BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 108 A - Don't Make His Mistake!

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

Hayfever is here! Phil finds hospitals eerie and Pierre can't fight tree jizz. Gilette nonsense. Predicted outrage. BBC clickbait and BBC civilisation. Pierre is boring about life expectancy. Correspondence: the boys have their laughs analysed, bio-boost bowel emptying, gut biota survey flirting from Dr Poo Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 108. 108, 100 and late? Yeah, I mean, we've done the 2000 and late, 2000 and great. Yeah. What was all that we said before? It was, we were talking, I think we talked about how it was sort of the most devastating thing you could say in 2009 and maybe 10. Okay, yeah, yeah. How are you doing i'm all right the hay fever is killing me i'm sorry if i sniff everyone i hate them as much as you do yeah it's that time of the year you're like um you're like the first groundhog of spring, basically. When you start getting hay fever, that means that winter is truly over.

Yeah, it's all done. It's also because I definitely get the early one where it's like, every time I say, oh, I always get my hay fever early, people always go, oh, trees? What does that mean? It's supposedly the tree pollen gets jizzed first and then the grass jizzes. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you can't handle all that tree jizz.

Or it's the other way around. I don't remember. Yeah, you can't handle the tree jizz. I can't handle the tree jizz. It's too powerful for me. And I'm happy to admit that, my weakness. Do you not get it at all? I thought one year maybe I had it, but no.

My dad has hay fever. I don't know if it's congenital, but I don't think so. I've never noticed getting sick around hay. Not that I have been exposed to that much raw hay in my personal life but i don't recall me ever needing an ambulance if i've your dad has hay fever you can develop it as you get older great something to look forward to all right hang on i genuinely like i blew my nose the second before we started recording. I've got to do it again.

Hang on, one second. This is ridiculous. You have to do it again as, like, a ritual? Is this an OCD thing? I have to blow my nose three times. Anytime Phil says his dad has hay fever, I blow my nose. Ooh, lovely. I don't know what... Oh, my God.

Fucking creaky-ass chair. I don't know what my body thinks it's it's doing by helping i think it doesn't think that there's stuff in my nose is that it's logic this is what i don't understand right about the immune system and and you know like like all the the worst symptoms of a disease i was like that your body's response or like the pneumonia that you got from you get from covid is your body's response and and you and like why the what can my body just stop responding then why is it responding what's the bad bit because you get the virus and all the the when you feel bad all the bad symptoms that's your body fighting the virus but if that's the bad bit, why... Do you know what I mean? Why was your body fighting the virus

if the fighting is the bit that's making you sick? What would the virus actually do if you just didn't react to it? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, what if you had a pacifist body? Am I being stupid here? There's got to be a reason, right?

Like the virus eventually gets so big it climbs into your brain and takes you over? Hmm, maybe. I guess maybe at some point it becomes like those scary zombie fungus that inspired The Last of Us. Yeah. Yeah.

Cordyceps. Yes, it is strange though. You're're right your body is like a kind of almost a sort of a slapstick Mr Bean figure so the more he tries to engage in the problem the sillier it all gets yeah

I don't get this this is why I could never do medicine. My mother's a doctor, and from an early age, if she was ever like, would you want to go into medicine? I'd be like, nope, it's disgusting. Because I'd have to go and...

From time to time, I'd have to go and meet her in the hospital or something. And it'd be horrible, just the death and the smell of... It's all that death smelling so clean. You know what I mean? It's all so sanitised, but everyone's shitting themselves and dying. But then it all smells like everything's just been cleaned.

There's something really eerie about that. Like a murder scene. Yeah, that's right, that's right. A murder scene right after the cleaning team's been in, and you're like, whoa, there's something not right about this. It smells like death hole, but there's red stains everywhere. When stuff is too clean. Yeah.

When everything smells like lemons, faintly, but there's still crime scene tape everywhere. Yeah, that's true. And I find that there's always a slight rubbery smell in hospitals yes yes yes the smell of those gloves and all rubbery sounds a lot of squeaking and and you know it's and all all the chair surfaces are that sort of cheap kind of leather that kind of stick to your skin i don't know maybe i'm generalizing hospitals here but i hate them it's um yeah i i never wanted to most of most of medicine yeah it's like you say it's it's

it's a lot of death and stuff i didn't i didn't think i would get the corresponding high or to balance it out you know what i mean yeah um yeah the high of helping someone you mean yeah well like the high of when you when you win i don't know for me that would balance out all the times i just have to, like, help an old guy shit into my hand. Yeah, I mean, that's most of it, isn't it? Most of it is helping an old guy shit into your hand. And then you have to look at the shit and you have to decide if it's good or it's bad.

You have to do that a hundred times and then you get to tell one kid that they're not sick anymore. It's a really pathetic affliction hay fever, because you know it's about nothing. There's no threat. It's not about anything. Yeah. Well, this is what I mean about your body. It's like, what's this about? Is this all a load of nothing? This is all a load of fuss about nothing. The whole immune system is all a load of fuss about nothing. The whole immune system is all a load of fuss

about nothing. Is this all just that people need to calm down? Is this all it is? That my body can just go to sleep? The immune system is like when there's some anger online

about some development. some anger online about some development. Some anger online about an opinion that people have imagined other people have. So, like, for example, I always remember when the first... When the Lady Doctor Who was first announced. What's her name now? Oh I don't know because I haven't watched Doctor Who

since I was a child. Jodie Whittaker? That's her name isn't it? Yeah. When she was first announced as the first Doctor Who the number of tweets from people like to all the guys all the fucking loser virgins who are upset that there's a female doctor. And I remember seeing somewhere that someone had actually looked at all these tweets.

And the number of tweets compared to the number of, the number of tweets condemning people who were against the female doctor. Yeah. Far, far outnumbered the number of people actually upset about there being a female doctor. And I remember, do you remember that Gillette ad? Maybe I mentioned this before actually. The Gillette ad where they changed the

slogan only temporarily from the best a man can get to the best a man can be. And there was an advert where it'd be like a guise of helping a young boy learn some life lesson or some guy chastising his friend for making a sexist remark. And then it goes, Gillette, the best man can be. I missed this.

And then it said, Gillette, helping men be better. And of course, this caused a stir online. People were like, great, good on Gillette. And Piers Morgan tweeted saying this, new Gillette ad is ridiculous. And then the Gillette Twitter account replied to him saying, we've been waiting for you, Piers. Like all sassy.

Oh, gosh, right. And I just thought, this all smells a bit rank. So I watched this video again, and at the end of the video it says, thebestamancanbe.org and it's like this idea that Gillette had set up some organisation to help with men's issues

or to help men be better, whatever. I thought, it's a bit strange that there isn't actually a link. You have to type this in. So I actually went through the trouble of typing it in. I typed in the best a man can be dot org. And it just redirected to Gillette.com. There's no such thing. There's no such thing.

But they know no one's going to type it in. Because, you know. And it just, it all struck me these people this is the female Doctor Who phenomenon they know people will tweet about an imagined negative reaction to something yeah people will go oh I

haven't heard from my enemies in a while but I imagine they're livid over this and so we now skip a step we skip a step beyond like like every time um uh the issue of uh every time not all men comes up hashtag not all men comes up yeah i never see anyone saying not all men what i see are people going how dare people say not all men and up. Hashtag not all men comes up. Yeah. I never see anyone saying not all men. What I see are people going, how dare people say not all men?

And people going, I see the hashtag not all men is trending. Disgusting. Yeah, it's trending because all the tweets saying, I hate people who say not all men. It's like, we've skipped one whole step of the reaction. We've skipped the actual reaction that we we want to get angry at just the our own angry reaction against the first reaction it's it's a funny logic as well

because when i see isis trending i don't think it's loads of people going like go on lads hashtag isis exactly but anyway what i'm saying is this that's what i think the human immune system is yeah it's it's freaking out about something that actually isn't there. And it is the problem itself. You're saying that when you get pneumonia, it's your body trying to cancel your lungs. Yeah, that's it. That's exactly it.

Yeah. Your lungs have become problematic, and your immune system is... Your immune system has this-ued your lungs have become problematic and your immune system is your immune system has this you'd your lungs with a screen grab of a time that um they were full of mucus yeah is this is this you now that you want to not be full of mucus Yeah. We need to talk about the lungs. People are talking about the lungs, and here's why. Oh, gosh.

It's a man that even the BBC News site is now, like, has to engage in a bit of clickbait and listicles. I mean, we're at an age where the genuine BBC News story is like, I don't know, five reasons why the EU has blocked vaccine exports. It's like, is it important that there are five specific reasons i think i'm just i'm just on the website now and i'm gonna try and find one because it does really fucking annoy me when they do that because the that's definitely someone on the bbc going guys why don't we just be a bit more modern yeah you know like like all the other news websites

and that's like no the whole point in having a kind of insanely funded public broadcaster is to not just blindly walk into the sewer the same as everyone else. Exactly. It's the last bastion of civilization. It's the whole point. Against the barbarian hordes of TikTok. Yeah. Most watched.

Why cutting down trees can be good for the climate yeah i saw that today i was like did bp write this what is this by by by a lumberjack i mean that's still the ultimate maybe good things are bad or like maybe bad things are good kind of story what what is the reasoning i didn't get a chance to look at the story i cannot imagine how cutting down trees can be good if if the conclusion is if you cut down a tree but replace it with six trees it's actually good for the environment i will i will throw shit at the wall if that's the story i don't know what see that i don't know and i'll never know and here's why because a while ago there was a huge thing in all the news websites where they kept using the phrase,

we're pivoting to video. Right. And they all went, we're pivoting to video. Are you ready for the pivot to video? Pivot to video. And the American news websites are the worst for it. MSNBC and CNN are the worst for it. I go on their page and I just want to read quietly to myself

on a bus or something without my headphones in. I don't have my headphones in. And I just want to read a summary of this dispute in the Senate or whatever it is. And it's a seven-minute video with annoying swooshy logos

and an incredibly loud, another dispute? Here's what? Just this like yelling. And yeah, they, they present the latest development in the house as if it's e-news. And also like,

so everyone thought there was going to be this pivot to video and, and there was like articles about it and, and like columns by other journalists saying, here's why it's good or bad. And the loads of newspapers or websites hired video editing whole departments and fired some journalists to free up the money

and it didn't happen but the BBC is persisting in putting on these little fucking videos number four most watched why did this church disappear get fucked I hate this so much. Why did this church disappear? Why did this church disappear? Well, it's not news. I guarantee you it's not news, whatever this is.

By the way, how can cutting down trees be good for the environment? Did you find out? Well, I clicked it, and the summary under the video... Oh, I see. All right, okay. Just says, a massive tree, blah, blah, blah, works to restore an ancient ecosystem which can store far more carbon than trees can. I'm assuming it's a peat bog. Oh, I see. But then this whole

news story could just be, peat bogs better than trees. Because again, right there, it isn't cutting down the tree that's the good thing. It's the peat bog. Ideally, you'd have the trees and the peat bog. Excuse me. Yeah, it's like saying why cutting. Ideally, you'd have the trees and the peat bog. Excuse me.

Yeah, it's like saying, why cutting down trees can be good for the environment when the trees are nuclear? Why did this church disappear? Basically, the Nagorno-Karabakh war between Azerbaijan and Armenia. Oh, yeah. In the invaded territory territory there was a church

a church changed hands in the conflict and was destroyed. And they're wondering who did it. That's it. Oh, I see. I see. Well, it's not so much disappeared as it's destroyed. Yeah, why did this church disappear implies that there's a church in Middlesbrough somewhere

where everyone just woke up and it's gone. Yeah, like some David Copperfield shit. Yeah, I mean... Speaking of old churches, have you seen the old BBC series Civilization from 1969? Well, you were talking about this the other day. Was I? I think so.

It was good, right? Like an amazing series? I just started it on... Are you sure that wasn't Ken Hom's Food show from the 80s That I was talking about That time Well this is Civilization From 1969 it's on iPlayer

It's so good it's amazing I mean it's Presented by Kenneth Clark I think he's literally a baron And He has Like the worst English teeth I've ever seen. But it's...

He just knows loads of stuff about old Anglo-Saxon statues and churches. And it's just about what makes a civilization. And he tracks over the course of Western civilization. Yeah. And it's just fascinating. It's so good. I think you'd love it. It's really beautiful.

And he's always wearing a suit, no matter where he is in the show. There's bits where he's presenting from a beach or on the edge of a river and he's still in this pristine suit with a pocket fucking handkerchief. It's just from a different time. It's really good. I highly recommend

Civilization. I like that sort of thing where it's sober and reassuring as opposed to just someone like zipping around in bright colors yelling at you. Yeah, that's right. I guess it'll be in the sort of same vein as Cosmos, which I haven't seen, the original Cosmos. Well, it just, it goes back to a time when if you were having a meeting about making a documentary about history and someone in the meeting said, but what if some of the viewers aren't interested in It just goes back to a time when if you were having a meeting about making a documentary about history, and someone in the meeting said, but what if some of the viewers aren't interested in history?

Then the person would just turn around and go, well, then why would they be watching? And that would be the end of that conversation. Yeah, yeah. Whereas there's this constant, like, we've got to try and engage new, you know. And that's very nice. But, for example, there's no amount of we've got to try and engage new you know and that's very nice but for example there's no amount of we've got to try and engage new Blair that's going to convince me to to watch a two-hour documentary 10 episode series about something I'm not interested in that's right that's right if I know I don't like

it at a certain I mean it only makes sense that approach only makes sense if it's aimed at children it's a it's a child's attempt. A child-based thing, isn't it? Like, oh, we've got to make sure 11-year-olds don't miss out. Whereas if you're making something for grown-ups, just make it. Don't stop, you know, all this angst about... What if people who hate this hate it? of people who hate this hate it.

It'd be very difficult for civilisation to be modern BBC news page worthy. Five reasons why the four statues at the entrance to Chartres Cathedral

mark a new age for representation of the human form in Western Europe Did you know the Vikings got to Persia? Huh?

Did you know the Vikings got to Persia? I did know that, it was my whole degree of course They went down the Volga all the way to Persia? Yes, yeah yeah thor in persia that's the new movie isn't it thor in persia yeah man they they traded in baghdad and uh uh harold hadrada who was uh fighting in 1066 you know was nearly the guy instead of William the Conqueror.

He'd served as a mercenary in the Middle East and fought in, I think, Sicily or Sardinia or somewhere as well. Done a few sieges, worked for the Byzantine emperor. What's amazing is how much these people were able to travel back in a time when your life expectancy was 32 years old. Ah, but that's just on average. Ah, so if they were like a king boy, they'd be, what, 40? No, no, the way life expectancy works is that if everyone has 10 kids and 8 of them die at 1... Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

The remaining 2 could all live till they're 70, but the life expectancy would still be like 30. Okay, yeah. But I'm sure we don't have enough records of, you know... Well, we have the bones. I mean, you can tell from the bones. Right, okay. Basically, here's the thing.

Like, the thing people don't understand about life expectancy is that it's a rolling thing. So the life expectancy of a 90-year-old is different to the life expectancy of an 89-year-old. Yeah, yeah, I didn't know that. But the whole point with medieval times is that it was all about dying in childhood or dying when you were an infant.

Once you made it to 14 or 15, you could reasonably expect to live to your 60 or 70. Hey, that's not bad. No, it's fine. I mean, all they're doing is exercise and eating vegetables. I mean, it wasn't, you know. Yeah. Essentially, if you get a wound that gets infected, you're probably fucked.

And if you get any disease, you're fucked. But beyond that, you're essentially doing CrossFit all day that's true that's true um i mean you go back far enough in history and to like biblical times and people are living to you know 158 so obviously it was all right for some didn't methuselah in the bible they say he died at 400. Now, we are going to do some correspondence, I think. We are. It's true. This is a bloated correspondence special, even though half of it is already gone and we haven't done any correspondence.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. I guess in that sense... Do you think this is all episode 108 and just two halves? Or is it 108 and 109? I guess we might as well do the A and B again. We haven't done an A and B for a while. Yeah, we'll do A and B. All right.

Okay, correspondence. We... A quick message from Mungo. we'll do A and B alright okay correspondence we quick a quick message from Mungo Mungo yes wow I don't think

it's his real name okay but dear PNP open brackets ped and breakfast oh yeah okay I like that

which one's ped which one's preck-fist pedicure and preck-fist it's bed and preck-fist yeah but he's spelling it with a P yeah I get it what? no I'm saying I'm trying to think of like ped could be a pedicure

and preck-fist could be a pescatarian breakfast. Oh, I see. You get your feet all shaved or whatever the fuck and then you have a load of herring. Can you eat fish in the morning? It's a...

It's a... It's a big ask. Even for someone like me who can eat almost anything at any time. It's... It's the Japanese and the Scandinavians,

isn't it? The morning fish. Yeah. Yeah. I think I could if it was a sort of brunch scenario. Ooh! So there's a load of booze.

Basically, if it was later in the day, if it wasn't breakfast, you'd be able to do it. I could eat smoked salmon at 11am okay that's an olive branch you're willing to extend yeah maybe half past 10 it depends how early I've gotten up

and what does Mungo say anyway Mungo says just an observation on both of your laughs Phil's laugh sounds like a goose that's extremely happy about laying its first egg. There you go. That one. While Pierre's hearty laugh sounds like Stewie Griffin doing an impression of the Jolly Green Giant. How would he sound?

He's so happy because he's full of vegetables, that guy. That's nice. Yeah. Ho, ho, ho. How would he sound? He's so happy because he's full of vegetables, that guy. That's nice. Yeah. And he just says, I bring news your gospel is spreading through the podcast world. While driving earlier today, your podcast came to an end. And the next podcast he had lined up came on, which was the World War II History Podcast, We Have Ways of Making You Talk, hosted by your friend and mine, Phil, Al Murray. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As well as James Holland, the excellent historian. Imagine my delight, he says, and I hope now yours in hearing them begin a conversation about death and destruction through tanks with a classic fart joke. There you go, spreading. Spreading around. What is it about like just

munitions and farts and poo that go together so well they're all explosions they're all explosions of course they're all

explosions they're all things being shot out of tubes aren't they they're all explosions they're all things being shot out of tubes aren't they it's it's the universal yeah the universal human experience represented yeah

Will gets in touch Will Will gets in touch Will We will read it out now He says, greetings peepee boys And he says, after hearing Pierre read out a spam email on a recent pod I thought the below email I received a few months back would be write up your poo covered street I mean like any street in the medieval age is a poo covered street oh yeah any Tudor street

that's the only reason Shakespeare is impressive is that he could write all that while just wandering around with his legs covered in human shit the sign of a real artist that he could write all that while just wandering around with his legs covered in human shit. The sign of a real artist. He signs off with a joke that only makes sense if I read you the spam email, Phil, so I will do that now. Okay.

So, it is from... The email address it's sent from is something called PeakBioBoost. PeakBioBoost? Hmm. Is it something... Is that like a reputation management service for mountain

climbers? Peak Bio Boost. Do you climb mountains and feel like you're not getting enough goddamn credit? Do you feel like not enough people know where you were born and grew up Well Peak Bio Boost Is a service for you

Sure he's on top of the mountain But who is he Where did he go to school How many brothers and sisters does he have We find out at Peak Bio Boost Peak Bio Boost Here's the subject line Of the email.

It says, 50 plus, eat this to poop daily. Is it food? Gravel. So I suppose it's saying 50 plus plus as in if you're over 50 you should eat this to poop daily yeah wow spam has really moved on from my day

it used to just be about getting your dick bigger now it's just about shitting well now everyone's dicks are so big they can't shit right yeah because all the blood's gone to their dick there's no blood going to the ingestion system they can't shit. Right, yeah, because all the blood's gone to their dick. There's no blood going to their ingestion system. Yeah, their downstairs is imbalanced somehow in a way that makes

shitting impossible. Unless, Phil, unless, unless they eat this. Huh? Unless they eat a peak bio boost No, no, it's a bit weirder So

In the email You know how it really fucks up your mind When in an email people play with font size Oh yeah, yeah, yeah And for some reason they've made the top bit of the email Like size 87 Text and the rest is in 12. They've somehow managed to make an email look like a ransom note.

Yeah, or a 10-year-old's Word document. So the top bit in huge letters says, and it's underlined and in bold, just to really make it look like a title. Yeah. It says, epic poop story. And then in brackets, don't make his mistake. Well, now I want to know what this guy's mistake was. I'm going to get in here before you get too excited, Phil.

There's no epic poop story or person mentioned in the rest of the email. What? I know. Oh, my God. That is clickbait to the max. Yeah. That is pure clickbait. There's not even a story there.

You wouldn't see this on the BBC. You wouldn't see this on the BBC you wouldn't see this on the email either there's nothing there what epic poop story did this guy do by mistake so it continues is your lack of pooping making you feel sick dot dot dot bloated dot dot dot

and annoyed they're actually of pooping making you feel sick, dot, dot, dot, bloated, dot, dot, dot, and annoyed? They're actually saying pooping. Pooping. It's full of poop. Pooping. And there's a lot of misused epsilons coming up, so I'm going to say dot, dot, dot when they happen. Is your lack of pooping... Oh, they love it. A certain generation can't stop putting dot dot dot in things.

They live very suspenseful lives, Pierre. Baby boomers. Yeah, they're very enigmatic. Is your lack of pooping making you feel sick? Dot dot dot. Bloated? Dot dot dot. Ever wish you could just poop every single day dot dot dot? And only poop every single day non-stop.

I love the dot dot dot of it. Ever wish you could just poop every single day dot dot dot? Next line. Like clockwork dot dot dot. Next line. Like clockwork, dot, dot, dot. So wistful, like a mad scientist. Yeah, it's almost quite erotic.

Yeah. So, essentially, it's almost like our response to reading the sentence, ever wish you could just poop every single day, is to look up from our computer at the sky and say like clockwork epic poop story don't make his mistake don't make his mistake

yeah so ever wish you could just poop every single day dot dot dot like clockwork dot dot, dot, dot. Next line. Fully relieving your bowels instead of feeling like you never finished? Yeah. I think that's a symptom of hemorrhoids, isn't it? If you feel like you've never done chitting.

Like you've not finished. Like there's a bit left. Yeah. I've had a hemorrhoid. Incredibly. That someone whose body is as perfect as mine has had a hemorrhoid. I know. I was surprised too.

But yeah, it does feel a bit like that. So they say, If so, you'll be happy to know that scientists have discovered an unusual nutrient which acts like nature's Drano to dot dot dot. Yes. Nature's Drano. Scientists have discovered an unusual nutrient. Anyway, so it helps you to act like nature's Drano to dot dot dot. And the next three points are hyphenated. Point number one, help you poop up to 171% more than you do right now.

I mean, have they just discovered coffee? It's not all this is. This is just an ad for Lavazza. It's an advert for grain. This is just an ad for a general diet and a normal human diet and eating enough fibre. Sick of never shitting because you only drink sugar water like a bee?

Don't make his mistake. Don't make Bee-Man's mistake. Don't make my mistake. I thought if I ate sugar water And only sugar water I would poop honey And then I could eat my poop But instead I've just not pooped at all Don't make my mistake Instead my bum hole has sealed forever

And I have diabetes Don't make my mistake Don't make his mistake Don't make his mistake Like clockwork You could poop Just don't Dream of it So

So it says Help you poop up to 171% more That's very specific So not quite twice As much No To 171% more. That's very specific. So not quite twice as much. No. Okay.

I guess that's a reasonable amount more to poop. Eventually, something like this can be too effective and it can ruin your life. Yeah. Also, up to 171% has powerful broadband speed up to 50 megabytes energy. Because that technically means it could actually halve the amount you're pooing. If it's 50%, because that's up to 170. They also immediately undermine

the maths, and they then go on to say that's the difference between pooping about two times a week versus seven days a week. Yeah, it isn't. That would be a 350% boost. Yeah, it isn't. That would be a 350% boost. Yeah, it would.

Of course, it's a dot, dot, dot as well. So it kind of sounds like we're saying it. So it sounds like they're saying in bold, help you poop up to 171% more than you do right now. And then we're going, well, that's the difference between pooping about two times a week versus seven days a week

like clockwork like clockwork don't make his mistake yeah don't make his mistake point number two in bold quickly remove five to twenty pounds of backed up poop that's weighing you down

five to twenty pounds five pounds is five pounds is two kilos backed up poop that's weighing you down. Five to twenty pounds. Five pounds is... Five pounds is two kilograms. Five to twenty pounds of backed up shit. If you have twenty pounds of shit in you, you can't eat anymore because the shit's already up to your throat. There's like...

You can't even eat any Peak BioBoost because you're just full of shit. Your whole body's shit. Your blood's been replaced by shit at 20 pounds. 20 pounds? That's nine and a bit kilograms, I think. No, eight and a half kilos.

It's enough to, you know... You could get a good workout by doing bicep curls with that. It's like you've got three toddlers worth of shit in you. Two or three toddlers. If you have that much shit in you, you're in too much pain to concentrate on any epic poop story. Yeah, yeah. You're too far gone. You're not reading emails anymore.

So you feel lighter, more energetic And less bloated I mean you would If you had 20 pounds of shit in you and you got rid of it That's undeniable They're right about that They bang on Boost healthy gut bacteria by up to

Again 344% That feels like too much bacteria now. Yeah. Yeah, that does feel like too... Feels like a crowded apartment down there. Yeah, that feels very much like a too-many-cooks type of situation. That's so much bacteria that, like,

you could get a verbal warning about when a shit's coming. Like they could all speak at once, you know. It's coming! Like a very high crowd. Don't make his mistake! Don't make his mistake! And does this email continue? Yes.

God, they are long as well. That's the other thing. They're so long. Yeah. Establishing a quote. And they reiterate the same point about 16 times. Yeah, it's for people, I think, who forget things as they read them. Because they're so full of shit.

But they must work, though. Once or twice. They must work enough for it to be worth continuing sending these emails at. Well I think it's a kind of just curiosity. So it says establishing a bulletproof gut so you can stay regular, be less sensitive to foods, be less gassy, and

even enjoy a stronger immune system. Then there's a hyperlink eat this unusual nutrient for quote perfect poops daily. And then there's a photo fill. and it appears to be a cross section of a um a plantain or like a sort of breadfruit

well it could be worse for this email what the photo would have been of 20 pounds of poop yeah just I like I like how perfect poops is in quotes like you would that sounds like a fun nickname for someone perfect poops

well of course you and I before the pandemic Pierre we saw perfect poops live yeah live at the Brixton Academy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah playing don't make his mistake

and this photo maybe it's tapioca you know like the weird plant and it's all inside there is grains oh I know tapioca I know tapioca very well oh tapioca and me go way back I'm gonna send you this, and I want to know... It's interesting to me.

I'm going to send you this photo, and I want to know if you know what it is, because you're more experienced with the exotic... Ugh! Yeah. Oh, it looks horrible. It's a cross-section of what looks like a rotten boiled egg see I think it's like a plant like a plantain

or a semolina thing because it comes from almost like a wooden there seems to be a sort of avocado like shell on the ground but see out of curiosity I think people who haven't been taken in by the epic poop story will still click it. Just to see what the fuck that is.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There'll be some strange tropical fruit. There's not one I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of strange tropical fruits. Yeah, man. It's weird. Also, sometimes

you know, like, at the bottom of bad websites It'll be like British funeral planners need to know this now And all those kind of adverts Dude, that's at the bottom of like the independent website Oh, the independent Is a bin fire now And it's like what the fuck are you doing

Why has the independent got Ads saying People over 65 Are due a big payday this spring if they have a funeral. At the same time, they fill out their will. And for some reason, the person's holding a picture of their driver's license. It's like, what the fuck is this? This is the Independent.

This was in a newspaper. They're always incredibly pixelated and holding up their driver's license. Unbelievable, the websites you find those on. It's shocking. But sometimes you'll find one, and you'll scroll down, and it's someone deep-frying sliced-up plantain or banana in a metal cage thing in a deep fryer.

And the caption is, Eat this to shit better. Like, it's all about pooping. It's the same theme. Right. Hmm. Oh, no, that's it. But, I mean, this might be targeted at you, Pierre.

I think maybe this podcast has entered your algorithm. See, the trouble is I do keep Googling how to poop like clockwork. Yeah. Yeah. How to not make his mistake. I was just trying to buy tickets for Perfect Poops. I wasn't trying to...

No, that's what the caption is. It'll be like bananas being deep fried, or it's more likely plantain slices, because they're quite big, and they're being deep fried. But anyway, the caption will be like, this food will help you fully empty your bowels. And it's just like, who's walking around like clogs of shit?

Well, it must be a persistent problem. I don't know. Constipation must be a lot more widespread than we and the rest of our internet-obsessed culture, Pierre, are giving credit for. We've become so superficial that we've forgotten to look inwards, quite literally. Oh, God.

Just forgetting about poops. And what has Mungo... Because I think that looks like the end of the email. So Mungo's sign-off was just keep jacking it up to 171% more than you do right now. Oh, this wasn't Mungo, this was Will. Sorry jacking it up to 171% more than you do right now alright this wasn't Mungo this was Will

oh this is Will sorry sorry Will sorry Will oh Tom gets in touch Tom Tom's the bomb yeah he says dear pride and prejudice I like that

that's very good I really like that actually the most high class one we've got some respect at last which one's pride which one's prejudice I'll take prejudice Callous Wang is definitely prejudice

I'll take pride toxic pride um he says a relatively new listener here about to celebrate your 40th birthday as in the 40th episode it can't be can it well this must be that was back in a time where each yeah we were talking we spoke about the numbers in terms of age right maybe maybe he's only up to episode 40 well yeah that's what i mean yeah yeah yeah yeah that must be it so he says i cannot tell you how happy i am to have found bud pod for all my poopoo needs well if he if he has poopoo needs um we've got an email for him there's this new nutrient i wonder if he's heard about

email for him. There's this new nutrient I wonder if he's heard about. He says, I will be sad when I have to start waiting a week between these sweet, sweet episodes. Anyway, as a Pooh connoisseur, I feel I have a number of stories to tell, and I'd like to regale you with one now. Being at Universite, I'm exposed to a large number of invitations for

research studies. Ah, yes. For a bit of money. Yeah. One of which caught my eye around the topic of gut biota. Okay. How do you test gut biota without slicing up the participants, I hear you ask? Poo.

Of course. Of course. Like clockwork. Like clockwork. 300% more biota. I had never met the nice lady conducting the study, but had been informed she would need these samples. On our first meeting, I arrived with a fresh load gurgling above my precipice. Oof.

Horrible. Before even finishing our introductions, I asked her, How fresh do you need this sample? Because I'm about to paint the wall brown. Jeez, he said that. He claims to have said it. Gosh.

Bold. This guy does not need any strange new plantain. Mm-mm. This guy needs no nutrient at all. No. She handed me a sampling kit similar to what Phil must have used, the one with the nifty poo hammock. Yes, lovely stuff.

The story that started it all. Of course. Side story, me and the nice lady were laughing about the collection method and she told me of a fellow participant who didn't quite understand the instructions. Our sample tube had little built-in spade to collect a small amount of sample. That's right, it does. It's in the cap That you screw back in So Well this participant saw spade and thought

Dig! Oh no! And proceeded to very slowly Fill the entire tube to the rim With shit Dig! Oh, I see entire tube to the rim with shit. Dig. Oh, I see.

Like filling in a tube. Like fill all the way to the top. As opposed to like a lump, just filling it in like you're trying to cast a brick. God. Proceeded to very slowly fill the entire tube to the rim with shit before squidging the lid back on and lovingly returning the warm vial. A 20-pound vial.

Anyway, an idea came to me for the second study stage. Did you know that coffee, mashed potato, and sweet corn make a very convincing fake turd? Coffee, mashed potato and sweet corn. Yeah, that sounds about right. Considering this was not my first foray into poo sculpting, I decided in the second stage, blood samples, I would bring a container

with sculpted turds along to hand over as a faux romantic gesture. Wait, wait, I'm confused now. So Tom is going to bring fake poo to the research study? As a joke? Yeah. For this lady? Yeah.

Wow, okay. This is quite romantic, in a way. Yeah. What I hadn't accounted for was that this stage wasn't being performed alone. Right. There were two other women being blood tested, her supervisor and an additional researcher who was present. Okay. I should also probably point out the zip on my side bag was broken, giving me little respite from the poo view, so people could see the poo.

I spent the next three hours trying to carefully hide the container full of smeared shit from everyone in the room. I'm starting to be confused. So I think what he's saying is he got on... I think

he's ended up going out with or being friends with this person who told him about the digging of the poo tube. Yeah, okay. Because he says, me and the nice lady. And he says, an idea came to me for the second study to bring in a fake turd. I would bring a container with sculpted turds along to hand over as a faux romantic gesture. Okay, okay, okay. As a little joke, okay.

Yeah, so as a joke. And the study has two stages. So you give them some shit and then they take your blood so he's coming to the blood one now because it's a second chance to see the nice lady again ah but he's bringing some fake poos as a romantic joke at the second session yeah as a funny thing because they had a nice laugh about poop but there are two other people there now great great great yeah i, it must have gone very well the first time, because this is a... This is a high-risk joke.

It either went very well or this guy is nuts. Yeah. Okay, so now the fake poo is peeking out through his bag. Yeah, it's kind of there in his bag, this horrifying mashed bag of shit, and he's stood in a room with the girl who's the target of the fake poo. And two strangers, one of whom is her superior. Okay, okay, okay.

I'm up to speed. I'm up to speed. Great. Yeah. I don't think anyone noticed, but if they did, they were kind enough not to bring it up. I never got the courage to give it to her, although I later told her of my intention. And she thought it was a hilarious opportunity missed.

Well, that's nice. They're clearly still good friends. I think Tom's presuming a lot of knowledge on our part here. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of reading between the lines needed from us here.

Yeah. We have... Yeah, there's a lot of reading between the lines, but it's a funny idea slash an idea that will get you arrested. Yeah, probably not in a clinical context where people are actively asking others for

poo. I think you have a pretty good excuse in that case. Yeah. You have an explanation, at least, for your behavior. They literally asked me for it. It's on the sign, man. Don't make his mistake. Or like a really smug serial killer

just sat in the police interview room saying, I'm sorry, officer. Is it illegal not to understand instructions? You both know that you brought in the sack of horrible poo deliberately because you like that or whatever, but you're saying, is it my fault if I didn't quite grasp

the delivery method? Well, thank you Tom I'm glad Your little romance or friendship Seems to be working out I wonder what he did with those fake poos after Did he just sadly throw them in the bin? He just ate them for lunch

He signed off Dr. Poo And then said I'll explain this later Gosh, wow Tom likes to allude to things more than he does to tell people things outright He's a very enigmatic man Maybe he sent that email, he's Dr. Pooh

Don't make his mistake Ah, Dr. Pooh, it's an honour The Dr. Pooh? Dr. Pooh, it's an honour The Dr. Pooh? Dr. Pooh Dr. Pooh, I presume Of the Brighton Poohs? Well, that is the end of the first half

of this two-week correspondence, double-parter Yes Yes, we will continue in our world immediately Two-week correspondence. Double parter. Yes. Yes. We will continue in our world immediately, but in your world, listeners, a week's delay will occur. Isn't that fascinating?

This is like an interstellar something where time can be experienced differently for different people. Yeah, and we can pass messages back, like, don't make his mistake. Yeah. But in the toilet, instead of dust coming off a bookshelf, it's just like dirty toilet water being flicked out of the bowl onto the floor. Spattering on the wall and everyone ignores it because it's horrible. It's a message for my daughter!

Quick, eat these plantains! Alright, well, enjoy the second half next week, everybody. Bye!