BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 107 - I'm With Stu-Pod

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

Featuring Stuart Laws! The lads discover when they first met a cockney, what heights they've leapt from and we hear all about Stu's membership of the viral and Cockney illuminati. Would you let a dolphin rescue you? Check out Stu's new online series Grave New World! Available here at www.gravenewworldseries.com Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All right, it's Bud Pod 107, which sounds like a lucky number, Phil. Well, it's got seven in there. Do you know why seven is a lucky number for two dice? I think maybe I've talked about this before. At this point, I'm just repeating myself every two episodes. Do you know why seven is a lucky number for two dice? Is it like it can only be formed by the fewest combos? Opposite.

It's the combination you're most likely to get. Hmm. Yeah. Seven. But then, surely it's the least lucky because it's the most likely. Yeah, I know. You would think that. But...

People are idiots. I think it just feels lucky because it comes up all the time. Right. Before they understood probability, they were like, this must be an inherently lucky number to keep happening. God loves this number. I guess it does sound like heaven. It does.

We have with us today a guest. I can't remember the last time I had a guest it's cause was it Glenn? was it Glenn or Adam Hess? I think it was Glenn the point is they're both being blown out of the water this week

by Stuart Laws Stuart Laws, everyone's favorite friend i've never met laws the member of the twitter viral thread illuminati that's right that's true we get to go to meetings every year and people have got conspiracies about what we're up to and people say oh do you remember do you remember charlie bit my? That was us. And everyone, ah, good days, good days. Anything viral was them, was you. We gave those two poor, unfortunate children the chance to go to private school.

You know, that's the finale of that, Charlie bit my finger. What? They went to private school. Is it paid for them to go to private school? Really? Did it? Yeah.

Would St. Ambrosius Academy be like, What? They went to private school. Is it paid for them to go to private school? Really? Did it? Yeah. Would like St. Ambrosius Academy be like, two local boys of such provenance, we'd be proud to have them among the ranks of our students here? Something like that? He bit his finger. Ah. And thus... How did they monetize that?

Just from YouTube ad revenue? Just from back in those days on YouTube. I think you had to then do proper appearances and go on TV and everything like that. Wow. Yeah, you got invited on the news and stuff. Did they do some sort of insane Christmas album or something? Yeah, to be honest, it is still in my top three Christmas albums of all time, the Charlie Bit My Finger. then people will they do like some sort of insane christmas album or something yeah yeah they do

yeah well to be honest it is still in my top three christmas albums of all time that charlie bit my finger those two boys at schools and they're out of place and someone's like how did you end up here and he just points across the quad and he goes well i bit his finger one day i bit his finger one day i bit his finger and and papa was filming i mean how much more of a sort of butterfly flapping its wing can you imagine a child bites a finger and they end up with i mean i guess it is still within the realms of their own life i guess if it ended up with you know world war three that would be more of a butterfly effect it's purely it's probably the american dream though isn't it except in in england it is the american dream because it's wealth wherever it was acquired by essentially eating something or at least or trying to trying to eat something you shouldn't. Yes, danger to children.

Money through danger to children is the American dream. So, Stu, what are Stu's viruses? I mean, viral videos. Viral Twitter threads. There's the message you sent to a pilot

in the plane that you were on. The one that started it all started is that the first one yeah that was the first time that i hit above that above 100 and that's when you go oh my oh my word what a world this is but then i think that was that did i did a few i did maybe 18k yeah actually maybe it was exciting that's the point and and the point was i took i did that three weeks previous what do you mean and then went oh like i was on a flight and i had a chat room and i was like oh put in my name as pilot and did this little conversation took a little photo of it that's funny it's just other passengers talking to you wasn't it

yeah well the secret is that it was my partner at the time. Oh, wow. This is why he's in the Illuminati. Yeah. So we had a little meeting. We said, let's go viral in a couple of weeks. Interesting. Why, and it worked.

Stu, you exist. You exist in that uneasy gap between crazy viral things that happen and the didn't happen of the year awards Twitter account. Well, let's go into why the hell no one has ever tagged me into any of that stuff. And I can guess one of the reasons is that I'm a bloke. Yeah, I was about to say, you're a guy. And that is 99% of the rationale there covered. Absolutely stunned.

It's always a woman saying, oh, I nearly dropped an orange this morning, but I caught it. And then a thousand guys going, you're a fucking liar. What are you living in a magic world? And they're just furious at this mundane, completely believable event. Whereas you are there saying like i impersonated i technically broke aviation law by impersonating a pilot

oh this is a good lad actually that was on uni lad it was on lad five or it was called a genius for it wasn't hidden from the angry lads it was shoved right in their faces and they didn't yeah do you think that's like the equivalent of a bank robbery was shoved right in their faces and they didn't suspect a thing. Yeah. Do you think that's like the equivalent of a bank robbery where you just walk in dressed as the guy who owns the bank,

get the money and leave? Like it's so brazen that the lads, either uni or biblical, didn't just, they just thought he must be fine, must be kosher.

Just dress up as the monopoly man driving sort of a pewter car straight into the bank. Loaded up, boys! It's me, the bank owner. The one who you've always imagined looks like this. Oh, yes. What is Mr. Monopoly's name?

Money bags. Money bags, right? And that's what? Is that first and last name? Like bags rich uncle penny bags rich uncle penny bags is it penny bags all those money bags penny bags is um pennywise's colleague colleague colleague yeah they've just got the same first name and they went we should team up penny bags is the butler that that man had before Alfred. Oh, no, you're right.

His name is Rich Uncle Pennybags. Rich Uncle Pennybags. So his first name is Richard, middle name Uncle. It implies that he comes from an Eastern European or African or maybe far Eastern culture where people just call him uncle pennybags that is a mark of just general respect for him as an older man um yeah and he happens to be rich yeah whereas auntie pennybags is constantly getting dubbed into didn't happen of the year she's just trying to issue her stock reports and people

0.3 percent growth at d-h-o-t-y-a those those tweets and those tags are among the most aggressively unpleasant of twitter and that's a high bar i used to follow that twitter account because i thought this is funny just sort of you know because it was like people doing stuff like i spoke to my eight-year-old this morning who took one look at the brexit report and said i think this will be bad for the future yeah and you're like oh that's funny that people are doing stuff like that for online clout and then over the time you're like oh yeah it's always just women they're retweeting. Yeah. And then mixed in there, you've got all the ones which are like, my four-year-old just said that surely a federalist approach

to the United Kingdom. And you go, okay, that's very lame that you made that up. But then, yeah, mixed in there, it's just, this morning my four-year-old finished reading a simple book for children and said, I love you, Mum. And it's like, yeah, that's... That's plausible. You've got all these replies from angry guys with very pixelated mid-game football photos.

Yes, it's always football games. As their profile picture. For some reason, they've gone, that moment, that pixelated moment is me. That sums me up. And they're always replying. Yeah, they're always replying going like, moment is me. That sums me up. And they're always replying. Yeah, they're always replying going like, oh, a

four-year-old who can read? Nice try, Mrs. Jenkins or whatever. And it's so much more depressing. It's such a self-own on their life. It's so depressing. Because they're like, I couldn't read till I was nine! And they're just furiously

doubting these basic skills. When did you learn to read, Stu? The podcast, PodLegend, is that Pierre started reading surprisingly late. Yeah. For how much he reads now. How old are you? I don't know. How do you know when you started reading?

It's quite hard to remember. Have you got a newspaper from the first day you read? The first date you read. Yeah, what's the first date you ever well see this is the thing stew is i started reading late enough that i remember the process of learning to read wow whereas in the uk from what i understand people are still like shitting in their pants and going blah blah blah and everyone's going it's time to read and they're they're completely they're already trying to go yes but Freshers Week is quite the time, isn't it?

That's a gag. Viral. Can't wait for this podcast to go viral. I didn't go to university, so I don't know about Freshers. This is why we're having you on this week, Stuart. We want this episode to go viral. Oh, it's how to go viral. Okay.

Okay, I'll do my best. We know you are the Wuhan you are the wuhan of internet content yes and i keep pushing that nickname i've been pushing it for the last five years and it it came so relevant about this time last year i don't know why you hand laws but but phil you've gone epic viral yeah you've gone big time viral more than more than any of us can comprehend right um the tom hiddleston video that was like god i think got up to 65 000 retweets or 75 70 000 something but yeah i mean it's huge i mean that's just i think that's just because it has someone from the avengers in it that's all it is

i just tapped into that i guess your baseline is is so what what are you looking at uh phil for like a basic tweet that you do what would you expect in terms of likes in terms of like your baseline um i think unless it's like late hundreds i'd be disappointed right i mean but it depends it depends what kind of like if there's a tweet that you think is a joke and you want that to go around you want that to be 800 if it's just info if it's like come to my show

those never do very well so I expect those maybe I mean those will get like 50 likes people on Twitter hate it when the person who they follow because they're funny and they'd like to see live sometime tells them how to do that. Yeah, how is the Budpod Twitter account doing? Are you still hemorrhaging followers?

Well, we're growing slowly, but it's this thing of like two steps forward, 2.1 steps. Yeah, so in the week when you're not tweeting yeah just during that week it grows steadily yeah just retweeting listener content or listeners being like oh this is exactly how marjorie would climb out of a vent or something you know and you go oh yeah it is and you retweet that and that kind of works whereas if you go new episodes out people go i'm sick sick of this at d-h-o-t-y-a 107 episodes of bud pod don't think so there's no way this will last me on 20 episodes yeah i think that was about where i started actually yeah because the first first lot i

was like you know what i'll let them find their feet i'll let them find their feet and boy i think what happens when someone starts a new uh podcast of someone you know you're just like oh yeah well done yeah and then you're like after a little while you're like oh you know what actually i will have a proper listen to that i'll put some time in it but everyone's doing so much of it it's just like you can't go to every dinner party right yeah i mean so you take your time. Everyone we know makes content. Yeah, it's too much. It's how we communicate with each other. I think I know stuff about people that I know personally,

mainly from the content. I don't talk to him. Yeah, I found out Harriet had got a dog called Sunil Patel the dog from her podcast. Yes, yeah, exactly. I have friends who don't stay in touch with me as much because they listen to this and they go well i've hung out with pierre weekly yeah i'm completely up to date with him that well i find that if you're just listening

to the podcast and occasionally you just out loud just go uh-huh yeah yeah oh yeah then it just that does your socializing i mean it's about as much input I normally have in the group conversation anyway. If there's more than two people in the room, I become non-audience member, basically. Callous, callous wang. I'm not like plotting to kill him. It's just that...

No, no. But you don't see any need to, you know, you don't feel a need to leap in no no no no i i find that um sometimes i get freaked out when i just go on like you should go okay i'll look on netflix or look on amazon prime or whatever and then you just go oh right um there are 11 7 series 20 episodes a series crime thrillers from the last five years that not only have I not seen, I haven't heard the titles and I've never heard of anyone in them.

And there's another seven from every country in the world. There's a Spanish one on there. There's a one from like, not like a southern Taiwan. It's not even a Taiwanese, right? It's the southern. southern taiwan it's not even a taiwanese right it's the southern and it's just like the avalanche of content becomes like briefly visible above your head like the spaceship from independence day and you go oh god and then you remember that all of your friends are doing podcasts and doing stuff and the scale of it yes if any of it survives archaeologically, we're going to look mental. I can never

decide if there is not enough representation in media or far too much representation. Is everyone represented now? Have we gone too far the other way? It feels like an insane thing to say now

that we need to improve representation. Because we're all individually represented yeah we all have a yeah when you can watch a working class peruvian homicide procedural now right now i could find it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and also like i find that the ones um from there was a polish one, I think, which the titles must be more enigmatic in the home language because I think the Polish one I saw on Netflix last night is just called The Crime.

I thought that can't be as stupid in Polish. You think someone in Poland just Googling that, surely someone's done this just google it google it exactly oh we got it we bagged it boys thecrime.com whereas sometimes and then there's other ones they'll be like like you say a peruvian one or like uh there could be like a turkish one i think there's a turkish one on netflix as well but they'll just be called something like murdersders, or The Scene, or stuff like that. And there's just so few. The Field,

The Woods. There's lots of The Nouns, where The Noun is an area where a body might be found. The Bridge. I didn't even start the Scandi Crimeys. Yeah, they're alright, but again,

another avalanche of uh of content too much content well i thought i thought when it came when someone that comes around i go oh i'll watch it next week and then by next week there's already five more they read they just reproduce like some alien and like oh there's more and you can't and then you just don't bother starting anywhere because there's too much. Yeah, and they all have different gimmicks. All the detectives have different little gimmicks to make them special. You know what they should do is they should release a TV show that has no audio. It's just subtitled so that you can listen to a podcast at the same time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, black and white movies come back so you can double up on the content yeah because you've got to get through it like they brought out the you know one and a half and two times listening speed for podcasts yes yes yes yes yes and they can you can do that on netflix with some tv shows as well you can watch at different speeds yeah which i think is you know scorsese is he's an old-timer and he's livid about sort of roller coaster cinema and all of that uh but there are elements of watching a film where you're like okay well just don't watch a film if you're going to watch it at two times speed although the i i think i think the irishman is an example where I think that's fair enough.

Yeah, eight times speed for the Irishman. I guess that does make them move more like young people. I was about to say, yeah, that's the only way that their fight could look like. It was the fight of anyone under a thousand years old, like a mummy. These stiff-shouldered punchers. Which aspects of content and posting and virality and online, Stu, do you find to be sort of, not like overwhelming, but like give you pause or make you think like,

oh, where's that going to go? Do you have anything that you think, oh. This is why I try not to put anything very personal up online. Or if I do, it's done in, it's never done in like a spur of the moment post or tweet or something like that it's like put it's filtered through either a live show or a short film or something like that because then i've had time to think and reflect on what i want out there that somebody could in the big database of me i I think that's actually great. I think it's become a rare and precious thing for someone online not to be earnest

and to actually keep a bit of themselves to themselves and actually make jokes and content that just exist for their own merit and not in order to express some dark element of their psyche or their emotional state or their personal history what i'm saying to you is that you're a hero yes i think right there's that whole thing of when you're a stand-up right and you've got you give the audience a bit of information you should also give them a joke uh-huh yeah yeah that's oh have we met are we supposed to do that oh no

oh i did not find i did i was not told that note i said the same on twitter like you're if you're a comic and you're trying to do to make a serious point you've got to put a it's got to be done through the filter of a joke, right? Otherwise, what is this? You've got aspirations of being a political commentator only. It's like everyone wants to be the mayor at the moment. Why does everyone want to be the mayor? Everyone's running a campaign to be the mayor.

Going on Twitter right now, it's just like driving down a street of and are outside everyone's house is their own signboard that says vote me for what what's happening i definitely feel like if i want to be like here's a thing here's a serious thing that i think maybe you should pay attention to i'll retweet someone who's more qualified, who's making that point, rather than making it myself. I feel that's a better way of doing it. Yeah, I do the same thing, and also to avoid any of the issues

of qualification, but also, should you be getting involved, or whatever it is? The times where I've got involved myself, where I've thought, no, no, I can legitimately do this, I think. very very it's like one or two maybe ever yeah yours is about the issue of whether or not cats tails should be removed yes yeah anti yeah anti them getting not removed you're anti them getting so you think they should be removed? Quite, yes, yeah So they're all like Isle of Man cats, yeah

Why don't you want cats to have balance? I think they're too balanced Yes, that's fair though, that is fair I think it gives them an unfair advantage over the rest of God's creatures What's the highest point you've fallen off of, Stuart? Oh, okay I just think of cats and how they can flip around and land on their feet How high? I've never asked this to anyone before What's the highest you've fallen off? Oh. I just think of cats and how they can flip around and land on their feet.

How high? I've never asked this to anyone before. What's the highest you've fallen off? Can I answer for my dad first? Oh, okay. Sure. This has never happened before. That's how we prefer it on Bud Pop. Yeah, why not?

Dad first. We call it father's answer. Please, father's answer. Please, father's answer, and then you may... It's a logical fallacy, isn't it, the father's answer? Yeah, it's quoted a lot in Hansard in Parliament, where people say, the vulnerable member's merely given father's answer, to my question.

When my dad was six or seven maybe eight he um fell out of the first floor window but he fell well i find it so like you know how ralph falls no when he i think he gets thrown and he just sort of goes headfirst into the ground yeah but he also fell through a greenhouse whoa headfirst into the ground and it's so funny to think about a like a small child falling out of the first floor window and just completely rigid not even considering what's about to happen going headfirst through a green pattern into the floor.

And he was okay. Like a sort of lollipop. No, he died. He died, but luckily he at seven years old he'd put his sperm to one side. They froze his testicles there in the greenhouse. This is something i've always wondered about

because it happens a lot in films like someone like the good guys will fall out of the building and then they'll smash through a glass roof and then they'll land in the bit under the glass roof and i always think did the glass roof make it worse or better actually because i think sometimes you think maybe that makes it better because it slowed you down yeah yeah a little bit of resistance if you hit on your back like if you landed it on your back like not with your face because then it would get cut but if it was on your back then yeah it would surely slow you down and as long as you're lucky with the shards and if you're wearing your famous double denim i think that might really help actually yeah because that's what it's made for actually to be durable um i've never worn double okay so we know how we know how high um stewart's dad has fallen and he was fine now he uh he was in hospital for

a couple of months okay fractured collarbone that sounds bad and then went much later in his life he found that he'd like there was a vertebra issue and basically, oh no no there's a little spike, like a little thing that your skull sits on that had shorn off the little part, like the pivot point

and so he went through the majority of his adult life, like going on roller coasters and he was a pilot and you know, doing wild things, but basically always one wrong movement away from just snapping his spinal cord. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Wow. So your dad essentially nailed Final Destination. Yeah. Final Destination. Yeah. Yeah, the Grim Reaper took one look at me and went, cool, done, and then just moved straight on

well i put him through the greenhouse and that's all it said on the contract the rest of it is not my problem you can just figure it out for himself i got i got rid of that little bit at the top of his neck so uh yep he's definitely dead matter of time matter of time that's what time. That's what I reckon. That's astonishing. God almighty. You're quite impressive. Well, I'm so happy to hear about your dad surviving the fall and thriving. And arguably doing more with his neck than me.

In the end. Yeah, so you're famously neck-wrecking. Yeah, I keep that... I barely turn around. I don't look around. If I hear a voice behind me i just have to hope it's not important yeah that's why now that's why all of phil's meetings have to be in rooms with windows that look out over the city yeah so if anyone addresses something to you

you can you can just stay at the window and it seems enigmatic instead of insane that's right it looks like i'm it looks like powerful instead of i just can't turn around i don't want to i'm too scared um the highest i that's why you haven't stopped being friends with bonnie tyler isn't it the arguments god i once i was i was running around town as a teenager with a couple of pals at night, and for some reason... Is this a rap? Yeah, it's the start of my sitcom.

I was like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme tune. I was running around town with a couple of pals like I was in the 1980s. When I twisted my neck and it got real bad and there's one point where we had to climb over like a brick wall to get out of a park or a graveyard or something on out onto the street and yeah i was a bit tipsy but i thought i can do this this is fine and i jumped off the top of this wall and i don't know you know when you when you have to drop down from somewhere a bit higher than normal,

you think it's going to be fine. And then there's a moment as you're dropping where your mind goes, this is going on a bit longer than I thought it would. It's actually taking like a microsecond longer than I had hoped. And you start like going, oh God, what's this impact going to be like? And you're landing just concertina like a cartoon just go schlong.

That's the highest I can remember dropping. There's that extra second where you go, oh this will be fine. It's not fine. Yeah. But you think like, dropping that much feels like that. can you imagine dropping like oh dropping any higher any higher than like five feet five feet feels like that feels like that's

a big force when you hit the ground yeah do you ever see that story about the someone someone jumped off a skyscraper or fell out of a window on a skyscraper and they landed on like a kind of like not the ground but like a kind of tin roof under the tall building it was in the far east somewhere and they slammed into it and they survived they had like bruises and some broken bones but it was like 20 stories or something there's a few there's a few cases of people surviving it and you just think what is that you must dream about that for the rest of your life right all your falling dreams are not realistic I guess tin is pretty ideal right

it's the crumple zones you dissipate that energy throughout the metal yeah that would be the perfect thing to land on also I guess after a point it doesn't matter how high you fall from because you've hit your terminal velocity and you'll be the same if you jump out of a plane or if you jump out of a particular floor

of a building that's true that's what you tell all those poor people Phil It'll be the same if you jump out of a plane or if you jump out of a particular floor of a building. That's true. That's what you tell all those poor people, Phil, in an attempt to seduce them into getting into the plane. That would be good if you went skydiving. You're expressing your privilege there. Look, at a certain point, it doesn't actually... It's the same as just a big building.

You're going to splat. You may as well splat from inside this plane. Oh, man. God. I've jumped from a sort of a breakwater. A breakwater? Like a concrete, you know, like in a bay. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's from your sailing days. Why? This is... A breakwater. I don't understand what a breakwater is it's like they put it in to create a safer version of a bay oh yes yes yes it goes in like a kind of wall

it becomes like the gates of the sea yeah yeah yeah and they can be flat on top and have benches on you know you can walk on them yeah yeah gotcha got they can be flat on top and have benches on them. Yeah. You know, you can walk on them and stuff. Yeah, yeah, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. There's one in the... I think it must have been Port Erin on the Isle of Man where people would...

When the tide was in, so it wasn't, like, really high, people would go tombstoning off the tip of the breakwater into the bay because it was very deep. So you wouldn't, like... The water bit was fine, but... And tombstoning is going straight down, like leg straight. I think so. Just jumping into water from a cliffy thing.

I don't know. I've never, it was never clear on what it was supposed to be like technically, but. How did it get its name? Sorry, could I, you didn't say any questions,

but you stopped talking. So I thought it would be a good time to ask. How, yeah. I have a question. Well, it's not really a question. It's a thought that I've had that I'd like to express to this room full of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd like to tell a short story. To a scientist at the front of the room. Yeah, where I'm a main character. Yeah, exactly. So I don't know how high that must have been. Seven feet six. Well, so I'm going to probably

this is going to be a big clang, I guess. This is going to be me tombstoning in a celeb reference. Well, it's Joel Domet's wedding. There you go. I went to Joel Domet's wedding in Mykonos. And we jumped off of Joel Domet. Did you jump off one of his biceps?

Oh my god. Is this the highest point? We did one morning on this private beach that they had at this hotel. Him and his CrossFit buddies were doing a CrossFit session so I thought I'd join them, just see how I coped. And

as they all one by one just took their shirts off to get started at like 8am on this private beach just staring and thinking well this is not going to go well just in a UFC ring oh no and they they all lined up. So on the beach, they had like cut out logs as like tables. So it was like that sort of vibe, big like chunky logs. And they all had theirs to do their squats where you hold on to the log. And then they just got one out. They found the smallest one on the beach to hand to me. Here you go.

Here's your little training log. But there was a bit out to sea. Oh, this is such a dumb thing to interrupt you for. I think I saw chunky logs at the Camden Roundhouse. Anyway. Sorry. So they got you the least chunky, chunky log. Yeah.

They got you the least chunky, chunky log. Yeah, and it was very demoralizing. Part of it was to swim out to this, I'd say, maybe 15 foot, 20 foot high cliff part, which you could climb up. You swim out to there and back, then you do your squats, then you back out and back. But later on in the day people were jumping off of that whilst hammered and i i think i managed to get up to about seven eight feet and

then i was like you know what who am i trying to impress right now yeah this is terrifying just being stood here i'm gonna just do a daintyty little jump and then just go about my life but yeah tombstoning it was named with a very good reason tombstoning so dangerous the undertaker it's not just like because you're going head first

vertically down because you're placing yourself like a tombstone into the sea yeah maybe that's it I don't think it's just that you're killing yourself but a lot of people are isn't the scary thing about the sea aren't we all agreed that

we don't know what's under that first layer we've all agreed we all agree right guys I mean stop me if you disagree but I don't know what's down there. I don't want to be giving father's answer here. The fact is we don't have a blimmin' clue. I find the sea spooky.

I don't like it. I don't like open water. I don't want to ever go scuba diving. Yeah, horrible. So spooky. Horrible. I just imagine a kraken coming up all the time. At least if you're in some spooky woods,

it's 360 degrees around you. It's not above and below and at a weird angle that's just only if you had an eye on your ankle, you could see. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You're not in like a ball of terror or space yeah and also all of

that strength that I've already expressed that I have is somewhat useful when I'm on land in some way there's nothing I get what, how strong are humans percentage wise in water compared to land

it's like saying, okay, the threat could come from any direction. They are probably about as fast as a car in a parking lot, minimum, maybe a car in a school zone. Essentially, it's a missile with teeth on the end, and you're in slow motion. Enjoy. Even the best swimmer in the world,

even Michael Phelps is the equivalent of the worst shark. He is like a loser shark. He's the shark they leave behind. If Michael Phelps was a dolphin, they'd have considered killing him out of consideration for the safety for the rest of the party. They go, we can't have Michael Phelps with us. He makes us more vulnerable do you believe that dolphins save

people's lives like if you're out at sea would you would you go like i have heard this happen and jump on a dolphin or would you wait for like a signal from them like a click click click you know what it would it would depend on what part of the world I was in. Wow. Because I reckon dolphins do save humans' lives if you're in the part of the world where their experience of humans is tourists and people who are dying who want to swim with them and feeding them and stroking them.

And so in dolphins' heads, it's like, right, the boats are free food and stuff, like the free food people. Whereas if I was in a part of the world where dolphins were just stabbed with boat motors and stuff and just like hunted like japan or florida or somewhere horrible i'd be like uh-uh they're gonna they're gonna leave me to die here or they're gonna bump me to death with their weird noses i'm not not going to leap on that. Didn't Dick Van Dyke get rescued by a dolphin?

What? Is that true? Yeah. He was brought as a shore by a dolphin. You forgot this story, Stu. That's not his birthing story. He wasn't brought by the dolphin. I don't remember the details but he was out let me have a quick little Dick Van Dyke

dolphin Dick Van Dyke legend poor poises rescued Dick Van Dyke yeah Mary Poppins star feared dead after apparently falling asleep on his surfboard but friendly sea creatures pushed him to shore he fell asleep on his surfboard

yeah I was going to say, how much of a chill surfer dude do you have to be to fall asleep on a surfboard? Oh, it is boring out here. Ooh. Yeesh. I've never been more knackered in me life than I am on this surfer boardy.

When I was a kid, I thought that was such a good impression. I assumed it was an amazing Cockney accent. How old were you when you first met a Cockney? Oh, very old, I guess. That's a good question. Oh, gosh. Must have been like when I was 19.

The first time I came to London, maybe. I don't know. Oh, my word word what was it like bright lights do you go to the starry west end the glittering west end yeah yeah yeah um i went everywhere by london eye and uh yeah i i i went everywhere by the sites the city seeing city sightseeing branded buses. I thought that was the only way you could get around. You thought those were just the normal buses. And you're like, Jesus, this is expensive. It's so informative.

What's the quickest way to get from South Bank up into the air and then back to South Bank? Yeah, we visited South Bank. We visited the sky above south bank i uh i i thought i'd met a cockney because an art teacher we had an art teacher at school who we all accused of being a sort of cockney fish wife but she was just from essex yeah Yeah, that's a confusing one. Because we were up north, and so as far as we were concerned,

she was practically the hitcher from the Mighty Boosh. She was just so from the south. She was like Nancy from Oliver Twist, basically. Yeah, exactly. And so we would make all these jokes to her, but she's just from Essex or Surx or you know surrey or just somewhere just a general estuary accent so she was always just completely baffled by them and she'd be like i'm not a cockney and we'd be like oh that sounded awful like a cockney saying that and just continually reference apples and pears

or whatever and it wasn't it was so from her point of view it was so inaccurate that she wasn't even annoyed yeah like where but why would she even be it was just wrong yeah it wasn't, it was so, from her point of view, it was so inaccurate that she wasn't even annoyed. Yeah, like, why would she even be? It was just wrong. Yeah. It wasn't like insulting. Whereas like you in Malaysia with Dick Van Dyke, we were just like, this is it. This is what it is. Yeah. So how old were you when you met a Cockney? My dad's side are all, Peckham, which I think counts as Cockney. I think so. That's Bow Bells. Can you hear Bow Bells all peckham which i think counts as cockney i think so that's bow bow bells can

you hear bow bells from peckham i think i think you can they love all that rhyming slang and then whenever you'd go to like big family events you know like funerals or fights um they they have one of their favorite things to do was write down on a big on a bit of paper they found uh the letters m a b and then it's a big horse and then they'd point they'd show it to someone and say can you can you say that out loud and they'd go um m a b it's a big horse and then the rest the rest of the room would go it's because i'm a londoner what what m a b it's a big horse. And then the rest of the room would go, it's because I'm a Londoner. What? What?

M-A-B, it's a big horse. I'm a Londoner. M-A-B, it's a big horse. Maybe it's because. Oh. Maybe it's a big horse. I still don't really get it. It's a big.

They loved it. It's a big horse sounds like it's because. Oh, M-A-B, M-A-B. So M-A-B, maybe. And what's that from? Maybe it's because I'm from London. Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner. Is that a song?

Because all the Cockney songs start with the vowels. That I am a Londoner. Instead of maybe, it's just M-A-B. That's that weird ah sound. Yeah, yeah, okay. So I think that gives them their cockney cards that sounds pretty cockney to me and also i can't say cockney cards without making without going more cockney yeah also cockney cards uh listeners you can't see

uh sue we're all on a zoom but when he said cockney cards he winked and jumped in the air and his heels did a little click sorry sorry i just got to finish eating these eels have you eaten eels no way why no way am i doing that scary scary what if they've been jellied and they're helpless i'm not scared that they're alive and they're gonna sit inside me and grow like in that rugrats episode where they ate a seed i did i i was on um uh the show unforgivable unforgivable with mel gidroych on dave and i was on with harry redknapp who um that's him in it the football manager the um and he he's he's very cockney and his story one of his stories is literally about being left in charge

with a bucket of jelly deals by a cabbie. And it's like, did you make this up? We believe it, you're Cockney, whatever. You don't even make up this story. That's like a story that Amazon Prime would invent using keywords. That's like, yeah, if Harry Redknapp was some sort of cockney Terminator sent from the future, they'd sort of program it with like cabby eels. Your old man, Lambeth. Say Lambeth. Oh, they love doing the lambeth walk

they do the lambeth walk all the all the time what is that is it like you have your arms up or something and you do a little stretch yeah and you're like stepping your legs are stepping across each other's sort of is it you know like the monkeys hey hey we're the monkeys they do that leg stepping across each other yeah yeah with a line up i'm pretty sure they used to do that for doing the lambeth walk as well yeah but i think it was all just sort of as soon as everyone was like yeah we're landowners then they just it was you do whatever you like then and then you can how does an area come up with a walk like what was it about the terrain of Lambeth

that required this particular gate? Or was it just the quickest way of getting around? Yeah, just really narrow and narrow. In those days, all of Lambeth were some rope bridges. So the locals naturally... Stu, do you think there is a cultural link? The locals naturally are. Stu, do you think there is a cultural link? Do you think that you're a digital Cockney?

Because much like a clever Cockney marketplace guy, you've crafted your tweets, and with a nudge and a wink and a bit of charm, you've managed to sell them as as as events to unilad and and twitter at large you say i'm like alan sugar with an amstrad in the back of my van and yeah exactly and you can come up with a little story like uh tell you what it was just it was just bird right put her plates on another bird's table and then i what i did and then you've got like everyone sort of enthralled because there's this kind of Tell you what, it was just bird, right? Put her plates on another bird's table. And then I, well, I did. And then you've got like everyone sort of enthralled

because there's this kind of, you've inherited this Cockney charm. Do you think that that's a part of it? Do you think you're breaking away from your roots? Yeah, I think, promise now that we're talking about this side of the family, I keep on dropping my THs. I'm leaning into it more and more yeah um i definitely so the uh the dirty plates cafe drama yeah was a real thing that

happened but then obviously i just went well that can't just be it right yeah this thing that happened and then i had to leave the cafe so you just got to expand on it oh yeah the dirty plates tweets I thought it was gobsmacking the initial incident was enough to gobsmack me but everyone says like oh what a surprise that these things always happen to comedians about stuff like that and you're like well yeah because we're trained

to tell stories of a small thing what happened again with, remind me what happened with the dirty plates lady? Just a first instance. I saw a woman, I was in an empty cafe, I saw a woman move dirty plates

from the table she wanted to sit on to the only other table that was occupied was another woman's table. Astonishing. Astonishing. Absolutely scholarship. A scholarship. Absolutely incredible. Such a fuck you.

And how did this lady react when she was at the occupied table? She looked absolutely flummoxed, like, what the hell are you doing? And then started moving them back to the original table. And so then they were just moving plates back and forth between their own tables that's bizarre when there was like 10 other tables that were completely empty and there was staff just standing around not doing anything that's astonishing but but you say like where people say well these things always happen to comedians and part of it is as you say we're the ones who are trained and have to make our money by telling stories that are small things but also we're the ones who by virtue of trying to look for things are observing we're actually looking around

and noticing these things and stuff whereas um i mean some people are better at than others uh phil uh well i mean i'm sure we all know jason from from daphne jason forbes who is in the sketch group daphne with you phil he has this incredible luck or not luck, depending on how you view it, with nutters and overhearing astonishing bits of conversation. Every time you see him, he's got some story about some crazy person who came up to him and him specifically and did something insane. Yeah. Glenn Moore. Glenn Moore has that as well. He describes crazy people as being like, you know know when you're on the upper level of a bus

or in a room or whatever, and then a wasp comes in. And he's the guy who, when he sees it, goes, oh no, there's a wasp. The wasp immediately almost hears that thought and goes, and just goes right for him. But for crazy people, crazy people just sense something about Glenn or Jason

and they just go, this is who i will deliver my my craziness to today i will hand them a slice of crazy pie whereas i don't think that many funny things happen to me or around me like i don't my my stand-ups aren't really stories it's just like thoughts well your funny things are internally produced yeah yeah well they're about they're about you and the way you see the world and stuff. It's not like someone comes up to you and then that gave you the thought. You pondered, I think. You're a pondering.

I think I also do avoid, actively avoid potentially funny situations because I can't be arsed. I've seen Phil refuse to get into a car and into a pub when there was a priest and a rabbi in there already. I've seen you hold your hands up and go, I can't be seen here.

I know where this is going. Phil, the number of banana peels you've picked up off the floor and carefully put in the bin, honestly. Speaking of content, Stu, you've got a new piece of online content. Online content, finally. Someone's had the courage to do it.

To try it, see if it works. I mean, people usually go online to send emails or search up information they need or do research but you've decided that you're gonna put something funny on there yeah now i think listeners to this will have to bear with me but it is funny okay okay okay well that's it is funny we've seen it it is funny. It is funny. We've seen it. It is funny.

We can officially recommend it to Budpod listeners. Thank goodness. It's called Grave New World. Yeah, that's it. Grave New World. And it's a four-part series, like 15-minute episodes, so short episodes. It's sort of like a panorama sort of horizon special,

but about what life after lockdown is going to be like so you know we haven't been to the cinema we haven't been to theme parks we haven't been to the petrol stations for you for months and how all these normal things that we took for granted have now changed so obviously it's a stupid sort of slight alternate reality yeah it's like an absurd it's kind of like a time trumpet time trumpet but looking forward i guess yes yeah that's in fact you know what that's the that's the best way i've heard to describe it as you release a show that's a ostensibly about a virus that has killed almost three million people in the world yeah you think how do we market this as a comedy well that's the thing dude like it it sort of is the central

um what's the word dilemma for comedians i guess anyone really creating anything at the moment is how much to address the pandemic how and we're trying to guess like are people going to be interested hearing more about something they've had to endure for a year and a half at least? Or will they want to just forget about it and move on and try and act like life is back to normal again? I guess you've very much, you know, you've tombstoned headfirst into the idea that people will want to hear about the pandemic. Yeah. And it's also difficult as well where you say oh it's killed this many people but the trouble is that we especially anyone in the west is used to talking about events that kill a large number of people as not being events that they were also in

whereas world war ii killed lots of people but because it involved everyone there were world war ii comedies about world war ii coming out in the late 40s and even in the 50s because everyone felt a sense of ownership over the topic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People could say, well, I was in the war. We were all in the war. Let's have a laugh about it or let's make fun of certain elements of it. Whereas we're used to it being something like the war in Afghanistan. So that doesn't belong to you.

That belongs to the sort of 8 000 people who were ever there whereas this is for everyone i think you i think your your your thing is going to be it's going to be popular because it's about everyone and the civilian effect well that's a kind thing to say and i think it does make me more aware of why on the 15th of September 2001 my What Are Skyscrapers Now Like comedy series didn't really go down very well. Your observational comedy about new airport security. I hope... That's funny, isn't it?

The more people... So what you're saying, Pierre, is actually the mathematical rule is the more people are disaster kills, the more appropriate it is to joke about it. The more people per head of the population as spread out.

Right, okay. If it's all in one place, then it's still no-no. That's true. And that's why Diana jokes are still not okay. Yeah, that's why no one's ever told a Diana joke. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Whereas if everyone lost an uncle to something everyone then yeah everyone's allowed to make jokes if they feel like they can because it's everyone's right that would have been such a

absolutely incredible little detail at the end of uh infinity war if and i was clicking his fingers, killed everyone's uncle. And then they realised the glove was set to uncle. There's just a dial that says uncle, everyone, Princess Diana. There's just all these that says uncle everyone princess diana there's just all these god children to kill all the uncles instead of snapping his fingers he has to do an i got your nose with the glove yeah um stew grave new world where and when can bud pod listeners find this for goodness sake

so on march 31st on vimeo on demand we're releasing uh it there for episodes you can buy or rent and after that we are releasing it elsewhere we can't confirm where that is but vimeo on demand is like the first release and then it's going to go wider after that. But basically, Vimeo On Demand is your way of actually, you get a better profit share there. It's kinder to the creator than anywhere else. Be kind to your creators, everyone. Please be kind to your Cockney creators.

So it is four episodes. Yeah, four episodes yeah four episodes it's sort of um it's all about sort of emerging after after lockdowns and so we've got like interviews with like experts in it so relationship experts played by sadia as matt your risk analyst is played by rose johnson your fizzy drinks expert is james acaster your conspiracy nutter is heidi regan great um so everyone's really playing towards their strengths in this yeah yeah um uh james's character is called fizz gamble oh so a little something there for anyone who knows of of james is one of james's friends a little something there for people who've heard of the little known podcast Off Menu.

Hmm. Where they once mentioned Bud Pod accidentally. What was this again? Do you remember this? They were talking about chocolate and Ed and James, one of them went, you know when a chocolate comes in a, what is it, a bud? And then James went, pod!

And someone clipped that. And someone clipped that as if it was them kind of secretly acknowledging a bud. And did your listeners just go through the roof? Yeah. Actually, I was going to say earlier with the viral thing, you can see on the Bud Pod listener graph the Tom Hiddleston video coming out it is just like a needle in the chart just

it comes straight back down once people realise this podcast has nothing to do with Tom Hiddleston yeah yeah yeah or vitamins or vitamins that's my entire Twitter experience is just every now and then like a huge bump in my followers followed by six months of dwindling as they realize,

oh, he doesn't always tweet about dirty plates or he doesn't always tweet videos of him calling a mobile phone number that a horse answers. Well, yeah, that's the mad thing about like Twitter at the moment or like now. It's like from time to time you see... You know how What's This Face said in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes? Andy Warhol, yeah.

Who said that now? It was Andy Warhol, wasn't it? Couldn't be. No, what I was trying to do there was like a joke about how the guy who said that wasn't famous enough to be remembered. But it was difficult to sort of get that. It was quite... For some reason, Andy Warhol is one of those names

that I can never remember. And I know him. I know all his quotes. I have so many quotes that I know that Andy Warhol said. But every time I bring him up, I have to go, what is his fucking name? It's because I don't encounter the name Warhol enough in everyday life.

But anyway, I think now it's like everyone will be viral for a tweet. And you'll see a tweet that's got literally 100,000 retweets. It's seen by more people on the internet that day than any other page. And you click on the account and they have

4,000 followers. And it doesn't go up. Yeah. It's as if now Twitter used to be someone kind of stepping forward from the crowd and saying i'm spartacus and everyone would would would follow them as the leader whereas now it's someone who steps up and goes i'm spartacus and everyone goes and then they just go back to whatever they were doing before and yeah and at some point they go hi remember that guy who was spartacus i was quite funny. He's like, yeah. And the only person who makes money out of it

is BuzzFeed at the end of the year. Yeah, yeah. Where they do 12 best Spartacuses month by month. Phil, you must get, the Hiddleston must get into those BuzzFeed lists quite regularly. You just only get a bump. I never see it referenced

really. I think like... It's on YouTube on an account that's not yours. Oh, okay. As like an account that just generally puts viral content up as a kind of look at this, you know. I think you just sign up for that.

If you make something you put on Twitter, you sign up for the understanding that people will just take it. When you put you make something you put on Twitter, you sign up for the understanding that people just take it. When you put up the Hiddleston video, you were like, what's his face inventing the internet? This is for everyone. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, I mean, it's nuts. I mean, more people quote that to me than say,

my life of the Apollo set. You know, like the time has gone away you know the most you'd be seen on is like one of the big tv shows now it's like yeah yeah you know yeah people say tom hiddleston to me more than anything else really i mean it's that and then the taskmaster outfit those are the two things people say to me it's it's also like it's amazing what people are more likely to watch or send. I've been on TV a couple of times, but the only time where people have actively texted photos of their television to me and my mum and my friends saying, is this your friend? Was when I had a three minute bit on a, do we remember the Big Bang Theory?

when I had a three minute bit on a, do we remember the big bang theory? Or like, I had to sit in a chair and, and remember my favorite moments from the big bang. I remember this. Yeah. Man, oh man.

People like, like within minutes of it airing, like my dad, my mom and dad's like neighbor was like ringing them and be like, ah, just that way more social coverage than anything I've ever done that I am, you know,

actually proud of. And in retrospect, Pierre, was that exposure worth people now thinking you like a Big Bang Theory? It's a deal with the devil. It's a deal with the devil, that's for sure. I once did Arnie's greatest stunts which is um

arnold schwarzenegger apparently at some god because you've always been going on about it that's why i asked you what the highest point you've ever jumped off of was because i'm just always thinking about stunts and uh yeah i was one of the talking heads and talked about like this wasn't even stunts that arnold schwarzenegger has done is the idea was that these were just general stunts that apparently arnold schwarzenegger really likes and at some point he put in a voice of his at number 15 is the guy who jumped with a motorbike of a and so i just had to talk about a guy jumping a canyon with a motorbike like it was a formative experience in my life when i saw that but you you just have to play the game man you

have to play the game i i asked i said that with the big bang theory i watched it when i was in school because it's been on for so long and like as a teenager i watched it and then i just didn't and i was like is that okay i mean i'm not like up to date or anything and they were like yeah yeah yeah but then they would still ask me about stuff like way beyond so i had to like i had to style it out where they were like what about that episode where howard invented a robot hand that he wanked himself off with at the end of the episode and i genuinely was going to go oh fuck you it did that happened in an episode have you seen the uh uh big bang theory clip with with all the laughters yes but ricky gervais's laughter is added yeah that's genuinely one time that i went viral when i posted that link

just to it so i didn't steal the content the content. I wouldn't do anything like that. But Sarah Silverman retweeted me and she doesn't follow me. Wow. And then suddenly, but it's weird when you're going viral for someone else's, sharing a link to someone else's content.

Yeah, that's why it's great content. People love quote tweeting. This. This. I do that occasionally I do a OMG who made this and it will just be like a video

which is just like the latest Star Wars trailer or OMG who made this or just the shard who made this Or just The Shard. Who made this? Well, thanks very much for coming on, Stu.

And so, okay, so March the 31st on Vimeo On Demand. Vimeo? Vimeo On Demand. So you could go to gravenewworldseries.com and it will be there. It's actually some of the bits from it, some of the reports like going to the cinema was born from viral threads that I did. So I did like a thread that was like,

for the first time in four months, I went to the cinema yesterday and this is how that normal experience is now different. So yeah, it's available there for quite a low price. Support your creators. That's right. Blah, blah, blah. And you've made it in, I guess,

probably pre-testing times to be filming things with actual human beings in them yeah and to be honest that was part of the way that I could get people to be in it for in otherwise very difficult circumstances where they were like

so I would be in a room with another person yeah I'll do it whatever you want I'm doing Arnie's Greatest Stunts again next week just so I would be in a room with another person? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it whatever you want. Oh, yeah, I'm doing Arnie's Greatest Stunts again next week, just so I can talk to a sound guy. Hang out with the great man himself. Well, thanks so much for coming on, man. And yeah, everyone do check out...

Thanks so much for having me. I'm a huge fan of the pod. Do check out Grave New World, and we're huge fans of your stuff. It's true. Now, can I do a shout-out? If anybody out there does want to listen to a good podcast, check out BudPod. Yes. It's true. Now, can I do a shout out? If anybody out there does want to listen to a good podcast, check out BudPod.

Wow, thanks. Appreciate it, man. Now that's character. Now that's character. That's loyalty. I might send in some correspondence, actually, at some point, because it would be fun to have that read out in about six months' time. Yeah, yes. Yeah, when it's contextually baffling. some point because it would be fun to have that read out in about six months time yeah yes yeah

when it's when it's when it's a contextually baffling yeah are we going to do it in reply to this i'll explain whether or not someone from peckham is in fact a copy yes yes okay great that sounds good all right thanks very much for coming thanks to you have a good one thank you goodbye everybody enjoy