Brown Girls Do It Too - Freak In The Spreadsheets

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

Money: it's a topic most people struggle to talk about openly.Zing Tsjeng joins Poppy & Rubina to talk all things finance. And they answer pressing questions such as: What is loud budgeting? Who has the most 'no spend' days: Poppy or Rubina? How much do we spend to get ready for sex? Who should pay on a first date? And how do you split finances in a relationship?Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail] you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

In the words of Cardi B, I'd rather have money and be broken hearted than be broke and broken hearted. But before we quote any more Cardi B, we should warn you, Poppy and I, we come with a wet and important warning. To quote Biggie, more money, more problems. I'm not sure if Biggie was right, but what we are very sure of is that this podcast contains swearing and themes of a very adult nature. This is a podcast about sex. Wow. Elisa started off...

I'm giving it more energy. I wasn't expecting that. I liked it. We need energy. It's the post-lunch slump. It's really shocking. You made me jump. Yeah, well, there you go.

Let me start again. This is a podcast about sex. At least it started off like that. Now we talk about everything. Everything is sex. And sex is everything. And that includes our mistakes, our heartbreaks. And our hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot takes.

I'm Poppy, and the most I've paid for sex is £250, which includes the wax, the lingerie, the drinks, and the Uber ride home. I'm Rubina, and the most I've paid for sex was £3.50, and that was when I had to buy the condoms. Why is it always the woman that has to buy the condoms? So unfair, isn't it? Well, I feel like it's an equal partnership.

You know, so like... You buy it one time, he buys it another time. Yeah, it's like buying rounds. Yeah, but so like you buy it one time he buys it another time yeah it's like buying rounds yeah but then I bought condoms last time yeah but if you're with someone and it's a one night stand it's not equal is it

you're not going to see them again so how does that work but you might have sex with them two or three times but then you're out of pocket then because if it's odd numbers I'm being ridiculous four times

only have sex four times only have sex four times and then you're like so we're really excited to do this episode because it's about something that Asian people really love

which is money we love money don't we I have this joke we like money and we like people who have money oh yeah we love success

we love his son he's an accountant and a porn star do you know what I found really sweet really recently I was chatting to my dad and he was talking

about somebody and he was like you know he's a fully qualified accountant and I was like and I just realised he was talking about somebody and he was like, you know, he's a fully qualified accountant. And I was like, I just realized my whole life I've also been saying that like they're a fully qualified doctor. Like you could operate anywhere half qualified. Well, in the back streets of Bangladesh.

Yeah, maybe it's true. Anyway, we're really excited. And today on today's episode, we actually managed to land a really big guest. Who do we get? Martin Lewis from Money Supermarket. Shut up. He's not coming on this podcast. Oh, wait, no. They've just told us that actually

he's not coming on this podcast. Oh, what? He sent us an email though. Hey, there we go. Many thanks for your email. As I'm sure you'll understand, Martin's schedule at the moment means he's unable to accept such invitations.

Wishing you every success with your podcast. I wish you every success with your website. I heard it's good. Martin Lewis, I am very sad and disappointed that you can't. He'll be on. You can't join us. He'll want to join this party.

Yeah, well, series six, we'll see. So money, shmoney is quite a big deal. Asians love, we love money. I have this. Cash money. Cash money, you have to pay tax on it. Joking. Do you like, do you get cards from family members with cash in it?

No. We just do this all the time in my family. Like if it's anyone's birthday, there's like cash in a card, cash in an envelope, 50 pound notes. You guys are well advanced. We're still doing money in envelopes, but I don't speak to any of my family, extended family. So I've really lost out on that. But I've got this joke that I think I've stolen from someone, which is if you were a porn star or a sex worker, your Asian parents would disown you. But if you were a porn star or a sex worker your asian parents would disown you but if you were a porn star or a sex worker and you were a millionaire your parents would be really proud of you yeah because they'd be living in that second house you bought them yeah and they just

love money money speaks volumes we just love it other than a house what's the most expensive thing you've ever bought spontaneously i when i got my first big job that I knew was quite secure for a year because I was freelance for ages and there was one gig that I knew was going to be a year long, I took my mum to New York for the weekend. Oh, wow.

And that's the kind of ridiculous, lavish thing that you do because going to New York, well, it's very far away, but also going for a weekend, you're just being really punk because you're like, we can just go for a weekend.

And she just said she always wanted to go to New York so I took her to New York. Right. And I clearly know how much money you spent on sex. £2.50. £3.50, yeah. When I first started dating after my ex-partner,

I would spend a lot of money on dating because I'd do the pre-wax, the grooming, the lingerie. Now I don't give a fuck. And I've told you this before. I never want to be out of pocket. So I either do two drinks, four drinks, six drinks. Done. Yeah, even.

If I'm having two drinks, it means you're a catfish and I'm not interested or I'm not interested generally four drinks six drinks you're in luck we're gonna have sex and the extra two I just do it for shits and gigs because it's just nice to be a little bit tips isn't yeah yeah yeah what's the most expensive thing that you've ever got anyone on a on as a present yeah or just like anyone I used to get my ex-partner loads of shit all the time, but they were like expensive, but not very thoughtful. Okay. Like what?

I got him a rowing machine, which was quite expensive. You bought your ex-partner a rowing machine? How much was that? I think it was about 150 or 200 pounds. Okay, yeah. Which was expensive for me at the time. I'm not actually, God, maybe I'm not as baller as I think I mean I I've never spent um some someone spent three and a half thousand pounds or two and a half thousand pounds on a necklace for me wow which I had to return because it was

unbelievable considering I'd gone out with them for like eight months yeah yeah yeah yeah um but and that kind of stuff makes you uncomfortable, doesn't it? Absolutely. But I mean, like, I feel really uncomfortable about money anyway. Like, you know, when you go out for dinner and you're like, I'll pay. No, no, me. No, no, me. It's going to be me. And then you like fight over who pays for the check.

Oh, do you do it on dates or relationships? No, just like if you're taking like a family thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, as the eldest, I don't do that now because all of my siblings work. But there used to be a time we would go out for dinner and it would kind of be expected that me and my other sister would pay. But my sisters, my siblings, they're quite generous. But definitely in those early years, it was expected that the elder sibling would pay. And if you didn't pay, you were a bit of a cheapskate. And what's wrong with you?

And you're not really taking the values of being the elder sibling seriously. There is a kind of like annoying woman tax, isn't there? like you have to do all of this stuff that costs so much money like sometimes it annoys me when i think about the fact that i have a joint bank account with my partner and god partner finances are so interesting yeah and we just share everything because that's kind of what we both wanted and agreed but i also do you think like i've got to spend so much money like i we put our money into a pot and then i take out a percentage of my salary for, like, spending, personal stuff. And I'm like,

that percentage dwindles so quickly because I have to do all this other woman shit. That he doesn't get to do. Yeah. Hang on a second. I want to backtrack. Surely you have a joint account

where your mortgage, council tax, utility bills and everything goes out because that split down the middle, half and half. Also, if you're having dinner, you can use that account.

And then you use your money on you judging you from your personal account no what we've done is all of our salaries go into one right

and then we take out a percentage of our salaries for fun because it means like well as an equal percentage but then surely that's not fair no I take out like 15% of the salary that I make

to go for dinner hang out with friends but it's coming out the same account what if you end up going for more dinners and more drinks out than he does and it's coming out the same account. What if you end up going for more dinners and more drinks out than he does and it's coming out the same bank account?

No, no, we take a percentage of our salary out. Do you get it? So our salaries are going into one pot. All the direct debits are in this pot. But from our salaries, we then take out a percentage to play with each month. And it's the same percentage? Yeah, 15% of what I earn and 15% of what he earns. But what if that month

there were more social occasions and you have to do more things and you have to take out more money? You got a budget, baby. You got a budget. I budget, I budget. I do like four different months. How Asian are you?

Yeah, I do a budget. Good God. Do you like an Excel spreadsheet? No, I don't. I don't like numbers. So you're not, so you're actually not Asian at all? I hate maths

and actually money makes me feel really uncomfortable and I was never good at talking about it. But money also makes me feel uncomfortable and I was never good at talking about it. But money also makes me feel uncomfortable as well. We don't talk about it

and especially in our industry where it's all freelance, you sort of need to know what other people, what rates are on. But I think British people, British society

more than Americans, we find talking about money really uncomfortable and weird and it's not the right etiquette and it's not dinner party conversation when actually we fucking should be talking about money yeah exactly like i always think it's weird

that i never ask my colleagues how much they earn yeah well you know when we first got asked to do brown girls do it too yeah this is a good little thing the first we got we got asked i remember this i emailed you and i asked you how much are they paying you because i think we should have parity on this yeah i remember this I remember this and then you emailed me straight back and was like completely agree and I'm so glad I did that because I was like

we're about to go into this thing together and that's sometimes what happens you just don't know how much you get paid and you kind of want to know when your colleagues

that are doing the same job as you are getting paid more yeah that's when me and Rory I called you manager spice manager spice because we were like she would manage us and it was so right to do that

but then you get all of this pay inequality well you get the gender pay gap pay inequality generally in society that's so entrenched but like you know when you look at movies top billings for movies

actors get paid more than this actress this person gets paid more it's just so unfair but then what do you do when someone comes in with more experience anyway we digress

but I think it's not it's not that because I think you can respect somebody with more experience and understand they're getting paid more than you but you But I think it's not that because I think you can respect somebody with more experience and understand they're getting paid more than you. But you need to know. It's a transparency.

Absolutely, yeah. And I think transparency is the key word. You just need to be more honest and open. When you were dating, how, like, would you... Because dating is,

it's like, it's a little hemorrhage in your bank account. Like, it does hemorrhage your bank account, doesn't it? Because it all adds up. Two dates a week, spending £60 a pop each day.

Yeah, I mean, I'd go to the pub and have like a pint. Maybe I went to quite a lot of gigs with guys. Okay, all right. So a gig is like £10, £15. £10, £15 a ticket.

Okay, and then, so let's say £15. Bus journeys. Okay, a fiver, back there and back. Yeah, and then like three or four pints. So you're like £10,

£20 maybe. £40, £50. £40, £50 a day, yeah. And I'm cheap. That's quite like a cheap day. You know those gals who are like, I 20 quid maybe? 40, 50. 40, 50 quid a day, yeah. And I'm cheap. That's quite like a cheap day. You know those girls who are like, he's going to take me to this restaurant and he's going to pay.

How do you feel about that? I fucking hate it. Me too. Oh my God. I have been serially dating the last few months, right? And this 22 year old, 22, I went on a date with, went to a nice place near mine.

It's quite like spenny, shishy bar. He paid, I went to the loo to do a wee and came back and he paid for it. I'm like, what the fuck did you do that for? Like, you know, you're not impressing me by doing that. Like, thank you very much. Every day I go on, they, they insist on paying for the first date. I'm like, unless you take me to a really fucking bougie bar that is beyond my means, that you insist on taking me to and you can afford it, then I don't mind you paying. But otherwise, you know what? It fucking annoys me. I love women so much.

But it's the women who tell me that, like, I'm traditional and I think on a first date. I can't. I just can't. I can't understand it. I'm like, how can you want that? How can you want to be like paid for by someone you don't even know? Yeah.

I would just feel, and maybe this is an Asian mentality, like I'm going to owe this guy something. Yeah, I feel like I'm in your pocket. Yeah. People, it's like Marmite. People are still so divisive. Like immigration.

People are still, still talking. It's mental to me that in 2024 that this is even a point of discussion and that it divides my most intelligent intellectual clever smart friends

female friends are like yeah I expect him to pay on the first day but you know what I find it like it's it's a problem

because it's inherently hypocritical yes because what you're saying to them is like I need to be taken care of and you need to pay for me. But you're not saying, I get that you're human and you're going to need to be taken care of sometimes.

Like what I really like about me and my partner's relationship is like we spend the percentage of our salaries and we're like, we're respectful that we earn different amounts. But like it's our pot, it's our money, we'll share it. But like you earn more than me, so you'll take a bit more out. But that's just like simple maths, right? If you earn a bit more more it's all proportionate but I have had conversations with not not with my girl mates not with my girlfriends because we're kind of I mean they

don't mind as much I'm just like very anti it but then the guy ends up paying and I'm like why did you do that it's with my ex-partner first date it was like equal 50 50 but then I speak to my boy mates I'm like they pay for the they're like what they do is they pay for the first date and then the second or third subsequent dates it's maybe half and half or they get drinks or something but I'm like if I was a boy dating I would never date because I'd be out of pocket and I'm Asian and I'm cheap so I'm just like actually it's really hard for men dating in that sense because they're like you know we're complaining about how much money we're saving and spending for these dates and they're like I've got to cover you

so that's going to be rubbish well this is so another friend of mine said because we spend so much pre-grooming and preening on the date then they owe us then they owe us

so this is like the finance back to the woman tax maybe I'm changing my mind about this that's actually not crazy yeah well and then when they said that I was like fuck okay

well they turn up at the date and I'm like can you just give me 50 quid for that one exactly I'd rather have that just give me the 50 quid I I'm like can you just give me 50 quid for that exactly I'd rather have that just give me the 50 quid I'd rather have

can you just pay for that fucking Hollywood I had to endure thank you very much but it's so true joining us for this week's episode is

author journalist documentary host and host of the BBC Sounds podcast Good Bad Billionaire in which she and her co-host, co-host, co-host, co-host, which she and her co-host judge the world's richest people. Doesn't that sound fun? So she knows a thing or two about money.

It's Sing Sing. Hi. Welcome to Come, Girls, Do It Too. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, my God. I love you so much. This is very exciting. It's very cool.

I love you guys. I feel like this is my God. I love you so much. This is very exciting for me. It's very cool. I love you guys. I feel like this is like an Asian kind of triangle of power. I know, right? The triad. Yeah, the triad. The triad, right? So Zing, are you rich? No.

Oh, that's a shame. I'm really sorry. You should be rich. I have to say, after doing the podcast, I kind of got a new relationship with money. I was like, wow wow People have underground basketball courts People have golf courses that they built around themselves Michael Jordan has a golf course Where he has drones deliver beer to him

While he's playing golf Isn't that absolute baller? Can I say that is a pinnacle of ballerness? Because he's a basketballer Oh my god What is the underpinning The common characteristics of billionaires You've been doing this podcast They must have common traits, personality traits What is the underpinning, like the common characteristics of billionaires? Like you've been doing this podcast.

They must have common traits, personality traits. What is it? OK, so the first thing is they don't know when to stop. So me and my co-host Simon, who's the BBC's business correspondent, we have this ongoing thing where we go, OK, this is where I would stop. You know, someone offers you like 500 million to sell your company. And at this point, I would tap out. We would both tap out. As in you take the money and be you take the money I take the money I'd be like bye yeah I'm gonna buy an island

somewhere goodbye um but they just refuse the money and they just keep going as in they want more money they want more money but they also don't want to give up the control and power oh so that is the underlying person it's a it's a it's a power and an ego thing right it sounds a bit like you could be a billionaire I know well I'm like a billionaire with no millions you just need an idea though

yeah but you need the money to back up the idea because I was saying this to my sister the other day who's reinventing herself in Dubai

and I was saying to her look at Steve Jobs he's the creator of one of the most iconic brands in the world how many fucking apples did he have to fuck up

before he got to the apple right but then you need you need money to fuck up before he got to the apple, right? But then you need money to make expensive music. That's what she said to me. My sister Nadia was like, but he had money. It's easier to make mistakes

and fuck up when you've got money. It's true though. Yeah, exactly. A lot of our billionaires come from quite middle class, upper class backgrounds. So I think one of the only billionaires who comes from truly rags to riches

is Oprah. Oh, gotta love Oprah. Yeah, I know't I couldn't say she was a bad billionaire so what is the most do you like MTV everyone here remembers MTV okay yeah yeah it's a safe space for millennials yeah it's like it's like where it's like friends sex and city problematic problemality don't know don't care but it's where we feel really like oh I remember those days cribs welcome to my crib oh I dreamed of that Missy Elliott's car bed no that was Shaquille O'Neal's car bed no no she had a car bed I mean everyone has a car bed oh I wish I had a car bed yeah I think my two-year-old might have a car bed now different vibes I mean there's his crib what is the most obscene because you earlier you said underground basketball court.

And I was like, I've seen that on MTV Cribs. It's like, okay. But what you said about Michael Jordan is actually mental. Yeah, that's good. What have you seen that's like, whoa? Rihanna, who's also a billionaire, she flies out her manicurist. That is really wasteful. Well, yeah.

But you know what? That's not even that's quite standard rich person behavior I remember I was on a shoot one standard rich person behavior we need to put that as an acronym yeah sorry go on yeah I remember there was a shoot I was on once like a fashion shoot I was like there's journalist and the nail artist was like oh yeah I just came back from being flown out to Bahrain by this random rich lady who just really liked my nails and I was like wow there's a whole extension of society of people who think that's cool I have a friend whose job it is currently to go into rich people's homes and organize their cupboards oh

and so she goes to these like million pound mansions in like different big cities in this country and gets like looked after and she's just got to go and organize their cupboards and drawers and like like pitch them a system and be like so what you need to do a bit Marie Kondo okay right does she bring little Ikea boxes and she's like yeah like little kind of shuffly things exactly to like do it would you shank a billionaire though no because okay no because they are so rich they could probably find someone to track you down and hunt to hunt you down taken style for the rest of your days. Why is this billionaire hunting you down?

I would reject a billionaire. She's rejected him. Yeah. Okay. I like how there's this whole kind of scenario now. I'm really confused by this scenario. You shag a billionaire because... Wait, I'm shanking or I'm shagging?

Shanking! Oh my God, you're absolutely shanking a billionaire. This is not Brown Girls Do It Too, colon, violence. We didn't want to be like, oh, you're up to some murderous fun. Yeah. I think because,

why did I, okay, it's because, it's because the last time I was on a podcast with some Asian girls, we were doing a Killing Eve podcast and there was a lot of shagging involved. No shagging.

No shagging. We condone all shagging and violence here at even against billionaires I was like I don't know

why would they track you down what's going on would you shag a billionaire would I shag a billionaire yeah

yeah fuck you would fuck you would I would shag a problematic billionaire for the fucking lols on the content

for the gold plate indeed I would also go into the bathroom and kind of like take stuff you know oh yeah I bet they go into the bathroom and kind of like take stuff you know oh yeah

I bet they've got the guest bathroom with all the bougie toiletries and the towels yeah it's straight going into the back but don't you think

that that billionaire would also make you sign an NDA pre-date and would you sign it okay the NDA doesn't mean you can't talk about it

with your friends exactly so I would sign the NDA I just would never talk publicly about it but there'll be signs I would sign the NDA I just would never talk publicly about it but there'll be signs I'll do I'll do a winking face in all the next good bad billionaire podcast you know I'll just wink extremely heavily if the billionaire in question is the one we're

talking about do you know like who's the richest person that you've had sex with because I when I was living in Singapore for a year and I ended up hooking with this guy who was like double my age I was 22 he was 44 I remember being quite impressed by that at the time and he was like yeah come back to my house and we went into this apartment block like huge building and he had the penthouse wow and I was like what like the lift that opens up into his living room oh and this balcony that went all the way around the building I was like what the I don't know how he made his money

but I don't know if it was a good thing still slept with him though did you send the NDA no I've just told you so he's probably he's probably gonna she's probably gonna shank me

yeah sorry what about you who's the richest person yeah like the wealthiest oh my god I'm trying to think you know

you know what? I bet because I went to Cambridge for university. There were quite a few low-key salt burn types lurking around. Never got to the part where I asked what their parents did for a living. But you know, you can tell. You can smell money. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Money people look money.

They just look. It's not even drip. I actually feel like the richest people actually dress down. Dress terribly. Yeah, they dress terribly. It's called like quiet, stealth wealth, isn't it? Yeah, quiet luxury. Quiet luxury.

That's stealth wealth. It's like why all the guys on Succession just wear, I don't know, sweatshirts and hoodies and things. But they're $500. Yeah, yeah. They're really expensive. Yeah. I went out on a date with a trustafarian who said he was a trustafarian. Straight up?

Straight up. Like how he introduced himself? Yeah, it was like loaded. Like it was literally penthouse, Marlborough, in. Wow. And then another guy, I have to be really careful because all of these dates are quite, like I want to see him again. So I have to be careful.

This is a live issue. So this is live, they're not historical. One of them is historical had an unbelievable three-story house overlooking Regent's Park and didn't go to university so I'm like where did you make that money honey my best friend lived with uh her flatmate who was a sugar baby oh how do you feel about how do you feel about sugar babies because when I to university, there was at that time a website called, I think it was called something like Oxbridge Escorts. And it was basically if you had an Oxbridge email, you could literally sign up and put yourself out there for dates.

Wow. And at the time, all these, you know, like 19, 20 year old girls were like, oh, maybe I'll sign up to it and see what happens. I only knew one girl who did it. And she said the whole experience bummed her out so much. She was having dinner with a guy who was like two and a half times her age. And then as dessert came, he was a bit like, oh, what are you doing after this? And she was like, thanks very much for a lovely dinner. Bye. Oh, yeah. It would just be awkward, wouldn't it?

Yeah. I feel like we were talking just before you came on about how like if you let somebody pay for your meal on a date we're very uncomfortable with that so we're like equals 50-50 but there are lots of women that we know who would be like

I'm quite traditional in that way and I need that person to pay for me where do you stand on that no judgement here I want to split yeah because I feel like

if you let them pay for it you're kind of I don't know like you're kind of giving them a bit of an edge over you. Yeah. Yeah. We said the exact same thing. It's like you're in their back pocket. But then I had this debate with a friend of mine and she's like, think about all the pre grooming that we have to do. They wake up. Think about it. You're a guy. You wake up. You have a shower.

You put a T-shirt on. You rub your balls with some moisturizing cream if you could be bothered, you put some deodorant on, you're out the door. She was explaining, girls, well, not all girls, obviously, but her, certainly me, waxing, money, clothes, makeup, hair, stuff. She's just paying me back for that. I mean, I could see her point but didn't agree. But she's just like, it's just... I can see. I see that kind of discourse on TikTok all the time you know like especially Gen Z girls

who are like he should pay for me and if he doesn't pay for you then he's a bum and you need to raise your standards because you're worth more honey yeah yeah yeah

all of that honey yeah yeah yeah and I'm like I just don't get it I just I don't think my standards were very high I don't think my standards of personal grooming are that high anyway.

Exactly. Same. My standards myself aren't that high. So like, why would I put all those expectations on someone else? I don't know. I mean, if someone took me out to a date to Nando's, I'd be like, great. I love Nando's. Especially if they had the black card.

And that's like free Nando's. That is, that's a bollard move. You want to talk about billionaire moves, having the Nando's black card is bollard. I actually thought this was an urban legend, a myth. No. But it's true. I knew people with, I knew three people with a Nando's black card, yeah.

Dude, you're like in. If you knew three people, can't you get a recommendation? No, I don't think it works that way. And you also, every year it finishes and they have to start the list afresh. So if you don't make it to the next year's list, you're like off the black card list.

How do you get on it? I think two people I know just begged the PR and then the third person I knew was kind of in in the music industry hanging out with a lot of like rappers and stuff.

So he got a black card too. So it's like connect. You need to have connect. For those of you plebs listening thinking what is a black card? Get up to speed. It's actually a card which entitles you

free chicken, free peri peri fries. Really? Free anything. Free everything. You don't pay the bill yeah you just turn up you eat the food you show the black card and you're out and i think actually the one i i ate on their black card a couple of times and it's all for free for your guests as well so you can pay for people too oh my god yeah that's that's the kind of billionaire stuff i stuff I want Yeah But I mean They just live in a different world Don't they

But have you heard Of the concept of loud budgeting As opposed to quiet luxury Okay So I saw this on TikTok But then I refused To engage with it Because I was like

Is this something That's going to pressure me Into being more responsible With my money Because I don't really want to do that I mean I should But you know Wait what's loud budgeting?

I'm doing this thing called loud budgeting. So before, with my friendship group, I'd like, you'd get around in. I'm quite generous, I think generally. But now when I go out with my mates, I'm like, I'm not getting around. You can get your own drinks. I genuinely say out loud that I'm not going to pay for this or you can pay for that. And I now count down to the penny because I used to be out of pocket all the time

because those things they add up when you're out with your mates you get certain things you know and then it's like oh don't worry about it so now I split wise yeah other apps are available but when I'm out in a group on holiday I get up go on split wise I'm now a lot more mindful on dates I'm do even drinks not out of numbers so yes I'm all about large loud budgeting now yeah actually and you know what because I don't drink I don't drink very much at all so every time there's we go out for dinner with a bunch of friends you know they're getting in the booze and I'm maybe getting one non-alcoholic cocktail or something like that and then when the bill comes it's like oh great I'm paying 45 quid for so do you declare it now do you say it now like yeah although now

this is a really useful thing about being a journalist right I wrote enough about being sober that now my friends are like oh take zing out of the bill we'll just divide the rest of it among ourselves and she can just pay for whatever she got so you know if you want to go sober and it's very good to save money yeah it's very good for saving money would you not even just say it out loud and declare it and be like i'm not going to pay for that because i i have no shame in being like i'm not paying for that because i didn't i didn't i need to get to that point depends on the situation yeah that's true some friends you'd be like yeah sure but some like some big groups you might just like go along with it no i don't i don't i don't i refuse really do you not feel like the bigger the group the the more you're like, oh, I don't want to make a big fuss?

No, I don't give a fuck anymore. I used to. Literally, my 20s was that. Crippled by it, in fact. But now I'm like, if I've eaten, obviously, if I've had something similar, I'm not going to be like, right, okay, let's look at the receipt. I've had that and I'm not going to do that. I'd be like Eve and Stevens. But genuinely, if I'm like, if I've had a salad and I'm on some stupid, ridiculous diet, which I seem to be on every time,

I'm like, no, I'm not going to pay for that. And I just own it. And I'm like, it's very matter of fact, deadpan, that's it. Actually, you know the one thing that works out for me in terms of splitting the bill on dinners is I eat a lot.

So what I've realised, if I get the appetiser, the dessert and a maid and all my freshers get a maid, that evens it out. That evens it out. And actually, sometimes I'm winning i'm winning yeah yeah yeah you get how much do you think you spent today okay so i got an iced coffee and then i think that was it i've been working from home the whole day oh that's pretty good yeah fine that's it just an iced coffee yeah just an iced

coffee how much do you think you spent today £7.50 on that jacket potato that's it yep okay i spent so much money today. My return train ticket in, because I live in Margate, it was £50 return. Ooh. So that's a start. That's expensive in Margate now. That's expensive. Yeah, I wanted to get the right peak train.

It's a mess today. The trains will get better, but yeah, £50. And then I walked in and I went and got a smoothie, which was £4.50. And I got some hash browns, which was another £3. And then I got a jacket potato and some peanut M&M's. So is that £50? No, I'm saying it's close to like £85 today. And then you spent £7.

And it's £24 in the afternoon. And then you spent some money on that jacket potato that you had with me. Yeah, I added that in. Oh, wow. But I'm also going to get a snack on the way home. That's mental, isn't it? It was so easy to spend money. That's the thing.

Garnier, what did you call it when you don't spend money a day? No spend day. Okay. No spend day. So I, what happened? That really great time that we've gone. No spend day. So I was with my ex-partner.

We broke up amicably after 10 years. And then the year after, I blew blew and I cannot believe I'm saying this oh I'm so annoyed at myself I blew about 14,000 pounds on dates going out getting fucked fucking I went mad which 14,000 pounds 14,000 pounds okay okay like that seems like quite no but like of my savings Oh okay On like a social Yeah some of it was like Living and breathing And rent and shit

But like I spent so much money I wasn't working that much That year either On just having a good time Right Which I look back And I totally regret

Like I could have I could have spent like Five grand Six grand But to spend that much money. So now I've gone so far the other way. Right, okay. Where I am declaring that I've had a fucking salad.

No spend day. And I can manage a non, what's it called? No spend day. I can manage a no spend day, but you do get quite addicted to it. But then you become a fucking hermit like you know

the Wolf of Wall Street versus Leonardo DiCaprio and you know that film Aviator where you're like pissing bottles I mean I haven't got that far but like

you're like I'm not going to go out today I spent four days and I spent nothing I'm not going to go out today and then it becomes this like horrible OCD situation Do you find it builds up though

and then you spend one thing and then you go crazy Yeah you go crazy Yeah Because I get that with shopping like I am a shopaholic. Yeah. I will be like, I'm so good.

I'm not going to spend any money on clothes today. And then the week before payday, I'll look at my bank account and be like, oh, I've got lots of money left. Maybe I'll just buy this one thing. And then the floodgates are unleashed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you purge. Oh, that's exactly what I do. Basically, once I've cracked myself open, I'm fucked.

When I go on these location jobs where I'm a director, I save a shit ton of money. You get per diems. You're fucking eating Nando's, not on a black card. It's all on their money. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, I've saved so much money this month. I'm going to spend this much money on clothes. I've got an Excel spreadsheet here with all my outgoings. How much do you guys think I spend a month on clothes?

On clothes? I have a clothes... Mate, your clothes budget monthly? Four grand. My God, that's crazy. That's insane. That's too much money. I'm a director of documentaries.

You didn't specify. Sorry, sorry. I'm a drama guy. How much money do you spend on clothes a month? £200. Okay, and Zing? She said £4,000. She's out of the game.

£236.66p on average I spent a month I went one year Without buying any new clothes One whole year That's my thing That's amazing I went to charity shops I went everywhere

And I still try to buy nothing new If I can try Vintage, vintage, vintage Everything Charity shop, charity shop How much money do you guys think I spend on booze a month? Oh £700

£500 charity shop charity shop how much money do you guys think I spend on booze a month oh 700 pounds 500 192 pound 40 oh that's modest because all you do is drink Prosecco so I don't know how that's working out

for you yeah cocktails are also expensive so you change your drink of choice yeah yeah yeah save money did your parents

talk to you about money in a way that has kind of helped you navigate finances in any way absolutely not I don't think my parents ever talked to me about money in a way that's kind of helped you navigate finances in any way? Absolutely not. I don't think my parents ever talked to me about money. I don't know if it's like an Asian thing, but like my dad is very of the mentality where it's like he earns the money and he doesn't need to talk to me about anything else. And my mum was very much like, oh, as long as you're spending money on books, that's fine.

So that was sweet. So that's how I became a bookworm, became a writer. But, you know, all in all, not very good for the financial stability or financial IQ. I remember the first year I went freelance. This was after I graduated from journalism school. I didn't know you had to declare tax. Oh my God, me too. I spent all my money as well.

I literally spent all my money too. I think I read the HMRC website and then I was like, oh, I don't earn enough to pay tax. That's fine. And then got a fine from HMRC. You know, they can fine you. So I had to pay, find the money somehow and pay them on top of the tax bill that I already had to give them. So that was, that was the worst year of my life. They don't teach you finances and shit like that in school. In relationships, would you be interested in being with somebody who has a similar wage to you?

Does that matter like how much they earn? Yeah. Oh, you know what? I don't really care. Like I'm with someone who earns less than me

and that could change in the next few like years or months. I'm actually quite, I think as long as we can cover the basics and our dog gets to, gets all the bones

that she deserves, I'm kind of fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah and also the thing is having been through the whole kind of salt burn experience of going to Cambridge I actually am not very impressed by people who can flash the cash like show me your family's country manner I'm a bit like well whatever who cares like if I wanted to see it yeah if I if I wanted to go to a country house, I could just go visit my old university. Who cares? Yeah. Longleat Safari Park, £16.50 a day.

Do you know what I mean? Exactly. Just walk around like central London on a Sunday afternoon. You'll feel rich. Yeah. It's like they have their secret language of like rich people. They like the stuff that they all like to do. I remember when I got to Edinburgh.

This is a true story. A group of people, fresh as we met them. They were like, where do you ski? And I went, Wales. Because I was like, what do people say to that? I it was really really panicking and i was like wales i'm sure people go skiing in wales is there a hill in wales found out quite quickly they were just like oh yeah that is such a rich man's laugh isn't it yeah i think i was from like the ghetto and i'm from like the suburbs of enfield you know what i mean they were just like where are you from?

I was like, whoa. Because it's like the richer you go, the more your bubble feels smaller. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like when I got to uni, I didn't understand why everyone sort of knew each other. And I was like, oh, why do you all know each other? How do you know each other? And everyone's like, oh, North London.

And then I thought North London was like this really rich kind of posh area. Obviously, some bits of North London are, but they were just talking about this radius of like five or six different schools that they all knew each other from. Prime schools. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so weird. Do you guys remember there was a time, it's probably still going now,

where like your couple mates were getting, they were either getting married or getting a mortgage, like the way to show commitment. I remember there was this, it was like an almost trend. I don't see it as much now, but like instead of my friends, instead of being invited to a wedding, there was no wedding

because people were using that money to buy a house. Do you remember that? That's definitely our generation because we're like the poorer, poorest, you know. But it's like, how would you, would you want a big wedding or would you want to get a mortgage? What's your idea of commitment?

I think, I actually think I'm going through that phase now where loads of my friends are getting married instead of getting the mortgage. Okay, so it's got the other way around. I think it's kind of flipped because now people are like, well, it's going to take us, what, 50 years to save for a mortgage. So we might as well just get married now.

That's true. But then, you know, weddings are so expensive now. How are you meant to balance it all out? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At what point in a relationship do you think you should merge finances? If at all, do you think that that should happen? Have you merged finances with your current partner?

No. We have a savings account. Okay. Which we both contribute into, but we haven't merged finances. Oh. Yeah. Would you consider merging? No.

Okay. No, yeah. I don't know. It freaks me out. I feel freaked out by the idea of changing bank accounts for like a high interest loan bank account. I don't know why I would merge it with someone else. I'm fascinated by your situation. So me and my ex-partner, we didn't.

And then we have a joint account that we've merged where everything, all the bills and mortgage and everything would go out. But we would fanny around with our own money. Do you have that sort of set up? We don't have a joint account. We have a joint savings account. We both pay into it. Do you live together? Yeah. So how do you pay for sort of set up? We don't have a joint account. We have a joint savings account. We both pay into it. Do you live together?

Yeah. So how do you pay for rent and stuff? So we have split bills. So I take care of doggy daycare. And he takes care of BT and stuff like that. So it's really interesting. If I was in a relationship with you, I would be like, the BT is way more important than the dog.

But I guess like the dog is both important, is important to both of you. So it's like you put the same amount of value, I guess, is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty much. But I just find like even the idea of you saying, oh, he's moving all our savings into a shared account, into a higher interest bank account. I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm quite freaked out by this idea. Yeah. I mean, money does scare me. Like big amounts of money scare me.

Anything over £10,000, if I see that in any of our bank accounts, I'm like, where's that going? That's not the billionaire mentality. Imagine how many zeros they see. Yeah, they don't give a shit about the zeros. You're so right. Yeah. Brown girls do it too. You've reached the Shaggy Aunties call centre.

Want advice you can't ask your real aunties for? Like, how do you ask for what you want in bed? Not sure which hole is a goal? Where do anal beads really go? Have you been faking orgasms your whole adult life? Accidentally called your boss daddy? Is your long-time love not going down south? For more than just the tip, we're here for you. Yes, you. And you. And you. As always, we are your shiny aunties. And equipped with more great advice, we hope. So we've got a dilemma that's come in.

My wife and I have been together for over 10 years and she's my first sexual partner. Intercourse to be specific. We love each other and love having sex. However, I have been experiencing some issues downstairs. Mainly not getting hard sometimes or not lasting long enough. I've been to the doctor but don't want to pop Viagra an hour before we might do something because sex for us is sometimes spontaneous. What does get me hard is oral sex. I absolutely love going down on her and she loves it too. Recently, she said she likes a bit of tongue-rimming, which I find extremely sexy. I love when she goes down on me too, but she doesn't

do it too much, whereas I would go down on her each time we have sex if I could. How do I approach the conversation and ask for head without seeming like a chauvinistic pig many thanks keep up the great work and on and on that's that's actually a really nice I like the way he's worded that yeah I mean all power to you this is really exciting because I think I really enjoy giving head and I enjoy receiving head and i think that like equal reciprocity of that's really nice but you should find out why she doesn't like giving you head or why she like likes it less because you know maybe there's an issue you know yeah i didn't want to say it but you know it's called um smegma smegma look sometimes you pull back

the skin and you're ready it's smegma it's smegma sometimes you pull back the skin this is true like let's just not

be ashamed of it you pull back the skin you know if you're with a circumcised gentleman and there's some stuff there and you're like non-circumcised uncircumcised

uncircumcised sorry uncircumcised yeah you don't want to get those wrong you don't want to pull back and there'll be nothing there because that could hurt but you pull back and there's be nothing there because that could hurt.

But you pull back and there's just bits there and you've just got to be like, yeah, like, I think you should just go for a shower. See, it's funny, isn't it? Because I don't like giving blowjobs, but because now I'm dating and I'm dating younger men,

I feel like I'm doing a public service. I have to put my back into it because I'm an older woman. So I want them to leave being like, older woman can fuck good, right? So I have to now work you're representing for your generation

yes thank you and now I can deep throat which I'm so proud of myself I can literally deep throat and they are so impressed I'm like oh my god

I'm so Asian give me a gold star so I don't like it but recently I've been going on dates with guys who don't go down and I only come

from penetrative sex but it's just basic etiquette I think it's I think it's a basic like reciprocity which Lauren Hill taught us that word I only knew what

reciprocity meant actually that is so true yeah and I was like what does reciprocity mean I had to google that anyway I didn't google it

I had to go to my Oxford dictionary because google didn't exist then so and there's this one guy where I'm like he doesn't go down but I fancy him guy where I'm like he doesn't go down but I fancy him

and I like him oh he doesn't go down no but you go down on him yeah well I have to innit because I'm repping all the 38 year old women

out there and it's like so I was like look but he kind of knows that I don't enjoy no no no

sorry he knows that I'm not bothered by it but it's just basic common decency. Respect. It's just respect. So I'm just putting myself in this guy's shoes. Like, I'm quite direct, though.

So I don't know if he should be this direct or maybe he should just be like, look, I love it when you go down on me. I mean, what do you think he should be doing? I think he should just be incredibly effusive and enthusiastic about her abilities in that department. You know, like, just be like, you're so good at it. Like, you are amazing. I would love it. Like a positive. Yeah, like positive reinforcement.

Yeah, exactly. Or just 69. Oh, yeah. You have to put your back into it equally if you're in a 69. I feel you both have gone from zero to fucking 69 in 10 seconds I think like let's crawl before we can walk

okay true I think 69 is up there let's just really yeah wait wait if someone's going down on you

you can kind of just start shimmying over to that way no no no it's a whole position it's a whole dance she's not even going she's not even going down on him like normally

you're then like expecting to shuffle up and do the whole it's like i guess you just start from the basics right just make sure is there smegma you know and then yeah yeah yes graduate onto the 69 yes start from the basics start in the shower yes sex in the shower or a starting point for a shower is really really hot like you know i didn't get to do it as much because i have a child but we used to just like start in the shower start everything in the shower and then it's really really hot like you know I didn't get to do it as much because I have a child but we used to just like start in the shower start everything in the shower and then it's like

you're so clean that you're like oh yeah what about like obviously no but what if you're what if it's cold in the bathroom and then one of you is in the cold

and one of you is under the hot shower she's so right Zing you're so right mate what if the cubicle is too tiny because it's a London flat and then you're in the bathtub and you can't both be at the front

one of you's not going to get the water so you're shivering the other one's like washing his teeth and then there's a London flat and then you're in the bathtub and you can't both be at the front one of you's not going to get the water so you're shivering the other one's like washing his teeth and then there's a draft coming from the window so look I would just be so with this guy

I was like I was just direct I was like you need to go down on me but you didn't like it but like well I go down on you and I find I mirror

how people fuck me I fuck them the same way so if you're good I become good and if you're lazy and shit I become lazy and shit but I think is it a dinner party is dinner is it a dinner conversation like or maybe they're watching something a bit kinky and someone's giving a blowjob and then he's like oh do you like do you know what I mean like how could it naturally come up where they just without the shower thing and the 69 thing he just says could he just ask her maybe do you like it

I love going down with you maybe they could be talking about wind instruments right they're just having a conversation about wind instruments classic Rubina by the way maybe they're like listening to some

listening to Andre 3000's new flute and wind album everything for Rubina somehow also ends in arson burn it down burn the house just burn the dick burn your dick off

it'll be much better burn your dick off then it's not a problem okay no I genuinely listen now I think he should just be honest

about not being able to get hard as well because I think you know there are times when I've had sex with my partner and multiple partners where I'm like

they have problems with getting hard and it's a really difficult thing to talk about. Maybe you've drunk too much. Whatever. Maybe you do need Viagra. There's a bunch of different

ways to get hard. Just be honest because she wants to fuck you. So you're in a good place. You're starting strong. She wants you to be hard. Still in a good place. She's on your side.

If I know, I didn't like giving blowjobs and I didn't give that many blowjobs to my ex-partner but I was very upfront about like, you're going to cash in four. You get four a year.

Not four a year. That was not that much, but maybe he did get four a year. But he knew it was like a special occasion. I just did not enjoy them as much. I locked her up. But I reckon she doesn't like it. That's why she's not doing it. Because us as women, when you don't like something, you don't do it.

But I think when you're with somebody, you kind of do some stuff that you're not that bothered about. No, of course. Of course. I agree with you. So I think she doesn't like it so he needs to ask her establish whether or not

she likes it Yeah that's true or is it a cleanliness thing What is the issue establish A is she just forgetting or if she doesn't like it if she doesn't like it

why what could I do better Is she lazy or maybe you know she's stressed about the idea of like does she swallow like you know

some women do get stressed by the idea of like is it going to? Like, you know, some women do get stressed by the idea. I do. Is it going to come in my mouth or, you know? I do. I used to keep a mug of water. Like a jizz mug. A jizz mug. You need to get a water mug.

How can you swallow it? I swallow and boys are so impressed by that. I'm like, it's not radioactive. I mean, I don't know. You swallow it. Sometimes I get sad and don't let them come in my mouth and just kind of direct it elsewhere. Like over the shoulder.

You know, like when you're trying, when you're a child and you're like, you want to pretend you're doing shots and you just like throw it over your shoulder. Yeah. Oh, anyway. Well, I hope that's been good advice for you, good sir. Good luck with your hard, hard penis.

Hope it gets harder. That's all for now. Thanks for listening. And if you have any thoughts, questions, dilemmas for Rubina and I, your lovely shaggy aunties, please email us

at browngirlsdoittoo at bbc.co.uk. Or you can send us a WhatsApp or voice note to 07968100822. Thank you so much for coming on. You were such a great guest. And let's hope you find your billionaire slash never or become one. I'd rather you so much for coming on. You're such a great guest. And let's hope you find your billionaire slash never or become one.

I'd rather you became one than found one. I would rather. You know, it's like that Cher thing. Mom, I am a rich man. Yes. Mic drop.