BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 10 - You Damn Dancing Ape!

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

Episode TEN! Double figures! We discuss the Planet of the Apes, emails, long haul flights, engineering only jokes and lots of silly stuff. Get in touch at [e-mail] or @thebudpod on Twitter and don't forget to subscribe and rate us on iTunes or your podcast app of choice! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello hello everyone welcome back welcome back welcome back philip wang hi thank you for welcoming me back to your country united kingdom of england and scotland and wales and and northern ireland did you find when people say i'm british they are excluding northern ireland um they they are excluding northern ireland And the other little islands. They're excluding Northern Ireland only geographically. Well, no, because there's Great Britain. And then, much to the Republic of Islands disgust, the British Isles is generally the name given to the whole jumble.

Oh, I see, I see. But, okay, fair enough. I see. But okay. Okay. Fair enough. And people like your friend and mine, academic, comedian, writer, book reviewer, John Gallagher. Good old Johnny John. Hello, John. He's always furious whenever some British publication goes, you know, the British Isles

and does a big circle around Ireland. It brings out his inner Sinn Féin rebel guy. These rebellious Celts. Okay, well anyway, it's nice to be back here in the British Isles. Did you

give the white cliffs of Dover a little lick as you flew over them? Made them just a little bit whiter. Just a little lick. That makes it sound. Made them just a little bit whiter. Just a little lick. That makes it sound like I jizzed on them, but I'm a patriot. Anyone who doesn't jizz on the White Cliffs of Dover, get out of here. That's going to be the new test.

Yeah, it's nice to be back. I got off my plane from Australia at 6 a.m. yesterday. And then I had to stay awake because I had a corporate gig for some civil engineers last night at half nine in the night time. And I thought about it and because I didn't wake up like as we landed, I woke up four hours before we landed. So I woke up at 2am yesterday and had a corporate gig for 500 rather disinterested civil engineers. Were they disinterested?

It's always hard to tell at those shows, because everyone's at a big table and the host goes, and now well, we're going to lift your spirits with a rather interesting turn. This man is a comedian, and no one is interested. He tells ribald sentences.

They're a bit interested because I was introduced as an ex-engineer. Yes, I was going to say these, if listeners are unaware, these are your people. Yeah, in a sense they are. And civil engineers are, this is the second event I've done for civil engineers. And they are really good people because they are engineers who are doing work that genuinely helps society. They build sewage systems and bridges and government projects, and usually for little profit. Especially compared to a chemical engineer who'll just go to bp and become rich yeah civil engineers seem to be really sort of scorned even though

we need the road i called them the nhs of engineering that's really what they're like they must have liked that they did they're right for that i told a bunch of like engineering only jokes i wrote a couple before i went in i saved a couple from when i did Scotland. What was one of them? One that didn't get anything, which I thought would, was it's nice to perform in front of engineers.

It's nice to have a comedy audience who appreciate structure. Didn't like it. They didn't give a shit. That's great. What did they like? I'm up here doing 10 minutes. I'm scheduled to do 10 minutes.

So in keeping with most civil engineering projects, we can expect to be done around 2035. They like that. They understood that. But it's one of these big cavernous banquet halls. Sure. Where they go, you know what would really make it intimate and fun?

A thousand foot high ceiling. And like 20 meters between you and the first person. And so they would laugh at something. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And then it was like the room had never heard laughter in millennia. So you were doing a gig. heard laughter in millennia. So you were doing a gig essentially

in that giant cavernous feasting hall in Lord of the Rings where the green ghost king is. Just a single sort of empty throne and sort of feasting tables thick with cobwebs. The room has known laughter in the

past, but it has been many centuries since the trickle of mirth have touched these walls. The tip of your microphone started to glow blue as you walked through. Oh, no. Goblin. Your next act is a goblin. As I'm sure you can see, the microphone has ruined the surprise. Mithril microphone.

No, it's not mithril that glows in Lord of the Rings, is it? Maybe it is. No, it's just elvish steel. Elvish, because it's called needle, isn't it? In the Hobbit or... No, that's Arya's sword in Lord of the Rings. I think you must have nicked it. Oh, really?

Oh, maybe it is called needle. Yeah, they give him some little sword. Or is it not like prickle or pricka or something? Pricka, maybe it's pricka? I feel like it's something like pricka. It's all much of a muchness. I don't think it's needle. I don't think Game of Thrones would just take that word for like... Yeah.

What is... is Frodo back into... answering the big questions here on Budpod. You came here for stories about plops and now you're hearing about mithril. It's called sting. Sting, not needle. I was thinking about gum of thrones. Sting. And then his other weapons are called the police.

Thank you. Every ring you take. Every ring you take. Every ring you make. Every ring. My, my, my, you dance beautifully for a gorilla. How was your plane journey? I want to hear the movies you watched. Okay.

So my plane journey, well, I timed it bang on. So I got on a plane around 3 p.mpm in Sydney to stop over at Singapore around 11. And then I get on another plane there and then get to London for about 6am. So I thought, okay,

stay awake up to Singapore watching films. It's just a normal day. Films. Films. Yeah. That's what film in Malay is film.

Is it? But that's in like, isn't it Ireland as well? It's Irish yeah The Irish accent also say film So it's weird The second time in my life I heard film being called film

After Malaysia Was from Irish people Pretty strange Anyway So then get on the plane To Singapore And then I sleep all the way through Yeah

And wake up And I just got a very long day in London Nice And that's basically how it worked out So up to Singapore, I watched. I watched. Can you ever forgive me? Yeah, I can.

What did you watch? Oh, son of a... Jokes! That was terrible. I'm going to kill myself right after this. This is the last but not everyone. I quit. Right.

Can you ever forgive me? That was good. It was good. It's good. It's what that... What's the guy who got all excited for being nominated for an Oscar? Richard Gere. No.

No, Richard... E. Grant. Richard E. Grant. I'm just getting confused. The thinking man's Richard Gere. That's right. Richard E. Grant, of course. A Swazi.

He's a fellow white African like me. Oh. That boy from Swaziland. Where that boy from. I always think of Swazi... Actually, I shouldn't say Swaziland. Now that boy from. I always think of Swazi. Actually, I shouldn't say Swaziland. Now it's called Mswati or something like that. They've changed it because everyone kept thinking it was Switzerland.

Really? Yeah, genuinely. And also, I guess, like, Swaziland is like a colonial. Swazi sounds so Nazi to me because it's got, like, the S from SS and an Azi in it. Every time I hear Swazi, I'm like, where? That's the level above Nazi. Yeah, super Nazi. He was a Swazi.

Super wicked Nazi. The Swazis. They're so tense. These Nazis are super wicked. That's some Bostonian who really likes Nazis. So you watched that. You watched that. Was it good? It was good.

Okay. It was very good. And then I watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which I thought was supposed to be really good. I get confused because they keep putting noun verbs in front of the phrase Planet of the Apes. Yeah, so this is part of the latest trilogy

that rebooted the classic or whatever. So it starts... Now this confuses me. So I nearly watched the second movie by accident. So the real order is it starts

Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Right. Then confusingly Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. It's risen, now it's dawning. And then War of the Planet of the Apes. Right. risen, now it's dawning. And then War of the Planet of the Apes. Right.

Fair enough, the third one. But the distinction between rise and dawn, like, so I went, oh, dawn, that's the first, it must be the first film, because it's the dawn, and then the sun rises. Yeah, dawn, the sun appears. Yeah. Sun rises for the whole damn day. It dawns upon you. Yeah.

That's the first you've heard of something, is when it dawns upon you. Yeah, That's the first you've heard of something is when it dawns upon you. Yeah, you don't say, it dawned upon me my wife. You say, it dawned upon me my wife was having an affair. You don't say, it rose upon me that my wife was having an affair and then it dawned.

It's not like my wife left me and then it dawned upon me that she was leaving me. Was it a pile of poo-poo then? Was this the one where they're all in the lab and it's the creation of the apes, the smart apes? Yeah, it's the creation of the apes, the smart apes? Yeah, it's the creation of the smart apes with an Alzheimer's drug that is inexplicably made by scientist James Franco, who comes across as the dumbest man in the world.

They don't even bother showing him in the lab or writing down chemical equations. They don't even bother showing him in the lab or writing down chemical equations. Yeah. He's just like, oh, my Alzheimer's medicine will fix my dad. And also, I really care about these apes, maybe, but I'm okay with using them as a test subject. He's like a fucking fuckboy who comes up with an Alzheimer's medication, which is called 1-1-2. So presumably he's come up with 111 on his own different Alzheimer's medications. There are a lot of forgetful monkeys out there. But it's just so unbelievable he's smart.

Yeah. Because he's so, like, in his DNA, he's like a stoner. Yeah, exactly. He's like, oh, no way. Very few people are stoners by race. Yeah, yeah. And he and Keanu Reeves are racially stoners. That's who they are.

Where they're just, oh, no, cool. A kind of loose, like, laughter that isn't really laughter. Also, I love in movies where they just go, like, why would a scientist ever want to cure Alzheimer's? Because his dad has got it. That isn't really laughter. Also, I love in movies where they just go like, why would a scientist ever want to cure Alzheimer's? Because his dad has got it. You go, yeah, there's no other reason why. Every great scientist in movies is motivated by... Pure personal selfish...

A direct relationship to the problem. They have no academic interest. They didn't spend years just studying the subject. Presumably, I mean, how long, he's been working as a scientist for what, 15? How long has his dad been having Alzheimer's? Well, he can't remember. Well, maybe that's why he seems like such a stoner

because it was like, he's so selfish that it was like, the second his dad got Alzheimer's was the first time he started bothering to work on, up until then it was just boner medicine. Because my dad can't get a boner. I would watch that film. About a bunch of monkeys with huge dicks. That you could call Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

And then Will to the Planet of the Apes. And then War. War. And then this is War. War. And then this is actually quite common. It happens to a lot of apes. Get your dicks off me, you damn dirty apes. And it's one of those classic sort of blockbuster films that is so subtly sexist.

It is sexist by omission, if you know what I mean. Ah, yeah. Women are so unimportant in it. Yeah. Like no one goes, hey, toots or slaps around the ass or anything. But women are such an unimportant garnish in this film. They're just blurry shapes in the background. I've never known a film so openly fail the Bechdel test with not needing to at all.

Yeah, where there's absolutely no requirement to, it's not like it's set in a monastery. Yeah, exactly. Or something. I don't even, that's right, there's not a single, I've only just realised, there's not a single's set in a monastery. Yeah, exactly. Or something. I don't know if that's right. There's not a single, I've only just realized, there's not a single female ape in it, even.

Well, this is, I was going to say, because I remember from whatever the second one is, Rising McDawn of the ape planet. Brunch? I think it's Rise, then Dawn, and then Brunch. And then Brunch of the planet of the apes. I think it's in Brunch of the planet of the apes. I think it's in brunch of the planet of the apes. There's one female ape, and she has two lines.

And her job is to be sad because her child ape is, like, sick. Pathetic. Or maybe she's sick, but essentially it's just, oh, I'm a lady ape. And that's it. That's basically the whole film. And I don't think there's, like, any other real female character in it. Well, in this first one one there's only one female character

who is just this... There's one cool lady. Sexy hot scientist. Who he meets when he's stolen this ape from the lab and he gets injured or sick and he needs someone to help him.

So he takes, he hides, he smuggles him he smuggles the ape in a pram through the zoo to get to the zoo doctor, who is this lady. Yeah. Who has no problem with the fact that he is illegally keeping a chimpanzee in his home. This is a woman who works in a zoo taking care of, and she has no worries about him keeping an ape as a pet. Also, it's not, although in a lot of America, it's not illegal. Oh, is that true? To have a chimp pet, yeah, especially in California,

where generally speaking, the chimps. Well, this is San Francisco. Well, I think the chimps they use in films, they retire. Oh, yeah. And they live with their family. And I remember sort of laughing laughing but in a way where you go i shouldn't laugh at this some lady got her face ripped off whatever because she was like the handler for this celebrity chimp and then it just came to live with her and her husband and it

wore dungarees and ate at the table and would have like lobster with them and then eventually it just tried to rip off her head because it's a chimp. Also, I love that because chimps are, like, the most dangerous, aggressive, strong, insane apes of all. More dangerous than gorillas? Yeah, gorillas are quite chill. Right, right, right. But they have more potential to, like, hit you in the heart. Sure, but they're way less likely to fuck with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, chimps as well,, like the first thing they do is go for like eyes and genitals. They're so territorial. They're monstrous. So the idea that, whereas if it was like an orangutan, it would be like, what does it want? You go, ants, a bowl of ants to just pootle around. Whereas, you go, no, the one that's going to become super smart is like,

this couldn't have ended up worse actually. The one that could, there's almost as smart as me with more more muscular strength than I could ever hope for. Yeah. That'd be safe to keep around. Yeah, it's double mine. And we'll definitely be frustrated that we treat it like an animal. Furious.

Absolutely livid. So she becomes his girlfriend after the chimp signs to him something and she says, what did he say? And James Franco goes, he says we should have dinner. Oh my God.

No, he doesn't. And it literally goes three years later, and they're making out in a forest. What? And then it goes to the chimp jumping about the forest, becoming stronger and smarter, and then it goes five years later.

So now this is eight years later, after the beginning of the movie he goes back into his job at the lab where everyone looks exactly the same and his boss goes oh for the last time we're not talking about this alzheimer's medication anymore remembering that the last time he mentioned it was eight years ago and the guy says all you've all you don't come in anymore yeah all you're obsessed it's like how's he kept his job he's been he's been like not working for eight years at this lab he only ever comes in to bother his boss about a medication he does not want to continue uh developing

frequently yeah everyone looks exactly the same no one's aged at all except the monkey ape sorry uh it's just the most unbelievable horseshit. But also like a whole chimp went missing and everyone was like, we should probably look that up. They don't care about it. Do you think it's that guy who doesn't seem smart enough to be a scientist

who keeps disappearing for long periods of time? And also him and his girlfriend refuse to answer the question of how they met. So you met the same week, eight years ago, that that chimp went missing. And what was your job at the time, madam? I was the chimp vet at the zoo, specializing in stolen chimp medicine. I see, I see, I see. Well, that seems fine.

Isn't there a point where, am I imagining this, because it's the same scene in loads of films where the ape gets Really smart looking through the internet looking through the internet and they're a bit where one of the apes looks through the internet I recently watched One of the 10,000 different Avengers films and there's a bit where the robot man educates himself through the internet Is that Tony Stark's invented? Yeah. Yeah, Which made me laugh because in reality it should have just been him going like, just let the robot start wanking and becomes a Nazi. And he'd just

go fucking out. Wait, why did we show him the internet first? Why didn't we show him Wikipedia only? Was it Microsoft that started like a Twitter account, a bot Twitter account that learned from the internet. Yeah. And it just became a racist troll.

Yeah. Well, the trouble is that any time some well-meaning tech company goes, we've made a learning robot, all the racist troll like message boards are like, right, let's go. Obviously, let's go fuck this up immediately. Yeah. That movie is a thousand times stupider than I remembered it. And I remembered it being pretty

dumb. Which one, Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Whichever one we're talking about.

Yeah. Apey McApe Rise. It's pretty dumb. The only reason I wanted to watch it,

well the main reason was I've seen a screenshot of the main ape Caesar wielding two machine guns riding a horse.

Yeah. I think it's a horse. Yeah. And I was like I'm going to see that. So now I've got to find a way of getting there. Also, when you see that, that film's not lying about what it is. That film has no pretensions.

A film with an ape riding a horse with two machine guns. Yeah, it promises and I suppose it'll deliver. It knows what it's about. But the script is just so bad i i it's weird because when you have the right talent attached and stuff and you have enough money to make the film it's genuinely seems like they just go it doesn't matter yeah people will watch this because it's the same as the thing before it's got a talking chimp in it people watch this at one point and it has precedent. Everyone goes, oh, I remember that. Yeah.

Reboots, man. You can just do whatever you fucking like. The dad with Alzheimer's at one point, his Alzheimer's returns, and he goes out, and he, thinking it's his car, breaks into a neighbor's car and starts ramming it into the cars in front and behind him.

And the neighbor sees it and goes, hey, hey! Every auxiliary character in this movie makes no sense and does not behave as any human being would. It's like the writers have never interacted with any humans in their life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The guy goes, hey, hey, get out, get out! He runs down to the car, pulls out this old man who's in a dressing gown, rips him out of his car and goes, what the hell are you doing? What the fuck is wrong with you? He's an old man in a dressing gown who looks confused. What do you think is wrong

with him? He's visibly unable to drive. And this angry neighbor goes, he goes, I'm a pilot. How am I supposed to get to the airport now? Also, so the audience can at this point go

Oh he is a pilot He needed his car Also his car was fine He can still get to the airport Also He's not saying He's a pilot and he's late He's not a pilot

In general He cannot think of any other way To get to the airport How do I I have a job How do I get to my job now As you have destroyed My mode of transportation This is my sole motivation In this film I am a job. How do I get to my job now? As you have destroyed my mode of transportation.

This is my sole motivation in this film. I am a pilot. I am a pilot. That's the best line of the whole movie. I am a pilot. I'm going to start saying that now whenever anything goes wrong and see if it really adds something. We're like, I'm sorry, sir.

There are no McNuggets left. I'm a pilot. How am I supposed to get my nuggets now? really adds something with it. I'm sorry, sir, there are no McNuggets left. I'm a pilot! How am I supposed to get my nuggets now? This man's name is Jerry Smith, and he thinks he's at this little store to buy a sandwich. Well, what he doesn't

know is that it's full of members of this fine program, and they've set up something a little different from a sandwich for Jerry. Ah! Oh, Jerry, I bet you didn't expect that to happen on the morning of your wedding. Please keep sending in your videos to You've Been Snuffed. I have a terrible sense memory of a flight when I was young back to, I can't remember if it was back to Johannesburg or from Johannesburg back here to the UK, but I was like 10. I was very young.

And the only movie available that wasn't just like people dressed in clothes from the 50s crying while they do the washing up, which is a whole genre of film that I can't really get into, was Stuart Little 2. And back then I couldn't sleep on flights. At all? As a child, no, I just couldn't do it. I watched Stuart Little 2 four and a half times. No. I watched Stuart Little 2 four and a half times and it was like being in hell it was how old were you?

I was like 10 or something I think it was the Stuart Little sequel it wasn't even the first one and I was just like you know when your eyes are so dry and there's just recycled air and everyone else is asleep and it's dark the first one. And I was just like, you know when your eyes are so dry and there's just recycled air and everyone else is asleep and it's dark and you're like.

And there's a fucking hum of the plane. Yeah. Over which just, mew mew mew mew mouse. Yeah, oh boy. And then you go like, and you're like on the fourth way around of just, do do do do do do, just.

This child hunched face illuminated only by the blue glow of Stuart Little's adventures. I would have thought that after the second watching of Stuart Little 2, you'd rather just stare at a blank screen. I did for a bit. I did that thing where you scroll through all the options so many times, and you just go, I mean, it's just going to have to be Stuart Little 2 again. So a comedian and friend, Finn Taylor, who was in Australia as well,

he flew down about the same time as me, but on a different flight. He said he sat down, and the guy next to him who sat down was just this middle-aged guy. Just sat down in Dubai or wherever, or maybe it was Heathrow. Just sat down to a flight to Australia

from very far away. Glass of scotch down, turned on the flight map, just stared, watching flight map, glass of scotch, the entire way. No. No. 13 fucking hours, just flight map, scotch. Never

taking his eyes off the little animated plane on the sky map. Fucking hell. That is a man who's flying to Australia for revenge. Well, my, my, sir. You sure do dance beautifully for a gorilla. So on the way from Sydney to Singapore, I've become quite good at securing poor man's business class. Nice. Which is where you go on the day before, you check in, have a look at

the seats arrangements, find out, see where there's a space next to you where no one's likely going to take it, and you get that seat. So I've got like an aisle seat in the middle column. Nice. With a seat for you next to it. I turn on the plane, we start closing off, start taking off, I've got the seat next to me.

It just makes such a difference. Just somewhere to put your shit. Well played. And I thought, oh man, how am I even getting this from Singapore to London? It'd be fucking sweet. Get back on the plane in Singapore to go to London. Sit down. The seat's free. It's like, yeah, here we go. Here we

go! And then ten minutes before we take off, a guy goes hello i i need to sit here what's going on no and he's this big german guy i don't know if you could tell from my impression yeah um who just smelt of armpits you know a guy who's just like he just smells of an you've got one big armpit yeah how do you smell like that all the way over your body your whole body smells like and it's it's, and the weirdest is they often smell of the smell you have logged in your memory of your own armpit. How do you smell like my armpit?

But all the time. All the time. All over your body. Your forehead smells of armpit. Your forehead is the opposite of an armpit. How have you done that? Are you all crevice? How has bacteria managed to duplicate all over your body?

Who's that German crevice? And so did you have to sit and suffer with that? I mean, it's fine, isn't it? When you get on a plane, you go, oh, Jesus Christ, how am I going to do this? And then two hours later, he's like, this is my life. It's fine. This is my life. You had to get up a couple of times.

It doesn't matter. You smelt a bit, sure. But you're on this is my life. It's fine. This is my life. He had to get up a couple of times. It doesn't matter. He smelt a bit. Sure. But you're on a plane. Yeah. That's the thing. He's into the background eventually. I have heard that when cabin crew open the airlock after a really long flight.

Yeah. Because you're all in there. You've all gotten used to the sort of being repeatedly fed each other's farts in a horrible circle. But apparently when they open that airlock, the air that rushes out to the group, to the ground crew is, Oh, yeah. Everyone's eyelashes burn off and stuff,

you know, apparently it's a fucking gross. Everyone's like, Oh, watch out. No, no, no.

Open this like tin of fresh farts. We've just imported from another country. It's almost like we're not supposed to do it! I've never been more fascinated by an aeroplane problem than if we cast our minds back, there was a plane that had to be grounded

because of a poo. Remember that story? No. Really? This plane took off from Heathrow and had to just go back to Heathrow within 10 minutes because of a poo. And it was so bad, the smell of this poo, that the whole plane was like, no. Was it at least in the toilet? Yeah, I think it was. No.

I'm going to Google this. Get my facts straight. Oh, man. After last week's episode, I was hoping we wouldn't descend to poo. Last week's episode, I was crying laughing. It has divided opinion. It has divided opinion. Katie Story, my Edinburgh producer and writer and comedy lady in general,

sent us both a picture of herself looking skeptical because she went for a jog to listen to Bud Pod. Well, going for a jog. And it was all about pops. Yes, here we are. A British Airways flight. This is from 2015. That's how much this has lodged in my memory.

A British Airways flight was forced to turn around because of a, quote, smelly poo. The plane was heading from Heathrow to Dubai on Thursday, a seven-hour flight. Abhishek Sachdev, who was on board, tweeted, Insane. Our BA flight to Dubai returned back to Heathrow because of a smelly poo in the toilet. That is insane.

He told the newspaper, The pilot made an announcement requesting senior cabin crew, and we knew something was a bit odd. About 10 minutes later, he said, you may have noticed there's quite a pungent smell coming from one of the toilets. He said it was liquid fecal excrement. Those are the words he used. That's too many adjectives, isn't it?

Liquid fecal. Yeah, it's also redundancy, fecal excrement. Yeah, if he'd said liquid excrement, people would have gone, but is it feces? That's strange. Or maybe it would have been urine. Exactly, yeah. Well, good on you, pilot. I'm a pilot.

I'm a pilot. How am I supposed to fly to Dubai now? It smells of shit in here. You've done a poo. I'm a pilot. I'm a pilot. I have a pilot. I'm a pilot. I have no idea. Yeah, they said it's a health and safety problem and they decided to return.

We provided them with hotel accommodation and rescheduled the flight to depart the next day. Imagine missing a wedding. Why did you miss your wedding? A man did a poo. Or a lady. You missed that last moment. Yeah. Because someone just did a liquid. Or a lady. You missed that last moment. Yeah. Because someone just did a liquid fecal excrement.

Do you think that that would be like the most kind of, if we managed to convince Al-Qaeda and ISIS to really go like the Gandhi route, they're like, all right, we won't bomb planes, but we will do nightmarish shits on them. And that'll be like how we ground planes and create disturbances. Like a sit-in.

A shit-in! Well, another hard day's work done there. Occupoo. Occupoo. Occupoo. Extinction Rebellion. Yes, very good.

Yes, thank you. Extinction. Extinction Resmellion. Extinction Resmellibum. Fucking hell. Extinction. P- Rismelian. Extinction Rismelibum. Fucking hell. Extinction Pismelibum. Fuck's sake. We are six years old.

Yeah, I know, man. It's terrible. All right. It's terrible. Mon dieu. You dance so beautifully for a gorilla. Let's do some correspondence. Oh, yeah. You know, you saved a letter from last...

Oh, I saved one. From Lewis. From drowning. From old drowning Lewis. To the two peas in an open brackets bud pod. Sorry. He apologizes immediately. Don't! It's good stuff.

Would have done great at the civil engineering event. They would have loved it. He says, I have been traveling in India with my dad. Okay. It would have made a very boring TV show. Great. That's what he says. And one of the things I learned is that... Hasn't stopped anyone else. And one of the

things I learned is that all land belongs to the government, and so nobody has a given right to property. In India? Apparently, according to Lewis. We have something similar here. Doesn't the queen own every land? Because leasehold means you own the house on the land. You can own the freehold as long as it's not in the Duchy of Cornwall

or the Duchy of Lancaster. Is that right? If you're unlucky enough to be Cornish or Lancastrian, it's like, fuck you, you can of Lancaster. Is that right? If you're unlucky enough to be Cornish or Lancastrian, it's like, fuck you, you can never own this. Right, right, right. But,

Or if you're a flat, which has the same land. Yeah, they can divide the freehold up to the number of flats on the land, but anyway. But, but, but,

a lot of people say like, oh, did you know all land to the queen? But it's just because the law says if there's no one around to inherit a house when someone dies,

it reverts to the state. Okay. But in the UK, the state is the queen. Okay. Like queen's crown land. So it kind of, not really, she's got no right to it. Okay. But maybe India's crazier than that. It's a big place. Crazy shit happens. Right. There's a bit of India

that still has like a Maoist jungle insurgent force fighting. Really? Yeah. And it has done for ages. And it's just like, that's how big India is, where it's like, yeah, no one really knows about that. It gets lost in the... That entire sort of mini Vietnam. My authoritarian thought of the week would be this.

Transfer all land back to the government and make everyone essentially council tenants. I think this is a good idea, mainly because I'm a bitter millennial who will never get on the housing ladder. But I think it could work. Could work, rather. I don't know why I said work.

I think it could work. Everyone could stay in the current house they're in and every person would have the right to live in the location they want to live in. All property would be rent controlled according to size and income. It would prevent developer land grabs in high-value places and make those empty mansions in central London prohibitively expensive to own. Obviously, this would be open to corruption, but I think I just solved the housing crisis. What do you guys think? Cheers, Lewis.

Well, Lewis, you haven't so much solved the crisis as just made it so... Oh, you sidestepped the crisis. Sounds like a different... You sidestepped the crisis. It sounds like a different crisis. You changed the game entirely. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm always for an authoritarian thought. Yeah.

Where... I guess the difficulty is where would, like, foreigners live? Foreign... Well, there's nothing prohibiting them from renting from the government. I suppose so. But then if it's all, like, prioritized citizens or whatever. Oh, is it? Well... But we prioritize citizens anyway

I don't know oh I'm not in terms of like doing I yeah I think so um I think the real thing

is just like uh there's just like there's not physically enough houses I remember it's always in private eye where it's like

every year we should be building something like 200 000 houses and every year we build like 4 000 houses yeah and that's been the case every year for like 30 years so the problem is life's insane so the idea is to remove incentive for um investment buying houses as investments. And so basically the country becomes one big dorm. Yeah, dorm. And we could have big parties and midnight feasts. Yeah? Yeah. And then the mayor has just become like the grad student

who's tasked with looking after. So the mayor will just come to your house and say, come on, guys, I've got an assignment. Can you keep it down? We're going to get in trouble. So essentially we replaced the queen with a crusty old dean. Yeah. Dean and country.

God save our gracious Dean. God save our crusty Dean. God save our grumpy Dean. God save our Dean. Send him in furious, sexually curious. His punishments are notorious. God save our Dean. Very good.

That's pretty good. Very good. Well done. Would have got me nothing from the engineers. Probably. Too quick and smart to be improvised. Those cold, cold necromancers. We had so many okay thank yous.

Oh, yeah. And on Twitter, people are okay thank youing like nobody's been. Yeah. Been loving the okay thank yous. Oh, yeah. And on Twitter, people are okay thank youing like nobody's been. Yeah, been loving the okay thank yous. Yeah. Okay thank you for all of them. Okay thank you for so many of them. We have another, we have an okay thank you. Well, kind of an okay thank you from Helena.

Helena. Dear Phil and Pierre, big fan of the podcast. Thank you. Just wanted to write in regarding. Okay, thank you. I'm an overly polite person. Open brackets. I once won an award at work for my good manners.

I need to know what job that was. Did that award already exist or they had to make it up? Helena was so nice. Have you seen how polite? We've got to make up. We've got to make an award. What can we do about how polite Helena is? You know, just by the Pret-a-Manger, there's that little...

Trophy shop. There's that shop where they'll engrave a trophy for you. And they'll do a couple of your shoes and do keys and stuff. We should get some money from the kitty and just buy her a prize. Do you think that maybe if it is a regular award, they're just every month? And then if you're not grateful enough, they just take it away immediately.

It's also like the most, it's something very Orwellian about a workplace giving out awards for being supplicant. Yes, very well behaved. Yes. You've got this little statue. Yes. Good for you.

Do not question. Do not rebel. Be nice. There's an award for good manners. There's an award for least curious underling. And there's an award for most pliant accountant. Anyway, I once won an award at work for my good manners and have these moments very regularly. For example, saying, okay, thank you to the rude bus

driver after he's yelled at me, or in response to receiving a rejection phone call from a job interview. But my peak overly polite moment was in the summer of 2014. During my third year at uni, my bedroom was in the front room on the ground floor of a house share. One hot, fateful evening, I went to sleep and forgot to close the window. I awoke to find somebody's hand through the

window, fumbling around on my desk. In my half asleep, half alarmed state, my natural reaction was to politely say, excuse me, to the man who was trying to rob me. Just with one hand, just reaching in, hoping for the best. It's quite common for student accommodation. Or just a hand in the window.

It's always a laptop. They've got to be tippy-typing. Modern students, right? Us modern kids. Addicted to their screens. It's a grumpy baby boomer. I'll show them what life is like without their screens. Really grouchy old burglar. Yes. He swiftly retracted his hand and ran away. I

stuck my head out of the window and shouted, Hey! Hey! Hey! stuck my head out of the window and shouted, Hey! Hey! As if that would be enough for the man to turn around and say, Yeah, okay, you got me. Thankfully, nothing was taken,

and I now always check windows before going to sleep. It's a real reflection on my South Buckinghamshire upbringing, as well as my inability to assert myself and face confrontation, even in the face of a robber. Keep up the good work, all the best, Helena. That's very funny. Thank you, Helena. It's really, really funny. Hey! Hey! I'm a pilot! I'm a pilot!

How am I supposed to look at it Facebook now? How am I supposed to look up pictures on Google of planes now? I forget what they look like. I'm a pilot. I'll be trying to fly some kind of stair car. Because I won't remember what planes look like. Excuse me.

That's just such a great. Excuse me. Like that kind of teacher. That's so English, though. Yeah. The aggressive excuse me is the most English sound. It's a very funny thing to say aggressively because the meaning of the phrase is please forgive me. Excuse me.

Yeah. Forgive me for being rude here, but I can't help but feel your motives are suspect. Yeah. Please forgive me interrupting you stabbing my family to death, but I don't like that, and I think it's bad. I honestly think there are people in this country who, if faced with a surprise gun from an assassin, would say, um, excuse me, before they were shot in the head. They get shot and they just go, rude. Rude. People always say that I dance beautifully for a gorilla.

But when will they just say that I dance beautifully? Matthew got back in touch. Matthew who sent us the knife shaped like the number four. Oh, yes. Thank you for the number four knife, Matthew. The number four knife is on my Instagram somewhere if you want to look at that. It's a Mambele knife, I think it was called. Mambele. From the Congo Basin area.

I keep dropping stuff in the basin. Oh, where's my knife? I dropped it in the basin. It's dirty. It's in the Congo Basin area. I keep dropping stuff in the basin. Oh, where's my knife? I dropped it in the Congo Basin. It seems like it's dirty. It's in the Congo Basin. Once it's clean, I'll take it out of the basin. Loved Phil's poo story. Oh, good. Some people really

haven't, Matthew. Some people have taken against it. Most authoritarian thought. People who increase toaster settings with no regard should be punished. Anything past three is charcoal. It is, to the point where I don't even know why that is an option. I have a thing where...

It's like one is bread, and then five is cancer. Five is so burnt that it won't sustain a buttering. Yeah, It'll crumble under the weight of the knife in your hand to dust. It'll just fucking Avengers. It'll just Avengers away into dust.

You're gonna know I want Thanos toast. Yeah. I also have a bug bear where the last couple of times I've been to a particular coffee shop near me, the guy in charge of the toasty or the panini or whatever the hell. He's like, oh, yeah, we do toasties, like sourdough toasties. He doesn't toast them. He's a toasting coward.

Well, it's just cheese sandwiches. No, but he tries to toast them. But he's taking it out. He could be in there another minute or two, please, sir. Like, has the cheese melted? Mostly. Toast it. He's worried, though. You can see in his eyes. He's like,

I'm not used to the power of this grill. And he's under-toasting. I'm so sorry to hear that. Yeah, man. Life is hard. Life is hard. Most libertarian thought from Matthew. State sponsorship for local eccentrics. Okay. So their mad projects would at least be noteworthy.

For example, and you and I will both know this, the homeless guy who cycles around Cambridge playing metal from a boom box in a plastic bag. Oh, yeah. Is he still going? He's still going. Wow. Okay. I was there the other day and he's still going. He's still going.

Wow, okay. I was there the other day, and he's still going. There is a very thin line, isn't there, Matthew, between eccentricism and psychosis. Yes. Very rare to see anyone referred to as an eccentric after a sort of stabbing spree. Yeah. Or anything dangerous. I think it's all to do with the bags you use. or anything dangerous I think it's all to do with the bags you use

if you if there's a leather bag you're an eccentric if they're plastic bags you're unwell I generally think of a Cambridge radio bike guy use like leather side bags

yeah if you saw a copy of Candide poking out of his pocket you go oh he's one of those PhD people who never finish their PhD Yeah, if you saw a copy of Candide poking out of his pocket, you go, oh. He's someone who's in like, he's one of those PhD people who never finished their PhD. You know, they're in like year 17. And this is what he does now because he's mad. Oh, he's mad.

Maybe that's what part of the state sponsorship would pay for. Leather bags and tweed coats. When I hear state sponsorship for eccentrics, I just think more investment into um health care medical mental health care yeah yeah i'm totally for more investment in mental health care and also i guess a state sponsorship for eccentrics that's literally that's just arts funding right of course that's like weirdo arts funding isn't it we're in that so i wouldn't call us eccentric we're not in the arts legally hey you and me muddy because we do the comedy, can't get grants. Why? It ain't art according to the Arts Council.

Is that true? Yeah, for reals. What is it under? Just fucking stupid slum chuckles. That's what they call us. Blagging. I mean, it is fucking. Fucking about.

That's what they call it. But if we fucked about and didn't want to make anyone laugh, if we were fucking about in a way that was supposed to be sad, we could get money. Now, that's art. Now, that's art. If it's bad, then that's art. Did anyone vocally enjoy it?

Heavens, no. That's why we gave it all that money. So he says, he would be sponsored, this chap, and get a customized bike with massive speakers and play Requests, S Club 7, and a bowler hat and the tourists would love it. Possibly. I don't know how easy it would be to convince that man to play Requests given that I think people have been requesting for him to fuck off for like 10 years now. And he still cycles around playing metal. I mean we saw that guy literally 10 years ago.

Yeah. So he's still going. And who knows how long he was going since then. So he's been going at least a decade. Also, I don't know how pliable this man would be to changing his routine at this point. I don't think he's doing it for anyone else. That's real art.

Right. When you don't do it for anyone else, it's just for you to express yourself. And others may take what they may. Yeah, I think there's a danger here of homogenizing eccentricism. Yes. State-sponsored homogenized eccentricism. Yes, yes, yes.

Keep eccentrics eccentric. That'll be my counter-campaign. Oh my god, look at these cave drawings. It's the evolution of man. But at the end, he's the evolution of man. But at the end, he's ordering a Bloody Mary. After the rise comes the dawn. And after the dawn comes the brunch. It's just science, Mary. They learn to speak. They learn to think. They learn to brunch. It's just science, Mary.

They learn to speak. They learn to think. They learn to brunch. It's just not right. Monkeys don't eat scrambled eggs on toast. Oh, God, he wanted poached. He's saying he wanted poached! I don't care, it's the mother of the best sourdough on earth. We are bombing that bakery, Sergeant.

I think it wants your avocado. It's pointing at the avocado. They're not apes. They're the next stage. Brunch of the Planet of the Apes. Coming this summer. Around 11 to 12. Some places it'll do it until 3,

but they're quite hard to come by. You'll have to queue for some reason. Well, that was episode 10. We've finally broken double digits. We've done a decapod. Decapod. Decapod. Which now just sounds like defecate to me.

It's so poo-heavy as Bud Pod become. Yeah. Yeah, next time we'll be free of streaks. Oh, God. We are sorry. We're very smart gentlemen, really. We've both got degrees.

That's the thing. Yeah. And it just shows you that there's no reason to ever fully, you know, absolve anyone of being immature. And we keep sending in your okay thank yous, your most authoritarian, most libertarian, and your coolest uncle. We didn't do a coolest uncle this week. Yeah, next week we're going to have to do maybe a bumper cool uncool.

Telling what's the most uncool uncool thing is forgetting to do an uncool cool thing. That is at the lowest It's so far from the Louis line It's basically off the charts It's off the charts under the Louis line And also Send in any travel stories Oh yeah

Why not I've just been on my travels Phil's been on so many planes And don't forget to give us the classic Uber five stars on iTunes. We got you to your destination. If you wanted to talk, we talked. If you didn't, we were happy in the silence. What do you have to do today, Pierre?

What are you going to have to do? I am going to go off. This is going to sound quite weird. I'm about to go off and edit this episode. Okay. You're listening to it already. I mean, to the listeners, it sounds like this is all you do in your life. Yes, I think that they must assume that someone is paying me.

Here's the thing, though. They aren't. They really aren't. They really are not. Which is why it's funny whenever anyone complains. And to be fair, there's only ever been two people. Complain about this podcast. Yeah, just in general.

Even mild complaints. The silent majority. The silent, furious, disgusted silent majority. Yeah, get in touch. Thebudpod at gmail.com or at thebudpod on Twitter. Tonight I will be cooking a very old steak. Do you remember? Maybe we mentioned this last time.

Yeah. Before I left, I cooked you and all our friends some really big steaks. Really big. But one was, there was too much. You left one over. I left one over, but seasoned. I seasoned it and I put it in the freezer. And it's defrosting slowly now.

What? So it's like a month frozen. When it was already an oldie. It wasn't an oldie Was it not matured already? A little Well it was a steak but I just got it They hadn't hung it to dry or

No no of course they've done that Yeah yeah but that's what I mean It's like now it's even more What did you season it with? Oh oil, salt and pepper and rosemary But I've never I hope it doesn't kill me. No, no, no. It'd be fine?

Yeah, totally. It'd be in the freezer. Yeah. If it was in certain conditions, it would almost be fine if it hadn't been in the freezer. No. I mean, it would be black as sin. But like biltong, no one ever cooks biltong. Okay.

Beef jerky's not cooked, ever. Interesting, really. It goes from raw to jerky's not cooked, ever. Interesting, really. It goes from raw to jerky through being dried out. Raw to jerky, the Piano Valley story. That's your biography, from raw to jerky. That's my arc as a stand-up comedian. The photo on the cover is you as a baby, and then you shriveled up, mummified in your coffin.

Yeah, those pictures of Incan mummies that they find in glaciers. I want to start calling babies raw people. Raw people. This person's raw! He's still got a soft yolk. Yeah. But yeah, you should be fine. Okay, great. And then next week we'll do the

Rest in Peace Phil Wang final episode of Bud Pod. Has any podcast had a funeral the rest in peace Phil Wang final episode of Bud Pod. Has any podcast had a funeral episode yet? I don't know. Will it bury one of the podcasts? Do you think maybe the medium is too new?

I suppose so. Some podcasts have had people leave or be replaced or whatever, but I've never... I don't think so. Oh, great. Well, yeah, feel free to podcast my there. I don't think so. Oh, great. Well, yeah, feel free to podcast my funeral. That'll be a first.

We'll win a sort of a Sony award or whatever it is. Yeah, please. That'd be nice. All right. Well, see you PodBuds next week. Okay. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.