Brown Girls Do It Too - Love You Longtime... (Or Not?)

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

What goes into happy and successful long term relationships? Does being a realist take away from romance or is it a protection method? Is it ever too late to leave a relationship? Poppy and Rubina talk about the long-term relationships they've been in over the years and how they've shaped them as women today.Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail] you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join two people in holy matrimony. To have and to hold each other from this day forward. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health. In profanity and in smut. To love and to cherish till death do us part. If anyone is opposed to strong language

and adult content, declare it now or better yet, leave the ceremony. I do. Aww. This is a podcast about sex.

At least it started off like that. Now we talk about everything. Sorry. It's like a fucking earring. I like to say these fucking Indian-Asian earrings. They're so shit. Like the back off is shit.

You can have this much ass. You could do a really cool like Kung Fu Indian movie where you're like, and then the earring pops out and slices someone's face. Slices someone's face, yeah. Well, one can only dream, right? Sorry, I'm just going to put my phone on silent. What Indian Kung Fu? Do you know what the martial art can only dream, right? Sorry, I'm just going to put my phone on silent. What's Indian Kung Fu? Do you know what the martial art is in South Asia?

No, I don't know. I just thought it was like Bruce Lee. I thought there was martial arts everywhere. No? Yeah, but no, no. But what is the martial art in South Asia? Shall I just do my line and then you can Google that later?

There's a Bangladeshi martial art. You should know this. What is it called? Bhutan. Jabara Boli Kela. You literally said... You know what you said? You know what you just said to me?

That's what you just said. Know that art form? No, I don't. Everything is sex. And sex is everything. And that includes our mistakes, our heartbreaks, and our hot, hot, hot takes.

I'm Poppy. And I'm married to Peace and Quiet. I love a bit of Peace and Quiet these days. Honestly, I'm gagging for some Peace and Quiet. You're one of the laziest people I know, so I find that really hard to believe. I'm Rapina. And I'm married to my headphones. Put them on every day, listen to podcast music.

And I charge them before I charge my phone, which actually doesn't make any sense. Because if my phone dies, I can't really listen to anything to my headphones. Put them on every day, listen to podcast music and I charge them before I charge my phone which actually doesn't make any sense because if my phone dies, I can't really listen to anything on my headphones. This actually shocks me because this I didn't know about you because having hung out with you

for what, five years now, you never charge your phone. So the fact that you prioritise your headphones over your phone is strange. I think that is the most

Gen Z thing about me is like I feel a bit self-conscious without my headphones sometimes on public transport or on a train I like to have them there as a kind of security shield

from the outside world last episode you were talking about how observant you were listening to conversations sometimes I do eavesdrop you're right you're right

I literally know you better than you know yourself right now you were like last time I heard those two women and they were breaking up and they said this and then they said that

and I was listening to their but you can listen with your headphones on yeah do you ever do in ear headphones no I don't like that I get a lot of ear wax

I'm quite a waxy person do you ever get you get like waxy yeah I mean I do but I just I mean not really I'm always cleaning my ears how do you clean your ears I'm always cleaning my ears. How do you clean your ears?

I'm always cleaning. With a cotton bud. Yeah, yeah, not me too. Yeah, I know. So that's really bad for your ears. Really bad. Don't be a little bit deaf. You talk quite loudly.

I mean, that might just be because of the family that I was raised in. But anyway, so today's episode is all about long-term relationships, not necessarily romantic. That's like the best thing about being alive if I'm honest is like those people that you've known forever and that you've been on

multiple versions of yourself with and multiple levels of the video game that is your life. Oh my God, yeah. You know, where you're like love one.

What level are you at right now? At 36, 7, 76? I think if I was like Mario Kart I'm on the one with the rainbows. Okay, I don't know Mario Kart. Like the rainbow slide.

No? No. Takeshi's Castle? No. No. No. All my cousins had access to the games and we just watched them over their shoulder. We weren't allowed to play.

Oh, fine. Yeah. I'm just going to give an arbitrary number. I'm at level 12. Oh. What does that mean? It means, say there are 24 levels, I'm kind of halfway there. Oh, right.

Yeah. Oh, okay. I think you've probably got a lot more life beyond. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Halfway. I'm going to be 40 next year. If I die at 80, I'm halfway. You are going to live to 110.

You think with my level of partying? Your heart does need some looking at. I always think you're going to have a heart attack. I sometimes think about it. Because when I met you, that's one thing that you said you were really self- think you're going to have a heart attack I sometimes think about because when I met you yeah that's one thing that you said you were really self-conscious of

no no no heart attack aneurysm aneurysm you always said you were going to die of an aneurysm so sometimes when I see something on TV about someone with an aneurysm I'm like

I must check that Poppy's alright today you must check that an aneurysm is that's it yeah yeah it's an aneurysm it's not a cardiac arrest it's an aneurysm that's how I'm convinced

I'm going to die well I mean I don't want to put it out in the world, but I have now, so... I mean, that is kind of the funny thing about long-term relationships is that they know what you've said years and years and years ago.

When you were that iteration of yourself and that version. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you evolve and they evolve, but they remember old versions of you. How would you define a long-term relationship? I think that has changed for me. Yeah. Now I'm approaching 10 years with my partner next year you know that also my head feel it feels long but it also feels

like me and him are just getting started in so many ways like I'm just about to have level 12 halfway through see yeah it feels like it feels weird to even say like that feels really long but I remember when I had a five- year relationship with somebody else and I was like we were together five years like I just wasted five years with you and I thought that that was like such a long

amount of time so it changes but like now if I hear of somebody in a long time relationship and they tell me we've been seeing each other for like a year and a half so a really long time

I'm like if you think that's long you don't know what life is like life is going to be long I think like five plus I think five plus is like you're firmly in long term territory aren't you and i think i mean you're like because year one right you're just shagging yeah it doesn't count year two you're like okay fine

let's let's go out together yeah year three you're like do you want to meet the parents yeah yeah exactly you're asian you're asian yeah four you're like cat child yeah you're like should we move in together yeah yeah yeah and then year five you're like wow also we move in together? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then year five, you're like, wow. Also, if you think about the construct of time, a year for our parents was probably two years. A year for us is like a month, right? Like the equivalence of time is a lot less. And now with goalposts, like 30 is the new 35, 35 is the new 40, people are having kids much later.

I think time is just, just feels very ebby, flowy, very kind of, you know, you you can't really it doesn't feel real you know yeah I mean I would definitely say if someone said turn on said I've been in a relationship for in like I've been in a relationship with someone for 20 years now that's long that's a long yeah that's like I've got to respect you and like a long-term like love a long-term relationship that's good like that's actually really special yeah I'm just thinking about other long term crushes

what's your longest crush also crushes I mean if you said you had a crush for 25 years I'd be like that's a bit weird but crushes

they don't really go on I mean I was going to say Pacey from Dawson's Creek is it you still on I still occasionally sorry the fucking ring's gone off Pacey from Dawson's Creek

I still occasionally I still occasionally Google who he's with Diane Kruger He gets Unbelievably Beautiful women Yeah he really does The man

It's not like his career Is flying No but there's something Really sparse about him Diane Kruger Jodie What's her name Smith

Smith who he's now Not with I can't say her name Lupita Nyong'o No he's not with Lupita Nyong'o He is with Lupita Google that shit right now Google it

Look at you Look at you Your crush Your crush is cheating on you bitch He is with Lupita He's with Lupita Nyong'o Yeah Joshua Jackson

Yep I don't think he is He's definitely with Lupita mate He's with Lupita Okay actually There's a whole webpage Just called Joshua Jackson's dating history

Yeah go on Jodie Tanner Smith That was like the last thing I caught up with Okay Okay, actually, there's a whole webpage just called Joshua Jackson's Dating History. Yeah, go on. Jodie Turner-Smith. That was like the last thing I caught up with. Okay. Oh, God. Like, he just reminds me of being a kid. And I was so in love with him.

God, he's had a lot of girlfriends, though. Oh, my God. Just scroll down to the bottom. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. It's Lupita Nyong'o. He's with Lupita Nyong'o. Yeah, and she's stunning. Stunning.

He goes out. How does he get these beautiful women? I thought he had a're right, it's Lupita Nyong'o. He's with Lupita Nyong'o. Yeah, and she's stunning. Stunning. He goes out, how does he get these beautiful women? I thought he had a kid with Jodie Turner Smith. He did, he did. How could he do that to JTS? I know, I know.

And the kid's a little toddler. Anyway, he's still my long life crush. Okay, fine. I just think I'm always going to want to know what he's doing. I never knew,

see, this is something I didn't know about you. Who's your long time crush? I don't know, I'm a slang, they constantly change. It was Tom Cruise, really know about you? Who's your long-term crush? I don't know. I'm a slang. They constantly change. It was Tom Cruise. Really inappropriate.

But then he's... Scientology. Yeah, exactly. I'm sorry, but I can't imagine you joining Scientology. No, no. That's the kind of thing in like 10 years, you'll just be like, yeah, I'm just with them now. I'm in church. Yeah.

I've done so many documentaries on them. I sort of know what the signs are. But Jason from my class was probably the longest crush I had. Jason from year five. Jason from year five. Yeah, because that went on from, I swear that started in year four and then went on to year six and then we went to different schools and that was the end of that.

What do you think makes a long-term love last? Like consensually, like you want them to be there. Yeah, exactly. You've agreed to be together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you continue that agreement for death, till death. Do you part platonic and otherwise? Well, let's talk about love.

I think laughing for me. They have to make me laugh. They don't have to be like, ha ha, he he, funny. But I just think life is about laughing and having fun. And if they don't make me feel like I'm having fun, they get called very quickly. Yeah, yeah. Because I think a lot of my long-term relationships

and friendships, this is controversial to say, some of it is, I'm not saying it's like all obligation, but like family stuff, most of that is obligation. Yeah. I'm going to be brutally honest. If I didn't know my family, I probably wouldn't be friends with them, right? So I love them dearly.

Yeah, yeah. But I am there because of obligation. And that puts a really interesting flip, doesn't it, on the idea of you falling in love with somebody, starting a family with them, and then they go into the family category where it's like part is obligation. Yes.

And that is always really weird. Yeah. Because the guy that you want to fuck on Tinder, he's not like the dream father for your children. No. It that is always really weird. Yeah. Because like the guy that you want to fuck on Tinder, he's not like the dream father for your children. No. You know, it's like a really different role

that you're asking them to do. Yeah. Yeah, totally. I think that's like, it's just a really interesting point because you're like, how much am I suddenly feeling like I want to be with you

or that I'm like obliged to be with you because now we're family. Now we're family. And I think about family in this obligation space. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And you have a family.

Yeah. What about you? What makes a long-term about you what what makes a long-term relationship long what makes it last I honestly think if you find somebody who you can not take life so seriously with maybe it's the humor thing as well then it's like actually like minimizing your issues together yeah and making the other person feel like calm and I really I mean I'm a big fan of this in all my relationships that I have. But somebody who's a bit more yin to my yang.

Yeah. Like none of my friends are really like me. They all give me something totally different. That gives me this really fun imprint on me. Because I'm always like, like, I mean, that's also one of the reasons I really like you as well. Because you are so different to me. Yeah. You say a lot of random shit I would never say.

You say random shit. You ask for free stuff all the time in restaurants I would never do yeah but you make me bolder because that makes me better so it's like that kind of someone who feels like a bit opposing to you that like can help you grow but be the type of person that you want to be because that's hopefully who can make you grow because you do the exact same for me we're gonna have a bit of a love and I'm still very soon but who can make you grow without being judgmental yeah Or preaching or making you feel like it's a competition or I'm not measuring up.

It's like, that's not. And I never take life seriously. In fact, because I've come from a community that just takes life seriously all the fucking time. I'm like, if I'm not laughing or having a good time or enjoying myself, and I don't mean like empty, like vacuous. Is that the right word?

Empty, like vacuous laughs or superficial laughs, although I love superficial laughs. Like, I just, I can't mean like empty, like vacuous. Is that the right word? Empty, like vacuous laughs or superficial laughs, although I love superficial laughs. Like I just, I can't take life seriously. I've just, my family have drilled into me how serious life is and hell and heaven and all this shit. And I'm just like, no, I don't prescribe to that. So a long term and a long lasting relationship, friendship has to bring humour and fun to the table.

And lightness. I think, you know, you have those friends that you haven't seen in ages and then you see them and you walk away from a drink or dinner or a meeting with them and you immediately feel lighter. Yeah. Like you suddenly have a spring in your step that you did not have while you were entering them. And you're like, they do something to you. Like I have a cousin who I love tremendously and I see her like once a year

and I went for dinner with her the other night and I literally left feeling like I I understood myself better and I just got a bit stronger going home on the train I was like that is such an apt description because all of my cousins after leaving them after a certain age I think when I got to about 14 15 16 16 17 before that it was exactly that we would leave each other on cloud nine. We were in love with each other. And then after like, kind of, maybe like university, I left with a heavy heart. I felt like they were judging me, judging my lifestyle. Our interests were converging. They were probably getting more traditional, more religious, and I wasn't. And I think that's when it's time for a long lasting relationship to be culled because they're not really giving you what they just don't make you feel good.

Oh, yeah. I mean, your parents and your fucking siblings you have to part with because of your parents and your siblings. But beyond that, I'm not putting up with it. No, we're like too old as well to be like, I don't need to beg friend anyone now. No, and also like this is the other thing. That's why I think I'm on level 12, even though I think I'm going to die in 80. Aneurysm. Aneurysm, God.

Hopefully not, now that we've put it out in the world twice. God, God. But time is so precious for me. That's what I've realised. It's so precious. So when I do have friends or when people come into my life and I like them, I really do want to hold on to them. Do you think there's a length of relationship?

Like, obviously, the longer a relationship is, the harder it is to break up. That feels like quite standard knowledge. But is there a length of relationship that you are like, once we've got to 15 years, there is nothing we can't see together. Yeah. And so you should always keep pushing forward.

Or, you know, is there a limit to that? Is there like a relationship? I don't think there's a hard and fast number, but like me and my partner were together for 10 years and we probably should have ended it nine years in. But and every long term couple I speak to who've divorced or separated say I should have left 18 months, 18 months, 16 months before they actually left. So I think this is the other beauty of long-term relationships because even when you know deep down it's over, you cling on because it's a long-term love or a friendship. It's a relationship. You want to give it everything you can

before you finally nail and coffin, it's done. Equally, on the flip side, you can be in sort of toxic, abusive relations. Not abusive, but take it up. You can be in sort of toxic, abusive relations. Not abusive, but like, take it, take it up. You can be in relationships like, it's done. Like me and that guy, the car crash of 2022. I mean, that should have been done 10 months. I mean, that was a year.

That situation shit was long lost. That situation shit went on for a fucking lifetime. Yeah, I'm not even sure that one should have happened, to be honest. It was a blip. It should have been three months, tops. Three months. Situationships, they need a time limit.

You're on the rebound. I don't know. I think it's fine. I mean, I was a blank canvas. I do sometimes worry though, because I think like in South Asian culture, like definitely the marriages that I've seen in my family, like lots of them should be over. Oh my God. What's with playing that game? And they should all be over. My parents' marriage. But I wonder how much some of that has influenced me, you know, because I remember when me and my ex broke up and we were together for five years, a bit of me was like, I failed. Like I failed.

I really thought, you know, in one of our breakup conversations, I literally said, I thought I thought I was going to have your children. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, me too. Wow. And I remember being like, oh, God, this is just like totally like a juncture in that. But I think there was a bit of me that was like, how am I going to recover from this?

How am I going to become anything? And I think because of that experience, I feel like there is no, with my current partner, there's no level of time we need to spend together. If I'm unhappy, 15 years in, 25 years in, 35 years in, if I'm unhappy, I will leave. Because that is so important and I think both of us

should have that attitude with each other those aunties do they ever feel love? who are their long term relationships friendships yeah

do they sometimes when they're cooking and they just like look out the window and start reflecting and thinking about fantasizing about somebody else I reckon all the aunties

are fantasizing they're definitely fantasizing oh my god hilarious story I saw my mum last week and she's gone to stay with her sister and all my family and there's like maybe like four or five women that are like sisters or sisters-in-law yeah um and they were in the kitchen cooking together and my mum walked into the kitchen they were like listening to our podcast in the kitchen

and my mum was like oh I see 90 really likes your podcast she's always telling me how articulate you are but I don't really understand what you're saying but they all seem to be laughing oh my god what episode are they listening to I don't know I don't know oh my god hopefully not the anal one yeah but sometimes like I do honestly think I do a lot of all of this shit for them oh to be like there's a whole other world for you guys still it's not over and like I think that's like really the biggest thing about like long-term relationships I think that's really important is like there is like it doesn't matter if you're with someone for 10 or 20, 50 years the length of the relationship

means nothing to how good it is so when someone's like I've been with this guy for a year and we got married and we're not really in love and you're cynical of that you're like

well you know you might be you can have a really intense one year and a really boring 10 years 10 years yeah that's so true like the length of time isn't the thing

it's the quality and how it makes you feel and if it gets better or it could stay the same. Sometimes sameness is what I yearn for. Like the kind of, I haven't seen you, Vivian, Nando's, pick up from when we left off.

We need to pick up from 2022 because that is the last one. And then there is also our long-term lasting relationship, which it's been well documented. And I say this over and over again, and I'm sorry if you don't like it but you didn't necessarily like me

and now we are in each other's lives. I don't know who else on this planet has a friendship documented over five years. Like we literally didn't know each other. When did we first meet? You must have the email. 15th of March, 2019. Wow.

You got that out quickly. I was ready. 15th of March, 2019. Yeah. It's a long time ago. no 2019 yes sorry I thought you said 2020 2019 what is that pre-covid like we knew each other pre-covid yeah and then what's the email can you read it out I definitely remember you it's very lame it's me asking if we're gonna get paid for brown girls do it too but we are we need transparency which is like

the most Rabina email yeah that is the most email but again that's like that's like manager spice you need that that's just that's you being asian i don't think we've changed much in those five years but so much has changed yeah our lives have changed yeah i've had a child and i'm pregnant with my second child and when i first started this series i was like i'm fucking this guy, yeah. I remember the first anecdote that you had. I'm having really great casual sex with this guy. I remember the first anecdote. Me and Roy were like, oh, my God, your partner made you a smoothie and a breakfast in bed. And I was just like, God, he sounds so cool.

He was like, he's like my first grown up boyfriend. Yeah. Really. I still think about him as like my kind of big in that way. Because he's a little bit older than you right yeah older than me like owned his own flat like yeah yeah adulting really adulting and I was like this is never gonna last because he's just gonna think I'm like a 28 year old dweeb were you 28 when I was 28 when I met him I think you and me the way you did it

with your partner sorry the way you hooked up with your partner is probably how I think I'm gonna end up hooking up with someone who then I'm in a civil partnership with where I'm like five series later am I in am I in this is serious yeah but I I think we put too much importance I think women I have to speak for women not all women obviously the onus on uh what's that word I'm looking for not gravity not um too much weight I think we women put a lot of weight on something being long term like does it have the potential to be long term so you go on a date with someone date one date two date three they tick a lot of your boxes you just don't know that you just don't know that and then you fuck yourself up i remember the first date that i've had with my current

partner who i'm going to be with for 10 years and again child and a half with him the first day i remember so distinctly in this very dim pub thinking ah this isn't going anywhere yeah literally thinking that probably going to shag him this isn't going anywhere this is literally

what I thought of my ex-partner of 10 years I was like cute, hot, musician we'll fuck and then that'll be the end of that and I think that

casual approach to me and him let us have this spontaneous corners around unexpected surprises of now we're together because you could be you

because I was just like you were casual I put no pressure on him and he put no pressure on me around unexpected surprises of now we're together. Because you could be you. Bought a house. Because I was just like, you were casual. I put no pressure on him and you put no pressure on me. But I do think a lot of people who enter dating now are sitting there thinking, is this someone I can introduce

my parents to? To, yeah. And especially if you're Asian. And I think that, which I don't mind that, but it's also just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what about you?

You've got to like them first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, I think that's so strange. You've got to like them before your parents do and then you can feel proud about taking them home and if your parents

don't like them then you can still be like but it's cool because I like them and that's the bit that's going to be the long lasting part I think the conundrum

sometimes for women especially you know I'm being critical of these women but I'm also like if you're of a certain age and you want to have kids but then I also think

it's all this society feeds you this you've got to be this by 30 and you've got to have a job and you've got to have a kid and if you don't you're a failure and like these guys I date not the young ones but sort of the ones like a third they're like we avoid because we just want to have fun women of a certain age because every fucking date feels like a job interview but that's that's the really tricky thing as well because I think those those women who want to have children need to understand the way to get to children is to have a partner that you think is worth having children with first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? So actually that is more important to you. Honestly, I'm not. I shouldn't be talking about it because I'm from a very privileged position of like, A, having a child and B, being pregnant with my second. But I never approached my relation my any date thinking honestly whenever I meet whenever I meet new people or young girls or like just women my age and they're like he didn't do this and I just do a massive internal eye roll because if I was a guy

that would put me I would run a mile like you don't even need to say it you can just tell from a woman's body language and the way she and the energy she's giving. She's like, I know what you are. You're in that group where you want babies, a mortgage and a Mercedes. I'm running out. See you later. Whereas if you're just like cool and chill and you don't give a fuck. But then there's another tier of women who pretend to not give a fuck, but actually give a fuck. They're the craziest.

They are bad fucking shit. I don't care. I don't care. Where are you? Where the fuck are you? I've got to find my iPhone and I can see that you're in a club what are you doing there and it's like those are but sometimes I think I might be that latter one like actually gave off the energy of not caring but somewhere deep inside my subconscious I was like I do want a family and that's why I've got one okay so me and Flora you know Flora we've

got this mantra get them to fall in love with you and then show them the crazy. Don't fucking show them the crazy first. You get them to fall in love with you. That's the secret to a long time relationship right there. That is the secret. You just feed them the crazy. One drop a year. Slowly, slowly, slowly. That is what you do.

And then 10 years later, they get too much crazy and then they leave. Do you think you'll get married one day? Will I get married one day? Will I get married one day? Because I think you'd have a really good wedding. I have a great... No, I would definitely have some sort of... I mean, yes, with the right person. But in my mind, in the back of my mind,

they're not going to be long term. So I'll be divorcing them. And then there'll be a second divorce in my, you know, string to my bow. Oh, because you just want another divorce? No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want another divorce. I don't want another divorce. I just don't think it's going to... Do you want you want to get married no but i'd like to get divorced

again no i just don't think it's going to last long enough so the shame of being twice divorced is what i'm fearing oh i don't in my head i don't think it's going to last a long time don't you think divorcee is quite a sophisticated term if i was a white girl yeah divorce twice divorce in my community why do you think your second marriage that we've already planned for you isn't going to work out

you know what it's so funny we're talking about like to love and to hold and long term relationships I think other than my friendships I think romantic relationships for me

long term it's just not in my blood I don't think I'm yet to disprove this interesting yeah I'm yet to I think oh it's this idea

that also like a monogamous relationship might not be yeah I might have been a monogamous relationship with someone for 10 years five years and I think that'll end and then I think I'll have another partner that'll end and then I'll die I think I've got two more long-term relationships in me and then I'm going to be the cat lady without the cats to be honest I think that's you're being a realist like I don't know if my relationship's going to last forever. And I love that about you. I'm realistic about like, things change. We might change.

He might sleep with someone. I might sleep with someone. Shit happens. You're the only, I love how much you love him. And I know you love him. And there is so much respect. But I love that you say that because you and my other friend, you're the only two people I know in real life

that is so realistic and pragmatic about relationships. And you know what your five year relationship did with you? Like the kind of the dream shattering and be like, oh, my God, I thought I was going to have your children. That's what happened. That was my ex-husband. Your five year was mine. And that's when I was like, shit, these things don't last forever. Some things do. That's why I put so much weight and love and

importance to my friendships but and family obviously obligation half of it um but in romantic relationships who the fuck am i going to be when i'm 52 what if i get ill what if i have a chronic condition my personality changes what if i don't like you you can't guarantee and and also because we're both muslim as well I don't think Islam has got anything to do with it I suppose what I'm saying is this idea of being with someone forever

happily ever after it's not a religious thing actually so I'm going to start again this concept of living happily ever after my Muslim friends say it my Sikh friends say it

my Hindu friends say it my Jewish friends say it it cuts across faith it's just something that we are ingrained with and I just I don't think it's true for me it's also something that we are ingrained with and I just, I don't think it's true for me. It's also just not how

I value a successful relationship. Like if I see two people who have been together for like 40 years, like my parents, I'm not looking at them thinking their relationship is really successful.

I think the people who are successful are the ones who call it quits when it's time to call it quits, who love each other so much that they're like, you will be happier without me and I will be happier with you.

We will be better for our children. Making those decisions is so hard. Making decisions for each other so much that they're like, you will be happier without me and I will be happier with you. We will be better for our children. Making those decisions is so hard. Making decisions for each other is so difficult. And those people who do it and can survive out of it and be happy, good for them. I have so much respect for people who can do that. That's me. Thank you.

I had dinner with my ex-partner and his girlfriend the other day and most of my friends and my siblings were up in arms. How? How? How? And I was like like she is so beautiful and he is so happy with her and like I couldn't wish him I just want him to be so happy there was one moment

and it was like did it feel weird and I was like it felt so natural and it felt right there was this one moment though he'd ordered a drink and normally

I would just whatever he gets I'd just grab and taste it and I was about to and I quit yourself and I wasn't even I was you couldn't if you knew me you'd know I was doing to and I I wasn't even I was

you couldn't if you knew me you'd know I was doing it but if you didn't know me you'd just be like you'd be normal so I had to stop myself but that was just habit

that wasn't like oh I'm sad that we're not together that I can't you know but I I look at him and it's no longer weird

and it's you know and it's I've only just met her now but properly after what two year and a half

maybe two years. But I think it takes more guts to be, to say, we've had a good run and you're still in my life. And we still really care about each other. And we still really care about each other. And we don't hate each other.

And I only want good things for you. Like I have the same thing with my ex-boyfriend. Went to go to a gig like three weeks ago and there was just still so much like love for him now. I was like, I just want really good things for you. And he's got really bad sight. So he couldn't see me in the crowd now. It was like, I just want really good things for you. And he's got really bad sight. So he couldn't see me in the crowd.

And I was like, I'm over here, dude. And I was like, I'm always going to be your friend. I will always be there if you need me for anything. And I'm glad things have like changed shape for us. Because this, what we have now is better. It's better. And sometimes I think if you want to make something last, you don't exist in that version

that you thought you should be it changes and it evolves and you have to give someone space to change too yeah I think it's fine

to enter a relationship knowing that it might not last like yes it is about protecting yourself and being but it's also about being realistic

and also having that in a relationship where you're like not this idea that it could end at any moment I'm not asking you to be like paranoid about it but have some real understanding that like life changes yeah exactly and if you enter your relationship like that it means like actually when you are coming to your relationship you're putting in the effort yeah each time and you're

being like yeah you know I'm not taking you for granted and I'm not believing this is lasting forever I'm believing this is work and that we're both going to put work in to make it last. Yeah, but do you think that by having, I suppose this is a question for me and you, by going into a relationship, do you think it takes the enjoyment away knowing it's got an expiration date? Or is it like a self-preservation thing? I think it's actually really romantic. I think there's a lot of romance in realism.

Yeah, so do I. The real romantic moments with my partner are when he buys the milk when he knows I didn't have time. You know, like the real touches of that, the real I've got your back. Not some twat who love bombs you and gets you a necklace for three and a half grand. Well, not someone who looks in your eyes and tells you I love you and I'm going to be with you forever. Because that for me is not the same as being like,

you just want someone who's got your back. Can I have the milk thing and the eye thing? Because one of my love languages is words. So I do need the words and I need the action. My ex-boyfriend used to look me in the eyes regularly and be like, you're so beautiful. I love you. And at the time I was like, wow, like regularly being told that feels really good. My current partner rarely gives me a compliment.

Like it just doesn't, it doesn't happen as much. I get told, he tells me he loves me all the time, but it like rarely do I get one but then when I get one it's such a singer yeah and then I'm like I think I prefer this one oh and I'm working a bit harder with that you know like like I work hard to make him laugh he doesn't laugh at all my jokes you know like he makes me work he doesn't laugh at all my jokes I know I know oh so you must hold back that I can see it when he just wants to laugh. He's like, I'm not giving you that. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I was such a needy little, I was so needy with my ex-partner. I had to tell him, but I would follow up with actions and words. Oh, yeah, a bit of neediness every now and then. I had an argument with a friend the other night and then we got into bed and I was like, am I a bad person? Do you think I'm a bad person?

He was like, oh, my God, no. Like, what? And I was like, no, just say it. Just say I don't think you're a bad person. Say I think you're a bad person do you think I'm a bad person and he was like oh my god no like what and I was like no just say it just say I don't think you're a bad person say I think you're a good person I was like

I had to get him to say it to me say it no I think this is a woman thing maybe it's not a woman thing but like we're like sometimes you want to hear something and you're just like

I need that validation yeah I need that validation now please give it to me now in exactly verbatim the way that I need it yeah yeah yeah because sometimes

you just need a good hit of that then you can move on. But sometimes it works if you just say it to yourself in the mirror. Yeah, it does actually. I'm a good person. You're a good person. I have to talk my, when I'm telling myself off,

I have to talk to myself in the mirror. Oh, yeah. You know when you're like, I have to give Poppy a good talking down to. Yeah. Just like, sort your fucking self out. I really do. I mean, I get it.

I do it every like once a year. Probably need to do it probably need to do it once every week to be honest the way I'm going do you look in the mirror and do it?

yeah I have to look in the mirror I have to look at myself yeah I mean you always look in the mirror anyway yeah exactly sometimes I'm just talking to you and you're actually

just looking at your reflection you're alone unbelievable scenes yeah yeah yeah it's terrible it's terrible every reflection every reflection

no but I mean actually the truth is the longest time relationship you have is the one with yourself oh and that is a very complicated one how you talk to yourself how you treat yourself the different ways that you challenge yourself how you beat yourself up how you love yourself when you need it like that is the longest time I think you've just hit the nail in the cup that is and it's the most complicated one and it's the most complicated one. And it's the one that changes.

And you can't lie to yourself. You're absolutely right. You're totally right. Having sex with yourself. Best times, good times. Always a good time. Always a good time. Always a good time.

Actually. The best lay you ever have is your hand. There's been a few times where this hand was shit. And she was better. You're so right. It's the relationship you had with yourself when you were 15, 25, 35, today. It's you. It's you.

Yeah. And you know the days that you really like yourself, the world is good. The days you are really critical of yourself, everything is bad. Yeah, everything's bad. Everything is bad. You're so right. Anyway. And on that note you've reached the shaggy auntie's call center want advice you can't ask your real aunties for like how do you ask for what you want in bed not Not sure which hole is a goal? Where do anal beads really

go? Have you been faking orgasms your whole adult life? Accidentally called your boss daddy? Is your long-time love not going down south? For more than just the tip, we're here for you. Yes, you. And you. And you. It's time now for the Shaggy Aunties. Please remember to ask the bill payers permission before calling us. Shaggy Aunties are not medical professionals and bear no responsibility for the consequences of your own actions. Okay, I'll have a little read. My partner and I are in a friendship group which consists of us and two other couples. Three of us are best friends from uni.

Last year, one of the girls discovered that her husband has been having an affair. She found out because he accidentally connected his phone to the car Bluetooth and she saw explicit messages pop up on the screen. To cut a long story short, she was devastated, but he begged for forgiveness and after a few months of working things out, she decided to stay. My dilemma is I can't stand to be around him now I think my friend is still in shock and will leave him eventually I think she will but in the meantime I don't know how to be there for her if it means being in his presence they're married and in a house together so I know breaking up isn't easy but I wish she could see how much better she deserves what do I do oh friend you got to be there for her.

Because I remember when my crash of 22, one friend said the truth, but went hard on me. So I shut down. I didn't say anything to her. And sadly, listener, it's not about you. It's not about your feelings. It's not about how much you hate him. And you're right.

She will eventually leave. But she will leave with your unwavering support. She will leave when you are there for her, when you support her, when you're right she will eventually leave but she will leave with your unwavering support she will leave when you are there for her when you support her when you're not judging her she's not going to leave if you're like leave him

leave him you can do better because she'll shut down you know because she wants to make this work and when you have a house and a mortgage and kids

it's so hard it's so much harder to walk away that's where the obligation shit comes in you know I was saying earlier like the amount of couples I know in real life who are married with child and house

who should not be together. And they're just like, oh, it's just a bit long, isn't it? So we may as well just stay together. Yeah, a bit long to get out of it. What would you say? I'm kind of torn because I think your friends are the only ones

who will tell you things honestly. And so sometimes it's good to check in. So maybe part of the conversation is like, of course, don't pester her and be like it's good to check in so maybe part of the conversation is like of course don't pester her and be like you need to leave him this is ridiculous but you need to be like are you sure yeah but I'm gonna be really honest with you I'm not sure you're that happy but if you're sure and you're happy I'm gonna stand by you but I need to be the person asking you the question because I'm not sure you're asking yeah I agree with but but she's you gotta you gotta you've got to cash in your are you sures.

You can't do too many. Oh God, no. You've got to cash them in and it's like being self-critical. You've got to help her on that journey. So if she's like, are you sure? Are you sure? Look at that, eye roll, eye roll. You're in the house, you're hanging out,

you're in the kitchen. He says something, you're like, that's not going to help because she's going to shut down and she's going to find another friend or someone else or she's going to be doing it alone, which is worse.

Yeah. And this is a test of friendship. I actually have a similar story that's going on in my own life and I'm planning to have the are you sure conversation in a week or so because there's been a few red flags that I'm like I just want to make sure you're certain about is this your first are you sure though yes yes exactly it's my first I think I think I think a first second third are you sure it's fine Space them out. Space them out. Especially if you love them so much and you're obviously clearly in a group

and you're going to have to be around this person. You need to make sure that you're not doing so much shading on him that it can never recover that relationship. Yes, absolutely. So that you can always go out with them. Absolutely, absolutely. I can understand her hatred, but right now you've got to put your feelings to one side and it's about her and

actually if the bigger picture and you secretly want her the bigger picture is i want her to not be with this guy because i think this guy's going to cheat she obviously hates this guy because of what he's done and because he's she probably thinks he's going to cheat again right or something like that um you're you need to be smart about this you need to be there for her you need to be hanging out in that house with her you she needs to be your confidant right so so when the time is right you do that are you sure and the other thing to say is i'm not saying that people in relationships that cheat can't recover no of course so actually to know that that can also be their journey they can actually get they might be able to get past that and you need to support them if they're going to do that because

that's actually quite a rocky road for them to navigate yeah um but to understand that like if one partner cheats and they still both want to be together there's still life in a relationship after that like you know betrayal doesn't always have to be the end yeah totally for many people yes it does but you know you just don't know yeah um so yeah approach approach cautiously with one are you sure with one just most mostly love you are trying to support your very good friend here who's in a long-time relationship yeah and you've got to remember that you're in a relationship with her yeah and your relationship with her is really important and it's about harnessing that and making sure whatever whatever phase of life she's going in

with this man without this man discovering this man you're there you're the constant because your friendship with her will be long lasting that will have an imprint And that will go on Yeah how you approach This next step with her Will affect how your relationship Continues with her Yeah totally So don't think about

Her relationship with him Think about yours with her Absolutely God that was a mic drop moment When I first saw The Dilemma I was going to be like Fuck him Like he's awful

And you should like Frame him And show him That he's still cheating And then And then you were like This this isn't about you. And I was like, this isn't about me. There is an alternative universe where I would absolutely,

25-year-old Poppy would have been like, let's frame this fucker. Yeah. But now I'm older and slightly wiser. But let's really see if he still loves you. I'm going to make a new Instagram. My name is Shoshana. I'm going to message him in my new Instagram and catfish him

and do shit I mean people do crazy shit yeah people do crazy shit don't do crazy shit I know a lot of times on the Shaggy and the Aunties I suggest crazy shit I just want everyone to know

I'm mostly joking you are mostly joking yeah let's warn the don't cut someone's hair or set fire to someone's room I don't want to do that you are a low-key arsonist everything ends in fire

fire yeah yeah I'm basically the end of a Bollywood film everything or a Hollywood film that ends in explosions yeah but I would say and I know it's really hard to do especially when you are um deep in hatred for someone like when you hate someone so much and patience is gonna be your best friend especially if you want it to shape this friendship and you want it to last a long time you have to be patient with this friend but you've done the right thing because you're breathing you're breathing on making a decision

because you're asking us something which is like the best thing I think your instant reaction is always just like crazy Rabina and actually what you need to do is sleep on it and then you won't be her

yeah that's all for now thank you so much for listening and if you have any thoughts questions dilemmas conundrums for the shagging aunties, please email us at browngirlsdoit2 at bbc.co.uk.

Or you can send us a WhatsApp or voice note to 07968 100 822. Bye. Look, we're really sorry, but this is just getting a bit too intense. Yeah, you're getting a bit needy. Okay, sorry. We're just busy, busy women and we need to take a short break. But watch this space. We'll be back very soon.