comedian, actress and writer, Sir Gorgela. Welcome. Hello. Hi, Brown Girls. Hi, Brown Girls. Hello, fellow Brown Girls. Welcome to Brown Girls Do It Too.

We're so glad that you could come on. I mean, this is a really great show for us to have you on because obviously, like, being funny in the bedroom, we have both decided is incredibly important. Do you feel the same way? A hundred percent. I think, I mean, I say a hundred percent. I mean, context is everything. You know, if you're very comfortable with each other, I think laughter is

such an important part of intimacy. Laughter is right up there for me in my kind of ideal qualities that I seek in a partner, along with like kindness and generosity. I think humour is so important. But you know, some people actually don't like comedy. What? Who doesn't love comedy? Oh no! You know who doesn't? That character from Indian Matchmaking. Have you guys watched

Indian Matchmaking? I'm Seema. But basically she was like, I don't want to be married to a clown. Oh yeah, of course. And she's like, why would I ever want to go

with that stand-up comedian? Just the whole notion of matchmaking I find quite depressing. People have done that to me and I've gone, you are not my friend. You do not know me. Fair enough. So do you feel like people try and set you up all the time?

Because you're single, right? So that is your fair game for being matched up. That's like the way it goes. I think the only people that would set me up would be other Indian people. And because I am now of a certain age, I'm 36. When I tell certain Indian members of the community that I'm 36, they just give you this kind of look and it's like, you're not even on the shelf anymore. Where are you? In the stock room? I'm made to feel like I'm outside by the bins with a little post-it note saying, free to a good home.

Reduced after a couple of reduced stickers down. Yeah, exactly. But I don't feel like that about myself. When you said telling an auntie that you're 36, it's like, you know, when vampires see garlic, it's like... I'm melting! It's like the worst age. I almost feel like anything above 32,

like 32, 33 is like the cutoff point. It's like, oh, wait, you could be saved. What's wrong with you? You could be saved. Why haven't you found somebody? Anything, like 34, well, you're fucked anyway. You're going to be 35 and I can't you found somebody? Anything like 34, well, you're fucked anyway. You're going to be 35 and I can't

save you. 35 is like officially like, it's the, you know, you said stockroom, Sook said, buy the bins.

We post it notes saying this is out of date, the Foxes can get to it. This is the kind of society that we live in. I know, it's

ridiculous. I think like I wish that the British Asian people were like a little bit like, found the humour and the silliness in this whole idea of having to like match up, get married, doctor, lawyer, blah, blah, blah. Because it's just so ridiculous.

I find it really funny now when I meet a British Asian and they're just like, and I'm like, oh, what do you do? And I'm a lawyer. And I'm like, you're kidding. Really? Oh my God, you did it. You did it. You did what they told you to do. It's so true. It's so true. It like it's so bad but i do i laugh at it because it's ridiculous and rubina we talked about this earlier but like humor especially in women it's not a quality that

you will see in your bio data or your cv your marriage cv you're not going to see oh my god she's so hilarious like no one cares it's a gendered thing, isn't it? Because my dad, when he speaks in family gatherings, you know, everybody turns to him and then he'll tell this really long elaborate story that's got like one punchline and everyone's attention's drawn on him. My mum's laugh a minute.

Everything's funny. Everything's funny. And she's just really charming and really great, but she's never given a stage. I mean, that's very much like the comedy scene. I said to Rubina earlier, I wish I could rinse the online dating. But I want to talk to you about your experience with online dating. What has that been like for you? I online dated for years. I took it up quite early, not just Shadi.com and the Asian dating websites, but you know, all of the other ones as well, which seemed like a weird thing to my friends because they were all going out and

meeting their partners and making connections like that and that's never really worked for me and so I thought well this might be a really interesting way to kind of connect with other people I am never online dating again you know the notification popping up and then you know somebody going oh well tell me about yourself and you you're like, oh, for God's sake, just read my bloody profile. And then kind of feeling that you have to get back to somebody within a certain amount of time. And I've got a confession. I actually went on a Tinder date with a stand up comedian. And tell me in the chat who it is. Oh, my God. I don't know. I don't know if he's famous at all. But anyway, the date was really interesting because he told me that he loved hairy women and and I have got

really hairy arms and I'm a hairy woman but uh I didn't realize that my pictures came across hairy so I was like oh well he's spotted that anyway hairy whatever got drunk brought him back he was incredibly hairy hairy back hairy front we did not have sex I was like that is too much okay in the morning he was like oh so do you like I think we'll see each other again I was like yeah yeah yeah sure sure and as I'm walking away from him other again. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. And as I'm walking away from him, my route to work, I'm texting him and being like,

yeah, it's never going to work out. It's never going to happen. But the weirdest thing, the weirdest thing is like two weeks later, my friend who was also practicing in stand-up was like, come and see me do some stand-up. I got there. He was on the bill.

Oh my God. He saw me. I saw him. He was there with a different girl. It was really awkward. I think it was fine because I definitely rejected him. And that's such a terrible thing for me to say. But I was like, fuck.

He obviously had a hairy fetish. He had a hairy fetish, but he was really hairy. His back was like covered. I was like, I don't mind her. You love her. It's all over you. Anyway, that was a complete tangent. You wouldn't go out with another stand-up comedian, would you?

Absolutely not. You could not pay me enough to go out with another stand-up comedian would you so absolutely not you could not pay me enough to go out with another stand-up comedian and every female stand-up comedian I know would not go out with another stand-up why is that because you can't have two neurotic people constantly trying to be the funniest person in the room like you just I don't want to date a male version of myself that would be an absolute nightmare how exhausting oh yeah I wouldn't want to date a male version of myself I'd would be an absolute nightmare. How exhausting. Oh yeah. I wouldn't want to date a male version of myself. I'd kill them. So where are you now in your life? Like, are you happy being single? Because often, especially in our Asian circles, being single is almost seen as a sort of stepping stone to being married rather than a life choice.

Rather than a status. Yeah, exactly. I am single. I'm happy with it. Yeah. It's kind of seen as like a temporary phase, isn't it? Yeah. On your way to the final destination of being married and having two kids and having a Volvo and all those kind of things. I'm probably the happiest that I've been single.

Do you have a really, really good vibrator? Is that what's going on here? This is like me just going going I'm just ordering all sorts of unmarked packages I know and I don't know when it happened because for years and years and years I used to really shame myself for wanting a partner and really used to kind of throw myself into dating uh as a distraction from my own unhappiness and I don't think I'm on my own in that I felt like I wasn't valid until I on my own in that. I felt like I wasn't valid until I was in a relationship. And so I kind of did a lot of work around it. And then

finally, actually quite recently, within the last month or so, I just went, actually, I'm okay. I'm all right being on my own. I'm not, this is not what I want for the rest of my life. I would like to meet a partner, but I'm also not in a space where I'm dying to meet someone else. Like I'm, and I think a lot of that comes from acceptance of who you are and being comfortable being on your own. One of the things that we were talking about earlier in this episode was like

being able to laugh in the bedroom, find a partner, yada, yada, yada. Being able to laugh at yourself. Yeah. It's so therapeutic to be like, I'm not taking myself so seriously. There are like jiggly bits, there are hairy bits, there are gross bits, there not taking myself so seriously there are like jiggly bits there are hairy bits there are gross bits there are wobbly bits there are ingrained hair bits

there are bits that I'm just like it's fine do you feel that kind of same acceptance of your body as you get older does that does that grow yeah definitely I definitely accept my body a lot more now I think there's a lot of pressure to like love yourself and I think that's such a such a huge ask isn't it when when you've been told from whenever you can remember that you know every woman has been told that you know oh she's not good enough in whatever way because of the way that she looks you know and I think it's so difficult to be like no you should just love yourself like it's just a hashtag and I just think oh I don't I also really struggle with that you know and then I then I just thought

well how about we just start with acceptance and work it up from there? Because also we're undoing years and years of social conditioning. We're undoing years and years of being kind of compared to your cousin or, you know. Oh, my God. Compared to your cousin. Can we just do a whole episode about that? Can we just like put everything to one side and talk about how I don't know if you've had it Rabina but it clearly so can I have it's like I've been compared to five-year-old cousins like she's clever why aren't you clever she's clever and I'm like are you kidding me she's five years old like what the fuck one time my mum did compare me to someone else was a friend from university and she was like look at Cara she's

so beautiful I'm like mum she's white she's so. She's so fair. She's white, mum. I can't become white. Like, what do you want from me? She's actually blonde as well. I'm not getting anywhere with this. It's taken me a long time actually to accept my body. And I've just really, I think in my 30s, accepted my body shape and my body type.

And I don't know what your experience has been. Yeah, I I mean I've I've always been seen as to like be on like the larger side which is really interesting because I look at photos of myself as a kid and I was just a normal kid I was put on a diet when I was 10 it's not just being told that you're big or you're fat it's also everything that goes around it you know the the kind of so if you're fat you must be lazy and not very clever and not very strong and you've got no self-control and you've got no motivation. So I had all of that to kind of contend with.

For me, like a huge part of my kind of self-love, self-acceptance journey has come from making peace with my body and treating it like my home. I'm really intrigued to know what your opinion is about pleasure and self-pleasure. One thing I really missed out on was nobody telling me about touching myself is good for me and I should enjoy that. Self-love, self-care. Where's the chapter on that? Yeah, nobody tells you.

Nobody tells you anything on that. I don't even know how I learned about it. I don't know if you guys remember. Like, I don't remember there being a moment where I was like, and especially for women, and this is not just for Indian women or Asian women.

I think it's hugely important and not just because I'm single. But, you know, I think it's important whether you're in a relationship or not, like no matter what the status is. I think I think it's all part of connecting to your body. I think it's all part of accepting your body as well. I see it as like a really healthy part of self-care. You know, I think it's up there with taking baths and going for a walk so I know that some women don't masturbate because they think it's shameful or some women don't masturbate because they they can't orgasm on their own I remember reading in magazines when I was a teenager that it was important to to do to masturbate to self-pleasure so that you could tell a partner what to do I also think that's a really reductive way of looking at it yeah yeah because sometimes

like masturbating is never about or for me it, it's never about anyone else. It's very much about me and my relationship with myself and my hand. Yes. Yes, absolutely. And also I think, um, I've been, um, reading up a little bit in to how people, some people use orgasms to manifest and using that moment, like that moment of orgasm to kind of think about what you want. When I'm masturbating, mostly what I'm thinking is, I hope this is a good one. I hope this is a multiple, multiple one that lasts. Every time I masturbate, it's always a good one. It's bang, bang. I can't like three, four times. Have you heard of orgasm practice partners? What? What's that? Well, I was, there's a, there's an author that I kind of came across a

few, no pun intended, that I came across a few no pun intended that i came across um a few years ago and uh she talks a lot about pussy power kind of really uh connecting with your feminine power so she said i called up one of my practice partners and all these people do is they whoever it is i don't i think she's got more than one man they come over i don't know like they're coming to check a gas meter or something. And she makes an appointment and they come over and they give her an orgasm and then they leave. Oh, wow. That's amazing. It's not a business transaction. I was just going to say, she doesn't pay them.

No, no, no. There's no money changes hands. It's just somebody who really wants to give pleasure and she really wants to receive it. But there's no pressure about who you are. That is beautiful so that's not like a booty call that is someone like it's your gas meter man

it's your orgasm meter man yeah after a good wank and a good orgasmic release you are in a new headspace yeah I feel renewed I could take on the day

I feel so much better definitely if you're in a funk in any sort of way I find that an orgasm really helps well orgasm is like exercising. You go for a run, you go for a walk,

you clear your head. That's what wanking is. And sometimes if I'm feeling shit and it's been like five days, I'm like, oh, I feel really shit and I just can't, I can't get out. I've masturbated for like three days. That's what it is.

Definitely, I've heard that. I was like, what's missing? What's missing? I've done the laundry. I've sent my email. I don't know what to do. Ah, I'm due. I'm due.

There it is. Have a little sesh. Have a little ses email. I don't know what to say. Ah! I'm due. I'm due. There it is. Have a little sesh. Have a little sesh. We played this game, which is like a multiple choice game. And now for the next How Do You Like Sex? I mean, we need to work on it. It's really shit. Sorry, it's it. We literally have been workshopping this

so hard. We're like, what do we call this, guys? It's so bad. Whatever. It's like the quick fire fuck game, okay? So there's like two choices and we're like, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Okay. Are you ready?

Yeah, let's go. Right. Doggy or missionary? Oh, God. Oh, you are straight in there. You are not lying. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I don't like babes.

It's the quick fire fuck game. It's the quick fire fuck game. I mean, I've been single for five years, so anything I can get. Okay. Pubes or no pubes? Pubes.

Lights on or lights off? Lights off. Spit or swallow? We're talking about fun, right? Good one. Good one. That's a very good answer. Porn or no porn?

Porn. Ethically made female led porn wonderful grab grab lube it up or natural juices whatever the moment calls for and the final question

hand job or foot job oh my god yeah hand job I can't my feet I've got flat feet my feet don't move that much

I thought you were going to go with foot job I was like yeah I'll bust the job I'll bust the foot job and that's it that's the quick fire fuck game yeah

thank you so much for joining us it was a total joy to have you on our very strange sex podcast I hope you enjoyed as much as we did I love it

it's been bizarre and funny and enlightening I've had such a good time. You're now official Brown Girl Do It Too graduate. Oh. Yay. Thank you.

My mum is going to be so proud. Thank you so much. Thanks so much, Sook. Brown Girls Do It Too. And that was Sook Orjala. Wasn't she amazing? She was so lost. What a funny woman.

Yeah, and I loved what she said about accepting your body. It takes time to get to a point where you feel comfortable within. And don't put so much pressure on yourself to love yourself all the time. Just accept that some days you don't and that's also okay. And self-love is so key, right?

That is what this podcast is. We are creating this space for women to be like, I love myself, but we're not 24-7 performing monkeys. We don't love ourselves every day. Sometimes we don't love ourselves. So it's okay to know, we're not 24-7 performing monkeys. We don't love ourselves every day. Sometimes we don't love ourselves. So it's okay to be able to say that and share it.

We would love for you to join the conversation by using the hashtag BrownGirlsDoItToo. You can also email BrownGirlsDoItToo at bbc.co.uk and you can also tweet at BBC Asian Network. If you've lulled at this chat, then please do subscribe and download Brown Girls Do It Too on BBC Sounds. sexuality or gender. Let's not put ourselves in a box. There is no need to be in them. Disability or mental health. Once you start coming to terms with things,

that's when your life turns around. Just treat them like they're a normal person because that is all we are. I see you, so let me hear you. The Youngblood Podcast. Listen on BBC Sounds.