Brown Girls Do It Too - Goodness Gracious Meera!

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

Poppy & Rubina meet their ultimate brown girl, Meera Syal! Yes, they fan-girled... hard!

BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. My son has a speech and language podcast. Well, my son's podcast uses bad language, swearing and themes of an adult nature. Yes? Well, my son says such awful things the BBC need to warn you before you listen. Well, my son isn't even allowed on the BBC or out of the house. Really? Okay, but how big is his danda? If you don't like your podcast with a small aubergine, you know what to do. Check please! This is Brown Girls Do It Too, a podcast about the sex lives of British Asian women, The fantasies, the failures,

and every F word in between. I'm Poppy, and I'd like to be a role model for girls who've never tried rimming. Trust me, it's good. I'm Rubina, and I'd like to be a role model for girls who have never ridden a bike. Is that a sex position? No, I just like cycling. You're such a bike nerd, man. I like bikes. Look, I'm really rubbish on Instagram, but I've actually taken some videos. I cannot believe you've done that. I feel like the excitement of starting this episode today

has made me be like, shit, I should get on socials. I want everyone to know about this episode. Only this guest will get you on Instagram. Yeah, only this guest will get me on Instagram. Not even a fucking tube strike could... If she follows me back, I might piss my pants. I did start my period today.

You did. And I thought it was like a sign from the moon just saying, today's the day you're about to meet someone you highly respect and that you've thought about a lot your whole life.

Like, I've thought about her a lot. Yeah, yeah. When you think about all the brown, famous women that one thinks about she's definitely out there british famous asian funny sexy sexy silly physical comedy nailed yeah amazing chat yeah writer amazing writer yeah yeah yeah like i watched bargy on the beach with my son recently when he turned one he He had a hand for a mouth disease.

That's the kind of thing we were doing at home. And I was like, wow, this film. Like, her films. Films, everything. I'm ashamed to say I haven't watched Bajie on the Beach yet. Or Anita and Me. But I will be. I mean.

Oh, Anita and Me. She wrote that. And that's like a GCSE book. That's like in English literature now. Is that in the anthology? Oh my God. That's world famous, isn't it? When you're in a GCSE book. That's like in English literature now. Is that in the anthology? Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. That's well famous, isn't it, when you're in a GCSE anthology? I know.

Do you think anyone's going to be doing Brown Girls Do It Too in sex education? I pray that... I mean, I'd rather be in a GCSE English anthology than sex ed. Although sex ed would be pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. We could revolutionise it. I mean, we're not going to be in any anthology because we don't actually know anything about anything. We could write stuff. We could write stuff.

We have written stuff. We have written stuff. We've written stuff. I was like so nervous before coming here, you know, today about... You're always nervous when you meet someone. I'm always nervous about it. Our text messages go like, Poppy, I'm nervous. We've got this amazing guest. And I'm like, nah, we'll be fine.

I'm just like breezing in. I'm like, yeah, cool, great. I mean, it's amazing and I'm so excited. But you're just like no i got anxiety i start itching again you know my itches i got like itched quite a lot yeah i do uh and i just been like really stressed out about what she's gonna think about us because she doesn't know how much we've been watching her i know oh my god i sound like a creepy stalker but we've been watching you like she's the only role model we have it must be weird for her because she's

like i listen to your podcast but she probably listens to like the clip that her PR sent and we're like we've watched everything you've ever made yeah but she is

you know what what people say about Beyonce that's what I say about her for South Asians I'm saying telling you it's like in the comedy space

in the sort of performance comedy space like it's huge I can't think of any more famous british asian female actress than her yeah i can't who's funny and you know we are like theater yeah and film and tv she's done everything uh so we don't need to do 20 questions on who this woman is no but it's clear that we worship at the altar of Mira Sayal. To the altar.

Of Mira Sayal. That's what you're going to do. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I mean, I did do that earlier. You did that. Mira Sayal. Oh, my God.

Say it once, say it twice, say it out. Say it once, say it twice, say it Al they say never meet your heroes but this is a risk we just had to take writer Renita and me Bajie on the beach, performer in Goodness Gracious Me the Kumars at number 42, Raw for Apple TV and many many many many more Mira Sayal

welcome to Brown Girls Do It Too. Mame, mame, mame, mame, mame. Ballet, ballet. Come, fingers. Ballet, ballet. I mean, this is a huge... It took four series. Huge moment.

This is a huge moment for us. We're so excited to have you on. Oh, I'm so excited to be here. On our podcast. Thank you for having your auntie on. Getting her in. Our auntie. No.

You're like our fucking guru. Oh, really? Yes, you are our guru. Yeah, don't auntie yourself. You look like a badass. Look at this, Mira Sayal. If you started a cult, we would her in. You're our auntie. No. You're like our fucking guru. Oh, really? Yes, you are our guru. Yeah, don't auntie yourself. You look like a badass. If you started a cult, we would join in. We'd be quite tempted

by the thought of that. You know, you should. You'd have a harem. You'd have a harem of, like, Indian cults. You'd be like, Mira said to do it, so I'm going to do it.

I'm here. You know what? Have you seen, what's that film on Netflix? Wild, Wild Country. Oh, yeah, I have. The Indian lady, the Asian lady. You're not saying you're her,

but you do have the aura of someone who could lead. Where your one, two followers go. Really? With the founding members, guys. Good. Two is a good place to start. Two is a good place to start. Okay, I'm going to think up some rules by the end of the program. Okay, great, great, great.

We're ready to follow. I mean, so we're so excited to have you on our podcast, which is all about sex and relationships. Is it weird for you to be on a podcast talking about sex? It's not something you do publicly as part of your career. No, not at all. My goodness. I mean, that's the reason I sort of wanted to come on,

because I think what you're doing is so important. So, you know, I grew up in the, I was a young woman, a teenager in the 70s, young woman in the 80s. And that was a long time ago. And attitudes were very different. And what I think is fantastic is that you are encouraging us,

the South Asian women, to be open about our sexuality and our needs and our wants because bad things happen when you keep all that inside. Us two besherums would never have done this 10 years ago. Even five years ago.

Absolutely not. I'm a serious journalist why the fuck would I want to do a podcast about sex and also we talk about this in our stage show

which hopefully you will come to of course where we when we did series one we were a bit embarrassed by it we didn't tell anyone in case the aunties

were like who are these slags but now where I think well I mean I certainly am we are owning it and we're proud of it.

Like I was on the train the other day and I got spotted. What? Yeah, for the first time. She comes over and she's like, are you Poppy J from Brown Girls Do It Too? And I was like, yes. She's Brazilian. And she said, even though I'm Brazilian and obviously we're South Asian women, there's so much that speaks to my experiences.

And you just make it normal. And you just talk about it. And it's funny. We're funny. And. And it's, and it's funny, we're funny. Yeah. And I guess it's the whole idea of like, what is serious journalism? Because interesting to hear you use that phrase, right? Because it's like, these are our bodies. These are our relationships. These are like very important parts of our being, but they're not considered serious. Like it's considered silly. So we actually have quite a lot of fun making it silly, but it's become way more important to us. Yeah. Did you feel like you could talk to your

family and friends about sex when you were kind of coming of age are you kidding no not even your cousins no do you know unfortunately I didn't really have any girl cousins so no I do remember the first Indian girl I ever met who was a little bit older than me and she was at university and I think I was doing A-levels and she was the first Asian woman I ever met who admitted to be doing it at university. And I honestly sort of looked at her and thought, but she's still alive. No one has struck her down.

What has happened? Have you lied to me? But that's, no, not at all. We weren't. And it was just assumed that even if you were up to no good, you'd do your damnedest not to let anybody find out. So it leads to a very schizophrenic existence. So that's not changed.

We're still leading. Do you feel when you were growing up, did you lead sort of an element of a double life? Oh, yeah, I think we all did. I think we all did. Some of it was to protect your parents because you thought, well, you know, they've got enough to cope with. I don't need this to handle it myself. And the other bit was that they wouldn't like it or approve. So I'm not going to tell them. But you had to sort of play that juggling act all the time. And really, I was in a generation where it was expected. And it sounds like I lived

in medieval times. So it wasn't that long ago that pretty much all the girls I grew up with would have arranged marriages, most of them or semi arranged, you know, they weren't forced, but introductions. I want to talk about your experiences and how you, if you feel that's changed. But I can tell you from my experience as a British Bangladeshi person in my community, that's still the case. Maybe not as much, you know, it wasn't as felt as strong as my time or even yours, but that's still the status quo, even now.

So even if you were, and what the classic thing was, of course, you know, if you went to university or college, you would, you know, do what you did, what you were doing. You might be sexually active. You probably were. You'd have boyfriends or girlfriends. And then you'd forget it all and have an arranged marriage like it had never happened. It's like control, alt, delete. Yeah, seriously. You are a hoe, not anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, that's the thing that really screws with your head. Absolutely. more yeah yeah but you know that's that's the thing that really screws with your head absolutely you know it's fine if the both of you have no experience and you come together and you know you have nothing to compare that person to so it's probably everything is wonderful they could be shit in bed you wouldn't know because it's the only the only experience you've ever had but if you've had a known passion on your own terms to then turn around and have that all up arranged marriage we have to lie at the beginning of a relationship that's not healthy but we were that was the unhealthy sort of lives we were sort

of living you know i find a lot of asian boys in my community did that so they'd fuck around and and have the white girlfriend or the black girlfriend or the asian girlfriend and then it would literally be control alt delete yeah delete. Someone's come from back home, tend to be back home, or someone from the community. I think it's that division of like, this is sex and this is a relationship. And it's weird because people don't often think

you can have good sex in a relationship. That relationship is something you do to impress your parents, to settle down, to slow down. It's structural. It's part of that. And sex is fun and wild

and stuff you do with strangers and you can like really be inhibited but like you can have that in a relationship it's just people don't you know they don't connect the two also i think as asians we compartmentalize to such a degree where you are like you were saying earlier it's the schizophrenic that you become so disparate in your lives and then hence i mean and it's all that i mean people talk about intergenerational trauma but it's all that stuff that you absorb that you then pass on to your kids. So I want to ask you, like, do you think now, I mean, yes, today you're on a podcast with two brown women talking about sex, but like, do you feel like it's changed enough?

Because it has changed. We're here talking about sex. Yeah. Oh, I think it's changed enormously in one generation. If I could think of the difference between how I would talk or not to my mum about these kind of things and how I hope I talk to my daughter, it's a world of difference. I think my generation are the ones that have had to juggle really the generation that came from India and the kids that are born here. There's a huge difference. But I hope it's for the better because, you know, how are you going to navigate a good relationship if you don't know yourself, you don't know what you want, you don't know your body? How are you going to navigate any of that? You need to know yourself.

One of my favourite things that somebody said to us about listening to our podcast is they had never masturbated before. Then they listened to our podcast and we kept talking about how much we were enjoying masturbating. And they kept listening to all of our episodes and they were like, you know'm gonna give it a go and ended up loving it and we were like wow imagine just that like just that of like even the relationship you have with yourself like knowing your body in a certain way and especially with like an asian body which doesn't look like the traditional sex stereotypes anything you see in porn like most porn that you can access is white people most hollywood films that have sex scenes are white people. White people have sex with other white people. You know, you rarely see like brown people

who look like you, talk like you, fuck on TV. And yet we produce the Kama Sutra. And yet, yes. And fit into people in India. So we're definitely fucking. That much is true. But your friend, Nina Waddy on Series 3, said something that blew our minds.

Because we were like gassing up you and her. We were like, when we grew up, you are our role models. And she was like, when we grew up, we didn't have any. Where was my role model, you know, that looked like me? It's true. So it spoke like, yeah, that's the thing that's like, you're like, you know, because when you were growing up in Wolverhampton, you didn't have a really Wolverhampton accent, though. I had a black country accent. Did you?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, mate. Does it come out when you're really mad? It came out when I was talking to your producer because she's from Birmingham. Oh, yeah, Dana. So, no, yeah, it does come out. You scratch the surface, of course.

Brown girls do it too. The Everyday Hustle on Asian Network with Sonia Barlow. It's a show to help you get started, get ahead and get rich. Whether you've already got your own business or you need some help to get started. But it's not my stories. I want to hear from other entrepreneurs, other hustlers. What do they do? How did they begin?

What did they get wrong? And most importantly, what do they want to share? The Everyday Hustle on Asian Network with Sonia Barlow. Listen now on the BBC Sounds app. Brown girls do it too. All my ideas of beauty were from white women, whether it was Miss World, which of course was still on the telly in those days,

or just the girls in Jackie magazine. I mean, they were all doe-eyed, skinny and blonde. Oh, that line in Anita and Me when she wants to know what she's going to be when she's like I just want to be blonde Oh I so relate to that I'm still trying to be blonde I'm still trying to be blonde too, it's ridiculous But that's why going to India blew my mind

actually the first time I went when I was five and I don't remember much about that trip but the second trip when I was 14 when I got off the plane and I was surrounded by women who looked like me, my shoulder just went and then especially in those days when I was 14, when I got off the plane and I was surrounded by women who looked like me, my shoulder just went... Yeah. And then, especially in those days, when I saw the women on temples or in Bollywood films,

they were curvy women. They had busts, they had hips. They loved their body. They didn't, you know, they loved food. There was a kind of sensuality about them that I just hadn't seen in any of my ideas of beauty. And that really did change the way I began to think about me and my body as well. Yeah, I agree.

Although I kind of wish some of the Bollywood stars I saw growing up had at least a unibrow and a snail trail. Because for me, I was like, you look a bit like me, but you have had hair removal in some way. You have everything lasered off, definitely. Yes. And even then when you're growing up,

I mean, then you get like 90s Bollywood, which is the best Bollywood for us. Oh God, absolutely. And then even then the women were, yes, they were a little bit curvier.

But they were getting hard body-ish, weren't they? Yeah. It was starting to happen. And then again, out of your reach because they were stunning, you know,

Madhuri and Kajal and Phel. Kajal was supposed to be the dark-skinned one and even then they fucking put like like, foundation three shades lighter. Yeah, they did. So it's like, you start between... And we talk about this in the podcast, like, the body dysmorphia that we've internalised

as a result of growing up with role models. I mean, I don't know how old your daughter is, but now you've got Maya Jama, you've got so many role models who look like us. But, you know, my day, it was just kate moss and i don't have kate moss's hips but i desperately wanted to be like her yeah yeah yeah you you develop a horrible sense of erasure don't you but then you guys came along and you made being funny fucking cool and sexy and sexy it was like all the things that could be there. You say that, okay. Sexy to women, not to men.

Yes. Really? Yeah. Men are scared of funny women. Funny women, yeah. I think Smita Smitten. Show me Skitten. I will.

Well, don't make me do the face. I know you get asked this all the time. Could you just do it? Okay, sorry. Meow, was it good? Sorry. It's the last thing I'm going to say. So good.

But I think you're right. I think this is a fact. So when we were doing the GGM live tour, you know, we felt like rock stars just for a few months, you know, sold out stadiums, all of that. Mira, you are rock stars. Yeah, we felt it. So, and then, you know, adored on stage

and we come out the stage door and hundreds of girls would mob the two guys in the cast and me and Nina would just put on our coats and go home. If a man did happen to catch our eye, he'd put his hands over his genitals and run away. Oh, wow. Because they're threatened by it. Yes.

Because they're threatened by it. Yes. Funny women are powerful. Yeah, because we, I don't know if you know this, but we get trolled a lot for doing this podcast because of the things that we talk about. And it's mostly men. I mean, women do as well.

Women definitely uphold the patriarchy and the misogyny. But like, what do they say? You shouldn't be talking about it at all. So it's very women. The way they it's like tier three level of trolling. Men usually tend to cuss how we look and call us sluts and um slut shame us and women slut shame us more they're in that sort of camp um that is so disappointing isn't it yeah but yeah no i think um but you made it cool for us we loved it like being funny is such a superpower

yeah i think so i mean you can talk about so much more with humor and it makes sex feel really like accessible and you could i feel like we're so much more honest talking about sex because we're like, could be a joke. Yeah, well, yeah. It's the way aunties joke. You're fat.

And then you're like, just joking. But you know those bitches aren't joking. They're never joking. No, it's the double speak, isn't it? They don't speak all the time.

She's a very healthy girl, you know, that means fat. Code for fat. Very modern girl. Slut. Slut. Slut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then the good Indian girl is the one in the corner, like the fucking plait with a headscarf on, just not talking. They were the worst. They were the worst. They were the ones that lied the most, the good Indian girls. I used to get so much shit because I didn't,

it wasn't the well-behaved, sat with my legs together, you know, nice hair, wanted to do English and drama. What is that? So everyone absolutely assumed I was at it. Up to the worst. It was the good girls who were sitting there going, yes, mummy, yes, daddy, were the ones that were really behaving badly.

I was really upfront and honest about it. Me too. If I had been behaving badly, I would have told you. Yeah. But you're amazing because you were doing English. You were studying English and drama. I mean, I don't know. It's all probably doctors and lawyers, right?

Totally. Yeah. I mean, it still is now, by the way, but it felt like way more. But I also feel like I still have it now. We still have it now because Poppy and I have day jobs where we're like sensible, factual television day jobs. And we do this thinking we can never commit to Brand Girls Do It Too and make it big.

No way. We can't. It's too creative for us. It's ridiculous because we're still like, it's too risky. And you were doing something risky then. Then, yeah. And so that just gives us all a bit of hope to be like, you know, just do it. If you want to be a writer, if you want to be an actor, if you're Asian and you're creative,

just go for that thing that you think is risky because you never know, right? You never know. Life's too short. And look, we all grew up with a lot of women who carried regret around, you know, unfulfilled potential. That makes me incredibly sad with a lot of our mum's generation. Yes, our mum's generation. I wanted to do a documentary called The Lost Aunties. They are completely...

I mean, honestly? Yeah. And that you meet these women and they're vibrant and intelligent and creative. And they're intelligent, yeah. And they never got a chance to express it. And I could smell smell that coming off some of my aunties and that scared me i was like i don't want to be like that when i hit 60 to regret the life i should have had yeah you have to have a go if you try and fail that's fine yeah that's fine but at least you've tried at least you know but then we're all paranoid about being like asian failures you know but actually being

mediocre in asian is just fine. It's called equality. If you have mediocre white people, you can have mediocre Asian people. That is equality. It's true. We can't always be working three times as hard and getting A's all the time. That's just called life. You know that sketch where there's this little boy,

sick boy comes and the dad, I think it's Sanjeev, he gets to the boy, he's like, he's so mad, he puts it down. And then I think you play his wife and you pick it up and he's like oh darling this is great and he like he's crying basically got A star A star

A star A minus in fucking maths or some shit and I'm like literally Asian parents personified totally my god that

goodness gracious me was so seminal and so groundbreaking in so many ways and it's timeless like you see shit now be cancelled it replayed on Christmas.

It replayed at Christmas. I watched it with my in-laws and I was like, we were all just like giggling so much. Do you think like if it got commissioned now, could it get commissioned or would you guys get cancelled? That's a really interesting question. Possibly some of the stuff might have done. Yeah.

Some of the stuff, probably the more family based stuff, no. Maybe the edgy stuff, yes. But it was a slightly different time then. And I have to say, the one good thing was, I'll say this for the BBC, they never interfered editorially. Probably because they didn't know what the hell we were doing. This is what these people do. Yeah, exactly.

You were kind of genre-defined. It's all new concepts, these ideas of ordering in English when you're sitting around the table. They're just, they're just iconic. It's amazing. And the songs, like I'm a Punjabi girl.

Oh, I wrote that. I did a lot of the songs, actually. I love that song. I love that song. I loved writing that song. So good. And I know him too well. The parody with the

white girlfriend. Oh, yes. The Asian. The Asian fiance. Just what we were talking about. Yeah, exactly. I love the British. You know, the two families

who just want to be so British all the time. The Coopers. Yeah, the Coopers, yeah. There's so many. Were there any sexy sketches? Yeah. Apart from Smithers Mitten, who was obviously a sex kid.

Obviously. Nina and Corvinda did a sort of parody of Ghost. Oh, yes. Do you remember that? Yes. With the chapati flour and then getting the pickles out the fridge and putting them in each other. That's so good.

I also love Asians doing physical comedy because I think, again, when you're thinking about your body and you see other Asian people be physically funny, you're like, God, actually, my body can do so much more. It's really empowering. It's like if you don't see people having sex that look like you and then you think, I'm not sexy,

I could be funny. I think that made it just cooler. But sexy is funny, right? Sexy is so funny. And funny is sexy. I mean, I know what your answer is going to be, but could you say in another alternative, alternate parallel universe,

could you fall in love with an unfunny man, but he was gorgeous and like ticked all your other boxes, but he wasn't funny? No. Yeah, neither could I. No. They'd have to have some banter, man.

Oh my God. Bants and lols. Bants and lols. British banter is like top level. Yeah, it is actually. It really is. It is. Yeah.

Because my ex-husband, Freshie, I'm allowed to say that, Gwony, because I'm Asian. Actual Freshie. He's an actual Freshie. Yeah. Honestly, so many miscommunications. I couldn't understand shit. Yeah. And he was so mad at me. I don't know why i went on an aside there but like wouldn't watch friends

with me didn't watch scrubs like all the things goodness gracious he just there's nothing in common no you need that i also think you need someone who's gonna make you feel at ease with like silly humor so that if you want to try wild stuff in the bedroom or you want to take off your clothes or you want to be like oh I just did a fanny far or oh the condom is like slipping off onto the floor and it's a bit, because sex is a bit gross it's a bit stinky and you need to just be like we're being so free with our bodies and each other

and that's part of laughing with a heavy stomach laugh, you know my laugh is really geeky I had a baby last year and he's one and he did this laugh where he's like I think that was you! He's like that is me actually god that's awful great way to pick up the ladies they've just like passed their inhaler if you had an opportunity to go back in time yes and speak to your younger self what piece

of advice would you impart on her i would say it gets better and be kind to yourself. Oh my God, that is literally what I said. We did a version of This Is Your Life. Really? Where we interviewed each other. Oh, didn't I say buy stocks on Apple? Classic fucking Asian. She's so smart.

They're thinking ahead. Buy money, get money, that'll buy your happiness. I said exactly the same. I was like, just chill out and it'll work out in the end and it's going to be fine. Yeah. Because I think we're so caught up in... Oh my gosh, we are.

We're so caught up, aren't we? We're so beset with insecurities and we beat ourself up and life's hard enough and it is a marathon, not a sprint. Yeah. It really is. And we don't... And that is a particular immigrant thing. It's like, achieve, achieve, achieve, now, now, now. It really is. And we don't, and that is a particular immigrant thing. It's like achieve, achieve, achieve, now, now, now.

It's like, it doesn't always happen like that for everyone. We all flower in different times. And we all develop. I'm definitely a late developer. But then also we have the fucking microscope of the aunties and the uncles and the mums and the dads and everyone's expectations. And it's just like, it's too much.

But do you know what I discovered? And this is a rather wonderful thing. When you remove yourself from that, if you refuse to engage, miraculously, there's not much they can do beyond going, no one's going to talk to you. Well, I've cut them all off. I've cut all my cousins off. But you know what?

The sky doesn't fall. No, you don't go to prison. I used to think if I disobeyed my parents, I'd go to prison. Not true. Yeah. I'm Muslim. My mum would be like, you're going to hell and the snakes are going to get you. And I'd be like, I'd just be waiting.

No snakes. I'm going to eat this fucking McDonald's in secret. But I've always tried to keep my parents on the side. And that's what I meant about the honesty thing. It's like, I know this is going to hurt you. I know you don't particularly want to do this. I am going to do it. I love you. We're not going to fall out about this, but this is going to hurt you. I know you don't particularly want to do this. I am going to do it. I love you.

We're not going to fall out about this, but this is what I'm doing. Okay, I need to take some advice from you because my parents don't know anything about anything and I hide so much. And it's now in my sort of late 30s, I'm like, I am open, I'm like, I've cracked open the door and I've let in a bit of light. So it's a start.

I think it's when you understand your parents' fears really come from a deep place of love. Yes, love, yeah. And that's why I'm understanding now. And it's really hard to get that on board when they're being cruel or not understanding. But it is that, you know, they're immigrants, a lot of them. They've come from fear and chaos and life changing

and they want to just keep you close and don't want life to batter you the way that it's battered them. But you kind of have to go, it's okay if I get battered. I can take it. I'm strong. Yeah, and a bit of battering, a bit of life battering makes you stronger. Makes you stronger, character building. But just come with me on the journey. Don't cut me out.

You know, we'll do this together. That's sort of what I've tried to do with my parents. And that is just, that's a kinder way to go forward. Yeah. Well, I mean, I honestly don't know how we can ever top anything episode here. It's not at all. We need another 20 minutes. I mean, we could have gone on for hours.

Like, we love, we're not going to be sycophantic, but we are. We love you. You're amazing. Thank you for everything. You have helped us so much, not just with this podcast, with our stage show. We're writing sketch comedy. We are thinking about all that stuff. And so much of, we just watch what you've done and we watch reruns all the time on

youtube yeah and you've opened the doors for us really you have um for brown women who are i mean we're performers now i guess yes and yeah i just i can't we can't thank you enough you're so funny your funniness is your superpower and we worship at your feet when can we join the cult yes what's the rule i think the first rule is we all have to go out and get really drunk yes and laugh and eat very hot food and tell each other very very bad secrets i think that'll be our first cult rule okay first night together it's a. It's a great cult. Looking forward to that. Brown Girls Do It Too. Everyone is invited.

This is exciting. Thank you so much. It's a pleasure. Thank you for having me. Oh my God, that was so cool. You've reached the Shaggy Auntie's call centre. Want advice you can't ask your real aunties for? Like

how do you ask for what you want in bed? Not sure which hole is a goal? Where do anal beads really go? Have you been faking orgasms your whole adult life? Accidentally called your boss daddy? Is your long-time love not going down south? For more than just the tip, we're here for you. Yes, you.

And you. And you. Okay, let's see what the dilemma is this week. This is a text we were sent a few days ago. Okay, gals, here's a dilemma for you. Thanks for that preamble, lady. What do you do when the father of your kid and the love of your life isn't the one that blows your mind in the bedroom was with my now ex-husband for 12 years met at uni and he's still my best mate after we had our

kid i went through a bit of a rough time with postnatal depression and stupidly contacted my school boyfriend we had sex and it led to the divorce but now i'm trapped between missing my ex-husband the best mate and the one i think is actually the love of my life and the best dad to my kid gotta put my daughter first but then wanting to have mind-blowing insane sex with my school boyfriend that makes me feel alive like nothing else help again this is very this is very typical. Can I unpack this? There's clearly two men. The ex-husband, who's the love of her life, who's the dad to her daughter.

And the school boyfriend is the insanely hot sex guy, right? So it's two guys. And the sex with the new guy destroyed the relationship. So she's divorced. Sex with the school boyfriend guy or the school boyfriend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Led to the divorce of her and her husband. Here's what I've got to say to this lovely listener. She needs to have mind-blowing sex in order to be a good mother she's got to put

her needs first like dad ex ex-husband dad who's already the love of her life he sounds like he's also a good dad in addition to being you know a good ex-husband he's always going to be on the scene he's not going to drop off the face of the earth he's going to see his daughter he's going to take her to football or whatever the fuck you do with young kids. She needs to put herself first. When do you see Asian women putting themselves first? Their identity goes down the can.

I mean, you're a mum. We were just talking about it today. You bought a brolly today, didn't you? Because you had to put your kid first. I did. She's like, I just get wet usually. Yeah, I'm 35 and when it rains, I just get wet. But actually, because I carry my son in a sling, I have to think about him. He can't just get wet.. Yeah, I'm 35. And when it rains, I just get wet. But actually, because I carry my son in a sling,

I have to think about him. He can't just get wet. That's child abuse. So I bought an umbrella. And I was so chuffed because I spent £6.99 on this umbrella. And it's really good. And it keeps him dry. I have to keep him safe and dry.

But I'm not sure how that relates to her. Well, how it relates is she's always going to put her daughter first. For the rest of her life. That naturally happens. That naturally happens. That naturally happens. It's her instinct. When do mothers put themselves first? Every time I talk to mums...

But it's confusing here because, look, she has this man who is her best friend. They have a child together. They have a clear, clicked relationship. They have something that works in some way. But the sex isn't that mind-blowing. So she's going she's gonna have another affair again both she could tell best friend ex-husband father to her kids i want to do movie nights with you i want to you know go on holiday with you i want to do all the like

investing long-term relationship horse riding i don't know what people do that's the school guy and then i want to hook up with this guy once every two weeks. No man would agree to that ever. Most men would not agree to that sort of polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous sort of relationship. But she doesn't know enough, she asks. Okay, she asks, he says no, now what? And I don't understand, they're already divorced, so what's the issue?

Like, go with the school boyfriend, no? Maybe she just needs to go with the school boyfriend no maybe she just needs to go with the school boyfriend and then if the insane sex fizzles out yes yes go back to the just have both i think also you know you can find somebody you want to be in a long-term relationship with who's also the best sex of your life like you can get both of those two things in once but i think right now she's probably slightly addicted to this because she hasn't had great sex with the ex-husband. So I think that this is good with different sets of advice. So my advice is go with the school boyfriend, have incredible sex that makes you feel alive and probably give it time.

It might fizzle out or it might get better and better, in which case consider a longer term relationship. And your ex-husband, who sounds like your best mate and the love of your life, he will always be on the scene. And if he's worth his salt and he's a fucking good mate, he'll be like, go forth and fuck and be happy. And you're right. I mean, as a parent, I think a child appreciates honesty and appreciates it when you are your true self because it allows them to be. And a child of divorced parents isn't a problem or a problematic child it's about how you treat that situation and they want to see you happy you're happy you know when I was pregnant I remember the midwife telling me do you know what's going to happen in this next phase when you have when you give birth and have a baby

and I was like yeah I know it's gonna be stressful and like it's all gonna be like it's gonna be heavy and like my life's gonna completely change and like I have this one thing I have to look after more than anything else I have to look after this one thing. And the midwife says, no, you have to look after you. And when you look after you, you'll be able to be good for your kid. And I think that's true. Yeah. So figure out what you want.

You've done a 180. I don't think she knows what she wants. That's why I'm like, I think you need to take some time to figure out what it is that you want. Well, right now she wants mind-blowing sex. So I'm saying get the mind-blowing sex. Get that out of your system. Get it out of your system.

Yeah. And then she could find a guy who does both. Yeah, because good, really good sex with somebody who you fancy and is mind-blowing that you feel like you can totally do wild abandon with, you probably get five of those in a lifetime. Absolutely.

I've gone on so many fucking shit dates. Five if you're lucky and you're dating, but it's limited to those people who you can just be like your rawest self with. yeah so go get your mind blown babe yeah as always thanks for listening to this episode of brown girls do it too if you have any thoughts or questions or even dilemmas for the shaggy aunties you can email us at brown girls doit2 at bbc.co.uk or you can send us a WhatsApp or voice note on our new number 07968

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brown girls do it too the everyday hustle on asian network with sonia barlow it's a show to help episode. What an episode. The Everyday Hustle on Asian Network with Sonia Barlow. It's a show to help you get started, get ahead

and get rich. Whether you've already got your own business or you need some help to get started. But it's not my stories. I want to hear from other entrepreneurs,

other hustlers. What do they do? How did they begin? What did they get wrong? And most importantly, what do they want to share? The Everyday Hustle on Asian Network with Sonia Barlow. Listen now on the BBC Sounds app.