Brown Girls Do It Too - Sexpectations

Episode Date: August 7, 2019

An Asian girl's sex life is often shrouded in secrecy. However Roya, Rubina and Poppy are breaking all taboos in this revealing podcast.In this episode, Poppy, Roya and Rubina talk about Sexpectations, all those things during sex that they are expected to do and the expectations they have of their partners. From shaving to swallowing and oral sex to anal sex, what are those expectations that they have to contend with and what are their red lines when it comes to sex?‘Brown Girls Do It Too’ is a no holds barred conversation between three British Asian girls, who all have sex and are unashamed to talk about it. All the ‘ins and outs’, from the messy realities to the mythical fantasies and sexpectations, Poppy, Rubina and Roya talk about their relationships and sex lives in this funny full frontal podcast.These are genuine and thought provoking conversations, between three progressive British Asian girls who have and enjoy sex, conversations that have never been aired before. How do they navigate the complex world of sexual adventures with their cultural backgrounds and familial expectations?

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. Brown Girls Do It Too. Yeah. From the BBC Asian Network. Hi there. You're listening to me, Robina, and also to Poppy. Salaam. And Roya.

Yo, yo. And this is the Brown Girls Do It Too podcast. This is the podcast where three brown women chat about one thing that seems to be off limits to most people, and particularly brown women. And that is the subject of sex. And before we get started, we have to warn you that we're going to be talking about sex in a lot of graphic detail, and sometimes we get a bit sweary. So if that does offend you, then please do go and check out another podcast on BBC Sounds. Otherwise, stay right here,

because it's about to get real. That's right. When was the last time you heard an Asian woman talking openly about sex? Never. That's because she knows she'd be slut shamed or at the very least she'll be accused of bringing shame on herself and her family. Sorry Poppy though because that's where we come in. The three of us are not afraid to admit that we've slept with a few um people robina how many people do you reckon you've slept with i like to box the categories 20 to 25 25 to 30 this is the one time boxing is like actually positive usually it's like a minority name or thing and you're like i slept with 40 people that is so true it's like try taking the fucking 30 to 35 age box. I'm so sorry, I swore. Yeah, so what is your number, Rubina?

I'm going to go for the 20 to 25 box. Decent. I like that. I'm in the upper end of that box, but I mean, I'm in it. I'm in it. I'm solidly in it. Poppy, what about you? I'm going to go for the 20 to 30 box.

She just opened the box right up. The boxes were in five, multiples of five. She's like, you know what, I'm just saying, there's 10 to 15. I'm so sorry, I changed the multiples, I apologise, but I'm going to stick to that box. What about you, Roya? I like the fact that you two share a box. That's really cute.

I am in the lower box of the 10 to 15 box. But Roya, you've also got quite an interesting way of tracking all the men you've slept with. I do. I have a nice list on my notes on my phone of all the men I've even kissed,

all the men I've done stuff with and all the men I've slept with. So I'm going to show that to my daughter one day. I'm really excited. I think that's a really good idea. I think that's the issue, isn't it? We're never really open about sex with our own families. I also just don't know think that's a really good idea. I think that's the issue, isn't it? We're never really open about sex with our own families.

Like, when did anyone... I also just don't know if I'd know all of the names of everybody I've ever kissed. That is detailed. Some of them are... One guy's called Halloween.

Oh. They've all been given code names. Oh, yeah. One guy's called Guy on the Street. Oh, nice. Guy on the Street.

I always have, like, their name and then Tinder. Top of the bottom of Rotterdam. Right. So in this series so far, we've discussed how each of us have lost our virginity and also discussed masturbation, which was a hell of a subject. This episode is all about sexpectations, things you are expected to do sexually. Remember to use hashtag browngirls to get involved and to comment on what you hear. So Rubina, why don't you go first?

Do you have any sexpectations? What was sexpected of you? So many things. I think like being a woman and being Asian, Indian, I think a lot of times I was expected never to make the first move. And that was very troubling for me because no one was making any moves on me.

So it was either like nothing happened unless I tried to make the first move. And making the first move as a woman, as a brown woman, is like next level crazy. Like, you know, when you're just trying to go in for the, for like a kind of, are we going to kiss? Can I come in? I also agree with that. I hate making the first move. And that's because whenever I made the first move when I was a kid, I was rejected.

And, I know, sob story over here. And that was because it was like, I was like you, Robina, hairy and... Hey, what? No, I mean I was. I totally was hairy. You admitted it! This is a show, doesn't show, does it?

Was. Was being the operative word. I was hairy and I had to also have braces and I wasn't very comfortable with myself. This was also pre-nose job, so my nose was the size of Italy. Nothing wrong with the big nose, guys. You rock it. I didn't. So I felt like any time... Nothing wrong with the big nose, guys. You rock it. I didn't. So I felt like any time I made a move, the boy was like, yeah, no.

So since then, I never make the first move. Like, I'm like, you have to basically be straddling me for me to know that you like me and this is going to happen. Is that even now, Roya? You wait for guys to make the first move now or yeah definitely I mean do you I mean maybe this is some other insider chat but I just trust that but I think going back to sex expectations Poppy do you feel like as a woman you've got to be like chased? Oh, absolutely. So I went through a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde kind of evolution in my sex expectations personality.

Everything up until my divorce, I was like, well, obviously men make the first move because that's what it says in every literature and every book and in society ever. And if you as a woman, even dropped a hint of making the first move on a guy, well, he's like, well, you're obviously a slut and you get it all the time. So I'm not interested in you. And then after my divorce, I now do completely the opposite. I basically think like a guy, I always make the first move. And if I get rejected, I'm completely okay with it. But it's I think it took quite a traumatic thing to happen in my life to really shift and recalibrate my own sexpectations. But you totally grow up in a culture where, and you know, like Bollywood,

it's not just Bollywood films, Hollywood films, where women are not expected to make the first move. They're expected to be submissive. And that's a sexy thing. Submissive women are sexy, apparently. That's it, Poppy. I think that's totally, I think there is definitely a problem in our culture with Asian women being submissive. And that's a sexy thing. Submissive women are sexy, apparently. That's it, Poppy. I think that's totally right. I think there is definitely a problem in our culture with Asian women being submissive.

And therefore, sex is like something that's given to us rather than something that we sort of initiate and start. And it does come from like a place of submission. And it's like even when you watch Bollywood films and it's like, oh, take me. And we're sort of there to be had sex onto i also think like there's a like real perversion around feeling like you want to instigate sex with somebody because you're like i'm horny that's natural i then want to come on to someone or instigate or try and have sex with somebody again natural but your brain and your body are reacting completely different ways because your body's like yeah this is good we're on and your brain is like oh my god don't do it yeah don't do it yeah totally it's like just physiologically

you are wanting to do it and have it but all the kind of constraints placed on you by society saying don't do it because he'll think that you're a slut or whatever just pulls you back i think that comes from a place actually just thinking about it um and talking about sexpectations uh there's this expectation that men are way hornier than women yes like yes and the amount of times a man has like cancelled on me because i don't know he cut his toenails that day and therefore he's really tired or like you know he had to do two things that day and he's like man I am beat it's like oh okay I woke up at five and did all this shit and I'm still game so I don't really know what you're fussing about and it's because we have this like thing that it's you

know it's always in like the films where it's like the woman's like oh not today I have a headache it's like that's total rubbish it's always the woman being like make love to me and the man's like oh sweetheart I'm really tired and I think it's because this thing of we assume that women are less horny than men and I actually don't think it's true it's complete bullshit Roya I think the other like sex expectation that we should definitely focus on is the biological expectation of your body. So, you know, there is something if you if you're having heterosexual sex, the man needs to be hard in order for you to do it. A woman needs to be vaguely wet. Hopefully that can happen. And we kind of put these pressures on each other because like I think it's I mean, we're quite lucky because I mean, I feel like I get wet quite easily.

And that's not really a problem for me. And I always quite up for it but my sex drive is probably quite high but if you're a guy you have to get it up I feel like there is probably a little bit more pressure there What for the guys to like constantly deliver

Yeah I mean I've been with guys where this is a little double standard on my part here when they haven't got it up I'm like oh this is so annoying

why can't you get it up and I give them the pressure eyes and I feel bad I mean I don't even feel bad I'm And I give them the pressurize. And I feel bad. I mean, I don't even feel bad. I'm like, I don't give a fucking shit. It's actually, it is a bit of a double standard. I get like a guy when a guy doesn't, isn't hard.

You get like a guy. As in like, I'm like, I put that pressure on them. Like, why not? Why? I'm here. I'm ready to deliver. That doesn't help. No, I know

I know that I think that's like predatory behaviour I know I'm trying to be nice about it but I'm like fucking hell get your act together

it's a fun fact in porn because I work on a show about porn and I've been spending a lot of time in the book porn a man's fee

starts to go down for all the time he doesn't get hard like they take money off oh wow so talking about expectation it's like it's really hard because it's like he is losing money every time his dick doesn't work oh my god that's crazy that's actually crazy and i'm the i suppose on the flip side of that and now reflecting back on the many times i gave someone pressure eyes for not delivering that is part of their identity like often when you've been with a guy and he doesn't come up he often gets like little sad puppy face like oh like I feel like they

define some of their sort of sexual prowess by their ability to be hard and when they when they're not hard they feel like they haven't delivered i think i probably don't help in that situation yeah i think even for us as women there is this expectation to look a certain way when you're having sex just okay so first you have to do all this preamble being a woman and get dressed and like tease the man over to your bedroom and like oh look at me and then when you take off your clothes you have to be like completely waxed there's no hair anywhere on my body i'm just a slippery seal and then you have to just like the whole time while sex is happening look good

and sex is messy sex is sweaty sex is gross sex is gross and sex is animalistic and just feeding on that you look rough during sex but your sister's lying there

being like oh yes my men are still on a place darling please and just feeding on that an Asian trying to get rid of all their hair I always miss a bit

there is hair everywhere there like you have to you have to have like a yoga degree to get into all the crevices where there is hair it's a nightmare sex is also I mean I know we covered this I'm an exception to the rule in that I'm actually for an Asian, not hairy at all. Most of my hair is on my face, but it's expensive because you've got to wax. That's like 70 odd pounds, 80 pounds if you get everything done. Okay. And then there is this, there is a total pressure to look good all the time. You have to have matching bra and underwear. You have to like perform like a porn star. You have to like, and also, especially when you're new and experienced and working everything out and you're like, does he like it hard?

Shall I tug? Shall I lick that little bit in between his like, you know, the line on the helmet? Like, what is he like? So you're thinking about- Nipple, lick. Exactly. And you're like-

Nipples, nipples, you never know. There's a huge expectation on you. And I certainly felt that initially, especially when I sleep with guys that I have to make I have to perform for them so when they go especially if it's a one-night stand when they go tell their mates and this sounds awful you want them to say you know I slept with this girl and she was whatever it is that they say she was awesome she was great like you feel it then becomes a performance rather than I need to feel satisfied. But do you know what?

Like when you're saying that as well, Poppy, I think it's also you feel like I'm representing the community when I go out there of like, I need to show that I'm good so that they don't go, oh, I slept with an Asian. She was really pretty. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's so true.

That is so true. I'm representing all of India is so true I'm representing all of India here and I'm representing Bangladesh and please we are good we are good

I want him to go back and be like I slept with this Middle Eastern babe and I'll tell you this girls from the Middle East aha they can do this

and this and this it's so true I think it's because people there's like an international recognition of Asian women,

especially in the countries where our heritage is from, that we are these submissive, quiet creatures who would never cause a fuss. And like, we have our big brown eyes that just kind of were like jasmines from Aladdin. That's bad, isn't it? And also it's like, when you think about what a man expects when he has sex with an Asian woman,

like I do think our bodies look different to white women. And I've had a couple of guys comment on that before. Really? What did they say? Oh, your nipples aren't pink. Yeah, or even like downstairs is like different. Big lips. Yeah, exactly. And I've been with a couple of guys who like prefer that.

I'm pretty sure there's a few guys who don't and prefer tucked in envelopes, which is fine. But on the flip side, it's also like, well, I don't want you to be with me because you're trying that. So then there's this expectation of like, what's an Asian girl going to look like? Naked. Naked, exactly. Because you don't see it. It's a forbidden thing to see like a brown woman naked. It's like, you don't see it. It's a forbidden thing. It's a forbidden thing to see a brown woman naked. It's like, you don't really see it on TV.

Also on the expectations upon women is this idea of us at least pretending we've had an orgasm every time and this weird performance that we put on. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I've never come from sex. I've never come from a man. And I have faked it pretty much every guy I've been with

because I, A, even want the sex to stop. So I'm like, oh, this will help. Oh, my God. That is so sad. It's over. It's tragic. It's over. That's really sad.

Did you not hear it? I was like it just happened that's really sad that makes me sad it's sad but it's also like we need to get on with it

I think it's I think it's very normal I think that actually the majority of the women in the world have had to at some point been like mate it's fucking over

no I know it's over just get it out I'm done I want to go to bed of course it's normal and I get it but like

to have to to feel like to have to do it every time. Yeah, because I just, it sounds really awful. But I know he's on like, he's running in a cul-de-sac, you know, like he's like, oh, I can't wait to get there. It's like, it's dead end. I don't know where you're going. He's running in a cul-de-sac.

You have the best sex analogies ever. What was the one you had last week? Like, I like it when they go round the park. And I'm like, I need them to get in the park right now. That's the thing. It's like I put on the performance because I don't want him to feel deflated or disappointed or that he's doing something wrong. See, even in sex, we're still thinking about them and their feelings and their emotions we don't want you to feel sad do we so I'm gonna fake it so you can feel like a man

but probably I I would disagree on that because I think sex is about it's like this kind of it's not just about orgasming but yes you are expected to do so it's actually so much more because it's between two people and you do have to respect each other's boundaries and respect each other and yes you know as women a lot of us have to be the pleasure givers a lot of time like how many times have you had a guy or a girl put their head on your hand to push you down to go down on them that's like a pressurized thing to be like we should try and pleasure each other but it's sex is like a team effort you do it with somebody else so you should be looking out for each other's pleasure as long as you feel it's equally.

Yeah, I don't feel like, this is what I'm saying, I don't feel like in terms of what you've described, it doesn't necessarily feel equal in that if you are the majority of the time having sex to fake orgasm, and I know so many of my friends, so many women do it for various different reasons. I've got to get to work, hurry it along. I'm not excited anymore. You know, Love Island is going to be on in about 20 minutes. Can we just finish this? For various different reasons, people do.

But I think it's the unequalness of orgasming. For me... Orgasm gap. It's a thing. It's an orgasm gap. Absolutely. For me, I have to cum every time. Sometimes I definitely will have pity sex where I'm like a bit of a cum bucket. Literally. Spread eagle, just finished. I take it for the team all the time. I'm like once in a while, I'm like, yeah, you got two minutes, let's go because I need to have a shower and I've got an email to send. I've got things to do. But when I have sex I come pretty much all the time oh that's good and for me for me I define sex as coming obviously I've had sex and I've not come it's a few times I haven't and it's okay it's like it's the taking one for the team

sex but generally when I have sex I have to come otherwise I don't see it as sex of course it's really interesting do you have that same thing or do you think that sometimes sex can just be the foreplay bit or does it have to be sensitive it's interesting about that because it's like if I had just thought of sex as the time I come I would still be a virgin I wouldn't be equipped to talk on this podcast. But do you know what it is? Going back to porn and like, I think there's something about, we are the generation of porn because we are the generation

which had access to the internet from a young age, from a teenage age. My moves in sex are definitely influenced by porn and the moves I've seen men do on me are definitely influenced by porn and the moves I've seen men do on me are definitely influenced by porn and therefore I definitely uh have a lot of sexpectations because of porn like that's why I fake cum that's why I give blowjobs even though I'm not a great fan. Fabina you are looking at me as if I'm mad don't tell me you enjoy giving blowjobs. I love giving blowjobs I think it's a lovely and wonderful thing

to offer someone because I really like it when someone goes down on me i just enjoy it and i really think that i'd like to reciprocate that but my rule is always they go first they go down on you and then you okay but here don't do it first i completely agree with you i like give i like the act of giving it's like i I enjoy giving this present. But the actual act of blowjobs is like I can't breathe. It's like a feeling of gagging.

Mate, what happened with your nose job? Can you not breathe through your nose? How are you doing this blowjob? I can't breathe, guys! There's a lot of like bobbing up and down like they never smell like you know a garden of roses

it's like I don't really understand I'm sorry but I'm produced just with his hand his head in his hand sorry keep going this is all informative

for him Poppy he should be taking notes yeah I just the actual act, like I do do it because I enjoy doing it and I actually enjoy the power. Like you have this man at your feet, basically, you know, completely pleasured by you. But I just, it's just like,

oh, they just, they're so awful. I'm with Roy on this. Their blowjobs are inconvenient. You're gagging. You've got saliva dripping down your nose. Sometimes my nose gets runny. So it's like a double, very wet. There's hair.

It doesn't smell great. And it's like this thing protruding in your mouth. And I've tried to deep throat once. And I was like, I'm going to definitely bring up last night's food. It's just not going to happen. And I make it very, I like your kind of ethos into, I mean, into like giving blowjobs

and you're very much giving and receiving. Royer, it sounds like you are very much the giver and you will perform something even though you don't particularly like. And Poppy, you're just the taker.er clearly and rabina's like the happy media that's so true you're like you'll do something even if you don't like it for like a certain amount of time you're like i'm all about giving and receiving and i'm all about taking but my but the flip side is do you guys swallow i i swallow pretty much every time i

swallow too also it's less messy oh i've got something i actually don't let them come in my mouth oh i let them come in my mouth and it tastes sometimes it tastes lovely is it very good for you good for the skin yeah i don't know but it's just like it's like a sweet tasting thing and it also it's sweet it's like i just i make it very clear i'm like i will give you a blow job but it's not my favorite thing to do. I'm much better with my hands. You have options. What would you like me to do?

That's usually how I do it. Oh my God, that's Poppy's sex talk. They get into ventures. These are my red lines. These are my expectations from you. And if you just want to sign this contract here, we'll be ready to consensually have sex. But I think it definitely comes from a bit like how Roya talks about her experiences.

Being in a community where something is expected of you all the time. You know, I was married. I was put in situations that I wasn't happy with. And I think that's really changed my outlook on things where I'm probably more direct than I need to be about what I want. Because what I want needs to be crystal clear. It's obviously a two-way conversation. Someone could be like, well, I really like blowjobs. And it's like, fine, we'll compromise.

And actually, I know men who don't act, well, I don't know if this is men being like, trying to be too woke or trying to be too right on who, and they're like, I actually don't like getting blowjobs because I, you know. What's wrong with them? Yeah, it's like, oh, fuck, get lost. Like, of course you enjoy, Oh, I don't enjoy chocolate.

Like, what are you talking about? Like, go away. Stay right here, guys, because we will be talking about the weirdest places we've had sex, having oral sex on our periods, and can you guess which one of us enjoys anal? Peaky Blinders Series 5 is nearly here.

We're going back. And we're going to get obsessed. By order of the Peaky Blinders. I'm nearly here. We're going back. And we're going to get obsessed. By order of the Peaky Blinders. I'm Lawrence Mozaffari, and I'll be here recapping every series up till now, taking you through every twist and turn with our Peaky-loving podcast guests. Also, I'll be joined by the team from behind the scenes,

producers, directors, and more that will feed the appetite of die-hard superfans of the show. They're here today in this room. Obsessed with Peaky Blinders. Download and subscribe now on the BBC Sounds app. We're going to let them have it. Brown girls do it too. I don't think this is going to make it into the edit,

what I'm about to say. But, like, I have been with a range of men, both circumcised and uncircumcised. And I have to say that I do prefer circumcised penises I think they're much prettier and they're just easier to deal with oh no way you've got to keep the skin on so you can you know go all the way up and down and you can see what you're doing my flatmate says there's no skin sometimes you're like is he feeling anything my flatmate does say that she's like without the foreskin how do you give a you give a hand job? Because how do you get the kind of

I don't know why I'm doing the hand. Sorry, you don't need to see that. You all know what a hand job is. Also, that was a very generous hand job. It was like, I don't know what to do. But yeah, I have been with guys who go, I just prefer hand stuff or I actually prefer just going down and you.

I don't think Poppy's way is the most romantic way, but I do think there's something to be said in talking at the beginning and being like, oh, I really like when, I mean, maybe don't take out all your kinks on the first thing I like, but I definitely think there's something in being like, oh, by the way, I really like enjoy kissing on the neck, or I really like my nipples being tweaked,

or I really like, these aren't my things, by the way. I mean, I sound like my nipples being tweaked or I really like these aren't my things by the way I mean I sound like Colonel Gaddafi in sex like I do I am I do like to listen to what they want but I

it is weirdly like a not a contract but I'm like you tell me what you like I'm going to tell you what I like and then we're not

fumbling around fanning around me pretending to be something I'm not and you doing this when actually I need you to go two inches to the left it's like I much prefer it to be open and I refuse to be in a situation and I have been a few times it's not that it's made me uncomfortable but I just like I don't want to waste time let's just get to it and potentially I could be a bit more

romantic fine I'll take note I totally agree I feel like there's no there's no expectation like the expectation for sex is always surrounded by it being like foreplay it and someone might go down a bit touching bit of rubbing penchant sex over and there's always this kind of formula to how sex should happen and I find that really annoying because I think that sex could be about so many other things and you can also have sex and then try and have sex again and you know in your earlier stages of relationship and all you're just doing is like ramming all the time and it's like really exciting and I just feel like there's always a yeah there's a play-by-play like if I kiss you here you're gonna kiss me here and that's just so boring so having that space to experiment and be like let's

try different things and if there's like yeah I think I think that totally comes, Rubina, from like drama and narrative. It's like whenever you see sex on screen, it's like kissing, cut to them humping each other. It's like, oh, what? Like, firstly, how did they get from the nightclub to the house and how are they still kissing? What's with the text?

Has anyone tried commuting home with someone? I haven't changed my mind on the commute home because it was too long. It's a true story. We ended up getting the night bus home and on the way I was like,

I have made a mistake. This guy sucks. That is hilarious. I picked up the wrong guy. So it's like, the idea that... You had an epiphany on the night bus.

I was like, and then I had to go ahead with it because I didn't have my keys because me and my flatmate went out with only one set of keys. So I was like, well, I had to go ahead with it because I didn't have my keys because me and my flatmate went out with only one set of keys. So I was like, well, I have nowhere to go.

So I'm just going to have to go back with him. Oh, man. I mean, that's a huge expectation, right? Because if you're in the bedroom, it's like, well, I mean, how do I, do I just go for it? And I've definitely had sex

where I'm just like not in it. Like I'm just like, Oh, entirely. You're a stranger. I'm in your weird bedroom and I've probably put myself in some more unsafe situations with that kind of mentality. But mostly I feel the pressure to be like, okay, just go for it.

This is it, isn't it? It's like you and the bus, you and the guy on the bus, Roy. It's like you feel you give, even though you didn't want to do it, you went home and you're like, well, now I have to have sex with this guy. And then it's like a slightly slippery slope into.

I think that's the thing. We've talked about sexpectations but the expectation of sex is the biggest expectation that's like yes you can't like I would sometimes be quite happy to just go back and get to know someone and it's like and even just like when you're dating someone you're like I don't know when I don't know when sex is on the menu or off the menu. It's like, we live in a society where sex, I just think sex is expected. It's expected. I also wanted to get down a bit to the nitty gritty of where you have sex.

Because I think a lot of the idea of sex when you first start is like, it's going to be in a bed, it's going to be with the lights off, it's going to be under the covers. And I think there is an expectation to sometimes keep it there. And that's where you think it should start. But isn't it really exciting when you have sex somewhere that's not in the bed? And you're like, oh, my God, we're like up against your bookshelf.

I never. Yes. And that's kind of really exciting because you're like, this feels like spontaneous and wild. And when you get into a relationship, the expectations completely change because it's only Sunday mornings This is so true This is so true It's like weekend sex allocated time it's like you have your window and if you don't

snag it now you're not going to get it for another week Yeah, so true You know when you start in a relationship and it's just like on the table, up against the wall it can be everywhere Where is the craziest place you've had sex, Robina? A library. Oh, nice.

Oh, nice. The university library. The university library. That is not revision. No, it is. What about you, Poppy? I did learn something, though. What about you you Poppy?

park fairly standard yeah I like that actually mine was outdoor too it was my best friend's garden oh yeah

and then everyone noticed and so they like started shining it was just not a very it wasn't a very private affair but it was under the stars

so relatively romantic it was cute yeah it um outdoor sex is interesting because it's just so inconvenient i think that's the thing it's like when sex is least convenient it's there's something quite hot about that yeah and it was so inconvenient we couldn't finish in the park we had to take it to the bed like there's just too many twigs and leaves oh yeah it's just not coming in the library it's also just very it's kind of like danger area as well you're like this is exciting because we could get caught but i'm like because we're in the history section so there's also other expectations when somebody goes down on you or you go down on somebody because

you know when you go down on somebody and then you come up to kiss them and if they don't kiss you like are you kidding me are you kidding me it's just respectful don't you think I think it's definitely respectful I think sometimes if they don't kiss you I'm okay with that but I'm I hear what you're saying like oh so I don't know if you girls have ever dated a guy with a beard but when he goes down on you oh oh my Jesus I We need a napkin. They never show you that in Bollywood films, do they? I like guys with beards. I just think, you know, they're like sponges.

They are like a blanket for smells and liquid and bacteria and all sorts. Which is everything that's happening downstairs. So it's like, you know, liquid and bacteria and all sorts. Which is everything that's happening downstairs. So it's like, you know, liquid and bacteria. So it's like when he comes back up and he's like, oh, give me a kiss. I'm like, just a second. Oh, but it's so self-cleaning down there. Bollocks.

I don't know what your rules are about sex and period and periods and sex, but I once was I don't know what your rules are about sex and period and periods and sex, but I once was on day one period and I don't necessarily get a heavy flow, but day one is heavier than day two and three and four. And I was having sex with this guy and for whatever reason that month, it was slightly like, I don't know what your period consistency is, but it's like a little bit gelatinous. Clotty.

And clotty. And so he went down and it was great. And I know we discussed it before, but I'm definitely in that 20% of women that only come from penetrative sex. So it's like, it's great that you're going around the park, but I need to get in the park now. So he came up to kiss me and this like gelatinous bit.

I mean, first of all, props to him for like even going down there on my period. And I did make it, I was like, disclaimer. I was like, I'm day one period-y. He didn't, he clearly didn't give a shit. And Slash might have been his thing. Did this guy have like an iron deficiency? I mean, maybe because he had no problems.

Oh, he was a vampire! Oh, God! I've often been with guys, though, who've had no problems with, like, sex during periods. Quite right! Absolutely. Quite right! Absolutely!

You know, when you're on your period, you are, like, more horny than ever, so, like, you know. But back to my Klotty story. So he went down, it was great, but I was like, time to come back out and put the thing inside. And he had this like gelatinous bit sort of swinging from his mouth. And I just thought, this is pretty gross. How do I deal with this situation? And actually, because if I was to be completely honest,

half of it was, it was expected of me to just kiss him. Because if he could go down on me and I was to be completely honest, half of it was it was expected of me to just kiss him. Because if he could go down on me and I was in that state, I could certainly kiss him with my fucking blood on his face. So I went for it. It tasted a bit irony and we got over it and it was done. Like I just went for it. I salute you. I went for it. I have to say there's something about periods, like my respect for men

when they are so cool about their periods. Absolutely. I think it's something we should congratulate them. The most romantic thing. We should not congratulate them. This should be like

demanded of them. Deformed. Any man who is weird about talking to you about... You sound like me, Rubina. You sound like me. Oh, shouldn't you demand it on them?

Any man who makes you feel disgusting for having a period can fuck right off. Brown girls do it too. This is not a good way to word this question, but the biggest expectation I've always felt in sex is, are we going to go backstop and do anal?

And up until now, I have not. Robina, you're looking good. Do you fulfil this expectation is what I'm asking? I haven't, but I have been approached many times. I've been asked for it, yeah. And do you just, thank you kindly? No, thank you. No, stepping away from that. I've also had one time someone just try it.

Like, so maybe, you know, like just, oh, wrong. Am I in the wrong place? Like, yeah, mate, you're in the fucking wrong place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think for me personally, it's a discussion that needs to be had. But I think that in today's times, the lot of women that I speak to, there is a real expectation to offer that up. That should be on the menu too.

And I think that's kind of rubbish. I mean, obviously, if you rubbish I mean obviously if you are uh not heterosexual and you are a man and that is like totally like how you guys have sex like fine I mean that makes sense and that's that I know it's a pleasure area and like you know maybe with the right person the right time but I just don't think it's something that should just be slipped in because it won't slip in no it definitely doesn't it doesn't slip so hang on neither of you two have had anal sex or are particularly keen on it?

I'd be up for it in the right context. And that context is drunk. Yeah, so my whole theory on anal sex is I won't let anyone go up there with me unless I can do it to them. So I'm going back to my life. Love that. So if I can just put a finger up,

then, you know, they can go up there too. See, I think even though that I like the principle of that rule, the girth of the width of a finger and a penis is very different. What about three? Also Poppy, you'd be surprised. I think with anal sex, having had anal sex

before, finding it difficult, then enjoying it, and then not really having anal sex, is that I've often been with guys, and the sexpectations at some point in this fling or relationship is that you will want to have anal sex with them. And they propose it to you in this sort of filthy, nasty, dirty, we shouldn't be doing it, but we should be doing it. What do you think about it?

And the idea being, I think the idea behind it is that obviously you are turned on. I'm not that selfish in sex, guys. You are turned on when they're turned on and they're clearly turned on by anal sex. So you want to give it to them. But the entire experience is quite painful, especially when you do it the first time. You need a lot of lube, and I find that I need to be in a much more sexed-up place

in order for it to happen. Does that make sense? Yeah. So I need to be, you need to be pulling out all the moves. It's almost like you need to work harder to do anal sex because I need to be up here sexually for you to then take it in. And I'm sorry, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, I love you. Unless you have a giant arse, I'm like Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

You don't just slip it in there. There's an episode where she gets a booty call, this guy comes in, and she's doing her little monologue and it's really, really funny. And then she says something like, oh, and it goes up there. And you're like, oh, interesting. And then the next day she sort of sits down and she's having another monologue and she's talking to herself and she's like, the whole day I thought, do I have a giant arsehole?

And I've never met a girl who has a giant arsehole, but it takes a lot of prep work. There's a lot of groundwork involved. And there was a time that I did enjoy it and then I stopped enjoying it and then I stopped doing it entirely but I don't meet that many girls especially and I mean with brown girls I never even talk about anal sex that enjoy it or like it I would like love to try it I'm like totally not against it I just haven't I have never felt maybe that's like

at that state of arousal where i'm like i'm totally up for it i trust you let's do it but at university uh because i could get my hand all the way into the end of a pringles tube they used to call me anal fisting hands like a nickname and but this hand's never been up anyone's bum but i do because i've shaked that hand so i've shaken that hand, so can we keep it clean? I think in general, anal sex is one of those things which is like, oh, have you tried it? Have you tried it? It's not like, it shouldn't be on the menu. All the time.

Yeah, unless you want it. I think, yes, I agree. I just think that you should always have an open mind to experimentation with like trust and everything going on. Because I think sometimes liking it a bit rough is, is, isn't kind of maybe part of this whole submissive sexpectation thing. But I quite like a bit of dominance.

And I also like to kind of take control sometimes. But it is quite fun to have somebody just like throw you down, somebody that you trust and that you're happy with. All consensual. Yes. Yeah. And just like really just like let go and I think a lot of

expectations of women are just to to never let go and that really upsets me because I don't want to live my life having never felt fully uninhibited

I think that I agree with you there Rubina I do in my sexual fantasies I do want to be dominated but I don't know if that comes from like

years and years of like patriarchy patriarchy and just like watching loads of Bollywood films where she's like saying no and he's still going for her fantasy is I do want to be dominated. But I don't know if that comes from like years and years of like... Patriarchy. Patriarchy and just like watching loads of Bollywood films where she's like saying no and he's still going for her and she's still saying no. And then he gets her with a sari and it's like, I don't know what it is, but clearly. Then it might also be because I have quite a dominant personality

in my day-to-day life and actually in sex. This is why you get CEOs who are all into BDSM because for once in their life, they want someone to tell them what to do and you know they want to get slapped up a bit what I get from that is we never as Asian women we're never really meant to have wanted sex it was like you know don't want it it'll come to you um and even more than not wanting it we weren't meant to talk about it and so I feel like the greatest expectation is like not talking about it, which we are busting over here.

My final thoughts on sexpectations is that we women need to talk about it. We need to have a safe space to talk about it. And we shouldn't be afraid to let everyone know what we want because we are not vessels for your pleasure. We also want to be pleasured ourselves. What about you, Roya? What have you learned from Sexpectations? I've learned that Poppy dates vampires.

But I've also learned that, I think my sort of message would be, be more selfish in sex. Yes. And preach. And tell the guy what you want and tell and learn what you want. Rabina, what about you? So my takeaway from today is to not have any expectations.

Just don't. Don't come to the party with anything. Just really, the only thing that I would say is expect respect and give respect back. Otherwise, your bedroom and your sexual life is all open. Do whatever you want. Try anything. Everything should be open to you. Be sex positive. Be open-minded. And just have fun.

That's what sex is about. Have fun. Don't feel any shame. Go for it. Yes. Guys, you've been listening to Brown Girls Do It Too. Make sure you subscribe to us so we pop up in the My Sounds tab in the BBC Sounds app. Yeah, and next episode, we will be talking about the vagina. And because I am the queen of masturbation and like to give myself two hours.

Slash a whole afternoon. And that is because I'm not in a relationship, so I have a lot of free time on my hands. I am setting Rubina and Poppy homework to go and look at their vagina in the mirror for a whole 15 minutes. No way, man. Five minutes. Five minutes. No, this isn't that. You can't slack. 15 minutes is a good matter. What am I going to do with 15? It's like,

I've seen it. I get it. Put the mirror away. She's such a ball breaker. Yeah. 15 minutes, guys. So's such a ball breaker. Yeah. 15 minutes, guys. So what are we reflecting on? Like where the stuff is? What are we doing? Are we opening up the flaps?

I want you to be able to... All for discussion in the next episode. All for discussion, but I'm just going to leave it on. I want you to be able to come next week and draw me it. See you next week.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Brown girls do it too. see you next week bye bye all too often we rush through our daily routines never stopping for a moment to think about ourselves and how we cope with everyday pressures until now we present how to thrive a podcast that looks at how different areas of life can affect well-being and mental health we'll give you the tools to thrive beyond the challenges of daily life A podcast that looks at how different areas of life can affect wellbeing and mental health.

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