BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 100 - BudCentury!

Episode Date: February 3, 2021

The boys have hit one hundred! Featuring the return of Marjorie, Lucky Kentucky, correspondence such as a colostomy update, Gregory Monk, the screaming KOJI mystery and poopy romance, some delightful chat. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 100. Is a hundred anything, Phil? A hundred? Why, it's the loveliest number, of course. Someone on Twitter suggested in advance, in terms of number of weapons and gladiators, man with two shields, most protected man. Two shields. Most protected man. Yes. Yes. Or, if you look at it face on,

it's a long poo and then two butt cheeks that has just come out of. Yes. Yes, of course. So 100 is Bud Pod in a number. It's true. It's true. Of course it's true. The prophecy. It's true. Of course it's true. The prophecy.

We did it. Yes, we finally fulfilled it. I mean, I guess it would look more anatomically correct if it was 010, because then it would look like the poo was coming straight out of the ass. But we don't number our podcasts in binary, unfortunately. Yeah, and also like it's quite good in the

sense that it looks like the poo has been done. Yes, exactly, exactly, yeah. Like the butt cheeks are resting next to it. Yeah, resting after all the work. Both mother and baby are doing fine. Yeah, gosh.

I was talking to someone about the podcast, and they were saying how they... Who was it? Someone... Maybe it was someone online. Yeah, gosh. I was talking to someone about the podcast, and they were saying how they... Who was it? Someone... Maybe it was someone online. Anyway, they were talking about how they were going back and listening, and it was funny to hear the slow introduction of things like Koji and the emails getting poopy over time,

like a kind of werewolf transformation. Right, yeah, because in my mind, it was poopy from the start. But of course it wasn't. It wasn't. No, yeah, because in my mind, it was poopy from the start, but of course it wasn't. It wasn't. No, no. It's like, Budweiser's like Blackadder. It sort of took a first few episodes for everyone to realise oh, okay.

Yeah, we need to... This is what the show actually is. There's also an element of Mandela effect, I find, because people will be like, oh that oh your podcast about shitting and wanking and wanking and shit and and then like i'll think about the episode they're talking about and we talked about like quantum time dilation and yeah this was meant to be a current affairs show it was meant to be current affairs and science discussion.

Yeah, that's what I think is the real charm of Bud Pod, is that you get the poopy stuff and the brain stuff, the top and the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're like horrible histories, basically. We give you the facts but also make a fart joke now and then and then again yes exactly exactly and um uh yes you get the you get the top of the bottom and uh a lovely compliment that i've received from a few people is that they

don't like toilet humor or they find poo stories disgusting but the bud pod has has shown them that there is a way that this particular meal can be prepared, that they enjoy it. Yes, that's right. We've made the unpalatable palatable to section society that had always assumed this wasn't for them. Yes, and it's just proof that with the right turn of phrase and the right attitude, you know...

Yes, and the right wink and nod of the head. Yeah, that's right. Even the greatest king cannot help but succumb to our Pooey Wiles. I think I saw Pooey Wiles

play at the Camden Roundhouse. He was doing a jam session, I think I saw Pooey Wiles play at the Camden Roundhouse. He was doing a jam session, I think. Yeah, so on this 100th episode, the idea is we're going to try to formulate, naturally, the most quintessentially Bud Pod episode of Bud Pod available. So the platonic ideal of a Bud Pod episode.

Yeah, I think so. All the best bits. Bit of chat. Couple of sketches. Correspondence. If you can sneak in a bit of tat all the better but that's what we're trying to do absolutely

in line with one of the running themes of Budpod mostly you but sometimes me seeing films that they probably should have seen a long time ago oh have you just done that yeah I finally watched There Will Be Blood isn't it good oh my god.

Isn't Daniel Day-Lewis very good at acting? What a good actor with his face he is. It's brilliant. Although it was years and years and years after I saw it that I found out that... What's that actor, the young guy, the creepy guy? He's really good. Oh, with his big, big face?

Yeah, big moon face. What's big moon face's name? Jay something? Something Jay? Nicholas Jay? He was in War and Peace. Okay, I'm actually going to look this up because I will chop my arm off if I can't remember.

He's one of those people whose faces I have a... Paul Dano. Paul Dano. Paul Dano. Very good actor. There you go. But it was years before I realized that the guy he plays at the beginning of the movie and the guy who comes up later on are different people.

They're twin brothers. I thought it was the same guy. Yes, yes. I only managed to infer that they were twins because of how long Daniel Day-Lewis' character and his son look at him like, what the fuck? Right, right. Because they don't really explain away that they're twins. I was just like, oh, that guy's back. I looked it up because they used the different names and stuff initially. I thought, wait, was he pretending? And then I went, oh, no, no, no, they've done a twin thing. It's because the guy playing the other brother, they got rid of him. Then they just went, fuck it, make them twins.

Right. He was two different actors. Originally. I see, I see, I see. I looked it up for exactly that reason. That guy has such a big face. I have a term for them in my head, people with a certain type of big face

or cheekbone structure where I always, every time I see one, I think in my head, people with a certain type of big face or cheekbone structure, where I always, every time I see one, I think in my head, that's a lot of extra real estate. Yeah. Because it almost seems unfair. They have all the real estate of a face, and then they've just got this, like, garden border around their own face of more space for face. own face of more space for face it's like a bit of real estate that um vladimir putin has been keeping secret but a drone has found it's like wow it just keeps going on and on and on he shouldn't have this all to himself

yeah or it's like um the face the face has got contained some sensitive information or people and there needs to be a sort of border i well i always think with paul dano his big face i go oh well that's why he's such a good actor he's got all that face to act with all the more face to act with that's what he says at auditions they go oh you've got the casting yeah the they go oh you've got a big face yeah the casting director goes

you've got a oh my god and he goes all the more to act with and they go when can you start and they stand up and shake his hand across the desk they don't even let him do the read they're just like yes this is the kind of attitude from a big face boy we've been looking for it's also funny to to go about scheduling the shoot of a big budget movie

by going individually to the actor when can you start can you start monday yeah i think going oh shit now i have to change the other oh hang on we're filming a couple of scenes on monday can you drop by yeah we were planning on filming them without A character in them But now that we've got you But yeah there will be blood Very good, final scene Wow

Oh incredible I drink your milkshake I drink it up And he's so aggressive to the guy And then at the end he goes Incredible. I drink your milkshake. I drink it up. I drink it up. And he's so aggressive to the guy. And then at the end, he goes, I'm finished. And his silly voice is very funny where he's being like, they're trying to cast the demons out of him in church.

And he's only doing it so he can get their land. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they say, do you reject the devil? And he goes, I do. He sounds like Adam Buxton i do yes i do that's what he says yes i do it's so funny and when the preacher is like screaming at him and moving his face around he just keeps going oh here he is really i don't want it again he's just like making fun of him oh here he is do you reject the devil yes i do i'm finished

it is like an adam buxton character it is yeah it's such a funny maybe that's where he started doing the voice drawing i seem to remember adam buxton doing a impression of i drink your milkshake at the time when adam and joe show was on uh bbc radio 6 but so interesting well i think that's where it kind of all started and buxton's had johnny greenwood off of uh off of radiohead who did the music for that film. Of course, yeah. Maybe that's a part of it too. Yeah. Oh, man. Well, on episode 100, a thank you to Adam Buxton,

who of course isn't listening, but for inspiring poopy silly boys to do podcasts everywhere. Yes, yes. He is the velvet underground of podcasting not not not everyone has listened to him but everyone who has has started their own podcast about pooping and farts have you have you uh we we never get uh we never get bud personal uh on that issue, Phil. About on what? Have you been farting lately, Phil? Oh, no.

Actually, I've been altogether all right down there. The guns have fallen silent? Yeah, there's been a necessary but tense armistice below the border for a couple of weeks now. We don't know when aggression will return to the region. But for now, everyone's taking it as an opportunity to collect and regroup and heal. And bury their dead. Bury their dead, yeah. Hey, Myanmar.

Have you seen the news about Myanmar? Why can't Myanmar decide if they're a military dictatorship or not? Yeah. It's like, just pick one. At this point, the rest of us are bored. Is Aung San Suu Kyi a bad guy or is she a victim? We need to know. Yeah, I mean, you kind of want to say to them, look, when Aung San Suu Kyi was out of the house arrest,

you still managed a genocide. Yeah, so what's the point? Obviously, you can do it with her. If anything, she sort of gives us an acceptable face to the genocide. So you want to keep her around, don't you? Well, that's the thing. One of the big reasons they got away with it is that they kept thinking, well, she must be against it, right?

Or maybe there's something going on. And she was just sat there in her little dress just going no i think they deserve it and everyone went oh no she was a baddie yeah so maybe she just lost her mind she watched everything there was on burmese netflix and she lost her damn mind so funny to campaign Burmese Netflix is just the bridge over River Kwai again and again and again it's the bridge over River Kwai and incredibly choreographed

choreographed dances about how the military are wise it was so funny for ages for Aung San Suu Kyi to be this like this brave woman and she's like old and she's been under house arrest for it was something crazy

it was like 20 years or some shit her desert island discs made everyone cry yes and everyone went oh this brave lady and she oh and we're gonna get a release an amnesty write a letter to a burmese general you've never heard of and demand on the basis of no power the release of this old lady um and and it worked and she came out and she went kill the muslims fuck we supported a genocidal maniac

accidentally and it's like yeah she didn't get less prejudice because she was an old lady in a house but like in our defense we had no reason to expect that outcome oh no sure we had no reason to and she seems so nice

and she speaks so well and she went to Oxford I think and she's so well. And she went to Oxford, I think. And she's so poised and elegant. And her posture, my God. She was all you have to do. For someone who's been under house arrest to have that kind of posture, that's the real miracle. Yeah, she's under house arrest with nothing but wooden chairs.

Yeah. No sofas in that house. But you know what? You've got to hand it to the military junta of Myanmar, which is not something I say a lot, but you do, in that there is no face of a particular general I can put to it. They're very much not in it for the celebrity,

which is more than can be said for, say, a North Korea, which is a military autocracy with this sort of cult of the celebrity at the top but with myanmar it's very much uh it's very much like group effort like it's very much a a night of the round table situation where no one no one is the star they're humble aren't they Burmese coup generals? Yeah, they don't want the fame. They're in it for the oppression, Pierre. They're in it for the oppression.

They're in it for the hundreds of illegal ruby mines or whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah, I remember I went on this trip which I didn't realise at the time how sort of unique and special it was. My dad just one day was like, we should go to Burma. And this was before Aang San Suu Kyi was released.

And we had this little trip around Burma. And it was the most peculiar. I felt like this must be what, it's like North Korea, light, light, light, light, light. I think that's what Burma then felt like, this must be what, it's like North Korea, light, light, light, light, light, you know. I think that's what Burma then felt like. And where everyone was sort of free to do what they liked, but a mobile phone SIM card was literally 100 US dollars. Oh, wow. So, yeah, you were free to get a mobile phone, but you wouldn't be able to eat for a month

if you bought yourself a mobile phone. Hello, no one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, hello, it's Marjorie here. I'm just calling Citizens Advice to ask you your advice, because I'm a citizen, and something very strange has happened to me, and I don't know what to do. And so, if you are a citizen and you need advice, you call Citizens Advice. And I'm calling because something strange has happened,

and I've become a gif. And I didn't want to be a gif. I don't know how it happened. My friend, he... I was round at his house to look at his board games. I don't play them, but I collect them. And I was admiring a particularly good edition of German Scrabble from the 30s, Hitler Scrabble.

And I was looking at it while we were both eating soup, and he filmed me, even though I tell him not to film me, because when he films me, if you take a photo of me, I lose a part of my soul. Anyway, that's different, something else. And he filmed me, and it was a film of me looking up That's different Something else And he filmed me And it was a film of me Looking up From my bowl of soup

Surprised And I had some soup On my face Because I refused To use a spoon Spoons are for babies If you can't control Your own head

Then you have to have a spoon And someone spoons things in you If you control your neck You can drink like a duck Or perhaps A wildebeest a theater of water and that's how you're supposed to eat soup but no and the young people don't know that and i was eating the soup with my face and he said hey and i looked up and he was filming

me and i was surprised and there was soup on my face and it became a gif he put it online and it became a gif for reacting to things um Because someone looking up from some soup and they're surprised and they have soup on their face. And it's me. It's me. And now I'm in the gif. There's more of me in the gif than there is outside of the gif. Outside of the gif I'm just a gust of wind now. Or sometimes a passing thought. Or that thing where you think you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket but it's not doing

it because you remember that your phone doesn't actually vibrate and then you go oh and that's strange that's me now the rest of me is in a gif and I need you I need your advice on how to get back out of the gif and into the world again so I can finish my soup

so I don't know what to do about that and I'm getting exhausted because people keep using me. Someone, a drag queen, would do a tweet about Ted Cruz and people will react underneath with my gif of my face with the soup. And then a German politician will do a tweet about a vaccine and a lot lot of people will quote, tweet it, with a gif of me in the soup. Or, I mean, someone, I'm currently, I'm in someone's family WhatsApp. They're reacting to the news of a breakup from one family member who doesn't have the emotional literacy to use anything other than a gif or perhaps they're busy on the toilet i don't know but i need to do something because every time i get used as a gif i can feel my powers waning and my soup is cold and um the other gifts are very boring

they're very dull i don't like to speak to them um it's marjorie here by the way um okay thank you Marjorie here, by the way. Okay, thank you. Yeah, a weird place. Really weird. And then it all changed. I didn't realise that I've got this sort of quite unique glimpse behind

a sort of modern Iron Curtain. Yeah, what would it be? The Jade Curtain? Hmm, yeah? Hmm, yeah Hmm, yeah Whatever it is Whatever paste it is at Myanmar Myanmar, Myanmar, Myanmar Girls put in their cheeks that curtain

They put All the girls in Myanmar They rub their cheeks with this paste And then they go out with it. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, like, originally it's meant to be, to look after your skin is like a bit of

skin ointment or something, but it then became the fashion to have the ointment visible itself. And so the girls go out with these sort of... Tanaka paste. Ah ah it's always called the tanaka curtain yes apparently that's not a curtain that's a nice kind of ring to it actually what's it made of tanaka paste it is made of and where can i buy it

you could be the first uh instagram influencer with tanaka. I want to see right now if Amazon stocked Tanaka paste. It's made from bark. The wood of several trees may be used to produce the cream. And they grow abundantly in central Myanmar. The Maraya tree or Tanaka. The Titi or wood apple. The Shwebo Tanaka

and the Shinmadaung Tanaka. Tanaka paste. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, how strange. Yes, I see. And like, there's photos and it is all like, it is like bright paste that you can see on people's face. Like they've done a makeup test.

Yeah, you can get it on Amazon. Oh, man. You can get it on Prime oh man you can get on prime jesus this is i mean i need the tanaka paste i don't i don't like using the phrase late stage capitalism very much but if it were ever um okay to use i think being able to get tanaka paste delivered to your house for 10 pounds by the next day i think we've gone too far i think that i think life has become too convenient yeah i don't think the southeast of england has such an overwhelming burmese minority that the knucker paste needs to be available within a day yeah gosh to have that on prime that is mad that's sometimes with amazon you want to say to them like could you could you do less they're

like a kind of demon that like uh you know when you hear like a folk tale and someone's asked the genie or the demon to be like uh oh i want uh all the wheat i can sell and then like it just like the wheat won't stop it's just like a wheat fountain yeah yeah yeah and that's to teach you a lesson yeah amazon is like a greek myth yeah i will and and to be fair bees art iszos is like one of those ancient Greek kings who sort of is so powerful that he's got his own cloud or something. There's always some weird supernatural element to their power, turning things to gold or...

Yeah, yeah. ...control all the horses in the kingdom or something mad. And he has a sort of a pampered but unhappy daughter. Who has never left the palace. She lives in a gilded cage, yeah. Oh, she always begins sentences with

Oh, father. Why mayn't I have mine own packages? And it turns out because he struck a bargain with a witch that he could be Amazon, he could be Bezos, but his own family could never benefit from the marvelous packages.

The one thing that she wants can never be delivered within 24 hours. Freedom. I live in a cardboard cage. Bezos. Bezos is so Old Testament.

Bezos. Bezos. Bezos begzos is so Old Testament Bezos Bezos begat Prime Begat the marvellous Mrs Maisel And yea Bezos did Beget Prime and Prime Did begat Maisel That's perfect, yeah.

And lo, Bezos did conquer the Nephraim and pushed them even beyond the city of Lot. Every Old Testament place is either called, like, Lot or Knob or Bum. Yeah, yeah. Or it's called something with 11 syllables. There is no in-between. Everywhere is either like,

the great city of Nod, or it's like, Cracklerion. Whoa, what the f... Well, it was back in the day where there were so few cities, you could just say a sound, and odds are there wasn't a city called that.

You know? Yeah. Eventually we got to the stage where i had to call things constantinople because all the sounds were taken but back then it's just like blip yeah call it blip yeah nothing's called blip nothing's called nothing is called blip i guess i i yeah i guess i guess I'm from blep. Call it myth. Nothing's called myth yet. Just call it myth. It was like email addresses. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eventually cities had to be called things like Lot 69. Or, you know, Acra 1992. Yeah. Well, I mean, you can tell that some of the Aztec cities were much later on because they're going for like Tenochtitlan and Tapuapacapal and stuff.

Yeah. There's a lot of L's and P's and C's together in there. That's right, that's right. They're trying to get a strong password. Yeah. Aztecs have the strongest passwords, man. The Mayans were very advanced in mathematics and of course the Aztecs were very advanced in

cyber security, personal computer security. Every newborn's name had at least one capital letter and a number. Even the Spanish were astonished by the strength of the passwords they encountered. When colonizing Mexico. El Dorado, of course, a city of strong passwords. A city of Bitcoin. Yes, of course, a city of Bitcoin.

El Dorado to the moon. Have you enjoyed all the Reddit Wall Street fuckery? Yeah. I mean, on the one hand, I'm sort of glad that stock buying and the stock market has been, you know, revealed to be built on sand and meaning nothing. Because now some regulatory body is sort of after the people who've jacked up the price of GameStop. But have they done anything illegal?

It's not insider trading. I guess it is to gang together and say we're going to up the price of GameStop. But have they done anything illegal? It's not insider trading. I guess it is to gang together and say we're going to raise the price or something. But that's what stock traders do, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, if you all just agree to invest in something, I mean, at what point does that mean that you're breaking the law? Exactly. I mean, they always make fun of the fact that all the financial regulators in the US and in the UK are deliberately toothless.

So it would be funny if they finally find the ability to actually enforce the law. That's funny. Or a bunch of neckbeards. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Who's your deregulation? No.

Where's your deregulation now? I suppose. who's your dereg no where's your deregulation now i suppose yeah well it's like the the libor scandal implicated like some of the most powerful and rich people in the world and they ended up just sending a couple of people to federal prison who were like uh just these like 29 year old cokeheads who are at the lowest chat room end of it what's libor scandal i've not heard of the libor rigging the libel rate was this this important like financial uh interest rate and it got rigged it was like openly rigged for for years like they would have big meetings about rigging it it couldn't have been more illegal in

the world but um here we are libel scandal was a highly publicized scheme in which bankers at several major financial institutions colluded with each other to manipulate the London interbank offered rate. Okay. Okay, I'm going to pretend I understand what that means. It's the average interest rate calculated through submissions of interest rates from banks around the world. Okay.

So it's basically how much money your money makes. In a bank? Just lying in a bank? And it's used to... money your money makes. In a bank. Just lying in a bank. And it's used to... Oh, there you go. LIBOR underpins $350 trillion in derivatives. Right. So the fate of those derivatives is controlled by the LIBOR rate.

So if you fuck with the rate, you're warping $350 trillion. But it's all in derivatives, which are not very... It's money that's not very original. It's not doing anything interesting. The Simpsons did it first. Yeah, exactly. It's money that The Simpsons made first. It's hack money, have money derivatives.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It never gets a good review in The Guardian. Derivative markets. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah i always forget like every every in my head i always just think like oh yeah the libel scandal that was big and then there's this quote on the wiki from the andrew low who's the professor of finance at mit and he says this dwarfs by orders of magnitude any financial scam in the history of markets and you think oh great okay yeah yeah but i mean he's just trying to get on the cover of a book isn't he that's true i'd put him on the cover of my book that's that's a kind of um he just wants his he wants his quote on the cover of the book about the libel scandal i see through him yeah just like no one really

like whenever you hear about that i'm just looking like oh they find barclays bank 200 million dollars and you think who gives a fuck yeah i don't think barclays care i imagine it was worth it find me 3p whatever it's it's so funny the idea that like we're gonna find the bank and it's like oh where will they get the money at the bank do you um are you excited phil because there is some more adam curtis coming out on the 11th of feb oh, sorry about that. The phone goes off in here from time to time. That's all right. It's old school. It is.

You do quite a good Adam Curtis impression. Yeah, I think so. I need to refresh myself. It's kind of like a more scared David. He's like a scared David Attenborough. He's David Attenborough who's gone on a lot of subreddits about conspiracies. That's right. That's right. He's David Attenborough at 4am after a lot of coffee and a lot of reading about the Illuminati.

Yeah. Yeah. I can never tell. It always feels like he knows what he's talking about, but I also don't always understand completely what he's talking about. And I just feel clever by going, hmm, interesting. Wow, yeah, Russians. Basically, everything he says is, but it wasn't about money. It was about power.

That's very good. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Or he says it wasn't about money, it was about power. Or he says, they decided. And he describes this whole thing that some really powerful people decided to do or experiment with. And then it shows you some clips of it. And then he says, but nothing happened.

And you go, nothing happened? That's weird. Yeah, that's a skill To make the act of nothing happening Sound very exciting Yeah and you go Yeah I don't know Is he good or is he a crackpot

Because he He's very convincing But then he'll There's always a danger with historians Of framing these very complex international global developments as intentional and planned. The truth is usually nothing's planned or nothing ever goes to plan. He's very keen. He's the opposite of John Gray, I think, in the sense that Adam Curtis is really keen on the idea that everything should make sense in a direction

yeah or that it's a good idea to do that and like everyone's yeah whereas he doesn't like the idea of this kind of formless ridiculous chaos and so he finds all these links and stuff there's a good interview

with him in the New York Times from the last week or so I think it was the New York Times from the last week or so. I think it was the New York Times, where he explains that, and the guy interviewing him talks about the fact that, oh, yeah, you know, this is his personal take. He's not presenting himself. He describes himself as a television journalist.

He doesn't even say, you know, historian or philosopher or anything like that. Right, right. And he does make big leaps sometimes. He's like a news dramatist, really, isn yes yeah yeah yeah he's looking for a story that can be put together to find a new i mean the one thing he definitely does is he makes you look at things in a new way yeah yeah um and it's it's nice to have someone do that who isn't completely mental yeah mostly the people who do that are insane.

You go, I never thought of the idea of being covered in invisible bugs or whatever. What's his new film about? Is it about how Budpod is scripted? Yes, it's about... So he's... But Phil Wang and Piano Valley decided to make a podcast. No, that was too Attenbury.

And it's like sort of grainy, early noughties footage of us meeting in a big room. You can't hear what I'm saying, but we're just like, I lean in and whisper something into your ear. Yeah, and I laugh and nod and we shake hands. And while that happens, it's a really repetitive techno beat. Just like... And the lady's going...

And it's something really sort of tense and sinister about it. Yeah, and then we both sign something and swap it over. We sign something and swap it over. Yeah, we sign something and swap it over. And then that's intercut with footage. Really grainy footage from the 80s of a member of the Taliban dancing. Yeah, yeah. And the implication. He doesn't come out and say it,

but the implication is that these two things are connected. Or that in a way we're the same type of people. Right, yeah, yeah. You can look at it all these different ways. And then when you talk about uploading the first episode of Budpod, it's just like banks of supercomputers from the 60s all blinking lights. And it was a podcast that could be downloaded by anyone around the world. And then like a scientist-looking person listening to the podcast

with these big headphones and writing something onto a clipboard making a note taking like a graph thing with a line going and like writing down all these results it was about poo but I have But I have to say,

and Adam Curtis said this on an interview, and you have to give him credit, he made a point of whenever the footage was cut to somewhere like Afghanistan or Iraq, the music would stay Western. It would stay techno. And he said he deliberately didn't want it to cut to something in

Iraq and something the music changed to because he just thought that was naff and i was like yeah fair point yeah although i do i do kind of like it when the music changes to it was a big radiator yeah that part's that kind of thing is fun but it is a bit much where they they switch from like you know

footage of george w bush doing something and then there's just something of saddam and it becomes like saddam hussein's equivalent of like

12th century music yeah like yeah whereas the equivalent would be if you cut to a shot of Tony Blair And they were just medieval

It's medieval flutes I saw a pretty girl by a well Tony Blair walks around waving It'd be quite good It'd be really sinister That'd be quite good. That would be quite good. It'd be really sinister. It'd be really sinister. Then I'd believe he was up to something.

Yeah, Tonti Blyer. One of the funniest Daily Mail comments of all time that is all over Twitter. Is Tonti Blair behind this? No idea what it was a comment underneath. Could have been any news story of the past 30 years. Yeah, poor old Tonti. Is Tonti Blair behind this?

What do you think it's like to be... Oh, yeah? What do you think it's like to just be Tony Blair Just in the morning Um Before he wakes up He brushes his teeth and washes the blood Off his hands I would think

Doesn't answer the phone call from The Hague Yeah I don't know I think doesn't answer the phone call from the Hague yeah I don't know I think I think about that about someone like Tony LeBlair but then I always remind myself how quickly the human being is capable of acclimatizing

yeah and how quickly something you think is extraordinary once you're in it once you've done it, is normal. And we're built for it. It's the only way we can survive mentally. We just go, okay, that's normal. That's normal now.

Being called a war criminal every day by people who think citizen's arrest is a thing is normal. I guess the best thing is always just to remember that inuits exist explain so it's like in terms of the adaptability it's like these guys live in the the arctic where it's like what's the weather like today oh it's minus 40 yeah if a human is capable of acclimatizing to that, I think Tony Blair can get used to being called a cunt all the time. Yeah, exactly.

Where it's like, oh, is it cold forever? Basically. What do you eat? Raw meat and fat. What do you live in to stay warmer? Oh, ice. We live in ice because the ice is warmer. Yes. We've had to build an ice cave

because that's actually warmer in the ice cave. That's how fucking cold it is all the time. Oh. Anniversary. Our anniversary. There's nothing quite like an anniversary. There's nothing quite like an anniversary. We here at Lucky Kentucky know better than most just how important an anniversary is. We ourselves have recently celebrated our own anniversary, a thousand years of Lucky

Kentucky. A thousand years since Jimmy Contucka put those first octopus eggs into that first magical batch of Lucky Kentucky whiskey. Now people have asked us difficult questions about a thousand year anniversary. People have been a little confused by the idea of lucky Kentucky celebrating a thousand years on account of the state of Kentucky not existing for nearly that long. Not only that, but a thousand years predates by some time the discovery of America by the Europeans, who of course brought their whiskey making ways to

our wonderful state. And to those people, all I can say is, well, Jimmy Kentucky had more secrets up his sleeve than just the perfect ratio of octopus eggs to rye and barley. But that's a story for another time. A thousand years is how long we've been here,

and a thousand years is how long we're going to stay. Lucky Kentucky. Wishing Birdpod a very happy hundred years. See you at a thousand. We should try We should get onto some Centenary correspondence

This is basically This is like Letters the Queen receives On her 100th birthday That's right Let's do it Let's do some correspondence Letters

Emails Phone Your sister correspondence correspondence correspondence she mails emails on the e-shore the mails she shmails are emails

I'm sure we get so many emails which are just like Our emails, I'm sure. We get so many emails which are just like, would you like your podcast to be on crumpleton.com? Yeah. Are you interested in a marketing opportunity for Bud Pod? Yes. Dear Phil Novelli, would you like to... Let's see.

Where were we? Where were we? I need to think of a way of doing like a marker. To make sure... Oh, yes, we did the terrible... The Maasai. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dee-da-dee.

Oh, yes, here we are. This one is... We've had similar ones before, I think. And it's from... It is from... Who's it from? Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. What a larkus. Yes, what a larkus. He says, Dear Pumbles of Bimbledon Common. It's pretty good. Marcus. He says, Dear Pumbles of Bimbledon Common. That's pretty good. He says, I write

to you in confinement, overhearing my potentially lactose intolerant father playing a dangerous game of shit or fart. Potentially lactose intolerant. The most dangerous game of all. So they're not sure if he's lactose intolerant, but he's on the toilet right now, having had some milk, I imagine. Clearly, I think that is the case.

He says, I'm no gambling man, but I feel the odds lean heavily in favor of shit. He says, I've been trying to find a suitable bread fart for the polyphonic arse chorus I'm being subjected to, but I can't seem to find one with enough vowels. Bread fart. All right. Interesting. Yes, yes, yes. So he says, I finally caught up. Focaccia.

Focaccia. Yeah. No. Focaccia. Focaccia. I still think one of the best ones is non yeah it's good

it says I finally caught up with present day Budpods having been alerted to the library of delight by a friend a few months back I tend to listen in the evenings treating Budpod as a sort of CBeebies bedtime stories but with poo and in the evenings of course we'd listen to Budpod

Do you know it? So he says this is instead of a normal disaster one this is a love story with poo that's what he says Oh wow not enough of these Yeah he says I just returned from a remarkably toilet drama-free trip to Nepal. Remarkable. And I was excited to see the girl I had been dating for a month prior to going away. We were at that awkward midpoint between dating and being a couple. A state of coupledom where you could probably fart in front of the other one without serious consequence,

but would be too nervous to. Interesting, interesting, interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. it's a precarious point of the relationship that yeah i i have a thing where whenever anyone says talk says something about oh farting in front of your partner i always imagine it being done so really deliberately like a little show sit down sit down yeah yeah you direct all the lights in the room to you like a kid putting on a play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen! She still lived with her parents and I hadn't yet moved to her city, so I decided I would have to stay there for the night.

Wait, wait, so are we in Nepal at this point? How does Nepal sound? No, no, he's back, he's back, he's back. Oh, right, so his almost his almost girlfriend is not in Nepal. No, no, no, no. He was dating a girl for a month. He fucked off to Nepal to find himself. Didn't shit himself.

Came back. Yeah, okay, okay. He went to Nepal to shit himself. So this girl lives with her parents, and so to visit her, he has to be in the homestead. Okay, okay, okay. It is important to mention I can get very anxious in certain situations. This anxiety will usually manifest in something resembling carrot soup coming out of one or both ends of my digestive system.

Whoa. That's pretty serious anxiety. Yeah. That sounds like blood. Mmm. We sat down for dinner with her parents Needless to say the anxious circus in my stomach Was in full swing

From a combination of extreme sexual tension From a month apart Of course And trying to leave a good impression on her parents Furthermore the food Phil was vegan Okay Yes a lot to contend with there A lot to contend with

It's the noisiest food of all Of course, that's what he's getting at Yeah, vegan Beantown, Beantown We finished dinner without any trouble and moved upstairs I could not wait to hold her in my arms But as I crossed the room towards her, the anxious stomach circus from before took it up a gear

and I had to quickly retreat. I wonder how he styled it out. Like, ah, ah, ah. And slowly backed out of the room. I'm imagining he didn't style it out and it was like when Dracula's about to get the woman but she has a cross and he only just sees her at the last minute and goes, ah!

It lurches backwards with his arms raised hissing swings his cape around his face so he had to quickly retreat what followed was something similar to someone hitting the rewind button during the opening scenes of a very soft porn that's funny

they're about to get off and they just Once out of the room I made haste to one of the two adjacent bathrooms. Lovely. Sounds like This will be relevant later. Sounds like our friend here

is marrying into a bit of money. Two bathrooms money. That's right. Two bathrooms money. That's right. Double poop money. I promptly became reacquainted with my dinner as I vomited into the toilet. Oof. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man. Fortunately, I was able to quietly brush my teeth. Excuse me. And return to the bedroom with her none the wiser. After a lovely game of grown-up scrabble... I've never heard foreplay described as grown-up scrabble before. Yeah. Yeah.

Triple word score. That must mean something in that context. After a lovely game of grown-up scrabble, we both retreated to the bathrooms to get ready for bed. Her in one bathroom, me in the other. So they're each in the bathrooms next door to each other. Yeah. Well, it turned out there was to be an encore for the stomach circus,

so I ran over to the toilet and sat down. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The old Chinese phrase, sang o si a tu. Yep. Knowing she was within earshot, I tried to commence proceedings quietly so as not to ruin the romance of the evening.

Hey, hey, hey. You guys, you guys have to leave. Quiet. Just get out. Just sneak out. like like shit leaving a leaving an illegal rave at three in the morning yeah yeah yeah smuggling smuggling shit out of uh out of the back of a house while the police are knocking on the front door go go go go they're holding their shoes for some reason yeah yeah yeah so he says he tried to start it quietly unfortunately the noise i produced was akin to a flail a flailing wookie in a paddling pool screaming down a kazoo Once the deluge had subsided, I let out a sad sigh, thinking I'd surely blown it and should get ready to pack my bags and leave. However, it was then I heard chuckling coming from the other bathroom.

Oh, that's sweet. This chuckling was abruptly interrupted by my date's very own interpretation of Mozart's horn concerto for arse and toilet bowl. Whoa! A duet! She too had felt the effects of the vegan supper and was jovially shitting next door to me. This is their version of

I've had the time of my life. And I never fired this way before. Yes, I swear it's the poo. And I owe it all to poo. Islands in the stream, that is what we are. Islands in the stream is exactly what they were producing.

So she starts shitting away, he begins to laugh and she began to laugh even more oh, it's a match made in heaven once reunited in the bedroom having accidentally jumped a few stages in the relationship we no longer cared about the overhearing of each other's trumpeting we decided to become proper boyfriend and girlfriend yeah, gosh, I mean, in many ways

that was more important than the adult scrabble in the progression of their relationship. Isn't that funny? That's right. And so I sort of have Pooh to thank for a wonderful relationship that though no longer together was full of very fond memories that didn't involve Pooh.

And best of all, the stomach circus never returned. Aww. That's nice. That's nice. It's nice to be able to look back. She healed his stomach circus. Ah. Yes, it is. Oh, that's very good. She healed his stomach circus Ah Yes it is

Oh that's very good Well that is a nice and very mature end To a nice relationship Yes Very lovely And they owe it all to Pooh Nicely for episode 100 We have an update

From Tim Who had the colostomy bag Oh gosh this is a while back Yeah I mean this email is also from a while back to be fair Tim But thank you for sending it Now to remind me once Tim was on a colostomy bag Was it

He'd recently got one attached, hadn't he when he last wrote? I think so yes, I think so, and he was telling us about about what it was what it was like and so Tim says, dear Pee Pee and Poo Poo great

but spelled P-I-P-I and P-U-P-U Pee Pee and Poo Poo I-U. I'm poo-poo. I mean, we are the colostomy bag of podcasts. We are where all the poo and pee comes. Yes. Yes. So he says, my poo bag, colostomy bag, has been removed.

Ah, excellent. Excellent. And he owes it all to poo. I thought I'd share a couple of stories from the world of alternative pooping that happened while I had it. This is great. This is perfect for episode 100. A poo bag is no bad thing. Having it meant that I was nearly always in full control over when and where I deployed my poop. Right.

Right. As opposed to a more traditional anus. Yeah. That's something that a lot of American senators talk about, isn't it? The fight for the traditional anus. Yes. Yeah, the Democrats are launching an assault on the traditional anus. That's what Ted Cruz says anyway.

Democrats are launching an assault on the traditional anus. That's what Ted Cruz says anyway. As opposed to a more traditional anus where following dodgy food, one might occasionally be compelled to rush to a toilet in some haste. Ah. So he would not have had. No. No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would not have had Marcus's issue at all. No, no waste haste. Hmm. He says, The occasional loud farts emitted from my bag without notice injected joy into any situation. Wow. Like a little bagpipe.

Oh, yeah. I wonder how loud it is. I wonder how loud a stoma farts. Yeah. And for a period of six months I sported the cleanest bum hole in all of Christendom Of course That's not something you think about

Well that's it I think we mentioned it on the last one We had some anus questions Of course I always wondered About what it was like to reactivate your anus was it like when they try and bring back rambo for another mission yeah i was like someone who's just come like someone who's fresh out of rehab like very clean the hair's really tidy skin looks

great jumper yeah yeah jumper Big thick jumper I like Your anus is chopping wood In the wilderness In a helicopter lance You're a hard anus to find I don't do that shit anymore Literally We need you to come back

I know we didn't treat you the best way when you were around, but... We've got a curry night on Friday, and there's only one anus we know that can handle it. I don't do that shit anymore. Please. I had to leave. I was overstretched. Please Your sphincter needs to I had to leave I was overstretched

So So Tim enlightens us He says what they don't tell you is that despite the fact Your old fashioned anus is no longer connected to your gut You still occasionally do have to go to the toilet Wait Wait Okay right Why you still occasionally do have to go to the toilet. Wait, wait. Okay, right.

Why? So it's to pass a mucus normally added to your poo to help it along. Oh! And that's all that comes out of the old... So he's basically got another nose down there. It's a little bit of bum snot. He's blowing his downstairs nose. Yes, yes,

yes, yes. Oh my gosh. This puchus, he says. Very good, very good. This puchus continues its course, unaware that it's no longer required. I produced one of these on a commode in hospital

and imagined my surprise when I looked down to see that I'd passed what appeared to be a bird shit. Oh, God. Oh. Yeah. Wow. Um, for one time, after I'd had my... It must feel quite nice. I don't know.

Maybe it feels like a bit of a challenging one. If it's just a lovely slippery bit of mucus I think that would feel quite nice I don't know Because you don't have all the air you can get out of your nose Yeah, but I think it's the smoothness of the transition I'm imagining That would be quite nice But it's not solid, right?

Exactly, exactly But it's like a little gloopy Like a silky smooth oh i'm i think this that's it's even more difficult okay okay we'll have to beg to beg to do we'll agree to disagree on this because it's all based on pushing out solids right so if it's like goop it's like oh yeah it's half out good luck getting the rest out you know yeah okay okay all right um like imagine trying to blow your nose without being able to push any air through it

right right right right but yes yes yes i'm not sure what the uh what the mechanics are here yeah we're not anus mechanics we never claim to be no no no um he says once after i'd had my bag for a couple of months i decided I was well enough to start exercising again Oh great Once he had his bag off I got my bicycle out and I started Huh? This is two months after he'd had his bag off

No no no He says after I'd had my bag for a couple of months Oh I see I see I see He's telling us stories from the time of the bag Yes sorry sorry, sorry. I'm up to speed now. I decided I was well enough to start exercising again.

I got my bicycle out and started a ride of a few miles around the local countryside. After halfway around, I reached down to give my bag a quick feel and to my horror,

I discovered it was completely full and obviously on the point of bursting. Ooh! Oh. The cycling had filled the poo bag. I wasn't about to find out what happens if you do nothing in this situation.

I had to release the pressure, and quickly. Gosh. Yeah. There was a field gate coming up, so I dismounted and walked behind the hedge. After checking the coast was clear, I ripped open the Velcro holding the end together and poo burst forth in a torrent.

Wow! So you can go for a shit in a torrent. Wow! So you can go for a shit in a field the way that people from the Great Escape used to dump tunnel dirt. Just discreetly opening a little bag. Just shaking it down his trouser leg.

So he says he opens the bag it all bursts out going mostly on the grass but a little bit onto my leg and shoe. Oh no. I peddled home surrounded by a fecal cloud of shame. To be fair, the pamphlet included exercise and a list

of things that stimulate your gut to start moving things along, along with eating, thinking about food, and even orgasm. Really? Thinking about food? Well, orgasm I'm kind of surprised by. Well, I'm less surprised by orgasm because that's such a sort of, you know, such a tensing of the muscles. I guess. I've just never...

And this is a very Bud Pod sentence I'm about to say, Phil. I've never cummed myself poo. That is a very bad pod sentence. I imagine it's more of the thing for ladies, right? I think they have more of an abdominal muscle tension reaction. Hmm. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Because, yeah, I'm also kind of basing that on my instinct based on the fact that ladies poop themselves when they give birth as well. That's true. Poor ladies. That's right. Good for the baby though. If you're a good husband, you're supposed to stand there and poop yourself in sympathy, I think.

That's right. That's right. Along with her. You have to say push, push to yourself. Yeah. No, no, darling, not you. So he says, anyway, fast forward a few months, and on the 31st of January, I awoke from my general anesthetic

and reached down to confirm that my poo bag had gone. And his anus had been reattached. Yes. It wasn't all plain sailing, though. At first, I no longer produced separate farts and poo. Instead, a substance I called fart poo kept arriving with almost no notice and great

frequency. Okay. Is this how the stomer now out his bum hole? No, this is back to the back to bum. Oh, great. I go back to.

We only said he's back to business. He's back to business. Yeah. Come on, boys. We're reopening the mine. Great. Wonderful. Yeah. Um, Come on boys We're reopening the mine Great wonderful After a week of white knuckled rides

On the toilet haunted by the spectre Of prolapse Oh fucking hell no thanks Yeah The spectre of prolapse is Haunting all of Europe That was Winston Churchill I think

Thankfully Haunting all of Europe. That's Winston Churchill, I think. Thankfully, my bum bum regained the ability to sort the wheat from the chaff, as it were, and more reasonable movements followed. Keep on pooping, Tim. How interesting that the anus has to sort of relearn its skills. It got rusty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It needed a sort of a rom-com style nurse

to kind of teach it to love again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fascinating. Well, thank you. It's great to hear you recovered there. And it's so fascinating to hear about the life of alternative pooping. Yeah, it's so fascinating to hear about the life of alternative pooping

yeah it's such a so many questions impossible to ask answered yeah yeah yeah because even if there was someone quite bold telling you about all this in real life you wouldn't go was it like a bird?

was it hard to poop it? could you poop it? I feel like a relative expert now. Yeah. I feel like I'll be at a dinner party and I'll say, someone will start asking these questions and I'll raise my hand and I'll go, let me just help you out there, my friend, and I'll

distribute this wisdom. We get an email from... Huh? I think we've fallen out of sync. Oh, I thought you said something. Anyway.

We get an email from Eleanor, who I think is the Eleanor we know from America. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So it's relating to something that we discussed in Summertime, and it says, read the idea of permanent records per correspondence episode. Yes, the American permanent record.

This is going to be on my permanent record. This is on your... You watch out, mister. It's going on your permanent record. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Eleanor says, Hello, British Petroleum. Which is good.

Nice, I like that. As an American listener, I want to confirm that the permanent record is a 100% real thing. What? I thought it was a total lie. I read a Michael Moore book that said it was a lie. The summer after I finished high school, I worked at my school's office affixing stickers with final grades and AP test scores to all the permanent records of the graduating class and then filing them away into storage.

In storage, there were records stretching back to the 1950s still on file. You're joking. Yeah. With notes on absences, detentions, etc. I have no idea what purpose these records actually serve, if any, but if you're some type of weird perv who needs

to look up who was truant in 1973, you absolutely can. Right. Gosh, it is permanent. But it's just a school that has it. Seemingly, yeah. So it has no value once you leave school. It doesn't mean anything anymore.

But they just have it forever. But I think you can ask about it. It always seemed to come up in American movies about political things back when it mattered what kind of person you were in an election. Right, right, right. Or like in detective stories. That is kind of perverse.

It's weird. It's very perverse for such a freedom-obsessed country. Yeah. This would make nothing but sense if we were talking about Germany. Yeah. This would make nothing but sense if we were talking about Germany. Yeah. It's like, here, this is a land where you can be wherever you want to be. Also, we can know exactly what days you were late at school forever.

Yeah. Who anyone can. They just have to ask. I also got to shred the documents in everyone's files which weren't part of the permanent record, she says, I also got to shred the documents in everyone's files Which weren't part of the permanent record, she says Which meant I surreptitiously read every single disciplinary note Or weird letter from a parent Ever associated with one of my classmates

I'm still amazed they trusted me with all that information Hi Pierre, hi Phil, hope you're doing well Stay hydrated, Eleanor Hi Eleanor, thanks for getting in touch Hope you're also drinking water That's nuts, isn't it? Or as you call it over there, water Water That is That's nuts, isn't it? Or as you call it over there, water. Water.

That's insane, isn't it? So bizarre. Yeah, it's like having a UCAS form for life. Yeah, God, just forever and ever and ever. There's no... I can't even imagine how different it would make your brain. Oh, and an email from... I mean, they've signed it with their full name, so...

Gregory Monk. It's a hell of a name. Lovely to get a letter from Gregory Monory monk it is great name really good he says maybe that's why he wrote it down it's like these guys gotta see this yeah he says a message the subject line is this is quite funny the subject line is a message from the past about poo and then it starts with hello this is Gregory Monk. That's like a World War II journalist. That is so funny. Hello, this is Gregory Monk.

This is Gregory Monk. What does Gregory Monk go on to say? That's so funny. It's like something, like you'd hear a clip from World War II about how they warned the French resistance that D-Day was happening. Hello, this is Gregory Monk. The swallows have returned from summer.

So, he says, Hello, this is Gregory Monk, the swallows have returned from summer. So he says, hello, this is Gregory Monk, currently listening at episode 13, working my way chronologically through the episodes. And if you do reference this in any way, it'll take me a while to actually hear it. Hello, hello from the past. Yes. So Gregory says, anyway,

presuming you're still referencing your friend who actively refuses to push while defecating Slow poo Episode 100 slow poo Remember that I thought it could be worth naming his lifestyle choice Naming his lifestyle choice Of not

Okay okay okay Yes of not pushing Of deliberately not pushing a poo Yes so he says there's growing interest in the practice of Fruitarians Ah yes of not pushing of deliberately not pushing a poo yes so he says there's growing interest in the practice of fruitarians ah yes of course that's the so that's when you have to you have to wait for you can't even harvest vegetables and fruits that you have to wait until they naturally fall off before you can eat them so they drop yeah yeah exactly um and he says i think it would be fair to refer to this man as a poo-t. Very good. Well, Gregory Monk has opened the question and he's answered it, and we're very appreciative of that.

You can always count on Gregory Monk to do that. That's right. Another solution delivered by Gregory Monk. this also works as given the amount of time it must take for him to finish his business it would make sense for him to try and only arrive at the toilet at a point at which it was low-hanging fruit yes yes yes as it were yeah yeah maybe you should wear sort of harem pants or I hope you're enjoying the future Gregory Monk Another mystery solved by Gregory Monk What a great name I think he's emailed in before

But maybe that's just the power of the name Gregory Monk Maybe that's just the power of the name Gregory Monk. Ah, maybe, maybe. Hmm. And we have a marvelous side quest sent in from Nick. Nick. Quick.

Here's Nick. Let's listen to Nick. So it's about a side quest. Mm-hmm. And it says Greetings Fit and P Okay It looks like it says

Greetings Fi and Pi Oh of course Yes Fi and Pi yeah that's good Greetings Fi and Pi Love the podcast a lifesaver during lockdown And praise redacted Thank you Nick here recent claim to fame

Outbid in the charity auction for Pierre's painting Of fellow comic Mark Watson Ah So this was a while ago Anyway, he says I bring news of a side quest Recently encountered by a friend of mine Let's call her Sarah because that is her name

Very good Very straightforward approach. Yes. One morning, Sarah was walking her dog past a block of flats when she heard noises emanating from a third-floor window. Mmm. She stopped and listened to what she described as a man in some sort of violent pain. A very side quest. This is a classic side quest.

An open window, the third floor, so you can't see in and... Ah! Ah! This terrible suffering. Yeah. Ooh! Being the conscientious person she is and one who works within the social sector...

Mm-hmm. So that's key. She feels the responsibility. Yeah, good on Sarah. She immediately phoned the emergency services Relayed her whereabouts and what she'd heard And then went home to get ready for work Side quest complete, right?

Wrong Oh Wrong She received a phone call later that morning From those who had attended the scene Ah A little update They rather abruptly informed her

that this had not been an emergency at all because the man had been found masturbating. No! Ah! This behavior was well known to everyone in the surrounding flats and she was wasting everyone's time by calling it in.

That is very good. That is excellent. That's like a a grand theft auto side quest that just ends up being a dirty joke at which point she said okay thank you and put the phone down it was an unwitting use of this particular phrase that i felt confirmed her story needed to be shared with the bud pod community keep on jacking it or they maybe shut the window next time excellent thank you thank you nick so so funny that is really funny oh my god that man needs help ah ah but imagine jacking it like that ah ah but also like this this guy so regularly just lies on his bed with the window fully open they're just going going ooooh, ooooh while he's just wanking away

to the point where everyone knows what it is and who's doing it and why. Oh my gosh. What a piece of psychic warfare to inflict on everyone you know. Yeah, because it's not illegal.

They can't make him stop. No stop And he probably wants to have to chat To a policeman about his wank That's probably part of it Yes Excuse me sir We've got reports of a disturbance here Oh yeah? What kind of disturbance?

Ah! Ah! Ah! Well Vigorous enough noises that someone a stranger who wasn't used to the uh the uh the concert felt moved enough to call the emergency services someone who works in the social services and i presume knows what noise people make when they're genuinely in distress yes she heard this man wanking and thought

that is agony if I've ever heard it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a situation 106. I know that from my work. Yes, yes. Yes, that's a code 4. Well, I think...

It's funny. I think that's a great... Well, I mean, that's an ideal one to end episode 100 on, one of literally jacking it. A story about someone who kept on jacking it to the detriment of his community. Yeah, a story about someone who became a notable community figure through jacking it.

In many ways, this podcast has also. Yes, yes, because Budpod not just kept jacking it, but kept jacking it loudly enough for everyone to hear. And the police have been called on us many times. And we're an object of concern for people who work in social services. Well, everyone, we did it. We did a hundred. A hundred little audio plops. They said it couldn't be done.

They said it shouldn't be done. Well, we've disproved them in one of those. And they said it pudent be bum. It pudent pee bum. They said it pudent pee bum. It's a very specific kind of Tourette's you can imagine it being a documentary

like ever since they hit their head they talk like this yeah very Channel 5 the boy who said it pooed in P-Bum the man with a toilet for a brain but thank you everyone for sticking with us for a hundred whole episodes can't imagine what it's done to you um god bless you god bless you everyone and here's to a hundred more and here's

to a hundred more thank you very much guys enjoy your week and uh stay safe goodbye bye bye keep jacking it baby