Brown Girls Do It Too - Shout Out To My Ex with Joty Kay

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

Poppy and Rubina express gratitude for their exes and share tips for surviving heartbreak.

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. Before you listen for even five more seconds, we must ask, is the use of strong language a deal-breaker? Because if so, you need to love us and leave us. And if you can't handle us at our worst, or themes of an adult nature, you don't deserve us at our best. I guess this is goodbye. Brown girls do it too.

Hello! I'm Robina, and I'd like to thank my ex for dumping me and setting me free. And I'm Poppy, and I'd like to thank my ex for making me believe in love again. You're so true, it sounds really cheesy. You're so, you're like one of those people that's like so adoring about their ex still that I kind of think somewhere in the future you might get back with him. You know my other... Most people are like,

my fucking ex, I'm going to kill that guy! Yeah, yeah, yeah. My other best friend, she's visiting from New York and she said the same thing to me literally four days ago. She was like, I'm convinced you two are going to get back together again.

I'm like, well, noted. Neither of us feel that way now, but, you know, never say never. Don't know what the future will hold. Look at JLo and Ben Affleck 20 years later. That's true. There is literally not one of my exes I can imagine getting back together with. Not one of them.

Also, you need to remember I've only got two exes. Oh, right. Yeah, fine. I think I've got like, I would say I've got three solid relationship exes. Would you go back to, say, your current partner was in this? No way. Like, all of them ended so badly. And they were like, they were good relationships, but they ended so badly. And they were, like, they were good relationships,

but they ended so badly that I was like, oh, I can never, ever, ever. You couldn't be friends with them. No, because they ended so badly that, like, the badness of how they ended was so hard. You can't forget that. You can't walk away from that. Never, never, never, never.

It's all very telling the way someone breaks up with you. Yeah, so it's like how much respect they have for you when they break up with you. And it's so telling of their character, their personality. And it's awful. It's horrible because when you're with somebody and then they, they're telling you their character their personality so and it's awful it's horrible because when when you're with somebody and then they like dump you or they cheat on you or something like that because you're like what was the point like I felt like you know and I remember I was in one relationship and I said to the guy if you like want to if you like fancy someone else you know

and you want to like cheat on me before you cheat on me do you want to just like check in with me because I might be okay with it or maybe we can open it up or whatever like I just want to have like really transparent like conversations with you I don't want you to lie like come on

but then I found out recently through one of these guys I'm dating they like I'm all for like open honest you know me open book

let's get it all out yeah let's be honest ironically probably wasn't honest with my ex-partner but that's another episode for another time

in terms of what I wanted. But generally going into relationships and open relationships, I feel like you need even more comms, right? And they were like, they like the cheating element of it because it's the thrill. And I'm like, fucking hell, of course. How did I not think of that? It's so obvious.

But my ex-husband, that was a car crash. That was character forming. That changed my soul and my personality. Obviously would, that was a car crash. That was character forming. That like changed my soul and my personality. Obviously would never get back together with him. But I think fundamentally, I'm actually a really good, decent person. Because I would wish him as well, nothing but the best. You were kids. You know, but I'm like, I want him to be happy.

I'm not like sticking like needles in an ex-husband. I'm definitely like there now like looking back at those people i definitely want good stuff for them i don't have any problems with any of my exes but there is a small bit of me that like wants them to be happy but not as happy as me is that bad thing no i think that's a lot of people a lot of people say that so i have the opposite with my ex-partner who i just worship yeah like i want him to be happier than me if that's possible like I just why because he's so wonderful it's just like such an incredible and my ex is fresh right we talk

about this on this podcast it's like what six months ago no eight months ago now nine months ago so it's we're still in the sort of throes of it I don't know I don't know if I've processed it really I don't know if I've you know whatever um that's another conversation for I've, you know, whatever. That's another conversation for another time. But there's so much love and respect there. And it was a mutual breakup. Yeah. When it's mutual. That's the key.

I've never had a mutual breakup. This is so tragic. But every single relationship I've ever had that has broken up, they dumped me. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no, actually, that's a lie. There was one when I was like 12 or something. Doesn't count.

Oh, no, but we were together for like three weeks. And he got me a special girlfriend, Teddy. And when he gave it to me, I was like 12 or something doesn't count oh no but we were together for like three weeks and he got me a special girlfriend teddy and when he gave it to me I was like this is over because I thought it was the cheesiest thing so that's it so yeah I always been dumped I have yet to be dumped yeah you left both times yeah I left both times oh man I've already thinks you're the hot one now you're the one who doesn't get dumped. No, no, no, no. It will happen. It will happen. I guarantee you it will. But I've not had that feeling. And both times have been very, you know, that first one was a marriage.

It was toxic. It was just under very different circumstances. I was a virgin. You know, it's not normal. It's not normal. Well, if you're Asian, it probably fucking is normal. And the second one was mutual, long 10 years, respect, love. We still see each other. I'm supposed to pick up a chair after this podcast but i don't have time so i've got to work so i've not lived really in terms of

exes i can't wait for you to get dumped that's going to be serious i mean you learn something though don't you you learn yeah yeah and you learn about what what you want as well oh i mean i have dumped a few people but they were like short-term fling things but like my proper serious relationships all ended if you don't mind me asking why did they end it with you first one the the i think i talked about this they're like university school boyfriend who followed me to university yeah dumped me basically because well we were living we were living like on opposite sides of the country by the end of it so that makes sense yeah but he also told me that had a drinking problem that That guy. That guy! Yeah.

Fuck him! No, he was actually great. He made a whole album about me. And then, like, the main, like, the other, like, big relationship that broke up

was because he met somebody else. That's terrible. Yeah. And, like, that does happen, though. If you fall in love with somebody else, like, what are you going to do?

Would you rather someone break up with you because they fell in love with someone else or fell out of love with you fell in love with somebody else i see i'm i'm a fell in love with somebody else yeah sorry that's gonna be way easier it's way easier it's like i wasn't enough for you i want to be single so bad that i'm i'm out of love with you yes if it's like i just met somebody else and i feel different different and then that happens right like people are connected they're better suited. I know I would love to keep my current partner in a box

so he doesn't meet any girls and that would be absolutely great, but the reality is he's a man who's very attractive and he's going to live his life. And now he's got a baby. Pussy magnet. Yeah.

Dads are, man. They are. I hate to admit this. He's aging very well. He's aging very well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just any time you see a good father doing good father-ish things,

you think, good luck. And you wouldn't be wrong. Today we're joined by someone who has triggered the aunties and uncles just as much as we have. Her thirst traps are trapping, and she is as unapologetic as can be. She's a content creator, podcast and radio presenter. It's Jyoti K. That is the best intro ever. as can be. She's a content creator, podcast, and radio presenter. It's Jyoti K. Woo-hoo! That is the best intro ever. Today we're talking about exes.

Shout out to our exes. Shout out to my ex. Clearly not Rubina's exes. No, I'm not speaking to her. I'm not really trying to shout out any of those exes either. Good, thank God. So puppies basically

came out of a relationship eight months ago. And she talks about her ex with such love. She's always like, oh, he's a mutual breakup she's like he's the best man ever he's so wonderful

that's cute that's nice okay but I've never heard me and you're like fuck this fuck that guy I want him dead

yeah I do a little bit sometimes I don't wish him the best at all no I really don't I mean I feel like I should

because that's like the mature thing to do but really if you ask me genuinely and if they hurt you it's going to feel that way. Talk to us about your exes. What is your ex history? What's it saying?

Okay, so I have like, it was like my ex-boyfriend, my real ex-boyfriend. The one that I'm talking to now is just like one of those relationships that aren't relationships that you've never said was one. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So let's go back to the real one first. Okay, so that one like he was he it was during covid and i was lonely i met him through my friends and it was nice we were together all the time and it was nice but then when covid was over he realized how social i was and he did not like it oh yeah sorry is he an asian was he a brown guy no that's the funny thing about it I dated a non-brown guy

thinking they would be non-brown they're all the same shit they're the same mic drop you learn something new every day because I did that

classic slightly maybe internal inverse racist thing you asked if he was brown straight away no because I was like brown guys usually are like you can't go out

my mum's gonna do it you do that it's a trope and I'm sorry I did it but it's I think it's just cultural men hashtag not all brown guys and thathtag not all brown guys.

And that's why I asked immediately. It's cultural men. Because he's Puerto Rican. Oh, he's brown. He's brown. So, so proving my point and my theory. Mic drop. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, baby girl. What is that? They're like dominant or they're just like. Dominant. It's because I'm like an alpha. So I need a man to like out alpha me. It's weird. Yeah, but I would say you have definite alpha energy, which is amazing.

But I would say you need the right kind of alpha to feed off your alpha. Because if he out alphas you, he needs to like raise you out alpha. That's true. Not put you down and block you out alpha. And that's what happens to me. They try to be like, you don't need to do this anymore because once they got you because look at you you're stunning once they got you it's like stay home yeah are you sure you want to go out with that girlfriend again are you sure you want to put up that tiktok again and then the snidey comes

and then you're in a coercive controlling relationship why do you have your tongue out on the photo i'm like i always have my tongue oh my these men. Oh my God. How did you break up though? Tell us the story. It was the longest breakup of my life. For me. I'm in one of those. You know when you break up and then you're just like

still talking to each other. So it's just like, do I get mad at you? Do I not get mad at you? Do we have sex? What's going on? We do. Obviously we do.

The sex would probably be great. It was great sex. But that was it. Other than that, it would just confuse us and it was just easier to like fight about things like well we're not even together but it was convenient to be together so it was long story short like how long did that phase last for because I'm sort of in that phase right now yeah so we were together for a year and then our breakup was like six

months like six months and it like took me to I'm a horrible liar by the way and we're Asian really yeah it's and like he didn't understand that because I lied about going to Vegas yeah but I'm just stupid because I feel like I have social media like he's gonna find out yeah and he found out and then you know even though I wasn't doing anything bad you know when you lie it just seems like you're doing something bad. You're automatically got a cucumber up your ass and you're in an orgy. And you're in Vegas so you obviously are.

Yeah, yeah. A hundred percent. So to him he was just like she must be up to something. No, I just lied because you make drama when I go somewhere and I just don't want

to deal with that. And that is a not an amber flag that is a red flag where you are lying about where you're going. And you're not even doing anything on top of that.

And you're not even doing anything and you're not even doing anything you're probably just in Las Vegas watching Netflix why do you want someone to be so controlling though yeah he was just

in my space so I got too much and after I lied so it was kind of like I messed it up but I'm so happy that I did because I think

I would have kept holding on if I didn't mess up to be safe you need a big catastrophic event or something to happen to then cut it because that's what it is oh my god I love a good breakup argument It didn't mess up to say you need a big catastrophic event or something to happen.

Yeah. To then cut it because that's what it is. Yeah. Oh my God. I love a good breakup argument where you're like, I fucking hate you. I love the sex. I love the sex. I'm better than you. And then when you have that little.

It's nice and dramatic, right? Like it's, I just feel like I, like I say, I don't like it, but I feel like I do. I love it. Is this where you are right now with this one? No, no. So this one, he's been like, he's the in-betweener of the relationship. You know what I mean? He's the filler.

Yeah. From the Puerto Rican to the next one you're going to have. Yes, exactly. He's the one I'm going to leave when I find my husband. You know what I mean? I know. You know what I mean? But also he's, I'm not going to say who, but he's a rapper in the hip hop world.

And we've been on and off like for years. It's always like. Oh, he's a year. He's like, you's always like oh he's a year he's like you've got there's history history so he's like a fuck buddy yeah no i think i think fuck buddy with bolt on no but we also have feelings yes yes there's feelings they make pasta you cook they cook they do stuff he cooks for me i'm not judging you here but like they do like in couple stuff yeah we do couple-y stuff. Yeah, we do couple-y stuff.

But the thing is, but when it's convenient, both of us can disappear for days because we're not together. That's the one where you've not said, this is who we are. Yes. But do you want to marry this guy?

No, so the plot twist. He has a baby mama. And also growing up in our, like, you know, the brown community, you don't deal with baby mama. Where did you grow up? Sorry, we should cover this. Yes.

Well, I was born in America. But my first generation. But still, like, you still have, like, those values within you. Oh, yeah. Like, being a baby mama. I mean, nowadays, I don't mind. You know, it's fine. But, like, that's.

Sorry, when you say baby mama, he has a child with him. He has a child with someone else. Oh, yes. Child with him. But they're not together anymore. No. But it gets. Yeah, yeah. Tell, but it gets sticky.

So he had one before I met him, and I was like, okay, whatever. He has a baby. I didn't know him. No problem. So he comes back around this time, perfect timing after I'm done with this long breakup, and everything's going great. We have a great personality. Like, he has a great personality.

I have a good personality. We're having fun. And then one day he's like, I have a great personality like he has a great person i have a good person we're having fun and then one day he's like i have to tell you something and i'm like ha ha what are you gonna say you have a baby on the way because that was my one thing with him like when you have another baby on the way i'm done right and he's like it's not that black or white and i'm like what the fuck do you mean it's not that black or white so when he broke up with his last girl he went and slept with his baby mama. And she said she was taking vitamins while she was taking birth control. And then it interfered.

We're women. I take vitamins, everything with my birth control. It's doing great. Why do women? I don't understand it. Absolutely. But it takes two. Hang on.

It takes two. He put his penis inside her and came. No, that's what I thought. But did he want to get pregnant? Was his intention to get pregnant? So I would say. He trusted her in that sure. It takes two. He put his penis inside her and came. He came with a cream pie. But did he want to get pregnant? Was his intention to get pregnant? So I would say... He trusted her in that sense. He trusted her.

Like, she's on the pill. Like, come on. And she took vitamins. Oh no. And then he was telling me... I'm squarely blaming her here. But I mean, look, I was a baby mama myself.

Which I am. Don't worry, Rubina. My future is a baby mama. It's fine. I'm a baby mama myself and I'm just saying that if you have one kid with somebody

genetically you can't avoid the other kids Raveena babe I know it's a trap this guy I know it's a trap

this guy oh you're not marrying him he's definitely after the second baby I was like okay so what did you say you dumped him no she didn't

no well I don't have anybody else so I'm like I don't have dick on time. Yeah, so I was like, you know what? Mentally, in my head, I was like, okay, this is not going to... Before, I was like, maybe. Oh, now it's done.

You buried it. I buried it. So now it's just... Does he know that? He'll know it now, but does he know it? I just block him when I post this, right? I feel like he has a feeling, so he's being more sweet. Like, he bought me a chain.

He gave me... Because he realises now he's over... He's doing those things. But don't let him overcompensate with buying you shit. Oh, no, it's not happening. No, no, I'm too smart for that. So I'm just enjoying that. I'm just enjoying the necklaces.

Until I find my husband, then we're out. Josie, have you ever been dumped? You didn't strike me as a girl who's ever been dumped. No, no. So I haven't been dumped, but I stick around until I fuck up. And then they're like, can't talk to you anymore. You know what? That's what I'm doing now.

Yeah, so it's like, it's complicated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I totally get that. I totally get that. Like, we'll break up, but then we'll still be talking. And then I'm just, I just do such reckless stuff that they're just like, just go away. Yeah, you sort of take it too far. Yeah, like, it's that's what it is.

So no, I haven't been dumped. But I've, I've pissed people off where they don't want to talk to me. What is the Jyoti playbook of how you get to that stage before they're like, I don't want to talk to you anymore? So, like, what do you mean? Like, how do I have them hate me? Yes. I mean, where do I start? Okay, well, number one. Let's teach our listeners.

Number one, lie and get caught every time. Rule number one, lie and get caught. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every way you can get caught. This is good. This is useful.

Every way you can get caught, is good every way you can get caught do it okay yeah good rule number two rule number two when you get caught act like you're sorry

do it again rule number three do it again and that's how they leave you oh my god that is such a simple playbook

that makes total sense I'm so sorry I didn't mean it I will never do it again do it again you're like the guy quote unquote guy i love it it's like a power no i like it like it is it's also like uh it's also like what i was i think about the things i do afterwards because you know sometimes i'm like why do i do this i think it's an ego thing so like after we break up to me it's like i want to see if you still want me you you know? And I want you to want me.

Oh God. Yeah. I've done that too. And then it's so toxic because it's like, I don't want you, but I want you to think I want you. I want to know that you still want me. I think that's what it is.

I wouldn't be fucking up. Yeah. I wouldn't be fucking up if I wanted you, but I keep doing these things and I'm, I don't know. It's, it's, I don't know.

Do you think that you have, um, do you think you find it hard to break up with people that you know you need to break up with yes yes and I think it's daddy issues but not hello and not in the sense of like my dad wasn't there it's just like he was there and then he became an alcoholic and into things and he was my best friend he was very absent right when I him. So I feel like I kept getting in these toxic relationships with these hyper-masculine men to fill that void.

Yes. And then I would fill these voids and not really be happy. So then I started doing toxic stuff because I'm like, I'm not really in it. You know what I mean? And then you just feed off

each other's toxicity. Yeah, you do. And then all I've seen is toxicity. All these, like, my parents weren't together. They slept in separate rooms. So I've seen this growing up. So to me, it's toxicity. Yeah, you do. And then all I've seen is toxicity. All these, like my parents weren't together. They slept in separate rooms. So I've seen this growing up. So to me, it's normal.

Yeah. Yeah, because you just play out the relationships you see with your parents. Like I have the same thing without realizing it. Yeah, of course. Or you just,

you think it's like normal or you think it's love. You think weird stuff's love. Yeah, you're like, he's obsessive. He loves me. You know? He wants to keep me locked up.

Oh my God, he loves only me. So all of us are on quite different spectrums of this X spectrum. I already said spectrum. I already said X spectrum. Did you know that Maya song that's like... In case of the X. What you gonna do in case of the X? There's still that stick in the forest.

In the desert even. I used to live in an apartment I used to teach the girls how to do the dance with the stick no way yeah I swore I was Maya oh my god

I know all the words to that song she was the closest thing to an Indian girl that we had yeah oh my god that's so true Maya you're right that is so true

she does have that was she Indian in any way no she looked like it and then MIA came along and then that was a game changer the real Maya the real Maya

good one can't remember my point because that was so good no sorry I took us on a tangent no but I was saying on our X spectrum we're all in different stages

you sadly have been she jumped to 12 year old but she you've been I'm 12 year old she jumped to 12 year old

oh she was 12 most of we're really on the different spectrum no she's not a pedophile I jumped to 12 year old she was 12 she was 12 most of we're really on a different spectrum no she's not a pedophile I jumped the 12 she was 12 and when she jumped these other 12 girls

I basically said that all of my past relationships I've like of them most of them I've been dumped like because I think I think similarly to you

actually now I'm looking back I probably did do some pretty kind of crazy toxic shit like including being quite wild and drunk,

that one of them was like, you've got a drinking problem. I broke up with me because you thought I had a drinking problem. Do girls have drinking problems? Yeah. I hear this all the time as well. Maybe you should stop drinking.

No, I don't think that's the problem. No, that's not it. That wasn't it for me. You're the problem. No, no, no. You need to handle my drinking problem. Exactly. That's fucking healthy.

Exactly. You need to help me through this. Yeah. You need to take me to rehab. Yeah, you need to help me through this yeah you need to take me to rehab you need to pick me up from where i'm at yeah that's such an asian way of thinking a good husband rehab and drops me off poppy once said this really interesting thing to me that really stuck with me she was like what i do when i get in relationships is i meet somebody and i like get them to fall in love with me and And then I slowly show them I'm crazy. That's what happened.

It really stuck with me because I was like, oh God, that's what I do. Men have so much choice. Hello, look at you two. They show you. So you have to like make them fall in love with you, then show the crazy. Yeah.

But they do the same thing though. They do the same thing. They're like, oh, I'm understanding. Yeah, you can go out. I have a secure man I don't care if my girl goes out with her friends and wears skirts

we're not geniuses in that sense by the way six months later why are you wearing that yeah yeah yeah there you go wait what that's how you met me

yeah exactly you liked this before yeah yeah yeah totally but like I've been I've left I've been in two relationships my whole life

so I've left them both you've been dumped and've left, I've been in two relationships my whole life. So I've left them both. You've been dumped and you are in this weird middle bit of the ex spectrum where you're like, I make them hate me and then they leave. Some of them come back though and I get really surprised. I'm like, you really want this again? Like you want to go through this? Okay, so I was going to say, very neatly segwaying back, you would never get back together with your exes as we've deduced if they no way

a lot would have to change in my life to get me to a point where I was like that desperate that's a horrible thing to say but a lot would have to

evolve where I'd be like wow I'm like you're not even my type anymore what was I thinking have you got together with an ex and would you

consider it with Puerto Rican just the rapper guy but that's because that's more a thrill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're not really together. There's not really like a... He's just a filler. Yeah.

He fills up a space and then he... It's a fun filler. Yeah, it's a fun filler. It's a good time. But other than that, no, because I think like they catch me at a time where I'm like, like you said, we have a lot of, they have a lot of choices. We kind of have to like, okay, you know, he kind of cuts off the boxes. He's a nice guy. So then after I get

over you, I'm like, ugh. What was I thinking, you know? So no, I wouldn't. Do you ever like Google your exes? Do you ever stalk your exes? We Google them right when we start talking. Like, hold on, where is this guy? LinkedIn. My friend, call her. Hold on, look up his everything. Afterwards,

no, I don't. when i'm this type of people like once i'm over you i don't want to oh do you rip cord you're done i'm done i'm done really yeah i can't you're not on good relationship friendship terms with any of your exes you're just like out um no when they try to come back around like i'll be nice yeah i'll be like okay hope you're okay whatever but when they try to like get into it with me like I can see the flirtiness I'm like oh no no no you're not even my type anymore Satan go away

it's like I've grown now once you're out of my like hemisphere I don't even care what you do but I'm kind of interested in exes because they say so much about who you were at that time and I find that fascinating like I have occasionally gone through old emails. When I was 18, I had this boyfriend, right?

And we were really much in love. And we were together for two years. This is the one that dumped me for having a problem. I was like, I'm going to get married. Yeah, I was like, this is everything. And basically, I grew up in London. And when I went to university in Edinburgh, he followed me to Edinburgh.

He was on his gap year. And he came to live where I was at university. So I was like, this is forever shit. And the other day, I started looking through Facebook because I was like trying to look for something and I like accidentally landed on in my inbox of like him and I ended up like going back and reading some like old face messages we sent each other and it's so weird like but I was like this person who was so in a relationship with this person that was having like familiar yeah familiar conversation like I love you I'll see you then catch up with you oh I'm sorry I did this let's

do this okay you can see my mom all this kind of chat when I was looking I was like that was a different girl that was literally different girl and I looked back at that girl and I was like god she was so idealistic before you before you came here I was saying like my ex-husband it was like it was like character building like my personality shifted like you grow with each ex and like my ex partner now who is amazing who I'm like talk about him in a very loving way he helped like he

so I met him when I was at my lowest ebb after my ex husband and he kind of helped build me and raise me and gave me confidence and love and it was all very like so fucking cheesy but all those beautiful things all those good things and then you... God, it sounds... Even now, I obviously haven't still properly processed it

because it happened very recently. Like, I love him. I love him and I'd do anything for him, but you're sort of out of love. You're not in love. You have love for them, but you're not in love. And I think ten years is good innings. It's like the Huffington Post marriages, right?

Very good, yeah. I feel like there's lots of people who look back at their exes and think what the fuck was I thinking but also like was that actually bad for me like was I stuck somewhere

that I didn't know if that should I have gotten out earlier and all that stuff but do you maybe this is me just being very like oh you know

utopia exes but like do you feel like it sets you on a different course 100% who are you going to end up with 100% 100% do you know what I mean and do in your life and now you're gonna do that and now if you're in any long-term relationship I'd say like over three years of that relationship completely can adjust the dial it's like sliding doors

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So the next time your group chat is getting heated, chill, we've got you. If you don't know. podcast. So the next time your group chat is getting heated, chill. We've got you. If you don't know. Listen on BBC Sounds. Brown girls do it too. Do you feel like exes in like culture, they're really like glorified? Like we talked about Maya's case of the ex, but also like Adele. Yeah.

And that's how she made like hits. Exactly. Because everyone can relate.break yeah and heartbreak is like i remember when i've had my heart broken and just been like i'm never gonna recover from this when i came out you can't breathe oh my god it's awful i remember going to my parents house after this like long-term relationship like my tail between my legs being like mom gonna come stay over and she was like what's wrong and i was like i was all around this over yeah and i remember just like crying to myself to sleep every night for weeks for weeks and then i had friends like zooming me like you know be like is everything

okay i was like no everything's not okay i was like how am i gonna get out of this hole like i've been that bad i've not had that kind of heartbreak and i've heard about this heartbreak a friend of mine was telling me her brother was going out with this girl. He broke her heart, cheated on him and he was like crying himself, crying every day for three weeks into his pillow. Do you know what I mean?

I think heartache, it's heartache. Like if you're like, I feel like this has, also I felt like a lot of like weird, like shame, like Indian shame around it, like a relationship failure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be like, I didn't succeed. I wasn't like A in this relationship. You don't get it. Relations also, we just don't understand the wasn't like A in this relationship you're going to get an A we just don't understand the concept of like every like

you talk about your parents I talk about my parents and your parents we talk about it like unhappy and that's normal should we be together and then our generation

is like I want to be happy and then actually that's an alien concept to our family it's like what do you mean happy it's not being selfish yeah you're being selfish it's like wait

are you marrying this person or am I going to be with this person? It's like the resentment. Yeah, intergenerational resentment. They don't understand it. My mom sort of gets it now, but she's like, marry a Bengali man, obviously. But it's like, they didn't understand it. Obviously, this is, I'm not saying every Asian woman of a certain age didn't.

No, no. Couldn't pick a partner. But it's definitely a thing in our community, isn't it? It is. It is. Because they're like, we did this for our family. Why't you do it it's the sacrificing theology yeah we just love a bit of that because i think there's going to be listeners here listening thinking you know i've been in heartbreak or i've just come out of a heartbreak a lot of people are yeah like as

somebody who's been through heartbreak i have like so much advice yeah so much advice because when you came out of your relationship poppy and you went straight into one and all i said to you was like yeah go and be by yourself because that is the thing that i loved the most that bit where i was like by myself having to look after myself had to rent a room in london by myself again do it all by myself i was like oh shit like i'm really good alone and i think when you're really good alone, that's when like people like you. Yeah. Oh,

look at her. She's like this amazing independent person. But like that moment of being alone. And I know, I know this is like a, like phrase that like Sex and City use or whatever, but it really helped me because it did help me to get over somebody by getting under many, many,

many men. to get over somebody, you have to get under someone. A hundred percent. I had like, I remember the first time I had sex after being with someone for five years. Five years, yeah, it's a long time. And then I went on, like, a couple of Tinder dates and they were all, like, a bit shit or whatever.

And then I was like, oh, maybe this is good. One of them just, like, kept snogging me and I was like, I really don't want to sleep with you. This is, like, great to know that I'm still wanted. And I was like, I need to have sex with somebody. But I had this, like, block where I was like, I just can't get to the next stage with anyone because I keep not wanting it. I keep being like, I had sex with the same person for so long. But then I remember we were at this club and there was literally the hottest French man you could meet in your entire life all of my friends were like that guy is super super hot and I was like yeah he's really hot he's really hot yeah I guess he's really hot yeah and then they were all

like I think he's looking over this way and I was like is he and then I was like I think he's looking at me and I was like this is fucking happening tonight. This is happening tonight. And it was just the coolest thing ever. Because we literally spoke to each other for five minutes. And then his friends came over and they were like, yeah, we are leaving. And he was like, oh, I'm going to go home with her.

Just like that. And I was like, oh my God. Frenchmen are so sexy. I was like, that is sick. And yeah, it's this French guy. And it literally blew my mind. And I kind of waited to feel like I was ready for it rather than just like sleeping with somebody.

Like snogs, dating, attention. You want that straight after a breakup. But to get that with sex, I was like, and it was just the most perfect one night stand of my life because he was like, I have to go to Toulouse tomorrow. And I was like, that's fine. Please, go. Go to Toulouse.

Bye. Bye. Thank you. Bye. How do you get over your exes then? just like that or the whole being alone thing well first I go I go on like this rampage

like where I'll be like we have to go out every day we have to drink I want to be around my friends the whole time so I'm not thinking about it but then that gets old and then you have to really sit with yourself and then I cry it out

or then I start thinking, why does nobody love me? I'm unlovable. Like, you start thinking those things and then you're like, I'm a bad bitch. I'm gonna fucking do this.

Phase three. Yeah, it's like a phase three. I'm a fucking bad bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you fall back

one more time like, I'm not a bad bitch. You're a little bit back. You're so deep. One regression. Yeah, and then you're like, no, no, no, I'm a bad bitch. I'm a bad bitch. So then you go back to it you do you so do one regression and then you're like no no no

I'm a bad bitch I'm a bad bitch so then you go back to it and then you kind of just stay there guys Josie you need to write a book you got the fucking

playbook yeah you do the playbook to go around I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy

I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy

I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy

I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy

I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy

I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy

I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy

I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'm too lazy I'll get a ghostwriter. No, get a ghostwriter. Listen to me and please write. But I think something you said as well. I think that we are entering an age, and you might disagree with me, but there seems to be a lot of this toxicity that just is so passable now. It is. Do you know what I mean? No, no, 100%.

I mean, I was in a really, like, I know I've said it a million times, loving, stable, healthy relationship with a man that really should be the man of my dreams. On paper, he's amazing. And sometimes I feel guilty. We get it. We understand. Did I say we were together for 10 years? I'm telling you, he completed me. I know. I fucking know.

Yeah, I know. Ladies and gentlemen, listeners of Brown Girls Do It Too, they know. Sorry. Must be nice. Nice for you. No, he's not even listening to the podcast. Listeners of Brown Girls do it too They know Sorry I'm not going to say it again Must be nice I'm not going to say it again Nice for you No no

He's not even listening to the podcast I did say like I'm going to talk about dating and stuff So he probably shouldn't listen So he's not listening But there is something to be said About like Our tolerance now

To toxic and unhealthy relationships Or am I just saying Do you think it's a high tolerance Or a low No high tolerance It's high tolerance As in people are more accepting Of being in shitty shady shady, sketchy relationships

or is that just me because I'm playing into a new relationship? No, I think it's like different phases. Like, you know, you go through phases where you do like allow like bad stuff to happen in relationships and then you go.

I know. I'm looking at my friends and then they're in fucking shady shit and then I'm in a shady, you know what I mean? I'm just like, is it all around me or is it just my friends?

Maybe it's just my friends. It's just your friends. You can't do a census of three people and be like you know what toxic relationships are all the rage is it how everyone does everybody's no but you're right it is phases because i was in toxic and now when i get like one little red flag i'm like nope i can't do it yeah but you get smarter right you get smarter like when you grow older you know the things that you want and the things that you'll put up with and the things that are red flags yeah you don't know that when

you're like 18 dating no no you know you're like great and then you and you also start knowing what what like things are wrong with you as well yeah like i'm starting to realize like okay maybe i might need some therapy like yeah yeah i'm like you know what i keep doing the same thing over and over i keep like sabotaging things that I didn't even want in the first place. Yeah, it's because I think I get in a relationship because it feels good in it. It's nice. Fuzzy and new. And then when I end up with them, I start thinking, like, I don't know if I want to be in this.

But then I'm like, but he's great on paper. Yes. And that's what I stick. He's great on paper. This will be good on paper. Oh, he has money. I'll be set. You know? Or like, oh, the the sex is good he finally made me orgasm you know like shit like that this is the thing that women often fight with the the guy who's good on paper i.e car house home career whatever check check check check certain tax bracket blah blah blah blah

but then when it comes to real life situations you can't go out with your mate why are you wearing those boots? Oh, you're calling your mum again? Or like all of that shit. But also, don't you think that good on paper stuff is like a little bit overrated? Like what's this idea that we need this person? Well, that our parents tell us. I feel like that's engraved in our head.

Yeah, it's true actually. I've never like got in a relationship with someone. But like, let's get real. Everyone has a good on paper. Like, I'm not being, I wouldn't consider a relationship with, God, I'm going to get fucking cancelled for saying this, but like a bartender, because I just, I wouldn't consider a relationship with god I'm going to get fucking cancelled saying this but like a bartender because our lifestyle

you just have sex with the bartender what if he was a bartender come right I think that's what's up so that's my next point there's tears to it let's be honest and this is something I've college bartender probably not you know what I mean

exactly I'm in with my ex-partner college bartender probably not you know what I mean but it's exactly cocktail I'm in absolutely Semenya a Michelin starred restaurant but it's true let's talk about

our paper like what you're willing like women of a certain age like guys do it all the time right they can go out with a waitress but she's hot it doesn't matter what she earns

women we don't we can't do that you're being like these things are important to me I can see that. I would not... Fuck a bartender.

Would I consider a long-term relationship with a bartender just a bartender? And that sounds awful. No, I'd be lying. Because you want somebody who's got ambition or you want...

Yeah, if he was a bartender and he was like writing poetry and he had this big play and I'd be like, well, fucking hell, babe, I'll probably have to support you for the next five years and screw that shit out.

So no. God, maybe you're right, actually, because I was just thinking... Of course I am. I know you. You're such an alpha personality. I was going to be like, I'll probably have to support you for the next five years and sort that shit out. So no. Oh God, maybe you're right, actually, because I was just thinking, of course I know, I know you, you're such an alpha personality. I was going to be like, I don't need someone good on paper

because I'm good on paper so I can support myself and then I'll support the person. No, no, the reality is not that. But actually, I think you're right. Maybe I would be a bit more. A hundred, yeah. Listen, I'm telling you,

post ex-partner, when you're just dating and you don't give a fuck and you don't want to see these people again, you would fuck anyone. And actually, that's your best self, right? They're like, I just

am a bartender. But what if you fell in love with a clown or something? Does he earn a lot of money? I promise you I'm not falling in love with a clown. I will promise you right now that I'm not falling in love with a clown. He's a really sexy clown. There is no sexy clown out there.

If he's paying his taxes, do we earn enough money to go on holiday? Can he pay the mortgage? Then yeah. You're right. Financial stability is actually something we still see. You're right. Like we're deluded into thinking,

oh my God, I'm not 22 anymore. No, exactly. We're not 22. We're entered the 30s. You're right. You're so right. Of course I'm right.

I'm right about everything. The reality, like I know someone who like, she's got this fuck buddy and they are amazing on like like, actually the opposite. On paper, not amazing, but in terms of emotion, sex, everything, but he doesn't earn as much. So it becomes a problem when they go on holiday. And she's like, I'll pay.

And he's like, machismo, machismo, macho, bullshit, blah, blah, blah. But it's like, in the beginning, fine, but for how long? The thing about comfort, then comfort starts coming in, in right because i feel like with men they start getting comfortable like they have mommy issues i feel like they're like i'm being taken care of you know and then i feel like that's where you have to draw the line like yeah you can help support somebody's dreams but like absolutely we're past that i feel like now yeah i think you should have figured out your dreams and let's see where you're at now. I guess the true equality is being able to support each other in some way.

I've been wondering recently whether really, truly equal relationships can happen in the same way where we're both equal at the same time. Because you're not. Sometimes I've got your back and sometimes you've got mine. It's the constant up and down, peaks and drops. They could be doing any job. Anything.

Well, she wouldn't fuck a clown. What would you not fuck? I promise you there's no sexy clown out there. There's no way. If any sexy clowns could email us, please email, please send me. Oh no, I would fuck a clown. What professions are not sexy? Clowns, what else you got? Clowns, I think.

Magicians? Yeah, no, but he could do some sexy shit in the bedroom yeah exactly that's do you know when you meet those girls

who are like I like him but I don't like his fashion sense but it's okay I can change that and I'm like I'm not one of those

you can't change that no you can't you can't change that you can't change the way they think aesthetically about things that's why I'm so critical you can buy them new clothes

but you cannot change the things that they see and they like do you like other girls project they like do you like a project or are either of you girls project girls like do you like a project on the stage

no I am a project myself I have no time for the project they're taking me to rehab they're taking me to rehab I have no time for projects that's what they're

figuring me out so this is interesting neither of us are into that so that's why when I put my relationship filter on I'm way more critical

I sound like a dick but I'm just fucking realistic i've had a divorce i've had two divorces really yeah i've been forced to be forced to be a grown-up at the age of like 19 20 so i'm just a bit more like if i'm having if i'm going if this is the ting then you need to be like otherwise i'm not no we're not this is not yeah I'm wasting your time and you're wasting my time my brother once told me this thing was like when you start seeing somebody and you think it might go

in the relationship way really early on if there's something about them you don't like just bring it up and it was actually really interesting advice because I like did it

I did it to my current partner you know I was like how soon did you bring it up so me and my current partner we were like we were like casual for like a year and then we like got together

and I was like, you know what? Yeah, I do actually like you. Oh, a year is fine. Yeah. And then like he smoked, I mean, I smoked as well, like cigarettes. And he then was like moving on to,

like he was on a vape and I was like, I just don't, I really don't like the vape. Yeah. And then my husband... Whilst you were smoking? Yeah, yeah, I know.

That's where the trish when she draws the line. Really, Poppy? You were going to the bartender fucking hell what's wrong with you why are you smoking a vape for you pussy

no because I just didn't smoke like in the day whereas he like loved his vape he was addicted to nicotine right and I remember

like stopping him because I was like this is getting into a relationship I'm actually genuinely starting to like you but I will not

start a life with somebody who's addicted to nicotine because you're an addict and if I want to have kids

with you I don't want to be smoking in the house I don't want that for my future and I was just like no I see something here and I'll take it there but I don't want that anymore Do you have any lines, any kind of going into a relationship other than don't be a fucking clown and also don't be a clown

Mannerisms like how they treat other people waiters and like even women I like chivalry as well I know that's kind of dying no I love it that well like opening a door

yeah just being a gentleman just being a gentleman I feel like that's fading away lately so I like it's not cool anymore apparently yeah it's not cool I love that

but drawing the line I guess like being like a being a mama's boy really does don't go out with any Asians yeah no the mama's boy thing is a lot.

You don't like that. Someone's close to his mom. No, it could be close. There's a line. No, no. You could be close to your mom. But I dated somebody where his mom went to the pundit or something. And this man is in his 30s.

And she was like, you're supposed to be wearing red this month. And this man comes home with red, ugly t-shirts, okay? And he's like, yeah, my mom got these for me, so I have to wear these because the pundits said this is good luck. And I'm like, what? In my head, I was like, written off. Written off. Red t-shirts. Yeah, like stuff like that.

Brown girls do it too. Yeah, like stuff like that. My name is Jyoti Kaye, and I'd like to thank my ex for teaching me what an orgasm is. So, yeah, because it's over for you little boys. That's all I got to say. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Yeah, that's one good thing I can say about him. Wow.

Great. Well, he gave you a fast orgasm. Yeah. What the damn? Why didn't you keep him? Because once she did it once, she was like, I can say about him. Wow. Great. Well, he gave you your first orgasm. Yeah. What happened to him? Why didn't you keep him? Because once she did it once, she was like, I can do this again. I can't. No, because I can't. Hold on to it, polyamory fucking dickhead. Because I can't

come from sex, I found out finally. And he was kind of like a nympho in a way. Hang on, you can't come from sex. No, it has to be from oral. Oh, okay. Yeah, and I didn't know that. Because when I would have sex, I'd just go do my thing with these magic fingers right here. And then he went down on me one time,

because I told him this, but he knew why I couldn't, because he was, you know, I don't know, he knew that. And I was like, oh my God. Like, this is what it feels like. Go forth and get more oral. Yeah, so now I'm like, it's over for you, man. So I won't throw him under the bus.

That was a good thing he did for me. But that's an amazing thing he did. He unleashed the thing. Shout out to your ex. Yeah, but that's all I got. And his amazing tongue. That thing? I think he was writing the alphabet with that thing.

Oh, God. Remember that scene in Cool Intentions where he's writing the alphabet on them Selma Blazer? Oh, yeah. Oh, is he really? Oh, wow. I thought I made this up. And then she's like, do you want a blowjob? them so I'm a blazer. Oh yeah. Oh is he really? Oh wow. And then she's like do you want a blowjob? Sorry I really love American accents

I wasn't mimicking you. It's okay we love your accents. A blowjob. Say arsehole. Arsehole. I would like to lick my arsehole. That was the previous episode. We've had so much fun with you. Thank you so much for coming. I would like you to lick my arsehole. That was the previous episode.

We've had so much fun with you. Thank you so much for coming. I feel like I've known you guys. And thank you for being so fucking candid. We try and get guests who are. It's hard to get brown women to come on and talk like this. The way you did. Oh, thank you. Of course.

I appreciate it. I appreciate shows like this because we need more like this because I feel like these conversations happen but undercover. Yeah. shows like this because we need more like this because I feel like these conversations happen but undercover. Yeah. So when we, like girls like us are outspoken, like people are like, oh wow,

other girls talk like this. You know what I mean? So we definitely need shows like this. So thank you for having me. Aw, great. No problem. That's all we've got time for.

I'm very interested to know what people think about their exes though. Yes, me too. And if you have any thoughts at all, email us browngirlsdoittoo

at bbc.co.uk. And please do subscribe to the podcast on BBC Sounds. Hi, I'm Poppy. And I'm Robina. Brown Girls Do It Too, Mama Told Me Not To Come is a live show inspired

by our award-winning BBC podcast. From October to November, we'll be bringing our trademark candour to cities across England. Tickets on sale now.