Brown Girls Do It Too - What Is Compatibility? with Priya Ashra from Indian Matchmaking

Episode Date: May 26, 2023

Is love written? Do Poppy and Rubina believe in kismet? How does what you're looking for in a partner change as you get older? Priya Asha from Netflix's hit show Indian Matchmaking joins Poppy and Rubina to discuss all that and the importance of compatibility. Have a message for Poppy and Rubina? If you’re over 16, you can message the BGDIT team via WhatsApp for free on 07968100822. Or email us at [e-mail] episodes released every week. If you're in the UK, for more BBC podcasts listen on BBC Sounds: bbc.in/3UjecF5

BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. If this podcast was a wedding CV biodata, there's lots of boxes it would tick. Successful, hardworking, funny. And some boxes that might not please the matchmaking aunties. Like, uses lots of strong language and discusses themes of an adult nature. But as the infamous Auntie Seema says, we'd be a 70% match. This is Brown Girls Do It Too, a podcast about the sex lives of British Asian women.

The fantasies, the failures. And every F word in between. I'm Poppy, and the three things I look for in a partner are doll, slim, dim. I'm Rubina, and the three things I look for in a partner are a six-figure salary. But I've settled for a teacher. Today, we're delving into the world of matchmaking.

But put your phones down, because we're giving technology a rest for the moment and doing it IRL. Yes, shocking. We're joined this week by someone who did exactly that and reached out to the most famous Indian matchmaker in the world. You've probably seen her all over your TV screens recently.

It's Priya Asherar from Indian Matchmaking. Honestly, I'm like totally starstruck. This is so exciting. I'm starstruck. I was like hungover under a duvet eating my third delivery, being like, oh my God, what's Priya going to do? Bobby's talked so much. What's going on?

The dancing is nice. I know. They went on a dancing date. I have two left feet. And honestly, it was like, it was hard going on that date. They went on a dancing date. I have two left feet. And honestly, it was like, it was hard going on that date. They just threw me into it.

And I was like, oh, I don't want to do this. Yeah, producers. I mean, it's like amazing having you here, but I have one question.

What is Auntie Seema like? So Auntie's... Really like. Honestly, what I love about Seema Auntie is that what you see is what you get with her. Yeah.

And, you know, she does exactly what it says on the tin. Yeah, Ron Siltin. She's a Ron Siltin. I use that expression all the time. You would have obviously known that she's saying problematic shit. My friend sent me a three-minute podcast on WhatsApp saying how much she does not like Sima Aunty.

And we got into this discussion and I was like, but she's symptomatic of the aunties and the women and our culture right she holds a mirror to the values that we still uphold in our communities so I don't know if she should be the scapegoat but did you find her problematic do you know what I I think with Sima Antigua I always just keep it in mind that she's only coming from her place of experience yeah right and she's talking from her experience point where she's only coming from her place of experience. Yeah. Right. And she's talking from her experience point where she's had successful matches. So she can only use that as an anchor to how she match makes other potential clients.

Yeah. And I think you just have to take what she says with a bit of a pinch of salt. So I didn't take it too much to heart, to be honest with you. I just kind of rolled with it. And to be honest with you, to use a matchmaker was a completely new opportunity for me yeah right I've never done anything like this before because you're

a divorcee like me yeah I'm a divorcee right touch boo touch yeah and also like the dating algorithms have completely failed me yeah right what kind of does were you getting before auntie Seema oh I mean like the dates I was getting before. I think, you know, dating has been a bit of a journey for me because I never really dated, you know, your 20s are really formative. I never dated in my 20s. So coming to my 30s and dating, it was a completely different experience. And I think I really learned a lot about myself through dating, going through having a really bit of trial and error, to be honest with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of trial and error. Oh, Seema Aunty, though. She error to be honest with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of trial and error. So see my auntie though. She's like a fucking bad man. Yeah. I just really want to know what car she drives and whether she smokes

because in my head I'm like she smokes. She just smokes cigarettes that's what she does in the background. Oh no, she definitely doesn't. She's quite clean living. Do you think she does yoga?

Does she do yoga? No, I think she's just very... What does she do for fun? What do you think see my auntie does when she does a lot of packing? Have you seen that scene? Yeah. There's a scene, okay? she's just very... What does she do for fun? What do you think Sima Aunty does when she wants a little packing? Have you seen that scene? There's a scene, okay?

She's in a hotel in England, in London, and she's gone to a shop in India, in Delhi, and bought everything, and she's got all the little potions, leaves, teas, all the bits. You know when you come back from Bangladesh or India or Pakistan, you come back with bits?

She's got... They're making Indian tea in a hotel in London. Oh my God, my parents did that all the time. On holiday, they would like make Indian tea. And it's like your parents, like my parents

would always bring Tepla with them on holiday. Oh, I love Tepla. They'll make like a massive stack of them and take on holiday with them. Oh my God, that's so Indian, isn't it?

I love that. I love that. I know Simanti, so she brought, you know Mukhfas, you know the mouth fresheners she brought that for us so she actually makes it

homemade they're like it's like a chewy spicy Moks yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a bit like what you have inside pan

yeah yeah pan and it's like coloured and it's like minty and it destroys your teeth it's lovely it's like a mouth freshener I'm not sure it's much of a mouth freshener

and she like she hand makes all this she's like she handmade it she brought us some and honestly it was delicious oh really so that's what that was probably something else in her sleep maybe she just hates people with bad breath and she's like take this i mean you are like you are on a hit netflix show like indian matchmaking is huge like i don't watch reality tv but i watch indian matchmaking because like many many millions of

people are watching it including including the population of India. Yeah. Yeah. So that's kind of incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Breaking through. Now they've commissioned Jewish matchmaking. I saw that.

Yeah, because of the popularity of Indian matchmaking, I imagine. But like, do you get recognised? Well, what's it like? Yeah. I mean, last weekend, I was out in Leicester. We got recognised four times. Wow. And it was really, really bizarre.

Lots of well-wishers, to be honest with you. We even had one lady, it was like a drive-by. She came by next to us. Drive-by. And she was like, excuse me, are you Priya from Indian Matchmaking? And I was like, yeah. She goes, is that Vim? And I was like, yeah.

She was like, oh. Well, spoiler alert. So she hooked you up with Vim. She did. And you're still with Vim. We're still together. Yeah, we're still together. So what was the, like, what was the compatibility chart for you guys?

Like, what did Seema Aunty find in both of you that was working? Well, first of all, I wanted someone that was good looking. And Vim is very good looking. Does he have hair? I don't know what he looks like yet. He's got hair. I'm on episode four. Okay, oh my God.

He's got hair. He's got everywhere. Do you know, to be fair, he's hairless everywhere else. But the whole thing with hair is my thing with height. You just don't want a baldy. I don't want a baldy.

And she gave him, she did give you the, no, Bobby wasn't a baldy. No, the first guy she showed me was bald. And I was just a bit shocked. I was like, that was, that was one thing that I really wanted.

You have one job, Seema. You denied me that. So I did say no to that. Yeah, no, I rate you for that. Because I just wasn't happy. If I'm using a matchmaker, I want them to help, you know, meet my criteria. Yeah. Not give you the antithesis of what you want.

No. What was your criteria? Remind our listeners. So my criteria was i wanted someone that was emotionally mature yes uh because i don't know the dating scene you see meet lots of men who are just totally not there yet so yes a big part of it was that someone with youthful looking a nice smile a man bun uh someone that yeah a man bun she was very specific with the man bun you wanted a man bun I wanted someone with hair

and lots of it and Vim's got plenty he's even got a top knot amazing I know tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick

are you Sikh is he Sikh no he's not he's Gujarati he's Gujarati with a man bun I know good for him he was like a rare find

honestly because even before lockdown he had like short hair and then he decided to grow it during lockdown. I gotta be honest, if there are any men listening to this podcast,

grow your fucking hair. A man bun is so hot. Long hair on men is just generally hot. Always gets me. Because it's so rad. I don't know how I feel about long hair on men.

What, really? Oh, I love it. Oh my God, you would be competing. No, but you get to share your shampoo. My shampoo's fucking expensive. Are you not borrowing my shampoo? Listen, Vim shares my hair products now. And I'm a bit like...

Yes, that shit's expensive. Exactly. Get your own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cute and you can put your hands in each other's hair. So when did you... Oh my God, so when were you filming all this? Was it like last year?

This all started December 2021. And they filmed it over the course of like seven months. Okay. So they kind of came in and out for seven months. Right, right. Okay, okay, okay. So, yes, I went on a few dates. So Vim was my third date.

Okay. So by the third one, I was like, do you know what? I don't even. I had two bad dates. By the third one, I was like, do you know what? I'm just going to be myself now. No expectations. And I was so pleasantly surprised.

Yeah. Really pleasantly surprised. That's really nice with the first few dates were you uh very aware of your uh how you were coming across do you feel like you were yourself I do I feel I feel like I was myself okay the whole time it's hard to date on tv though surely because you're also like oh hey then the cameras are in the way it must be a bit like that you just would couldn't you you feel a little bit more self-conscious. But I think

at the same time, I was like, do you know what? I just went in, I was like, I'm just going to be myself. Yeah. That's the only thing you can be.

And I was going to be myself where they love it or you like it or you love it, whatever. It's fine. So that's why kind of the mentality

I went in with. And I felt like it was a genuine representation of me. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good. Well, that's really good.

Yeah. And you got green flags from him. So everything that was happening with him, you were like, yes. Yes. And also because the outcome was successful, I was a bit like, this is even better. Yeah. What is Auntie Seema's success rate, by the way? Does she give you the spiel?

Because they must have done it in series one, but I can't remember. Like, does she, out of her clients, is it like 50% she gets married off or 60% and stay married? I mean, the way she speaks, she sounds like she's matched up all of india yeah she's like them that was me she says things that are not quite pc but um she doesn't match make muslims she only does india hindus so that but yeah he's just no muslims in her really yeah there's like a fucking huge muslim population don't know or maybe it's not her area of expertise because the hindus have this kind of astrology yeah so she's like i don't know what the muslims in the moon she's like i

don't touch the moon i just do the stars you know we don't know i'm just suggesting it's a different expectation could you be the matchmaker i would be a sick matchmaker i mean i would smash that job i would be like you fucking nailed it you've actually fucking nailed it i would be the most anyone has seen auntie energy in this room it's fucking nailed it you've actually fucking nailed it I would be the most anyone has Seema anti-energy in this room it's fucking me yeah it's me you could totally do it

like a woke version of her but she does this comparatively to anti-Seema yeah because sometimes she says things and I'm like there's a home truth in that

right you know her 60-70 quote I've been talking to my friend about this and I'm like I don't think and this is a belief that I have you're never going to meet

a man with 100% of everything absolutely because that's called perfection and they'm like, I don't think, and this is a belief that I have, you're never going to meet a man with 100% of everything. Absolutely. Because that's called perfection and they don't exist. They don't exist. You don't want that either. You don't want that either. You think you do,

but you don't. Exactly. But if you can get 60, 70% of your most important qualities that are non-negotiable, okay, fuck it, I'll settle at 60. I'm in my 30s.

Yeah. Then you're winning in life. Yeah. So her big quote is, from series three, is like, if you can get 60, 70% match, it's okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? But I love it. I do agree with that though. Yeah, I agree with that. I don't think that you're ever going to find your 100% ever. I don't think you will.

Because your 100% is you. Yeah. Your 100% is like, you know, that's all the stuff. I often find that things that you think you want in somebody else

are things that you're lacking. Yeah. You know? And sometimes that can be really muddled because you're like you need to be like completely good with yourself before you can find someone because you're like I want something just this this and this actually no I want to do those things yeah and also I don't think I'm not I'm not 100 perfect so how can I expect yeah yeah exactly yeah I mean there are some nuggets that she has but also I'm probably sure she's already doing this she could write a book she's got she's got

she's got so many pearls of wisdom that I may or may not always agree with but really astute observations about indian society and the south asian diaspora whether it's america or london or just like a book of quotes or a book like a toilet yeah see my auntie can have a toilet book that's like fucking great idea good see my auntie oh my god that is such a good idea do you think Seema Aunty is good in bed oof no I don't know no

I feel like it'd be very efficient yes she's running an empire man that's a great answer she's running an empire yeah fucking Netflix is calling

for season 4, 5, 10 yeah yeah yeah oh my god I wonder what Seema Aunty's rate is per app like what's she asking for yeah man and there's no better bed

did you notice she was all like she's way more glammed up yeah yeah way she was all like she's got the glow up now oh yeah she looked amazing when you get money and a stylist it's like because before she was like i'm see my auntie from mumbai and now she's like i'm see my auntie from mumbai yeah you know what i mean she's got that sultry yeah she's got like swag um when i watched the first series i want to be honest with you both, like really did not make me like Asian men because more than the women, way more than the women, it made me really not like Asian guys. And it reminded me of the mollycoddling, the enabling, the mothering, the mother-in-law shit, all that toxic shit yeah i just saw out in the open and it was just like it was laid bare for me to see and i'm like we are still that's why it was so riveting for me to see what happens in the diaspora in india right because i was like we're still doing this shit yeah we're

still holding these men up and de-skilling them and mum's doing everything and washing his clothes and you know just doing the mother-in-law thing and she's got to be right by my fucking bosom and all this shit and i'm like oh i also really hate watch it was a problematic stuff in the first series that really got got to me where they're like um she's too tall because i'm quite tall yeah and also like the if she wasn't fair enough those things really got me because i was like oh my god what would she think of me what would she think of me like you must have been nervous when when you finally met her and she was like she's now talking about you to other men and like how is she talking about you I did I wasn't I was a little bit nervous but you know what I just think that she in the day she's gonna want a successful match so she's gonna try and talk you up a little bit

more so I kind of just trusted her to do do her best job to be honest with you yeah we can't expect people to change straight away right and she's she's she's only going by what her what she's seen yeah and her experience so we just have to let her do her job I also feel with like matchmaking I think a lot of people who don't come from cultures of matchmaking don't understand that that's something that like we do they often see it as a kind of not progressive way of meeting somebody and actually I think I probably had felt that way maybe like five years ago until I was like no it's it's a totally wonderful way for like people in your community yeah it's such an integral part of our community I wouldn't want to get rid of it and actually have like you I'm actively dating

it's a fucking cesspit on the cesspit in the fucking dating apps it's worse like somebody giving you time and being like okay I see you yeah I know what you want yeah I'm gonna go look for it for you that is like such dead like maybe I could help you like that maybe, I see you. I know what you want. I'm going to go look for it for you. That is like such, maybe I could help you like that. Maybe if I focused some of my energy and time into finding Poppy, somebody. She doesn't want to. And also, if you've not had a good success rate,

actually, using a matchmaker, they probably see parts of you that you don't even see yourself sometimes, right? So I think it's a really lovely part of our culture. And I think people get that wrong about arranged marriages. Just you're introduced to them you are not committed by a contract to stay with them I love that about I love the matchmaking I mean aunties at a wedding is like aunties on crack because they're like okay it's like one's a hinge one's a tinder one's a raya and it's like I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna beat you and it's like they're all like looking to

see who they can match. I love it. They also like, if they have like sets of siblings that are all like the same age, they're like, well, that person will go with that person, that person, you know,

they're already thinking like when they're young. And even like things like, oh, you know, you can have a wedding together. Like if you and your sister get married to the same person,

like same family, you know, wedding together. Two for one. Two for one. Two for one. Cheap. Cheap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she does read the charts, doesn't she? She does. She uses the old guru guy. She uses the face reader. The face reader.

Oh, that means she was one. The face reader. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She uses astrologers as well. I am the face reader. I know. So cool. I mean, I'm not sure how that works,

but I guess they somehow read faces. And they like to know when you were born and what day and what time, because all of that stuff means stuff. I've got a really good friend who, when she started seeing this guy, the first thing she said was like, right, do you have your birth chart?

She's like black. It's so funny. I don't believe in any of that stuff. People love that stuff. I kind of do too, secretly. I mean, I asked my mum, because when I was asked for my date time of birth, my mum didn't know. And I was like, cheers, mum i was like cheers you got my sister's we haven't got mine get the bastard to pick it out i

don't know exactly no idea oh my god that's hilarious do you message her do you talk to her well she she got her whatsapp yes i do oh i've got the amount of digits yeah oh my god she must be very pleased that you're uh you're one of her successes. I mean, I'm actually really interested in that because what is she foreseeing in couples? What kind of those things on paper that they're writing about you and what makes us compatible with somebody? Like sometimes, you know, when you go on a date with someone

and you're like instant chemistry, I feel it. What is that? Like, how do you define that? How do you define? I just think when you instantly want to know more about that person, I think that's always a really good sign the curiosity is growing exactly i want to know you're curious you want to know more about them you want to spend more time with them i think think for me that's that's a good way to kind of understand yourself and how you're

feeling about the situation because there's been so many situations where you've dated someone and you get so carried away with like just this instant chemistry without really questioning why am I feeling like this are you just really excited and this is just going to fall flat yeah but also I think there's a time and place for that actually when you when I was first single there was a time and place where I just wanted to be excited yeah all the time yeah and I just wanted butterflies and I wanted to be excited so for me at that time I guess it was it was fine but I think as I've kind of got older and I wanted to be excited so for me at that time I guess it was it was fine but I think as I've kind of got older and I wanted to find some get a bit more serious then actually my kind of requirements changed and I wanted I guess for me also that kind of that psychological safety

yeah where actually you meet someone and actually you're able to have those conversations with them and feel like you're not being judged it's the bit after the excitement isn't it it's the like what's left after that and it's like filling that void exactly because after a while you become it becomes really tired just trying to be this person that you're trying you want people to think of you just want to be yourself yeah right you just want some show in your pajamas with sometimes yeah yeah and it's like how many people can you do that with i guess i feel like when i first met my current partner it was like there was a few like red flags

at the start, like a few small ones. Like one was smoking. So he smoked at the top and then he'd like moved on to a vape during the top. So he was like

trying to give it up. But I was like, I just can't, I can't imagine a long life with somebody who smokes just because my dad smokes and I just really just don't want that

for like my kids and blah, blah, blah. And I brought it up with him really early. I was like, I feel like, I feel like we're like we're like it's getting somewhere and if that carries on I think that's a deal breaker he stopped yeah he

just stopped because he was like cool I get it like that's the thing and I've met you there but I feel like I don't know what my I don't know what my criteria are and I don't know what makes me come up but but for example me telling him something and him responding is super important to me like having somebody you can actually like effectively communicate with. Absolutely. Because that is like, you take that for granted. Because I see people in relationships sometimes, I'm like, you could just tell them that. Yeah, I know.

And having that open space and the honesty to be able to tell someone. Because sometimes people can't handle the honesty sometimes. Yeah. And that can be really tough. And sometimes, you know, as women, sometimes we come across as being the aggressive one because we're the ones if we know what we want and especially if we know what we want as well so I think that's really really important like a good communicator is like top on the list for me number one number one I have like a shallow thing to say do you think sometimes compatibility is because they look like each other don't you often don't you think you often find

people who are like relationships and you're like yes I can see't you think you often find people who are like, in relationships, and you're like, yes, I can see that you're married, but you could also be siblings. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you get that with some people. It's like some people

who look like they're dogs. Like, I kind of want to have sex with myself, that's why I'm having sex with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'd be well into that. I'd be well... You look like a narcissist in there.

This? Mate, it's on my Hinge profile if you can't handle a semi-radiate narcissist. It's on my Hinge profile if you can't handle a semi-radiant narcissist. Poppy masturbates while looking in the mirror. Hold on. Are you the kind of person that has a picture of yourself as a background of your phone?

No, no, no. I made you judge people. No, it's the moon. It's the real moon. I went to a stargazing observatory and it was the real moon. The next step is you. No, no, no. You dominating the moon. Me riding real moon. I went to a stargazing observatory and it was the real moon. The next step is you. No, no, no.

You dominating the moon. Me riding the moon. You're mine, bitch. No, I'm like, not that level of, I don't have a shrine to myself, but like I'll just, you know, catch myself in every reflection.

Click your hair while you do it. Oh, you again. That level. Fancy you here. You again. Shall we go? I actually, because I'm dating all the wrong kinds of men because I want to, because I'm not, I don't want to be in a relationship.

I've got a little list. I've got this orange little book. And in the back of this book, I've got qualities that are going to be non-negotiable that i look for in a man that's okay yeah and i i don't have it with me and i realize that's a very evolved version yeah yeah and it's like because because i've in i'm 37 what's on the list sorry oh wow okay um from memory the first one qualities that are like non-negotiable for the person for the person i want to be in there because i because i i've always known myself i've always known what i will never like that's not changed okay but going out with so many different men and so many different types of personalities you're like oh a bit like you're smoking it's a bit similar like that quality is

not going to fly and that needs to happen that needs to be so i've got things like woke adjacent he needs to be quite woke all right like politically not necessarily with my views but he needs to be aware of like current affairs um and woke adjacent so like um up to date aware self-awareness as well yeah and self-aware absolutely yeah yeah and then i wrote confident and then I put a question mark in confident because confidence doesn't necessarily mean I need a secure I need a man yeah who knows himself her partner I mean when we were touring like he is someone who absolutely knows himself my ex-partner like comfortable in his own skin will not live in the shadows of anyone else much like your partner like will like they have to have their own hobbies.

They have to have their own. But also, that's a really interesting point about compatibility as well, because I am very loud and lots of energy and my partner's super chill. He's super chill. So chill. And I think, you know, everyone says those two things work together.

I think so. I think you need a yin and a yang. Oh, definitely. Because I went out, last year I went out with a version of me and we combusted. Yeah. We fucking blew up like an atomic bomb.

I think you have to compliment each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my ex-partner of 10 years, you know, good innings. Yeah. Like we absolutely, he was very much quiet, introverted, confident. The list, if you read it, I'll bring it. It sounds like a 16-year-old girl writing it. But it's like tall, tall, tall.

And then in brackets, I wrote wrote if they're really good looking so tall no good looking very good looking and then in brackets i wrote if they're too good looking you might be hoodwinked i i i could and that's what happened with the guy last year like i was so in in his charms right spell i didn't see everything else right okay and then i wrote tall tall tall big dick um no actually i didn't write big dick but that now is going on and then I wrote comfortable income I wrote comfortable income

I wrote and as you get older to have a lifestyle that you want to live absolutely because I think it's important we don't talk about this I'm not being snobby

no but I'm not like he needs to earn a certain amount agreed ambitious yeah I wrote

he needs to have a very interesting group of friends I don't even need to like the friends but he needs to have an interesting group of friends but then I wrote it needs to have a very interesting group of friends I don't even need to like the friends but he needs to have an interesting group of friends

but then I wrote immediately under that has to love my friends and family and then I wrote could be from a dysfunctional family question mark

because my family is so dysfunctional I would rather him come from a functional family but then in brackets I wrote he could be half fucked up but not as fucked up as me

but there's a whole list but these are qualities that I'm really... But then there are some things I would, in that 60-70 ratio that Auntie Seymour goes on about, there are some things I'd have to fucking... The lifestyle thing's kind of interesting. Talk to me more about that, because you kind of, you know, you think that's important as well, right?

I think it's important. I think, for example, I think they're really incompatibility. I think there's a balance in having your emotional needs met and your practical needs met right because actually as you get older you know sometimes it's love enough right there's a certain element where you have to there's a practical need like do they want the same lifestyle as you for example do they aspire to still go and you know have aspire to have nice things and go on holidays so there is a balance of that and you know for

example are they family orientated like are they the type of I could I could I could really really really really love someone but for example if they don't want to really mingle with my family or get to know my family that's gonna that doesn't fit the lifestyle that I want yeah in my list I put has to be willing to fake convert that's on my because my idea is willing to yeah that's a that's a new one i wish i i've got this entire like it's like i think like three pages one thing with that converting thing is i always had on my list they have to be like agnostic they can't be an atheist because i come from a religious family and if they are an atheist that's gonna cause lots of problems but if they're

like i don't really care you do what you do I don't mind fine I think as long as they're willing to take upon your culture it's really important oh yeah yeah yeah I wrote Asian aware they have to be Asian aware

they have to like know all of this this mess and the family thing is really important too it is massively important on my like

fifth date I think with my current partner I was like do you want kids is that something that's in your life because I don't want to waste my time

with anyone who wasn't even like thinking about that and I also think it's important like you know maybe not the first date you don't want to waste my time with anyone who wasn't even like thinking about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I also think it's important, like, you know, maybe not the first date, you don't want to scare them off,

but like, for example, if you can see it's going a certain way, I think it's okay to ask those questions. It's totally okay. What do you want? Because what then? You're the girl that's trapped in the seven-year relationship with somebody.

You're 38. You don't want to commit. And he's like, oh, I don't want kids. Or I'm not always ready for that. Like, when were you going to be ready? No, and there will be someone out there that is compatible with that.

And there's no point in wasting your time I want to come back to the money thing because I think whenever I talk about it people are like not necessarily to me but it can come across

materialistic and shallow and it's like no honey you're a 20 something in your 20s you will date anyone and everyone and live on the fucking edge

but when you're old and I've seen it in relationships and especially with men who earn less than women they feel emasculated I know a friend who she earns more than the guy

and she wants to do she wants to do stuff not even nice stuff but just stuff and he just feels like he can't because money and and it's like it's a constant it's just sharring yeah and it's like whether or not the person earns 50 times more than you is not the point i'm making like i as a 30 something year old woman I'm not going to make a long time relationship work with a bartender that's just not going to happen yeah and it's like that is the reality of my life like I am not going to support you no I want to be able to do things and not just like nice things holidays I have I have to sustain a life of course and if you can't share that with me then that's cool but it's just not gonna work but that isn't to say they need to be earning 100k I've actually not been money for me

ambition is way sexier than money I think they have to aspire they have to aspire if they're on their way there I think that's enough yeah yeah yeah I think absolutely absolutely so that's pretty important so do you believe in kismet and And destiny? In destiny? I think there's always a timing. I think people's timings have to align. If you want to call that destiny, then yes. I agree with you. When I was young, I so believed in that shit. Destiny, kismet, you know, because it's part of the face.

But now I genuinely think it's timing. It's timing. But what's the difference between timing and destiny? No, destiny is when it's written. I don't think it's written. But also, I feel like you have to seek these opportunities as well like for example you can't expect someone if you really want to meet a partner and you're sitting at home doing nothing you can't expect the partner into your lap yeah yeah unless you're on dating apps

maybe but um but you have to actively you have to actively date and also you have to actively put yourself out there you've got to put yourself out there and also you have to go in with an open heart yeah as well and also kind of understand that there might be an element of rejection there and be okay with that rejection don't take it too personally so many women oh my god it's so much i know it's like i remember the beginning i used to feel really like he rejected me what did i do i thought i was the best version of myself but no no no it's not us honey it's a problem it's not a me problem but i think but i did you date in your 20s are you dating for the first time

in your 30s? I dated for the first time in my 30s. Okay, so I'm dating too. We have to be okay with rejection. Yeah, we have to. And not everything is our fault. And sometimes it is our fault. Who cares?

If somebody doesn't fancy you or doesn't like you, somebody else will. There's always this thing where you feel like the moment that you're on a date, that person represents what you should feel about yourself.

That's crazy. Do you believe in Kismet? Men should not be a reflection of yourself. No, no, no. Absolutely no. Do I what? Do you believe in Kismet?

Do you believe in destiny? I think I kind of do. I actually kind of do because it's something my mum used to say to me growing up. She's always like, what will be, will be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And to be honest, I think that gave me a lot of solid foundation to be like, cool. Whatever's meant to happen is going to happen to me. I do believe in that.

I mean, I believe in that variation, what will be, what will be, but the whole like, things happen for a reason, I'm sort of, I don't know,

I spent 10 years with an atheist, so he's fucking got that all religious acting at me. I feel like it's in that same wheelhouse of just believing that there's a higher power at play. And the reason I believe that there is a higher power at play,

God, I've really gone religious this last two episodes. I know. But the reason I believe there is a higher power at play. And the reason I believe that there is a higher power at play, God, I've really gone religious these last two episodes. Yeah, I know. But the reason I believe there is a higher power at play is I just feel like I am a massive lover of nature

and the moon and the sun and whatever. When I see the moon, I make everyone stop. I would love the moon if I was riding it. I make everyone stop and look up at the moon

because I'm like, there is so much cool shit happening around us all the time that is not human-led. There is shit going on yeah and whatever nature is if that's the if that's my religion i'm that but i think there's some more stuff going on and i love the idea that we're all intrinsically linked to the trees timing is everything like you came to our show and you didn't know and you were listening to the podcast and like you know a year later you're here you've done the individual you're here and it's just like,

it's time. Oh yeah, wait, hang on a second, didn't you manifest being here? Can we talk about this? I'm sorry, that's Christmas.

Honestly, let me tell you, I literally, I found your podcast and I was like, when Indian Matchmaking went live, I was like, I'm going to manifest this.

Did you hear the podcast before you went on the show? Yes. Of course you did. Me and Vim even talked about it on our third date. What? Vim, Vim is talked about it on our third date. What? Vim is a big,

he loves the podcast. He was like, have you heard this podcast? Brown Girls do it too. Oh, he's our fucking keeper if he's listening to the podcast. That is so cool. And so you, in your head,

thought I'm going to be a guest on Brown Girls. I'm going to be the guest on the show. I love these girls. I love their energy. I love that they're so open and honest. And just, you girls are just so damn relatable. I'm literally, I'm like grin be in the guest in the show. I love these girls. I love their energy. I love that they're so open and honest.

And just, you girls are just so damn relatable. I literally, I'm like grinning from ear to ear. Honestly, my girls were so excited that was coming on here. Oh my God. Actually, some of my girls didn't know about the podcast. I said, look girls. Oh, they will now. Let's go on this show.

You're going to absolutely love it. And they were like, literally, we just all loved it. I'm sorry guys, the universe has brought us together. This is what I'm saying. Sometimes you've just got to trust the process. Yeah, like, literally, we just all loved it. I'm sorry guys, the universe has brought us together. This is what I'm saying. Sometimes you've just got to trust the process. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's certain people

that you will radiate more towards. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just went by that. Yeah. Thanks for having me, girl. Oh my God, we've loved having you. What a great episode.

I know. I'm honestly, thank you so much. It really means a lot. No, no, no. You girls are doing really great things, honestly. It's like a weird 180.

I know, what's going on? What's going on? Auntie Seema's helped you, you've helped us, you're here. So, actually, somehow,

Seema Auntie's helped us. It's like she's been here. This is kismet. This is kismet. And now, it's time for Shagging the Aunties. You always do that.

With aunties. Shagging the Auntie, You always do that. Where's aunties? Shaggy Auntie. Yeah. Well, no, I don't think it is. Anyway. You've reached the Shaggy Auntie's call center. Want advice you can't ask your real aunties for? Like, how do you ask for what you want in bed?

Not sure which hole is a goal? Where do anal beads really go? Have you bed? Not sure which hole is a goal? Where do anal beads really go? Have you been faking orgasms your whole adult life? Accidentally called your boss daddy? Is your long-time love not going down south? For more than just the tip, we're here for you. Yes, you.

And you. And you. Let's hear this week's question. I've been on a few dates from the apps, but nothing seems to be working out for me. How do I get over my fear of rejection? Oh, we were just talking to Priya about rejection. You don't. You feel the fear.

You feel the fear. Sit in the fear. Sit in the fear. Bathe in the fear. Embrace the fear. Feeling shit about yourself is actually not that bad. Like, I know we're in like this like big positive moment, but feeling a bit bad about yourself is like, it's okay to feel like that sometimes. Everyone does.

To this listener, I would say you don't get over your fear. Just embrace it and love it. Because if you're on dating apps, part and parcel of being on dating apps is you're going to get rejected all the time. You need to have thick lizard skin and you start growing it now. Or maybe just start rejecting people before they have a chance to reject you. Not exactly healthy, but sure. Yeah, I mean try out try out but uh no you you do have to have very tough thick skin to to date and so it's it's just people are going to reject you and that's fine and you're going to reject people yeah right and it'd be weird if every date you went on every guy was

like yeah this is just boring exactly beyonce wouldn't get like if she was on dating apps not every guy would love her. Controversial thing to say. I think Beyonce's probably quite bored. Boring? Bored. What do you mean bored? Because everyone likes her.

No. Beyonce's never getting anyone to be like, I need to get on a date. No, no, no, no. If you're going out on a date with Beyonce or Rihanna, you'd have way more fun with Rihanna than Beyonce. Agreed. Exactly. What do you think Beyonce's chat is?

She's like, I'm going on tour again and I'm amazing. No, no, no. I think Beyonce just says things like, speak to my PA. She on tour again and I'm amazing. No, no, no. I think Beyonce just says things like, speak my PA. She did this one funny video where she was doing like a joke. She was doing like, what food does Snoop Dogg eat? And then her daughter comes in the back and is like, Mom, don't do that. Don't do that.

So I think she's actually quite boring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think she's not. I don't know what her personality is like, but I don't think she's... Dead behind the eyes and maybe a lizard. Okay. Yeah, sure. Cool.

So embrace the rejection. It's going to happen. and then once you've embraced it you will go forth and fuck if you have any thoughts questions or dilemmas for the shaggy aunties you can email us at brown girls do it too at bbc.co.uk or you can send us a whatsapp or voice note to 0796810822 oh my god we're in sync there back girls do it too whether you're feeling the baseline or getting ready for bedtime feeling full of attitude or embracing gratitude when you want to turn up the loudspeakers.

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