Brown Girls Do It Too - Girlz II Women with Charithra Chandran

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

What makes a girl a woman? When does it happen? Poppy and Rubina are joined by actress Charithra Chandran to discuss girlhood, aging, maternal influences and finding "the one". Most people know Charithra for playing the elegant Edwina Sharma in Netflix’s Bridgerton. She is now set to make her West End debut in one-woman play Instructions For A Teenage Armageddon - a show about a misfit 17 year-old girl grappling with grief and everyday adolescent challenges. Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail] If you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. season. Indeed it has. But before we continue, we must warn you about what lies ahead. Be forewarned, this journey will contain very strong language and content of an adult nature. However, we will try to keep to the means and manners of society. Make haste, we have an episode to begin and royalty This is a podcast about sex. At least it started off like that. Now we talk about everything. Everything is sex. And sex is everything. And that includes our mistakes, our heartbreaks,

and our hot, hot, hot takes. I'm Poppy, and I feel like a woman when I wear a sari. I'm Rubina and I feel like a woman when I look at my paycheck and my career and think, whoa, the world has fucked us. Why do you think the world's fucked you because of your paycheck and your career? Oh, because you get taxed. Three words. Gender pay gap.

Oh, shit. Fuck. Of course. Sorry. That's when I feel like a woman. Sorry. Oh, I see. your career oh because you get taxed so much three words gender pay gap oh shit fuck of course sorry that's when I feel like a woman when I'm like oh I see

I'm not getting paid as much as you oh I see sorry I was like I thought you were like they're taxing me too much or something the Asian in you

was like I don't want to get taxed that much oh yeah fair fucking hell terrible that same time that I really

feel like a woman is when I notice inequality and I'm like oh that's because I'm a woman oh I feel I feel inequality every time I'm I want a waxing salon because I'm like men do not have to do this I feel like it's strange when you're supposed to be like some

sort of empowered woman because the times I'm reminded I am a woman it's often because I'm realizing the lack of my power I don't want to get neggy right now but I'm constantly reminded that I'm a woman every single time in society from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. And it's not just the gender pay gap. It's being able to come home at night, listening to music and not have to worry about what time it is. It's what male colleague got what job opportunity over me. It's people talking trash and shit behind my back. It's everything.

It's all. And one of the reasons why I didn't want children is because I didn't want my career to get fucked. One of the many reasons. It's constant. Yeah.

Every day, all the time. Do you... Rubina. Rubina. Do you think it was easier for you in your childhood like Rubina kid or Rubina woman?

What was easier? Look, Rubina girl had her own set of problems to deal with. Rubina woman has a different set of problems. I honestly don't think things got easier they were just different

in conclusion women just fucking always have problems like I said I mean maybe like the weight of responsibility is bigger on me now because I have people

depending on me but yeah I think like as a little girl I also had my own issues I'm not sure I think women have quite a tough time

we do have a tough time there's no thinking involved we absolutely have a tough time. We do have a tough time. There's no thinking involved. We absolutely have a tough time. I loved being a kid. I suppose I stopped being a child when I was 10. It's when I was suddenly told I couldn't play outside anymore. It's when my family and my extended family started seeing me as a woman, not as a child. I didn't get my period till I was 16. So I actually loved being a kid up until the age of 10. And then you're right. 10 to fucking 19 brings a set of problems. And then 19 to now brings another set of problems. But 10 to 19, you think you're 25, 35. Yeah, you're like,

you're like 19 going on fucking 92. And then you like actually hit you're like 20, 25. And you're like, actually, now I'm just gonna behave like I like I'm 15, but have a driving license and can drink. I feel like I'm more of a kid now than I was when I was 27. I mean, no, that's a lie. When I was like, probably 22. For sure. When you talk about yourself in that third person way that you sometimes do, do you think of yourself as Poppy the girl or Poppy the woman? Girl. Poppy the girl. Always the girl. I never refer to myself As the woman Same Always the girl When I look in the mirror I see a girl

I see a girl I sometimes see like A ten year old in the mirror And I'm like Who the fuck is that Yeah Yeah I don't ever refer to myself

As a woman I'm always for myself I mean that's why This podcast is called Brown Girls Do It Too Not Brown Women Do It Too Our guest today Should need no introduction.

You might know her as Edwina Sharma from Netflix's steamiest period drama, Bridgerton. And she's about to take the West End by storm, we hear. It's Charithra Chandran. Welcome to Brown Girls Do It Too. I don't know where I'm waving, but hello, hello. Do you like our snazzy jazzy brothel-y curtain I love it so fun

pink's my favourite colour oh great good pink is the colour of a lot of young it's the favourite colour of a lot of young girls I think it's because

Janelle Monae said we're all pink inside so I think that's also good a unifier maybe factually correct right I hope so

I'm pink inside sometimes a bit more mauve aren't men pink inside? Well, we're all pink inside. We're all pink inside. Well, we went to a labiaplasty doctor and my lips are not pink. They're like hyperpigmented.

They're mauve. They're like purple. But are labia inside or outside? Outside. In a labia and outside a labia. You've got two, don't you? Yeah, which we learned when we did our cast of our vaginas.

Something's pink. Was that fun? Yeah, the cast of the vagina was really fun. I can't imagine that's very comfortable. No, it's fine. It's somebody takes like plaster of Paris type material and just puts it onto your vagina and then like peels off the kind of inversion,

so it does the inside, and then like puts that into a mould. Oh, so it's not like you're just waiting for something to dry for hours. No, no, no. We didn't even, I still don't know where they are. Our vaginas. I don't know where our vaginas are. into a mould oh so it's not like you're just waiting for something to dry for hours no no we didn't even I still don't know where they are our vaginas

I don't know where I want them I want that's the great point I actually think it's rather concerning that they exist somewhere

there was an artist she had it as part of like some and it was a it was a campaign that we did but I want my vagina

obviously I don't want your vagina you can have your vagina if you want wait well here's a question could you tell the difference vagina. Obviously, I don't want your vagina. You can have your vagina if you want. Wait, well, here's the question. Could you tell the difference? Could you? Interestingly.

Because I don't think I could. Interestingly, she said our vaginas were very similar. She did. She said you've got really similar lips. And actually, when you look at them, you're like, they are quite similar. Like vulva difference is something a lot of people celebrate. So I don't want to ever to make it feel like your vagina is going to lie in mine. Vulva diversity.

Ours just were randomly similar. Because we probably fucked the same amount of people not the same people but the same amount it would be jokes if you fucked the same people we might have fucked one there might be one crossover

we both collectively had multiple one night stands that names we don't remember and anyway so glad to have you here you are yeah you're an acting legend do you want to talk to us

a bit about your your one woman play I love that you're doing a one woman play this is great I mean this is how I describe myself is like delusional and very naive because why am I making my West End debut in a one-woman show? Who knows?

Spoiler. Thank you. It is so exciting. Like I always say, equal amounts nerve-wracking and just the greatest adventure ever. Yeah, I feel really creatively challenged and pushed and fulfilled as you can see my voice is going because I am just talking for six hours straight every day rehearsing but um yeah it's called Instructions for a Teenage Armageddon it's

playing at the Garrick Theatre starting on the 17th of March and it is a comedy like straight up it is a comedy but it is also a study on grief because the story is basically about this girl who at 13 loses her sister who is her everything to her to anorexia and how that tragedy affects the next four years of her life and her family's life and um it touches upon mental health sexual assault um friendships body dysmorphia um through the lens of comedy and i think that you know in society teenage girls are a group that are mocked criticized have you guys ever noticed that everything that like we think is frivolous or silly or is embarrassing are things that teenage girls like.

Boy bands, frappuccinos, rom-coms. And it's intentional, right? It's to isolate and denigrate young girls. And I'm so grateful to be doing this play because to me it is a testament to teenage girls. To me, the most powerful, wonderful group of people. I love this. So, yeah. I love this.

So exciting. Do you remember the moment for you when you went from girl to woman? Was there like a moment where you were like, I don't feel like a girl anymore. I feel like I'm a woman. I still, to this day, sometimes feel like a girl. So I don't think, I don't know. I don't think there was ever a moment. Like, I still feel like a girl so much of the time

but I also think it's interesting when you're a girl like obviously you're innocent compared to when you're a woman but there's always an added layer of like an inaccessibility to an innocence that young boys have yeah because of like society makes you know I remember at four years old like I would just lie on the sofa and I'd be told to like close my legs at four. So like even when I think about a young girl's innocence, I always think, oh, but there is less of an innocence than with young boys. I completely agree with you. My innocence. And I'm going to word this carefully. My childhood was taken away from me when I was eight, because I think, again, maybe not specific to South Asian culture, but I can only speak about our culture because I'm a South Asian. It's like, you know, your cousins are coming or so-and-so is coming.

Like, wear something appropriate or don't look like that or don't dress like that. And it's like, I'm a fucking child. Why am I being treated like that? It's like the adultification of children. And that happens. It's so rife, I think, within our community. I think there was also two moments where I felt like a girl to woman is when I got my period. And when I got married, that's when I was like, I'm a woman now.

Is there like a defining moment in your sort of adolescence when you were growing up where you really felt that change? I don't think I felt it when I got my period. I actually think I had the other scare. I was like, oh my God, this is supposed to be a sign of womanhood, but I'm still a child and I still feel that way. But I know this means I'm a woman. I could imagine it was when I first wore a sari because like, instead of wearing like a pavada or like a half sari, I wore like a full sari and that, I guess, probably felt quite grown up.

But like I said, I think, and I feel really privileged that um I still feel like a child most of the time and I feel really lucky for that it's funny because I feel like we try to accelerate our kind of womanhood when you're really young you think you're way older than you are and that's like being a teenager I would just be like I know everything I know everything about the world and anything my mum would say to me for advice I'd be like I'm not taking advice of you like I know what I'm doing and actually now I look back at those times I'm like oh god she was really telling me some important stuff I like didn't didn't take and you get to our age and you're like I'm I'm a child you act yeah you act kind of immature you dress

like a still you kind of hark back to your youth a bit more I think the older you get I've got a two-year-old and the other day I was hanging out with him, joggers, trainers, chilling in our house, like pissing about with a football. And I was like, I am just playing with this baby and this baby is mine.

And I was doing that thing where I was like, but I'm a baby. Yeah. This is what you do when you're like, am I in a casual relationship? Vivian had this epiphany

where she thought she was in a casual relationship but she's in a civil partnership with someone where she shares a mortgage and a child. I thought I was in a situationship. Someone described a a civil partnership with someone where she shares a mortgage and a child. I thought I was in a situationship. Someone described situationship to me

and I was like, yeah, that's what I got. And then they were like, no, that's not what that means. How do you refer to your partner? Do you say partner? Yeah, he's my partner. He's my partner. He's my partner. We're in a civil partnership.

We have a baby. I just didn't want to get married because I... That's not a situationship. In it. But I still feel like it's funny because I look at him a situation yeah in it but I still feel like it's funny because I look at him and I still think

he's really young he's like 45 no wait is he he's about to turn 44 and I still look at him and I see this like that's a good thing I see this like guy

that I met on a first date he's like he like looks like a child to me and like when we're hanging out I feel like we're really playful like me him and my son were all in bed

this morning like doing like really ridiculous like cuddle fort tense with the duvet at like 6am, like pissing about. And I'm like, I feel like I'm quite connected to my inner child. But I think people that are are more joyful.

Like I think they're happier, more like younger. I also think society's changed, right? Like now I think our idea of ageing and like what's appropriate for what age. Yeah, it's all gone out the window. We realise it's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. Yeah. Like I'm 38, still fucking 22-year-olds.

Like, I'm living my life. Genuinely. And like, this is the thing, I hate age shaming in either way. Women do that all the time. Wear whatever you want at any point in your life. And we do it to celebrities all the time. Like, people take the piss out of Madonna

for wearing what she wears. And I'm like, are we kidding right now? Let Madonna wear whatever she wants. She can do whatever she wants. And I'm actually talking about this right now let Madonna wear whatever she wants and I actually talking about this inner child what's your most childlike trait

that you have I can't not contain a laugh when somebody farts oh my god me too it's so funny I farted next to you like a few times

yeah but you didn't I didn't hear it only if you can hear it it's only funny if you can hear it if you're like I farted it's like that's not funny

but if you're like that's not funny so we have the humour of five year olds oh my god I just think I'm kind of disgusting like I have no discipline what's the most gross thing that you do not look disgusting by the way so I'd say I'm really messy I'm but I'm very clean like I'm not dirty but I'm very messy yeah I'm super clean and messy but like I just have no discipline I have no self-control like I can't go a one week without eating chocolate like I have

no self I have no impulse control you tell me not to do something and I will go and do it that's interesting it's really bad yeah I'm just very very undisciplined but you are an actor who's doing a one-woman show that's like quite disciplined because I love it yeah yeah no no no I can't but maybe you're allowed to be undisciplined about certain aspects of your life when you're so disciplined about work. Maybe. But I don't know. I just think I'm really silly. Like, I want to do what's considered children's activities.

How old are you? I'm 27. You look about 15. I know. I love it. I was like, is she legal, guys? Yeah. You look unbelievably young.

But it makes dating really hard because the only men that approach you are perverts. I love that so much. I didn't think about it like that. I mean, you're obviously blessed with excellent genes. So when you are actually our age, you'll probably look much younger. But you look extraordinarily young and obviously very beautiful.

I mean, I think if there was a picture of me and you, somebody might actually think she's my child. Do you think? No. No? That would be so funny. I mean, I didn't know that. No, babes. But I love it. No, Sh she's my child, do you think? No. No? That would be so funny. I mean, I didn't know that. No, but...

But I love it. No, Shanti, my mum, like, I call her Shanti because she is like my sister, looks about 35. Oh, wow. Yeah. She's like, she had me at a very appropriate age. What's her secret? Just jeans, man.

And my grandad, so her dad, he's like 86, looks about 60. It's mad. Brando Brown. Brando Brown. It's mad, yeah. But you enjoy it. You like looking. Yeah, I've never wanted to look older.

I have a real, but this is the thing also. I feel like maybe contradicting everything I've said, but I also have a problem with aging. Like my birthday, I do not enjoy it. I'm actually like actively miserable and I do psychological warfare around, on everyone around me on my birthday. When's your birthday?

17th of Jan. Babe, can I just say one bit of advice? Capricorn. I know. You've got to embrace it. Age, it just gets better. It's privilege as well. It's such a luxury.

It gets better. Oh my God, being in your like 30s, like it just gets better. And then my friends who are like in their a luxury. Oh, my God. Being in your, like, 30s, like, it just gets better. And then my friends who are, like, in their 40s are like, it is, it's good. Don't fight it. It is. But I pay such psychological warfare. So I always say to, like, my family and friends, I'll be like, you know, no, no, no, I don't want to do anything for my birthday. I just want it to be low-key.

I don't want anything. Donate to charity, which I do mean that. Yeah. And then the day comes and they don't do anything. And I'm like, oh, I guess no one loves me'm like oh I guess no one loves me oh I guess no one loves me okay okay I see how it is or I'll plan a party and then the day before I'll cancel oh my god you're so dramatic yeah I mean you're upset when actually no one turns up exactly and then I'm like oh okay you all listen to what I said then fine okay it's really bad I feel like we need some sort of calibration system on your birthday.

But this is the thing, I'm actually such a reasonable person. Like I'm, I'm very reasonable. That is how people, that would probably be the first thing that people say. Like she's very reasonable,

very chill. Yeah. Except on my birthday where I act like a psycho. You're allowed, you're allowed one day a year. Come on. No big deal.

I'm psychotic. Yeah. Just on that day. Just on that day, we're fine. Do you feel like there's an age where people should like kind of let go of their inner child and maybe establish that they are a woman or like, no. That was so easy.

You're like, nah. For what? For when? Well, I feel like there's a kind of benefit. There's a kind of idea that like, you know, there is something actually powerful about being a woman and being responsible and like owning that and like talking like, I don't know, because I feel like on this podcast, we get a lot of young people email us and stuff. And I would hate for them to see us in a certain way. And then I feel like a responsibility to them. And I think sometimes I should be like holding ourselves

a little bit like, yeah, we do have a bit more experience than you. And so maybe we should be able to talk to you in a way that feels like there is a respect. But there is, but that isn't, there isn't an incongruence between like what you have is wisdom right and you can impart that wisdom but i also feel like i would have wisdom it's also about experiences it's not about age and with age comes more experiences but not necessarily right because i will have wisdom and advice for you on things that i've experienced that you haven't yeah of course and obviously if you've lived more lives you've had more experiences so I don't think about it as age I think about it as experiences and having said that like it's so funny I think I see a lot of like discourse on social media about young women

being like oh old women are so bitter and all this and like so jealous and all this and I think the biggest but also the biggest lie and the biggest mess-up that patriarchy has done to young women is to make young women think old women are bitter when they give us valuable advice right and I'm like no they've literally lived our lives listen but the patriarchy has convinced young women that old women are bitter older women are bitter and then men can do their bullshit on young women. And I'm always like, no, no, no,

I will always listen to an older woman. You are fucking wise beyond your years. I just don't want to, I'm just like... Are you single? Yeah. Are you like, dating or... Yeah.

How's that going? How's that going, babe? With the father. Guys, I'm not even going to lie. If I met my dream person whatever that means I'd want to be married tomorrow like

because marriage I think seems really fun like marriage so you do want to get married I want marriage you want marriage or you want a wedding I want marriage

marriage you want marriage I don't want a wedding you don't want a wedding my dream wedding would be like hire out food like have a barbecue I love barbecues

my favourite thing oh really I would hire like food trucks so I don't want a wedding really but I want marriage because marriage seems so fun like you have like an inbuilt best friend that you can go do fun things with but you can do that with somebody who you're not married to that's true that is true but I think do you think you just mean like a relationship you like the idea of like a serious relationship I want a serious committed relationship where they can't escape so easily though oh yeah you need something to lock them down

a mortgage yes find different ways to trap them it doesn't always have to be marriage that is true yeah I want like some thing

that they can't leave easily so you don't want to you're not like into serial dating you want to be you want to fall in love well I've never been

in a relationship because and there is a combination of like I'm South Asian and this is how we've been brought up but a relationship because and there is a combination of like I'm South Asian and this is how we've been brought up but I also do think it is a personality trait of mine because I am pretty good at unpacking I always say this I it's easy for me to be a good person because I genuinely believe in the things the way I live my life rather than like oh society expects me not to do xyz yeah and I thought about like oh I've always gone into dates being like are

you my future partner my future husband whatever father of my children and I thought like is this because I'm South Asian and we've been told that's how we should approach dating but no I genuinely like that is my personality and I'll date someone go on a few dates date them for a month and then if I think I like if I think oh you're not my future partner I'll end it so I guess in my life I imagine I'll only ever be ideally in one relationship that sounds quite romantic can I ask what has British and taught you about dating has it taught you anything yes it has actually it's not always the case that more options, the better. Yeah. Like, I actually think that's really flawed. And I like the idea of, okay, these are the options in the room, pick the best one.

And I think that's really helpful and good. Because I think there is this culture of always looking for better because we do feel like options are endless. Whereas I really try to see like, is this good enough? And that a bad thing but is this good is this good enough to be like this is good I'm done I also loved that you shout out your mum because I'm I'm really close with my mum too and uh I love the idea of like kind of you know finding someone who gets on with my mum that was like always really important for me it's so important very key right and my dad oh my god yeah and like when I the guy that I'm with now who I have the child with who I've been a situation with uh when I when I like like eight years we've been together forever and when I met him I was like he's hot he's smart he's cool and I want to fuck him and I wasn't thinking about any of the other things I

wasn't thinking like will my mum like him with my brother like him is this I wasn't thinking that the first time I met him because I was just wanting to sleep around and I was like you're a great shag and this is going to be for as long as it can be fun and then like I I was I don't have relationship with you and then he did all the things that made me think oh my god my mum's gonna love you yeah and it would like I almost got into a relationship with him because I was like it would be such a shame for her to miss out on you and that and that's been like so key like it's such a valuable thing would you take advice from your mom on dating and yeah you often do now I tell my mom everything like first date because I think this is the thing Shanti will say something that's like

and Shanti's so blunt like she's so rude she's so rude but she'll say something and I'll go I disagree shut up and I'll like storm away but then what she said will penetrate and I'll think and I'll think and then I'll like come back and go you were right is she often is she often right yeah I think so well this is the thing it's like we get carried or I get carried away with like lust and coolness and like we're having a good time and Shanti can see like beyond that beyond that um and she knows me so well you know obviously it matters i could i will never be with someone that doesn't like my parents that's just not possible it's not it's not gonna happen even if my parents are the problem sorry i've got

them like what am i gonna do whoa big big bold statement there no they're not they're great i mean yeah they don't even if they are the problem. Yeah. You're obviously going to show allegiance to your, and loyalty to your mum and dad who have raised you. For now, yeah. Yeah. It's like, sorry, what am I going to do?

Tell my parents. Can't pick the other ones. I quite like that. See, I don't have a good relationship with my parents. And I think that desire you both have is born from having a really good, healthy relationship with your parents. It's always been healthy, though. Yeah, yeah.

But I think now, though, when I'm ready to be in a relationship, because I hid my ex-partner for a long time. Well, they don't actually even know about him. But the next partner I'm with. Can I just ask clarification? Yeah. You don't have to answer. So are you with someone now? No, I'm not with someone now. When you're open? No, no, no. I'm with. Can I just ask clarification? Yeah. And you don't have to answer. So are you with someone now? No, I'm not with someone now.

And you're open? No, no, no. I'm not. I was with my ex-partner, but we broke up. It was mutual. And now I'm dating like an absolute. Oh my God. So I'm very happy where I am.

How do you meet people? On dating apps. Oh, nice. I'm on all of them. Quite literally. She does really well out of it. I do really, really well. I do.

It is a full time job you're a beautiful girl get it thank you I've got sleep in my eye right now as I say this to you but I

doesn't like giving a blowjob but that was actually no no I said I now have to give blowjobs because I'm an older woman fucking so I'm doing my bit for older women

I actually think the opposite I think if you're an older woman you like firstly you're not an older why do you keep saying older woman no no no I'm totally owning my age

by the way I feel fabulous you don't have to ever No, no, no, but I'm totally owning my age, by the way. I feel fabulous. Like, I don't, you don't have to ever worry about me and my age, but I, I'm older than you. So I don't know how, I don't know how else you'd want me to say it, but I'm an older, like I'm not the oldest woman, but I'm an older woman. And I'm having my hoe up, I'm having my glow up. I love it. I'm having a fucking great time.

And it's great dating in your 30s than in your 20s. And actually what I've realised is like this whole thing that we're talking about from girlhood to womanhood, I'm like a walking, talking reverse case of Benjamin Button. I just feel like I'm getting younger. A reverse case of Benjamin Button. It is Benjamin Button. No, no, no.

Because he was getting younger. No, no, he was getting older. No, he's getting younger. No, he's getting younger. Okay, I'm just Benjamin Button. I'm saying it wrong was getting older. No, he's getting younger. No, he's getting younger. Okay, I'm just Benjamin. I'm saying it wrong all the time. I'm so dyspraxic. So I now, honestly, like what you were saying earlier,

when I was growing up, I felt the weight, you know, I was in like a forced marriage. I felt the weight of being an adult, of being a woman at such a young age. And I'm now getting back those years where I where I had that childhood really and that sort of early adolescence taken away from me so I I'm having a great time it's like clubbing right like I really love to go out I really love to party all this and I see so much like discussion about oh like at what age are you too old to go to a club and I'm thinking never never I hope I'm doing this at 50. Oh my God, me too, honey.

Have you watched Indian matchmaking? I hate it. Okay, but you've watched it, right? Yeah. Yeah. Why do you hate it? Because I think that like, I do think it's accurate. Like I'm not going to pretend like, oh, you know, Indians aren't like that.

They are. But, and I think this about like representation in general in the when you are barely represented on screen I think there is an obligation that representation breaks barriers

and breaks stereotypes and that perpetuates an already existing stereotype so I think what benefit does it add to the Indian community makes white people laugh

like brown people aren't watching that going oh my god this is so funny we're going holy shit triggered so I'm thinking it's mocking brown people aren't watching that going, oh, my God, this is so funny. We're going, holy shit, triggered. So I'm thinking it's mocking brown people.

It's not saying anything new about our culture. Exactly. It's not saying anything new. It's mocking us for a white audience. My follow-up question wasn't actually why you hated it. It was that scene where there's that girl who lives and dies by everything her mum says. Oh, I don't. So there's a character a bit like yourself where she loves her parents, her parents love her, and she goes to her mum for everything. Do you think that your mum has a lot of weight and control in your dating life?

She doesn't have control. Okay. But you take her advice? I take her advice. But I think, especially in the last few years, my mum and I have a lot of respect for each other and we have a lot of respect so I take her advice but it's advice and that's like that is the thing that we've been working on which is transitioning from my mum going I've told you to do this so do it to here is my advice and I'm not going to be upset if you don't take it. That's big.

That's a best progress. How did you get that? Yeah. I'm still on the fucking first thing. I think by mirroring. So like I behave in a way where she goes, oh, this was nice. This was nice that Trithra did this or like listen to me this way or apologize or heard my concerns.

So then I say, you know how I did that? Do you mind doing that to me? So I make or heard my concerns so then I say you know how I did that do you mind doing that to me so I make her mirror my behavior wow I saw a clip recently on the internet of this guy talking to his mom about boundaries I don't know if either of you saw it oh my god I did you know we just have some boundaries she's like boundaries how fucking dare you with your boundaries like as if I got a chance to have boundaries boundaries is so offensive and she went off on one and I was like it's really interesting because I think the way that we articulate our emotions and our feelings in our generation your generation is younger than us even like a lot of it's based on like western psychology it's based on uh western education systems and so like

I because I think that you know there's because I have a child I'm often thinking about how I will communicate to him what's important to me and a lot of the stuff is like I actually really liked that my parents were probably a little bit strict with me and kept me quite close because yeah I think so because I think that it made me really respect them and so if I was bullied at school or my peers hated me I didn't like go into a hole I came home my mum respected me and loved me and I was like that's enough and they made me feel like I was enough I don't know like it's funny but you pick and choose the little the bits of it but I found that really interesting that his mum couldn't possibly accept his way of articulating his emotions. Because she was like, I can't compete.

I can't understand it. But I think that's part of communication, right? Like saying to an Indian, presuming it's Indian, but saying to an Indian mum, like boundaries. Well, they're not going to understand that. So why would you say that? There's no benefit. You understand this chopper. You're going to get a exactly smack in the face with it

exactly so you have to use language that they understand with words that they understand I like I really love a lot of things about my South Asian upbringing so I often think of it as like a really beautiful amalgamation I step back and I genuinely again it's the evaluation of what I believe in my life I go these are the things that I value from my South Asian upbringing that I want to carry on. These are the things from my British upbringing that I value and I want to carry on. And I see a lot of synergy in both of those. And I think that is a privilege

because a lot of people see kind of cognitive dissonance. Yeah. Or feel cognitive dissonance. Yeah, which is most of my 20s, but I'm now actually where you are. Very wise with your pearls of wisdom. Yeah, you really are. When I was 27, I was just like high.

Yeah, I was just like a fucking waste man. I was like, yeah, let's get fucked. Genuinely, I think I was like having a summer in France. I was not nervous. I mean, no in it. No, not at all. So obviously growing up, you always see your mum as an adult. So you see her as a woman, you know,

that idea of kind of an adult woman who has responsibilities and that's that's your idea of that's your first woman that you kind of see and get to know and do you feel like at any point now as an adult looking over to your mum you've seen her as like a girl for sure and I think it's it's it's a like experience in a grown-up's life which is when you become your parent's parent when like the complete relationship dynamic changes of you know when you're a child it's like your parent looks after you and then suddenly and it happened for me pretty early on because of certain circumstances but like at 21 I was my mum and dad's parent I was my mum and dad's carer right like the relationship completely switched and so I actually think I was my mum and dad's carer, right? Like the relationship completely switched.

And so I actually think I've gone too much the other way in that I can be really paternalistic to both my parents. Being like, this is what you should eat. This is when you should sleep. This is your habits that you should be doing. Why have you got to that stage? Because I love them so much and I want to make sure that they're the same way the parents are you're just mirroring it back to them do you think they like you being this strict

I think high level and low level so in a low level no because they're like oh she's so annoying she's making me eat less meat and yeah you know go to the personal trainer twice a week whatever it is higher level I think they're so aware it's because I want them to be happy and healthy and live long. So higher level, they love going to their friends like, oh, she booked me a PT for two times a week. It's basically us negging on our parents and bitching about them. They're kind of doing it with you. Yeah, literally. Total role reversal. And, you know, I was so much kinder to my mum

when I, like, fully clocked that, holy shit, much like me, this is her first time doing life. She is a child always learning about life. In the same way, every experience I have, she's having it for the first time through me. Like, through her child. Everything is new for her, much like it is for me.

Because she never experienced it because she's obviously from a different generation or yeah but equally it's her first it's her first life sure but she's had

more time on the planet than you she's had more time on the planet but I always think like yeah it's my mum's first time doing life too yeah

yeah yeah and she gets to do it kind of again differently with you I think that's the yeah yeah it's funny because like I

I've been filming myself a lot for my child so that when he's older I'll be like this is what I was like before you because I don't want to become so mum I don't want to become such a thing for you that you don't get that I had this like whole life before you and that life was so fun that I wanted you in it yeah and I don't want you to ever I don't want you to ever think that I brought you here because I thought things were bad. Like you're here because everything was so good. Oh my God, I love that. Yeah.

I've never like even thought about it. That's so sweet. Yeah. I think that's like a, like a big drive to have kids. It's like, cause you're just like, this is so cool.

I want to share it with someone. But you know, when you open up like an old photo album, which we, us Asians cherish, right? Cause everything's on. But you know, you look at your mom or your dad

before they were married and they're like, fuck, they look really cool. And my mom in a sari with her belly out and looking like a Bollywood actress and I'm like

this is before she became mum and her identity and who she was and her silliness and love of life was stripped away so

or if you see pictures of them as like kids yeah I saw a picture of my mum at like four and I was like she's just sitting there

like just a spoiler and I was like what's going through that little girl's head like will she ever know she's gonna have her own little girl of her own and like she's done mad but that's where I love with my grandparents us I like when I was a child I was obsessed with knowing what my parents were like as children yeah I'd always be like what were they like tell me stories tell me funny stories about them growing up yeah obsessed with it yeah who are you most similar to, your mum or your dad? My mum and dad, that's probably why they divorced.

My mum and dad are like extremes on this, like really, really extreme on both ends. So my dad is like a major introvert. Mother is an extrovert. Mum is super shameless. Dad is full of shame. Like all of these things. And I really think that like I may be the balance yeah

you probably are the most balanced person I've ever met in my life so I couldn't I really see that you're very very centred very grounded

I feel like a lot of like younger female guests that we bring on the show sort of shed a like turn the mirror on us and be like oh I'm fucking cracked

I've still got a lot of progress to do what does that mean though like progress because I was I was talking to my therapist and I was like therapists are shit you guys make people worse you're awful did you say that to her yeah yeah and what did they say and he was like no I agree with you I think most therapists are awful which is why he stopped teaching um because he was like I see so many people that shouldn't be therapists and I I said to him at one point, I was really low. And I was like, how do I just like not feel thing?

How do I just be like the most balanced, moderate person? He goes, so you just don't want to be human. What are you trying to say? Like you don't want to experience life. So balance is good. But I actually think like you feel alive when you have the extremes. When you feel super sad and you feel super happy. Yeah, like those can be

turbulent things but it's like oh that's when we're most human I've spent a lot of time living in extremes so in my 30s going into my 40s I don't want to live in a constant state of flux yeah of extremes because this high low situation is yeah kind of how my mum and dad live and I'm like nah I want to level out now. It's time. It's time. Yeah. I mean, thank you so much for coming on.

That was so good. It was such a joy to speak to you and yeah, we'll be coming to your play. Yeah, we're definitely

coming to your play. And now we are your Shaggy Andies. A short one this week. I'm in a happy relationship over three years, but I constantly obsess over everything that could go wrong. What if he leaves me? What if he cheats?

I want to stop, but I worry that the minute I do, that's when everything will go wrong. Any advice on how to be a bit more chill? I want to enjoy my life. It's the like what ifs of the world. Yeah. But babe, three years and you're you're constantly obsessing i mean i think maybe maybe you need to maybe this is beyond the relationship maybe you need to actually

talk to someone about it because it sounds deeper than i can understand i can understand this sort of first three to six months in when you really really really like someone you're like fuck what's gonna happen what if they go what if they leave me but three years like babe he loves he obviously loves you if he's still with you right I think I'm gonna be really realistic things are gonna go wrong that's life that's experiencing that's like totally being alive things will go wrong no but like they will they will go wrong it might not be you break up you're gonna have problems in your relationship you're gonna argue things in life will not go the way that you're expecting and that's fine that's like life I don't think don't think you should worry about that you don't want your life to go on some perfect thing but don't worry about problems until they're there yeah I know I I agree with what you're

saying but I think it's it's she's in the obsessive like she's constantly thinking about where things could go wrong constantly all the time and you you're right. Your message, I think, is overall bigger picture. Things will go wrong. You'll fall in and out of love. You'll meet partners. And that is life, c'est la vie. But you obsessing over every detail constantly must be exhausting for you.

And the fact that you're doing this three years in clearly is not good for you or for him. Oh, I see. You're obsessing about all the details of your specific relationship with this person rather than like, I'm just obsessing about all the details of your specific relationship with this person rather than like I'm just obsessing about anything going wrong

yeah yeah yeah she's obsessing about things going wrong now like now like you could do this you could do this and I'm like

how are you like if you're still thinking about this after three years then maybe you should speak to someone about because there's clearly something else there

what kind of like what is he not offering you that's not giving you that foundational trust to feel safe in a relationship? Maybe it's a trusting. I think a lot of relationships are about safety, like feeling like someone's your home and keeping you safe. And if you're suddenly like, this doesn't feel stable.

It feels like any minute anything could go wrong. Then, yeah, you should speak to him as well and be like, I'm not feeling it. I don't feel confident enough. I feel like something's going on. But babe, you're right. He could leave you. He could cheat.

Like he could do any, he could do, he could do all of those. He could be faithful to you for five years and do those things on the sixth year or he could do none of those things and leave you tomorrow.

Or he could marry you, live with you for 20 years, have five kids with you and then cheat on you. You just have no idea. You don't know. That's like it's, like love and being in a relationship

is a big, big risk. But you take that gamble, don't you? But advice on being a bit more chill I would say drink a smoothie I understand where you're coming from I think with new relationships I used to be a bit like this but you need to just I think let go a bit trust in him and yourself a bit more and what will happen will happen it's inevitable it is life good luck thank you so much

for listening and as ever if you have any thoughts or questions or you're stuck in a rut or your boyfriend

isn't giving you any blowies or you're not giving him any blowies or anything of that nature please contact the Shagney Aunties you can email us at browngirlsdoittoo at bbcagany Aunties. You can email us

at browngirlsdoittoo at bbc.co.uk Or you can send us a WhatsApp or voice note to 079-6800-8222 Bye! Bye! I'm not a girl

Not yet a woman Was that a bit fast? What? I'm not a girl. Not yet a woman. Was that a bit fast? What? I'm not a girl. Not yet a woman. All I need is time. Is this Britney Spears? I think I'm fucking up this song.

Is it? I don't know the rest of it. No, wait. Someone get the lyrics up, please. To open up my mind. Can you just get the lyrics get the lyrics up please to open up my mind can you just get the lyrics up is it is it is it

is it necessary no please Brown Girls do it too