Brown Girls Do It Too - Female Rage

Episode Date: August 9, 2024

Poppy & Rubina on anger, angry sex, female rage, male rage, brown girl rage- a lot of rage, basically. Is anger always a bad thing? How do we express it in a healthy/constructive way?Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail]. Anger and all other emotions are welcomed!If you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

I hate you so much right now I hate you so much right now I hate you so much right now I hate you so much right now I hate you so much right now So far from sincere Red coat So far from sincere. adult content and as you probably guessed a lot of anger a lot of anger this is a podcast about sex at least it started off like that now we talk about everything everything is sex and sex is

everything and that includes our mistakes our heartbreaks and our hot hot hot hot takes takes. I'm Poppy and I'm angry at the man. But this time it's not a man, it's the man. Jesus. No, I wouldn't want to be angry at Jesus. He kind of helps you, cures you. I think he pissed off a lot of people. He pissed off a lot of people, but he could cure you. Cure you? Cure you? Oh my God, I hope I'm not going to cure you. I don't want you to cure you. He could cure you of cancer, couldn't he? Yes, perhaps. Is that what he did? And he turns water to wine, which, you know, as a Muslim could not be great.

But like, we love wine, don't we? Stuck in a bind? Have some wine. I'm Robina and I'm angry at the stinky little thieves who stole my bike this morning. Oh, May. Can I say, when we were talking to each other today on the way here, I was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you were like, told me about your bike.

And I was like, oh, I know that's got to hurt. It's just the worst thing. Because I know how much you love cycling. You're like a bike geek. I don't know if many people know that about you, actually. Well, I'm not Jeremy Vine, but I do like a bike. Jeremy Vine loves talking about his bike he loves

but he's really good he has a little camera he gets into it he gets it in in every conversation you know how sometimes they're like I'm gonna get

anal in a sentence that's actually not a really shit word but you know when you get like a really difficult word in a sentence he gets it in every conversation

it's his thing it's his thing I mean cycling is like very high up on the things that I'm interested in I cycle every day I don't think listeners know that you love cycling. So when you said that to me, I was like, that's got to hurt because you love it.

It's your pride and joy. It's also how you get your kid around. And I imagine it's probably expensive. Well, this is the interesting thing about this particular bike is that I found it on the street with a sign that said free, take me. Oh, okay. That's even worse. It kind of is.

Oh, that's worse. And then I got it and I like took it to like the bike shop and I paid some money I paid like 100 quid to put it nicely

put a little kids seat on it oh you pimped it out do you know what it's more the sentimental thing of being like that's the first bike I had with my child that I like would take him around on

and now it's gone well your birthday contribution from me to you will be to your bike because I know how much you love it that's so kind I'm going to do the cycle to work scheme

and get them to pay for it okay so that's that and get okay so work will pay for your bike well they do like the cycle to work scheme so you just

they pay for the whole thing and then you pay for it out of your salary every month but it's tiny and you don't pay any tax on it so you're going to get like a Ferrari of bikes I might get an electric

you know oh my god this is a bad day that could turn good I'm still really fucking angry about it though. Yeah, let's be angry. And you know it's that kind of angry,

that angry when you're like super angry that you cry? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That you've crossed over the line and you're like the only way I know how to express this is to like burst into tears. Yeah, this is how I, I don't cry often, but when I do cry, it's anger and tears.

And in fact, the producers told me I couldn't name these particular organisations, but there are two organisations in my whole life that have made me literally scream and cry. I mean, I saw you in the BBC foyer downstairs. And I walked in and you had your white Billie Eilish headphones in, the way she wears them with the wire. Does she do that? Nobody does that anymore. Everyone has AirPods. You're the only one. downstairs. For you. And I walked in and you had your white Billie Eilish headphones in, you know, the way she wears them with the wire. Does she do that?

Nobody does that anymore. Everyone has AirPods. You're the only one. And you were just fuming. Oh, that was me. You had like steam coming out of your ears. Oh, that was me being tame

because I was in a public, I was in the BBC. No, you were not being tame at all. Oh my God. In my, like, you have not seen me when I'm like at my desk in my bedroom.

It's another level. And I can hear you because you literally said, it's making me me when I'm at my desk in my bedroom. It's another level. And I can hear you because you literally said, it's making me so angry I want to cry. Yeah. And you're like, I won't, but you know, just so you know. Yeah. Do you think brown girl rage is a different kind of rage? Oh, it's a special kind of rage.

It's a special kind of rage. I don't think I've had like big arguments that are stemmed in anger with white people. I'm going to put that out there. All of my biggest life arguments were like shouting arguments or with brown people. Or with brown people, yeah. White people don't shout at me. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Not yet anyway. I actually feel like most of the times that I express anger, it's being in the wrong. And I have not figured that you're in the wrong. As in, I think anyone who outwardly expresses anger in the way that I express anger, which is to shout, to cry, to create a scene, is wrong. Because I think when you have that feeling of anger, but I also don't know how to process anger.

So when I feel it, the only ways I know how to get it out is to shout or cry. And it's always quite a dramatic reaction so if I knew how to process anger properly I might think of myself as being better but I think every single time I've shouted at anyone it's because it was my bad I shouldn't have done that so my latest one it's not the worst one but it's my latest one so I can talk to you about it is my mum looked after my son and took him somewhere without telling me uh and then I ended up missing a train to take him home so and she just was really bad at communicating and I was really angry with her and I thought I'd resolved it and then yeah basically I took my son home

and my partner was like someone's cut his hair and I was like what he was like and then my partner asked my son did did Nani cut your hair and my son was like these two and a half so he's like yeah and I was like how did I not fucking notice that and then I went ape shit is that the same day same day same day and I was like how did I not notice that and then I called him was like you absolutely cannot do that I mean he just trimmed his fringe yeah but in the in the moment I was so angry white hot rage white hot rage exactly

so called her like shouting at her on the phone and she's like I don't want to speak to you anymore I don't want to talk to you I need a cooling off period this is what she's telling me and I'm like

I'm not giving you a cooling off period you don't get to walk away from this you don't get to walk away I'm angry at you and you're going to have to suffer and I was so angry and hot and red and she hung up on me

she does that quite a lot she just hangs up hangs up on me so I was like even more hot and red. And she hung up on me. She does that quite a lot. She just hangs up on me. So I was like, even more angry. And I went in and shouted at my partner, who was very calm, level-headed, listened. I took a breath, got me a glass of water. We watched some TV, calmed down. The morning I woke up, gone.

Forgotten about it. Didn't even give a shit about it. Yeah, that's what I'm like. How does that happen? You and I could not be in a romantic relationship. I hated that. I hated that because it was something I felt that was so important in the evening. And in the what I'm like. How does that happen? You and I could not be in a romantic relationship. I hated that. I hated that because it was something I felt that was so important

in the evening. And in the morning, I was like, don't care. I literally don't care. I texted them, I was like, hey, we're good, bye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a new day, you move on.

But that makes it sometimes even worse because it doesn't justify your behavior there and then. Because if it was important or it mattered, you'd carry that with you or you'd still be processing it or you'd care about it.

But the fact that you're just like, bah! And then it's like, whatever. But the fact that you're just like, bah! And then it's like, whatever. Yeah, because that's why I also think this is the thing I struggle with, anger, is like, are we supposed to get it all out? Bah! And then it's like, it's done. Or are you supposed to do some sort of internal stewing?

Which for me sounds even more. But there's two types of people who are angry. I think there's you and me, create a scene, cry, dramatics, full on Bollywood. Sometimes i do just want to stew but when i'm often stewing about something they're often like tier three tier four type arguments they're not that important but they're just like i'm really angry at their sister i mean actually no i'm really angry at this isn't that's a bad example but do you mean sometimes you want to stew well sometimes you want to be like i'm making you pay for this yeah because i think anger is really connected to justice so it's like the thing that you think

is like morally wrong or some sort of justice imbalance that's happened and sometimes you can't get justice back right so bad example but when someone cheats on you you feel like you've been morally done wrong yeah and you can't retain that justice it can't happen to you that person will not be punished in a court of law that's not not how it works. They can cheat on you. They can suck you over. They can take your own money. They can just be awful to you. And you're like, I am so angry because justice or the system of rules is letting me down.

And I need to like. And then what do you have? What do you have left but anger? Yeah. It's the only way that you know how to like. Punishment. Punishment. Punishment.

You just punish them. And that could mean holding a grudge, not talking to them. Slashing their tires. You know, shit like that. I love how you go to violence so quickly. Burning their house down. Have you ever done a kind of... Burning pictures of your ex?

Yeah, and slashing tyres. And chucking their clothes out. I have saged my bedroom. Okay, that's not the same thing. No. But, you know, I've burned some sages. I love how you got I'm slashing ties I really want to do that but I just staged my bedroom I just staged my bedroom

any any no I've never done any like violent shit but I grew up in like a fairly kind of volatile violent house well I grew up in a very volatile violent household and I would like to squarely blame my mum and dad for everything I've don't hit anyone though. I remember I was in a relationship with my white middle class boyfriend at the time and he broke a mug and my reaction was. And he was just like, whoa, like I that was I was just what are you doing? And that's when I was like a special mug or was it? No, no, no, no. It was just a bullshit mug. But it was. Was it like a special mug? No, no, no, no. It was just a bullshit mug.

But it was, no, it wasn't a special mug. Good question. But no, it was just a fucking run-of-the-mill mug. But that's when I realized my anger, and that's the other thing, and I have this conversation with my friend who I live with, Kieran, a lot. Because we're so much, we're too much, we're here,

we have to always dial it down for like white people and everyone else. Because to us our baseline of emotion and it could be anger could be love it could be passionate it's here yeah um but for everyone else it's here and to us that's normal that's how it's your ground zero for us is there and it's not and that's when i realized i'm going to lose this guy and it wouldn't just be cups i'd be moaning and all the things that my parents did to me, not keeping the house clean. I mean, don't get me wrong.

I still fucking moaned about that for like 10 years. But I was like, that was a mistake. It wasn't manipulative. It wasn't malicious. Like, what am I doing? And I had to really rewire my brain and really unlearn all that shit. But my mum and dad, like if we'd broken something or did something or didn't do our, like it could be something. Is it not Chris is not washing our plate to not doing homework to not taking the.

They would just scream and shout because it's all they knew. So all I know how to process anger. Is what you just said, which is what I have to get really. This is the other thing, like I have to be really angry to get there because I can take it take it take it

take it take it take it take it and then I just you know those what do you call it when you're in a car

road rage it's like a real mental thing isn't it then I snap and then I it's so strange how like anger's really physical

it's so physical because everyone knows that feeling of like tensing your hands and like kind of getting clammy hands because you're angry or like

face sweats I get face sweats yeah or just like a tension in your jaw that you get when you're quite angry about something I watched Inside Out 2

the other day it was all about emotions we took my child to go and see it at the cinema Inside Out 2 do you know have you seen it

it's like a Pixar film but it's all about emotions and then like each emotion has like a different character and one of them's anger I um I would love to see them really do a focused episode on that because I think that's so interesting like it's who the angry Robina is someone I don't feel like always have full control over yeah whereas happy Robina I feel like I know who she is yeah yeah yeah even anxious Robina I kind of know who she is and I know like

how to bring her back when she's on her crazy trips sometimes she does some crazy shit you have had too much time with that anxiety ramina like you know all those different kind of versions of yourself but angry ramina sometimes i like don't recognize myself and i like the other day i was like really frustrated with my two and a half year old as most people are when they have a toddler he just did something annoying and I did like a really angry face

and then I caught this face in the mirror I caught this angry face in the mirror and I was like I don't want my son to see that face again I'm ashamed of angry Poppy

she needs to be she needs to be put in a box do you think anger is ever ever a good useful thing like is there is there a way that their anger could be useful yes when you're calling someone out or holding someone accountable or getting actual justice absolutely anger should should be the

driver but it's like it tips the balance when you have too much anger when it becomes ineffective when it isn't getting the desired result, when it's actually counterproductive, that's when anger is bad. But anger is an absolute driver. I think you're so right. Sometimes when someone doesn't hire me, it's like a combination of, I'm going to prove you wrong and it's anger,

but it's like a really good, I'm cruising and I'm in control of that anger because it's like, I'm angry right now, but I'm going to fucking show them. Yeah, or it's like all those just appalled protesters, they're angry about something and that's why they're going actively to do it. And that going to fucking show them. Yeah, or it's like all those just appalled protesters. They're angry about something and that's why they're going actively to do it. And that's why they're channeling it.

Or people that like hack the government to find out stuff is because they're angry about corruption. It's like actually anger can drive you to do pretty incredible things. But this is the same thing. It's like the search for justice. It's like we all just feel like there are certain rules that people need to play by.

And when they don't play by it, we're like, you don't get to do this to me. Now, male rage is something. Male rage is another episode for brown boys. I can't even touch male rage. Female rage is scarier because of the violence. So I remember my dad, he knocked his head. He must have been my age, actually.

He must have been like, not my age right now, obviously, but like in his 20s. I remember this because I told him the other day when I went to see my parents on Eid day and he was quite embarrassed by it all. But I am like spitting image of my dad, sadly. Sorry, dad. He's got really bad anger issues.

And he hit the door. I remember this because I was about five or six. He hit the door. Like walked into the door? Walked into the door and it hurt him. I could see it hurt him. And he took the doors off the hinge. Out of anger?

Out of anger. And that is, I mean, I hate saying it. I'm so ashamed of angry. I'm so ashamed of angry Poppy. If I could take the door off a hinge, I would do it. Like that is the rage that I have. But I think this is what I find

the conflicting thing of even talking about this because actually is there space and should there be more space for you know there's these things called rage rooms

that you go into and you scream smash blades and shit or people go to the edge of a cliff and scream out into the sea and they're like I fucking hate this

yeah yeah yeah and then it's done because it's out yeah yeah but I think that there is have you ever had angry sex yeah all the time

like I hate you yeah yeah yeah and I'm going to make you sleep with me because I know that you're going to want to have sex with me see yeah had angry sex? Yeah, all the time. Like, I hate you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm going to make you sleep with me because I know that you're going to want to have sex with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Angry sex is... Angry sex... Can we come back?

Can we circle back to angry sex? I love angry sex. I've only done it... Angry sex veers into toxic sex. Yeah. So it's like... I've only done it in one relationship in a certain period of time

where we were both really unhappy and it was, like, not good. It was like... And the sex was good. The sex was good like not good it was like sex was good the sex was good but like everything else the emotions around it were just so bad tangled yeah awful and i was doing it like i fucking hate you but i know that you want me right now and i'm gonna do this because it gives me like a power yeah it's so complicated angry sex is there's a there's a expiration date to angry sex you you can't do over a long period of time it's got to be a couple of times and then it's done yeah you make up or you break up but like i don't to angry sex. You can't do it over a long period of time. It's got to be a couple of times

and then it's done. Yeah. Or you make up or you break up. But like I don't have angry sex with my partner who I've been with now for a really long time.

We've never had angry sex. Could you not role play angry sex? Oh yeah we could. But you've not had real angry sex? No I've not had real angry sex. I wouldn't want

I would want if I was in a relationship I would want real angry sex maybe once or twice. I wouldn't want it on the regs. No, it's stressful. Because I think it's a slippery slope into something really dangerous. My angry sex was I found out he was cheating on me and had to confront him because he didn't have the balls to tell me.

Yeah. And then I was like, have you slept with her? And he was like, yes. And I was like, in my head, I was like, was like well you're gonna fuck me tonight because I'm gonna show you how but also how messed up you are

you're the one who's gonna have to deal with sleeping with two women at the same time not me and you might be cheating on me

but I didn't give a shit you haven't had sex with him that night yeah I had sex with him that night that is fucking crazy yeah after like

confronting him on the same night can you explain to me what yeah it was so bad well it's not bad I'm just like no it was bad because I was basically being like on the same night can you explain to me what yeah it's so bad well it's not bad i'm just like no it was bad because i was basically being like i'm fucking with you but really in truth i was also fucking myself over i was also doing some emotional power play thing to myself that wasn't healthy i mean but that's that's that's quite powerful

it's so complicated tangled and fucked and you're just like, wow, yeah, fuck. And I think in our community as well, this idea of like the demure brown woman, it's like the toxic aunties, they are toxic because they are angry because their life is obviously not all of them, but their lives are not fulfilling, right? They're with the husbands and families

and their life is difficult. Again, massively generalizing generalizing but like i wish there was a rage room that you go into often like you might do when you're exercising or you get it you get a massage once a month i mean i don't know it releases the yeah i don't know who's getting massages once a month but although this masseuse did tell me we should all get massages once a month um but like a rage room you go to once a month and you're like ah men do it fucking what is that tennis player's name John McEnroe

yeah that guy by the way listeners Poppy was just mimicking and charading with a tennis bat but making it like a table tennis bat yeah I know

is that what you were going for no I can't because the thing always yeah sure but anyway he was like he was throwing tennis rackets

and then exercise is a really good way to get out anger but then what I'm saying is the way men let out rage like bankers and like they can scream they can go to it

like they can be dickheads they can say things to you whereas women you know Taylor Swift has a whole fucking song dedicated to it if I was a man I think it is called

If I Was A Man like how life would be different right but that's like male rage female rage is different but I wish I could just when my flatmate's not at home, I honestly intermittently let out grunts and shouts. Do you think that we as Asian women,

maybe we keep all our anger behind closed doors. So we do it to people we love. Yes. Like real anger towards someone is only because you really love them and they've really upset you. And if you've got like really intense emotions for somebody, that's the same level of how you can like be angry with them. And like we are the worst to the people that are closest to us. Yes.

That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. But it's like, I suppose it's the beauty and the curse of being a human, right? Like you're so right. And I was just thinking about what you said to what you said earlier like about happy Rubina and anxious Rubina and angry Rubina like I think the person I'm most ashamed of and like you've seen me stressed like a few hours ago and but I'm mostly happy I'm mostly like you know bouncing around I'm not usually angry angry when I am angry, I tend to hide it and I tend to be by myself with my anger because I know how appalling it is and I'm embarrassed and ashamed by it.

So if I just sit in the rage myself and be by myself, no one else can see it. But actually, I do need to talk to someone about it because I do find myself getting angry at things. There is no, there's a zero to 90 like a Ferrari there's no in between like how how quickly do you get angry I think I'm a bit more of a slow burn like someone needs to irritate me first then I need to think about it and if I'm still upset by it then it goes again and then I'm like okay and then I'm like no I'm angry at them um but unfortunately you're like five stages of anger Rubina but I feel like with my mum I'm I give I have no patience

for her and I have no idea why I have no patience for her and I literally will go into a room with her and be like be better Rubina just be better like just be nicer to her yeah and we'll always argue yeah I'll leave shouting at her. It's always the people that you love. And I've got a much better relationship with my siblings, although it was quite toxic and emotionally abusive and very weird. And there's a lot going on there. One sister no one's talking to. She's not talking to us. And that's a whole other thing. But my mum and dad, all of my friends come to me for advice. I give

such fucking good advice. I don't take my own advice. So like with my mum and dad all of my friends come to me for advice I give such fucking good advice I don't take my own advice so like with my mum and dad I show them zero patience I'm always angry at them I'm like and my my dad did something so horrible to one of my sisters the other day like so horrible which I don't know if I can say because it literally made me cry. And all I wanted to do in that moment was pick up the phone and scream. And I think that's where the rage comes from. It's like, I still live it and I still see it. And I'm 15 year old Poppy can't process that. It's like, how could you speak to her that way?

Why did you do that? And instead of asking him questions and making him see, because that's the most effective way to do it, right? Like, why did you say that, Dad? that come from where did that come from did she deserve it she is your daughter like but I I just wanted to just go yeah yeah yeah and I didn't because um this particular sis one of my sisters said please don't call don't call because you will scream at him and then he will take it out on us and so I't, but I do need to go back when he's calm and I'm calm and be like, one of the best notes,

one of the best bits of advice anyone has ever given me is my sister, Sakia, shout out. She says, when you get angry, ask questions. Ask questions of the other person and ask questions of yourself because that's where you'll find the answers because I think what tends to happen with anger is it's statement and bold claims and I did this and you did this and you made me feel like this and it's like trying to get to the bottom of why you felt angry but doing it in a calm way so the other person like a bit like your mum could be like well I thought this and I didn't realise this. OK, mum, well, next time maybe tell, you know what I mean?

It's like, but sometimes anger is good. Sometimes I get like a fucking thrill from being angry. But my God, when it when it when it takes over, it just takes over. Yeah. Oh, my God. What's your like mechanism for. Yeah, it's deep breath, isn't it? It's like to slow down the anger to like, because instead of letting it, like your body get carried away with it,

do you do anything to kind of just suddenly just reset? It's a really good question. How do I reset? I sort of, I think a lot of the anger is sometimes control. Like I don't have control over something and that's why I get angry. I don't have control over someone else's behavior or their actions.

And this is something I need to really try to get better at. I remember a really sort of crystallized defining moment in my relationship with my ex-partner is we were in Italy on his 30th birthday and I was being me, just thinking I was normal and clearly arguing with him. And he was driving badly, I should say, uh but safely but like not like a rude boy and I was just what do you call it front seat driving whatever and then he said something to me and it just literally pulled the rug from under my feet he said I argue with you so much I have never argued with anyone as much as I do with you and I was nearly going to break up with you and I was just like what because in my mind things were going so well and we weren't arguing at all because going back to my baseline with my ex-husband we would argue 50 hundred times a day

whereas with here a bit like you know you're drinking chaos that's shit like I was like that's just talking I'm just like being normal um yeah it's your expectation of a relationship like I expect you to shout at me I expect you to get angry with me and when you get angry with me I expect you to show me your anger in a very specific way I need you to shout at me yeah I need you to maybe throw something at my head yeah and I need you to yeah I need you to maybe throw something at my head. Yeah. And I need you to... Maybe into an anguissex or something. Yeah, I need you to like really feel what you're feeling. This is the thing. I think we, as a culture, we're quite highly emotional. Bollywood kind of drives a lot of the way we feel to express our emotions.

And if you match up with somebody who doesn't do that same way... Who doesn't rise to it. But it's very hard then to read your partner. So in one way, yes, I'm an annoying little bitch to my partner sometimes. But at least he fucking knows what I'm feeling at every single moment I'm feeling it. But it's very hard then to read your partner. So in one way, yes, I'm an annoying little bitch to my partner sometimes. But at least he fucking knows what I'm feeling at every single moment I'm feeling it. With him, I'm like, are you happy? Are you sad? What's going on?

How will I know? How will I know? Like all of his friends tell him that he doesn't express stress in any way. And I'm like, yeah, that's really bad because stress is like a warning sign. Stress is a warning sign of other things. To express stress, to express anger, your people around you can see something's up. My partner can't see shit.

I mean, luckily, I know how he does it now. I can see. I've had to read them. I'm like, you exhibit stress when you have a backache or when you don't sleep or other things. You're not talking to me about it. But I know when you're upset. I know when you're upset. know when you're upset so how do you diffuse situations maybe you could fucking give me

some advice I think uh the old rule of counting to 10 before you do anything I think if somebody sends you a text and you're pissed off with them or somebody sends you an email or something bad happens take a breath and whether that's like just a night like sleeping on something I just wish I'd done that with my mum I wish I'd slept on it because in the morning I would have spoken to her in a much better way and that's the other thing

sorry just to come back to we keep going back to anger and it needs to be talked over with my ex-husband with my mum and dad with my sisters none of us had the ability to walk out of a room

none of us had so you would scream and shout and argue and argue for hours till you were blue in the fucking like no one I remember with my ex-partner when I first had our first big argument So you would scream and shout and argue and argue for hours till you were blue in the fucking face.

I remember with my ex-partner, when I first had our first big argument, I was in the wrong because anger poppy came out. And I was often always in the wrong whenever we argued, which wasn't that much. He'd walk away and I'd be like, where are you going? Where are you fucking going? I'm not finished. And it's like, I'm going to walk away. And that is actually what I do now. I have to walk away from a situation, but I'm walking away from a situation because I's like, I'm going to walk away. And that is actually what I do now. I have to walk away from a situation, but I'm walking away from a situation because I'm like, if I stay, I will absolutely ruin this friendship by saying things.

So I literally have to remove myself because I am so angry. So I'm not moving. Like my ex-partner would go away because he's like, I'm giving you space and to chill out. Whereas I'm removing myself from a situation because I'm like like I'm giving you space and to chill out whereas I'm removing myself from a situation because I'm like I'm gonna say something and there's gonna be no point of return so I'm saving this friendship and saving myself so it's actually the wrong

reasons to walk away does that make sense it's like not good yeah yeah yeah not good yeah I think like reacting in the moment is just never good I've like I've this is a bit sad but I've kept emails from when my brother was really angry with me and the vicious stuff you say when you're angry and i've kept them because i'm like were you i cannot wait to show you these one day because i will never write down bad shit about you i'll never ever text the friend and be horrible to them on what in words because just don't do that those words will haunt you and they'll haunt the person that's kept them yeah because you just do like how you got will haunt you and they'll haunt the person that's kept them. Yeah. Because you just do. You're like, how you got so angry that you wrote it down.

So I think take a breath. Just like, you know. I now do this thing. Okay, so there's like, okay, it's diffusing anger with your friends and diffusing anger with your family.

That's what I'm still working on. With friends, I'm very good at like giving space and distance for those reasons that I mentioned. Probably not great. But what I do now, I think I told you,

when I'm upset or disappointed with my friends, I write them a long email. But the email, I sit on it for weeks, redraft, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. And when I'm like, I'm really happy with this, as in I'm happy, this is coming from my heart, then I'll send it. And I wish I had had that approach with my family that same level of patience yeah I think the key thing is also just

have a lot of patience with yourself as we said anger is like the most natural primal thing to feel and whichever way you exhibit it and feel it like I I personally think it's quite healthy to have a bit of anger and to know and to recognize that in yourself and deal with it in a way that you're happy with yeah um so i i i i've loved doing this episode because i have not looked down at our laptop not once i'm like i can go on and on about anger uh uh what we've learned is i need to go and see a therapist about my anger issues and you need to count to 10 after you... Just take a breath. I think taking a breath, stepping away.

I think if you can feel like someone's getting angry with you or you're getting angry with them, just be like, just put a pin in it. Be like, I don't think this is going to be good for the rest of us. You're not going to resolve it there and then, are you? Yeah, exactly. You're just going to get angry. Yeah.

And maybe like punch a pillow. Okay. Well, you things. And maybe like punch a pillow. Okay. Well you know it's like I really wanted to like smash my smash plates but then you're just

smashing your own plates. Don't smash your plates but you can punch a pillow like a pillow can handle that shit. Yeah or a stress ball or something. Oh stress balls yeah. Or just scream

shout when you're alone in the house just like I do that. It's like this like screaming out to the sea. The end of the floor grunting I do. I'm like

I sometimes see like people do that as I live by the sea and I see people like go up all the way to the coast and they're just like yeah i i do that it's like this like screaming out to the sea grunting i do i'm like i sometimes see like people do that as i live by the sea and i see people like go up all the way to the coast and they're just like ah see we should do that often but then it's such a visceral reaction seeing someone scream will scare you right because you're like are you mad what's going on it's like yeah it's i think there's something in our the way we're wired we're designed to like civilized too far beyond the point that we can look after some of our primal instincts yeah that's why we're also weird about sex too because we're always like oh it's like Humans have like civilized too far beyond the point that we can look after some of our primal instincts. Yeah. That's why we're all so weird about sex too, because we're always like, oh, it's like, hey, guys, this is like a natural thing.

And anger is too. Yeah. It's time now for the Shagany Aunties. You've reached the Shaggy aunties call center want advice you can't ask your real aunties for like how do you ask for what you want in bed not sure which hole is a goal where do anal beads really go have you been faking orgasms your whole adult life accidentally called your boss daddy is your longtime love not going down south. For more than just the tip, we're here for you. Yes, you. And you. And you. Please remember to ask the bill payers permission before calling us. Shagging aunties are not medical professionals and bear no responsibility for the consequences of your

own actions. Okay, I will read this one. Hey Poppy and Rubina, I'm 28 and I've recently got into my first adult relationship and it's going really well. The physical connection is incredible and I really think this could be it for me. However, I don't know how to talk about my emotions with him. It's something I didn't think I would struggle with, but I don't know how to share what I'm feeling. How do I be less of a cool girl and more myself around him? Any help on how to navigate this? I think this is just hard in general.

Like it's a hard thing to get to a point once you, because you first start dating someone, you're like, yeah, I'm easy breezy, easy breezy, fancy, fancy me. I'm going to have such a great time. So it's so much fun. It's so much fun. And it kind of really, when you have a bad day and you want to come back or they pissed you off and you want to talk to them about that,

like to turn around and to tell somebody I'm sad I feel it's vulnerable it's a big moment yeah you're opening up what you've done is you've just shown the fun side of you which is like the best side you know and now it's time for the ugly side to come out that's one of my rule is make them fall in love with you and then show them the crazy but I think which I love but I also think that we're like really undervaluing the crazy and the ugly there. Like, I don't know, I think there's still

something so magic because everyone, the reason that I love you is, I mean, I think you're great, obviously, but I also love you because of all of your flaws.

Like, all of the things that make you you make you part of you and so I don't see them as the ugly parts of you. They're like the kind of bits that make you you. Yeah, but you're

an incredible human and you're so perceptive insightful to be able to see that I think a lot of men and women dating are weak and I think especially now with the dating scene it's like you've got to put your best best face forward and your best outfits forward and then it's like okay because people have the options of choice or maybe they can't be bothered or maybe they're eating too much kale or maybe they're in the gym or they can't whatever it is so I think but then if I was with a guy, if I was with a guy version of you, clearly we've established

we can't be in a romantic relationship because we would scream and burn the house down. A guy who could see that and that fell in love with the ugly side of me at the same time as the best side of me,

hold on to that guy, right? But she's obviously started this relationship, best face for, sorry, what was that? Cool girl. Yeah, she's obviously started this relationship best face for sorry was that cool girl yeah she's done the cool girl thing right he's now falling for it but like if you really like him and he is it you will you're gonna have to start peeling that onion layer by layer my advice is don't go full crazy at one time so like today you're sad sad emotion another time anger emotion and also you know when they say uh actresses need to pretty cry I would really like there's a gradient of

anger that you need to show him like first one is like you're angry at your boss and then you were and then you see how he takes that then you do like I'm angry at my mom no let's not save moms because moms are really like they're like tier ones aren't they you like you see how he responds and that's the other thing how is he responding to your emotions is he is he supporting you is he being kind is he being sympathetic also a bit like you and so I love this about you I need to be told when I'm wrong he also needs to challenge you and he also needs to say, I know you're angry and, well, I mean,

obviously couch it carefully, but like, to tell her that, to tell her that she's in the wrong. So you need to really, it's a test on him. It's much more of a test of him and his character

than it is of you. But if you like this guy, you need to be honest with him because honesty is the best policy. And I think, I think you're totally right. It's that slow burn. Like when you meet someone, you're totally right. It's that slow burn. Like when you meet someone,

you're so right. You're not giving them 100% you. You're giving them this front and that's fine. And relationships are long if you want them to be. And in long periods, you can slowly reveal

more and more parts of yourself. And I think in an exchange of emotions, right? So you turn around to your partner and you're like, I'm sad. I'm opening up. I'm trying to give you something. If he also opens up and gives you something back, that is when that amazing connection can happen. When you're like, wow, you gave me something and I gave you more.

And then our relationship gets deeper and deeper and deeper because I'm like tapped into how you think. And I think that is just a wonderful thing. And most people in relationships want that. Yes, we want the physical connection. It sounds like you've got a really great incredible thing but that mental connection with somebody who catches you right before you feel it who knows exactly what you're going to say and feel and has prepped to give you advice when you need it just listen when you need it also he's getting to know you you're getting to know him and like that's how you build those really deep connections and i can't believe i'm using this fucking lame word connections but

there's no other word is there any other word connections no no and it's trust and that's the beauty of relationships and getting to know each other and it's like him being vulnerable with you but my advice is I don't know if this is a brown girl

don't go fucking crazy don't go crazy don't go zero to 90 that doesn't fare well for anyone it's not a good look but then that's also the advice when you meet somebody

for the first time don't give them something super fake yes because then the transition to crazy is going to be really weird it crazy is gonna be really weird give them like as close to possible as you can get to you which we know on the edge of it which we know nobody really does like we like come on we all know your first impression you're faking it a little bit yes but don't go so far away from who you really are otherwise then that that u-turn's really yeah yeah that

u-turn's way too big then you're doing a 550 point turn you're like sorry who the fuck were you I hope that helped you listener and god it's been a really can I just say it's been so therapeutic today I actually feel

a million times better oh good I really do yeah yeah I always feel better after one of these I hope that when people listen

that they also get the same feeling that you and I get out of doing one yeah because we do we do it we like we like bring a lot of baggage to these episodes but then we leave and we're like I feel better now and I hope that people when they listen to the podcast whatever they're doing that

like when they finish they're like I forget about myself I'm really good about the anger I felt the other day and I'm all right with it but no we um no I I do so thank you thank you thank you for listening and thank you for letting us keep doing this. If you would like for us to keep doing this, you need to email us. And you can email us at briangoldstodood2 at bbc.co.uk. Please share your stories, your energies. And they can also WhatsApp or voice note us to 0796. Oh, yeah.

Should we do the song? Yeah. You can WhatsApp or voice note us to 0796... Oh, yeah. Should we do the song? Yeah. You can WhatsApp a voice note to 0796810822. Save us in your phone books as... Save phone book? Oh my God, phone book is so old school.

Oh, sorry, contact. Save us in your contacts. Save us in your phone books. What is this, 1999? On the angry bitches. And on that note, bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.