BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 104 - Error 404

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

The boys chat errors and error books, companies being your mates, welcome Prince Harry and Meghan to the world of podcasting, energy providers and green guilt and PHIL WANG'S NEW BOOKS SIDESPLITTER AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER HERE! Make sure to buy signed copies so Phil is trapped in autograph prison:https://www.waterstones.com/book/sidesplitter/phil-wang/9781529379822 Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 104. I don't think 104 is anything other than what we said 103 was. Which is a number... Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is sort of the 104th airborne kind of thing. If you address the one... It reminds me a bit of error 404. Do you remember the days of error 404?

Oh, man, when webpages broke in that particular way. Yeah, God. Do they still... It's a page not found. Hardly ever now, right? Now you just get the Google dinosaur and a little... Oops! Because the internet's all cute now.

Back in the day, it was all very serious. Like, you were told the error. Yeah, this is the code. As if you had the manual next to you. And so we were all at home, apparently supposed to just leaf through the error book. Ooh, 404 and look it up. Honey?

Honey? Fetch my error book. But now everything has to be cutified and everything's top level. So, by which I mean, like, everything has to be cutified and everything's top level. By which I mean everything has to be consumer-facing. So now it's things like the Google Doodle going, Whoopsie! Looks like what you're looking for is in the upside down from Stranger Things. is in the upside down from Stranger Things.

Maybe you should get a cat or maybe your cat's walked all over your keyboard. I don't know about you. That's what I didn't know. It's like a kind of a fun little clip art version of Bill Gates where his nose is a sort of pink triangle in his face and he's saying i'm sorry we'll get some elves on this right away

the little christmas hat on all year round yeah something, something like that. Yeah, gross. Why is it that now that everything is just, everything's been getting worse for roughly 20 years, say. And the more things get worse, the more companies are supposed to, and these places are like our friends.

I'd rather things were better and you'd be very, very formal right okay but the companies have you know the no control over say the um the legacy of the iraq war sure but i um i mean the government as well where it's like i'm sure i'm sure there's some really good communications reasons for this but it still does irritate me in a pathetic way if you go on like the nhs website it uses the word tummy yeah no thanks no it always makes me go really is that easier do people not know what it would would someone who's really ill be looking at that going

stomach what the fuck is a stomach if If I went to my GP and they said Yeah, there's a problem with your tummy I'd be like, are you Dr. Nick? You pull his mask off, wait a minute It's a Scooby-Doo thing Hi everybody, oh, looks like your tummies are hurting There's a problem in your tummy there's a problem in this office you're not qualified i guess i remember back in the days of era 404 it was also the um

right after 9-11 when so you know the it was this peculiar time where the war on terror sort of began at the same time that people were starting to do satire on the internet and you know I remember hey Mr. Taliban hand over bin Laden George Bush say that

revenge come that little flash animation yeah a little flash animation and Colin Powell gonna bomb your home and there's like a little flash animation yeah a little flash animation and um and yeah something like that and then around and then around the iraq war there was um you could there was a web page that was a fake era 404 page and it said era 404 weapons of mass destruction not found yeah but it was done in the format of an error 404 page. And I remember thinking, this is the most...

This is so clever. They've used the form. They've altered the internet form to make a comment on current affairs. This is the future. Yes. You show your dad and he'd be like Better get my error book

And you're like no father look closer Tis a jest Well better get my error book And he's like getting out of the chair It's just leaning out No no no sit sit sit Better get my error book out of the chair. Oh, it's just leaning out. No, no, no, sit, sit, sit. Better get my error book I bought from online bookshop,

exclusively bookshop, amazon.com. Imagine it. Books in the Amazon, they'd get all wet. Anyway. Anyway. Man, those are the days like that's that's it's amazing to think that like that's pre-youtube yeah yeah yeah if you wanted to put a video on the internet you had to build

a website for that one video that one video video had its own website. Yeah, and sometimes, like, did you ever stumble across, like, some fucking bullshit family from the Midwest had set up its just, like, website for itself? And it would be like, the Jacobsons! And they'd just have, like, blurry like, video of their holidays

where the entire video is, like, nine pixels wide. Yeah. Yeah. have you seen the and a bunch of photos with that like an enormous like yellow or red date in the bottom left corner because it's from a digital camera and the date's wrong yeah yeah yeah it's like the date says it's from 3074 but they've not figured out how to change it how to correct it do you remember oh have you seen the first ever photograph

shared on the internet ooh was it one of those things where technically it was made out of like text no no it was like it was from some CERN Christmas party or something or some cern karaoke party and it's just three ladies who work at cern in like flapper outfits i don't know if

like a 1920s themed party they're just three of them just like it's like have a photo together it's some party it's funny that like the first photo ever shared on the internet the people in it are dressed like it's even more in the past like to enhance it even more that wow that was the fashion back then right no that's a costume party you fucking idiot no it's actually really annoying that they dress that way because this is going to make it very confusing for future historians do you know do you know what a trick question that's going to be in some poor fuckers gcse yeah like yeah when is this photograph and they have to be able to like look in the background and identify a super collider you go wait a minute wait a minute that's more that's not from the 20s i don't know if i said on here but you know i am at university my my director of studies in college was

um a physicist um and he'd worked at cern and he he's like i remember when i remember when the internet was 20 web pages oh madness only 11 of them were porn is that what he was reminiscing about? He was going, well you only had you had Busty Babes and then of course you had he's just like listing them perfectly What were the other nine webpages?

Oh I don't know The Jacobsons Each Jacobson had a page back then there was some kind of argument at the family reunion the websites didn't make it clear oh i i just yeah a formal error that's the thing but everything is your friend now and i mean we've i think we've talked about this before but like, like, the insufferability of banking adverts. Yeah, oh, yeah, making everything become cutesy.

This is a cute joke planet. They always try and make reference to their long heritage in a way that implies they're, like, Gandalf. Like, Northwest or Barkley. Like, we've always been there. Every step of the way and it'll be like a guy being a bank in the 20s or like the horse running through the warburton bread village from the 20s you know i i i i get um emails from my bank when when i have a news um like statement ready when you know your your latest statement is ready.

And it says there the name of the bank and then a slogan it's what we do. And then a link to your statement. It's like, it's what we do. Bank statements. The bare minimum of what a bank

is supposed to do. That's especially what you do, is it? Nat West, we are a bank. That's the slogan. It's what we do. What the fuck are you... Obviously it's what you do. Also, like, your statement's ready. Like, there's been a guy with a visor going

tic-a-tic-a-tic-a-tick-a-tick-a-tick Accounts for Mr. Wang. Like this little ticker tape thing that's been hurriedly fed into a little reader. Yeah, he's looking over his half-moon spectacles as he whittles my current account statement. A little cigarette jutting out of his mouth, ink all over his fingers.

Yeah. That's what we'd like to imagine. It's what we do. Yeah. Every company is Lucky Kentucky now. Genuinely, yes. Depressingly, that is true. God, are you with Bulb?

I'm with Bulb, and they are insufferable. Are they like a clean energy company? Yeah, it's all clean energy in some way that I can't quite understand. And I'm quite sure that there's an article out there somewhere, or there's going to be an article at some point going, did you know it's only clean because it's babies? It's made of babies. Because we're not allowed any nice things in this world.

But for now, I'm convinced of their credentials. I need to do that shit, man. I need to do that shit. Because I freak out about recycling, and I hate leaving lights on and shit. But all my big providers are the oldest ones that have made no efforts. It's all just like British petroleum internet and just stuff like that you know yeah you've got you've got the only coal-powered internet that's the it's really bad and today on the radio for the life scientific was on radio 4 and they're like today our guest is um

a physicist who's here to tell us how agriculture and how it changes to your diet can have the biggest effect on stopping climate change and i was like nope and i just turned it off because i don't i don't know i don't know i i've enough to think i just i want to eat the occasional steak the occasional steak i already hardly eat beef that's enough for me I don't want to find out that noodles are killing the whales. I just don't need to know. Because I'm not going to alter that, babe. I just don't want to know about the whales dying. But this is the thing.

I looked up the stats for all this for a bit in a fringe show. And if you don't use a car, or don't use a car like four times a day like anyone who has a car, right? Like a commuter and for the shops and so on, your emissions are like 30% less than the average. Right, so if you use public transport for the regular bits. Yeah, or if you just don't own a car and I don't own a car.

Oh, okay. Whereas if you cut out meat, it drops it by 10. So it's like, well, you know, I don't have a car, so.'t own a car oh okay whereas if you cut out me to drops it by 10 so it's like well you know i don't have a car so okay yeah i'm gonna have some some some lamb also there was an interesting article in the guardian where even glenn greenwald himself finally admitted he got something wrong or that his movement or people he associated with got something wrong where they they published a review. He reviewed this book. Who's Glenn Greenwald? Huh?

Who's Glenn Greenwald? He's a media guy. He was involved in the Snowden stuff, was he? Was he in Brazil now? Anyway, the point is, he's a big eco guy as well. Ah. The point is that this guy published a book talking about how a lot of the estimates for what, say, water cost is of lamb in the UK are just wrong. Right, really.

Yeah, because they would say it takes this much water to raise a sheep. And they would just measure all the water that landed in the entire field. Right. And it's like, well, not all the water that hits the field so somehow absorbed into the sheep's bones like it goes in the ground it goes in the ground and feeds you know waters the plants what the fuck is this so there's a there's a bunch of bad science in terms of the water stuff yeah some of the emission stuff is is debatable unfortunately the cow stuff isn't obviously amazon beef is the worst in the world because they're literally chopping down

the Amazon. But, I mean, I don't know if I've ever seen Argentine steak for sale in my supermarket. And if I did, I wouldn't buy it. And there's a point where you just go... You've got to live, Phil. It's like what you were saying where you just turned it off

on the radio because otherwise... You're listening to a guy whose job is to be upset all the time about this. And he's right to be upset. But you can't live like that. We have to do other things. His job is to be upset. That's his main thing. Yeah, you're right.

You just have to take it on board and balance it with all the other needs. Well, and you could switch to something like bulb or a competitor and then all you have to deal with is their fucking constant emails in a really i tone that i do not care for that's that's that's the faustian pact you make whenever you opt for an ostensibly more ethical choice these days is that they're they're likely to be even more cutesy than the less ethical choice yeah that's that's the thing is that market research has gotten so good that they've realized how susceptible most people are to just someone going oopsie boopsie and now that's the way you make a billion dollars is by oopsie boopsie in your way to it

it's it's the tat economy. We live in the tat economy. We live in a tat economy, and I wish that billionaires were just like the guy from There Will Be Blood still. They were just weird, angry, rude. And they were just like, you need to travel by train, and I control all the trains. They're just like villains.

I don't want the guy from There Will Be Blood with his big moustache saying, oopsie doodle, looks like you want to travel from Chicago to New York and there's no other option. Well, I'll fluff the pillows here and the couch for you. Yeah, that's it.

I hate the pretense of monopolies thanking you for you're choosing them it's like when when back in back before the the plague when i was traveling around performing thank you for using arriver trains you're the only train what who else was i going i wasn't going to walk that's that's the worst bit of free market nonsense I've ever heard. They're like, well, privatize the trains and it's competition. And it's like, what? So if I want to go from London to Edinburgh, I can take... Are there 11 train tracks next to each other?

Are there? I could just leap from one to the other like an old Wild West heist. And it's like, no, this is literally your only option. It's this or jog to Edinburgh from London and you go oh okay well good competition guys good incentives yeah imagine if you could switch trains

mid journey like switching energy providers or current accounts or something like you just I'm no longer happy with this service well sir it's perfectly within your rights to change but would you care to tell us how we could improve no and you just you just jump well you just jump onto the train next year and then thank you for choosing uh fucking bloop the train and then what i would also love is if uh the train company didn't get a very very depressed

man from newcastle to ring me up a year later which is what edf did to me two weeks ago oh really yeah they've got some call center up near newcastle and very very tired sad sounding geordie geordies will ring me up now from time to time and what what do they say they say oh you were a valued customer at EDF oh what happened it's like they go through

a cold case file what happened you were a valued customer why why I did you leave? That was almost like a sort of non-planetary accent. That was almost new. Why I did you leave, man?

What happened, Lake? You're a valued customer. Now you're gone. It's all just Ross Noble going, What did you change to? Did you change to a big A big dog in the sky Who spits energy Into your house

I switched because I wanted to do some green energy Oh right Imagine if energy was green. Like, imagine if it came out your plug and it was all green. Like, it was all like slime. Oh. This is exactly why I left Ross.

I can't stand the whimsy anymore. I've gone for cutesiness over whimsy. That's what I've done. What is your persona when you're called up by um a call center because obviously you're annoyed but yeah it's not right to be annoyed at some poor schmuck who has to do this no i i'm never i'm never personal i'm never like you you in particular are the reason why i hate that i hate fucking baby boomer ass age people who like you need to it's like what you this is just some fucking dude it's because it's because um in their day like older people

when they were young a call center person earned enough to buy three houses by the time they were 40 they're just like well they're sat there in their mansions making these phone calls? My persona is, I just say, oh, sorry, I don't have time right now. Or I just say I'm busy. Like I imply they've rung me up in the middle of a board meeting and for some reason I've answered. Like as I say goodbye to them,

I'm looking into the eyes of a couple of confused investors. What are you doing? We're about to close this thing. I'm sorry, I thought it was someone else. Oh, I just caught a ball, Blake. Yes, I'm sorry, I have to... I've got Jeff Bezos right here.

Yeah, I'm sort of like that, or if I know in advance Because they're all in South Shield So I guess they're not Geordies We've talked about this before but they've got their own nicknames But um Shield bearers The bearers of the South Shield

We will hold the South Shield If you hold the North my friend That's where That's where That's where the Novavax vaccine is going to be made Oh Well, or just Is it just south of South Shields? I don't know

On the same plot where a lot of On the same Industrial estate as corn Where a lot of England's The UK's corn is made, as in fake meat. Yes, and it's made from sort of mushroom tendrils. No! It's not the mushroom's body that it's made from.

It's made from the tenderly bits, which I think are very protein-heavy. Interesting. Yeah. There's also some kind of egg in it, because it's not vegan. Yeah, they've had to make a concession towards texture and flavour. You know there's a bigger chicken cull in the UK going on a couple of weeks ago because people aren't buying eggs, which surprised me because I thought everyone was baking. I think there was an egg rush for the gold yolks and and then now i think eggs everyone's just gone

i'm not making something that means i have to whisk anything yeah yeah that's interesting a chicken chicken cull a very depressing sequel to chicken run they yeah the tagline is they didn't make it the tagline is people stopped buying eggs for a bit They didn't make it. The tagline is, people stopped buying eggs for a bit. Chicken run to chicken call. The meat industry is brutal. I just want there to be lab meat.

Frankenstein flesh. That's what I want to eat. Would you actually eat it? Yeah. Really? Like a lab steak? You'd eat that? Sure. It'll be cleaner than real steak. Yeah, but it's the cleanliness that sure it's probably like it's it'll it'll be cleaner than real steak

yeah but it's the cleanliness that makes it creepy oh that's true anything that a machine makes is inherently unsettling um yeah i'd be i'd be very up for trying it though everyone who's tried it says because they always they always make it and then they mince it into a burger because obviously the texture would be unholy. It'd be like something the devil made. So then they go, and after it's been grown in the lab on these various points which massage the textures and stimulate them into

growing, it's minced up and put in a burger and given to a journalist. And you go, right, right, right. I know why they did that. Because God knows what the texture would be like. It just tastes of electricity. It just sparks. You bite into it. It would be like muscle fibers

that have never existed in that format, you know? Like steak has a grain to it. That's right. This won't have a grain, it'll be shaped like the little nodes that the tissue wraps around or something so weird

horrible yeah but um i think it's uh i think it's great i think it's funny that there are people out there who are so against eating meat that they see the lab meat as wrong as well yeah yeah you mean you're creating life only to get it? Yeah, and it's like, no, no. That steak didn't even have a good life. It was born in a lab and it died in a lab. Yeah, and then you're like, no, it's never really alive at all. And they're like, that's

even, I hate it. They're just furious. Although, can you imagine the cutesy wootsy advertising that will accompany lab burgers? I was born to feed you. I was grown for your mouth. Yeah, that's cute.

My daddy was a scientist at gym. That's cute. My daddy was a scientist at gym and he wore... he liked to wear a lab coat with stars on it. Gym was a bit different. Yes, that would be good. But here at Labsteaks we celebrate different. Labsteaks steak different. Steak different. Steak different.

You know that's coming. You know the tagline, steak different is coming. I'm going to look at the back of a packet of these things and it's going to go, here at Manure Steak Labs, we love to party. You know, Jim loves to bring in some of his wife's cupcakes. We do karaoke on the weekends, and we even find the time to make a few burgers. And then they're going to be called, like, Frankenburgers, and the burgers are going to have little bolts in their necks,

and they'll be giving a big thumbs up. Yeah, that's right, that's right. They'll be like the kind of naughty, yeah, they'll be like the sort of oat milk style, kind of punky, you know, our CEOs have tattoos kind of companies. And it's going to be like, we're leaning into the Frankenmeat concern.

We're going, yeah, so what? Yeah, we're owning it. Yeah, we're owning it. We're not going to try and hide it and pretend that we're owning it yeah we're owning it we're not going to try and hide it and pretend that we're we're not uh from a lab yeah it's gonna be there's gonna be a lot of um their social media account's gonna use a lot of gifs because it's all big time um like i guess innocent smoothies kind of started the innocent smoothies were the the pioneers of the cutesy packaging and the and i which actually reminds me i i re-watched recently your your and johnny leonard's and theo chester's sketch show oh cuts on youtube and there's a there's a sketch about innocent smoothie-esque language yes yeah to having to give adjectives to the fruit

it's such a funny show pod bud should have a look at it on YouTube. Cuts. It's so funny, man. Thanks, man. There's so much fun to... The sketch about the paella dog. I cry. I cry watching that sketch.

Every time. Jason and George are so good in that. The amount of corpsing they did as well. Because Jason's glasses there, I actually painted the back of them black, so no light could get through at all. So he looks like a bug. He's really good.

And George knew that he couldn't see, so whenever Jason moved his head around, George was trying not to laugh. But yeah, if any pop-ups haven't watched that, get on it. It's so funny. It's only about 13 minutes or whatever. Yeah, 13 minutes. It's on my YouTube, which is my name, and it's on

Turtle Canyon YouTube. Speaking of plugs, Philip. Yeah. You got yourself a book, boy. Yes! I announced last week that I have a book coming out in september remember remember my books in september it's called um it's called side splitter yeah

because it's about me being asian and and british and all and British and all and it's also funny so Sidesplitter it's a good bit of wordplay I think it's my King Lear it's what I wrote in lockdown and I think it'll be more influential actually than King Lear I think there are more quotable bits from it

I think it'll do more to change the english language yeah so look out for a site splitter in september you can you can pre-order you can pre-order now on waterstones or amazon and i don't know i think on yeah well and i think they're signed copies the ones on waterstones definitely are uh signed copies and i have to sign them and so if you i don't know how many i have to sign but i presume if you potentially i could end up in autograph prison if if enough people pre-ordered this book i just have to sign all of them actually that's really funny if every pod every pod bud makes you sign their copy,

orders a signed copy, you're going to be trapped. You're going to be stuck for like weeks. Just ah! Yeah, just cursing the day I plug the book on this podcast. Oh, that's so funny. Yes, okay, do that. Do that, everyone.

But yeah, I've got the link on my Twitter and my Instagram if you want to order the book it's something to do isn't it remember remember Wang's book in September non-fiction so there's not a plot you should start doing cutesy-bootsy advertising for your book. I should.

I should. All the little letter elves have got their typewriters out and are clattering away in preparation for September. But they love doing it, so they won't be annoyed at all if you order some more. So just keep the elves happy by pre-ordering more books for them to clitter and clatter at away

in their book cellar. It's not a dungeon it's a cute little cellar where they drink hot chocolate and they clitter and clatter and they make my book. That's like the pun as well. We're a book cellar with a book cellar. Oh, of course.

Yeah. Of course. And if anyone finds a typo, you say, oh, sorry, that was Guthrie the elf. He's a little silly sometimes. Yeah, that's a sinister element to these ultra-personal marketing messages where they

name the individual responsible for a particular stage of your order and they're like Samantha's currently wrapping up your pack. So if it turns up and it's wrapped to shit, like badly wrapped, what am I supposed to do? I call up customer

service and I go, can I speak to Samantha please? Yep, Sam's fucked up big time on this one. I need to speak to Samantha right now. The name I was given was Samantha. Put her on the phone right now. Yeah, you're showing up to the distribution center. Where's Dave?

Is Dave in today? And then just pushing him against the wall by his collar what is this what does this sticker say dave who says fragile fragile yes like your neck what if i treated your neck the way you Blight! Oh, man. But that's cool, man. September, the book will be flying out with your crippled signature all over it. Yeah, September, if all goes to plan,

presumably one of the first months where people won't be at home reading books. But, hopefully, people will find time between the orgies and the parties to read my book about me and my thoughts. Read it in the park. Read it at the orgy. Put your elbows onto the buttocks of the person in front of you. Like a music stand. Place the spine of the person in front of you. Like a music stand. Place the spine of the book directly into their crack.

Yes. Yeah, like a music stand or an old monk's book holder. Yeah, and put on some gloves, like you've been allowed access to a rare book at the British Library. Like you're on an episode of Who Do You Think You Are? Going through the archives. People at the orgy might be worried when you first snap those gloves on,

but... Some might even be very excited, but just ignore them and focus on the book. Don't worry, everyone. This is not a colonic inspection. I'm merely catching up with one of my favourite podcasters, Phil Wang. Do you mind? I'm trying to read. As someone tries to interfere with you in some way.

Oh, gosh. As someone tries to interfere with you in some way. Gosh. Orgies seem a lot more commonplace than I once thought. I know a lot of people who have been to an orgy, have not partaken in, to have just stood around watching. I think it's because we work in the arts. Do you reckon? Yeah, I think if you work in accounting... Do you reckon the arts is a pretty orgy-heavy...

I don't know, you know. I don't know. I think throughout all of society's strata, the orgy is commonplace. So are we in the one strata where the people admit it and feel that they can tell us about it? I guess we're on the one, well, technically speaking, stratum, Pierre. That's right.

I've out-Latined you. For once on this podcast, I've out-Latined you. Although this is when someone's going to say it's fucking Greek. I don't care. No, it would be Latin, wouldn't it, stratum? someone's going to say it's fucking Greek. I don't care. No, it would be Latin, wouldn't it, Stratum?

Yeah, ours is the one Stratum of society which would proudly boast having been to an orgy. We're the one Stratum for which there is cultural cachet in being associated with a freewheeling sex life. True, a cultural capital is being grasped at here. Yes. But yes, we do know people who've been to... Do you think...

I think orgies are definitely more common now because they're all... Overall, they've probably declined because people probably take lockdown quite seriously, but there's been a few in the papers, haven't there? Yeah. They've been in the papers again, the orgies. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's never been a harder time to keep your orgy under wraps than in lockdown Britain because it's going to be news. The only ones that make sense to me is like there's a few organisations out there which have become quite famous for being very exclusive. Yes, yes, yes. I mean, that's the only orgy I'd ever want to go to. That's what I mean. I'm amazed at the kind of

freewheeling devil-may-care personality that would just go to an orgy at Steve's house. Yeah. Yeah, just like with people who you'd see on the fucking high street. Just regular people. No, obviously not.

Yeah, you want to feel like you're in a Greek painting. The kind of people who, if they're in a video, like in a porn video on the internet, you stumble across, you get angry. Like, what the hell? I don't look at people. Like you're going to go and do it in real life with them how dare you sully my

browser with your less than perfect physiology physiology yeah I guess that's I always wonder what it must be like to be one of the people whose job is to assess people. Sorry, physiology. I'm just stuck on... I think I've used the wrong word.

Physiognomy? Physicology? Physique. Physique. Physique. There we go. If you're like the secretary or whatever Of the orgy Yeah there must be a point where There must be a certain point where you do just feel like a Nazi doctor

Why? Because you've got all these naked bodies in there No no because you've got to assess it I'm saying if you were the assessor For like who's allowed to come Oh I see You're sat there going like The shoulders are too wide You know like measuring and scanning You're the successor for who's allowed to come. Oh, I see. You're sat there going like,

the shoulders are too wide, you know, like measuring and scanning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get all phrenology on everyone. Yeah, you've got to feel a bit weird. That's the element of orgies I think people always overlook, the admin. And maybe that's why there are more orgies now, if there are.

It's just that it's easier to communicate with people under ramps. People have the time! People have the time. People have the technology with WhatsApp groups. You know, I was thinking about dogging the other day, and I was like, well, I guess there must be a lot... There must be a dogging...

Now there must be dogging websites, right? There must be dogging Reddits, probably. Oh, come on. Surely. There's websites for everything else. If there's websites for the Jacobsons, there's websites for dogging. Exactly.

Exactly. I've heard... I know growing up on the Isle of Man, there was always a rumor that people would go dogging at a particular lookout point. Look in point. Look into my Ford Fiesta! That's right.

And there were always amusing schoolboy plans to go and surprise the doggers or something. Never happened. No, never happened. I say they probably weren't there. I mean, the rumour can't have come from nowhere, could it? No, yeah. Every rumor has some element of truth.

Dogging is even more random than a speculative orgy. It's just whoever's in the car park. Ugh. You've got to just... It's like the guy on the jet ski who went all the way to the Isle of Man. You've got to just have a wank. Just have a... I mean,

if the people involved wouldn't put me off, seeing the insides of people's cars would. I mean, because the inside... Messy cars really put me off. Imagine looking in and there's gum on the floor and dog hair. It's like,

this is the hardest wank of my life. Bus busy joylessly some some guy's wife in the back of a car and looking at the kid's bucket and spade half under the chair jesus you'd be like living in an irvin welsh novel it's this kind of endless grimness Endless grimness Bit to the seaside have you Oh yes Absolutely repulsive

Oh McDonald's wrappers That would be one of the worst I will never be involved with dogging And I'm happy to say that on this podcast On the record I will never be involved with dogging You watch out because when you become A very famous dogging advocate,

someone will get a clip of you saying that and tweet it at you saying, This you? Shit, you're right. This you? I'm going to get... Oh, no. You're going to get this you'd. I'm going to get this you'd by the anti-dogging people.

This you, and you're going to do a very cogent tweet explaining how you change your mind about dogging and how it's uh you know fresh air and it's uh very sort of progressive in all sorts of ways or something and they're gonna no one's gonna care because you got this you'd that's right oh no yeah that's right it'll be the pro-dogging people that they'll this you me that's the crazy thing about the this you phenomenon is that it's from people who you now agree with yeah they hate that you have seen their point of view

eventually yeah they're furious that their arguments have convinced you yeah yeah the left the left hates to win absolutely hates it and they get furious with you when you when they win you over i have a uh my my theory on that who i've i've shared with uh uh many many friends uh such as uh friend friends of ours and excellent comedians alex healy i hear shah people

like that is that um there's a there's a yep the online political comedian community yes that my theory on that is that there's a lot of people who control a lot of left-wing discourse and they can only ejaculate if they lose something it doesn't matter what they lose it doesn't matter what it but like the only way they can keep aroused and have sexual function is the certainty and the knowledge that what they are doing will either lose them, something short-term, long-term, anything like that. In the same way that I think the right wing can only climax if they know that what they're doing is either sort of cruel or eventually it will be revealed to be a lie.

So they either need to say, there'll be no lunch for the children ever again, and then they get hard, or they go, sure, we'll feed the kids, and then in their head they go, for a day. And then they can come. Yeah, that's when they come. Yeah, that's when they come yeah they come when they come when they have um

balanced the tough love distribution of of whatever it is they're planning to do with as much as most tough as they can fit in while still being able to make a case for love yeah it's it's homeopathic love there's a molecule of love in there. There's a memory of love. There was once love in this motion. But it's been distilled so much that there's not really any love in it. But there's a memory of love. Whereas the left, they edge at losing,

but they only really come once they say, now is not the time to mourn, now is the time to organize. That's them coming. When after they've lost something, they go, now's the time to organize. Yeah. They can only ejaculate when they say the phrase,

the real fight starts now. As if they were like, you know what, guys, it turns out it was the wrong time to win people over in the years leading up to the election. Now that we've lost one, now is the time to work on reconciliation. Yeah, it's got to be something like that. So that's who we're stuck with, at least in the United Kingdom,

is the evil and the people who like to lose. That's the two flavors we have. It only works, Phil. It only works when you get someone who's a bit evil, who's quite evil and like, and they happen to believe in the sort of aspects of political fairness, e.g. Tony Bland,

Peter Mandelson. So people who are sort of speak in that evil way in their heads. Oh, we'll see about that. But it's about progressive taxation. What is it? What is the other thing you said about Priti Patel? Oh, you thought love would save you. She looks like the kind of person who would say,

did you think love would... Do you think love's going to save you, Potter? That's her smirk, yeah. Although I do think that's a great... If you get a picture of her doing a really evil smirk with your phrase just now, love is a memory, underneath, like, that would be her book. Love is a memory.

A memoir by Priti Patel. I don't know if you're speaking of people who love to publicly lose. Harry and Meghan. Have you seen the trailer for their interview with Oprah? Oh, no, I haven't. Also, welcome, Harry and Meghan, to the world of podcasting. I wonder if you'll make any money out of it. It's hard to make money out of it.

Good luck. Yes, Harry and Meghan, I hope you're enjoying your newfound privacy and also your brand new podcast and fifth high-profile interview in America in a row. What's the interview with Oprah? Well, the trailer is just like... It uses that new suspenseful movie trailer music where it's just like a single piano note.

Yeah. And Oprah goes, she's looking at Megan and Megan's looking so serious and, and they're in some garden or something. And Oprah's like, what, what did she say? Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah.

Were you silent or were you silenced? Oh, my God. And then it doesn't show Megan saying anything, but it goes to Megan and she just tilts her head one way and the wind blows her hair slightly. Like a samurai. And then it goes to megan and she just tilts her head one way and the wind blows her hair slightly like a samurai and then it goes to black and then it's got harry there with her uh yeah we just um we just want we just want to to clear the the uh she's just just being a dumbass and trying to sound like he can speak english and and then and then and then it goes and then it just it ends on

oprah going wait wait wait wait hold up and then goes car right so the implication there is like something happened that made oprah say hold up yeah exactly exactly where could it be when you know when you know when you're going to watch the interview, it'll be like they said, and our flight to LA was actually delayed by three hours. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold up. It was delayed by three hours.

And then you're going to go, oh, for fuck's sake, that was it? Yeah, exactly. Or it'll be something like, it's something to do with like some piece of fucking jewellery that we've never heard of falling on the ground or something crap like that. Oh, man.

I would prefer it if Prince Andrew went on the Oprah Winfrey show. Yes, that I would watch. That's a perspective I want to hear from. And then Oprah said, check under your seats, everyone. And the audience said, you get an alibi. You get an alibi. She was just handing out alibis. He was with me.

It's like a nice gift. And all these vouchers for the Woking Pizza Express. Yes. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Are we going to learn anything from that interview? It turned out being in the royal family was extremely luxurious

And unpleasant at the same time Yes It turns out that being in the royal family Is something of a gilded cage, Pierre In a way, I was in a cage But the cage was made of gold Does that make sense? Is that something has anyone ever said that before we've only had monarchies and human history for 4 000

years i don't know if it's ever come up that it's a bit like being trapped also and it's like oh the press aren't very pleasant and it's like no that's i mean obviously you know be nice if they were pleasant but also i don't know what what's the balance between having a completely undemocratic institution and then a mean newspaper man it's neither one is ideal but I mean the whole situation is not ideal the whole situation is insane it's just going to be two rich people

saying that things can be double edged that's what they're going to say sometimes a good thing can have a negative side yeah and that's Oprah going, whoa, hold up. Hold up. A cage made of gold?

But then you'd be trapped and somehow rich. Is that right? Am I getting that right? Like some sort of wealthy bird? I'm trying to... Help me along here. Help me. Help me, help me, help me.

Am I right in saying this? Help me understand. A sort of very rich bird. Is that what you're... I've never heard this before. This is... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold up.

Maybe she is... Maybe Oprah is shocked because it's like... She's found that money and fame, you know, is entirely to her liking. Yeah, yeah. Maybe she's just like, and fame is entirely to her liking. Yeah, yeah. Maybe she's just like, no, this is great. Literally, I don't particularly find any of this a downside.

It's very funny watching rich British people talk to rich Americans because rich Americans are like, there's nothing wrong with being rich. What are you talking about? Only the British have this inbuilt guilt about living well. Americans are like, I earned every cent of this. What are you talking about? Only the British have this inbuilt guilt about living well. Americans are like, I earned every cent of this.

What are you talking about? Yeah. Americans are like pirates like that. Yeah. There's no remorse. They're just, yeah, I took it for myself. They're just completely into it. Whereas, yeah, they don't feel sad about it.

If America is like the phrase finders keepers became a country. Yeah. Whereas maybe that's why they find British aristocrats like sinister enough to make them the villains in every movie. Because it's, they, they sort of don't understand the pathology. They're like, when a villainous British aristocrat says, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to kill you. And they think, but he's not sorry. He wants to kill me. What?

Why is he sorry? Isn't this what he wants? And it's like, God god he's like a mad man he's in a castle and sad it's I think was it Andy Warhol I think it was Andy Warhol who summed it up really well yeah I think it was Andy Warhol

you know he said the British hate when you become successful because they're worried you're going to abandon them americans celebrate you because they want you to take them with you uh americans think that you're going to take them with you and british think you're going to leave them interesting uh do you maybe that's why like is that why American celebrities always seem to have an entourage that they kind of do take people

yeah exactly I'm trying to think of I guess the royal family literally have an entourage of a kind the beef eaters the beef eaters but also all those other dukes that you've never heard of who suck

yeah I guess that's the royal sweet spot It's like if I had to be in the royal family I want to be one of them I want to be a minor fucking royal Who gets like a county worth of land It's like the Duke of Kent Yeah but no one gives a shit about you

There's no cameras outside No one cares who you fuck No one cares But you've got all this property. That's the royalty I'd want. Three times a year you visit three different army regiments and have a huge piss-up

in a kind of ceremony. And you're like vaguely on the governing board of seven or eight boarding schools wherever it is that you're the Duke of. And you just show up and go, yes, we're all learning maths or something. Very good. And you say something a bit racist to a teacher,

you go. Oh, yes. Oh. Even if the royal family gave up all the state-owned property they live in, e.g. like Windsor Castle, I think, or Buckingham Palace. That's not theirs. They still own

the rest of it. They'd still be the richest or second richest landowners in the country. Without even really trying. Yeah. Yeah. Man, I want to be a minor royal oh man like my house is full of portraits of uh my ancestors who just fucked everyone over who just killed everyone and just took all this

they just took all this stuff and but it's separate enough from me where i can go well it's a different time i've not i don't kill anyone but you know i will i will keep all i will keep all of this all the assets i'll keep everything because it wasn't me but you know i will keep it you can that'll be me you can point at the painting of someone called like uh wang the bloodthirsty and you can just be like He was a bit of a rotter Oh You are listing my broken dreams I would love

I would love that Tell you what I'd also love A spot of correspondence Alright well The hour is late So we'll quickly A mini-corrie A mini-corrie Alright, well, it's a... The hour is late, so we'll quickly... A mini-corrie.

A mini-corrie. Ring letters. Keep emails. Email. Phone calligraphies. Talking decks. Your sister. Keep a straight eye. Phone calls.

Messing up. Ring letters. Correspondence. Okay, here's a good brief one. RSB gets in touch. RSB, the Royal Society of Buds. That's right. And they say, hi, PNP.

You mentioned recently, this is a while ago now, that although there were many male names which were suggestive of a male member, there were far fewer female counterparts. That's right. And we're just talking about Lil Wang just now. We've got Wang. We've got Dick. We've got John. No, John's toilet. Johnson. We've got Dick.

Johnson. That's right. Dick. Johnson. Peter. Peter. There's just loads. Whereas, yeah, there's no there's just loads whereas yeah there's no there's no Minji

Minji Flanagan or anything we said Vera I believe yeah that's the closest that's right get your Vera out for the lads so he says

I have one such recommendation based on my time working in a large university library the lads. So, he says, I have one such recommendation based on my time working in a large university library. While browsing the system one day, I saw the mention of a person who had in their account comments section the fact that they lived on a boat. Okay. So there's obviously some sort of account comment

element to the database where you can put your own... So this is a member of the library? Yeah. Ah. So eccentric students and staff are clearly putting little comments on their accounts. That's cute. Finding this strange, I decided to scour the library database looking for any other strange account comments. Hmm.

library database looking for any other strange account comments. After a short search, I was rewarded with a record for a student named Tuna Cunt. Ha ha ha! Oh. Yeah. Cunt is a K, by the way.

Yeah, that's a German name, right? Tuna Cunt. K-U-N-T, is it? Yeah, and tuna like the fish. That's funny. Tunas, yeah, tuna kunt. I'm mean. Get a look at this tuna kunt over here.

As someone looks up from their sandwich. Hmm? from their sandwich. Hmm? I hate that guy where he eats that fucking sandwich with tuna cunt. Thinking that this must be surely a fake record,

I immediately checked the main student portal and was shown the smiling profile picture of the aforementioned Ms. Cunt. I eventually left that job, but the memory of Tuna Cunt is one I shall never leave behind. Koji RSP. And this is why our libraries need to be saved, Pierre. If you cut libraries, where will Tuna Cunt go? Where will you find Tuna Cunt go? Where will you find

Tuna Cunt if not in the library? Society is going to be bereft of Tuna Cunts. Kids will grow up not knowing about Tuna Cunt if we lose enough libraries. What do you think, like, I guess Alec Dick is as devastating. Alec Dick!

That's a classic one. Alec Dick. Alec Dick. Alec Dick is as devastating. Alec Dick, that's a classic one. Alec Dick, Alec Dick. Alec Dick is probably as close as you can get to this kind of level of devastating misfortune, right? Tuna cunt, Alec Dick, tuna cunt. I mean, just auna and it's on Going around being called Tuna Yeah

How is that Is that a Is that a name in some Is it like Tina Is it a form of Tina Tuna Hi I'm Tuna Tina

Tina Tuna Would be a funny Sort of fish based Tina Turner Ah yeah That's good Tuna Is a unisex Turkish name.

Oh, interesting. It means Danube. The Danube River. As in the river. Apparently it's the Tuna River. Oh, this is funny. Born 1957, the Turkish environmental engineer, politician and former mayor of Ankara

is Mustafa Tuna. Oh, have you tried this? Oh, you must have a tuna. Mustafa Tuna. You must have a tuna. It's so good. There is a very famous telegram that is sort of very funny but you know, slightly of its time where it's a the british

ambassador in russia telegramming london during the blitz and the war and and talking about how these are dark days but um the other day he basically he doesn't his phrases are very cleverly but basically he met a turk a Turkish diplomat called Mustafa Kunt. Well, Kunt must be a Turkish name, then. It must be, yeah. I've just remembered that. Of course. Mustafa Kunt.

So it's full Turkish. It's not German at all. So she was a Turkish lady who... I mean, what happens when... I guess university is the ideal time to move to an English-speaking country with that name. Yeah, you'd be a fucking legend. You'd be a legend. You'd be a big name on campus.

You'd literally be a big name on campus. Who's the biggest name on campus? Tuna Cunt. People would love you. And it would be like a kind of fun, silly thing. Whereas if you were 12... Oh, terrible. Terrible.

They'd be laughing in the staff room. They'd be pouring tuna on your head in the canteen. People would say something's fishy whenever you came in. Double fishy. But, Tuna Cutter University, you're the star

of Freshers' Week. People are excited just to... In any scenario where names are read out. Graduation day, it's going to be packed. People will hunt you down on the club night. I need a photo with Tuna Canter. You'd be a celebrity. You could turn that into a life. A life.

Yep. Yep. Whereas, yeah yeah teenage years you you're moving back to Turkey to live with your grandpa although you know being Tuna Khan at university like

it would be the glory days for maybe first half of first term and then Tuna Khan's always the one who's like in second term

you're like where's Tuna Khan and you find out oh she had to quit. She was not having a... She was having a really tough time. Yeah, she covered it up, but yeah, she was... It's always a misfortune that someone with a name like Tuna Cunt is always going to be painfully shy.

Yeah. Whereas if they were like a kind of um you know john belushi figure like a kind of crazy party animal then it would absolutely work like if someone like if someone says on your first date sorry is your name tuna cunt and you go and don't you forget it bitch bitch! And just like, down a pint right in their face. And everyone goes, yeah! Then, you know, you've got yourself an empire. But it's always like, sorry, is your name Tuna Cunt?

Someone just goes, yes, sorry. And they run away to the library. Yeah. Absolutely devastating. Well, thank you for that. I swear I remember learning the other day some western name that was a swear word anyway thank you for that RSP thank you to the Royal Society of Buds

for sending that on and do make sure everyone to renew your memberships to the Royal Society of Buds or you won't get our our newsletter yes renew your membership. It's the only way that you'll be eligible for fellowship.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. We have a fascinating lecture. Actually, when lockdown ends, we've got a fascinating lecture on the history of bums. Mm-hmm. And all members of the Royal Society of Buds are highly encouraged to attend.

Not compulsory, but you don't want to miss it. But we actually have a clip from the lecture on the history of bums. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, hold up. There you go, that's the clip. Needless to say, something very shocking about the history of bums is... Yeah. We're not going to spoil it now. You'll have to watch.

You'll have to come and watch the talk. It's hosted by Oprah as well. It's Oprah interviewing her own bum. Yeah, the RSB has... We've got a lot of reach. As you say, we've got some people in high places in our pockets. And low, e.g. the RSB has, you know, we've got a lot of reach. As you say, we've got some people in high places in our pockets. And low, e.g. the bums.

The bum, yeah, right in the bum pocket. That's right, in the bum pocket. Alright. Have a good week, guys. Bye-bye!