Brown Girls Do It Too - Series 3: Growing Pains

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

Poppy and Rubina reflect on the many ways their lives have changed since Series 2

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. We are obliged to warn you that this piece of delicious audio content sits more in the dessert section of the menu. Something sweet, something for afters, something you need to sneak into your fridge and get. It's so naughty, even Nigella wouldn't lick it off her finger. There's content of an adult nature here. And if you don't have an appetite for strong language,

then head over to BBC Sounds, where there are many other options to wet your palate. I'm Poppy. I'm Raveena. And this is Brown Girls Do It Too. Season three of Brown Girls Do It Too. And we're still doing it and doing it well, I should add. Do you think we make it to season three? Because I thought we'd be a one-hit wonder. A bit like Chimba Wumba. I get knocked down, but I get up again.

You're never gonna get me down. Do you know what I think is really funny about mine and your voices? Yeah. We're like white van men trapped in the bodies of Asian women. We're like, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's. But actually, like, the front is this Asian,

this kind of Asian woman. I forget that we look like this and we can't say the things that we're saying because we're brown women. Or maybe we can. Brown girls do it too. Why do you feel like we need to continue on this podcast? Like, why do you think we need to do series three?

Why did you want to come back to do series three? For you. Why did I come back to do Series 3? A, because it's with you and I have so much fun. And B, I really think, or is it C, this is a public service. And honestly, it's because of the women that have slid into our DMs who've emailed us to say, where were you when I was 16? And do you know what I say to them? Where were you when I was 16? And do you know what

I say to them? Where was me when I was 16? Because I needed an us growing up. I didn't have that. And clearly from, and I know we talk about, I feel like we talk about this a bit too much. Like we get so many trolls and we all know we get trolls, blah, blah, blah. But the incredibly positive messages that we get from women saying, you've put the fun back in sex. You've put the fun back in sex you put the laughter back in sex you've taken it you've taken the shame away you've taken the judgment away and i think things can only get bigger and better and look you and i might not be doing this series forever we will i'm sure eventually at some point pass the baton onto two

other or three other amazing brown women who have, you know, we've helped move the conversation on and in X number of years time, it might be something completely different. But I think we need to talk about this. And I feel compelled to just because of the messages that we receive. Why are you back in the BBC building? They let us back in. Yeah. I think for me,

like sex is a real prism with which to talk about so many other things like race, class, gender, our bodies.

But I also think it's just really important for Asian women to be seen as lots of multiple things. And if we have to be like sexy clowns, which is what I think

we are by the way. I personally think we're sexy clowns. If we have to be sexy clowns to be like the weirdest person in the room so that it lets everybody else just be themselves yeah i'm game yeah let's do it let's do it let's crack on let's do a sexy clown show a classic would be nothing to say so classic uh so we've been away for a while and we thought we'd kick off this new series just a little catch up on what's been happening to us because a hell of a lot has happened um this podcast has brought us so much joy and we've met so many of you which has been absolutely wonderful yeah massive shout out to all of those wonderful melanin mamas out there who got in touch and asked

us to make more content we are back because of you this series is all for the south asian ladies out there finding your voice before we kick off um i just wanted to warn you all we are not sexperts but all our knowledge is based on the many sexy mistakes we've made in hopes that you the listener might make your own too so where are we now and what have have we learned? Absolutely sweet fuck all. This episode is called Growing Pains. Growing big, growing apart and growing up. So where are we picking up from? Because a lot has happened.

When was the last time we recorded the last episode of Series 2? It was over a Zoom. Like we couldn't do anything. I actually can't even remember recording Series 2. It was all just such a blur. Yeah. Like, I just got a little flashback into, like,

Sadia Asma with condoms pinned to her either nipple. Do you know what I mean? Like, lots of technical faults. What is that? Lots of technical faults. Lots of technical faults. Having to start and stop again. Yeah.

It's funny. I went through my photos today, my 2021 photos, to be like, what did Poppy and I do? And I tried to find all the photos I did with you. And we did so much last year. But as well as all the kind of professional milestones we have hit with Brand Gossip 2, we had quite a lot of personal news. Yeah. I broke up with my partner of 10 years.

Oh, that is huge. It's huge. I broke up with the man of my dreams the end of November last year. I still don't know what year it is. Is it 2022 right now? Yeah. Yeah. So I broke up with him in the end of my dreams the end of november last year i still don't know what year it is is it 2022 right now yeah yeah so i woke up with him in the end of november 2021 and then you and i hit the ground running two weeks of full-on rehearsals like 10 hours a day for two weeks that kind of took my mind off of the pain of that um and then i went on my first ever date on the 22nd of December. It was actually amazing.

I was there to witness Poppy use dating apps. Yeah. I was a woman on a mission. She had like all of them downloaded on her phone. And if you'd seen some of the messages she was directly sending these guys first off the bat. It was basically like, wanna fuck? Wanna fuck? Wanna fuck? She was like, look at this guy, look at this guy. And she was

on every single one she was like like tinder bumble field raya raya all of them literally i'm i was on all of them hinge and i'm very efficient i'm so efficient i have an excel spreadsheet of um all the men that i spoke to so on one of the, some apps you feel butters and on other apps you feel like a goddess. So this particular app, I was a goddess because I got like 6,000 likes. Wow. I know. And what they did was to entice me in, they gave me free membership. Because this is the other thing with these dating apps.

When you first go on them, and bearing in mind I'm a geriatric millennial, okay, I've never dated online in my life. And dating when you're in your 30s is euphoric i could not recommend it more because you have a zero fucks given attitude you're confident as a woman you know what you want and you don't mess around does he like me does he not people cancel on you there was one guy i was supposed to meet in a hotel do you know what he did he randomly messaged me saying, are you free? And it was evidently clear that his first option bailed on him. Okay.

It was evidently clear. I could tell. It's like, don't play a player. All right. This is early on. And then he messaged saying, I'm going to be in this hotel at 10pm. I was like, cool. I got ready.

I judged up. 10.05, 10.07, 10.17, 10.20. I remember these times. I kept looking at my watch. Didn't get a message from him. Wasn't hearing from him. So you're in the hotel? No, I'm at home waiting for him to be like,

hey, I'm at the hotel. Come on through. And he messaged earlier to say he's going to be at the hotel at 10pm. I hadn't heard from him. And then at like 10.37, I get this dry as fuck message. In fact, I can show you,

saying, hey, my two friends came and they're staying with me, so I'm so sorry. I can't see you, you know, or whatever. Like, it was so, it was so bad. Like, it was so shit.

Clearly, his first option, who had flaked, had turned around and said, yeah, I'm here. Or, do you think he Googled you and was like, this girl has a sex podcast and I am not playing with fire? No, see, this is the other thing.

It's a real hazard when you're trying to fucking get laid and then people Google you and they can see you've had a sex podcast. Fortunately, I have a... Oh, he's online. Fortunately, I don't give out my surname. Okay. And so they can't really Google me, but you could do a reverse Google image search. out my surname. Okay. And so they can't really Google me,

but you could do a reverse Google image search. Oh my God, yeah. And I'm sure everyone does that. Some people, clever ones do that. Idiots don't. On Hinge, for instance, my age range was from 21 to 25. And all young men asked to see your Instagram, A, to make sure you're not catfishing,

and B, just to see how you are as a human being. And I purposefully, I unmatched with so many people because I wouldn't give them my Instagram handle. Wow. Number one. Number two, you have to have a thick skin because people flake on you, people cancel on you and you just got to pick up, dust yourself off. I remember I was with you and Sam, our theatre director, and and holy smokes i think he was catfishing me one of the most beautiful men had messaged me and matched with me and i was messaging him and then he suddenly i i clearly said something i want to fuck and then he unmatched me and that was just like that was my first taste of like rejection and feeling hurt but very quickly i got over it and i swear to God, if any woman is listening and they need advice,

I should be giving out workshops and TED Talks on how to date. Because you literally... You have nailed it. Honestly, I think I spend so many, so much time listening

to my friends and friends of friends being like, oh, he didn't like me, he didn't text me. It's like, babe, grow up, get over yourself,

there are plenty more fish in the sea dust yourself off and get back out there my favorite take shit personally my favorite line that you ever told me was when you were like what you got to do is not care make them fall in love with you and then reveal that you're crazy yes that was really good but it's hard i remember my very first internet date ever i went on a tinder date went to the pub to meet this guy he was french i was really excited just like oh frankfurt yeah and i turned up and we had one drink and then he was like anyway i'm gonna go and i was like wow oh wow you did not like me that was very clear but i remember thinking not like i didn't feel bad about it because i was

like you didn't really know me and i don't really think that's an insult you can't you can't take it personally you can't so this one here, he's like, do you fuck on the first date? I said, yes, I fuck on the first date. Best to get it out of the way. Why wait for three dates when you can know on the first? Much like your French guy. I'm trying to find the message where he's like,

so sorry, plans have changed, got lumped with two mates staying. That was his excuse. That was his excuse for not. What did you respond? No worries. Obviously. I love that you were like, that was his excuse that's it that was his excuse for not what did you respond no worries obviously I love that you were like

he piped me off I'm mad at him and then do you know what I did and you know how smart I am I knew I could feel a flake in my loins

so you know what I did I had a backup so I went to see someone I got done up not gonna waste that I'm not gonna waste that yeah and I lined up

to maybe a third just in case he was going to flake. And he did. Smart. So smart. And it's insane. Like the dating world is insane. I'm literally built for it. I'm not going to lie because it is so easy for me to date.

I'm so confident. I either put people off or they love it. But it is, it's, it's, it's a minefield. It's. And how was it? How was it coming out of a very long-term relationship and being single again? Because you must have not remembered what it was like. You were with someone for 10 years.

You must have not remembered what it was like to be single. You know, I felt this immense sense of freedom. I won't lie. Because before my partner, I was in a marriage. I'd never had any... I've gone from a relationship to... I was a virgin, went into a marriage, and then went into another long-term marriage, effectively. I wasn't married to my ex-partner but it was a 10 year it's longer than

most real marriages yeah I felt this immense sense of freedom because I think also I hadn't had any boyfriends I hadn't experienced life I hadn't done the dating thing I hadn't done any of that stuff and I also had to ask myself some big questions like am I built for monogamy because I don't think that I am the narcissist in me was just like owning it I knew it was easy like it is easy for me I mean yes there's I mean you've dated online there's the pre-chat the pre-game chat hey hey hey it's really like statistical analysis you've got to like throw back 10 tomatoes on a wall I was ferocious though I look at some of my friends' hinges and they're talking to five guys.

I've got 125 active chats. Wow. And are they mostly white guys? So this is the other thing. I don't know how we're going to, this could be a bit controversial, but yes, I've only ever really gone out with white guys.

But are all your matches currently white guys? No, no, not at all. They're women as well. I'm going out with women. Are they all your matches currently no no not at all they're women as well i'm going out with women are they white people okay uh yes no no she's like um how do i how do i come back no okay so i'm looking at it now and they are yeah they are mostly white but there's some black guys in there asian guys in there so i wanted to take one for the team being not you know look um asian asian guys no um, Asian guys don't match with me. So you haven't matched

with one Asian guy? No, no, sorry. I have matched with Asian guys but they're really not good looking and I'm really, I really want to

for my own sanity and for hashtag content. I'm joking. I really want to fuck an Asian guy. I really want to. Like specifically Bengali, Bangladeshi?

Bangladeshi, Pakistani, Indian, Sri Lankan, Bangladeshi would be quite good wouldn't it? It would be quite good. Have you ever had sex with a Bangladeshi guy? Nohi, Pakistani, Indian, Sri Lankan, Arctic. Bangladeshi would be quite good, wouldn't it? It would be quite good. Have you ever had sex with a Bangladeshi guy?

No, other than my ex-husband, no. I know. So I was just like, I'm single now. I can fuck women. It's really funny. I match with lots of very young women. They're like in their 20s. And my friend, who's a lesbian, was like,

don't go out with young women because you might accidentally me too them and like don't go out with young women because you might accidentally me too them and not know go out go out with someone older because you know we're just like like white men driver a human this like fucking asian body she's like go out with and you don't know what the fuck you're doing this is my lesbian friend telling me which is so true i don't know what the fuck i'm doing with women um so she's like go out with older lesbian women and they can show you the way and then and then they're older and you have a bit of a shorthand in terms of what they might may or may not be offended by etc etc so i thought that was a good

bit of advice but um no i look for better or for worse and i'll probably get trolled for saying this i really wanted to work through the continents open up my my my my race palette and and not just go for white guys because that was the real problem. I mean, we talked about this in series one and two, like wanting to be a white skinny girl and wanting to fuck the white guy. But I'm really, I've definitely not like that. Yeah, I mean, I tend to match with white guys,

but right now I'm like, yeah, I'll fuck anyone that's fucking hot. Have you met someone on a date not had a drink and slept with them? Yes. Wow, that's impressive yes and i thought and it's it's all part of me discovering my sexual boundaries right i was effectively and actually ironically a good muslim girl for the last god knows how many years of my life most of my life because i've only been with two men um and there's an app called pure i didn't do it through pure but you literally just hook up with people. They come to your house and you fuck them and then they leave.

It's like there's no social lubricant at all. It was New Year's Day. OK, I was insanely hungover on my own for the first time. Usually I'd spend it with my ex-partner. So it felt strange. And, you know, when you're hungover the next day, you feel very sorry for yourself and whatever. And this guy I'd been talking to on one of the dating apps, his chat was good um started something up he was clearly really horny and i was like two deliveries in with a bait with a food baby in my pajamas like i was like absolutely

no way but he'd got the juices flowing his chat was good he was tall blonde white fucking hell anyway i see a pattern emerging so he comes around i'm trying to change his pattern by the way he comes around oh my god he smells of like lynx africa okay like a really cheap lynx like deodorant and his chat is so dry and and i'm sitting there like it's like a job interview and i obviously got zhuzhed up and i was like so have you done this before then it was so bad not a drop he didn't want to he didn't want to drink and I was like if he doesn't want to drink I'm not going to drink and then um he had a massive cock how does it start though sorry it's just you've gone from you know he didn't want to drink I didn't want to

drink to he had a massive cock I think I'm just missing some of the like so it's like show me your massive cock so it's like a job interview it's literally... You're like, show me your massive cock. So it's like a job interview. It's like, oh, how was your night? What did you do? Oh, wow, cool. Have you done this before? Oh, wow, okay, great.

Should we do it then? No. Yes. Shall we do it then? Yeah, shall we? Well, that really is a brown girl doing it too. Shall we do it then? I've been doing it here, I've been doing it there.

Would you like to do it with me now? That is pretty much how the conversation went. Very impressive. It was like, you know, 12 minutes of pre-game chat, a bit of banter, hardly banter, his chat was dry, and as a result, my chat was dry too. I'm not going to blame him. Shall we do it now?

He was on a massive, like, he was really hungover on, you know, we'd all been out the night before, separately, obviously. Went into the bedroom, like, he was really hungover on, like, you know, we'd all been out the night before, separately, obviously. Went to the bedroom, stripped. Oh, yeah, this is the thing. He was in the bathroom for ages. He was in the bathroom for ages. Like, is he taking a shit? What's he doing?

And I was just, like, lying there waiting for him. He comes out. His cock's huge. Like, I remember when I put my mouth around his dick, I was like, ah, it was, like, huge. Like, the girth was huge and then um he came within four minutes right really quick and then he came and his penis was so flaccid but he was just like slapping it against my vagina and i'm and i'm on all fours like what is he what's going

on you're like this is over this is like this is very much over you you can leave now because this is so bad as he was like flapping his flaccid penis against my fad i was like what delivery i'm gonna get i was like maybe i should get a curry and then he left and i could not wait for him to leave he left so quickly and then bless him he apologized he he apologized on the um on the dating app for his poor performance usually i'd give feedback i was just unmatched him because i couldn't be asked but the learning sorry there's there's a point to this story i learned that i can't really do cold hookups i need to drink and they need i need some connection i need some connection and because i thought this is the other thing when you've been in

when you've had one kind of sex for a long time and the sex with my ex-partner was amazing and great and he's still the person who's made me cum the most five and a half times in one session

it's one kind of sex yeah and you know now I want to explore all the different types of sex that's available and I think right now as well

you know with our podcast it's a different time you know people are much you know people are experimenting gender and sexuality is much more fluid etc etc so I was like what are my lines what are my boundaries and you're discovering them and I just I'm discovering them at the moment and I realize no I need some connection I'm not this cold-hearted um slut bag as I claim to be I'm a slut but I'm just I'm not like a yeah come fuck me and then leave I I need something I need banter I need something

um so I I'm not going to do that again that's good though you found your lines I think it's really important to like go all the way up to your lines right and be like yeah and then push it a bit and then maybe go beyond it and then be like all right I'm coming back or go out further but um yeah because some people don't even want to do a one night stand. They think that that's like, for them it's just like too much. I remember the time

when I was like chatting to friends and everyone was like, oh yeah, I can't, I couldn't do a one night stand. It just makes me feel so guilty. I feel so dirty the next day. And I was like, yeah, I don't.

I don't feel that. I think I'd be quite fine with it. I remember speaking to one guy and I'm like, if you're, he was on a date with someone and I messaged him and I said,

if she doesn't put out, call me and I'll come fuck you. And she didn't, so he called me. So I literally went over, fucked him and then left. And this is the other thing, I always leave and I expect them to leave. But it's interesting because when I'm speaking to them, he's like, oh, I want them to leave too, but you can't really chuck a girl out at four o'clock in the morning, which is so true, it's kind of not safe.

That's kind of why you need to lay everything out at the top. Oh, date one. I'm not looking for anything serious. This is casual. I like people who leave at 4am. Thanks. Yeah. You know, I told you this.

I don't believe in the one. I don't believe in long-term anything. I mean, if you're... We're still growing, right? So I'm yet to meet someone who is in our generation, in their 70s, in love, having sex and happy.

We're still yet to see that because obviously we're not 70. And I think when it does happen, you have literally won the lottery in life. I think when I divorced my ex-husband at the age of 24 or 5, it really shattered every Disney and Asian illusion that I had of not even necessarily happily ever after, but marriage is forever. Because there's been been there was one divorce

I was the second divorce in an entire generation from my extended family so that's when I was just like wow things are not meant to be so I don't believe in the one I believe in the one right now

or the many ones right now we're back for a new series press is the podcast where you get to air what has you guys pressed and what gets us

pressed more dilemmas who does that more voice notes so why are you asking me out for if you don't know what to do

and more relationship tremors wait so you told YouTube before you told your mother yeah babe you are mad.

I'm mad, babe. Boom. One extra present, fresh. Listen on BBC Sounds. Brown girls do it too. So let's talk about you because I've been

rabbiting on about me. So, so, since the last season of Brown Girls Do It Too, you did have a bun in the oven didn't you no i didn't we ended the series and i wasn't pregnant you weren't pregnant no no no i i got pregnant last summer um after thinking hey it would be fun to have a kid and trying to have a kid uh trying for a while to have a kid and then getting pregnant wow so you weren't even pregnant we were still going out and getting shit faced oh yeah yeah yeah definitely definitely i thought

you because it's such a the last two three years is such a blur i thought you were pregnant on those zooms no no not at all not at all yeah so last summer of 2021 last summer yeah and yeah i don't like it just it to be honest i've got to be honest it happened really quickly it was suddenly like oh i'm pregnant oh i have a child oh I'm a mum that all just happened really quickly yeah um and yeah being pregnant is nuts like growing like physically growing and just having like this thing inside of you because I remember you telling me you're pregnant and I was like okay cool and then yeah I called you I called you to tell you I was pregnant because I was like really worried about what it meant for the podcast.

Really worried about what it meant for us. And I was like, how can I do a sex podcast when I literally am pregnant? I'm not having any sex. Am I qualified? And then we had this big TV, potential TV thing. Oh yeah, I do remember that conversation. I was so nervous. I was like, I really wanted to tell you first.

And I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm pregnant. Actually, the announcement of telling people that you're pregnant is a fucking big deal. Like so many people like labour over when. So firstly, you're like, how far along in your pregnancy do you feel safe to tell people?

Isn't it the three month mark? The 12 week mark? Lots of people do it at different times. I think I, 12 weeks is when people like have their first scan so they try to do it then but I think I told you earlier

because I just wanted to share that with you. Yeah, you secretly told me and I was really happy by the way. Yeah, she was, probably was like the complete reaction because I thought she was going to be like then but i think i told you earlier because i just wanted to yeah you see you told me i was really happy by the way yeah she was probably was like the complete reaction because i thought she was gonna be like oh mate what have you done i'm never gonna do that to you i was like you jump i jump remember yeah our rule has always been and i think this is why we work by the way rubina would never have been friends with me in real life anyway it's because she's been forced to but my rule has always been if one of us is unhappy we're both unhappy because

then it just doesn't work and i remember you telling me and i remember you being happy for you but obviously the narcissist in me like she didn't mean that she's the fat one no but it's insane this summer you were pregnant you told me and then the little bubs arrived what three weeks early three weeks early in jan of this year january of this year it's like it's actually been such a whirlwind and like I didn't have time to prepare and also because your body changes

it changes really slowly at the start of pregnancy right you're not really you're not really showing and then suddenly like three months in it goes grow grow grow and every day

you're getting bigger and bigger and bigger and you're like whoa this is so sci-fi this is so strange and I'm quite tall so you can't like not many people

could like know straight away so people were like oh she's one of them in lockdown pounds and I'm i mean there's a baby there's a baby in here i promise i promise um but you looked great you're have you seen a bengali woman get pregnant their earlobes get fat man they're like whales god things happen so quickly really quickly and it's mad like just that you can that your life can completely change and everyone tells you you know when you become a mom your life will be completely different and i was always like yeah all right your life's different ah my life's gonna be the same there's gonna be a little kid involved everything's gonna be the same like I'm

gonna still do everything I want to do I'm still gonna be me and like you know I've really tried to stick to that but it's so hard like being a mum is so hard what is the one thing what is the three things they don't tell you about motherhood so many things I think I was actually really naive about what being a mum was going to be like in every single way i thought it was like yeah i'll be really jokes i have this kid and we'll like read together exactly um no like it's super hardcore like that people don't tell you that it's like it is actually a 24-hour job people think like oh you know they have they sleep a lot like kids sleep a lot but like it's not that they don't sleep that much don't sleep at all they don't sleep much and when they're sleeping you think oh yeah i'll read a book no no you

clean all the shit that you've left behind you've got like bottles and nappies and everything you've got to clean everything and the other thing i would say is like your body changes so much yeah i remember you telling me about this like my nipples are like this big like like actual sources like i'm gonna target for my son's mouth and also like you know what's happening down there then do you have a vagina change i think that it must change actually i'd really like to do another vulva casting to see how much my vulva has changed post uh baby but no one ever tells you that your libido completely shifts yeah because you have a very fucking high sex drive

so i used to have a very very high sex drive i think i was somebody who was interested in sex i like talking about sex i loved having sex and then ever since he's come into my life it's been like i like really i have less of an interest in it like hearing you talk about all the people that you're sleeping with i'm like oh, oh, mate, that sounds exhausting. Yeah, OK. It makes me feel tired just thinking about that. Rather than like, oh, my God, that's so exciting. I'm like...

But can we go back a bit? What was your libido like when you were pregnant? Oh, high. OK. So you and your partner were just like, bang, bang, bang, bang, OK. Well, no, not really, because it's actually really hard to have... I found it quite difficult to have sex when you're pregnant because... Are you missionary or, bang, bang, bang, okay. Well, no, not really, because it's actually really hard to have, I found it quite difficult to have sex when you're pregnant,

because... Are you missionary, or are you on top? Oh, no, behind. Oh, behind, doggy, doggy, yeah, of course, what am I talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's nothing else you can do. But also, it's, you feel, I mean, I wasn't feeling guilty, but I was always like, you know, it's me and my partner, we're having sex, but there's also someone else there.

There's someone else in the room with you? There's someone else there. God, you're such a pervert. Then you're like, if you're having sex and you feel the baby kick. I found it all a bit intense, having sex, being pregnant. But I really want, I was like, you know, I masturbate all the time. Every day, all the time.

Are you wanking since? Rarely. Yeah, and I used to like love to masturbate. You love self-care, going around the park slowly. I thought it was very good. It was like a healthy thing that you just do regularly for your own wellness. We have an entire episode dedicated to self-care. Now, I actually probably couldn't tell you the last time I masturbated.

Wow. When was the last time you had sex? Two weeks ago. Wow. Yeah. Last time I had sex was three hours ago. Three hours and 31 minutes ago was the last time i had sex that's amazing i am fucking constantly wow all the time amazing yeah so it's really interesting that we've both been from fucking or certainly liking yeah yeah being

horny and masturbating to you not at all but do you think that's just because you have a tiny baby on your boob constantly i don't think it's just that i honestly think the hormone changes that happen to you when you're pregnant and turn into a mother i think they completely shift your libido like i have to remind myself that masturbating is fun oh yeah i've got to make time for that why does it come up as an iCal like an iCal maybe touch yourself Tuesday Zoom 2 o'clock remember to wank 2.30

I know because then when I have since having the baby when I have I'm like oh my god this is good

but do you know what it doesn't feel as good as it used to oh yeah I wonder if actually having a baby has like numbed out

my pleasure senses a bit if anyone is listening and is a new mother like Rubina. And feels that I'd love to hear from them. Please email, what is our email? Branglesit2 at BBC.co.uk. That is fascinating. And it's not as good. Shit.

I don't know if it is as good. I just don't know. Because I mean like the stuff that I enjoy now is so different. Like I can't explain it. It's like priority shift is insane. Like, my entire perspective has shifted. It's honestly like having a child is like waking up in the same world, but you're a completely different person. Wow.

And you're like, I'm learning who I am as a new person at the moment. And I'm like, who am I? What do I enjoy? What do I think is important? Did you tell me recently you can't enjoy porn anymore you don't watch porn anymore because of the little bubs

no can't but that's because I think that's because the baby monitor because I'm like oh because the baby monitor's always there yeah exactly

that would creep me out too no it's creepy wow okay so you don't and sex are you having sex or no

yeah but not as regularly no way and like i'm so tired as well so actually when we get to be in bed together with like you think that's the crux of it the reason why is something as simple as you're just tired all the time like you you have to wake up and feed him three times a night and then like you said when he's sleeping and napping you're washing his bibs and his dirty soiled clothes and it's just constant constant and then in the middle of

that you're trying to do this and your job and you've got no time you've got no time i've got no time but also you i mean i know there's mothers out there who make time for sex i just feel like for me i've just been like it's completely shifted what i think about sex as well yeah so like i i can't see it as just, like, bang, bang, bang, like, you anymore. And, like, oh, this is the moment that we get to, like, be intimate together. I'm really excited about this moment.

We can reconnect. Because that is what sex is for me now. It's, like, reconnecting my partner and, like, remembering that we did this to get to this little boy. And you made him. And we made him. And he's so beautiful.

We all completely change women, aren't we? In every single way. We've come a long way. Also, just, like, the way we're thinking about our bodies like you just went really like kind of health conscious yeah everything whereas i was like i was just pregnant and i couldn't really think about like exercise and getting fit i was like i've just got to like be nutritious for my kid yeah and also breastfeeding i'm like i need to be nutritious for him i can't be like on any kind of fad diet or like cut out carb or anything i've got to be like healthy for him and

i was on a total fad well not fad diet or like cut out carbs or anything. I've got to be like healthy for him. And I was on a total fad, well not fad diet, but I was really watching the calories, watching what I was eating. Yeah, it was so different in every way. And I like, now, I used to think of myself as quite sexy, but now I look at my body and I'm like, I am a mum. Listen to me. Those boobs are quite mumsy. Let me explain something to you. Like, you have hardly any makeup on your skin looks fucking amazing you have legs to die for and you you're not a bengali lady thank you lucky stars okay and they

say you lose weight when you're just breastfeeding all the time it's easier to lose weight isn't it well yeah i'm not am i like uh whatever like i don't feel like my peak self i don't think but that's because i think i'm just four months into being a mom like yeah would i because it's a lot of expectation as well to feel like constantly at your level which is why that when when that model emily ratajowski i can't pronounce her surname but you know when she just like held her baby and had a do you know that model yeah yeah you know the blurred lines model um and she came under a lot of criticism for saying that because the reality is not only famous people with a living chef and a nutritionist and a personal trainer can do that.

Oh my God. Most women can't. And I think, and also in terms of your identity and you as a woman, you know, before you were a beener, you were the sex podcast girl or whatever. Do you feel now people just see you as a mother?

And if you do feel that, do you feel saddened by that or are you like yeah i am a mom now and that is part of my identity and it's going to be a big part of my identity for a while i think i've gone through a process of unlearning because i think it's like me having seen moms being like oh yeah so and so's a mom that's like part of her identity whereas i'm like oh my god that's like a really powerful amazing cool thing that that person also does with their life it's like they literally raise they're raising a human being but do you not do you not sometimes think you can go the other way where it's all you're seen as as a mum sometimes yeah i mean definitely but i want the people to now think

about motherhood in a different way like yeah what modern motherhood really is and also like i've got to do loads of fun equal things with my partner like we're doing shared parental leave we combination feed so i'm not the only person in charge of feeding i'm trying to do everything so it feels like equal so that when my son looks at us he sees two parents yeah not mum and dad just two people who look after him and also coming from brown backgrounds it was my mum my mum and i imagine your mum predominantly doing 99.9 percent of the child care child care absolutely uh obviously my dad did a big hefty amount he paid for us to eat and live but my mum did everything else in terms of providing emotional support or in her case no emotional support which she called emotional support and just everything

like i'm not gonna like throw under the bus i think also like i realized for me i'm always in a really really good mood when my mum's happy like if my mum's sad i'm devastated yeah and so for me i realize i need to look after myself, number one, and then I'll be a good mum. But when I can be happy, when I've had time away from him, with my friends and like finding my old self, I'll be the best mum ever. Because I'll come back to you and be like,

I love you, I'm excited by you, I'm invigorated by the whole thing. And I don't let myself get exhausted, like too exhausted by it. Which is like, you know, my mum sees me do that and she's like, how can you leave him all day? How can you spend a minute away from him?

I'm like, because that is when I'll be a good mum. Yes. Brown girls do it too. Thank you for listening to Series 3, Episode 1. Do it in an Asian accent there. Thank you.

Okay, but which one though? Am I doing... You always do that kind of... Thank you. There are so many different types of Indian accents yeah it's true

like all South Asian accents it's true it's really different it's different it's like am I doing like sounds awful but am I doing like a lower caste accent

an upper caste accent am I doing yeah but they sound different it's they do sound different why don't you do go and girl in LA oh god

go and girl in LA with the accent yeah okay go and girl like la oh god go and girl in la with the accent yeah okay uh go and girl like grow up and go all right but it's in la on holiday okay okay she's really husky thank you so much for listening to episode one of series three of brown girls do it too i don't know if I nailed that. No, that was quite good. Okay, cool. I've grown a baby inside me. Poppy's growing erections across the country.

What have you been growing? Email us in at browngirlsdoittoo at bbc.co.uk with any thoughts, questions, stories or sexual escapades. Because if you've done it too, we want to to hear from you and if you like what you hear please do subscribe like share to the tell your cousin tell your cousin tell your repressed cousin tell the cousin that hates us don't tell your mom don't tell your mom actually tell your mom tell your dad yeah we're on bbc sounds so yeah download the app and subscribe. Brown girls do it too. This Pride Month, we are celebrating the B in LGBTQ+.

I'm Dr. Julia Shaw, and along with Sophie Hagen, I host the Bad People podcast. And this June, we are taking a break from our regular criminal cases. Join us to hear seldom heard stories of remarkable characters who fought for the lives of bi people. And no matter how you identify, uncover the untold history, hidden culture and science of bisexuality. And we will answer the age old question, why can't you just pick one? Bi People. Listen on BBC Sounds.