Brown Girls Do It Too - Popping Cherries

Episode Date: July 24, 2019

An Asian girl's sex life is often shrouded in secrecy. However Roya, Rubina and Poppy are breaking all taboos in this revealing podcast.In the first episode they talk about how they all lost their virginities. Expect both funny and shocking stories that involve ex-husbands, sex via tinder and an annoying salwar kameez that keeps getting in the way.Brown Girls Do It Too is a no holds barred conversation between three British Asian girls, who all have sex and are unashamed to talk about it. All the ‘ins and outs’, from the messy realities to the mythical fantasies and sexpectations, Poppy, Rubina and Roya talk about their relationships and sex lives in this funny full frontal podcast. These are genuine and thought provoking conversations, between three progressive British Asian girls who have and enjoy sex, conversations that have never been aired before. How do they navigate the complex world of sexual adventures with their cultural backgrounds and familial expectations?

BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Brown Girls Do It Too. Yeah. From the BBC Asian Network. Hi there. I'm Poppy. I'm Roya. And I'm Rubina. And you're listening to Brown Girls Do It Too.

This is a brand new podcast from the BBC Asian Network and it's unlike anything that you'll have ever heard before in the universe of podcasts. That's because unlike anything that you'll have ever heard before in the universe of podcasts. That's because we are three brown women who have sex and we're going to be talking about it in all its naked glory right here, direct into your ears. Whether you're a girl or a guy, you need to listen to this because it's about the realities of women just doing it. Rubina, do you think we need to give everyone a bit of a warning? Probably. Guys, we're about to get a bit hardcore. We'll be talking about our

sex lives and it's going to be detailed, it's going to be graphic and all three of us do like to swear. So if this isn't really your thing, then please head over to BBC Sounds and try one of the many other wonderful podcasts on offer. But if you are intrigued by the sound of three brown women talking about sex, then belt up because you're in for a hell of a ride. Right, Roya? Yas. We'll be speaking in detail about our sexual experiences.

And the reason that we have to do it is because nobody else is doing it. Think about any conversation you've had about sex. It's all code words and sexual euphemisms and skirting around the truth and leaving a lot to the imagination. However, here with us on this podcast, you've got us three revealing pretty much all there is to say about sex, particularly our sex lives, up close and personal. And we promise to be 100% honest with you 100% of the time. And on the theme of honesty, our very first episode could only be about virginity. An honest telling of our first time experiences. We'll talk about what ideas we had about sex before we did it, the moment we did it, the aftermath and of course a little reflection now about that time we all popped our collective

brown cherries. We'll also just reminisce about some of the many myths and untruths around the whole bloody subject. But before we dive into this expert, even before the foreplay, you might want to know who the hell we are. So I'm Rubina, and I was that tall, geeky Indian kid at school. And with my delightful combination of braces and a moustache, it's safe to say nobody fancied me. I'm Poppy and I've been married and divorced and I am a Bangladeshi second-gen child of immigrants. Think more curry than corner shops. I hate it when people stand on the left-hand side of the escalators and chilli sauce is my crag. I'm Roya. I am

the Persian princess. I had a nose job at 18 and my name means sweet dreams. So y'all in for a treat. And hopefully you will get to know all three of us better over the course of this podcast. But let's get into this issue now. Brown girls do it too. So yeah, we are. We're going to reveal you all the kind of nitty gritty details of how, when, who, where. So maybe we should start off and just talk about, you know, why we're brown. Is that the way to say it? I mean, Poppy, like, why are you brown?

What's your brownness? Like, explain yourself. How brown am I? Okay, well, I have, well, let's start with like tier one. Got a rice cooker. Got loads of frozen containers of garlic

and ginger in the freezer I also have two separate my parents have two separate freezers we've got a living room that's too small

for the gigantic ugly sofas that we have I mean I could keep going I feel like you've yeah you won you're brown

good brown credentials good brown credentials I like it what What about you? Well, do you know what? I have a funny story about how I got onto this podcast was I had this phone call from No Caller ID and it was like, hi, I'm the producer calling from BBC

Asia Network and I just want to talk to you about coming onto this podcast and I don't know anyone from BBC Asia Network so I was like, do all us Asians have each other's numbers? I was like, do we? Am I in like do we am I in like a yellow I'm only in the brown pages what the fuck and it was like no cooler idea I was like this is so freaky um but I also have a rice cooker what up hello um I uh my nipples aren't pink aren't pink yeah that was always a surprise to me when I saw that like white women had brown brown nipples aren't pink. Yeah, that was always a surprise to me when I saw that white women had brown nipples. I mean, pink nipples.

And hairy, or is that like an all-woman thing? Oh, I have hairy nipples. So hairy. I've shaved mine today for you girls. Really? You shaved your nips? Yeah. Oh my god, that's so hot. I tweezed them once and I was like, this is not a viable option. I think for me, that's definitely what defines my brownness

without me even being able to explain it to anybody because they see the hair on my arms and I have to go and get a bikini wax regularly. And that for me is like a real identifier. I mean, as you can see, ladies, I'm pretty hairless. That's so unfair. But another way I also recognise a brown person is the thick rug that we seem to have developed over our bodies.

So it's definitely a marker, isn't it, of how brown you are. I mean, it's not like we can ever hide our brownness, right? It's not like we can go on dates or like meet people and they can just see us as anything but brown. It's got to be like part of our presentation. I mean, yeah, we're all pretty brown here. Although when I first met Roya, I didn't, I mean, you are brown, obviously, but I thought you were Pakistani or, you know.

Yeah, I get that. I get that a lot from Uber drivers. They always start speaking to me in like Punjabi. I'm like, whoa. So I'm a Middle Eastern babe. I don't think I look like a Middle Eastern babe, which is a bit annoying. I want to look like Princess Jasmine.

I don't think I've got those vibes. I can see the Jasmine. I'm not down on that. I can see babe vibes for sure. Okay, cool. I mean, I'm like 100% Indian. In fact, I did one of those like 23andMe genetic DNA tests recently and they sent it back to me to tell me that I was 99.9% broadly South Asian

because they haven't actually got the data to divide up South Asian-ness. So I'm like a pure breed right now. Like 100% Indian. Okay, so now we've established that, you know, we're brown. The other things we should probably establish and more importantly and in the interest of full disclosure

is our numbers. Like notches on the bedpost. Ooh, nachos. I love that they're notches, by the way. I thought you just said nachos. They love that they're nachos by the way. I thought you just said nachos. They do sound like when you say nachos

they sound like our conquests. I love that. With women it's hardly ever a conquest if she's slept around or had

you know multiple sexual partners. She's been conquested. She's a hobag. She's a yeah. That's like a real like problem

talking about numbers because and also how you change your number dependent on who you're speaking to. So, like, sometimes you're feeling a bit bossy when you're with your girlfriends

and you're like, yeah, like, everyone, every weekend, all the time. And then, like, when you're with some people that you, like, want to respect you,

you're like, oh, yeah, I just, you know, pretty modest, you know. Just the one. Just the one. If that. If that. Only half in, so... And then with your family it's like

what I'm a virgin holding hands? what are you talking about? numbers is a difficult one it's a hard one I think for men I don't know how it is for brown men I don't think I'd be able to comment

but for men talking about how many people you slept with there's kind of like a badge of honour and I think for brown women, you play to whoever your crowd is, right? So you're just like... You're not going to tell your auntie that you slept with 40 men. You're going to tell your auntie

you slept with minus 40 men. Like nobody. And you're going to tell your auntie that at 40. You know what I mean? Like you have to know your crowd, totally. What do you like? What do you think, Raya? Are you up for telling everybody here

what your number is? Yeah, so I actually have a list on my phone of everyone I've ever kissed. Shut up. Sick one. Everyone I've ever kissed. The last time I checked it, I had kissed 42 men. Woo! I don't know what to make of that number.

Is that like a big number? I don't know what to make. I would say that's small for kissing. Yeah, that is small. Because, like, you know, all those years, you grow up and you go to clubs and you snog someone random and you're like, didn't know what his name was, he had a t-shirt. There's legit one guy who's saved on here as Halloween.

There's a guy called Halloween. There's a guy called Street Guy, a guy I got off with in a street in Marbella. Bum guy because my friends took a photo and my arse was out whilst I was getting off with him. There's some good guys, but I put an asterisk by their names if I did something with them. And I put two asterisks if I slept with them. It's like punctuation. I love it. Check the archive. So I've slept with 14 men.

14 penetrative sex. All the way in, all the way out. That's what counts. Bald's deep deep That is modest That's modest I think that maybe I have slept with the most people here I feel like I'm going to have to up my numbers during this podcast Actually, to be fair, Roya's like younger than us

You're at 14, Roya Rubina, what is your, what are your natches? Higher or lower, higher or lower Definitely higher than that 100% higher I'd also like to just state I am considerably older than Roya uh how old are you Roya I am 24 and I'm 31 and I'm 33 so I have seven years to do some making up yeah this is why I'm not a mathematician to do me well uh seven years to

get to what I'm I'm actually around the mid-20 mark. Okay. I couldn't tell you the exact number because my archive was not so specific. It's not as thorough as Roy's. She didn't do the paperwork, guys. I did not do the paperwork. And I had many... I've been in quite a lot of relationships, but the times in between relationships

were, like, very fun times. Yeah. Where I, like, didn't waste a second. And I think, actually, a high and healthy number is a good life to live because you have a very short time on this planet. So enjoy it.

I don't like giving my number because I feel like it then defines you and people look at you differently and they perceive you in a different way. And I just think it's better to keep it vague and non-specific, I think. And I think actually I once told my friend, a very good friend, my number, who was a guy. And I think he sort of gave me the slut look.

Oh, like looking at you as if you were a slut? Yeah. Even though he's an absolute player. I completely disagree with you because I think it's really important for us to A, be really frank and B, be like, it's fine. It's fine to have as much or as little sex as you want well I mean like probably okay you don't want a disclosure number fine I respect that I respect all women's choices but I think you know if you could give us like a range you know you don't want you have to tick a box to say like what age you're in are you in there like zero to five five to ten ten to fifteen

fifteen to twenty I think I think it's 20 plus it's a it's. It's sort of 25 plus. Excellent. Nice. Okay. I feel like a virgin. You have some years to catch up on. Don't waste your time. That's what I was going to spend this podcast doing.

Because we should also say like- You have time. Also, we're old. But also, I was technically, this is going to sound awful, but I suppose this is why we're doing the podcast. I wish my number was higher. Oh, me too, me too. I'm in a relationship, but if I wasn't, I would have sex with more women and men.

And experiment. And you only really figure those things out about yourself as you get older as well. I just think there's a real freedom to sex. And actually, probably the reason we are able to do this podcast is because we're just more sex positive, we're a bit more liberal, a bit more liberal and that. And it's important. And in our community, we use shame as a currency so often to control women especially.

So the fact that we do have this space to talk about it and the fact that I, I mean, five years ago, I would never have said, I want to have more sex, goddammit. Well, certainly felt comfortable enough to be open about it. I mean, Poppy literally came in this morning,

guys, guys, I haven't had sex in a week. It's real dark. And I was like, guys, I haven't had sex since 19th of April. Not that, again, I told you, my paperwork is good with these things. And then I felt really chuffed because I had sex this morning. And you had a banging breakfast too. Banging everything this morning.

My life is sweet, man. I don't shave, eat it. I'm not complaining. Yeah, everything's good. Her life is sweet, man. La Dolce Vita, I'm not complaining. Yeah, everything's good. Her boyfriend banged her and then made her a smoothie. I had a Lemsip this morning with no sex on the side.

It was depressing. No, but I seriously, I do, we're sort of looking back now and I don't want to get all preachy on your arse, Roya, but like, honestly, I would have just... Nailed everything.

I would have nailed everything. My sex education came from my 10-year-old best friend at the time. And I remember she told me that my parents did it and I was born. And she told me in quite graphic detail. And I went home and I sort of looked at my mother and I was really disgusted with her. It's awful. So because I was really disgusted with her.

It's awful. So because I was grown up to think that this sex is like this disgusting, gross thing. And my mum was being so sweet to me that day. And I remember the sun was shining. I remember this memory as clear as day. And she was being really cute. I don't know, giving me samosas and things to eat. And I sort of looked at her in disgust.

And I just thought, I don't know why that memory still sort of haunts me in a way. Because I was so mean to her and she was just doing something that every human being does. That's how we're all born. That's how we're all created. And I think it just goes to show, reflects the attitudes towards sex as this disgusting thing that you are meant to shy away from. You're not meant to talk about it. You're meant to be this chaste, pure virgin. I don't even know if I I thought sex was disgusting I just thought it was like non-existent like no one ever spoke about it in my house it was like this invisible other thing so I never knew if it was bad or good

you know ever and I remember hearing the word masturbate at school coming home asking my mom being like what does what is masturbation what does it mean she was like it's it's it's very natural you know everybody does it what is it it's totally does it mean? She was like, it's very natural. You know, everybody does it. And I'm like, what is it? It's totally normal. Don't be afraid of it. I'm like, I'm not, but what is it? And she just couldn't vocalize it

because her generation has a real problem with talking about it. And that's why it's a really interesting shift of one generation. And look at me, like I can just come on and do a podcast about sex. Like, that's crazy. And maybe a bit of the reason we're all here

is because we're actually rebelling against something and we're pushing back against something because we realize how important it is to have these conversations so that the next generation of young women come fully equipped to the table for what they need when they talk about sex and what about you were it like in your community sort of growing up yeah I mean like it's interesting because I I grew up in like uh I grew up in like Kent in this like very like posh place. Sounds very white. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I didn't see any brown people until I was like 19.

We were sort of like very claustrophobicized at my school anyway about sex. And then I'd go to Iran and as soon as you start talking to another boy, like even if you like just look at each other, it's like, even if you, like, just look at each other, it's like, oh, my God, like, they're going to get married or something. And then I saw my cousin, my, like, male cousin, who's, like, this massive Lothario, bringing home, like, different girls and stuff. I think that double standard.

The double standard kills me. The double standard in our community, and not just with sex, with every other facet of life, it destroys me. It's that British Asian like patriarchal thing as well where like it's all embedded in us so there is there is a shame like even when you're talking about in your numbers you probably like hesitated because you're like oh I can talk about it I can't but actually we own we own it just as much and like we're all embedded to believe that we're not as good as men and that's just something we have been raised to think and you're fighting

against that growing up you're constantly being no, I like have to change it. I have to shift my thinking. And yeah, I think that's what we should own. If I've learned anything about sex in my community, it's they made it a bigger deal than what it should have been. And I think as a result, I see sex, not necessarily in a not healthy way, but I've almost gone completely the other way.

And it's just a thing that you do. Obviously, sex is great with someone you love, but I actually do see it as an activity. It's funny that you say that about sex being made a way bigger deal than you think it should be. Sex being a way bigger deal than it is because thinking about our first times like I mean maybe we can share our first time stories but I remember after the time first time I had sex I was like because I had sex quite late I had sex when I was 19 so quite late in English standards I would say and uh in Iran that's like what the fuck were you doing? But here it's like, you're really prude. And I remember having had sex and just being like, oh.

Is that it? Yeah, like, okay. All too often, we rush through our daily routines, never stopping for a moment to think about ourselves and how we cope with everyday pressures. Until now. We present How To Thrive, for stopping for a moment to think about ourselves and how we cope with everyday pressures until now we present how to thrive a podcast that looks at how different areas of life can affect well-being and mental health we'll give you the tools to thrive beyond the challenges of daily life talking about everything from holistic health and well-being to managing your finances

this is your weekly appointment to stop and focus 100% on yourself. How to thrive. With me, Megan Roxanne. Download and subscribe now at BBC Sounds. Roya, I have to ask. I mean, you've mentioned it a few times now. How did you lose your virginity? Where did those V-plates go?

I mean, I thought you'd never ask. So I'm very proud to say that I lost my virginity on Tinder. Swiped right. You swiped right and you got deep. I was one of the founders on Tinder. I was on Tinder when we used to run out of people. You would be swiping and be like, you've checked all the people in your area and i was on like 60 kilometers so it was like really a achievement but yeah i i went to university uh primarily to lose my virginity uh because i hadn't lost it at school and i couldn't find anyone in my first year so

second semester i went to new york again that wasn't really to lose my virginity, but it kind of was. And got on Tinder and lost my virginity to a guy on Tinder. So he's Mr. Tinder on my phone. He is the Mr. Tinder because he's the first one. Do you know what? It's quite funny because I was staying in this like halls. And so he came around to stay at my house. And you know, on Tinder, it only gives you people's first name?

And I had to get a pass made for him. And they were like, oh, so what's his name? And I was like, John. And they were like, what's his surname? And I was like, John. And I was like, oh, it's Just John? And they were like, what do you mean? Like a pop star, like Just Madonna.

Yeah, it's Cher. The artist is normally known as John and they were like Just John so I think they thought I was a prostitute I was like look I need to lose my virginity

can you just write Just so I now have a pass which says Just John oh my god they actually made you a pass yeah first name Just surname John

surname John so question did this guy know that you did this guy know that you, did this guy know you were a virgin? He did. He did. How did he take it?

How did you tell him? Yeah. Because I... When he put it in, you were like, by the way, you are never getting uncharted territory. He was like quite experienced. I think he'd slept with quite a few girls. How old was he? I was 19 and he was 25. So he was six quite experienced I think he'd slept with quite a few girls how old was he?

I was 19 and he was 25 so he was 6 years older so he slept with like I think his rap sheet would have been a bit more than

clearly yours and he was really sweet about it the thing about like it was this really big thing and I wanted it to be this really big thing

and then I had it and I was like oh like okay but before we get to the oh give me some details when where how what were you wearing was it in a bar what was this chat up line what did you guys do where did you go what was this I mean that is a lot of questions well so the first day I went on him uh I went on him I mean those are details that I would like to but like on you

so yeah we went on a date uh and I'm pretty sure I thought he was that I would like to should we have dinner but like on you so yeah we went on a date and I'm pretty sure I thought he was gay and I was like okay that's fine and then the second he like messaged straight after

and was like let's go on another one and on the second one we did stuff and on that how's stuff you know like like

I suddenly got really shy I know I saw that I gave him a blowjob. There we go. And we're back in the game. I was like, I just need to get it out. And then I was like, oh, I haven't had sex

and I don't want to have sex on our second date. So I waited to the third. And I think it was also led by the fact that my friends back at home from school lost their virginities that week. So I was like, I need to get on it like it was a bit of a yeah so but I remember it being like oh I really want it to be this really big thing and I want to come on my first go and then you have it and you're like okay I was really happy that I lost it with him because he was really respectful he

was really sweet but I was also like I imagine most brown girls like I imagine you two as well I got into I know about sex from like Hollyoaks and Bollywood movies and uh music late night Hollyoaks was the one though oh my god I used to put like a cushion over my lap and be like this is fun because Hollyoaks was the site where there was quite good looking people in it and so yes so yeah exactly so I was like so I my I approached film I approached sex through films and so therefore I expected this really magical moment and I was like this is good and fun and I understand why people like it but I didn't feel magical I don't know Poppy how was your first time because you had a bit of a weird first time

I mean it was was it I mean probably not that unusual for people in for an Asian no no no you had a

pretty standard actually I'd say Asian I remember I was out with my mate and I was like oh yeah the fourth of the range of marriage

and he turned around and he looked at me and he was like Poppy who hasn't lol it was absolutely I think the standard and quite fucked up he turned around and looked at me and was like, Bobby, who hasn't? Lol. It was absolutely, I think, the standard and quite fucked up, actually, quite messed up.

Not very good in that, yes, it was definitely underwhelming. And when you looked at the sheets, it was like a massacred chicken carcass in terms of like the bleeding levels. So I was sort of in a marriage that I didn't't want to be in let's just put it that way uh to a cousin which horrified me like I think don't I don't think a lot of my friends don't even know that I married my cousin because there's a sense of shame and embarrassment and guilt I we can talk about that another time how old were you 19 or 20 and then I after my marriage so in the classic Indian Desi way you get married and then you live with the husband and his family and then you consummate the marriage and of course I was a

virgin I was definitely not getting any D I was 100% virgin and then I quickly moved the day I got married I moved back into my parents I mean I didn't move back I didn't leave I just went back to my parents house and then somehow this is so skank, but like the aunties had concocted an idea that I would stay in another auntie's house to consummate my relationship. So I went to this auntie in Romford and stayed with my now ex-husband. And I can honestly, I've never had this feeling since, but I could hear my heart pounding in my head and I've never had this feeling since, but I could hear my heart pounding in my head and I've never had that experience since.

So I was fully dressed up in a salo camise. I mean, I may as well have body armour. There was no way you were getting into my pants. Some of those tiny hooks. I think I even slept with a fricking scarf as well. Not a headscarf, but like the dupatta. And I was like camping socks on. There was no way you were getting skin.

I was on one side of the bed. He was on another side of the bed. I then bring my sister, who I'm very close to. We then live in the, we both live in the living room of this flat. And he's still in the bed. And I'm like, not going to happen, not going to happen, not going to happen. And then we move in to a flat. We have, we get our own flat.

And I thought in that classic Hollywood, Bollywood way that I would have sex with him until I had fallen in love with him. And actually, a real testament to his character, got married in October, had sex in May. Whoa! Roy in his face is like, shall I just give you a moment to...

Roy, wait until the third date! Mop up that, absorb that little fact there. But I, obviously, between October and May, we fooled around and did stuff. And I thought, hey, this is fun. My boobs getting touched. And like, oh, there's like a hand on my many layers of salchimene on my vagina area.

Like, basically, I dry humped for five months. And then I was like, oh, I think I'm in love with him. And I remember he just kept going in and it was almost like a little plug, like something was just, you just get in to a point and I was like, oh, it hurts, it hurts, get out, get out, get out. And get it out. Again, of course, no one tells you about lube. What's the equivalent of lube in my community?

Vaseline? I don't know. Coconut oil. Coconut oil. Every Bengali person has a tub of Vaseline in every room. Every room there's a tub of Vaseline. I'm like, if someone had just said to me, if some cool, trendy auntie had said when I was 15 or 16, hey, lube up. So no lube

and like a little bit of the helmet goes in. And then I'm like, no, no. Goes in. And we did that, I think, honest to God, it felt like 47 minutes. We were like, this is just a joke. Also, clearly, I don't know what, I remember being fully clothed. I had this like, subtle camis that I got. It was like blue and the trousers were beige.

And I was like, I need to get naked. But for whatever reason, I didn't get naked. I didn't get naked. I just took the pants, the trousers off. And then it felt nice and tingly. And I just took the pants, the trousers off. And then, and then it felt nice and tingly and I was like, oh, this is nice.

And then he went through that barrier, he went a little bit through that barrier and I was like, oh my God, it hurts. But then actually, immediately when he broke it, I was like, oh, this is lovely

because like this slippery penis just takes in, just comes inside your vagina and then you just, your vagina sort of, sorry, that was me, your vagina gorges and it just like that's a vagina yeah and i just remember it was a really lovely feeling and i really liked it and my first thought was oh my god i'm gonna have to change the sheets because i know i've been really i was heavily bleeding and my second thought honestly at the time so i was 20 I definitely, I lost my virginity

when I was 20, was this is such a nice feeling. Like, why didn't I do this sooner? I can only hope, Rubina, your experience was not as traumatic as mine. Can I also just say that your aunties were very clever to think that the sexiest thing would be auntie's house, Romford. Like, the two least sexiest

words in the world. I know, I know know and then i got my sister who was like my my um i meant her to be my cock blocker which she was she did a great job she did a great job she's like why am i in this shout out to ruby uh to poppy sister oh my god i love her i love her but anyway what was it was your um rubina was your your virginity as horrific as mine? No, well, I think I, similarly to you, had just really overthought it. So I watched that film American Pie, where like everybody's like, have a deadline to when they lose their virginity

and they have prom. And I was like, I'll do it at school, I'll do it at prom. That's like, you know, the Americans say that that's the thing to do, so that's what I'll do. And I really fancied this guy at school, but he didn't really know that I existed, which was fine, because at prom I told him.

I was like, hello, I'm here, and I'm here to give you my virginity and that's what's gonna happen with us uh anyway we actually ended up getting together and very similar to you we actually dry humped for a very long time and I also really wanted to be in love with somebody when I lost my virginity and I did love him he was my very first love and I was like totally into him and I went to university in Edinburgh and I did love him. He was my very first love and I was like totally into him. And I went to university in Edinburgh and I can't remember telling you this story. Anyway, I went to university in Edinburgh and he was on his gap year and he was like, I'm just going to move up to Edinburgh to be with you. So he was like 18, moved up to Edinburgh and I was like, well, we must be in love because you're here in my dorm room.

So then I was like, well, we're going to fucking do it. It's going to happen. I'm so excited. So we went out for dinner and I did everything that, you know, you my dorm room. So then I was like, well, we're gonna fucking do it. It's gonna happen. I'm so excited. So we went out for dinner. And I did everything that you know, you see in movies, you know, I got the lipstick, I lit candles, I put on the Dawson's Creek soundtrack, and sexy. I had like, oh my god, that's the least sexiest soundtrack I've ever put on. And then I put on some really sexy underwear which just meant matching because you know and I had little like

kind of like black sheer bandau top and yeah I just I did a play by play I did exactly what I see in movies and I tried to make everything

like playing with my hair a lot and being like tonight's the night it's gonna happen I'm still ready for this and I like really loved this guy and so that was fine like that the the kind of intimacy and everything was there but if we want to get down to like the

sex it just felt weird I was like this is strange and also he was a virgin too and we were like very aware that we were doing it together for the first time and actually maybe I'm envious of you Roya because you had somebody who was older but I had somebody who was my age who was literally just like touching me down there with like very little direction or aim. Oh my god our producers literally both had this thing. No one's ever told you how to hold a penis. No one's ever told you what to do with it when you hold it. You just are very aware it's going to go hard. So you're like holding it and then it's I mean it was already hard so I didn't really it's going to go hard. So you're like holding it and then it's, I mean, it was already hard so I didn't really know what to do with it.

I was just like, I'll just kind of stroke it with two hands. Whoa. How big was your boyfriend? It was just like really, really awkward. I mean,

neither of us knew what we were doing at all. So like, and I remember blowing out all the candles and turning off the lights because I was like, you can't see me.

We're going under the covers. Yeah, I did too. I was like, I have like my hand on the lamp anytime I have sex. It's really sad. I like my hand on the lamp any time I have sex. It's really sad. I'm always like on, off, on, off.

But I also think that like contributed to my lack of education about it because I was like, if we had actually taken off the covers, put a nice light on, I would have been like, I can see what's happening because I think I was just like

nervy about my body and I wasn't really fully aware of what I was doing and I think the darkness can hide a multitude of sins. Can I ask you ladies something? Who did you guys tell when you lost

your virginity who was the first person you were like oh my god oh my god I did it everyone who would listen I was like obsessed

with telling everybody that I just I had sex with my boyfriend last night yeah first time oh my god what about you Roya who did you

I was on that whatsapp I think I like I can't believe when you had sex there was whatsapp I just I was so young anyway

I think I said like a round robin I was like you had sex there was WhatsApp. I just, I was so young. Anyway, soz, soz. I think I said like a round robin. I was like, guys, had sex. It was great. And yeah, I loved it. What about you, Poppy? I'm guessing your aunt. She had. Definitely.

I think I told my sister and I told my cousins. And that was it. Did they like high five you? Poppy, or were they like, you know? It's funny, like the way we celebrated sex,

I think you just talk about it in detail. It's like a badge of honour. It's a pact. You're now a woman. You've now had sex, you know? Yeah.

But I did feel like a bit of a badass now that I've, I felt like a grown up. Like, now I've had sex. Yeah. So do you, I hope the answer to this is no but do you have any regrets about your first time yes I wish it

wasn't with him bold bold yeah but that makes complete sense what about you Roya do you have any regrets no I like I if I had waited until I was in a relationship I'd still be waiting so I wouldn't have been able to do this podcast because the producer would be like I need you to talk about sex I'd be like great I can tell you what I've read um so I'm glad that I did it with him and I think I think what's really sad and also really yeah what's really sad is that I had so little self-confidence until I had sex and just felt like, oh, someone's validated my body. And like someone wants to have sex because I was genuinely worried. Like nobody wants to have sex with this body, especially as a brown girl. Like you're you sort of, you know, if you watch porn you you think all your parts

look different to white women's parts like my nipples are a different color downstairs is a different color big lips big lips yeah like totally i think brown women have big lips i'm just putting that out there really okay good all right but you know what i like i'm proud of them i'm like they they do stuff big lips are hot hot. Yeah, yeah. Actually, last guy I dated, or last guy I slept with, said he prefers them. Which then you're like, shit, are you fetishising and stuff? So like, I didn't think that anyone would ever want to have sex with me. So I, and then this really hot guy came along and had sex with me.

And so yeah, no, I'm pretty happy. What about you? I think I completely agree with you on that. Like, when you grow up in this country, and you go to school in this country, and you see all of your white friends that are female hook up with all the nice, like hot, popular boys. And there's like a little group of like brown students that will hang out together, but I'm not really in with them. I'm not really in with anybody. And I felt like a complete outsider and I was like tall gangly tall I'm like 5'11 and I was like 5'11 when I was there that age too probably and had braces I had a moustache I had glasses I was awkward as hell and like to get to the point where you can a find somebody who likes you for

the first time it's so exciting especially if you like them back and then if you can have sex with them which feels like the ultimate human intimate connection that you can have with somebody I just felt like you know queen of the world I was like I'm nailing life right now and I mean that's not kind of a bad way to think about it but I do think like good sex with somebody good and it does just give you so much confidence about yourself and then I was like if I can have sex with you and when I was at school I thought this guy looked like Heath Ledger and all of my friends did and I was like if I can have sex with you imagine who I could have sex with that's such a good way of looking at it I mean Poppy like disc like discounting the first arranged marriage cousin

guy which I mean that's a whole mouthful I think you should write a book like that's pretty impressive discounting him the sex you had afterwards i'm guessing you don't regret that no i don't no no no i don't regret the sex i had afterwards but it was very rushed and very it felt very bucket listy i was catching up on a lot of sex and fucking that i hadn't done quite frankly and shagging around that i desperately wanted to do so i got divorced at 25 or 26 i think think, 25, 26. And then I just went mental. My legs were wide open for business. But I look back on it. It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. I don't have any regrets. But it was what I was saying earlier about the way I see sex. I think because of my family and my community and the way I perceive sex, it's not this magical, wonderful thing.

It's just an activity. That's why when we talk about that, that's why we should talk about it. And it still sort of angers me slightly that there isn't a safe space for women to talk about sex. I got my sex education from a 10 year old. You know, my auntie couldn't even take me into the kitchen to just say, look, this is what happens when you get married. And it's a bit weird that this podcast will probably in some circles be considered quite radical. Absolutely. And it's like, oh, my God, it's not.

We're just literally speaking about something that happens all the time to everybody. Like, let's just be honest. Absolutely. This podcast, it's funny. I equate this to Saudi women driving. But for our community, this is Saudi women driving. Because we don't talk about it. And I think we're all kind of battling against that a little bit within

ourselves. Like, we are very comfortable, the three of us talk about it. We definitely have moments where we're like, should I say this? Is this too much? Well, you know, especially when you have shame banded around your whole bloody life. It's like, you're quite hardwired to think, oh, sex, it's bad. But when you don't when you when

you don't have a safe space to talk about i mean i know i've got so many cousins and mates who like shag in the back of cars we pretend 16 year olds aren't having sex let me tell you something auntie and uncles your kids are banging they are banging like rabbits exactly and you have to make it safe and i don't think that we're there so this is the we're basically driving the car and leading the way when i told my white friends we're there. So this is the, we're basically driving the car and leading the way. When I told my white friends we're talking about sex, they were like, so.

Exactly. They were like, so. We talk about it all the time. But it's like, you know, it's this kind of, it's normalising it and making it mainstream and making it okay.

I think especially in cultures where like sexual violence statistics are quite high, domestic violence statistics are quite high, like if we're in a place where women aren't feeling like they are in control of their sexual selves, and partly that comes down to us not speaking about it.

It's like re-empowering women to be able to say no or yes, I consent. I'm enjoying this. I would like this. Making that first move and kind of being the, you know, they're like authors of their own destiny in some way because otherwise you just feel like everyone else will just control your sex, like everything that's happening in your life

to do with sex. That's just crazy. Okay, ladies, what do you think are the biggest myths around losing your virginity? I would say that you're going to A, enjoy it, or B, orgasm. My one would be that I just was taught that you're definitely going to bleed

and I didn't even have a spot. Oh, but I didn't bleed with the first guy, I bled with the second guy. That's not saying anything about the first guy's size. It's just saying something about the second guy's size. How does that work? So you bleed with the first first guy but you bled and it was like sex bleeds virgin bleed yeah yeah the second guy was hello girth on mr second guy i know yeah it wasn't good with the second guy he was like like rampant rabbit it was you know

i would have really liked to hear i'd be in the room for the first time i lost my virginity if i could go back and i would just like to hear if i was in the room for the first time I lost my virginity if I could go back I would just like to hear if I was like performing because so much of the first time you lose whether you have sex

and so much of your first time you don't know what you're doing so all you've got is movies and I'm pretty sure I was just like

oh my god this is amazing he's like I haven't even touched you yet you're basically mimicking it's porn sex

it's porn star sex it's basically chick flick sex it's what you picked up and you like swing your hair around. And you make like, I think I'd usually go for a low moan now,

but maybe at the time it was more like, ah, ah, ah. It's more breathy. Breathy, yeah. But like breathy, and also like maybe quite a bit Bollywood in there. Like a, you know. Oh, I love that.

How would Aishwarya Rai look if she was getting danged? Like this? Hands over the head. Oh yeah, it's very much like, take me this? Hands over the head. Oh, yeah. It's very much like, take me, you know, dominate me. Yeah, dominate me. Which, you know, still is a theme that I run with now. A bit of domination is always hard.

But you should, you know, switch up the roles. I think one of the biggest myths for me about virginity is it's like, it's this special, wonderful, amazing thing. And it can be, absolutely. But also, it can equally not be and that's fine as well yeah um i think you can have special wonderful sex and you can also have special wonderful like cheeseburgers like life is just it's just it's just another one of those things i mean and and don't put too much pressure on it i feel like this whole hype yeah so much hype

there's so much pressure and hype and the hype doesn't even match what happens exactly ever it's like you and the candles are making it sweet and your guy actually

if I think from the three of our virginity stories Roar is one in terms of respect but also like he made you he made you respect

what did you say sorry he made you respect yourself or respect your body yeah and I think also it's like I've got a few Asian friends who are in their 30s and still haven't had sex. What?

Well, like they just, you know, they're waiting till marriage and I just sort of want to be like, just do it. I completely respect anybody who chooses to wait until they get married to have sex. And that is a total choice, but definitely make sure it feels like your choice. Absolutely. And it's your body and your choice. And if you want to have sex, like, at the legal age to do it

or, like, if you want to wait until you meet someone or if you want to do it into your 30s, it doesn't matter. Just make sure you are educated and you know about it and definitely masturbate. Brown girls do it too. So, Rabina, what would you tell virgin Rabina? I would tell her to stop being a dweeb and I would tell her to try and have some fun losing her virginity and to definitely use lube like what

about you Poppy I would tell virgin Poppy what virgin Rabina told herself about using lube but also that sex is not this like this like precious little thing it's just an activity enjoy it be safe with it and maybe start getting on it sooner than you did virgin poppy what about you roy what would you tell virgin roy i would tell virgin roy to get on Tinder quicker and I would tell her that sex isn't going to be what she expected but it's still pretty great uh so do it and yeah that's us on virginity guys you can carry on this conversation with us using hashtag brown girls on all social media you've been listening to brown girls do it too make sure you subscribe to us so we pop up in the My Sounds tab in the BBC Sounds app. And please tell your friends about us.

Do it. Do it. Because next episode, we will be talking about the kind of self-love that everybody enjoys. It's masturbation time. Hello! Hello! Brown Girls Do It Too. My name is jacob hawley i'm a stand-up comedian and in this podcast i'm going to be exploring every corner of british drug culture for years i've been making money from telling jokes about drugs from doing stand-up comedy that's sort of based on my own recreational experience but in

this podcast i'm going to be taking a deeper look at the way drugs affect everything in the uk you know if you've got politicians he could be the next prime minister of our country. If you've got someone like that saying that they've dabbled with that, it's about looking at how we as a society look at drugs as a whole. Welcome to Jacob Hawley on drugs. Subscribe now on BBC Sounds and we'll see you soon.