BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 11 - Welsh Common Bit

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

LEGS ELEVEN! Pierre Novellie and Phil Wang return with Welsh rarebit, all farts sound like bread, the philosophy of toilet humour, ancient Mesopotamian Rodney Dangerfield, Phil as a child pharaoh, loads of GREAT emails (OKAY THANK YOU), Smell-O-Vision, Where’s Willy and Phil’s Bad Wank Story. Don't forget to rate us five stars on iTunes, subscribe, tell your friends and so on! Get in touch [e-mail] or @thebudpod on Twitter! Okay thank you! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Legs Eleven. Is that what they say? Legs Eleven. It was like bingo. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, welcome to Legs episode. It's all about legs. It's Leg Day. And what a pair of pins. What a pair of pins you have in your ears.

Yeah. Me, Phil Wang, and he, Pierre Novelli. Both of us. We're pretty meaty-legged boys. Novelli has a pair of legs in it, the two L's. And Philip, if you spell my particular Philip wrong. Yeah. And I thought, I was about to think that Novelleg. But there's no G in there.

You're so believable. For a second I thought I had a G in my own surname. I'm a very convincing man. Yeah. The glasses and the tone of voice. And in fact your shirt has buttons. A friend of mine recently said in front of another friend

oh Phil's not as smart as he sounds. Really? And it's the most vulnerable I've ever felt. Because I know she's exactly right. I'm really not as smart as I sound. Really? Or as smart as I look. Or as smart as I try and get across. People usually believe that I am smart but I'm not nearly as smart as I sound. Really? Or as smart as I look, or as smart as I try and get across. People usually believe that I am smart,

but I'm not nearly as smart as people think I am. Who was that? I'll bleep it. No, I'll tell you later. All right. That's very funny, though. Was that at Mac? No, it was in Australia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My producer, basically. Oh, right, right. He's not as smart as you. I was like, yep, true yep true yep she's produced me absolutely true you've produced me some humiliation um we've just uh come back from the macconflath comedy festival mac comedy fest yes me you and um our slow poo friend live together in um a cottage in in Wales listener if you remember

a couple of episodes back we accused one of our friends of pooing by erosion yeah and he doesn't use his sphincter he believes that the natural way to poo is like a glacier yep

to just literally sit and wait for in a way almost philosophically the poo to do him and we had to share a cottage in Wales with him this weekend yeah in a way, almost philosophically, the poo to do him. And we had to share a cottage in Wales with him this weekend. Yeah. But it wasn't too bad, actually.

It was fine. The only bit that was weird was when, and I mean, we should have assumed this, because it's the logical extension of his philosophy, he also doesn't understand or believe that there is a way to pee faster. Whereas if you tense your lower abdomen, it applies pressure to your bladder and you pee moderately faster then you would not be i mean you'll save seconds on the dollar

as a yeah yeah but he doesn't believe that that's a thing and even if it was a thing he believes it's like so detrimental to your health it's very odd that he's so obsessed with like the idea of using your muscles being bad for you that's that's a very that's like donald trump who doesn't do exercise because he believes you this is true from his quotes he believes you've got a set amount of energy in your life oh yeah which is which is genuinely like a 12th century medical belief like humorsours. Like he believes he has a tank of humours that he will spend. Or like your heart only has this many beats. And so as long as you live slowly enough,

you'll live to be like 300 years old. Like a slow lizard man. Never moving. But now we are back in England. Back in black. Back from Mac. No more rabbit and lamb for us. Back to coal and grass. No more rabbit and lamb for us. Back to coal and grass.

No more leeks. No more leeks. Yeah, that's the other Welsh thing, isn't it? Leeks. Yeah. Leeks, lamb, and cheese on toast. Dude, when I first moved to England, I went for lunch with my family in a cafe in Bath, and one of the things on the

menu was Welsh rabbit, which I thought was a fun Welsh spelling of rabbit. I thought that. Yeah, so I was like, ooh, yum, rabbit. What an exotic life I'm about to start here in the United Kingdom. And very ye old England. Yeah, I thought this is so authentic. And the waiter came and gave me cheese on toast. And I said, there is surely a mistake here.

He said, nope, that's Welsh rarebit. I thought, this country is a country of lies. Cheesy, cheesy lies. I thought Welsh rarebit for ages was exactly yeah some kind of weird like oh right because it's Wales and they can only eat rabbit or like rare bit

like rare like rare meat like yeah I mean rare is the most misleading part of that because there's nothing rare about cheese or bread in the United Kingdom there's nothing rare about that bit at all. It should be called Common Bit.

Welsh Common Bit. Welsh Common Bit. I thought it was one of those things where it was like, oh, the poor man's steak, right? Like, oh. I thought like, oh, Wales historically has always been portrayed to me as unbelievably poor. Maybe it's like it was so poor that at a point it was like,

almost like a mocking thing, like when people say like, people say an Irish goodbye. They're like, oh, would you like a Welsh juicy red meat steak? And it's like, ha, it's cheese on toast, because they're so poor historically that that's precious to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they need cheese on toast that much, because we don't let them have anything except shovels to dig coal with.

Or a Dutch oven. How do you think that was the first English person to have sex with a Dutch person? The next morning we're like, what the hell are you doing? Do you know a Dutch oven is... I think the guy was just like, this is a Dutch thing. It's just normal for everyone.

It's how we bake bread. What? No wonder all your bread tastes like farts. There's a real type of oven called the Dutch oven. What's funny about that is that I presume Dutch for bread is like brood? Brood, yeah. Which sounds like a fart.

Brood. That's why it's called brood. Brood. Because it's full of farts. Whereas, I guess it sounds like a different... Bread. That sounds like an accidental one. Bread.

Bread. That's true. Actually, all farts sound a bit like bread. Depending on the language. In Chinese, bread is... So, I've had farts like that. I've had farts like... depending on the language in Chinese bread is mian bao so I've had parts like that I've had parts like mian

mian bao in Malay it's roti it is another language roti I don't know the T would be a difficult sound to fart T I guess I love when you try and hold it in

but it'll get roti that's you catching the fart You're bubbling That's a very relaxed fart That's a hangover That's a hangover This is that's a hangover that's a hangover this is this is the new version of numbers as weapons

I've had a couple of pitter pitter pitters I can't pa pa in French pa oh yeah pa pa what I can't... Pa. Pa. In French, pa. Oh, pa. Oh, yeah, it is pa.

Pa. What a fascinating phenomenon we've discovered. All bread sounds like a fart. Yeah, and that's... I mean, sourdough doesn't. But the... That would be a hell of a fart. Sourdough. What would that be?

Yeah. No, then the other fart sound would be like when you use a knife to cut sourdough horrible raspy we're back on the farts oh man how long has that taken now

this time to get on the farts six minutes that's a god damn they're funny how funny I've told you my theory about why poos and wees are funny

I think they're funny because it's the only time that things can come out of you and you're not dying bleeding's not very funny though but you could be dying

you're not supposed to bleed oh okay as it were whereas like poos and wheeze are the one thing that everyone has which like fly out

of you in quite a dramatic way to the point where you have to go to a different room and sit down to have it happen to you I guess we're lucky

enough that and we're not dying so it's almost like you're laughing as a relief like oh my god what the fuck is happening but diarrhea kills so

many people in the third world. But that's like that Chappelle thing, right? Where it's only funny now. Yeah, because he used to kill you. It's extremely serious. It's so funny. I have diarrhea. It's extremely serious. Yeah.

It's so funny. Yeah, but that's funny now. Yeah funny now yeah yeah yeah maybe if we could bleed heavily without ever dying we would be like squirting each other with artery bursts like like just shooting blood in each other's face like ah I got you maybe that would be it

and also it's like it brings everyone down anything that humiliates everyone is funny exactly it brings us all to the same level. Yeah. The emperor's got no clothes. Yeah. And it's like this thing has come out of you.

And even though it's yours, it's like repulsive. It's repulsive. You want to get rid of it. We want to get rid of it. There's a hypocrisy to it. You made this. And now you just want to get rid of it. I guess it's like being naked.

Being naked is funny because all the pretenses of civilization have gone out the window for a second. Yes. And we're confronted with animalism. Okay, is it anything animalistic and not threatening? So nothing to do with death. Vulnerable. Animalistic vulnerability is funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Orgasm faces. Yeah. Funny. Yeah. Crying. Vnerability. Animalistic vulnerability is funny. Yeah. Orgasm faces. Yeah. Funny. Yeah. Crying. Vomiting. Yeah. I find crying very funny.

Crying is often very funny. Depends why it's happening. But if it's happening for a not threatening reason. So animalistic vulnerability, that is nothing to do with death. Sure. Like I find it very funny seeing pictures of people genuinely weeping because a football team has lost a game. And often

it's not even a very important game. That's very funny to me. Because it couldn't be more removed from having consequences. It's like crying because you've imagined a gnome dying. Yeah. It's so odd. What's funny is you're confronted with how silly we are. So when someone is naked like, how silly it is

that we wear clothes. Yeah. Or when we poo. How silly it is that we pretend we don't poo. I guess that would be it. Yeah.

It's good philosophy. Philosophy of humour. Of bum bum humour. Enjoy bum bum humour but don't live a bum bum life. There must be a PhD on this somewhere.

Well, we can. We co-author it. Yeah, we could do. What are you a doctor in? What's your PhD in? Have you ever noticed that bread sounds like a fart? What? Never mind.

Never mind. I shouldn't have mentioned my PhD. This is a dinner party. What's one of those phenomenons, the bread sounding like farts? Like, you know, how in pretty much every language ma is mother dinner party. What's one of those phenomenons, the bread, sun, and my farts? Like, you know, how in pretty much every language, ma is mother. Yeah. There's that kind of common root theory for all languages. Or at least for Indo-European languages.

Like, even in ancient Sanskrit, like, brother is like bratar. Oh, really? So it's like brother, brooder, broder. And then brot. Bratar. And farts. So I think the family unit and fart bread evolved at the same time. My brother farted on the bread.

And the brother brought in the bread. The oldest writing they found in Mesopotamia. The first ever statement written down. My brother farted the bread. There is a really old joke. Yeah, like the oldest joke about... It's like Asrian or something. It's a cuneiform script.

It's a guy about his goat. There's one which is... It doesn't make any sense. There's one which is talking about... It's like a funny phrase. It's almost like the old ball and chain. And it's something about... No time has ever passed

before a woman has farted in her husband's lap and it's and it's like the the you can tell that the point of the joke is how always likely it is that your wife's gonna fart in your lap right yeah and you go i guess i get and like the only way that makes sense in my head is that they're always on your lap when you're all sat around a table drinking old grain beer, you know, like Mesopotamian ancient beer. I don't think they just live on your lap in those days.

I think they're all sat around a table and they're all drinking and laughing. Yeah, there must have been loads of chairs because there's hardly any people. I guess. There must have been all these chairs. There are so many chairs and yet you fart in my lap.

That was like, that was like, that guy was his era's Rodney Dangerfield. Oh, I tell you. Oh, it's rough. Oh, I get no respect here in the

Astrian, the Astrian kingdom. How about that new agriculture? I would love agriculture I would love I would love dawn of agriculture Rodney Deja feel I told my wife I wanted us to I told my girlfriend I wanted us to settle down

so she invented agriculture I tell you I don't get no respect. It's rough, this irrigation. Game of thrones, game of bones, game of phones. Game of loans, game of scones, game of moans. Game of cones, game of tones, game of zones. Game of groans, game of stones. Game of clones, game of knowns, game of crones.

That's all of them. Did you ever have to make a chadoof? You what? Yeah. A chadoof. A chadouf? A chadouf. At primary school... Is that Trump or Brandt?

Chadouf. Chadouf. At primary school on the Isle of Man, every year, seemingly, like, every, like, year three, would go through this ritual of learning about ancient Egypt. And I'm not sure why British children

all learn about ancient Egypt. It's quite a Victorian interest. Perhaps you will go and raid a tomb there. To prepare you for your grand tour. Yeah, exactly. To Cairo. And we learned about their irrigation techniques and how they, like, oh,

much was made. Much was made, Philip, about the ancient Egyptians' ability to make the Nile, to use the Nile to make the surrounding bits of desert not shit and grow things. Use the flooding of the Nile. Yeah, and irrigation. And a shadoof was like this...

It was like a dippy thing. Like you would dip the water... It was like a scooper. And it would hinge down into the water and you'd lift it up and turn it around and pour the water out and people would shadoof that shit all day and as part of this project we'd have to make a shadoof out of dowling rod and glue guns

that's the most fascinating thing about early education is the amount of effort that goes into the most detailed exercise about the smallest aspect of one of your subjects you know it's like this this this year we're learning about the entire ancient world so you will literally actually mummify a cat we'll spend nine months perfectly mummifying a cat

and then we'll rush through Greece and Rome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or we're going to teach you the actual nine different ways to very elaborately fold, and it's very difficult to do properly, a toga. Yeah. Will this be on the test? What test?

Yeah, there are no tests. This has no consequences. You will just... We're giving you something baffling to remember for decades. You will become Athena. You will literally become a god. We're all working hard together, so you'll become the Athenian god of wisdom.

We will train an owl to be your avatar. And you will rule over modern Greece. And then we'll do World War modern Greece and then we'll do World War I and then we'll do SATS which you should pass given that you are Athena yeah primary school learning

is a baffling series of a lot of it just doesn't make sense until you factor in the idea of the teacher just trying to fill the fucking oh yeah when you finish school you look back and, they were just blagging it the whole time. They were just vamping. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the idea, though, that, like, a lot of my primary school seems to have been chosen by, like,

the curriculum seems to always have been chosen by, like, an eccentric aristocrat. It was, like, Greece and Rome and Egypt. And then of course on the Isle of Man lots of Vikings and Celts too. There was one thing where we all just had to like we tried to like gel our hair like Celts did. What? Because they would make their hair

all spiky with lime. Really? Yeah. Doesn't lime burn you? Well like it was like lime like powder like stone like not the actual lime it was like lime powder, like stone. Not the actual lime you use to get rid of a body. Oh, right, right, right. In a Coen Brothers film. But we all had this clumpy white hair,

or maybe we made fake lime or something. And you had to get written permission to dress as a mad Celt. That was pretty cool. That was pretty cool. Just spiky hair and shadoofs. Shadoof. Yeah, I played... I was obsessed with the game Pharaoh 3.

Oh. On computer when I was a kid. Do you ever have that game? I know. What is this? You just had to build ancient Egyptian towns. Right. It was brilliant fun.

And so I was very invested with the flooding of the Nile. That better seasonally flood. Because you have to prepare all the farmers and get them along the banks of the Nile. That better season they flood. Because you have to prepare all the farmers and get them along the banks of the Nile and then once a year it would flood and you have to make all your you have to grow all your crops. So yeah the flooding of the Nile was

more significant for me than it should be for any 10 year old. No 10 year old should have to worry about the flooding of the Nile. Like not even Tutankhamun as a 10 year old no 10 year old will have to worry about the flag like not even tutankhamun as a 10 year old pharaoh was that aware of how important he was playing a computer game about growing up in malaysia yeah and and and uh he was playing a computer game about a stand-up comedian i was an age of Empires kid. I loved Age of Empires.

I can still do some of the noises. Like when a villager is created, it goes... Yeah. Can you do one of the building noises? Oh God, what was the house? It was like... Yeah, that's right. Oh, the barracks was a...

In Age of Empires 2, it would just be like a sort of military drum going. The stable was just a horrible horse whinny. So every time we clicked it, we got like... It was horrible. And some of the... I would often play as the Bretons. And they almost sounded like words that we would know I know that when you told them to go on the little farm they go

and when they chop wood they go chop and if you played as the Norse like the Vikings they would go they sounded almost offensively Scandinavian yeah I was like the peons in Warcraft.

Yeah. Yes, my lad. Obviously made by game designers who really hated poor people. Really contemptuous of agriculture. Yes, my lad. I'm just a little peon. Or they could be like,

work, work, work, or something like that where we're sort of begrudging yeah did you play Stronghold no uh Stronghold was like

you were like a medieval lord and you start with just like a keep um just like a sort of central castle let me just make sure we're still recording there

um you start with like a keep like a sort of central castle and you just have to build from nothing you just have a load of like scrubby peasants and in rags you have to build stuff and chop stuff down and and um you have this advisor and he's like a really gross simpering the people are starving me lord like whenever you start losing the game yeah and like whenever you click a peasant you can't tell them to do

anything particularly they all just do it automatically yeah but then you click them they say things yeah so they say things like could you do a few more rations my love they're like really like simpering like horrible patronizing and they all have like west country accents

it's very classist. But then I guess it's a medieval game. But also this sort of benign technocracy where the lowest peasant can speak openly to the king about their problems. Yeah, they can go, they go, It's awful cold here. Yeah, yeah.

The most frustrating thing when you're a kid is when you the game won't do what you want it to and in Stronghold every time you try and build something

and you didn't have the resources this annoying voice you go my wood is needed you go god damn it it gets so angry

I used to just put in cheat codes man I used to you were a cheat code boy until until I was like 10, I just put in cheats

and just absolutely dominated. I played a Delta Force game, a shooting game, where you could just turn invisible. And so I just turned invisible and just run into the enemy camp and just kill them. They're just standing there.

And I killed them all. And I think one day my dad saw me doing this and I said, I'll put in this sheet where I'm invincible. And he just said, well, then what's the point of playing the game? Yeah. And my whole world just crumbled. Your mind collapsed.

And, yeah, that completely changed how I look at video games, the very idea of being challenged, the very idea of being challenged the very idea of accomplishment because up till then you were like a mad emperor oh yeah

and you were just like you were the kind of you know what that's fascinating because people always say about like you know Kim Jong-un or whatever I was Kim Jong-un

you were Kim Jong-un well like Vladimir Putin doing like judo and you go well no one's going to beat him at judo are they he's Vladimir Putin he's 71 and he's winning judo contests that proves that

some people like don't care you know like if your dad had never said that to you yeah and no one's ever said that to Kim Jong Un yeah and so people are always like well he can't enjoy his invincible basketball experience. They go well yeah he can

because he's mad. Like no one's ever told him like well why are you doing that? What's the fucking point? He's just there like yeah! Exactly. You can't win

because I'm going to kill you! Like he's just there really enjoying that part of it. Really loving it. Ladies and gentlemen the winner after a knockout blow in the 94th round

of our old lady pensioner death match is Betty are you not entertained are you Are you not entertained? Are you? We got some correspondence from quite a lot of you, actually. Thank you very much for that. I'm going to try and get through it.

Amy got in touch to passionately praise my hair pollen song oh yeah I really enjoyed the pollen song she said it was a real earworm of a song she says the way you say nostrils just triggers something in me which is a fun thing I don't remember how I said it nostrils something like that it was a weird

it was a very oddly sung song thank you for bringing such sadness and joy into my life with your beautiful poetry I received the gift of hay fever this year after 24 years of living

oh no yeah people get it when they're like older now I swear I started getting it last year I think not my flatmate

doesn't have hay fever but he's like there's been times in his life where he's had so much pollen just in his face that he has got it. It's just like a higher threshold. I see, I see, I see. And I think pollution has a role to play in there as well.

Sounds like a thing that we should have evolved out by now. No, I think we never had it, and we're reacting to the fact that the air is full of bum-bum dirt. Pollen? But it's not like living in particularly pollenous times. No, and pollution as well. Oh. It's like all, it's all in one, buddy boy. Okay.

Because like, if you breathe in enough pollution it makes your body like inflamed maybe and your body's just inflating. Oh God, BS got me.

And you hate flowers. But like, your body's like very sick, you know? Or like, your body's like, we're always being attacked by pollution

and then some pollen comes in and it goes probably this as well maybe that could be it I'm a doctor thank you very much Amy Darsh gets in touch good old Darsh

hey Darsh Darsh as we all know is the biggest fan of comedy yeah watches a lot I would say in general like across the world

and as he he kindly often comes to you on my shows, I'm a fan of the best comedy. Quite. Yeah. Right. Absolutely correct. Hey P-Buds, he says.

As usual, my musings are a little offbeat, but almost certainly not in a fun way. That's a good warning. Coolest uncool. So the coolest thing that is still uncool post seasonal discount goodies post seasonal so like January sales e.g. Easter eggs after Easter

oh I see and they're like a quarter of the price oh man I'm so Asian so that's coolest uncool so it's uncool because you're late but it's cool because you're getting a great deal. Yeah, and also it's like it's uncool as well because it's not Easter anymore and you're sat there with your little

egg with a duck's face painted on it or whatever the hell. Like a little baby. Yeah, there's something very depressing about eating treats out of season. Christmas pudding on the 1st of January. I think you're still just within... Because you're still off work

Christmas pudding at the end of January Christmas pudding on Valentine's Day that is that is

like the name of that is the name of a song by an emo band that none of us remember

it's a good Charlotte song Christmas pudding very British for an American band Christmas pudding band that none of us remember. It's a Good Charlotte song. Christmas Pudding. Very British for an American band. Christmas Pudding and Valentine's Day. Yeah, I remember. And then Good Charlotte did it originally. And then My Chemical Romance

covered it. Or maybe it was Death Cab for Cutie. It's that kind of band. And from time to time in a Starbucks you'll hear an unofficial acoustic version. Christmas Pudding and Valentine's Day. And you and you're like hey this kind of works slow down oh yeah it's in a minor key you know yeah yeah uh he says i'm so asian is that an asian thing phil getting a good deal is very asian yeah not caring about the propriety of the product yeah um and just getting a good deal I'd say that's Asian Darsh we agree you're officially extremely Asian Uncoolest cool

So that's the coolest thing that's still The least cool thing that is still cool Dating app profiles where all of the Images are group pictures to make them look like a Fun person but you can't tell which one of the profiles Is for Yeah it's cool because you obviously got a lot of friends And you go skiing But uncool because you obviously got a lot of friends yeah and you go skiing

but uncool because you've turned dating into where's Wally yeah yeah yeah where's Wally where at the end once you find Wally

you fuck him where's Willy where's Willy there's a real so right you've just reminded me of something when my gran

was starting to like lose her eyesight to this oh great where's this going she found a Willy in the bushes. She found a willy in an enormous ancient Egyptian crowd.

It had red and white stripes on it. Incredible she could tell considering she was blind. And glasses, ironically. So she got my cousin Mike who at that time lives in South Africa still, a Where's Wally book. And he was like seven or eight.

And she got it, you know, like when your relatives visit and they bring you like airport gifts. Like a little book or a... It's a jar of jelly babies from abroad. So you treat it with reverence. And he would look... He was always trying to find it with reverence. And he would look, he was always trying to find where's Wally and he couldn't do it. And he's quite like a methodical,

like he's an engineer now, Mike. So he literally divided up each page into like squares to try and fucking find Wally. No Wally. Did it with every single page. No Wally. Tried it five times. Nothing.

And he just, he went, this is bullshit. put it on a shelf forgot about it and then like years later when he was in it like an actual teenager like 14 or 15 so like seven years later

he was like oh yeah and he saw it on his shelf and he took it out and it was Where's Willie and it was like a sexy Where's WALL-E book and

in each crowd was like a cartoon dick. So what's he going through? They're like, why does this dick keep appearing? Literally, he remembers thinking there's that fleshy thing again. So there was like a six foot penis in each crowd.

Was this an accident? Yeah, well, my gran had just... My gran was just like, yeah, that's the same. I just hadn't read it. Yeah, well, my gran. My gran was just like, yeah, that's the same. Just like hadn't read it. She's got a grandson, a book of Where's Willie and some lingerie.

Like a fun costume. Here's a scarf. Here's a scarf and here's a book about crotchless pants. Also, I remember once my mum bought a t-shirt for me from the internet for some reason i have no idea why and it was a surfer a fun surfer cartoon like like you know in the cartoon is just like a darker line outline against a lighter version of the same color so it's like it's not a colored in cartoon it's like an's not a coloured-in cartoon. It's like an outline-only cartoon. Yeah.

It was like a dark brown cartoon of a surfer. Just the outlines. On a light brown t-shirt. That's it. And underneath, in dark brown, like same colour as the lines of the cartoon, it said, Surf's up!

Mm-hmm. But my mum didn't zoom in on the cartoon, and so when it arrived it was a man surfing and fucking a woman on the board he was like carrying her fucking her so like her legs were like

her legs were like wrapped around him and her arms were around his neck and he was just fucking her standing up on a surfboard where it surfs up underneath and i was like i was like 14 and she to her credit she didn't try and give it to me she just she came into my room and was like do you know what i've done do you know what i've accidentally tried to buy you as a t-shirt for you to wear it's like

and uh all credit to her very funny well she's very open about it i think my mother would have been so straight on just buried in the garden straight on the fire csi cover-up um i think that's true because yeah it's cool because you're popular but it's uncool because you're fucking with the whole point of being on the app yeah yeah yeah although maybe maybe if you really want a partner who's good at cross referencing is the ideal

test yes if you make sure that it's possible to discern you through photos by cross examination yeah you only want to fuck people who are really good at to discern you through photos by cross-examination. Yeah.

If you only want to fuck people who are really good at spot the difference. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then fair enough. Thank you, Darsh. He then sent a follow-up email because he doubted that one of his choices was good. But it was good. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Henry. Henry? Henry good. Yeah. Henry. Henry? Henry gets in touch. Goodness. So finally a touch of class to this fucking podcast. Hey, P-Dog and P-Diddy. Which is which? Well, indeed. First, I wanted to say thanks for the pod.

I love it. Great. Okay, thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. I already loved Philly Philly Wang Wang, but have now been introduced to Pierre

and love him too great yes what a threesome we make it's about time the two Ps and Henry did you see that funny tweet someone sent

about like how they love Bud Pod because Phil's great and then that was the end of the tweet no and I was like I still retweeted it

but I retweeted it like trying to neg me. As soon as I heard your most uncool, cool thing, coolest, uncool thing segment, I thought it might be funny to have a weirdest normal thing, normalist weird thing segment. Hey, that's a good idea. It's a good idea, Henry. You're already pulling your weight around here.

Yeah. For example. You're already putting the most effort into this threesome. There's always one. Yeah. For example, weirdest normal thing, turning down the radio

when you're looking for your destination. I turn it right off if I'm nearing, if I'm getting there. Why should the radio being on affect your vision? But it does, right? Yeah, I will crash the car into the building

I want to go into if the radio's still on. Yes. I often find it quite funny where sometimes people try and, and I do it as well, you try and listen harder. Yeah. It's almost like you're trying to squint your ears. Yeah. I'm listening so hard.

Like a dog. Your ears aren't changing. I wish we could close our ears. That would would be great why can't we close our ears i can move my ears i can wiggle them yeah me me too we're both ear wigglers but why don't we have a flap that just comes down because you can close our eyes so we can go to fucking sleep but it's not like we can sleep in noise can we yeah we should be able to to do a full security lockdown on your entire head. Yeah. Nostrils mouth.

Laser beams. Just a red alarm light goes off on your forehead. And no one can wake you. You just become man in the iron mask for eight hours. Just like a mannequin. And then you come out feeling really rested. So that's his weirdest normal thing. That's a good thing, yeah.

He says, everyone does it. No one would say you're weird for doing it, but it is inherently weird. And that's true. So his normalest weird thing. So it's a weird thing, but it's the most normal weird thing. He says, masturbating. Yeah.

If you openly talk about wanking slash flicking the bean, you get weird looks, and it's all very no-no, which is a very fun tone of phrase. I quite like that, Henry. It's all very no-no. Oh, no, no. Well, this is all very no-no. So I was wanking the other day.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That would be a funny way to react to that. I like the phrase, this is all very no-no. So I was wanking the other day. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That would be a funny way to react to that. I like the phrase, this is all very no-no. This is all very no-no. Like a judge. Yeah, waggling his finger. And a murderer. This.

That was very no-no. That was very no-no. It's definitely considered weird if you say you've just had a wank. But everyone does it. It's one of the most normal things in the world! Exclamation mark. All the best, Henry. Dude, I have to tell you my worst wanking story.

It's not that bad. I mean, absolutely. This is the worst wanking story I'm willing to tell on the podcast. It was at an Edinburgh Fringe, and I was staying in a flat with Ivor Graham, the comedian, and Finn was staying in a flat with Ivor Graham the comedian

and Finn Taylor the also comedian shout out to Ivor Graham and Finn Taylor shout out to Den Boat no sorry don't mind

that and Ivor was telling us for like a week oh a friend's gonna come and stay in the flat for a couple of nights if that's all right.

And we're like, yeah, whatever, fine. And then one morning I wake up, and I just needed a wank. Sure. Yeah, sometimes you wake up and you need a dang wank. You were full of demons. Full of swimming demon tadpoles. And so I got the little fella out, made him into a bigger fella.

You inspired him. And I just got it everywhere. I got it all over. I just got it all over my hand. Just like... It was like I just performed surgery on a ghost. And you'd lost him. I'd lost him, yeah.

And I banged on his chest. No, come on! Time of second death. God damn you! And yeah, so I was covered in ectoplasm. Yeah. My hands. And so I got the door open with that bit between

your thumb and your index finger that somehow always stays just a bit dry. Yeah, yeah. Your snuff sniffer. So you open the door like a lobster. Or a Lego man. And I walk out into the, because the toilets

are just in the hallway, so I walk out into the hallway with these hands and there's a stranger I the toilets are just in the hallway. So I walk out into the hallway. Yeah. With these hands. And there's a stranger I've never met standing in the hallway. Yeah. With bags. And he turns around. And he says,

Oh, hi Phil, I'm James, Ivo's friend. And he sticks out his hand. No! And it's covered in jizz too. He sticks out a very, very clean hand to shake mine. And I'm just staring at his hand for too long. And I catch him staring at me,

staring at his hand. And his face turns from one of politeness to just fear like there's no social tension like sticking your hand out and not having it reciprocated yes and so all these things are going through his mind like why isn't he shaking his my hand yeah and i just see this terror descend on his face and he um he then um, he then retract his hand. Yeah. And I just say, yeah, nice to meet you,

James. So I'm just going into the, uh, the bathroom. He's like, yeah, okay, okay,

sure. And I go in and I'll wash my hands. And, um, I come out of the bathroom and he's, he's gone. Uh, and later on I tell Ivo about this,

like, yeah, I think I might have been a bit weird with your friend and he said yeah he told me that he said I tried to shake Phil's hand but I don't know I guess he must have had a wank or something

because he wouldn't shake my hand so he just immediately he knew I mean I still did the right thing I guess he wouldn't shake my hand So he just immediately He knew I mean I still did the right thing Oh you behaved correctly We both behaved correctly That's the thing

It wasn't an ideal situation But I could have made it a lot worse It might have been like hey good meet ya buddy And then really shaking it Patted him on the back patted his cheek oh it's nice to have you here I grab his cheeks

like I'm an Italian uncle look at you you've grown patting him on with the other hand on the cheek oh man and also

but but but on the plus side on the plus side if it's one of Ivo's friends, then that's a boarding school guy. Maybe. I'm not also quite sure. Maybe not.

Ivo has a... But there's a high chance. Sure. There's a high chance. Oh, so you're saying he's probably absolutely right. Yeah, totally. He was like, oh, no, you've got wank hands. Yes, I understand.

I was at boarding school, you know. He's completely plugged into that. Maybe that's how his instincts were bang on yeah well he knew straight away what was going on it's like someone

who was in NAMM he's like right yeah yeah yeah I can still see the look on his face when he realised I wasn't going to shake his hand

but was now hang on while you were staring at his hand presumably you didn't just have your jizz claw just out

did you put it behind you like you were Prince Charles I had it just in front of my had my hands just in front of my chest like I just killed someone for the first time just like trembling because you've got to keep it away from everything

yes yeah I would agree with that all a lot of us Yes. Yeah, I would agree with that. All a lot of us want is a stable future for not just ourselves and not just our family, but a stable future for the large pack of feral rats that live in the enormous hat we insist on wearing at all times. Because we've trained those rats, we've trained them over many years to stay in the hat, especially during family gatherings or christenings. And we've trained them to run all over our body at night in a massage-style pattern when we're lying face down, or if it's our birthday, face up. And the fact of the matter is that a stable world which involves everyone except

those rats that you've spent all those years training and, let's face it, feeding the best food you can buy, well that's not a world any of us want to live in. And that's why I think you should sell your house and give me all the money so I can spend it on breeding an even better race of rats that will be entirely hat-based. Yeah, that's a very good most normal weird thing. No, weirdest normal thing. Yeah, that's the weirdest normal thing. Yes, yes, because everyone treats it super weirdly, but it's very normal. And healthy.

And good luck, Henry. Yeah. With all of your wanks. Keep on jacking, Everyone. Keep on jacking everyone. Yet another motto. What do you think of the messages of your podcast? Keep on jacking. Keep on.

Just keep on jacking. Keep on jacking. Okay, thank you. That's a good way to finish a wank as well. Yeah, yeah. Or scream I'm a pilot. I'm a pilot! How am I supposed to wank as well. Yeah, yeah. Or scream, I'm a pilot. I'm a pilot! How am I supposed to wank now? I'm a pilot! How am I supposed

to shake people's hands now? That's me at the end of the wanking. Ah! We've been sent an email with a subject line, travelstory... not poo.

Oh, well. We'll still read it. From Kristen. Hello, Kristen! Which is a very American name. And I think she is American. Wow. Butt pee. Butt pee. P-dubs. Double P's. A.K.A. Pierre and Phil. Phil and Pierre.

Peep and poop. Which is nice. Peep and poop. Two peeps and a poop. Two poops and a peep. One afternoon, I was happily boarding a plane from Chicago, Illinois, heading to visit my family back home in Los Angeles. That's also in America. Yeah. And what a reversal of the usual story of people moving from the Midwest to LA.

Yeah, so her parents are trying to make it as Hollywood stars. Her parents are busy making it as Hollywood stars And she's like Mom dad I want to move To the midwest To Chicago And just make it As a Regional supervisor Of an accountancy firm

And they're like Well I don't know about that They're like It'll probably happen They don't have any Movie stars out there What are you gonna What kind of I don't even know movie stars out there? What are you going to... What kind of...

I don't even know if they know if they have a walk of fame. Yeah, really angry about it. Just like... They're not going to eat a streetwise LA girl like you alive out there. They're going to be baffled by your street smarts. Look how unworried you've made your father. They're going to be baffled by your street smarts. Look how unworried you've made your father.

So, back home in Los Angeles. So she's going to LA to visit her family. Her movie star family. It had been several months since I had seen my family. And maybe more important to your off-menu friends. Oh. So that's a shout out to Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Which has ended its first season because they are lazy.

We will never end. And it had been several months since I had the pleasure of eating my very favourite foods from my very favourite restaurants. This flight normally takes about four hours on the largest domestically bound airplanes in America. As full planes travel daily to and from these large cities. I had timed my flight to land in my foodie sweet spot. Right at the restaurant. Right into the restaurant. When one of my favorite restaurants would welcome us with open arms.

If you haven't guessed by now, this won't end well. About an hour and a half into the flight over Texas somewhere, the pilot informs us that there was nothing wrong with the plane, but we had to be real... That's never a good start. Ladies and gentlemen, now, let me just start by saying there's nothing wrong with the plane. But we had to be... That's never a good start. Ladies and gentlemen, now, let me just start by saying there's nothing wrong with the plane, per se. Or there's no good place to put emphasis there.

There's nothing wrong with the plane. There's nothing wrong with the plane. I am bleeding to death, however. But we had to be rerouted to make an emergency landing. Another hour and a half later, we were informed that we should stay in our seats, having just landed back in Chicago. We all abided as a seemingly drunk man was escorted off the plane, followed by what can only be described as yellow-brown air. Wow.

Twas not good. Twas foul, she says. Two minutes later, a flight attendant with gloves and a seat cushion follow, with a similar... A seat cushion? Yeah, with a similar stench wafting behind. No! Apparently the man had peed so much in his seat, so much had he peed, Philip,

that he had soaked through the cushion and made it impossible for us to carry on to Los Angeles for another two and a half hours. I still have no idea why we didn't land somewhere on the way instead of turning back, but my four hour flight turned into a seven hour flight and I was forced to eat

gross aeroplane food because of pee. Hashtag poop emoji. Well, we just had the story that we were talking about last week About the British flight that was turned around for the poo Yeah I think that's what inspired her to remember this Poo plane, now pee plane Pee plane, even a pee will do it

Yeah, well enough As she says, had peed so much That's more than one pee Right He sat there doing three or four pee pees in a row I'm always amazed that someone like that Is able to get through security Not like he wasn't spotted But just that he had the wherewithal

Because it's not A simple process You have to have your wits about you Do you think that he'd done that thing Where he had like five pints In the terminal after he got through And it only hit him on the flight Where he was

This man is drinking in the terminal after he got through yeah yeah yeah and it only hit him on the flight where he was and this man is drinking in the plane definitely right yeah yeah and it's America and it's customer service so they can never say no to you seemingly

he's like yeah can I get nine whiskeys they're like of course sir please don't fire me you know so they've just given him that

and he's just gone ah and all the five pints have been in a sequence of wee wees after him. But she's saying it smells really bad. Yeah. Now, you have five pints.

Your first pee is as clear as a mountain stream. Right. The stuff that makes your pee yellow is the smelliness. So, like, it would still smell, but the level of smell she's describing this man is also ill I don't know yeah maybe he's just been holding it in he's just an alcoholic

a terrible boozer although pee doesn't smell straight away does it it's only it's when it gets stale that it's really horrible like sweat

like it's piss stained that it's really horrible but the fresh piss doesn't stink really it must have been because it was a couple of hours into the flight then and it started to

yeah concentrate there's nothing wrong with the plane. It's just been soaked in piss by this maverick. Yeah, also you're like in an encapsulated space. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Thanks for that story, Kristen. I hope you eventually got to some

restaurant in Los Angeles. Yeah, I hope you eventually got a higher quality burrito than one would normally find. Mark. Well, Mark? Mark gets in touch. Okay. A thing that is the least cool cool thing. That thing a drummer does where he spins the drumstick

around with one hand in between hitting the drums. Yeah. Cheers, poo buds. That's very lame, but quite cool. That's pretty good. Very... Gravity there from Mark. Our friend, our slow poo friend. Yes. That's pretty good. Very... Bravity there from Mark. Our friend, our slow poo friend. Yes. He's very good at swinging toy swords around like they would

like Aragorn would. Yeah, he can spin at things with his hands. Which is the... Hmm. The most uncool thing. Yeah, being able to spin a sword around. Yeah, yeah, because it's like you've practiced that, and also you're not a paladin.

Yes, yeah, exactly. So I know you've practiced doing that with sticks. Yes, and... When you should have been practicing pulling faster. Yes, you should have been practicing having anus muscles. You should have been doing pelvic floor exercises. Yeah, bare minimum. Bare minimum.

Yeah, exactly, because we don't use swords daily. You had to engineer the chance to practice this. Yeah. Whereas if you use swords daily, you'd be like, hey, cool. Leanne gets in touch. Hey, Pierre and Phil. Just thought I'd share that I was listening to Bud Pod episode 9, Bud Poo, whilst driving home from work. Great.

As I drove by some farm fields, there was a waft of freshly spread manure. It gave a strangely realistic edge to Phil's description of his shoveling debacle. Anyway, that's all. I thought it was funny, so I wanted to share. Love your work. Cheers, Leanne. Thank you, Leanne. Very impressive. At first, what would that be?

A 2D experience? Sound and smell? Yeah, but no visuals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, haunting. Yeah, yeah. You can't see, but you can hear farting and smelling.

There aren't enough theme parks that have a 2D sound and smell experience. It's completely still chairs. No spraying water or anything water anything they just blind you they put a mask on you and then just just noises i guess that's kind of like those fancy restaurants where it's all dark yeah but you've done that with farting that'd be a great that'd be a great like installation where we play uh podcasts in the dark with accompanying smells yes yes and when we talk about

you know Asian food you know we waft that in yeah you can't have any but the thing is

we've talked about bums and poos and wees so much we just essentially what we we could do that what do cum covered hands smell like

and the smell of an Edinburgh flat yeah actually they might be covered by the smell of an Edinburgh flat. Yeah, actually, they might be covered by the smell of the flat. It's dusty. Yeah. And, yeah, I mean, essentially,

just listen to this podcast near a public toilet. Yeah, that is the olfactory equivalent of this podcast. Yeah. Public toilet. Yeah. That hasn't been cleaned in a couple of days.

And Jocelyn and Zizzy, we will get to your correspondence in the next one. Because you've both sent in some absolutely meaty slices of correspondence. Yeah, we'll get on to those next time. Thanks for getting in touch, everybody. Yeah, thank you for getting in touch. Okay, thank you. And keep jacking it. Keep jacking it Keep jacking it That was Legs 11

Legs Leg Day That was Leg Day Thank you for listening to episode 11 of Bud Pod We're still counting them We're still counting them We'll get to the point where we give up, but it'll be later than you think.

Oh yeah. Oh boy. It'll be later than you think. Oh yes. And thank you for downloading. And if you do enjoy it, tell your friends. If you count yourself among the Bud Pod's elite Bud Squad, if you are in Bud Squad,

and I'm nabbing from the old Adam and Joe show, they had Black Squadron. But that was for people who listened live instead of the podcast. Whereas if you're a real fan of Bud Pod, you're in the Bud Squad. The Bud Squad. And if you're in the Bud Squad,

we need you to spread the word about Bud Pod. And get us more Pod Buds. Yeah. We're like a toilet humor-based cult. Bray Pierre and I want to be doing a live podcast at the O2 Arena next year, I think that's right. Yeah. We've booked it in.

We have booked it. We need at least 20,000 pod buds. Pod buds. Pod buds. And the toilets will be signed Budpoo. Yes. It'll be lots of themed stuff. Yeah.

There'll be a model plane you can climb in and someone will fill it with farts. Yeah, while you shout, I'm a pilot. Yeah, that was in the story. I'm a pilot! How am I supposed to fly home in a seat covered in piss? Well, we'll talk to you next time. Have a wonderful week.

Have a wonderful week and keep jacking it. Get in touch. TheBudPod at gmail.com or at TheBudPod on Twitter. Thank you. Bye. Bye.