Brown Girls Do It Too - The Big D

Episode Date: February 28, 2025

How do you want to be remembered? Do you have a will ready? What kind of funeral do you want? Poppy and Rubina are unpacking death and why is it almost as taboo as sex to talk about? Poppy and Rubina both have very different experiences with death with Rubina growing up as a volunteer in the death community at Mosque whereas Poppy has only been to two funerals in her life however they both agree in that it needs to be spoken about more so here we are! Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail] you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Starz from the BBC World Service. Listen now by searching for Dear Daughter wherever you get your BBC podcasts. BBC Sounds Music Radio Podcasts Dearest Brown Girls, we are gathered here today to celebrate our sweet, sweet flower. Poppy was adored by many, loved by all, except that one person from school who still doesn't like her. Huh? Who did? Her life has left an indelible mark on all of our hearts, and we'll remember her fondly, especially when speaking too loud in public or swearing like a pirate. Oh, it's me!

Even from beyond the grave this podcast contains strong language and themes of an adult nature. The hot one does always die first. When was the last time you had sex? Because when brown girls get down the world tends to have a little something to say and we've got something to say right back. This is a podcast about sex. Why we can't stop thinking about it, talking about it, and doing it. Stop. Just doing it. And just doing it.

And just doing it. Brown Girls Do It. Brown Girls Do It 2. I'm Rabina, and when I die, I'd like my gravestone to say, she was the best-looking member of Brown Girls Do It 2. I'm Poppy, and when I die, I'd like my gravestone to say friend, sister and love to rim. I mean that's great. Do you want to get buried?

I don't want to get buried. Do you want to get buried? Oh my god we're Muslim we have to get buried. I know. You want to get cremated. If I die before my parents. Oh you're going to eat a Muslim funeral buried. If they die and then I die later. I'd like to be asht and set off in a firework

or something. Yeah. I don't think I want my body to go into the ground. Oh my God. I want all the worms and everything to eat me. I want, I'm all about that lion king life. Ash in the sea, ash in the sea. So I know for notes. You died before me. I don't know the channel. I guess the English. You're sending me to fucking Dover to sprinkle your ashes on the Dover channel. Surely there's a lake or a pond or something that's meaningful? No, not meaningful. Just throw my ashes into the wind. Sprinkle them everywhere. You know what would happen? I'd throw it and it would just go on my fucking face. Maybe I wouldn't mind being buried, but I just think it's a bit more of a faff than

just getting cremated. Oh my god, the idea of body burning. Oh, I don't like it at all. Really? But it's so B's so bodyward. I know, but I'm not Hindu. I'm very Muslim and I want but I'm going to get those coffins that decompose with my body. Oh, yeah, nice. I'm all about like I need to give back into the earth somehow. I don't want I don't like a fancy coffin. When you go to funerals. Do you all wear white? Yeah, we wear white. Yeah, we all wear white. Yeah. Well, Mike, so have you experienced a death in the family as in death in the extended family? Yes. Yeah. Lots of people

my family. It's a big family. Someone's dying or getting married every year. Really? Wow. Yeah. Well, someone's getting someone's always getting married in my family. The closest person to me that died was my granny. And I was 16 or or 17 and my cousin told me and I was in the bath and I started wailing and I was like sort of just like melted. I felt a lot of regret because my granny kept saying to me, why don't you come and visit me? Why don't you come and visit me? You never visit me. And then the hospital, I just didn't think she was going to die. She was 62 or 63. She had COPD, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. I thought she was going to live and my whole life, by the way, she'd been in intensive care. She'd been in and

out of hospital her whole life. She was like a very illit. She was housebound for a very long time. So I was like, it's just another, like, Thaddy's going to the hospital. She's going to come back again. And then when he told me, I just remember going like, and then I went to the funeral and I wore black and my mom told me, I just remember going like, and then I went to the funeral and I wore black and my mum told me off. I'd never been to a funeral. No one gave me notes. Yeah. And I hadn't seen that many. And also when you watch Bollywood film, they wear white because they're burning the bodies, a completely different religion. So I just, I didn't have any notes. I didn't know what to do. No one told me. But my granny's funeral

was the first funeral I experienced. And it was very overwhelming. It was in East London mosque. I saw her dead body. It was cold. It was limp. I haven't thought about it in so long. And the women, everyone's wailing, but I don't know if you've got this in your culture slash religion, your part of Islam. Apparently you're not meant to cry that loudly because if you cry really loud, you're not meant to because then you're showing, then you're showing Allah that you're really meant to because then you're showing Allah that you're really upset with his decision to take that person. So everyone is like crying and it's the first time I saw my dad cry. It's the first time I saw my youngest uncle who was like a massive rude boy cry. So it was a big moment for me. What about you?

Well, I grew up in a very close knitknit Muslim community in North London that has a funeral committee, a gusl committee. Wow. And so when anyone dies in the community, everyone gets together and volunteers at the funeral and they're on Saturday, you take a day off school and you go and help them. So I have been watching funerals since I could volunteer, which is about 10 or 11, and been to many, many funerals. And I think that has been so profound

in the way they look about death because all of us knew we were gonna die and you were everyone's funeral in the mosque. You know, whether it was like a 52 year old who had cancer or someone's like daddy, someone's nana, you know, like you just know, it's like a big extended family at mosque. But recently my uncle passed away and I was in the Canary Islands over Christmas. And it was Christmas

Eve and my mum called me to tell me that her brother had died. And she called my mobile and I didn't pick up. So she called my partner and he was like, is everything okay? Because he could hear that she was like crying. And then she just said, can you give it to Robina? And she was like, I didn't want to tell you this. I don't want to ruin your Christmas. And I was like, what has happened? And she was like, my brother's passed away really quickly, like within 10 days. And I just went, I couldn't make the funeral because it happens really quickly because we bury our dead in Muslim cultures very quickly. And then 40 days after the funeral, we have, we call it a charlismo. I don't know what you call it, but it's like a kind

of you grieve for the 40 days and then you all come back together as a family to kind of talk about it. And it was like so amazing to be at a funeral because I hadn't done it in so long. But when it's somebody that you know really well since you were born and you've got all of this shared memory with them and then you see their body that is like a lifeless body is God it's one way to know you're alive isn't it? Death in our community slap harder because my granny was such a part of my life. Yes, I stopped seeing her for a bit, but like you live with grannies often. Our grannies and our elderly relatives

are such a part of our lives. What you said about your death committee, what's the committee called? The Guzzle Committee. I don't know if I should say that, but it is what it's called. So they have a marriage committee. Like mosques are really interesting

kind of micro communities, right? They have like a marriage counseling, like a bit of of the mosque if your marriage is going through stuff. They have like a kind of how to help young kids become teenagers section. And then they have the funeral committee that help. But if my one of my parents was to die, I would call the Imam and they would organise everything. They would organise everything. So I think you've just given me an idea. Up until recently, I think you growing up with the Gussle community and my idea of death was so different.

Death is a part and parcel of life, right? And we should celebrate it and we should talk about it. And you being exposed to that at such a young age means when it happens, you know, I want to say God forbid because it does happen, but when it does happen, say it's an elderly relative, you're not completely overwhelmed by it. I was racked with grief. My daddy was, she was the son and we were the solar system.

In fact, when she passed away, the families, rifts, arguments, we didn't see each other as much. She was the hub. She was the absolute glue. She was like, she was Queen Bee. And it was really overwhelming. And then the mosque and the women are on this side and they're washing her body and the men are here and you can't go to this section. And there's just, you're so stimulated. And then we didn't have a death in the family again, extended family till my granddad in 2018. And I went to see him in the hospital. And again, there's something about seeing a granddad that you looked up to who was a big man and he's just so skinny and so frail and so tiny.

And it's about in that moment, I had to forgive him for all the things that he'd done and said to the, he wasn't, he was just a bit cruel to us, but all the things he'd done to his son, my dad, I had to forgive him in that moment. It's so interesting that you say that because in Mosque, what they do when somebody dies is they at the end of prayers on a Friday, they'll go up and say, so and so has died in this part of the country. And we ask everyone here to forgive them for any sins they've committed knowingly or unknowingly. I was growing up, I was like a really weird phrasing, but it's actually just like the

most incredible thing to collectively say like, we're asking for forgiveness on this person's behalf. Yeah, I really like mosque. I shit on mosque a lot. I wanted to talk about death because I woke up on the 1st of January 2025 and I felt my mortality. I felt I was closer to 50 than I was to 25. It's like, cause you were hung over at just a moment. Really good question. Yes, I was. But you know when you're like, this is my 40th year,

it feels like a milestone. It's always a milestone. It's a big one. 40, 50, 80, dead. They're all big milestones. Okay. And I- Milestones, gravestones.

Who's counting? Exactly. I had a show where we talked about death on Asian network and we had this solicitor on and he said, do you have a will? And I was like, of course I don't have a will. He's like, you need to write a will right now because you could die at any moment. And then the shit that's left with houses and things and you might not think that you have stuff, but you have stuff. Who's going to take that favorite quote? Who's going to take the book? Who's

going to take it? And so I'm actually writing a will right now and you're actually in it. Oh really? Yeah, you're what my, cause I have, I mean, you better hope that I have no kids cause otherwise I'm gonna get bumped bitch. But I- Do I get the white boots? You can have whatever you want, but this is it, right?

Like I'm writing a will and it's so weird. And I emailed it to myself cause I thought, cause if you have to pay 750 pounds, which I don't have right now, but I've written an email and I've sent it to myself because I thought, I have to pay 750 pounds, which I don't have right now, but I've written an email and I've sent it to my sister. So the point of this is writing this email felt so weird because it's like you're writing it as though you're not here and you're writing it as though,

you're writing it as like, I'm not here. And when you get over your own narcissism, oh my God, I'm not here. Who's gonna miss me? Who's gonna love me? Death is a very, it's a business. It's just very transactional. There's a lot of admin around death. I was at this speed dating event, like a work networking event

on this sheet of paper. It says the thing that's most surprising about me. So the person has to tell you what's most surprising about them. And this person said, I go to so many funerals are so boring and dull, but I've planned my whole funeral. So I'm, I'm going to plan my funeral when I'm alive. And'm gonna plan my funeral when I'm alive and I might have my funeral when I'm about a week away from death. What kind of funeral would you have? Well, it's something that,

cause he's like nearly 70. I mean, he looks 60, but he was, I was like, what? I said to him, I was like, what are the funerals like? He's like, they're so boring. So I said, what is your funeral gonna be like? And he said, it's gonna be fun. I want people to celebrate me. I want people to think about my life and my legacy and my work and what I meant to them. And that's it. And I

was like, I'm stealing your idea. Do you think that so obviously I grew up religious and Muslim funerals are the same because every single death is kind of treated the same. Yeah, they're like, it's almost like they're not really it's not about their personality. It's not about you know, who they affected their work, their kids, it's nothing to do with their personality. Muslim funerals are like, you came on this earth, you're done, and we will say goodbye to you, as if you are my auntie, or if you are my neighbor. It doesn't actually matter. And I always thought that that was so cold. Yes. And I had my partner's dad died in 2021. And I was pregnant and never got to meet the baby.

And I was there when he died. And his life ceremony was incredible. There was like speeches from like different members that he'd met across his career. One of his sons came and said something. It was just like, there was music. Like he got cremated to Miles Davis. And it was like this kind of amazing thing.

And it felt really powerful. And it gave us all the time to grief, to Miles Davis and it was like this kind of amazing thing. And it felt really powerful. And it gave us all the time to grieve and think about him. And I would say that my one gripe with Muslim funerals is that I hate the idea of my going to my mum's funeral and her just being another person. Yeah. I think, I don't know why I just got really emotional there when you said Miles Davis, but like, they're just really real tangible things. And I think the way us Muslims do funerals, my dada, because she was a woman, I was allowed in the woman's section. My other guy was not allowed in it. It was a very gendered. So then I got the feminist in me. I was like, no, no, no, come

back here. Your granddad is dying. Come back here. And do you get to go to the grave side? No, no, cover us done. Yeah. I really just like that. Do you not like that? Like basically the end of the funeral and like funeral, you know, like when you pray in Islam, I don't even know how you do it, but we say Salvat, you know, just like, you just repeat a prayer over and over and over again. So it's like really rhythmic, it's really hypnotic.

It's like, it's really emotional. And the men leave and they take the coffin with them. And then you're left with these crying women. Wailing women. And you're like, I can't go and see my parent in the ground. I'm really gonna struggle with that. When my granddad died, it was like a celebrity had died. I had never seen that.

There was like 700 people in the mosque. Wow. And it was like a line. You know when a celebrity, like imagine like a Miley Cyrus comes out of concert and you're all waiting in the line to be like, we were in a line. This is his grandchild. We were in a line waiting to see him

and touch him and say something to him with 700 people that we did not fucking know. And I was, you know, in that moment, I thank God I had that hospital moment when he was alive because that's when I had that moment with him. But I was like, I felt robbed. And you're so right. And I think that's my, that is my gripe

with I've only experienced two funerals, but it's like, you knew nothing about the person. You know, no one read that my daddy was this glue. You know, she was incredible, majestic. Everyone loved her. Everyone, you know. But is there something kind of sweet and incredible also about dying as just a human being that is part of a community rather than, rather than people trying to find all the reasons that you were amazing. It's just like, death is just another process. Yes.

Because the way that like bodies get washed and wrapped in the white cloth and my mom's already told me like, she's got a little box and she's like, I want to get buried with this, this and this and it's here. She's told you. She's told you. She told me everything. My mom told me that when I was like 10. She told me exactly where she's going to haunt me, what she's going to do. When she's like, when you look at the moon, if you see a half moon, just blink. And that's me. That's me on the half moon. Half moon comes every month. I'll be there every month, twice a month. Let me reenact death conversations in my household. I'm going to die if you don't get married. God will take me. Oh my God.

What has Allah given me this? I've taught like that's the fucking conversation. That's the, that's the conversations of death that I have. My dad. Oh my God. He's such a drama queen. If you don't read one of his letters, I'm going to die. I'll die. And I'm like, Oh, I'm going to die because I've got no one's going to help me because I'm going to die. And I'm like, this is so stupid. You're both so stupid. Stop being so dramatic. But I would say, have've never spoken to you about them dying then. Literally, the death is that is practical. I told you it's admin.

How do you want to be buried? What do you like? But but they're just going to have it. The mosque is going to take over. Yeah. I'm not going to have a moment with my dad. So actually, I would disagree with you and say, no, I think it. There does need to be some character. There does need to be something about that person and that woman, that man that died. I absolutely do not want that kind of funeral,

but I mean, I have no choice. Hi, I'm Namulanta Kombo, here to tell you that my podcast, Dear Daughter, is back. And this time I'm joined by an all-star lineup of guests, each with some sage life advice and a letter for their daughter. Every mother has a letter in her head for their daughter. So it's really nice that that's being expressed out loud.

That's Dear Daughter Stars from the BBC World Service. Listen now by searching for Dear Daughter wherever you get your BBC podcasts. Dear Daughter. Dear daughter, wherever you get your BBC podcasts. Dear daughter. So in my community, the way we practice Islam is that we don't really favor organ donation so much. I was so confused by this.

We love taking a kidney. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We love taking your lung. We'll take your fucking brain. We're selfish though, because we don't want to give back. I got really confused because my dad sent an email to like the family email and was like sending an email and he's like everyone I have signed up for the organ donor registration thinking oh that's so good. So I like said an email about being like oh good for you dad like donating and my brother emailed back and he said no as in he's opted out. I was like oh

that's really bad dad why did you have to have that? You have to up. That's ridiculous, dad. Why have you done that? And why have you told us all? Oh, wow. He just likes to tell us that innocuous things that are happening. Like sometimes in the family WhatsApp, he's just like, my car is getting serviced on Friday. Your dad sounds like a Facebook status from 2006. He doesn't need to status update us. Cute. Well, I, so if I died in say a car accident or something, I'm like, take this whole, take everything for research. Take it.

So my mum and dad, when they get a hollow version of me, I mean, God forbid if they do, but they're not going to be happy. Yeah. But I mean, this is the thing. I don't think I'm organized enough to know. So if I die, the mosque will take over and my parents will take over. Okay. But my next kin is my white partner. And I don't know if he knows that he's not going to have a say in what's going on. All my kids will be like, and that like, to be honest, that has really got me thinking about death more than anything. When you give life to something,

you start thinking about your death. Tell me about that. I just feel like when I look at my kids, I just think I can't die. I got to die when they're like 25, like minimum. Minimum, yeah. Minimum, because they're boys as well, so they're going to be a bit backwards as well. So maybe 35. 35 out of 10 years. 35.

At least. And when my eldest is 35, I will be old. You didn't know you could do the maths, could you? I can do the maths. I can do the maths. I'm like 76. Yeah, that's old. That's old.

But you look at your mum, your mum's 70 something and she looks great. My mum's 77 and she does look great, but she's very, she's always been talking to me about her death. That's incredible. She's one of 10 siblings. She's watched loads of them die. And when my uncle died recently, actually this is what I was going to say. He died. He had the Muslim funeral. Then 40 days later, we all gathered to like talk about him. And it was the sweetest thing. One of my other

uncles had written on his iPad, a little bit about his life to like say, and it was so weird because I've never been to a family funeral where anyone would even mention their like life, where they grew up, what was happening. And he made like a joke. It was just the wildest thing. And I'm from a really big family, where I'm like, we all really love each other. And there's so much love in that room. That's what grief is. Just us all being like, oh, we love each other so much.

And we need to celebrate that as well. I think that's the thing. I think muslims and virgins don't always celebrate someone's life. It's like, this is really sad and sad and let's pray for their soul and like pray for like our us. I have grown up with such a negative concept of death and dying and dying for someone you love and someone that you love dying. It's really warped my I've had to do a lot of unlearning myself.

It was like catastrophe, loss, destruction. How are you going to cope? This is... And I know death can feel that sometimes and it should, but there was no aftercare. There was no like holding each other's hands. It just feels like this thing where it's like clang bash, gone, dramatic act, end of final scene. And I think a lot of us, that's, and it's not just in the Muslim community or the South Asian community. We don't talk about death because it's this like, oh my God, don't talk about it. Oh my God, you don't want to die. You don't want to die. It's like, but we die, we age. And I think people, but people also find it difficult to talk about it because it brings

up the sad emotions and publicly being sad or like visiting a sad place in your head is quite a hard thing to do. Like I had a friend whose mom passed away when we were like 17 and I was at the funeral mom passed away when we were like 17. And I was at the funeral and whatever, and we're still friends. And I don't have the words to talk to her about it. I have no words. Because we've now had a decade without,

like 20 years without her mom. And I don't know how, I couldn't possibly understand how she feels. And I have no idea how to bring it up with her. But I also want her to know that I love her immensely. If she wanted to talk to me about it, she could, but also, fuck, that was like a big thing that happened when we were young.

We don't have the language of death. My dad said something the other day and I'm like, and I shut down, I was like, stop saying that, don't say that, I could die. And I'm like, it's the way he said it. And then the context is like, and it felt really real. I think he was talking about him dying in a car crash or something.

The way he described it, and I was sitting in the table, I was like, just stop, like, this is not how I wanna talk about death. And so it's done in a threat or it's done in a very kind of, you know, a threat or it's seen as very negative. My mum once said to me, like, when I die, you'll understand. Yeah, my mum says that all the time. And then I'm always like, but that's okay. I think that's also okay. Like there are so many things I won't understand until you're gone.

And it's something that's kind of, I'm going to have to learn that when you're not here. I'm going to have to figure that out without you. Yeah. I can't figure it out with you here. I, I, she also says you'll know when you're a mom. I know what she's talking about. Cause I'm a mom now and I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. You're fucking nuts. I think that I don't know what you're talking about. I think death is treated as this dirty secret and it's interesting, isn't it? Because we need life. Yeah. We celebrate life so much. You always, when I met you, you always say,

I'm going to die young. I'll die young. You know, you said that quite a lot. I have this weird... You're going to be 40 now, so you're not going to die that young. But I think it's because of the way my parents talk about it and the way their understanding of religion talks about death that I think it's quite warped. So I guess I wanted to talk about it in a way that like a lot of the things that we talk about, well, we normalise it and we do talk about death. Last year was the first time I was talking about death to my girlfriends.

Are you scared of dying? No. And this is the thing I wanted to talk to you about. If I died tomorrow, I would be happy. I'd die happy. The only thing I'd be sad about, the only thing I'd regret is I probably haven't got to where I needed to get to with my family, with my parents and my family. So honestly, I look around and I'm like, career by my metrics, quite happy. What I've achieved with you,

brown girls do it too. The way I am as a person, yeah, I could be less loud and interrupt less, sure. But like, I would die content. Yeah. I think I'm not scared about dying in the philosophical sense. Like if I die and there's nothing, like if I just die and it's like being asleep and like eternal blackness, I mean, I don't want to be conscious for that. Who knows what happens when you die? I wouldn't really like that. But I'm scared of dying before my kids grow up. Yeah, before your time, yeah. And I'm really scared of dying before my parents. That would really destroy them.

I'm not even sure how they would cope. And I remember when my dad had like a really serious fall a few years ago and we weren't actually talking and I came home and I was pregnant with my first child and I came home and I was like really emotional. And I was like, we have to speak, we can't go on like this. And he'd had this fall and my dad held my hand and he was like it's fine I've had a good life if I die my life's been good don't mourn me like that

don't feel sorry for me I thought that was really interesting because like I think a lot of people feel like they had a good life if you go you go and actually that attitude is really nice. I also think do you know why we also need to talk about death because it's what you said earlier it's like what we were saying, like when someone's on their deathbed literally dead, you forgive them. But actually by forcing, if you force yourselves to talk about death to each other, you can have those conversations about forgiveness whilst you're alive. Surely that person wanted to hear you say, I forget, like my granddad was not very

nice and it probably would have meant the world to him. And I'm sure people did when we knew he was passing away, you know, you have that moment, it's all very emotional, you're holding hands, you're saying, I'm going to forgive you, I'm going to forgive you. And I, and you know, we were talking about sacrifice in that first episode and that conversation with my mom. And I'm like, if I'm feeling my mortality at 40, she's going to be feeling her mortality. I can't waste this time anymore. Like we have to talk about death and maybe me thinking about death in a bit more of a positive way is forcing me to have these conversations with her

that I avoided, that I buried my head in the sand, that I wanted to just never ever, did you know what I mean? Yeah, like my uncle's funeral, he's like, he was in the seventies and out of the 10 siblings, there's five of them left and they're all in their seventies. And when I see them, I'm like, this could be the last time I see you. Like, I don't even know. It could be the last time I see any of you. And because the next time it could be one of you. And that is fucking terrifying. That is terrifying.

And we could go at any moment. Yeah. And like life is so like fragile. And I think that's yeah, I think like talking about death makes you realize that. But like, honestly, nothing makes you feel more alive than going to a funeral because you're like, I'm still here. There's stuff that I can do still. And that brings a lot of meaning to your life. You're always saving me from crossing when I cross the road with you. You're constantly like, and it's like, I could go at any moment and I really could.

But you're just like, nope. And it's something you said, it's like, nothing makes you feel more alive than going to a funeral. Nothing makes you feel more alive when you are talking about death. Look, I'm not saying we need to introduce it in the fucking curriculum when you're 10, but we all need to have... Just a committee man, line up. Get the volunteers out. Because you were like, I've been to two funerals.

I was like, I probably can't count the amount of funerals I've been to. Hundreds. And it's only because of the active unlearning that I've done that I'm here. Otherwise I'd be like, my mum's like using death as a threat. And I'm like, oh, here we go again. I got a voice note from a friend the other day. And she was telling me that she read this book, which was saying all the things that you could do to increase your lifespan. And like the three big things are like sleep, nutrition and exercise. You know, this is like the triptych of like extending your life. And now there's a lot of like life science coming out.

It's like super trendy. I don't want to live very long. No, I don't want to get too... Life's great and everything. I love living, but it's not that great. 85, 85. Honestly, I want to die at 85. 85, that's a bit old for me. Oh, I want to retire at 60. You don't want to die at 60? No, no, retire at 60. Then you have like 15 years, the first five years like travel, do fun stuff. Cruises. Cruises, yeah. The next five years I'll mourn the loss of my partner because he'll probably die around then. Then I'll do like a bit of shagging about in the old people's home. And then I want to like do so much shagging about that like that's just how I die. I would love

to die during sex. After your parents have gone. Wouldn't that be quite good? Yeah, after they've gone. Absolutely. There's two how I die. I would love to die during sex. After your parents have gone. Yeah, after they've gone. Absolutely. There's two versions of this. My kids aren't around, I know where they are. Yeah, you don't want your, well,

I mean, I could die from an iconic sex position because I have no kids and my parents are not around so I don't give a fuck. Yeah, but they don't need to know how you die. Who? My parents. No, like anyone. No, I want everyone to know how I died. You want everyone to know how I die. Yeah, you want everyone to know I don't like would you rather die from a sex position or going on the toilet, right?

It's one of those ones. You want to die from like an iconic sex position, but like it's a very rock star way to go Okay, we've been going on about death and I have one final question for you Which I feel is quite pertinent to know that you are of two boys. How will you talk about death with them? Regularly and honestly, I think those are the two things. I think regularly feels right because I had so much death growing up and actually I had like a big chunk without any death. That's why this recent funeral felt like quite shocking. So as much as possible and getting them really involved and thinking about life as well. And like, I don't know how religious I'm going to be raising them because I'm not going to teach them much about just Islam.

I'll teach them about all the religions. And I think it's really destabilizing as a young person to not think about death. Because if you don't think about where you're from or why we're all here or what's happening, you can get really like anxious and stressed out about all sorts of things, but nothing is more freeing than to be like, Oh, we're going to die. Everyone's going to die. And we're just like these little blips and that's okay. It's really freeing. Then you can't get stressed out about homework that's late or, you know, a relationship at work that's not going well or something. Cause you can

just really pull out a little bit and be like, you're just a speck man. I totally agree. And you enjoy and you're probably grateful for life a bit more, right? If you have those honest conversations, you probably should sign your two sons up to Gusul committee. Yeah. When's that going to happen? I actually, my mom has mentioned that I should take them to Quran class on Saturdays. It's happening.

My brother's been taking his kids. Whoa. So the pressure's on. Can I say something? You know, I love, I love to tee off a question. Can I say something that I'm going to tell you anyway? I have noticed something in you, like a change, since I met you in 2019, but certainly it's been ramped up in the last year or so that you have become like more spiritual, I guess, and more religious. Is that because you're a mum now,

or is that your mum's influence on your life in the way you raise your boys? Like, do you feel that? You talk about it a lot, so I'm just putting it out there. I think it's my Muslim friends who I'm in a WhatsApp group with. When I had the first baby, they were all just there and they regularly checked in and they regularly gave a shit in a way that some friends like, I have other friends that did, but my Muslim friends were like there. On it, they were on there. They were on it.

They were really there. And like when one of my sons went into hospital for something, they were all like, we're praying. I'm praying everything's fine. Like checking in on me. And the way that my Muslim friends like leave me voice notes as well. They're just like, I'm sure you're so busy and you probably have time for this. I just want to tell you I'm thinking about you like that kind of like love. And I realize it's because when you go to mosque every week for your whole childhood, every single person in that mosques thinks that you're related to them.

They do. And like things like mosques become someone's house because it's like carpeted and it's like, it just feels like you take off your shoes. It just feels like, it feels like home. And I haven't had that, like I haven't been to mosque. I haven't had that home feeling, but those, my Muslim friends always say that. They represent that. They've got a home. Mm. Which hole is a goal? Where do anal beads really go? Have you been faking orgasms your whole adult life? Accidentally called your boss daddy? Is your longtime love not going down south? For more than just the tip, we're here for you Yes, you. And you. And you.

And now it's time for the Shaggy Aunties! Please remember to ask the bill payers permission before calling us Shaggyney aunties are not medical professionals and bear no responsibility for the consequences of your own actions. Okay, here we go. Hi Shaggyney aunties. I need your advice on how to deal with my best friend not introducing her boyfriend and I

after eight to nine months of dating properly and maybe a year of them talking. I know it doesn't seem like a long relationship just yet but I'm confused as to whether she's still in the honeymoon phase or just doesn't want us to meet him. All my other friends have introduced me to their partners around this time and I feel like if they're important to you, it's good to get your friend's opinion, right? I know if it was the other way around, I'd want her to get to know my partner. What are your thoughts?

She's dating your ex. Or brother. Cousin? to know my partner. What are your thoughts? She's dating your ex. Or brother. Cousin? I mean, look, maybe she hasn't said the I love you word yet. I think when it's serious, that's when you introduce them to your mates, don't you? I mean, I don't obviously do that. I've had any old day that I've been having sex with. It's just like, come along. Why not? I found this guy yesterday. Yeah, but it's because I know it's not serious and that's why I'm like, but it's weird. I do the opposite.

If it wasn't serious, if it was serious, it would take ages, yeah. I'm gonna be blunt with this listener. It's also sort of not your business. When she's ready to tell you, she'll tell you and you're her best friend. And it's your duty as her best friend to be patient, to be kind, to worry, and then trash talk her to you are

the best friends. That's what we do. And maybe message your ex and be like, are you seeing my friend? I see you're sad that you're going to a chip shop. She hasn't introduced her boyfriend to her best friend because I think she's having doubts or questioning things or maybe wants to take it easy. She's going at her own pace. Yeah, maybe she's not sure about this guy and she doesn't want to introduce you and get your hopes invested in him or even start a relationship with him if she's not going to be with pace. Yeah, maybe she's not sure about this guy and she doesn't want to introduce you and get your hopes invested in him or even start a relationship with him if she's not going

to be with him. Exactly. Maybe listeners, she's in the honeymoon phase and they're just shagging all the time and they don't have time to call you and find out what you think of it. Yeah, I think they're probably just having a really, really lovely time. She doesn't want to share him, right? So she doesn't have to. When did you introduce your partner?

Oh, when you said the I love you word? Probably like a long time, like maybe, yeah, maybe like a year actually. It was a long time. Well, cause I was introducing him as some guy. As some guy you were banging. And then I remember going like, you know, he'd be on nights out and stuff.

I mean, I was just some guy. And then, yeah, I remember like going for a coffee with one of my really good friends and being like, this is my boyfriend, I think. Well, and that was a year. Yeah, okay. So I probably do things a bit differently because I'm not saying I need the validation of my friends at all.

It's me. But it is very important that my friends get along with him. Like if I was with a guy that I really liked and you were like, he is trash. I would find that very hard. I do that quite early on, but each to their own. Like you did it a year. No one has any rules. I might do it like four or five months in when I know it's serious. So it's like

you just got to give your friend space and speak to your friend. Yeah. Just ask her. How's it going? Are you happy? I'd be like, I'd love to meet him when you're ready. Yes. Open the door. There you go. Open the door. And if she wants to walk in, she'll walk in. She might shut the door on your face, but you never know. You never know unless you open the door. And on that note, thank you for always keeping the door open and your ears open to us. Thank you for listening to Brand Girls Do It Too. If you have any thoughts, questions or dilemmas for these shaggy aunties, they're very busy these days but they will take an email from you at brandgirlsdoittoo at bbc.co.uk.

Or you can send us a WhatsApp or a voice note on 07968 100 822. Bye. Round Girls Do It Too. Hi, I'm Namulanta Kombo, here to tell you that my podcast Dear Daughter is back. And this time, I'm joined by an all-star lineup of guests, each with some sage life advice and a letter for their daughter. Every mother has a letter in her head for their daughter. So it's really nice that that's being expressed out loud.

That's Dear Daughter's stars from the BBC World Service. Listen now by searching for Dear Daughter wherever you get your BBC podcasts. Dear Daughter.