Brown Girls Do It Too - Sex Mistakes: Je Ne Regrette Rien

Episode Date: April 12, 2024

Comedians Grace Campbell & Chris Hall join Poppy & Rubina to discuss sex mistakes and mishaps. Are some regrets inevitable? And why do some of us make the same mistakes over and over again?Lessons learned include: always use protection; check if the guy you're hitting on is dating your best friend; sometimes the night bus IS better than a stranger's bed, and... not everyone fancies you but that's okay.Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail] you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. We'd like you to live a life with no regrets too. And that's why we must warn you, this podcast will contain very strong language, maybe the strongest language the BBC will allow

and so much adult content but we promise you that you have received an email sorry it was my what but we promise you

you won't regret pressing play. This is a podcast about sex. At least it started off like that. Now we talk about everything. Everything is sex. And sex is everything.

And that includes our mistakes, our heartbreaks, and our hot, hot, hot takes. I'm Poppy and I don't regret dating for the first time in my mid to late 30s. I'm Robina and I don't regret trying to wax my own bum hole because once you learn the lesson that that's not what you should ever try to do you've learnt the lesson indeed so you don't regret trying to wax it

because you're never going to do it again exactly it's good to know so you've learnt the lesson so how does one really difficult start waxing your bum hole

squat, mirror and the type of wax mirrors on the floor mirrors on the floor no mirrors up against the wall but you're squatting and kind of on all fours but you can't even see but you need the mirror mirrors on the floor no mirrors up against the wall but you're squatting and kind of on all fours but you can't even see

but you need the mirror surely on the floor to see what you're waxing and the type of wax that you need ladies and gentlemen is not a strip wax it's the wax a hot wax

like a hot wax a hot wax that you can peel off but with all due respect why you don't surely the mirror needs to be on the floor looking up that you can then see what you're doing

oh no I'm just like on all fours kind of like looking back at myself in a kind of porny way. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So you were like this? Yes.

Yes, I was like that. You're so ridiculous sometimes. Well, I just thought, you know, that's the one part of the waxing. Like a this, the mirror is there and you're like looking behind, like coquettishly looking at myself. Coquettishly.

You were coquettishly waxing your arquettishly You were coquettishly Waxing your arse off Oh my god Stop it Ramina No Stop it Oh my god You've missed a spot

Oh my god No you stop it You are ridiculous Hey Coquettishly Je ne regretterai Je ne regretterai Waxing my arse off

Je ne regretterai Waxing myterai. Waxing my arse off. Je ne regretterai. Waxing my bum home. Oh my God. I can't believe. I'm actually crying. Oh God. I'm really bad at this and I'm trying to get better.

Basically, I get myself checked for an STI and then I get a clean bill of health and then the next three guys I bang, I'm like, condom, Basically, I get myself checked for an STI. And then I get a clean bill of health. And then the next three guys I bang, I'm like, condom, condom, condom, condom. And then my report card falls off a cliff. So I get all A's. And then after the first term, I'm like, B's, B minus C's. And I was very much in the end of term last week Thursday.

F. F minus. No condom with a stranger. That's a fail. Immediately a fail immediately a fail yeah I fully accept that I

I mean unless you know that they're like clean and you're clean and you're funny well exactly but they all tell you they're clean

because I do the same we all do a fake contractual yeah and they're all like yeah I'm a tested sputum yeah and you're all a bit

inebriated so you're like yeah yeah you are you know I'm you inebriated. So you're like, yeah, yeah, you know, I'm blah. You know, that's how it happens. And I cannot tell you, and I've said this in a previous episode, the number of guys I meet, especially the younger guys, who don't even bother carrying a condom. I'm like, I could trap you right now.

I could trap you right now. I could have the clap. And yeah, they don't care. And clearly I don't either. Why aren't they carrying condoms? That's crazy. They don't. They literally make them wallet size.

Put them in the pocket. Put them in a shoe. Yeah, well, that's my regret. What about you? Any regrets for you? I've definitely had like one night stands I regret. I was like, well, I just kind of didn't need to do that. I just did it because I was bored. Do you remember, shout out to Roya, our first I regret. I was like, well, I just kind of didn't need to do that. I just did it because I was bored.

Do you remember, shout out to Roya, our first OG presenter, where she was like, sometimes I'd be like, do I just get the night bus home or just sleep with them? What's the best for me? A long winding trip home on the night bus with drunks or this guy's warm bed. But when you think back to your one night stands, are you thinking about,

like, what was your regret in that specific moment that you didn't need to sleep with them or that it wasn't fun? That it wasn't as fun and that,

you know when you wake up in the morning and like, it seems all right and the morning you wake up and you're like, oh, bleary eyes,

you're looking over at them and you're like, oh no, no, That's why you chuck them out. That's why you have sex. Get rid of them so you don't have to see them

in the morning the morning like the morning after a drunk night out awkward as hell you see them in a different light no one's got any makeup on morning breath

sleep around your eyes you're half they're half naked you probably noticed a tattoo that they shouldn't honestly I never ever to this day

have ever had anyone the next morning I bounce or they bounce and I make it very clear third drink in you're going home

or I'm going home and they love it because they're like we can't really chuck a girl out at four o'clock in the morning so it's great that you fuck off and I'm like I don't want to deal with you

in the morning you know a bit of aftercare five minutes seven minutes bounce oh no I think I'd just be too lazy

I'd be like let's just sleep but then you wake up and you're like ooh yeah is it the ugh that you regret

in the morning I think it's more like sometimes you might sleep with someone and then you wake up in the morning and you're like I think I could do better

I don't even know what I was thinking last night is that bad is that no but like isn't that 98% of one night stands isn't that the point of them what is that bad is that no but like isn't that 98% of

one night stands isn't that the point of them what is that do brown girls do you listeners do they know about

your one night stand where you switched on the light oh god that was really bad so I was I was living in Singapore and I ended up

picking up with this guy very late like literally it was like the end of the night everyone was going home and I just ended up it was drags very late like literally it was like the end of the night everyone was going home and I just ended up it was drags it was 9 years

it was 9 year drags it was totally drags and this guy he was like shorter than me and like he was cute he was cute

he was cute and he had like a Land Rover so I was like cool and then he was cute and he had a Land Rover his dad's Land Rover and we went back to his house

had sex and then the next morning when the lights were turned on he had a swastika flag on his wall can I just say

he was East Asian right and I am South Asian so I was looking at him like what's that about bruv like what's that

well we all have our regrets I might have slept with a Nazi are you really popping your Tupperware right now there's there's there's everyone on the dance floor

people like popping that bitty but oh Poppy just popping her Tupperware wait wait wait oh my god that's so weird

our guests today are funny, hot, young and white. They're both social media darlings. You may know Chris Hall from his viral backup singer TikToks with Jojo and Shania Twain or his joyous live comedy shows. And you may know Grace Campbell from her brilliant podcast 28 Days Later or her quote unquote sex positive comedy shows. Or just the fact that she's also Alison Campbell's daughter. That must be another way that people know you.

I'm obsessed with the quote unquote there. What was the quote unquote sex positive? People put that on you. People are like, you're sex positive. And you're like, am I? Well, it's just because I talk about sex. Yeah, in a positive, funny way. It's just like you would never describe a man talking about you're sex positive. And you're like, am I? Well, it's just because I talk about sex. Yeah. In a positive, funny way. It's just like you would never describe a man talking about sex as sex positive.

Yeah. It's such like they just talk about sex. They are sex. But if it's a woman, it's some big deal. Yeah. You have to give them this like alienating phrase. Also, where does the positive come from? Like, because you're funny.

Because actually, not all sexual experiences are like positive. It's like. Most of the things I talk about are very negative. She's a sex negative comedian who is sex realist yes that's what it is isn't it

like most of the guys I date I'm not having like mind blowing sex with any of them no you're just having sex neutral

sex is happening sex is happening we're definitely doing it and it's sexual sex adjacent right okay sex adjacent you said that earlier

yeah it's basically and it's like none I think about like a time where I've had brilliant or amazing sex from like a date right okay sex adjacent you said that earlier yeah it's basically and it's like none and i think about like a time where i've had brilliant or amazing sex from like a date no no so it's where sex pragmated sex real it's calling it like it is yeah yeah so like you know both of us have had one night stands or maybe in the morning we were like oh why did i do that i was really drunk

or bored or tired or whatever and and poppy had a story earlier about how she had sex with someone and didn't use a condom and she was like that was dumb but you should do it in the moment do you guys have any sex regrets that you're like or would you even phrase them as regrets maybe regrets not the right word thoughts thoughts well i have definitely had a lot of things that um like oh i've had so many things of like waking up in bed with someone and being like, why am I whopping? How am I going to go? Where is whopping? Where am I?

How much is this Uber going to cost me? So many buses. What zone is this in? But I don't ever really see it. Like, I'm always like, if I get a good story out of something, then I don't ever really see like I'm always like if I get a good story out of something then I don't mind and I also think like really bad sexual experiences

shouldn't be regrets because usually they're not our fault so I don't take like responsibility for them it's usually like someone else

has done something bad and I just unfortunately was there yeah yeah of course because I don't like you know when people sort of like blame you for like being in a situation where something went like terribly wrong like whether it's around Yeah, yeah, of course. Because I don't like, you know, when people sort of like blame you

for like being in a situation where something went like terribly wrong, like whether it's around like someone taking advantage of you or like more severely, you know, like assault or rape. I hate like thinking that I should have done anything differently. Of course, yeah. But look, I've had STDs, sure. I should have used condoms loads of times when I was younger and more recently, but we won't talk about that right now um but it is what it is yeah I would say I'd say probably at this age I

don't regret anything like like strongly I think like maybe when I was I mean definitely when I was younger I did uh had like sexual experiences that like I felt I think like growing up um gay in like the situation in the in the places that I did with the family that I did and the people around me there was like a huge amount of shame um that in the last I'd say in the last like three years I've feel I've come into a bit of like a more friendly relationship with my sex and how I do it and if I like it or if I don't. And when I was younger, there's like a lot of, you know, experiences where you meet people on apps or you meet strangers in places that you wish maybe your first sexual experiences didn't happen there. But it was the only option because there was you know people aren't out and people

you don't know where to like look for stuff so like I feel like at the time I was like oh my god I shouldn't have done that but like now I'm like oh my god

whatever it was all fine yeah it's kind of like it just happened it's like a hard parcel of like growing up it's like those rites of passage regrets and sometimes those are good things

yeah I do sometimes think I was filming something recently and I drove past the place where I lost my virginity and I, again, couldn't remember where it was. I just knew what the building looked like. So I knew that it was somewhere in one area of London and we drove past this building and I was like...

Wasn't whopping? She knows where it is now. It actually wasn't whopping. It was somewhere in between Loughborough Junction and somewhere in Dulwich. was like somewhere in between Loughborough Junction and like somewhere in Dulwich it was like somewhere in between there

and I'm from North London and I was like at school at the time so like had never really been to that part of London anyway I drove past it the other day

and I remember at the time feeling this like insane amount of shame because I'd just like met a guy in a club and had just decided that I had to lose my virginity

because all my friends were losing their virginity so I just like said yes to this guy and went back to his house and he smoked weed like the entire time that I had to lose my virginity because all my friends were losing their virginity so I just like said yes to this guy and went back to his house and he smoked weed like the entire time that we had sex

like the entire time why was he having sex with you? well like literally a spliff in mouth so was he really slow then? yeah but he was also really active I was like how are you doing

like I'm high from you smoking around me like how are you doing this? don't know his name but drove past this building and I was like with all these random people I was working with

and I was like that's where I lost my virginity I've always wanted to know where it was yeah but your virginity like space like everyone remembers like that spot

yeah mine was um room 327 Lee House Pollock Halls Residence Edinburgh University room 327 that's very

I've just watched one day on Netflix. Oh my God, that's very one day. I'm a beaker mod. I know I'm heard. Have you ever had a regret where you were like, I should have made a move or I should have done, I should have had sex with that person? That's such a good question.

Basically countless. Ryan Gosling. What did you do? I knew Ryan Gosling. Boy, how's it ice cream? It was raining. I knew I should have fucked him. No, no, I'm joking.

That is such a good question, though. I must think. Oh, I've got like a long list. I've got a lot. Really? Oh, my God. Pretty much every interaction IRL with a man, because I've started dating online for the first time

in my mid to late 30s. I'm 38. And I, on dating apps, I'm fire. But in real life, as you know, fucking hell. Why? What comes over you? I put my hands behind my back with my father. And then I start a job interview.

What do you do then? Trader. Disgusting. I know. I think it is quite hard. Awful. It is hard. It is hard yeah it is hard

but you know have you ever been in like a moment with someone where you're like oh shit I could kiss you right now and I don't think you'd pull away yeah but I

don't have enough confidence energy strength whatever it is to leave just a bit more to give you the like signal

totally I think countless I think yeah for my whole actually more of those my whole 20s I think just is like loads of like eyes at me ands, I think just is like loads of

like eyes at me and me being like, looking behind me like, who are you looking at? And then getting home and being like, oh, I think that was me. It was me.

It was on. Yeah. Guys, I am truly the opposite. My whole life, I've thought everyone fancies me. And I'm like, I'm going to go over there. I'm going to go over there. I'm going to go over there.

And then they're like, I've got a girlfriend. I can't think of any time that that's happened for me. Oh, yeah, I definitely had it the other way, like pure rejection just to your face. I fancied this guy who was like a swimmer, like he was like a pro swimmer. And I was at university and I was like so, so sure there was chemistry. I really believed there was something going on.

And I remember like fully just having the confidence to go up to him being like so like I like sense a vibe here like maybe you know she like a drink and he was like I'm really sorry like I did not sense a vibe and he was like he was literally like there is no vibe oh my god and I was like okay cool but do you regret brutal do you regret not going up to him and seeing that man He was fit. He was a swimmer. I just think you might as well. I've DM'd so many famous people that I've met once. Ryan Gosling? No. Who have you DM'd?

He's famously married. That's not my style. But I've DM'd so many people and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. But I'm like, give a shit. I'll just try. When I was in New York in November, I went to watch the Brooklyn Nets basketball

team and then afterwards I DM'd every single player. Wow. That is hilarious. They lost and I DM'd every single one saying, sorry for your loss. That's such a good job line. None of them replied but some of them then watched my stories

so I was like, at least now I don't have sex. But that is how I think that you get attention, right? Especially as a woman, right? Because when I, some of these guys are like, most, some guys said to me, some girls think being good looking

is a personality trait. So I'm like, clearly, I mean, I'm sure there are guys out there who think, you know, looking good is a personality trait and then they'll give anything more. But then you are on their radar because then you're like funny

and just, you know, give a fuck, right? Which is what I'm usually like, but then IRL, I fuck it up. I fuck it up. I talk and then I fuck it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's hard, it's hard to, I hate dating apps,

but the real benefit of them is that you both know you're available. Yes, yes. Going up to someone in person, you don't know who they are you don't know what their situation is so you're kind of like

skirting around it to be like oh what do you do like making that weird small talk because you don't know if it's on well I can't even

ifuck someone or like have literally just murdered someone yes exactly and you're like hey and they're on the dance floor

to murder on the dance floor I just you just jogged my memory there was this time in freedom what was the murder no not the murder

the story before when I killed someone no that one time when I killed someone I bumped into my friend I was like clearly on this one night

when I was feeling myself and I was feeling confident oh yeah and I bumped into my friend let's call him Matt his name is not Matt hi Matt

and then there was this other boy there who was like gorgeous. And Matt's, they're both gorgeous, but like he was a friend and then this other person was just there.

So the boy was just there and we're like chatting all night. And then at the end of the night, I like went up to this third person and said like, hey, if you want to like, you know, get me on Instagram,

we'll chat later. Like kind of like made a thing. And then my friend Matt was like, bye. Like he was like chat later like kind of like made a thing and then my friend matt was like bye like he was like he's kind of like lol bye like see you later and then i checked their social media the next day and they were dating so i'm like i'm like bypassed like bypass my friend to like ask his boyfriend out and then i was like why was Matt so weird with me when I left and he clearly was like why did you just

come up with my boyfriend because I had no idea I clearly did it so boldly you also Matt should have been like yo territory I'm with this one yeah yeah yeah

have a good night obviously you've got to tell me you've got to be very bold with these things explicit you were bold yeah I went there

no regret and then obviously I didn't do that for like five years afterwards because I was so mad about it I know it's like

into a swimmer again I hear you like it burns you yeah I think it's Matt's fault was he not like tactile or touching his boyfriend

no they weren't they were just sort of like standing around like posing gay guys can just sort of stand around and like pose

for quite a long time yeah they all look really like handsome like they're in adverts yeah they just sort of like stand there they wouldn't quite a long time yeah they all look really like handsome like they're in adverts yeah they just sort of like stand there they wouldn't like hold hands or

no yeah because usually you'd get some of the signs also I was probably very drunk maybe they were I'm going to disregard that they're just brothers

but I guess it's better to make you know that old adage of like it's better to have lived than not lived at all am I like bullshitting basically it's better to make, you know, that old adage of like, it's better to have lived than not lived at all. Am I bullshitting? Basically, it's better to make mistakes.

To go for it. Yeah, yeah. And then do nothing at all. But I was saying to Rubina, it's when you make the same mistake again and again and again and again. And you're like, the problem's me. That's when it becomes quite problematic, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. You're not really learning or growing.

You're just being. But that's why I like when things go wrong. I'm like okay cool this will never happen again yeah I know you don't need to teach you how to avoid this situation happening again because it's already happened yeah I work like my day job is like pitching lots of ideas and not getting them commissioned and so I used to have this like post-it note on like my my working from home desk that said like um rejection is good for you to be like remind me that rejection is good for you and that's how you grow and stuff. But actually, like, it's really quite hardcore

if you're constantly getting rejected. Yeah, it's not great after a while. It's not that great for your spirit. But it's really, it's weird. Some forms of rejection do not get to me at all. And then rejection from men crushes my entire being. Really? Yeah. Whereas like, if I get rejected for work, like, I have never really been rejected by a friend. But like, any, if work stuff like doesn't go my way, I have never really been rejected by a friend.

But if work stuff doesn't go my way, I'm so good at being like, that's fine, that wasn't the right thing for me. And I feel so secure in myself in regards to that. With men, when I get rejected, it is like the world is over. Why do you think that is? I think it's because I've always put a lot of my validation

and my sense of self onto men validating me. And so I've always, like, there's been so many moments in my life where my friends are like, why is it not enough that we're saying these things to you? Like, it's not going into your head. It's not making my cup feel full, like, to sound really lame. But when a man says those things to me, this was much more like I've done so much work now

to get to a point where this is not quite the case. But I used to feel like if a man didn't like me, if a man didn't think I was worthy of their time, then I was not worthy of anyone's time. But I think that's like totally valid. I think that's like a really interesting point. But it's hard, isn't it? Because your self-worth needs to be like defined by you.

Well, exactly. And it's so much easier said because your self worth needs to be like defined by you well exactly and it's so much easier said than done but then when you do get there and I've had moments in the last couple of years where I have that

and then something will happen that will slightly take me back and maybe it's always two steps forward three steps back I wouldn't say I love getting rejected

by men but I actually I thrive on being like when I am rejected by this one is getting rejected by men, but I actually, I thrive on being, like when I am rejected by it, I- This one is rarely rejected by men. No, no, no, that's not true. That's not true. That's not true.

That's not true. I am. And because my whole life when I was younger, I had to constantly seek the validation of the men and the women in my life. I am now at a point where I'm like, fuck you to everyone. I would be lying if I said, if I got four or five rejections on the trot,

of course it would be like self-esteem, ego. But generally I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, and I remember like my best friend, Anna, whenever she was rejected by anyone, she would be like, well, he's probably gay. Like she never took it personally. She was never like, it's something about me. She's like, maybe he's gay. It's him.

Yeah, it's like, maybe he just, it's not me. And I was like, God, I wish I had that, like, sense of self of, like, not internalising. And it's, I don't really do it as much anymore. But I used to, oh, my God, it was crazy. Oh, yeah, I used to do that because I, like, I grew up never thinking I was, like, conventionally pretty. And I'm not really.

Like, I've got, you know, I've got really like I've got you know I've got like a face you know like my dad once said that to me he once said you're not conventionally pretty but you have a really interesting face such a weird thing

for a dad to say I think it's quite nice do you that's how I've always seen myself as well when I was teenage that kind of comment would have upset me

but as an adult I'm like that's way more interesting to me now but like growing up I never felt like I was one of the pretty girls or like fit in and then you're just like well then how do I be that if I can't be that and then if a guy didn't But like growing up, I never felt like I was one of the pretty girls that fit in.

And then you're just like, well, then how do I be that if I can't be that? And then if a guy didn't think I was good looking, I'd be like, it's true. He's validated the idea that I don't belong to that crowd. Exactly. And it comes from within. I think that's the thing.

Like those feelings about yourself are triggered by someone else, but it's about working on how you see yourself and then that won't happen. And like, that's what you're describing is where I'm striving to get to. It's a beautiful place to be once you're there. It's been a fucking journey.

Chris, you are the first gay man that we've had on Brown Girls Don't Tear. We just started having white people on. Yeah, fair. We're the first white people. Second white people? Deborah Farns is white? Deborah Francis technically we had that lady plus

third fourth? no fourth okay you know what back to me being the first great do your mates

do your the first you're the first gay man we've had on the podcast thank you for having me you're welcome do your straight girl mates come Thank you for having me. You're welcome.

Do your straight girl mates come to you for sex advice? I wouldn't say they come to me for sex advice. I think I'm a good listener and I give advice. Yeah. You give good advice. I wouldn't give like, I don't think, I mean, I do listen to a lot of feminist and female podcasts. So like sometimes I'm like you should be doing this and they're like

okay it's not that easy and I'm like yeah fair but I think they come to me for like I'd say dating advice relationship advice

yeah probably not do you think that you give good advice I think so I feel like that's such a cliche of like the gay male friend

yeah he's like you know giving his like straight white girlfriends like advice about stuff it's like but people come his like straight white girlfriends like advice about stuff

it's like but people come to depend on you for that probably please don't take anything that I say in the bible because

look at my look at my like terrible track record no no yeah I think

I think I've always been someone who who I'm like a people pleaser and like I would rather everyone else be happy and safe

and settled around me before myself. So I think I think I've been that way since. And also as a way like I've never knew my place in like the sort of structure of teen life. I mean, I wasn't someone that you know obviously the boy like boys and girls that there's such like a dynamic of like let's impress the boys let's impress the girls and then there's kind of there was kind of like me in the middle and I was like okay how am I gonna like navigate this and I think I made like a carved out a little like space myself by making the boys laugh and then being like someone to listen like I'm being like a support for the girls

um so I kind of like had to like yeah I think I've always been that because I almost like made that role for myself that's so funny isn't it like we kind of always reference those like dynamics at school of like how we still see ourselves in the social hierarchy yeah because let's just be honest that shit is just real life played out in like a microcosm isn't it yeah but so funny that's how you because I never saw myself with the girls or the guys I was in like the weird outside group where we like had really gross trainers

and tried to do Spice Girl dances I think everyone read in the library you know like just like not I could never like be that kind of

so I didn't I couldn't buy into it so I was just so on the outside of it sure yeah yeah have either of you given a friend a piece of advice

where it was like a regret like go do it go make that mistake and you know live life oh um I've given I've given a really strong opinion I think I've given opinions to I feel like you give strong opinions yeah or I've been like end it end it yeah for xyz reason and then they don't and then you kind of go like oh my god you're back together and you're in my kitchen yeah so I think

I've never had the balls to tell someone to end it oh yeah even though I've like thought it maybe not straight away but like after maybe like two or three like

after three fuck ups and ten red flags and four ambers you're like get rid of it and you kind of like shake someone you go get rid of him and then like they don't

and you're like oof I now like it's now like awkward for me and also I think people have said to me I've come to friends and been like they don't and you're like oof I now like it's now like awkward for me and also I think people have said to me I've I've come to friends and been like so and so and so has like done this and they're like and like you know giving me advice that you just ignore because

you're like in the middle of it yeah so I think also I think as I've gotten older I've realized that like when I was younger I thought you know everything is so like right and wrong yes and no yeah yeah yeah and then as you get older I feel things get so much more complex you're a human you're going to do what you're going to do you're going to forgive

somebody for something that I wouldn't forgive but then also if I was in your position I probably would do the same as you so I think when I've given

like a really strong opinion and like really like put myself on the line for someone or something and then it's like backfired I guess I've maybe regretted that but then I'll regret but then now I learned to not do that so yeah I give advice based on how I

like hearing advice basically yeah that's a good I learned a lot from my last relationship because and I've said this to all of my friends now like post it but I felt they all came down a bit too strong on what I should do and that put me in a position which made me feel that then I kind of couldn't really like follow my instincts. And in the long run, I think they were right. But I've said to them now, what that taught me is that I should never go and tell someone what to do.

You should just like wait for them to get there on their own. But always know that you like love them unconditionally so that they don't stop telling you stuff. Because I think that's the problem is if someone is in a relationship which is like complicated or like borderline like toxic or whatever, you don't want them to not come to you. And that's the thing that now I've said to them of like, you know, I think I, and now we do that.

We have like completely like judgment-free zones. But there was a period where I felt quite judged by my friends and in a way they had reason to but also it made me feel like

I couldn't talk to them and so now I just sort of like base how I advise other people off of that experience yeah yeah I mean

I think it's also fine to have a bit of like fun with your mates and be like you are going to regret that and I will tell you so when that happens but like you know let's do it I love when i told you so oh my god i love i love and i

told you called it you said that quite a lot i do yeah because i'm always right except i'm wrong what do you do like say um you have a friend that's just like repeatedly making really bad decisions like how do you deal with that? So what you just said resonated because I'm usually the friend everyone comes to for advice. I'm the sound, stable. I give very, very good advice and I can see things. I'm like, I can see where this is going. So I was that friend last year, no, the year before last.

I was in a very emotionally toxic, like borderline abusive situationship that just went on forever. And a friend of mine who I live with, who I love dearly, was telling me, effectively shaking me like, get out, get out, get out. But saying it in the way she was just delivering it all wrong. Yeah, she was just delivering it all wrong. And then what ended up happening is I didn't tell her stuff. I was living with her and things were happening. And I wasn't telling her because I was like, you're just going to get in your soapbox and I knew everything she was saying

was like true like deep down I knew she always drops truth bombs but the problem is they're like nuclear bombs and I just couldn't take them in my

fragile state at the time so I if this was if a friend I was really bad at this like I'm the eldest of six and I think the way my parents have raised me

like it's just I can get very impatient. And what I've learned over, like, pretty much 40 years is be fucking patient, be kind, listen, be there. It is very frustrating when you can physically see someone in a relationship that is so mentally and physically unhealthy and they keep going back. I know, but then having been there, you can so see.

Which is what she would have seen for me. So now, exactly what you said to the team because I think that all the time now like from the outside it was so obvious that like I was in a really unhealthy relationship

but at the time like it was like you're foggy you can't see shit lying to myself and so what they were saying like was not adding up with how I was feeling

but I would do what you just said which is like give advice like how you'd want to take it and it's like how much time do you give it right because that was probably nine months and then you

put on another three months so it was a year like if i was in a friend if i was friends with someone who's doing it year two year three year four year five like at what point do you how long do you wait for them to fucking wake up i had a friend in like a very awful toxic relationship and he was bad all of us knew he was bad and she couldn't really see it but I was doing the thing exactly you were saying being patient being kind

doing it doing it and I ended up meeting them in a bar for a drink and this is like you know they've been together

for like a year and a half it was just such a mess she was always complaining about it and I like lost it with him and I was just like you know

what the fuck is wrong with you like why are you treating my friend like this she'd gone to the toilet obviously and I was like I have two minutes get it all out get it all out

get it all out and it was just it just messed everything up it messed up the night it messed up like their

relationship and then my friend who I'm still really good friends with she was just like please be

nice to the next one like she's always like she's worried that I kind of stepped in between them but I just couldn't hold it

in because I felt like I was doing the slow dance you have to kind of find the right balance for you but this is what happened you waited till you were inebriated and it was like you it was like Pandora's box actually I was such a bitch to him it was really bad he was like we're going out now we have to get to this place but I didn't really like anyone there and I was like well I'm fine with that because I always have to hang out with

people I don't like but I would say stuff like that to him to his face like awful but if I was in that situation now with with all my wisdom, I'd probably message him and say, can we meet for coffee? And I'd be like, look, I wouldn't normally do this, but she's my friend and I love her. And I'm having this conversation with you. If you weren't getting through to the friend, obviously. Like, have a no alcohol, very mature discussion about,

look, what's going on. But then you do that. Now I'd be like, yeah, yeah, leave that guy behind. Let's go chase some other guys. Yeah, I'll find you someone else. That's what I'd be like. I'd be like yeah yeah leave that guy behind let's go chase some other guys yeah that's what I'd be like have you met Don? yeah but when you're so in

you know love lust infatuated with someone you know yeah I definitely regret like maybe staying in relationships for like longer than I needed to

when I was like I probably like I had this quite long time relationship and I think maybe like year two or three I could have like jumped out of it

because I wasn't like that happy but I was like oh it's kind of fine it's kind of like rumbling on it's not like terrible he's not like

treating me badly he's nice the sex is sometimes good all of our friends get on it just felt like kind of very it could have gone on and I regret not like

in that year two when I was like nah this isn't for me why am I here this really isn't doing it for me instead of just being like out it's weird

it's quite easy to like push that but no one does it hard out I know so many people I know when they've ended a relationship I should have ended it eight months prior

or a year prior should have ended it in year two but ended it in year five I've never had that I always as soon as I want to end something you end it what about people you know

everyone like friends yes that's the problem but this is kind of what I was asking you it's like what do you do when you can see that someone's clearly

like wasting their time but then it's like but you might be a hard out it's not your place but they're not hard out that's not your problem it's really hard though because you don't know

what's normal in a relationship like you just don't know and like what is normal so you know if you're in a relationship and you're like this feels normal this feels normal

they abuse me every day is this normal like you don't know what's normal or if those like kind of dynamics played out with your parents and you think that's normal I was telling Poppy day is this normal like you don't know what's normal or if those like kind of dynamics played out with your parents and you think that's normal

I was telling Poppy I do this thing it's so ridiculous where I we'll be shopping and I'll be like to my partner who I love

and we have a really great relationship I'll be like can we get peanut butter like I'm asking him can we get peanut butter and I'm like what the fuck's wrong with me

like that's so weird and I'll catch myself and the other day I was at the ceramics market and I was holding my two year old and there was this like ceramic out and I was like what the fuck's wrong with me like that's so weird I'll catch myself and the other day I was at the ceramics market and I was holding my two-year-old and there was this like ceramic owl and I was like whoa this is so cool my two-year-old was like it's cool it's cool let's get it I want it and I was like yeah let's get it and I was like should we ask daddy if we can buy it and the woman across the table like looked at me and I was like why the fuck did I say that yeah and it's cool I think it's because I'm not in a relationship it's because we share

our finances and I just want to be respectful of like relationship but I'm not in a commercial community it's because we share our finances and I just want to be respectful of like what we spend our money on and a ceramic owl on a Sunday might just be a bit of a weird purchase

so in my head I was like why don't I just buy it he's not fucking asking me if we can get jam yeah yeah yeah I think that's a hang up from like watching

the dynamic of my parents especially around money it's like you know do you feel like the stuff from your parents relationships that you've like but that's why like

god therapy is so mind blowing that's why we all need therapy and you're like do you want like the stuff from your parents relationships but that's why like god therapy is so mind-blowing that's why we all need therapy and then you're like do you want to do our parents shit yeah yeah there isn't a podcast long enough

yeah love you guys yeah yeah but yeah totally and and them

from their parents yeah that intergenerational trauma and all of that just kind of goes on it's just our generation that are like talks about it we'll start the um we'll start the unpicking of all the attitudes around sex and like talking to you about sex growing up um zero zero yeah i also

had no sex education at school nothing no not even like hetero sex 33 did you go to a catholic school or um no well you know catholic Catholic school? No. Catholic primary school. Surely it's a bigger requirement. Can't remember. Like, truly can't remember. Maybe like one PSC lesson that was like, Oh my God, PSC, shout out. You're going to have sex at some point, but like nothing.

My older sister had a chat with me about... Is that how you learn about the birds and the bees? Yeah, kind of. But like, I think even I was like... She gave an accurate reading of the birds and the bees. Sort of. Okay, great. But like, also like even I was like... She gave an accurate reading of the birds in the bees. Sort of. Okay, great. But like, also like,

I don't know, I think she, I think I was maybe 10 or 11. So she must have been 14, 15. Like, the blind leading the blind. Do you know what I mean? She was like, this is what I know.

And then, yeah, nothing, no, no, like homosexual sex or queer sex. I also find it so funny, like in films, but then also in real life, it's always the girls that are taught to put a condom on a banana. Yeah.

And I thought, I always thought like, like, cause, so I, in a lot of sex that I have, I'm not usually the one that needs to put a condom on. Yeah. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah. The other person

would yeah if we can just yeah know what I'm getting at um so like and I literally put a condom on I think it was like on a penis like in my late 20s because like that was just like the first time I needed to yeah um and I was just like I've never done I've never been taught how to do this and I was like why aren't I think I've put it on a man once

yeah oh really I'll hope they put it on yeah I think they put it on I never do it because I always say sorry my acrylic nails will make a hole

oh yeah because you have to like pinch the little knobbly bit at the top and then roll with one hand and then your hands are covered in lube yeah crazy

I mean don't waste it you know use it but yeah it's like it's very sticky use condoms yeah I remember like I know I know

I'm sorry boys at school weren't told how to do that but I remember the girls being like oh yeah we put like a condom and a banana but it's the same with like

it's like the same with contraception it's always like a woman's responsibility it's the same with like yeah all of it STD tests like women are statistically much higher to go and get tested and to get checked like straight men woman's responsibility. It's the same with like, yeah, all of it. STD tests,

like women are statistically much higher to go and get tested and to get checked. Like straight men, like the numbers are very low. I think the truth is you will always regret not using a condom.

So use condoms. One million percent. Yeah. I vouch for that. I know, I know, I am, I am.

I was telling her, I go to the clinic, I get a clean bill of health, A, star my report card, and then I fall off a cliff by the end of term. Yes. Fuck it.

No condom. All right, then. When I was younger, I was once at a festival in Spain and I met this guy and we were like, we just went to have sex in the desert. Sexy. We didn't have any condoms. He was so hot.

And we didn't have any condoms. And so I was like, I can't have sex with you. You don't have any condoms. And he was like, I don't have any STDs and I was like okay fine no problem oh you don't have any STDs

you should have said that like maybe I do all of my drunken sex days oh my god you might have chlamydia no problem I don't baby

okay I promise you I believe you such a fucking idiot I'm nearly going to be 40 why am I doing this it's so stupid I think what you should do now

is just like record a video though and be like cool would you just say that to my video camera I have no STDs cool I'm coming for you if that's uh yeah

video consent the STD app oh yeah I was going to design an STD app which is like you could just like bash your phones together and be like clean

bash them and be like gonorrhea gonorrhea you fucking liar that's a good idea that's such a good idea I love that isn't that a good idea yeah

but like if you could there's an app for everything right like we should have like an SDD app where it's like like the health app on the iPhone 100%

why don't we do that to prove that you're the NHS app just needs to improve upgrade yes the next upgrade you've reached the Shagany Auntie's call centre NHS app just needs to improve, upgrade, next upgrade. You've reached the Shaggy Auntie's call centre.

Want advice you can't ask your real aunties for? Like, how do you ask for what you want in bed? Not sure which hole is a goal? Where do anal beads really go? Have you been faking orgasms your whole adult life? Accidentally called your boss daddy? Is your long-time love not going down south for more than just the tip we're here for you yes we do this bit at the end of every episode where we do a dilemma people writing with their dilemmas and it's called the shagany aunties it'd be great if we could get some of your uh advice on this i met a guy

irl recently and we instantly hit it off this never happens we went on five glorious dates before he dropped into conversation that he wanted to keep seeing me but wasn't looking for anything serious the thing is i'm not necessarily looking for anything serious but i also don't want to fall for someone who's told me it can't go anywhere i'm worried i already like him more than i ideally should should i cut it and run? Or should I just enjoy the fun dates and good sex while I have it? Okay, I am so sick of the phrase, I'm not looking for anything serious.

Like, then don't date. Yeah, fuck off. Someone said to me the other day, London is the most commitment-phobic place in the world at the moment. Like, no one single, like, I keep hearing this, like men saying that, and actually women as well. I see the phrase at the moment like no one single like I keep hearing this like men saying that and actually women as well

I see the phrase all the time I also say it quite a lot yeah it's literally it's unfair if you're not looking for anything serious

then you're just looking for casual sex then you shouldn't let something go that far it's not fair like if you're doing things that are like creating a sense of intimacy

and you're feeding that and I have done that before in times of like need of validation but I look back on a few things that I've done and really really regret that because I think like I may have said the words I'm not looking for anything serious but I acted another way and that's going to make someone feel something and they're going to think that maybe like what you said isn't true and has changed yeah and then it's just a kind of unfair of because because then they'll get attached to you. So I think if you,

if you, that's all I've ever done. That's literally all I've ever done. I definitely, in that toxic relationship, that's why I said one thing, acted another way. So he was also confused.

It takes two. Yeah. Totally. But people aren't mind readers. Do you know what I mean? So like, if you say something and then you start acting

another way, like people will be like, okay, well you're acting that way now. So I'm going to go. If you take take the act then the word is more powerful right because you're showing it so it's then it's confusing because you say it's like love bombing you know it's like that thing of saying i'm not looking for anything serious but then also being like let's go away for the weekend together it's like what are you doing oh my god i would class going

away for a weekend it's just a casual ting and nothing you can just have like a hot weekend yeah sex weekend yeah but that might make someone more attached to you like all i think But I would class going away for a weekend as just a casual ting and nothing. You can just have like a hot weekend. Yeah. Like a sex weekend. Yeah, but that might make someone more attached to you. Because all I think serious is like, is like sex that can be intimate, that can be like, you know. Yeah. I think you can have casual sex with somebody and still spoon them.

Yeah. That's true. You can have a kind of, we're casually sleeping together. But the problem is in those situations, and I've had this both ways, like quite a few times, one person will be seeing that intimate sex and spooning as something else. It's a protection thing.

Let's just be honest. Let's be really frank. But sometimes it isn't. That's the thing that you have to really protect yourself with. So sometimes it isn't and then you could get your heart broken.

And that's what I would say to this person. So what's your advice? Is be really, really transparent because you don't want to look back and think, actually, they were making it quite clear that this wasn't going anywhere.

Like they said it, but also some of their other actions. So if once you've had like a conversation of like, is that still how you feel? Then you can make a decision informed off of that. You can carry on seeing them, absolutely. But you have to really manage your expectations of it. I think that's great advice. What about you?

Yeah, I mean, it's like so hard to be super communicative. Like you, I feel you do just want to be like, let's just like pretend I'll see how I feel in three weeks or four weeks or five weeks. But like if like that the other person has like said, has said the opposite of what you want. I feel like the mature thing to be or like the safer thing to be would be to cut it off but we never do though do we we fucking love the message do as I say not as I do

this is it I would agree with both of you I would oh god she already likes him he's not also if he liked her he would be looking for something

he probably is looking for something serious he just doesn't like her enough. He's just saying it. And he probably likes you a good amount. Yeah, because he's still seeing you. Because that's nice. But like, I feel like... But I don't know though,

because sometimes I really don't know what I want. And so I'll say that to be like, I don't know what I want. It's like a self-protection thing. Because I've been burnt so many times. So sometimes if I'm like, or I've just gone through a breakup and I'm like, I'm really not looking for anything serious. And sometimes it is

because I really don't know what I want, but I can like that person. I think so too. Which sounds like a lie, but it is true. This person should go on enjoying the fun dates and good sex.

Absolutely. And start dating somebody else. Yeah. Manage your expectations. You don't want anything serious? I'm going over here and then that will trigger him

to be like hang on be mine but I think that's good advice but I don't think she's going to do that I think she's a monogamous one date

kind of girl what makes you think that she wrote IRL that gives me some never in capitals the cast of it's telling me the fact that she says never happens

she's a vibe never happens I think she dates one person at a time and that's ordinarily what I say to all my girlfriends. Initially, have a roster.

Have a few faders. Fader one, fader two, fader one, Also, she said you went on Remember to not give them the wrong name during sex

is what I would say. I did. Did you do that? I've done that so many times. Oh my God. I've done that so many times. Do you say them all as like name,

hinge, name, hinge? I've nearly gone to type in to like but then Siri will read out a message like Ethan from Hinge

has sent you a message but no I just what happened when you screamed the wrong name I've done that so many times like after I've broken

up with people and then the next person I'll get if I call them the wrong name it's really bad it's really bad they're like okay I'm gonna go now

yeah so just call just say baby is what I would say baby everyone's a baby baby and then you want to

say to your tree oh god yeah yeah just say god oh god yeah god that was my ex god oh yes

yes yes I saw this meme the other day I saw this meme the other day that was like shouting fuck during sex is like screaming parkour while you're doing parkour. It's so funny. I can't stop thinking about it.

Sex, yeah. I find it really sexy when I call out their name. So I, like, it quite turns me on. So I have to really actively think about what is their name? What is their name? John Tom. Badger. Badger Tom Badger Badger Badger

great name it's strong thanks for listening to this episode it was fun huh it was fun I really enjoyed it I had a good time

yeah I love them good comedy duo yeah yeah yeah which one would it be lol if you have any thoughts, questions, any dilemmas,

any problems, issues, you can email us at browngirlsdoit2 at bbc.co.uk or you can send us a WhatsApp or voice note to 07968

10822 Should we do it in Je ne t'aigriens style? Oh, seven, oh, you can send us a one,

one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, seven. Oh, you can do this. Oh, one, two, three, go. Oh, seven, nine,

six, eight, 100. Oh, seven, nine, six, eight,

100. Oh, seven, nine, six, eight, 100. Oh,

eight, two, two. Bye. 7968100 822 822 822 822 822