Brown Girls Do It Too - Is Taha Shah a Bad Boy?

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

Is chivalry still important or is it an out-of-date concept? Does Taha see himself as a bad boy? What exactly is a naked cuddle? Bollywood actor Taha Shah Badussha who starred in the hit Netflix show Heeramandi joins Poppy and Rubina to talk about dating as a 'realistic romantic', how chivalry is important in all relationships and what Taha's love language is. Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail] you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. Hello, you are listening to us on the Brown Girls Do It Too podcast. Before we start, we want to tell you that there are a lot of rude abuses used here. If you don't like this, then stop listening here. If you're not a bilingual babe, then we just told you in Urdu that this podcast contains strong language and themes of an adult nature. You've been warned. This is a podcast about sex. At least it started off like that.

Now we talk about everything. Everything is sex. And sex is everything. And that includes our mistakes, our heartbreaks. And our hot, hot, hot, hot takes. Brown girls do it too. That includes our mistakes, our heartbreaks, and our hot, hot, hot, hot takes. I'm Robina, and the most chivalrous thing I've done is drawn a full comic book for someone I fancied at school. Big romantic here.

I'm Poppy, and the most chivalrous thing I've done is let a man come first. So I'm basically chivalrous all the time. Probably all women are. And all women are. Yeah. Do you like it when a man like opens doors for you and pulls out chairs for you? Is that something you're into?

It's something I'm into if he's hot. And if he's ugly, would you be into that? I'd be like, I'd make a note of it, but I'd ideally love it when they're hot.

If they're good looking and they did that, I'd be like, get in. But if they didn't do it, would you care? No, I wouldn't care either way. But I would notice a man doing it now

because I think especially, I think women have pushed away from that. Some women have pushed away from that. But I actually am a bit old school that way. You like a bit of traditional chair holding. But if I don't get it, I don't care. It's not like I need it in my day to day. But when a man does it now, especially in this day and age,

when Gen Z are burning shit down and everyone's like, free the nip and hairy arms and like fuck all the old conventions of old I think it's really hard to argue to be in an equal

relationship with somebody and ask for like equal rights within your relationship but also be like but I need you to pull out the chair for me I need you to open the door for me because I feel like that

kind of undermines your argument when you're like I would like for us to contribute 50-50 to this relationship but I still want you to open the door for me well could you not open the door for them as well but then so then you're both just

standing there at the door being like no you no you no you no you you know what you know why what I think when I think about chivalry I think of like big I don't know why like that old school old school really masculine well it's like a medieval term yeah yeah it's like I'm your knight in shining armor I will shield you with a literal shield and a sword yeah but i think of like the the expectations that that places like bollywood give you about chivalry oh and i think it could be because she could be gum right that man stopped speaking to his family for 20 years what a fucking loser so that he could be with this girl i mean that is like the level the depth of sacrifice like that's kind of what i don't like about bollywood is like it's always about sacrifice

so you gotta walk into a fucking pyre of fire to show someone you love them I know why can't you just go to the pub with them

or like go bowling just walk around is that fair today what's the big deal we just love the drama do you know what I mean it's like I'm fucking disowned

by the family we just love dramatics do you know what it reminds me of it makes me think of all those people that do those really dramatic

engagement proposal type scenarios on TikTok or on anywhere on the internet. And like in that moment for them, it's the most romantic thing ever, right? And they videoed them outside a beach or like on the London Eye or whatever shit. I'm sitting there being like, you guys are so fucking lame.

Like I never ever will find the romance in that. Is that bad of me? Does that mean I'm dead inside? No, but it's it speaks to the generation that we live now like you have your moment for you but you have your moment for everyone else as well so it's like more private I think sometimes chivalry and I don't want to say misogyny but they're sometimes bedfellows they kind of sometimes go hand in hand not intentionally badly but they fit and mold in a way where one leads to the other do you know what i mean yeah i completely agree that's why i don't really like the term that's why yeah and when someone says chivalry i'm like no i think i like it and and if and if a hot guy did it i definitely like it but like i i do but up to a point and if it was

every day all the time constant it'd be like, stop. Okay. There's that really good bit in Pretty Women where he climbs up the, he's in the limo, he has the roses, it's the final scene. He climbs up the building,

he goes to the balcony and he's like, here I am, your knight in shining armor and I'm coming up here to save you. You know, what's going to happen next?

And she kisses him and she's like, I save you right back. Yes. And you're like, that's the problem. We're not like women in ivory towers

that need saving from the dragon because guess what? just those times just aren't saving ourselves you know that iconic shirt clip where her mum says to her don't you want to find a rich man and she's like i am a rich man yeah and it's like that is exactly how i feel about my life yeah exactly i'm not rich but like i'm rich experience and life yeah the chivalrous idea of like needing to be saved within the medieval context of these like kind of old ritual stories right they were stories it's just not like the world doesn't like that and it's interesting chivalry the biggest connotation with chivalry i associate is with being saved

yeah like the woman needs help or saving like the damsel in distress bollywood she couldn't possibly open the door for herself because her hands are too delicate she couldn't possibly pull out her own chair but that is what it's rooted in yeah and so for for me it will always be a bit awks because I'll be like dude like we're not living in that time anymore where that's okay and if you see me as such a delicate flower that I can't open up my own door you probably don't think I'm as smart as you you probably don't think I earn as much money as you you know there's probably there's underlying if I was a guy right here I'd be like you're deeping it i just want to be do something nice and open a door for you like why can't i do that yeah yeah yeah exactly it goes both ways

exactly there's like psycho bitch who doesn't worry about me standing there at the door he's opening and be like what does this mean for you like i am a feminist let's unpack this right now you are i i you know what men can't win i feel sorry for them they can't win i kind of agree i think ch You know what? Men can't win. I feel sorry for them. They can't win. I kind of agree. I think chivalry is like a really loaded term. And I feel sorry for men who try to do anything like that because they are playing ball in a different time where women are literally like, what did you mean by that?

And rightly fucking so. I'm sorry. Rightly fucking so. We are still living in a time where we get underpaid. Yeah. We are treated worse. Agreed. Like there is still so much shit going on.

Don't open a door help us with the gender pay gap you know what I mean give me your salary give me 60% of your salary and then we'll be good exactly joining us today

is someone who has won over millions playing Taj Darbalosh on Netflix's hit show Hir Hirmandi. And has pretty much everyone swooning in their seats. Swooning? Swooning.

Are we swooning in our seats? Swooning. And has pretty much everyone swooning in their seats. It's Taha Shah Badushah. Welcome. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.

Welcome to our studio. Do you have lots of people swoon at you? No, swoon. They're just swooning. They're just swooning. They're just swooning on for me. Have you have lots of people swoon at you? No, soon. They're just soon. They're just sooning. They're just sooning on for me. Have you ever swooned over somebody else? Is there anyone that you swoon over?

I guess when I was in my teenage, I guess I was swooning over one or two girls. So you're less swoony now? So much more. Any Bollywood actresses that you're still a swooner over? They've all become colleagues. So it's like

it's different. Is it weird now because they used to swoon over them and have this teenage pressure now you're like I mean I would

swoon over I guess at that moment of time would be people who are much older than me. Yeah. Kajal.

Right. Yeah. Yeah of course. I still swoon over Kajal. She hasn't changed so your character Tajda who I think when I first

in the first episode you're like smooth talking chivalrous romantic gentleman are you like that in real life do they ven the characters? I think my mom's taught me chivalry and over time I guess it's uh

it's something it's not for me it's not about I need to and it's not just for women for me like it's if it's for my team I would yeah you know let them go so it's not just like romantic settings yeah it's not about being for me chivalry is giving respect it can be for anybody right um it can be for women it can be for mothers it can be for children um or your your teammates your friends so i so yes i think it's very important to be chivalrous that means to be kind to be respectful right so that you get respect right and what did your mom do to teach you those values? What about her? I'm just because, you know, I'm pregnant. Might as well get some tips.

What did she teach you that made you? She would just do it. People don't want to do what you're being told to do. It's what they want to do, they'll do, right? So then if you don't tell them, but you show them, then they'll think that that's the right way to do it. So you lead by example. Yeah.

You lead by example. But also your character is very charming. That I am. You do seem quite charming. You have quite an allure about you entering the room. Yeah, a certain gravitas. I kind of sometimes wish that I had that when I walked into a room. You entered and I was like, I wonder if people see me the way that I just see you.

I think you've got some extra gravitas. I definitely have some extra gravity, that's for sure. How has life been since Hiramandi? Like, it's obviously propelled you into the limelight. It's a massive show. The set piece, it's like incredible. Like, how's your life? Have you adjusted to the spotlight?

You know, they say you have to live it before you become it. Right? You know, they say you have to live it before you become it. Right. So I feel that your mind is very incredible space to be in. And when you're there and you let your imagination kind of take over and you start imagining where you are, how you're placed, how people might come to you, recognize you, how you would be on stage. So you think of all these things, right, as an actor, as a performer. So it's something that I've manifested, I've attracted. So now when it happens, it's not for me to be adjusting. For me, it's more about how can I give back more, right?

And in my head, the last 15 years, I've always had a belief that one day I will strike gold, right? Or it will just fall on my head, but something will happen, gold's going to come in my head, the last 15 years, I've always had a belief that one day I will strike gold. Right. Or it will just fall on my head. But something will happen. Gold is going to come in my life. All right. So I think that that's the moment I've been and my mom has been dreaming and, you know, working towards.

So, you know, I think it's very normal and I'm feeling very excited. That's so cool. So you just you manifested that this might happen to you. You believed that you had kind of a higher purpose or a kind of bigger thing coming your way and it just happened. You have to.

How will you survive if you don't? You've got to believe in yourself. I mean, you've got to believe in yourself but more than that, you've got to be unrealistic. I was so unrealistic

that my brother thought I was a joke. When you say unrealistic, what do you mean? Like you had big ambitions? So let's say unrealistic what do you mean like you had big ambition so let's say I would do an audition right uh I would say this is the best audition like nobody can do it like you know what I mean it's blind faith I see but again blind faith not coming from ego okay but coming from I have put in the most amount of work on this that's why

it's the best I have not wasted a single minute i don't have anything that i can look back and say i wish i had done this better no i have nothing that means i have put in my 100 right and only i know that only each of us know that whether we have put in 100 or not so when i have that in my head i go and i'm so unrealistic he's like but how do he's a very practical man realistic he's like yeah but other people might have done the same thing i'm like nope i'm the best you know like i i'm telling you i i'm the hardest worker and he used to be um very pessimistic about it but um now after this happened after hira monday happened it's a big blessing the way he speaks has changed right

now I tell him like if I tell him the ceiling he would say the sky I'm like you know I can you know maybe I can do this he's like not maybe

this will happen oh wow you see his way of his way of communicating has changed so now he's going to because whenever I speak to my nephew

alright he's like no I hope that I can do it you will do it I am doing it and then he's like, no, I hope that I can do it. You will do it. I am doing it. And then he's like, he looks at me, I am doing it.

I'm like, yes, you are. I am. You are. Do you have that sort of mentality when you're approaching women? Like when you walk into a room, you're like, I am the Don. Like the way you walked in today,

you're like, Jesus. You look a bit like an Asian Jesus. An Asian 21st century modern Jesus. You're like a modern Jesus. Oh my God. An Asian Jesus would look like you. The way you walked in, I was like,

we've never had a celebrity Don walk in. We were like, did we bow down? It is a true. It's like, what do we do? I don't know what's going on. The way you carry yourself.

It's the way you carry yourself. I feel like I'm in a cult and now I need to like worship you. Usually when people, we would just stumble in here, but you were just like, yeah, hi. Asian Jesus.

So do you have that sort of mentality when you're approaching women? Like, I am the Don and you will know in about 10 seconds. Two very different approaches happen. There was, there's a time that I I genuinely I don't know I you know you you don't choose love yeah you know it just like it just happens and it comes like a wave right so when that happens then I don't know all this so-called dawn and or so-called walking and everything goes out the window because then I'm all for her yeah right and I've been there the knees and you've got muscle on your stomach and you're like saying all sorts of shit. Drooling. Drooling?

Sooning, sorry. Sooning. Not sooning. Well, a bit of drool. I suppose you can play it cool and then if you really like someone, it goes on. I mean, you should. I think that nowadays it's not what it used to be in the past or in the times of Hiramandi where you actually like somebody, you go there know if you have the courage to say it you say it but um it's very genuine right you don't you're not being scared of putting yourself out there yeah right now I'm very scared all right I am putting yourself out there yeah yeah because because uh some most of the time people don't

appreciate you going all the way there's? there's always you come one step I come one step yeah that's true you know I'm not following do you like that or do you prefer that? no I don't

I didn't know that for me if I like you I go all out oh I see I'm running towards you sprinting towards you slow down bro and they're running away from you

yeah they're running away from you they are it is it is it is but is that because you think like in modern culture now we're much more like I will show you

that I like you then you can show me that you like me exactly what you're saying a bit and a bit but you're much more all in you're like an old you're like a proper romantic

an old romantic yeah yeah yeah that's exactly that's messed up what's the no it's not messed up what's the most romantic

thing that you've done what's the most chivalrous romantic thing the most romantic thing that you've done? What's the most chivalrous romantic thing that you can say that you've done? I think that it's not a certain thing or a materialistic thing that you can buy or you can do or like put balloons up. I mean, I've done all that, but... Expensive balloons. For me, I think I value time. I highly value my time, right?

And I don't want to invest my time anywhere except where I want to invest it. Right? So I don't want to turn around and say, oh, man, why did I go there? I wasted two hours. I invest my time. So I think for me, the most chivalrous thing for me to do is basically dedicate 24 hours to you oh wow right like i become secondary your needs your dreams you know what you want in life whatever capabilities i have i will use it to propel you forward oh wow you do go for the full 110 don't you yeah and and then sometimes you get kicked in the okay Okay, so when you said earlier that this messed you up,

what do you mean? Like, is it not as in it's not what... People don't appreciate it. Yeah. Because you look at it like, you know, like she just said, stop, right? Sometimes I'm accepting it might just be very overbearing. I don't like a needy guy.

Right. I don't like someone who's too... Like, shows me that they're so into me. I want like a bit of like a chasey guy Right I don't like someone Who's too Like shows me That they're so into me I want like a bit of like Chase Or a bit of like Yeah see

That's the psychology Which comes in And many people Don't know that I've studied that now After getting it Yeah Making those mistakes

I find like a combination Of the two On a Monday I might like a full romantic On a Tuesday I'm like Stand over there You know what I mean

It's like You see but the thing is That it's very rare to find a true romantic but when you do you you know that this person's not going anywhere you know and if somebody is blessed to have that and then value that right especially when you connect not only let's say on a physical level let's say, on a physical level. Let's say it's more than that. It's intellectual. It's emotional. You have that. But yet this guy is all in. It's not that you don't have that.

And this guy is needy, needy, needy. And you're like, oh, man, I don't like talking to this guy. No, you love him. He's incredible. Yeah. She's incredible. I'm definitely an all in kind of girl. Yeah, for sure.

That's great. I think at the start. I hope you find the gap. I mean I actually the right gap I'm not looking for an all in kind of guy now right now I'm looking for fun

but when I'm eventually falling in love I do want all of it but I think at the start when you meet somebody and you're you're kind of showing each other

your cards you know you're like this is who I am these are my values this is what's important to me these are yours for me it's much more of like a bat and ball thing

at the start you're like okay okay, cool. Are you into that? Am I into that? You know, I'm not going in for somebody if I don't know that. And when once I know, I mean, I know, I make a commitment, you know, like I think I'm all in when I'm in. But at the start, those first initial moments, like when you're sussing somebody out, it's

really hard. Have you had your heart broken? Because you wouldn't go in. Sure, sure. You wouldn't go in straight away again. Once you've had your heart broken once, you're a little bit more, right? Yeah. Would that affect you?

Yeah, no, but I feel that my heart was broken when I was about 17, 18 years old. Yeah. Like that was like my childhood, you know, crush or love or whatever. And that didn't turn out very good. So then that just left a sour taste. And then that just changes you as a person. And then you don't believe in love. And then you start believing in love.

There's a lot of up and down. Then the definition of love changes. Then it becomes a more mature love. But then you have to understand, what do you, what is, what, what is, what do you work in? What do you want? You know, what kind of life do you want?

Where do you want to live? Settle down. How many children? All that's a different conversation, different, different life. Right. So it's different times and you have different loves there are people who have to be there to break your heart because when your heart is broken then at that time just just god just blesses you with a big like uh like a dose of motivation for the person or it can really like get you down into depression right there's two energies how you

convert that energy is up to you. Your choice. Many people can go down that way and not do well. Some other people use that as fuel. Has anyone ever made you, in a relationship or someone you fancy, has anyone ever made you cry? I don't think it's the other person who makes you cry. It's you who makes yourself cry because of the image that you

have of the other person deep very deep it is right you you i do feel like we're all stoned here anyone else yeah i i i think i've created or whenever i've been in a romantic relationship i think that we create images of that person and we then endow it with all the best things that we think this person should be for us. And then we expect those things from them. And then expectations kill you, right? So yeah, you have to be without expectations,

be complete within yourself, right? So many things. There's so many things to actually be in a complete relationship. Yeah. You're giving me like wise old sage vibes. Yeah, you are. Like how old are you? Do you mind me asking?

I think I'm the same age as you guys. No. Yeah. You're born in 87. I already Googled that. Oh, yeah. November. I'm a bit young.

I'm a bit older than you because I'm 87 too. But you are behaving like you're 105 you have this real maturity about how you're approaching this like I mean I've

learned it I'm telling you I went to YouTube and I've learned it I've learned it like what are these games and how is one supposed to play it

I have to because I didn't know it also it's like when you experience so many different types of love like you were saying like I after my ex-partner I definitely the kind of love I want is what I've said to you like slow and you grow together and then you have these roots and they are they go they go deeper into the ground and they're like I'm not I don't prescribe to like combustible love I don't think that's real. Do you know what I mean?

Hallmarks of a toxic relationship is when you meet someone, you're like, but then it implodes on itself. So I think you need a bit of that though. When you meet somebody, you know, with chemistry, like fire. But you need spark, obviously. Yeah, definitely. You can't just like. But you can't have fire into your 90s

because that's not what you're going to want, right? When you're in your 90s, you want someone who's going to hold your hand and watch TV with you. I might want a little bit of fire. You don't want too much fire. You don't want prefer this guy or leather jacket motorbike guy who maybe might take drugs and sleep with your best friend gentleman v bad boy yeah yeah i i wish i would know so much about women. I really wish.

No, I would not be able to speak on behalf of women, to be very honest. I think they're quite encrypted. That's a polite word. Yeah, it's very, very, very difficult to understand. But I can say that women, although being very complicated for men to understand, they're the ones who kind of drive everything. I know in my family, I'm a single mom and yeah, man, she's powerful. Women are powerful, powerful creatures. And I'm so blessed to get you guys all women. I get really excited when I meet men who have a brother.

Is it just you and your brother? It is. It is just me and my brother. So, no, I was that when I was growing up, actually, when I was 19, 18, 19, 20. I think at that point of time in Dubai, you know, you're growing up, you think you're all cool. Right. So at that time, it was my leather jacket phase. Oh face oh yeah everyone goes through a bad boy slash bad girl phase don't they right no but but uh I feel like that's good for movies but in life um I think it's better to be kind and respectful and not all into yourself and being a stud boy and I've been cast so much as stud boy or like I hate it.

I've never picked a role ever again like that. But in all honesty, if a really nice woman was to walk in here and she looked very kind and sweet and then another badass woman was about to drive in here

on a motorbike in a leather jacket smoking, which one would you go and speak to first? The first one is coming in with what exactly? Maybe a briefcase? But are they equally pretty?

Equally pretty, just different aesthetic. And they're bringing you a different energy, right? One of them's like, hi, I'm really stable. I'm really kind. Okay, okay, like that, yeah. And the other one's like, I could kill you. The other one's definitely slightly different. Again, it depends on how she is.

She knows that right now she wants to have fun. And what you're looking for, I guess, right? Yeah, it really depends on what you're looking for at that moment of time. I mean, some people might look at the second one and be like, what is she doing? Some people look at her and say, oh, wow, I need some fire in my life. I need some excitement in my life. And then they choose her. So it really depends on the space that you're in right now.

And where are you at? Right now. You specifically in this moment. Are you choosing motorbike lady or briefcase lady? Are you driving off into the sunset

or are you getting a mortgage? I would want to drive off to the sunset to be very honest. I love being in love. Right. Like I said,

it can't, you can't find it. It has to find you. Yeah. So at this moment of time, my complete focus has just been on making myself relevant internationally and in my market because it's taken me 15 years

and it's been 15 years of my mom just like hustling her way through and like sacrifices that all my family has been doing. My friends, my team has been doing. So it's now not time for me to like get distracted. Right. So right now you're focused on your career. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if I, I wouldn't be giving time to her.

Yeah. Right. I literally cannot. And you're all about quality time. Yes. And I'm all about building that up if I really want to. Right. And that takes effort. That takes time. Do you see a difference with British Asian women compared to Indian Indian women? I don't know what else you'd call them. Indian Indian women who are from India and live in India and are Indian culturally than us who are, we've got like a British culture. We've got, we're Asian, I'm Indian.

I'd say I'm Indian, but I'm British. Like, do you see a difference in the way that we behave or flirt or get into relationships? Is there any kind of thing that you've noticed in your travels? I haven't been here too long to notice how people date around here. I'm not much of a regular date kind of a person myself.

How do you meet women? I meet a lot of women. I mean, I saw you meet women i meet a lot of women i mean a lot of people a lot of places right so but um for me it's not it the date is like later much later if i have to but like i meet so many people and for me it's like if i laugh with somebody right and then i'm like this person's like smart at the same time she's uh you know you take 10-15 minutes you get to know what a person is right does she do fit does she go to sports is she not into sports um does she like her family does she not like her family does she live alone blah blah you understand where a basic understanding right and yet if you're like having a great time by laughing or you know you're you're you're able to share things and that person wants to listen to

you yeah and then she's sharing things and that person wants to listen to you and then she's sharing things and you want to listen to her then that's great right and that's just automatic I don't need to ask you out for that

that's just you know you just there's a there's a click you know a date is like I want to try to make this work

right a random interaction which just clicks right and there's something in that yeah that's true what are you like on a date

are you quite chivalrous are you like door opening paying for the first date all that stuff no I loved your honesty you're like

nah she can open her own fucking door you see it's not about that it's either you do this forever or you don't do it yeah

because everybody's going to try and put their best image out first so it's like what you know like 10 dates from now I'm not going to be

opening doors all the time right come on like you know I jump into having like almost like becoming a bro yeah

you know what I mean yeah that's exactly what I do. Yeah. If I cannot have that kind of freedom of speech and I'm like thinking about I have to say it this way

for her to like me, then bro, how? I can't. Yeah, you've got to be mates with them. That's exactly what you and I do, don't we? Yeah.

You've got to have the banter, the chat, otherwise. Yeah. And it's just so normal. It's like, you know, it's like open the door. You open the door. What are you talking about?

Go on. Yeah, I mean, it's exactly what you said at the start. Chivalry is not just about in a romantic relationship. It's about like respect for each other. It's like I can save you just as much as you can save me. I can pay for a meal just as much as you can pay for a meal. So like let's do that for each other like regularly and check in. And only when you have that, then it feels like you could be in an equal relationship.

Yeah. Also, do you think like when you have that sort of realism in romance, does it last longer? Like, does it feel more real? Because you're connected in a, you know, not in that kind of conventional romantic way, but like your friends, well, I mean, obviously you fancy each other, but your friends.

You're becoming friends. Yes. Yeah. So I would think it would last longer. I have made mistakes. I can tell you that I have. This is my new understanding. Right.

All right. Please impart some parts of wisdom to us. Otherwise, I was that person about showing the best image first. Right. But then that doesn't last. And right now in my life, I just want somebody who I can just really I want to just be completely honest with. And right off the bat as well. Right. Yeah, totally. You know, and yeah, that's if it finds me, great.

But I think realism doesn't need to necessarily necessarily like negate magic. No, not at all. You always need magic. Yeah. You always need magic. And, but like, you can still have that with somebody,

you know, like I've been in a relationship now for like almost 10 years. And I would say there is still a lot of magic there. There's still like a lot of stuff that I don't know how to verbalize. Like, I still don't really know what it is, but I still am very drawn to this person. I want to keep having their children.

Clearly. I still have something that brings me home every night and gets me really excited about seeing them. And like, you know, I run home to the door still. Right, right. And like, that's such a weird thing. Yeah, but that's a beautiful thing. And I don't know why.

But I think that's warmth. It's like a sanctuary. Like it's always, it's very difficult to find people you can meet and you can actually hang out with people for like a year even. But don't it's not that you don't feel safe around them it's just that um how people like to cuddle right it's it's very rare i think cuddling is something that you really want to do right everything else is like a chemistry just like you know firing inside you whatever you have to do all the things but in the end of it i feel that cuddles only come when you have genuine emotional feelings right and you feel really warm with that person it's like a teddy bear right and

you want you you're just like it's like you're a kid again and you're holding on to that teddy bear right so I believe that that's very rare to find you know but it's always it's always a big blessing when you do find that I think also we don't hug

friends enough I was thinking I'm a hugger I hug all the time like because you're so right there's such like a physical thing

when your bodies are like together and it's really warm and it like releases loads of really good chemicals it's really good for you as well to like have like physical touch with people and I and it like releases loads of really good chemicals it's really good for you as well to like have

like physical touch with people and I know sometimes like because I'm no no not people not people just the person they live

no no as in yeah I mean with your person you're going to be bare skinned oh yeah yeah I mean oh right naked cuddles we're talking about

naked cuddles I thought we were talking about cuddles with clothes on yeah I thought we were just like talking about spooning sorry did you naked cuddle. I thought you meant naked cuddle. I thought we were talking about cuddles with clothes on. Yeah, I thought we were just like talking about spooning. Sorry, did you naked cuddle your cuddly toys growing up?

Is that what that would do? I imagine that. Come to me, bear. Come to me, bear. Yogi bear. No, but I'm saying with your partner. Yeah. It's a different feeling.

Yeah, totally. Tactile, warm touch. It's like you're. Yeah. It's a different feeling. Yeah, totally. Tactile, warm touch. It's like you're so connected. It's special. What's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for you? Have you ever received a card that someone's made or some gift they've built for you? Is there anything that you've got and you're like,

wow, you really like me because you put a lot of effort into that? I mean, I've been blessed by having some you know some really great I would I wouldn't call it relationships but I've had uh you know friends and they are so kind to always um because for me at times it's very difficult to kind of become my friend because I'm not the kind of friend who will like remember your birthday and will, you know, be there all the time because I'm always like hustling, right? And I don't remember anybody's thing. Maybe my mom, of course, my mom, my brothers.

But other than that, like nobody's. And it's not that I don't want to, right? As soon as somebody tells me like this, then, you know, I'll make things happen for them. But to have friends even after they accept you the way you are. And when they do things like this, especially the people that I've been with. So I think the most romantic thing would have to be when they have spent all day maybe just decorating the house, candle lights and lighting at the right time.

So I make it the right time, you know, and then just actually cooking like a full on meal. That effort of actually being there, you know, and doing that. I think that's very nice. I mean, you can take it for granted, of course, that everybody, the wife needs to make food for you, which is like, OK. But that's an old mentality. I feel right now all of us can you know help each other with that and the other person puts in that kind of effort even though they don't like cooking all right um i think that means a lot um so you talked about switching out

of the bad boy persona and into this person that you are now and that youtube was very helpful what what kind of things did you learn to get you to this point? I still feel I'm a bad boy. Except I just don't wear leather jackets anymore. No, I think that when you're in such a fraternity, there's not one kind of image that you just kind of wear and you stick to. Every time, throughout the year, your image changes. You need to start dressing differently now. When you go back, they want like manly photos.

And that you will start wearing leather jackets, right? But the overall personality or my change of becoming somebody who's... Basically, I understood that everybody's heart breaks. All right. Whether you like it or not. Everybody's heart here is broken. Okay. So we're all in the same boat.

We just have to understand that those are lessons. And what we have done wrong, like I was chasing. So basically I became needy. All right. So I understand that now. Right. But I had to do that to then understand it, to be able to go and study something that I didn't know, which is basically how to manage great relationships. Right.

Personal relationships. I mean, I'm great at my work. Right. But personal relationships, I think it took me and it's still taking me time i need to i consistently keep reading understanding you know the five love languages you know whether it be jay shetty you know um a lot of things are nowadays on instagram to give you a lot of knowledge which comes through it on certain channels so check those out so i guess it gives you a well-rounded um understanding of how a relationship should be or um could be and also gives you different perspectives of how different people think like how she thinks is different than how you think right you're like one step one step and

she's like you know or i'm like let's go all out. So you start understanding. And then, of course, nowadays there's new terms. Relationship is there, great. But they have benching or something. They call it situation ship. Yeah, bench someone. Situation ship. Yeah.

So all those stuff, man. It's a minefield. It is a minefield. Yeah, somebody's like, you don't want to be in a situation. I'm like, what ship? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Social media is a minefield. Yeah, somebody's like, you don't want to be in a situation where I'm like, what ship? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Social media is all about that. They love labels.

I watch this thing on TikTok called couples therapy. And it's basically a couples therapist who's just giving multiple couples who have agreed to have their therapy video. That's insane. And it's actually really insightful because it's like finding that different things.

And one thing that you said earlier just reminded me of it where you said like expectation is like the death of a good relationship it's like stop projecting all your expectations onto this person this image that you have of this person and like see them as the person they are um that's like a big therapy thing and that's apparently like really good for family relationships too like you have these expectations of what your parents should be like anyway your mum sounds cool your mum sounds absolutely i want to come back to quickly love languages what are your love languages we know time is one of them food i think you're a food

person as well i mean i'm not a foodie i mean i like my i i'm my my lifestyle is very bland to be very honest it's just you have boiled vegetables brown rice sweet potato at times grilled chicken i mean yeah so i mean here, I can't have that routine because I'm always moving. But back at home, yeah, all my meals are set. And that's a lifestyle. It's not like I'm on a diet. It's just what I eat.

So, yeah, sorry. So your love languages are? My love language is time. Yeah. Would have to be... Words of affirmation. That's one of the ones I know. Physical touch is one touch I think physical touch

definitely I think more of words of affirmation is words of I don't know like a pat on your shoulder would that be affirmation

that wouldn't be affirmation that's probably probably physical touch isn't that in physical touch no but it's like more like I'm proud of you it's words yeah

so that would be that would be one for me. Yeah. What's yours? Mine are quality time. Acts of service. Acts of service and touch. Hang on.

Quality time, acts of service, touch and words. Thanks. You have all of them. You can't just love all of love. I love all of the things about love. I do. And I just did, bitch. I don't of the things I love I do and I just did bitch

I don't care about receiving okay I did four okay if I had no I don't like receiving gifts yeah I don't okay gun to head gun to head probably

physical touch gun to head gun to head which one one one acts of service okay cool

I was gonna it was actually a tie between acts of service but yeah I picked actually a tie between acts of service but yeah I picked one you've got to pick one oh okay gun to head

gun to head I've got my revolutionary gun to your head right now then I would say physical touch physical touch

you heard it here first you want to get in his pants you probably need to pat him on the back first do some physical touching. And naked cuddles. It's basically physical touch.

With some teddy bears. It would be weird with the teddy bears, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would be really weird. You spooning someone with lots of teddy bears. To be honest, that is how you practice kissing when you're younger. You know, you line up all your teddy bears and then first you're a teacher, but then you're also a lover. You're like, I don't know what you've been up all your teddy bears and then first you're a teacher, but then you're also like lover. You're like, I don't know what you've been doing to your teddy bears,

but my God, they all need therapy. Fucking hell. And it should be recorded. Exactly. Oh my God. TikTok. Niche TikTok.

Wow. For all those kids and teenagers that were messing around with teddy bears. Oh God. Humping teddy bears. Anyway. Let's wrap. thank you so much

for coming we really value your time and appreciate that you spent it with us and yeah we hope you had fun I had great fun thank you

it was incredible thank you so much what are you going to be doing today in London you going to watch the football no I don't watch sports wow

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I'll read it then. Hi, girls. My dilemma is, how do you deal with having a crush on someone and not wanting to have any feelings for them? I have a crush on someone who I have absolutely no business having a crush on. And I don't want you to go any further. Help. Okay, it's either your brother, business having a crush on. And I don't want you to go any further. Help. Okay, it's either your brother, cousin, boss, or someone. And your dad.

Or someone who's married. Or your friend's partner. No, I think what she's saying. It's really hard. It's really hard to undo a crush. Once you start seeing someone naked in your dreams, it's really hard to put clothes on. That's it.

You've swallowed the red pill. You're done. You're done, yeah. Yeah, it's nice to start imagining them in like kind of really awful situations yeah maybe that'll help like visualise them

throwing up and doing a shit at the same time really hard to fancy someone once you've seen it coming out both ends it's literally making me feel sick it sounds like

she's crushing on someone she's not allowed to crush on yeah because he or she's with a partner it's her cousin or it's a boss. What tends to happen in these scenarios is that something naughty eventually will happen. The only way that it won't happen is if he doesn't like you back.

If he doesn't like you back, then it's like sweet 16, write a fucking diary. Then it will die. It's death. But if he fancies you as well, you are fucked and you're heading for an affair. So good luck with that. Great advice. I mean, what do you do in that situation? I think you've got to figure out the root of a crush, like why you might fancy them.

And is part of the reason you fancy them maybe because it's forbidden? Is that kind of driving some of your infatuation? And maybe if it is, then actually it's half a crush. Take away the forbidden stuff. Yeah, you're right. It's not even really that. Dial it down to about half. I am a massive fantasist huge fantasist so like when I crush on someone I make up all these scenarios in my head about like future things no future now

everything all of it we could be doing our taxes together wow yeah hot really hot but my point is I fantasize about them and sexual non-sexual so I make up these scenarios and what that does is it adds fire and fuel to the crush so it becomes bigger so I can imagine her sitting at the desk and I've done this

because I had an intense crush at work way back when you just sit there and you think and then it's not real but it adds you've made a whole life together

yeah you've got to sound like a psycho but there are ways to like dial down infatuation on someone. Yeah, yeah, there are. I think you just got to ride this one out

and just constantly remind yourself why it's inappropriate, why you're not allowed or ride it out or find another crush. Hope that's helped you. Good luck on your journey to getting rid of feelings

or riding them out. Whatever you decide. Yeah. Two Cures for Love by Wendy Cope. One, don't see him don't phone or write a letter two the easy way get to know him better thank you so much dear listeners for putting up with hungover poppy you know i got home at 6 30

this morning and tired and fat Romina because I also got no sleep because I'm pregnant. I was actually thinking that as I got into bed last night and I was like pulling this little sheet and I was getting in at 9.30 because I hadn't slept for ages and my sleep's really shit and I listened to a voice note from you where you were like I'm on a date I'm gonna be hungover and I was like I'm so glad I have a friend like this. As I was like going to bed I was like I'm so glad not all my friends are these like boring people going to bed at nine like me. I'm pregnant in my pregnancy bed and listening to the voice note as I'm falling asleep and you're like I'm gonna be hungover oh my god I totally sent you that last night I totally forgot

I was like I need to warn her I was like because I'd sent you this like really elaborate message before being like I'm really exhausted really long messages then you were like I'm hungover we'll be fine I was like somehow we have very different lives but we we land on the same wavelength each time same note all the time i love it i love it i absolutely love it so yeah thanks for listening i hope you got something out of that you can always email us what's our email address poppy our email address is ravina brown girls do it too at bbc.co.uk or you can call us if you have any dilemmas or problems

on 07968 100 822 and I would say maybe don't call us but leave us a voice note yeah don't call us actually don't call us

I don't think anyone's going to pick up but if you leave a voice note or a text message bye see ya