BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 102 - Correspondence From Our Valentines

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

The boys chat knock-off Halloween costumes, monk hair, Michael Jackson, This Cat Does Not Exist, BudPod's potential PSYCHIC POWERS, a holiday in Cambodia where someone forgot to pack a wife (but an old lady spooked him), nudists and the great Poo Urban Myth! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 102. Um, it's 102 something. Um, 100 and poo Dalmatians. 100 and poo Dalmatians. 100 and poo Dalmatians, the sequel? Yeah. The sequel to 100 and bum Dalmatians. Bum 100 and poo Dalmatians. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds right.

The scatological sequel to 101. 102. I mean, we're starting to get into these high numbers that, you know, the higher you get in numbers, the less they mean. You know, the first few numbers have a lot of significance. One, two, three. You know the rest. You know, the first few numbers have a lot of significance.

One, two, three. You know the rest. But when you get to, like, 100 obviously has a great significance. Past 100, like, they don't really mean so much. You're past your 69s. You're past your, maybe it's just 69, actually. Your 88, your fat ladies. You passed all the significant ones. And you're into the abstract realm of numbers, of high numbers.

Yeah. 101, to be fair. Room 101. This is podcasting 101. That's true, that's true Oh man, we completely missed that Last week This is Podcasting 101

This is how you do a podcast Guys, this series, this whole All of Budpod has actually been A how-to series on how to make The perfect podcast It's true And that's why every week we do another perfect one for you to learn. Until you learn.

102. Yeah, I think beyond that, I guess you just end up repeating the significant numbers from up to 100. So like 199 or whatever. It would be strange if someone had a really significant number that so like 199 or whatever. It would be strange if someone had a really significant number that was like 5403. What happened? Yeah.

What happened there? How are you finding the infinite nothingness, Phil, of lockdown? You know what? Actually, i have i have plenty that needs doing fortunately i'm doing a lot of cooking last night i made a monkfish curry i made a monkfish curry i just rummaged around to have a look at the spices that were in the kitchen threw in a a tin of um plum tomatoes you don't think that would work in a curry, but it was bloody delish.

I was just briefly trying to think there about, okay, Phil made a monk fish curry. Is that right? Yeah, a monk came over. He was looking for a new bubble. Yeah, you made Brother Francis search in a body of water. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For a curry. What is... Where did you... When you buy monkfish, is it in like a little fillet, like the rest of the fish, or do you have to buy a big boy? Or someone else bought it, and it was a bit gross, actually. It's a monkfish tail And it still had like A spine down the middle

Like a really hard thick spine Monkfish is a very ugly fish Although it has lovely flesh So then I had to Like real monks Yeah yeah ugly to look at but supple And delicious in the flesh. That's why they must be locked away.

That's a fun character, a guy who thinks that a monastery is just a sort of sexy prison. That's where they keep the men that are too beautiful for the rest of us. Are you sure about that? Yes! They keep the men that are too beautiful for the rest of us. Are you sure about that? Yes. Have you seen how many of them have a little bald circle in their hair? Was that the style? Or was it just like if you ended up naturally with that bald spot, you had to become a monk?

I think, well, so they cut a tonsure in deliberately to show humility. What's a tonsure? That's what it's called, a tonsure. How funny. And it's precisely where the Jewish skullcap goes. Yes, it does have something to do with, like, humility before God or to forswear fashion or, you, or, or, you know, the skull cap is a much more reasonable solution.

I'll just put this on here. No need for me to cut it off, but you know, while I'm talking to you, I'll cover it up. Sure. Well, that's why your friend and mine,

uh, John Kearns, his, his wig that he wears on stage is a tonsure wig. Yes. So it must be from like, um, uh a monk halloween outfit or as it would be in the shop holy man because for some reason monk is a trademark a registered trademark you find out it wouldn't be monk yeah it would be i love i love halloween costume get around

names foreign correspondent for Borat and like Woodland thief yes very good what would be another good one

metal adult metal adult like tin man no well i was going for iron man i was just going through like the marvel canon oh iron man i would say um uh billionaire android okay yeah I would say Billionaire Android Okay This is quite a good game This is a good game We've been looking for a new thing for people to send in I don't know how many people

Are going to costume shops now I'm not sure how many costume shops are even open But if you find lying around your house A picture of Yellow Bald Father costume... Oh, Yellow Bald Father's very funny. Is there a character that it's kind of impossible to do for? I was just thinking Michael Jackson. I'm sure I've seen Michael Jackson.

What's it called? Strange Dancer or something. I don't know. I mean, to be fair, that's a pretty good description of him. If people said, who's that strange dancer? You'd eventually guess Michael Jackson. Maybe Michael Jackson, I would put it as shape-shifting pedophile. Okay, okay.

I'm not sure you'd sell many. Yeah, but the people would know what it was. The people would know what it was, okay. I'm not sure you'd sell many. Yeah, but the people would know what it was. The people would know what it was, yeah. You'd have to make sure not to... It also makes him sound like a predator, like from a different planet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Was that why he kept having plastic surgery?

It was just repeatedly a disguise. Yeah, his old form was starting to fall apart. Yeah, he had to hatch into a new form. Yeah. This isn't even my final form yet. Hee hee! That's why some of his dance moves don't look like things human bodies should be able to do. Yeah, and it's why he was screeching ow all the time,

because it's his form trying to burst into its original shape. Ow! And he'd grab his crotch to push all the alien goo back inside the human's skin suit. Yeah. Ow! On his planet, Shamone is a swear word. It hurt to dance, that's why.

Shamone is just a fuck. Fuck. Oh, boy. What is Shamone? oh boy what is shimon come on isn't it come on come on come on is that what he's saying literally i've never had a clue what he was saying it's come on come on yes come on that's that's one of the most cringeworthy aspects of like pop music I find is when people are like exhorting themselves and they can't enunciate anymore

no no exhorting oh okay like when they go let's go or um come on let's do it I'll make some noise it's so 80s Yeah, it's very naff You get it in a lot of glam rock as well

Where they're like, let's have a party tonight Well you're in charge of that It's always the point of I don't always like a live Musical performance I tend to find the studio recordings Are there for a reason They're the best ones They're the ones I spend many times trying reason they're the best ones, they're the ones I've spent

many times trying and they're usually the best rendition of the song but from time to time I try my best to enjoy a live musical performance but no matter how well I'm doing, the second they go let's make some noise I just go

no, and I cannot enjoy it anymore, like I can't I can't be seen to just do whatever this person tells me to do and I get embarrassed when everyone around me goes woo like you're a grown adult you can't you just do whatever you're told

it's pathetic I just find it funny that even someone like Michael Jackson was sort of telling himself, like, yeah, whoa, keep going, me. Yeah, yeah, he's talking to himself. Come on. You can do it. Don't let them see your true form.

Come on. see you true form come on yeah he tried to write the song thriller as a confession and it just worked just everyone went this is a great halloween song and he went oh is it october yeah well at the end of that video when he turns and he's got the yellow eyes, he's like, this is my coming out moment. And then everyone just went, wow, cool effects. And he went, oh, no. But he had to play along. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we had a great visual effects guy.

Yeah. Yeah, he'd be a strange dancer. Strange dancer. yeah he'd be a strange dancer strange dancer what would your what would your costume be pierre for when they make the bud pod halloween costumes what would your costume be called oh man that's a great question oh god um toilet clown oh okay so with Toilet Clown We're going for a more like generalistic I was trying to think of something to do with my velvet jacket Oh yeah yeah yeah

That's what I wear on stage Back when stages were a thing Velvet Fool Yeah Velvet Fool's good After Dinner Fool Something good. After Dinner Fool, something like that. After Dinner Fool. Yes. How about you?

Well, I'm currently, my current on-stage attire, which I wear three times a year currently on average, because that's when gigs are, is I like my sweatshirts now My cool East London sweatshirts But I've always got the big glasses Like Serial Killer Joker Or Serial

Serial Serial Killer No killer joker or serial serial uh serial killer clown no amusing ned flanders amusing ned flanders is good let's go with that i remember the first time you saw me wearing a jumper you said uh it looked like i quit drinking yeah Yeah, maybe you slicked your hair back as well. And buttoned a collared shirt all the way up or something, yeah. Blessings of Christ

be with you, friends. You haven't seen me in months. Yeah, and we're like, I guess this is better than the alcoholism, but I'm not sure. It could be better. We'll have to wait and see. Well, shall we try and get through some more correspondence this episode seeing as nothing is really occurring it's funny to be in a time of it's funny to be living in an era that is completely historic and also like

nothing's happening. I guess it was the First World War as well. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, just sitting or living through it at home. Yeah. But yes, let's do some Corey Sponedones.

Ring letters. Emails. Phone numbers. Ring letters. Keep emails. Email. Phone. Telegram. To be jacking your sister. Keep a streetcar. Feel. To keep.

Ring letters. Correspondence. Okay. Let's see what horrible things the church of nasty little boys and nasty little girls have brought to us this week. It's pretty good. So Tom gets in touch. Tom!

Mi hombre! And he says, Hey, Budpod. If you remember, we discussed the website thispersondoesnotexist.com Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The AI-generated faces that are not real.

Yeah, it's very chilling. So he says, I went on thispersondoesnotexist.com and noticed a couple of other options. Horses, cats, art, and elements. Really? Elements? He says the elements one is boring as fuck. Well, it's just like rocks. I don't know.

But he says the horse and cat options, however, produce some of the creepiest images I have ever seen. Whoa, what the heck? That said, it's good to know that these weird collapsed bony fur melts don't exist. See attached. Yeah, they are. I'm gonna see if I can look it up now.

That is... This person does not exist. I did not know there was a horse... I mean, it's just a page with a woman. For God's sake. I'm going to forward you the email so you can see the attachments. Thank you.

This person does not exist. Horse. This X does not exist. This cat does not exist. This cat does not exist. This rental does not exist. There's like homes and stuff. Yeah, I've just sent it to you. Yikes.

Maybe technology's actually gone too far. I'm mainly... This vessel does not exist. There's vases. Ooh. The cats and horses, though, Phil, are the main thing. They look like the creation of demons.

Okay, I'm looking at it. Ugh! The horse is horrible. It's like you don't know... Ugh! Yuck! This cat does not exist.com. Ugh! Yeah, the This cat does not exist.com. Ugh!

That's what it was. Yeah, the cats are really disgusting. They look like someone's taken a cat and snapped their bones and melted them a bit. Yeah. Ugh. Horrible. I hate this. Really?

Yeah. Disgusting. Disgusting. The face, the human faces ones are much more effective. Yeah, they haven't figured out cats yet as much. But they will. They will. So thank you for that. That was horrible. Tom, we enjoyed that.

Michael gets in touch. Michael, don't be shy, Cole. don't be shy, Cole. Don't be shy, Cole. Greetings, butt plugs, he says. I think we've had that before. I do like it and I'm glad. Or maybe we haven't. I don't know. He says, active

Pistorian here. Great. Like so many pre-teen fantasy heroes and so many paint-by-numbers paperbacks, I ask that you please brace yourselves for that quintessential revelatory moment of your very own, in which it is understood for the first time

that a deep and mysterious magic is coursing through you, and perhaps always has been. Wow. Hmm. Allow me to explain. I will, Michael. I will. Terry. Allow me to explain. I will, Michael. I will. Terry Pratchett over here.

Yeah. You see, as has become a habit, I will often find myself listening to a podcast or two as I prepare for bed. Almost always carefully selecting a timer to terminate the streaming at the end of whatever episode is playing, should I fall asleep. Okay. I don't understand people who can do this,

who can go to sleep with some noise going on, but if we can help you drift off into Slumberland, fine. I can't do this anymore, but I did and indeed basically had to for my whole teenage years. Really? What did you listen to? Just any podcast. Battle noises.

Huh? Battle noises. The clash of steel. Screams of dying men. Wow, okay. screams of dying men um wow okay yeah yeah i need i need pure silence and the blackest dark yeah you you have to sleep like um your sleep routine is the closest to anyone i i would imagine is someone who's on a space station. Yeah. Right. Where there is no night or day, so you have to simulate it.

Okay, that's true, yeah. Yeah. It's like you're on a permanently lit planet, and you're full of people going, blah, blah, blah, just shouting. That's right. It's like I live in Iceland, and I just have to put a velvet hood over my head

to completely cut out all the light and all the sound. It's like you live in Iceland inside a big clockwork device. And you're just desperately trying to muffle the sound of all the gears or whatever. Anyway. Scheichel says

last night the two of you accompanied me to my chambers That's such a funny way of putting it That's very funny Last night the two of you accompanied me to my chambers

Previously addressed imperatives to koji aside there was very uh there was unfortunately very little that might be called sexual about the audio threesome as i lay down that's very funny so i've got a bit of liquid stuck in my back of my throat okay i think I'm alright. I think I'm alright. Yeah. Alright. So, he's lying in bed and he's listening to Bud Pot, right? Mm-hmm.

And he says, I began to feel drowsy. Oh, yeah. That would be our mellifluous tones. Yeah. Comforted and entertained, I let myself drift off, the two of you carrying on about literal shit without me. One detail of note is that I have been sleeping

on a hardwood floor, given the lack of air conditioning and the summer's heat trapped in the loft where my bed normally is. Ah! Ah! Expert foreshadowing Has you already aware I did not this time select a sleep timer

As per the usual So he Okay so he didn't put a timer on the podcast Okay And so this night The shit talk carried on as the waning moon Sailed from horizon to horizon My subconscious

The vulnerable plaything of beloved characters all, Uncle Christmas, Shitty Pussy, and vomit and poo-poo combinations of legend. This is very good, very well done. I forgot about Uncle Christmas. I've forgotten about Shitty Pussy. I've no idea what these things are.

Shitty Pussy, the woman who shat her own pussy. I have no idea what these things are. Shitty pussy? The woman who shat her own pussy? Oh, jeez, of course. Fucking hell. They say the mind can forget any trauma, Phil. So he's... All these visions are dancing like sugar plums in his head, Phil.

Yeah. Poor guy. He says, I awoke, rested, rested, and sticking to the floor. Like, literally. The sheet underneath me had shifted, and so had the contents of my bowels. No. No, come on. This is too perfect. A warm and gooey paste had glued cheeks to cheeks and cheeks to flooring is is shankle trying to say that our podcast made him shit himself overnight

so he says flies had come through the open window to inspect the scene typical morning fogginess turned to confusion. A putrid smear traced out the movements of my sweet sleep, exposing overnight restlessness and a timeline for the sewage. Whoa. No suspicious eating or illness could explain the dawn's icky gift. No history of unconscious expulsions to point to. What power is this that your voices could provoke nature's call?

Wow. Our podcast is one long brown note. Is that what Tri-Colour is saying? Is it the uncoolest, coolest superpower? Or your podcast a conduit to the ancient brown sauce? Like the source of a great river. Our podcast is the source of all shit and piss. Let excitement grip every listener who now dreams of where these powers might bring you both.

Conflict, prestige, or Christ-like martyrdom. Please consider your tremendous gift responsibly. Yours, charmed, hexed, blessed, or Christ-like martyrdom. Please consider your tremendous gift responsibly. Yours, charmed, hexed, blessed, or cursed, Michael. Really, really excellent email, Michael. Really well written. And what a story. I mean, you know how people used to go to sleep listening to a French lesson, and they wake up and they speak French?

We're like that, but for shit, apparently. You put us on overnight and you'll just shit. You will learn to shit subconsciously. If you're constipated, you can get this on prescription from the NHS, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get

four episodes a day. No more for an adult. No more than four episodes a day. No more for an adult. No more than four episodes a day. But take that once a day and you will start shitting. And not on an empty stomach. No, no, no.

Man, what an incredible thing to happen. Isn't that amazing? I mean, I'm sure it's... I wouldn't be surprised if it is connected. It must be connected. Maybe it was like he just kept hearing our voices saying, poo, poo, poo, and then... Maybe we should start leaving little hidden messages in there.

Yeah. So we end up with an army of our sleepiest listeners. An army of knackered insomniacs. Man. There's also a nice flashback to

that horrible hot summer. Yes. A summer so hot that his poo stuck him to a floor. And I hate the fact he had to sleep like a samurai. Yeah, yeah, like I said. Just with his arms folded. Super disciplined, apart from his anus. Man, that's incredible. What power, what strange power

we wield. I don't know what to do with this power. Mount a coup or something. You'd hope. You'd hope. Mount a coup. So Adam gets in touch. Adam!

Go up and Adam I guess. Up and Adam. The subject of his email is a shitty day hyphenated a shitty day in Cambodia. And I think what Adam's trying to do here, and I want to give him credit for it, is he's trying to parody the Dead Kennedy song A Holiday in Cambodia. And he's gone with a shitty day in Cambodia.

Yeah, presumably because the story involves shit. Yep, and the country of Cambodia. Yes. I'd be surprised if it didn't involve either of Indeed both of those things Sure, I'm intrigued So, he says Dear PNP

I've put off writing Because I've been intimidated by the quality Of the name puns and the writing of your correspondence Also the actual shitting In my story is to some degree vanilla. The context and cause is more important, but I'm not sure that cuts it. And yet my thumbs keep typing.

I like imagining him typing only with his thumbs. With one thumb. Just with two thumbs, just like not letting his fingers do any of the work, just the thumbs. Like, oh, I guess he's typing on his phone. Yeah, I was wondering.

Right, I was picturing him at a computer keyboard just using his thumbs. That would be like jazz hands, like fingertips up in the air. That's a fun way to type. That's how mimes or clowns type, maybe. Where were we? So he says, yes, and yet my thumbs keep typing. I like this kind of mournful sort of American Civil War letter Dickensian tone. I like it.

Not wanting to write to us, but finding he has to. Yeah, opening with an apologia. Many years ago, I was an academic researcher. I had secured most of the data I needed, but I wanted to get some from communities in Southeast Asia. Oh. Yeah. I'm listening. I networked and emailed until I secured the support in Cambodia and help of a local master's student to carry out interviews.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got through ethical review, sorted out permits, spent a week with a student developing plans and techniques, and we found a rural village we could visit reasonably easily and safely. Very nice. could visit reasonably easily and safely. Very nice. Arriving by bus at the nearest large town, we bought a week's worth of dried fish, bottled water, and other food to protect my weak Western constitution.

Nice. Dried fish and water. Yeah, dried fish and water. Incidentally, that night we stayed in town on the Thai border. I wandered into our room to drop off my bags. Returning to the entrance, I found

my poor colleague being looked over by a short, broad, fat prop forward of a man booming, Wales! It's God's own country, boy! I saved the poor terrified master student by having a short chat with this presumably sex tourist about Cardiff and the environs this presumably sex tourist

the next morning we paid for two chaps on two scooters to drive us the remaining three hours on the motorway and mud track to the village. No helmets, my backpack between the driver's knees, a week's worth of water under one arm, and the other holding onto my hat. We wobbled our way in. I love the slightly colonial language of two chaps on scooters.

They're good fellows but don't ask them to tell you anything about the local area they can't speak a spot of the queens I love it very good we wobbled our way in I was going to get great lengths and some trouble

to make sure I had all the food and drink I needed arriving in this beautiful village we arranged to sleep on the floor of a house physically alongside a large number of builders working to erect some other houses nearby. Okay. We then had nothing to do for a long time, and I could only speak to my colleague, the master student, although there was an old mute lady who used a rudimentary sign language to chat a little. Oh. Yeah.

Like in a horror movie. Yeah, but otherwise it was quite lonely to be surrounded by people I couldn't talk to. It's like me in a pub when the football's on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing. They speak this strange language. I got bored. Too quickly. And then, wandering around, someone asked me something in a friendly manner.

My colleague translated, Would you like to try some local food? Oh, here we go. Here we go. It was a large, open cauldron of delicious-looking noodles. Ooh. Yeah. Every. Yeah. I bet there's something strange.

I bet there's something strange in there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every sensible part of my brain screamed no. However, he says, the part of my brain cultured since infancy

To politely accept food when offered Especially by poorer folk Screamed louder, yes Yes, absolutely And for reasons I still can't otherwise explain I ate them A few hours later In the blistering heat

Of the jungle's edge I found I suddenly couldn't keep warm. Ooh, oh no. Yeah. A little later, still, I was very hot, and this passed. Yeah. I went to bed, towards the back of the room,

on the floor, under a mosquito net, a sea of sleeping builders between me and the doors. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. And it started, the familiar and terrifying rumbling. Oh, God. Hour after hour, I would rise, tiptoe through the bodies, through the dark. Bears and tigers possibly in the jungle above.

To the open-air squat toilet to unleash my hellish fire hose of disease. Hour after hour. How many times has... Horrible. There's nothing worse than having like a difficult path to the toilet when you need it all night. Yeah, having to walk like a Scooby-Doo character

when you're trying not to shit yourself. You know those high knees like shaggy like oh i hate that horrible horrible horrible and you'd feel bad for the builders because you're like they're knackered from a day of building houses in the jungle and here comes poopy mcwhite face and you know you're waking some up you know you're waking them up so he says uh i lost count of how many successful journeys i made until i inevitably pebble dashed my shorts surrounded by sleeping builders oh fucking hell bagging and tagging them i carried on and somehow Eventually morning came around Oh god and you would have got no sleep You would have got no sleep

No And the The sting in the anus I felt okay Though still shitting But was aware that it was a long way to civilization On mud tracks on a scooter With no phone of any

kind. If I deteriorated quickly, things could go badly. Yeah. I mean, this is like old-school dying diarrhea. That's like... You realize how deadly diarrhea is when you don't have a little tap of drinking

water, like, in your room. Yeah. Yeah, exactly and and some salt if you're out in the jungle diarrhea oh no that's like all imagine just having to watch all the water you need just coming out of your ass yeah and and mixed with shit yeah you can't drink it anymore because it's not making me get it back nope can't put it back in so he says for context my work means i'm usually desk bound but have worked for many years with full-on balls to the wall indiana jones characters ah okay so he says folk whose field work meant braving wild places for months on end snow nor

desert could stop my colleagues. I have close friends who have fever dreams riddled with malaria, treated in a shack by an alcoholic doctor, friends who survived days in the bush alone with broken legs. Others still have slept with lions gored by wild boar, sailed Antarctic waves and been bitten by leopard seals. Yeah, I'm sure. Their stories are legion and

legend nice one day in a relatively comfortable if remote village i was crippled by a deadly mix of politeness perverse politeness boredom and noodles so yes danger comes in different forms yeah yeah yeah i would i would say diarrhea oh i don't know actually yeah well yeah it comes in different forms so he's it's the next day and he feels a bit better right or at least it's the morning so he's walking. So, he's walking around the village, and he says, I met the nice old lady who couldn't speak. Oh, yeah. The lady pointed at me,

and then splayed her fingers behind her bottom, and mimed an arse spraying freely into the wind. mimed an arse spraying freely into the wind. So she an old lady heard him in the night. Never mind the builders. I'm picturing this

old lady as a sort of studio Ghibli grandmother. A sort of cheeky, twinkly eyed maybe she's a witch? Yeah, she looks like the witch from Spirited Away. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what I'm seeing. So she's pointing at this guy and then

going like, making the ass spray mine. Ha? Ha? So she's doing that, right? Yeah. And he says, I nodded. She mimed, counting on her fingers and sprayed from her behind multiple times so she's she's asking how much now right okay yeah how much shitting i flashed 10 fingers and then i flashed 10 fingers more and i shrugged

I flashed ten fingers, and then I flashed ten fingers more, and I shrugged. I like that shrug at the end, like, what are you going to do? Yeah. She slowed, and her face became a grim mask. She pointed and drew a finger across her throat. This is what I'm talking about, man. On the Jungle Diaries, there's no laughing matter, although we are laughing at the matter now.

Well, we're laughing at the incredible, like, cinematic old lady. Yeah, yeah. This lady watches too much TV. This lady's just going, hey, you were shitting. Like, yeah, I was shitting. How often were you shitting? Oh, I shat

like 20 times. You will not last until the sun. I love it. Pointing at someone and then drawing your finger across your throat. Like a pirate. Yeah, I love it. That's amazing. So he gets this ominous portent from the old crone.

Unless she's saying, I will kill you for shitting that much in my village. Maybe it was a threat. Yeah, she was saying, that wasn't you for shitting that much in my village. Maybe it was a threat. Yeah, she was saying, that wasn't a toilet, that was my garden. And there was so much shit, I wasn't sure if it was the builders or you. So he says, So as the coward I am I made plans to find a porcelain toilet

Back at the border with opportunities to see a doctor If needed Fair enough I pumped myself with drugs To bung up my arse And braved the three hours on a scooter journey To find a toilet I could more happily die on A squat toilet is great But if you want a little privacy

uh some support you're going to spend more than a few hours a day on it yeah oh you want a little privacy or some support if you're going to spend more than a few hours a day on it that's right yes i get you boringly i made it back to town without redecorating the wheels of my bike I've never loved an en suite toilet more and we became intimate for a wild but short lived relationship

a whirlwind romance certainly a whirlwind as it turned out a few days rest and I was up and about although my time was up all was reasonably okay

the visit was not a total loss as my student heroically carried on the minimum number of interviews but still i've been tested and found wanting yeah man it can like a stomach bug a bit of food poisoning it can take you out i think have i spoken about mine on here when i think so i think i ate some off prawns or something and i was just shitting and puking for 24 hours straight i couldn't stand up i was like quivering like oh god that's horrific man so bad adam says i i sort of think i made the sensible choice in retreat but i know in my heart that my braver friends would have shrugged it off put on a nappy and roughed it out koji adam i don't know i think like i think it's easier to keep going with like a sawn off foot than it is

with a bad bout of stomach poisoning like because your whole body just like shuts down you can't even really move you're all you have no energy you're like you're you're you're confused you have like hallucinations i was hallucinating when i was when i had my stomach bug it's really bad what did you hallucinate oh i can't remember now It's really bad What did you hallucinate? I can't remember now It must have been like voices And like not sure what was a dream

And what wasn't Because you just kind of fade in and out of Kind of consciousness Yeah Bad mojo Just mad swirly dreams But great I don't huh great email really good email great email i don't know if i ever want to go to the jungle yeah i mean i've i've been for small bouts um and it's kind of fun

but i don't like having to look over your shoulder 24-7 for something that could poke its little tentacles into you or bite you or make you very sick. We're not supposed to be there. Yeah, you're supposed to be in the bit that isn't full of things that want to kill you. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I just Yeah, I just I don't know, you and I both don't like the heat And it seems like the hottest place Like the desert seems like it would be more comfortable

Almost I guess in the jungle you get some shade You do get shade That's true, but the Humidity Yeah, that's the thing You do get shade That's true But the humidity Yeah that's the thing Tom gets in touch with A very nice email

Another Tom Another Tom Tom Tom He says hello gentlemen The first thing is A thank you To you Phil I can read out the thanks Paragraph Phil or I A thank you to you Phil And I can read out the thanks paragraph Phil

Or I can forward it to you and say praise redacted It's up to you Read it out I feel like being praised today The first is a thank you for Phil Last year I was very depressed And I had the worst month of my life in January 2019 Wow

I wonder how many worst month of my life in january 2019 wow okay how many worst months of lives are january i think the one of the worst months of my life was a january i guess we've said this before it's always buoyed by our birthdays which are in january we have a birthday which is a bit of a filter yeah but i mean in general it's in the northern hemisphere it's a pretty crappy month like you so rarely hear people go, God, that was the worst sizzling July of my life. Yeah, you're never like, ah, the January of 73. No one's ever said that in anything. So, worst month of his life.

And he says, I'm not sure how or why it happened, but my crutch was Phil's 15 minute set on the netflix show the comedy lineup ah i'm so glad yeah on one particularly bad day i watched the set 43 times no no way you must know you better than you know yourself by now 43 times that's amazing i think that means that if you become a serial killer, Tom is the one to track you down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knows me better. Yeah, like I know where he is. There's a bit where he's looking at other clues and he remembers a bit of my stand-up

and he goes, I know where he is. And then the next scene is like me at a reservoir and there's an off-camera voice saying I don't know uh i never learned how to skip stones because i've been skipping stones and i turn and it's him it's like how do you know i'd be here yeah joke number four in your comedy lineup special you mentioned a reservoir of this particular name um wow that's that's incredible i've not seen them that i don't think

i've performed that material 43 times i don't think i've said it myself that many times that's amazing yeah he says it was a real lifeline for me when i was feeling particularly out at sea so i just wanted to say thanks pal for inserting some laughter into my darkest days well that's great that's really so nice to hear yes it's amazing how comedy can do that it really is even even when you know you don't you don't particularly set out to make something that can help someone in their darkest days how do you even how do you even do that you can't even imagine what someone could possibly you know could potentially be going through but yeah it's funny i guess it's sometimes just like the reminder that

that oh hmm that things can get better things have been better things are better i think it's a reminder of the potential nate i think it's the reminder of the temporary nature of of your your low moments yeah and and also i think it's better than other forms of even comedy because stand-up is always like a bit cynical and you can sort of go hey yeah when you're watching it that's it and that's what yeah it's a cynicism of it i mean which is always spoken of as a sort of negative word cynicism but it's a cynicism of comedy that i always found lifeline when i was a depressive sort of lonely feeling teen the idea was if you watch a sitcom where everyone's like uh hey room for one more and then like applause yeah that's not you know

that's how aliens interact it's less real that's right that's right now Stand-up is the good one So Where were we? Ah yes, he says I've listened to Budpod religiously for the past 8 or 9 months and been trying to think of good stories to tell you guys, but it's hard It's hard, it's hard

I'm intimidated to send in stories They're so good Recently though, someone wrote in about the girl who wears her dad's boxes as pyjamas oh yes oh I'm so glad

this is bothering other people because it bothers me no end episode 73 for anyone who hasn't heard that one horrific oh yeah For anyone who hasn't heard that one. Horrific. Oh yeah. What did someone say about it? So someone wrote in about a girl who wears her dad's boxes as pajamas as a response to the girl who wears her brother's.

From episode 57. Yeah. Ugh. And it reminded me of someone i knew in my past when i was a teenager i knew a girl whose family were always described as a bit different right never never a good thing they're a bit different yeah whereas like i i think i think it's important to emphasize for any of our listeners not in the uk that um in the, if you say someone's family, if you say like, oh, the Smith family, they're a bunch of freaks. That'll be because they don't have Yorkshire puddings on their Sunday roast. Yeah.

Whereas if you say, oh, yeah, they're a bit different. It's something huge. Yeah. They're family of serial killers. Yeah. So. They're the Manson family. Yeah.

Yeah. So he says, obviously obviously when someone dangles bait like that it's impossible not to try and find out what is up and it turns out this family are all happy as Larry to walk around their home stark bollock naked oh one of these the naturalists this is a nuclear family with two daughters and just throughout their teenage years the entire family would wander around the house naked a nuclear family with two daughters and just throughout their teenage years the entire family would wander around the house naked a nuclear family with two daughters and yeah well you and i pierre we knew someone at university who had whose parents weren't naturalists or naturists or whatever but she was yeah and so she'd just be in the house fully clothed and her folks are coming. Do you want some tea? Just bollies dangling in the breeze.

Yeah, just becoming like, just so perfectly familiar with your own parents' nude bodies. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's quite good for you. Like maybe then, you know, your kids could be like, Dad, is that a new mole?

Yeah. Yeah, very low cancer rates in naturalist families they they always catch it they always catch in time yeah so he says this didn't limit itself to walking from bathroom to bedroom oh no they would on occasion eat dinner naked or they had even been known to be naked while guests were present. And we're talking other teens. That is mad. And on the whole, I'm like, it's fine to walk around your house naked, but the problem I have is the sitting down on things. Just bare ass.

And I mean, they're going to the toilet. You go to the toilet. You don't take any clothes off because you're already naked. You do a poo. You wipe it, I presume, to the best of your abilities. And you get up. And then you go and you sit down on your other dining table.

Can you imagine having dinner with someone naked? And they go, pardon me, just off to the powder room. And they're gone for, let's say, eight minutes. And they come back and they're like, anyway, where were we? And they sit back down on their chair. And you're not going to be able to think about anything else. What if you could, like, they came back and you could smell their ass? Awful.

And you're going to have to bend over to pick things up. And, you know, man. But also, like, first of all, yeah, let's hope that the chairs don't have, like, you know, like, carpeted cushions. Yeah, just bright white linen. But also, like, never mind the shitting, like, what if they're just having a really big dinner and they just start farting up a storm?

They're just spraying shit particles all over the chair. Without even the rudimentary filter of a pair of pants and some jeans. They're smoking filterless cigarettes. Gosh, but like doing it when other people's kids are around and teens and stuff.

I wonder if that's even legal. Yeah, that's a question, isn't it? Is it legal to smoke your filterless tips around your daughter's friends. Yeah, that is odd. He says, I'm not going to dispute the creepiness of the boxer-sharing daughters and

sisters of this world, but I think I would be happier knowing that a girlfriend was comfy in her dad's boxers than comfy in his naked presence. Interesting. think the boxes thing is worse somehow i think it's worse i was gonna say i i at least with like a nudist thing it's like well you were raised this way and it's a kind of a belief i don't know and it's also her pants it's her dad's choice to be naked in front of her like what are you gonna do But the pants are her choice to wear.

Yeah, she's gone, oh, you know what I'd love to wear? My dad's old bolly pants. Yeah. I'm suspicious of someone who's so able to separate an article of clothing after it's been extensively cleaned from what it was. Yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Like people who wear suits that have come from corpses. Yeah, or like people who can put sex toys in the dishwasher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much belief do you have in cleaning products? Yeah.

And you sort of like, look, it doesn't matter that the dishwasher goes up to like 100 degrees it's the principle of it is the principles like i know scientifically chemically you're probably right but it doesn't it's it's it's about the message you're sending yeah you're you're correct on an atomic level i'm correct like sociologically like i'm not walking like walking around the house stirring my coffee with a butt plug i'm correct in the eyes of god yeah although i would like to see that what god come and say you are correct

no no someone someone just walk around stirring their coffee with like a sex toy it's the one i use for this oh man man but i mean yeah the nudist parent thing is also not ideal um no uh no i i it's not ideal but yeah i think i think the idea of someone going like i wear my dad's underpants it's like well then it's kind of like you're touching it as well whereas in the nudist thing you're not necessarily like here dad let me hold your dick while you piss or whatever yeah yeah horror show that could be going on i wonder how cold it needs to get for a nudist to put some clothes on like when they go hey look this is i just need this all right and do they have to explain do they have to say i'm still a nudist but it's just it's it's minus two degrees right now what if they just wear like a big fur coat like our caveman might have uh okay okay okay yeah and

so they're still getting all the the cold air flapping through their their bollies their bollies and danglers. What was our caveman character? Oh, it was Grandma Caveman, wasn't it? Grandma Caveman? Is it something about drinking gin and going, ugh, what was that? Yeah. Gosh, man. Oh, Pop Fizz Clink. Pop Fizz Clink.

That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Grandma Caveman, Pop Fizz clink pop fizz clink that's it yeah yeah yeah yeah grandma caveman pop fizz clink me like pop fizz clink yeah what episode was that oh i think pretty early oh it might have been in the description instead of the title. I'm not sure. Now, so then the rest of the email Tom has sent us is, I have to say, and this is no criticism of you, Tom, because I've heard the story told to me as well. It is an urban legend, but it's a good one. Okay, yes, I like an urban legend.

So Tom was told this by a friend at uni, as was I. Oh, lovely. But as if it was true, right? Yeah, yeah. And maybe it was true at some point, but anyway. This is the oral tradition. Yes, very much so. He says, I couldn't send this email in good conscience

without including a poo story. I personally do not have many. I am one of the steel-bowled among us and have never knowingly shit myself in zany circumstances. Well, consider yourself lucky. Or, in the context of this podcast, unlucky. Yeah. And he says, I do have a story from a friend, though. Whilst at university, a friend of mine went on a night out and met a woman.

I want to know if you've heard this before, so stop me if you have, Phil. I'll be interested. Sure. It goes on a night out, meets a lady. They went back to her place, and she took him to her bedroom. He found it strange that her bed and much of the surrounding floor space

was covered in plastic sheets. Right. No, I don't think... This is a drunk, horny 20-year-old man we're talking about, and of course he didn't stop to question it. Yeah. While they were doing the devil's dance... in the bed,

the woman was fumbling about for something in the dark and produced a sex toy. Ah. Fresh from the dishwasher. As previously established, he was young was young drunk and horny and didn't question the presence of the plastic fiend oh the plastic fiend now being a sex toy not the sheets yeah that was an error on his but the plastic fiend is another good name for the Michael Jackson costume. Yeah, it was very good. Plastic Fiend.

So, that was an error on his part, as she very quickly shoved the toy into his anus and pulled it out, without warning him or discussing it. I mean, that's not on, is it? So he's describing an in-and-out motion. Okay. As she removed it, floods of shit came tumbling out of his body. All over the plastic sheets and the lady.

He got up in a panic, startled by what had happened, and watched in horror as the young lady rolled around in the tidal wave of ground fury. I think I have heard some version of this story, yes. So the version I've heard is the lady puts a whole towel, or like a little hand towel or something up the ass. A hand towel? Some kind of towel or like shoves the towel up his ass

and then like says it's part of some sexy game and then just yanks the whole towel out and yanks a load of shit with it. Whoa. I mean, it's very possible that these are just true stories of women with similar proclivities. I don't know. I mean, I guess when you hear about

someone who likes poo in a sexy way, it's always a man. And there must be women out there hiding in the forest. There must be. Is this the only way they can get their fix? Why can't they find a poopy man? Also, why is it never the poopy people who find each other?

Why is always one poopy person tormenting some innocent horny teen? Like a sort of goblin figure. Yeah, that's the character in every horror story, isn't it? An innocent horny teen. Yeah. Yeah, I think we should stop horny shaming you know yeah also like nothing wrong with being horny there's nothing wrong with being horny and i i'm afraid to say phil that the main reason i'm skeptical of this this story whenever i've heard it is that i don't know if uh young women are so confident that they're able to commit an actual crime.

Yes, a sexual assault. And not so confident as to just ask someone to do a big shit all over them. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, it just doesn't seem like the ladies to me. And we're not saying to any poopy ladies listening that we don't think you sound like a lady we just think you'd ask yeah it's not very ladylike to shove a dildo in my ass without asking and then roll around in the shit like a pig in the mud it's just not very like call me old-fashioned

that should be uh that should be what the guy said. That wasn't very ladylike. As he stood up and she's rolling around in the shit and he's there horrified. Well, that wasn't very ladylike. Won't see this on the BBC. With his hands on his hip shaking his head. Won't see this on the BBC. I'd like to see Laura Koonsberg talk about this for a change That's very funny

Oh man Anyways, keep up the good work and for the love of Christ, keep jacking it. Best wishes, Tom. Yeah, I mean, as opposed to rolling around and some shit on the floor, jacking it is hardly a naughty thing to do. Let's keep doing it.

I wonder where the rolling around comes from. Just want to get it everywhere. I don't know. Yeah. Do you think it has to be shit, or could they get it out of mud? I feel like they could just get some mud then. It's much easier to get mud than to get someone to come in and shit on you, isn't it? Yeah.

If that doesn't work, if I said that to them and they were like, no, no, no, then it's definitely more psychological than the feeling. Right, yeah. It must, but it is wrong and, you know, people, we're all told to, you know, hesitate before we call the sexual

precalivity wrong, but the poopy stuff is strictly speaking wrong in the sense that we are programmed to avoid human waste because it kills us, it gets you sick Yeah, it gets other people sick Yeah, well it gets

you sick if you get too close to it or you rummage around in it if you put it in your mouth, which is why we're programmed to find it gross, so there must be some Rummage There must be some badmage there must be some some bad wiring then to if if to overcome that inbuilt uh fear of of poopy stuff it's funny isn't it the kink shaming line i i remember this is ages ago on twitter but someone like took their gimp for a walk through like a mall and they're all dressed up yeah and it was all very like vivid and loads of people were like there are kids in the mall man

come on and then a load obviously obviously people on twitter like hey don't kink shame this gimp and his master or whatever yeah and you think yeah there's a social contract at a certain point well yeah this the kink shaming is separate from understanding what is private and what isn't the same reason you can't run around naked in a nursery school it doesn't mean you can't do it at home because there are different rules for at home and at a school. Yeah, I mean, the kink-shaming people, I think they're just a very loud minority. Yeah, and there's not like there's any other examples they can point to, like say,

oh, well, the gimp can't be taken for a walk and I'm allowed to just get my dick sucked in the middle of TGI Fridays. It's like, no. Nope, you can't do that either don't do that well good luck to all the anonymous horny young men out there and I hope you don't get

shit ripped out of your ass by a mysterious lady well some great great correspondence this week. I really enjoy that. Good work, everybody. And a real great show from the Toms today. A very good showing from the Toms.

The Tom community has really excelled this week. Yes, yes. And as with our generation or anyone under sort of 30 or 40 in the UK, there's a lot of Toms, Mats and Alexes and Jameses to compete against. I'm sure. I am sure. Oh. A couple of Bens.

Ben? Oh, there's some Bens in there? Sure. Yeah. But thanks so much, guys. That's great stuff. Thanks very much, guys. And keep safe out there.

Hope you... Oh, we didn't even talk about Valentine's Day. Oh, well. Doesn't matter. It's made up. And also, literally nothing happened. And nothing happened because nothing's allowed to happen because we're in lockdown. Lockdown.

Yeah. Okay. Koji, everybody. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.