Brown Girls Do It Too - I Don't Think About You At All

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

Poppy & Rubina get candid about obsession: thinking about someone all day, every day.They aren't talking about your everyday crush. This episode is about the kind of infatuation and lust that takes over your life. Something both Poppy and Rubina have experienced at different stages in their lives.Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail] episodes released every week. If you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

BBC Sounds Music, Radio, Podcasts This podcast contains strong language and adult themes. An alarming level of strong language and adult themes. It's almost like we're obsessed with them. Or are they obsessed with us? Wait,

are you obsessed with us? You must be if you're still listening. Weirdo, weirdo, still listening. Weirdo. Weirdo. Weirdo. Weirdo. This is Brown Girls Do It Too, a podcast about the sex lives of British Asian women. The fantasies, the failures.

And every F word in between. Brown Girls Do It Too. I'm Rubina, and I'm obsessed with rubbers, ballpoint pens, pencils, sharpeners, tiny pencils and all stationery. I'm Poppy and I'm obsessed with coats. Today we're discussing obsession, thinking about someone or something incessantly, all day, every day. We're not talking about your everyday crush. We're talking about an infatuation that takes over your life. Where does it start? Where does it end? And can it be a good thing sometimes? It makes me think of Sweet Bobby, that podcast. Oh yeah. Where she's like obsessed with this guy

who she doesn't know. She wasn't obsessed with him. She was in love with him and she thought he was real. She wasn't in love with him. you can't be in love with someone you've never met before no she was absolutely in love with someone she was infatuated she was she was obsessed with him but she thought she was in love with him but love and obsession is a fine line oh interesting you can wrap it up you know when you open up a packet of quality sweets and you get the green triangle the green triangles wrapped in the purple one and you're like whoa it kind of i like the caramel barrel barrel you're like yeah i go for that it's like a you're like, whoa. I like the caramel barrel. Yeah, I go for that.

It's like my coconut, it's like my bounty. The coconut, yeah. It's like my last resort. I'll eat it, but I don't go for it first. I go for the purple one with the nuts. Oh, everyone loves that one. Exactly. The big purple one. The big purple one.

But imagine like, imagine your favourite toffee barrel bar, whatever the fuck you like, but the gold wrapper, that iconic quintessential gold wrapper is wrapped around something else. That's what obsession is. Obsession wraps around love and calls itself love, but it's not love. It's obsession. My whole life I've been obsessed with, I've known obsession twice in my whole life. Obsessing over someone?

Obsessing over two people, two men, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's one of the, I had to sort of admit it to my ex-partner. One of the many reasons. Oh, shit. Sorry. That's my phone. That's one of the, I had to sort of admit it to my ex-partner. One of the many reasons. Oh, shit. Sorry. That's my phone. That's him being like, excuse me.

Excuse me. I heard that. Yeah, my whole life I've been obsessed with two people. And it just, you know me. Like, you know, I usually don't care about a lot. I'm like, don't care, don't care, don't care, don't care, don't care. But when I care, holy fucking shit. Yeah.

What, like, what's your definition of obsession oh I'm actually I'm really I want to do this episode but it's probably the first episode we've ever done in the history of Brangles Do It Too that's made me feel uncomfortable oh really yeah wow that's weird the anal episode fine no this one you're like I'm like whoa what's going on like what's it all because I think obsession is when you fantasize about a reality that isn't real. Like, you fantasize that there's more going on when there really isn't. So my one main obsession, like, they all existed when I was a teenager, which were unrequited loves I had for boys at school. And I was, like, so in love with them that I did creepy things.

Like, if they were in the school magazine, I'd cut out their picture and put it in my wallet and pretend that we were together and then I'd open my wallet as a teenager and be like oh that's my husband like for me that is like that's like teenage obsession imagine like okay that's interesting isn't it like I can it's weirdly kind of endearing and cute because I can imagine it's not I mean don't get me wrong you are giving me serial killer vibes 16 year old Rubina is definitely giving me serial killer but like imagine 30 something year old Poppy obsessing have you seen you yes it's you it's you without the murders covers so much you it's you without the murder yeah that is obsession it is and what is fascinating is we would say women are batshit crazy, but men, would it be more insidious?

Would it be more dark? Would it be more dangerous because they're stronger? Do you know what I mean? The double standards of if a woman's obsessing over a man, she's just fucking crazy. But if a guy's obsessing, I mean, do you remember when you first came out, to go back to you again, there were so many think pieces and articles like,

this is really problematic and really creepy and women are constantly feeling scared, like they can't walk home alone and all this shit. And so you're a 16-year-old. I want to go back to 16 year old yeah I mean I was a low level stalker oh yeah yeah like I would follow this guy around school I just I mean I've definitely mentioned him on series one like his dad is a famous newsreader but I don't know who he is I feel like he like he knows I was obsessed with him because I used to follow him around school and just stare at him and hope that something would happen. And in my head, and this is what this is my version of obsession, where you have mapped out a reality that you think you're together and that he also notices you, but you're just ignoring each other publicly.

Yes, oh my God, I did the same thing you're like you know like he knows that there's mad chemistry here and that's what i mean it's like how do you distinguish reality in relationships when you have this idea of what they're thinking you never you can never be inside someone's head right ever you never know your fantasy so i i am a fantasist and i've actually realized this i went on a date with this guy uh someone ex-famous and he was saying he was a fantasist and I was like fuck that's what I am and you you know in the show I talk about

we talk about wanking over white people and I talk about all the white boys I fancied Matthew Jason Jason was real

he was my school partner we went to trips together and all that shit but all these other boys I'd just follow them around and I'd be looking at them and they'd be looking at me

and they'd ignore me and I'd ignore them and like you I'd be like they're obviously in love this is mad chemistry oh my god and in my fantasy mind I would I would make up this alternative reality that did not exist and I would live in my head with it I love that though I feel like that's I mean it's on is it unhealthy I think it's kind of healthy as well because you're really you're it's an extreme feeling when you're obsessed

with someone right it's not just like I like them. It's like, no, I am obsessed about them. Like one of my, I have an older brother and one of his friends I developed a huge crush on. Yeah. But it was just beyond anything I could possibly have ever experienced. I found it physically overwhelming how he made me feel when I saw him in public or when he was like at our house. Yeah. And I, in my head again,

I did this whole thing where he, I was like, he is so in love with me to the same level that I am in love with him. And we are just having to like, not be able to address it. Like it kind of creeps me out thinking about it now, how much I was into him. My diary,

my childhood diary has many photographs of him. Wow. And I don't even think I saw him. So basically what I think has happened is you are the version of Penn Badgley you when you're 16 and it gets it gets worse because I'm the version of him minus the murders now this is insane so my whole life I remember yeah there was like low level I mean I wasn't cutting out photographs and sticking them in my wallet but it was all the internet yeah we know the internet I'm not enough scissors but it was all in my mind right but there are two men two men that i can think about that i was

fucking obsessed with and i would say it was unhealthy one of them uh one of the obsessions probably was the cherry on the the sorry the icing on the cake in terms of ending my relationship because i said to my ex-partner i am about, I don't think I told him the complete truth, but I sort of alluded to the fact that I'm thinking about people. I'm imagining a relationship with someone else. And actually it was sex and relationship. It was everything. I was like, I'm imagining myself with other people and not in a healthy kind of innocent crush kind of way. It's not good. But it was, it was, it was obsession. And I look back and I sort of, I need to kind of way it's not good um but it was it was it was obsession and I look back and I sort of I need to kind of deal with it and I maybe need to talk to a therapist about it

because I didn't like the way it made me feel I think it's normal though also I mean you should speak to a therapist absolutely I'm very pro those discussion points but like how bad did it go my one went pretty bad oh my god no you did it in 16. I did it like, you know, two years ago. It doesn't feel that long. But I can still recapture that feeling right now. Like it's such an intense kind of piercing emotion where you're like, I would do anything for them. And I, like, I just, it's, it takes over your physicality.

It takes over your physicality. I like, I wouldn't go as far as say that I fell ill, but like this person occupied my mind constantly and then your obsession spills over to into behaviors and ticks you check whatsapp obviously this is pre pre yeah yeah yeah whatsapp when were they last on like the one person I would think about when they last on oh if you're like dating someone and you do that and then oh my god but they've been on oh this is so bad I can't believe I've been admitting I'm so embarrassed but like I had two phones I had my work phone uh as an American phone and I had um like my

normal British phone and I and I saved this other person's number on my work phone so I could see when they were last online so then they couldn't see that I was online on my phone like like that is not even the worst of it I'm like I'm still grappling with what I'm willing to admit to you and I tell you everything but like interesting like I would wank over them about this obsession this episode about obsession is actually about stalking like it is about stalking it's absolutely so I would I would I would make excuses to go and see this person I would think about this person I would wank over them I would think about and I would play out to go and see this person. I would think about this person. I would wank over them. I would think about, and I would play out scenarios constantly in my head. Constantly.

It never, I never wanted to marry or be with either of these people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the key thing. Like your sweet Bobby lady, she was, wanted to have, she had a,

she wanted to have a life with it. If she could, she'd marry him. What did you want then? Uh, attention, sex, lust.

Have you ever had this thing where you're like really obsessed with someone and then you end up in a situation where you could like potentially physically touch but in like a non-romantic way i don't know how to describe this but basically one of the people i was really obsessed when i was a teenager we ended up going to like debate society yes he was the chair of the debate society i joined debate society Society. And actually, I remember I was on the wrong side of history because I had to debate that the monarchy was a good thing. Oh, right. He was teaching me how to debate

because he was like three years older than me at school. Yeah. I was so fit. Anyway, so I lost myself. I just saw you like go down at home. Because he was like smoking hot. Like I didn't even like, so out of my league and everywhere. And he was three years older than me.

He was like super fit. Running the society and we were like he was like showing me something and like our hands were like this close you know like really close I was watching our hands get closer and closer together but like you know just because we were like standing there and I was like oh my god I think he's gonna brush past me I think he's gonna brush I think he's literally gonna do it and he brushed past me and the bolt of electricity oh my god I felt rushing through my body oh my god yeah and I was like he feels it too he doesn't he had a girlfriend like I just he just it was just nothing it was nothing for him but it was everything to

me oh my god so my the two guys that I fancy definitely fancied me oh really oh yeah yeah it wasn't all in my head I knew it they were also obsessed with you well no no no no no they weren't obsessed with me. They liked me and they fancied me. And that was the end of that. I mean, I'll never know if they were obsessed. So they gave me, I don't think I'll ever be obsessed with someone

who wasn't, who didn't like me or, I need to, give me a bone. You've got to throw me something. But they were quite recent. They were like in my thirties, both of these obsessions. And fortunately they didn't go anywhere because I was with my ex-partner and I wasn't being unfaithful. But I felt like I was being unfaithful.

Have you contacted them now since you've been single? Well, one of them is still a mate. Oh. Yeah, one of them is still a friend. Last night, I asked Poppy if... Oh, not that friend if I was like do you think this person who we see is in love with you and she was like oh yeah yeah I was like okay cool am I third wheeling every situation it's like we make a joke of it but it's not that person okay it's not that

person but um so this other person I thought about him all the time like like sex wanks constant like my mouth was like I'd be thinking about him at work and my mouth was I was like my mouth open drooling and I was like fuck I just have no idea what I was doing and it was every and and also the more they don't get and also none of these people gave me the kind of attention that I wanted so you crave it oh yeah and you create uh scenarios where you could bump into each other or say hello to each other. And then you go into your head. Then you're not cool anymore because you're watching, you're self-analysing and you're self-censoring. Does that make sense?

You're not just being calm and you're not just being you. I think the relationships that I've had with guys where I've like become a bit obsessed with them or like obsessive about that like so and like you know waiting for their messages or like wondering why they haven't messaged or like I like I remember I matched this guy on tinder once and we were just going to set up a date for a Saturday night but I I only saw like a few pictures of him and a bit of a description and I was like yeah I'm obsessed with him I think something's gonna happen here yeah and I like built up this whole picture of who he was, what he was into, everything. And then on the Saturday night, when it came before our date,

I was drinking with some friends. I was like going to have a drink with them and then go meet him. He like bailed on me on a Saturday night and I was crushed. And my friends were like, you don't even fucking know him and you don't behave this way about other guys. And I was like, but this guy, I just,

just from his picture, I made all these presumptions about what I thought he was going to be like. And so I ended up getting really drunk that night with my friends and then calling him. Oh. Calling him at like one in the morning. Okay. Like a psycho. Yeah.

And being like, you shouldn't fucking do this to girls, by the way. Like, you know, we have fucking plans that you could have destroyed. You did destroy. And I thought you were a good guy. I thought you were this, this, and this. And he was like, baby, you don't even know me. And I was like, I know! I was so frustrated. What was his reason?

Did he give you an excuse? He was a major, major stoner. And he was just like, I got really stoned. And I just couldn't make it out. That's kind of a decent, I mean, it's a shit excuse, but it's half decent. I mean, it's not great. But then, this is the other thing.

I met this girl yesterday after our show, and she's like, I met this guy. And it sounded like she liked him, but then he ghosted her. And I was like was like babe you need to adopt lizard skin right now because again don't know how met single men date but I have that insight that window into how women date because I'm a woman and I talk to my girlfriends and they tell me and it's like you got to have one or two or three like lined up because when you when you find someone you like especially like in the world of online dating where there's like a fucking shopping where there's so much choice

and you find the one guy and he's like tick tick tick tick tick tick it's so easy to be like I really like him yeah hone in and you you hang on their every text message when they're last seen their whatsapps their calls and it's like we can't do that I do think the guys that you're obsessed with are probably not gonna be good for you do that I do think the guys that you're obsessed with are probably not going to be good for you in some way yes

I think anything where you're entering a relationship where you're like oh my god I'm so hungry for it that hunger is not sexy it's just not

and also obsession is one sided right if you're so obsessed with them and they're not as obsessed with you if you're both

obsessed with each other great it's a Romeo and Juliet story you're both going to die or it's a mess or it's a mess or it's a hot mess because you a hot mess being like yeah but that at least it's like an equal hot mess it's gonna end in an atomic atomic bomb and you're both gonna die right like a romeo and juliet yeah but it's like one person's like normal an accountant going to work eating his

weetabix and like you know getting on with his day and the other person's like yeah yeah yeah it's never gonna work i'm just like i know this is on i know this is sexist to say but i really think when a woman obsesses it's it's it's crazy but then when a guy obsesses no i disagree with you like if you look at just historically if you look at stalkers in case it's been taken to court it's mostly men you're right and i don't think obsession sits with women and i think that also sorry i do think that plays into like a lot of like crazy bitch stereotypes that we get so i'd like to reel that in because I don't think it's fair but I would say as an obsessive woman one of the things that I'm just thinking about is like

how exciting obsession is yeah we don't really like talk about it in the way that like it's considered like a bit of a negative like it's like a drug it's a drug it gives you a high I love I get like one fantasizing yeah about this guy from school who was like nothing's gonna happen in the real reality of terms in any way um and because you know like i know i'm not a 10 right he was a fucking 12 i know i knew i knew it was never gonna happen but i just loved the idea of being able to imagine i think the danger in obsession is because of what man is stronger he can do more like physically stronger he can do more damage therefore if i were to say to my if my guy friends were to say this girl's stalking me

it's it's i think it would be a very different undertaking to me a woman saying to my guy friends a guy stalking me all i'm saying is have you seen face attraction she takes the family bunny and boils it yeah she's there's no line she's batshit crazy i'm telling you but like i think like i think any type of obsession, male or female, I think it's not ideal. It's not ideal. It's not an ideal situation.

I'm trying to think of other things I've become like really obsessed with. It's called limerence, by the way. That's what I... I actually googled it because I had it like three, four years. Limerence is the state of being obsessively infatuated with someone,

usually accompanied by delusions of or a desire for an intense romantic relationship with that person. So I had limerence. But it it says here limerence could last for months whereas my thing lasted for well the first guy lasted for months and months and months I think a year actually wow and the other guy a year too like a long time to be thinking about someone and I need to unpack that I don't know why and you know what I did well you were in a relationship so maybe you were just like I need to like escape from my relationship yeah I think

that's I think in a base level if we were doing a sigma and four and on me that's what it is but I started journaling I started journaling my obsession when during both times wow and I read it every now and again and I'm like you're fucking crazy what and I read it every now and again. And I'm like, you're fucking crazy. What kind of stuff does it say? Oh, God. Oh, my God. It's so embarrassing. Met Mr. X today and we... When I read it, it reads like your 16-year-old diary that you brought to the show.

It reads like that. Wow. It reads like I'm a 16-year-old. That's like slightly funny and slightly self-aware. But I journal it so and then I read I come back and read it not as me I might read it as you or our producer reading someone else's work and I and it really helps me get perspective like these are the things that you need to not do to not get obsessed with the next person because I I unlike you like yes

there's healthy obsession and then there's fucking unhealthy obsession and I think mine very much veered into unhealthy like I thought I was I genuinely think if my ex-partner knew how much I was thinking about this person I had a mental affair yes it was one-sided and yes no it was and it was not consensual because it was one-sided it was me but like I would rather my ex-partner fuck someone on a one-night stand in Magaluf than do what I did interesting I would never I had apartner fuck someone on a one night stand in Magaluf than do what I did. Interesting. I would never.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine about this, actually, because I'm not giving too much away. She spoke about a similar experience and she's in a relationship. And that night she said to her partner, we said, you know, we played a game of would you rather. And we were like, would you rather one night stand or a year long limerence? And the partner said one night stand or a year-long limerence and the partner said one night stand and both of us as women because we know the emotions that you harbor and how invested you are and how deep those obsessions can go yeah we were like fucking take the one night stand babe you don't know what you just you know signed yourself up yeah yeah of course. Yeah. Interesting. What would you rather?

I don't know, actually, because I think now in my current relationship and the way that I think about relationships, I don't think that kind of matters. Yeah. I honestly don't. I think the strength of a relationship can survive a one night stand. It can survive a three year affair.

Yeah, you're right. It can survive a bunch of other stuff. So I'm actually less inclined to say like one over the other. Because if in any relationship you're having an affair and that is something that leads for one of you to to stray and be unfaithful and lie that's gonna you're still doing all of that whether it's one night three months whatever you're still doing all of those things that like damage the trust yeah but I always believe trust can be rebuilt if you both want both want it I do genuinely believe that I believe most things can be rebuilt if you both want it. I do genuinely believe that. I believe most things can be saved.

Loads of relationships have weathered all sorts. Yeah, I mean, good to know when things should end too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And because I've always been the person here in relationships who never knows when things can end. I'm always like, still, we're still together, right? It's still going to be going on. But like, I think that's one thing I've learned.

It's like, I think it is important to know when to walk away. Also, I guess celebrity culture doesn't help with obsession, right? Like never walked away from kiana reeves as we know he is the most stable man i was obsessed with heath ledger but also this is like another delusion thing right where you're like there is a celebrity who i find really attractive and he did this really romantic thing in a rom-com to this girl so maybe that's what he's like that's not that's what he's like he's an actor playing a role and then what happens is that obsession about that one actor in that role seeps into your idea yeah of what you think you want in a relationship totally so like he ledger in that film uh had like long curly dark hair like gorgeous

eyes that was kind of into music 10 things i hate about you and was this was this guy and if you look at my very first boyfriend at school, match for match, everything. I wanted that. I wanted like Heath Ledger with the curly hair. That's why our generation is fucked because we grew up on American rom-coms with protagonists and actors that didn't look like us.

Well, my guy's got to be like this now. Like my whole life, I was, I told you, we talk about this in the show. I thought I was, my whole secondary school life, I thought I was Cher. And I thought I was going to meet Neo and Matrix and Johnny Depp. It's really interesting.

All the white men that I fancied, celebrity men, were all problematic. They've all got issues. But celebrity culture doesn't help that. Like, I remember being obsessed with Jason, obsessed with Matthew. That's when the fantasy, I became a fantasist from a very young age.

This obsession came the kind of beginnings of the obsession started the seed started when I was probably in primary school and then puberty hit

it blew up it's something about also like repetitive like stuff in your brain where you're like I want it again I want it again I want to do it again

I want to do it again and also you know when you like listen to a song a thousand times it's the same song over and over and over and over again. And you're like,

this is this good for me. Like it's, it's this familiar rhythm that you have in your head. And I feel that way about obsession. Cause you're just like, I'm expecting like I found with the obsessions I had when I was younger, I was like, it's never going to happen.

So I can just continue to enjoy this. And I can keep throwing out all this like energy towards this person. And like, nothing's going to happen. And actually that is a much safer place to be. And I feel feel like that's that's always the tragic thing about unrequited love because the truth is as a teenager if I had told Mr X that I like fancied him and he was like yes or no it would have done he could have destroyed the entire oh my god I do have a story about being obsessed with somebody and telling them and how awful it was at school there was a

guy at school in the year above me who had like curly hair and was really cool and he was in this like group of cool guys and for some reason I sound like a poundline Heath Ledger poundline Heath Ledger in every way and I just not cool and I was like obsessed like obsessed with him and my friend was obsessed with his friend you know when you sometimes do that at school you're like okay we're both gonna go out with them and this is gonna be like a fantasy this is totally gonna happen and I was really into like drawing comic books at the time I was really into like drawing comic books at the time. I was really into like drawing and I was drawing comic books with my friends

and was like illustrating this stuff. And I made him a comic book. Wow. Where in the comic strip story, he was a superhero that had x-ray vision and his curly hair made him fly. And I was in trouble and he saved me in the comic book. Oh my God, classic dancing industry. And I put it in his locker with my telephone number. Oh my God. And because he was in trouble, and he saved me in the comic book. Oh my God, classic dancing industry.

And I put it in his locker with my telephone number. Oh my God. And because he was in sixth form, he was about to go to university. This is so tragic. I can't believe I've remembered this. And then what happened? And then he called me,

and I was freaking out, so I didn't answer the phone, because I was like, oh my God, he's calling, he's calling, what do I do? He's calling, I can't handle it. Like, I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle this thing

that I'd put out into the universe. So what did you do? I think in the end, we sent a few text messages, and he thought I was like, he thing that I'd put out into the universe like universe so what did you do I think in the end we sent a few text messages and he thought I was like he actually thought I was some Asian kid in his year who was a guy because he was like I thought he sent this to me because he's like clearly obsessed with me I don't even really know who you are oh my god he thought you were a boy he thought I was an Asian boy in his year did he like you did he continue want to continue we sent a few messages and then it kind of just like died down I can't actually remember how it ended but I remember

I suppose that story you're almost saved by the fact that he went to uni right because if he was still in school you're just like dealing with the fucking

gotta see you every day but it's kind of cool that he messaged I mean I was expecting a much worse ending to that story no nothing really came of it it was very dead in the water

I mean he was like I'm going to uni I don't really know who you are and bye you know and I was like yeah fine I would love to tell those two boys

that I was obsessed with I was obsessed with you yeah I will have you ever been so obsessed with something you've like made them something though because I remember thinking like I put so much effort into that comic book because I was with a partner and that's evidence yeah oh interesting because that that if it's in my mind and there's nothing tangible then it's not real yeah yeah um then you have receipts then then and and like what's the most I won't lie to you like it was it was definitely um flirting but then I flirt with everyone badly um in a you know not an appropriate chat but like my intentions were not pure so if I was started making them something also you love making stuff I'm just I love just talking and I don't like making things but the other thing I was going to say is I loved this is how bad my

obsession got you know I have trouble sleeping I have insomnia it was made worse with this obsession because I would love I loved going to bed I looked forward to going to bed so I could lie there and that's when my fantasies and my dreams would start the scenarios everything would start wow at night and then it got really bad and then dreams would start. The scenarios, everything would start. Wow. At night. And then it got really bad and then it would just come into the day. So I was cooking or I'm working and I just, like, my mind would wander and I'd come back.

Did you ever fantasize about that person when they're in the room with you? When they're in the room with me, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Oh my God, yes. Yeah, yeah. Especially when they weren't giving me any attention, if they weren't talking to me.

Every thought was occupied by them when I was deep in it. That's why I'm like, obsession is fucking dangerous, man. It drives people to do insane things. The Everyday Hustle on Asian Network with Sonia Barlow. It's a show to help you get started,

get ahead and get rich. Whether you've already got your own business or you need some help to get started. But it's not my stories. I want to hear from other entrepreneurs, other hustlers. What do they do? How did they begin? What did they get wrong? And most importantly, what do they want to share? The Everyday Hustle on Asian Network with Sonia Barlow. Listen now on the BBC Sounds app.

When was the last time you could sense that somebody was obsessed with you? Oh, um... Just like yesterday? No, no. If I got a sense that somebody was obsessed with me, I'd feel a bit unsafe, a bit... I haven't, actually. I've never felt anyone's been obsessed with me.

And if they have been obsessed with me, they've hidden it really well. But I think those two people would never know that I been obsessed with me. And if they have been obsessed with me, they've hidden it really well. But I think those two people would never know that I was obsessed with them. That's the other thing. There was one recurring guy who, like, would regularly message me and check in on me across, like, a...

What, a date? No, like, I'd say, like, a 12-year period of, like, being regularly in touch just in case I was, like, single again. Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, it depends. In my 20ss I'd be like so romantic in my 30s you'd be like you're a fucking stalker fuck off right now in my 40s if I'm single I'd be like I'm desperate so yeah let's go but I wonder if that's how things work because

like I'm in a relationship and I'm perfectly happy but sometimes when I meet someone I'm like in another life that could be kind of nice oh I'm not like obsessed with them but I'm like oh I can see that guy one a hundred percent if he was single and he's not single if he was single and he's never he's never listed this podcast but if he does was so bad then I could definitely see uh something for sure like he's got a brilliant personality but i'm obsessed with my best friend yeah like i love her madly deeply and our relationship has been going since i was born yeah and we've had some good times and some really awful times and some drunk arguments that have led to like us not talking for periods but something about our connection draws us back to each other like a fucking magnet even when we don't want to boom around back and

we are so different yeah and we come from different parts of like london with very different upbringings with like very different opinions on the world yeah but actually something about us being together like click clicks in i don't know it just always has yeah i i wouldn't say that i'm i i wouldn't say i'm obsessed with my girlfriends. I'm in love with them. I don't see, because of my experience with obsession, my experience with obsession, obsession has really deep negative connotations. I don't, does it always? Because I feel like you're obsessed with,

I feel like if you're obsessed with a TV show, not so negative, that's fine. That feels quite standard. Or if you're also like, I feel like also I'm quite obsessed with love, like the idea of love, talking about love about love being in love i am obsessed with that like actually i like that i'm kind of into this podcast because i love talking about like human dynamics like i have an obsession about people and like how we all come together i don't necessarily

see that as negative i see that as like a driver for a lot of things i'm talking about obsession with people obsessing about one person romantic yeahantic, yeah. Obsessing over a partner, oh sorry, obsessing over a man or a woman in a romantic way where it's unrequited, where basically like

the way we were obsessing over these men. Do you know who I'm a little bit obsessed with that I think is turning unhealthy? This feels like quite a revelation because I think it's a bit weird

that I'm obsessed with her. But my partner once told me that he thought I looked like Chloe Sevigny really early on in our relationship. Oh, she's fucking cool. She's weird looking but she really early on in our relationship. Oh, she's fucking cool. She's weird looking, but she's cool.

She's not weird looking. She's so cool. She's weird. But anyway, I am obsessed with her. So because I'm like, oh, he thinks I look like her, maybe I can like kind of model a bit of myself on her. She's really cool. I obsessively follow her and like everything she does. And may have set up a Google Alert for her the other day.

Is that a weird thing to do? I was like, I don't want to go and search for the content. I just want it to come to me. So accidentally, when your partner's on your computer and he's got your Gmail open or whatever the fuck, and he's like, Chloe Sevigny alert, Chloe Sevigny alert, 15,000 alerts. Chloe Sevigny is so dumb.

Yeah, it's weird as well because I only have two Google Alerts out. One's for my name. Classic, I've got one for my name in Bramble's YouTube. Yeah, I's weird as well because I only have two Google Alerts out. One's for my name. Classic. I've got one for my name and one for my name. I know when things are coming out and I'm like, I'm Chloe Semenyo.

This is interesting because you have an active, let's call it a light obsession. A light. It's light. It's a liberal light. Obsession is like GCSE level. Beginning, advanced,

and then, what's the beginning one? Beginner? Beginner. Beginner, intermediate, advanced? Is that what you're trying to say? Yeah, but I don't think it's beginner. Amateur hang on. What's the beginning one? Beginner? Beginner. Beginner, intermediate, advanced? Is that what you're trying to say? Yeah, but I don't think it's beginner. Amateur?

No, it's not. Amateur. Foundation. Thanks for using Garnier. Amateur. Beginner. Foundation. Foundation.

This is a foundation level, like in terms of active accession, yeah. I think one step up would be if you, like, I don't know, bought the exact same clothes as her. Or, like, tried to buy her hair off eBay. That's advanced. Too much. That's advanced. You're buying her a hair off eBay, you're about to go into jail. That's, like, way up there, mate.

No, man. Surely the guy who's selling her hair on eBay is the one that's going to jail. I'm just a consumer. Selling her hair? That's, like that's going to jail. I'm just a consumer. Selling her hair? That's like, that's an entrepreneur. They're smart. You're like sniffing it. How did he acquire her hair?

You're like, got a voodoo doll. Close of any of you listening, not that you would be, or I do not need your hair. Just your friendship. Well, let's check our fan mail. Shall I log into our email account? Oh, here we go. I believe we got a message. Except it's not for us.

It's for the Shaggy Aunties. No. You've reached the Shaggy Aunties call centre center want advice you can't ask your real aunties for like how do you ask for what you want in bed not sure which hole is a goal where do anal beads really go have you been faking orgasms your whole adult life accidentally called your boss daddy is your longtime love not going down south for more more than just the tip, we're here for you. Yes, you. And you.

And you. Get comfy. This is a long one. Hey, guys. Firstly, I want to say a massive thank you for keeping me constantly entertained, empowered, and teaching me to love myself just a little more over the last year. You guys are genuinely awesome. So my dilemma is this.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years and it's a great relationship. Before we got together, he slept around a lot and hadn't been in a relationship in a long time. And I had never dated anyone, but we instantly clicked and it quickly became a serious relationship. However, throughout the relationship, he's joked about wanting to casually sleep with other women while still being with me, mostly because he has much higher sex drive than me. Then the other day, he told me he was serious about wanting to sleep with other women. He said he would never do anything unless I was comfortable with it

and would always pick me and our relationship over these fantasies and that he genuinely saw a future with me. I told him that at the moment I wasn't comfortable with him hooking up with other people. I'm generally not a jealous person and I know he genuinely loves me, but there'll always be that fear that he might meet someone he likes better or he might decide he misses the single life. But now I'm feeling guilty like I'm holding him back. I love and trust him and truly see a future with him,

but I don't want him to grow to resent me over this or realise he's unhappy much later down the line. I definitely don't want him to grow to resent me over this or realize he's unhappy much later down the line. I definitely don't want to end things, but I'm also not comfortable with opening the relationship at the moment. Any thoughts on the situation would be great. Thanks again. Love you, girls. Oh, sweet. God, there's a lot going on here.

I mean, I think this is really interesting. So, like, he's single and slept around. He has a high sex drive they get together they're in a relationship and she's like she notices he wants more he's asked for he's told him he wants to open the relationship he's not ready for it um I want to know more about her reticence and opening the relationship because she says uh she wasn't right she's not a jealous person and that she feels secure she knows that he loves her but she fears that he might meet someone he likes better or he might decide he misses the single life and all i have to say to

her is in an open relationship or a close relationship that can happen at any moment yeah that can happen at any moment so um here's what i've got to say to this listener uh and i'm just drawing on some parallels to my past relationship if my ex-partner was okay with us opening up the relationship I'd probably still be with him interesting and I and this guy I rate him he went one better than me and actually told her but you could and asked I did not I was too cowardly and maybe he could after two years 10 years you're just like I know he's gonna say no I know he's gonna say no and why bother right but I didn't have the guts I wasn't brave enough to say that but I my god I was thinking it which led to the obsession right yeah it all feeds

in it's an it's an ecosystem and if you don't talk and he obviously tried and she said no so you've obviously talked about it I would keep talking and what you're what she's reticent about him meeting someone else wanting the single life She needs to keep talking because I hate saying this to her and she's not going to like it. That's not going away. His interest in opening up the relationship is not going away. He'll respect her for now and he'll be like, cool, this is what you want to do.

I take it on board. But she needs to talk to him about, I don't think he knows why she doesn't want to open it up. Maybe she told him or maybe, but it sounds like she sort of gave him. I don't think he knows why she doesn't want to open it up. Maybe she told him or maybe, but it sounds like she's sort of given. I don't think she knows why. And actually, I think a lot of the time people are scared about opening up their relationships because they think that it means something it doesn't. Yeah. Like whatever situation you have in your relationship or discussions you have between yourself, that's all that matters. Every, every date, every date, every guy I've spoken to who's unbelievably monogamous but

will cheat right when I've said to them I want an open relationship not necessarily with them but I want to go into an open relationship in the future they're like oh not for me not for me I couldn't do it I couldn't do it because there is this this urban myth that they're going to go and find someone better and they're going to fuck you and leave you and it's like it's just simply not the case the thing is that will happen even if you're in a closed relationship all I'm saying to her is like her fears

of him being much more interested in the single life or wanting to sleep with somebody else and running off with somebody else every person

in any relationship no longer has relationships yeah like any like I'm not in an open relationship my partner could easily leave me for somebody else like or want to be single again.

And it's one of the, this is exactly what I say to these guys. It's one of the biggest misconceptions. If you're going to cheat, you're going to cheat regardless. So surely you should keep talking and having a dialogue and communicating. This is on his mind and it's not going to go away. But also if you're not comfortable with being in an open relationship, that's also fine. Yeah, that's also fine too.

Not for me. Let's see how this runs. Yeah. I think you're right. Just keep having the dialogue. And maybe, instead of opening the relationship up

on his side, why don't you open your relationship with the twos of you and get somebody else involved, right? So you can do some of the legwork with sex,

but if your sex drive is dead at the end of the day, why don't you just invite somebody else into the bedroom? See how that rolls for a bit. That's what he wants. No, he wants to open his relationship and go and sleep with other people. That's what I'm understanding, right?

I assume that if he was doing it, she could go fuck someone else. It doesn't sound like she wants to. Yeah, no, totally. But I'm not saying that they sleep with other people. I'm saying they sleep with each other, but invite somebody else. Oh, like a threesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A threesome, a foursome, an orgy, a gangbang.

Well, there's lots of different ways you can skin this. Foundation advanced. You just went... Yeah, oh my God, yeah. A gang bang. Well, there's lots of different ways you can skim this. Foundation advanced. You just went... Yeah, oh my God, absolutely. They could be doing that. And it's baby steps, right? Like you talk about... And also with these sorts of...

Especially when you're thinking about opening things up, it's rules and it's respect and it's trust. And in all honesty to this listener, it doesn't sound like you're... Everyone I've spoken to who've done open relationships, polyamory and ENRs, you know, those ethically non-monogamous relationships. They're like, you have to be fucking solid and go like you have to be in a good place. And open relationships, they don't last forever. It opens and closes.

There's a window. Maybe it's a couple of months and then you close, you start again. It doesn't go on forever. It's not like on a continuum where it's like in perpetuity, if that's the word, forever till you die. I think it's interesting for her to be questioning why she doesn't want to open it up a bit more. She needs to tell him that.

And unpack that a bit more for herself. And it's fine if she reaches the conclusion that it's not for her as well. And it's not for loads of people and that is completely okay because you know what you'll probably find somebody who wants to be with you and doesn't want an open relationship

like there's somebody out there for everyone also side note I have been advertised some really interesting female Viagra on Instagram so if her sex drive is low and she'd like to boost it there are plenty of other ways that you could go into

like female Viagra if anyone's listening and they have tried female viagra please can you email us and let us know what that feels like i'm also curious to know why instagram is advertising that to me yeah did you sound like if you were listening telephone if you were listening it must have been something ishan said on brown boys do it too because he talks about viagra maybe you just nonchalantly just put it in your phone and then you're fucked yeah yeah yeah anyway that's all for now thanks for listening if you have any thoughts questions or dilemmas for the shaggy aunties auntie g's aunts you can email us at

brown girls do it too at bbc.co.uk or you can send us a whatsapp or voice note to 07968100822 that's 07968100822 bye greetings and a gracious welcome to the podcast palace of pressed. My name, Lady Adeola Patron. Countess of you know the vibes already. My name is Madame Mariam Musa. The Duchess of Unproblematic. Charmed, I'm sure. You know what I am feeling? Royally pressed.

Okay, wigs off, girls. Let's get lit. Press is the podcast where you get to air what has you guys pressed and what gets us pressed. No apologies round here. We said what we said, period. We keep it real, babes. Pressed.

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