BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 110 - Bleep Bloop Episode

Episode Date: April 14, 2021

It's 110! The boys discuss Phil's breakdown, anime romances, Klumps vs Big Mamas, Big Phil The Mountain Spirit of Vanuatu, steamy pussies, Indiana Jones and the Jade Egg, pints and haircuts returning and "drug" stores. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Attention listeners, because of brain farts and the two weeks we've had off, we refer to this episode as 110, when of course, according to the listings, it was 109, because it was 108A and 108B. However, henceforth, 109 will be known as the last Budpod episode, and if you can't remember when something is, or we can't remember where something is, we'll probably just say that it's in episode 109, just to annoy people. Okay, thank you it's bud pod 110 110 is that is that something 110 um it's a binary episode yes bleep um bleep bloop welcome to episode bleep bloop everyone it's bloop. Welcome to episode Bleep Bloop, everyone. It's our first binary episode since episode 101. Fuck, I've forgotten my binary now. 1, 1, 0 would be... 0 is...

Oh, for God's sake. I love the idea of you saying, I've forgotten my binary, the way people talk about GCSE French. I've completely forgotten it. I used to have such good binary at school when did you learn binary i really when i learned binary at uni doing engineering for like computing and yeah yeah definitely because you like you learn we had like a microprocessor courses and um and all this sort of thing I think we actually had binary yeah algebra and binary algebra and stuff and you have to learn how to add binary

and yeah robots have a microprocessor course before their main course yum yum this is going to annoy me now I'm going to have a look because it's basically the numbers are to do with the powers of two but I can't remember if the two is the power

or the fucking one is the power well you have to look it up or it's going to torture you it really is I feel so stupid now I'm going to start referring to this sort of thing as Wangian regret. And eventually, we should popularize that, Pudbods. I want you to start using that to describe your... Right, okay, okay.

Now I remember. So the east position along the binary corresponds to a power of 2. So the first number of 1, 1, 0, which would be the 0, is 2 to the power of 0, which is 1. So 1 times 0 is 0. So you remember that number? And the next number along the binary is 1. That corresponds to 2 to the power of 1, which is 2.

So that's 2. So 0 plus 2, we're at 2. binary is one that corresponds to two to the power of one which is two so that's two so zero plus two we're at two and then the third one is uh two to the power of two which is four so one times four is four plus the two is six so the binary one one zero equals six yeah i'd really you lost me i was okay till about halfway through that generously Yeah, I'd really, you lost me. I was okay until about halfway through that. Generously. Yeah, it's simple once you're in there.

I mean, it's just a very clever way of assembling, finding a system of assembling any number you want with representations of just on and off, i.e. one and zero but I mean learning engineering at university was it was an existential crisis because I realised how stupid I am like when

like when you, when I, learning about some of the things people have invented and discovered and developed I'm like, I'm like I'm like a blade of grass my intelligence in comparison to these people well i mean like ink like i can't even learn like i'm i'm having trouble learning what they discovered and they started from nothing i'm being given all the information and i still i can't do it yeah i've i'm i'm being shown how they eventually did this after years of trying and i don't know what the solution is yeah it's like it's like not only am i too stupid to do two plus two

i don't know i can't visually recognize the number four you're showing me a four and i'm going but i i had i had the art student equivalent or maybe well yeah for my weird ass degree which is just people who could people who already knew four languages and then learned another two for fun that they never used or people who are just like excited to learn 13th century Estonian grammar. Yeah, but thank God for those people.

Without those people, we'd all be worms eating mud. We wouldn't know anything. We'd just be grubbing around. But I think that's why some people at university have a kind of breakdown especially if they're from a small

pond and they're a big fish suddenly they're just mid-stream at best and their mind just snaps I mean I've been to school in Malaysia, Brunei, then uk and i was always like you know i just crushed it i was always at the top like my i did so well at physics at a level that my my teacher let me take off a double to to catch up with my music he's like yeah you got

this oh wow like yeah like near the exam i didn't he was like, you don't need to come today. He'd ask you to do some lessons here and there. Yeah, can you cover for me actually this Wednesday? But yeah, I got like the physics prize at my school. And then I got to engineering at university and I was just like I felt yeah it was

really existential I had a breakdown I had an emotional breakdown at the end of first term oh did you? because you were the year above me so I didn't know you in your first year I met you post breakdown yeah yeah yeah I had a full on breakdown Oh, did you? Because you were the year above me, so I didn't know you in your first year. I met you post-breakdown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a full-on breakdown. Really? It was like my whole sense of self had to reset, really, after the first term of Cambridge. You were one of those guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a nearly quit. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Yeah. I was a near first-termer. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Yeah. See, I was a near first-termer. Oh, boy. I didn't know that.

See, the Wang I met had already had that steel in his eyes. Yeah, but that's after I'd reshaped my whole identity. And that's after comedy had really taken hold. And that had become my my predominant value system yes yes yes was was how well i did comedy um you yeah so i was very fortunate in that sense but like the first term of uni i i was so desperate to do everything i felt i was supposed to i i was i was doing comedy i doing engineering, which is one of the most arduous courses there. Yes.

I was singing with the King's College Beer Choir at Evensong, which is like twice a week, and then plus rehearsals and practice. I was rowing. Oh, my God. I forgot you did rowing. I rowed,

and I was doing college football. I was doing college football while trying to go to the gym plus trying to keep my trumpet going oh um practice trumpet and i was like this is what you're supposed to do because all these all these like various threads that you that i pulled along with me throughout my adolescence and And you can do them in high school because they give you time. That's right. But I'd assume they would all come up building up to this point where they would all

at once be brilliant. Mature. This is where they would all come to fruition. They'd carry over and they'd all be university level. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

And I couldn't... And it was... It was mad. I was like... I had a complete emotional breakdown. I didn't know what... I couldn't figure out what was going wrong. I couldn't figure out why I had no time and why I... Why I felt useless.

And you were good at maths as well. You sat there with a 24- clock going but how and i remember i spoke one to one to one of the other engineers at kings and he was just and he was just from very different mindset to me he was just like you you enjoy what you can do and um you you leave what you can't and you leave what you can't. And I said, I just hate rowing. I don't know what to do. I can't. And he's like, well, quit then if you don't like it.

And honestly, I had to sit there in silence for about two minutes to try and compute what he'd said. And then the second time I came back and I quit like 80% of the things I was doing and I basically just did engineering and comedy. yeah and that's why you saw you yeah that's why when you met me at the beginning of my second year i was like buddha yeah when i when i shook your hand it was soft as silk and you glided in without even and you spoke to me without looking at me. You just looked at the sky. Yeah, I covered my one rowing scar like Napoleon,

just slipping my hand into my jacket. Oh, my God. I can't believe it. I missed out on meeting the Phil Wang who was his own tiger mother. That's exactly what it was. You were just being your own overbearing parent, like a stereotypical Asian parent where it's like sports, instruments, science, singing.

Not a single thing to do with the humanities as well, classic yeah I remember I went to a voluntary lecture on Southeast Asian development

I think, or politics or something it wasn't even my course and I yeah, I was development i think or like politics right like it wasn't even my course and i i it was yeah i was i was crazy i was nuts i was just like a kid in a candy store but where all the candy hurt you it is it is you do get a kind of weird brain fire though yeah yeah your brain gets all hot yeah that's true i was very fortunate phil and i and my dad told me this at the time I was fortunate to in my year at school

there were two or three people who would intermittently slash regularly beat me like physically well yes earlier on but no I mean in terms of marks and sick for not the same people

hitting me that would be a very odd transformation right yeah anyway um yes and so i was used to the notion you know it didn't it didn't snap my mind in the same way that it could have i'd yeah i i know those people you're talking about. The one kid in school who can compete with you academically and sometimes beats you. And for me, it was always a Chinese girl. My life was always like, fucking Chinese girls, man. They won't go away.

They won't leave the top spot at school for you. Did she have a huge, like, she'd used so many highlighters, she was on the blue one. Yeah. When you finally see someone with a blue highlighter, you just think, game over, man. You'd lean over at a highlighter and go, is that Mauve? Has she got onto Mauve?

I can't believe you're doing taupe highlighting and then they turn to you and they say yeah I had it custom made but it was always a progression of different Chinese girls even like in Malaysia it was like there was a quiet Chinese girl who just smashed the exams and at university

I think in our year the top grade was a Chinese girl yeah they're just unbeatable you know that sounds like the plot to like an anime like you know those high school romance animes

oh yeah yeah yeah you and the Chinese girl are like fighting it out and you end up it's like a love-hate thing. And there's a rift between you that is quite... It's sort of unexplained, really. Like, is it... I guess they're sort of a different class?

It's really subtle, like, why they can't get together. I find those animes are always like that. I don't understand what the problem is. You seem roughly on the same wavelength here. Yeah, it's always something sort of impenetrably Japanese that they can't quite translate. I think because in Japan, the baseline level of discipline is already so high.

To Western eyes, the rebellious guy and the studious girl are about the same. Yeah, the rebellious guy sometimes needs an extra day to do his homework to a high standard and that's why they can never be together that's why he has a leather jacket oh man well you know what phil how does it feel to be one step closer to being the top phil You know what, Phil? How does it feel to be one step closer to being the top Phil?

Oh, Prince Philip! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am the prince now. I say. Like in Captain Phillips. He's saying uncomfortable things to the angels now.

Who are you all wearing? You're bathrobes, aren't you? I didn't know they let you lot up here. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the royals just love being in the news right now. I just have no feeling anyway. The royals just love being in the news right now. How have you...

I just have no feeling anyway. Were you among the many people frustrated by all television and radio suddenly just being an obituary fest for two solid days? Oh, dude. I was opening the BBC News app and assuming I'd lost internet connection because it just wouldn't change.

I was switching between radio stations like in a zombie movie where they keep switching between radio stations and it's the same government broadcast. And it's just like stay indoors. The plague of the... will be decided by the...

So stay indoors. Stay indoors. Just that. Except it was various people with very high soft, posh voices saying, really wonderful. Really wonderful. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. He was really brilliant.

He was a brilliant man. Endless. I mean, but can you imagine what's going to happen when the big one goes? When the big mama? When big mama goes. When big mama's house goes. Big mama's house 2 goes.

Big mama's house of Windsor. Eddie Murphy plays a sort of fat-suited queen. Eddie Murphy plays a sort of fat-suited queen. I would watch Big Mama's House of Windsor where Eddie Murphy in a fat suit plays all the royals. Yeah, that would be great. I would fucking love that. I think that would mark a renaissance for both Eddie Murphy and the royal family.

And the fat suit. And the fat suit. And the fat suit. I missed the fat. What happened to the fat suit, Pierre? Used to be every other movie centered around someone in a fat suit. Well, you know, it was controversial because people would say, well, why don't you just cast a really

fat person? Yeah. Stop engaging in fat face. Stop buying your clothes For fat face You are taking Work from Incredibly fat actors

Who are just as capable of Doing high voices and fart jokes as Eddie Murphy You've only given the fart jokes as Eddie Murphy. You've only given the chance. Wait, Eddie Murphy wasn't Big Mama's House. He was the Clumps, wasn't he? Oh, was Big Mama's House Martin Lawrence? Oh, God, I can't believe I'm googling Big Mama's House.

It's Martin Lawrence, yeah, yeah. I'm getting confused between my mamas and my clumps. He doesn't know his mamas from his clumps, that guy. We saw the mamas and the clumps at the Camden Roundhouse, didn't we? Yeah, lovely folk collective. They started out as a mamas and the papas cover band. Yeah. And the joke was that they played in fat suits,

but then they started doing their own really soulful stuff, actually. And they changed to the Mums and the Clums. Yeah, what is that? Yeah, there was a real fat suit golden age. Yeah, there was. There was. I think it was at a time where Hollywood only permitted

access to thin people thin actors but then found itself painted into a corner on the odd occasion it wanted a fat character, or like, someone fat to joke about. No one in Hollywood knew anyone

fat except John Goodman. It was like back in the early days of Shakespeare, where there were female characters but no female actors, so the guys just had to dress up as women. Yeah. It was the same thing. No, yeah, they just got off the phone, like women. It was the same thing. No, yeah. They just got off the phone, like Eddie Murphy and all the producers going,

well, John Goodman said no. So, I mean, we'll have to build some sort of suit, I suppose. Do you think that's like, something like Big Mama's House is in some ways, or maybe The Clumps is in some ways the dream because they go, we don't have to cast anyone fat or any other

black actors. That's like the racist ableist white Hollywood producer's dream where it's like no one fat got any jobs out of this and only Eddie Murphy got to do any acting.

And he's the talent talent so that's great do you remember Shallow Hell? oh I do remember Shallow Hell what an odd odd film in which what's her freaking face Gloop Gal puts stones up your vagina

yeah steam your pussy old steamy pussy It's old Mildred's High quality pussy steamer She sells that What's her name Gregarion What the fuck's her name

She does goop Goop Gooply Goop. Gooply Smith? Oh God, I just saw on the Goop website and the top thing is, it's Mother's Day and we're gushing. Oh no! Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwyneth Paltrow. Don't say that about your mother. It's Mother's Day and we're gushing. Awful. Must be American Mother's Day. We're gushing awful must be american mother's day we're gushing um it's just everything about it is ridiculous yeah it is nonsense it wasn't her idea you know some other lunatic um conglomerate or group of um venture capitalists came up with, like, maybe we can make women grill their vaginas for no reason. And they just looked for

the best, loopiest actress they could to front it, and they found old Gwyn Gwyn. Are you telling me that Gloop is a sort of sinister Globo-tech? Yeah, it's like the Umbrella Corporation. Excuse me?

It's behind everything. Big Goop is behind everything. She's in the pussy of Big Goop. She's in the pussy of Big Steam But in Shallow Hell She wears a fat suit When she is quote unquote Ugly version When Jack Black doesn't want to bone her Even someone as schlubby and fat

As Jack Black finds it too repulsive But looking back now, it's just like, can you imagine even trying to get that made today? You'd be shot out of a cannon. Yeah, you'd just say, hey, the goop lady is going to put on a fat suit so we all know she's ugly, so Jack Black doesn't want to fuck her.

But then a magic spell teaches him a lesson. doesn't want to fuck her, but then a magic spell teaches him a lesson. They'd ask you where you were getting your cocaine. Sweet movie, though. Just the most impressive thing about Shallow Hell is when you, if you watch any of the behind-the-scenes commentary, how she managed to steam

her pussy in that fat suit. Yeah, well, I mean, the lucky thing was it gave her plenty of space. There's actually no padding in there. It's all just vagina-steaming equipment. And jade eggs. Yeah. A jade? Yeah, it's like a space suit in there.

It's just a system of tubes and compressors and steamers. It's a contained environment. She's like a Warhammer figurine. Explain that. Like a space marine, all just pipes and life support. Yeah. Kind of futuristic robot. Cybernetic technology.

A jade egg doesn't sound like something you put in your fanny it sounds like something Indiana Jones wants why can't they be both that's true Indiana Jones and the steamy pussy yeah at this point it can't be any worse than Crystal Skull

it would be better than Crystal Skull I would like it would be better than Crystal Skull. Yeah, yeah. I would like to see the... You know the bit where Indiana Jones is, like, weighing up that bag of sand so he can replace it with the Golden Idol? Well, this will make you angry.

Crystal Skull is the only Indiana Jones movie I've ever seen. Oh, my God. So you don't know that famous scene where there's the Golden Idol on the altar and he's got a bag of sand? Yeah, at this point, I know the scenes. I know the various scenes. But I've never seen the movies. But you know what he's up to there.

Yeah. Because it's trapped by weight. So as long as he can switch the weight quickly enough. But then it doesn't work and the boulder chases him. Yeah. I'd like to see him doing that. That weighing up and that tension. Just in front of Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina

And then he goes for the jade egg And it's Because it's still hot from being steamed It gets steamed, yeah A jet of steam shoots out Do you think there should be Goop is actually selling security systems.

Yes, Goop security. Shoot a jade egg out of your fanny at a burglar. Yeah, man, that would take him out. I'd leave. Yeah, if I weren't knocked out, I'd be like, nope, too rich for my blood. Do you think there should be some sort of anti-feminism award

for women who scam other women with this stuff? Interesting. Because it seems to me to be the opposite of solidarity, isn't it? Just to be like... Yeah, but the beneficiary is still a woman, so I think it cancels itself out. Do you think? There's got to be a ratio at work here, though.

There's got to be how many women you fuck over. There's got to be a point where the fact that the beneficiary remains only one woman, the number's not high enough for the equation. But what about the... the much harder-to- to measure quality of inspiration that that one woman imparts to countless women with her success. But isn't it inspiration to scam other women?

Yeah, but they're scamming the same women. So that pool of women is not really expanding, whereas the number of women who are benefiting from the scams are increasing but are you sure it's not expanding have you never seen someone go from being relatively normal to converted to like lighting a candle in their butthole no no i to be honest i haven't i feel like the the kind of people who are um vulnerable to those kinds of things have always been. Or start pretty young. You think the customers of Chung Fu's Crystal Warehouse are born not made?

I was thinking specifically about Chung Fu. Yeah, I do. I really do. I don't think you come to it unless you're recovering from some great trauma or addiction. But those are the most vulnerable people. Yeah, I know what you mean. Ultimately, I think it's just anything that unscientific. Well, essentially, it's Changfu's crystal warehouse.

It's annoying. It's an annoying... I'm annoyed that they get to make money out of that. Yeah, yeah. But there are many scams in this world, I guess. Chong Fu's Crystal Warehouse. I wonder if that survived COVID.

But yeah, did any of the commemorations irritate you at all? Or Prince Philip? Yeah, what did I see yesterday? Well, I think the kind of the strange thing is trying to trying to suggest

some great shared interpretation of of Prince Philip with a man who had all these well-known characteristics and achievements, despite the fact that no one is really, you know... He's a pretty neutral figure. I think, aside from the occasional gaffe

that people would sort of have a guilty chuckle over, no one really knew all that much about him. I think the older generation did, but I mean, like, obviously, you know, his World War II service and, you know, being a,

having such an insane childhood. It's all very impressive. But the thing that annoyed me was that they were trying to give him loads of credit for meeting astronauts and stuff. Right. Because it was in The Crown, him being really interested in the moon landings. Okay, I see. Yeah, I think I'm one of the few people who's never seen The Crown and never will. I've just...

They mentioned it on the radio in the context of really trying to big up his interest in science. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what annoyed me about that is that he was so interested in the moon landings and stuff, and I was like, you don't get credit for being really into the moon landings. That was everyone. Yeah. And there's always met astronauts and whatever and it's like, well he's a prince.

Yeah. Over the course of the Duke of Edinburgh's life, he'd have to try pretty hard not to meet a fucking astronaut. Yeah, it's the astronauts who've done well to meet him. Yeah, he's rarer than an astronaut. Yeah. I think it just annoys me when people give any of the royals credit

for doing something that the royals are set up to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, wow, they have all these rubies. And it's like, yeah, we gave them the rubies. That's their job, is to be the ruby owners. Or going on about years and years of service. I guess it's service, but it's mainly meeting astronauts and saying, how are you? It's service in as much as it's a surrender of any sort of normal life Yeah you've

Either signed up slash been trapped From birth into a kind of endless Pierre Cycle Yeah It's almost Pierre like Well stay with me here It's like

Being in the royal family someone like being trapped in a cage Okay like hang on A cage is like one of those things In like an old zoo, right? That's right, like an old zoo Or something you might put a bird in If you had a pet bird But

That cage Was nicer than most cages, in fact it's made of gold Wait a minute, hang on Because Here's the rub, it being gold does not change its function as a cage okay so hang on let me just get this straight because i was gonna say when you said that they were like in a cage i was gonna say but phil being in a cage is you know it's like low quality it's bad you know dirty ah and then you said gold And I thought, hang on a minute Like a

Some sort of fancy trap I guess you could put it that way Yes, a fancy trap is a nice way of looking at it Yes Imagine They have little freedom But it's high quality Little freedom, if you can high-quality little freedom,

if you can imagine such a thing. Right. So it was what? Sorry, it was a silver cage? No, again, it was gold, which is more valuable than silver. Right. God, no, no, that is better. God, wow.

Phew. I mean, what a crazy... Yeah, I wonder if anyone... I wonder if they know. About the gold cage analogy. Oh, just that I wonder if they know they're in a big gold cage. Well, I don't think I, for their sakes, I hope they don't find out. Because, you know, it might depress them.

It might depress. Yeah, it might upset them to find out. They've probably never looked at it that way. And I don't want to shatter the illusion for them that they're actually living a very good life. They're in a gold outside, as it were. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in a big world of gold.

Yeah, I mean, yeah. A lifetime of service. I guess he kind of volunteered for it in the sense that he married the Queen but I mean yeah yeah especially in those days I mean like in the 50s you could just do whatever you wanted I mean it's much more of a horrible thing to try and sign up for

now well I I watched a bit of Nicola Sturgeon's tribute to him. Was it begrudging? Oh, of course. It was so begrudging. And she spoke about how he sort of played second fiddle to a powerful woman, played second fiddle to a powerful woman.

Which is something men in the 20th century were suddenly finding themselves having to get used to. And like, we've had queens before, Nicola. Yeah. Have you heard of the Victorians?

Yeah, or the Elizabethans. Yeah, I thought that was a bit wacky well it's because everyone's using it as a chance to just talk about themselves yeah exactly talk about their shit and try to refer back to herself a powerful woman

yeah okay okay I thought you were going to say that she said I remember when I met Prince Philip oh no wait it was a week before that oh no hang on it was the month before that very good old forgetful Nicola

yeah I mean that whole salmon thing has come to nothing I knew it would it seems to I knew it would come to nothing it all seems to have melted away it's all very something weird is going on in Holyrood. I let myself get excited. I was like, here it is, Phil.

The end of Scottish separationism. But, of course, nothing gets better. Well, Prince Philip is... Separationism? Separatism? Is that a word? Separatism. Well, Prince Philip has strategically

died very close to the May elections. Yeah. Maybe the outpouring of affection for the old royals will... Interesting. Interesting. Yes, we've given our cousins up north a taste of

what it is to lose an element of the British family. We'll see how it sits. And we'll keep killing royals until you learn. We will kill a royal on the hour, every hour until our demands are met.

I was thinking, Phil, that I've come to understand first of all, the only people whose opinion on Prince Philip I care about at all are the Vanuatu islanders who see him as a god. Ah, yes, yes. I'm only interested in them.

So it's the people of an island where? Vanuatu. Where's that? It's somewhere in the Pacific, I think. Oh, the Pacific, okay. I think Vanuatu is the smallest nation

or is it Micronesia? It's up there. And they worship... It's South Pacific. They don't overall. It's one particular island. Or like two villages. Why?

It was a one visit. So when they became aware of him they had some sort of story about... So they believe that it's not actually... The Western press doesn't seem to have grasped it properly. It's not Prince Philip they worship. They think Prince Philip is a spirit of a mountain. Right, right.

So they're worshipping their own mountain god who they think inhabited Prince Philip's body. Yes, so they had a story about some sort of mountain spirit who, in the whole point of the story was that he left Vanuatu to look for a powerful wife. To look for a powerful wife? Yes, in the story. A powerful wife.

Wife. But both is good, you know. And so the idea is that when they discovered that there was this glorious man who was all powerful and whatever but had there were lots of quotes saying like oh yes and we could tell because he was walking behind

the queen even though he was the man and so that's like some relationship in the story so the queen was the powerful wife the mountain god found. Yeah, so he zipped into Prince Philip's body and married the powerful wife. Ah. Because they're in the Commonwealth. So he wasn't born...

Was he born as Prince Philip or did he enter Prince Philip? Well, that's the bit of the theology that I'm interested in. I don't... I can't... Basically, the two places that believe this are like remote villages that like someone had to like hike for two days just to tell them he died kind of thing these guys are not easy to reach

but because of that loads of people like I saw an article saying like oh maybe they'll start worshipping Charles now and it's like right your insane western animist tradition doesn't match up to their there's a really well it's not that's not the that's not the animist tradition that's the um uh no i mean hereditary no no i know i'm making like an equivalency like like it was a funny to me it was a funny example of someone saying our normal way of traditional society

will be followed by these people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you see what I mean? The idea of that is just as insane as the mountain spirit. Yeah, to them, the idea of power merely being inherited by the sun is as ridiculous to them as it is a mountain spirit is to us yeah basically well or it's just that it's all the same it's all the same flavor we're all just talking about tofu here it's the same thing whereas like they're like if you were to say to them like right

now the mountain spirit is inside his son they'd be like why what why would the mountain spirit fly into his son what when he died no yeah i wonder where they think the mountain spirit is now does it come back to them they've got to have a big commemoration and a conference and the conference is closed to outsiders and who knows is that true yeah yeah it's happening now so so they're having like what's it called when the popes get together to pick a new pope yeah um a oh god the college of cardinals conference college a papal conclave conclave that's it and they'll well someone will have to watch for smoke and see what color of smoke comes up yeah well i mean this it's really interesting if you read up on this. It's essentially the idea that they reckon that Prince Philip would come back. And in the story, the mountain spirit goes away and finds a powerful wife.

And then they all come back to Vanuatu and bring lots of riches. So they were waiting for Prince Philip to return. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they met him and asked him. They said, when are you coming back? Wow, wow, wow. In the 70s. And apparently he gave them a very cryptic answer.

Oh, that's funny. Apparently he said, I will send you a message when it gets warm. When it gets warm? Mmm. Wow. God, I'm starting to believe this mountain thing. I'm more into it

than Prince Charles. That's pretty good. wow god i'm starting to believe this mountain thing i'm i'm more into it than prince charles that's pretty good i liked it as well also that's quite a cool thing for prince philip to have said because you can really chew that over can't you yeah yeah i mean you're such a troll and towards the end he looked like a troll yeah i mean he started saying like weird shit to people Just because he got bored He just got bored saying hi to people He started telling weird jokes and saying weird shit

I was saying to A friend of the podcast An excellent stand up Alex Keeley I was saying All of Prince Philip's really off colour remarks Like people would be defending him to the hilt if he was a 1990s American standup.

Right. That's true. Off color humor. They'd be like, yeah, but he was a rebel. You know, he spoke the truth.

I mean, Prince Philip is basically Bill Hicks and I'm, I'm willing to, I'm willing to die on that hill. He is both Bill Hicks and a Vanuatu mountain spirit. What a man. We haven't even mentioned Pierre that

today, well yesterday marked the first step towards freedom. That's right. For people in England, UK. Pubs, gyms, haircuts. Yes, man. Have you done any? My gym subscription has restarted.

Who knows when I'll actually go back, but the subscription's restarted. Spring is here. I've been asking to, but it's restarted. Yeah. No, I've not been out yet. I know, I find myself weirdly apathetic about it.

Oh, yesterday I got my haircut, I went to the gym. The only thing I missed out on was a fresh foaming pint. Nice. How was the gym? It wasn't busy. Oh, really?

Well, I mean, I went in the middle of the day, and even though people are working from home, I suppose they're still working, aren't they? That's true, that's true, that's true. Yeah. Well, that's good. And the haircut, did you have to book, like, months in advance? No, sir.

It's a barber's, baby. Walk in, take your ticket, take your chance. Wow. Wow, old school jack jack knife barbers near high rennesington station i walked in phil i walked in and i got my hair cut by the same stoic afghan man that i did before the pandemic pandemic yeah i mean i i saw i saw a picture of your new haircut on on uh instagram there and it doesn't look like you're serving in afghanistan yeah yeah he went a little aggressive he went a little high and tight he went a little high and tight but that's okay it i i was more i was more interested in like re-experiencing having short hair again,

having had a mop on my fucking head for months and months and months. Yeah, you got the full hurt locker. Yes, I went jarhead. Yeah. It looks good, though. Nice one. Well done. Especially now that the weather's getting hotter, it just felt like a matter of grooming like you would for a dog. Especially now that the weather's getting hotter.

It just felt like a matter of grooming like you would for a dog. And at this point of the seasons, Pierre must shed his winter coat. As winter turns to spring, the Pierre must shed his warm outer layer to keep cool in the April sunshine. Like, uh... An explosion of activity from the British drinker.

All the people coming back to the pubs like turtles going to the sea. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, one topples over and can't get up Yeah like Pathé in Israel Careful there

It's a brilliant British summer As people return to pubs and have a foaming pint What I don't get are the people who queued up For hours to get into Primark What is that about? Primark Just frothing that about? Primark? Just frothing at the mouth. Just clothes shopping.

Sorry? Frothing at the mouth for Primark. Yeah. Could not wait. They're just like, I can taste those delicious slave clothes now. I want to buy a pair of pumps that will fall apart in two days.

That's why we're all here, because all the stuff we bought before the last lockdown has fallen apart already. Maybe that's it. That's why all the queues were just in rags. Yeah, it's just all people with returns. Oh, man. Actually, the t-shirts last okay,

but I did buy a pair of shoes from Primark once, and they did fall apart astonishingly quickly. did buy a pair of shoes from Primark once, and they did fall apart astonishingly quickly. I bought a pair of shoes from Primark, and I looked at the sole, and I could see the glue. Like, I don't think you're supposed to see the glue sort of... No. ...poking out between the sole and the bottom of the shoe and shit. Yeah, you shouldn't...

The bottom of your shoe shouldn't look like a kid in art class in a rush. Yeah. Just glue gunned it on its way out of a conveyor belt. Yeah. I mean, the thing is it was made by a kid in a rush. And he did use a glue gun.

He did. Yeah. God queuing up and who misses like, that's the thing. I'm not a shopper. I'm not a natural shopper. Who misses shopping that much? Or all the queues of frightening-looking teens

for Topshop in Oxford Circus. Yeah. Did you see that in the news footage? It's like this swarm of kids with like masks on on their hoods up. So they look like they're in a fucking terrifying music video. No. All swarming into Topshop. Yeah.

And I just thought, gosh, really? I mean, it's been a long old lockdown, but I don't think even that my most... I mean, I lived my teenage years in a self-imposed lockdown anyway. I mean, I lived my teenage years in a self-imposed lockdown anyway. But I think, you know, let's forget teens. You know, before you were allowed to drink alcohol, finding a reason to go out to socialize, finding a place to do it in was pretty tough.

Yeah, that's true. Top Shop is about as good a spot as any, really. There's a purpose there. You're looking for clothes, but it's also a place to talk and catch up. They don't have a pub. That's true. Yeah, this is the thing. And I've always thought of this.

Even when I was a teenager, like, we needed the equivalent of a pub because we're going to cafes and drinking coffee at, like, 15. Just drinking coffee after... Like, why does a 15-year-old... A 15-year-old doesn't need that much coffee but there's nothing else we could do so we just had to go to fucking Costa yeah it was weird I guess you need to go to like

a diner and have a malt with your best gal that's it but the UK's never had that we don't have a drugstore where you can get a milkshake well the UK's always just been like what youth centres and in the 1950s dance halls right yeah that's it really and church before that i guess yeah i guess church the park maybe the reason the uk doesn't have it is that up until the point where you're supposed to have

that everyone was just supposed to have jobs helping out with rationing on the war or something like whereas in america they did so well and had so much money in the 50s they were just like we need some kind of special milk plate milkshake shop i always find it strange how they were called drug stores yeah it's very good places sold ice cream and milkshake was the drugstore. Well, I think they also sold everything else, didn't they? Just raisins and paracetamol. Coca-Cola used to be like... It wasn't medicinal, yeah. It used to be like your doctor would prescribe you some Coke.

I'm going to look that up, actually. US drugstore milkshake. What happens when I type that in? Why did pharmacies or drugstores become associated with soda fountains and ice cream good question guy on reddit um soda fountains and ice cream were popularized on the turn of the century i'm assuming that means 1900s and pharmacies were one of the more common places to install them and this this person says, I can remember the local drugstore selling ice cream even in the early 80s. Did they just have the kit?

They just understood the kit and the filling? Soda water had been considered as a medicinal aid. There you go. Malted milkshake and malt is for your health and soft drinks used to contain drugs. The ginger and ginger ale

was for sort of nausea well it is quite on the nose isn't it I'm going to the drug stop buy myself some drugs pharmacy is quite nice and almost euphemistic Isn't it Yeah What are you going to do today

Are you going to go out I might go to the gym again Wow You never know Catching up Catching up. Catching up. Catching up and trying to make myself uncastable for my own personal version of the clumps.

I'm trying to de-clump. It's springtime and it's a good time to de-clump. What about yourself? You don't get in that no man's land of not fat enough to be in the clumps as yourself but too fat to wear a fat suit yes, a sort of Seth Rogen you need one or the other I think at the moment I'm Seth Rogen

or like a Ricky Gervais it's no good I have to pick a team pick a side, pick a lane a team pick a side pick a lane to use them to use modern parlance yeah pick a lane and stay in it pick a lane and stay in it forever stay in it forever you're not allowed at the other lanes because you've chosen your lane that's right um and then of course i've got my i'm streaming later a bit of age of empires 2 bit of classic oh nice one

lovely old classic what about yourself I'm gonna try and sort my shit out I've got laundry to do and some books to sort out and I've got little bits of work to catch up with lovely fun stuff that I might as well have been doing it might as well still be lockdown for me basically

Pierre's what I'm trying to say yeah the Wang lockdown has not eased yet. Yeah. Someday you'll be free. Free to go to the pub and then to Primark and then get a haircut. Yeah, one day that'll be.

Anyway, hope everyone is enjoying the Roadmap to normality. Irreversible pints. Irreversible. I love how Boris Johnson keeps calling these steps irreversible, but then says, but don't fuck up, I will reverse it. I will turn this car around. I will turn this irreversible car right around.

We're irreversibly going to Disneyland unless you kids keep fucking around back there. Enjoy. Love you lots. Bye.